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slaythespire · 15 days

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im sorry my tumblr followers who dont know me im mad rn, im just rambling mad under a readmore again thanksss

listen its not that i need to be dating someone im just chilling. in fact rn i would not want to date anyone.

but i HATEEEE HATE seeing people say shit like "You dont need anyone, you should learn to be happy without someone else in ur life! why do you need someone else! just be happy without that!" well damn sue me for wanting someone to deeply love me who i deeply love back!! why is that such a bad thing to want!! obviously if you cant function without being in a relationship that's not good, but people always say that shit to someone going "i feel unlovable and like no one will ever want me" and it feels so meanspirted!! damn!!

its been like almost a year since i got ghosted and i know its annoying to hear people complain abt the same thing over and over again. but its just HARD bcus i feel stupid, and used. i really thought my ex was like, THE person, we talked abt getting married and how we'd combine our last names, abt moving in together, supported each other through everything. when i was in inpatient this person called me almost everyday i was there to say hi and check in on me. i thought my future involved them and then they just dropped me without even an explanation. never in a million billion years did i think that would happen (outside of my bad brain telling me it would, which, well i was right so LOL) bcus they were my best friend of 8 years!!

and its scary bcus it makes me think there must be something wrong with me/"how could anyone ever love me when even the person who dated me for 6 years didnt". and people always say things like "you haven't met everyone who will care about you yet" but what if i have, and my one chance at having a relationship i was so happy in was ruined bcus the other person is a self-obsessed asshole who lied to my face abt so much for who KNOWS what reason. WHATEVER.

i feel like when i make posts like this i come off as an insane person in the "no wonder they broke up with you" way, but i promise im actually normal ive just been very emotionally ripped to shreds by a very bad breakup. barely a breakup bcus it was over TWITTER DM. whatever im just gonna be one of those people that obsesses over fictional characters so much i think were in a relationship.

i just rlly rlly wonder what their reasoning for doing this to me was and if they feel bad abt it. or if they think its funny, or if they just dont care. i also wonder if they think they can just message me one day and apologize and think itll be okay (i dont think this will happen, i used to but i dont anymore)

i lean towards they just dont care, i doubt they even think about what they did lol. i mean i HOPE they feel bad, but i dont think thats true. id be shocked if i ever heard from them again which is just, crazy. 8 years of knowing someone and it ends like that through no fault of your own. i wish i had a screenshot of the break up dm id post it in a heartbeat so anyone who actually read this far would feel whiplash like i do. (filled to the brim with "i love you so much" "i feel horrible for hurting you and i hate that im doing it" "i really care about you" "i hope you stay in my life bcus youre my best friend").

and it makes me really sad bcus OFC we would have stayed friends, i loved them so much that while id be sad abt breaking up i would still want them in my life. (WE EVEN TALKED ABT HOW IF WE BROKE UP WE ALWAYS THOUGHT WE'D STAY FRIENDS). but even in my fantasy world where they reach out after a few years all apologetic and guilty i just couldnt do it anymore.

one more but i don't understand what would compel someone to say all that knowing theyre lying and dont give a fuck about you, like it only comes off as evil and fucked up and cruel to me, so how else am i supposed to take that.

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hellboundhimbo · 1 year

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MORE JOJ GIRLS joanna's design isn't creative at all with the exception of her dress. like its deadass just jonathans outfit. REASON FOR THIS BEING a lot of my thoughts on her are less abt her design and more abt what her story could be. strap in fellas its time for an Unhinged JoJo Rant courtesy of tumblr user hellboundhimbo.

now i already touched a bit on the subject here, but boy howdy if she still doesn't live in my head rent free. since writing said post, I've had a brain blast in the form of an epiphany that, what if all those concepts, but she's TRANS. i know, i'm a genius (read also: stupid gay idiot). t4t jonaeri, anyone?

i wanted her design to reflect the journey of coming into her own, and finding her own definition of womanhood. at the beginning of PH, she wears very traditionally victorian clothing. long dresses, corsets, those big ass hats, the whole sha bang. over the course of the story, however, she realizes she doesn't need to conform to societal standards to be "worthy" of the title of woman, so she begins to dress in ways she wants to, or is practical for that specific situation. i wanted to make it a point that while she lets her hair down, she never cuts it or is like "EW EARRINGS BLEH' cuz like. femininity isn't her enemy!! its the patriarchal standards that enforce such a rigid, static form of it onto people!!

when it comes to the trans aspect of her story, I thought long and hard about how to go about it cuz like. i'm trans masc myself, and the last thing i'd want to do is try to infuse transness into a story and have it feel like a redundant, shitty commentary that intrudes on the narrative or smth. i think I've come up with a good idea of where to go with it, though.

i think joanna probably came out sometime in her early teen years, around 13-15, but started questioning around the time she met erina, (haven't come up w a name for him yet, if yall have any ideas feel free to shout em.) who came out much earlier, like 9 or so. just like the idea of joanna being like "omg wow u changed ur gender wow that's so crazy haha doesn't everyone feel that way tho" and erina's like. no???? they don't????

anyway once joanna came out lady joestar was like "ok fine u can trans ur gender BUT you gotta be a lady." which sucks cuz no more rugby but fuck it we ball (or I guess. not. ball.) she struggles a lot with being a poised debutante cuz shes like 6'5 and rich dudes don't really like it when their dance partners could chuck them to the colonies with one arm but fuck them. rest of the story remains mostly unchanged, blah blah blah dio blah blah stone mask blah blah you know the drill ANYWAY speedwagon's first appearance is when we really start making some real impacts on joanna's character, with some definite parallels being drawn between joanna, who was lucky enough to be rich and accepted by her family (for the most part,,,) and speedwagon, who lives in the slums with no family to speak of. by proxy, some parallels to dio as well (she'll get her own ramble when I post her design in 284738374 years), because phantom blood sets up so much for a conversation about classism that we see so little of :( love phantom blood tho dgmw

also you can bet your sweet ass that hamon is becoming a metaphor for queer liberation.

don't wanna divulge too much about it cuz like I am hoping to write something about this at some point but,,, big Thoughts here trust me bro.

to address the elephant in the room, how does joanna got honkers if there was no hormone therapy in victorian times? hamon doubles as hrt. if araki's allowed to pull new hamon capabilities out of his ass every 5 seconds, so am I. it works for the metaphor too but like that's less funny.

#jojos bizarre adventure #jjba #phantom blood #jonathan joestar #genderswap #this is still for the genderswaps #i just trans'd her gender to achieve said swap #eat my ass transphobes #art #fanart #transgender #jojo no kimyō na bōken #genderbend #my art

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liauditore · 7 months

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is there any voicaloid songs you think capture bigB pretty well‽

OH MY GOD THANK YOU FOR ASKING... MY SAVIOUR I CAN FINALLY RAMBLE ABT MY STUPID PLAYLISTS. ANON I LOVE YOU.

so first off bouquet garni ofc . i did a whole drawing abt it so i won't go into detail here but yeah it's so him.

in general he's very inabakumori-coded imo but especially float play i mean just. i mean come on.

A pacifist till yesterday had dawned

and lost umbrella too. this specific remix i think adds kind of a chaoticness that suits last life bigb and his whole thing with cleo rlly well.

Leaving soon, pleading with you Right before the rain will soak me through They could still try to kill me while I have no view, and there’s nothing at all I can do Letting go never came, my hands stay dripping with rain Never gained a sense of things I had to face What I’d end up dropping someday

and lagtrain. cus it's lagtrain.

this is maybe getting a bit into unhinged headcanons territory but i really like associating Like a Dog with his relationship with Ren specifically (i mayhaps have Too Many thoughts about those two). I don't expect anyone else to see what I see but um yeah something about the passive aggression Bigb has towards him in Double Life, how they always end up together every season, something about how Ren will always drag Bigb into his murderous plans etc. etc.

deathly loneliness attacks tends to be either a bigb or a jimmy song depending on the day for me. specifically mercAU!bigb but i havent even drawn him yet so i cant rlly say anything.

that nameless kisaragi station song is another one i relate to my very obscure headcanons lmao but if you squint i think the clown to clown communication might get through a little bit?? 😭😭

something something the evo players having more awareness of the time loop than the others. plus his relationship with grian. idk if u see it u see it im not a cop.

I only wanted to go meet a friend tonight But it’s over now so good night

None can see me even if they try Where the hell am I? Doomed to never truly die I tried my best to keep you safe and sound But that wasn’t quite enough to stop it was it?

but yeah!! i hope at least one of these tickled ur brain??

i feel like with bigb there's like.. this distinct flavour of angst that's not quite edgy enough to be people allergy and not quite self-loathing enough to be nonsense speaker (although if your headcanons for him land more in that territory i highly recommend those songs).

there's like this specific flavour of dulled acceptance he has with his own shortcomings that i don't see talked about often. it's not like he doesn't care, he just goes with whatever happens to him like his opinion doesn't really matter and no one listens anyway so what's the point in trying to fight it. he's like the quiet middle child who doesn't 'cause trouble' so he gets overlooked as a result even if he's technically doing everything right lol

(and he's on the edge of snapping as a result. constantly. but he would never. like im gonna do something bad-- im gonna do something REALLY bad-- and then he never does)

and sometimes that ends in disaster (him and cleo) or bottled up resentment (him and ren) and other times it provides some much-needed stability (him and grian or pearl).

i think uh 'resigned' is a good word for it. yeah he's resigned to it all.

but yeah so uh i like bigb

#asks #liauditore is unhinged #watch me remember like five songs after i go to bed and have to edit this in the morning #bigbstatz #bigb

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b0rtney · 7 months

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This might be a bit of an intrusive question, so zero pressure to answer, but what’s your favourite tropes and why? (Feel free to reply to only the first part, I recognise the second is somewhat often private and personal) (P.S it’s FragileWriter - functioning technology is brilliant!! I can go on apps again! Whoo!)

In the name of fairness, one of my all time favourite tropes is the comfort element of character A fiercely protecting and defending B in their abscence; bonus points if they scheme and plot to bring B’s enemy down - but the icing on the cake is if B walks in and is left stunned at being sided with. Undying loyalty all the way, but also I just love the comrade of people being so loyal to one another that they’ll defend each other no matter what.

It’s kind of healing to write tbh 😅

Characters bonding around a warm, cosy fire via trauma stories and deep personal conversations complete with humorous exchanges is another favourite. Again, I love the unity aspect and I’m not one for small talk so I love getting into the nitty gritty.

Plus, there’s something almost symbolic about characters being in a secluded or isolated place, left to fend for themselves in the elements and forced to be in the dark, but surrounded by the light and warmth of friends or begrudging company. I like when characters are forced to be vulnerable with themselves and one another, or rather, when they choose to be.

And on that note, I shall end with long ramble with; I hope you’re having a brilliant day/night 💗

AH IM SO EXCITED TO ANSWER THIS ASK!!!!

so in response to my fav trope (i have several but ill just pick a few). i LOVE genre clashes!! i love throwing a tragedy-built character into a romance, or a childrens-comedy-built character into a murder mystery thriller!!! i think exploring how two opposing things mesh and fill in each others cracks can be so fun!!!! (like when the childrens comedy character escapes murder by the culprit bc their looney toons physics defies mortality)

i ALSO love whump where one character just has the everloving SHIT beat out of them!! i find it so satisfying to write and read for some reason <3 soooo good every time. satisfies my little lizard brain hehehehehe

another is when character a is just so down bad and stupid abt it for character b, and even better when its mutual. idiots in love <33333333

weird one for the last one: i love when character a has been kidnapped, all their loved ones plan a rescue op, and then character a manages to unkidnap themselves-- ITS SO FUNNY EVERY TIME!!!! (best example i can think of is suicide squad remake where harley quinn rescues herself and encounters the rest of the squad mid-rescue, but ive written several of my own before that too)

I LOVE UR FAV TROPES AS WELL!!!! those r all so sweet!!!! i love characters scheming together heheheeh <33333 undying loyalty i am SUCH a sucker for ughhh <3333333 and the sharing of trauma is fun as well hehehe

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pikbro · 9 months

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tell me about ur fnac oc I already love them

WAHOO YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM JUMPING FOR JOY

putting it under a read more bc i dont wanna clog peoples dashes with this long ass oc post LOLL

uhh ok so. her name is ivory (obviously) and shes from the fnac 2 era so shes lived in the gross ugly abandoned factory her whole life lol

her parents (cindy and blank) built her out of whatever they could find in the factory so shes kind of an amalgam of various parts from different generations of candys. thats not reflected very well in the way i draw her but trust me. it definitely was not something i thought of after i had already redesigned her

its also why shes missing an eye + the suit part(???) on one arm, they jsut couldnt find anything lmaoo. shes technically unfinished but shes Functional so whatever

shes also missing the suit part on her shins similar 2 withered blank so she covers that up with the leg warmer thingies i guess

i wish i wasnt too stupid to learn 3d modeling so i could better explain what i mean + make her real but alas. my brain is so tiny

also shes like. idk. almost as tall as blank maybe. abt the same height as the rat i guess

like assuming the thank u image is height accurate this is what i mean

shes a tad insecure abt her height bc she towers over like. every single other animatronic except for her dad LMAO

i like to imagine she was present during fnac 2 and she was jsut hiding on another floor or somethijng. secret ivory easter egg

that also means she burned along with her parents at the end of the game this is so sad

unsure if shes killed people. thatd be funny tho

i imagine shed be kinda scared of humans after being told abt what happened to blank in the first game. so idk

idk if i wanna make this littel fucker canon to her lore but i like their dynamic. so maybe. all i know rn is he jsut shows up outta nowhere and theyre somewhat close bc she sucks at socializing with literally anyone outside of immediate family

if its not obvious im jsut pulling stuff outta my ass + listing off whatever i can remember comign up with whilst walking around my house to music like an insane person

ivory is the result of 12 year old me liking the worst ship ever and then stealing someones oc so shes not meant to be taken that seriously. coherent character traits/lore/whatever is not my main priority LMAOO

anyways thajnk u for asking abt her and giving me an excuse to ramble abt my beloved creature bye

#i heart ivory from fnaf #i havent thought abt her relationship with her mom that much tbh #i think shed be closer with her dad just bc a good chunk of the parts shes made of were taken from the gen hes from. yknow #also he can relate 2 being fucked up and ugly /joke #im resisting the urge to make her transfem and/or sapphic im so normal #anyways ive been talking too long oops

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skitskatdacat63 · 1 year

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okay, i don't know why, but i have ALWAYS been like you described. i have so many movies, TV shows, books, podcasts, songs, etc that i want to experience but do i? nope, just put on another F1 race, please. i don't know if it's fear of the unknown (hello, flood of unexpected emotions!) or not wanting to challenge myself or also wanting to watch F1 and F1 just wins out, but here we are. i suspect it's part of my OCD? or some other ND thing that hasn't been diagnosed in me yet??

in fact prolly the only reason i watch F1 is bc i watch it with my sister. it is a lot easier to do new stuff with someone else...which deludes me into believing that if i just got a partner, we could open the floodgates and watch everything i haven't seen together, but lord knows it don't work that way 😑 in any case, i don't know what's wrong with us, but you're not alone!

I'm glad I'm not the only one!! 💕💕

(Reply ramble under the cut cause I wrote more than I expected)

I think I just struggle to start anything new or to finish anything. I totally agree with what you said about it being the fear of unexpected emotions/the unknown! Like for race seasons for example, I just spent a significant amount of time immersed in 2005 which is a specific set of information(you know: rules, strategy, drivers, etc.), so to start a new season would be a completely different set of info. As I said in my earlier tags, some part of me likes the anticipation more and also I always get way too hyper about things and that energy is overwhelming 😓 And I also feel like I have a fear about how much time I'm going to spend(which is stupid because I'll spend like way too much time aimlessly scrolling for the same amnt of time it'd take to watch a race.) Like the idea of specifically putting aside two hours to do only one thing is stressful to me, which is why I often used to like watching races when I literally couldn't do anything else(waiting for a class.) But now I'm stuck back in the cycle of not wanting to start something new, even if 2009 isnt exactly new because I've watched a lot of racing at this point, but still new enough to me that it's hard to convince my brain to start it. Like once I get into the groove of things, I can float through and enjoy myself, it's just that beginning barrier that's hard to get through.

I also definitely agree with having to watch it with someone else. I either have to binge watch things super quickly or watch them with other people, if not, I'll just end up never starting it or abandoning it. I think it's because it's really nice to be able to discuss your thoughts and feelings abt it with another person and not just be stuck with a million thoughts bouncing around your head(which is why I tend to make posts and then rant in the tags LOL)

I think thats why ive been able to get into F1 to such an extent and why it's been so fun for me. It's a live experience(with a strict time constraint, i.e. you can only watch it right here, right now) where there's a bunch of people watching and interacting. I love tumblr during a race weekend so much, I don't think I'd be obsessed with it as much if not for the ability to see everyone's reactions and interact back with them. I think that's why I struggle to start old seasons, because it's literally just me obsessing alone in my room and I can't talk about it to the extent that I can with the current season. Watching F1 as it goes along in a current season is just a perfect experience I guess, because the schedule pushes me along and I don't really have to rely on myself to keep going.

But yeah who knows!! Brain just being brain as always I guess, but it is annoying that it prevents us from doing things we want to do! But I will say, still, its so stupid that I procrastinate over watching 10 minute long YouTube vids LMAO, like pls I get the hesitation with a 2 hour race, 2 hour movie or 100k fic but, 10 minutes, seriously brain???

#theres some actual term ive heard before abt this kind of behavior #but i cant recall it rn and you know what google is like when youre trying to look up symptoms 😭#but yeah its probably smth mentally related which ive just never looked into further #i just am prone to anxiety about literally everything i think :)#sorry for such a long response!!#but its rly nice to know that someone else out there deals with this <3 #i think im just my greatest enemy LOL im always just fighting with my brain #some part of my brain just likes playing devils advocate and being contrary to what i want to do ig?#but yeah what you said about the flood of emotions! so true!!#like for some reason ig its just hard to open myself up to such sudden excitement/joy if that makes sense?#tysm for the ask :D it makes me feel a lot better abt that :D #i always fear that i complain too much abt things in my own control #like: 'i want to watch 2009 but i cant' 'but isnt the ability to watch 2009 under your control' 'yeah BUT YOU KNOW'#when i say i want to do something i either do it immediately or its gonna take a bit for me to get to it #but rest assured it will probably happen eventually #i like how i wrote a super long response and still somehow managed to write a paragraph of tags #truly my trademark at this point #catie.asks.#catie.rambling.txt

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mallowstep · 2 years

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hey mallow, i wanted to thank you genuinely because your stance on proships/antis made me take a step back and really evaluate why i was even upset with those ships.

I’ve always been pretty gullible so you having a more neutral standpoint helped me try to see things from a logical stance instead of just going with whatever people expect me to do. It’s stupid to get so genuinely upset about some words on a screen. And some things need to be handled delicately, but other than that, it’s just characters.

i went on a mini ramble and I apologize, so i’ll wrap this up. Thank you and have a great day

ey, we love to hear it.

i don't actually feel like rambling abt this, but tldr, i think a lot of young people are terrified of being wrong because the use of online shaming and harassment over the slightest perceived faults. it's like...if rsd had a child with scrupulosity and that child decided it was going to take these factors out externally instead of internally.

here's a post from scrupulosity comics that got that idea in my head. as someone who regularly finishes a chain of thoughts with, "also, i can't tell anyone this, because they might start to act on it, and they shouldn't act on these thoughts because they are the thoughts of a crazy person. however i am going to act on them because that is the logical thing to do." i. yeah.

at this point, my interest in shipcourse is not as legitimate discourse but as a strange subculture. i think people invested in it are often unaware of how...specific it is? all of this discourse is incredibly specific.

(then again, published author diane duane reblogged a post that referenced antis, so perhaps i'm downplaying things. or perhaps this says more about me, because it's not like duane doesn't occupy a fairly slim niche herself.) (that said y'all should read her work it's fantastic.)

i'm struggling to figure out how to word my next idea. i think i could...

okay, here.

a lot of my opinions are amoral. like. a lot of my (political?) stances are not dependent on what i think is good/bad. i have sat down and thought about ethics and philosophy and ultimately, when i ask, "should this thing be allowed?" what i really mean is, "does this hurt other people?"

(obligatory aside that this is complicated, because hurting other people is not an objectively defined thing. some people might think helping a trans kid figure out their identity is hurting them. but i'm trying not to be too fussy with specifics.)

i've said before that you can think that something is morally reprehensible and still think it should be allowed to exist. i think the book i was forced to read in eighth grade was pretty fucking terrible. i mean, the context i read it in was really the problem*, but let's put that aside, because for a long time i didn't care, the book was horrific, it was upsetting and terrible and awful.

but i still think it should be allowed to exist.

*the context is (almost) always the problem.

so yeah. i suppose that's what i have to say about this. i breathe out, i form my opinion not based on whether something pings my brain as good/bad/right/wrong, but what the answer to the question, "does this hurt other people is?"

(aside: why other people? well, i have complicated feelings about bodily autonomy and self harm that aren't relevant.)

darkfic doesn't hurt people. censorship does.

#ask #anon #mine #shipcourse

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chihirolovebot · 2 years

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hey venus, i hope you're doing well, and if not, i hope things get better for you soon. i'm here for you if you need anything, and remember to hydrate and eat something if you haven't already!

hmmm, an unpopular opinion?? ....i feel like. okay. i like kaimaki and kiiruma as ships in theory. the dynamics are cute and i think the characters could balance each other nicely! the way they're written in game though irritates me. i feel like kiiruma could've gotten sweeter moments together that kinda show that they care a lot sooner than...throwing the maintenance scene at us in chapter 3. ( which already makes me Squint ) and miu could've used more down to earth moments, as much as i like her. ( and i know part of it is. kodaka specifically trying to make her "everything someone would hate in a woman" which i don't like at all ) and i know kiibo brings up miu after she dies, but also it felt like none of the cast tried to comfort him and it annoys me. and then kaimaki feels like. "Oh I Harassed Her Into Liking Me" you know, the really not great trope you see in romance movies?? like i'm not opposed to maki opening up, i just wish she did it more out of her own volition rather than kaito having to pull a lot of it out of her. it also feels like maki didn't really get to be her own character after kaito inserted himself. idk, i might be stupid sndjdjdgs

god. i could go on about the missed potential with miu, kiibo, and maki. kaito is on thin ice though /hj

take care of yourself, vee. and have a lovely day, my dear <3

-☀️ sunshine anon

strongly disagree | disagree | neutral | agree | strongly agree

no surprise that rei would come in with the big brain takes!! i feel the same, though i definitely enjoy kiiruma and lot more than kaimaki. replaying the game they actually have a few subtle moments before The Scene, like when miu is rambling abt the computers used in chapter four and shuichi notices that kiibo is literally jealous. of a computer. i also noticed than during miu's trial kiibo was very focused and had zero comic relief moments, only trying to get to the truth of the case as quickly as possible, evidenced when he was one of the only people who stuck up for shuichi wanting to suspect gonta.

that said, yeah, they definitely weren't super fleshed out in canon. personally the concept of them / their fanon versions are what carries this ship for me. they're kinda very sweet to me, idkidk i know they're not objectively well-written but smth about them makes me squeal.

as for kaimaki. okay. i have a lot of thoughts on them but idk how to put them into words. like i've voiced my opinion to you abt kaito before and i think he's good for someone like maki in general, like, learning to open up and trust in others in definitely a valuable lesson for her specifically to learn. but yeah it does feel very, uh... tsundere-ish at times which is not smth i enjoy. i would've liked to see maki's development tied to maybe shuichi and himiko rather than solely kaito, her explicit love interest, idk. im not HUGE on maki or kaito as characters really, i try to scale them back a lil in my fic lol.

as for missed potential, dont get me started. i could seriously go for hours. miu is maybe the worst contender in v3. what little depth she gets is literlly AFTER she dies, when kokichi i think tells us abt her trust issues - or maybe it's even kaito lamenting what kokichi told him, so it's basically all through the grapevine. that could've been super interesting if they'd only. like. tried to explore it a little bit. i would've loved to see more of her relationship with kokichi, because it sounded like they spent a lot of time together behind the scenes. idk. love miu i just wish they did more with her in general.

how are you doing rei?? im sorry this has been fermenting for a few days. ive been spending a lot of time w my family :D

#<3.rei #dear venus.#🌙; ask games #drv3 spoilers #danganronpa spoilers

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justalilpearlie · 3 months

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hi guys dont mind me being insane again

im not tagging this too much cus its more of a personal ramble cus idk im feelin silly today and the BPD hits too hard. i wont be explainin what BPD is either so if u dont know either look it up or ignore this post,,

man i. have you ever loved someone so much you cry? /pos

like man i. its not romantic, may i clarify. most of my fps, except for my main one, are platonic. one of them is familial even

but i just. i feel like such a parasocial freako but i genuinly feel so intensely. its so positive too. if you ignore the crippling paranoia i always have abt my fps hating me or me being so intense they get uncomfortable...

but i just??? im not. normal about them.

i dont wanna sound creepy but they make my world so much better. id take a bullet from them. if give anything for them to be alright. i genuinly just REALLY enjoy their company and knowing theyre having fun with me aswell. knowing they enjoy me as a person. that im not a nuisance for the people i love the most.

and gosh i really hope they dont see this. i would feel so ashamed and embarassed if they did.

luckly i have better ways of copying with distress, attachment issues, jealousy, possesiveness, and all that other FUN (not) stuff that comes with BPD or rather specifically having an fp. A nice trustworthy psychologist (if u can afford it) does wonders to you, let me tell you.

its still hard sometimes but ive learnt to deal with it in ways that arent destructive to my relationships with those around me. i can cool down and such instead of lashing out or splitting for the most minimal things.

but now. for whatever reason. i went on a huge "positive" ramble instead. it was meant to be appreciation at the time, and still is, but i feel like its something that couldve scared them off. i showed some stuff to irl friends and online family, and everyone said theyd feel very appreciated if someone told them that stuff, but i cant help but feel is because they're my loved ones also and stuff. i really. really feel like i was too intense. i suck at showing affection in a normal way, a calm way, subtle way, like a normal person.

at this point i think. sigh i think its better if i just say nice things anonymously. i think if people, in general, not only my fps. but if people dont know affection comes from me they'll take it so much better than if they know its *me* in particular. and idk why! its just my brain being stupid again.

brains love doing that, dont they? being stupid. telling you everyone hates you oh so much no matter what you do. that theyre lying behind your back, and hate you in secret, theyre just being polite and allat.

well let me tell you, dear reader, whoever the fuck might read this, specially if its from the bpd tags: thats not true. sure, there might be assholes out there, but those people you think hate you despite how close you are, most likely dont. and i cant even get this through my own head but my sister repeats it to me all the time. "[name] talks so nicely about you and seems so happy seeing you". even then its hard to believe, i gotta stare at nice screenshots ive saved where i believe ive done something good, something worthy of appreciation, something that has not only meaning but an impact, a possitive one. and i know the chances of them actually hating me are low, but i still believe more in those chances than the proof.

i feel a bit delusional in a way. and i mean, i am, often times. but this is one of those thoughts- those god dammed thoughts where you're self aware yet- yet it doesnt shake the feeling away, you know? like no there is no proof, no logical proof at least, only what your mind twists into proof. but you still just "know it", yknow? even if you dont actually know shit and are very wrong. you feel like you do and it- it fucking sucks.

dont even get me started on splits and mood swings, highs and lows. Cause well. THATS NOT THE TOPIC OF THIS POST !! Lmao. i could go on for hours complaining tho. ough.

but yeah!! i just !! sorry, this took a turn. i just. needed to express myself idfk. i'll go back to posting abt minecraft men kissing soon or whatever, sorry normie followers /hj

i love them so much its overwhelming, yet i wouldnt change it for everything in the world, you know? not them. its hard but id rather endure it for them than have them not be THIS level of special to me anymore.

i really REALLY hope theyre not. uncomfortable by it tho. and wont dump me for it. i really wish i had a guide to how to and how to not mess up. so i could avoid doing dumb shit on accident.

and its funny cause theyre ppl that would absolutely tell me if im doing shit that bothers them, yet i believe theres smth else, stupid thoughts man. LEAVE ME ALONE FREDDY MERCURY!! UR SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD !! /ref

sighhhh anyhow yeah im dropping it here. bpd is a bitch. and to anyone out there dealing w it? godspeed. you can do this, i know life already sucks and this shitty dissorder doesnt help, but i know you can push through, mi gente bella.

Pearlo out. BPD hours rlly seem to be hitting at around 11-12 am, huh? /ij

#bpd rambles #bpd fp #bpd thoughts #bpd shit #bpd feels #bpd problems #bpd vent

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transboykirito · 9 months

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I have my oc brain rot rn so I apologize if this doesn’t help much but i’ll include some sao related stuff for them

nikki n tomo the ocs i was talking abt earlier, they have matching earrings!! They each have one Orange (like the fruit) charm earring that they wear on matching sides bc i got the idea from a webtoon ive been reading (cheriecrush)

they also!!!! Have promise rings, but they wear it on a string tied around their neck like a necklace, and nikki fidgets with it alot when she’s nervous

this is kinda cringe but its an old idea we never changed, but tomo calls nikki stupid names like “strawberry” because she gets really flustered and when she does her face turns red uhm uhm

OK HERES SOME SAO RELATED one of the v first things i drew for them was nikki sleepinf on tomos chest, and what happened was earlier they like. yk sao teauma oh no pvpers O H N O O I COULDNT SAVE MY TEAM and (yes, this was infact copied from kirito and asuna, we were like 14/15 when we vvv first started them) but i think iirc nikki asked tomo to stay the night because his presence comforted her and she really didnt wanna be on her own, especially because of how much guilt she felt because she couldnt do the final blows on the pvpers to save her friends and tomo had too (she never ever made that mistake again)

Uhh

they went back to her apartment and i don’t remember but to lighten the mood and shit before she went to bed tomo put fucking frog legs and unknown mysterious meat in her bed 💀 it was a prank kirito would pull and based off that one scene in s1

Anyway they slept in the same bed, tomo couldnt fall asleep and nikki ended up hugging him while she slept n it was a cute thing i need to redraw it

i missed so many details, this was so long ago 😭😭

nikki was the party leader for her team, it was Nikki, Maemi, Tomo, and 2 other people i never named or drew, not in the sao universe anyway, nikki and tomo are the only survivors from that team but thankfully, Kiyoko her irl friend survived the game :D

nikki would nag tomo and the others all the time to make sure they had their healing items and antidotes and such, because tomo was a very forgetful person and def would be dead if he didnt have nikki around 💀 not because he cant handle himself but because he’s fucking stupid

i cannot remember if i said rhis but tomo is a very memey golden retriever type boy and if you mixed Kirito and Klein together i think LMAO

I have an oc named selka who i completely ripped off of selka from alicization bc i was too lazu to make up a new name and design HOWEVER!!!!!!!!! SHE BECAME HER OWN CHARACTER AND I DID GIVE HER HER OWN DESIGN n shes a sweetie i love hee to bits shes rllt into photography, and very academically smart, she takes care of everyone before herself all though she is very snarky sometimes, she like wearing this lacey blouse with slightly puffy sleeves

I have a lesbian oc who looks like fluttershy. I didnt mean for her to look like fluttershy and ngl i’m kinda :( abr ir but its ok shes pretty and her name is Eliana and shes a doctor and i love her

i love all of them <3 i love hearing about peoples ocs please ramble to me whenever i genuinely love hearing about them!!!!!

#adorabl8dthirsty #asks

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jcfoxington · 3 years

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@sambambucky : “pls... Pastels, Peaches and Pain??? among us first draft??? marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts (it’s not an au!?!??!)

hi jo !!! Pastels, Peaches, and Pain is one of those sambucky wips i have mostly fully fleshed out in my head because of one (1) extreme moment of clarity after a rogue ‘what if’ tangent thought but havent written anything of yet out of restraint / knowing i need to finish at least one of my current sambucky wips before i start it or none of them will get done

this was the rogue tangent thought: “what if Sam is haunted by Figaro’s ghost and has been since he was a kid?”. i’ve changed the ghost cat to not be Figaro but that’s the premise !

i refer to the fic as the cat fic ‘cause the whole plot is based around sam’s ghost cat companion insisting he adopts nat’s cat Liho after endgame and then Figaro later and then [insert redacted because plot spoilers but just know it relates to Alpine]. no im not projecting my feelings about cats idk what youre talking about

here’s some note snippets just for you:

the cat, inexplicably, takes a liking to bucky, which is really annoying bc sam doesnt know how to explain to him that all the oddly soft gusts of wind are actually sam's dead cat insisting on getting pats

bucky getting shade thrown at him by said ghost cat during all of tfatws + them making up (and not out. yet)

starts when sam's a kid & follows him as he grows up w/ a ghost kitty as a companion only he can see & interact with + angst with an undertone of comedy + getting together

he whispers to ghost kitty, who simply mmrrs happily

for the among us first draft thing, what basically happened is i saw this tweet and this video and my brain latched onto these dynamics so hard i had to write about them.

here’s a sketch of my two main imposters, Black (left) and Cyan (right):

and here’s a snippet:

The thing having Cyan pause and stare out at the asteroid field is how the colors stretch to family. When they and Black came aboard, they had thought every crewmember was an adult working on the planet-change project. That the patch of off-white with a black something-pattern-or-shape signified status. In a way, Cyan supposes it does, but just not the way they expected. They had expected it to show what rank an individual held within the hierarchy of the crew, from deckhand to division leader to captain, not to show that you're family of the crew and not actually part of the crew itself.

There are innocents on this ship. Children. It was not something any of them had anticipated, and not something Cyan had been prepared to deal with. They and Black boarded this horrible place to eradicate a threat, believing each and single one of the humans were accomplishes and dedicated to the goal of destroying Cyan and Black's species, and their planet. But, now?

marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts... doesn’t have a wip title or seperate document for itself yet cause it’s been stuck in my ‘story ideas’ document since its creation. so ‘marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts’ is literally just me describing the vibe of an original world gjkerfkds

the world came to be for two reasons. firstly, i want to do make take on a superhero universe because the plot and complete lack of communication in both the dcu and mcu piss me the fuck off. secondly, needed a place to dump ocs with elaborate backstories or fantasy / sci-fi abilities that dont fit into any of my existing worlds

which sounds super competent but trust me, it isn’t. it didn’t gain any solidity at all until i decided to do a personal ‘how different can i make spn castiel look & still retain the same vibe?’ challenge. i have my own cas now

however, the reason i said ‘marvel meets...’ is because i’ve snagged a couple of different things from the mcu, most notably: enemies to reluctant coworkers to lovers, yes our best friend have the same name. no they’re not the same person, secret evil org is controlling the government, and the assassin that tried to kill you several times is now your best friend

warframe was added to the world because i got attached to my Volt build, gave them a name, and have some headcanons idk what to do with because i refuse to interact with that fandom. also because the friend i made through discussing warframe lore + plot dicked me over so it feels Bad to create for

the glue to this whole mess is that one “in every friend group there’s a mean bisexual, an even meaner lesbian, a she/they, a he/they, a himbo, an astrology bitch, a short king, and a token straight” tumblr post. my main group of superheroes ala the avengers consist of these people. the token straight is the only one i havent figured out who is yet

ever since i figured that out ive been throwing story / character ideas and weirdly specific aesthetics from popular tumblr posts into this world’s notes. here’s some examples:

sword grandmas

that trope where someone’s really nice and acts super well-adjusted to society but then they do something super whack and dangerous and you realize ‘oh they’re secretly a little bit insane, actually’

anti-gay group’s leader’s wife leaves him for another woman

superhero who swore to be the best hero [city / planet / solar system / continent / ????] has ever seen ever since he lost his wife. not because she’s dead but divorce just sucks & the hero-to-be is terrible at coping

dishevelled swamp witch

that one person who runs around with an amulet all the time & isn’t aware it’s cursed

an exasperated, tired superhuman assassin running after their husband and their husband's best friend. their husband and said husband's best friend both have wings. chaos ensues (yes, this one is a sambucky post)

ask me about my WIPs!

BONUS:

@sambambucky : #i want to have a coffee and listen to synopses of all of these.... #i miss the discord wow #WRITING TAG #waitttt time jumping dream movie? lmao I'VE READ THIS LIST FORTY TIMES and every time i rediscover something i wanna know about #outfit doodlesss ugh i need to go

couldnt not respond to your tags because they make me go ghrkjfnerknf but in the good way. we miss you too jo !!

the time jumping dream movie was one of the first vivid dreams i had and the whole thing was so stupidly coherent and whacky i had to write it down. it grew plot, a queer love dynamic, weird sci-fi apocalypse elements, anti-military propaganda, questionable science, and a sequel while i wasnt looking and now i just. have to make it a real movie or i’ll combust

outfit djoodlles.png is only on there because my best friend sent me a ‘draw this outfit’ meme and space kitty, my current character brainrot, stole all the outfits for himself. otherwise, that file just sits there until im feeling like designing an outfit or wanna see how a stupid thing looks on my oc patrick

here’s one of the two poses-to-doodle-outfits-on of space kitty ive made so far:

and here’s one of those stupid things on patrick (that then turned into an actual outfit of his because i have no self control):

#.jax speaks #.my art #.my writing #tysm for the interest jo !!!#if you have literally any questions or if youre serious about the synposes thing...#i love rambling abt my stupid brain people #i WILL answer all your questions #even if the answer is 'good question! ive got no clue'#.patrick mortensen #.space kitty #.pastels peaches and pain #.the among us thing #.marvels meets warframe meets tumblr posts #.time jumping dream movie

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jelliebeanbitch · 3 years

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#still thinking abt that time when i made a 'i have no friends' joke #and my friend was like 'excuse me? im right here??'#and this Stupid Insecure part of my brain went feral #she was jumping up and down like 'he considers me his friend? :D'#bitch ofc he does lmao #other people do love you #go to therapy #insecurity #rambling

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flokali · 2 years

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kaeya anon we're making out now, yall r so good...... subtop kaeya rlly is supreme like i genuinely dont have words...... shinso ur spoiling us holy shit ??? him thanking darling the entire time ??? HIM PROLONGING HIS OWN NUT TO KISS DARLING ????? u've infected me im gonna b thinking abt sucking his dick all week now -💉 [i must say. hyperspecific but i looove how u write like. moans ? like horny rambling the way u transcribe it. so so good. i've genuinely had the line "I love you, love you, thank you, my love, my world, master-- ah... mmh!" in my brain for a month]

(This is such an old ask… I only now saw it because tumblr hates me and doesn’t notify me about shitksksn)

I hope Kaeya anon knows they have two (2) people kissing them as we speak. But like… subtop Kaeya is so hot… he thinks he’s in control but deep, deep down he knows that if you wanted you could turn this whole situation around and screw him up and that’s part of what he likes! The feeling of uncertainty is a really big part of the appeal to him, he knows any second you can get tried and get him to bottom… and yes! I’m 99.9% sure he likes orgasm control, it makes it so much more intense and a part of him likes the fact it feels like he’s coming a lot more than he would if he didn’t do it;

And thanks for the compliment (kdhdndjs), it’s probably the doujinshi/h.entai consumption if I’m honest and the fact I think moans are really attractive :’)

[Added some shit on the reblog cause I’m stupid and horknee for Kaeya]

#๋࣭. hidden devotee: syringe #๋࣭ offerings #ahhh i got another old ask i only just saw;; gimme a second and i’ll answer it too!!#like… tumblr never notifies me about shit anymore and it hasn’t for like ever… it’s a hell site i’m telling you #yandere kaeya #yandere genshin #yandere genshin impact #๋࣭. nsft

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choptop-sawyer · 3 years

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Hi again 😎💫 im here to dig at ur brain again bcs i. M. Aaa sorry i just love ur stuff but. I have this kinda rly specific storyline type hc area and I'd love to hear any hcs you might get from it if its at all jr thing. But um I keep sometimes thinking back to the idea of kinda, vaguely growing up in the same area as the Sawyers, being childhood friends (and being stupid 2gether, running arount the countryside, ditching school & playing in corn fields) -

But then having to leave in your late teens to school / whatever (I mean 😎 my sappy ass also thinks abt mutual pining w Bobby but you know...... nearly unrelated.......)

Then, later on (Bobbys now Chop Top, Nubbins is..... dead I guess but also >:( maybe not, the family is up to being a mess etc) returning to town to take a break from work or whatever. N meeting up w the family again, i mean, oblivious to the bullshit they get up to but.... yk

This is a bit rambly i should probs have waited to sleep but I can't get the thought of returning to the Sawyer door wearing Bobbys tie dye sweatshirt that hr borrowed u years ago and all the impact of being a former family member bc u were also kind of an outsider or whatever but also the drama of leaving so uwu sksjd

This got so long. All i wanted to ask is: sawyer family headcanons for a childhood friend returning to town after being away for years. Rip.

THANK YOU FOR SENDING THIS god I love the image too of just standing in the doorway,, you're not home, you've changed a little bit, but you still fit into some of the old aspects you know so well they fit you and cover you.

Actually this is great because that fic that I swear exists has pretty much the same premise but!!! I can make this one less tragic than that one. 😎

(This is mostly Chop Top n you centric please don't mind)

Also this timeline is all fucky. I think that as soon as Chop came home from Vietnam the Sawyers had basically uprooted themselves and were living in North Texas because of the... Hardesty incident. But like can we pretend that that never happened they r still there in Newt? Just for this. (Hope you like it!)

Chop Top's Childhood Friend Returns

You don't think you would have turned out the way you did without the Sawyers.

They were the main element of your childhood, a mystery that you had to be a part of. A mystery, because they were closed off. Mistrustful. The sickness of small towns carried to the extreme, because they were mostly alone. The loneliness made them more miserable, the misery made them more isolated. A cycle, a legacy.

So it was a a miracle that you were even allowed to be apart of some of it, but you attribute that miracle to Bobby.

He seemed to think you were as much of mystery as what you thought the Sawyers were. Two kids looking through a small window into another world. But he liked that. He liked that you were something different, something new. From beyond that small world of loneliness that lived in the house.

You learned quickly that he had a desire for anything beyond that world. So he'd invite you out with him, when you were kids, to run free in the tall grass, when you got older, to drive with him to places unknown. He had a knack for finding these odd places, and he always brought you along with the music cranked up loud on the radio.

Bobby told you many times that he wanted to see the world. He had this lust for life that went beyond the restlessness of the young. He also said that he wanted to bring you along with him when he saw the world. You didn't ever mention how that always made your heart skip a beat when he said that.

Maybe you should have. But the past is the past and you can't change that.

You knew the other Sawyers too, but Bobby tended to avoid them sometimes. But occasionally, you got to hang out with them.

Nubbins was an enigma. You didn't think Nubbins was his real name. But that's the only one you heard from him, but the name situation was the least confusing thing. He was the most open person you knew. And yet you couldn't understand him, and decided at some point that you wouldn't ever. But he was fun. His energy was infectious, if he was filled with joy, you couldn't help but laugh with him too. That was Nubbins, so absent of any purposeful deceit that he was almost a mirror, you saw yourself around him, sometimes it was uncomfortable, but other times it was fun.

Bubba was the opposite. He seemed to be legitimately wary of you. Bobby once told you that Bubba didn't like to leave the house, ever. He stayed and did the chores. You wondered if he minded, being stuck with all the chores but Bobby said he didn't. It was comforting for him. Always having something set to do. You only saw him once. Nubbins had made him tag along when he needed him to hang some things from a tree. Bones from indeterminate animals, a clock with a nail through it. You don't think Nubbins actually needed Bubba to reach the branches (he climbed pretty well) but he just wanted his little brother to see his work. Bubba didn't make eye contact with you the entire time. He was wholly focused on his task of helping Nubbins. But he was gentle when he helped his brother, careful, and for that you liked him.

Drayton was... well. He was the one Bobby argued with the most. He was his brother, but with how much age between the two, it was almost hard to believe sometimes. Drayton was the one that everybody in Newt knew the most. People liked him well enough, but they said he was odd behind his back. He knew that. You don't think he trusted anything outside the insular world he and his family had existed in for years, and was at odds with Bobby because he didn't get why Bobby wanted anything to do with the world outside.

Oftentimes you would see Bobby after he and Drayton got into it. He'd be fuming, but he'd smile when he saw you. You'd leave with him whenever he came to you. These adventures were the most fun you had when you were there.

The other times you'd go off were when he'd convince you to skip school. Bobby never went himself. He didn't get the idea of all those kids sitting in classrooms for hours, doing nothing but writing and listening. Why do that when you can find things out for yourself? Get into some trouble? In his mind, he was saving you from a very boring thing.

You two knew the area around Newt well. The fields and the flat expanses were the best kind of playground. Your dreams were still set in them. A kind of sunshine filled melancholy.

Bobby told you things in the grass. His dreams yes, but his own thoughts. On music, on late night radio, on movies, on you. He perhaps thought of you as wonderful as voices on the radio, stars on the screen. He never told you that though. But your name was never far from his mouth when Bobby talked about the things he loved.

You and him loved each other as much as two kids who didn't know how to could. He was always on your mind now, with not much tangible objects to remember him with. A photograph taken by Nubbins, your faces blurred because you were laughing. A button, the pin on the back bent. A sweatshirt, which he tie dyed himself, and gave to you one night. The colors were faded. You never did get to return it.

The years away did nothing to lessen thoughts of him. No, they just blurred all together now, and the stream of the sunshine filled melancholy was almost endless. You needed a break. There was only one place you could think of that could help you with that.

So you came back. All things led back to this place eventually. Newt was dying, or dead. Didn't you see somewhere that when a ship went down, it took everything with it? You didn't want to stay for long. But you had to see all of them, you had to know that they were all not these strange figures you had dreamt up.

You went right to the house. You'd never actually been allowed inside, Bobby just always said something along the lines of 'Grandma and Grandpa are napping upstairs' or 'there's a mess' (never mind that he could care less usually about messes.) But you figured he had had a good reason. Maybe he was embarrassed.

When you knocked on the door, your heart was pounding. And that was all. Nothing happened, no indication that anyone was there. You waited, the sweatshirt was too hot but you didn't want to take it off.

Maybe you should come back another time. You were just about to turn around and leave when the door burst open, almost whacking you in the face. And there (you couldn't believe your eyes you couldn't this was a dream) he was.

Bobby had a hammer raised over his head, grinning, he was poised to swing it down, but then he saw you and he felt as if he was in a dream too.

It's been so long. He thought he made you up, a dream to carry him through misery, and you looked the part, even as you stood before him on the doorway. The light of the setting sun shone behind you, heat waves shimmered in the dusk, and you... you.

Facing each other, you stood, just staring. Over head the sky grew colorful, in the fields the grass whispered in the wind. Nothing had changed. Everything had changed. Bobby dropped the hammer and grabbed for your face, and he held it, fingers digging in so tight it hurt.

"H-hey you." He said, and fell to his knees, releasing your face. You numbly touched the marks his fingers left. Bobby still looked like a man who had seen a ghost.

You called his name, and his eyes looked lost, like he hadn't heard it in a long time. He looked up at you, and you could really get a good look at him. His face was leaner, he looked sickly and wiry, but his eyes were just as you remembered. You sank down to the porch to sit with him.

"Fuck... FUCK I didn't... I- I thought ya'd forgotten all about me... uh.. uhm. Fuck! I mean, r-really! Turnin' up out of the blue like you're some kinda... ghost or whatever... WHOA man... like, ya here to return m-my, my sweatshirt? You're wearin' it, you can keep it! You look better in it anyway... heh, fuck." He rambled on and on, hands tensing and twitching as if they were moving to touch you again, just to reaffirm your existence. Did he know how glad you were to see him? Did he know that you hadn't felt right for the longest time being away?

You forgot all about the sweatshirt, the hammer he had raised with a sadistic grin. You reached out and held one of his twitching hands, and he stilled and stopped talking. There was a peace now.

It didn't seem possible for your heart to feel this full. But it was. And by god, if this wasn't the best decision you made in your life to visit your old hometown, if only just for this moment.

Bobby stood, with your hand still in his, pulling you up. He smiled at you, and you knew you still loved him, and in your deepest heart, you knew he loved you too.

But this time around, maybe you and him could love each other right.

#tcm #texas chainsaw #chop top #chop top sawyer #chop top sawyer x reader #tcm 2 #texas chainsaw massacre #slashers #slasher x reader #my writing #chop top x reader #choptop sawyer

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