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thisnoodlewritesao3 · 3 years

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Once Upon A Dream | Kyoutani Kentarou/Reader

Characters: Kyoutani Kentarou, Reader, Aoba Johsai Club Members

Pairing: Kyoutani Kentarou/Reader

Genre: Fluff, just happy fluffy times

Warnings: I don’t think there are any, but if you see any, tell me please!

Word Count: 2111

Summary: For almost 3 years, Kyoutani had seen glimpses of your life in his dreams. It was his favourite part of the day. So, when you move to Miyagi, he's far too excited to meet you. Only, he doesn't know your name or your what you look like. And what's a soulmate supposed to do when you go silent at school?

A/N: This has sort of been shoddily thrown together to help me get out of my weird funk lately, but I like it, so sue me. UwU. Check it out, I posted it on AO3 too (here)

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Kyoutani hated school. Not for any other reason than the fact that the people just annoyed him - much less the fact that he wasn’t particularly good at his - his grades could attest to that. Sure, he loved volleyball, and that might’ve been his favourite part of the day; except his favourite part was sleeping. That was because during the times of slumber, he could see glimpses of what happened during his soulmates day - what happened during your day.

He’d never admit to anyone how happy it made him. He’d do anything to learn everything about you.

At this point, he was sure he knew just about everything about you. Most nights you’d feign studying to your mom - you’d always end up watching far too many episodes of the latest anime that had you hooked - even so, you somehow had almost perfect grades. Every time you were in lessons, you took notes effortlessly, though he only ever saw those notes during class. When you weren’t watching anime, you were writing, listening to music far too loud; a thousand playlists that he could never wrap his head around - he was never sure how you’d managed to memorise where one song in each playlist was all because it took you too much effort just to like it. You couldn’t sing very well, that didn’t seem to stop you - he thought the same about your dancing - but something about seeing a section of that from your day always made him extra happy in the morning. You got along well with your mom, most of those clips you were laughing about something incomprehensible. You seemed to get along with a lot of people, though your closest friends were a pair of twins by the names of Anaka and Anoko. You lived in Tokyo, which hurt his heart far too much than he’d admit.

The one thing that irked him was your dislike for sports, you put in little effort to gym every time. Waking up after those clips of your day were his least favourite thing - he’d even put school before that.

Despite the fact he knew everything about you, or as much as he could, there were two things he didn’t know: your name or your face. He hated that so much. It was as if you never looked at your reflection, or took any pictures of yourself. He had a basic idea of what your hair looked like, but most of the time the strands were out of his vision.

From what he could tell, you were in the year below him; it wasn’t that that particularly mattered to him, it just meant he’d been seeing your life for a year longer than you’d been seeing his life. For the almost three years that he’d been able to see you, you’d barely had two years.

One night, a week before he’d be transitioning into his second year, he’d dreamt of you:

The world zipped by through the car window; you rested your elbow on the door hands, leaning your head into your open palm, forehead pressed against the glass. The view wasn’t one he was used to seeing, it looked more like the countryside rather than the cityscapes; a gentle wave of sadness mused inside of you.

“I know it’s going to be a lot to get used to-”

“You have no idea…” you cut off your mother, not even bothering to glance in her direction. Sadness was replaced with an eruption of aggression. You hid it, opting to clench your fist. Your jaw tightened so much that it ached.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Her voice was soft. You let out a soft sigh, nodding slowly. “I mean, you were so happy when you found out what high school he went to. Although, even the idea that you’re going to meet your soulmate won’t take away from the fact we’re leaving behind…” she paused, grip tightening on the steering wheel.

You finally tilted your head to look at her. Something swirled in the pit of your stomach and you reached out, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

There weren’t any more words needed between the two of you. It was easy.

Kyoutani woke up, running his hand through his short hair. That felt different than normal. He couldn’t explain it, not well, at least. And what had your mom said about meeting your soulmate? None of it made sense. Did you actually move to an entirely new place? Why?

It frustrated him more than it was worth.

----

Weeks passed and nothing.

Kyoutani had hoped for something, anything. There hadn’t even been a single sight of you in person. He saw you in his dreams; in class, your stare would be focused out of the window intently; you were quiet, rarely interacting with your classmates. You looked at them with such an indifference.

He loved the days when he could see you at home; you did your usual song and dance, but this time you had a small puppy at home. You’d shower it with endless affection. You didn’t seem to watch as much anime before - he even saw you studying sometimes - but the joy in his heart when he listened to you lazily sing an opening was unfiltered and so pure.

He still had yet to see your face, to hear your name.

At the start of volleyball practise, Oikawa announced that the team would be getting a manager - as long as things went well with them, that is. Most of them were confused, Kyoutani included, until Iwaizumi explained that unlike the others, and there had been so many others, this girl wasn’t interested in Oikawa in the slightest - in fact, she didn’t even know who he was. Kindaichi confirmed this, since she talked to him about this.

Out of nowhere, a girl appeared at the door, she seemed frazzled. Completely in a daze. By that point, Kyoutani had zoned out, choosing to focus on literally anything else.

He missed the looks she gave him the entire practise.

----

Sleep could not come sooner for him. He wondered what you were seeing right now, if you were even asleep; he wanted to know so badly what you thought of him, how you felt, he wanted to see your face. Just once. That was all, if he saw your face just once, he would be happy.

----

Time passed and still nothing. He hated it. He hated how close you were to him, yet how out of reach. Things didn’t change much. You were still as quiet as ever in class; you were still as loud as ever at home. He memorized each word you spoke like it was gospel, because what if you just happened to talk near him one day? How else was he supposed to recognise you if it weren’t for your voice?

He didn’t learn much about the new manager. She was quiet, too quiet. She agreed to things too quickly and acted like she would break. Because of that, everyone treated her like she was going to.

He had caught her staring at him a few times, something that pissed him off because he didn’t want her, he wanted his soulmate. Wherever she was…

If he were being honest, he’d really tried his hardest to find her. No one in particular caught his eyes. He searched every first year classroom several times a week to make sure that he had never missed anyone on any particular day, the idea that you could be somewhere else other than right there hurt him. He looked at the desk where you normally sat. Every time he went it was empty. It sucked.

Oikawa only noticed his mood get more foul as time went on - even managing to hold off on commenting about it considering how he looked like he might actually kill someone.

One night, during his dream, it felt like all the pieces finally fell together.

You stared down at the ground- were you wearing sneakers? -rubbing your thumbs together nervously. There was light conversation in the background. He couldn’t make out a lot of what was being said. Not until you stepped towards a bench, grabbing a vibrant yellow water bottle. “Thanks, L/N!” Kindaichi’s voice chimed, puffing out his chest. He was dripping with sweat.

You gave him a half smile before your eyes wandered around. This sight had become a typical one for you, watching the volleyball club running around and practising. Your eyes land on someone in particular and your heart races, although it doesn’t last long, not until he turns and meets your eyes, glaring.

Maybe you just had your hopes too high; he clearly wasn’t interested in having a soulmate. You turned your head away quickly. Giving him a side glance. “Oh Kyou…” you muttered, turning away.

Kyoutani shot up awake. Never had his body been more alert in the morning. The volleyball manager hadn’t just been some girl, but it had been you? All this time you never said a word to him about it, and he had just glared at you like you were nothing.

It made him sick. The idea that he had been hurting you.

Never had he rushed to get dressed faster. Never had he been so excited to go to school. His uniform was haphazardly tossed onto his body, he almost forgot his bag. Everything felt heightened. The wind was hitting his face harder than normal - that might’ve been because he was sprinting - the ache in his legs was nothing compared to the excitement in his heart. The closer he got to the gym, the more nervous he became.

“You’re here early…” Yahaba snickered - normally Kyoutani would have threatened the brunette, but not today. His eyes were almost frantic as he changed into his gym clothes, darting around like there was something big he was waiting for. Because there was something big he was waiting for. That was you. For you to finally appear. So that he-

“Good morning, L/N!” Kindaichi cheered towards the door of the gym, waving frantically at you. You smiled and offered him a small wave before yawning, glancing towards Kyoutani. When you met his eyes, you seemed to pause mid-yawn, tears building up in your eyes.

He walked over to you. Not really knowing what he was going to say. Not really knowing what he wanted to say. Just knowing that he needed to be next to you. To talk to you. To hear your voice again, right now, right in front of him.

When he stopped in front of you, you almost seemed scared, sucking in a deep breath and leaning back slightly. You averted your eyes, not wanting to upset him in any way. He didn’t move, not an inch. His eyes danced over you, examining every part of your face that he hadn’t been taking the time to examine. This was his first time actually seeing you.

“Beautiful…” it slipped out before he could do anything to stop it. A warmth rushed to your cheeks as you smiled awkwardly, looking away from him.

“Um… thank you… Kyou…” The look on your face could only be described as elated, even as you avoided his eyes, you knew he meant it.

All of the other members looked at you confused, trying to understand what Kyoutani had said that had made you so flustered. That was quickly washed away when he grabbed your chin, lifted your head up and smashed his lips against yours.

Your eyes shot open wide, body frozen before you seemed to collapse. His arm caught you, holding you against him with such a need that it was destroying you. When he pulled away, the gym erupted into screams.

“Took you long enough.” You muttered, gently punching his chest.

“I… I never saw your face before-”

“You see it every day?” You tilted your head.

“No. I mean… t-this…”

“Oh…” He didn’t need to explain. You knew exactly what he meant, “I don’t really like my own reflection. So I just… avoid it?” An awkward laugh slipped out.

“But you’re beautiful.” He caressed your cheek, such a softness in his eyes that you didn’t know he was capable of.

“Can someone explain what just happened?” Kindaichi yelled, eyes darting between both of you as you shared such a tender moment.

“That’s what a pair of soulmates looks like,” Oikawa mused, wrapping his arm around the first year, “well, at least she’s cute. Sucks she has such a… strange soulmate.”

Kyoutani slipped away and pounced on the setter.

You simply laughed at them.

After all this time, you’d finally met him.

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#kyoutani x reader #kyoutani kentaro x reader #kyoutani fluff #fluff #kyoutani kentarou #soulmates #haikyuu!!#haikyuu imagines #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu writing #hq #hq x reader #hq kyoutani #hq writing #my writing #thisnoodlewrites

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morningflames · 4 years

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a word of warning

well here’s a post i never thought i’d be making

it’s come to my attention that a Certain Someone is planning on making a comeback to WrA soon and it fills me with nothing short of dread. i spent the day yesterday warning people he terrorized and manipulated that this was happening. you know it’s bad when there’s a literal network of people who share an abuser that have remained in contact for years in the event this happened again.

i am not going to lie and say that making this post does not terrify me but i cannot in good conscience sit back and let him worm his way into the rp scene again and do what he did to me and at least half a dozen others all over again.

to summarize: tarcanus aka tarcanus frostborne is a manipulative, emotionally abusive and predatory individual that should be avoided at all costs.

i am the player behind lyrinel, a former officer of his and someone who was on the receiving end of nearly a years worth of abuse and manipulation. my experiences pale in comparison to those of others who dealt with him and came forward to me after i left his guild, and i cannot speak for anyone who does not feel comfortable coming forward. if you do want to let your voice be heard, feel free to reblog and add your own anecdotes.

my story below the cut.

tw: manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, coercion, grooming

i first joined coram populo in early 2014 after my best friend and fellow survivor (i will refer to her by her character’s name of thradia from here on out) joined the raid team in december of the previous year. we were both just looking for a social place to park our characters and maybe start role playing again, as we hadn’t had a guild or dedicated rp group in a while. things were fine and friendly for the first couple of months, though it’s worth noting that a large part of the office corps had just left or was in the process of leaving when thradia and i joined. we were both 18 at the time.

i made the mistake of reaching out to tarc in the spring, when i noticed him posting to his tumblr about how busy he was. i offered to be an IC assistant of sorts to his character and he was more than happy to toss me into an absolute whirlwind. we still didn’t know much about each other, but in the span of a couple weeks we went from casual contact in guild chat to immensely long (sometimes between 10 and 12 hours) skype calls, constant DMing, and an almost uninterrupted stream of conversation. i was struggling to finish high school at this time (spoiler: i failed to graduate) and found myself suddenly caught in an all-consuming relationship with this man and his guild. from the moment i woke up to the moment i finally hung up and crawled into bed, my time was taken up by tarc and the guild and the game.

i was promoted to officer less than five months after joining the guild. this was overwhelming for a number of reasons, chief among them being the fact that i had never been an officer in a guild like this before and i was very quickly escalated to tarc’s “inner circle.” this was a circle that he evidently didn’t even include his most senior officers in, as he didn’t seem to communicate with them to the extent or abundance that he did with me - and later, when she was ALSO promoted to officer, thradia.

within a few weeks i found myself at the center of dozens of micro-confrontations and venting from tarc about other members of the guild, raid team, and even fellow officers. every time, i would tell him he needed to take it to his co-gm and talk it through with her. she, like him, was a grown woman with a lot more experience and better people skills than me, a teenager barely out of high school, but tarc insisted on beating me over the head with his frustrations and then proceeding to guilt me and tell me i was a terrible friend when i didn’t agree with him or expressed i was uncomfortable being in the center of a vent session that i felt was unwarranted.

tarc was never wrong. he did not apologize. the words “i’m sorry” did not exist in his vocabulary, and if they did, they were almost always followed up with the word “but.” constantly he would be sending multiple messages to me or thradia while we were running events and raids for the guild, ranting about a few particular members that he disliked at the time regardless of how we felt about said members. thradia and i would both be reduced to tears and/or anxiety attacks by his outbursts that all but demanded we take his side even if we didn’t. his feelings and circumstances were paramount. everyone else’s were just inconveniences.

tarc was always the victim. no matter what was going on, no matter who had instigated whatever vein of conversation we were on that had gone awry, he had a way of making you feel like utter shit until you grovelled for his forgiveness, which he rarely gave. instead he would move on without giving any closure or allowing you to discuss your feelings at length. if you tried, you were the insensitive one who he couldn’t go to with his “unfiltered emotions,” which was the entire purpose of his inner circle to hear him say it. i was not allowed to just be his friend or just be an officer, i had to be both and neither at the same time, and it still was not the right course of action. nothing ever was.

tarc was openly manipulative and antagonistic, always citing it as an “inside joke” when called on it. i opened up to him once about my father’s alcoholism and how i was uncomfortable with alcohol culture and being around drunk people. regardless, he would constantly call while drunk (or maybe he was pretending to be to get a rise out of me, i honestly do not know what was genuine and what was put on with him) and make me stay on the call with him for hours. when he was (allegedly) diagnosed with an inability to process certain alcohols that could be life threatening, he continued to drink (or claimed he was drinking) dangerous amounts, which lead to me begging him to stop as i feared for his life. one of the worst anxiety attacks i have ever had was over him endangering his health and me believing i was going to see a friend die. he knew how much this upset me and he did not stop. he held me as a captive audience to his self destruction (or the playacting of it) and let me cry and beg and plead with him to take care of himself.

tarc loves to promote a clean, “family friendly” persona online. he will go on and on about the positive atmosphere his guild provides and how progress and accepting he and his “safe spaces” are. as soon as you are inducted to his inner circle, however, you learn otherwise. he will gladly engage in sexually charged conversation with you, even if you are ten years younger than him as thradia and i were. we were both legal adults, yes, but just barely. i can’t count the inappropriate remarks and jokes made about us, our friends, and even minors all in the spirit of joking “what if” conversation. he has a history of making young LGBT+ people uncomfortable, making their sexualities and identities about him and how he can relate to them.

tarc was the most two-faced and divisive guild leader i’ve ever seen. he would rant to me mercilessly about wanting to kick one of the junior officers and raid team members in private while never saying a word to their face or bringing it up with the co-gm. he would start schisms between people, telling each what they wanted to hear and encouraging both parties not to confront each other about it, allowing the resentment and distrust to grow as he fanned the flames on both sides. he wanted people to stay in the guild and continue to basically work for him while also putting him above anyone else in their friend circles. he told straight up lies to thradia and i, claiming one of us had said things about the other that we never did, driving a wedge and distrust between us.

tarc treats his guild(s) like a business. he is entirely capitalist-minded even in an MMORPG that people play for fun, churning out “content” and keeping up appearances like a machine. he treats his officers and guild members like employees, not people. any time irl would demand attention away from the game, forcing someone to miss or cancel an event, he would subtly guilt them about it until they apologized, even if it was a dire situation or a family emergency.

when tarc wanted to start a wow roleplaying podcast, he approached me about cohosting. he wanted a female voice, and since i was out of school and had no job lined up due to not graduating i was the perfect candidate. i came on to narrate and research the lore segment of the looking for roleplay podcast, which was little more than me paraphrasing a wowwiki article, but i was held to a “professional” standard. i had to have my research done by a certain day, my recording done in advance, etc.

the podcast was a spot of contention for several reasons, one being the mysterious emails tarc would allegedly receive about it. the podcast had a shared email account that all three of us could access and look at, but tarc claimed that people sent emails directly to him since “everything’s under his email.” he would use these strawman emails as indirect criticism of turwinkle and i, reading them aloud or typing up what they supposedly said but NEVER producing a real screenshot or address to verify them. i’m convinced he only did this as a way to make turwinkle and i feel badly and work harder “for the listeners” to appease things tarc didn’t like about our segments. he also insinuated he got inappropriate emails about me specifically at this account but, again, i was never allowed to see them with my own eyes, just hear about them secondhand, which is why i believe they did not exist.

around this time, tarc began recording conversations without mine or thradias consent. he would start recording random sections of calls and taunt us, playing back out-of-context lines and joking that he would make “podcast commercials” out of them. they were often embarrassing, personal, or just wildly out of context lines that we didn’t want played to the public, and i heard only a fraction of what he possibly recorded of me. i have no idea what kind of material he has of me and thradia that was recorded without us knowing or consenting. it felt like blackmail. it still does.

i internalized all of this. i thought this was normal. i thought he was an excellent guild leader and a role model for leadership. i had begun to treat world of fucking warcraft like a goddamn job and i thought that was fine. my life revolved around coddling and entertaining him, socializing and promoting and recruiting for the guild, raiding, running pvp entirely on my own, keeping up IC connections and attending events, recording for the podcast, all of it. i ate, breathed, and slept wow and coram. it was insane. i had been talked into having no boundaries for myself and my time, and any time i tried to correct that and build a boundary i was attacked for it until i backed down. i have never felt worse about myself than i did while i was in this guild. i trusted no one. i was worn thin.

i finally had enough early 2015. at this point this man was trying to get me to come live with him hundreds of miles from my family so that i could attend a technical school in his area. i am still 18. he was 28. i had been trying to step down from my position as an officer, citing if i was going to be LIVING WITH HIM that it was going to give me an unfair bias in my standing in the guild. this set him all the way off. he was planning a trip to atlantic city for me, himself, and thradia, who i had a ticket to visit for my birthday. he was getting frantic because he had been pursuing thradia for months, and i was no longer cooperating.

when i threw this wrench in everything, our relationship devolved in the span of a few hours. within the day i left the guild on all of my characters and pulled myself out of all of his projects. within the month i had frantically faction changed several characters and eventually unsubscribed from the game for two years because i lived in fear of him. he had always alluded to “knowing people” who could hack and track IP addresses and kept tabs on everyone who visited his blogs and websites. i didn’t know what i thought he was going to do - all i knew was his thinly veiled brags and threats were at the forefront of my mind. i have played this game since 2006, but for the first time in my life i couldn’t enjoy it out of fear and exhaustion caused by him. he had ruined my favorite game in less than a year and made me paranoid about my entire online presence, to the point where this blog was abandoned for months before i turned it into what it is today.

and the thing is, tarc’s not a creepy or abrasive guy when you first meet him. he’s funny and charismatic and outgoing. he loves to tell you about his world travels and show you pictures of him petting baby tigers at rescues in southeast asia and go on about these crazy winnings he would have in vegas. he’s larger than life - at least online. he came to visit me twice in the year that we knew each other. the first time was also the first time i had ever met thradia in person, and we had been friends for six years at that point. he has met my family, and that of several other members (both my age and older). no one ever questions why he’s there. no one ever thought it was odd that for a week he hung out with three teenage girls exclusively.

this horrifies me to this day.

thradia and i are still best friends. we compared notes and were sickened at how we were played against each other. slowly, i returned to the game. i reached out to people who had left or been on their way out when i first joined the guild, curious to see if there was a common thread. there was. everyone i spoke with had similar stories: being made to feel like shit, nothing they ever did for the guild was enough, they weren’t allowed to miss events or raids no matter what the reason, they were questioned and joked about inappropriately and made to feel uncomfortable and preyed upon, etc. i was not the only one. thradia was not the only one. at least half a dozen other former members and/or officers had these stories, and tarc just kept getting away with it.

he cannot keep getting away with it.

i am being open with this for the first time in six years because i don’t want to see it happen again. because i don’t want to know that, had i said something sooner, more people could have been protected. i was 18 when this was going on. i had no real world experience. i had no standard for how i should be treated, much less by someone almost ten years my senior and who claimed to be my friend. but he knew better. he should have had boundaries and space and lines he refused to cross. he did not. he crippled my trust in people for a very long time. i have only become comfortable playing wow on horde side again in the past year or so. i finally stopped looking over my shoulder, /who’ing him and his guild, avoiding rp hubs. but now i feel like i can’t do that anymore. the safety i have worked so hard to achieve for myself is now threatened.

i understand my experiences are mild in comparison to what some offenders on this server have done. but at the end of the day, this year was the worst year of my life. to this day, the skype ringtone literally triggers me because i associated it with him and his endless calls that i never knew what to expect from or how to get out of. i can’t look at certain parts of the game without feeling fear. for months i held my breath going online or logging into wow because i was waiting for him to pop up and start accusing me of things or trying to guilt me into coming back.

tarc ran coram populo, a guild that, as far as i know, still staggers along with a few members who can’t be bothered to leave. whether or not he’s planning to return there, i don’t know. he organizes and runs (from what i can tell) the azerothian trade federation (whatever the fuck that is). i don’t know what his plans are. i don’t know what his online presence looks or will look like when he comes crawling back. but i beseech you, do not give him the time of day. do not give him a platform, no matter how nice and “woke” he makes himself out to be. he lures you in with humanist ideals and then sucks the absolute life out of you- and that’s if he doesn’t want to pressure you into a relationship on top of it.

to tarc: if somehow you’re reading this, stay away from me. keep my name out of your mouth. i do not want an apology and a string of half-assed, gaslighting excuses. i have records of past conversations. i have screenshots. i know what you fucking did to me and to my friends. i do not want you back. i do not want you here. i do not want to share space with you. i want you to go away and never come back.

you alone made it so hard to trust myself and other people. thradia and i both have had to seek therapy due to you. and now, you have the audacity to come riding back into the scene on a white horse, being self righteous about abuse and predatory behavior online, and have the utter gall to condemn behaviors you yourself emulated without apology or second thought. i know you think you’re a good guy. that’s what makes you so fucking dangerous. you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and if you do, you’ve buried it and squirreled it away and have covered it up to the point where you can turn any accusation back on the claimant.

do not attempt to contact me. do not try to threaten or appease me. go back where you were. i am finally at home again, and you will not take that from me. go. away.

#wrymrest accord #wra rp #wra community #okay to reblog #i am going to basically go dark on here now and not check on this #i have gotten ohysically ill from dredging this shit up #i will not be engaging past this point so whether you believe me or not i do not care #i know my truth and i know what happened to me even though i was gaslit to hell and back

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ain-t-bovvered · 5 years

Text

Epiphany 1

read first ACT 1

EDIT: @waywardbaby

Summary: Less than two years later, you finally passed the men of letters' initiation and, finally,you now set foot in America eager to be reunited with the Winchesters. But if Dean thought that you spent your days only with your nose in books and hands in monster's guts, he was dead wrong.

Your mission? Something that the British branch tried and failed miserably, or at least that's what they told you anyway.

Pairing: Dean X Reader

Characters: Dean, Sam, Castiel and Jack

Warnings: slow burn guys…slow burn. Also, some fluff, humor, feels and angst.

Kiss it and make it better

Stepping outside the airport you were finally able to breathe real, unfiltered air, after so many hours of being closed up in an aluminum tube, sharing it with too many people. You stretched, feeling the uncomfortable tingling in your legs and a couple of bones popping here and there. Dragging your feet and luggage, you squinted against the sun that, according to your internal clock, shouldn’t be up and about. Rubbing your eyes, you looked down at your phone, sending a quick group text telling everyone at home you were okay and that you'd call them soon so they wouldn’t bother you later when you'd have other priorities.

During the time you had said your goodbyes and up until now, you had kept in contact with the Winchesters via some random texts and even some late night skype calls with the brothers. They had wanted to know how things were and especially the thing with your search for the men of letters.

Dean was always the same, old Dean. He always prodded and pried to know if you were hunting or not. And yes you had so you had lied about that, obviously, but he didn’t really need to know that, anyway. You bit your lip, drumming your fingers on the linoleum counter, suddenly feeling that old, guilty feeling creeping up your chest, as you waited for the rental car papers to get sorted out. To their best of their knowledge, you were still in training and mostly locked in a lab dissecting monsters and helping with the weapons.

Initially, your plan had been simple: Leave right after graduation.

The change of heart had been bitter but necessary. You knew all too well that if you had to crash in the Winchesters’ hunting life, you had to be prepared. The last thing you wanted was playing the damsel in distress. Therefore yes, you were locked in the lab, elbows deep in monster's guts and DNA, but at the same time, you had trained in whatever could be useful during a hunt. Basic combat, basic knife knowledge, witchcraft, and spells, refreshed your Latin which was still painfully mediocre, and let’s not talk about the guns skills. Honestly, things could be better, but considering how you started, things could’ve been far worse.

The bunker was only a three-hour drive which, for where you were from, was a lot, but things here were different. A country this big? Almost thirty times bigger than yours?

Yeah, days of driving were waiting in the future, and anyway, a couple of hours more and some leg cramps were nothing compared to how eager you were to see them.

Lebanon wasn’t that far away and you had managed to get the bunker’s outer description so you knew what to look for. You’d figure out the rest on the road.

You were not prepared for the boredom. The roads were almost completely straight.

“Damn, this place is literally a slab of dirt, some trees, and a sea of crops”.

Beautiful yes, but the road seemed to have no end. It just kept going on and on and on. Thank God for technology that at least showed that you were indeed moving closer to the destination.

The power plant hadn’t been difficult to find. Fiddling with your personal key, that the office had given you, you hesitated, hoping that they were home. As you were about to slip the key in the hole, your hand halted.

“I shouldn’t barge in like I own the place.”

It was a Men of Letters' bunker and it belonged to all of you but that one was Sam and Dean’s home. You retreated the key, slipping it in the back pocket of your jeans and you tried to knock, feeling silly.

No one answered. Were they on a hunt? Should you have called them? Should you call them right now?

Before your mind decided on what to do, you started texting Sam.

-Hey guys, just checking in. How are things?

Nothing.

Should you wait for them? But for how long? They could be days away or hours. You had no way of knowing. You decided to wait at least for a couple of hours. Maybe you could even take a nap to gain some sleep since jet lag was already being a bitch.

Relaxing in your seat, you started to doze off, in a light dream state.

Your phone chimed startling you awake. Confused, you squinted at the blurry screen. You’ve been asleep for hours.

“Shit”

You looked around but nothing had changed, no cars and no sign of them. You looked back at your phone

It was a message from Sam.

-Nothing much, same as always. -Are you guys on a hunt? -No, research

Oh great, already with the lies.

Moving the car to a more secluded spot between the sparse trees you looked at the time again.

Not that you had anywhere else to go anyway. “I guess I can still wait a bit and test my luck.” which sucks, by the way, a little voice told you.

After some time, a loud roaring noise woke you up. You straighten up, rubbing the drool from your cheek. From the muddy road, you saw this sleek black car rolling in and you fell instantly in love. That must be Baby.

The beauty on wheels stopped and from the driver seat, a frantic Sam jumped out, running to the passenger’s side and helping a bloody Dean out.

“What the hell?!” you called out, running out the car to them.

You saw Sam freeze and then with inhuman speed, he spun around, gun lifted toward the source of the voice. You stopped and slowly stepped into the headlights, arms raised, smiling reassuringly.

“Hi Sam”

“Y/N?” he squinted, “ what- ….how-” you both looked at Dean as he groaned in pain, starting to slide off his brother’s grip.

“Later,” Sam said quickly and moved to the entrance, Dean’s weight mostly on him. You watched as he struggled to open the door, so you stepped in, pushing him aside, and opened the bunker’s door with your key. Sam’s eyes widened, but once the door was wide open, he stepped inside. The lights switched on by themselves and he dragged Dean down the metal stairs. Following Sam through two large rooms and corridors, you watched as he lay Dean down on a bed in one of the rooms.

“Research uh?”

You gasped when he started to remove Dean’s coat, revealing an extended, deep blood stain on his shoulder.

“Vampire nest, one got a jump on him”.

You helped to roll up the sleeve while Sam brought in the first aid kit. You prodded the wound with your fingers to better understand the edges of the bite.

“It’s not that bad, looks worse than it is with all this blood”

Shrugging off your jacket you extended your hand to Sam who just stared at it.

“ …would you pass me the hydrogen peroxide so I can clean, sterilize and maybe stitch your brother up?”

“Ah yes, here”

When you sprayed the liquid on the wound to clean it, it fizzled and foamed, making you wince just as Dean’s eyes flew open and he sat up cursing.

“Son of a bitch, Sam can you be a bit more delicate”

“Not if you want to keep your arm”

His head snapped to you and once again you lost yourself in those eyes, memory couldn’t really do them justice

“Y-Y/N?”

“Hey, stranger”

“How… why… what?”

He flinched when you sprayed the wound again. “What the hell?” he grunted, his shoulders and neck tensing and trembling as he fought the pain. “Shouldn’t you be all ‘there there Dean, I’ll kiss it and make it better?’” he joked flinching when you used gauze to wipe around the bite, cleaning dirt and blood.

“Mmm, that’s cute” you mused, biting your lip to conceal your smile.

Oh, how have you missed him!!

“Wait here a moment, I need to go grab a few things”

You got up and touching Sam’s arm, “Don’t let him move an inch” you ordered.

“Yes ma’am”

“Hey, I’m the older brother!” he called as you disappeared outside the room, “what is she doing here, man?” Dean hissed once you were out of the room and they heard the bunker door close.

“Dude, I don’t know. She was just standing there, outside, waiting for us I think. She has a key for this place. A key of her own.”

Sam threw a look at the corridor outside the room and walked to his brother, lowering his voice, “You saw her ink, right?”

“Of course I saw the fucking ink. It’s right there on her arm” Dean stood up and swayed a little, Sam helped him be steady.

“Real question is, why she needs it.''

“Shouldn’t you be sitting down?” you said out of breath from the door, a big bag under your arm.

“Shouldn’t you have stayed in the lab being a nerd?” he said, his voice harsh.

“I do that, and occasionally…” you said unfazed, dropping the case on the bed, “... if the team is understaffed, I’ll go with them and kick some ass. Now, sit!”

Dean sat down on the bed again with a grunt as you opened the black military backpack.

Sam’s brows shot up when he saw its content.

“This is for missions…” you started to answer his silent question, “... we have an infirmary at HQ but when we are on the field we use this.” you went on, laying down a sterile, surgical, blue towel. When you fished out a syringe, Dean stood up, shaking his head.

“Uuh, nope!”

“Dean, sit down,” you said unfazed while rummaging into the pockets.

“Hell no. I don’t need any of that crap. Whiskey and dental floss will do just fine”. Your hands stopped and you slowly lifted your eyes to him, smiling sickly.

“Dude ...what she said” Sam chuckled, curious about the rest of the equipment. Dean muttered something and sat down again, far from you.

“Now, Dean, what kind of vamp attacked you ?”

“The blood-sucking kind? What are you talking about?”

“No, I mean, was he well fed? Looked clean and tidy? How were the conditions of the nest?”

The brothers looked at you funny and you sighed, “Was it a dumpster vamp or a house vamp?” your voice a clear testament of how thin your patience was running.

“…a barn one?” Dean’s patience running thinner...

“Does it matter?” Sam asked, interested.

“Umm, we know they can carry a different kind of bacteria depending on the type of environment they live…well, we are still working on the classifications but we have synthesized some antibiotics that can cover most of them, for now”

“AntiVamp-biotics?” Dean grinned as you chuckled.

“Still, we never needed that before,” Dean said smugly but his eyes twitched when you inserted the syringe into the little bottle with the clear yellow liquid. Your eyes followed as his tongue nervously licked his lips.

“Yeah? If they passed you something it could be dormant. This…” you said squirting the liquid out the needle, “... will get rid of it. Better safe than sorry, right?”

You reached as Dean drew his arm back.

You cocked an eyebrow at Sam and he chuckled, walking up to Dean and keeping him still.

“Don’t worry, I’ll kiss it better.” you cooed and slammed the needle in his flesh.

Once Dean was all patched up and real grumpy about it, Sam left the two of you alone going for the overused excuse of dinner. Cleaning up the mess on the bed and the rolls of gauzes that rolled off on the floor, you felt Dean’s eyes on you. With a sigh, you turned to face him, ‘here we go’.

“Yes Dean, what is it?”, still rolling up a stubborn gauze that kept slipping.

“What’s that?” he nodded at your arm and you followed his eyes.

“An anti-possession mark...?”

“Yeah, thanks. I know that, kid” he passed a hand over his face tired. “Why is it on you, is what I’d like to know. I thought I told you not to do anything stupid”

“And I promised you that. But, shit Dean, life happens.”

He stared at you and you squirmed under his hard gaze.

“Look…I did everything I was supposed to do, ok? We talked about this-”.

“-Apparently you forgot to mention some significant parts”. He grumbled over your rehearsed excuse.

“-recruited me as a science and tech assistant.” Your voice louder, “ I juggle between dissecting monsters, designing new weapons, upgrading old ones, and sometimes… sometimes I have field duty”

“That…” he stood up slowly and, son of a bitch you wanted out the room right fucking now, “... that right there is where I stop you,” he said pointing a finger. “You couldn't just stay in the lab, right? No, you had to go all gun blazing…”

“Actually, I use a-”

“I DON’T CARE!”

You flinched and he looked startled at his own outburst, blinking before clearing his throat and combing a hand through his hair, which was longer than you remembered, combed very nicely... No, focus!.

“You’ve never mentioned that in your calls or texts, so you definitely knew you were doing something stupid”

“No no no, this…” you waved a hand in the space between you two, “... this is why I didn’t say anything; you are overreacting just like Cass said you wou-”.

Ah shit.

“Oh …” a tight cold smile, “Cass knew?” his jaw clenched.

“Dean-” suddenly feeling very tired, you sat heavily on the bed, “you don’t know the big picture here, ok? ”

“you sound awfully a lot like a Cass of some years ago right now,” he whispered, his eyes roaming over you and then stopping at your bare legs.

Oh, fuck. Gaze turning hard, he looked up to you again.

“The fuck is that?” he said, dropping on his knees, between your legs.

Awkward.

“What's what? ” you tried to get up.

His hand traveling up your leg, stopped you cold. Reaching under your knee and lifting it to take a better look. Right there, in your inner thigh run a long, silvery scar that he traced until it disappeared under your shorts.

“Oh that…” your tone trying to sound amused, “It’s actually quite a funny story, I-“

“Whoops, sorry! “Sam, still with his amazing timing, appeared on the door and misunderstanding, obviously, he quickly turned around. Dean didn’t let go of your leg, still staring at you all jaw tensed and fuming, and all hot rage, and you shouldn’t feel this turned on, but here we are.

“Nope, Sam, it’s fine, nothing to see here, so what’s up?”

Sam cast a glance at you from above his shoulder, “Dinner’s ready…if you...you know... want it”

“Oh thank god, I’m starving” you chirped as you shook your leg out of his grip. Dean snapped out of his daze, stood up and walked out the room in silence.

“What happened?” Sam asked while accompanying you to the main room.

“Occupational hazards”

“That was amazing Sam, thank you," you said leaning back on your chair, satisfied and trying to stifle a burp.

“It’s just take-out and cholesterol, but you are welcome,” he smiled rubbing his hands clean from the greasy food with a paper napkin.

“For my first meal on American soil, I couldn’t have asked for anything better”

“Then we should celebrate.” Sam chuckled using his beer to nod at you. Grinning back you reciprocated and did the same in Dean’s direction but he was still brooding, picking at his food. Well, that’s definitely bad. You looked at Sam as he shrugged at you. Clicking your tongue, you put down your bottle.

‘Well, time to face one Dean Winchester. I got this’

“Enough of that Dean. I told you I was going to do what I wanted. I’m not your responsibility. I choos- “

“You didn’t. You just had the misfortune of meeting me, by chance, while you were living your life…”

“Yeah, what a life! Sure...” you scoffed, his shoulder visibly tensing.

‘Aw, shit that came out wrong’.

“You know what?” he snarled at you, “I told you about our lives, I told you how we didn’t have it easy. I told you we were forced into this shit, but you…,” he pointed angrily, “... you just dived in it like it’s no big deal, leaving your goddamn, normal life behind ”

“Actually that life found me, you found me ….”

“Yeah, and look what good that did “.

Sam was fidgeting uncomfortably, though he didn’t want to intervene because he would have taken your side, and besides, Dean was not in the let’s be rational mood, right now.

“Everything I touc-”

“OH, SHUT UP!” you slammed your hands on the table, toppling your bottle, spilling beer on you and the floor. You didn’t flinch, eyes steady on him. Sam choked on his beer, startled at your outburst which was still echoing in the empty corridors. Dean stiffened, even more shocked, mouth hanging open.

“You…” began, lowering your voice, the anger still in it “... you want to know what I’d be if I hadn’t met you?” You lifted your head to look at him. You could feel your eyes, hot, and shit you really, really did not want to fucking cry in front of them.

“Dead” you paused, letting the weight of the word sink, “I would be dead.. in my car... that same night, like all the others.”

He opened his mouth but you made a gesture to zip it, “I wouldn’t have graduated, I wouldn’t have made my parents proud, I wouldn’t be useful, and wouldn’t be doing a job I love. You saved my life and I’m proud of what I’m doing with it.”

You pushed the chair back with your leg and stepped away from the table, tearing your eyes from his.

“So please… do not fucking spit your fucking judgment on it.”

Stuffing your backpack, angrily drying the few tears that had escaped you heard the door opens.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Sam”

“What are you doing?” Dean’s low voice made your heart clench.

“What does it look like I'm doing?” You snapped and you winced at it, but fuck that. You resumed packing, “I don’t want to stay where people seem to second guess and judge my decisions, don’t need that shit.”

His hand stopped your arm and you drew a deep breath, his touch already soothing part of the storm you had inside.

“I’m sorry,” he simply said, and it was already enough. Hell, you forgave him the exact moment he followed you in the room.

“I-It’s okay,” you said relaxing.

“I don’t know your life and I shouldn’t have, you know…I’m just worried about what you’ve been doing without m-us, without us.”

You let out a breathy chuckle and sat on the bed, looking up at him, patting the space beside you, “then let me tell you…”

He sat down and looked at you, eyes softening.

“Hello Y/N “

You jumped startled and squealed when you saw the angel.

“Cass!" You quickly engulfed him in a hug, which he returned awkwardly, though he was getting better at it.

“How was the journey? “

“Neverending,” you said stepping back.

“I could have brought you here directly “

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but I wanted to surprise the boys”

“Cass…” Dean’s grave voice brought you back and you shot an apologetic look at the angel, mouthing ‘sorry’. “You knew what she was doing and you didn’t say anything.”

The angel eyed Dean nervously “I gave her my wor-“

“We’ll deal with that later” Dean interrupted, “where’s the other kid?” you gave him an offended look.

“War room with Sam”

“Oh, do I get to meet Jack, finally?” you asked, suddenly giddy.

Following Dean and Cass to the main room again, you saw this scrawny figure from behind.

“Jack…” Sam cautiously began, looking at you,“... um-this is Y/N…remember? We’ve talked about her“

He turned around.

What? That’s the antichrist?.

“What the hell?... how old are you?”

He tilted his head at you and you snorted by how similar he looked to Castiel, “I’m…a year, 7 months and 4 days ..old .“

“Oh, my God!” you shut your mouth, extending a hand to him.

“Hello, I’m Y/N” you smiled. He looked at your hand and then at Dean and back at you. Starting to feel awkward having your hand hovering mid-air, you started to lower it, but Jack finally grabbed your hand and squeezed back, giving you a beaming smile.

“I’m Jack”

“Nice to meet you, Jack”

“You are ...not afraid of me?” he asked tentatively, sounding more like a statement than a question.

“Do I have reasons to?”

He smiled, blushing, lowering his eyes, ‘oh no, he’s cute’

“Ok, now that we are all here… ” Dean clamped his hand on your shoulder, startling you, “... Y/N, care to tell us what you’ve been up to?”

“And that’s how I found out the two families who were still active. I went to the one that was closer to me and knocked at their door. A real-life Cluedo like butler opened. Mind you, I almost laughed in his face and flashed the Men of Letters sigil. Next thing I know I’m being led to the poolside. There was this gorgeous woman sunbathing as the rich people do, you know?”

You looked at Castiel and Jack, “...Like…one piece bathing suit, pearl necklace, big floppy hat, huge sunglasses. I swear I looked around for cameras because, I mean, you must be shitting me, and she was probably drinking vodka at 10 am but, hey I don’t judge. Anyway, I tell her who am I and all that jazz; she introduced me to her daughters. I ended up in some kind of Amazon utopia and I was all for that. I talked about you. Well, not about you-you, but American hunters. They seemed awfully interested in ‘your kind’ which does sound a bit racist, I guess”

“Hear that, Sammy? Women of Letters' den just for you”

Sam gestured for you to continue as he rolled his eyes, clearing his throat.

“Short story short they took me in, taught me everything I needed to know and introduced me to the HQ. They hired me to do what I do and that’s all. I completed the initiation and they gave me my key.” you said slipping out your bunker key from your pocket and stroking it affectionately.

“AH!” you slapped the back of your hand on Dean’s chest,

“…that, I didn’t miss,” he said blinking down at his chest.

“-I brought gifts for everyone!” you ran up the stairs and out the bunker to retrieve the little, silver trolley.

When you went back in, you stopped at the top of the stairs, taking your time observing the room below. You had missed them; you had missed them all so much. How could you have missed someone you’ve known for less than a week? They represented your new life, a life no one knew about. Your parents thought you were abroad to join a research team and so did all your friends.

Then, there was Dean. That really wasn’t the reunion you had in mind but you also didn’t know where you two were standing now.

“Hey, you need a hand there?” his voice snapped you out of your thoughts.

“Coming, coming”

With a pleased smile and a loud groan, you put down the trolley on the table. That thing was heavy.

“Jack, you first, since it’s my first time meeting you.”

The boy lit up like a Christmas tree. “I don’t really know you but they told me you like these very much”. You threw him a bag full of different kinds of nougat. “It artisan, really expensive, really traditional, really good.”

He looked like he was about to cry. You stared as he stood up and came over to you. He seemed scared to touch you so you opened your arms, giving him permission. He smiled and hugged you, and then he drew his head back and kissed you quickly and what the fuck.

You let out a whimper and froze, not knowing what to do.

“Jack! The hell you think you’re doing?” Jack let you go and looked at Dean in confusion.

“I’m just doing what you do with girls. They seem very happy when you do that. I wanted the same for Y/N”

Dean spluttered, Sam laughed and Cass just rolled his eyes.

You touched your lips blushing, “T- that’s a nice thought Jack and I appreciate the sentiment, but you usually want to do these things with something special, ya know?”

“No, I don’t. Are you mad?”

The puppy eyes, he did the puppy eyes. Not the puppy eyes!

You ruffled his hair, Dean’s eye visibly twitching.

“Of course I’m not mad. Just…just ...guys a little help here?”

“Why don’t you give us the rest?” Sam took mercy on you.

“S-sure ...here, Cass I – I hope this is the right color” you tossed a bunch of ties, silk cobalt ties, like his eyes.

“Thank you Y/N, you remembered.” he smiled warmly rubbing the fabric between his fingers.

One of the times Cass had visited you, was because you were choosing a tie and very intensely trying to find one to match the color of his eyes. It must have felt like you were calling to him. You had then spent hours trying to find the perfect match and you recalled that he seemed to particularly like the feeling of the cool silk.

“And now, Sam!”

He straightened, hearing his name. “Man, these were the heaviest things I brought back. I had to give up a couple of pairs of shoes for them, you better appreciate.” One after another you piled up four big old, dusty books. “This is part of the lore of my branch; I hope they’ll be useful, maybe. They also look pretty so...”

Sam stood up quickly and snatched one of the books from your grasp, gave you a quick hug and dived right in.

“Nerd!” Dean whispered.

“Dean!” you called.

His head snapped up to you as you searched through the luggage, “Don’t think you got what I want in there," he said like the little shit he was, but you could see how his eyes tried to look inside the suitcase.

“Oh, really? Guess I’ll keep this for myself if I get homesick”

You picked up packages of ground coffee, “... and this too!” you said lifting up a Moka by the handle, swaying it.

“Oh, hell yeah!”

You spent the rest of the evening filling them with a description of the way the Men of Letters worked back in your country and listened to what they had been doing since the last time you had spoken.

“Guys, I think I’m gonna hit the hay” Sam announced getting up, a book under his arm, patting Dean’s knee “Y/N feel free to crash here for how long you want”

“Oh, but I don’t want to –”

“You heard Sammy. Besides, you are a Woman of Letters now. This is your home too,” Dean added, watching you while taking a sip of his beer.

#Epiphany 1 #epiphany #finally edited #reader insert #reader fanfiction #reader x character #reader x dean #dean winchester #dean x reader #dean x you #dean x y/n #dean winchester fanfiction

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sweatandsunshine · 5 years

Text

All Steps Forward are MIGHTY

For years I struggled with weight loss without ever really taking any actions to change the fact that I was gaining weight. I would bitch and complain about how gross I felt sometimes but continued chowing down on daily fast food stops. By the time I was graduation high school I had hit 220 lbs. I had always been heavier than most my age and it happened slowly over such a long period of time I never realized how much I had truly gained. In 2015, I started working at a fast food restaurant. My addiction to the tacos, fries and donuts came to a sudden halt as soon as I began working and watching the food being made. The job that made almost everyone around me gain weight saved me in a way. It wasn't until today, four years later, amid beating myself up for gaining a couple pounds during my period, that I finally stopped to smell the roses. All year I have been obsessing over trying to force a million good habits into my life. I felt this dread as if I was 21, 220 lbs., drinking beer and eating junk food still. I felt like I was at the beginning.

But I'm not that girl anymore.

Without forcing it, I had already implemented some ace habits into my daily routines and they were a beautiful part of me now that I was taking for granted. I'm not 21-year-old college student, I'm a 25-year-old college student lol. But I'm 165 lbs. of ambition, who drinks water instead of alcohol, chooses to shop at the farmers market instead of the drive thru, and would rather have a group of uplifting beans than those dang downers.

So yeah, it may have taken me 21 years to change my ways (at least take the beginning steps) and four more years of self-realization. And during those four years, it was slow progress and only 55 lbs. But it's the foundation of something amazing and knowledge that can only be built upon from here on out. People in my real-life came up to me and would ask me what I did to lose it, so I decided to just write it out here. There were only four things I really changed and they all came naturally. Like I said, it took four years of self-realization and self-love to even realize what I did that really helped me. Let me tell you, it was not starving myself and fad diets.

Remember, this is just me and my body and literally 4 things I changed through a long period of time that added up in a really good way. There are still struggles sometimes but that a whole different post.

The Four Things I Changed:

1. Hydrated

- Before I was sucking down sweet tea like it gave me life, and creamer filled coffee. So yeah, water basically revived me.

2. Cut Down Fast Food

- Basically, right after I started that job I stopped eating that shit. It's definitely not that appetizing when you watch Joe make it with no gloves.

3. Moved My Body

- Well with this one there really was no choice for me. I was on my feet 35 hours more a week than I ever was before. Before that you're just at school sitting in your desk. So now standing and walking all day, definitely helped a lot. Granted if you just go get a little happy movement, some sweat, 20-30 minutes a day more than you ever did, you'll also see results.

4. Slept More

- I stopped hanging out with the people I used to and with that stopped my late nights and partying. Definitely helped me in a positive way. Got my ass to bed and woke up for work.

Also, disclaimer here (will be making a full post on this too at some point) but when I say "results" I don't mean weight. I just use weight because it’s the easiest thing to judge, and only because I don't have my measurements from back then. Results are best looked from the perspective of progress in movements. Also, with how your clothes are fitting you. How good you feel. And if you really need some visual, take before and after, you don't have to show anybody if you don't want to.

Love the body you're in and accept the now so that one day you'll be more fit and healthy and still accepting. We aren't always going to be as shredded as fitness models, and you probably don't want to have to be as restrictive as them either. Be happy, hydrate, nourish your body with whole foods from the rainbow, and enjoy life.

We aren't starting from scratch even if you feel like you have taken steps back. We are ever evolving.

So even if mine were just naturally and maybe not for the reasons you thought, they may help. They may not. I don’t know. I’m not a professional. Just a standard girl putting out her normal ass life. But I hope maybe it’ll help.

No more "I'll start Monday" because we already have.

Take a moment and thank yourself for every step you have taken to build a better you.

All steps forward are mighty, no matter how small they may seem to you.

And shine a light for the others in need, someone is always behind and someone is always ahead but we can all learn and help each other.

It’s time to grow and nourish ourselves. It’s time to take my body back.

I hope any of this even makes sense but oh well, this is unfiltered. Welcome to my mind lol. If you ever make it to the end of these posts, leave a comment. Tell me what you may have changed for the better without even realizing it.

#personalblog #fitness fitnessjourney #strong #selflove listentoyourbody nourishyourbody #transformationtuesday

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tmblogs · 7 years

Text

March 15, 2017

(Warning for anyone who reads this, really probably only Clare, and Anna, but this one might get wierd. I mean if you guys read this I am still not sure if people look at this blog or not. Remember this is my unfiltered emotions about the day, and is a diary where I record my thoughts… so really dont read this one okay guys really i swear dont read it dont fucking read it). Woke up it was my birthday today. Me and Anna were talking last night until pretty late, but I had a fucking lab to do, actually two, but yeah those labs sucked. Went to bed at three, and finished them in the morning. My parents made me waffles this morning, which isn’t not normal I mean we make waffles all the time, but I appreciated the gesture. They also bought me more fucking cologne, the expensive shit, which I am very happy about because it wasn’t to much. I totally forgot how fast it shoots out when you first get a new bottle think I accidently put way to much on but whatever. I missed first period on purpose, because i couldnt do three tests in one day. In chem the tests went better than I thought, but two problems I just couldn’t get. I have the second part of the test tomorrow. After that I saw Anna, which is always nice, and we sat in the art room with maggie, and theo. Maggie was continuing her painting of plums, and like I was watching amy curry paint something a few days ago, and like goddamn is it relaxing watching people that know how to paint, paint. I have no idea what to do though, because Jason came up, and like the whole situation with him as just gotten way overblown, which is understandable, because there is so much emotion intertwined into the predicament. I just feel so guilty about the whole thing, because I don’t know if Anna was okay with cutting him off, and I know she did it by her own accord, but I basically accidently told her to when she found that private blog. I mean I didn’t want it to happen like that, but I really don’t know what I wanted to happen. I want them to be friends because I know she enjoyed that friendship, and her being happy is important to me. Would I have been fine if she had cut him off for like other reasons yeah, but now that I am the reason I just feel bad. Saw Colin today we had wierd interaction in the hallway. He was probably just having a bad day. Still was wierd though. I just sat with hannah at lunch and scrambled to do math homework because kristiana was on the photo trip so. But she didnt even check the homework. Ooooh and mr. Boogaard fucking cornered me and forced me to say I could take the test. Math was fine, just checked the homework. Gym was good I studied for my math test, but me and clare couldnt walk outside because of the fucking snow so that sucked. In english we are watching a beautiful movie, and like every few seconds I just want to gasp because it is either beautiful or just extremely genius. Then study hall came around, and I took my math test, and it went well I think, i was rushing though because I thought I had to take a history test that I hadn’t studied for in like a few minutes. But when I walked out of the library I was just like no not going to happen today it’s my birthday not gonna be taking a fucking history test sorry mr. Boogaard. Lowkey scared how he is gonna react to that tomorrow though like really. I sent him an email at like 3 in the morning so hopefully he gets it. I walked home with Anna. It was nice, but then we seperated ways. Me and sean were talking about sex, and shit today. (Alright stop reading now after this ppint is where it will get wierd so stop reading everybody if there is anybody reading dont read it i swear Anna Clare if you went against my wishes and got to this point okay, but do not continue) He was fucking exasperated with me. Because he was talking about how he just wanted to hook up with anybody, just like a one night stand type of deal, and he was like asking me about Anna and shit. And i was like even if Anna asked me right now to have sex I would say no, and he totally didnt understand. I dont know maybe I’m weird, but like how are you supposed to just have sex with someone you know. There has to be like a stromg intimate connection there, and I mean that takes time I feel like. But he thought I was fucking stupid so idk, it does sound awfully feminine, but I mean what’s wrong with that. So yeah I still dont kmow if he is gonna asl out ashley or not hopefully not because she will reject him, but also I kind of hope he does because I want to see what she will say or how she’ll reject him. Anna thinks I should tell him not to do it but idk. I picked up icecream from my house, and I also brought a bowl because I didnt know if Anna would be one of those people to not like eating out of the same container, and I mean i am usually one of those people so I would understand, but I mean if I am going to be kissing her like sharing icecream is like nothing so. Brought it just in case though. We are getting through gilnore girls pretty fast although I have no fucking idea about what happened in the last few episodes we watched. I mean I have already seen it twice ao it doesn’t really matter. Ah but kissing her is so good, and just feeling her body, and being close to her, and she is so beautiful, and amazing I dont know what to do with myself. We’ve been going to like a house that she has been house sitting at though, which has been great because we can be fucking alone, but apparently she is losing the house soon so what the fuck are we going to do then. I mean it’s not like we can make out like that in my house, and while her house is larger I am deathly afraid of her parents walking in on us. I mean that would be so fucking bad I think they would literally murder me. So i dont know what we are going to do because we cant just stop or I cant at least she’s addicting. So idk and it’s way to cold outsidr, but hopefully it will get warmer. Ah there are so many things I would like to do with her, snd I cant wait. Going to the beach with her especially. It will be beautiful i mean the beach is beautiful enough, but with her there like it’s going to be fucking insane. Idk and the beach is my child hood I mean we’d like go every weekend no matter what season or month. I mean my family all grew up there, and I sort of grew up there even if I didnt live there. So hopefully I’ll get to take her there too. Hooefully that’s the beach we go to. I mean it’s the best beach, but she probably has another in mind. But yeah being with her was amazing, and is amazing. But also it’s like I’ve totally stopped caring about anything, but her, and that isnt good because I have so much fucking work, and every so often i think about it and I get so anxious for like a few seconds and I need to do it, but I cant think. Alright well I got home, and had chicken soup with cheese, because it tastes better with cheese, and some fried rice. (Another wierd thing coming uo dont read please)(really dont)(please) I havent masturbated in a while, which is wierd, but literally all the porn I used to look at just doesnt turn me on, and I dont know what’s up, but it’s cool, and yeah that’s all basically that was my birthday. It was pretty great in my book. Sent mr. Boogaard an email so hopefully he gets it before I have to see him. Agh I love Anna so much it kills me. Alright going to sleep for another hour I think

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