#i sharted this out in like 20 minutes
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here's some scaramouche/wanderer beating off to the thought of the reader after being too much of a pussy to act on his feelings for the 10,000th time. it's meant to be gender neutral, but i've heard my GN stuff leans toward feminine still. either way, no pronouns, no descriptions.
Next time, he promises himself. He won’t hesitate again. It doesn’t make him feel any better, considering it’s become a mantra at this point to self-soothe in such an inadequate way.
Maybe it’ll be different. He won’t hesitate when it counts. That’s a lie, as well.
AO3 LINK
Scaramouche/Reader
1,193 Words - NSFW
Male Masturbation, Pining, Finger-Sucking
Centuries of life, uncountable missteps, mistakes incomprehensible. A lifetime of follies, yet he never felt as foolish as he does right now.
His greatest mistake hangs over his shoulders like a thick smoke, settling into his bare skin and staining it with the markings of one who failed. It would have been so easy to do, had he simply just turned his head a little to the side and done what his body had been yearning to do.
As a result of his… inhumanity, he’s always run a little cold. It never bothered him before, the temperature was a non-issue. But as he palms himself callously, then switches to a softer touch as his fingers wrap around the base of his cock, he yearns for a touch that’s a little warmer, a little softer, a little more human.
He yearns for you.
It’s a novel feeling. Sure, he’s wanted things before in his life. In fact, he’s been pretty selfish for the vast majority of it. And even acknowledging that fact, he doesn’t even feel bad about it. If given any chance, he’ll continue to be that way because the only person he really can count on is himself.
And you. That’s a bit of an afterthought, but no less important. In the time he’s been at your side, you’ve proven over and over again that in a small way, his thought process was slightly flawed. Deeply, he wants to deny the feeling of stability you provide, but there’s no shaking it when you’d taken the hand he offered without hesitation, letting him first lift you with his vision, then let you climb on his back with only a little complaint.
Then your chin landed on his shoulder, the quiet sounds of your laughter curling around the shell of his ear until goosebumps raised along his skin. In the sliver of skin between his undershirt and kimono, your cheek pressed against it as you marveled at the sight he’d seen fit to show you.
In this moment, he can’t even remember how it looked. All he can focus on is the way you’d smelled, the feel of your arms looping beneath his in an attempt to stabilize yourself as the two of you remained aloft. The phantom feel of your palms along his chest as you’d clung to him with giddiness stemming from your excitement.
All he’d needed to do was turn his head. Just a short distance and he could have kissed you. Perhaps you would have reciprocated in all the ways he found himself desperate for, the languid pace of his strokes stuttering at the mere thought of feeling your affection. Even the imagined taste of it on his tongue was enough to make his skin warm, his palms grow clammy, his eyes snap shut in an effort to chase it greedily.
He’s felt your hands before. When you unnecessarily wrap a wound that’s likely to heal within hours, when you grab his wrist and pull him along in an unexpected direction. It’s soft aside from the few calluses on your fingers from your swordsmanship, but he’s certain they’d feel like heaven if you were to replace his hands on himself with your own. One on his arousal, the other flat across his chest where his heart would be racing if he’d been seen fit to own one.
A scary little thought crosses his mind that he does have a heart now. It exists out of his body, occupying his thoughts even in his most vulnerable moments. With small smiles and words of encouragement, a patience that extends beyond the boundaries that his abrasiveness tends to push at. Even when he knows he’s crossed a line, you only sigh and graciously look the other way until he can compose himself.
Composure is lost now, left at the wayside in favor of his grip tightening and his hand traveling up his chest, his collarbones, his neck, to his mouth where his own fingers push down on his tongue. It’s easy enough to pretend that they’re yours when he tries hard enough, his thoughts muddled by the imagery of you exploring every inch of him with unbridled fascination.
His tongue matches the pace of his strokes, pushing and pulling along the length of his fingers with too much fervor to be anywhere near healthy. At his tongue pushing at the webbing between his middle and index finger, the tips pushing dangerously close to the back of his throat, he groans a muffled mockery of your name.
What he wouldn’t give to see the look in your eye as he did everything you wanted. There’s nothing you could name that he’d fall short of doing for you, so long as you gave him that little smile that made every atom of his body hum with satisfaction. And while he’d be doing it for you, he’d proudly proclaim he was doing it for himself - because your satisfaction is his own, he’s come to realize with startling clarity.
The fingers in his mouth have lost their salty taste, leaving him with just the sensation of nearly gagging on himself, gagging on you. His fingers slide away, leaving a wet trail across his chin, his chest, his thigh as he grabs there briefly. The bedsheets are next to be gripped, nearly tearing between his fingers as he searches for a handhold to keep him stable in this moment rather than lost in thoughts of how you’d look, smell, taste, feel.
Pushing onto his knees, hunching in on himself as his wrist twists just right to make his eyes roll, his eyelids flutter at the thought of you lying beneath him. Sprawled and waiting, welcoming him with coos of his name - the one you gave - until he can do nothing but sink into you helplessly in every sense of the word. He’s certain it would be like drowning, descending deeper and deeper until the light can no longer reach him.
But behind closed eyelids, there’s an insistent glow that’s so reminiscent of his thoughts of you that he’s convinced he somehow manifested his desires into reality. But as he opens them, his rocking hips stuttering against his hand with his release, it’s painfully obvious that the glow comes from himself. Blue markings pulse like the rising and falling of the tides, in tandem with each roll of his climax that sullies the sheets before him.
His lip throbs beneath the pressure of his own teeth. It doesn’t hurt nearly as much as the disappointment, though the only person he really blames for that is himself. When it comes to you, there are a series of choices he’s made that leave him dissatisfied on every level. They reduce him to sitting alone in a darkened room, naked and disgusted with himself at the yearning that still lingers like a fog that won’t lift.
Next time, he promises himself. He won’t hesitate again. It doesn’t make him feel any better, considering it’s become a mantra at this point to self-soothe in such an inadequate way.
Maybe it’ll be different. He won’t hesitate when it counts. That’s a lie, as well.
#scaramouche#wanderer#genshin impact#fic#fanfic#fanfiction#scaramouche x reader#wanderer x reader#mdni#mind the a/n for content tags#i sharted this out in like 20 minutes
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Aromatherapy (Continuing a Story from Nifty.org)
Part 2
As he did I got to see just how hairy his crack was. It was a perfect forest of curly black hairs. I couldn't even find his hole until he pushed it out to release another bubbly fart before crashing down on my open mouth. BBBBRRRRTTT. "Man that feels good. I don't think you understand how much my stomach hurts. My asshole itches though from all those wet farts. Would you mind helping me out?"I stuck my tongue out and started to lick the around the rim and inside. "Oh yes! That feels amazing! Keep going man!" He started bouncing gently on my face, clenching his tight hole around my tongue, farting every once in a while. I felt his big balls jiggling on my chin as he pulled out his dick and jerked off. Damn I wanted to see and taste that. I could tell he was close to climaxing when his dad came stomping in finishing off a slice of homemade pizza with extra cheese. "What's going on here? You using my cushion young man? Would you like to be mine? I haven't even gotten a proper use of him yet." "No pops I was just about to go get a shower. It's been a long day of work." He got up dripping precum and looked down at me longingly before surprising me and his father by leaning down to give me a gentle kiss. "Try not scare this one off Pops. He's really cute and I'd love to get to know him better" he said before leaving. His father grunted before stripping and turning around, spreading his fat, hairy cheeks and sending a stench in the air. I could see the shit matted in the hairs around his hole. He pushed and let out a heavy shart that sprayed his crack and my face with big specks of shit before settling on my face. He started to rub against my face, farting several times. "Clean me up boy so we can get started. I want every hair shiny and my hole sparking pink. I'm not getting up until I get off and I won't even start to do that before I'm clean. He settled in on my face, turning on an episode of Cobra Kai. I cleaned his crack as best I could before making my way to his hole while he let out the nastiest farts I had ever heard or smelled. PPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRR. SSSPPPPPPPRPRPRRPRPRPRR. PPRRTTRTRTRTRPTPRTPRTPRTPRTPRPTRPTPRTP. His hole was disgusting. The moment I started to push my tongue in I could feel a thick turd pushing out. Thankfully he did too and got up and went to the toilet right next door. I could hear the splashing and rumble of his farts as he filled the toilet with the door open staring at me "You're a fart cushion not a toilet, at least for today. No promises for the future though" as he sat back down and forced me to start over with cleaning his nasty, hairy ass. This time though, he started to pull on his big balls and cock, grinding down on my face. He let out wet fart after fart for 20 minutes before he finally got up, turned around, and came on my face. "Alright you can go now. Get out of my house. We''ll do this again sometime soon"
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School Eruption💥💩
“Yeah bro I have the laxatives right here, now everyone grab a bottle and add it to everything you see, make sure we get everything” one of the boys said as he handed out bottles of laxatives to each one of the boys in the group, they quickly got to work adding the laxatives to all the food in the cafeteria and when they finished they quickly made their way back to their school while laughing their asses off.
20 minutes later
PFFFLPDHHHH!
Laughter and looks of disgust broke out in the school cafeteria, as Endeavor let a sloppy fart rip.
“Uh oh, that didn’t sound very dry, Enji,” said Vlad King in a joking tone.
“Ewwww it’s running down his leg” exclaimed Present Mic in disgust. All Might, Aizawa and Vlad started laughing at Endeavor along with the students as the tall buff man turned red in the face and started yelling at them to stop. But then their stomachs suddenly started growling violently, stunning them for a minute, before quickly storming off to the teachers bathrooms. “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?? MAKE THEM STOP!” Endeavor exclaimed, as he let out another shart, making some of the students gag from the bad smell. He fled to the kitchen to get out of public sight, leaving behind a brown trail as his cheeks turned bright pink.
Meanwhile in the teacher's lounge there was a brown concert about to go down. “Wait, there's only two toilets? AND ONE’S BROKEN?!” Present Mic screamed nervously. “Well, you better find another one then” All Might said as he barged by him, getting the working stall, Aizawa bolted by him, right into the out of order stall. “Oh man oh man, I can’t hold this one” Present Mic said, as he frantically walked out and searched for an alternative toilet.
All Might ripped the lower part of the suit, as he couldn’t wait to remove his whole suit and slammed his ass on the seat, letting out a few hard logs and moaning as they splashed into the water. Aizawa fiddled with his belt, as he breathed hard, as his stomach was funky, sending sharp pains through his body.
“C’mon, OPEN! '' Aizawa nervously shouted as finally he was able to pull his pants down. Before he could even sit down fully a river of toxic diarrhea was flowing out of his hairy asscheeks. He didn’t care that the toilet was out of order due to a broken flush. This was a matter of life and death!
Vlad King came in as the two men were gassing up the small employee bathroom. He knocked on All Might's stall desperately “Please open up man! I've got like ten seconds before the floodgates open!” “Ugh…I’m sorry but- I’m not quite done yet my friend” the number one hero answered. Vlad King’s knees got weak and his farts started to sound like there wasn’t much more pressure left. Vlad took a deep breath while smelling the fumes of rank shit sighing as he couldn't believe what he was about to do. “Please forgive me for this my dear friend” Vlad said in shame as he kicked in the stall door with all his might, turning around and dropping his pants in the process. Shocked, All Might was forced to back up and make room as Vlad sat in between his legs, letting out a chunky stream of runny shit, adding to the already very big dump pile in the dirty toilet bowl.
“Jeez Vlad! You could have given me a warning!” All Might said a bit irritated as he now had to share the stall with Vlad King.
“Sorry man, I don't know what's wrong with me today! Usually I can hold it until I get home but today it's running through me!” Vlad said through grunts as he farted and shat some more.
Present Mic ran around the school yard letting out gas like a tugboat. He sighed a bit relieved as he finally saw the school garage, or more specifically one of the school buses. He hesitated for a minute, thinking ‘I can’t do that man, the kids still need that to go home’. But his bowels cut that thought short, as the pressure started building up more and more. He moaned in pain as he started running toward the bus, breaking into it. He walked toward the end of the bus making sure that no one had seen him walking in there and no one had followed him. He squatted down behind a row of seats and let out the long creamy snakes of shit, moaning at the pleasure of sweet release as the shit fumes spread throughout the bus.
After the laxatives started hitting the whole school, the students were running around in a panic, as their bowles were about to blow out, desperately trying to find somewhere t relieve themselves.
The great aspiring hero Mirio and his cute shapeshifter boyfriend Amaki were running down a hallway, as Mirio started to break out in a sweat, clenching his tight muscular ass. “Damn babe, all the stalls are filled, even the girls’! *fart* Fuck sorry, this is so…emberasssing!” Mirios cheeks turned strawberry red, as he leaked out gas infront of his cute boyfriend, who didn’t feel anything yet. “I-It’s alright, you can’t *cough* help it…” Amaki said, as he tried not to vomit from the vile stench escaping Mirios' ass. “Amaki I don’t…think I can hold it….it hurts so bad”, Mirio complained. “Umm, look, would a trash can do aswell? I don’t think there’s a free toilet left anywhere” Amaki tried to help. Hesitatingly he gave in and took the trash can, dropping his pants and balancing his giant butt on the small trash can. “Hey, can you hold my hands? I fear I might tip over….Please!” strained he pleaded as Amaki gave in. Mirio couldn’t hold it in any longer and started to unload the brown mushy slope. He couldn’t help but squeeze Amakis hands a few times, while pushing out more shit, to the other's shock, as he suddenly also felt a grumbling in his guts, which began to turn into a piercing pain. “M-Mirio, can you try … not to PINCH that hard??”.
As the squeezing got stronger, Amaki couldn’t help but shart into his new clean uniform pants and red boxers, as he lost concentration from Mirio’s pooping. As they both went on, the trashcan started to fill up more and more, making Mirio’s farts sound less and less hollow. The brown stain on Amakis pants started to go down his leg, as he gave in and unloaded in his pants, after the two hero boyfriends finished they had completely ruined the trash can and spilled their diarrhea everywhere, they quickly left the scene before anyone caught them in such an embarrassing predicament.
While most students were trying bathrooms or trash cans to relieve themselves, some students were getting creative with the different ways they relieve themselves, that included UA’s infamous class clown, Denki Kaminari. He was racing through the halls with his hands clenching his damp ass as his turd started to turtlehead.
“Fuck no it's coming out!” Kaminari thought in a panic as he quickly looked everywhere to see if there was anywhere he could drop a load, he then saw an open window and seeing no other option he quickly undid his pants and positioned his ass over the opened window, a large turd flew out of his ass before he even fully sat down, he moaned as a torrent of diarrhea flew out of his bubble butt, some of it even hit the walls!
While most students were trying to find somewhere to go inside the school others tried rushing somewhere else to relieve themselves.
“This is the last time I eat the damn school lunch!” Bakugo thought angrily as he raced down the sidewalk, luckily for him he lived a 10 minute walk away from UA so when the laxatives started kicking in and he realized the situation he made a mad dash to his house, he was now entering his neighborhood.
“Fuck, I can't hold it!” Bakugo panicked as he let out a shart staining his briefs, he made it to the porch of his house but to his horror he couldn't find his key, he must have forgotten it that morning! Bakugo started pounding on the door praying one of his parents was home.
“Calm down Katsuki I'll open the door for you” Masaru, Katsuki’s dad said as he slowly opened the door, Katsuki tried rushing inside to the nearest toilet but Masaru stood in his way.
“Why are you home so early? School doesn't end for another hour.”
“T-There was an accident so they let us out early, now out of my way old man I have to go!”
“Not so fast, you have to wash the dishes like we agreed this morning”
“Ugh I have to go do something first! Now move before I-”
BRRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP-SPLAT!
Bakugo’s eyes widened in horror as a wave of chunky diarrhea filled his briefs and pants, rolling down his leg into the pavement, Masaru looked at him shocked.
“Is that-” Masaru started
“Yeah” Bakugo said blushing, Masaru apologized and let Bakugou inside so he could clean up. Masaru was a nice guy so he didn't tease Bakugo or anything but Bakugo was still very embarrassed about the situation!
“Come on bro! There's no way you're gonna be able to hold it longer than me! That second serving of macaroni you had has to be kicking in by now” Tetsutetsu said to Kirishima as he forced out a sloppy fart.
“I'll be fine but how about you dude? You went ham on those mash potatoes, remember?” Kirishima asked with a playful tone in his voice, the laxatives had hit the two meatheads at the same time but instead of freaking out like everyone else did they decided to make a challenge out of it and see which one of them could go the longest without shitting, it had been an hour and they were both sweating heavily as they had moved their challenge outside and neither of them wanted to give in so they spent a few more minutes ripping out some more juicy farts, hoping one of them would give in at some point. Kirishima’s stomach let out a loud gurgle as he let out a very sloppy fart, he held his butt with both hands a bit shocked by how wet the fart was.
“Ooh, looks like I'm going to win,” Tetsutetsu teased Kirishima. Kirishima was about to bite back with a snarky comment but he was interrupted by a sudden stomach cramp.
“Ugh fine you win this time bro, but I'll beat ya next time” Kirishima said as he ran to a nearby bush with both his hands clenching his damp ass, Tetsutetsu smirked and sighed in relief satisfied he won, he would soon regret that decision as he suddenly let out a huge shart.
“Wait for me bro!” Tetsutetsu to a bush next to Kiroshima’s as he started to turtlehead, the two were embarrassed but knew they'd have a good laugh about it when everything was all over.
And last but not least there was class 1A’s best student Izuku Midoriya, or also known as Deku. He was running around the halls hoping some of the toilets might be open since it's been 30 minutes since the laxatives kicked in for everyone but all the stalls were still taken, hurrying towards one of the stalls, Deku knocked on the door. The person inside the stall groaned loudly and shouted, "This stall is obviously-mph...Ahh! It's busy, bastard! Go use another toilet!”
“I-I can't they're all taken can we share please?” Deku pleaded to let out a wet fart.
“No way! Go shit in a trashcan or something!” the dude said letting out a wet turd. Seeing no other option Deku used his strength to break the stall door, a very surprised Rikido Sato was staring at him, his shit stained boxers and pants were hanging on the stall door.
“Sorry Sato but my hole is about to burst open, so heads up” Deku said with a nervous chuckle as Deku made Sato move over, the two boys were now sharing the toilet.
Deku wasted no time and dropped his boxers and jeans, squatting over the small toilet so he could make room for Sato who was blushing like crazy. They had to slam their asses together so they could both go at the same time, Deku broke the silence as a slimey log slid out of him followed by a sloppy shart, feeling a bit less shy about the situation Sato began shitting again and moaned as a torrent of liquid diarrhea squirted out of him.
Two Days Later
“All Might sir you might wanna see this” Deku said, handing his phone to his mentor, everything was back to normal at UA after they gave the students and staff a small break after the incident with the school lunch
“What is this my boy?” All Might asked as he looked at Deku’s phone, it was article about UA, although it was more of a article poking fun at UA, the title reads:
UA might be one of the best schools in the country, but the students and staff have to work on their stomach intolerance, a deep look into the big accident that happened at UA now known as the “Shituation”.
The article had multiple pictures of the incident, photos of students shitting themselves, shitting in embarrassing places, running around with shit stained clothes, and to top it off they even got pictures of all the male staff members relieving themselves one way or another, All Might was shocked
“That's not all” Kirishima said pointing at the entrance, there were eager news men begging for a interview, the next few months for UA were definitely gonna be hectic!
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Brownie Laxatives
Sophia was sitting on a couch in her living room, scrolling through social media on her phone. She'd gotten home from a small get together with her friends roughly 20 minutes ago. They had a relatively good sized meal and some desert afterwards. After that, they talked for a while and then split off to go home.
Sophia scrolled through her Instagram, when she felt a grumbling in her stomach. She sighed and rubbed her belly gently before turning her attention back to her phone. She scrolled through and liked a few photos. Then it happened again, this time a bit louder. She shifted her position on the couch and got settled again while continuing to gently rub her grumbling belly.
It's probably just gas. It'll eventually go away. She thought as she then got up off the couch to go and do some laundry that she had put in just after she had got back from the small get together.
While she was doing the laundry, Sophia's stomach continued to grumble, but now, she was starting to feel a growing pressure down in her gut. Plus, her stomach was now starting to cramp up. She had to pause and breathe through a particularly painful wave of cramps before continuing to fold the laundry.
I must be starting my period again.
She finished folding the laundry and went to put away the clothes. Roughly 15 minutes later, Sophia was washing dishes in the kitchen. She had been trying her best to ignore her stomach, but it was getting hard to ignore the growing pressure in her gut, the cramping, and the annoying grumbling. She was about to dry the dishes, when her ass began to suddenly let out a series of loud, greasy farts.
Pllleeeaarrfftttt!!! Flllaaarrrfftttt!!! Plllloorrrrrffftttt!!! Phhlllooaaarrrfffttt!!!
Sophia sighed, and started drying the dishes.
See, I knew it was gas, I'll feel better in a few minutes.
But that was the exact opposite of what was about to happen.
As Sophia started drying the dishes, she felt a rapidly growing pressure down in her rectum, and stopped before placing a hand on her stomach, thinking it was a fart coming. She breathed and grunted slightly, expecting a fart to slip out of her ass, but what really came out was more than she expected.
Pllleeaarrfffssshhh!!!
"Oh shit," she groaned, and clamped a hand to her ass. She immediately dropped the bowl she had in her hand, hurrying off to the nearest bathroom. As she scurried off to the bathroom, a few more sharts managed to squelch out of her clenched asscheeks.
The moment she got to the bathroom, she quickly shut the door after flipping the lights on, hurried over to the toilet, snatched her pants and underwear down, and slammed her ass down on the toilet.
A wave of mushy diarrhea spluttered out of her ass. She clutched her stomach with one arm and grunted, causing more waves of diarrhea to splutter out of her while her other hand was firmly pressed against the wall next to the toilet. A wave of cramps triggered yet another wave that squirted into the bowl with a sickening squelch.
I only just ate roughly half an hour ago, why did I have to shit so badly? She thought and grunted, as another watery stream of diarrhea poured out of her.
Shhhhlllleeeaaaarrrggggghhhhhh!!!
Then, she felt multiple solid lumps squeeze out of her rectum as they plopped into the toilet.
Ploploploploploploploploplop!!!
Another grunt, and even more slushy diarrhea squirted into the toilet.
Shhllleeauuurrgghhh!!!
Oh shit, it was those brownies. They were filled with laxatives, dammit.
Phhlleeeaaarrggghhh!!! Pllooorrrgggg!!! Flllaarrrgggg!!! Ploploploploploploploploploplop plopploploplop plop plop plop plop plop!!!
Sophia groaned from yet another wave of mushy diarrhea that had just sprayed out of her ass. She sighed, and then felt a mushy mass squeezing out of her rectum and pushed. As she pushed, a mushy log slowly squeezed out of her ass, losing its shape as soon as it squeezed out of her rectum and slid into the toilet.
Sssshhhlleerrrpphhh!!! *sighs*
Then came more waves of slushy diarrhea that spluttered out of her with a lot more force this time. Wave after wave of diarrhea began erupting out of her. She groaned, clutching her stomach with both arms, panting and grunting between every few waves that spluttered into the toilet. After about 5 more minutes of shitting stinky slush nonstop, Sophia felt one more mushy log slowly squeeze through her rectum.
One of her hands came up to press against the wall next to the toilet while her other arm curled around her stomach and her face morphed into a grimace as she grunted. The semi-solid log slowly pushed out of her hole and stretched her anus as it slowly inched out of her ass. A few seconds later, the log pinched off and plopped into the toilet, forcing a grunt out of her.
She sat there for about another minute or so, and then grabbed some toilet paper to wipe herself with. She then flushed the toilet, flipped on the exhaust fan, stood up and pulled her underwear and pants back on. She then washed her hands and turned off the lights as she left the bathroom to go and finish drying the dishes.
After Sophia finished drying the dishes, she then put them all away. Her phone suddenly began ringing and she picked up the phone call.
"Hello?" she asked.
"Sophia? Are you there?" came a voice that she knew.
"Stacey, hey girl. Hope you got home okay. How you doing?" Sophia said as she walked over to the couch in the living room.
"Not good, you know those brownies that were at the gathering we were at?"
"What…oh yeah. Don't worry girl, I just finished having a rather nasty episode of diarrhea so you're not the only one." Sophia reassured her.
"Oh, thank God," plllleeuurrffftttt!!! " *grunts* I thought I had contracted food poisoning," ploploploploploplop "*groans*" sshhhlleeeaaarrrggghh!!!
Gggrrrrrllllll… Pllleearrffftt!!!
"Mmm, Stacey I gotta go. I hope you get better." Sophia said as she hung up and hurried off to the bathroom again.
Sophia sat down on the toilet and this time, her ass violently erupted into the toilet bowl. She clutched her stomach tightly, and bit her lip, suppressing a groan due to the pain she was now subjected to because of the explosive diarrhea that was basically spraying out of her. A few minutes later, the explosive diarrhea calmed down, though there was still some waste left in her intestines that wanted to come out. The slushy diarrhea that squirted out of her was accompanied with greasy farts. Multiple times, a nasty fart would immediately follow a wave of diarrhea that had just squirted out of her ass.
"Oh God, I really hope the other girls didn't eat any of those brownies," she muttered to herself while squirting out another wave of nasty diarrhea that was also accompanied by a long greasy fart.
A few more minutes later, Sophia had finally finished being on the toilet and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe herself with before flushing the toilet, pulling her underwear and pants back on and washing her hands.
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POV: A friend suggested you go out to the beach with SVT while you are on a trip to the Bahamas.
“Dude I am serious. If you want her to notice you this is how you do it.” Seungkwan says behind you holding up a pair of purple swim shorts.
“Her favorite color is purple,” Hoshi says.
“Okay you say that but is it really true? Also what if this looks stupid?” Vernon says taking the swim shorts.
“Not possible,” Seungcheol says. “YFN literally just texted me and told me what YN’s favorite color is. You’ve been dressing in dark clothes this entire time so now is your time to make an impression. There is no way she won’t notice you, dude.”
Vernon thought about it for a minute. He remembered the day you met at the fan signing before your medical accident. His first impression of you was that you were really snazzy looking. He knew he was blushing when you spoke the first time too. He just couldn’t help it. You were one of the most remarkable people he had the pleasure of meeting, even after your medical accident. You were so confused waking up but you were funny as heck so he just sat in the corner sulking watching the chaos unfold.
“YESSSSS!” everyone shouts as he gets up to go change.
When he comes out, Jeonghan grabs a pair of purple heart sunnies and hands them to Vernon.
“What? Where did you get these?” Vernon asks.
“Doesn’t matter” Jeonghan says, “what matters is she is going to notice you and shart everywhere when she sees you.”
Vernon chuckles at that. “Okay okay. How do I look?” he asks.
Everyone took a minute to look him over. He was wearing the purple swim trunks Seungkwan gave him, a white muscle tee that showed off his arms and a bit of his side (scandy), and those purple heart sunnies.
“Dude you look great,” Wonwoo says on your left.
“Yeah, fantastic! Let’s go get our guests and go to the beach.” Seungcheol says leading everyone to the door.
Vernon walks out of the room with the rest of the members and finds that YN and 3 of YFN are also in the hallway.
As Vernon stays in the back of the crowd he notices you talking to Dino and Hoshi about your night and how excited you are to go to the beach with them.
The feeling of wanting to go back and find the biggest pair of sweatpants and put them on is a feeling that grows the longer he sees you talking to his friends but he lets it go and continues to walk out of the house with everybody.
On the walk over to the beach, however, you are absolutely sharting your pants because Vernon is in purple swim trunks. You are thinking to yourself, “self. How does he know your favorite color is purple? Or maybe he doesn’t know and it’s just a coincidence that he is wearing your favorite color. Not only that but he has purple sunnies on too, so it can’t be a coincidence. Maybe it is though.” You just aren’t sure.
Once everyone gets to the beach Seungcheol and YFN decide to make sure everyone puts on sunscreen first. Shortly after that whole endeavor, Vernon finds himself looking for you.
A surge of panic rises when he can’t find you at first, but quickly dissipates when he finds you by the water. He makes his way over to you careful not to startle you as you were bent down clearly looking for something in the water.
He decides to keep his distance and stands over on your right. He observes you for a minute and realizes you must be looking for shark teeth or shells so he decides to look with you. Well not “with” you with you exactly, but beside you with enough space between you to keep his distance. Enough so if you were in trouble or had another medical accident he would be the first to help you.
“Ahhh” you shriek.
He snaps his head up and looks over at you.
“What?” he asks.
“Oh I found a shark tooth!” you say.
“Woah! Nice!” Vernon says.
As you pick up the shark teeth and hold the tooth up you make eye contact with Vernon. You can’t help it. You stand there staring at him like an idiot for a good 20 seconds.
What you don’t know is that Vernon is having a crisis at this point. His brain has gone overdrive and he can’t think straight anymore. Not with your big beautiful eyes staring at him like that and not while you are dressed the way you are in your swimsuit.
You clear your throat finally and turn away.
“Want some help looking?” Vernon finally asks after a minute.
“Yeah.” you say. “That would be great.”
#svt angst#svt fanfic#svt#vernon angst#vernon#vernon x y/n#vernon x you#vernon x reader#svt x y/n#svt x you#svt x reader
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current little highlights of my Lae'zel honor run (early game)
-pulling off the sword drop on Commander Zhalk is so satisfying. I had to redo the tutorial because the first time Shart failed both her spell slots. the sword absolutely smacks in early game
-if u play as Lae'zel they give u a different tutorial githyanki. because of that i was able to yoink his armor, dye it purple and give it to Shadowheart so we are matching hehe
-accidentally triggered Anders to attack us, but Shadowheart passed the 20% chance spell to make him drop his weapon, which was enough to turn the tide from the entire team almost wiping, to Astarion being the solo survivor who brings us all back with Withers. I like to think Anders watched as 3 dead bodies disappear right in front of him, and in the next minute the whole squad knocking down the door with full health again.
-tried to start knocking out Mayrina's brothers from a distance, but then she just killed them both and peaced out lmfao, looks like Larian patched that out or i messed it up by shooting an arrow first
-almost wiped again because I was being cheeky, had to do another 'run away and revive the party'. Paralysis is OP, i need to adopt the strat from those little Redcaps, they are so dangerous
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Joey’s Super Epic Poggers Butternut Squash Soup (ft. dubious ingredients and haphazard measurements)
Ingredients:
1 Butternut Squash - cubed
3 large Sweet Potatoes - cubed
3 large White Onions - eighthed
7-10 halved Garlic Cloves (I know that sounds like a lot but please trust me)
4-5 medium Carrots - sliced
3tsp of minced or sliced Ginger
Enough chicken or vegetable stock/broth to fill the pot above the veg
60ml Double Cream
1tbsp Butter (optional)
1/3 tsp Paprika
1/3 tsp Turmeric
Salt and Pepper to taste
Coriander (Cilantro) Sprigs
1. First up, you’re gonna wanna cut up all them vegetables. Have that done first. The squash took my entire sharting life but trust me it’ll be worth it. Put the pan on the stove but don’t light it yet, and wack all the vegetables in there.
2. Next up, you gotta boil up that broth. I prefer the flavour chicken stock gives, but if you wanna make this veggie/vegan friendly, just use vegetable stock.
Fill up the pot above the vegetables and turn the heat on, high. Make sure you’re putting the lid on or the broth is gonna evaporate into the Heavyside Layer.
Let that mf bubble and boil away for 15-20 minutes OR until you can stab a fork really smoothly through the largest chunks of squash.
3. Okay, this part is fun but you gotta make sure you don’t scold yourself so be careful when you use the hand blender. If you’re not sure how to use one, google is your friend.
So!! If you’re veg is all nice and soft, turn the heat off the stove and move the pot carefully to a stable, flat surface. Then, take out your hand blender and blitz the ever loving cock out of it until it’s smooth and consistent all the way through.
4. Here, we add in the cream, the turmeric, paprika, butter if you want it, and if you wanna be brave and do it right away, the salt and pepper. If it’s too runny, just let it boil away some more without the lid on until it reduces down. Now you’re good to go!
Get that shit bowled up, add a lil drizzle of cream to make it look pretty, and smack those coriander sprigs on there so it looks proper fuckin’ fancy-like.
And there u go! I’ve made this a couple of times now and while no one in my house likes butternut squash, I’m fuckin’ ride or die for this recipe.
If you want somethin’ to go with it, tiger bread absolutely fucks with this.
#recipe#soup#food#cooking#0zzysaurus#squash#vegan#vegetarian#is this gluten free?#I dunno#Halloween#autumn
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We had not one but TWO people make a big stink about item availability and price yesterday (9/26)
First, some old man wanted 4 three pound pork roasts cut. Fine, but it’ll be a while because the butchers were behind. The guy harassed my coworker stocking meat not once but twice in 10 minutes asking when they will be done. Then, as we wrapped the first two, he sees the price is 2.94 a pound (our regular price) and he swore it was supposed to be 2.19 a pound (our sale price—which ended tuesday (9/21)) instead of just taking 2 of them, he decided not to take ANY of them. So our poor butcher rushed through his job to get them pork roasts and my coworker was harassed for nothing.
And THEN. we had an insta shart lady come up asking for shaved beef. I don’t know what in the hell is going on, but in 3 or 4 days we’ve sold 70 pounds of shaved beef (we normally sell that much in 3-4 WEEKS); so naturally, we’re currently out. The lady was super nice about us being out but apparently her customer didn’t like the fact we were out of shaved beef. Someone from the front called and I was busy so I couldn’t answer and thank god I didn’t bc it was about that lady making a big stink about it. She found one of the front managers that just clocked out and was shopping and started complaining and harassing her about no shaved beef because her customer wanted it and says there’s shaved beef in stock because the app says so. So I’m over there just watching this lady raise her voice and all about us not having shaved beef like 😬😬 we even had a customer that was like what the hell is wrong with that lady lmao (side note: I had no less than 20 people ask me if we had any shaved beef genuinely, what the fuck is going on and why do these people need shaved beef so bad)
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Attack on Titan - Upset Stomach ~ Erwin Smith
-----Erwin Smith-----
Erwin was in the middle of an important meeting with Dahlis Zachary, Dot Pixis, Nile Dawk, and the other commanding officers from the other branches of the Military. They were discussing some rather significant subject, but it was hard for Erwin to focus due to the feeling that there was a 20 pound weight in his stomach. He only caught bits and pieces. He tried focusing in on what Zachary was saying, but it was no use, the cramping and bloating forced his attention away from Zachary and onto trying to keep his composure. His stomach started gurgling, Not now please, he thought, then all of a sudden...grrrrrrrruuuuuulll!
Everyone suddenly looked in Erwin's direction.
Oh shit...
"Is there something wrong Erwin?" Zachary asked.
Erwin sighed, feeling a pressure starting to grow down in his gut, "I apologize sir. May I please be excused?"
"Can it wait Erwin?" the Premiere asked.
"No sir, it can't," Erwin said with slightly more urgency in his voice, as he felt the pressure grow.
"...Go," Zachary said after a long moment.
"Thank you sir," Erwin said gratefully, as he got up from his seat and headed straight for the door.
----------
Once he was away from the other higher authorities, he headed for the nearest bathroom, locked the door, and pulled down his pants and boxers. Once he sat down on the toilet, multiple chunks of shit squirted out of him and plopped into the toilet. He grunted and another wave of sludgy diarrhea squirted out of his ass and splashed into the toilet bowl.
"*groans* Great, first I'm constipated, now I'm my guts out. Well isn't this just peachy." Erwin mumbled to himself, squeezing out more chunky diarrhea, followed by a wet fart.
Pllllleeeeeeeaaaarrrrfffttt!
He gave a hard push and another wave of chunky diarrhea once again squirted out of him, ending with a watery shart.
Pleaaaaarrrgggssshhhtt! "Guh, ugh damn *groans*" Erwin muttered, leaning forward with both arms curled around his bloated stomach, grunting again as he managed to push out a few more solid lumps.
Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! *grunts*
For the past 15 to 20 minutes, Erwin struggled with his upset stomach and violently active bowels, constantly squirting out liquid streams of diarrhea with the occasional few solid lumps and wet farts.
When he was finally finished, he took some toilet paper and wiped himself before he stood up and pulled his boxers and pants back on after getting up off the toilet. He then flushed and washed his hands. He unlocked the door and carefully stepped out, closing the door behind him and headed back to the meeting.
----------
"And that concludes this meeting, you're all dismissed." Zachary announced, before hearing a clicking sound. They all looked over and saw Commander Erwin step into the room. Erwin saw that all eyes were on him, though one in particular was giving him a rather mean glare. That one individual was Nile Dawk.
Nile immediately responded, "Really Erwin, just because you're the Commander of the Survey Corps, doesn't give you the right to ditch and important meeting whenever you feel like it."
"Oh, so I can't go take a shit?" Erwin asked bluntly, giving Nile an equally mean glare, to which the Military Police Commanding Officer grunted and went silent, still glaring at Erwin.
Erwin sighed and turned his gaze back towards the Premiere, "I apologize for that sir. My stomach has been giving me trouble ever since I got up this morning."
"I'm sorry to hear that." Zachary said, and then turned to Nile, and gave him a very strict warning, "You better watch your mouth Commander Dawk, or you best believe you will be suspended for 1 week due to aggressive accusations towards your colleague," the tone in Zachary's voice was dangerously low.
The Premiere then turned back to Erwin with a slightly softer expression on his face, "Take a few days off, under my orders." he said, placing a firm yet gentle hand on the Survey Corps Commander's shoulder.
"Thank You sir," Erwin replied gratefully and
headed for the door. He then headed for a carriage waiting outside to take him back to the Survey Corps Headquarters.
----------
Upon arriving at the Survey Corps Headquarters, Erwin stepped out of the carriage and walked inside, heading straight for his office, closing the door behind him and stripping off his long coat and boots.
His stomach had started up again on the ride back to Trost District inside Wall Rose and now he had to go again. He headed for the bathroom, closed the door, pulled down his boxers and pants and sat down on the toilet. He groaned while his stomach cramped intensely, forcing a wave of brown sludge out of his ass and into the toilet bowl.
Shhhhhlluuuurrrggghhh! Phhhhllllooorrrrggghhh! Cccccchhhhhlllllaarrrrrttt!
Erwin brought a hand up to his forehead, moaning from the gurgling in his bloated belly and the way his ass was basically erupting mushy brown shit into the toilet every few minutes.
He grunted again and more squishy chunks squirted out of his ass, splattering the toilet bowl with a sickening squelch.
Grrrruuurrrggglllrrgg... Ssssssshhhhllllooorrrgggblurblurblurblurblurblurblurppppppppptttt!
"Oi Erwin, what the hell are you doing in there?" came Levi's voice through the door.
Erwin's head snapped up and then the realization set in, "Oh my God," he mumbled to himself, trying to hold back a wave of diarrhea that was building in his gut, "Yeah, what is it Levi?" he asked, trying to keep his voice level as another wave of cramps seized his bloated stomach while the pressure in his gut grew causing him to pant slightly.
"You alright?" Levi asked, his normally low gravelly voice slightly laced with concern.
"Yeah I'm-" he was cut off when his anus finally relaxed and allowed the wave of diarrhea to squirt of him and splatter into the toilet. The force of the diarrhea wave spraying out of him forced a sigh of relief past Erwin's lips.
"Erwin? Are you sure you're alright?" Levi asked.
"Oh Ymir," Erwin groaned out of sheer embarrassment, then a wet sounding fart squelched out.
Flllleeaaaaarrpppphh! "Ooooooooh~" he groaned, his face flushing a shade of tomato red as he buried it in his hands.
You've really done it now Smith. Now he'll never speak to you. Hell he won't even come near you anymore.
A few minutes past before he heard the lock on the door click and after a few more seconds, felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"Erwin..." came a familiarly gentle voice.
Erwin slowly looked up and saw Levi kneeling in front of him. He had on his white headscarf and cloth mask.
"What are you doing in here?" Erwin asked hiding his flushed face.
Levi sighed and carressed Erwin's chin, "Hey, look at me..." he said with a firm yet gently tone.
Erwin looked up at him, tears of shame brimming in his eyes.
"Hey, it's alright, you're sick and you can't help it." Levi said with a rarely gentle look in his steely gray eyes.
"This is so embarrassing," Erwin whispered, a few tears slipping out.
Before the tears could get a chance to hit the floor, Levi gently wiped them away, "Don't be, we all get sick," he said, "At least you're not constipated anymore."
Erwin chuckled softly and pulled himself together, biting back a groan as he felt another wave of diarrhea moving down into his rectum.
"I think you'd better step out. I feel another wave coming." he groaned from the intense gurgling in his stomach.
"Alright, call me if you need anything. Oh, and I spoke to Zachary and convinced him to let me take a few days off so I can take care of you." Levi said as he stepped out of the bathroom, gently closing the door on the way out.
As soon as Levi stepped out, Erwin felt a warm spray of diarrhea squirt out of his ass and join the rest of the slushy brown mess in the toilet bowl.
A few more minutes later, Erwin finally felt his stomach start to calm down after he'd pushed out a short mushy log, which degraded into brown sludge as soon as it slid out of his ass.
He grabbed a toilet paper roll and wiped himself before flushing the brown mushy mess down the toilet. He then pulled his boxers and pants back on, washed his
hands, lit a scented candle, and came out of the bathroom.
He headed straight for the bedroom that was connected to his office space and immediately flopped down onto the bed that Levi and him shared, allowing his tired body to sink into the soft bed.
"You get it done?" Levi asked, not looking up from the book in his hands.
"Mmyyuu..." came a muffled response from the pillow Erwin's face was buried in.
"Erwin, I can't understand you," Levi said, waiting for a response.
Levi looked over and saw the Commander, passed out on the bed, snoring softly.
Levi sighed, shaking his head while a small smirk creeped onto his face. He began looking around the room for a blanket, to which he found one in a cabinet next to one of the book shelves and walked over to the bed, draping it over the sleeping Commander.
"Sleep tight, Eyebrows," he chuckled lightly and went back to continue with his book.
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My name is Buttswana Gilgobucks and I am 4374 years old. I live in the northeast section of buttswugville, and I am not married. I work for the googoopiss department store, and I make sure to piss out of my ass before bed every night, while doing 20 minutes of assguppy stretches. With this, I sleep soundly, like a baby. I was told I have no issues (physical, maybe not mentally) at my latest checkup. What I’m trying to explain to you is how I live a peaceful life full of grug. I take great care to not trouble myself with the wet sharts of others, as that would cause me to lose sleep at night. However, if I were to engage in a shart-throwing contest, I wouldn’t lose to anyone.
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MAMAMOO reacting to you getting bullied + the type of friend they are!
Hwasa -
〇She is definitely more of the confident type, so if she needs something to be done, she’ll do it without question.〇
“Ello, baby bird! What’s happening?” She answered your call eagerly, a smile in her voice. “D-did I interrupt something..?” You answer timidly, being able to feel how tense Hyejin got when you spoke up. You were a normally loud person and would answer with something funny, yet dumb like “Nothing much bitch, just got my belly button pierced with Ms. Shin’s ear” or something of that nature. “Hmm, you didn’t interrupt anything. Well, nothing interesting anyway.. Byul’s being gay, as usual. What’s wrong, hun?” She asked, the protectiveness clear in her voice. “J-Jimin, she..” You trailed off, a hiccuping sniffle erupting out of your throat. “Say no more birdie, I got it covered.” Hyejin said before hanging up. 10 minutes later, you got a notification that *hwasa_mariahmarya* posted something on Mamagram. It was a nude and *Jiminangeloface* was tagged with the caption “don’t come for my friends unless you want someone to come for that stinky ass of yours. love ya.”
Wheein -
〇It goes without saying that Wheein is a crackhead. A beautiful, sweet, crackhead〇
“Yo, who’s crying? Wheein yelled as she walked into the ladies bathroom, sitting on one of the sinks in there. You abruptly tried to stop your wailing, now fully aware someone was in here. “Come on, don’t be shy. I don’t bite unless you’re into that kinda stuff.” Wheein paused, now hearing silence. “Alright, if you don’t come out I will get Mr. Johnson to shart on your face. He’d do it for 20 dollars, a hotdog and some company. So I think it’s best for you to jus-” You barge out of the stall, mascara running, puffy eyes, and a quivering lip. “Y/n, what the fuck? You coulda just said it was you! bythewaymrjohnsonhasdiabetesandhadtotaketherestofthemonthoffsoyeah. Why are you crying? Don’t tell me it was those Betty Boop Beyonce wannabes. Don’t tell me they tried to pick on you. You, my good ma’am, are one of the best people here! Don’t pay them any mind, they don’t deserve it. They’re just mad because their developer didn’t put them in rice yet, it will be okay, sweetheart. Now, let’s skip the next period and go get some mcflurries! You down? Of course you are.”
Moonbyul -
〇She is the biggest girl crush ever. She’d definitely be picking up at least ten numbers just by walking to her mailbox〇
Moonbyul walked into the class, late again as she refused to wear a skirt and had to report to the principal’s office. Update, she still had on pants. She walked to the back to sit by you, sending you a smile and frowning once she seen your head down. ‘Must be a headache’ She thought, rubbing your back, pausing once she felt you taking a shaky breath. She removed her hand and took out her notebook, ripping a small piece of paper and writing “U okay? If not, give me a one word reason why not” on it, passing it over to you. You looked up and rubbed your eyes, huffing quietly and nodding your head over at Jimin’s tablemates and herself, giggling every once in a while and looking back at you. Moonbyul immediately understood, changing her seats to quickly sit by them, in which they squealed and quickly began talking to Moonbyul about irrelevant stuff, which sh shut down. “Yeah, no. I refuse to waste my time with you.. you disgusting irresponsible. You’re wasting Y/n’s time by being assholes. Keep it to yourself.”
Solar -
〇mommy materia- wait no, i mean she is the type to baby her friends, as a mother figure〇
“I hope you reflect on your insolent behavior.”
^^that should be enough
#mamamoo#mamamoo solar#mamamoo moonbyul#mamamoo wheein#mamamoo hwasa#yongsun#moonbyul#wheein#hwasa#ahn hyejin#jung wheein#yi moonbyul#kim yongsun
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2020-09-25: Juiced! (Part 5)
August 7 (Friday midmorning)
After the events of the previous day, you'd think our lovely band of adventurers would catch a break. BUT YOU WOULD BE MISTAKEN! Messages, insights and calls to action proliferate throughout the party.
Lucky receives a letter from Miss Mavis asking for a favor:
"Lucky, can you and your friends help me find a crystalline energy amplifier? I need one for a restoration project. They're worth a hefty price, but I'll gladly reimburse if you find one."
Norm, meanwhile, has learned that Yance Elbereth is convalescing at SHART HQ. The time to strike against his assassination target is nigh!
Spleenifer has learned through meditation and spiritual attunement that the waterskin from the monk is a type of holy water and the decorative bowl is actually a bowl of Commanding Water Elementals. And on Spleenifer's first day of official work as Mayor Dunwall's assistant, she has been asked for her input how best to solicit donations to help the Mayor with reelection.
Q (going as Jay on this auspicious day) found a note under their door:
"From one bard to another, here's a piece of advice: never trust a Stout you can't drink. I have Stout problems of my own, if ever you want to meet for a pint at the usual bard hangouts. I'm easy to find, since the scales stand out. -Kadana Meristan"
Everyone splits up to start on their respective tasks, so let's follow one adventurer at a time and see where things lead!
Up first we have have Jay, and they strike out for the Juicy Lyre tavern to meet up with the mysterious author of the letter. Kadana, an attractive dragonborn, is nursing a pint while composing a song on the back of a playbill. After Jay takes a seat, she explains that Lawrence Stout was once her patron. But like Jay, she got into some hot water when things got a little too close between Kadana and Russell Stout. The younger Stout seems to have a habit of fraternizing with the arts (as the euphemism goes). But in Kadana's case, her arts funding got cut off as punishment.
Jay and Kadana muse for a bit on strategies to get back at Lawrence and/or Russell. The best way to strike back seems to be breaking up the Stout family businesses, but neither of them are quite sure how to go about doing that. Kadana excuses herself to attend to some other bardly matters, but it's clear that Kadana is playing this as a playful round of hard to get. Folks, we're seeing the beginnings of a beautiful friendship (and possible romance)!
But we must fade to black for now and pick up on Spleenifer's tale! She's back at the Mayoral Manor to discuss the upcoming election strategy. On the way over to the Mayor's place, she found a slightly-charred scrap of paper that probably fell out of someone's pocket during the events of last night. It reads: "You promised me I could use the ring to fix my problem. -Rooney"
Spleenifer stuffs the scrap in her pocket and focuses on the task at hand with the mayor. Since Zaribeth Quickfingers is mounting an unexpectedly strong campaign (though really, any campaign at all is probably unexpectedly strong against Dunwall), the incumbent mayor needs to take the special election preparations seriously. Spleenifer suggests mounting a spin campaign to solicit donations, but her methods are a bit... unorthodox:
"Make it say incontinent instead of incumbent!"
That'll surely take away from the discontent brewing about the mayor's presumed incompetence! What's a giant dung beetle to do? Approve the suggestion and blast it out across town, of course!
Now we switch POV to Lucky, who suggested at the start of the adventure that the party should investigate an unusual announcement in today's Brownstone Bugle where the Meyrick family was looking to hire someone to kidnap their daughter for ransom. But Lucky isn't abandoning Miss Mavis's task! In her words, she's gonna try to kill two stones with one bird.
Lucky is already familiar with crystalline energy amplifiers, and knows they can be found in certain naturally occurring crystal deposits. The catch is that only the biggest crystals (worth at least 1,000GP) can function as a proper amplifier, but she's got a lead on a potential source in a mine about 10 miles east of town. If Lucky can win the audition to kidnap the daughter, she could potentially stash her quarry in the mine while looking for crystals.
She knocks on the the door of the Meyrick estate, and the butler escorts her Mr. Meyrick's study. Mr. Meyrick is a skinny man with wild hair that is graying at the temples. If Gary Busey was a used car salesman and the characters knew what car salespeople were, that's what everyone would say the elder Meyrick looks like.
Mr. Meyrick asks Ms. Lucky Proudfoot what her plans for his daughter are, and she explains the plan. She also plans to scurry off to the mines in a mobile house on chicken legs for extra dramatic flair. The daughter can work in the mines hunting crystals while waiting for the ransom payment to arrive. Meyrick thinks this is an excellent plan and hires Lucky on the spot. He just needs some time to subdue his daughter before she'll be ready for the exchange. Come back later this evening, he says, and she'll be Lucky's problem for the next few hours.
Now's the perfect time to switch over to Norm, who's sneaking his way to where Yance is staying. The recently-concussed trader of illicit antiquities is laying on a cot staring at the ceiling. Norm applies some of the St. Ignatius's Re-Dead Juice to his dagger and moves in for the kill. But Yance rolls over just as Norm enters the room and makes eye contact.
All is not lost, though! Norm shifts into playing the part of an ally who is checking in on him after the concussion. "How many fingers am I holding up?" Norm asks. He goes through a series of simple tests and then "checks for bumps" on the back of Yance's head. That's when Norm makes a tiny nick at the base of Yance's hairline with his poison-coated dagger. Yance passes away seconds later, peacefully slumping back onto the cot.
Sounds of a loud scuffle erupt outside, and from Norm's vantage point, it appears to be a fight between five drunken sailors and a sober-seeming ship's officer. Despite being split up, the rest of the party is close enough to hear the sounds of the brawl and everyone converges on the scene.
Lucky triggers a wild surge and casts Suggestion on one of the sailors, telling him to "make love, not war." Every time she blinks, a duck appears nearby. The sailor under the influence of Lucky's Suggestion grabs a fellow sailor by the arms and pulls him over for a deep kiss. The sailor on the receiving end of the kiss is surprisingly receptive to the romantic gestures, and they stumble away from the fray to keep the passion burning.
Norm exits his building, dashing through alleyways so as to make it look as though he came from a completely different building. There's a drunken brawl and a separate manly make-out session and at least a dozen ducks by this point. What the heck is happening here?
Spleenifer, having been a sheltered woman of faith, has never seen men kiss before. She grabs a duck and announces to her newfound companion: "Let's watch together!" Regardless of the duck's opinion on the matter, it's along for the ride. The passionate pirates are flattered by Spleenifer's audience, but their ships don't really sail that way, if you catch their drift.
While all this chaos is unfolding, Lucky has a bit more fuel to add to the fire. She drops her suggestion and casts invisibility on two pirates and the officer. It's hard to fight when you can't see each other, right? Well, it does stop the fight for the most part, as the two invisible pirates stumble off to rob a bank with their newfound invisibility powers.
The remaining pirate is lifted up by an invisible force (spoiler: it's the captain) and slapped. Now the captain's visible again and orders him to return to the Rising Howl, their ship that is currently docked until the river rises high enough to let them sail. Spleenifer grabs another duck from the flock (now called Prongle), while still restraining the original duck (now named T'Pam) in her sturdy arms. She manages to coax them into pecking at each other like they're kissing.
Norm dashes over to where the sailors were fighting and is nearly overpowered by the stench of alcohol. He pulls out a match lights it to see just how much of a drunken cloud the sailors left behind. Lucky adds a little pizzazz to the situation with a little bit of flammable luck, and the cloud ignites in an impressive cloud of flame in the air that leads in the direction of the fleeing sailors. Jay leaps in front of the two kissing sailors to shield their love from the explosion.
Once things calm down (always only briefly in this town), the party swings by the general store for some pickaxes for their upcoming mining expedition. Not wanting T'Pam and Prongle to feel left out, Spleenifer fashions some miniature pickaxes out of twigs to give to the ducks. Lucky snags a caterpillar cocoon (foreshadowed magical purposes!) on the way to contact the lizardfolk to borrow their house.
At the Meyrick estate, Mr. Meyrick greets the party and directs them to a wagon containing a tied-up sleeping giantess (technically half-giantess, but still LORGE). Once their "hostage" is safely aboard the house, the party contemplates what to do.
"I've never done kidnapping before," asks Lucky "but is it reasonable to ask for her emancipation?" But that is soon answered once the giantess wakes up. Lucky is able to communicate with her, and learns that the giantess's name is Tina. She's well-spoken and her family loves her a lot. This whole kidnapping thing is a publicity stunt to get some sponsorship deals. The house gallops toward the mine, reaching the entrance after about 20 minutes.
Tina agrees to help the party mine for crystalline amplifiers and takes up a pickaxe along with the rest of the party. Lucky uses the cocoon to transform herself into an umber hulk with a sweet, sweet burrowing speed. But after some time has passed, a group of eight drunken brigands arrives at the mine's entrance to hide out.
Norm puts down his pickaxe and sneaks toward the boisterous brigands to assess the situation. One of the group has a rucksack full of books, while the rest carry sacks of more conventional treasure. As Norm listens in from the shadows, he learns that the treasure comes from their recent break-in of Salem's.
The sound of picks against stone catches the attention of the brigands, who drop their spoils and tread deeper into the tunnels. A massive chunk of crystal has just been unearthed, and it could function as a quality crystalline amplifier if it can be completely excavated. However, that's the time the drunkards show up. One of them makes obscene and probably physiologically incompatible advances at Tina and a fight soon breaks out.
Smites, spells, and sneak attacks smash into the metaphorically-smashed sailors. Lucky's burrowing triggers a small tunnel collapse, and her confusing gaze disorients even more of the sailors. Spleenifer smacks at the base of the crystal to uproot it before the tunnel collapses further, and soon the party emerges victorious.
Mr. Meyrick arrives to collect his daughter just as the last brigands flee into the night. He mentions that the sponsorship deal fell through, though he still brought the promised ransom. Maybe they'll be able to collaborate on another scheduled kidnapping in the future? Who knows!
The party searches through the stuff left behind by the brigands and finds wealth of many types. Material wealth in the form of gold and gems is most obvious here, but there is also informational wealth. Among the books that were stolen from Salem's is a copy of Zaribeth's accounting ledger. As in, the true version that depicts all the shady stuff going on with Zaribeth's businesses.
With that realization, the adventure concludes for the night and everyone advances to level 12. Stay tuned next time for more!
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Mound Visits: Owen Sharts, ‘Chicken’ Palmagiani, and Travis Swaggerty are all real baseball names
Plus Terry Francona’s shirt, Vlad Jr.’s injury, and more you might have missed this week in baseball.
Welcome to Mound Visits, your weekly recap of the best things you might have missed in baseball every week. This week brings us college players swimming in dugouts, an opportunity to have a Very Pete Rose Father’s Day, and real baseball player Owen Sharts.
Have a favorite Mound Visit? Tweet it at me, and I’ll include it in next week’s column.
Third in the Division, First In Butt Shaking
Somebody will appreciate this. pic.twitter.com/Xq6NTEyDtK
— Chad Moriyama (@ChadMoriyama) June 6, 2018
There’s only one response to this, obviously.
[Incredibly Oregon Trail voice] “We’re sorry, your entire baseball team was injured trying to ford the dugout”
It rained so much in Oxford, Mississippi during the first weekend of the College World Series that not only were all games canceled on Friday but the field in Oxford was completely underwater.
Which made for a prime opportunity for some Rebels players to swim in the dugout as if it were a lap lane. This is one of those situations where it doesn’t seem like a lifelong dream or anything — “gosh, I wish the dugouts would fill with water so we could swim in them!” — but it is a situation that would be very hard to turn down when presented with the opportunity.
About That Crushing World Series Loss ...
Ever sat through your team losing a World Series in a crushing seven game series and wished that you could get away like in one of those Southwest commercials? Maybe considered taking a break from being a fan but stuck with it through the pain because you’re loyal? Hoped for an easy way out in the back of your mind a little?
Meet Cody Deason, a Dodgers fan who was drafted by the Astros this week so he can retroactively be (slightly) happy about last year’s World Series.
Back That Base Path Up
Every time I watch this it’s funny. Great goof. Perfect waste of 20 seconds of game time.
"Dude, seriously?..." -Gordon Beckham, probably
pic.twitter.com/iWLrJv9Slq
— Tacoma Rainiers (@RainiersLand) June 4, 2018
Shirt of the Week Goes To:
If you’re going to troll a fan, you should definitely do it in a KCAF shirt. Wardrobe matters.
pic.twitter.com/B3p5aEHSlb
— Danny Duffy (@duffkc41) June 1, 2018
Pete Rose Bets He Can Make Your Dad’s Father’s Day Great
Father’s Days is only a week and change away. You’re running out of time to get him a special gift that he’ll never forget. So if you’re in a jam, Pete Rose has an offer for you that will certainly be special and unforgettable ... just maybe not in the way that you were thinking.
Just got an email that Pete Rose is offering to wish your Dad or Grandfather at Happy Father's Day on video.........all for just $150.
— Kristie Ackert (@Ackert_NYDN) June 4, 2018
Take a minute to picture what a 77-year old Pete Rose wishing your dad a happy Father’s Day on video would look like. Now think of all the ways it could go terribly. Now imagine someone spending $150 on that. I think we’re done here.
LOL Metsgiving
This is (probably) just going to be a consistent header now. LOL Metsgiving is like a weekly holiday, because they never fail to offer up new and ridiculous ways to Mets a situation up. This week, they really spelled it out for us.
Statement on tonight’s giveaway. #Mets pic.twitter.com/3FaBCn6yCP
— New York Mets (@Mets) June 2, 2018
The World Tried To Take Vlad Guerrero Jr. From Us. NOT ALLOWED.
This week, the Blue Jays announced they were considering promoting Vladito to Triple A within the next month. That was bad (and ridiculous) enough. But then this happened:
New Hampshire Fisher Cats have placed top #Bluejays prospect Vlad Guerrero Jr. on the 7-day disabled list as he deals with a leg injury.
— Rob Longley (@longleysunsport) June 7, 2018
Is there no one in New Hampshire that can give him a leg? Has medical science not advanced far enough to heal our precious Vlad Jr. and keep him in the game without a recovery period?
Owen Shart, Chicken Palmegiani, and Travis Swaggerty walk into a draft
MLB Draft names are getting more out of hand by the year. These youths have names like “Travis Swaggerty” which is what Tom Cruise’s character in Cocktail would be called if they remade it today and cast Ansel Elgort in the lead role.
The Pirates took Travis Swaggerty 10th overall, which means there’s a world where “everyday big leaguer Travis Swaggerty” is a reality. The Blue Jays selected a player whose nickname is legitimately Chicken Palmegiani.
Blue Jays rep introduced this guy with "Better known as 'Chicken Palmegiani.'" Really. https://t.co/6Z7s2GuLmI
— Andrew Mearns (@MearnsPSA) June 6, 2018
And then there was this stretch of names, which reads like a mix of preppy teens on an early aughts CW show and rich, old time-y oil barons who want to shut down the local dance hall so they can build a fancy hotel.
why don't they just make the whole plane out of popped collars? pic.twitter.com/u4ajlEOztz
— Whitney McIntosh (@WhitneyM02) June 6, 2018
Beastmode, Softball Style
You probably saw a highlight of Florida State University’s Jessie Warren make this amazing diving catch during the Women’s College World Series.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!
JESSIE WARREN. #WCWS pic.twitter.com/LQwH3JR47A
— NCAA Softball (@NCAAsoftball) June 5, 2018
Did you also know she’s a beast on the field and at the plate in every other game too?
Looking at @jessicawarren01 stats. '18 was just silly. Sheesh
-More HR (21) than strikeouts (20)
-Despite not having elite speed, did not ground into a single double play all year.
-More total bases (153) than outs (109)
-1.350 OPS (Barry Bonds was 1.365 in his MVP seasons).
— Bud Elliott (@BudElliott3) June 6, 2018
I mean, damn.
We’ll Always Have RippedTimmy
The Rangers released Tim Lincecum this week, cutting short his major league comeback before he could make an impression in the majors. But RippedTimmy will always be with us in our hearts.
This Is What Happens When You Let The Mariners Lead A Division
Yep. As of Thursday night’s games, the AL West standings spell SHAAT. Sometimes baseball really makes it literal so you don’t miss anything.
Someone Sign Terry Francona Up For Trunk Club
Indians manager Terry Francona attended Cavaliers-Warriors Game 3 at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland on Wednesday night. And he did it looking like he spilled something on his shirt and had to borrow something from the clubhouse Lost and Found pile so he didn’t miss tip off.
missed most of the first quarter because I was examining Terry Francona’s shirt pic.twitter.com/x4l9nCClVm
— Brendan Porath (@BrendanPorath) June 7, 2018
Please, someone on the Cleveland roster, sign Terry up for Trunk Club. Surprise him by nominating him for Season 3 of Queer Eye. Something. Anything.
Bryce Harper’s No Good Very Bad Week
This week, Golden Knights fan Bryce Harper watched his teammates cheer on the Capitals as they dismantled the Golden Knights to go up three games to one in the Stanley Cup Final.
#ALLCAPS! Finally! It’s not Caps fans feeling this way! @Bharper3407 not cised! (photo credit: coworker at game)! #StanleyCupFinals pic.twitter.com/fhYOQCnimq
— Jaime Simon (@BeachUss) June 5, 2018
Then his own helmet tried to kill him while he was legging out a double. Whatever deal he made to try and make sure the Nationals win a playoff series this year, he definitely didn’t read the fine print about what it would cost him.
When Baseball Players Forget How To Baseball
“Yakety Sax” composers James Q. Rich and Boots Randolph were actually in the stands at this Rockies-Reds game on Wednesday night. They watched this sequence, then immediately time traveled back to 1963 to record the song because they were so inspired by this complete mess.
When everyone simultaneously forgets how to baseball pic.twitter.com/FLgu1Dy5Er
— Dylan Anderson (@DiamondDigest) June 7, 2018
This game also featured one of the most amazing baseball catches you’ll ever see ... and it’s only appropriate it was made by a fan.
A Rod and J Lo Can Never Break Up
Best baseball couple. BEST baseball couple.
Many of you have been very gracious and complimentary about my analysis on @mlbonfox pregame shows. I guess it’s time everyone learned my secret ... @jlo #baseballsavant #worldofbaseball #andthatswhatyouwanttosaybaby
A post shared by Alex Rodriguez (@arod) on Jun 7, 2018 at 4:44pm PDT
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Horsewomen
May i enter. Quietly. For insight. And take back nothing but truth.
____
I sit here waiting.
I sit here waiting for you.
This is uncomfortable. This is actually a rather unsettling feeling. My breathing is no deeper than my upper chest. I am distracted. I want some distraction. Watch something nonsensical. Eat. Eat plenty. Something to comfort me. This sense of hunger, of not being full, no matter what i am putting in - from the healthiest to the junkiest.
He wants to mute me.
He is making pulao and raita. Just what i need maybe. Maybe with that i’ll be satiated. Calm this restlessness.
Weight on the chest. Cant go, oh damn! on it. Just watch it. Even if i spent the last month and a half working this weight off.
Actors freeze writers block.
Dont i have anything to write? After steam rolling for a week.THe point when i assumed things would come together into a giant revelation?
Breathe into the belly. Reach out from formula.
“What do i mean by…”
I miss. I miss kalari. Its a fact. I miss. I miss thiru. I miss. I am a miss. I am amiss, between a miss and a missus.
Something in the face sharts shifting. Music is hindustani. Kishori amolkar he announces, informs, sticking is head out of building pulao.
Watched S’s viva. As she discussed body widsom as the maker and keeper of stories, and the source of the individial truth and meaning making process we all search for.
Watched Su’s body leave her home of 85 years. Watched Su’s body after her spirit left its home of 85 years. He brows were tight together, as if frozen amidst a painful exercise to recall something.
Mid sentence, mid building he walks over for the hug, hug of reconciliation, hug of understanding, a hug to acknowledge, a hug to reassure - one of us, both of us.
A death happened.
Finally. After a dance on the edges that lasted almost 2 years. I remember sitting in the room with my therapist as art of the Art Therapy studies, and role playing with a strange dream, where i was arguing with R and having some experience of the Buzz road first floor centered around my possessions- why it cant be moved or something and his friends being around and me feeling alientated; while down in the ground floor abyss, the dreamer was distinctly aware of death waiting. The house didnt quite look like this, but was the same. In a way that spaces rearrange them selves in dreams, an additional corridor there, an elevation somewhere else, a door connecting two opposite ends of the house directly.
I dont know her at all. I have barely spoken to her more than a few handful of times in the 4 years that Buzz road has been my home. And none of the conversations have lasted more than a few minutes. She was a fine looking thin lady. Who i was told was a shell of her former robust self, and had alzheimer's setting in. So the main door, which is the common entrance to all the three floors had to be locked early enough. She would have anxieties otherwise.
Nothing too loud or boisterous.
Its never been loud or boisterous at buzz road from the time i have known it. Maybe when i got to know it, it was around the time it had gotten contemplative, retrospective, nostalgic. With not enough energy to hold the heightened states of merry making and large groups splashing their vibrance around. But finding them quietly in the folds of memory, back and forth, and reweaving them, alone.
I came into the quiet buzz road; a buzzing road thats quietened now, i realize.
People were talking about the sheer energy she possessed. I can imagine. Even when the last time we exchanged pleasantries, as i walked to junk the compost into the new compost pit we had going in the back yard, she was clear in her gaze, her glance inspire of all the tubes running out of her. Was that the last time she saw me? Or when i had my lungi pulled up, carrying the water cans to the first floor. I had put on an effort to be myself, anticipating judgements for my hairy legs, or my unconventionality inspite of my desperate attempts to fit into the conventional. Whatever conventional means.
I now wear diamond earrings to honor a memory. Of someone i have only met in books and ideas. WHo would have thunk!
He comes over from the pillars of pulao. Share a few grains of his memory.
The sense of community he is experiencing at the moment - in the virtual world with the responses that came in response to his tribute to her, -in this space, with his cousin who he felt he had nothing in common with. A point he always kept making. Until now, when he seems to suddenly have noticed a shared childhood. He accepted his cousin’s invitation to be there on the 10th and 13th day and was touched by the gensture, though he trailed off a “my beliefs are my own” as he made his way back into the kitchen.
From the kitchen he recounts and as kishori continues to inspire the pulao, how his aunt took him to the hospital after his infamous fall off the rockface, he had managed to get back home pushing his conked motor bike before fainting in the loo with a shirt soaking in blood. Quite dramatic. This bit of the story is new to me. I knew of the fall. And the 7 stitches. I didnt know she featured in the story, which i imagined to be the grand fall that shook the 3 worlds and its from that impact on the earth that i was born.
He was 18. My parents copulated. 1983.
This is quite a nice start to the mythical story.
What is this sentimentality? I am not a sentimental person. Sensitive yes. Sentimental? Not really.
In all senses i am aware of the fact that death doesnt mean anything. Other than the change of the playing scene. For the person who dies. Atleast for most people who die. A change of play for the actor.
For the co-actors, yea its awkward. Suddenly, the improvisation has new energy, an unknown. Space available for new possibilities.
Also a sense of a loss of the playing dynamics, which has to be refigured in new context.
Thats all death is.
And i myself must be dying in a million ways in the million multiverses, never mind “the other” dying. The infinite stages strung together and the actor playing out the infinite possibilities of each second.
The thought of him dying was obsessive,for last two years. Its only of late that i have been able to relax. Otherwise it was a high alert since his tryst with the fissure and bp. I would be up at night watching and monitoring the deapth of his breath as he snored on. The thought of him dying and the paranoia that set in was a pattern repeat of the tightly controlled panic I experienced regularly as a teenager when my mother came home wheezing and we spent the whole nights praying and trying to help her get some relief. With no one else to turn for help. Sheer holding-on to the the caregiver, protector, provider.
Sheer holding-on as the intermediate caregiver, protector, supporter.
Today i am lot more relaxed. The pattern that was triggered two years ago has eased. It gave a sample of the minefield of triggers that lay dormant in my mindscape.
Last night when he spoke of his will, after the initial reaction of sheer panic setting in, and then watching it pass, i was able to engage in the conversation - who should the bangalore house be left for? A. She has plenty in her name already. What about AV? Wonderful idea. He is a lonewolf with a strong sense of community. And will find some meaning and continuity, “make something with it, share it”.
Pondi house is for me.
There is no house in pondi yet. There is land in pondi. And our dreams for the home. Our mutual curiosity of this human instinct, nesting. What does it mean to make a nest with someone - which is neither his nor mine, but ours.
Pondi house is for us.
Its ours.
Quite fitting for the closet romantics that we both are.
Such a relief this sentence gave me. Pondi house is for us. Its ours.
What a burden it seems to be lifting from my shoulders.
My self image moves, glides past the harshly lit railings where it was held prisoner by my critical self - ever questioning my intentions of initiating and insisting on insisting on a home in pondicherry. Is it greed? Is it the easy way out? Are you in this for the money?
To something lit with a much softer glow of depth and wisdom. And love and respect.
Ustad Ali Akbar Khan takes the manch.
Nobody else may understand this. But we do. You and i, do.
That ours is a dance of light and shadows. We love and hate. Trust and mistrust. We make love with the enemy. Sleep, cook. Learn to trust. Love. The historical “ other”.
Far from Romeo Juliet. Far far from it. Infact, it probably starts where SSpere left off.
Imagine in play space: Romeo is reborn. Some 20 years ahead of Juliet, who was stuck in a limbo in some portal. And they finally meet. And there is nothing in the way- no warring families, no borders, no jealous friends, no helpful friends either - there is nothing helping, there is nothing standing in the way - except themselves. And all their assumption and presumptions.
“oh! I dint realize you were so obsessive.”
“Oh! I didnt realize you had such a nasty streak”
“You dont listen”
“This is far from the ever after i imagined”
Well, as i write this i suppose this is following the graph of every relationship there is. Nothing unconventional here. Inspite of all our ideas and stories of how unconventional this is.
Also, we arent really gear shifting because we have no kids.
Am i ok with that? Not having a child? Yes. In many ways. It will be nice to have someone to shape and mould and protect and spoil. But when i imagine, i dont think i will be doing something very different from what my mother did - circumstances and conveniences may be different - but the structure is the same - shape, mould, protect and spoil and love - with different degrees of ingredients - but still a replication of the process. Thats what nature is best at, no? Replicating. I dont want to do that. I can see past that temptation.
A cat will do. Or a squirrel. Or a raven. Or a garden lizard, according to him.
Coco.
One coco gone from the terrace. So many coco’s playing around in the goundfloor garden.
Sleepy.
Call with K is postponed to tomorrow.
Project Objex continues to delvelop and offer rich insights offline. Though the thread is held online. No, The thread is seemingly held online.
I find myself pretty uninteresting at the moment.
Stitching classes with mom is nice. Nice is a strange word. And a strange word is what i need to describe it. She is clear and simple. With sketchy camera angling skills. But in her area of expertise, she leaves me with no room for doubts or confusions. Reminded me of how she used to teach me as a child. I remember she used to say a thing only twice, if i made her repeat a third time, i would get whacks for not paying attention. And now she seems to be the epitome of patience, as i also notice my child self coming to the fore, to provoke and test, with disinterest and wandering attention and confusion. She holds the thread with such firm clarity and patience, that i notice the child self dissolving away, making way for me to inhabit the present. In the beginning, 15 minutes into the session, i noticed fatigue and disinterest and irritation setting. And by the end of the class i was clear and inspired and received the information she was clearly trying to transmit. I notice myself eagerly summarising all that i understood at the end of the session. Satisfaction and closure for her. And for me.
All that the giver has to give, needs a taker.
So that the giver can give fully and completely. And be free.
I feel when i am listening to my mother, i feel i am also simultaneously receiving from my grandmother. A line of women who understood cloth. And clothes.
A line of women, who were a few generations ago not permitted to cover their breasts, fashioning the most interesting and quirky ways of covering and revealing.
A line of women, some of who also sliced and placed a breast or two at the altar of life unlived.
A life of women who may have forgotten the joys of sun and wind and rains on naked breasts.
For me to understand R, i had to bring it closer to home. Last night the news of his aunts passing, meant that the inevitable event of his parents passing is clearer in the minds eye. I wouldnt have understood it, if i hadnt played out the scene of mom passing. And i notice that i keep telling myself that i will hold it together, like a stoic -like the stoic. Though the physical sensation is of a collapse a caving in. Like it matters. As if what matters is how i respond to it.
And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden disappearance of an actor...
Ashwini BIde Deshpande takes the mach.
The transformer catches fire. In a way that i have never seen it catch fire before - with a big long sideways trialing flame. And abruptly stops. WE gather candles and he goes to alert the watchman to make the calls to the electricity board. And i wonder if its a hello from the other worlds.
And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden appearance of an actor...gentle drizzzle
And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden disappearance of an actor...and the only thing that matter there is how you respond to the moment, to the change in space, how i respond to a new space.
He does the tadka, a vertical flame lover the ladle he uses for tadka.
We are such theatre.
But why is our sensation of it so mundane and unheightned. As if there is no audience.
The sense of audience , of someone watching is what has fuelled most of the adventures in life. Like on is at once living at writing ones autobiography, and featuring in a biography, all at the same time. The vantage of the witness. Is what inspired this whole era of camera and film and now virtual.
Very many ways of the mirror.
The vantage of the inner witness. Makes me relax a little, teeny weeny, into the belly. The breath is quarter an inch deeper.
What was the word that mom used for leaving a little extra provision of cloth - side something...let me check the book. Not side - seam. Seam Allowance. At least i got the first alphabet right. S. Mom and me have a long way to here, i see.
I didnt realise or register that R’s aunt used to play male roles in the play. She was an actress. I didnt know R’s very married aunt was happy to flirt with the handsome doc while R was getting stitched up from his fall. But around her, knowing that she lived down stairs, and maybe from the kind of home she lived in and her seemingly very traditional exchanges with people around her, I shrank. I felt I would be judged for not fitting in line with the expectation of a space. Walked past her awkwardly, pausing only for pleasantries. Not visiting her in her room as often as i could have and as often as i wanted to even, for the strangeness of the exchange.
Nor having the balls to suggest playing some classical music to her. Some respite from the dreaded TV.
Did i judge her illness or her age or her wealth?
Made it all about me?
Wanting to listen to music quietly together with a practical stranger at her bedside, we must share some language no? Some connection had to have happened. Some step one and two had to be crossed to find that step three. Or could i have straight have jumped to three? Long and short, that want, which kept appearing as an image, i believed was a response to her experience of intense loneliness. And my helplessness.
Which is understandable, one of the first descriptions of her from people who knew her was how social she was -how she was surrounded by friends. Yet in the past year and a half she saw no one except the nurses who were with here round the clock, her children, daughterinlaw, sister who regularly visited and maybe us once in a while and her, and occasional visits from her nieces and nephews. Watched plenty of TV. And went in and out of a hospital. And lived in looping memory. Ate mostly from a tube. The dabba that formulas came in we now use to store flowers for the pooja room everyday.
I would have really liked to go and sit and listen to her, her stories. But i didnt have the balls. What if she rejected me. I would take it very personally. I would be very hurt.
Because i kept dancing on the brink of the rejections. Dreading rejections from R, from friends, from peers, from the kalari. That i so intensely yearn to belong.
And so imagining that possible rejection, and a cruel word - i never made an effort. Even when i wanted to.
Just before she left to the hospital the last time round, I didnt go into her room. Walking past the gesture of one of her nurses to come in - justifying it mentally with “not wearing a mask”. Maybe i was arguing a lot with R and had no bandwidth for the extended family at the moment. Maybe when i argue with R i see no reason why i live here. Maybe when i am arguing with R, i feel I dont belong here. And my whole presence here is a lie. And i dint want her too catch my dishonesty of intentions, of superficiality. My fears.
I have often been plagued by the feeling of helplessness here at buzz road. Much lesser now. This round of our stay has been far more hands on, “empowered”, and with room for changes and play of dynamics. Me allowing myself to do the things i feel like doing at the cost of being “seen”.
Noticing caste encoded in the body memory. Because i have no lived memory of it. My earliest association with identity is being told by my father that i had “no caste, no gender, no religion”, i was human and a girl as equal to any boy.
Why then did i feel my space shrink here? Did i subtly read your judgments without even noticing it? R tells me that you singled out your daughter for her dark skin. Not moer than half a shade darker surely, because i didnt at all notice any color variations in your skins; you all looked like you were from the same family and that was it. Is that why i feel great kindship with the people who work here - because i unknowingly somewhere by the color of my skin maybe they judge me as one of them?
So there is a story of rejection here that i picked up from the space and wove into my story.
Kabira khada baazar mein
Mangey sabki Kahir
Nahi kahoon sey dosti
Nahi kahoon sey bair
I spent an hour faffing to escape finishing this page. Because it doesnt seem to be getting over. One think is linking to the next and then to the next, faster than i can write.
Or want to write.
I can let go.
Yes.
I can let this go.
I dont have to hold on to it like the bag that L and I tugged between each other other over compulsion to be the ideal daughterinlaw/good samaritan.
Lets me just summarize to myself that today i glimpsed the family, this group of people bound together by blood relations, a lot deeper than i ever have. I noticed wounds, as much as i noticed bonds. I noticed bonds, as much as i noticed wounds.
And i have no idea how i walked into this story, which seems to be an epic in itself with my own sense of great mythical journeying. I want nothing from them except peace and resolving and healing of wounds.
And thats what seems to be happening.
No one is counting all this work we are doing in the GDP. I always liked micro economics over macro economics.
Something.
Sleep
___
I gently close the door behind me. Notice the skin a bit shirvelled from time spent a touch too long in war. Thank you for keeping me safe in your waters. Thank you for the waves.
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Bomb Cyclone, Baby!
2018 has started with a bang. It was about 4,000 degrees below zero on New Year’s Day so we stayed the hell indoors, roasted a chicken and watched a mediocre Norwegian movie on Netflix. Is there any other kind of Norwegian movie?
Then on the 2nd I had to go back to work but really that meant I got to travel to Connecticut for a regional sales meeting. Having to travel on your first day back to work in the new year kind of sets the tone for potential crazy. And crazy it was.
When I left Indy it was like -2 when I arrived at Laguardia it was like 28. A 30 degree swing in the weather that you could actually feel. 28 is still cold but, bitches, that’s normal winter. -2 is some Revenant shit.
Wednesday the 3rd was just sort of regular winter weather.
But Wednesday the 3rd became Thursday the 4th. The day that I experienced my first ever Bomb Cyclone. Apparently this is some sort of meteorological phenomenon where “millibars” drop fast or some shit. I don’t fucking know. Alls I know is it created a shit storm of crazy.
All. Damn. Day on Thursday it snowed like nothing I have ever seen before. It was snowing up, down, sideways and any other direction you can imagine. It was often hard to tell if it was actually snowing or if it was just the wind blowing existing snow to Kingdom Come. Thankfully I was indoors at a very “seasoned” Marriott hotel in Stamford. “Seasoned” meaning it had seen better days but they had a bar so that’s really all that matters. Who cares if the towels were the consistency of tissue paper? Threadcount is of lesser importance than availability of an IV stream of Maker’s Mark as you wait out a winter storm.
On Thursday night as my co-workers and I drank and ate pigs in a blanket, we decided that Delta airlines was not going to prevent us from getting home. We would monitor the flight sitch and if need be we would get us an SUV from Enterprise and be on our merry way. There were five of us coming back to Indy so our (slightly buzzed) decision was that we would each drive 2.5 to 3-ish hours. Seemed doable at the time. And the roads were to be clear by that point yet the residual effects of hideous weather all across the Eastern Seaboard left us less than optimistic about air travel.
I watched that Delta app like a fucking hawk circling a nest of bunnies. As it turns out, having an evening flight out of Laguardia ending up being our saving grace. All the morning flights were cancelled AF. All the midday flights were cancelled AF. But around 2:00 PM things started to take off. It was hit or miss but a positive sign. The 3:30 flight to Indy was going to be our make or break. I kept refreshing the app. It had a gate. Refresh. It started to board. Refresh. It pushed back from the gate. Refresh. It took off. PRAISE BE! I think we’re going to get home. First, I had been gone for 4 days and was ready to be home. Second, my work trip packing strategy is one that allows for zero error. No room for error with spills, sharts or anything. I literally had NO clean clothes. Not that they don’t have stores in Connecticut. But still.
As it turned out, the airport was not chaos. The lines were normal. There were seats at the restaurants. We boarded on time. We taxied for a mere 20 minutes which is really, really good for ANY flight out of LGA. Let alone one during the winter when the weather is for shit. The 40 mph wind gusts made the takeoff unpleasant but that only lasted 5 minutes. Then wham, bam, thank you, ma’am I’m home!
I survived my first Bomb Cyclone and yet my personal preference is to never experience a second one. It was great to bond through weather adversity with fun co-workers to the point where a t-shirt was discussed. “Bomb Meeting – Bomb Cyclone”.
We’ll see if that materializes.
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Hey Everybody, Jurassic World Sucked (And Here’s Why)
We’re now entering the mandatory hype period for the Jurassic World sequel — and for good reason, too. The first one made $1.6 billion at the box office. It’s at a solid 70 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and went on to be the seventh-highest-grossing Blu-ray in the U.S. The film was a shining success by every metric there is.
Well, except mine. I hated Jurassic World like an anal rash. I walked out of it the first time I saw it, because I’d rather be in a porn theater with Brett Ratner than a regular theater playing Jurassic World. To me, this was the Phantom Menace of the Jurassic Park franchise — a popular film, heavily praised, which would ultimately be considered a baffling cinematic shart once the nostalgia dust cleared.
Entertainment WeeklyNever forget what you did, America.
I know this sounds like the opinion of one angry man with a possible cornhole affliction, but I’d like you to take a second and allow me to calmly explain why I’m objectively correct. This was a visually broken film made by a boardroom of glossed dildos who had no idea why the original movie was so beloved. And I’m going to prove it right now. Calmly and briefly, like some kind of pedantic monk.
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6 Movies Aimed At Kids (With Scenes That Definitely Weren't)
The film starts on a meta observation by Bryce Dallas Howard’s character, as one of her first lines is “Let’s be honest, no one’s impressed by a dinosaur anymore.” This single bit of dialogue serves as the crutch on which the entire movie slumps, a lazy sentiment I’ve seen countless times when people defend why they enjoyed this film. “Hey, it was a stupid fun time! You can’t expect it to have the same impact as Jurassic Park, a movie made 20 years ago!” Only the truth isn’t that moviegoers are no longer impressed by seeing a dinosaur, but that Jurassic World had no goddamn idea how to make a dinosaur impressive. But they choose to neg the audience instead of owning up to it, like biting someone’s dick off and then declaring “People just don’t like blowjobs anymore.”
So let me give you the first of many examples. Please pay close attention to the following expertly made GIFs:
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Universal Pictures
Universal Pictures“Careful, it can smell franchise desperation.”
This is the scene wherein the Indominus Rex first escapes from its enclosure and chases our Chris Pratt under the truck. Had we not clearly known he was the star, this could have been a moment of visual suspense. Only it’s not quite right.
See, for most of this scene, the camera stays under the truck with Pratt. This creates a feeling of claustrophobia and helplessness, akin to being a trapped animal or a Japanese game show contestant. It makes us equally disoriented as to where the dinosaur is (like the character would be). It’s also exactly how Spielberg shot the T-rex escape scene in the original. That entire sequence was mainly seen from inside the cars. And while they try to do the same thing, Jurassic World stupidly cuts to a wide shot, revealing the dinosaur’s location and breaking that tension.
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This single shot ruins the moment. And watch what happens when I remove it:
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Obviously the timing is off because I removed a shot, but staying under the car considerably improves the fear factor of that scene. Could they not take a cue from the classic film they were referencing? I get that Spielberg is, like … the best living director, but these little tweaks don’t require the brain of Orson Welles. You don’t have to be Movie-Sherlock to deduce how tense the car scene in Jurassic Park is, and how grandstandingly clown shit this looks in comparison:
Universal Pictures“GGGGOOOOOOAAALLLLLLLLLL!”
I’m legitimately alarmed that anyone watched three turd-colored cartoon dinosaurs Pele a giant hamster ball and thought, “Yeah, this is what I wanted Jurassic World to be.” But even if you did enjoy this scene, there’s still something not quite right about it. For such a hilariously violent moment, I don’t feel like the kids are in an ounce of danger. And that’s probably because they don’t really show them much, instead cutting to wider shots to boast the batshit action. Much like Pratt under the truck, I would have rather experienced this from the disoriented POV of the characters inside the ball, feeling every slam and spin. But these terrified kids barely look jostled or injured after flying through a forest … even when this happens:
Universal PicturesNote: That kid’s terrible hair is not CGI. It’s naturally that annoying.
I’ve seen enough Russian dashcam videos to know that when a vehicle goes really fast and then suddenly stops, the things inside of it tend to react. These kids get slammed violently into the ground and don’t even seem to notice. The one on the right just keeps screaming, while the one on the left doesn’t even stop fiddling with the seat while being piledrived into shattering glass. Not even their heads or arms seem affected by the physics of the impact. It’s almost as if … and hear me out … they filmed this against some kind of green screen, forgot to tell the actors how to react, and then clumsily stuck the footage together in post. And so while the environment and dinosaurs look photoreal, the scene plays out like a shitty cartoon. This is below farm league. Hell, it’s below every agricultural coalition of sports players you can imagine.
And the failure of bare bones filmmaking ranges everywhere from making a scene exciting to simply trying to make it effective. If several people are eagerly looking into the cage of a fierce goat-destroyer, and that creature isn’t showing up, you should show a shot of the empty cage, right? Like this:
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Universal Pictures
This scene goes silently back and forth between the looks of anticipation and the creepily deserted cage, the camera never crossing over the fence so as to give the T-rex paddock a feeling of danger. Again, that’s basic day one filmmaking. Shot, reverse shot.
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And Jurassic World couldn’t even manage that.
No shitting, this sequence in which Pratt and Howard look into the Indominus cage and realize it’s empty never cuts to a shot looking into the empty cage. They tap on the glass and exclaim that it’s missing, but we the audience are never shown that. We’re not experiencing the tension through their eyes, and in fact become totally removed when the film pulls out to a wide shot from inside the barrier.
Universal PicturesYou know, that thing that Spielberg knew not to do.
I know that sounds like a really minor issue, but it’s the root of the problem with the film’s visuals: At no point does the camera know who the main characters are, or how to show us what they are feeling. There’s no perspective. I could spend pages pointing out each shitty little problem, but I want to focus on the ones that clearly undermine the emotional impact of the dinosaurs, which are often shot in the least awe-inspiring ways possible.
Take the first mosasaurus scene. It shouldn’t be hard to film a 55-foot aquatic swallow-beast performing Shamu tricks, right? The point of the moment is how excited our characters are to see this massive creature burst from the water. So it would make sense to film its entrance from an angle that shows off its size — preferably through the eyes of the audience.
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Nope. Jurassic World decided to shoot it from the dead shark’s perspective, which happens to be the only angle that makes the mosasaurus look small. Sure, it’s a neat-looking shot, but not the most impactful in terms of believability or scale. Like the cinematography equivalent of shutter shades, this film has a terrible habit of trading effective framing for looking “cool.” The camera has no discernible limitations to where it might suddenly be, forcing us to constantly remember that what we’re seeing is fake.
Remember the ending grapple between the Indominus Rex and Tyrannosaurus? No doubt you were reminded of the much less complicated battle at the end of Jurassic Park.
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Notice how the camera stays at human eye-level and starts from behind the shoulders of the fleeing characters? That’s because we’re watching this through their pants-shitting POV. It’s a rather simple camera move, which is why it feels like a real thing that’s happening.
Now let’s look at the moment of battle from Jurassic World:
Universal Pictures
Whose eyes are we watching this with? Is someone flying a drone around the dinosaurs as they fight? Are we in the Matrix? That would certainly explain why, when the dinosaur’s tail violently swings over our actress, she doesn’t even flinch. This movie made a billion dollars.
See — this sequence certainly looks neat, but it totally fails to portray any emotional weight or even a human perspective. Instead of filming this like a real thing happening to real people, the filmmakers wanted to show off how cool their CGI dinosaurs looked from every angle, swinging the camera high in the air like they were tiny children toys. Only no one is scared of tiny children’s toys, you assholes.
Look, I know I said this was gonna be calm, but the mediocrity feeds my rage-blood like sweet gamma rays. They miss every obvious opportunity to scare us. One of the first things established about the Indominus Rex is that it can camouflage, and they use this exactly once. Remember how the shark in Jaws was scary because you couldn’t see it for most of the film? Well, Mr. Moviepants, you have a movie monster that literally turns invisible, and you never use that to conceal it from the audience? You opt to spoil any mystery 30 minutes in? You pricks. You dirty Moviepants pricks. But imagine how much freakier that Chris Pratt truck scene would have been with a giant goddamn predatorsaur. Why can’t I see your fucking predatorsaur, Jurassic World?
I need a moment. This was supposed to be like 600 words long, and I feel like I may have overextended that. Let’s all walk away and come back in 15. OK? OK.
So here’s a scene in Jurassic World that I actually liked. Remember when they stick cameras on all the raptors?
Universal Pictures“If we survive this, I can’t wait to show you my Raptors Gone Wild DVD idea.”
That was a neat scene! One of the few times the movie made me feel tension was when we realize the Indominus Rex is part raptor and it becomes their alpha, turning them on their human handlers.
Universal Pictures“Their dicks. Bite off their dicks first.”
This shot of them all slowly turning around was chilling. I was certain the very next thing we were gonna see was a slaughter, ironically shown from the perspective of those cameras they attached to the raptor’s heads. Wonderf-
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–uck. Instead of paying off the cameras, the film suddenly switches tones into action mode, breaking all the tension it earned a second ago. And while we eventually do see a few cutaway shots from the raptor-cams, that should have been exclusively what we saw. This entire scene should have taken place in the control room, playing out on a sea of horrified faces. But again, this movie has no idea what perspective to show us, opting to fly in every possible direction like a drunk goose. What a piece of shit, that goose.
But that’s not the only issue. While the score often invokes John Williams, the movie’s visuals and writing have no idea what to do with that. Remember the helicopter landing scene in Jurassic Park, and that infamous Williams score? Of course you do. You’re getting aroused even thinking about it.
Universal Pictures“Buh bah, buh BAH, bah nuh nah, nuh nah, nuh naaah!”
That was the “call to adventure” moment for the heroes, the journey into Act Two as a group of excited strangers arrive at the island for the first time. This music is also used in a helicopter scene Jurassic World, the one tiny difference being that it’s insanely inappropriate for what’s happening …
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The characters are in a helicopter, sure. And that helicopter is flying shakily like in the original, yes. And they even fly by the same waterfall from the original scene this song played during …
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But these characters aren’t on their “call to adventure.” They’re three business associates going on a casual ride to review a new attraction. The point of the scene is that they are ridiculously blase about their dinosaur jobs.
So why is this exciting music playing? Why are they showing us the waterfall? Are they being ironic? Are you trying to be fucking ironic, Jurassic World? A better guess is that they needed to shove those elements in there to spark our nostalgia, the result being the equivalent of playing the Jaws theme over a guy eating toast.
And this sums up the film for me: nostalgic callbacks lacking any understanding of what they are referencing. The result is a “pretty fun” film we hurled money-bergs at because it triggered our childhood memories. I mean, try to watch this moment from the original film without getting wistful for the days of light-up sneakers …
Universal Pictures“Bah nah nah … nah bah! Bah nah nah … nah nah!”
It’s so awe-inspiring and emotional. Alan Grant spent his entire khaki-smothered life studying dinosaurs, and he just turned to see a fucking gaggle of them for the first time. The classic theme swells as the camera pushes in on his face before cutting to a wide shot from the group’s perspective, then back to everyone’s reaction. The scene continues to cut from amazed face to amazed face as John Williams musically fucks all our mothers. Because this moment, and the iconic theme song, is not about the dinosaurs. It’s about the characters’ emotional reaction to them. That’s why when the film eventually closes on Grant smiling out at the dinosaur-like birds, the theme returns once again. Because even though his weekend on dinosaur island killed a lot of people, it didn’t kill his giddy passion for digging up their monster bones. Good for him!
Jurassic World also uses the theme in a similar moment. Our lead child has been established as a dinosaur geek who’s overjoyed about visiting the park. We follow him as he excitedly bursts into his hotel room, runs to the balcony, and (as the classic theme swells) opens it to see the park for the first time …
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… and the camera blows right past him, never thinking to show us his face or even stay in the same proximity. Instead of cutting back to the amazed look in his eyes or establishing any kind of emotional connection with our protagonist, the filmmakers get distracted by zooming in on the visitor’s center … for some reason. Why the hell are they showing us this? What narrative purpose does this CGI pyramid butt plug serve? The kid burst through a window to the Jurassic Park theme, and the next thing you show isn’t a goddamn dinosaur? This isn’t called Visitor’s Center World, you movie-ruining goblins. And this movie made 1.6 billion dollars.
David hated Jurassic World, and so can you! Just talk to him on Twitter to find out how!
These Wearable Velociraptor Claws were one of the exceptionally cool things to come from Jurassic World, but- oh, and the Chomping Velociraptor Head! OK, but otherwise, David makes some solid points.
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For more, check out 4 Signs ‘Jurassic World’ Is Supposed to Be a Comedy and 6 Reasons ‘Jurassic World’ Brutally Killed Its Biggest Hero.
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Nightmarish villains with superhuman enhancements. An all-seeing social network that tracks your every move. A young woman from the trailer park and her very smelly cat. Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, a new novel about futuristic shit, by David Wong.
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