Chill's ramblings about the DCA fandom and personal feelings and issues towards TSAMS (both positive an negative):

(I'm writing this like an essay but treating it like a diary, so if I jump from subject to another, it is because I am just typing as the thoughts hit my head. Sorry for being so wordy.)

I simply feel like I need to write my thoughts down, so why not share them with you. Maybe you can validate my feelings or something, I don't know.

Intro:

So, oof, I got a fic rec from @thedenofravenpuff and I'm loving it so much I really wanna draw fan art for it...

But the problem is that it's a TSAMS fanfic and I've sworn to my name I'll never draw anything related to the show because that will make me engage with a part of the fandom I'm not comfortable with.

My biggest issue with TSAMS:

I have such complicated feelings towards the show and its fanbase and I do not wish to make my life and work more difficult because of it as it already is.

My own work and characters are already constantly being compared to TSAMS. When I first introduced Solar to my fic, he was constantly being referred to Eclipse from TSAMS. Now that the show had a character with THE SAME NAME, it has been even worse.

Dolldrop Moon has been compared to Lunar. Even though the dolldrops existed before the youtube channel was even created (and Lunar made his debut much later).

The biggest issue I've had has always been the fanbase, that takes the show as the canon for Sun and Moon from FNAF and uses it as an excuse to harass shippers like me because they think Sun and Moon are brothers.

I've first handedly seen the damage the fanbase has done to some of my friends who draw, or have previously drawn art for the show besides their own AUs and personal headcanons of Sun and Moon as lovers. I'm sorry to tag you, but @kriimhild and @fablekitty : I've seen how the immature side of the show's fans have treated you, I am so terribly sorry you've had to defend yourselves over and over again for things that were not meant to be mixed up.

I have posted some ideas of a possible Animutant Moon and Sun forming a polyamorous relationship with Solar in the future of "My Dear Daffodil" on my personal/adult Twitter account. Someone kept commenting on my posts that I was glorifying incest, because Sun and Moon were brothers and Solar was their cousin.

The post had "Animutant" in it. Not "TSAMS". These comments came from a person saying they were 19 in their profile. So it's not just kids who can't tell not every fanwork is about TSAMS. It's starting to be some adults too.

Vice versa I've had another person comment on my very clearly SFW Twitter how they're following me because I am an adult artist who draws TSAMS incest. I have never drawn TSAMS art. I ship Sun and Moon, but they're never related with family bond, because I love presenting them as lovers.

Why I ship Sun and Moon:

Because I am a hopeless romantic. I love romantic love. Every single story I write is always about love.

The only exception to this is the Poppy Playtime comic I am doing. But even then, I was originally planning for a romantic love between Dogday and the Player. Yet, I decided to leave it, and keep the relationship open for any type of representation the reader themselves will prefer.

I used to watch The Sun and Moon Show when it first started airing. I loved their playthroughs. I had a big distaste for them calling each other brothers, as well as some of the first "lore" videos they had. My biggest issue at the time was how Moon treated Sun, though. As someone who grew up with an abusive sibling, it sometimes just hit a bit too hard at home.

But it got better after Eclipse and Lunar appeared. Moon was more caring, and I started to really like his character development. There was one episode where Sun explained to Lunar that he and Moon had simply just "decided" to be brothers, despite not having a canonical relationship.

This actually made me really happy. Because the Old Moon was aroace, the love he felt was simply never meant to be romantic, but platonic. And by making Sun his brother by choice clearly indicated that Sun was always the one he loved the most - in a way that was suitable for aromantic person like him.

And it really made me enjoy the show for a while. Sun is my favourite character, and despite not always liking the way the show presents him, I always feel so much love for him, no matter the AU he is in. So I loved that Moon loved him more than anything, even if it was just platonic. Because I've always been under the impression that the canon Moon loves Sun, and is only under a virus to protect him. For me, the best part of any Sun and Moon AU is to know that Sun is the most important thing to Moon.

Why I stopped watching TSAMS:

And then that Moon I had really started to like, who loved Sun more than anyone else but just platonically, died.

It hurt so much I simply stopped watching the show. I've watched a few episodes here and there after that, but I am having a hard time liking the show the same as I did before.

Partially it's because of the fanbase. Partially it's because I don't find the lore very interesting and some of the stuff a bit repetitive. Partially it's because I am scared to see Sun eventually crumble up into madness, because he has been through so much.

I like the New Moon. He is funny and nice, what I've seen. His relationship with Solar has been interesting, and I genuinely hoped they would've been able to take the romantic route after Moon said he wasn't sure if he was aroace anymore. But as I said, I've only watched a few episodes after the old Moon died, so I don't know either of their characters that much to form any strong opinions about them. I just listen to the Monty and Puppet podcast once in a while and get a little inside to some of the lore that has been happening.

But hey, at least there's fanfics. Which is why I am rambling here today.

Fanfics:

It is a rare treat to find Sun x Moon fanfics that aren't simply just porn, or do not include reader inserts. So since my romance-filled brain needed something to fill the void, I've started reading some TSAMS fics with romance (that wasn't between Sun & Moon) and plot in them.

I know Solar was settled to be a "cousin" to the weird family tree of TSAMS. But I simply crave for Solar and New Moon to be at least queerplatonic. Solar is not from their dimension, no matter how much they decide they're 'cousins' it doesn't make him their real cousin or relative because they're not from the same world.

Sun and Moon are brothers but they technically gave birth to Eclipse, who then created Lunar so Eclipse is technically Lunar's parent and then brother and Lunar is Sun and Moon's brother and... do you see what I'm trying to say?

The family tree is so complicated that I don't think I'm a horrible person for shipping Moon and Solar and reading fics about them. Tell me if I am wrong though.

The FIC that is making me question everything:

So Puffy recommended this fic by @theinfamousdoctorf , "Eclipse Meets His Match".

I'm currently on chapter 40, and I am genuinely surprised how much I am liking this fic so far. It got everything; redemption and character growth, the representation of Sun as the good, glowing angel he is in my mind (for canon, and every AU. He is always perfect in my eyes I love him can you tell lol), slow-burn romance, drama, excitment, plot, jokes and funny moments... even if there are a lot of mentions of sex and sexual pleasure, it doesn't feel out of the place as there is so much more to it too.

Eclipse's redemption to become better and realising he is in love with Sun has been so interesting to follow. Sun deserves the love. I love when Sun is getting loved. I literally ship him with every other animatronic in the games and love it when people ship him with their self-inserts and OCs. Because I love him so much I want him to be loved in every possible universe he is in.

Even bigger bonus to this fic is the second pairing, Solar and Moon, which I already opened up about above. I don't know how much the fic is truthful to the canon lore of the show, but I wish to pretend this fic is the canon now /hj.

I love the characters and how they're written. I love the descriptions of their flaws and hopes and dreams. How vulnerable they can get. How closely they stick together. And as an appreciation for making me tearful and excited about fanfiction in such a long time, I would hope to be able to gift the author some fan art for their fic.

But I've sworn to not draw anything for the show. For my own good. I've got too many awful comments already from the fans of the show despite never doing any art for it. I am just scared it will turn things worse.

End words:

I don't know if creating a new alias would be the right choice. So my main name/account would be spared from the confusion that the show's fans seem to stirr into, where one tsams artwork turns all of the artist' work into tsams.

I don't care if the art style would be recognisible. The artist would be me, but not PixelChills. Just so I could gift something to the author of this fic that is currently saving me from the boredom of being unable to write my own.

Thank you.

(This text has been typed on my phone, so pardon for any typos).

-Chill

ECLIPSE

What your favorite SAMS/LAES character says about you!

(This is a joke, please don’t take it too seriously) (Also, I have edited Moon’s since I got some complaints)

Sun- You probably have 20 million AUs, and just think he’s a cutie pie.

Moon- You PROBABLY have a ‘To Be Murdered’ list… or you just have anger issues.

Earth- You either have her personality, want/need therapy from her, or you’re Monty.(You SIMPER!)

Lunar- You’re a bean on the outside, but you have your true colors hidden on the inside…

Solar- You either draw him with his shirt, or don’t AT ALL. There is no in between. Also, you’re cool.

Frank- You look scary, but you’re sweet. Or you’re probably just quiet… yea, maybe that..

Eclipse- You think he’s one of the best written villains ever, and cry every time someone even MENTIONS his death. You threw a party when he came back.

BloodMoon- You’re a murderer! Or your oc stories/the stories you read are about murder…

The Creator- WHY DO YOU LIKE THIS GUY?!?! WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE THATS GOOD?!?! I WILL hunt you down, and I WILL hurt you. That’s not a promise, that’s a VOW.

Ruin- You’re broken, but you’re fixing yourself. You’re goofy and either love or hate company.

Rotrick- You like evil tails.

KillCode- Out of all your friends (or siblings) you’re the mom of the group.

The random characters- You’re just there… watching…

Monty- You simp for him, or you simp for Earth. No inbetween.

Forgor- You wish they could erase your bad memories.

Castor- You’re serious, but soft.

Pollux- You’re soft (and goofy), but can be serious.

Gemini- You either have a twin, want one, or just want someone who understands you.

Foxy- You can get away with sneaking something.

FC- You have ENERGY, MY MAN!

Stitchwraith- You Attacc, you Protecc, and best of all, you snacc!

Solar Flare- You have a stalker, or an imaginary frien.

Multiple characters- (Mix of the two answers)

Someone not listed- You’re sometimes forgotten, like them! (Sorry, this is a joke)

All of them- You’re a happy psychopath! :)

None of them/aren’t sure- …what is wrong with you….

Okay HI hello 👋👋

I saw ur art about Sun & Moon through a reblog and I am such a simp for those two omg so here's a rant :33

(Also if you're not comfy with this pls ignore this rant then, and I am so sry if that is the case!! Will stop immediately if you tell me to /srs)

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CAN I JUST SAY I am sosososososo in love with your desgin for the dca cuz holy shit I have never seen anything hotter. O.O LIKEEE THE HUMANOID VERSION??!?!!?? UGH soooo goooodd 🥵🥵 I love the designs and the- the little EARRINGS as well?!??! Omg sooooo cutee aaaaaa 💞💞

and-and omigosh UR ART IS SO GOOD AS WELL!?!? I straight up just wanna munch it. I am eating ur art fr. In LOVE with ur artstyle it's so yummy 😍

Anywhoooo I also scrolled through your dca tag aND *GASP* ECLIPSE?????? 😍😍AND I?? WANNA??? BE ENVELOPED????? BY HIMM??? (I feel like mans would give THE BEST cuddles on the planet!!!)

HOLLLYYYY SHITTTT thE SIZEEEEEEE

Big tall omigoshhhhhhHHH M- my brain- my heart my- mY EVERYThIng is mELTING! ! ! ! ! Literally his size just does something to me I cannot comprehend why omigosh

(*lays in a puddle on the floor*)

I can imagine sosososo many different scenarios where that height could be used aaaaa >~< <333 ;P

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Omg if you have any HCs (and *wanna* share, ofc.) about him (Or about Sun & Moon) I'd love to listen to you ramble about them??? <333

So curious about ur HCs & would absolutely love any crumbs about the dca ksskksskkdkdjdks ❤️😂

Uhm uhm first off, thank you so much I can't rlly put into words how sweet this is and I totally don't mind the rambles because me too. And also because its been YEARS since I last used Tumblr or did anything answering Ask is a bit tough for me.. MmMM

Although I don't have many HC at the moment.. I can however give you a little insight I have regarding my Human DCA :]

Moondrop (Moon) and Sundrop

- when I first designed Moon (after the game came out) he had a much wilder look to him, especially the face because I was really into the idea of him being simply insane hence the red.

- later when i got back to his design and adding colours I thought that it would be fun to make it Blue and white themed, which I actually didn't see a lot back then

- he wasn't supposed to look human even as a Humanoid, I liked to think that Sun & Moon simply had a renovated body. They are just as much Animatronics as they had always been, robotic parts and everything but with a bit of twist

- So then onto Sun.. the thing is its sad to say but I never explored much with Sun's design back then as much as I did with Moon, so I can't provide a good reference

- although I had a rough idea of how sun would look like I never quite liked the way I drew him, so he's always somewhat been stuck in this unfinished stage

- Then there was eclipse, who was my absolute FAVORITE at that time, I don't think I loved a character MORE THAN ECLIPSE EVER when I was drawing him out

- yes!! It was very much inspired by the 3D render shown here as the ref, though I did make some changes of my own to the design as well

- I had a lot in my head when I was drawing him, but the one thing that I loved most about this design still to thisq day is rhe face. The way I him to look back then was sort of a mix between my Sun and Moon designs, only leaning more towards Sun in colours and Moon in appearance with the crazed look in his eyes

The height was just a funny little thing I thought of, cuz imagine this giant fkn ahh robot just comes in here and picks you up 💀 god I would piss myself

Cough..

So in regards to the new design, I did kind of get rid of the animatronic feel to him that I had done with the DCA and his old design, all of them now look a whole lot more Human which is what I intended for

Eclipse has a few scars around his body; right forearm, left side of his torso that leads all the way up to his chest. Plus a bit of his face that is burnt which you can't exactly see because of the Black spots

Overall I like my newer designs quite a lot and has also changed a lot, this is probably the most insight you'll get out of me abt my art 😭😭 cuz I don't usually ramble this much otherwise

I might come up with some head canons at a later date, but they'll be fun thats for sure ;)

Here is Canon Eclipse's Soul in the RE Universe as he currently stands. I didn't digitalize it, but i may do that later on.

I also will explain in detail how the animatronics' souls work in this universe underneath. Some pretty complex stuff so it'll be underneath the Read More.

RE! Eclipse's soul bind was drawn here for comparison

I'll start with the soul basics. Sorta similar to Undertale but with my own twist. On my main blog a long while ago, i shared how i think the souls worked, and what made the animatronics as advanced as they are.

I used FNAF: Special Delivery as reference for formulating this soul thing so keep in mind it is not canon information at all, nor is it supposed to be accurate.

Remnant can be different colors, noted in fnaf ar when remnant hunting in the camera. And undertale colors are different traits so i applied some of that logic to creating the souls here.

Red: determination, and passion

Orange: Persistence, bravery

Yellow: justice, charisma, energy

Green: kindness, gentleness

Blue: calmness, integrity

Cyan: patience, calculation

Purple: persistence, and perseverance

White/rainbow: Compassion, and innocence

Black: Agony, Anger, Vengeance

The remnant used in the animatronics to create their personalities are a mixture of these traits, and each bit of remnant used has varying levels of potency which leaves room for little quirks in each personality. So even if the same amounts of remnant are used to create a remake of a character, they're never the same. Each will have their own little unique quirks.

Given the amount of bodies Fazbear Ent has under their belt, i don't see why they wouldn't use this. Especially since they know about the existence of it thanks to Afton.

Remnant can also vary in age. Younger remnant comes from children, older remnant comes from adults. The remnant used, depending on the age of it can impact behavior. Younger remnant usually makes a character more childish and slower to learn while older remnant usually makes character more mature and also quicker learners. It still varies greatly between individuals.

No, this doesn't make the animatronic souls a conglomeration of the people the remnant came from. It creates one single new individual. Remnant is just traits that make up a soul. So a new combination of it, even if it came from different people makes a whole new person.

Black remnant is different though. It remembers. Black remnant is corrupted remnant that had something happen to it that it remembers and actively seeks to hurt others. In some cases, it targets whoever hurt it. Black remnant is not used in the animatronics, but their remnant can get corrupted and become black remnant. Black remnant can be reverted, but there is a process to that.

Animatronic souls will usually be the color of their most dominant trait, or a mixture of their most dominant traits.

The souls will also take the form of the animatronic they were put into. (For example: Sun's soul was put into the daycare attendant when it was in 'Sun' mode so he took on his appearance that way, and Moon's soul was put in when the Daycare Attendant was in 'Moon' mode so he got his appearance that way, etc, etc) (yes, Moon is younger than Sun but has more mature remnant in him)

Now with those out of the way..

Sun's soul is a mix of Yellow, Orange, and white, giving his soul a gold look. That is also why his eyes glow gold.

Moon's soul is a mix of Cyan, Green, Blue, Red, and Orange, but his eyes glow red for a different reason even though red is not the dominant trait of his. Remember how i mentioned there will be a KC arc? Imma just say KC has something to do with that. Moon's soul is Cyan and blue in color.

Eclipse's soul (both Canon's and RE's) are the same mixture as Moon's soul with fragments of Sun's soul but also Black remnant. The black remnant came from the stuff Moon tried to leave behind having gotten corrupted because it felt like Moon had wronged it. Hurt it. While their souls are basically the same as Moon's, remember the quirks i mentioned? That's also what changed them, and them being left in Sun allowed them to take on an appearance similar to Sun's as explained above. Eclipse also used the secondary rays to set himself apart from Sun so those became part of his soul. In RE's case, his black remnant reverted, and he also gained compassion which is why his right eye now glows white. Canon's hasn't.

Lunar's soul is a mix of White, Cyan, Blue, Green, and Yellow. It's rare for White to be a dominant trait, but in Lunar's case, it is. That's why his eyes glow white.

Now onto health stuff.

All the souls share 2 things in common. These souls are synthetic so they are not as well-bound together as a genuine soul even if they're made up of pieces of genuine souls.

The animatronic souls have these things called Soul binds. It's usually on their neck piece. For example, this is Eclipse's Soul Bind.

And then Sun's and Moon's

These soul binds are what holds their souls together. Hence why they're called "Soul Binds". Every animatronic has one, and they vary in shape and color for each one.

The second thing they all have is the chest decal. These also vary in shape, but always have a white glow. The chest decal is basically a health gauge. When the glow is a bright white, that means they're healthy. The glow weakens if they're sick in some way or too damaged. If there is no glow, and the chest decal is black, that means death. For example again, Here is RE! Eclipse's chest decal

Eclipse is damaged, but his glow is still a relatively healthy glow. Canon Eclipse's glow would not be healthy in comparison. Canon's would be more like this, somewhat

This is a Moon from another AU of mine that i have not shared here. It is not a SAMS Au, but for the purpose of explaining the soul stuff here, this is a decent example. A weakened version of him. I will explain the crack thing underneath the health stuff.

RE! Eclipse has recovered relatively well which is why his chest glow is a brighter white. He is as recovered as he will get. The cracks in his soul bind and chest decal are permanent though.

Canon Eclipse only just began recovering. His soul's chest decal is broken open though thanks to prolonged exposure to the star. He would have died if he kept it even a little while longer. He was on the brink of not recovering, but the star was rendered powerless just in time. He suffered greater damage overall so his recovery period will be a very long one.

The soul bind and chest decal are dependent on one another, but they can also work independently. For example, if one of them gets sick, their chest glow can weaken, but the soul bind stays perfectly fine.

However, if the soul bind itself gets damaged, that directly impacts the soul's overall health which will weaken the glow from their chest. That damage is permanent, and also, the more damaged a soul bind is, the worse the soul's health is affected, and it leads to a lot of issues like memory loss, fatigue, loss of orientation, loss of balance, exhaustion, and weakening. Things that Canon Eclipse is suffering right now.

The chest decal can crack, as shown on Eclipse's and Moon's images above, but for different reasons. Eclipse's crack is only on his physical body, hence why the crack is the same color as his outline. It's like a scar. It's partially harmless. The cracks in Moon's are white because those are internal. Canon Eclipse would have both white and outline colored cracks in his chest.

This part of the health stuff talks about a prolonged death sequence.

Since these souls are weaker than genuine souls, there is even stuff that can negatively impact animatronic souls. It's a long process.

There is a death sequence that happens when a soul is not in control of a body for a long period of time. The only ones who really had to worry about this are Sun and Moon since they were 2 souls in one body.

The sequence happens over many months so as long as they regularly switched out, they would be fine. But say one brother kept the other locked away for an extended period.

There are 4 stages to this.

Stage 1 (1 month-2 months trapped): The trapped soul begins to weaken.

Stage 2 (2-4 months trapped): The soul continues to weaken, and also starts to lose their memories. White cracks begin appearing in the chest decal

Stage 3 (5-9 months trapped): Memories are all gone, and the soul weakens to a point where they can barely move. The cracks in their chest decal have only multiplied, but not spread passed the decal yet. Their eyes also become a sickly white color. They can still be saved in this stage, but recovery will take a long time. Memories may also be recovered but again, that will take a long time and also the right triggers.

Stage 4 (Death): The cracks in the chest decal spread across the whole soul's form and multiply until the soul completely shatters. Once stage 4 is reached, they can't be saved, no matter what is done to try.

The worst part of this whole sequence is it's entirely painless. The affected soul won't even know it's dying until the very end which causes panic, and fear. Some could be more gracious than others but most of the time, it's a horrifying experience.

Here are a couple other comparisons.

Healthy Moon

Stage 3 Moon (Again, different au, not RE)

However, this process is sped up in damaged individuals. Both Eclipses for example. RE! Eclipse would have maybe 6 months tops if he were trapped too long. Canon Eclipse would maybe have 2 months tops with the damage he currently has if he gets trapped. (Be glad Solar Flare doesn't know this.)

And that's a wrap to my soul explaining. I hope it wasn't too confusing. I will gladly clarify things if needed.

This is kind of just me needing to write out my feelings to understand them better, because we have a lot of mixed feeling about Eclipse’s death right now. Sorry if it doesn’t make much sense.

(This turned out much longer than I thought so I put everything under the cut, but I think everything written down is important. Also, when emotions are mentioned, I’m talking more so about healthy coping mechanisms to cause better emotional outcomes. I didn’t really know how to properly word it until I wrote a lot of this so I didn’t want to have to go back and change it. The post is long enough as it.)

I kind of hate how media portrays that death is the only way to handle “bad” trauma survivors. As a trauma survivor myself, seeing this makes me feel like society hate me. Yes, Eclipse was a terrible person, but was death really the only option? Truly and honestly?

It’s so blatantly obvious to us that Eclipse didn’t know how to use healthy coping mechanisms because he was never taught them. His entire life has been bad thing after bad thing. He quite literally woke up for the first time to learn he had been abandoned and left behind because he was Moon’s unwanted coding. His first feelings he ever truly felt for himself were confusion and hurt. On top of this, he was trapped apart from the real world with his only way out being something that badly burned him. When he finally gets out he’s met with extreme hostility and hate (which I don’t blame anyone for with the way Eclipse introduced himself in the first place). His own creation he made to help get him out of Sun’s headspace (Bloodmoon) turned on him and tried to kill him. Every single person in the entire show either turned their backs on him or used him for their own gain.

Yes, Eclipse was kind of doing this to himself, but people also seem to forget what part of Moon he was made from. He was Moon’s attempt at removing the kill code. A code specifically created to kill and hurt. Moon was at least created with other protocols that counteracted the kill code. He had other emotions and thoughts besides the code made to make him murderous. Eclipse was the code, or at least a part of it. He was made with no other emotions and impulses to pull from. Anything else would have been needed to be learned, which he never got a chance to do.

People might argue that Kill Code, the actual code itself, was able to become a good person where Eclipse hasn’t, but I feel these two scenarios are pretty different. The fandom is really bad and doing the Trauma Olympics with these characters, which is a very bad thing to do. Comparing people’s trauma is disrespectful and just plain rude. Trauma is trauma, it still hurt someone regardless of what it was that caused it. While Eclipse and Kill Code are basically the same thing, they went through two completely separate experiences. Also, Kill Code had access to coping skills that Eclipse never had. Kill Code was still connected in some ways to Moon, where as Eclipse had been completely cut off.

Earth was the only person who ever really tried to help Eclipse, and even then she was biased. The first conversation those two really had was the first therapy episode they had together, in which she blatantly tells him he can’t be fixed before she even hears his side of the story. The only things she’s heard about Eclipse are from Sun and Moon, one who is amnesiac and the other who’s had to deal with the worst of Eclipse’s torture. The way she talks to him in this episode also shows that she thinks he can just choose what emotions he is feeling. Once again, I want to go back to the fact that Eclipse was made from Moon forcefully ripping out his kill code. He doesn’t know how to feel any other emotions. They were never programmed into him and he was never taught. Every meeting after that between those two was just Earth getting more and more fed up with Eclipse until she kind of just gave up.

(I didn’t mention Lunar trying to help Eclipse specifically because Lunar never actually did. He supported Eclipse for a bit, got fed up with the constant stress and trauma, and then became Eclipse’s enemy. There was no therapy attempt like Earth tried.)

I’m not saying Eclipse was a good person. He has only ever killed, maimed, tortured, and abused his entire life. Everyone he met was instantly shown hostility, and they had every right to return that same energy back. He did absolutely terrible things and should be held accountable for them. Being traumatized does not give anyone the right to do any of what Eclipse did.

The thing is, Eclipse did still have a chance at redemption. We’ve already canonically seen several other “bad guy” characters get redemptions. Kill Code was given a redemption arc. Lunar was given a redemption arc. Bloodmoon was killed, but both canonical characters and the fanbase believe they could have been redeemed. There is absolutely no reason that Eclipse could not also be redeemed.

I think something the fanbase doesn’t quite understand is that redemption and forgiveness do not go hand in hand. Some people feel like a step in the process of redemption is being forgiven, which isn’t true. You can be forgiven for your mistakes, but that has nothing to do with your personal growth. That someone else’s emotions entirely. Sometimes, something you did will affect someone so deeply that they will never be able to move on. As long as you are striving to be a better person and doing everything you can to achieve that, then you are redeeming yourself.

Eclipse never really seemed to want to change, but I think that’s also because he was never given the tools to do so. I think his last moments really show that he could have done better had he been given the support he so desperately needed.

Eclipse wasn’t scared of dying. He was scared of being hurt. He literally asked Solar Flare, in a very shaky tone, “Do you think it hurts?” He said himself that he was tired, and I think he was just done with the hurt. He was in a constant state of emotional turmoil and pain and he was just done.

Honestly, maybe Solar Flare summed him up perfectly. Eclipse was not a good person, by any means, but he cared. He always did. Probably too much, about things he really shouldn’t. And in the end it cost him everything.

In the end, I do feel Eclipse could have been redeemed. He may not be forgiven, but I don’t feel like he never could have changed. This is just another example of someone who went through something terrible becoming bad because they didn’t have the resources they needed to be better. It would have been hard for him, but I do feel Eclipse could have done it. Especially with how low he was during his final moments. But that’s just it. He’s dead. You can’t fix things from the grave no matter how much you wanted to.

Death will never been a good replacement over redemption.

I thought about it for a while and noticed something the show needed: balancing angst and fluff.

Don't get me wrong, I quite like a good dose of angst, but after a while it gets a little too much. what I'm trying to say is that I want sweet moments and wholesome interactions between the characters and them helping each other through their struggles and when something big happens to one of them, it's going to be more painful to watch them recover from what happened.

in short: i want to cry dang it :,)

yea, you , me and many other do also want this to be balanced again, and I say again because back in october, thing were balanced, Eclipse got kicked out, and Lunar was slowly trying to make Sun to like him, and this is also a thing I have against Earth, she pusheed her way into this family while Lunar asked Sun how he felt about the "call you brother" thing, that was soo sweet! and then the Lunar minecrat pack vid! felt so so right!! and then the moment with Moon and Monty!! so sweet yet sad! the BM vid were both amazing! fun but sad too, as we got to see his side of the story! and we get to see they live in a curse, yet they try to survive, its also funny how the murder brother are more heatly than the "good brothers" hahah the ep could have some sad info, mixed with small visual jokes! it was amazing! and well balanced! only few ep punched us the chest, then it woud slowly come to a soft moment, to then give us such cute scenes.. then the whole KC saga.. made things "tense" it was still fun at times.. but.. didnt flow the same way.. maybe the only good jokes was daddy KC seems like now they want to make things fun again.. but.. no videos makes me want to click on it haha but yea.. I dont think the show is well balanced again but also, I didnt see so im talking nonsense here!

I will preface that arcade Blue Moon probably acts a little different than normal blue moon.

What does that many times Blue Moon's ages more on a spectrum. They will act older or younger depending on the situation. Younger Blue Moon is usually the more happy side childishly whining about things and wants to play. While the older side is more likely when Blue Moon is thinking. Giving life advice. Pointing out faults in people's thinkings. And cannonly is also there when they are trying to destroy somebody. It's more calculating.

Arcade Blue Moon is the tested extremes of this. And also somewhat a regression of this idea. Arcade Blue Moon has a partial and total eclipse looks. Blue Moon's design is actually based off of partial look. But that information isn't exactly needed. All that's needed to be known. Is the fact that Blue Moon reverting to the arcade version of their character. Meaning that what I shifted into a delicate dance of age. Is a literal change in personality.

Arcade Blue Moons partial look is the embodiment of a happy child. It is balloon boy. It has always been balloon boy. The arcade balloon boy who is happily jumping through life. Never once really changing from that happiness. They are a naive child. I would probably describe partial arcade blue moon to be honestly more in line with ravenous. If not just a bit older than them.

Meanwhile arcade blue moons a total look is, well, a demon. They take from the total eclipse of the arcade game. That absolutely devilish face telling you to take a nap. They get clever. Conniving. Slinking their way in a predatory fashion closer and closer. Asking if perhaps you are ready to die. They're less naive. But at the same time they're not quite there.

This is the basic idea between sun copy and red moon. Sun copy is a happy child who doesn't really understand that maybe what they're doing is not great. Red moon is an animal that wants to eat and devour whatever they can. RBB Blue Moon has always been the neutral mix between the two. Honestly RBB Blue Moon is what arcade blue moon can become or perhaps was.

I'll let you read into that last line as much as you want. Either that or ask the characters in the stardust arcade. But here is that explanation that I felt needed to happen so nobody gets whiplash.

Ok but what's your favourite parts about shadowgast, why does it scratch all the right places? 👀

It’sabouttheyearning.jpg

There’s so much to love. Clearly I have a TYPE, as my experience with choosing favorites went about like

Friend who got me to watch CR: So who’s your favorite so far?

Me: Shit how do I choose? They’re all great. Toss-up between Molly, Caleb, and Beau I think?

Caleb: *reveals his Tragic Backstory*

Me: never mind, that one, it’s that one

So I guess it was inevitable. Honestly? The BEST thing about it? Is that the talent behind Caleb ACTUALLY, PERSONALLY CONFIRMED THE ATTRACTION IS REAL. Multiple times. Not just in “nod nod wink wink say no more” encouragement to the fandom out of appreciation for his character’s popularity, but STRAIGHT UP SAID THIS MAN IS BISEXUAL AND ATTRACTED TO ESSEK IN MULTIPLE WAYS

Which means that if Liam ever nuts up there is a very real chance of it becoming canon. Like, not tinhatting, but an actual, real chance, and even if they never hook up, it is fucking canon that Caleb is into Essek. As badly as I’ve been burned by SPN and the MCU, and even to an extent Hannibal—gods know I love Bryan Fuller & co but as a frustrated queer man I’m allowed to be a little grumbly over (paraphrased) “they’re in love, it’s a love story, but not ~PHYSICALLY~”—my interest in Shadowgast was tentative at best until I reached that particular Talks Machina. And now they’re both escalating, manhandling each other, favoring each other, showing off for each other, like...this shit is real, and I’m reeling from it. This isn’t something queer people normally get to HAVE in media, especially queer men. But CR? CR puts blatant Shadowgast fanart on their official website and displays it in their fucking streams. I would say I have no words, but... *gestures at this post* ...clearly I fucking do, lol.

Normally we’re relegated to smirking subtext or established background couples that hold hands in the suburbs. There are countless stories in media of men who are, in subtext, very clearly bonded romantically, but textually “””really good friends””” or “””like brothers”””. Despite all our progress since the Hays Code, men in media by and large don’t get to have their attraction to each other treated as an explicit thing with real potential to be explored as a romance. They just don’t. It’s still too taboo. So for Liam to just casually say “Yes, the attraction is real” (again, paraphrased but only in terms of word order) is fucking monumental. So it gives me hope, something I’ve been short on for most of my life and that has not served me well in the past.

It has certainly helped to watch the rest of the cast’s /fucking faces/ during their Moments and know they ship it as hard as anyone.

But that’s all extradiegetic. Diegetically, I’m a sucker for narrative parallels, and Caleb has made the parallels of their trajectories explicit. I sat up and went 👀 the first time Caleb went out of his way to touch Essek, and they’ve been in orbit with each other ever since. So there’s an element of that “shared life experience” thing I love so much in Stucky: they understand each other in a way that no one else understands either of them; they mirror each other’s ambitions and transgressions, each other’s strengths and flaws. They have so much to offer each other even aside from their similarities as grown “gifted children” with tragic crimes in their pasts: an exchange of experience in culture and class; their forward-thinking imaginations; their loyalty, previously sworn to no one; their resources, both the disparate and dirty and desperate from Caleb, and the refined and academic and political from Essek; their power, in terms of magic and intellect and sheer will (power exchange joke goes here).

They are the sun and the moon and I ache for an eclipse.

All this, and the fact that they should by rights hate each other, but both are apostates in their own way; both long for change and are willing to break reality to achieve it. They could bring out the best in each other or the very worst. They are a volatile mix and I want to see what new molecule will come of their atoms bonding, as well as the explosive chemical reaction when it forms. They are a perfect match that should have been perfect nemeses, had things played out just a little different for them both. What’s more beautiful than that? What’s more powerful than that? To see these two men who are nuclear reactors, who are stars, spiral together through the dark, on track to crash together and leave nebulae in their wake. There is so much potential energy generated when they sway close and every week we come closer to it becoming kinetic.

I should temper my expectations. I’m not a prognosticator, as my history has clearly fucking shown time and again; I can’t know that it’s a WHEN and not an IF. But the odds, man. They’re the best goddamn odds I’ve ever had.

Now here at the end of this I should disclaim that I have drunk half a bottle of $4 strawberry wine so please excuse me drunkenly waxing poetic like the pretentious piece of shit I am. Thank you and good night

Sorry, I didn’t mean to overload you. I tend to ask more questions about Hakuji than Kokushibo & Doma because I feel like other people have deeper thoughts on Doma than I do & when it comes to Kokushibo, my impulse is to analyze his interactions with Yoriichi to microscopic detail. Like how the guy never repaired the flute he cut in two when he

slashed Yoriichi’s corpse in half! Even after 400 years! Did that reflect Kokushibo’s belief that he irreparably severed their brotherly bond? Or does it mean that Kokushibo believes he can’t rebuild himself as the caring brother he used to be? After all, Yoriichi said, “I think of this flute you gave me as you.”

that's ok! i just figured i should officially let people know so they won't be disappointed in my lack of replies to their rum hakuji asks. it's always a nice seeing your essays on kokushibo's character in my inbox! initially i wasn't a big fan of him since i couldn't understand just how he could be so petty, but after some insight from you and my friends i started to take interest in him.

it could be a mix of both, since in that moment kokushibo turned his back on everything for the sake of power. he might be keeping the flute for more reasons than sentiment, also as a reminder that there was no more turning back. so even just the thought of repairing the flute was so terrifying to him, because where else would he go? he chose this path, and he paid the price for it - his family, the demon slayer, and his twin that had loved him so much - he couldn’t afford to return to the path he once walked. so might as well double down and commit to this path of his own choosing. i doubt muzan helped much in that regard either.

Also, their last meeting took place during a red moon, also called a blood moon. Since the end of the Heian period, Japanese people have viewed the blood mean as a portent of disaster. This was the night that Yoriichi, the only person who could single-handedly defeat Muzan, died. Now here’s something interesting about blood moons: They only occur when the moon is full AND when there’s a lunar eclipse. Kokushibo practices Moon Breathing. On one hand, the full moon signifies how Kokushibo’s powers can reach their full potential with Muzan’s demon blood in his veins. On the other hand, the moon falling under the shadow of the Earth signifies how Kokushibo has lost himself to the dark side. (Japanese mythology also states that Amaterasu, the sun goddess, retreated into a cave during a blood moon, thus depriving the world of light until the other gods coaxed her out. Yet another reference to how Yoriichi, the supreme sun breather, seemingly left the world in which Muzan still lived without the light of hope).

the sun/moon symbolism between the twins are always so enticing. it really captures their relationship well: the moon could only ever reflect light from the sun with no light on its own, and kokushibo really took that bitterly into heart, trying so hard to be better than him, to be yoriichi, to the point of leaving everything behind.

you know how yoriichi type 0 was said to have six arms because two arms couldn’t replicate his original movement, while kokushibo himself has six eyes? both kokushibo and type 0 were just cheap imitation in that way. in the end, kokushibo could never see the world yoriichi did; not the transparent inner world, but rather the world and humanity yoriichi was in love with and tried so hard to protect.

despite his six eyes kokushibo was blinded in his pursuit of power to see what truly mattered, that it wasn’t always about skill or strength, but also people and the bond formed between them. he was always looking at the wrong things until it was too late. he tried so hard to become the sun to realize that the moon has its own place to belong too.

(Side note: What if Yoriichi & Michikatsu combined their Sun & Moon breathing to create a move called “Eclipse”? That would have been amazing!) Sorry for cramming so much into a single ask.

oooooh that’s an idea isn’t it!! i think eclipse breathing wouldn’t really be a breathing style on its own, but like sun breathing in that they’re both graceful enough to be taught in the form of a dance, and with moon breathing moves combined into the forms, similar to how the 13th move of sun breathing is all of the moves combined.

Binary verses Duality

(Or Hybrid has DUMB terminology issues)

Disclaimer: First off, before I really begin to say ANYTHING. You need to understand the explanation expressed here comes from an... incredibly insular view of the world. I've been raised in... what was pretty much a religious cult and exist as a white Australian. So if there's anything that isn't quite right, feel free to correct me, call me out, or just add your own thoughts in general.

Soooo this is actually going to be a weird kind of place to come from for me, but I have VERY different meanings and associations with these words that make me say some things that I'm sure some people take in ways I don't really intend. Or you know just make me sound in general like a fool, or even insulting.

Which, look okay-- I could wax on and on about this just in general, but I’m aiming to HOPEFULLY get this out before the end of Pride(HAH, that was optimistic), so I’m going to have to actually get on with talking about it. In all the areas it matters, sooooo I’m going to be doing some character analysis in the process. And what better considering what has recently released and what I am still very, very much obsessed with.

Soooo-- Let’s talk about my dumb terminology issues, and let’s talk about how that applies to my understanding of Mummy from Tadeo Jones and then also a few other characters, just because lord, I just really need to get this out there so I don’t have it all messy up inside my brain.

So first off, I think I have at least once already, if not other times, gotten messages mixed up because of how I refer binary verses duality.

And I’m sure I’m going to keep doing it until I actually finish this rant. Okay, so--

I think I need to restart.

So let’s start with a bit of basics.

My first exposure to binary was actually I think in programming? Or maths, the 0-1 binary “language” there’s only two. One or the other, and no in between. Which is very narrow. And in fact, I’ve never really been able to expand beyond that when it comes to the word, which even extends into my understanding of gender--

You’re male, or you’re female, with no real middle ground, that’s the binary. Even trans people, male or female, just with a prefix then I had the whole trauma thing with non-binary because I’ve had this one or the other view ingrained and drilled into my head for so long. Because if you’re not in the binary, the 2 what even are you? A nothing--

So when I complain about binary, it’s in the one or the other and no in between let alone blending way. Which yeah, Western, I-- wouldn’t be surprised if other people have ways to interpret binary that’s different but-- I grew up with this--

1-1 no other choice.

And then we have my insistence on duality. One can’t exist without the other and at the edges they blend. Duality is a reflection, a loop, a cycle. Male and female are separate states of been, they’re a binary, good and evil are reflections of one another, they’re a duality-- and every good thing has just a touch of evil, can’t have roses without their thorns, Day and Night have the evening and dawn where they blend into one another-- the Yin-Yang symbol and how it has the eye dots for both…

I mustn’t make much sense but--

Duality is more, and it’s why I complain when people are so black and white on morals and good and evil. Acting as if morals are a binary when the reality is so much more complicated. In some ways I wonder if English doesn’t have the words. Or maybe I just don’t because I’m still that sheltered kid who grew up in a cult that made me fear the very term most people would use to describe me. (Agender is safe, means I can lie somewhere in the binary but not answer to either-- I am just a-gender).

So how does this relate to characters?

Sun and moon symbolism and Mummy--

Again this is really late and I’ve probably missed a loot of window dressing points but-- Mummy is a character who’s gender and self is kind of best represented in the way of describing him as an eclipse. He is a meeting of duality.

Life and death may be a binary in how you’re usually one or the other, but the undead make it a duality, and even without that. There’s plants and animals, concepts where life comes from death. The very thought of a cycle of rebirth. Makes it duality. I mean heh…

Good and evil, so many people call this a binary concept, and I-- get uncomfortable. And this is reflected in how we’re presented to Mummy initially--

I mean certainly sets it up as if… well you know. Actually just in general, kudos to both Tadeo movies for how they don’t go the “obvious” route with villains-- well aside typical tropes. But that’s story beats, the impression those characters would give on their own--

You wouldn’t expect it-- Buuuut I’m going off on a tangent here, because here’s the thing. How Mummy gets framed initially-- hell, even in foreshadowing kind of way--

Like think of baby Tad’s FEAR!

And what it is in reality, a phone company advertisement. The framing here as if it’s something big bad and scary-- What we’re told verses how it comes out. Leads me to my good and bad as duality rather than binary.

You can say quite easily something is objectively good, or objectively bad. But it’s the same way as someone’s treasure may just as easily be regarded as trash by someone else. And aside a few very specific things, good and evil is a sliding scale that’s all over, same with Light and Dark and morality is it’s own whole mess that just makes my head spin more often than not.

I mean, I have a year’s old analysis that I’m going to post that goes slightly more in but-- yeah.

Uhhh anyway…

So yeah, I had some thoughts for Luca regarding this as well, but like-- it’s been a few months. And I can’t so easily explain, but it really is in the perspective of the metaphor they used in the movie. Monsters and othering, and the duality of the land and sea-- but I really don’t have-- my thoughts for that.

Or even how to explain-- So you know what I won’t even try right now.

(Also for gender fluidity in the binary, it’s as simple as when you flick a light switch back and forth, back and forth to my understanding. Although not really, but fluidity is settling. On, off. And yes, I am nodding to Camilo Madrigal when I think of it in a way-- but I’ll have a greater analysis later most likely)

Anyway, yeah this is all I have to say on the issue here, so yeah. Feel free to add your own perspectives or whatever, I’m just going to… leave it now.

So @antipopist share this beautiful analysis with me and I think you should all take a look :)

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART

Ever since we met Lucas for the first time, we started noticing that he lives between two completely opposite forces. On one hand, there is the Sun, which represents every aspect of his identity he allows other people to see and acknowledge. On the other, the Moon is everything else that is almost always hidden from the surface.

When a person lives with a secret, they start molding their life around it so that every trace which leads to the truth can be eliminated. This decision forces them to become something they are not in order to maintain a disguise in front of the world. As a consequence of it, this person’s true self starts fading slowly, and they feel like half of them is always sleeping.

As time goes by, Lucas gets even more used to the character he created to protect himself from the threats he finds along the way. When the daylight comes, he wears his mask and pretends to identify with the toxic behavior society demands from men. In his mind, he needs to talk about girls all the time, treat them like objects, brag about making out at parties to his friends, and all the other stuff directly related to how dumb straight males behave. It is when the night comes, however, that Lucas faces his own fraud and allows himself to be truly human. During this time, even though he is safe from the harms of the world, he simply cannot escape from the damage that comes from his own mind.

Due to the fact that Lucas’ daily routine is based on reproducing this behavior over and over, it’s comprehensible that he gave up on searching for better ways to live. He got so familiarized with this pattern that he stopped looking to his particular sky, where his Sun and Moon are maintained apart from each other. It was when Eliott appeared in front on him, like a beautiful Ursa Minor constellation he had never noticed before, that he started paying attention to how his decisions are leading his life to a place where he will not be truly happy. Seeing his new love interest, who will eventually become the love of his life, was reason enough for him to consider letting the eclipse of his own being happen.

It is unfortunate, to say the least, that human beings still struggle to be who they really are. To this day, there is a lot of gay people, for example, who have countless reasons not to come out to family and friends, but this sad and forced decision will never be their fault. We are placed in a very judgmental society that embeds prejudice to the way we think in very minimal doses. This almost imperceptible danger not only transforms us in a home for poisonous thoughts, but also allows us to become the ones we once were afraid of. In the end, we see ourselves spreading toxic ideas which help pushing people inside of boxes they do not belong to.

While confronting heterosexuality and homosexuality as paths with both pros and cons, Lucas gets easily confused with the double/mixed messages he receives from the people surrounding him. It gets even worse because none of his friends know about the fact that he is actually gay, and this whole situation proves that we can hurt others without ever noticing.

I will give you two examples:

Yann: “This weekend did not matter.” (Episode 3, Clip 1) Although Yann is trying to comfort Lucas by saying that the trouble he caused (about Chloé’s party) was not something important, he is also unconsciously suggesting that the moments Elu shared have no meaning at all. If the weekend did not matter, then Lucas could think: “Well, maybe that afternoon with Eliott really did not mean anything special, because he already has a girlfriend and is very happy with her. I should probably forget my feelings about him so that I can focus on Chloé instead.”

Alexia: “It does not work like that. Why would I go out with some dude? If I am into a girl, I am into a girl. Do you choose who you fall in love with?” (Episode 3, Clip 2) While explaining that people should listen to their hearts and forget about what society tells us to feel, Alexia made Lucas feel bad about what he had said. Even so, he learned that bisexuality is not about going out with someone of the opposite sex to hide a secret same-sex relationship, just because one does not want to be called “gay”. This is where it gets trickier, since a specific thought can cross Lucas’ mind: “I act like a (toxic) heterosexual with my friends and it feels like I am doing what is expected from me, but when I do the same thing with the girls, I am told I should love whoever I want. What is the truth?”

Two things are for sure: Lucas is fully aware he is gay, but the fear of suffering does not allow him to let go of his mask. There is an inevitable apocalypse on our tiny boy’s horizon, and it makes him panic to the point where neither his Sun or Moon can provide safety anymore. Lost between these two forces, he starts becoming a stranger for both his friends and Eliott, even though his desire is to be loved by all of them.

We all know the story we are following will have some very dark moments, but we must not forget that Lucas is the hero of his own story. This means that, after all the chaos which is yet to come, “the boy who is afraid of the dark” will eventually discover his shadows as an essential and inseparable part of himself. When this time comes, he will look up to the sky and realize that he does not need to reject his Sun or Moon, because the combination of the two is the only path possible for him.

Heroes and Thieves, Ch. 4

Title: Heroes and Thieves Fandom/Universe: BTAS, pre/post-RotJ flashback

Summary: A story about second chances, healing, and having hope.

Rating: PG-13, for references to character death, child psychological torture and trauma.

Genre: Romance/Family/Friendship/Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 5,361 Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3

Also on ff.net and AO3.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Thanks for your patience, here's part 4~

See me here in the air Not holding on to anywhere But holding on so beware I have secrets I won't share

-t.A.T.u., "Clowns (Can You See Me Now?)"

Then.

“Psst.  Hey look over there, it’s that Brown girl.”

“The one hanging out with the freak in computer class?  You think they’re dating?”

“Ew, gross.”

“You know I heard she got knocked up by some loser in high school.  I bet she has like, no standards.”

“Wow, what a skank. So she’ll sleep with anyone, huh?”

Look who’s talking, Queen Jezebel.

Stephanie tried her best to ignore the snobby gathering of rich sorority girls as they gossiped and giggled loudly behind her back in the gymnasium locker room, mingling and clinging onto the clear alpha’s authority.  Hiding and huddling under a protective umbra, umbrella safety in numbers.  …So much for college being better than high school when it came to cliques and bullying.

As they passed by her change station – all the adulating acolytes swarming around their leader like an amoeba – one appendage broke away from the buzzing cluster just far enough to bump blatantly into her bare shoulder.

“Whoops.  Sorry.”

The drone drawled in an excessively sarcastic tone that didn’t sound sincere at all, to the observant master’s smug approval.

Really, just like high school.

As tempted as she was to make a snide remark on the obvious imbalanced power dynamics, Stephanie managed to swallow her pride and suppress retort.  Biting her tongue until they were out of sight, upon which she stuck it out in an equally mature gesture in their wake.

“So like anyway, I hear this new gym opened up on the outskirts downtown.  It’s kinda out of the way – like, by the boonies almost – but apparently the instructor there is really hot.”

Stephanie couldn’t catch the statement that ensued, as the distance between them had already advanced to the point their fading words were muffled by rows of metal.  There was a shrill burst of shrieking laughter before they exited though, harpy peals mixed with a round of half-appalled gasps, rebounding and resounding raucously off steel.  Odd, she could’ve sworn she heard something about pirates…?

She sighed and shrugged as she got dressed, wiping the workout sweat from her face with a towel and pulling her sweatshirt over her sports bra.  She didn’t much mind being lumped in with the outcast crowd; frankly she was used to being looked down upon by others by now, but the derisive comments still stung her self-esteem – especially when she was already having a bad day, due in part to being so bluntly turned down by the public pariah she was supposedly “associated” with.

Face it, girl, not even the “freak” is interested in you. What were you even thinking, blurting out something stupid like that.  It must’ve come off as totally desperate; someone as smart as him probably doesn’t want to bother spending time with some dumb blonde chick who can’t even find her way around campus anyway.

She had come here to blow off some steam after being grilled on her grades in addition to the above gaffe, but now thanks to those sickening sycophants she was sorely reminded of her own poor social – and subsequently intellectual – standing.  Missing culture and class (in all senses) often made her an easy scapegoat, much as she endeavored to rise above those who stooped to such low level of insult in order to make themselves appear somehow more “sophisticated”.  She couldn’t help being a bit ruffled though, bile riling spitefully in her stomach as self-doubt simultaneously rolled about her conscience.

I mean come on, who are you even kidding?  All you’re really good at is PE and pretending to be from a decent background instead of another broken dysfunctional family.  Doesn’t matter what his type is, he’s way out of your league.

While she normally tried to cover up lack of conviction with clever wit, this was just the newest in a long series of successive failures (though it certainly didn’t top the ultimate blunder she’d made once).  Chalk another one up to the slew of screw-ups and setbacks that plagued throughout her past, piling up to the point she may as well be called the Leaning Tower of “Please Kick Me”.   Despite exertions to deny at least one side of her upbringing, the dominoes were stacked against her since birth.  Any psychoanalyst worth his salt (assuming she could even afford one) would point to a mess of complications stemming from childhood, starting with “daddy dearest”. Freud would likely have a field day with her “father figure” fixation – in the more negative than positive association. While both parental “role models” had problems with neglect in the past, it was the paternal ones that particularly persisted.  Thanks to her poor excuse for a pop, she’d suffered her share of blows (both emotional and physical) that defeated and deflated a daughter’s dignity, culminating in a personal vendetta against crime and clueless adults who can’t even properly take care of their kids.  (Which in itself was one of the reasons she sadly but firmly determined in the end to give her own offspring up for adoption.)

Objectively, it was no wonder she had terrible luck – if not taste – with men, chasing endlessly after a string of doomed relationships (and consequently consecutive rejections), sought as a self-diagnosed surrogate to replace the male attention and affection she never received growing up.  …So she idly acknowledged the full irony of the situation when, in order to distract from her dejection, she considered the inadvertent advertisement mentioned earlier as a potential solace.

Maybe I’ll go ogle some eyecandy for peace of mind.

She had promised her mom she’d come home for the weekend after all.  She could stop by on her way, scope the – ahem – place out a bit.  From the sound of the discussion, it was located fairly close to the suburbs, and establishing affiliation with an exercise facility near her neighborhood would be pretty convenient during vacations, compared to commuting back and forth like she did in high school.  (Having a certified hunk for a fitness instructor as well would just be a nice bonus, icing on the cake.  Given her strict regimen, surely she deserved to treat herself to some confectionary “consolation” on the side.)

…When she stepped off the bus in the middle of Gotham’s busiest shopping district though, she realized she probably should’ve done more research into its exact whereabouts first.

Dear Diary, remind me to print out directions next time.  Or at least a map.

As she wandered hopelessly through the streets, now without the benefit of a guide or even a destination address to go by, eventually probing enough passersby bore fruit.  By the time she arrived there though (out of breath as if she had already run a marathon), the sun was starting to set.  Craning her neck to gaze up at the building sign towering above her, she snorted slightly at the lofty title.

“Out of the Nest Aerial” – what a weird name.

A bell chimed as she entered, alerting a man who was bent over some boxes in the back of the lobby (which smelled of fresh paint and renovation), apparently busy packing away some materials.  He must’ve been surprised by a customer at this late hour, as she caught a cursory lift of his (lean yet muscular) arm to glance at a wristwatch.  Still, he called pleasantly over his shoulder:

“Be right with you in a moment.”

Eyeing the robust frame of his behind, she assured:

“Ah, take your time.”

donotstareathisbuttdonotstareathisbuttdonotstareathisbutt

Damn, those gals seriously weren’t kidding about the view.  …As the ass-umed target of their talk turned around though, she realized what they must have been chatting about that set off such a funny fit, following screeches with shushes.  Steph felt her own face flush as she admonished herself for inappropriately zoning in from one conspicuous feature to another.

donotstareathiseyedonotstareathiseyedonotstareathiseye

Despite the discernible… “deficiency” in the other’s visual department, the defect didn’t detract from his overall attractiveness, magnetic movie star looks unmarred by partial eclipse. One shining moon’s force of gravity was sufficient enough to draw her into its depths.  …If anything the shadow blocking the opposite sun’s reflection only enhanced his handsome appeal by augmenting an alluring air of mystique and intrigue – a Mr. Tall, Dark, and Mysterious if she ever saw one.  Hell, the rest of his heavenly body’s figure was practically flawless, revealing the results of what must’ve amounted to years of intense physical training.  Aside from deducing self-discipline as part of his personality, he carried himself with the convivial charisma of a cheerful showman presenting some grand performance (which she vaguely recollected from her father’s former game show hosting days). A voguish comportment vaguely cobbled from the kinds of classy male caricatures generally seen strutting on red carpet catwalks, peacocks fanning their feathers for their – in this case – drabber female counterparts (fans who would squeal and fall over themselves with glee if given a chance to even get within vicinity, let alone dare to lay claim of victory).  Suave and stylish – if slightly synthetic.  All preened plumage and perfect poses, placid and practiced.  Like plastic roses, permanently planted for all to adore – parading proud and prominent down a promenade.  Whose upbeat character’s charm was hardly diminished as he grinned gregariously in greeting, the gorgeousness of such a stunning smile more than making up for any handicap.  …Although she noted the guy’s gait seemed somewhat rigid for somebody of his stature, walking with a minor limp towards her.  Her blush deepened as he approached, exuding a masculine musk as his powerful paw extended to shake.

“Welcome.  How can I help you, miss…?”

“Brown.  Stephanie Brown.”  She babbled rapidly, tongue tying again as she tripped over her response. “Nice booty- I mean, nice butt- I mean, nice to meet you.  …You know what, I’m so sorry, I’m just gonna go.”

Fortunately, he seemed to take the semi-suggestive (if perhaps politically incorrect) comment in stride, simply chuckling aloud with unalloyed aplomb.

“Trust me, I’ve heard it all.  Richard Grayson, at your service.”  The dreamboat flourished a forgiving bow, adding with a flirtatious smirk:  “You can call me Dick though, all the ladies do.”

ohmygod please stop

“Um, I was wondering if I could check you out-” She hastily checked herself again.  “Er, check out your equipment?”  God, why did that still sound so embarrassing to say.  “I was thinking of signing up to join if you’ve got memberships available.”

“Sure, although we usually close around this time.  Was just about to lock up soon actually.  I’ll make an exception for such a lovely little lady though.”

Red crept further onto her cheeks.  “Thanks, I’ll just take a quick peek.”

He nodded.  “Feel free to look around, most of our stuff’s upstairs. Would you like me to give you a special tour?”

“N-no, that’s okay.”

She squeaked, subduing an internal squee.

“All right.  Let me know if you need anything.”

She skipped swiftly up the steps, heart skipping beats.  Today was turning out to be a pretty good day after all.

When she reached the upper floor though, she stopped short to see someone was unexpectedly there before her: the very person she had intentionally come to forget about.

What’s he doing here?

He didn’t seem to notice her presence, focused intently on a pair of uneven horizontal bars before him. Muttering something to himself under his breath, clenching his fists and flexing a few times.  After the limbering stretch, he inhaled deeply before charging at his opponent, clearing the first hurdle with ease by using it as a springboard. He appeared to have some trouble latching onto the second, but managed to rectify his grip in time, righting himself as he swung up and over in a circle.  Adjusting his center of weight, he settled into a handstand, still facing away from her.  Gradually, he removed one palm from the pipe, impressively relying on a single limb’s strength to maintain balance.

A memory pricked in the back of her mind.  Gotham High. After dusk.  An empty gymnasium.  She had forgotten her homework at school after practice, so she hopped on her scooter and raced back.  As she neared the gym though, she heard a groaning crash within, followed by an angry curse. Poking her head cautiously through the door crack, she spotted someone lying prostrate on the floormat beneath the parallel beams (which were presumably set up again by said individual after having already been put away prior), alarmingly appearing unconscious.   At first she panicked, and was about to run and call for an ambulance when the comatose corpse stirred, sluggishly staggering to its feet.  Despite dragging them a little, he wobbled over to take previous position at the end of the pad.  Stabilizing himself, he waited a minute for dizziness to dwindle before tumbling and backflipping across the entire expanse, vaulting high into the air to land – almost, but not quite – on the mark.

While she winced in his place, he merely picked himself up and gave it another go, repeating the routine over and over, for what felt like hours.  She stood there and watched with silent marvel, gaping in spellbound, slackjawed awe at each graceful arc and twist, utterly mesmerized by this bizarre boy’s sheer determination to get it all precisely right – nearly bordering on desperate, if not suicidal.  No matter how many times he tried though (nevermind shocking disregard for the quantity of bruises gained in the process), each attempt produced little improvement.  Even if he managed to successfully pull off the whole maneuver, his hands shook so much upon descent that he still slipped off the perch – almost as if some part of his subconscious were involuntarily compelling himself to hold back.  Finally, he kicked the dual poles over in frustration, storming off towards the outlet.  She hurriedly ducked around a corner, but was able to get a good glimpse at his visage before he vanished.

She knew his name straightaway from face alone; everyone did.  She’d seen him around in the halls, heard the whispered rumors, but had never spoken to him before.  Most people strove to avoid interacting with the “world class weirdo” if they could help it, and his raging outburst at the end was admittedly a bit disturbing.  …But the bitter expression of disappointment he wore as he glumly gave up became burned into her brain, ingraining irritation on his behalf.  He evidently possessed extraordinary talent, yet still wasn’t satisfied with himself. (Her own signature moves paled in comparison, and not even the most senior members on the team could come close to the caliber of coordination and dexterity – let alone stamina – required to execute the intricacy of the initial sequence.)  No one else seemed to recognize his raw skills either; or rather, he didn’t allow anyone to witness them for whatever reason.  When he showed up to class the next day sporting so many injuries, everyone speculated how the infamous “delinquent” must have gotten into some kind of brawl outside of school, and steered clear even further.  He didn’t say anything in his defense, but she found herself privately lamenting the misunderstood look of loneliness in his eyes – that in a way felt so achingly familiar from when she’d spend her mornings carefully concealing her “loving” dad’s last night beatings with makeup in the mirror.

Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to openly express sympathetic sentiment.  She had her own pressing business to attend to, as shortly after that she discovered she was pregnant.  Her louse of a boyfriend had already long broken up with her, dumped and ditched to fend for herself as soon as the quake of ’09 hit, fleeing like a coward while she stayed to try and help other survivors.  Not only that, he completely skipped town in the aftermath – coincidentally for the entire duration of her gestation period – only coming back when chaos died down and the coast was clear, in all contexts.  After she gave birth, he actually had the gall to try and get back together with her, but she kicked him hard in a certain place and then punched him in the face – twice – when he wouldn’t stay down.  (Okay, so admittedly she was taking out more aggravation at herself; maybe he didn’t thoroughly deserve the brunt of such brutal treatment, but she hadn’t had the best experience with guys who refused to take “no” for an answer either.)

While the calamity exposed some awful realities about human nature, she wasn’t the only one who chose to remain behind to aid relief efforts.  Among the scattered, smattering handful of Samaritan citizens left, she had observed another teen around her age (maybe a little younger, if his size was anything to go by).  Although for an excruciating amount of time, he seemed frozen absolute, suspended animation amidst the burning wreckage.  Glazed pupils in a trance, as if unable to process surroundings – before snapping out of stunned stupor into action.  Festinating, fighting frantically through the frightened crowd, urgently racing to rescue as many as he could from the rubble.  At one point he even recklessly risked his own life to dive under a crumbling, unstable column, reacting on impulse in order to save a small child from the structure as it collapsed.  He almost looked more terrified than the toddler afterwards, whole mass trembling (and not just from the aftershock tremors), but he held the crying kid close and soothingly promised it would be okay, that they’d find his parents, that they were okay.  He was okay. Everything was going to be okay.

She didn’t learn who he was until later, when she and the majority of the refugee student body were relocated to Gotham Heights High nearby, since their own cheap institution was devastated beyond immediate repair.  (Eventually it would be rebuilt and renamed, dedicated in honor of the late Mayor Hamilton Hill, who perished during the upheaval.)  The noble sacrifice that stranger demonstrated on that day seemed a stark contrast to his cold reputation, and she admired wonderingly from afar, confused as to how someone could portray two totally different impressions in such a short span.  Deep down, she was sure the brave hero she saw emerge back then was but a flicker of the real self buried underneath frigid fortress’s exterior, convinced that a closed off heart was far kinder and more courageous than the owner let on.

At any rate, she had enough concerns on her own plate for the time being, dealing with the “reminder” her ex had left her of their time spent together.  While she tried to keep the matter discreet, there was no way she could hide such a (literally) huge secret forever – from her mom or from faculty. When the truth came out, some of her (idiot) friends thought it was cool she was having a baby, envying the attention and constant excused absences.  Others displayed their disdainful opinions on the affair, albeit in a more “indirect” manner.  Maybe they were also jealous, or more likely her teammates were mad at her for having missed so many meetings under the pretense of “not feeling well” – only to announce she was officially taking an extended leave right before the big tournament, forcing them to scramble to redo the group floor routine.  (They were already reluctant to let a transfer “rival” join, even though she had easily wowed their coach during tryouts.)  Either way, she arrived one day to find her temp hallway locker coated in graffiti, resentful remarks ranging from “slacker” to “slut”. There were worse labels as the list went on, effectively exhausting the devil’s dictionary:

Bitch.

Bimbo.

Tramp.

Trollop.

Hussy.

Harlot.

Whore.

Dreg.

Some of the comments were so harsh and hurtful she couldn’t – didn’t want to believe they came from anybody she knew.  Given the setting’s free access and availability, anyone could’ve written (and read) those things.  So rather than instantly alert authority, she resolved to stake out between breaks to see if any vandals returned to the scene of the crime.  …By the end of the day though, no one had come forward to gloat or claim responsibility.  She was about to resign herself to letting the culprit(s) go when he of all people suddenly turned up in the vacant corridor – carrying a spraycan.  Crushed by the thought he could’ve been involved – that he was really no better than his hoodlum image – she nearly called him out then and there to give a piece of her mind… when she noticed he was also holding a rag in his other hand.

He had brought cleaning supplies.

Quickly and quietly, he set to work, applying solvent and scrubbing away all the abusive slurs, leaving the cubby sparkling new.  He promptly departed without a word, as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. She didn’t know quite what to make of this random act; lending assistance in a crisis was one thing, but for someone to go out of his way to do her a favor when they weren’t even acquaintances went well above and beyond altruism in its own merit.  (It was possible he was erasing evidence out of remorse, but somehow she doubted that.)

She never did get a chance to ask him about it – or to thank him – as her mother marched straight into the administration office upon hearing of the incident and pulled her out for the remainder of the semester, insisting on homeschooling – at least until the fetus finished its own term.  Steph had never seen her looking so strong as in that moment.  The scathing, scolding speech and matronly outline she sharply cut were striking, if somewhat startling.  Their relationship had always been rather rocky, what with the pill addiction and alcoholism and all-around abandonment, but almost losing one’s daughter in a nigh-apocalyptic event tends to put things in perspective.  Maybe she felt guilty for not fully being there for her up through adolescence, blaming herself for any shortcomings.  She took the catastrophe itself as a sign of self-punishment, almost as if it were own fault rather than Mother Nature’s.

Whatever the motive, she really tried after that to make up for lost contact, God bless her.  She got clean – for good this time – started working double shifts at the hospital to pay for damages to the house, all the while singly supporting Stephanie through the labor and adoption proceedings.  Even went on a diet and lost some weight, though they still made sure to set aside time to eat waffles together every morning. Steph wasn’t sure why the woman specifically chose something that only offered empty carbs as their “healthy” bonding agent (she supposed since it was a warm, go-to comfort food; personally she was partial to mashed potatoes herself), but it became tradition, and it stuck – as did their adherence to each other, nonartificial sweetness strengthened with syrup.

When she returned to school, she was mildly more anxious to face friends than foes; to that end, she wasn’t even sure where on the spectrum “that person” lay.  (Incidentally, she gathered he’d also spent some time “away” in the interim, which didn’t do much to dispel his shameful status.)  At this forgone stage, she was uncertain how to broach topics long past to someone she’d still never even had a conversation with.  Plus he always seemed so… difficult to approach, exuding an overwhelmingly daunting lone wolf aura. Finding courage or commonality to confront him was a bold challenge, and she always awkwardly lost her nerve whenever she came close.

Despite his history of misconduct, he was perceptibly bright – brilliant even – when it came to academics. His high exam scores earned him enrollment in accelerated classes in their senior year (although even then it seemed like he was still withholding some superior source of knowledge, moderating only enough surface energy to scrape by), and the advanced placement ahead of her only broadened the unattainable distance between them, no matter how hard she struggled to catch up…  Which made it all the more astonishing that, in the end, he’d willingly accepted a spot in the same local state college rather than a private university.  One might then cynically accuse her of seizing opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, but it was purely by chance she happened to secure a practical arrangement that put them in rough proximity.  Ostensibly though, the only other times their paths managed to fleetingly cross outside of lecture hall took place behind separate, if adjacent bookshelves – until today’s accidental encounter, that is.

As she retrospectively looked on, it seemed he couldn’t sustain the stance for long, dropping posture to hang upside-down for a moment before dismounting.  Again, some kind of subliminal instinct seemed to kick in before he hit the ground, and he stumbled with a heated swear.  She clapped politely in appreciation though, and he jolted at the noise.  Swerving, he snapped without warning:

“Damnit, will you quit bugging me?!”

Her hands halted, shocked by the sudden shout.  He blinked as he registered the spectator, growing more mortified as he became aware of his error.

“Shit.  Sorry, I- thought you were someone else.”

“It’s okay.  I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He gulped and shuffled uneasily, steadying respiration before attempting to start over.

“So.  It’s you again, huh.”

Hello to you too.

“Hey.  Fancy meeting you here.  We just keep running into each other today, don’t we?”  She ventured what she hoped came off as a friendly jibe to defuse tension, though there was some genuine suspicion behind it.  “You wouldn’t be secretly stalking me, would you?”

He didn’t fall for it. Rather than take the bait, he instead reached casually for a water bottle on the bench beside his bookbag, relatively unfazed by the half-serious allegation.

“That’s my line.”  His tone was almost eerily calm compared to before, as he unscrewed the cap and nonchalantly took a swig.  “I could inquire the same of you, I’ve got a legitimate reason to be here.”

“Oh really.  And what would that be?”

He jerked his head towards the staircase, jabbing a thumb for emphasis.  “The guy downstairs?  He’s my older brother.”

She squinted, distinguishing some physical resemblance now that he brought it up.   “You two are related?”

That… explains a lot actually.

“Not by blood,” he clarified.  “He was also adopted by Mr. Wayne at one point, so technically that makes us step-siblings.”

There was a pronounced privation of fondness in the terse, formal way he delicately articulated their former guardian’s designation, tongue tart and taut as a tightrope.  She hazily recalled reading about the second sensation in the tabloids at the time (alongside an exposé detailing the new ward’s scandalous criminal record).

“Oh right, I saw a, um, documentary on T.V. about that.  …Wait, you mean he’s Grayson as in ‘The Flying Graysons’?  The famous circus act?”

“You didn’t see all the posters in the lobby?”

He pointed over her shoulder at a giant flyer pasted over partition, the enormous wall scroll unambiguously inflating the centerpiece’s ego.

“…Ah.  Guess I must’ve been, er, distracted.”

Irises rolled in exasperation, as if expecting such a reply.  “He tends to have that effect on people.”

Curious concentration transferred from the glossy print back to him as he begrudgingly murmured this. Hard to think the two were connected to each other, if tangentially.  Like day and night, they were.  Tentatively, she tried to gear the dialogue in a different direction, nudging towards an encouraging compliment.

“So that’s how you picked up all the acrobatic stuff?”

“Uh- yeah.  Something like that.”  He winced and rubbed the back of his neck, still seeming uncomfortable with the subject.

“You’re really good at it. That was pretty amazing, what you did just now.  You should consider joining the gymnastics team, the males’ division could probably use some support.  I hear it’s in danger of being cut to provide more funding for contact sports.”  She scoffed inwardly.  Like those jocks need any more budget.

He simply shrugged. “I’m not that great.  My brother’s better.”  …It was pretty plain to see he had a heavily severe inferiority complex. Remarkably though, sourness seemed to subside as a reminiscent, reverent mist remotely shrouded his vision, looking longingly at the faded ruby and gold costume.  “You know he’s the only person in the world who can perform a quadruple somersault?”  There was a touch of envious excitement in his tenor as he placed a hand on the worn placard, smoothing over wrinkles in the parchment.  “…Or he used to be anyway, before the- accident.”

“…Is that also how he lost his eye?”

The clouded veil instantaneously evaporated.

“Sorry.  Was just wondering.”

A voice emanated from the stairwell:

“It’s all right.  I don’t mind you asking.”

The two turned to see the proprietor poised at the top of stairs, leaning over the railing as he took in the picture with an inscrutable countenance.

“It happened during the quake.   Was trying to help some victims trapped in a bus underneath the highway.  Got hit by falling debris in an aftershock.  …Pretty dumb, huh?”

“I wouldn’t say that. That was really heroic of you.”

Meanwhile, her other company said nothing, but shot a peculiar look at his brother, who merely beamed benignly back.  There was a blank, stony sort of quality to both their semblances though. Impenetrable.  Stephanie had the inexplicable feeling she was intruding on some mute, confidential exchange between the two, and decided now would probably be a good time to excuse herself.

“…Anyway, would you look at the time.  Guess I should get going.  It’s getting late, and my mom’s expecting me.”

“Of course.  Thank you for stopping by, we hope to see you back again.”

“I’m sure you will.  …Oh, one more question before I go: How do I get to Widowstone Creek from here?”

A brief description of bearings later, Stephanie strolled out the door, now confidently armed with coordinates.  The manager waved with a sunny smile as she left – though it might’ve been her imagination, but the salutation seemed a tad subdued as opposed to earlier reception.

“Bye now!  Take care.”

He subtly elbowed his younger sibling, who sullenly put up a lethargic hand as well.

“Bye.”

Really, could those two be any more different.

The sky had grown grim, but she was still able to navigate her way around well enough as she approached an area she was accustomed to.  She had been right about the place being close to her house, it shouldn’t take her long to get there.  …Although now that she knew where she was headed, she opted at the last minute to cut through a back alley to get to her block without further delay – which turned out to be a colossal, costly mistake.

“Well well, what have we here?”

Stephanie stiffened as she heard the thrum of throaty sniggers and motorbikes, headlights peering through the gloom as they illuminated a score of whitewashed faces, arrayed in garish garb; bright polka dot and patchwork patterns that were even more blinding (like looking through a psychedelic kaleidoscope, or experiencing a bad trip on some of her mom’s pills).  She would’ve been amused by their gaudy guises, if not for the gleaming assortment of weapons they wielded: knives, chains, clubs, hammers, pipes, bats, and of all things – a spiked rubber chicken, which was the only thing that didn’t seem ridiculously out of place in this scenario.  (Scratch that, they still looked ridiculous.)  Brazenly brandishing rusted iron and brass to match their brash appearance, lurid and leering.  She’d seen reports of their mischievous miscreant behavior on the news, but had never directly run into them before.  Outlying residential regions weren’t typically their turf.  …But of course today had to be the day they chose to terrorize her territory instead.

Dear Diary, remind me never to try taking a shortcut again. …Assuming I even make it out of this mess alive, that is.

She thought as she backed up slowly, finding herself fenced in by whooping hyenas, sneering and snickering as they encircled their prey.  A gang of hellion hooligans, rebel riffraff risen up out of the ashes and anarchy following the cataclysm – even more enormous fashion disasters taking after their borrowed namesake:

Jokerz.

Clowns are here to let you know Where you let your senses go Clowns all around you It's a cross I need to bear

I say this pretty much every week, but it’s still true every week–this is a collection of fics that I’m really, really glad exist in the STAR WARS fandom, there are some that are just absolute gems that should be shoved in people’s faces because they’re just so good. Some fics that are the kind that make my brain all fizzy with how much I enjoy them and how satisfying and/or heartbreaking and/or joyous they can be. All the things Star Wars should be! ✦ untitled by fireflyfish, obi-wan & anakin, ~1k    “You should be inside,” a voice says, painfully familiar. “The desert can kill with cold just as easily as with heat, Master.” ✦ Family by lilyconrad, obi-wan & anakin & qui-gon & darth maul & cast, sith!obi-wan, 6.8k    Seven years after the duel on Naboo, Obi-Wan Kenobi has turned to the dark, Maul has turned to the light, and young Anakin is caught somewhere in-between. Can Qui-Gon rescue his Padawan before it’s too late? ✦ Oversharing by glare-gryphon, obi-wan/anakin & obi-wan/anakin/padme, NSFW, 2.4k    In summary: it was about Obi-Wan feeling it every time Anakin & Padme have sex & getting frustrated about it. ✦ Pies, Books, and Swords, obi-wan & qui-gon/tahl, 1.2k    Qui-Gon Jinn has made quite a good name for himself, as far as holonet cooking shows go. ✦ wonderterror by peradi, han/leia & han/luke & obi-wan/anakin (maybe?) & anakin/padme & cast, 6.5k    The Skywalkers aren’t entirely human. Here’s what that means. ✦ The Question, Twenty Years Late by Eirian Erisdar, obi-wan/satine & luke, 1.2k    Set just post-ROTJ in a timeline where Satine survived. Waiting alone for an emissary from the newly-formed Imperial Senate to demand Mandalore’s fealty to the Empire, Satine is surprised by an unexpected guest, holding a very precious bundle. ✦ Dreamers by LuchaDoRa, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 6.2k    Obi-Wan dreams sometimes. So does Anakin. ✦ Sigh No More by edenwolfie, obi-wan/anakin/padme & ahsoka & luke & leia & cast, 158.2k wip    Anakin makes slightly better choices, Obi-Wan is a Mess™ and Padmé deserves none of this. AU from Mustafar onward with liberal manipulation of canon to culminate in some angsty, fluffy, domestic fix-it because we all deserve better. ✦ Broken by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin & rex & padme & cast, NSFW, sith!obi-wan (sort of), dark themes, 20.8k wip    The Twins are unstoppable enforcers of the Emperor’s will, the sun and moon that hang in the black void of his rule. It is said they are not the same age and that under their hoods they do not look alike, but they fight as one entity, silent and terrible as an eclipse in a spring sky. ✦ No Galaxy for Good Jedi by Annie_Walker, obi-wan & anakin & padme & qui-gon & dooku & yoda & cast, some obi-wan/satine, sith!qui-gon, 124.8k wip    Obi-Wan Kenobi was only a young padawan when he ran away with three-year old Anakin. He had no choice after his Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, fell to the Dark Side by Master Dooku’s manipulations. ✦ untitled by albaparthenicevelut, obi-wan & anakin, accidental pirate obi-wan, 1k    Obi Wan was in Scarif, which was concerning actually. Obi Wan Kenobi, Rebel Operative, Dashing Duke, and Pirate King, should not be within a system of the Empire’s top secret military research base, much less in the very city in which it was located. ✦ and gravity, scientists say, is weak by victoria_p (musesfool), obi-wan & anakin + referenced obi-wan/satine, 3.2k    “You’re not the only one who’s ever been in love, Anakin.” ✦ Rest by copper_sky, obi-wan/anakin, ~1k    Anakin has a huge weakness for having his hair played with and a sleepy Obi-Wan indulges him. full details + recs under the cut!

✦ untitled by fireflyfish, obi-wan & anakin, ~1k    “You should be inside,” a voice says, painfully familiar. “The desert can kill with cold just as easily as with heat, Master.”    This is a short snippet based on a text post that’s theorizing about what we might get from an Obi-Wan Kenobi movie and, good god, is it painful and perfect. The spectre of Anakin Skywalker haunting Obi-Wan on Tatooine, some undefined combination of maybe the Force or maybe just a hallucination, and it’s almost gentle in tone, it’s almost comforting, except that only further emphasizes the loss, it only makes it hurt more. It’s beautifully written and so very heartbreaking and absolutely in line with what I imagine Obi-Wan went through on Tatooine. Gorgeous and hurtful, just as it should be. ✦ Family by lilyconrad, obi-wan & anakin & qui-gon & darth maul & cast, sith!obi-wan, 6.8k    Seven years after the duel on Naboo, Obi-Wan Kenobi has turned to the dark, Maul has turned to the light, and young Anakin is caught somewhere in-between. Can Qui-Gon rescue his Padawan before it’s too late?    I don’t know how I missed this fic until today! But, oh, I really loved it, as it’s such a manipulative and angry Obi-Wan, who seems to care about Anakin in some way, but also absolutely uses him and isn’t with him for entirely altruistic reasons. The surface may be similar in a lot of ways, but it’s such a different character from canon (in exactly the way it’s supposed to be!) where he loved Anakin so much, where he would never have used him for such selfish purposes, though, in almost any universe, their connection and their sheer chemistry is still alive and crackling. I love the moments with Qui-Gon, who carries such a heavy weight, whatever he is or isn’t responsible for with Obi-Wan’s path and the loss of Anakin, he feels the weight of it on himself anyway and I felt so much for him, all the more so because he desperately did want to put things right, but wouldn’t cross certain lines. And Maul maybe not being good, but not being the creature of hate, not being the Sith that he was before! And the ending! All of this was really, really fun and captured my imagination and wrote some lovely interactions we don’t see much (Maul talking about how he found himself and Anakin similar! such a lovely and deft touch the fic had with that!) and was perfect as it was. ✦ Oversharing by glare-gryphon, obi-wan/anakin & obi-wan/anakin/padme, NSFW, 2.4k    In summary: it was about Obi-Wan feeling it every time Anakin & Padme have sex & getting frustrated about it.    Holy christ, my brain just about melted from the hotness of this fic. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to write a coherent rec for it! It’s one of those that hit my id perfectly, but is also really beautifully written, and the combination just pretty much made me incoherent for how much I loved it. Anakin being a provoking brat about knowing that Obi-Wan shares his experiences when he’s with Padme, that she knows the effect they have as well, those two beautiful little smug shits, is great just to begin with, but doing so to get a reaction from Obi-Wan? To provoke him into shoving Anakin down onto the bed, to give Anakin what he wants, which is to be fucked until he doesn’t have to think about anything else, knowing that it will carry over to Padme, what he’s experience, what Obi-Wan is doing to him, that the three of them combine through Anakin, all things I am really, really here for. It’s got so many great little details, the way Obi-Wan is so caringly, lovingly vindictive about it, the way Anakin comes while riding Obi-Wan, but then is flipped over so Obi-Wan can fuck him more thoroughly, really take his time with Anakin, really get joyful revenge on Padme as well, that he describes Anakin enough to make Padme groan, because Obi-Wan is a master of really good, happy revenge like this. But also, wow, does Anakin really, really enjoy when Obi-Wan does this and I’m just. Going to maybe keep this one on my reader for awhile longer, because it was so lovely. ✦ Pies, Books, and Swords, obi-wan & qui-gon/tahl, 1.2k    Qui-Gon Jinn has made quite a good name for himself, as far as holonet cooking shows go.    My only complaint about this fic is that it’s not at least 30k long and I can’t read more of it because, oh my god, it is fucking precious and absolute delightful. Little toddler Obi-Wan is the most adorable thing I have ever seen and there are so many little moments that had me practically cooing at my reader or just outright laughing because they were so perfect. It’s one of those things that sounds almost too fluffy, but there’s a sharpness to the writing and genuine hilarity to the timing of it and the imagery presented, so it’s one of my favorite things that I’ve read recently. Little moppet Obi-Wan stealing the show is the most precious thing and I WANT MORE OF THIS SO BADLY OMG but also this is perfect the way it is. ✦ wonderterror by peradi, han/leia & han/luke & obi-wan/anakin (maybe?) & anakin/padme & cast, 6.5k    The Skywalkers aren’t entirely human. Here’s what that means.    This was a neat, fun little piece about mixing Lovecraftian horror with the Star Wars universe and what that means for Anakin Skywalker, literal child of the Force, and his children. It was just really fun to see the way some people were in awe of them and some people were terrified of them and I’m always down for things that play with the Force in a universe where things work differently from canon! This was a delightful read today. ✦ The Question, Twenty Years Late by Eirian Erisdar, obi-wan/satine & luke, 1.2k    Set just post-ROTJ in a timeline where Satine survived. Waiting alone for an emissary from the newly-formed Imperial Senate to demand Mandalore’s fealty to the Empire, Satine is surprised by an unexpected guest, holding a very precious bundle.    I have a very desperate wish for post-ROTS fic where Obi-Wan goes to a still alive Satine to stay with her and this fic really makes me want that 100k epic of it, but also it’s lovely just as it is and, oh, the understated emotion and sheer amount of loss Obi-Wan is wading through here, how he’s still Obi-Wan Kenobi even when he’s been laid bare before her, with so little left of himself, that she’s the only spark still left of who he is, that and this precious bit of Anakin he still has in his arms, the innocent life here. And the reunion between Obi-Wan and Satine is lovely and perfect and it’s heartbreaking but also hopeful and beautifully written. I loved this one a lot. ✦ Dreamers by LuchaDoRa, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 6.2k    Obi-Wan dreams sometimes. So does Anakin.    The author’s notes say this fic was written a long time ago and that was something I felt while reading, like it had been written back when the fandom atmosphere was different, like Obi-Wan being thought of as someone who definitely always follows the rules, etc. But where this fic got me was in the second half, where Anakin is being a brat, trying to ruffle Obi-Wan with details of his dream, but Obi-Wan just looks him dead in the eye and not quite smiles and tells him to keep going and that is 100% the Obi-Wan Kenobi I know! Anakin egging Obi-Wan on to get a reaction out of him, to provoke his Master into shoving him up against the wall, to wrap Anakin’s legs around him like in his dream, to push him down onto the bed, until Anakin is out of his mind with desperation to please, please just fuck him already, all of that was also great. The sex itself was also nice, as Obi-Wan takes care to properly open Anakin up first, to not just shove roughly into him, the wait to finally push into Anakin, then having Anakin ride him while guiding him, all of that was very, very nice and exactly what I’m here for. Anakin being a brat and biting off more than he can chew when Obi-Wan finally responds, yesss, I will read a thousand stories about that if I can! ✦ Sigh No More by edenwolfie, obi-wan/anakin/padme & ahsoka & luke & leia & cast, 158.2k wip    Anakin makes slightly better choices, Obi-Wan is a Mess™ and Padmé deserves none of this. AU from Mustafar onward with liberal manipulation of canon to culminate in some angsty, fluffy, domestic fix-it because we all deserve better.    New Rec: I believe I’ve recommended this fic at least once before? But now that it’s up to 22 chapters, I’ve caught up on the fic and it was time to write a fresh rec for it. I do have a few things you need to just roll with the fic for–that the characters go hide out on Tatooine instead of fighting back, that Obi-Wan is often more indecisive than he would be, that Anakin’s emotional problems tend to go away more easily than I think they would. But the point of the fic is to write a really long, really revel-in-it story about the domesticity of these characters on Tatooine, to just wholly embrace digging into the slice of life stuff in this remote, isolated area where it’s just the three of them + the twins + Ahsoka. It’s a story that has the room to breathe with the characters, that it’s not about dragging things out, but instead that the whole point of the story is that slow, incrimental moving forward with the relationship(s). It’s a story that I pick up when I want something where the characters are (for the most part) taken away from galatic level action and instead are given something like a peaceful life (as much as one can get post-ROTS, of course) and I just want to roll around in something that’s hopeful and kind. The length is nice as well, because it really gets across that this is a story that’s meant to be a slow burn and a slow build even once things finally do catch fire. As mentioned, I don’t feel like it’s dragging things out, but instead that the slow process is the whole point, that it’s about building their relationships, their life here, step by step. It’s domesticity and slice-of-life and really reveling in it to the fic’s heart’s content. But also omg I admit I’m definitely here for the sex scene, because Anakin and Padme are adorable, Obi-Wan and Anakin had a very pretty frottage scene earlier, but then chapter 22 was exactly what I wanted–where they finally have the time and both are in the right place for something more intense, something deeper. And, boy, does Anakin find that he enjoys being held down, that he has Obi-Wan’s attention all on him, that he likes the way he feels when he’s pressed down onto the bed and held there, when he’s filled up with Obi-Wan, who opens him up with such care and affection, until there’s no other noise in his head, that all the anxieties and fears and insecurities are pushed out, as Obi-Wan pushes into him. I’m really not kidding that I will read that a thousand times because Anakin needs it a thousand times and Obi-Wan being able to give that to Anakin is so good for him as well. There’s also a lot of cute stuff with Ahsoka coming and going, watching the twins grow up, and more! But I can’t lie, I’m here for Anakin Skywalker, my precious child, getting the happy life I always wanted for him. ✦ Broken by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin & rex & padme & cast, NSFW, sith!obi-wan (sort of), dark themes, 20.8k wip    The Twins are unstoppable enforcers of the Emperor’s will, the sun and moon that hang in the black void of his rule. It is said they are not the same age and that under their hoods they do not look alike, but they fight as one entity, silent and terrible as an eclipse in a spring sky.    Chapter 5: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. This chapter reminded me all over again how heartbreaking this whole story is, to see how much of Obi-Wan and Anakin have just been forever lost, that there may be embers left, but who they were are really and truly gone. And it was difficult to read because it implies what must have been truly soul-breaking to get them to this point, to see them so destroyed in spirit and so afraid and so pliant to what Sidious orders them to do. Seeing it through Ahsoka’s eyes, the contrast against how you know this won’t be a happy ending of a story, they’re too gone, there’s not enough left, they’re just empty shells of who they used to be, only the most basic of instincts and connection to each other left. And it’s so sad, but also beautifully done, that even if maybe I have a little hope that they might get a bittersweet ending (and I’m not prepared to hold my breath on that, but either way I’ll be satisfied, I know I’m not reading a sunshine fic here), and I know I’ll have a lot of feelings along the way. Plus, the bits of clone world building with the way they look at strong enemies, really just gave me a lot of feelings, like… it’s not better this way, but there is at least something to hold onto, however small it is. I feel like that describes so much of this fic, too! ✦ No Galaxy for Good Jedi by Annie_Walker, obi-wan & anakin & padme & qui-gon & dooku & yoda & cast, some obi-wan/satine, sith!qui-gon, 124.8k wip    Obi-Wan Kenobi was only a young padawan when he ran away with three-year old Anakin. He had no choice after his Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, fell to the Dark Side by Master Dooku’s manipulations.    I have a handful of caveats about this story to start out with–the writing really needs a good scrub with the beta brush, as there are constant typos and misused words, up to half a dozen of them on almost every page of the story. I mention this to encourage readers past it because the writing underneath that is very solid and very easy to just read, read, read, but I had to be in the right headspace for it, I admit. Second, there’s a lot of fairly minor details of canon that don’t really work with the story, including that Qui-Gon as a Sith isn’t really how Sith are in canon, it’s more the Soft Sith thing that fandom loves–which, by the way, I am totally fine with! Third, this is an Obi-Wan who isn’t quite like the majority of canon, he’s much younger and more all over the place, but that works for his age, where he’d be about as old as he is in TPM. And, finally, I admit that the Obi-Wan/Satine stuff felt like it came up a little too fast and kind of derailed the fic until it got back in track. I mention these things not to give a back-handed compliment, honest! I wouldn’t have read well over 100k of fic and kept coming back for more if I thought this was a bad story, but I genuinely want to encourage people to pick it up because it’s very much worth it, even if I might have skipped past it myself because of these things. Those things all said, holy crap, I definitely ate up this fic like you wouldn’t believe! The thing about the story is that it’s very solidly done, it’s almost one hundred and thirty thousand words and I felt like I could read that much more all over again if the author happened to drop it in my lap right this second. It caught my attention because the heart of the story, for all that it occasionally drifts off into other things, is set on Obi-Wan and Anakin’s relationship, that they love each other dearly, that they are the most important person in each other’s lives, and that was so incredibly satisfying to read. The fic winds its way through several twists and turns, there’s a lot happening and it’s not in any rush to get to the end, there’s plenty of breathing room here, in the sense that each section of the plot (whether they’re on the run, whether one of them has been captured by the Sith or the Jedi, whether they’re staying on Naboo or Mandalore for awhile, etc.) has plenty of time to have things actually unfold there, it spends time on each of these thigns. Yet I never felt like it was padding things out just to up the word count, it felt like each scene was there because that’s what the story wanted to be focused on in the moment. That may sound like a weird thing to focus on, but when I read longfic, one of the major things I’m wary of is a story that’s just endlessly dragging things out, so many scenes that don’t advance the plot or the characters. With this one I felt like these scenes were the point, that action happens just as often as it needs to (there are several fight scenes in the fic!), that it’s a story that’s not about rushing to the end, but about the long haul of this journey it’s on. Though, ultimately, what endeared this story to me is that Obi-Wan and Anakin’s older brother&younger brother (edging into something like father&son territory) was the heart of so much of the story, that pages and pages were dedicated to either their high octane antics and how desperately they didn’t want to be separated, how much they worried and missed the other when they were, how Anakin is devastated when away from Obi-Wan, how adorable moppet Anakin is and he’ll curl up against Obi-Wan when falling asleep, how there are moments of quiet domesticity that were a joy to read and soothed my soul. I enjoyed the plot of this fic a great deal, it hit me right in the genfic id places, but this relationship is what got me to pick up the fic and is absolutely the highlight of it, it’s what really got to me about the story and why I’m so glad to have read this one and look forward to every update! ✦ untitled by albaparthenicevelut, obi-wan & anakin, accidental pirate obi-wan, 1k    Obi Wan was in Scarif, which was concerning actually. Obi Wan Kenobi, Rebel Operative, Dashing Duke, and Pirate King, should not be within a system of the Empire’s top secret military research base, much less in the very city in which it was located.    I love the Accidental Pirate Obi-Wan thing that popped up on tumblr and this was an absolutely delightful addition to it, so silly and light-hearted and cracky in just the right ways, it just gleefully embraced everything that’s so much fun about the whole thing! Obi-Wan is handsome and dashing and everyone can’t help swooning over him and Vader’s so irritated by this (but also maybe kind of understands) and it just filled my heart with joy and light to read this short fic of Obi-Wan on Scarif with the Death Star plans! ✦ and gravity, scientists say, is weak by victoria_p (musesfool), obi-wan & anakin + referenced obi-wan/satine, 3.2k    “You’re not the only one who’s ever been in love, Anakin.”    This is one of the author’s sharper fics and I wound up enjoying it for all the feelings it gave me, the way Obi-Wan loved and continues to love Satine, but the path for them to be together seems impossible. It’s an understated fic, but that works well for what this is, a conversation between Obi-Wan and Anakin about Satine and the bloom of hope in Anakin that maybe he could tell his Master about Padme someday. And I love that it’s such a small thing, a small bit of understanding that Anakin gains on who Obi-Wan actually is, that maybe it could have changed things, because that’s how it is with Star Wars–sometimes the smallest things maybe could have changed everything, if only the galaxy had been a little kinder. This was a lovely read and put me right back in the mood for more Obi-Wan/Satine again! ✦ Rest by copper_sky, obi-wan/anakin, ~1k    Anakin has a huge weakness for having his hair played with and a sleepy Obi-Wan indulges him.    Oh, man, this was entirely soft and fluffy and sleepy and warm! It’s exactly what it says on the tin and that’s what I went into the fic hoping to get and I came out just feeling that content, nice feeling. It’s soft and sweet and, goddammit, sometimes Obi-Wan and Anakin need that, okay! This was a nice thing to cap my evening reading off with, just sleepy cuddles with Obi-Wan’s hand in Anakin’s hair, Anakin cuddled against his Master’s side, everything content and right in the galaxy in this moment.

Character Development: Gloucester

Act I At the beginning of Act I: Scene I, Gloucester is immediately introduced in a conversation occurring between him and the Earl of Kent. He introduces Edmund as his illegitimate son to Kent, describing how he has “so often blush’d to acknowledge him” that he no longer is embarrassed by Edmund’s illegitimacy since his mother had him with Gloucester outside of marriage (I:I, 8-9). The fact that he continues to describe to Kent how he only feels love for Edmund out of obligation and because his mother was good at sex even though Edmund is standing on stage within them reveals how Gloucester views love as an obligation and is blind to the effects that his jokes about Edmund’s illegitimacy probably has on Edmund. This blindness is farther developed in Act I: Scene II, when Edmund deceives Gloucester into believing that Edgar (Gloucester’s “legitimate” son) is plotting against Gloucester. Edmund tricks Gloucester into reading a letter that Gloucester believes is from Edgar although Edmund actually wrote it. Immediately Gloucester decides to trust Edmund and denounces Edgar as an “unnatural, detested, brutish villain” (I:II, 14). This scene portrays how Gloucester possesses to great of a readiness to believe things resulting in blindness towards Edmund’s deception. Gloucester is also revealed to have a superstitious nature as seen through how he faults the “late eclipses in the sun and moon” for turning Edgar against him (I:II, 98).

Act II Edmund once again uses this superstitious nature to his advantage in Act II: I, convincing his father of how he found Edgar “mumbling of wicked charms, conjuring the moon to stand auspicious mistress” (II: I, 37-38). After Edmund convinces him that he fought Edgar in retaliation to Edgar trying to get him to go against Gloucester, Gloucester sends out a search-party for Edgar. Gloucester is heartbroken that Edgar has supposedly turned against him, demonstrating his gullibility in believing Edmund’s lies.

At the end of Act II: Scene IV, Gloucester portrays compassion for Lear. After Lear rushes out of the castle into the storm that has been gathering strength after Goneril and Regan strip his knights away from him, Cornwall, Goneril, and Regan are set in not letting Lear back in. Gloucester subsequently reminds Cornwall how “for many miles about there’s scarcely a bush” for Lear to take cover in attempts to convince Cornwall to show some compassion. However, Cornwall stands firm in his answer and orders Gloucester to “shut up [his] doors” (II:IV, 306).Gloucester meekly follows these orders (or so we think). Act III In Act III: III, Gloucester reveals to Edmund in confidence that he plans on helping Lear despite Cornwall’s orders portraying confidence not evident in the presence of Cornwall. In the following scene, Gloucester then arrives at the small shelter Lear, the Fool, Poor Tom (Edgar in disguise), and Kent have taken cover under in the storm. Gloucester’s compassion is again show when he sees Lear in such a mad state and relates to him by describing how “No father his son dearer; true to tell thee, the grief hath crazed [his] wits” (III: IV, 162-163). This develops dramatic irony as the audience knows that Edgar can most likely hear this since he’s there in the shelter disguised as Poor Tom, but Gloucester is not aware of Edgar’s disguise or the fact that Edgar was plotting against him in the first place. Thus, this further emphasizes Gloucester’s blindness to the entire situation.

In Act III: VII, Gloucester pays the consequences for helping Lear against Cornwall’s order. When Edmund informs Cornwall of Gloucester’s plan, Cornwall has Gloucester tied up and decides that the perfect punishment is to gouge his eyes out (nice guy right). The irony is that once Cornwall is finished, he reveals to Gloucester how Edmund was the one who turned him. In response, Gloucester proclaims “O my follies! Then Edgar was abus’d,” realizing that Edmund deceived him into thinking that Edgar was of a villainous nature (III:VII, 88). In losing his physical sight, Gloucester can finally see the really of the situation in which Edmund has deceived them all in order to climb up from the title of the “illegitimate” son. Gloucester immediately asks the Gods for forgiveness and to allow Edgar to prosper, depicting how he has recognized his mistake. Act IV In Act IV: I, we see that this mistake and all the events he has suffered throughout the play has driven Gloucester into despair. Edgar encounters Gloucester who is being led by an Old Man and takes it upon himself (going under a different person than Poor Tom) to lead Gloucester to the top of Dover cliff, where Gloucester intends to end his own misery. In Act IV: VI, we see Edgar convince his father that they’re on top of a cliff even though they’re not. After Edgar supposedly departing, Gloucester attempts to throw himself off the cliff revealing his desperation to escape the world that has acted so cruelly against him. However, he evidently doesn’t get hurt when he jumps because there’s no cliff to jump off. Edgar then under yet again another persona, convinces Gloucester that he’s now at the foot of the cliff unharmed. Edgar describes how he thought he saw some fiend with “Horns whelk’d and wav’d like the enraged sea,” suggesting that he thought he saw the devil when Gloucester was falling. This plays on Gloucester’s superstitious nature since in Elizabethan thought, the devil would always lead humans to extreme desperation in order to ensure an eternity of damnation for them in hell. Gloucester described how in the face of this miracle “henceforth [he’ll] bear affliction till it do cry out itself,” illustrating how he has now developed the resolve to endure life patiently despite all the sufferings that he has gone through.

Act V Gloucester’s death is then disclosed in Act V: III, when Edgar describes how his father was too weak to support “Twixt two extreme of passion, joy and grief” upon Edgar revealing himself to Gloucester (V:III, 197). Thus, Gloucester died feeling a mix of emotions both joy finding Edgar and grief for Edgar’s suffering. This reveals how although he died, he died of joy.

There's A Moon Eclipse Upcoming.

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