Tumgik
#i love high fantasy settings ughhh
morro-ambassador · 1 year
Text
morro the decayer ?>!??! REAL ?!!?!?
Tumblr media
anyways silly lil morro design for my universe ive been baking for quite some time now ,,, i know hes very edgy but necromancers be like that <3 silly little bringer of rot i love him definitely not an excuse for myself to write enemies to lovers deaths dance noo /j i cant wait to design deteria next hehe
241 notes · View notes
redsysan · 5 months
Text
Shy Girl asks you out on a date before school ends
Context:
You are a high school student who’s been having a crush on the boy (listener)... Before school ends you confess to him… he (the listener) gladly agrees to take you out on a date
[internal thoughts] “ [sigh] School is going to be over in a week, and I still haven’t built up enough courage to ask him out. Every time I’m near him I just go into panic mode just like Bocchi having a panic attack. I’m just scared that he will reject me and every one of his friends would laugh at me, I would be so embarrassed that I would spend my whole life under a paper bag, not talking to anyone ever again
No..no..no.. I’m overthinking this again, it wouldn’t happen, right? No, it would most likely happen..
Ughhh… why am I always thinking about the worst things that can happen to me
Ok!! [speaker’s name]. You’ve got to get your shit together, after the last class today you’ll ask him…” [you bump into him in the hallway dropping all the books you were carrying]
Oh my god….
I’m so sorry I… I should have watched where I was walking…
[internal thoughts]
“Oh no… out of all the people in the school, why did I bump into him
[Hesitates]
Should… Should I tell him….?”
[stuttering]
Hey… umm.. Tha… thank you, for… for picking up my books for me, [quickly] hey umm… can I take you out on a date… umm no, I’m so sorry this is so weird, I… I wasn’t supposed to say that I’m sorry…I… I’m gonna go now…
[he grabs your hand]
Huh.. What.. what are you….
[he kisses you]
Oh… oh my, that was something haha, what… made you choose me, I’m as pretty as the other girls in class plus, I’m also very awkward and everything…
You think I’m cute? and you’ve noticed me for a while now? 
So, you would be willing to go on a date with me? 
Oh wow… this is so unexpected ahah,  I literally have nothing planned right now… so is the Diner near the school ok? I heard they have really good strawberry pie there haha… 
So… the date is set then? Ok… I will see you then 
[kiss]
[walks away]
[internal thoughts]
[happily] “I can’t believe that just happened, it’s just like a fantasy… anyhow… I need to look the best for him tonight”
[End]
Part 2
[Date Night]
[Knocks on the door]
You look incredible tonight. I'm really looking forward to our date.
[Smiles] Oh, I think you're being too modest. You look amazing too, handsome.
Are you ready to head out? Let's get going.
[At the Diner]
I didn't expect the diner to be this empty tonight. It's usually bustling with students and couples. 
Let's take a look at the menu.
[Looking at the menu]
Yes, we're ready to order. I'll have the strawberry pie with a side of vanilla ice cream, and some syrup, please.
[He orders]
Thank you for joining me on this date. It means a lot to me. I'm still amazed that someone as popular as you in our class, even the whole school, is interested in me. Haha.
[The meal arrives]
Wow, the food looks delicious. Let's dig in.
[As you eat]
So, how has your week been? I heard you've been quite busy with your activities.
[He talks about his week]
That sounds exciting. I've been keeping busy with my studies, but I'm glad we could make time for this date.
[As the conversation continues]
You know, spending time with you tonight has been really special. I've admired you from afar, and it's even better getting to know you in person.
You're amazing, and I'm glad we decided to go on this date.
Would you like to do something else after dinner, maybe take a walk or catch a movie?
[He responds]
A walk sounds lovely too. I'd enjoy a little more time with you.
[The date continues with a romantic walk]
[At the end of the walk]
I had a wonderful time tonight. It's been even better than I imagined.
[He smiles]
Me too. I can't believe how great this date turned out. We should definitely do this again sometime.
[You say goodbye at your door]
Thanks for walking me back. I really enjoyed tonight. Have a great night.
[kisses]
[You both exchange smiles and part ways]
And scene.
feel free to use it in your videos/ audio
Credit: redsysan on Tumblr and Redsy Sometimes Stream on Twitter(X)
1 note · View note
mystiquewanderlust · 1 year
Text
CHINESE DRAMAS MUST WATCH
[Part 7]
Okay so I admit I have watched a lot of Chinese dramas from last year but ended up writing about them right now. With my employment here in Makati, I don't know but I just didn't have the energy I guess to post. But now here they are!! New Chinese Dramas must watch!
💍 Battle Through the Heavens
[FIGHTS BREAK SPHERE]
Genre: Wuxia, Adventure, Fantasy
Rating: 10/10
WUXIA RATING: ⭐⭐
No. of Episodes: 45
Date Watched: 2022
Tumblr media
Another adventure-packed drama that I surely enjoyed watching. Again, I was taken into another dimension.. lol.. But yeah, with the costumes, the acting and the set.. I didn't get bored at all. Okay so let's talk about the characters and actors who played the role---The Queen! She was like the Cleopatra of Korea and she was killing it! Very much suited for the role and she looks so pretty! But of course let's not forget the main lead.. Leo Wu was still so young here! I was stunned when I saw his latest drama--Love in The Galaxy--with Zhao Lusi. I was like--is that really him now?? And I figured that this was a 2018 drama so of course.. he grew up! This drama gave me a Dulou Continent vibes with all the level up thing in terms of their abilities/powers and the adventure they embarked with as they reach for their goal. And oh I almost forgot.. Xiao Xhan has a participation here!!
THIS IS A CLIFFHANGING SEASON-LACKING Drama tho. I mean the ending of the first season was super cliffhanging that an urgent 2nd season is much needed.. but they did not provided!! Ughhh.. I still can't get over the ending of the first season because the male lead was resurrected after being fooled/betrayed by her lover-supposed-to-be and his clan in a state of chaos. He needed to reclaim his and his clan's glory. But to no avail.. because we don't have a 2nd Season! This is my 3rd Scarlet Heart themed drama.. you know, cliffhanger! ;(
Tumblr media
Princess Agents⚔
Genre: Wuxia, Romance
Rating: 10/10
WUXIA RATING: ⭐⭐
No. Of Episodes:
Date Watched: 2022
Tumblr media
Wuxia to the max! This girl really takes over wuxia and she's not playing around. First watched her from her own drama The Legend of Fei with my babe Wang Yibo. Now, tho this is an old drama, I was amazed on how she really fits being a martial artist (who is noncholant and kinda boring actually in terms of personality). But slay girl! And the love story here is also to watch out for (but don't expect much). Tho don't ask about the ending of this drama coz you'll only be disappointed.... CLIFFHANGER ALERT!! I mean hello, this is a 2017 drama and what year is it now? 2022?? Really now??? #ScarletHeartOnceAgain My heart is really aching especially of the ending where her real powers was just awoken and she was about to take revenge. Imagine us watchers' frustrations. Strike 2 for cliffhanger dramas. Much to my frustration.
Love Between Fairy and Devil💐
Genre: Xianxia, Romance
Rating: 10/10
XIANXIA RATING: ⭐⭐
No.of Episodes: 36 + 2 Stringers
Date Watched: 2022
Tumblr media
This is a cute drama. Dont know if it's because of the female lead but she's really cute haha. And Dylan Wang, his character as a mean and cold person suddenly changed when he fell inlove. The conflicts here isn't that heaft-breaking so yes, that explains my rating. It was good but it wasn't unforgettable. Really love Dylan Wang here tho. I really love how men in xianxia would sacrifice their high ranks and power, not to mention their own kingdom, for the sake of their loved one. How I wish to be.. a Chinese actress. Haha! I am not kidding!!
Tumblr media
Her Perfect Husband 💍
Genre: Romance
Rating: 10/10
Episodes: 40
Date Watched: dec 2022-jan 2023
Tumblr media
Yes, another Xu Kai drama!! But he's not in a costume drama this time again. He's a---wait, let me first share my initial thoughts while watching the first few episodes. So this is about a fake marriage contract deal between the two leads. Yeah typical story, yadahyadah, but don't underestimate Xu Kai's power!
'She's the man!' The leading lady is a lady boss which I really love about this. She's from Eternal Love btw so I already know her. She's so sophisticated here and my gahd, her chemistry with her *ehem* husband was soooo.. nakakainggit. Their kissing scenes OMG! I mean it's Xu Kai of course the kissing scenes are intense. Haha! Okay, speaking of.. to the husband now. At first I was confused. I mean hello, this is Xu Kai baby, how can he have a role with this kind of life? I mean he's not successful or anything. He's still living with his parents and just doing work at home. But hey, don't judge the character by what you see.. he's a genius stock analyst and he can make money just by staying at home and doing stocks. It's a happy ending tho, he got a real job (thru a billionaire, no big deal) and I got to see the sexy Xu Kai in tuxedo anyways. Haha! If you want a romantic drama, definitely watch this. Now I'm patiently waiting for his costume dramas. I mean he have like just three upcoming---no big deal. No it is!!!
PHOTO WARNING: INTENSE KISSING SCENES OVERLOAD. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
Tumblr media Tumblr media
0 notes
sweetmotherof · 3 years
Text
Haikyuu Fics: The Classics™️ (pt 2)
PART 1
I already thought of more, and I didn’t want my first part to be super long, so here is a part 2!! I’ll probably make another couple of parts because I know I missed some. So again, please comment if you have any recommendations for me to add, it’s highly appreciated. Also, just some housekeeping, please mind the tags and go give the authors some love and support!! I hope you guys enjoy!! (My summaries are super bad for this one so just look at the summaries for the work or ask ahah id be happy to elaborate)
*contains nsfw fics, so please read the tags*
⭑=my faves
TSUKKIYAMA
~quick deanpendragon spam (they are the mastermind of tsukkiyama fics read all of their stuff pls)~
campfire in your chest by deanpendragon
M, 74.4k words
This is the classiccccc slowburn, childhood friends to lovers, slowburn through high school fic. With an amazing plot, beautiful writing, and stunning characterization, if you like Tsukkiyama at all, you should literally just read it. It’s just....perfect.
the certain things we lack by deanpendragon⭑
M, 89.6k words
AHHHHHHHH STOP DON’T TALK TO ME IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS. no no no it’s so good like should be published good. It’s Kei-centric, and him and Yamaguchi are so <333 ugh i can’t stop. High school au, canon compliant, getting together yeah yeah yeah but the writing is.....i’m speechless it’s so good. Something about it connected with my soul and the writing, i can’t stop the writing is so good. If you like to read, like you just appreciate the art of literature, read this read this read this. 
blue summer sky by deanpendragon⭑
T, 32k words
Deanpendragon, take all of my money. You deserve it after this one because, oh, oh MY GOD it’s so good. Yamaguchi working in a pet store. Tsukishima working in a music store. Right next to each other. STOP READ IT NOW YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. It’s Yamaguchi’s POV and his like stream of thoughts is SO relatable oh my god. It’s too good. This is hands down one of my fave fics so,,,,, u should read it. Also, it’s a series so, thank you for that one.
~~~~
Stoplights by 5yenwish(iamacamera)
E, 48.6k words
Something about Tsukkiyama authors, I would literally ask the president to get you ppl published because JESUS we do not deserve these works for free. I mean, this is just Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, and Karasuno being VULGAR and hilarious, and it’s like,,,,you have to have a certain type of humor to enjoy this. If you don’t like sex jokes AVOID this fic, but I loved this SO MUCH. The writing, ughhhhhh the writing is horrifyingly good. I kinda just really want to pay this author money because you made my life smmm better. On Hiatus tho,, probs forever so <//3 STILL READ IT
MATSUHANA
boiled frogs by reginagalaxia⭑
E, 91.5k words, cw: EMOTIONAL ABUSE, mental health issues that come with that
SAD BOY HOURS ughhh. This fic is so angsty and hurt so bad to read,,,,,,but so,,,,goood. Of course it’s depressing, it’s Hanamaki, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi watching Matsukawa be in an emotionally abusive relationship, all the while Hanamaki is in love with him,,,, eyeroll it’s very hard to watch. But, the writing is amazing, the plot is painful but good, so if you’re considering, you definitely should read.
rated m for by orphan_account
T, 10.6k words
Voice acting au. The most beautiful voice acting au ever. I love Matsukawa and I love Hanamaki, and you should definitely read this because it’s so funny. The writing is so good, the plot is so funny, and I love to laugh my ass off and this fic is funny lol. They act in a BL even though they hate each other. PLS READ IT AHAHHAH.
plus one by orphan_account
G, 6.1k words
This is the cutest lil getting together fic that so adorably fluffy it hurts. If you want to come down from, oh let’s say boiled frogs ahahhaha plug (look above lol), this fic will literally rot your insides with how cute it is. It’s quick, easy, and a fun time at a wedding, so if you just want some matsuhana for bedtime or something like that (?? what am i saying lol) then I definitely recomeend this one.
DAISUGA
Open Tab by Mooifyourecows⭑
E, 541.5k words, cw: anxiety, breakdowns (not that bad, but some parts made me feel a bit on edge so I thought I’d let u all know)
The longest fic I’ve read, and worth every second. I BINGED this mf, like in a couple of days lol and it’s so good. Artist Suga, bartender Daichi, gay panic and basically all of the other main haikyuu characters lol,,,,, read it if that sounds interesting. I think this is probably the staple Haikyuu longfic, so you should definitely check it out at one point or another. Also, it’s SO funny and the writing is rlly good. Oh, and it’s a SLOW BURNNN.
bell, book, and candle by skittidyne
M, 762.9k words, cw: blood, swearing, violence, minor body horror, death, anxiety/anxiety attacks/panic attack (part of the author’s warning)
I’ve seen so many people recommend this one, so I thought I’d include it in this recommendation, even though it’s focused around a lot of the ships, not just daisuga. It’s a supernatural hunter fic, and even just the summary is super captivating and interesting. If you like fantasy, mythology, or anything of the demons and magic sort, you should definitely check this one out. There is also some ~~magical~~ romance.
Cardboard Castles by valiantarmor
M, 18k words, cw: homophobia, mental strain that comes with homelessness
For the sake of your guys’ brains, I included this shorter fic that you could definitely complete in a short amount of time. Basically, this is about coffee barista Daichi, and how he meets Suga, who is secretly homeless. And romance blooms, of course. I definitely recommend this one if you want a short, kind of angsty, but happy ending read.
KYOUHABA
Police Dog by surveycorpsjean⭑
E, 34.9k words
This fic is so so sooo good. I usually stray away from like shifter, werewolf type fics, but this one handles the trope so so so well. I love the kyouhaba dynamic and this fic exemplifies it without making it too cliche. The premise of the fic is Kyoutani is a dog shifter and Yahaba is a police officer. I really had a great time reading this and I definitely think that you should check it out ahhah.
Close to the Chest by darkmagicalgirl
T, 61.1k words, cw: HOMOPHOBIA LIKE BAD (not violent but very internalized and prevalent) 
Yahaba and his self-acceptance journey,,,,ughhhh im crying. This fic is vvvery emotional and filled with angsty self-hatred that makes me :(((. but BUT its worth it because watching him grow :’) and find love in Kyoutani. it’s very warm and happy at the end. If you want a CLASSIC coming of age set in high school and very gay so <33 pls check it out. The plot and writing are really well done and it is a work of art srsly.
364 notes · View notes
herstroywritten · 3 years
Text
Magix Inn: One bed, one shirt, two idiots in love
OK. Confession time: I LOOOVE tropes. All of them. The oh I’m so cold and I don't have a jacket, so you gave me yours. Oh no, we’re paired together and I don’t like that. Oh look, we have to stay in this hotel together and (*cure shocked face*) there’s only one bed! All of it. Like, ALL of it. And when it’s done well... Ughhh, my heart can barely stand it. (If you want an A+++ example of it, go ahead and read Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo and watch the new Shadow and Bone adaptation on Nextflix. Helnik serves all the tropes in all the best ways.) Anyways, my point is that that’s all this is, and I am fully aware of that. I needed more of these tropes with Rivusa, so here we are. Enjoy.
She's going to kill them. Every single one of them. And she was going to make it as painful and slow and agonizing as she could. Now that she knew how to extract mind control, she figured she could easily learn how to enact it. She would learn to do it overnight. She would! And she would most definitely use it on every single one of her suitemates, no moral obligations holding her back. In fact, she was doing them a favor by not opting to do it with her knives, the ones she'd begun training with a month ago or so. She was going to do it, no hesitation- 
"You can take the bed."
Riven's words snapped her out of her fantasies. She forced herself to finally turn and stare at him. He was already standing in the middle of the room they had been assigned. The room that had a single king sized bed in the middle of it. There was a small window on each side of the head board, with thick tattered curtains covering the view of the barren land outside. A couch was positioned to the right of the bed, a door stood just a few feet above it. There was no dresser in the room, no closet. 
Not exactly a five star hotel, she thought to herself. But then again, they were in hiding from a psychopath who thought herself to be the future ruler of the world, not on vacation. The cracks on the walls and the dust that could be seen covering every surface fit the murderous mood of their escape so much more than a nice cozy bedroom. 
Musa wondered how Stella was holding up. Bitterly, she hoped that she was hating it. Served her right for leaping at the chance to spend the night with her ex-bodyguard instead of opting to share with one of the girls. 
It had been a long night of traveling and by the time Dowling, Silva, and Harvey had finally located their destination, the whole group was practically a squad of walking zombies struggling to maintain awareness long enough to not fall asleep while standing up. After escaping Alfea, they had trekked through the woods continuously for 36 hours straight, needing to get as far away from the school as possible without using magic for fear of giving away their plan. 
Their little group had been led by Professor Harvey, who somehow knew exactly where they were headed without using a map to navigate through the veils of greenery that they had bypassed. How, Musa wasn't sure. It all looked the same to her, and quite frankly after a while she seriously considered the possibility that they were just walking in circles. Sam and Terra had followed behind their father, pointing out harmful weeds to avoid touching or stepping on for the rest of the group. The rest of the girls had followed their orders, Bloom and Sky leading the charge, then Brandon and Stella, Aisha, Musa, and Riven. Dowling and Silva followed a few feet behind, making sure that no one was following them as they went. Needless to say, the journey had been endless and there seemed to be no end in sight. The students had been unsure of where they were headed, as the professors had refused to divulge any sort of extra information unless it was explicitly necessary.
In the end, they had walked out of the woods and into an abandoned city. White bricks and cracked cement littered the ground that they passed through, exerting great effort to not step on any broken shards of glass and cut themselves. 
"Aster Dell" Bloom had whispered when she had seen the jagged outline of the town. Professor Harvey had nodded his head at her words, verifying their truth, and that had been that. No one spoke and no one asked the millions of questions that swarmed their minds. How were they able to see this place? Wasn't Queen Luna supposed to have it covered up? Why were they even here? Wasn't this a little too obvious of a hideout? Musa's curiously was running high, but her desire to just sleep was even greater so she had just followed right along as the professor led them through winding streets and in front of a rundown building that seemed to barely be holding onto its hinges.
Dowling had broken the silence, "Welcome to Magix Inn, or what's left of it. We'll make camp in here for the night."
Turns out Magix Inn was just that, and inn. And a tiny one at that, just ten boarding rooms to offer. Each boasted a king sized bed and minimal furniture. Unfortunately, the four rooms located on the south side of the building had been completely destroyed in the wreckage, so they were left with six to pick from. Dowling and Silva had taken the one at the very beginning of the eastern hallway, for security measures. For that same purpose, Professor Harvey had taken the one at the very end of the corridor, and Sam joined him. Sky had insisted he stay with Bloom for the night, attached to her as he had been for the last 36 hours, fearing that she would lose control of her magic again. No one bothered to mention that there was nothing he could really do if that happened again, they just let the couple slip into the room diagonal from Dowling and Silva's. Their door had barely closed before Stella had basically dragged Brandon into the room next to theirs, shouting over her shoulder "Good night everyone!" That left Aisha, Terra, Musa, and Riven. And two rooms. There had been an awkward silence, during which the girls looked back and forth between the three of them, daring each other to make the first move. When Aisha scooted slightly closer to Terra, Musa knew she was about to lose. Frustrated, angry, and just plain tired, she'd huffed and spun around to face the devil himself.
"Well, would you look at that?" Riven's grin was basically a smirk as he cocked his eyebrows in her direction, eyes roaming up and down the whole of her, his usual form of acknowledgement when it came to her. "Looks like we're playing roomies for the night." For some reason, he did not sound very disappointed at that idea. 
"Not another word," Musa had growled at him, before making her way to the room second to last from the end of the hallway. In any other scenario, she would be happy that he was choosing to speak to her again but right now she couldn't be bothered.
And now, here they were. In a room. Alone. With one bed. Two sets of curtains. A couch that was definitely too small for either of them to sleep in comfortably. One door that led to the bathroom. Oh, and did she mention the one bed? 
She finally stepped away from the doorway, letting the heavy wooden door lock behind her. As she crossed the room and headed for the bed, she couldn’t help but notice the dust that kicked up at her feet as she walked on the oriental rug that had to have existed for at least 16 years and who knows how much longer before then. The idea of sleeping here was almost revolting, but at this point she would give anything for a place to lay down, so whatever. They'd fought monsters and survived, they could outlive a bit of dust. What she might not be able to outlive, however, was sharing a room with the specialist standing behind her.
She dropped her backpack on the bed, choosing to ignore the dust that resurfaced with the motion, and turned to face him. 
"Yeah, no. As much as I would love to watch you try to squeeze into that tiny little couch, it would be extremely cruel of me to make you do that after a day and a half of constant walking. Plus, it's a king sized bed. I don’t need all of it. We'll just share." She hoped that came out as causal as it sounded in her head.
Riven's smirk, the one that hadn't left his face since the sleeping arrangements had been decided, grew even wider at her words. "I suppose, if you insist. An Alfea gentleman would never ignore a lady's wishes, after all." 
She scoffs at him. "I doubt you would count among the gentlemen of Alfea."
"Oh, I don't know. I've been told I have a way of outdoing myself when it comes to ladies' requests. Especially in the bedroom." He's eyeing her from the corner of his sightline as he makes for the bed, dropping his own bag diagonally from hers. She's suddenly flushed, from anger or blushing she's not sure. But she's not about to give him any ideas.
"We are not, I repeat NOT, completing any sort of requests tonight." She narrows her eyes at him, her voice strong and unwavering. It surprises her, the sheer strength behind those words because honestly it's the opposite of what she wants to say. The opposite of what she wants to do.
"Whatever you say." His statement is short, filled with hidden messages. He shuffles through his bag as she shuffles through her thoughts, watching him and biting her tongue so that all her questions don't come tumbling out. 
He heads for the bathroom, and once she hears the door close, she pulls out her phone.
"Hello!" Aisha's voice is all cheer and chuckle on the other side of the line. Musa thinks she can hear Terra's giggle in the background, too. 
"I'll kill you." Musa's reply is a lot less cheery and a lot more lethal.
"Oh, come on!" It's Terra's voice this time. "We're practically doing you a favor. You should be thanking us."
"I'll kill you. All of you." She repeats it, just to make sure they're really catching it.
"Musa, love, you know this has to happened at some point." Aisha's words are calm. "We're headed into a war. We're running away from school. We're going to have a lot more shit to deal with in a couple of hours, and you're still not in the right mindset for all of it. You’re in a completely different world. If you're so worried about it, just ask him. Better yet, just tell him."
"I don't know what you're talking about, " Musa mumbles angerly.
The sighs that she hears from the other side of the conversation tell her just how little Aisha and Terra believe her. It's silent for a second, and Musa can just feel the two girls going back and forth on who's turn it is to confront her. Terra's sweet voice comes through the phone after a few seconds, "Musa, we're not going to tell you what to do. It's not our place. But we will tell you what we see, because you're our friend and we love you and want you to be happy-"
"Terra, we're heading for a war. There is no happy in war." Musa's voice is monotone. 
"Musa," her name is a warning on Terra's lips, a sign that she's used this excuse before and it hasn't worked. "Look, I know you like him. I know it's weird between you two. You had to go digging into his brain to break him out of a spell and he didn't appreciate that, but quite frankly, I don’t think he appreciated being Beatrix's little pet and Rosalind's spy either. So he can be bitter and mad about it all he wants, you did what you had to do to save his ass and ours."
"That's the problem though. He's no longer mad about it. At least, I don’t think he is. He's talking to me. Like, now that we’re in the room. He hadn't even looked at me since the I broke that stupid spell…" Her voice drops at that last sentence. 
"That's good. Right?" Aisha's voice is a mix of encouragement and confusion. 
"Since when are you in on this, Aisha? I thought you hated the guy?" Now Musa's just curious. How did they even get into this situation in the first place? How did she get here, sharing a room with a boy that has one too many demons on his shoulders and whom she's embarrassingly crushing on?
Aisha's reply is quick and defensive. "Oh, I still do. But, he's still Sky's bff or whatever and he's still your…" There's a pause that follows that particular thought and Musa takes the time to wonder how Aisha is going to finish that sentence.  "You know what, I don't really know what he is. But he helped you train and you two had something going before, well, before he started disappearing to go do Rosalind's dirty business. Plus, for some unknown, godforsaken season, you're into him. As your friend and roommate, I feel the need to support all your dumb choices, within reason of course. So, yeah. I guess I'm in on whatever this is too."
"You sound like Stella." Musa's mouth quirks into a smirk as she picks up Aisha's groan from across the line.
"Don't remind me. Pretty soon, I'll start swooning over ex-bodyguard-turned-teammate Brandon too." They all get a laugh out of that line.
"God, I'd pay to see that. Poor guy has his work cut out for him, I wonder what they're doing right now." Terra's inquiry needs no answer, but Musa feels the need to comment on the situation at hand. 
"I can't believe she did that! She just left us! You know what, she's the first one I'm killing. You two can pick between second and third place."
Aisha chuckles at her words before a yawn overtakes her and she replies, "Alrighty, it's bed time. We've got a long day tomorrow. And, Musa, just do it. Just talk it out and get it off your chest. You don't want to leave things unsaid, not when we don't know what tomorrow brings. You've already played that game before and it was not fun." Aisha's right, of course. Musa has played that game before.
Right before Riven disappeared, they had been training together for a while, which had somehow turned into them having lunch together on the daily, which had then turned into secret meetings at night in the greenhouse. They'd both needed some alone time, to catch their breath and just marvel at their messed up lives and all the fucked up shit that was going on. And for some reason, his little quips and their constant banter had become her new safety net, a web of comfort and solace, something she hadn't had since Sam and her started drifting apart. But unlike Sam, who was all calming waters and steady footing on a gentle boat, Riven had been all of the tumultuous oceans in the worst of weathers. She never really found her footing in the storm that was Riven and his thoughts, and that had brought her a comfort like no other. In a world where all they had was scheduled to the minute thanks to Rosalind's insane regime, his inconsistent thoughts had drawn her in. She'd wanted to break him open, tuck herself into the blanket that was his mind, and lay there until his emotions numbed both her and him. And, then, somewhere between aching to be numb and heavy innuendos, she had found herself staring at him more often than she should and thinking about him in ways she knew would do her no favors if she let them continue. But, she let them continue. And pretty soon, his loud emotions weren't just comfort and she didn't just want to drown in them. No, at that point, she had wanted to dive deeper into them so that she might try and shift through them. Try to untangle his deepest fears and settle them. To mold her own pain into the shapes that formed the cracks of his heart, so that she could somehow fit him and be a comfort for him in the same way he was for her. She'd wanted it so bad. So, so very bad. And she'd almost said so, too. Too bad Rosalind had chosen that day to start using the spell she had placed on him months before.
Aisha's voice pulls Musa away from her own thoughts. "Hey, Musa? You still there?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry. Just dozing off a bit, it's been a long day."
"Ugh, tell me about it. Look, if you two won't talk it out for yourselves, do it for us. We're all on edge with all the sexual tension that's coming off of you two."
"Aisha!" Terra's voice sounds horrified. "Actually, she's not wrong. As Stella so kindly suggested, you two might want to just fuck it out. See if that helps break the ice."
It's Musa's turn to be horrified now. "Terra! You did not just say that! And we are NOT fucking anything out!" 
Her friends, however, don't give her the satisfaction of listening to her defense. "Goodnight Musa!" And with that the phone call ends and she's left listening to silence and feeling even more agitated than she did when she first called them. She screams and throws her phone across the bed, watching as it haphazardly hangs from the corner of the white duvet. 
"Now what's all this about fucking?" Riven's voice nearly sends her digging her own grave. Great. Just great. Of course he chooses now to make his way back into the room.
"Nothing." Her rely drips in venom as she makes a point to angerly dig into her bag and pull out her toiletries. She pushes past him and into the bathroom before he gets the chance to question her again. She worked quickly to strip herself of the heavy layers she had on, and into a long white t-shirt that she often wears to bed. She had forgotten to pack a pair of shorts, as she usually just took them off and slept in her underwear. For a second she considered wearing jeans to bed, but she decided she wasn't about to sweat to death for Riven's sake. He'd seen naked girls before. Plus, if it wasn't jeopardizing her modesty, she doubted it was harming his innocence.
When she came out, however, she started to question her decision. The second she stepped out of the bathroom, Riven's voice greeted her.
"So, now that you're done hiding," he started, scrolling through his phone in nothing but a set of sweatpants. "Do feel free to explain to me who's fucking who, besides Brandon and Stella." He'd looked up then, and that had been their demise. His eyes had gone to her face first, but she'd watched as they moved downward in a slow motion, as if he was committing every bit of her body to memory.  She understood now why girls raved about him, because if he gave them all that look… well, Musa supposes they would all feel exactly how she is feeling right about now. 
Oh, for god's sake. Why her? 
She waits for the comment she knows is coming.
"Please tell me you're not planning on sleeping in that." Well, that's not what she expected.
"What?" She raises an eyebrow at him.
"You need to put on something else if we're really not completing any requests tonight." He's still staring at her legs as she chokes a laugh at him and makes her way to her side of the bed.
"Get your head out of the getter, idiot. I can sleep in whatever I want and you can handle yourself. You'll be fine." 
"I know you can sleep in whatever you want. Me controlling myself, that's where our issues start, love. You have a little too much faith in me." He catches her eyes and quirks an eyebrow her way as she shuffles to unhook her bra from behind and slips it off under the shirt she's wearing before throwing it on top of her other clothes. "For fuck's sake, are you serious right now?!" Honestly, she was going to keep the bra on before she saw his reaction to her bare legs, but at this point they’re so far in over their heads that she might as well pull out all the stops. His continuous reactions are just icing on top of the cake.
"Oh, absolutely." She's smirking at him, eyes dancing with mischief as he stares at her full of lust. She laughs as she tucks herself into the covers. "Relax, I'll keep my underwear on." His face is heating up, frustration evident in the line between his brows and she longs to reach over the expanse of the duvet and press her thumb to the space between his eyebrows and smooth it out. She doesn't. 
"This isn't fair," he protests.
"Says the guy who's shirtless right now," comes her reply.
"That's not the same thing and you know it." His voice is strained and she's eager to see when it'll snap, when one of them will finally just admit defeat.
"Isn't it? The feminist in me disagrees."
"Don't. Don't you dare take that stupid shirt off." His hands are shaking as he points a warning finger her way, and she laughs. She's enjoying this way too much. But she knows if she keeps it up, he'll keep true to his word and she won't push him away, and frankly that thought should scare her. Instead, she finds herself wondering how many buttons she can push before he caves.
"Turn off the lights and come to bed Riven." Her voice is light now, no longer teasing. He watches her snuggle further into the covers, eyebrows still furrowed at her and she can practically hear the turmoil in his mind. "Ugh, honestly, calm the fuck down. Your emotions are so intense right now, it's hurting my brain. I promise I'll keep the shirt on. Now, come on. Come to bed."
He mumbles something about staying out of his mind, but he closes the small lamp by his bedside and crawls into bed beside her. Well, calling it beside her is a bit of a stretch as he's practically at the edge of the huge bed. She huffs at his child-like manner and rolls her eyes at him.
"Seriously, Riven? I thought you'd be jumping at the chance to get a girl into bed and here you are avoiding me like the plague. You know I don't bite, right?"
"Whatever," he mumbles. She finally turns to face him, reaches her arms across the mattress and digs her fingers into the waistband of his sweats, tugging him closer to the center of the bed. He jumps at the feel of her hands on his bare stomach, his breath catching at this throat as they now stand face to face and mere inches away from each other. She watching his eyes as they take her in, and she's vaguely aware of the fact that this is too intimate. This moment is exactly what she was trying to avoid, but she can't bring herself to care. So, instead she takes this time to study the green of his eyes. In the dark, they're illuminated by the thin sliver of moonlight the peeks from between the curtains of the window on her side of the bed. They're dilated, more black than green, but she can just make out the color around the edges or his iris. Hazel on the inside, and impossibly green on the outside ridges. She remembers when she was younger, she'd once told her mother that she wanted interesting eyes, by which she meant she wanted blue or green eyes. Something other than her brown orbs. In a way, she was vainly excited when her powers had come in and her eyes started to glow lavender and purple. How naïve she had been, how stupid. She knows now, looking into Riven's eyes, that interesting eyes had no color attached to them. Interesting eyes were ones that held stories, emotions. And Riven's eyes held so many stories, and so many emotions. They gave him away, at least to her they did. She swears that even without her powers, she would be able to feel the pain, the hurt, the mischief, and (right now) the undeniable want by just looking into his eyes. The want is especially pungent. She hopes he can see the want in her eyes too. She bitterly thinks to herself that her girls are right, the two of them are hopeless. They've been cascading through this thing between them, her and Riven, and after she broke his mind control, he'd refused to look her in the eye, let alone talk to her. 
They stand face to face with each other for a while, before she finally ducks her head below his chin and tucks herself against his collarbone. She feels him tense below her (feels her own breath catch, fearing that he'll push her off) before he relaxes a little and his breathing slows down. She listens to his heart beating beneath her, and the pounding of it against her ear lulls her mind into a peaceful state. Once she feels like she can finally breathe normally again, she works up the nerve to ask him the questions she's been meaning to ask for about two days now. 
"Are you angry?"
He pulls away from her, just enough to look down at her. But she won't look at him. Instead, she traces his collarbone with the tips of her fingers, burning holes into it with the intensity of her gaze. 
"Angry?" He sounds genuinely surprised. 
"Yeah," her reply comes in a whisper. Tears are welling in her eyes, but she refuses to let them slip as she continues to bore into his skin. 
"Why would I be angry?" 
"Don't." She doesn't want to say it. Doesn't want to be sorry for what she did, because she's not. She's not.
"Don't what?"
"Don't make me say it." It's a whimper this time, her voice threatening to crack along with her heart.
"Musa," he lifts her chin up. "What is going on? Why would I be angry at you?" She stares into his eyes again and curses the gods above for making her do this.
"Because I had to go into your mind. I had to dig around and manipulate it. I know you've never liked that about my powers. I know that it's no better than what Rosalind and Beatrix did to you. I know that, but I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry, Riven." She says it as though she's trying to convince herself. A deep breath, and then she's talking again. "I'm not sorry because it freed you. So, I'm not sorry about my powers or about what I did." She notices the line between his brows growing more and more as she speaks, and this time she does reach across the space between them and smooth it out with the pad of her fingertip.
She's not expecting an answer, but she was hoping for one. And as the silence between them grows, she figures she has overstayed her welcome. 
As she moves away from him, his arms snap into motion. They wrap around her waist, pulling her back into him. She squeezes her eyes shut as his scent engulfs her once again. 
"I'm not angry." His words, mumbled against her hair, are the final straw. Her tears come ripping through her body, unwelcome but inevitable. She hates this, hates crying. She's not a quiet crier. When she cries, her whole body cries with her. She shakes, she hiccups, and her breathing speeds up. There's no way he doesn't feel it. 
"Musa, really, I'm not angry. And hey," he's pulling away again, gently pushing her back so he can look at her face when he says the next words. "For the record, you are NOTHING like them. Nothing. Do you hear me?" She hiccups and looks down. "You're not. I swear to you, Musa. You're not. And, just so you know, I don't hate your powers. Never have, never will." 
"But you said-"
"I know what I've said. It wasn't because I hate you, it was because I hate my own mind." He pauses, looks away from her as if trying to work up the courage to continue. "Sometimes…  a lot of the time… I can't stand myself. What I hated was the idea of anyone, especially you, seeing all my bad parts. And fuck, Musa, there are so many shitty parts of me. So, so many. I mean, I've been helping Rosalind execute a war for months. Fuck." He chuckles a laugh with no humor behind it, looks up to the ceiling. "Fuck. I'm so fucking broken, Musa. And the idea that you felt that. God, I don't know…"
She watches him struggle, feels his inner turmoil. She finds herself wanting to sort out his feelings for him, mend his aches.
"Is that why you keep pulling away? From me, I mean?" She needs to know. She can't be imagining this thing between them, can't be the only one with her heart on the line right now. He moves so that he's looking at her again, but doesn't answer her right away.
"You're good, Musa. You're so fucking good. Nothing about you is bad. You're good, and you're smart, and you're fucking gorgeous." She feels her heart flutter at his words, her hopes taking flight and jumping to the sky. She wants to scream with joy, wants to kiss him. But his words are laced with a treacherous kind of tone, she can feel the desperation in him, and just as quickly as her excitement came, it leaves.
"I can't do this, Musa. I can't do it. Not to you. You deserve better than this." He's pulling away, and her heart is sinking.
"Better than what?" She sits up as he gets out of the bed. He walks to the end of the bed, looks at the door that leads to the hallway. She can feel him pulling away, wanting to leave.
"Better than what, Riven?" She's louder this time, angry that he's pulling away again after all she's told him.
"Me!" The intensity of his voice causes her to jump back. "Ok? Better than me!" His body is shaking, and so is hers. Because honestly, how dare he?
"And who are you to decide what I deserve?"
"Fuck, Musa. We're not doing this. We're not playing at this game." She feels like she's being scolded, as though she's a child he's refusing to answer to. 
"You don’t get to decide what I deserve, Riven. And you sure as hell don't get to decide what I want-"
"And what do you want, Musa?" His words stop her. "What do you want? Because I have been racking my brain for so fucking long trying to figure out what it is you want. And as much as I think I have you figured out, I can't possibly be right."
She runs the question through her mind a couple of times, questioning how to answer him. She's tired of lying. Tired of wanting him when he's scared to want her back, of constantly being on edge around him. So she decides she might as well tell him. "You. I want you."
"No, you don’t." Fuck him.
"Yes, I do!" She's angry now.
"No."
"Yes!"
"Musa, no."
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?! Are we really doing this right now? Are we arguing about this like middle schoolers? You asked what I want. And I want you!"
"No, Musa, you don't."
"Why is it so fucking hard for you to accept it?! I want you and that's the end of it." She getting angrier as they keep going, and it furthers her anger that he's so calm about it. 
"You can't want me, Muse. You can't." The despair that she feels from him is intense and it, along with his nickname for her, knocks the breath out of her.
"What do you mean I can't want you?" She's trying to keep her voice down, fully aware of the thin walls and the fact that everyone else is probably asleep by now.
"Just… I'm not good. Not in the way the rest of you are. I'm a walking mess and I can't do anything without fucking it up." His voice is small and Musa can see the broken boy behind the persona he's managed to construct for himself.
"But I do, Riven."
"Why?" A broken question. 
She mulls it over in her head, chuckling. "Because, Riv, you've never been able to walk away from me and I've never been able to let you. We play games, you and I." They do. They ring around the rosies, a pocket full of kisses just waiting to spill out of their carefully constructed gates. "We circle one another, Riv, until we're both dizzy with desire and want and fear and fatigue… but we never break the circle. We never stray off path. You lean forward and I lean in, ready to give you my all, and then you pull back. And then we go back to the circle." It's a long metaphor and honestly she's not exactly sure if she's getting her point across. He watches as she pushes herself to her knees on the bed, shuffling closer to him with every word. 
"The circle is our game, Riven. You run, I chase. I run, you chase." She reaches for his hand. "I've never wanted to lose a game so badly." His eyes are on her as she pulls him back onto the bed. She leans in slowly, making sure that she maintains eye contact with him the whole time. She wants him to know she means it, all of it. She's not going anywhere. Her fingertips trace their way up his stomach, chest, neck, winding into his hair. They're millimeters away, noses pressed against each other, breaths mingling.
"Your move, Riv." And she feels her words break his concentration, just as his hands snap up to her body. It’s a quick movement, but his hands etch a trail of fire on her as the move roughly from her knees to the back of her thighs, up her back, and to the junction of her shoulders. When their lips finally meet, it’s anything but gentle. He bites at her lip, she gasps against him, and he takes the chance to tug on her bottom lip. She can't help the moan that leaves her, thoughts of the others already asleep leaving her mind as he does things with his tongue she didn't know were possible. He moves to her jaw, kissing his way downward as she cranes her neck back so that he has all the space he needs to do whatever he's planning on doing. She doesn't know what he's aiming for, but she knows what she wants him to do. She lets her hands fall to his pants, tugs them down. He moans against her collarbone and she swears she's going insane. She's burning but she's also shivering. She can't breathe and yet she feels like she's breathing for the first time in her life. 
"Shirt," she gasps. And then it's off of her, the one thing that he swore needed to stay on her if they were going to make it through the night. 
They spend the night doing everything they've avoided doing for months. He fills the silence with whispers of how gorgeous she is, and she feels her heart burst at its seams. They don't sleep, and she doesn't want to. This is better than sleep, she's never felt more awake than when he's tracing the lines of her body. 
He's resting on her chest, arms slung over her body as his fingertips play with the ends of her hair, when it hits her.
"I'm going to have to tell the girls that we did fuck it out." And as much as she hates the idea of her roommates being right, she thinks that maybe his laugh makes it all worth it.
39 notes · View notes
xlady-saya · 4 years
Text
I want this touch to be familiar [fic]
Relationships: andrew/neil, side aaron/katelyn
Summary: Deep down, Andrew knew he would always reach this crossroads, a time where the thought became too strong to ignore.
Going all the way with Neil. It's not something he can continue to avoid thinking about. When Andrew looks back to the days where he held Neil's hands down, when he never got off with him in the same room, he's forced to acknowledge how much he's allowed.
Not allowed. Welcomed. Wanted.
But that’s not all there is to it, and the desire to make a decision finally makes itself known.
Tags: first time fic, p*rn with feelings, relationship study, fluff and communication, multichapter 
Read on ao3! 
They're having a movie night when the idea sinks its hooks into Andrew's brain. He’s not blaming the Foxes, but their bad choices in films is the catalyst to a milestone Andrew didn’t think he’d have to deal with so soon.
In a swift motion, he brings the hand that's not on Neil's thigh to itch at the back of his own skull, unsettled. He almost thinks he should ban himself from these get togethers, if only to avoid these ideas from taking root. Though, if he's being more honest with himself for once, he'll admit it's not the first time it crossed his mind.
It's possible that's the problem entirely.
No, this idea is more comparable to a mosquito, swarming around in his head and beating against the grooves at random points in the day. It's so powerful, so persistent, it's like this one mosquito is a whole swarm, poking around the ridges in an indecisive process to figure out where it finally wants to dig in.
The movie night is just the point in which it finally latches on and doesn't let go.
It's a predictable action film; Andrew doesn't understand why every director in Hollywood keeps trying to recreate James Bond, but he stopped caring about the movie two minutes in. Neil is boneless and relaxed from the shower they shared after practice, fingers drumming beats against Andrew's wrists while his brow furrows at the film. It has enough explosions and suspense to keep Neil somewhat entertained, though Andrew suspects the focus is mostly due to Neil trying to pick apart the inaccuracies of it all.
Most of the time, Neil ends up staring at Andrew for a majority of the film. Andrew finds it easier to not mind in the darkness, where he can feel the brightness in Neil's eyes instead of actually seeing it.
Essentially, this is the only reason he comes to movie nights.
He's almost at the point where he's ready to ignore the thing completely, along with the Foxes’ scathing commentary, but then the scene comes on.
It's not hard to see coming, but as crude and rough as the Foxes are, their movies don't often include sex scenes. Andrew isn't usually bothered by this type of thing, but it does nothing for him. He's neither repulsed or intrigued; the man isn't his type (or Neil, his brain says, unhelpfully), and the scene isn't aggressive enough to feel like assault.
No anger or heat surges under his skin as the slow orchestra plays, the woman's dress falling to the floor in what he's sure is supposed to be a good shot but has been so overdone it's pointless. Suddenly there's skin, and chests, and the actress' loud gasps turn into louder moans.
It's obnoxious, how fake it sounds, the camera angle cutting to show just enough in between movements.
"Ughhh," Nicky groans, and Allison turns to give him a look. Nicky sags in his chair even further just to spite her, almost falling out of it. "Why do they always do this? I don't need to see two straight white people suck face and bone in every movie! What is this doing for the plot?"
Aaron's head perks up, and he pauses his mid mouthful of those stupid chips Katelyn got him. "What's wrong with straight white people?"
"Everything."
Matt raises his third beer of the night. "Cheers bro, I'll drink to that."
Aaron looks to the wall, as if it will offer him anything better than his current company.
Andrew's eyes fly back to the television, right at the moment the hero slots himself between the actress' legs.
The swarm in his head digs in.
Andrew's hands tighten in the couch cushion, but he keeps the hand on Neil's thigh steady so he won't notice. Neil can be so perceptive when he wants to be, when it comes to Andrew specifically. It's infuriating, sometimes. Andrew never asked to be known so well, yet here they are.
Neil cracks a smile at Nicky and Aaron's fighting, more fond of it now than anything, and Andrew tracks the curve of it with his eyes. On screen, the spy starts thrusting.
"It's romantic!" Allison counters Nicky's claims, and he chucks a pillow at her with a surprising amount of force. Some of the feathers float out.
"They met not even a day ago!"
Aaron's chips are forgotten, which is about as serious as his brother gets nowadays. "I think you've hooked up with dudes you've met within an hour, you asshole."
"This ain't about me."
It's at this point Neil decides to speak, his brow arching in a way Andrew is pretty sure he didn't do prior to starting their this. Andrew's eyes fly up to catch it, and he realizes he'd been admiring the slope of Neil's neck, the discoloration where his hair meets his nape. "Honestly Nicky, what right do you have to talk about plot? Didn't you make us watch that terrible beach movie last week just because you liked the actor?"
Off to the side, where they're trying to become siamese twins, Dan and Matt chime in with some 'ooo's and air horn noises. They’re loud enough to startle Kevin from whatever he’s texting Thea about, and Allison’s cackle follows. Renee’s smile has a slight sharpness to it, the evillest she can look nowadays.
Andrew can't be bothered by the antics; his focus keeps returning to the movie, and the fact is nearly enough to startle him. But he stays still, calm, and doesn't give anything away. It's the best defense he has for the war about to rage inside him. His mind, two seconds from overdrive.
"Et tu Neil?" Nicky sniffs, and then the actress has some kind of orgasm, since she makes a noise akin to a dying bird.
And, because when is it ever about the love interest, the man keeps going, chasing his own release. Andrew's throat feels scratchy.
Andrew spares a look at Neil's face, and finds the striker's attention divided between the screen and Nicky's ramblings. Andrew doesn't care about whatever Neil says in return, he's too set on the slide of Neil's tongue over his bottom lip, the heat of his skin under his palm. Andrew moves his hand more towards Neil's inner thigh, and his breath hitches when Neil's legs widen on instinct for him.
The idiot isn't even aware of it.
Andrew would only need to slide his hand deeper to graze the place where he and Neil could be connected, as close as they can get. He'd be able to work Neil open, savor the twitch of Neil's hips.
Neil is mouthy enough in bed with how they do things now. Would he be louder? Uncontained?
Andrew allows himself to watch the rest of the scene play out on screen, the two rehearsed 'rough' thrusts, the groan of pleasure. But this time, it's hard to be disinterested. It's hard to not let his mind, so gifted with spinning fantasies on account of his cursed memory, put him in the spy's place.
What would Neil feel like, he wonders. Tight and warm probably, strong legs locking around Andrew's hips until his ankles are crossed and knocking against his lower back. Neil can get so greedy sometimes, even with his obnoxiously high consideration for Andrew's boundaries. When he's allowed to take, he's desperate about it.
Would Neil let him go that far? No, would he want to?
Does he want--
Andrew stops the train of thought there, but doesn't cut the journey short. He has no choice but to be stuck here now, and thus, Andrew can no longer swat the idea away like the pest it is.
Going all the way with Neil. It's not something he could avoid thinking about after a certain point. When Andrew looks back to the days where he held Neil's hands down, when he never got off with him in the same room, he's forced to acknowledge how much he's allowed.
Not allowed. Welcomed. Wanted.
Bile rises in his throat on instinct, and he squashes it down. Sex with Neil is not something he needs to feel terrible about, and he doesn't. It feels the opposite of terrible, and Andrew hasn't worked through all those troublesome thoughts yet. He can't pin a label to it.
He remembers when jerking off in the shower, mouth pressed to Neil's, had felt like a huge thing to give. Now it wouldn't be enough.
Neil touches him now, Andrew asks him to touch. He's used to Neil's weight on top of him and his hands sliding suggestively over his abs, his biceps. His hands are used to resting comfortably over the curve of Neil's ass, grinding against him.
And it hasn’t stopped there. He's had Neil's mouth on him, his blue eyes on every part of him as the striker sucked him off after a particularly good game.
Andrew had shut down the goal, and the look in Neil's eyes had made him feel far too much. Overwhelming, dizzying.
So they'd taken the next step, not without hiccups, not without caution, but they'd done it.
And that's the thing with Neil; once they cross a certain line, it's a snowball effect. They're incapable of going back.
Neil blew him then for the first time and suddenly Andrew couldn't get the image out of his head, Neil's lips around his cock, trying to adjust to get the best reactions out of Andrew, to make it feel good.
Neil, so stupidly determined about everything he does.
And Andrew, the fool he is, got used to it. He never expected it, because routine was not a yes, and some days he preferred to not be touched at all.
But now, when Neil sinks to his knees or asks to jerk Andrew off, the initial anxiety Andrew might've felt months prior isn't there. It's been burned away into something more concerning, addictive.
Because Neil will stop if he needs him to.
So, Andrew let go, and the floodgates opened.
Shared handjobs turned into frequent blowjobs, which turned into heavy petting without clothes. Andrew feels stripped down, raw, with how much trust he's given this single person.
Every now and again, he searches deep in his soul for some ounce of disgust, regret for any of it, and it makes him angry to find none.
The only thing that does make him angry is how good it feels, a natural reaction Andrew can’t just drop cold turkey. Yet, his body doesn't just enjoy the progressions he and Neil have made together, so does his mind.
Again, he derails the train there, not willing to admit it, and returns to the thought of plowing Neil into their mattress.
It was only a matter of time before he ended up at this crossroads, only so far he and Neil could go before reaching the logical 'next step.'
But, it doesn't have to be a step at all if Neil decides against it. If Neil doesn't want to, they won't. The itch in Andrew's brain is mostly due to the fact they haven't discussed it. He has no idea how Neil feels, if he even thinks about it in the way Andrew does.
There hasn't been time, but Andrew knows if he's reached this point he has to bring it up.
He's not afraid to; he and Neil aren't like that. It's about framing it in a way Neil's exy-only brain won't read into it wrong.
He needs Neil to be able to say no if that's what he needs, he doesn't want to imply he wants this from Neil, that there's a pressure to take it there. Because as stubborn and rebellious as Neil can be, unwilling to be pushed around, Andrew is a weakness.
So, Andrew won't accept anything from him other than the absolute truth. 'Always' doesn't exist with things like this.
The movie turns back into a mindless explosion show while the fantasy in Andrew's brain is paused, mostly because indulging in it feels wrong at this point. If it's something that'll never happen, there's no point letting it play.
What he already does with Neil is enough, more than enough. Andrew never thought he'd ever be like this with anyone, and he's still not used to it. His pleasure during sex came from control in the past, on being able to dictate how it all went, to touch without being touched and have the person like it.
Neil turns everything upside down; where control once stood undefeated, something else sits, unmovable. White-hot, blinding desire.
A danger, unacceptable.
Andrew's eyes rest back on Neil and the heat coiling in his abdomen subsides, softened by the unruliness of Neil's bangs and the glow against his cheek. That's another problem too, about Neil. Desire isn't alone.
But, Andrew sets that issue aside for now.
Feeling Andrew's pensiveness, Neil turns his head, blinking so slow Andrew can see the flutter of his lashes. He nearly pushes his face away.
He's not sure what Neil sees in his analysis; Andrew knows he can't read minds, but it's unsettling and calming all at once to watch him trace the wrinkles in Andrew's face. He asks himself if maybe Neil can feel the itch too.
Neil hooks his fingers over Andrew's lightly, and Andrew realizes all too late how tight his grip on Neil's thigh had gotten.
"Okay?" Neil asks, and fuck him for doing so, for catching Andrew slip. He curses himself for slipping at all, or maybe the better term is falling.
Andrew taps Neil's hand once, twice, three times, and squashes the urge to kiss him.
"Yes," he says, and it's not a lie.
It's not a lie, and he doesn't have the energy to think about why that is. He just knows that soon, it will become a bigger problem. He puts it to rest.
Instead, he watches Neil nod and smile, and when Andrew finally turns back to the television, his brain gets to work on the words he needs to say, and knowing how they’ll probably come up short.
--
Andrew's mind is a vault mechanism. When one part of the lock is cracked, there's usually another waiting behind it.
He hasn't realized it yet though, couldn't possibly, with Neil rutting in his lap.
Andrew grunts as his nails dig into Neil's hips, where the brunet's sweatpants are dipping dangerously lower by the minute, a consequence of the force of their dry humping.
He's not quite sure how they got this carried away in the span of ten minutes, but all Andrew knew then was this wasn't a bad day, this was a day where Neil could pin Andrew to the couch without consequence.
So he let him.
Neil is shirtless, scars on display along with hard nipples and a twitching abdomen, the heat building and building.
Because of Andrew.
The position should feel stupid, immature, maybe even high school, but Andrew's brain is swimming with a pleasure comparable to nicotine.
It's nothing he thought he'd feel before, because the weight of someone on him never used to lead to good things.
"Fuck," Neil breathes, hips stuttering against Andrew's and wiping the dangerous path away before Andrew can even take a step towards it. Neil gives a rough jerk, barely able to fight Andrew's grip, but he prefers when Neil works for it. He doesn't let up, because he knows the striker is nothing but determined.
Neil whines, surging forward to pant into Andrew's mouth. He growls; part of him was enjoying the show and doesn't appreciate the interruption. The other part of him can't get enough of Neil's mouth, the wicked tongue pulling his out and sucking on it like it's another part of Andrew's body.
Neil is always so scatterbrained; he'd do it all if he could.
Andrew's breathing comes out heavy, wet, and they've fallen out of position quite a few times as a result of their desperation. Neil's clothed cock is barely grazing Andrew's now, but he doesn't have the will to stop Neil from moving so fast, so needy. There's a small wet spot forming against Andrew's pant leg, and he watches Neil fight to keep his head from lolling back from the dizziness of it.
It makes something smug burn through Andrew's chest, seeing Neil sigh and whisper incoherent nothings which don't amount to much more than 'yes' and 'more, Andrew, more.'
Andrew leans back into the couch cushions and bucks up, earning him a sound so Neil he can't take it. It's a cross between a gasp and a groan, devolving into another string of curses. At this point, Neil's pants are low enough to reveal the coarse hair of his groin, the criss crossing scars almost as tantalizing as the hardness pressing against Andrew's leg.
Andrew suddenly doesn't have enough hands. He's torn between pressing his palm over the scars, keeping Neil under his grip, or digging into Neil's hair to expose the column of his throat.
This is why this kind of thing can still get a bit overwhelming, but not in a discomforting way like it used to.
It's still fairly new, the dry humping. At first, it had started as slow and experimental grinding in the morning, Neil pressed up against Andrew's front while he rocked forward. The first time, Andrew had to stop, too taken by the newness of it, the unfamiliarity.
He hadn't had time to really pick it apart and think about why he was doing it or if it made him anything like them. If pressing Neil down and chasing his own relief didn't reveal something uglier about him.
By that point, he'd had Neil's hands on him on a regular basis, jerking him off and pulling him into his throat. Those things were becoming less daunting.
He's used to letting Neil get him off now, to getting off in front of him with his own hand. It's just...this is so much more shared, intense. Andrew isn't quite used to it, but the movie night sits heavy in the back of his head still, and he thinks it might make a little more sense now.
The process to get here had been the same, a slow evolution; they'd use grinding as a means to get worked up, to cause friction before moving onto blow jobs or heavy makeouts. It turned into a thing when Andrew didn't have the patience to separate from Neil for even a moment. Humiliating, but in the heat of the moment he hadn't thought twice. He remembered asking for his yes between biting kisses before humping Neil into their bed, and when he came, the rush had been blinding. The heat running through his veins carried all through his spine and down to his toes, intensified even more by Neil's body jerking against his.
Close, intimate.
And so very, very close to the real thing.
Before that thought threatens to ruin everything, Andrew bucks up again and Neil's moan blocks the path again.
Andrew is so hard it's painful.
Before Neil can press down in kind, Andrew tightens his hold until Neil can do little more than squirm, leaving them stuck like that, with Neil's hands making a mess of Andrew's hair and unable to give them the sweet friction. Andrew rubs circles into Neil's hip bones until he hears the sigh he's looking for.
Watching Neil blink, eyes blown wide in a desire fueled haze, makes Andrew lick his lips in anticipation.
Neil blinks down at Andrew, not really seeing, breath stuttering as he fights the grip. "H-hey--"
"Hey," Andrew replies, feigning innocence. It's not effective, when one of his hands snakes around to Neil's back, looking for any trace of discomfort or even a silent 'no.' When he finds nothing but want, he presses his fingers down onto Neil's lower back to force him forward. Neil's back arches like a cat, like Andrew pulls all the strings. "Move up."
Neil exhales shakily as he shifts, legs spreading and putting him back to where they initially started. Andrew takes the time to rid himself of his jacket, way too warm, and unzips his jeans to help the tightness.
Neil's gaze flies to the prominent bulge under Andrew's boxers instantly.
"Right there," Andrew says with his hands back on Neil's ass, squeezing the muscled flesh greedily and trying hard to avoid the thought of spreading him open like this. He aligns Neil so their cocks are settled against each other again. It's a struggle for them to stay still; Neil leans forward so Andrew's neck muffles most of his groan, and sucks on his pale skin. Andrew's voice is nothing short of strained when it comes out. "That's it."
Neil smiles when he pulls back, and Andrew has to look away. Idiot, always so pleased with proof of Andrew's unraveling. "Can I--"
"Yes," Andrew growls, and he meets Neil halfway. One hand flies to the back of Neil's neck, digging into the hair at his nape to pull him close again. His skin is scorching to the touch.
Neil doesn't hesitate. His hips move fast as his hands dig into Andrew's biceps, intent on chasing the orgasm for both of them. Small, jagged whimpers leave his mouth with every thrust, his cock brushing right against Andrew's. Neil is practically bouncing, and it doesn't take long for Andrew to realize he's moving too, just as fast, just as rough. The head of his cock pokes out of the slit in his underwear, smearing precum on Neil's pants.
"Oh fuck, fuck," Neil moans at the same time Andrew starts grunting with each jerk of his body, unconcerned with the volume. If anyone knows what's good for them, they won't be back early. Andrew's vision starts to blur, his movements less coordinated, breathing loud. He's close, so close and the heat pooling in his abdomen makes his head swim.
It should unnerve him, this lack of control, this animalistic urge to keep going, take and take. But Neil looks the farthest from afraid above him; he's matching Andrew in his entirety, grunting loudly and rotating his hips in just the right way for them to feel every inch of each other. His hands are dutifully clutching Andrew's shoulders, unwilling to move. Because Neil knows, he knows this is Andrew's most vulnerable moment, seconds from orgasm. No matter how close to the edge they are, Neil won't risk Andrew's discomfort, he won't let Andrew's pleasure be overridden by shock or the disregard for his boundaries.
Andrew hates him, he hates how Neil is the only one who will ever make him feel this way, because now no one else is good enough.
In more ways than sex.
Andrew snarls from the anger of it all, from how inaccurate it feels to call it that. He brings a hand up to wipe the sweat off Neil's brow, pushing aside his bangs so he can see those eyes for all they are, the ring of blue a bottomless pool Andrew no longer tries to escape.
Neil's mouth falls open from whatever look is on Andrew's face, and he's no longer able to keep his eyes open, throwing his head back as his orgasm rips through him. He trembles in Andrew's arms, and Andrew feels the warmth of Neil's cum against his cock, even through his sweats.
Andrew's arms lock around Neil's waist as he thrusts up harshly, and in the last split second before he comes, he imagines they're not just dry humping like dogs in heat. He allows himself to imagine he's inside Neil, that they're as close as they can possibly be, and it makes Neil feel good instead of pained.
Andrew comes, but it's with an unexpected dose of shame. Despite that, he comes hard. It's full body, enough to make his shoulders shake, his breath hitch. It's that same tingling sensation running over him, stronger at the points where he and Neil touch.
It doesn't make sense to him.
He hadn't meant to let his brain go there, to let the fantasy rear its ugly head again, but it had felt so...
He didn't have the right to think about it without Neil's yes, not in this case. Because it means some fucked up part of him craves it, needs to take it.
He won't, he won't do that. He knows he won't, but then why does it make his stomach swirl?
Andrew sighs before going rigid, and Neil must take it as his cue to separate. That's one thing which hasn't really changed, Andrew's need for space. It's gotten better, he can normally stay pressed against Neil for ten or so minutes, and it's weirdly comfortable. However, eventually his brain will begin to overthink or itch with a need for room, and he'll have to push away.
This immediate stiffness is unusual though, and Neil catches it so fast Andrew should feel vulnerable about it.
Neil goes still as soon as he senses something is off, and removes his weight from Andrew in a blink. He's never seen Neil move so fast away from him, not out of fear, but concern.
Neil is mistaken here though; he's not the one who's done something wrong.
Neil puts as much distance between them on the couch as he can, bringing his knees to his chest and only grimacing at the wet squelch of his pants.
His chest is still heaving, and part of Andrew finds excitement in that. He made Neil feel good, it's proven by his mussed up hair and swollen lips, the high blush. Neil waits, eyes scanning the lines of tension in Andrew's body, the soft parts of his face.
Andrew watches him for a long time as he thinks, trying to find evidence he's right, that he took it too far. Neil can't read his thoughts, but for a moment Andrew worries he can.
Did he feel it, Andrew's body claiming him, using him in a way Neil maybe has never thought of?
Andrew glares, but he knows Neil will be able to tell it's not at him.
Andrew is usually able to begin the long dissection of these issues in his own head, revealing the threads he can offer to Bee to pull at and untangle into something more manageable. But right now, he's at a loss.
They sit like that so long their breathing evens out, and only at that point does Neil reach out. He extends his hand forward, not commanding, but offering. Yes or no. "Andrew?"
Shit.
He hasn't moved in minutes. Time is never something he managed well in his head, always pulling him back to the past in a blink while the future pulled apart like dust, disintegrating before taking a full shape. He inhales shakily; Andrew hates to show so much, but this is Neil. They're alone. He scrubs a hand over his face in frustration, trying to bring it back to its blank state before he reaches out to pull Neil closer.
They're still not touching anywhere else, Andrew can't handle that yet, but it's enough of an acquiescence for Neil to understand the problem isn't him.
He moves to the cushion next to Andrew, his bare feet settling against the carpet as he waits for Andrew to say something.
And well, this is where he brings it up. There's no point in waiting, beating around the bush is useless and pointless and not something they're capable of doing.
Andrew's words come out blunt as ever as he stares into nothingness. "Before I came I thought about fucking you."
The harshness of the words, and how removed they are from any emotion should probably make any normal person flinch. Neil isn't just anyone.
Neil, for all his usual drama, doesn't react to that, and Andrew feels the ghost of relief. Once, Neil told Andrew his lack of reaction to otherwise terrible events made Neil feel better about them. Andrew hadn't really understood, but now he just might be seeing the logic.
Neil's gaze on him during their vulnerable moments typically makes Andrew want to jump out of his skin, far too exposed, but with this it's less difficult to plow forward. Neil stares at Andrew, as blank as he can manage, while still letting the curiosity furrow his brow.
Andrew wants to wipe off the sweat there.
He cracks his knuckles, mulling over the words and trying to find a way to say them where he won't have to admit too much. Unfortunately, it's impossible.
He scowls at the coffee table as he speaks, like the words are vile. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I haven't been able to stop."
Why can't he stop?
Because part of him can't help himself, is that it? He can't control himself, even after years and years of limiting every possible stimuli so he could.
If he sounds angry it's because he is; how dare Neil push him this far, so unintentionally. Yet even then, Andrew knows the blame is all on him. The irritated tremble in his voice should not fucking be there, just like the thoughts shouldn't be. He shouldn't have given ground enough to make such a confession, to make Neil think he's torn up and ugly.
Andrew should be a blank slate, but Neil is chips in the stone, splashes of paint which Andrew cannot scrub off.
He told Neil what he's always told Neil: the honest version of how he feels, even if he wishes he felt nothing.
Long before the movie night, long before he cares to remember, and he    remembers everything, he's thought of slotting their bodies together, of pulling Neil impossibly close so they're intertwined in every way.
At Andrew's aggravated scowl, Neil finally chooses to speak. The confusion is more obvious on his features now, the ring of blue reappearing and threatening to wash Andrew in waves.
"You don't have to stop," Neil says, like it's the simplest damn thing in the world.
What the hell does he know? He's not in Andrew's head, he's not--
"Neil--" Andrew almost growls, a warning Neil should be all too familiar with. Stop while you're ahead.
Neil is a very bad listener, with a short fuse to match.
"I think about it," the striker bites out quickly, almost challenging. Those blue eyes widen with the admission, rocking on the balls of his feet. Andrew's entire body freezes up, hell the world might have stopped for all he cares. Even Neil bites down on his bottom lip, as if to cut the words off, before realizing how stupid that would be. He knows how Andrew feels about regret, and he's not lying in this moment. Andrew would be able to tell. A few seconds of quiet pass, they hear some muffled music through the windows. Neil's voice is a silky whisper to his ears, despite how cracked it sounds. "I think about it too. So...there, stop putting this just on you. I think about it a lot so, you don't have to do...that."
It's so stupid, how Neil can remain so interesting even when Andrew's feeling this on edge. It's a welcome distraction for a second, before the words really sink in.
Neil thinks about it.
Viciously, Andrew steps on the small slug which resembles hope as it crawls through his brain. He ignores the mess in his pants as he turns to face Neil, sitting cross-legged on the couch.
Andrew raises a brow, daring Neil to elaborate on the that he's referring to.
"Hide it so I don't have to know," Neil supplies, waving his hand in the air. "Shoulder it all yourself like you always do. This way I've made it both of our problem."
Neil winces, no doubt scolding himself for the poor choice of words.
Andrew's face is back to a blank slate. "A problem, is it?"
That's certainly how he saw it, but having Neil echo the sentiment makes him feel more, which would be terrible enough, but the feeling isn't even good.
Neil's gaze is a freshly sharpened blade. "No. Not to me," Neil says, firm. "You know we don't have to, but--"
"But you think about it," Andrew echoes, unable to help it. The coils he tries to wrap around the realization are slippery and can't get a grip, so he repeats it. Neil thinks about it, the desire is shared.
What is he supposed to do with that information now? One step forward, two steps...somewhere.
Neil swallows, and the redness on his cheeks is oh so appealing to even Andrew's hazy mind.
Neil thinks about it.
But that doesn't mean they can just...do it. Andrew doesn't know if he can; the disconnect between what his body wants and what his brain can manage is a minefield and he's never wanted to scratch at gray matter so badly.
Briefly, he understands why Aaron values normalcy so much. Normalcy would allow Andrew to just be the horny college student he could've been, instead of having to deal with all these speed bumps and cones in the road to get to the ultimate goal. And even if he were to get there, there's a big chance he'd decide it's better to turn back around to prevent a crash.
But he is not Aaron, and he does not value normalcy.
He values--
"I do," Neil states, so understanding, and maybe a little flustered. Flustered, not scared, not unsure. "I like doing that stuff with you Andrew, but how it is now is good, more than good. Hell, that was so...wow. You know I've never felt this towards someone."
Neil's smile is so far away from what Andrew can handle he has to ruin it.
"Horny?" He says, and hates how even when he's deflecting the thought sends a shiver through him. The thought of Neil only wanting him, only giving himself to him. Andrew squashes the possessiveness, uncomfortable.
Neil gives him a look for that, but isn't deterred. "Technically yes, but you know what I mean."
Unfortunately he does, but that's even more uncomfortable to think about than the physical desire. Neil has never been shy about his feelings for Andrew, not since Andrew actually acknowledged their this and showed how he was going to make zero moves to push Neil away. Even if Neil did hold back his bluntness, he gives Andrew those fucking looks like he's the most amazing thing he's ever laid eyes on, not some delinquent with a crooked nose and a hostile disposition.
And still that can't be it. Neil's desire, like his feelings, are so intense they can't possibly be fake. The eagerness, the desperation with which he receives Andrew's advances...it's not the issue. Neil is trying to tell Andrew he doesn't need to feel pressured, like Andrew doesn't already know that.
He thinks he's getting closer to what his real problem is with it, but it's just out of reach. It's a shared desire, he checks that off. Neil thinks about it, another check. And Andrew...
No matter how he tries to kick it aside he wants it. His body craves it and his mind can't let it go. He wants and it's so nauseating in how it's not, instead it's light and tender and all things he is not supposed to be.
So, where is the issue? It's him, it's--
"Stop avoiding the truth," Neil says, and when Andrew looks back at him those pale blue eyes are intense, almost deadly. They pry Andrew apart, flaying the flesh from bones and seeing the rawness inside, like Neil has managed to pin down the anxious animal inside him with talons sharp as knives.
The words 'shut up' die on his tongue; what truth? What can Neil see that he can't?
Andrew doesn't have fears. He briefly entertains the idea that what bothers him is the fact Neil thinks about it and that means one day he'll really want it and won't be able to hold the urge back. If Andrew can't give it to him, if he decides he can't go through with this, Neil will be like everyone else, just someone who wants more than Andrew can offer. Then he'll leave.
But Andrew doesn't fear. And it would be stupid to fear; anyone who would leave for something like that simply isn't worth the time of day. Yet...yet...
Andrew thinks of life without Neil, and he remembers emptiness crashing down, an empty stadium, and true darkness.
Frustrated beyond all reason, Andrew retreats into the bedroom to change into clean underwear and sweats. There are no footsteps behind him, no annoyed sighs or disappointment in his wake. He hates how Neil knows how long he needs before following, how trusting he is, because he changes right in front of Andrew a few moments later, needing no boundary.
"There's no 'truth' in this to avoid," Andrew answers, delayed, as he tracks the curves of Neil's body, the scars making him feel safe and angry all at once. Angry at those who would hurt his person, safe knowing Neil doesn't shy away from the ugliness.
Neil shrugs as he sits on the bed, beckoning Andrew over. He follows, of course he does, it's automatic.
What he says isn't a lie; he hasn't figured out the truth of this. Neil grins at him, infuriating. "No, I just think you're avoiding thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I have no idea what you're actually thinking about, I'm not a mind reader. But if something else weren't bothering you I don't think you'd be this antsy."
"I'm not antsy."
"I told you, I'm the better liar so you should stop trying," Neil says with a smile, kicking his legs out in front of him. There's bruises on his knees from their last game. Andrew reaches out to press his palm against them, frowning at the yellowish color; there was no helping the fall, but Andrew had still checked him out afterwards. Neil sighs into the touch, leans into it, and it hits Andrew that this level of vulnerability he's been given is not something he's ever asked for, but he couldn't let go of if he wanted to.
Can’t let himself betray.
"I haven't made up my mind," Andrew says, not like he has to. Neil is normally good at knowing when Andrew isn't ready to give his final answer, but something about this feels different. It makes Andrew say as much as he can. "I don't know yet if I can do it."
What he thought would be devastating to admit aloud feels more like one weight has been shed. Neil doesn't even react, apart from prying Andrew's hand off his knee to trace the veins on his wrist.
"That's okay," Neil whispers, and there's enough encouragement in the tone to make Andrew growl.
"Shut up."
Neil freezes, his fingers hovering over Andrew's knuckles, and has the audacity to squint at Andrew. The man always did have a death wish. "It is."
Andrew turns away, in what to others would read as a clear dismissal, the cold shoulder. Neil has never cared to accept those things.
"Andrew," Neil says, and it's with conviction this time. No gentleness. "I'm not going to...leave if we never do it, I don't care about that, I just care about you. But if it is something you want, it's a yes--"
Fury spikes.
Andrew bites back the auto-response of 'I don't care if you leave' because it's a deflection he won't bring into this. He doesn't have time to keep that wall of his intact during a conversation like this. Neil will fight it and see through it and it'll waste their time.
But honestly, screw Neil for seeing through Andrew so easily. For pulling out fears that shouldn't be there and aren't, they aren't.
When Andrew turns his scowl on Neil, the striker doesn't so much as flinch. Andrew is here, giving away too much, showing too much, and Neil takes all of it.
"That doesn't have to be your final answer," Andrew stresses, voice tight, and this time Neil does have the decency to look surprised. Those pretty eyes soften with it, and Andrew sees the exact moment he puts something together which Andrew hasn't yet touched. "We don't have to. That goes both ways, I won't take that from you unless you're 100% sure so you better be and fuck you if you don't tell me the truth when the time comes. And it's not going to be you letting me, or doing it for my sake, or some other half-assed reason. If you don't want to, we won't. "
If I can't, I won't.
And the only reason he wouldn't be able to is if...
Andrew feels a stone settle in his stomach, and almost grins from how amazingly stupid this all is. Bee would be so proud, him getting to this point, on the cusp of figuring out what the hell is going on in his head.
All of a sudden Andrew is tired, too much energy pulled out of him, a war of emotions, all for him to come to the obvious conclusion.
It always comes back to Neil.
And Neil seems to have figured it out too; he stares at Andrew for a long time, scanning his face, giving him that look, the one which burns Andrew from the inside. Warm.
"The next time one of them says you're soulless, I might have to fight them."
All Andrew's words, and Neil manages to find the sliver of realness buried in it. For a moment, Andrew thinks Neil will let it go, for Andrew's sake. But, he should know better. They're no longer at that point, and Bee would call that progress, but Andrew doesn't know what to do with it yet.
All he knows is that if Neil thinks he can soothe any of Andrew's thoughts, he will, no matter how many times Andrew tells him he doesn't need it.
It's quiet, when Neil finally speaks. "You wouldn't hurt me," he whispers into the small space between them. Andrew hadn't realized they'd gotten so close, but there's his forearm, pressed right against Neil's. No wincing, no queasiness.
Andrew starts to turn away, and Neil risks blocking him with his hand. Andrew's vision is all blue, Neil's bangs such a mess he wants so badly to push them back again. "You wouldn't hurt me Andrew, if that's what you're worried about. You couldn't. I trust you. Of course I want to, but it's not a deal breaker. Stop treating it like one."
Andrew doesn't move, it's amazing he can even look at Neil, but he can't stop. There's so much he could argue in return, lots to prove wrong. Neil doesn't know anything about this, he can't possibly get it, or know what he's really giving Andrew, or what he’ll want in the future.
Their future; another subject to flood Andrew's brain. Too much at once, too much.
And yet, Neil is a deadly weapon, except with Andrew the slicing wounds give way to blooms instead of blood.
Neil strikes. "If you decide it's a yes, and I come back and say no, would it be a deal breaker for you?"
Andrew twitches from the mere thought, which is as good as a full body jerk. Neil could say he never wanted to have sex again and Andrew wouldn't push, he'd stay. "No," he seethes, unable to keep it out of his voice. Neil goes right for the throat every time, making one of Andrew's arguments null.
As for the other...
"I want to," Neil says, and for once, he seems embarrassed. It's a rare thing on Neil, the worried lip, the giddiness. Like he's excited. It's not even about the sex, he's pretty sure Neil did this when Andrew first held his hand too. Andrew's stomach flips itself over in half, the bastard.
"You wouldn't be taking either," Neil says, and Andrew flinches internally. Hurting Neil...he could hurt Neil, he could-- "We'd be...sharing, like we always do. So you can stop beating yourself up over my decision, and think about yours."
In Neil speak: Do whatever you need to do to figure out what you need, I'll be waiting.
Andrew hates the assumptions, mostly because they're right. This is not something he can resolve with one conversation. The thought of somehow ruining this for Neil, for making his first time something horrible, is too much for him to unpack this quickly. Who knows how long it will take him to reach a decision, or what the decision will be.
Yet, Neil's here, telling him he doesn't care how long it takes, or where Andrew lands at the end of it. He'll be here, now and after.
What percent is Neil even at? The millions maybe. Andrew's blood boils before it comes down to a simmer, then fades completely. Andrew never asked to feel, but Neil is wearing him down everyday.
The thought repeats: Andrew doesn't know how to stop.
He clenches his fists, grabbing Neil's shoulder and forcing him down onto his side to lie next to him. Words won't work for him anymore, and he's not capable of touching or even kissing right now. But it's a concession, a thing he is learning to give without despising the weakness of it.
Neil gives a small yelp but goes with Andrew willingly, not resisting. His curls fan out on the comforter, one decorated with cats that Nicky gifted them. Andrew sighs; Neil has yet to make any sense to him, even when the entrance to the messy path ahead of him has cleared.
He'll need as much rest as possible to figure this out. It's too early to go to bed, but after all this Andrew needs sleep, and he hates how Neil being next to him has become the new normal.
"I fucking hate you," he says in the small margin of space between them, and closes his eyes before he can be blinded by Neil's idiotic smile. "Go to sleep junkie."
Andrew's memory feeds him Neil's smile anyways.
Neil sighs across from him, and Andrew immediately feels drowsy, like it's a spell over him. He falls into it, not resisting.
As the world fades in and out, the most important thoughts stay afloat, and he embeds them in his head. They're less like mosquitoes now, more like additional grooves.
Neil wants it, Neil is ready. There's no sense in Andrew dwelling on that issue further for now, so he bypasses the first lock of his mind. Of course, he was never so optimistic to think that was the only thing holding him back, and Neil pulled that out of him too.
The big issue, the one holding Andrew back. The striker's words flood his mind, blurred and echoed. 'You wouldn't hurt me.'
But is that the truth? There's only one way to find out, and Andrew isn't sure if it's something he's willing to risk. Neil never was and never will be someone fragile, but that’s not the point. That’s not what Andrew means.
Just the realization he has the power to hurt Neil with this, the way Andrew was hurt…it makes him shy away from any attempt.
After all, he decided long ago he wouldn't risk losing Neil, not for anything, returning words said on rooftops. And yet…Neil makes him itch to prove those things wrong.
He's not sure yet where to go from here, but he pushes it aside to think about later. He has as much time as he needs. With the first lock conquered, the tension in his shoulders relaxes. Neil thinks about it, wants it. So can Andrew.
Just like that, Andrew finally concedes; he lets the idea of want flood in.
This time, there's no guilt to be found. Neil, with all intentions, made sure of that.
--
235 notes · View notes
chiyumi94 · 3 years
Text
Tagged by @riotbrrrd for the “This or That Trope” game!
Slow burn or love at first sight (title of my love stories)
Fake dating or secret dating (pretending to be something we yearn to become? heck yeah!)
Enemies to lovers or best friends to lovers (I don’t like mean people)
Oh no there’s only one bed or long-distance correspondence (closenesss)
Hurt-comfort or amnesia (with amnesia you can build something anew, without necessary hurting)
Fantasy au or modern au (I know it’s bad to romanticize a period, I just feel so attracted to it!)
Mutual pining or domestic bliss (ughhh this one is hard, I guess I’ll want domestic bliss once they’re together)
Smut or fluff (honestly both, it just depends how horny I am at the moment)
Canon-compliant or fix-it (I rarely disagree with canon, but if one has to walk away from it, that’s never for a fix-it, mostly AUs)
Reincarnation or character death (oh I’m alll about the reincarnation cycle, baby, although I do like death as a step, but then they come back to life)
One-shot or multi-chapter (I don’t read as much as I used to, so I can’t gulp whole 40-chapters fics, but if that’s about 10-15 top, it’s okay)
Kid fic or road trip fic (FFXV is the best example, development while discovery of the other! I don’t like kid fics, they focus too much on the kid and less on the character I like)
Arranged marriage or accidental marriage (I know what’s wrong with arranged marriages, but I like how they simplify everything, plus the characters have to work together in order to make the whole thing work)
High school romance or middle aged romance (I don’t really mind either, I just like hsr more because people are discovering themselves and others, I love the passion and inner turmoil they feel. But if it’s about bullying, I’ll pass, I’ve had enough at school)
Time travel or isolated together (if it were time loop, I’d have checked that bold quicker than I can say time loop)
Neighbours or roommates (omg they were roomates)
Sci-fi au or magic au (sci-fi is just actual science in the future, I don’t find it as amazing as freakin’ magic)
Body swap or gender bend (literally putting yourself in other people’s shoes!!!)
Angst or crack (I’m totally against angst so... crack?)
Apocalyptic or mundane (of course the apocalypse is a cool setting, the content I enjoy is just taking place in normal times)
Thanks for the tag, @riotbrrrd! Anyone who wants to, have a go at it! :D
2 notes · View notes
bandit-art · 4 years
Note
can you give us some fun facts / a general rundown what the paradisian verse is? like, who's your favorite character from it, general themes, whatever you wanna share!
ANON!!! HELLO??? I LOVE YOU???
Okay so, the paradisian verse is a high fantasy style setting with magic and shit, and the big thing is that the setting is made up of floating islands, connected via stalks or roots (which, that concept is all @aphoticabyss 's) and then the actual earth below . It has a polythestic system of gods and what not, the paradisians, the verses name sake.
It's hard to kind of give a good rundown and do justice, cause it's a lot. Kind of why I'm struggling to properly weave it into my blog content.
But I will say, my favorite character is Reno, a God of thieves and cowards whose actually been kicked out of paradisia for basically stealing from another God of a MUCH higher rank than him, so hes out and about having to do a number of good deeds before he's allowed back home. Part of his punishment is he's unable to steal, otherwise he'll get a burning sensation in his hands, also added bonus is he can't reveal his true name. Reno later gets involved with a merchant named Jackie (@aphoticabyss ), and they become a traveling duo, with Jackie actually getting Reno to become less of a dick and also think more highly of himself.
Ughhh it's a big verse with a lot of stuff I wanna post more about it but it's so muuuch.
12 notes · View notes
revangerang · 4 years
Text
Oh boy I really got in my feelings and wrote way too much lmao
Tagged by: @edithpattou86
Tags your friends to do their own lists: @chierafied @mother-ishvara @doughygraduatestudent @kazoomajor @pagan-assassin
[[MORE]]
Top 5 animated movies:
1. Whisper of the Heart - Such a cute and whimsical slice-of-life coming of age story, and so inspiring for creative types! I love how Shizuku sees her fantasies come to life in the world around her, and how she just follows her whims to wander the city and treats each day like an adventure. I see a lot of myself in her. The grandpa and his shop are so cool! I want to find a place like that in my city! I love how she and Seiji inspire and encourage each other to improve themselves. Even though they’re so young and I usually hate that kind of thing, I think it’s a very realistic portrayal of what true love and a healthy relationship should be. The way her writing is treated as a creative process and something she can polish with hard work is just such a wonderful message and so inspiring to me.
2. Spirited Away - I love the Japanese culture and mythology, and the serene, still tone of the film. Truly beautiful. The way it doesn’t paint the spirits and gods in a bad light is good and correct: they were the careless humans who went into their world and took what they shouldn’t have. But it still focuses on the supernatural and eerie elements, often without even explaining anything, which I love. And the bathhouse feels like a real functioning place with workplace culture and all. And of course it’s great that Chihiro steps up and learns to be strong. I just love it.
3. Howl’s Moving Castle - I love all the characters so much, and all the magic and whimsy. The fantasy European setting is so charming, and they did a good job depicting Western magic. Ghibli movies really have such mundane magic, and they make me feel like my life is magic too. Sophie is so good and strong and I love seeing her come into her own. And Howl is hot. lmao
4. My Neighbor Totoro - I had the original Fox dub of this on a bootleg VHS my grandma made us when I was literally like an infant. My parents threw it away when I was still young- like no older than 5- because it “has Eastern religion in it” 🙄 Too bad for them the damage was already done lmfao. It was definitely one of the biggest influences of my formative years, I loved it so much and I’m so grateful to it. That mundane magic I talked about before, and just introducing me to a totally different worldview from my sheltered white American Christian bubble. I was fascinated by every single aspect from the traditional Japanese-style home to the bentos to the shrines... I really admired Satsuki and how grown up she was, taking care of her little sister like she did, making the lunches, all that. It’s really such a charming movie with great music and such a realistic depiction of childhood. Plus who doesn’t love Totoro himself?? And catbus! Iconicccc. I still look for little portholes in bushes and trees to this day lmao
5. Mulan - My little 8-year-old enby ass crying in the living room and repeatedly playing the Reflections scene over and over makes so much more sense now 😂 But really it’s just such a great film with a unique art style, fun characters, and great music. I love how Mulan fights for what she believes is right, and wants to protect her father. And I think it’s great how she also fights to find her own place in the world. I like how they don’t make it a “not like other girls” thing, but just that she personally somehow doesn’t feel comfortable in her own skin with the makeup and all that. Between her living as a man and the clear romantic relationship between “Ping” and Shang, it’s pretty good queer representation for a 2000s Disney movie lol. Also Mulan and Shang can both get it I mean what.
Honorable Mention: Prince of Egypt - That animation tho! So fucking cinematic!! And the music and everything just ugh so good! The characters are really compelling too and you can totally feel the brotherly love and familial issues.
Top 5 live action movies:
1. Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day - This is a movie where you can’t look away for a moment or you’ll miss something important. It really is just one entire heck of a day for the main character like howwww does so much happen. It’s really just written so well honestly that they manage to pack so much into a single movie and a single day. I aspire to that level. The 30s setting is so great with the costumes and set and music ahh I get so much inspiration from it. Every single character (and actor for that matter) is just fantastic. It’s super funny- that situational comedy is my jam. And there are touching moments that give me inspiration for my own life. I relate to Miss Pettigrew with her clear social anxiety, and perhaps neurodivergency? But I love how the events of the film bring out the best in her. And Delysia is just so charming! I want her confidence
2. La La Land - Such a fun and whimsical musical about life for creatives in Los Angeles~ It makes me feel nostalgic and proud to live here. I love all the different homages to classic Hollywood, and the music is so good!! The love story feels realistic and I actually really like that they don’t end up together in the end. They just encourage each other to be better, and if that means being apart, they’re willing to do it. It is another one that gives me inspiration for my life and creative endeavors, especially The Fools Who Dream 😭 Gets me every time.
3. Mamma Mia - This is my shameless feel-good movie. I love just putting it on in the background as I clean or whatever. It’s just so upbeat and fun!! I love Amanda Seyfried and Meryl Streep especially. And I like that the main character learns what she wants (and doesn’t want) out of life right now. And I love that they depict older characters and women!! having full and rich lives including romance and sex. The message that it’s never too late for love is so great! And also just like please communicate and you will probably save yourself so much heartache lmao.
4. Across the Universe - I have an affinity for the 60s and 70s, and I love how this movie kind of takes you through that era with the various characters. It’s such a fun movie with great costumes, cinematography, and music! I just love all the covers of the Beatles songs!! I honestly like them just as much as I like the originals. This is one of the first things I ever saw with positive/neutral queer representation?? Like Sadie is presented just as she is, without it being like WHAT SHE LIKES WOMEN?????? I”MPOSSIBLE !! Or making it all about sex or whatever. It’s literally just like “I want to hold your hand.” Also the whole bit with Eddie Izzard is just incredible lmfao
5. LOTR - My first fandom~ I love these movies so much ughhh. The music! The costumes! The characters! The world! The high fantasy!! I think PJ was so true to the books, or at least as much as he was able in just 10-ish hours. I love that they just went for it and filmed all three in one go, and made them over 3 hours long, which was basically unheard of at the time for blockbuster films. They did so good fully representing the different races through costume, language, culture, and the music too. I literally used to just lay on my bed for hours at a time in junior high, listening to the soundtracks and being immersed in the world. My friends and I would often play pretend that we were in Middle Earth (so lame for middle schoolers lmaooo). I love every single (not-evil) character and I will fight for them. I will especially fight Denethor I don’t even cARE !
Honorable mention: A Little Princess - Sooo whimsical and lovely, even when the girls are going through hardship! I love Sarah and how she literally does magic and even puts a curse on what’s her face omgg. She’s so charming and a genuinely good person too, even though she could have been a spoiled brat. The big climactic scene is so !! Omg I still get the adrenaline when she’s crossing the board and then hiding from the police even though I’ve seen this countless times since I was a small child. And it’s so wonderful that she’s reunited with her father, and they adopt the other girl. It taught me at a young age that the world isn’t fair and people will be nasty and abusive for no reason, but that you can still believe in magic and “fancy yourself a princess.” And the neighbor guy taught me that strangers will step in to help out of the goodness of their heart.
Top 5 TV shows:
1. ATLA - One of the best series of all time. The worldbuilding, lore, storyline, character development, animation, music, etc, are all incredible. If they had gone with the original intention of making Zutara canon it would have been literally perfect and so subversive and innovative! As it is it is still nearly perfect and they still did an amazing job with Zuko’s redemption arc. I just ignore that very last scene tbh. In my mind, it didn’t happen. The series addresses so many issues like imperialism, sexism, abuse, family, disability, war, etc, in a very realistic way. Uncle Iroh is literally a treasure.
2. Steven Universe - So charming and wonderful!! I just love it so much!! It is so goddamn queer, it makes me so happy. Stevonnie is the nonbinary representation we don’t even deserve!! I love every single character. I love the animation and the music too! The bgm is so bubbly and glitchy and cool, super on point for trends these days. And the original songs are so charming~ It also deals with a ton of important issues like imperialism, interpersonal relationships, oppression, self-identity, abuse, leadership, mental health, boundaries, consent, brain-washing, unlearning unhealthy behavior, etc. I love that every single character, even minor ones, get character development and a chance to be strong and improve themselves. And it shows that even the ones we initially think are super strong and have it all together, actually have their own issues that they struggle with too.
3. Yuuri!!! On Ice - This show!!!! Oh my goddddddd. Literally perfect. I love that it just subverts every single trope???? Especially with the events at the beginning and the big spoiler in episode 10. Simply incredible. I love every single character so much??? Even ones I was expecting to hate, like how Yurio is a little shit at the beginning, and then when Lilia is introduced as this super severe tyrant, but she ends up just being a good, yet strict coach because she really wants Yurio to succeed. It’s honestly just so wholesome! The music is so amazing and the ice skating is really realistic too! It really shows that they had an actual skating choreographer and worked off video of him performing. I love how realistic the whole show is like with lots of social media, youtube, instagram, etc. And it does a queer romance without it being a gimmick. It’s just a sports anime with a side plot of a romance but it just happens to be gay. And Kubo-sensei has stated that homophobia doesn’t exist at all in their world which makes me so happy. It’s honestly so queer and I adore how all three main characters are genderfucks a bit. I also love how realistically Yuuri’s anxiety and depression are portrayed. I relate so much to him, especially because mine exhibit in the exact same ways as his. It’s another one that inspires me to fight to be better and live the life I want to live.
4. OTGW - So charming. A perfect addition to the canon of New England fairy tales. The music is great, the animation is wonderful and nostalgic, the characters are fun and interesting and spooky. I love how liminal it is and you aren’t really sure where they are or what’s going on for the majority of the episodes. Greg is the most realistic depiction of a small child and the brothers’ relationship is the most realistic I think I’ve ever seen in my life lmao. He’s just so random and weird and has such Little Kid Logic I love it so much lmao. The story is perfectly contained in its 10 short episodes, and it gives a very satisfying ending. I still can’t get over how many huge stars were in it too?? Like fucking Tim Curry as Auntie Whispers???? I can not believe.
5. Inuyasha - I’m weeb trash and this show is also trash but I love it so much okay. As a big fan I hold so much against the anime for changing things from the manga, but even so I love it. Overall I think the animation, music, and voice acting is perfect. It’s so cool with all the mythos of youkai and the shikon jewel, plus I love traditional Japanese culture stuff. And isekai type stuff is my jam. If I found a portal to another world or to the past you bet your ass I’d go through it. I totally don’t still look for portals as a 30 year old adult, I don’t know what you’re talking about 😂 Kagome is such a great mc tbh like she’s so smart and strong and talented and kind I just love her so much??? I want to be more like her. And I love all the characters honestly. I have to overlook some questionable 90s anime tropes for certain ones, but I still love them. As much as we rag on the constant upgrades thing, the battles and stuff are pretty thrilling, and overall the series is good fun. And yes Sesshoumaru is my husbando, next question.
Honorable Mention: Doctor Who - I love how this show manages to be like every single genre?? SciFi, historical, comedy, thriller, mystery, slice of life, etc. I love all of the Doctors, and all of their companions. I just love how much the Doctor loves humans, and how much faith they have in humanity. And again it’s that whole isekai, time travel, normal modern human goes on magical adventures thing. I would go with the Doctor in a heartbeat. I still cry over Donna 😭
16 notes · View notes
idealisticrealism · 7 years
Text
Blindspot 2x12 recap
(Aka the one where Roman gets to go on an outing, the show rights a bunch of wrongs, and Weller develops new fantasies regarding Jane and motorbikes)
So this is the first episode I’ve been able to/have chosen to watch live since seeing the pilot at Comic Con-- thanks to the triple miracles of live online streaming, a deserted office in a currently unused part of the hospital, and a rare patient-free afternoon-- and man am I so glad I did. Lbr I rode the high from this ep for the rest of the damn day (okay, week) lol.
Which, naturally, means that there is a ridiculous amount of flailing waiting below the cut. Enjoy.
So Weller seems to be regretting his boss-role rn as he is badgered by an assistant lol-- one named either Brianna or Rihanna (seriously Weller you need to enunciate more clearly sometimes), which is a fact that apparently either Weller briefly forgot, or Sully did, since there was just a fraction of a pause before he said her name haha. And okay Weller I know you are sad about the whole bye-bye baby thing (goddammit now I have Bay City Rollers in my head), but seriously, someone in your position should NOT be signing anything without reading it first! Like, who is this ‘new analyst’, who is being tested for drugs, who is getting security credentials for the deputies committee, and exactly what's in the departmental budget?? What if the ‘budget’ you just signed cuts all the funding to the Sandstorm taskforce? Or if any of the security passes you just approved are going to Sandstorm moles?? Dude. As a sidenote, though, I like Weller's signature, and it entertains me because its style is literally exactly the same as Sully's signature. Which is hardly surprising, obviously, but cute all the same. Man we really need them to get a new Assistant Director though-- Weller never seems happy behind a desk, as demonstrated by the fact he literally ran when he got the message from Patterson lol. The boy needs to be out in the field, needs to be running free with a gun in his hand and his wifey beside him, saving the world
Loolllll I love Zapata teasing Reade about his hookup last night. He tries to act all affronted and reminds her that the girl has a name, only for it to immediately backfire when she challenges him to tell her what it is because he doesn't know either. Oh, you really backed yourself right into that corner, buddy. And then in very sibling-esque fashion he's just like 'argh I don’t have a comeback to that so just leave me alone alright' lol. And omg speaking of siblings, Jane is proudly telling everyone how Roman solved the leopard tattoo, while Patterson mutters little corrections from the background, a tiny bit put out that Roman is getting all the credit for her discovery and analysis. Shhh, it's okay, baby. They all know you're the smartest one in the room, not to mention that you've cracked like 90% of the tattoos. Let Jane have her moment of being a doting big sister haha. But anyhow Patterson still has the kicker-- not only does the tattoo point to the biker gang (okay so we call them 'bikies' in Australia, so you have no idea how hard I have to concentrate to type ‘biker gang’ each time) but anyway it actually revolved around a government agent that was running guns over the border for them, and he was already caught just before the tattooing happened, which could be why Sandstorm scrapped the leopard tattoo. Jane is all for using the photo of the biker girl to help jog Roman's memory, whereas Nas (and her pet shrink) are against triggering any more memories on the belief that it will also trigger his 'antisocial behaviour'. Hey does anyone remember that scene in the movie iRobot, where Will Smith sneezes and apologises for being allergic to bullshit? I wanna put him in a room with Nas and her shrink and watch him dissolve into a marathon of constant sneezing fits every time either of them opens their mouth. But hey, maybe they're actually totally right, like remember how Jane's memory of shooting a nun made her go on a killing spree in every church she could find? Oh, wait... 
But anyhow, thankfully Weller is seeing a bit more sense this week, and immediately backs up his wifey, leading he, Nas and Jane to stand in the next room and watch as the shrink prompts Roman with the photo. I have to say, using the motorbike sounds was a good move, and clearly it worked. I'm excited to see him having real memories of his adult life, especially ones that could give us more clues to Sandstorm’s plans. And in the memory, Kat's teasing concern about him driving over potholes definitely implies that he's transporting explosives. But then again, this is Sandstorm, and they collect explosives like birds collect shiny things, so it’s hardly a revelation. And ughhh Weller and Jane share a meaningful look (with Nas again forgotten in the background, my second-favourite way for her to be, the first being absent altogether) and then Roman looks to Jane, who gives him an approving smile and a nod and my baBY SmiLES baCK and ugh just look at this puppy. Look at him. He's adorable and we need to keep him, even if he used to bite people and chew everything and pee on the rug. We'll train him up and he will be a Good Boy, I swear. 
So with this fresh intel, the team reconvenes in the meeting room, and tbh despite Weller being the one standing at the end of the table, Jane is totally the one running this show, and he's literally just watching her in rapt attention haha. And as she poses the theory that the tattoo was removed by Sandstorm because it might link too closely back to them, everyone actually listens, with not even a skeptical glance from Reade of a snarky comment from Zapata. Jane might not be entirely forgiven yet, but she's finally no longer a scapegoat, and I LOVE IT. And you know who has noticed this change too? Nas. She's definitely seeing the old team start to knit back together, and in particular the old partnership reforming between Weller and Jane, and she knows it doesn't bode well for her. Damn straight, lady. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. (Or, as you do with everything else, just pretend to and then lie about it). But anyway here comes the real kicker of the ep-- the biker gang is notorious for never snitching, which means they need someone on the inside, and I love how straightforward and 'in the box' the team's thinking can sometimes be, because the moment Jane suggests sending Roman in, they're all like "whaaaaaaa????" as if that option had never even had the possibility of occurring to them. Like yes, fair enough he's kinda a 'prisoner of war' at the moment, but he's also their only current choice, so...? But ugh, I love that even though Weller is taken aback by her suggestion, he lets her make her case, his eyes never leaving hers even for a second. (Be still my bruised little shipper heart.) And then they seemingly get the shrink to come in to give her opinion, and I like that Weller is now sitting down at the table rather than standing like before, as if putting them all on even ground. Everyone gets a chance to have input. And then ugh: "He's a terrorist"//"So was I". Wow, Jane, that's a big statement. Just look at my baby taking responsibility for what her past self has done, even if she is now a completely different person and would never do the things Remi did. And lil Patterson next to her raises the point that they didn't know that she was a terrorist, and I love that after she says this, she keeps her eyes locked with Jane's even as Nas is saying her piece (lbr Nas isn't worth her attention anyway) but ugh I just love how expressive that look is? Is she thinking about Borden, and how they never knew HE was a terrorist? Or is it a look of apology, like 'I'm sorry we considered you a terrorist for a while', or both, or...? Honestly I really want to see more of the relationship between these two, especially if it involves seeing Jane supporting Patterson in her grief/betrayal over Borden. But anyway Nas raises the point that they know nothing about Roman's past interactions with the gang, so they'd essentially be going in there blind, and the shrink chimes in that in that setting he might suddenly lash out and become violent. God, she sounds like a broken record. And then when Jane says she can keep him in line because of their relationship, the shrink insists (after spending literally like 15 mins total with him) that he is completely incapable of love or human connection and therefore Jane won't be able to handle him. Geeeezzzz, lady, if anyone with any psych training overheard you spouting this crap, you'd probably get deregistered. Psychology might not be an ‘exact’ science but that still doesn't mean you can just make up whatever shit you want!!! Ugh. But anyway, what's this???? My son has finally found both his common sense and his spine, and firmly states that they need to do whatever it takes to stop Phase 2, and that includes taking this chance on Roman. Which basically just translates to "I trust my wifey so now you all better as well". Nas looks understandably bummed at this, because clearly she's watching the tight leash she had on Weller fray and snap, and she knows she'll never reel him back in again. Whereas my precious Jane can barely believe her ears-- she's so used to all her ideas and suggestions being ignored or smacked down, and her feelings disregarded, but not anymore. All that's changing now that Weller's head has been freed from his ass, and I absolutely love the resigned looks from all the others like 'oh we're back to this then, the Weller and Jane show" lol (but for real hallelujah)
Nawww Roman, so desperate to get out but then asking uncertainly if she's sure that letting him out is actually a good idea.  And ugh she's so supportive and encouraging and assures him that she trusts him when he's worried that he'll hurt people. See that concern for the well-being of others?? That alone literally DISQUALIFIES him for a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Ugh. I literally want to find the biggest psych textbook I can find, open it to the page on APD, and then throw it at the shrink's face. But anyway omg-- this moment in the bullpen. I can’t. The team’s all right there; Patterson slowly pacing with an ‘I don't know if this is a good ideaaaa...’ expression on her face, Reade with his hand shoved in his pockets and a ‘This is totally a bad idea’ expression (and Zapata doing pretty much the same, except with arms crossed), and Nas standing off to the side fidgeting with her phone and looking vaguely guilty. Although lbr that's probably just her shadiness manifesting physically, so meh. But then there's freakin' Weller standing there in his nice suit looking like he's doing a practice run for when he's at the altar and Roman walks Jane down the aisle toward him. I literally cannot deal rn. And ugh then Jane gently guides Roman through the bullpen, reassuring him that though he may not have many supporters among the FBI right now, she will always support him. And lbr she knows what it's like to walk through this bullpen and have everyone eyeing you with dislike and distrust. But she was able to rise above it and earn her place back, and Roman will earn his. But aaaahhhhh Weller greets him by name and thanks (!!) him for helping them and ugh I'm really emotional about it. Though lbr he's gotta be on his best behaviour, I mean this is his future brother-in-law, after all. Patterson follows his polite lead, though is clearly uncomfortable. But I'm actually impressed with how the team rallies, putting aside their discomfort and getting down to business. (Gotta defeat those Huns). But come on, guys, don't give those looks when he mentions a gun. Literally anyone would be wanting to know if they're going to have any protection when walking in to a possible deathtrap. Of course, Jane smoothly handles the situation, throwing a brief look of gratitude at Weller as she leads Roman out to get some clothes. A look which Nas definitely doesn't miss, nor does she miss the way Weller himself watches the siblings walk away.... 
Speaking of this brother-sister team, damn are they looking both badass and fine as they walk into the bar. And ugh Jane is so supportive of him. Which is kinda the opposite of Remi, apparently, who is being pretty damn harsh to him in this memory while she unpacks a whole heap of C4. (Good thing New Roman knows that Jane was wiped too, and is nothing like his sister used to be!). But oh boy, this memory has just taught us that Roman and Kat were a lot more than strangers. Which is kinda sweet, but definitely not good for them right now. His "We have a problem" is so cute haha. And then Kat (who is stunning, by the way, good taste Roman) comes over and punches him in the face. And well, at least we know he doesn't immediately flip into violent mode when attacked? Also tbh he's actually doing a really good job at being out in the field, reading the situation and thinking on his feet just like Jane does. I feel so proud. And now they've managed to score a meeting with the big boss-- who we know is Bad and Dangerous bc he's beating the crap out of some guy the moment we meet him. Also Jane said earlier she'd have a gun on her but the dudes didn't say anything when they searched her-- did they just take it, or did she not have one? Idk I'm just curious. But ugh then my babies cleverly construct a story using just enough truth to be believable, giving an excuse for both his absence and any future 'unusual' behaviour. Then they broker a deal where if the bikers set up a sale and draw Shepherd out, the gang will get to keep both the money and the fancy explosives that Shepherd apparently wants. And ugh I'm so proud of my baby Roman, bluffing that he knows where to get the explosives and agreeing to the bikers coming along to steal it. My puppy is doing so well. And then just to remind us again how Scary this biker dude is, he shoots the unconscious form of the dude he's been beating. Better keep working on those poker faces, guys, because I saw the utter empathy from both of you just then ugh
Back at the lab, the team is chastising Roman for doing things the way he did, and while I'm kinda like ‘leave him alone guys he did his best’, I do appreciate that one of their main arguments is that he could have gotten Jane killed. Because they CARE. They don't want to see anything happen to her because she's one of them and I'm so emotional about it. Anyway Zapata raises a very good point, one that I've been waiting for someone to mention-- basically that Shepherd herself probably won't show for the sale anyway, but Weller points out that capturing any Sandstorm operative would be a huge help to them. I like that Roman is kind of excluded from that category, and I know it's pretty much only bc he has no memories of it, but still. And then Patterson makes it clear that the only way to get this military-grade explosive is to steal it, and Nas is all ‘meh so they'll steal it’ and walks out to start some shady dealings, and pretty much everyone stares after her like she's just grown another head. Are you really surprised, guys?? Nas doesn't exactly give a shit about doing things by the rules... rules other than her own, anyway. And then Patterson and Zapata are all 'we can't give real explosives to a biker gang and a terrorist group' but Weller knows Jane's right when she says they’ll test whatever they do get and won’t react well to fakes, so they need to use the real stuff.
Reade admits to Zapata about Freddy's ex and how both of them were feeling guilty, and as usual she immediately defends what he did and tries to convince him to let it go, bc she knows that if he’s not careful, he'll let his guilt grow into a self-destructiveness that could have huge consequences. And speaking of that kind of guilt, Patterson approaches Nas about wanting to be present for the Sandstorm trap, and her guilt over Borden and ughhhh my baby is hurting so much (damn you Borden!!!) but it's interesting how her words kind of describe the S1 Weller/Jane situation a tiny bit (Weller's feelings for Jane clouding his judgement, blinding him to reality, and vice versa) and apparently also describe Nas's experience at the NSA. So the Sandstorm mole in her department was her lover? Interesting. I wonder if the shrink worked with her there too, and that's how she got her injury? But anyway yaaaasss Patterson getting (rightfully) angry at Nas for being blind to Borden's betrayal bc she was too busy spying on the rest of them-- finally someone calls her on it! You go, Patterson. 
Oooooh I am so here for Weller calling Jane aside, his hand lingering unnecessarily at her back as he draws her away from Roman, the sad-hearteyes fixed on her as he tells her to be careful, not to let her guard down around Roman. And then ugh "I know you want Roman to be something different, but you have to treat him like any dangerous asset, the same way I treated you when I found out who you were". Ugh, I love the implication here that he didn't really want to treat her like he did, but treated her how he felt he had to. (After she came back, I mean. That night he arrested her he wasn't really thinking through his actions at all). And then ugh she calls him Kurt and insists that Roman wouldn't hurt her and that he is capable of love and I love how balanced their exchanges are now? They're totally on the same level, no bitterness or pain between them. Just two people who know each other as well as they know themselves. And aaahhh Weller is honest about his concerns that Roman is manipulating her and manipulated Kat, too, the way ‘she manipulated Jeffrey Cantor’, aka using his feelings for her to get what she wanted. I LOVE that he knows that wasn't the case with him. Everything between them was real, he knows that now. But ugh I love the look Roman throws at Weller as he and Jane get in the elevator. Lbr, he knows Weller is in love with her-- he doesn't need his memories to know that, not when it’s written all over Weller’s face.
Nawww Roman telling the bikers the plan and answering all their questions so confidently and ugh I am so proud of my lil puppy. Also lol I love the fact that Mr Scary Biker Man is scared of Shepherd. And then aaahhh they all head off and Kat rides with Roman, and "How come you never came back for me?"//"You ever came looking". Damn, boy, you're smooth! Also uh oh she just gave him a gun, hope he won't need to use it... but duuuuude this whole bike-to-truck thing is crazy! How did he know he'd even be able to do that??? I can't believe he didn't lose his balance and splat on the road lol. And then omg the drivers are Weller and Reade????? Oh geeeezzzzz this can't go well. Jane doesn't look surprised at all to see them, though, so I'm guessing it was part of the plan? And so the bikers now have the explosives, but in a shocking-- lbr not all that shocking-- twist, Roman now has to kill Weller and Reade. Sigh guys, are you really telling me you didn't think this miiiight happen if you were witnesses to this whole thing? The two of them look shocked, but that just might be their acting (nice work boys) whereas Jane's pokerface definitely slips into genuine fear for them both, before she quickly covers and tries to talk the bikers out of it without making it too obvious that she's trying to protect them. But my puppy Roman knows that if he doesn't kill them, the bikers will kill all four of them, so he takes a chance, the only one that will ensure his sister survives and hopefully that he and Weller and Reade do as well. I'd like to think that he noticed their puffy-looking jackets and realised that they had vests on underneath, but maybe it was just a solid guess. And ugh I just want to hug my baby Jane, because while she doesn't make a sound I can practically see the anguished scream echoing behind her eyes as the two of them fall to the ground. In that moment, she thinks she's lost both the man she loves and a man who's like family to her, plus she thinks that it's her fault and that she was wrong about Roman, and is now still in danger of losing her own life, and on top of that, will be shunned by the rest of her FBI family. Basically, if that moment had been real, Jane would have literally just lost everything. Ugh, can we give her a hug yet? She's still staring at Weller's body when Roman grabs her and pulls her away, and I bet he didn't miss the way she flinched when he touched her. Ugh my baby, it's all okay, he would never hurt your family unless he had no choice, he's just doing what he has to do to protect you! Ngl tho, when he first shot them I was like WHAT!?!?? and then my immediate thought was ‘maybe blanks??’ and then I was like wait no that's not possible bc it was a real gun and then honestly my brain was still freaking out by the time they started picking themselves off the floor and then I was finally like ohhhh rigggghhttt, vests exist haha. I love Reade's "He knew we were wearing vests, right??" Yeah just go with that, Reade, because that's probably the more comforting option. Oooooohh but now Jane is super pissed at Roman, but she can't deny the sense in his words when he said that it was better to risk shooting them in the vest than hesitating too long and having all four of them get shot in the head. Apparently their little ruse worked, too, because the bikers have set up a meeting with Shepherd for later that night. Kat pulls Roman away for a second, and ugh he's sweet with her and honestly even though I'm super hopeful (aka trash) for Roman/Zapata, I'm really kinda shipping these two rn. Like they clearly really cared about each other?? I love seeing more Roman backstory. I wonder what happened that morning that he was supposed to come meet her? Did Remi stop him, or Shepherd? 
They’re back at the FBI now and tbh I’m bummed that we didn’t get to see the scene where Jane and Roman arrive and see Weller and Reade alive and (mostly) unharmed. Is someone gonna fic it, or?? (Please don’t make me do it lol). But anyway aww Jane takes Roman back to his cell, and she knows that he remembered something, and oohhh there's a little bit of tension between them bc he's still got the memory of Remi's treatment of him in his head, plus he feels like the team is still viewing him as the enemy. "You still trust me, right?" Ugh. I really hope he believes that she's being honest when she says yes...
Lol Weller sitting at his desk in a shirt with two bulletholes in it. And ugh Jane watches him through the glass for a second and it's clear she's so guilty that he got hurt and worried that he'll be angry at her or Roman for it and ughhh she's so apologetic as she comes in and then ugh "I'm so thankful that you’re both okay-- when he shot you, I thought--" SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. SHE THOUGHT SHE'D JUST LOST THE MAN SHE LOVES. HELP ME. But thankfully he instantly assures her that Roman made the right call, and that must also be a relief, knowing that her brother wasn't going to face a lynchmob for kinda gambling with their lives. But ugh then the ever-perceptive Jane (who also is just very attuned to Weller, lbr) asks if something else is going on, bc she can tell there's something upsetting him. And for a moment he brushes it off just like he would have earlier this season, and in that time she's learned to obey the dismissal when it's given, so she’s about to leave but then (hallelujah) Weller gives in and confides in her like he used to, admitting that Allie's moving to Colorado. And ughhhh you can see the instant panic and distress in Jane's eyes as she stumbles through asking him whether he's going too, because no no no no please no-- and then ugh the way she lets out a tiny relieved  breath when he says he's staying. She was seriously terrified for a second there that he was going to leave and she'd never see him again. And then as he admits that his place sudenly feels really empty now that there's not gonna be a baby in it, the Jane hearteyes come out, and ugh honestly I think I love them even more than the Weller hearteyes. They're very different, more of a 'I know you will never be mine but I love you with everything that I am and I always will and I would sell my soul in a heartbeat if it meant you would be happy'. UGHHHH SHE JUST LOVES HIM SO MUCH. SO FREAKIN MUUUUUCHHHHH. And she's halfway through saying something sweet and genuine to comfort him and suddenly Zapata's interrupting (what, were Patterson and Nas too busy to perform their usual interrupting duties???) and so now the Feels wil have to wait bc the sting is onnn
Is it just me or is Weller looking very tense?? You know, almost like the woman he loves is walking straight into a potentially deadly situation?? Oh wait... But lol lbr he'd be in there in a heartbeat if there was any sign of anything going wrong. You can bet that he placed himself and Reade-- aka the two big tough men-- at the position closest to be able to get in there and provide help quickly, while Nas and Zapata are sentries around the back or whatever. I'm pleased that there has been very little Nas/Weller teaming up lately, and this time there's not even the potential explanation of Zapata and Reade avoiding each other to account for this split, bc they're all cool now. Maybe it’s because the use that Weller and Nas had for each other has passed... But anyway oh boy, this deserted bar is not a good sign for the amnesiac siblings. And Kat looks piiiissed, even more so when she raises a gun. Ooooh boy the jig really is up. Kat knows Roman's off, apparently because he didn't want to shoot the guys earlier, and because he held her hand. Idk about you, lady, but that kinda seems like an improvement overall?? And Jane agrees: "He's different now, ever since he got shot. He's better." Ugh but that little look Roman gives her when she says it-- I mean, it's kind of praise but also not? Like a 'yay she likes who I am but wow how little did she think of me before?' kinda thing? And then Roman spills the beans about the FBI while Jane is there beside him like 'oh shit', and meanwhile outside Nas is saying they need to go in now-- but Weller (rightly) waves her off without even a moment's pause because "Jane knows what she's doing". Hell yeah, look at all that beautiful support from hubby. And lol devil lady don't think I didn't see that expression on your face. Your witchy words used to have power over Weller, but not anymore. Jane is his talisman, and his love for her not only makes him better in every way, it makes him immune to you as well. To quote King Theoden: You have no power here! lol. But anyway as we're watching the inexorable crumbling of one pairing (I refuse to say 'ship' in regards to them bc imo they don’t qualify) we’re watching another one teeter on the edge-- Roman is all puppy-eyed and spouting ‘I love yous’ and Kat is wavering in her determination to kill them, and Jane is basically in the background trying to be as unobtrusive as possible bc she knows even one wrong look could get them both shot and god I hope she’s picturing Weller in that moment and hoping that she’ll one day get to tell him how she feels and then the scene switches to the other room and BAM there's the gunshots and lol I love all the biker dudes just chillin' and sipping their beer. And then aaaaaah Kat comes out and turns on her own gang for Roman and ughhhhhh I feel like this means things are about to go really badly for her. Ugh, the poor girl. Seems like this show really has a theme about suffering for the ones we love. Anyway lol at the mayhem twins being sprawled over various bits of furniture, like good work guys you're so convincing haha. And then omg they're fighting the guys (lucky only two came in) and I don't think I appreciated this the first time round (literally how do you people deal with watching live?? And only once?? I'm constantly pausing and rewinding when I watch) but anyway Jane pulls a flag off the wall and then uses it as a weapon against her opponent??? Like damn, that was badass. And then Kat literally kills a guy that she's probably known for years to prevent him from going in to join the fight??? Dude. Of course Weller sees the gunfire from outside and is immediately into his MUST SAVE WIFEY mode. Have to say though, said wifey is doing just fine at taking care of herself-- and of her brother-- given that she literally just smashed a chair over a guy to protect an incapacitated Roman. PROTECTIVE SIBLINGS UGHHHHH. But nooooo Kat's been shot (told you she would suffer for loooovee) and Roman doesn’t even notice the presence of the final shooter as he runs to her side-- but thankfully bro-in-law is not about to let anything happen to his wifey's favourite brother, and bursts in and takes the guy out before he can shoot Roman. Jane's in the room seconds later, locking eyes with hubby over the barrels of their guns (well, at least they've got protection for all that intense eye-sexing) and ugh my baby Roman is reassuring Kat and idc if he feels like a fraud, I'm glad she died believing he loved her. And tbh I don't think he was as unaffected as his abrupt turnaround made him seem. I like that he immediately hands off his gun to Weller, and Weller just accepts his determination to get the job done and rolls with it while Jane is still mentally (or rather, emotionally) catching up. Ugh, this trio is going to be the death of me, I just know it.
As they race to the meet point, the invaluable Patterson gives Weller the lowdown while Jane stares at Roman, and then as soon as there's a quiet moment, she checks if he's okay-- with Weller intently listening in. Honestly no one can see how much Jane cares about Roman without instantly becoming a little bit more smitten with her, so it must wreak havoc on Weller’s already Jane-owned heart lol.  Roman then mentions his need to ask Shepherd why she erased his memory, leading to some intense Jeller eye contact in the rear-view. I love that it's not like a guilty glance between co-conspirators; it's more her saying 'I hate that I did this thing and I can't get through it without your support' and him being like 'I know you did this thing because I asked you to and I promise I won't let you carry the weight alone'. Literally no one can convince me it was otherwise lol. Anyway the whole FBI team arrives at the meet point-- SWAT guys and all-- but do we all notice who is front and center, making the calls? Weller... and Jane. Zapata, Reade, and Nas are all a couple of steps back, and the Mere Mortals are even further behind them. And then when everyone fans out, Nas is with Jeller, but still stuck behind as they move together, side by side. As they flank the door, they realise simultaneously that it hasn't been opened in years, and then-- dun dun dun-- they discover that they're too late and Sandstorm has already been and gone, taking the explosive and leaving all the dead bikers. If this ain’t a ‘well, shit’ moment, idk what is lol
Back at the lab, the team is not having a happy time, but I am very much enjoying watching frustrated Weller in his bullet-riddled shirt (dear god please keep the shirt for posterity reasons. Bring it out on holidays/family occasions when you and Roman are arguing about which football team is better or something and be all like "Remember when you shot me?? You don't get to have an opinion!" lol) I mean idk, I'm just really attached to this shirt. I'm sentimental about things like that... bullet riddled shirts, Jane-sized duffelbags, etc... But anyway, damn, Jane is leaning against some pillar thing and even in her dejected state she still looks damn good. Though I do prefer her more natural look, she has really been rocking the dark lipstick and all-black/leather outfit. Damn. But anyhow now the team is debating how Sandstorm could be staying one step ahead of them, and lol literally everyone in the team gets to have input (Patterson's being particularly sad, about how she sweeps for bugs every morning and that maybe there's another mole in the NYO) and then it finally gets to Nas' turn and Weller just totally cuts her off before she even gets three words out. Heheheh that's right, Lady Wormtongue doesn't deserve to have an opinion. And then when she eventually gets to speak-- telling them all that they'll get the explosives back and somehow find Sandstorm, she gets nothing but chilly silence haha. Yaaaassss team. FREEZE HER OUT. DO IT.
Oooooh Mr Grumpy has headed to his office for some Serious Brooding Time (there's even teeth-gnashing and furniture-abusing involved) and we all cross our fingers, hoping for Jane to appear and soothe him as only she can... aaaand instead Nas appears. Boooooo. We’re treated to some insincere apologies and a flimsy explanation of them clouding each others' judgement, and lol I love that she thinks he used the HMX as bait bc she asked him to. Oh, honey, I thought you were supposed to be perceptive??? Literally everyone could see he did that for Jane, just as he let Roman out in the field for Jane. He's back on Jane's side now, and let’s be real now, you know it. Which means you know that being in a relationship* (*term used very lightly) with him is no longer of use to you, because it is no longer an effective means of controlling him. Don't even try to deny that you created this entanglement solely to prevent him getting re-involved with Jane (and also probably to get some good sex out of the deal, lbr here) and now that it is completely failing in its original purpose, you're cutting ties. That's just smart resources management, and you’re nothing if not methodical. But oh man I’m getting a good chuckle out of the line "we have feelings for each other, of course we do". Mmmmm-hmmm. That was so convincing. But loooollll Weller's like 'So that's it then' and literally does nothing to fight it, doesn't offer up any argument, actually almost looks pleased?? Lbr I would have rathered Weller be the one to break things off but this way works for me just fine, bc it's clear that he broke things off emotionally (if they ever even existed emotionally) quite some time ago... 
Aaaaand speaking of nonsensical and emotionless pairings, Reade-- who just happens to have his damn fine chest on display at this moment-- has an unexpected visitor. Freddy's ex (do we have a name for her yet? Calling her Freddy's ex makes me uncomfortable) comes in, while valiantly keeping her eyes up top. Well, mostly. Dw girl, no one is perfect. But anyhow as she cries about being afraid Freddy is dead and having contributed to it, Reade tells half-truths and tries to assuage his own guilt by reassuring her. Following which she becomes VERY concerned with the state of his chest, fussing over bruises that tbh could just be very determined hickeys. But then she touches the ~bare chest~ and seals the Coital Prophecy-- you know, the one where two characters (generally) of opposite genders, regardless of actual connection to one another, become powerless to resist getting it on after one of them touches the other in an area usually covered by clothes? But well, there's just no going back now, because he basically told her ‘you're not a nuisance’ and we all know that's actually code for ‘why aren't we already naked’. But for real dude, I hope you washed your sheets after last night's romp with bar girl... and don't forget that little talk we had about protection! Safety first!!! (please I can’t handle any more baby drama)
Thankfully the next scene is already 50000000x more enjoyable, and so far all it involves is Jane standing in a doorway. I am very supportive of this, and of literally anything she does. And then ugh she goes and joins Roman on the floor, and he instantly admits that he lied to Kat about being in love with her, and seems dejected at the thought that he might never have really felt anything for her and asks what's wrong with him. Oh, honey. A person without empathy or emotions would never even think to ask those questions in the first place, or be worried about the answers. And Jane, speaking from experience, tells him that feelings can't just appear like memories; they have to develop. And may I just send a big kudos to whichever brilliant person in the sound-editing department put a tiny snippet of the Jeller theme in there at that moment?? Bless you, you subtle geniuses. This conversation also says a lot about her relationship with the team vs her 'relationship' with Oscar (which I still believe was devoid of any feelings other than Jane needing to get comfort from SOMEWHERE while also needing to get info out of Oscar. Two birds, one stone, so they say). But oh man am I so relieved that Roman actually tells her that Remi was the reason he and Kat were separated, because it gives her a chance to show that she's not like Remi-- she doesn't want the same things for him that Remi did, and she is constantly trying to make up for the things that Remi is responsible for. Much like he will have to make up for what Old Roman did. And then ughhhhh she tells him not to stay fixated on who he was, but to try to embrace who he is now-- and ugh it literally seems like she's telling him what she wishes she could go back and tell herself the night she met Oscar. Chasing the past nearly cost her her future, and now that she's getting another chance at it, she's not going to let anything stop her. And ugh she promises to get him out and tells him she really believes he loved Kat and ughhh my babies I love you both so much
Damn, dark-side Borden is still pressing my buttons. I can’t help it! But anyway I’m intrigued by this increasing screen-time for this Parker guy-- who tells Borden he's there to see this country burn, aka just basically regurgitating Sandstorm's tagline-- it makes me wonder if he's actually not all he seems? Maybe he has managed to infiltrate Sandstorm (anyone notice that their name shortens to SS??) in a way Jane wasn't able to, and is secretly working against them. Either way, I'm intrigued to see what his future role will be. I'm also appreciative that he and Borden are filling in the scenes that would otherwise require Shepherd in them. Any ep that I don’t have to look at her face is a good one imo
AaaaaaaahhhhhHHHHH. I'd already seen the spoiler pics before watching this ep; had already been waiting all episode for Jane to show up at Weller's door. But for a moment when he opens it, I’m still struggling to believe it’s really happening. Jeller. Happily hanging out, alone, after work hours. Oh how I have missed this dynamic. But lbr even before we see Jane's face, we know it's her at the door, because his eyes go from surprise to HEARTS HEARTS HEARTS in like 0.00001 of a second lol. And Jane's leaning there, looking all casual, acting like her heart isn't racing and stomach isn't swirling with butterflies over the fact that it's been a long time since they had this kind of interaction and she can't be sure she's allowed to step into this territory (both figurative and literal) again and ugh just think how much guts it would have to take to reach out like this when he'd rejected her or frozen her out so many times since she'd been back?? But lbr she's always been pretty in tune with this thing between then and she can tell, now, that it's different again, that it's back to how it used to be. Or maybe even better than it was then, because there's no 'Taylor' in her that's making the focus of his affections unclear. And of course, the Assistant Director of the Jane Fanclub (the director being me, obviously) would never dream of turning her away, not anymore or ever again, and he's showering her with those heart eyes while she shyly finishes her sentence from their conversation hours ago-- because she's precious and adorable and wants to support him and reassure him ughhhh-- and then ugh in literally one of the bravest acts we've seen her do (and lbr ‘Brave’ is practically Jane's middle name) she brings him his favourite beers-- which she would have OBVIOUSLY have had to go out and buy for THIS VERY SPECIFIC PURPOSE, since it's not like New Yorkers have Pennsylvanian beer just lying around-- and ughhhh this is the best olive branch (slash date-invitation??) ever and oh man I seriously need to know how long she's had those beers and how long she's been wanting to do this and aaaaahhhhh Weller must be like 'thank GOD that foolishness with Nas is over' (I know we are) and ughhh he invites her right in and omg they're finally getting to have those 'drinks' they owed each other (technically didn't he owe her? Like you said last season, you’re racking up the debt, buddy). But aaahhhhh someone save me bc they both look so HAPPY and relaxed but also a little excited and Jane's hearteyes are killing me because legit I have never seen anyone be such a literal manifestation of 'to gaze adoringly'?? I feel like she's been suppressing these heart eyes as best she could during this last two weeks since she got back from Sandstorm-- since Weller realised what a jackass he'd been and started showing her that he really does care about her-- and she just can't hold them back anymore and ugh it's so beautiful. And then ugh my big silly baby totally overplays his 'bullet wounds' (too bad he didn't have his shirt unbuttoned like Reade, eh??) leading to some sweet little flirty banter and ughhhhhh now it's his turn to gaze adoringly as she asks him to give Roman a window or let him go for a walk or something, and lbr if he could, he would do literally anything she asked just because he wants to make her happyyyyyy. I'm so glad our big stupid son finally made it back to this point. And ughhh I am so upset at these two idiots and the way they're smiling at each other all goofily while they drink their dumb beer and then OMG SHE SEES THE FILES THAT SANDSTORM HAS ON WELLER. FINALLY. I think we've literally all been yelling "WHY AREN'T YOU SHOWING THIS SHIT TO JANE?????" ever since he found out about its existence. And then they move over to the table together and she gets adorably excited to see his yearbook thing (this literally feels like looking at your boyfriend's baby photos lol) and within two seconds she has found him. Because of course she has, she's been seeing that face in both her waking life and dreams ever since she came out of the bag (and apparently long before that, in her previous life), so of course she'd know him anywhere. He’s her person. And ugh he jokes that he could have gone pro with ball and she actually giggles and then gazes up at him as he talks about the game, the heart eyes so intense that she's practically glowing with it (you know that fuzzy glow around the sun on really hot days? Yeah, picture that) and then she looks back down at the page and BAM. Shepherd is in the crowd. And Weller REMEMBERS her. And just like that, the connection between these two has given them a HUGE break in their fight against Sandstorm. (Which lbr we all knew was going to happen and was exactly why the writers never had Jane look at this stuff before now.) Also don't even get me started on the fact that he and Jane achieved together in moments what he and Nas hadn't been able to do in weeks. Symbolism, much??????? 
But anyway that's pretty much all the rambling I have for today because all the rest is just incoherent screaming about having my show and beloved characters back lol so see you next time for more Jeller perfection aaaahhhhhh
38 notes · View notes