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mildly-inconvenienced-bat · 1 month

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Sometimes I think about my sexuality and the things that makes me uncomfortable, especially being raised catholic

I'm a cis, demisexual, woman.

Going to a bar and hooking up with a stranger isn't something I'd do. But I'm a cis woman raised in a catholic home, so I'm following God's will.

Up until I was 16, I was adamant I'd only have sex after I got married, "losing my virginity" with someone i didn't trust enough to marry didn't make sense to me. But again, I'm a cis woman raised in a catholic home, I'm simply following God's will.

As my faith wavered, I tried to experiment a little bit. Maybe all of this came from my religious upbringing? I barely had flings (like, 2?) during high school, and when I started dating, it took me almost a year to decide to have sex for the first time. It wasn't bad, but having him cheat on me and break up 2 weeks later didn't help. I felt like I should try again, no string attached this time.

I got on tinder and started talking to strangers. Some were very attractive, but tried to get into sexting way to fast and that irked me out. Others took things slowly so we could get to know each other before stepping up to sexting, and it was fun, but as soon as they wanted to meet up for the real thing, I got completely turned off. Yeah, we had fun, but I don't know you enough for that, I don't feel attracted enough.

My best friend set me up with another friend of hers that she thought would suit me, and we did have a lot in common, but when we met at a party and he tried to get us more privacy so we could make out, I swear I didn't feel anything. He was attractive for me, we did hit it off pretty fast, but not enought for that.

It took me a little bit more of trial and error to come to the conclusion I wasn't as allo as other people I knew, and an ace friend to come into my life and help me realize that yeah, I do like the idea of sex, and I do enjoy it on specific circumstances, but no, I'm not easily interested in it. Yes, I do experience sexual attraction, but only for people I trust enough (and parasocial relationships, where I get the false sense of knowing someone).

Church made me feel like I was exactly how God intended me to be, and I know I'm privileged enought to grow up identifying as something "acceptable". But leaving church and finding out I was seen as "prude" for being the way I was, made me feel like there was something I was missing out. Like the only reason I was like this was because I was conditioned to be this way. To the point of having friends try to fix me, because all I needed was to "loosen up"

My point is that sexuality feels like a lose-lose situation; if you have little to non interest, you're "broken", if you have circumstantial interest you're either a prude or a stuck up bitch; if you have higher interest, you still have the chance of being called a slut/fuckboy and seen as unsuitable in the long-term.

Why do we care so much about other people's privacy anyways? What does it change in my life knowing someone else's genitals and sexual life? Like, some people need to get a life, find a hobby, touch some grass and stop sticking their opinions where it doesn't concern them.

#ok to reblog #demisexual #sexuality #acespec #lgbtqiia+#queer community #lgbtq community #i really hope that sharing my experience doesn't go out on a tangent and offend people #again #I'm just sharing some thoughts #does it count as religious trauma if i still feel guilty for trying to dip into my sexuality?#but yeah

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