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#i miss coming up with dumb tma drawings
dudeiwannasleep · 2 years
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jon walked so the slug could run
[image id: a an open grave in the middle of a foggy graveyard. reaching up from a dense fog from the depths of the grave are two hands. in the upper right corner, there is a rectangle with a red banner that reads “live archivist reaction.” below the banner in the rectanglular window is a figure in the shape of a black silhouette with glowing green eyes of multiple shapes and sizes. /end id]
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luftballons99 · 3 years
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Hi can I ask u something really dumb? I stopped drawing because I hated very much my art but now I miss so much not to draw ...but I also have the biggest issue with the procrastination, i never start and I end up postponing for..."another day" that never comes, I love seeing your drawings on my dash so I was wondering if you have any tricks to convince yourself to draw
this isn't dumb at all. in fact, i know exactly how you feel. i have pretty bad executive dysfunction, so most days lately i can hardly get out of bed, let alone sit down and make art. until yesterday i don't think i'd really drawn in weeks.
i think it helps to start small. just a quick doodle is already a great start. i started doodling a bunch of little gnomes yesterday to get back into the swing of things and it really helped!
another thing that helps is to find something youre passionate about that makes you Want to draw. for me, it's been this silly tma/star trek crossover, but anything thats fun will do.
i wish i could give more/better advice, but i can tell you i understand how you feel. i hope things get easier soon.
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moth-song-archives · 3 years
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The Insatiable Flow of Time (1/8)
I remembered that I can make posts here too huh! Anyways, I wrote a post-MAG200 fic <3
I’ll reblog it again with the link to ao3 if you’d prefer reading it there :D
Rating: Teens and Up Archive Warnings: Choose Not To Use Categories: F/F Relationships: Georgie/Melanie, Georgie & Jon, Jonmartin (mentioned) Characters: Georgie Barker, Melanie King, Jonathan Sims, the Admiral, Basira Hussain (mentioned), Rosie Zampano (mentioned), Martin Blackwood (mentioned)
Additional tags: Diary/Journal × post mag200 × Post-Canon × Canon Compliant × Rated for swearing and me doing my best to write a fitting epilogue for my most fave story of all time × Bittersweet × Hurt/Comfort × Grief/Mourning × Gentle-Sad-Soft × Fluff × Non-Sexual Intimacy × Tenderness × Generally Hopeful Ending × Ambiguous/Open Ending × Catharsis × You know how TMA is a tragedy? ... yeah × Hope Punk × dealing with the fallout of surviving a literal apocalypse × Moving on and letting go × Trans Georgie Barker × Nonbinary Melanie King × Melanie uses any pronouns but needs to (re)discover this first × and is then mainly referred to with they/them pronouns for diary-simplicity × Melanie is ace in my heart ♡ × Jon is also enby but it only gets referred to in passing × Georgie has a Type™ × Character Study × i love them all so much × Nonbinary aspec author × it's very hope punk and somft BUT ALSO VERY SAD × in like a cathartic way × because i like causing pain :') × pre-written and updates every 2-3 days
I think I might use it to… rediscover myself. That’s what I liked about journaling in the first place, I think. Getting to think about things outside of my own head, putting it out there so I could move on? Maybe it’s time to return to old coping mechanisms and try again. Even if I haven’t really changed. Even if I should’ve changed. Right?
As the world tries to piece itself back together, Georgie grapples with her past, her present, and her future by keeping a diary. She also keeps having this strange, recurring dream that involves Jon. Post MAG200.
Finished at ~12k, will upload over the next couple of days <3
Day 3 - Evening
Melanie is sleeping. Basira is also sleeping, on the sofa in the living-room. She doesn’t really know what to do with herself, these days, so for now she’s staying with us.
I am not sleeping. I’m so far beyond tired that I can’t sleep anymore. It’s been... how long? More than a day, certainly. I’m at the kitchen table and the night outside is darker than any I’ve ever seen. There are no street lights and a million more stars than I could’ve ever imagined. I wish Melanie could see them too :(
Back before everything in my life went wrong, I used to be really good at this. I think I got my first diary when I was... seven, maybe eight? I used to be obsessed with it. I guess I stopped writing in college, after the incident, because it felt... wrong? Like I was lying to myself, trying to fabricate emotions that just weren’t there, keeping up with things that no longer seemed important or note-worthy. Mainly, I couldn’t make myself care about anyone or anything anymore.
I think I want to find that person again, now that it’s over. Try and… move on? And Melanie encouraged me :) I guess that’s the main reason. I found this notebook in one of the domains when we were rescuing people. I don’t know what I originally wanted to do with it, but I did end up forgetting about it until I went through my bag again today. It smells like fire and is a bit singed in places, but I kind of like that? I think I might use it to… rediscover myself. ...that sounds very pretentious, but this is just for me, so...
And I like that it’s just cheap paper scribbled on with a shitty biro. Maybe I’ll just burn it when all the thoughts are on the paper instead of in my head. When I can sleep again. And the prize for the most dramatic way of closure goes to Georgie Barker! But yeah. That’s what I liked about journaling in the first place, I think. Getting to think about things outside of my own head, putting it out there so I could move on? Maybe it’s time to return to old coping mechanisms and try again. Even if I haven’t really changed. Even if I should’ve changed. Right?
But I don’t feel any different. Shouldn’t I feel different, now that they’re gone? The entities, I mean, though Jon and Martin seem to be gone, too.
I keep remembering Martin’s expression when he told us to go early, how upset he was.
Honestly, I can’t say I’m surprised. As long as I’ve known Jon, he’s always done what he thought best. It used to drive me up the walls, but I also admired it, I think? I never would’ve told him that, but… Well. He’s gone now.
It’s over, all of it.
And I still can’t sleep.
And Melanie is still blind, and I still feel empty, and my fear still hasn’t come back. Everyone who died is still dead, and the trauma is still there. There were angry mobs in the streets, and people got killed.
I can’t quite believe that Jon and Martin went with them. I can’t believe they left us behind to explain the entire mess.
 We’re back in our old flat. It’s so weird to be back home. Everything looks the same, as though no time passed at all. Nobody knows what date it is. How long were we caught in there?
Outside, it feels like spring. There are birds everywhere, singing their hearts out. Sounds like more birds than there used to be, too. The trees are leafless and dead-looking, but Basira pointed out that they’re getting there... and it feels like spring.
I haven’t slept properly in 3 days because the questions keep me awake. It’s not that I’m worrying, really, just… thinking? I think I could sleep better if the worry had come back, but it hasn’t.
As far as we can tell, all modern devices are broken, too. Computers and phones and such, digital cameras, generators... we don’t even know what the rest of the world looks like. I hadn’t realised how much gets controlled by computers these days, we don’t even have central heating or water access in our flat. Rumours and news are spreading person-to-person, like in the Olden Days. We only have emergency systems that were installed in case of nation-wide blackout. I guess I’m glad we don’t actually have a blackout, we just need to get the computers back to work. (If I understood it correctly.)
Melanie thinks it’ll all come back to life in a few more days. I certainly hope so. I also hope I’ll stop feeling like this. Or rather, not feeling like anything. It’s so strange. Like in the first days after the incident, when I just felt numb?
They’re gone! I want to feel like a person again! What if I never get myself back?
 They’re actually gone.
 What will we do with our lives now? Basira isn’t the only one who feels uprooted. I think the whole world feels like that right now.
I hope my computer comes back soon. I miss music, and making things. My photos, all those memories.
I don’t want to lose all of that. I want to start fresh, but not without records of the past.
…I’ve had a lot of time to think about that, specifically. Records, and futures.
What the Ghost is done, right? There’s no fun in creepy ghost stories if you’ve been through an actual, living nightmare.
I think I want to start new with that, too. When everything works again, that is.
New world, new future, new podcast. I like that. I think. Make a record of what happened through eyewitness accounts? Or is that too similar to the Statements… then again, it’ll be more like interviews. And I think we shouldn’t forget.
We owe them that much.
I’ll have to talk it over with Melanie tomorrow. Maybe.
We’ll see.
God, I think maybe… maybe I can actually try and sleep tonight. Writing does seem to help.
 Note to self: thank Laverne for suggesting it. (Also for being there for Melanie. And listening to us. And stopping with that culty nonsense. She’s the only one we found so far, but she actually listened to us. Strange to think that in this world, I have to be grateful for someone not worshipping me for some dumb reason?!)
   Day 4 - Morning
So. Three things.
1) I did manage to fall asleep after all! I’ve always been a bit of an insomniac, especially after the incident, so actually getting some proper rest felt really good.
2) I somehow woke up right as the sun went up! I think I’ve never seen a dawn this beautiful? I watched it from the bedroom window and I’ll definitely describe it to her in detail when she wakes up! The Admiral was sleeping on our pillow, right next to her head, snuggled up against the back of her neck and shoulder... it was so cute. I can’t believe my phone and camera still don’t work! Melanie has that old polaroid camera somewhere but we haven’t found it yet, and I wish my art skills were any better. I did draw a sketch of the two of them though. I’ll cherish it forever, no matter how shitty it is :’)
After everything that happened, the Admiral is still a bit weird around us. He started out really aggressive, calmed down a bit, and now… now he’s weirdly skittish? Meows a lot. Keeps walking around the flat. The only thing that even remotely returns him to how he used to be is tuna. It’s weird.
But seeing him like that, with Melanie? I love him so much.
I think he’ll be okay.
But before I forget, and why I actually got out the diary at this ungodly hour instead of trying to go back to sleep now that the sun is up…
3) I had a really nice dream. And... I don’t even know. I think I want to try and hold onto the feeling? I don’t think I’ve felt that… deeply… in a long while. Maybe the last time was before all this, when we decided to move in together. Before all of this happened.
For a moment, I felt like I was whole again :’)
It didn’t even have Melanie in it, which is very rude tbh. I think Jon was there? The Admiral, too. We were just chilling on the sofa, watching netflix I think... It felt so... mundane??? Casual, somehow??? Like it was normal to feel like that and I just... I want THAT. I want to feel like that again, instead of this weird… blank nothingness? I want that all the time, not just when I’m riding a high or feeling so terrible that it pierces through.
I don’t know if that makes sense but this is just for me anyway so I suppose it doesn’t have to.
 I think I should feel bad about Jon being gone, but I still don’t even feel relief at it being over. Just this vague numbness.
I hate it so much, except I don’t, actually, I just know that I should?
Melanie keeps saying that I need a therapist but if we’re being honest here, I guess I need one the least? The whole goddamn world needs therapy right now. Including the therapists. And I’ve been dealing with this for a long time now.
I guess I keep hoping it’ll just go away somehow.
 Anyways. Enough introspection, I’m going back to bed. I hope I don’t wake them! :)
  Day 4 - Evening
 It’s night now, the sun went down hours ago. We have a bunch of candles, but I’m trying to use them sparingly, so I just have one lit. I put a glass of water next to the candle so now the light gets magnified a bit more. It’s a weird atmosphere, but I kinda like it? Feels… cozy! :)
I’m still not over how everything looks the same, but nothing works like it did before, and there’s this… burden? This collective trauma everyone went through. It feels so surreal. So many things are still broken… it’s like we woke from a collective nightmare, but pieces of it still remain, floating around.
And we just sent it away with the tapes. I really hope those other worlds are doing better than us, but what else could we have done? I… try not to think about it. I know I should, but I still can’t really bring myself to care, or even feel overly guilty for that? …
 Melanie fell asleep with her head in my lap half an hour ago. I was reading to her. She says she loves the sound of my voice, so I’ve started doing that in the evenings. (I still love that we had separate crushes from a distance on each other for ages because of youtube and WTG. We’ve been talking about that a lot, too.)
She still has nightmares, but apparently she’s also been having good dreams, and she looks so peaceful right now. The last few days have been a lot, but in comparison to before, and even before then…
It’s over. We made it out. We get to have a future together. I still can’t quite believe it. :)
 I guess I’m writing again (despite already having done so in the morning) because it somehow helped yesterday and I’m hoping to replicate that. And I have a lot to think about. It’s been a long day.
Basira is still out there, helping out where she can. I think she feels guilty. Melanie says she doesn’t because there was no other choice, but I know her, and I know that she’s lying.
There’s always another choice. We just say that to make it easier to bear.
I hope she knows she can come talk to me when she feels ready to tackle it.
I hope I ever feel able to tackle it myself. No. I will talk to her when I’m ready.
We did talk a bit about things, of course. Melanie doesn’t really remember her dreams, most of the time, but apparently she’s been alternating between horrifying nightmares and a really nice, recurring one that sometimes happens after the nightmares. She doesn’t really remember much of it, but she mentioned it after I told her about the Jon dream. Not what it was about, just… in general.
From the way she talked about it, I think her dad might have been in it? I’m actually not sure, but the way she smiled…
She has that little smile on her lips again, even now, dreaming. The soft one she gets when she talks about good things. About him.
About me.
(I still can’t believe she chose me. How impossibly lucky? How did I ever deserve her? But then, it’s not about that, is it? She is mine, and I am hers, and… life will be good. I know it will be.)
 She’s been smiling a lot more, these past few days.
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