#i lowkey feel like i'm dissociating rn from how disconnected i feel | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

extra-anchovyz · 11 months

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thinking about how much happier i am on a mundane daily basis

i spent like most of my life (im 28 now but a good 27 years chunk is what im talking about rn) working through all the mental damage my abusive parents did to me: where i spend every waking second panicking about am i doing the Correct/Right thing, will i be punished, will i be hated for mistakes/shortcomings of being a human, etc.

it was hard to have any interests and hobbies during this time bc even trying to do indulging fun activites was plagued with the anxiety of if i'm doing the Right thing

but it got better espcially starting from when i was like 24, cause i had started to work on my mental health starting at like 20 years old ish maybe even 19 (thanks to my partner)

and i made a lot of pivotal break throughs throughout all this time. ofc understanding someething didn't negate how grueling the actual hard work was, but it was still pivotal to me nonetheless. each time it gave me more hope that i wasn't a lost cause.

i think working through the workaholism this year is what helped me to be so much happier on a daily mundane basis.

i still got so much mental health issues to work through, but i feel less panicked and rushed about it, but more like. the recovery will continue to happen, cause i intend to keep working on it. but

i understand that i can't deny and skip through this large stage of my life where I'm unlearning the destructive and painful conditioning that my parents put me through. I spent a lot of my early 20's angry and grieving how i couldn't be normal cause of parents fucking me over. and im glad i had that oppurtunity to grieve the abuse, cause i think that's an important stage. but im also glad to be at a point where i understand that

there's very little you control about your life, but control isn't what you gives you stability and happiness. and im glad for people like my partner who stuck it out with my worsts and helped me understand a different perspective.

im glad to get to a point of mental health where mistakes aren't scary and aren't reasons to hate and punish myself.

im really glad to be at a point where engaging in interests and passion and hobbies is so much more ...like..genuine, not distracted with the loud mental noises

I love having interests, opinions, passions. the stuff that really makes you feel alive and like a person.

and sometimes - i think this is probably still a lowkey case of dissociation still but- i feel sad for my younger self. that was really painful. but they didn't give up and i didn't give up and we got really lucky with the kind ppl that came into our life , and we're healing and it's wonderful

things felt so impossible and doomed when i was younger. and i can't scold my younger self for thinking that way, cause my parents enforced 18 years of horrible abuse so that was reality to me.

i feel so disconnected from my younger self tho that

i just hope that they're still in there somewhere and able to relax now, but i guess they are cause technically they are me and im doing my best to take things day by day and breathe

im so grateful to my younger self for all those leaps of faith and work they put in. changing my perspective, trying out new routines, reaching out to ppl. learn to let go of control..learn to not distrust ppl but also not blindly trust ppl. it felt so torturous, but thanks to all that effort, im here now

still wip , but im not obsessed with trying to like

struggle to the surface of the water to breathe. everyday doesnt feel suffocating cause of the racket in my head

#ugh thoughts spaghetti

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