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#i probably didn't but i tried my best
agentark · 1 year
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whatever you do, don't imagine a young J Corvin waiting every day at the end of their drive, hoping today is the day the mail carrier finally brings a letter from their very best friend
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sisterdivinium · 1 year
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If we are to take a deep dive, it is best to assure the place we're leaping from is stable, so let's do that by starting with the obvious.
The subject in both of these sentences is the same: the Halo. Both of these characters have borne it. Both sentences present the same grammatical structure and answer directly to one another despite the distance in time and space between one and the other's utterances. To Ava, the receiver of these conflicting messages, both claims prove themselves to be ultimately true, for the Halo acts as a gift, in granting her a second chance at a life she never had, and also as a burden, as it imposes on her responsibilities and demands of her sacrifices she would otherwise have never known.
But the show itself openly invites us to dig deeper, so we should not be contented with the obvious alone.
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If there is always more, then we must peel back the surface and peek at what is underneath if we are to grasp at least a fraction of the functioning of Warrior Nun in different levels—be it in small scale, pertaining to the characters themselves, or be it in large scale, including how all of it relates to us as viewers in the end.
These two moments of season one are but a fragment of the show’s comprehensive universe, but we will examine them closely to see just how much meaning we can find in them, deceptively simple as they seem.
As mentioned above, the grammatical structure of both sentences is shared between them: “the [subject] is a [noun]”. This could lead to some sort of direct description we associate with the act of definition, of explaining what something is, as in “the pope is a man” or, to use the same reference as Mother Superion and Shannon do, “the Halo is an object”. In fact, had this been the case, we would have been closer to Ava’s own conclusion of the Halo being “a hunk of magic metal embedded in [her] back”, as this is a characteristic anyone could ascribe to it upon examination.
Yet the words used by both former warrior nuns are “gift” and “burden”. If they describe the Halo, then it is not in terms derived from objectively observable traits it possesses (such as it being made of metal), but in a wholly subjective manner. When Mother Superion and Shannon say the Halo is this or that, both imply that it is this or that as relates to themselves. In relaying what the Halo supposedly “is” to Ava, they pre-interpret it for her, infusing it with their own points of view—their beliefs. What they say of the Halo is much more a reflection of who they are than anything the Halo in itself could be.
A) The gift
A gift is, as we know, a present. It presupposes a giver and a receiver, as well as some degree of gratitude on the part of the latter, even if justified by politeness alone.
Mother Superion, embodying the authority of the Catholic church, framed by candles and an altar behind her while making use of short, straightforward affirmations, does not need to clearly state who occupies these positions: we can safely infer that the giver here is God and the beneficiary of this divine benevolence is Ava. A definiteness is patent in the sentences that follow—here is the power of the institution at work, for if Mother Superion starts out by “defining” the Halo, now she defines Ava through it. An inversion takes place, as the woman allows the object to define the woman (as “God’s champion” who “fights in His name”) rather than the other way around. The church, the Halo construct Ava as a subject, subjecting her to certain ideas of what she should be. She is the warrior nun despite having no say in it, not being a warrior and much less a nun.
At first sight, it wouldn’t make sense to interact with Ava in these terms, especially if, by this scene, Mother Superion has already read her file. It wouldn’t be difficult to deduce how expressions crafted with religious colours might impact an audience that does not show any religious proclivities. Furthermore, the tradition of rhetoric has always taught that speakers ought to adapt to their listeners if they wish to get their point across, so either Mother Superion is incompetent at communication, lacking sensibility and skills, or she is making a calculated move—one that is fully supported by her hierarchical position. After all, superiors seldom need to rationally convince their subordinates of doing something given how the latter are compelled instead by power dynamics to get in line—or else.
The strategy doesn’t really work on Ava.
In semiotic terms, we could even argue that there is something confusing happening in this scene—a narrative phase of manipulation (wherein someone tries to get someone else to accept and do something), we could say that it contains hints of both seduction (a positive commentary on the interlocutor—it’s not just about anyone who can be god’s champion, so this is a positive distinction) and intimidation (the threat of negative consequences if the interlocutor doesn’t comply—there is an implied order in the sequence, meaning Ava cannot refuse to be “God’s champion”). Ava might not share in this world-view, but it is what the church and its followers propose: a gift from God is a positive value. Being chosen by God to do something, even fighting and possibly dying in the process, is a positive value. Lilith is standing right there beside them and, at this point, she would surely agree and see nothing of this exchange in a negative light.
Yet Ava isn’t a nun and indeed she does not perceive any of these “honours” as being desirable. Mother Superion’s stance, the image she presents of herself as a strict nun herself when Ava has been mistreated by them all her life, equally gives her no reason to be persuaded, much on the contrary.
The manipulation fails. Ava is told God gave her the gift of life… And that now she is to endanger and potentially lose that very same life as some sort of gesture of gratitude. The logic is unimpressive at best and frankly absurd at worst.
Within the framework of the church, however, it makes perfect sense. Misattributed and misconstrued as it might be, the motto of credo quia absurdum is still pertinent: “I believe because it is absurd”. That a god should grant life only to claim it back through violence is perfectly acceptable if one believes in this god’s unquestionable authority rather than seeing this demand as something ridiculous or cruel.
The very concepts of God, service, battle, duty, blessings only make sense to the faithful, something Ava isn’t. She’s just a puny little individual resisting the pressures brought upon her by a powerful institution.
She and Mother Superion are only speaking over one another, not really having a conversation; Ava doesn’t care to listen to what the church has to say, she doesn’t take it seriously, and the church likewise does not take her individuality, her person into consideration.
However, we would do well to remember that Mother Superion is not simply a mouthpiece for the church—she is also Suzanne, lowly little individual with lowly individual desires and resentment just as Ava.
And, regardless of the effacement of self that monastic as well as military institutions enforce on their members, just as Ava’s subjectivity isn’t neatly negated by direct statements in line with reigning dogma, Suzanne’s own subjectivity also seeps through her words and attitudes. If not blatantly, at the very least there is a remarkable struggle taking place within her, suggested by her use of language as well as her demeanour.
The Halo, after all, defines her as well.
If bearing it is the greatest honour, a mark of God’s favour, if it defines a person, then losing it has an equal power of definition. The distinction it confers on someone is inescapable, for good or ill, and either one dies gloriously as “God’s champion” or one survives it, survives its removal, and is deemed rejected and unworthy by this so magnanimous God. The Halo soaks up all of the positive value ascribed to it—meaning those who lack it adopt a negative one in contrast, be it Suzanne who had it and lost it or even Lilith, who should’ve had it and didn’t.
Still it is considered “a gift”, something given by God… One could say it is a form of grace.
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Suzanne’s noun and Vincent’s verb have the same origin, of course, the same stem. Despite the argument between them in this other scene, ultimately there is agreement between the two of them judging by their choice of vocabulary and Mother Superion’s reaction immediately afterwards. If this were not true in some degree, there would have been little need for Mother Superion to correct Ava in the first place, for Ava calls the Halo “a hunk of magic metal”, yes, but she also refers to it as “top prize”, as a reward—which, unlike “gifts”, are meant to be earned, to use Vincent’s comparison. There is a mixture of concepts here.
Without wanting to overcomplicate this text, let us say that ideology is a certain way of understanding the world and that it constructs and is constructed by our discourse, our use of language. One of the functions of ideology is that of attempting to smother contradiction, to smoothen the world’s complexities, simplify them, rationalise them away, however incapable it truly is at accomplishing that given how reality is too complex to be so tamed. Here, then, we see a notable sort of contradiction in Mother Superion’s discourse (in her ideology) that isn’t easily solved: a detail, a problem left out from the thought system. She agrees that grace, in the form of the Halo or not, is given, yet she treats it as if it were earned. This is a crack in the wall; it’s an idiosyncrasy, proof of a subject torn between the different voices that compose her subjectivity, the fragments, the different discourses that, put together, make her up as a whole.
What could be more contradictory than calling something which has scarred her physically, mentally and emotionally a “gift”?
If we create and are created in turn by means of discourse (“you are God’s champion”), if we can only understand and interact with the world when it is mediated by discourses and their correlated ideologies, what would it have meant if Suzanne had assigned another value to the Halo?
The inversion of values would certainly have ejected her from the church. If the Halo, to her, gained negative value, thus allowing her to retain some amount of positive value, her participation in the institution would be impracticable. She would be at odds with the dominant ideology, its structures, its rules… And she would face the resistance Ava faced by assuming such antagonism.
And sure, she might have regained some sort of “freedom”, but what would she have then lost? Resentment or not, there appears to be one central, recurrent positive value, one central desire to most characters in Warrior Nun and it would not be far-fetched to assume Suzanne shares in it herself and is unwilling to part with it.
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B) The burden
Needless to say that if there is a generous deal of “burden” to Suzanne’s “gift”, there is also some “gift” in Shannon’s “burden”, judging by her mentioning the family she gained through bearing the Halo. Curiously enough, the dynamic of receiving something and paying for it with that very “gift”—Shannon getting a family and losing it by the very same means—is identical to the dynamics involved in getting Ava to accept her fate as warrior nun, by “paying” for the “gift” of life by risking that very same life in battle.
Shannon has received the “gift”—and fulfilled her role to perfection, allowed to thank God for it personally… If the Halo was taken from Suzanne, Shannon is the one “taken” because of it, alongside other ex-bearers.
Here there are no euphemisms. Shannon has lived the consequences of being “God’s champion” until the very end, so she has no need for distorted truths meant to keep things in order, to avoid questioning the principle of order itself which is the institutional view. There is still a struggle (there is always a struggle) as she admits to finding something positive (a family) through her loyalty to the cause even if the cause is what kills her and other women like her. The contrast between Mother Superion’s speech focused on individual responsibility and Shannon’s avowal of how it is “too great for one person to bear” tells us more than enough about how they each envision individuality, community, the possibility of action, who can make it come about—how life and death, different paths, different destinies, inform perception of the same thing.
Their values are inverted.
Mother Superion’s “gift” is Shannon’s “burden”; Mother Superion’s tendency, while alive, to value death (“You fight in His name”) is countered by a dead Shannon’s valorisation of life (“So much promise unfulfilled. So much life unlived. And for what?”) The scenes are in direct opposition to one another, they respond to one another as mirrored images.
So much so that the reply is not merely linguistic, hidden away in dialogue, but quite evidently displayed in visual terms as well. A mirror offers us reflections that are inverted—left in place of right, right as left—and so are these scenes inverted in relation to one another: in the moment of saying the sentences we’re concerned with, Mother Superion and Shannon stand in much the same place. If we do not notice, it is because the camera pans around in different angles—with the former, we watch the scene from a point at Ava's left, while the latter is shown from an angle at her right. We are literally treated to reflected images, seen from opposite points of view.
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Colour, too, guides our reading of both scenes set side by side. With Mother Superion, we are in the realm of the church and its associated earthly tones as established throughout the first season, whereas Ava’s vision of Shannon paints the dream church in a shade of blue. Blue is, of course, the hue which had been mostly tied to Jillian Salvius, to ArqTech, to science. With science comes the concept of reason, as opposed to the sepia haze of faith.
Mary is also drawn against a backdrop of bright blue sky when she is investigating the docks and relying on her reason rather than her faith concerning Shannon’s death.
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Shannon’s opinion on the Halo might be just as subjective as Mother Superion’s before her, but it is filtered through personal experience and observation, through reason rather than blind belief in a mission.
Yet we are forgetting something. Ava, having died already, claims there is nothing on the other side. If that is so, why is she meeting Shannon now? And why is this meeting taking place in circumstances that reflect previous events in an inverted manner?
As dreams often reuse what we have lived when awake, re-rendering our memories, transforming them, so it is possible that Ava is not having a vision but a dream—that she is talking not to Shannon, but to some facet of herself, Ava, manifesting as Shannon after connecting with her memory through the warrior nun book.
As Ava clings to it and the knowledge it affords her, it would make sense for her conscience to finally figure out a proper retort to what she heard of Mother Superion in that earlier moment, a retort fuelled by new information and by her own reasoning. At the very least, it would be more plausible to consider this hypothesis than to assume her vision of Shannon is a real communication with her spirit granted by the Halo, for, if we are witnessing a new phase of manipulation, then the message being transmitted this time concerns the Halo’s “lifecycle” itself—and how it must be brought to an end. If it is sentient as some characters believe, why would it let Ava meet Shannon and be exposed to the idea of working against the Halo’s own interests of perpetuation?
After all, the implications behind Shannon’s words are evident: again, if the Halo also defines the woman, then it defines sister Shannon, sister Melanie and all other warrior nuns going back to Areala with one word which will soon apply to Ava and whomever follows: that word is dead, crushed under the burden.
And this time, the message, a sort of compassionate provocation (“a burden too great to bear”—even for you), hits its mark, inspiring Ava to end the tradition and be the last warrior nun.
We are not in the semantic field of religion, even if it is there, in the background, being answered to; here we are not speaking of God or battles fought for this distant general in the sky, but of family, of women slaughtered in the name of a mission. This is no longer some ethereal question but an immediate concern. Whether this is Shannon or Ava herself subconsciously masquerading as Shannon to facilitate her own “awakening”, the point gets across now that it is transmitted in language that makes sense to Ava, now that there are common values between speaker and listener.
One could even hypothesise that, at this point, Shannon being a former warrior nun lends credibility to her words in Ava’s mind as she is a woman experienced in this role Ava is supposed to play.
If so, we can also understand the bridge of empathy that is built between Ava and Mother Superion later on when it is revealed that Suzanne, too, was a halo bearer and that she, too, has carried this “burden”. Both forge new understandings of one another through this common background and a personal exchange that is nothing like their first encounter—when the “gift” is said to have rejected the older nun, when its “burden” is divulged to Ava.
As Ava recognises Shannon, so do Ava and Mother Superion eventually recognise one another as well—so do they begin to comprehend how they did carry similar values, only obscured by their dissimilar ideologies and their resulting language use. If no other, then the value of family is what binds them together through Suzanne’s new disposition to embrace all of her sisters and Ava’s newfound conduct in considering them her sisters to begin with. They come closer in the catacombs and, at last, meet halfway by season two.
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Yet we, the viewers, as touched by this miscommunication that ends well as we may be, after all of this talk of gifts and burdens, we remain none the wiser on what the Halo actually is.
C) The energy source
As previously exposed, we are kept in the dark because most sentences that speak of this iconic object in the series are subjective, focused on the characters’ own relationship to it or their ideas about it rather than any substantial data on what it might truly be apart from a “hunk of magic metal” currently in Ava’s back.
Perhaps because we spend so much time with the nuns, satisfied as they are with the logic of plain belief instead of concerned with tangible, provable things that can or should be explained. The most we get is the information on how the Halo is some kind of weapon, an amplifier attuned to the bearer’s body and soul.
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Enter Jillian Salvius.
While her understanding of the Halo is admittedly insufficient, her research on it limited, her available vocabulary and scientific knowledge too slim (!) to encompass such an item, she does not say something like “the Halo is a mystery” or “a conundrum” as she says of Lilith later on. It would be true, just as it being a “gift” or “burden” is true considering those who called it thus, yet Jillian uses another sort of language instead.
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Being a scientist, doctor Salvius opts for what we consider to be appropriate scientific modes of speaking, that is, by creating an impression of objectivity. It is not her personal reaction or opinion of the Halo that she offers, but whatever traits she can see or learn of in that moment: an energy source, an object that defies physics, a foreign body of undefined material. Ava “translates” this as being “an alien battery”, but the fact is that we are served a definition of the Halo unlike those we had before. It isn’t much, but for once we are not given a character’s personal interpretation of it…
Or so it seems. We none of us are capable of being fully objective, for none of us can rid ourselves of our selves—Jillian posits the Halo as an energy source, which seems innocent and impartial enough, but soon afterwards we understand what that means to her.
In themselves, the words “energy source” don’t carry many other connotations. Yet, for Jillian, these words that seem so neutral and “scientific”, so clear cut, do not sustain the facade of objectivity. She has spoken of energy before, it is an active component of her research, a common word in her lexicon; to Ava, “energy source” is “a battery”, but to Kristian and Jillian, who are part of ArqTech, who know what goes on within its walls, these words automatically acquire another meaning.
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Yes, that of a battery, but one with a very specific purpose. Under the guise of neutral discourse, a very personal interpretation of the Halo, just as if it were a “gift” or “burden”, lies hidden. It is an energy source—one that doctor Salvius can potentially use to power her contraption. It is a “solution”, perhaps even a “gift”, of circumstance if not of god.
And it, too, defines Ava despite herself. When it fails, Jillian says she was wrong about Ava, not the Halo, thus conflating the two.
In the end, even she who might well be the smartest character, the one most closely connected with science and concrete knowledge, cannot guard herself from letting the unsaid (or “unsayable”) slip through her lips. She, too, in spite of her apparent objective language, exhibits a subjective kind of relationship with the world around her, influenced by the ideologies that cross her being.
D) Ending thoughts
Perhaps, when all is said and done, we are never truly able to follow that maxim we’ve seen more than once on Warrior Nun.
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Perhaps we simply cannot think or act if we do not perceive things as at least partially related to ourselves.
It is not necessarily a bad thing, though, as long as different views can coexist, as long as they do not trample one another, as long as one person or group don’t elect themselves as the owners of truth, attempting to eliminate all who do not follow them as Adriel tried to do. In a democracy, in a place and a moment in history where there is freedom of thought and creed and speech, the phenomenon of various voices competing for the spotlight, taking turns under it is normal and healthy.
Warrior Nun gives us a fascinating insight on the multiplicity of voices that compose a society, even if there are elements of it which seek to suffocate those voices. It is a microcosm where different ideologies, through language, are confronted with one another, where they struggle to make sense of things—and where each of those points of view over a given subject might carry a morsel of truth. The Halo is a piece of metal and a gift and a burden and an energy source; none of these ideas or perceptions necessarily exclude the other, none is “more correct” than the other because, if so, then the question would be: as regards which character?
To Ava, at least, it is all these things and maybe more.
There are attempts to implant a hegemonic interpretation of facts. The very story of Areala, Adriel, the Halo’s trajectory along the centuries, how this is “the way it has been for one thousand years” is a strategy to cement a singular view. The repetition, the constant reworking of tradition, telling this story over and over with each warrior nun… That is the church at play, ideology trying to fill in any gaps, keep things as they are, conserve them and the structures that organise them, guaranteeing that things have one certain sort of sense and not another, one value, one meaning.
But life is not stagnant and people are not all swallowed whole by ideology even when they subscribe to it willingly, as a member of a church would. There are always things that cannot be explained, things that are beyond the scope of ideology—contradictions, pesky little details that escape the invisible goggles with which we look at reality. The truth is that it is far more complex than we can contain it with a few buzzwords, man-made or divine. There is always another side, always a reply, a constant dialogue between our different ways of seeing, understanding, being and, therefore, speaking.
A more visible example comes from those scenes in season two where Yasmine and Adriel are both telling the exact same story, only through their own perspectives, interpreting it in their own ways.
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The show provides many opportunities to see how varied human voice can be, how the point of view of whoever is telling the story bears a mighty influence on the narrative, whether consciously or not, malicious or not. That, in turn, may inspire us to look around us, in the real world; to look at how we are representing things, others and even ourselves as well as how others represent us through the words we use.
This is not an exhaustive study, long as it is. As said before, it is but a glance at two scenes, two little lines of dialogue which are, however, intimately connected with others, with the stuff of the entire show—with the stuff of life. We could write more on how possessive pronouns and other sorts of phrases with the idea of the Halo “belonging” to someone or being “owned” by someone are used, just to remain in the area of discourse about the Halo alone.
But the present text has given all it had to give and its author does not wish to be a burden on her readers any more than she already has been.
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jewishraypalmer · 2 days
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All the Legends get together to celebrate a birthday, scale of 1-10 how much does each one enjoy it?
This is going to be hard bc I truly believe it depends on who is having the birthday 😂
Sara: 8/10 if there is alcohol involved, 10/10 if it is Ava's birthday
Ava: 7/10 if it is Sara's birthday otherwise 3/10 she is not enjoying it
Zari 1.0: 7.5/10 as long as there is good food otherwise 5/10 and she is just standing by the snacks anyway
Zari 2.0: 10/10 she is living her best life and she also probably planned it
Behrad: 9/10 he's just vibin
Astra: 2/10 she is just talking to Spooner in the back and doesn't want to interact with anyone else
Spooner: 6/10 also depends on how not lame the party is
Ray: 10/10 he is having a good time no matter what just truly so happy to be invited
Nora: 5/10 she's happy that Ray is happy but she's trying not to be awkward
Jax: 7/10 depends but probably would have a good time if there is good music (and probably alcohol)
Stein: 2/10 he's there for Jax and that's IT
Kendra: 7/10 she wants to have a good time but will she allow herself to have a good time who knows I don't
Carter: 1/10 a killjoy
Rip: 3/10 unless he's drunk doing karaoke then 9/10
Wally: 10/10 dancing and having the best time
Nate: 8/10 but he's gonna complain the entire time how he could make it a better party
Amaya: 4/10 I don't think she's having a good time but she's trying her best
Charlie: 10/10 IS the party
Mick: lmao it's either gonna be a 0/10 or a 10/10 situation and it looks exactly the same
Snart: 3/10 unless there is alcohol then like 5/10 but he's pretending it's a 0/10
Gideon: 10/10 has no idea what's going on but she's excited
Gary: 6/10 he's anxious he's nervous but he's having a good time sort of
Constantine: 0/10 unless he's smoking in the back then 2/10 but you didn't hear it from him
Gwyn: 7/10 trying not to have a panic attack but he's getting in the spirit
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touchlikethesun · 5 months
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i think it's worth interrogating why, for some, "thinness" is associated with gender affirmation and niceness. i think it's worth interrogating why, for some, being bigger is associated with agression and ugliness. i think, if your first impulse to someone suggesting a character be depicted in a larger body is, "fuck you ewww how dare you," that maybe just maybe, you might have a few biases that you need to unpack. this is not saying that artists can't draw what they like, this isn't saying people can't headcanon what they like, but i wish people would think a bit deeper about why they view thinness as so desirable, and fatness as such an affront.
#i tried to be calm in the post but imma be a bitch in the tags#your skinny femme sirius is not fucking oppressed#and the way people in this fandom talk about thinness is genuinely triggering for me and for a lot of people#one thinness is not associated with a fucking gender#people of all sizes exist across the gender spectrum#what message do you thinks it sends if being skinny is integral to your conception of gender??? genuinely what do you think?#what message do you thinks it sends when fat characters are demonised ridiculed or flat out ignored???#clearly you guys read harry potter growing up because you talk just like JKR#now i'm a bit older and i've done so much fucking work on my body image on making peace with myself on breaking out of ED and diet culture#but if i was 16 and still deep in my ED i would absorb this message like a fucking sponge#and i would probably be right there with you being revolted by fatness#don't take this as an attack take it as a chance to reflect on why you think the things you do and on the effects your words have on others#for me personally i really find super skinny super femme sirius triggering because of my history with EDs and my own gender issues#but for the most part i've made my peace with the fact that this is MY issue and so i try not to comment on it#everyone has their own experiences and i think it's good to be mindful of that#and learn when the best policy is to just disengage#i didn't comment on the post that sparked this initially because that's what i was trying to do#but i kept seeing it and i kept seeing some really awful things being said about fatness and masculinity and i just don't think that's righ#marauders#sirius black#ed mention#fatphobia#fandom culture
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mushroom-for-art · 7 months
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Hi @mewtwoevolution, hope you don't mind but I love your cats
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hydrodragons · 2 months
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sparkle making my dan heng hit almost 300k in moc of all places that's NUTS
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.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.It's time.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.
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Backstory for the:
Presents [currently unavailable]
Picture [currently unavailable]
Helian!sans and underblood belongs to @foxalone
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candlebel · 1 month
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I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.
#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you.#I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible.#I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me.#I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth.#I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely.#I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin#I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't...#I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it#or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away...#to this day...#I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again#I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that.#I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY#that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back#that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed.#“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again.#By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant.#I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did.#The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement.#Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF.#You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do.#I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha#No I do not look at your blogs.#The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one.#I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel#safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time.#I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore.#And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry...#I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too...#vent
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bumblingbabooshka · 1 year
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Do you think Tuvok and Leonard James Akaar explored each others bodies on that Neltedian Planetoid?
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713-4th-ward-g · 6 months
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#now my aunt is in remission...#a lot is happening and i feel the loneliest I've felt since high school#I've only been getting worse since my family denied what i went through and sat there and told me i wasn't probably remembering it correctly#i know what it was like growing up even if it comes back to me in spurts..#but they really have started to make me doubt myself and its the worse cause they never apologized for the neglect and abuse#and they all took their side and acted like i was mistaken and said “ i never saw it happened do it didn't happen#and now i dont even talk to the only two friends i had cause i dont feel the same#if i don't text them first they never ever message me first or even check on me#and im always the one being there for them and listening to them and im just tired lf it all#i dont want a future anymore and im slowly losing my grip ive held on do tight even at my loneliest and now i feel like im losing#i was never anyone's best friend and everyone of the people ive called friends were always closer to someone else#ive only always had myself but im losing hope for the future and i just feel so extremely empty again#i just want to end this feeling and the weed isnt working anymore and working out doesnt work... i need God ive been so far away from him..#Im just slowly losing it more and more im tired of being the friend everyone goes to for advice and laughs or enjoyment#im tired of it so much#the only time i feel joy is the bliss i feel when i sleep and even that joy is never truly felt cause i constantly fight my sleep#i only sleep when my body forced it self to cause i can't naturally just go to sleep st s set time anymore..#im so tired of being people's escape or advice person I'm probably only saying this for the overwhelming feeling#of being a colossal failure and disappointment even so i still try snd try and fail some more#why don't i quit I just dont know why its just something in me that has some glimmer of self hope ive only tried to kms once and failed#maybe ima bit glad i failed but apart of me laughs cause i even failed at kms and find it ironic cause i fail at so many things#im so incapable of salvaging some semblance of normality or consistency#Mr.inconsistent that i am and have been but i refuse to let myself end that way i have to fight for something even in this haze of mine..#i just want to be better why cant i get better and stay good.. maybe it hurts more than i let on finally speaking of what happened#and for them to deny it may have really affected me a lot snd i am just now seeing it manifest it self now ...#i just gotta live with it and just TRY to do better every single day snd in every single situation snd action i take...
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thresholdbb · 4 months
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I asked an AI about "The Premise" and it freaked out at me saying they're FRIENDS just friends G O O D F R I E N D S
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arbitrarystrawberry · 4 months
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#my brother is one of the best people ever#he's funny and creative and smart and sensitive and thoughtful and generous#and I love him so FRICKIN much#and people being mean to him makes me want to PUNCH THINGS#the frickin bus monitor for the bus he drives made him cry yesterday#she's such a MISERABLE HUSK of a woman#and I hate how she treats him#and I know he's capable of a lot more than I sometimes think#I know he's a grown adult and he can handle himself#but GAH this fricking WOMAN#he tried to do the right thing he tried to be a mature responsible person and talk to her directly but she was just MEAN#I'm just glad that he didn't get to say everything he'd been planning to (even though he was upset about that)#bc he'd been planning to tell her that he's autistic#I guess to try and help her understand where he's coming from#(also related to the fact that he drives a special needs bus and one time a few weeks ago she screamed at one of the kids)#(which obviously made my brother uncomfortable)#(but he was scared to say anything bc he said 'if she has no problem yelling at an autistic 5-year-old#she'd probably have no problem yelling at an autistic adult')#but yeah I can't see her being respectful about it if she knew he's on the spectrum#would probably try to use it against him since she's already been complaining about him to their boss#(which is why my brother finally tried talking to her yesterday)#(bc he's acting like an ADULT and trying to discuss with her directly instead of going behind her back like she's doing)#and gaaaaahhh I just HATE this for him#can't vent about this on the discord since we're both in there and I don't want him to know just how upset I am about this#I know he worries sometimes about burdening people#but he's just so GOOD and wonderful and I HATE that there are people who don't see that#I hate it I hate it I hate it#this fricking woman#personal
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Ooooh, Egg!Art when Helaena confesses to being Catia? Or does he figure it out fro her rambling?
hāedar - little sister
lēkia - older brother
"Egg?"
He smiles. "Yes, hāedar?"
Helaena holds out her hand, staring up at him with wide eyes, and he reaches back instantly; how could he not? His little sister is adorable, the most adorable across all of the realms. Aegon might still be becoming used to being the elder brother, after so many years of being the youngest brother to dozens of sisters, but he knows this is true.
Her hand is warm in his, swinging lightly at their sides. Music plays across the hall, gentle strings and swirling melodies, and if he closes his eyes he can almost remember ancient dreams-
"Wrong."
Aegon stills. "Helaena?"
His sister frowns fiercely at their hands, her brow twisted. "Should be the other way around," she mutters; at any other time, it would be incomprehensible.
Her words would be as confusing as they oft are except...
(Once, as Arthur Pendragon would find out after he has claimed a throne, he had a cousin just a handful of years older than him)
Except music plays and there is a girl's hand in his own and laughter echoes along stone and this feels as a dream.
(They had played together as babes, Bedivere had told him, his cousin leading him around by the hand. It would remind Art of some of his oldest dreams, of children's laughter and a warm hand in his and music echoing around him)
It feels as a memory.
(It would haunt him, as he stared at bones bleached white, in a place that the sea had since abandoned)
"I'm the older one, now," he says, slow and quiet, and it feels as if he is drowning. As if he stands in the darklands, once more on the precipice of destiny.
(There had been a necklace with the Pendragon crest still tangled amongst them, glinting gold amongst white)
"I know, lēkia," his sister says, her gaze turning to him and he expects it to be distant as her dreams always are. Instead, Helaena blinks clear eyes at him. Her frown deepens and she tilts her head. "Arthur?" Her tongue curls around the name in a way that is not Westerosi, nor Valyrian.
It is said with the accent of a noble of Camelot.
(she was my cousin, he'd admitted to Bedivere one late night, watching the birds. the words were quiet and heavy, disgust and distant grief and dawning guilt. and I cannot remember her name)
He swallows.
(somehow, even forgetting his parents names, their faces, their fates... it had not filled him with the grief this did)
Aegon holds his sister's hand tight and breathes in.
(her name, my king, was-)
"Catia."
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eggsnatcheskneecaps · 8 months
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#no because my parents have always been so weird to me from a medical standpoint#or abusive? neglectful. I don't know what i could possibly call this but#my Nystagmus. barely doing any research WHEN THEY ARE DOCTORS it's not like they don't know how to look stuff up#barely giving me any information on it. which crashed badly a few years ago when the dude at one of those glasses shops got scared by not#being able to give me full vision which promoted my parents into bullying me about possibly going blind and trying to twist it into being#my phone's usage fault. when low and behold! we go to an actual doctor. my vision didn't increase or decrease much and she says that#Nystagmus cannot be 20/20 THEN MY MOM STILL TRIES TO PROVE IT'S THE PHONE'S FAULT#also how they treated my Lyme Disease when i was little but I'm not. talking about that publicly.#and the fact that they were completely obsessed with the idea that I'd have a speech impediment back in the day#which was probably caused by the fact my sibling was Learns Very Early How To Talk And Does It Really Well flavour of autistic and I was#Barely Talks Very Late And Badly flavour of autistic#which meant they would force speech classes down my throat and when the teachers would go 'Nothing actually wrong with this kid' they'd#send me somewhere else#also the constant 'If you don't learn to talk correctly everybody will think you're stupid and they won't talk to you' which ok. ableist.#anyway the 'speech impediment' was your average 4 y o cannot pronounce r which i got over and they were still turning my life into hell#over it years down the line which meant i was in middle school convinced i had a speech impediment which at that point#WOULD HAVE BEEN A HEALTH ISSUE BUT WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT DO WE MOM/DAD#and i realised I don't only because my best friend went 'girl tf no you don't'#that is without to mention my father tried to ask me if i wanted surgery for my (inexistent) speech problem because he heard it fixed#someone else's kid problem#also in middle school i had some blood tests and they supposedly came back saying I'm anemic + i had strep but they didn't do anything#about that and at most blamed my anemia on my period which. i should probably get myself some bloodtests as an adult lol#then there is the one time they forced me to go to school with a mcfucking fever lol lmao#oh and also i would try to talk to them about these weird head tremors/seizures i have and they once again tried to blame it on my phone#only for my mom to see me having one recently and go 'oh yea lol i have them too it's normal' yes thank you /s#and they generally don't listen to me trying to sound the alarm about possible health issues i have unless my brother points them out...#aaaaand there is the entire shitshow they did to me when i was diagnosed with depression and put on pills#at least they are currently nicer about me saying i have autism but they didn't take me seriously at first neither...#egg.txt#vent
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cluescorner · 1 year
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I want to raise this man from the dead
Crepus Ragnvindr is lucky he’s dead because otherwise he would have to put up with the shenanigans I do with the other sus characters in the game. Like, I already bother Cyrus and Timaeus and the Fatui in Mondstadt a lot trying to figure out wtf those guys know. The last thing Mondstadt needs is another sus NPC present, ESPECIALLY given all the questions I have for him. 
Like, were you a harbinger or just a shady dude? Was it Dottore who gave you the delusion directly? Did you know that Kaeya was from Khaenri’ah and if not what did you think was going on? What was your relationship with the Knights, did you idolize them as much as your son or did you realize that they were as susceptible to corruption as anyone else as you grew old? And why did you let your son join the organization if you knew how effed up it was? ON THAT NOTE WHY TF WAS DILUC ALLOWED TO BECOME A CAPTAIN AT THE AGE OF 14?? SIR I GENERALLY THINK YOU WERE PROBABLY A DECENT DAD WHO TRIED HIS BEST BUT LIKE WTF IS UP WITH THAT DECISION SPECIFICALLY??? 
#crepus ragnvindr#caps cw#IDK#this man fascinates me and there are so many questions I have that only he can answer#BUT HE CANT ANSWER THEM BECAUSE HES DEAD AF#also apparently people are like divided on Crepus#it's either like 'oh he was a perfect father and that's why Diluc likes him' or 'he was the worst ever'#but like I think it's more likely that it's somewhere in the middle#like he's not perfect or even great imo#but he tried his best for his sons and probably genuinely loved them both#I think that he would have supported Diluc even if he didn't choose to become a knight and that he didn't DIRECTLY pressure Diluc into it#it was probably more like a 'hey wow I really wanted to be xyz when I was your age and I'm going to talk about all the good aspects of it'#kinda like how most parents do when they like their career and when you're a kid you  think your parents are right about everything#and you're like OH WOW MY DAD WANTED TO BE A BASKETBALL PLAYER AND HE THINKS ITS A GOOD IDEA SO I SHOULD BE ONE#when in reality they want you to go about your life in your own way but they still influence you#I would be lying if I said that my decision to go to college/do certain things with my life wasn't influenced by my parents#but it was still my choice to make#OR AT LEAST THAT'S PROBABLY THE WAY I WOULD THINK IF DILUC WASN'T FUCKING 14 WHEN HE BECAME A CAPTAIN#SERIOUSLY I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS#WHY WAS THIS BABY WHO IS YOUNGER THAN MY BROTHERS ALLOWED TO BE A CAPTAIN#WHO APPROVED THIS#Mondstadt is a fascinating place#Literally just say 'hey Diluc was the captain when he was 17' and I'd be like 'ok he was a bit of a prodigy'#'but I'm not concerned or anything' NO HE WAS 14 YEARS OLD THAT IS TOO YOUNG TO BE A CAPTAIN OF ANYTHING#LET ALONE THE POLICE/ARMY/GOVERNING BODY OF AN ENTIRE NATION#So yeah#I 100% get why people don't like Crepus for that ALONE#and also like no this guy was clearly not a saint#you don't wind up with an early delusion that was probably even RARER to receive than it is now#unless you were into some shady shit
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im honestly the most contradictory person ever bc i overthink literally everything and come to a million different conclusions that are equally valid and true to me and like it's just how i am i can't change this
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