#i keep telling myself how lucky i am that i have a job and great coworkers but ik i'm gonna snap at some point LOL
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MILE AND APO’S INTERVIEWS FOR AWESOME!PLUS MAGAZINE
MILE PHAKPHUM
MUSIC COLUMN: LOVE SONG
George Benson - Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You
Very romantic. It's a song about how much I love you, and I can say that not only to my lover, but also to my family and friends. What I imagine is the feeling of singing to a cat in the house (laughs). I love how warm it is.
Is there anything you are looking forward to when you come to Japan?
Of course I was looking forward to working with awesome!plus. Also, i am a guitar collector, so I was looking forward to buying vintage guitars. People have good taste and keep things in good condition, so there are many second-hand items that are really good.
You originally studied music, right?
Yes. I started music when I was 22. If I hadn't been doing music, I wouldn't be where I am today, and I wouldn't be appearing in dramas. The basics of Thai culture are doing music, and that leads to theatrical performances. I also stepped into the entertainment industry because of the music. I was also making demos on guitar. The first thing I made was an acoustic pop rock.
What is important to you when making music?
I take care of it. You can't eat a guitar, so it doesn't have a taste, but you can really feel the taste of its sound. From my point of view, the guitar is very sexy. Plus, vintage guitars are made from old wood, so they smell great. It feels like wine. Furthermore, the guitar can be played in any genre. That's the biggest attraction.
Please tell us about shooting episodes of the drama "Kinn Porsche The Series"
In this work, the performers and all the staff wanted to make a good work. There are many fictional scenes but there are also many human-like lines. Everyone was seriously trying to put on the best performances in the time allotted. I called that time a magic moment. It turned out to be a really good work.
How was the reaction?
I was surprised that everyone responded so well. No matter which country I go to, I can feel everyone's feelings.
The world tour sounds like a lot of fun.
I feel really lucky that I was able to take everyone with me. It feels more like a school trip than a job (laughs). However, the other day I went to Paris by myself for work, and then I felt incredibly lonely..!
Ahaha. By the way, Apo as seen by Mile. What kind of person is he?
He's very energetic. That's what comes out. I'm the type of person who listens, so when we're together, it's really well-balanced. He surprises me a lot. I'm always trying to do my best, so I'm very happy to be able to work with him.
What kind of story are you listening to?
He says everything, such as how he felt at that time. He says anything. He will tell me everything I can understand or can’t understand. He is a person who has no secrets and will tell me everything.
Ahaha. Is there a role you would like to play in the future?
I would like to act in dark, thriller, and murderous scenes. I would also like to play a horror movie like Japan's Ju-on! I was 20 when I started to like the guitar, so I may not be very good at it, but I think it would be great if I could collaborate with Jeff this time. l'm looking forward to it!
Now, Mile, please tell us what you think is the appeal of this drama.
Although the original is a novel, it has become a work that reveals the true face of humans. It's wonderful. To put it simply, it's Pocky."
Pocky!!
"Yes (laughs). Pocky comes in strawberry, chocolate, and banana flavors. I want to try different flavors. This drama is like Pocky (laughs).
APO NATTAWIN
MUSIC COLUMN : LOVE SONG
Vivaldi's Four Seasons
I think it’s a love song. It's smooth and soft, so if you listen to it and are in nature, you can feel the background and love of the song.
What are you looking forward to during your visit to Japan?
I want to work with Japanese staff. Recently, I have traveled to various countries and worked with people from various countries, but Japan is one of my favorite countries, so I am happy to work with Japanese people. I wanted to work with them, and when I actually worked with them, they were all wonderful and always made me feel good.
Is there anything you eat every time you visit?
Surrounded by the sea, I think there are food colors and flavors that only Japan can offer.
However, what would you like to do in Japan if you have time?
I want to feel the unique lifestyle and traditional culture. I went to Meiji Jingu this time, and my mind and body became softer. The smell of nature calms me down, and I feel good energy and energy increase.
About the popular drama "KinnPorsche The 'Series'", do you want to share some behind the scene story?
In the scene on the boat in episode 3, our boat sways every time a boat passes by, so the camera gets drunk, so we have to take a little break after each take! I can not forget. Mile and I are fine because we are concentrating on the people we are acting with, but the cameraman must be drunk because he has a wide field of view through the camera.
Currently on a world tour as a drama member. If you were to hold an event in Japan, what kind of projects would you like to do?
Japan is famous for anime cosplay, so it would be great if everyone could get together in cosplay and sing and dance. There were people in duck and avatar costumes, but if we could get together in Japan and do cosplay together, I'm sure it will be fun.
You like singing and dancing, is there an instrument vou would like to try?
I wanted to play the saxophone because I liked jazz and instrumental music since I was little. I wanted to join the music circle. But now I wonder if I should listen to someone else play it (laughs).
Do vou have a favorite Japanese artist?
I love KAT- TUN. I don't know what it means, but I like the rhythm of the song, the way it's sung, and the beatbox, and it feels good to listen to it. i also like EXILE's "Lovers Again" and “LAST CHRiSTMAS". I like it because it makes me feel like something good is going to happen today.
Is there a Japanese actor you'd like to work with?
Nana Komatsu-san. I'm interested in her because she has a charming natural acting style. Also, Rinko Kikuchi's acting is so deep that it caught my eye. Tomohisa Yamashita, who I've been watching since I was young, is also one of my favorite actors. Takeshi Kaneshiro is also cool, isn't he?
What does acting mean to you?
Acting is what made me understand the world, people and nature. In the process, there are three things that are important to me: the environment in which I was born, the environment in which I am now, and the environment in front of me. When I was worried about the role of Porsche, It was about how he was born and what kind of environment he was raised in. It's difficult because he's a contradiction between his feelings and his actions. All I can say is that he likes Kinn. He loves Kinn regardless of position or gender, and the straightforwardness of Porsche is the appeal.
What role would you like to play in the future?
This work is currently being filmed, and in this series I am performing Thai dance. There is something unique about Thai dance, it is strong but soft and delicate. My teacher told me to think of myself as an angel and move, but it is a loose style. However, it is not popular among young people these days, so I want to convey the charm of Thai dance through this work. Just as everyone thinks of Japan when they hear the words ninja or samurai, I want them to think of Thailand, when they think of Thai dance.
#the part of mile saying he imagines to sing the song to a cat in his house…..#really??? really?????#also it’s so fun that mile mentioned food and tasting things even when it wasn’t the right topic but they asked about food to apo ajssksk#mile felt alone in paris#i wonder if he felt alone in mumbai#:D#kinnporsche#mileapo#awesome!plus#i translated it with google
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✧ —𝐁𝐎𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐍 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 [𝐒𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝟑]
“Darling, you're doing marvelously, I am so proud of you.”
“Just write a script for me, so I don't have to think for myself.”
“You better not have gotten your failure stink all over my important movie star clothes.”
“That is going to lead to some wackiness. You mark my words.”
“Hey, champ, I have a very important job for you.”
“Why does everything I love fall apart as soon as I touch it?”
“What legacy of ruin am I left with? What rewards have I reaped for the damage done?”
“You look different. Older. A lot older.”
“I'm not interested in being rebirthed. I'm still recovering from being birthed the first time.”
“I want to do things that connect with people, things that last.”
“If I'm going to sacrifice my journalistic integrity, it's because I'm having sex with a movie star.”
“How do you make something right when you've made it so wrong you can never go back?”
“Thanks a lot. Once again, you've been no help whatsoever.”
“What, you're just gonna stay at home and get drunk all day?”
“Let's get wrecked and get Shreked.”
“You're bright and you're funny and you're handsome and you're talented. But if you can't see that, then you're the biggest, dumbest piece of shit in the world.”
“If you get scared, look for me in the audience. I'll be there the whole time, laughing and cheering louder than anyone.”
“Thirty years I threw into this job, and it destroyed me from the inside out.”
“A lot of guys in your position wouldn't take gigs like this. They'd be afraid people would make fun of them.”
“If you care about what other people think, you're never gonna do anything.”
“Put the corpse on ice, I'm on my way.”
“I'm not avoiding you. I'm just making an effort to not be in a room alone with you because I am... Avoiding you.”
“You know, I think we're alike in a lot of ways. Sometimes that's great, but it also means we can bring out the worst in each other.”
“I just think maybe it's better, for both of us, if we keep things a little more professional.”
“It smells like a skunk skunked another skunk in here, then they smoked a joint. What happened?”
“Sometimes you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.”
“It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, even longer to see it doesn't have to be that way.”
“I haven't seen you since high school. You look great!”
“My dumb best friend's getting married, so I'm here for the rehearsal dinner.”
“Boring regular people love it when movie stars show up and drink their alcohol.”
“This is not the time for one of your weird stories that go nowhere.”
“If you're lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, sink your nails in and don't let go, no matter what.”
“One day, you're gonna look around and you're going to realize that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.”
“I would seriously like to know what crawled up your butt, made a home for itself in your butt, started a family, lived a fruitful life, and then died up your butt.”
“When you do bad things, you have something you can point to when people eventually leave you. It's not you, you tell yourself, it's that bad thing you did.”
“Listen, I've been with guys like you before, and I know this thing works better if we keep a little distance.”
“It's so sad that when you see someone as they really are, it ruins them.”
“You're sweet. You shouldn't waste that on people who don't deserve it.”
“Are you sure this whole thing isn't just a semi-lucid fever dream from mixing the wrong pills?”
“It's so cruel to let people love you. All you're doing is promising you'll one day break their hearts.”
“We don't really have the kind of relationship where we talk about things.”
“Just because you have a shitty relationship with your family doesn't mean every other family has to have drama too.”
“Ugh! Why did I get my hopes up? Why do I keep letting you get my hopes up?”
“Do a girl a favor, don't break her heart by inches. Do it all at once. It'll save everyone some time.”
“Should we get dinner, or are you just thinking drinks?”
“Good luck finding another charming first-generation Italian immigrant with this kind of darling accent, who makes equally delightful malapropisms!”
“Is there a single woman you've worked with who you haven't tried to groggily thrust yourself into?”
“You're such a self-pitying masochist, I could say ten nice things and one mean thing, you would only hear the one mean thing.”
“Did you ever love me? At all?”
“You know that I don't do the whole love thing. Either you end up hurting someone or they hurt you. So, what's the point?”
“I do love you, by the way. I mean, as much as I'm capable of loving anyone.”
“I assure you the animated GIFs with which I describe this encounter shall be scathing!”
“You can't keep doing shitty things, and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay!”
“You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. It's you.”
“Your skin is so soft, it's like you murdered a baby and stole its skin. Your skin is murdered-baby soft.”
“Let's get higher than a stilt walker's dick!”
“If you have to listen to losers talk about their shitty sober lives, it's a lot more fun to be buzzed.”
“You're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them, but you have to stop yourself, because there are some people you can't save. 'Cause those people will thrash and struggle and try to take you down with them.”
“I always forget that there are more than just the six stars you can see in the Los Angeles sky.”
“In the great grand scheme of things, we're just tiny specks that will one day be forgotten.”
“The only thing that matters is right now, this moment. This one spectacular moment we are sharing together.”
“I'm poison. I come from poison. I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch.”
“I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.”
“What's your deal? I feel like you like me, but you don't like me, but you like me, and I don't know what that is.”
“Are you gay? You can tell me if you're gay, it's fine. This isn't the 1600s, or some places in the present.”
“I'm not gay. I mean, I don't think I am, but... I don't think I'm straight, either.”
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The restless sea calls back to you - Harringrove Mermaid AU [NSFW]
I'm super in love with this fic and I want to clarify that it's super self-indulgent!
I love it because it all started with this beautiful picture, and I love it because that's how I became friend with @lemonhitsu and I had a great time plotting with them and I am very grateful to them for allowing me to use their art as inspiration and for trusting me even if the first story I was writing was not good enough and I had to start back from scratches.😅
I want to thank Lemon for the fun and the incredible support! Nothing of this could have been possible without you! Thank you so much for being so kind and supportive and holding my hand when I was feeling low! 💜
And a special thanks to @applewillowstone and @spaceofentropy for helping me doing some research about monster sex!
That said, I wish everyone a happy holiday season and I am sharing with you this fic which is the present I made for myself and I hope you will like it!
Please mind the tags!
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Merpeople, Merperson Billy Hargrove, mermaid trainer Neil Hargrove, Aquariums, Violence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Sex Change, mermaid trainer Steve Harrington, Murder, Murder Mystery, mention of past Non con with original character, Anal Sex, Human/Monster Romance, Eventual Smut, Blow Jobs, Blood and Injury, Sex, Slow Burn, They/them prononun, Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, Angst and Feels, Enemies to Lovers, Monster sex, Switch Steve Harrington, Steve Harrington Has Bad Parents, POV Steve Harrington, No Beta Read
And because AO3 is not working... get ready for 15k words under the cut!
Steve sighs as soon as his alarm goes off.
He has been working at the Birch Aquarium for a couple of weeks and all his enthusiasm has already died.
He was so happy when they called him back to take the place of the actual mermaid trainer, but two weeks of working with Billy were enough to make him regret his choice.
The blond merman is the biggest pain in the ass ever. He never does what the trainer requests of him and is always glaring and hissing at Steve like a feral cat. The boy has learned on his skin that there is a reason why everyone tells you to not go near an angry mermaid without wearing protection.
Mermaids are rare but not uncommon, the biggest aquariums in the world have at least one, and Steve’s aquarium was so lucky to have a baby mermaid that now became a beautiful merboy.
Steve remembers the day he decided he was going to become a trainer. It was the day his parents brought him to see the baby mermaid that was the main attraction of the aquarium. If he closes his eyes he can still see the little mermaid hiding behind some big black rocks, his little red tail barely visible between the rocks.
A kid punched the glass, trying to get the attention of the little mermaid and Steve saw for a moment a pair of ocean blue eyes big and terrified, and from that day on, every time his parents left him with a new babysitter he asked to go to the aquarium until finally, one day, when Steve and the babysitter were the only visitors of the aquarium, he caught a glimpse of the little merboy. They stared at each other through the glass for a long moment and then a man called a name and dragged the merboy away with a big fishnet.
Steve turned toward his babysitter, Angela, and asked her who that man was and she told him that he was the mermaid's trainer.
“So he plays with mermaids all day?”
“It’s a job, Steve, I don’t think that he plays a lot, but yes, he spends his time with the mermaids.”
Now that he is changing in the locker room, Steve is regretting for the umpteenth time having been so adamant about wanting to become a trainer. He sighs. He can’t quit. His father told him really clearly that if he is not able to keep the job he will cut him out once and for all.
Fuck.
He wears the diving suit and gets into the swimming pool where Neil is already waiting for him.
“Go catch him.” He tells him, throwing him a spiked collar.
Steve looks at the object with disgust.
“Still too naive, new boy? That monster could kill you in more ways than you think and he is not cooperative, you should know that by now.”
Steve nods, he has a red cut on his forearm that the merboy gave him on his first day, so now he wears the protection every time he has to get to Billy’s tank.
The merboy is brushing his blond curls with his long fingers while resting on a rock, half of his big red tail still in the water.
“Still here, pretty boy? Didn’t I scare you enough?”
“It’s just a scratch.”
Billy smirks “No, it is not, but I appreciate that you came here to bring me lunch. Be so kind and bring it to me.”
Steve knows better than to lean toward the water so close to the merboy so he throws him a couple of fish.
“So stupid. How do you think you can convince me to put on your collar if you already gave me the food?” Billy asks, reaching for the fish that is floating on the surface and tearing a big chunk.
“Asking you kindly?”
Billy bursts out in a laugh “You are funny, I’ll give you that.” The merboy replies, resting on a big rock “Not smart, but funny.”
“Come on, the pool is bigger than your tank and you need to swim more freely or your tail could atrophy.”
“Oh, so that’s it. You are worried for me. No other motives, right?”
Steve sighs “You know that the aquarium is not doing too well, they want to use you as an attraction to sell more tickets, is that a bad thing? I mean, they are still the ones that pay for your food, and your tank, and that make sure that you are healthy and…”
“How kind of them, isn't it? The owners of the aquarium care about my wellbeing so I should repay them by doing some stupid tricks in front of an audience? No, thanks.” The blond merboy replies disgusted.
“A lot of mermaids do stupid tricks in aquariums and they have fun! Maybe you will have fun too?”
“Have you ever been in a tank, Harrington?” The merboy asks, glaring at him.
The boy sighs “You know I have.”
“I’m not talking about giving a walk in the tanks to clean something or sedate some big fish, I’m talking about living in captivity. What do you call it… Oh yes! Living in prison! And be grateful to your captors because they feed you and make sure you are healthy.” Billy glares at him and Steve blushes.
“I know that is not the most perfect place to be but it’s not too bad, you should admit it.”
Some smugglers kidnap mermaids to sell them as expensive pets to rich assholes and only god knows what they do with those poor creatures.
“Have you ever spent a day with Neil? He is no fun either.” The sea creature retorts.
Steve shouldn’t talk badly about his supervisor, but everyone knows that Hargrove has a very impetuous nature and sometimes he gets violent even toward the animals, but especially toward Billy.
“You should try to do what he asks from you for once, maybe he will stop hurting you.” Steve tries to suggest.
Hargrove is no fool, he hits the merboy when no one can see him and he makes sure not to leave any bruises behind.
“Thank you for your kind advice, Harrington, I’m sure everything will be so much better now that you told me exactly how to act when I have to deal with a fucking psychopath!”
“He is not…” but Steve doesn’t have time to finish the sentence that Hargrove is back in the tank.
“What the hell are you doing? It’s not tea time! Get the stupid collar around his neck and come back to the pool. Where is the fish?”
Billy grins, licking his lips “It was delicious, Neil. Thanks.”
“You gave him the fish? Are you fucking stupid, Harrington?! How the fuck do you think to get him off that stupid rock?” The man asks, pinching his nose.
“With some persuasion?”
“This!” Hargrove yells, showing the collar “This is the kind of persuasion that Billy understands and now it’s too far from the shore so you get into the tank and drag him to the pool or I’ll make sure you get fired!” And to clarify the concept he grabs Steve and pushes him into the water without the scuba cylinders or the regulators.
Steve was co-captain of the swimming team but he knows too well that Billy could drag him down and drown him if he wanted to, that’s why every time he gets into the water he makes sure to have the scuba cylinders with him, but now it’s too late, he has his back turned and he knows that the merboy is going to attack him. He tries to regulate his breath and to feel the water break as the merboy reemerges.
As he was expecting the merboy tries to drag him down, but Steve has the lucidity to close the collar against Billy’s throat and yank it hard against the gills the merboy has hidden on his neck.
The sea creature shrieks and releases his grip, freeing Steve who resurfaces and gets back on shore coughing.
“Good job, Harrington. Next time try not to lose all this time.” Hargrove states “I’ll wait for you in the swimming pool.”
Steve takes some deep breaths while the merboy resurfaces glaring at him.
“Come on, Billy. Don’t make me activate it, I know that is already bad as it is.” Steve begs him, showing him the passage from the tank toward the swimming pool, and Billy gets in the pool, always hissing toward him.
Steve takes a look at his clock. Half past nine and he already barely escaped death. Not bad. It could be his new record.
***
When the training ends Steve brings Billy back to his tank. The merboy is tired and he has red bruises where Neil hurt him.
“You ok?” It’s a stupid question, Steve knows that, but he can’t avoid it.
“Are you worried about me, Harrington? How sweet.” The merboy replies, licking his sharp teeth “Maybe next time you’ll get into my tank I’ll keep you.”
“Fuck you, Billy!”
“Are you proposing, pretty boy?”
It’s just their usual bickering but Steve can feel that his cheeks are blushing.
“Oh, so you do have a crush on me. That makes so much sense: that’s why you are obsessed with me. Don’t worry, pretty boy, I’m not going to fuck you… at least not as you are thinking, but I’ll keep fucking with you because it’s the funniest thing that I can do in this stupid place.” Billy replies and then he gets underwater, while Steve stares at his big red tale covered in shimmering scales.
“He has an attitude, I’ll give him that.” Hargrove says appearing from nowhere “But stay away from him. He is still a mermaid and even if he hasn’t had the time to learn the songs from other mermaids he is still capable of convincing you to kill yourself in his tank. It would not be the first time.”
Steve stares at the old man “Did he… Did he kill someone? For real?”
The man nods, walking Steve toward the lockers “You are too young to remember, but there was another girl who trained with me years ago, pretty thing, red hair, sweet smile, the name was Susan. She was even more innocent than you are, she treated him like a kid, not like the monster he is, and one day when I got to the tank to feed him, he was underwater, holding Susan’s body into his arms.
Billy attacked me when I tried to take the dead body from his arms, and the authorities had him sedated and they were ready to put him down, but there was a petition against it and he was still the biggest attraction of the aquarium, so, in the end, they decided to keep him but they moved him to the tank where he is now, in a more secluded area and where no one else could get in a part from me and you, so pay attention if you don’t get killed during your first month of training.”
They are changing together for the first time and Steve sees many claws scars on Neil’s body “Did he…”
“Mermaids are like that. You have to pay attention every single second.” The man gets up “Listen, boy, I know that you don't like my way of training him, but you have to understand that he is not a pretty pet, he is a ferocious monster and our luck is that he was taken from his family too young so he doesn’t really know what he can do and how easy would be for him kill everyone.” Hargrove closes his bag “I don’t pretend that you agree with my method, but I want you to be conscious that he is a menace and you are the only person that stays between him and the visitors. Think about yourself like a sort of paladin. That’s what I do.” They are looking each other in the eyes when Neil asks him “Wouldn’t you do what you can to protect the people you care for?” And then he leaves Steve alone with even more questions.
***
The conversation he had with Neil opened his eyes: the old man is right, the mermaids are dangerous and he was a fool thinking that with some kindness and some fish he could have convinced Billy to do what he wanted.
“Raise and shine, Billy. Are you ready to jump throught some hoops today?” Steve enters the tank but Billy is not on his favorite rock. He looks around and he can’t see him. The merboy is too big to hide in the tank, but from the surface, Steve can’t see where he is hiding, so he takes his equipment and, with a sigh, he gets into the water.
The water is full of colorful fish that quickly swim away as soon as the boy gets closer, he swims toward the rocks when something shining attracts his attention, mermaids are famous for having a passion for shiny things. Steve gets closer to the big rock, the same where the little mermaid used to hide, and reaches out for the shiny thing when he sees it, the big red tail.
In a moment Billy is in front of him, yelling with a voice that has no words but that gets directly into Steve’s mind even if they are in the water.
Steve shakes his head, ripping off his mask and his scuba regulator, trying to free himself from Billy’s tight grip screaming in his head, then he opens his mouth to breathe. Underwater.
***
“Boy? Are you with me? Harrington?”
Steve coughs, holding for dear life to the person who is speaking to him.
“Harrington? Steve?” The voice calls him again, urging an answer.
Steve pukes some water “Fine. I’m fine.”
The man’s grip relaxes while Steve tries to take some deep breaths.
“What happened?”
“You told me! I saw in the security monitor that you got in the tank, next thing I know that monster was holding you underwater and you were drowning.”
“Billy… where is Billy?”
“Oh, he is lucky if they don’t decide to sell him even sooner.” Hargrove hisses.
“Se… Sell him?” Steve asks, still coughing.
“You must have seen that he is no good with little tricks and his care it’s expensive, the owners of the aquari will sell him sooner than later, but after he tried to kill another trainer I don’t think any other aquarium will be willing to buy him.”
“He didn’t try to drown me.” Steve tries to protest and Hargrove looks at him with pity.
“He messed with your head. Didn’t he?” The man looks at the pool “I knew it! They should have cut his vocal cords when I suggested it but no, animal rights activists said that it was too cruel. Cruel. Wasn’t it cruel to let him drown Susan? Or you?”
Steve shakes his head, trying to concentrate even if he is too confused at the moment. Did Billy try to kill him? He can’t remember what happened, just that he saw something shining on the floor of the tank, something that didn’t belong to the aquarium.
“Come with me, I’ll drive you to the hospital.” Neil says, helping the boy stand up.
“I’m ok… I don’t need to go to the hospital.”
The old man stares at Steve, then he helps him back to the lockers “Take a hot shower and change back, you and I are going to have a little chat.”
Steve nods, confused, it’s the first time that he sees Neil worried. Did Billy really try to kill him?
Steve knows that some mermaids have the ability to use their voice to manipulate fish, it’s how they hunt: some of them sing to the fish and the others capture them, but he never knew that they could do something to humans’ minds. And how does Neil know it? He has indeed been a trainer for years but if the mermaids were able to manipulate people someone would have said something, right?
The hot water helps him relax and when he gets back to Neil, all this terrible adventure seems just a bad dream.
"Sit down." Neil says, holding a cup of tea, and Steve sits in front of him.
"A few years ago there was a lovely girl who wanted to be a mermaid trainer like me. Her name was Susan. Susan was a dreamer, just like you, she didn't like to use the collar, just like you, and she was convinced that mermaids needed better care than the one we were providing.
Billy was just a baby fish at the time and I guessed she thought about him like a baby, but not like a baby monster. You see, all mermaids are dangerous, but some of them are more dangerous than others."
"What does it mean?"
Neil sighs, sipping some coffee "It means that some of them can emit some frequency that can drive you crazy, convincing you to do things you would never do in your right mind. And our boy, well he is one of those."
"How do you know it?"
Neil raises his elbow and replies "I always suspected it. Billy used to play with the fish and the water horses in his tank but he was clever, he only did it by night. Fish don't really sleep, you know? And so do mermaids. But one night I caught him playing with the fish. They were making shapes for him, not the classic shape of a school of fish, the kind he was asking them to do, and I swear to god that I heard him giggle."
Steve closes his eyes, concentrating on the hot cup between his hands. He knows exactly what Neil is talking about. He saw those shapes. Or even worse, he showed those shapes to Billy on one of those days when he and his babysitter were the only people in the aquarium and the girl was too busy chatting on his phone. And Billy made a square of fish for him.
How could he forget that?
"Well, making shapes with fish doesn't sound so dangerous."
"Yeah. Until he doesn't decide that he is tired of making squares and circles and he decides to attack you with some sharks." Neil lifts his eyes to meet Steve's "That's what happened to Susan. He convinced her to get into the tank and the shark attacked her. When we were able to recover the body the merboy was holding it so tight that there were little red punctures made from his claws in her skin."
Steve gulps, trying to keep his heart beating under control "What happened?"
"The coroner said that she fell into the tank and drowned before the sharks attacked her, but I think that he ordered her to jump into the tank and then he kept her there until she was out of breath, then he tried to cover his tracks by ordering the sharks to eat her."
"What about the security cameras?"
Neil smirks "There was a big storm that night. The security cameras were off." Neil gets up "Finish your tea and go home."
"But we still have training..."
"After what I saw I don't think they are going to keep him for long. If you really want to be a mermaid trainer, is it better if you apply to another aquarium." the man replies, leaving Steve alone in the relax area with the quiet hum of the refrigerator in the background.
***
Having the day suddenly free, Steve goes to the local library to do some research. He could go back home but he doesn't want to see her mother's disappointed look when she will ask him why he is at home so soon.
He was her perfect little boy until he started to attend high school and started to party every weekend.
It is not his fault if his parents were always away on some business trip and he hated being home alone! That's how he started drinking and smoking and his grades got worse and worse.
His mother decided to come back after the night he almost fall into an alcohol-induced coma and ended up on the first page of the local newspaper, fucking up his image as the perfect golden boy and definitely fucking up the future his parents were dreaming for him.
Steve hasn't drunk a single drop of alcohol since then, but that doesn't mean that his mother stopped to smell his breath every single time he doesn't respect the schedule so, no thanks, public library it is.
He gets to one of the old computers that has nothing to do with his Mac, he even searches for some link from his smartphone and then he copies the link on the computer to read it more easily.
The first information he looks for is about Neil Hargrove.
His Facebook page has very little information about him, on his profile picture Neil is holding a rifle, he is fifty-nine, if the birth date is correct, and ex-marine with a penchant for weapons.
The profile picture is an old one, as Steve sees as he enlarges the images, he is smiling, standing next to a bullseye, with a cigarette on the side of his mouth while holding a big rifle.
Steve searches for more information and finds a little blurb about his departed wife and how he left the marine and became a mermaid trainer to stay close to her when she got sick.
Perfect husband and perfect citizen, or so it seems. He even rescued his old neighbor from the fire.
A hero, practically.
Then Steve starts to look for Susan.
Even if he doesn't know her surname it's easy to find her given the information he has: Susan Mayfair, twenty-five, a degree in marine biology and a passion for mermaids, deceased after being attacked by sharks while cleaning their tank.
Not exactly what Neil said.
Steve looks for more information and finds an old Instagram page still open. All the pictures are old, and the latest are some selfies she took at the aquarium. There are some old penguin tanks that after the renovations have been moved to another section of the aquarium, and there are a lot of Billy's pictures.
He looks like a human kid, he couldn't be older than ten, maximum twelve, they are playing in the water, Susan is winking behind her mask and Billy's red tail emerges from the water.
In another Susan's hand is holding what looks like an aluminum can tab, the caption says "My prince gave me an engagement ring".
Steve snorts, who the hell would give an aluminum can tab to a twenty-five-year-old girl as an engagement ring? He keeps looking at the pictures and the answer gets too easy: a kid would. Or, to be more precise, a merkid.
Steve keeps looking at the pictures, trying to find any evidence, any sign that Billy is the monster Neil talked about, but all he can see is a happy little fish, playing with the person who took care of him.
He is still looking through the picture when something gets his attention. Something shining in the background, something that he had seen before but didn't understand what it was.
A dog tag.
A military dog tag.
***
This is the worst idea Steve has ever had, even worse than the time he and Tommy decided to jump from Steve’s window into the pool and almost kill themselves in the making.
Steve has a badge that allows him entrance to the aquarium at any time and he knows the night guard, all he has to do is tell Jim that he forgot something in the lockers, and he will not ask any questions, maybe he will mumble something about how he should pay more attention, but he will not stop him, not until it will be too late.
Steve passes his badge and the backdoor of the aquarium opens with a slam that in the silence of the night reverberates like a gunshot.
“Who's there?” The chubby guard asks, walking toward the door with the hand ready over his gun and a frosted donut in the other hand.
“Jim. Hi. I’m Steve. Sorry to bother but I forgot my… my wallet in the locker.” He says, trying to remain calm under the sight of the armed guard.
“Your wallet uh?”
“Yeah. You know… I’m so messy sometimes.”
The man gets closer “So you forgot your wallet. Here.”
Steve shivers for a moment when he repeats “Yeah. My wallet.”
The man is so close that he can smell coffee in his breath.
“I see. Do you want me to get it for you?”
Shit! He didn’t think about that! What now?
“No. It’s fine, I can get it.”
“Are you sure? I know you had a hard day.”
“A hard day?” Steve asks, confused.
“Neil told me about the mermaid. It’s a little piece of shit that one: he keeps turning the camera in his tank so I can’t see shit! But if he thinks I’m going to get inside and let him fucking kill me he is fucking wrong! I’m not going to get close to that monster!”
“He is… he is not a monster.” Steve tries to protest but his voice sounds unsure even to his own ears.
“Are you sure you are ok? It’s not the… mermaid thing? Neil said that they can convince you to do what they want… Oh god. Are you under a spell?”
Steve quickly shakes his head “No, no spell, just a little bit shocked to be honest, but I need my home keys.”
Jim glares at him “I thought you were looking for your wallet.”
Shit!
“Yeah! I’m looking for my wallet because I have the electronic key that opens my house in my wallet, but I call it my home key, you know?”
The man raises an eyebrow “Fancy rich shit, uh?”
“Obviously.” Steve replies with a smile so fake that his cheeks hurt.
The man stares at him for a moment and then he tilts his head “Go, but be quick. I don’t want any problems.”
Steve nods and rushes toward the locker room, he knows that there are no cameras either in the locker room or in the passages behind the tank with access limited to the dedicated staff, when they have to move from one tank to the other, and if Billy’s camera is not working he has at least twenty minutes: not enough time to change and to take all his equipment but Steve was always the best one at free diving. He wears the wet suit and runs toward Billy’s tank, hoping that the mermaid is asleep somewhere.
Mermaids never really sleep, not like humans in any case, they just rest, so Steve really hopes that he is lucky enough that Billy is resting and not ready to attack him.
When he gets into the tank he looks toward the rocks where the merboy usually rests but doesn’t see him anywhere. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to expand his lungs to their maximum; he hasn’t weight around his waist but it’s not too deep, he should be able to get to the floor easily enough, and if he is lucky he will manage to get behind the little rock without disturbing Billy.
Steve dives in, his sight concentrated on the tank floor and on the little rock he saw that morning. He knows that Billy is there somewhere and that he probably felt the water vibration when he dived in but he really hopes that he will be quicker than him.
All Steve’s hope crashes when he sees the merboy swimming rapidly toward him screaming something in the water but Steve has come too far to stop now, he reaches out his hand and catches the shiny thing, military dog tag, and turns it to see the name of the owner, but Billy is screaming pushing Steve against the glass wall.
Steve screams something back, the stupidest idea ever, he realizes when he sees the bubble of air running toward the surface, fuck. He will drown. He has no time to get to the surface. He tries to swim toward the surface, his hands reaching up, but Billy is holding him and he can’t reach it. The boy lowers his eyes and Billy is in front of him, his blond curls waving in the water, so beautiful and so deadly.
But especially beautiful.
Steve is going to die so he finally does it: he slips his fingers in Billy’s golden locks, and now that they are so close he can see that Billy’s eyes aren’t blue. They have golden flakes near the pupil that he has never noticed before.
Billy’s eyes are the last thing that he will ever see and they are so fucking beautiful.
He is still lost in these thoughts when Billy pushes him against the glass wall so hard that he whimpers and in a moment Billy’s mouth is on his, kissing him. No. Not kissing him. Breathing into him!
Steve’s eyes widen, the mermaid is pushing air into his lungs, and then he takes him under his arm and drags him toward the surface.
“What the fuck Harrington! If you want to die go jump from a fucking bridge, don’t come to my tank!” The merboy complains, irritated.
Steve stares at him, touching his lips incredulously.
“You kissed me.”
“It’s not a kiss if you are almost dying. And I’m tired of saving your stupid life.” Billy replies looking at him with flaming eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“This morning? When you removed your regulator? Does it ring a bell?”
“I… I didn’t…”
“Oh, you fucking did. And you breathe water in, stupid moron, I had to push on your stupid chest and breathe air in your lungs. And you are back here, trying to kill yourself!” The merboy rebukes “Don’t you have a life? A girlfriend waiting for you somewhere?”
Steve shakes his head, then he asks “You gave me CPR? How do you…”
“Someone taught me.” The sea creature replies “She thought that I could have helped people one day. Be a lifeguard or something like that.”
“Susan?”
Billy turns his head for a moment, biting his lips as he was fighting with himself, before he hisses “Can you tell me what the fuck do you want from me? Do you want to prove that I am a monster? Is that it? I could have killed you!”
“I know.”
“So why the fuck are you here! And with no oxygen!”
“I didn’t have the time and I wanted to check on something.” Steve tries to explain.
“What?”
Steve opens his fist and shows him the metal tag in his hands.
“That’s mine! Give it back!”
“Can I read the name of the person who owned it?”
“What?”
“It’s a military dog tag.” Steve tells him “It’s a kind of microchip, like the one the dolphins have. They gave this to the people that were fighting in case… in case they die, so that someone could have brought it back to the family.”
“A name? This thing has a name on it?”
Steve nods and the mermaid uses his webbed hands to turn it but then looks at Steve ashamed “I can’t… I can’t read.”
Stupid Steve, Billy has spent all his life in a tank. How do you pretend he could read?!
“I could read it for you.”
“My mum gave it to me when I was a baby fish.” The blond merboy tells him, holding the tag so tight that his knuckles whiten “She said… she said it was my father’s…”
Steve stares at the merboy astonished “You mean… you mean that your father was human?”
Billy nods “That’s what mum said.”
“Where is she? Where is your mother?” Steve asks, getting closer.
“I don’t know. I was just a baby fish when they brought me away from her. That’s all I have.”
“You can hold it, I just need to turn it and read the name under the tag. Will you let me?”
Billy shivers, Steve has never seen him so nervous, he is usually sassy and sarcastic.
Steve gently pries Billy’s hand open and then turns the tag, gasping at the name.
***
The chestnut boy definitely doesn’t have the time to take a shower, so he changes back and runs toward the exit, hoping that Jim will be too busy looking at the last episode of his favorite series to check on him.
“Thanks, Jim! You saved me! Have a good night!” Steve says, while he keeps running toward the door.
“Hey, Steve, everything ok?” The guard asks him but Steve is almost at the door.
“Great! Have a nice night!” He tells him before closing the door behind him and taking a big breath of relief.
He can’t believe what happened: he got into the tank, Billy saved his life, apparently for the second time, and… they kissed. No, not kissed, he was just breathing air into his lungs, Steve repeats to himself trying to slow down his beating heart.
And that’s not even the most crazy thing.
The craziest thing is that Billy is half-human, like literary half-human, like… he has a human father. A father whose name is written on a metal tag that the merboy hid for years. A name that makes absolutely no sense, because if there is someone who seems to hate mermaids it is that man.
Steve gets home and gets in the shower, feeling the wet sensation of Billy’s plump lips on his. He shakes his head like a dog and a million tiny drops fly everywhere.
It wasn’t a kiss! It was a life-saving maneuver. And that’s not even the point! The point it’s that the name on that stupid tag is the one he suspected, but now that he knows that it’s Billy’s father's name he can’t believe that he was right.
He gets out of the shower and, still dripping water, gets to his computer, searching for every article about the aquarium, Billy, Susan, Neil, Jim, every person that he knows has worked at the aquarium, and he finally finds a very tiny article about Billy’s birth.
“Blue Ribbon at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Nerea, a young little mermaid with beautiful blond hair, has given birth to a very healthy baby merboy. His name, William, was chosen by the visitors of the aquarium, but the staff of the aquarium affectionately calls him Billy.”
Nerea, the young blond mermaid, is looking with terror at the man who is holding her child in the picture.
And that man, it’s Neil Hargrove.
Steve searches for other information about Neil and quickly finds out that his wife's death and Billy’s birth are suspiciously close to one another and that the men left the aquarium when the veterinarians decided that the merboy was old enough to be sold to another aquarium.
Nerea, the young mermaid, died of sorrow a few weeks later.
Steve keeps searching on every website but there is no info about Billy or Neil after that, only a few news about Susan and her premature death, which was labeled as an incident.
Steve goes back to Susan’s Instagram page, searching for every image with the dog tag; there are just a few, in one of them the caption says “My little prince brought me to see his sacred treasure.”
Could Susan have known about Neil?
But how could she? No one knew that Billy was the son of a human and a mermaid.
Unless.
Unless Billy told her like he told Steve.
Holy fucking shit!
Steve looks at the clock, it is far too early and he knows he will not sleep, but he tries his best to rest a little, tomorrow will be a very interesting day.
***
When he enters the locker room Neil is already dressed in a wetsuit “Are you ready to go? Yesterday was a difficult day, I get it if you don’t want to train with him, especially now that you know that he is going to be sold.”
“And why is that? He seems like a unique specimen.” Steve says, feeling disgust for himself but trying to hide it.
“Because he is a monster, maybe?” The man replies sarcastically “Or because he is too stupid and stubborn to be trained? He is good looking but he definitely has no brain.”
Steve nods, wearing his wetsuit.
“You know, I read some articles about Billy last night. He was born at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, did you know that?”
“Yes.” Hargrove replies.
“His mother died of sorrow when they took away her kid.”
“She probably got some infections during childbirth, they are like animals, Steve, they have no feelings.” Neil insists and Steve does his best to hide his repugnance.
“You worked there too, didn’t you?” The boy tries to make it sound like a casual question but, from the way Neil stiffens, Steve knows that he got the point just right.
“Are you implying something, kid?”
“No. Why should I? I just wanted to ask you how she was. If you were able to train her, maybe you can train Billy too.”
“Billy can’t be trained, I already told you. I tried everything. I tried to be kind, I tried to give him prizes, I tried to hurt him, he is indomitable.” The man growls.
Steve nods but he doesn’t think that it’s a bad thing because that’s exactly what Billy is: he is the biggest and scariest wave of the ocean, the one that can destroy an entire town, but that gives you so much adrenaline if you ride her.
Indomitable.
Sounds like a nice nickname, doesn’t it?
“That’s a pity. As we said, he is a beautiful specimen.”
Neil nods “There are places for creatures like him. Maybe they’ll find a way of making him more cooperative.”
Did Neil say the same to Susan?
Did they fight over Billy’s future?
Steve has no proof but he feels that Neil knows more about Susan's death than he is willing to tell him.
“Come on. No fish this time when you collar him. Show him who is the master.”
“Don't you think he will try to use his scary voice powers?”
“Only if you let him. That’s why we have the spiked collar. If he tries something you can activate it.”
“And what did Susan think about it?”
Neil glares at him “Why?”
“I don’t know. She seemed like a nice girl.”
“You have done an awful amount of research, Steve, I’m impressed. Are you studying for something in particular?” The man asks, glaring at him.
Steve keeps smiling innocently “I would like to find a new way to make the mermaids cooperate without hurting them.”
“That’s a nice idea but it’s not possible. How many times do I have to tell you that they are not like us? They are monsters. Free him somewhere and he will feed himself with human meat.”
Steve follows Neil toward the training pool, then he gets back in the tank where Billy is resting.
“No fish today, pretty boy? Are you offering yourself to be my lunch?”
“Nah, just wondering if you were in the mood for a little swim in the big pool.”
“I hate that fucking pool. And I hate that fucking man.” Billy’s eyes shine gold for a moment.
“Billy…”
“What?”
“Don’t do it.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“He has the collar. He will mute you and he will hit you.”
“Not if I hurt him first.”
“And then what? If you kill your trainer someone will put you down because you are too dangerous, do you understand that?!” Steve hisses, trying to resonate with the sea creature.
“Why the fuck do you care?” Billy growls.
Because I like you. Because I liked you since the first time I saw your little red tail waving in the water and your blue eyes pinned on me.
“Because you are a living creature and…”
“Go fuck your self Harrington!” Billy yells and then goes underwater.
Steve sighs, he shouldn’t have told Billy which name was written under the metal plate.
“Harrington! Where the fuck is my merboy?”
“He is tired. Can we try again tomorrow?”
“You are too soft, Harrington, you will never get him to do what you want!” The man yells and then he gets back to the tank where Billy is hiding “Get out of there! Stupid fish!” He yells again toward the water.
Steve understands what’s going to happen just a moment before it does.
Billy gets out of the water so fast that all that Steve sees is a blur of the red silhouette dragging the old trainer down with him.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Billy! Don’t!” He screams, before diving in the water too.
Neil is trying to escape from Billy’s tight grip but Steve knows how strong the marine creature is, there is no chance that he will free himself without the spiked collar.
Steve swims closer to them trying to free the man but Billy’s screams in his mind.
Back off.
And Steve does, unable to resist the command in that voice.
He sees Neil stopping to struggle and finally stiffens, while Billy releases his hold on the man and gets closer to the boy.
Did you like kissing me so much?
The voice sings and then Billy’s lips are on Steve’s, breathing into him and dragging him toward the surface.
It takes a moment for Steve to come back to himself this time.
“How… how did you do it?”
“I sang.” He simply states, keeping Steve lying on his body while he lazily swims in his tank.
“Neil. You killed him.”
“I did.”
“They are going to put you down. You know that, right?”
Billy nods “I know, but when you told me the name I couldn’t… I couldn't resist anymore.”
“Resist?”
Billy nods “My mum. She said she didn’t want it, but he kept abusing her during her training, tiring her out so much that she wasn’t able to fight back. She always wore the collar, speaking was hard for her, but she told me what I needed to know, that I didn’t have to trust humans, and that I should take revenge for her. And I did.”
“I don’t want you to die.” Steve whispers.
“I know.”
“How do you know?”
“You are the only kid that came every fucking day for weeks. You are the one who showed me shapes. You are the one that promised me freedom. You are the one that lied to me.” Billy glares at him.
“I didn’t lie. I was just six. How could I have freed you?”
“I guess, maybe you didn’t lie. Maybe you finally freed me. Today.”
No, no, no, that’s not how he wanted things to go.
“I don’t want you to die.” Steve repeats feeling tears in his eyes.
“I don’t think there are other options, pretty boy.”
Steve is still lying on Billy’s stomach when he sees it, the sewage canal. Not the cleanest way to escape but…
He points at the grate “I guess you are strong enough to pull it.”
Billy sighs “I’m strong enough, but I have webbed hands, did you forget that?”
“Use me. I mean, use my hands, I’ll grab it and you will pull.”
“I will hurt you.”
“I will not let you die, Billy, so help me or I’ll do it myself.”
They swim toward the sewage canal and Steve grabs the grate with all his strength before Billy grabs his arms and pulls so hard that the grate cedes.
They hear the sounds of steps.
“You can still say that I made you do it. That it was my plan all along and you did what you had to to survive.”
Steve shakes his head, here, in a big aquarium tank with a dead body floating just a few feet away, Steve feels finally useful.
“I will not leave you alone.”
In his mind he is still six years old, asking his babysitter if Billy will feel alone at night.
“No, honey, he will not, can’t you see how many fish are there with him?”
Only maybe he did. Maybe he was just a mermaid child, missing his mum.
***
The loud splash brings Steve back to the present time, he has no fucking idea where the water will bring them, and the flow is strong, Steve is a good swimmer but all the adrenaline of the last few days is getting to him so he is starting to feel tired.
“Let the water carry you.” Billy suggests from behind him. Even in the dirty water, Billy is still the most beautiful creature Steve has ever seen.
His tale is huge in the tight canal, but he seems completely at ease even in this unfamiliar environment.
“Are you not scared?”
Billy smirks “Oh, Steve, I have been scared all my life. This? This is nothing.”
He gets closer to Steve and hugs him “Hold on me.”
Hold on me.
Like… you can count on me.
Like… I’m here for you.
And somehow, while they are swimming in the semi-darkness toward an unknown future, Steve feels that he is exactly where he was supposed to be.
He starts to giggle in the dark.
“Are you definitely going crazy, Steve?” Billy asks, but his words are not harsh, just curious.
“I was thinking about my parents, how proud of me they will be when they find out I helped you murder Neil and escape.” The boy chuckles.
“Are you regretting it?”
Steve’s chest gets tight.
Is he scared out of his mind? Yes.
Does he have any idea of what they are going to do now? No.
Is he regretting freeing the merboy? Absolutely not.
They stay in silence for a long time, then Billy sighs "I wasn't trying to kill you, but you were putting your dirty hands in my den.” he explains, without looking at Steve.
“Your den? I thought your den was in the farther part of the tank.” And then the boy suddenly remembers the little red tail hiding behind that same rock “Oh… that was your hiding place.” The place where he collected and hid his treasure.
Billy sighs “I can't believe that I had the answer under my nose for all this time and I didn’t know it! I knew that the stupid necklace had something to do with my father but I never thought that Neil… He was kind, you know? At least at the beginning. He brought me sweet things and some shiny ones. Mum always said to not trust the human but he was the only person I had any contact with so it was hard not to become attached to the only person I saw every day. I could speak with the fish in the tank, but they would not answer me. Neil did. Neil always had some adventure to talk about. How could I not notice that it was him? My mum was fucking terrified of him! And still, I didn’t understand.”
Steve turns Billy’s face until they are watching each other “Don't get angry at yourself. You could have no idea that he was… that he did… who could have ever imagined all of that?”
“Susan.” It’s Billy’s cold answer “Susan did. She told me that she had a plan and that all I had to do was wait for her. Why didn’t she tell me what she discovered?”
Did Neil kill Susan? That’s what Steve has been thinking about since he saw the pictures on Instagram.
He has no proof but if Susan saw the dog tag and Billy trusted her enough to tell her about his father, Susan must have understood that Neil was Billy’s father and everyone knew what kind of trainer he was.
Steve tries to imagine for a moment the red-haired girl confronting the old man, maybe even threatening him.
“But why did she do that? Why didn't she talk to me?”
“I can't pretend I know why she did, Billy, but I'll tell you why I would have done it: to protect you. I would have faced Neil and told him to quit. There aren't… there aren't laws against the abuses of mermaids so the only thing she could do was pressure him into quitting. She probably tried to blackmail him and he… he killed her.”
Billy remains silent, flapping his fins, keeping Steve close to his body.
“She was kind. I think I liked her.” He whispers “She always made sure that there were a couple of shrimp in my food because she noticed I liked them the most. After she died I have never eaten another shrimp.”
Steve holds him even tighter “I'm so sorry, Billy.”
“She was so young. Maybe a couple of years older than you. I thought she fell into the water, I tried to help her, I really did but… but…”
It was too late.
There are no words that can erase such pain, so they stay embraced like that, following the water.
“Listen. Seagulls.”
***
When they emerge from the sewage canal the sun is setting.
For a moment Steve wonders if they will find the police waiting for them, but everything happened so fast that he doubts that anyone had the time to study the watery system and understand exactly where they would have ended up.
When Billy sees the ocean his eyes get wide and the gold in his irises shines even brighter, his gills open, breathing in the salted air, and in a moment he disappears under the water.
For a few moments, Steve sees the red tail, now almost violet, and then nothing more.
He stays on the shore, wet and shivering for the cold, looking at the blue expense of the ocean in front of him, wondering what he should do now. He definitely can’t follow Billy underwater, no matter what, and he has no equipment to swim with him even just for a few minutes.
The boy stares at the ocean, waiting to see a red tail or something but when nothing appears he lets himself fall on his knees.
It’s ok, they didn’t promise each other anything at all, and now Billy is finally free,
The air is crisp on his skin, he is wet and tired and all he wants to do is rest, just for a moment.
***
Steve lies on the shore, looking at the stars and wondering what he is going to do now.
His old life is gone, he is a fugitive and his parents will never get him back after what he did. He vaguely wonders if the police will inquire, if they will look through his computer if they will come to the same conclusion he did. If they will understand that Neil killed Susan.
A gasping fish falls into his lap and when he lifts his eyes, Billy is staring at him, eating another one.
“You should eat.”
“I can’t eat raw fish.”
“Why?”
“It’s bad for my stomach.” Steve tries to explain “And I have no fucking idea on how to make a fire, but thanks.”
Billy raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment when Steve puts the fish back in the water and the animal starts to swim faster than he could.
“What can you eat?"
"Raw? I really don't know, honestly, I never had the urgency of eating something raw directly from the ocean." Steve replies tilting his head.
Billy turns toward the ocean "Have you already been here?"
"In this place?"
"In the ocean." The merboy says, looking at the horizon "It's the first time for me." Billy whispers "My mum told me something about it but… it's so big. I could swim in every direction and tired myself before getting to the glass wall."
Steve chuckles "Billy. The ocean has no glass walls."
The merboy turns toward him, his eyes big with wonder "No?"
For the first time, Steve looks at him like he was a child, not the deadly creature everyone said he was.
"No. You can swim wherever you want, with no limits."
Billy stares at him, silently.
"Are you scared?" Steve asks, getting closer to the water.
"No." the merboy denies, and Steve sits on the shoreline.
"It's ok if you are. I will not judge you. I'm scared too, you know?"
"About what?"
"Everything? I mean, I think I technically lost my job, I'm pretty much a fugitive and I can't go back home. All I have right now are the clothes I'm wearing and they are soaked." He confesses with a wry smile.
"Why don't you strip?" Billy suggests.
Steve startles "What?!"
"Why don't you strip? Your clothes will get dry faster."
"I'm not going to stay naked in front of you!"
"Why not? I'm always naked and it makes no difference to you."
Steve blushes "It's different!"
"How?"
Steve can't point out if Billy is being sassy or naive, so he turns his face to avoid Billy and he sees a Lifeguard Towers a few feet away with a white little boat resting at his feet, the word lifeguard written in big bold red letters, and goes toward it: if he is lucky enough he will find some spare clothes.
The boy is not worried about adding breaking and entering to all the crimes he probably committed in the last few hours, so he breaks the lock with a rock and gets into the lifeguard's tower. He finds an old backpack with a pair of bright pink swim trunks, and a long faded tank top, then he takes his wet clothes and throws them inside the little boat and he pushes the boat toward the sea.
"What's this?" Billy asks, swimming around the little boat.
"It's a boat. It's a floating thing that humans use to move in the water without swimming." He never understood how little was Billy's knowledge of the world until now and for a moment he regrets his actions, the merboy is used to living in captivity, how could he survive in the wild?
Steve starts to row but Billy complains loudly about it "Stop it!" He yells, barely avoiding one of the rows.
"If I don't row in some direction I'll go adrift!" Steve complains "I have no map and I'm no good at reading stars, if the water flow will drag me far from the shore I'll be lost." And probably die.
"I can push you."
"Sorry?"
"I can push this thing.” Billy repeats “I'll stay close to the shore, I promise."
"We need to find a cove or something like that, a place where we can both rest but where we can hide." Steve says, looking around.
"Like a den."
"Like a den." Steve agrees, getting the rows inside the boat.
Steve wonders if it is crazy to entrust his life to a killer merboy who could literally eat him, and the answer is probably yes, but he is too tired, and the gentle rocking of the waves is so soothing that he falls asleep.
***
An unusual weight on the chest is what wakes up Steve, who yells when he sees a big seagull resting on his chest.
"You ok?" A familiar voice asks.
Steve turns and sees the merboy resting on some rocks nearby while the boat is resting on the shoreline.
"Where are we?"
"In a den, like you said."
Steve looks around him, they are in a little cove, the water is bright green where the boat rests, but it gets darker and darker a few feet away.
"A sea cave." He whispers astonished.
"Do you like it?" The merboy asks him, jumping into the water and reemerging just in front of Steve "We could live here."
Steve's stomach grumbles.
"I can get you some fish." Billy proposes and Steve starts to look in the old backpack to see if there is something useful and finds a crumbled packet of crackers and half a bottle of water.
"Thank you but I'm good." The boy replies.
That is a limited-time solution, he will have to get back and Billy will swim away soon, but all he can do right now is let himself enjoy the moment.
His feet hit something, and when he looks down he sees many colorful little rocks, some of them are bottle glasses that the waves transformed in little gems, but there are also some shimmering shells.
"What are those?" Steve asks, confused.
"Presents. For your treasure."
"I don't have a treasure, Billy." Steve tries to explain to him.
"I know. But you need one. A big one. I know you are not strong enough but I'll help you guard it." The sea creature replies, smiling with his sharp teeth.
"Billy… I don't need it."
"You do. My mate needs to have the biggest treasure ever!" The merboy declares proudly.
"Your what? Billy, are you ok?"
Now that Steve notices it Billy's tail is even brighter and he is almost dancing around the boat, like the sea lions do before mating.
"Billy?" He calls again, but Billy's eyes are golden than ever, with no blu in his irises "Billy I don't know what you are thinking but you are not in your right mind, ok? I understand that everything that happened was overwhelming, but please, look at me. I'm Steve. I'm your trainer."
"We kissed."
"We… sort of kissed but it wasn't a real kiss, ok? You were giving me air to breathe, do you remember that?"
"I want to give you more air." Billy's voice is so musical, and even if he is not singing to Steve, he definitely could.
Steve shakes his head, he must remain lucid, they are still in danger… Billy's lips look so nice and all Steve wants to do is feel them on his own.
"Steve…" that’s music. Not the kind he experimented when Billy gave him the order to say back, but is still a song, a song about a kid who preferred to stay at the aquarium all day instead of going to play at the park, a song about a boy who was lost, a song about a mermaid child that was scared and alone, a song about a powerful creature willing to kneel for one person alone: Steve.
The boy is leaning toward the merboy, their faces so close that he can feel Billy's breath on his skin.
It's wrong and it's perfect.
The water opens for him when he falls from the boat, but his beautiful merboy is there to cushion the fall and to share air and spit with him; his webbed hands at the side of Steve's neck are drawing swirls that make Steve shiver and for the first time Steve's hand touch Billy's skin.
It's a strange feeling, Billy's skin is cold and a little bit slimy, but his lips are warm and welcoming.
Steve.
Steve.
Steve.
He knows that it's his name but somehow is not his anymore.
Billy reemerges, holding him tight.
"Steve." He calls again, and Steve's decision shatters under the merboy touch.
The sea creature swims toward the shore, letting the boy lie on the sand.
"I want you." The merboy whispers on his lips, licking the salt from Steve's skin and Steve can’t suffocate a moan when Billy’s lips stop just behind his right ear and start to kiss and bite playfully his ear.
“Sing for me…” Billy murmurs, grinding against him with his entire body and it feels like an electric shock.
Billy’s hands are cold and Steve’s skin is far too hot, he struggles with the tank top, and finally Billy tears it, freeing Steve from the offensive piece of tissue, while hovering over him.
The merboy could crush him, but he doesn’t, he is gentle and handles Steve with such care that he thinks that no one has ever treated him as such.
They kiss again, still hungry for each other's taste, Billy pushes Steve against the sand but Steve is not going to stay there and take what the merboy is going to give him, so he turns them, leaving the merboy lying on the sand and straddles him.
Billy’s eyes are wide, his entire body is driven by the oldest force in the universe: lust.
His scales open a little and Steve sees it: a huge red dick pouring a clear liquid.
“What…?”
“I wanna mate you.” Billy whispers, like a plea on Steve’s skin, and there is no doubt about what the merboy is more than willing to do.
“Billy…”
“I’ll be gentle.” He promises, but Steve knows that he can’t trust him, at this moment Billy is just an animal driven from the primal force of reproduction and Steve’s body is not made to take something so huge.
“I can’t. Billy, I can’t. It’s too big!” Steve protests.
“Gentle.” Billy repeats, while he darts his tail and makes Steve slip closer to his chest, his huge dick between them “Touch it.” He asks him and Steve moves his hands to touch it. It’s different from Steve’s dick, bigger but softer, wet and so flexible, and it seems to move almost like a hand.
“How…?”
“It will not hurt. I promise you. I would never hurt you, you know that.”
Does Steve know that?
“How… how do you want me?”
“Close.”
Steve moves Billy’s dick out of the way, the merboy's dick just behind his back.
“What now?”
“Relax.” Billy whispers while he takes Steve’s wrists and pushes him against his chest.
“No, no, I’m not ready!” Steve tries to protest, but Billy’s dick is grinding against him leaving a wet trail that tingles.
“You’ll be ready in no time. And my dick is softer than what you are used to.”
“How do you know?”
How do you know that I have been fucked?
“I scented him on you. Didn’t like it. You smell so much better now. Sea, salt, sex.”
Steve can’t deny that his dick is leaking on Billy’s chest.
“Will you stop if… if I ask you to?”
“You will not ask.”
“But if I do?”
“I will.” the merboy promises, and then, with a sudden movement, he starts to push inside Steve’s rim.
The pressure is gentle but relentless, Steve feels so full as he has never been before, but Billy is right. It doesn’t hurt. Not at all.
“Oh god… I fill you in my throat…” he moans.
“Would you like that? Would you like to feel my dick into your throat?”
Steve can’t answer because Billy is dragging him down on his monstrous dick while kissing him, licking with his tick tongue every corner of Steve’s mouth, eating every moan, every sigh directly from the source.
Then he starts to move inside him.
“Harder! I want you harder!” Steve asks and he will cry if Billy denies him, but he doesn’t, the merboy is ready to satisfy him and he keeps moving inside him harder and harder, making Steve bounce on his slippery tail, his legs spread around his muscled boy.
“Will you show me the most beautiful of your expressions?” The sea creature asks him and Steve nods, he doesn't even know what Billy means but whatever he wants he will give it to him.
“Come. Come for me, my treasure.” He whispers in his singing tone of voice, and Steve clenches so hard around his huge dick that it almost hurts, but it’s just a moment, and then he is falling from the biggest height ever.
When he opens his eyes the mermaid is still deeply inside him, jolting just a little inside him.
“You ok?” Billy asks him, his eyes back to blue.
“What happened?”
“You came for me.” Billy explains to him easily and Steve nods.
“Yeah but… after?”
“You passed out.”
Steve has read in some porno magazine that it could happen, but he thought that it was just an exaggeration, instead, he came so hard on Billy’s dick that he blacked out.
“What about you?”
“I need more.” The merboy tells him.
“More like what?”
“Will you let me come inside you? Paint your inside with my cum? Make you drip?”
The answer is so obvious that Steve doesn’t waste time answering and just nods.
“Give me your hand.” Billy asks him, taking three of Steve’s fingers and sucking hard on them while he keeps thrusting harder and harder. Billy’s teeth are very sharp and he could easily chop off Steve’s fingers, but they are looking at each other, Steve’s body still covered in sweat, and when he feels Billy going rigid Steve pushes his fingers even deeper, not caring for his own safety, and it’s the right thing to do because Billy opens his mouth, moaning something that sounds like a song and comes into Steve. One time, two times, three times, he comes so much that Steve feels his stomach bulge and the merboy’s cum dripping from him.
“So beautiful.” He whispers, lying on Billy’s body and the merboy holds him even tighter.
“Rest.”
“You need to rest too.”
“Mermaids don’t rest.” that’s incorrect, but it’s true that they don’t sleep like humans so Steve doesn’t complain “I’ll protect you.” Billy assures him, and for a moment, before falling asleep, Steve thinks about how quickly their role reversed. He was the kid that promised to free him, he was the one that helped him escape, but now, in their den, it’s Billy who is taking care of him.
Their den.
It sounds nice.
Doesn’t it?
***
Steve hears them before he sees them: angry songs rise from the boiling water. Steve is still on the shore and Billy is in the water, moving back and forth protectively in front of him, hissing.
“Who are you?!” One of the mermaids asks him, and Steve notices that they are all old and female.
“Who are you?!” Billy growls, hissing again.
“If the guppy wants to play, let him play, Muriel.”
Steve can understand what they are saying even if they are not really using words but a strange kind of subtle melody, and the mermaid with the black hair that just spoke doesn’t seem too friendly.
“Go away from my den!” Billy hisses again.
“How sweet is that, the guppy is trying to defend his territory!” Another laughs, and Billy keeps hissing, trying to shield Steve from their view.
“Oh… I see… the mating season made him crazy. He thinks that the stupid human is his mate.”
“Go away!” Billy sings to them but the order has no effect.
“Your mum didn’t teach you how to sing, little guppy?” The one called Muriel asked again.
“Don’t talk about her!” Billy growls, but then he freezes, seeing a mermaid with blond hair getting closer “Mum?” He asks confused and astonished “Mum… I thought you were still at the aquarium!” Billy says with a wet voice.
“She is not your mum Billy!” Steve tries to tell him, running toward him.
“Maybe she escaped like I did!” He replies, still looking at the beautiful mermaid, but Steve gets into the water, trying to shake him.
“It’s not her, Billy. It’s not your mum. Nerea… she died. She died after they brought you away from her.” The last words are almost a whisper and for a moment everything stills, then, something drags Steve underwater and he feels a sharp pain at his waist. He looks down and a red-haired mermaid is biting him.
He screams, trying to free himself, but it is only Billy’s intervention that makes the other mermaid release her grip and then he drags Steve safely toward the shore.
“You ok?” He asks, looking at the red blood that is pouring from his pierced skin.
“I’m good… I’m good.”
“Did you know Nerea?” The blond mermaid asks, getting closer.
Billy grits his teeth, so Steve answers for him “She was his mum.”
“Nerea… Nerea was your mum?” She asks again, and now that she is so close she has something familiar, long blond hair, blue eyes…
“She was… she was my sister.” The mermaid says “Are you really her son? She was too young when they captured her! How… How did that happen?!”
“My mate is injured!” Billy growls “I don’t have time to chat!”
The blond mermaid turns toward the other mermaids “Go get some seaweed to cover the wound.”
“But Onda…”
“Do it!” She sings and the order is so fierce that Steve would have been ready to go too if Billy wasn’t holding him so tight.
“Can I look at your wound?” The blond mermaid asks and is not an order, Steve could refuse, but it hurts a lot, and if she can do something to help him with the pain he will gladly accept the help she could give.
“It’s not too deep and Shui didn’t use any venom. You’ll be fine in no time, little human.”
Steve is not used to feeling little, but between these two creatures, he really feels just a kid.
“Are you really my mum's sister?” Billy asks without looking at her and the mermaid nods.
“Can you tell me what you remember of her?” She asks, and Billy is ready to tell her but she shakes his head “Not like that. Sing it to me.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Close your eyes, concentrate on her image, and let the music flow.”
It’s a sweet and sad song and even if Steve can’t understand a single word, at the end of the song his eyes are full of tears.
The blond mermaid addresses his wound and looks around the sea cave.
“You find a nice spot Billy, but you can’t stay here forever. Would you like to come back home with us?”
Billy’s fins shivers and Steve knows that he has never had a home, but then he looks at him.
“You have to go, Billy. They are your people.”
“What about you?”
“I’ll be ok.”
Onda nods “I will personally erase his memory and make sure that he gets back to his home safely.”
“You want to take him away from me?!” Billy snarls and Onda seems to scent Steve.
“I see. You already mated him, didn’t you, little guppy?”
“I’m not a guppy! And he is my mate! I will not leave him!”
She laughs “And what are you going to do, uh? He has no tail that I can see, and no gills either.”
Steve smiles, playing with Billy’s hair “It’s ok. You have to go with them and I have to go home. It’s ok.” He tries to comfort him but Billy is crying into his arms.
”I don’t want to leave you. You are my mate.” The merboy whispers.
“I am not, baby. You just imprinted on me. It happens. And I think I did it too. But you’ll be ok. I’m sure that there are a lot of pretty merboys waiting for you.”
“Steve…”
“It’s ok. Do what you have to.” He tells the blond mermaid and the mermaid nods.
“Thank you for keeping my prince safe.” She whispers, but before Steve can ask any questions a sweet song is already making him sleepy.
***
When Steve opens his eyes he is at a hospital and a policeman is asking him questions about what happened at the aquarium, but Steve can’t remember anything at all. A month of his life has gone completely lost.
He doesn’t know who Neil Hargrove is and he has no idea how he died, in his mind he is still waiting to know something after the interview that he made for the position of mermaid trainer, but the aquarium hasn’t a mermaid anymore so it seems that he is out of a job.
Steve joins many TV shows where they interview him trying to make him talk about his experience. He attends every single one with his mother, always eager to parade him around and ready to play the part of the worried mother. They take the money but the interviews are all the same, an infinite series of “I don’t know.”
Did the merboy threaten you?
Did he try to kill you?
Did he bite you?
Steve doesn’t know.
Public opinion is divided into a group that thinks that mermaids should be protected and left free, while another part thinks that what happened is proof that they are far too dangerous and that they should be exterminated once and for all.
Both of them ask Steve if he wants to be their ambassador and it doesn't matter how much money they offer him, he always refuses.
Every morning he runs three miles and ends his run on the beach, looking longingly at the sea, feeling that he misses something that was really dear to him, but he keeps running and goes back home, takes a shower, and sees the red sign of the bite on his skin, tangible proof that mermaids are, indeed, dangerous.
A mermaid killed Neil Hargrove and maybe even Susan Mayfield.
A mermaid bit Steve.
Still, his heart is mourning.
He dreams of oceans, colorful fishes, and shiny shells, and he dreams of songs with no words but that fills him with emotions and when he wakes up, in the morning, he feels rested, loved, and cherished without any real reason.
After a couple of months, all the interest in Steve has diminished and one more time he is the failure his parents can’t accept.
They tell him to find himself a job and he changes from one minimum wage job to another, trying to find his place in the world, telling himself that when he will find the right job, the right house, the right girl, everything will be ok. He just has to wait, the universe will give him what his heart longs for, he knows it, and he is not wrong.
***
Steve always loved diving, so when the longing for the sea becomes unbearable he takes his equipment and goes to the beach.
He shouldn’t go diving alone, it’s dangerous and he knows it, but he can’t wait anymore.
The boy changes into his wetsuit, which feels like a second skin to him, he wears his diving mask, takes the oxygen and his fins, and gets into the water.
The deeper he goes the colder it gets but he keeps diving, searching for a thermocline where he knows he will find some fish.
He has the impression to have seen something violet in the distance, but when he turns to look with more attention there is nothing.
When Steve reemerges, ready to go back home, he sees a little white boat rocks near the shore, inside it there are many shiny things: pieces of glass, shells, and little jewels.
It’s a present for him, a proposition, and there, when the sun is setting like it was months ago, Steve makes a decision. He grabs all the little trinkets and puts them in his backpack, then he goes back to his sad one-room apartment, grabs some food and some clothes, and goes back to the beach as fast as he can, wishing so hard that the boat is still there waiting for him, as it is.
He gets on the boat and starts to row toward the open sea.
A little voice inside his mind tells him that he will get lost and he will die a horrible death in the middle of the ocean, but another part of him urges him to keep rowing so he does, until he hits a rock. Or maybe not.
“Going somewhere, pretty boy?”
Listening to Billy’s voice is enough to dissolve the enchantment that the blond mermaid did on him.
“Billy!” The boy calls, diving into the water, and the merboy catches him with no effort.
“Hey there, pretty boy. I knew you would have come.”
“Did you sing for me?” He asks, putting together all the little things that happened to him: the dreams, the pull toward the sea, the shiny treasure.
“I sang for you every single day.” He replies, peppering his face with kisses “Onda told me that if you really were my mate you would have felt the pull even if you didn’t have your memory. And you did, didn’t you, sweet thing?”
Steve smiles, but they are still in the middle of the ocean.
“What now?”
“Now I’ll bring you home.”
***
Home, Steve discovers, is a little island uninhabited, or at least with no humans. There are a few animals and a big underwater cave that leads to an entire submerged town. Even if Billy did his best to share oxygen with him, Steve wasn’t unable to visit it, he just saw a big palace nestled between the rocks.
“I hate that you can’t see it.” The merboy says while they are resting on the beach.
“I’m sure it’s beautiful.”
“I could sing it to you.”
“Do you want to?”
“I want to share everything with you.” Billy replies, and then he starts to sing while playing with Steve’s hair, but in his song, there is more than just a castle between the rocks: there is pain and sadness, there is hope and fear, there is a hole that has Steve’s shape, and there is love. So much love.
“I’m sorry.” Steve says, turning away to hide his tears “I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, baby.” The merboy replies holding his chin and making him turn toward him “Nothing.”
“I left you.”
“You did not. You were hurt and you needed help. And you came back to me. You came back for me.”
Steve nods, while silent tears fall from his eyes and the merboy licks them.
“No more tears, I want to see you wiggle.” He tells him and then he kisses him and Billy’s foreign mouth is the closest thing to home that he has ever tasted.
The blond merboy keeps kissing him, biting the side of his jaw, and then he goes down, and down, until he is breathing just above the tent in Steve’s swim trunk.
“Can I taste you?” Billy asks him, and when Steve nods he lowers his swim trunks and takes him into his velvety hot mouth. His clever tongue insists just under the head of his dick and Steve grabs Billy’s hair, trying to resist the impossible pleasure that is filling him.
“I’m going… I’m going to come…” he mumbles, and Billy sucks even harder, ready to swallow Steve’s release.
With a few hard thrusts, Steve comes with a moan into Billy’s mouth.
Billy smiles like a shark before kissing Steve and sharing his own cum with him and even Steve’s cum tastes like the sea.
Steve’s body is so lax after the orgasm that Billy’s dick finds no resistance when he gets inside him.
The boy whimpers a little when Billy’s big dick brushes against his prostate so soon after his first orgasm, but he doesn’t complain when the merboy keeps moving inside him, boxing him and kissing him until he is a whimpering mess under him.
“So good for me… So perfect…” he praises him and Steve comes again, painting both their stomachs white.
He gets ready to relax and feel the merboy filling him until he is dripping cum, but after the first shot, Billy pulls out and comes on Steve’s body, mixing their cums on his skin.
“Mine… My mate…” he whispers and Steve nods, unable to speak.
***
“You know how important you are to him, right?” Shui, the red mermaid that bit Steve months ago asks the boy.
“I love him.” He replies.
“I know you do but I don’t think you get what it takes to fall in love with a mermaid. And with a special one like Billy.” She tells him looking at him with condescension.
“He has always been special to me, even before you found us in that stupid cave.” Steve retorts angrily.
“Don’t be offended and listen to me, stupid human. He is a Prince. Do you get that?”
“Onda is the Queen, his title means nothing.”
“It means nothing now. It will mean a lot when he changes.”
Steve turns toward the red-haired mermaid.
“He what?”
“Have you seen him today? Are you wondering why I am here babysitting you and not eating shrimp with my sisters?” She points out, annoyed.
“Where is he? What is happening? Can you bring me to him?” Steve asks anxiously.
“Calm down, little human. He is fine. He is just going through a transition.”
“I don’t understand. Is he ok?”
The mermaid nods “He is. It’s a natural process. Some fish do that, didn’t you know?”
“Some fish do what?”
“They change sex when they get older.”
They do. Groupers do it. Clownfish and other fish do it too.
“He is changing sex?”
“Didn’t you notice that all the old mermaids are females?”
He has seen a few other merboys… but no merman.
“Will he be ok?”
“They. And of course they will. They are with their sister, they will take care of them and I promised to take care of you. I just wanted to warn you because I don’t want you to be mean to them when they come back. They have human blood and we don’t know how they will change.”
“It doesn’t matter. I love Billy and I will love them whatever it happens, but are you sure they’ll be ok?”
The mermaid stares at him and then she silently nods.
***
One week.
The entire transformation lasted one week, and in all that time Steve's only company was Shui and his own fears, so when he finally sees a mane of blond hair he runs toward the water.
Billy doesn’t look too different, the only difference that he can spot is “Your tail!”
It’s not bright red anymore, it’s more lavender.
“Did Shui…”
“She did.”
“And you are ok with that?”
“Me?” Steve asks, confused.
“I’m not… I mean I am still me but… different…”
This time Steve is holding them tight “I don’t know what happened and I don’t want to know. I’m just glad that you are ok.”
“I am not ok.” Billy replies, avoiding Steve’s eyes.
“What do you need? Can I do something for you? I can ask Shui…”
“I’m not… complete.” Billy replies with humiliation.
“You are not… what?”
“I don’t have any fucking tits, Harrington! Didn’t you notice?”
Steve blinks a few times, his mouth open in disbelief. He did not notice.
“And is it a problem? Is it hurting?”
“I’m good at nothing!” Billy yells, punching the water and splashing salt water everywhere “All I had to do was transform like every fucking mermaid and I did it wrong.”
Steve gets deeper in the water, holding Billy’s face in his hands “You are fucking perfect. You got it? You are all I ever wanted and all I care about is if you are ok.”
When Billy turns toward him Steve stares at them unashamed: it’s not true that they have no tits, it’s just that they are smaller than the other mermaids. Steve gently cups one of them, weighing it in his hand.
“Can I… Can I kiss them?”
He has never thought about a female version of Billy but now that they are in front of him he wants to discover every part of this new body.
“Aren’t you horrified?” Billy asks.
“I think that the word you are looking for is mesmerized, and I am.”
Billy’s tail winds around Steve and drags him toward their chest “I’m still going to fuck you. You know that, right?”
***
They are on their honeymoon, that’s what Onda called the period they gave them before dragging Billy back to work at the palace now that they are officially the second in line.
Billy’s body is softer and their tail has a different color, but for the rest, they are still sassy as they used to be.
They haven’t had sex since Billy transformed and Steve is determined to put an end to their period of chastity.
“You know, humans have sex during their honeymoon.” He says, caressing Billy’s shoulder while they are resting under a swaying palm tree.
“Oh, do they?”
"Definitely."
“And what’s your plan? Convincing me to have sex with you talking about human customs?”
Not the brightest plan ever, but at least they are addressing the matter once and for all.
“Are you in pain? That’s why you don’t want to have sex with me?” he asks and Billy shakes their head “Are you worried you will not like it?” another nod of refusal “So what?”
“I’m worried I’ll get pregnant.”
Steve almost chokes on his own spit.
“You what?”
“Oh, Steve, do I really have to be the one who tells you? When two people love each other very deeply, sometimes they have a baby.”
“No, I get that, I mean I didn’t think that…”
“That you could get me pregnant?” Steve’s mouth feels too dry so he just nods “You could. Just like Neil did with my mum, and the younger the mermaid is, the easiest is to get pregnant.”
Steve nods “Oh, I get that, you don’t want a child from me. I mean, it’s ok, it wasn’t really in the cards when we met so…”
“Would you like that? A child? Our child?”
It’s a tricky question.
Short answer? Yes.
But he is respectful of Billy and their choice so he says “All I ever wanted was a family, and you are my family.”
“That means that you hate the idea of having kids?”
“No! I… I… I’d like to have them. With you. But if you don’t want them I get it. I mean, our life is pretty complicated as it is, right?”
He is not wrong: Billy has many responsibilities and Steve can’t exactly follow him underwater.
“I want them. But I’m scared. What if they are damaged, like me?”
No, Steve is not going to have any of that.
He pushes Billy until they are lying with their back on the sand and their arms over their head.
“You are not damaged Billy, and our hypothetical kids will not be damaged either. And if you will never want them I will never ask, but I can't stand listening to you talking like that about yourself.”
“You are really in love with me…” the mermaid grins.
“I really am.”
“Maybe I should fuck you, just to know if you are still a good partner.”
“You are such a brat!” Steve complains, but after a moment it is he who is trapped with his shoulders on the warm sand.
“Do you think that your human dick is good enough to fuck someone? It seems so tiny, doesn’t it?”
Steve’s dick is far smaller than the one Billy had “Do you think it is too small?” The boy asks, blushing at the humiliation.
“Oh, I think that with such a tiny dick I will barely feel it, and I really don’t think it will catch.”
“There is just a way to find it out, what do you say? Are you ready to let me try to knock you up?”
Billy’s dick is smaller than it was but is still there, so Steve takes it in his hands and finds it even more flexible now that it’s smaller.
He rubs his dick on Billy’s and when the tip of Billy’s cock gets into the slit of Steve’s dick he whimpers.
“Oh fuck, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”
Steve shakes his head “It’s just… intense. And strange. But mostly intense.”
“Does it mean that I could still fuck you, pretty boy?”
“Oh, I think you could even if I was inside of you but this… this feels…”
“Good?”
“So fucking good.”
Billy’s dick keeps thrusting inside the tip of Steve’s cock and when it withdraws with a quick movement Steve comes copiously on the mermaid.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” he moans, trying to stabilise his breath.
“Harrington, I thought that all of that was supposed to get inside me, not on me.” Billy teases him.
Steve rests at Billy’s side “Give me a moment and then I’ll fill you until you beg me to stop.”
“Do you really think you could?” The mermaid keep teasing the boy, but Billy let Steve rest a little while they go back in the water to keep themself hydrated; when they get back from their swim Steve is more than eager to show them that he can be a good lover.
Billy tries to play with Steve’s dick again, but the boy grabs Billy’s sex with his hand and starts to jerk them off while he slowly penetrates inside his partner for the first time.
Billy’s body is wet and warm and when they whisper on Steve’s lips that they want it harder, Steve doesn’t hesitate, thrusting harder and harder, listening to the watery slaps sound and to their moans.
“You are so warm, baby. So velvety and warm. I wanna bury myself inside of you and stay like that forever.” Steve whispers while Billy keeps repeating that they want it harder. “If I keep going like this I’m going to come in no time.”
“I’ll fucking kill you if you stop now!” Billy almost yells while they keep moaning under Steve and when the boy feels that he is close it takes Billy’s dick in his hand once more and starts to jerk them off quicker and quicker, doing his best to get them off before coming inside of them.
“Let go. I’m here. I’ll get you.” Steve reassures them and finally, Billy comes with a moan that reverberates inside Steve’s soul, clenching so hard on Steve’s dick that he comes too, filling Billy’s inside.
They hug each other, Steve still inside Billy “I want to keep you inside me a little more.” They tell him and Steve couldn’t deny them if he wanted to.
“You ok?”
“It was… intense.” They reply and Steve smirks.
“Was it?”
“I think I’d like to do it again.”
“I’m your humble servant.” Steve replies with a smile, brushing away the blond locks “You are so fucking beautiful.” He whispers, kissing their cheeks, and somehow it feels more intimate than the fact that Steve is still buried deep inside Billy.
Steve sighs, content, if Billy want he will try to breed him again, and again, and again, but for the moment holding them in his arms is more than enough.
#stranger things fanfic#steve x billy#harringrove#Christmas presents 2023#mermaid AU#merman billy hargrove#mermaid trainer Steve Harrington#my fanfic#medusapelagia#medusapelagia fanfic
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NO STRINGS ATTACHED PROMPTS
* assorted dialogue from the 2011 film
i'm warning you. if you take one step closer, i'm never letting you go.
so what's up with not calling me back?
it's perfect. will you read it for me?
did you think we had sex? we did not have sex!
i know it's over.
are you having sex?
that is a terrible, self-destructive plan, and i'm behind you a hundred percent.
when we met, you weren't wearing pants.
can we not tell everyone?
how long have you two been together?
what i need is someone who's gonna be in my bed at 2AM who i don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.
yup, i'm definitely gay.
look, i'm not really an affectionate person.
go on a date with me.
you are such an overachiever.
look at my face.
we're sex friends. friends with benefits. fuck buddies.
i can't keep doing this. i'm not gonna see you again.
look, i know i'm supposed to want to be in a relationship, but i just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of their old t-shirts.
if we were in a relationship, i would become a weird scary version of myself. my throat starts constricting. the walls start throbbing. it's like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.
hey, someone call charlie brown! we found the great pumpkin!
don't make fun of me!
i'm gonna call everyone in my phone until someone agrees to have sex with me.
i'm pretty good at archery.
let's smoke some weed.
i sprained my wrist punching a wall.
i'm not good at this stuff.
the box of fifty donut holes is $5.79. you're gonna need two boxes.
we fell asleep and we were spooning.
try to stay away from women who want to fuck you.
that was really mean.
don't do that. don't just disappear like that on me.
how much money do you have on you?
do you wanna do this?
well, i can't date you either.
you're very talented, but fuck you!
i guess i wanted to hear your voice.
i want you to know that i respect you.
you shouldn't listen to me.
thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.
do you want to get out of here?
it's not really possible.
you left your socks in my room.
if you're lucky, you're never gonna see me again.
congrats? for what? having sex with you?
i'm so sorry. i love you.
hey, you can't call me and tell me that you miss me.
if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.
people aren't meant to be together forever.
i don't want to freak you out, but i'd love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.
i thought you just said it.
i'm going to start peeing with the door open. it's going to get weird.
i can't focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!
i don't want to have that conversation on the phone.
we don't get to pick who we fall in love with, and it doesn't happen like it should.
we didn't break up. we never started.
you did a good job, so i thought you deserved a balloon.
you make my heart skip a beat.
yeah, i could do that.
can i say something? and don't take this the wrong way because you know i'll be your friend no matter what.
okay, where's that?
oh, by the way, it's the best sex of my life.
are you still there?
i made you a valentine's day card.
i'm assuming that's a good thing.
things were getting too intense so we decided not to see each other until we hook up with other people.
that's really sweet.
you always do this. you always find something wrong with everybody who likes you.
we were spooning with our clothes on which is like. ten times worse.
we are getting laid tonight!
is this about me not having a date?
god, i am single as fuck.
i understand what's going on.
you have to come with me.
i can't stop thinking about them.
this isn't really my place.
i'm telling you to be hurt. i can take it. the world can take it.
sometimes my neck gets sore because my brain is so big.
get in your car and drive away.
i know this is random. i just... um. i miss you. i miss you so much.
i don't know what to say.
you're fucking my ex-girlfriend?
i'm not gonna meet your parents.
don't list me as your emergency contact. i won't come.
you know i worry about you sometimes.
i think monogamy goes against our basic biology.
i just worked fourteen hours.
no one threw up on me today.
that was such a fail on my part.
if i catch you taking pictures of your dick one more time, i'm taking that thing away.
watch and learn.
you want to go with me to this stupid thing?
did i just pass out on your couch?
did you look at it?
oh my god, i love you so much.
#rp starters#rp memes#rp prompt#rp meme#rp musings#roleplay memes#roleplay prompt#roleplay meme#writing prompt#askbox meme#ask memes#rp asks#ask meme#inbox meme#inbox prompts#inbox prompt#rp inbox meme#sentence starter#sentence starters#sentence starter prompt#rp prompts#no strings attached#movies#mcflymemes
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just found this guy’s answer to a question on quora (“is misandry a problem in the US?” or something of that nature) and was wondering what your reaction to it would be. there are some points i wouldn’t be sure how to refute, though it’s certainly not enough to change my radfem beliefs lol. i’ll copy and paste it since i can’t send ss in anon
Q:“is misandry prevalent in today’s society?”
A:“I would say so.
Woman: doesn't want a child so she secretly aborts it.
Man: doesn't want a child and is forced to pay child support for 18 years while being ridiculed as a dead beat dad
Woman: my body, my choice
Man: has his genitals forcibly mutilated for no good reason at birth
Woman: free drinks at the club on ladies night
Man: there is no men's night. Drink prices increase to cover all the free drinks ladies get
Woman: oh please keep yourself safe
Man: forced to sign up for selective services (a.k.a. draft) at 18.
Woman: complains about low paying job
Men: 67% of work place injuries happen to men, 93% of work place fatalities happen to men. No one bats an eye
Woman: mostly automatically given custody of children no matter what
Men: you can see your children on the weekend only and pay for child support
Man: simply accused of abusing a woman and goes straight to jail.
Woman: beats the man senseless and if the man defends himself goes to jail. If he doesn't defend himself he still might go to jail or if he is lucky police will tell him to quit making a big deal about it. Has 1 place in the country to go to for sheltering battered men despite the fact that women are the perpetrators of domestic violence some 40% of the time. Woman, have countless battered women shelters to go to.
Man: gets raped by woman at gun point being forced to give oral sex and held captive for days. Society has a good laugh
Woman: gets raped and her perpetrator is rightfully punished. No one is laughing about it. Woman gets psychological help and all kinds of assistance from society. Also if she makes false accusations of rape, ruining a man's life, no one says a thing about it and she is free to go on accusing.
Men: penalties for the same crime as women are much longer sentences.
Men: comprise 60 some % of homeless population
Men: comprise of a majority of suicides
I could go on but it's only going to anger the feminazis more and more”
reading crap like this makes me so mad tbh, like i understand moids don’t have easy lives just because they’re moids but GOOD FUCKING GRIEF it’s like they just can’t fucking get enough of acting like society wasn’t built by men for men. 🙏🙏 sorry it just gets me upset. anyway love ur blog!!
Oooof this is a really great ask so thank you for sending this in! I guess I’ll approach this by answering each one individually (although I might repeat myself)
Men pay child support while women can just have an abotion
This is a very strange argument. Because firstly not every country has fully legal abortions. 47 countries only allow it for health reasons, 43 to save the mother’s life and 22 it is fully illegal. A lot of men like this seem to forget that there are other countries on this planet. I’d personally rather be the gender that has to pay child support for an unwanted baby. Even in the case of legal abortions, abortions are not easy to go through. It is mentally very difficult and can be an invasive procedure. Women are shamed for having abortions in every country, even the most ‘accepting’ places.
Circumcision
I am very against circumcision and this was probably his most valid point(?) But his point excludes the fact that FGM is practiced in many countries and cultures. And while male circumcision is usually done for religious reasons claiming its ‘hygienic’ and has little to no bad side effects while FGM can kill women and girls, and is done for far more malicious reasons that I can’t even begin to describe.
Men’s drinks night
Does he know the implications of what ‘buying a woman a drink’ means?? Yeah, I’d much rather be a man in this situation 😭
Drafted at 18
I am against anyone being drafted, and I’m against any military work period. But men made this rule because they deem men to be brave and strong - a stereotype designed to benefit them.
Work place injuries and fatalities
Most injuries and fatalities happen with manual labour, construction/factory work etc. Same stereotype as listed in the point before this.
Custody over children
Again, this happens due to a stereotype that benefits men. Women are ‘better parents/nurturing’ while men are not and should go out there and work and achieve their goals while women stay at home. Literally designed to benefit men. Also, a lot of men view the custody struggle as a privilege because they cannot be bothered to be fathers.
Going to prison because of a simple accusation and less abuse shelters for men
This is the craziest point because men do not go to prison over some random accusation pulled out from thin air. In order to accuse someone of abuse, you need extensive indisputable evidence. Even then, the police will not take it seriously or the defence will win the case for whatever reason. These are the hardest crimes to prove in a court and the statistics show this. Less abuse shelters for men because they are far FAR less likely to be a victim. Yes, its’s sad but this literally proves misogyny is a thing rather than misandry - because I know damn well which sex I’d rather be in this instance.
People laugh at male rape victims and women are given full support/legal justice
I addressed this in the previous point. Women are ridiculed and not believed/not given justice at an extremely higher rate than men.
Longer male prison sentences
Same stereotype that I’ve said before about being stronger/braver vs weak/nurturing. The stereotype was made to benefit them. Also this ignores that a lot of the time there are other aspects to a crime that result in a higher sentence given. For example 1st degree murder done for financial motive vs sexual motive.
Larger male homeless population and male suicide rate
I guess this is more of a question of why men are more likely to be homeless or commit suicide. Make suicide rate studies suggest it’s harder for men to admit mental health struggles/reach out for help. Again, it’s sad but the strong brave stereotype was designed to benefit them, like I’ve said before. Permanent homelessness is largely due to addiction, mental health, childhood poverty, financial crisis, loss of relationships to family/partner. These can all happen to women, except a lot of the female homeless population are trafficked, resort to prostitution, enter abusive relationships to escape the streets. In a lot of countries, people seem to think its 99% men that are homeless, but its usually not. You just typically only see male homeless people sitting/sleeping on the street in public spaces - that’s a more terrifying place for a woman to be compared to a man.
—
I guess this guy’s main problems is that he:
- Thinks USA/Europe/western countries are the only places that exist
- Can’t see that bad things that happen to men are actually a result of stereotypes designed to benefit the male population
- Makes up statistics in his head that aren’t true
- Has a crazy victim complex
- Can’t see that the women’s position in his scenario is actually worse
I hope this helps with any future debates and refutes! And I hope I explained myself well enough 😭
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I DID IT!! I LEFT HER :)
I bought a plane ticket and flew for the first time (which was so fun and I got to sit by the window both times!) to be with my extended family who I don't know all that well but my grandma is here too and my grandpa is on his way, so I feel more comfortable since they practically raised me. it's been so fun this past week getting to know all of my cousins and aunt and uncle! there's so much to do here too! I've been hiking, biking, riding atvs, riding my aunts boat, attempting wakeboarding although failing miserably, shooting my uncles guns which was a rush!! and it turns out I'm a perfect shot lmao. and on top of all that, this family really likes to do stuff together which I'm not used to at all so I swear I've been getting invited to one thing after the other every day I've been here. there also happens to be a whole lot of positions open up right now in this area which is great because I was mostly worried about how I was going to find a job last minute.
my uncle and I seem to have a lot in common which is comforting. he also grew up in the desert with nothing to do and also had a crazy mom so were getting along very well. we seem to have a lot of similarities in other areas as well. he took me for a day to show me some of his favorite things to do and also show me what a day of work is like for him and put me to work for part of the day so that he could get a feel for what im skilled at. were surrounded by so much forest so he took me to some of his favorite spots close to a cabin he's been fixing up and we got to explore an abandoned mine shaft!!! OMG it was so cool! he also took me to a really nice cemetery near where he works and it was so beautiful and mystical and we saw a whole lot of deer all throughout it which just enhanced the whole experience. I'm having so much fun
I've never been so relaxed in my entire life. its sad to think that this way of living was always available to me lol. oh yeah, the coffee here is absolutely amazing! and there are so many options, its almost overwhelming. now that im able to be more active, I've fallen back into my coffee addiction to stay energized throughout the day lol.
id say the only con is that my aunt is a lot like my mom so sometimes it can be difficult to be around her but other than that, this is like heaven :))
obviously it's not perfect, as I'm still trying to cope with the guilt of leaving my mom and fighting the urge to cut or starve when my guilt gets to be too much but id rather this lingering feeling than the constant torture of living with my mom in a place with nothing to do and nowhere to go, you know?
plus side from all this trauma is that I've lost 14 pounds since I left her and that's just from all the hiking and walking I'm doing during my free time lol
I'm still in a calorie deficit most days but its not really that low compared to how I used to restrict.
I'd say right now the only thing that's really stressing me out is my need to constantly body check, its definitely gotten worse since I moved out here, and its because I really cant tell how others perceive me.
I'm also fighting with myself most days since I got here cause I keep catching myself saying things inside my head like "you dont deserve to eat", "dont be a fat pig", "no one will love you if you get fat", you know, the cliche signs that you are not completely recovered yet, but I think I'm also going to be starting my period soon and I often fall into a depressive state right before, and it often starts with self hatred and then fades halfway through my period.
anyway I've gotten way off track, obviously the move cant solve all of my problems but I am so happy right now despite my mental struggles and still cant believe that I'm lucky enough to be so easily accepted by a family who doesn't even really know me yet! I wouldn't have been able to escape if they weren't so welcoming from the very beginning.
#ed bllog#tw ana diary#childhood trauma#child neglect#trauma#verbal abuse#psychological abuse#tw ana shit#ed vent#i wanna be perfect#edblrr#body ch3ck#ana trigger
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Adult Loneliness
Being alone and loveless as an adult feels like being picked last in gym team sports, only you don’t actually ever get to play the game. You just watch everyone else play. You are happy for the people who are having fun and playing the game, and you cheer them on from the bench. And you try to convince yourself that you’re actually not a sports person and you want to be sitting on the bench. After awhile, though, you realize you have to believe that, or you’d never survive. For awhile, it may even be true, but not for long.
Before you know it, you’re in your 30s and you actually like who you are as a person. You’re a genuinely good person who cares about other people and you’re a great friend to have. You keep yourself busy so that people think you are successful, not lazy. You work 3 jobs, go to school full time, and have a social life, all while making it look effortless. You keep your heart open to love. You try the apps, you try to go out and meet people, you try to have your friends hook you up. That doesn’t work so you get a dog so that when you walk through the front door, someone is there to greet you and be excited that you’re home.
Your best friends try to cheer you up by convincing you that you just haven’t found your person yet, and anyone would be lucky to have you. It feels like bullshit.
But here’s the thing. You also have depression. So you sit in your depression apartment with dirty dishes, trash, dirty laundry, and clutter and you say to yourself, “This is why you’re single. Who would want to be with someone who lives like this?” You forget to eat, though you have a food addiction and a BED. Your best friend starts randomly asking if you’re okay and you genuinely have no idea what she’s talking about because of course you’re okay! Look at my cute dog! Look at my college degree! Look at my 3 jobs! I’m so successful and busy and look how happy I have convinced myself I am!
But then you realize she’s looked concerned more and more and you start to question if she sees something you don’t. Whoops, looks like your depression and loneliness have been masking themselves as workaholics while simultaneously making you the laziest you’ve ever been.
You know you need therapy, but you can’t afford it. And you’ve had terrible experiences with multiple therapists. You can’t even find a decent therapist who will actually care about what you have to say when you give them money to do it. What makes you think you’ll find someone who will fall in love with you for free?
So you bury your nose in romance books and when your brain starts to remind you that you’ll never have that, you tell your brain, “AH AH AH! Nope. Here’s another book. Forget reality, this relationship is cute!”
Then one night, at 3am, you’re watching TikToks and you look up and your brain, without permission, reminds you how alone you actually are. That you’re no one’s choice. No one’s priority. No one falls asleep thinking of you. No one has dreams about you. No one daydreams or fantasizes about you. No one wakes up wanting to hear your voice or see your face. No one wants to hold you. No one wants to comfort you when you’re sad. No one wants to make you laugh. No one wants to be in love with you.
While you’re surrounded by incredible people and your best friend is a soul-level best friend, they’re married. Both of your best friends are. They have their people. They have someone to come home to. They have a reason to leave you alone.
So while you know that you’re “not alone” per say, you are very much alone. The loneliness eats at you until you’re forced to look at it, no matter how long you’ve been ignoring it. It taps you on the shoulder and forces you to look at the game from the bench, wondering when it’ll ever be your turn.
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25th hour : tasm!spiderman x workaholic!f!reader!
Summary: Peter's girlfirend loves her studies and her internship. She wants to be the best of the best and therefore work all the time, having trouble with finding any of it for Peter who as a result feel neglected and forgotten. What happens when someone gets exhausted of this situation?
Peter’s POV
I’ve known her since we were kids. She was there for me after my parents died in that car accident and when I was going through hell. Honestly, I have no idea how I would have survived if it wasn’t for her. She was also the first person to find out when that spider bit me and left me with superpowers. Y/n never complained. Of course she was constantly worried but never told me to stop. Most probably because she knew me well enough to know that I wouldn’t. I can’t even begin to describe how lucky I was she didn’t gave me an ultimatum and made me choose between being Peter and Spiderman and despite everything she stayed with me. We were nearly inseparable in high school, always together so it was natural that after some time I developed more than friendly feelings for her. I took me far too long to finally admit it, but it was such a relief when she confessed to reciprocate. I was like the luckiest man on Earth and wanted to spend all the time in the world with her. Holding her, being close, protecting her from whatever danger may come her way. She was mine and I was hers however tacky and cheesy this may sound. Our first kiss took place in less than romantic circumstances after one of my fights when I was practically bleeding on her bed, but nonetheless it left me with butterflies in my stomach and the feeling of never wanting to let her go. The thing was, however, that despite my best effort she put most of her focus on school and scholarship and her internship at one of NY’s biggest tech companies and slowly, almost untraceably she started to drift away from me.
Y/n’s POV
I wish my day has more than 24 hours. Even one more would be enough. That 25th hour would truly be a blessing since it would mean that I could finally find some time for my best friend. Peter. If it wasn’t for the fact that we were going to the same school I would probably forget how he looks and that single though made me want to cry. I could cut down on sleep or lunch break skipping the meal, but it was never enough. With all the school work and my work at GI Tech ….
I loved what I was doing. Truly. I always imagined myself being the top game, being well aware that I would have to sacrifice a lot, but leaving Peter behind …. One of the hardest decision ever. What made it even worse was that once I got myself into this workaholic cycle I could not stop. I only regretted it after I was done with all the task, deep in the night. And then guilt came running and unwanted tears showed up in my eyes. However, everyone around was constantly telling me that I was doing great job and how proud they were of me.
“ Miss y/l/n, you are my most prominent student, if you keep working like that you are going to come to great things” I heard from the teachers
“You are the glory of the family y/n. Everyone just envy you.” My parents used to say.
“I’m so jealous of all you do, y/n. I wish I was so motivated and determined” my classmates often repeated.
“I miss you….” Countless texts from Peter were like an undying twinge of conscience.
Ever since I was a kid I had this crazy feeling that I can’t let anybody down. So, here I was, trying to keep the facade of a successful person and I was still a teenager …..
It was just an average school day. I’m not even sure which one, possibly Wednesday. I had only a few classes and then had to head out to Gi Tech for the rest of the day. At least that was the plan. Funny thing about them was that plans are subject to change.
“Miss y/n! Can you please come into my office for a second? I am in need of your immediate help.” I heard the principal calling me from the other side of the hall and every instinct told me to twirl around and run away but instead I just put on a smile and obediently followed the man.
“How can I help, principal Briggs?”
“You are aware that we are hosting the discussion clubs next week? For an interstate school debate.”
“Yes, sir. I was the one who made that idea come to life.”
“Right. However, some …. Unforeseen circumstances came to my attention….” I was a second away from rolling my eyes. Couldn’t he just cut to the chase. He was wasting my time and any second was just so precious. “One of the students who were supposed to be a host in this is …. incapable of this function anymore. I was wondering if you could probably step in and fill in for him.”
Hell no! The event was taking place on Saturday. Next Saturday when I already was supposed to help my grandma with some work, catch up on a school projects and finish the presentation for GI. I was also secretly hoping I would find at least couple hours to see Peter…. God, damn it!
“You are my only hope, miss y/n. Can I count on your help?”
“Of course, sir. It would be my genuine pleasure.” Yes. I’m a work addict “And now, if you excuse me, I am already late for class”
“Of course, dear. Wouldn’t like you to get into teacher’s black boots. Though I don’t think that is possible in any case. Now, go.” He dismissed me with a single wave of his hand.
***
“Y/n?”
“Peter.” I sighed in content when the class ended and I was finally free to go on break and find my best friend in the school yard. This was truly a view for sore eyes and I felt so much relief when I felt his arms around me. He was about to pull away, but I just grabbed him closer making him stay like this for just a couple more stolen seconds “Please, a bit more” I muttered against his chest.
“But we are in the middle of ....””
“I don’t care. Please.” I begged and this made him stay and pull me even closer. “I;m so sorry.”
“For what?”
“For ignoring you.”
“How are you ignoring me right now”
“Not just now, Peter. For the last weeks. I’m so sorry.”
“Hey” he grabbed my chin and made me look at him “I get it, ok? I know how important all of your work is for you.”
“Not more important than you….” I blinked so he would notice the pain inside my eyes.
“It’s fine.” He smiled faintly and I was sure he couldn’t even convince himself that this was true. “We’re going to get through this, all right? I’m not going anywhere”
“Peter, I…. There’s something I need to tell you….” I started but didn’t get to finish.
“y/n!”
“Oh, what now?” I spun around annoyed and ready to fight anyone who was interrupting my moment, but Peter grabbed my hand and started rubbing the palm with his thumb soothing me.
“Wow, someone’s in the mood today. Apparently the tech club has some problems with the newest software. Since you are the smartest one in that area they are asking for you.”
“Like now? Can’t this wait?”
“I;m afraid not. It’s rather urgent. Now, will you come?”
No. no I won’t. I’m in the middle of something important right now, so back off.
“Go.” Peter whispered. “Go. I’ll be right here after your classes. I’ll walk you home, ok?”
“I’m so sorry Peter” I let go off his hand and suddenly felt so empty inside. This one sentence was lately the most frequently used while talking to him.
***
In the middle of the night I was still working. The work project I got myself involved in was far too interesting to just stop in the middle. I had my phone on silent mode so that no one would disturb me and refused eating dinner with my family when my brother came round asking me if I would join. The work was like a drug taking away any other human need in my life. Ok, maybe I was feeling a little dizzy, but it was only because I got so many ideas to follow and was scared to miss a thing.
“y/n. Why are you still up?” once again my brother peeked through the door.
“Still? What do you….?” I turned my head slightly to look at the clock. Oh. Oh,shit. It was almost midnight. “Well, I;m onto something. But you,sir, why aren’t you sleeping? You are too young to stay up this late.” I stood from behind the desk and my wobbly legs almost made me fall but I covered up for it “go to bed, mister. I promise I won’t be long,ok?
“I;m worried about you, y/n. You don’t have time for me lately.”
“I know. I;m sorry.” Again. “It just a phase,ok? Everything will be back to normal, soon” Liar. Liar. Pants on fire.
“Ok…” my brother said hesitantly “ goodnight then, sis”
“Night. Night. Sleep tight”. When he left I sighed deeply and hid my face in hands. Why was it so damn hard?!
“y/n” this time a faint whisper came from the side of a window. Oh, there he was. The only person who could jump on the wall and climb to my room without being noticed in the middle of the night.
“Peter.” I was quick to open it and let him inside “what are you doing here? Did anyone see you?”
“I surely hope not. Can’t imagine how your parents would react on seeing me here on this hour.”
“Exactly” I smacked his arm lightly “I just had a conversation with my brother on the importance of sleep, so why aren’t you in your own bed?”
“Such a hypocrite you are” he shook his head smiling but there was still worry on his face “You should listen to your own advice from time to time.
“I know. I’m so…”
“No. Shh” he put index finger on my lips and I frowned at this sudden and unexpected action “don’t say it Talk to me. “
“now?”
“yes.” He took a step closer
“About what?”
“nothing. Anything. Everything” he rested his forehead on mine “I miss you.”
I sighed closing my eyes and enjoying his presence.
“I love you, Peter.”
“I love you too” he slowly lowered his head and pressed his lips on mine. It was so soft, so gentle and yet I could feel how much he was longing for this contact. How touch starved he truly was and tears started flowing down my cheeks. God! I was crying during a kiss and this made him stop.
“What’s wrong?” he cupped my cheek in concern wiping them away “did I hurt you?”
“What?” I could feel more of them coming. He was just so sweet and compassionate. I was the one to let him down multiple times recently. I was the one to struggle with finding time for him. I was the worst girlfriend ever and here he was asking if he did something wrong “Peter” I hid my face in his chest and pulled him closer than it was physically possible “don’t ever say that. Please. You are perfect and the only failure in this relationship is me.”
“Stop it” his arms tightened around my waist “Stop saying that. You are the best thing that happened to me. The most challenging for sure” I could almost feel his smirk “but also the greatest.”
“Can you stay with me for a while?” I refused to let go
“And what happened to why aren’t you sleeping in your own bed?”
“Well, if you insist on that “ I shrugged “but I got one of my own, Parker ….”
“What are you suggesting?” his cheeks turned slightly red.
“Nothing, you idiot!” I pushed him gently but since his instincts kicked in he quickly regained the balance “I just want to cuddle with you. Nothing more, you perv.”
“Sorry.” He muttered looking down and for the first time in forever I genuinely smiled. He was sucha dork sometimes. My dork.
“It’s fine. Now come here – I laid down and patted a spot next to me.”
He slowly approached the bed and laid on his right side to face me. His left hand sneaking around my waist pulling me close and that made my body relax immediately. This simple gesture was an expression of unconditional love and warmth and safety.
“Peter?”
“hmm?” he hummed caressing my hair in this slow, gentle motion that made me slowly drift off to sleep
“what if someone finds out that you are here? My parents or my brother? Or what if your aunt discover you are out of the house and raise and alarm?”
“Do not worry about it, now. Sleep. You need rest. Everything will be fine. I promise” he kissed my temple.
“Peter?”
“Hmm?”
“thank you” I mumbled and with all this peace and calmness that his presence brought on me I quickly and smoothly feel asleep.
***
When I woke up he was already gone. I decided to treat that as a sign he got home safe and no one discover his late nigh trip to my house. Smiling lightly I tried to get up and this time my legs gave up and I feel to the ground feeling extremely light headed. The room was spinning and for a while I could not find any strength to get up. Those noises must have disquiet my brother since he came running.
“y/n, are you ok?” he helped me up eyeing me carefully
“yes. Yes. I’m fine. I tipped. Such a clumsy person I am, right?” I ruffled his hair jokingly “it’s nothing, really. Now, get ready for school and give me some privacy to change, right?
“Y/n…..” he was still worried and my heart clenched
“I am ok, bro. Pinky promise.”
***
Spoiler alert. I was not fine. I barely made it to school since with every step I felt like my lungs were failing their purpose. Breathing was a struggle, keeping myself up was a challenge and my head was against me, pounding at every sound. However, I was determined to get to classes. Or just simply stupid. It took all my strength to get through the first two hours and I skipped on going on break, instead staying inside and pretending to read some lecture. Even a text from Peter, asking where I was and why I didn’t come to meet him was too much to handle. After 15 minutes of the second class I suddenly felt like throwing up.
“Miss Thompson” I raised my hand interrupting the teacher in the middle of the sentence “can I please go to the bathroom?
“Why didn’t you go during the break, miss y/l/n”
“I;m sorry” I flashed my most beautiful smile “it’s rather urgent, you know …” I waved hand around hoping she would believe it’s about the ladies stuff.
“All right then, go. But do it quickly. What we are discussing now is very important and you do not want to miss the lesson.”
“Thank you” I gathered myself to get out of classroom and rushed to the toilet. The second I busted through the door I started to throw up. The waves of vomiting came with the tears and shaking, not knowing what was happening to me and my failing organism. I felt sick. Really sick, stressed and scared and I could not stop it. I felt the bathroom spinning and the last thing I remembered was the feeling of cold tiles on the floor.
Peter’s POV
Something was wrong. I felt my hair stands on end, my heartbeat fasten and something inside me screaming in panic. y/n I thought immediately There was something wrong with her. Where was she? Was she in danger? I had to find her, this very moment. I stood up abruptly, knocking down the chair and making all the classmates turn their heads towards me. Some of them were laughing banteringly, other were shocked but I couldn’t care less.
“Mr. Parker! What is this” the teacher looked at me
“Can I go to the bathroom?” I blurted out
“Why didn’t you go during the break?”
“I’m sorry sir, I think it’s urgent matter”
“Do you have the trots, Parker?” I swear one day I’m gonna deal with Flash Thompson for good, but not now. Just let me go, let me go.
“Fine. Go, Parker”
I rushed through the door in desperate need to find her. But where could she possibly be? She had classes so if something happened and no one knew till now she must have been alone. Given her character, never wanting to be the center of attention she excused herself and … girls’ bathroom. Shit. I was gonna get in trouble.
Y/n’s POV
The first thing I felt when I opened my eyes was unpleasant sting in the right arm. Then I heard steady beeping of some machine and notice white, definitely unfamiliar ceiling. Was that hospital? As I tilted head slightly to the left I noticed Peter pacing around the room fiddling with his fingers nervously.
“Peter” I whispered
“y/n, oh my god, you are awake. I was no nervous” in a blink of an eye he was right next to me, kneeling next to hospital bed, grabbing my hands in his and hanging his head low.
“Hey” my faint voice made him look up “what happened”
“you fainted in the bathroom. I found you because of…”
“because of Peter – tingle?” I smiled lighly
“please, don’t call it like that”
“my hero” I cupped his cheek, caressing it with the thumb “you brought me here?”
“yes. Your parents are already on their way. The doctors say that you are dehydrated, malnourished and exhausted. You need rest. Loads of it. No excuses this time.”
“I know and I;m…”
“no y/n! Enough of that!” he looked straight at me and the fire in his eyes startled me.
“Peter, I ….”
“Let me talk” he shook his head with evident anger “enough with the bullshit! I’m done.”
“Done?” I squealed. Was he breaking up with me…?
“done with letting you hurt yourself. Look where all this workaholism got you! You are in a hospital bed, for god’s sake, y/n! When I found you unconscious on that bathroom floor I thought I lost you! Why would you do that to yourself? And why would you do that to me?!”
“it’s pretty much the same way I feel when you put on your costume”
“it’s not the same!”
“it’s exactly the same Peter.” I sighed “And that is also exactly why I know how you feel right now”
“Do you?” he was still angry, his back to me.
“Yes. Please, Peter, look at me” he turned slowly and I could see tears in his eyes “I’ll change. I promise. But I will need your help with that, ok? Will you be there for me?” I searched his eyes and whole face for a single sign that he agrees.
“Always. I'll take care of you ” He whispered caressing my cheek and leaning down to kiss me. It got me every time. This proximity like a single promise that he will not let anything bad happen to me. That he will be there for me. In this innocent kiss he was conveying all of his emotions – fear, relief, pain, anger. When he moved closer to deepen it he pushed on my PVC and I gasped in pain.
“sorry. Did I hurt you?” he pulled away instantly.
“you could never. Or at least I hope” I grinned “and Peter, what you said about being there for me. I want you to know that I am here for you too, ok? Whatever you going through”
“I know. I love….”
“Easy, young man” my dad entered the room and made Peter back off instantly “you better step away from my daughter before someone else ends up in a hospital”
“Dad!” I yelled “he was the one who saved me!”
“And I hate it. But I suppose thanks are in order. So thank you, Paul.”
“Peter!” I corrected him with a giggle.
“I.. I'm gonna go…” Peter muttered. “I’ll see you soon, y/n”
“Over my dead body” my father muttered.
Ok, so now I know that the extra time I will have while dealing with my workaholism will be spend on making two most important men in my life like each other. Seems like a long way to go.
#marvel imagines#marvel fanfiction#tasm!peter imagine#tasm!peter x reader#marvel fic#mcu imagine#mcu x reader#marvel x reader#peter parker x fem#peter parker fanfiction#peter parker fic#tasm!spiderman x you#tasm!spiderman x reader
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As I think I've mentioned once or twice before, one of the other things I do for fun outside of writing is playing Dungeons and Dragons with some friends from college. We started during the pandemic as a way to keep busy on Sunday nights, and we've been lucky enough to keep it up for the last three years and start some new stories and adventures with it.
Now, I consider myself a pretty good writer, but I went to college with some amazing and creative people and next to them my characters usually look like amateur hour.
But I'm kind of proud of this one - it's for a new one-shot that @profmj is dm'ing for us for October. (If you are into DND, go give her a follow! She's doing some art of the Curse of Strahd campaign we're in right now that's really fun.)
---
I was born an unlucky child.
Stars are a good luck charm, in my village, and that's why my mother named me as she did - so that I would always have a little bit of luck. She couldn't help the circumstances of my birth, but she could protect me from the world, or try to, anyway, and that's exactly what she did.
Adventurers lead strange lives - everyone knows that. And my mother was one of the best - Sabina Von Scholtz. Fearless and daring could have been her middle names - the best hand I ever knew with a rapier, a beautiful singing voice, and a smile that could charm a dragonborn into thinking he needed new flints to light fires. She'd been so many places, and made so many friends - her name a watchword on the tongues of people from the Bright Coast to the Great Sea.
But small villages are small villages, and even they don't turn a blind eye when their golden girls come home from far-away places with babies in their bellies. Especially babies with fathers they don't want to name.
Perhaps, then, it might be better said that my mother was unlucky - to be who she was, living where she was, in the trade she was in. But she never said as much to me. I was her darling girl and her only joy, and she never for one moment made me think she'd suffered because of me.
It wasn't only until I was older I found out how much she'd sacrificed for me. My father was a man she'd met on one of her adventures - the man they'd been sent to kill. She did it, of course - but only after she'd seduced him, a glamour hiding her true face so he took her for the woman he'd lost long ago. His desire cost him his life - but he had powerful magic of his own, and that desire took root and gave her me: her Stel, her little star.
We spent my childhood on the road, moving from town to town and village to village, my mother taking work where ever it could be found and leaving me with tavernkeepers' wives and kindly clerics. When I was old enough to hold my own with a bow I started joining her, and taking odd jobs around town when she couldn't. (I can clear a tavern table faster than any woman around, and I'm a fair hand at cards. My voice isn't nearly as good as my mother's, though. I never learned that trick.) I can still fight with a bow, when I wish, but now I have her beloved moon-touched Rapier - a prize she won on an old campaign. I'll tell you the story some time, if you like.
He wasn't exactly human, my father, and neither, you'll find, am I. I've never feared the dark - Stars are the night's creatures, and the night is where I'm calmest, and where my friends are usually found. You may meet them if you stay with me a while.
I'm Stel Von Scholtz - a ranger by trade. And you?
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Imaginary Friends
Cesar has a best friend. Said best friend is an eldritch abomination with origins beyond our comprehension
CW for eye injury, mouth injury. An alternate dies because it’s a bitch
It was an afternoon just like any other. Yet another day was spent trying and failing to make friends, and Cesar sat dejected on the couch, Momma running her fingers through his hair and comforting him the best she could. “Don’t worry mi hijo. I’m sure you won’t have to wait much longer. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.” If that was true, why did no one want to be friends with him? Cesar shifted in his seat, but decided to force that thought back down. Momma smiled. “We can still make this a good day. How about I put Sesame Street on for you, and we have empanadas for dinner?” Cesar raised his head. “Potato ones?” Momma cooed, kissing him on the forehead. “Of course mi chiquito lindo.” She turned on the TV before heading to the kitchen, the sound of various dishes being pulled out of cupboards and the commercials announcing that an episode was about to start filled the silence.
The theme song began playing, showing the colorful puppets going on various adventures with kids around his age. He frowned at kids in little groups, some holding hands. Suddenly, the sound cut out. The color was next, and the picture slowly faded away into TV static. He was just about to call out for Momma when music began to play. There was a title card too.
The Might of the Subconscious.
“Can you hear me? Hello? Can you hear me?” A face soon appeared on the screen, two small white circles for eyes and an even bigger one for the mouth. Cesar crossed his arms and huffed. “Hhhheeeyy this isn’t Sesame Street!” The face continued, Cesar’s comment going ignored. “Oh, hello! Now, you may be thinking ‘who is this voice speaking to me through my television set?’ Well, let me introduce myself. My name is Stanley.” Despite it not being the show Momma promised, Cesar smiled. He liked Stanley, he was nice! “My name's Cesar!” The corners of the face’s mouth curled slightly upwards. “That’s a very nice name, and it is very nice to meet you. Consider me a friend, because I might consider you one too.” Cesar squealed with delight. He never had a friend before!
“I like having friends. How many friends do you have?” Cesar drooped, his loneliness hitting him full force. “I don’t have any.” “That is nothing to be ashamed of. Once upon a time, I didn’t have any friends either. But then I learned something wonderful: I can make friends appear out of thin air.” Cesar ran up to the tv, small hands pressing against the cool glass. He could make a friend? Just like that? “What was that? You want to know how? Well, I can tell you, but you have to promise me that I am one of your friends first.” Cesar nodded hard and fast, sending strands of hair bouncing this way and that.
“Great. First we must consider what makes up a good friend. What do they sound like? What do they look like? What colored eyes do they have? Do you have a friend in mind?” “Yeah!” A friend that always existed in Cesar’s head, always providing warmth and comfort during the bad days. Quiet and gentle, and he liked reading and playing games and drawing. And his favorite food was pizza! And he likes cats and his favorite color is blue and-. “My, you have thought a lot about this friend, haven’t you? Wonderful job. I think it’s time for you to finally meet that friend. Now just close your eyes and think really hard about your new friend.” Cesar shut his eyes tight, and focused harder than he ever had in his life. A few moments had passed, and then a thud came from somewhere nearby. “Can you keep a secret? I think it worked. Your new friend is somewhere in your house. Now it’s up to you to go and find them.” Cesar let out an excited yell and bolted from the living room, too caught up in his joy to notice that the tv had switched itself off.
He ran from hiding spot to hiding spot, trying to find his new friend. They weren’t under the kitchen table or in the basement or behind the shower curtain. He even held his ear to Momma’s bedroom door. Nope, nothing in there. He then ran to his room, swinging the door open. And there his new friend was, a boy his age sitting cross legged on his bed. Pale skin, fluffy brown hair, a face covered in dark dots. A blue t-shirt and gray shorts and white socks. The friend smiled shyly and waved. “Hi Cesar.” Cesar couldn’t contain himself any longer and ran to his friend, jumping onto the bed and hugging the other tight. He couldn’t stop giggling and eventually the friend joined in. He pulled away only slightly so he could take a proper look. “What’s your name?!” The friend sheepishly smiled. “I don’t have one. Do you have any ideas?” Cesar hummed, trying to think of a good name, mind eventually wandering back to a book his class was currently reading, and one of the main character’s friends. He was smart and funny and Cesar’s favorite. “How bout…Mark?” “Mark…Mark…” The friend slowly sounded out the name, as if he was testing how it sounded. A grin quickly spread across his face “I love it! Thanks Cesar!” Cesar laughed and grabbed the newly named Mark by the hand and ran out of his bedroom, enjoying the feeling of not being so alone anymore.
——
It’s a warm summer day a few years later, the air is sweet and fresh, butterflies and bumblebees gather in Cesar’s mom’s garden, and with school out of the picture for the next couple of months, it was the perfect scenario for kids their age to run free and play to their heart's content for days on end. Which was what they were doing right now.
It was a battle to end all battles, Mark’s sound barrier breaking race car versus Cesar’s dinosaur that can shoot lasers out of its eyes and flames out of its mouth. The car dodged the lasers and swerved around flames so hot, they melted the buildings surrounding them. The car jumped off a skyscraper, using a pile of rocks and chunks of concrete as an impromptu ramp. The car was just allowed to land on the dinosaur’s head and-Mark snapped back into reality, staring into the woods a few yards away with an unreadable expression. Cesar blinked, trying to figure out what caught his friend’s attention. “Marcador? Are you ok?” Mark paused, smiling down at Cesar and handing him the car. “Yeah, don't worry about it. Wait here, I’ll be right back.”
The woods were cooler compared to where he had been moments before, the shade from the trees blocking out the sun. There were beams of sunshine that still poked through the foliage, but only became darker and colder the deeper the young boy went. It was completely quiet too, no birds chirping or little squirrels running through the treetops, not even the wind rustling the leaves. Complete and utter silence. That was, until Mark picked up the sound of crunching dead leaves and breaking twigs, and only getting closer. Mark turned around, only to be met with…Cesar. Mark sighed, exasperated but fond. “Sar, I told you to wait for me. It’s dark in here, you could have hurt yourself.” Cesar tilted his head, the smile never leaving his face. “Why would I ever listen to something like you?”
Mark took a step back, eyes scanning Cesar’s face. “…what are you talking about?” Cesar giggled, hollow and empty and cold. “You’re one of them, aren’t you? You always were, and you always will be one of them. No matter how many games of make believe you play.” Cesar’s smile grew too wide for his face. “How long before you finally kill me, Mark? Before you kill my mom? I know you think about it. It’s in your nature, that’s why you exist. That’s why he allows you to exist.” Mark felt his stomach turn. He picked up a stick, and jammed it into Cesar’s eye. There was the horrible sound of screaming, Cesar’s screaming, that slowly transitioned into TV static. The form followed suit, Cesar melting away to reveal a black, lanky figure. Dark red liquid dripped out of the wound, as it wrapped a hand around the stick, desperately trying to pull it out. Mark wasn’t quite satisfied with his work, so another stick found its way into the other eye. The thing screamed once again, stumbling around and trying to hold onto trees for support, liquid pouring in rivers down its face. If it hadn’t tried to imitate his best friend so poorly just seconds ago, Mark would have felt bad for it. It grabbed him, and Mark could feel its claws sinking into his skin. “You cannot run from what you are. Everyone will know. Your little pet will know, and you will be abandoned. Pray that he will be merciful enough to allow something like you to join us once agai-.” It was cut off by Mark shoving a hand into its mouth, then the other. He wasn’t going to kill it, absolutely not. Too much blood and the noise was probably going to scare the real Cesar. But Mark couldn’t let it walk away and tell the others. Not without sending a message, at least.
He began pulling down, ignoring the shrieking and keeping one hand in place to prevent it from biting down. There was only the sound of wet tearing, before the jaw came free, landing on the floor with a wet smack. It stared down at the jaw in shock before back at Mark, now only pitiful wheezes and hisses coming out. It ran deeper into the woods, leaving a trail of red liquid in its wake, the rivers turning into waterfalls. Wind rustled through the leaves, birds sang, and squirrels were arguing over nuts and berries. Mark stood there, listening to make sure it was truly gone, then back outside, letting out a sigh of relief when he could still hear Cesar’s heartbeat, strong and relaxed. He quickly walked out of the woods, not wanting to worry anyone or draw attention to himself, but also wanting to leave as soon as possible in case it decided to come back.
Cesar was still there, playing with the discarded toys and in his own world, completely oblivious to what had just happened or the danger he could have been in. And despite everything, just the sight of his best friend was enough to make Mark smile. Cesar turned around and let out a horrified gasp, and it was only then he realized he was covered in the alternate’s blood. “No, Sar, I’m ok.” Cesar grabbed his hand dragging Mark behind him, the toys completely forgotten. “Don’t worry Mark, we have band aids at my house!”
Cesar would later realize the toys had been left behind in his panic, only to find them on his porch the next morning.
——
The rain has been pouring outside nonstop and Cesar is running around excitedly. Momma is letting them take over the living room tonight, which means watching movies until the sun rises. Or until they both fall asleep. Whichever comes first. He’s grabbing all sorts of soft things-pillows and stuffed animals and blankets-while Mark has been tasked with gathering snacks from the kitchen. He ran out of his room, giggling and arms overflowing with the results of his search, the pile so big he could barely see over it, and there was a trail of things that had fallen off left behind in his wake.
He entered the living room, only to find it not only devoid of snacks, but Mark was standing in front of the TV, staring at the static with the angriest glare Cesar had ever seen on him, clenching his teeth and fists so tightly that Cesar was genuinely surprised neither was bleeding. “…and I don’t care. Hurt him, try to go after him again, and you’ll have to deal with me.” “…Mark?” “Cesar.” The other boy turned to look at him, wide eyed like he had been found with his hand in the cookie jar, and the static suddenly went away, changing to a local news channel. “Mark, are-are you ok?”
Mark snarled at the tv, before grabbing one of Cesar’s hands in both of his. “Cesar, promise me you’ll never go near one of those again. Please.” Cesar blinked, having to take it all in, a million questions forming in his head. Mark’s face was one of pure desperation and fear, a stark contrast to the calm, neutral expression he almost always wore. Mark was never scared of anything, unflappable even. Cesar doesn’t know why he was talking to the TV, let alone what would be enough to frighten someone like Mark, but he’s determined to give his best friend peace of mind. He nodded, placing his free hand over Mark’s. “I promise.”
Kids started going missing a week later.
——
Cesar never really noticed how strange Mark was. Sure, he could be a bit morbid at times and wasn’t quite as social or eager to fit in as the other kids their age, but that didn't mean he was a monster or something. If he was being honest, it was just one of the many things he admired greatly about him. Even if Cesar had forgotten how they had met, he knew his best friend had seen the best and worst parts of him, and accepted Cesar all the same. He was a good person. Which is why the comments of their peers were making his blood boil.
“Seriously Cesar, why do you bother hanging out with that freak?” A girl drawled, blond curls bouncing up and down with her movements, almost as if nodding in agreement. “He doesn't act like the rest of us, he's just creepy. He’s only going to drag you down with him, y’know. That’s all dead weight does, anyway.” “She’s right, people like Mark aren't going anywhere.” Another kid, a boy with black hair added. “Everyone knows you feel bad for him, and it’s great you want to make him feel like he can have friends, but you have to draw the line somewhere.” Cesar squeezed the pen so hard in his hand so hard that it was beginning to crack. “I don’t feel bad f-.” The black hair boy apparently decided to ignore this very obvious sign of Cesar about to lose his shit. “Come on, he's so fucking weird. You do realize he’s probably going to wind up killing som-.”
That would prove to be the final straw, as Cesar couldn’t hold himself back from punching the kid in the nose, seeing red and crimson covering his hand. Everyone gathered around in a circle, cheering and screaming as if they were watching the cage fight of a lifetime. Someone must have intervened and tore Cesar off the bastard, because the next thing he knew he was waiting to be let into the principal's office, knuckles wrapped in bandages and pressing an ice pack to a nasty bruise on his cheek. It was basically routine at this point, with the principal giving Cesar that same old robotic speech about solving his problems with words instead of violence that he heard a thousand times before, and Cesar would retort that if the principal really wanted him to stop fighting people, she should do something about the student body always ganging up on Mark because how’s what they’re doing any better? And she would sigh, clearly exhausted, and while Cesar would be given detention for the next week and yet another empty promise that something will be done about Mark and the other kids. He would never be kicked out though. Everyone knows a kid being punished for protecting his friend would only give the school a bad image.
“Sar?” Mark is cuddling with him on Cesar’s bed several hours later. “Your pulse started racing. You ok?” Cesar turned so that the two were now face to face, Mark looking soft and concerned, and Cesar could feel the frustration and anger melt away. He smiled and grabbed Mark’s hand, incredibly warm meeting icy cold. “Yeah, don’t worry about it Marcador.”
Fuck those kids. What did they know?
——
Cesar stretched, feeling his arms pop. It had finally been their senior prom, a night he had been looking forward to for years. He couldn’t say the same about Mark, who Cesar had more or less dragged to this event against his will, and had been complaining about his tie strangling him since they arrived, seeming more than happy to finally take it off, tossing that traitorous piece of blue fabric over his shoulder. “Ugh, thank fucking god! I felt like a Christmas ham.” Cesar rolled his eyes, draping an arm over Mark’s shoulders. “So you’ve said. Several times.” “Shut the hell up Torres.” Mark giggled, leaning into Cesar, a huge smile spreading across his face.
The sun had gone down hours ago, but the sky was still filled with all sorts of colors, and stars twinkled above them. It wasn’t too hot or too cold, crickets sang and street lamps were turning on, bathing the sidewalk in bright light. By all accounts, it was a perfect evening. Cesar had suggested cutting through part of the woods instead of walking the long way home, and Mark agreed, if only to get out of the rest of the suit faster.
The woods were incredibly dark, and Cesar would have been unnerved if he hadn’t crossed it thousands of times over the years. It was unnaturally quiet though, the sounds and light from the town outside had quickly faded out. It was still kind of peaceful, and Cesar found himself letting his guard down. Meanwhile, Mark seemed to be on edge, eyes darting this way and that. Cesar was just about to ask him what was wrong when something came lumbering out of the undergrowth. A little fox, bright orange with a white tipped tail. Cesar let out a happy squeal at the fluffy creature, while Mark sharply inhaled, shoving himself in front of Cesar. He was just about to ask what was wrong, but when he took a second, longer look, his expression morphed into one of horror.
The fox didn’t have a lower jaw and its eyes were gouged out.
It crept towards them closely, clearly preparing to pounce. Not that it actually got the chance, since Mark slammed a thick tree branch on its head. The fox stumbled around, seemingly in some sort of daze, and Mark took the opportunity to drag Cesar and sprinted away through the undergrowth. Cesar’s skin and clothes were being torn up by thorns and roots and rocks, but everything was happening too fast for him to even notice. They were almost out of the woods, he could see streetlights leaking through, almost like heavenly light. It was only then Cesar could hear something rapidly approaching them from behind, and Mark letting go of his hand, to grasp his shoulders.
“Cesar. I’ll take care of this. Do not stop running until you get to your house.” Cesar blinked. “What? Mark-.” The other boy shoved him towards the exit. “Now!” Despite not wanting Cesar not wanting to leave his best friend behind, self preservation took over, nearly tripping over rocks in his haste. That was until he heard Mark yelling. Yelling that turned into static. Cesar turned around to find that it wasn’t the fox attacking them anymore but a lanky black figure, looming over Mark and pinning him to the floor with one hand, the other slicing through his skin, dark liquid seeping into his clothes and into the dirt.
It loomed over Mark, an almost excited look in its eyes, until a rock hit the back of the alternate’s head. Another hit its chest. Cesar managed to hit it in the face for the second time before it leaped off of Mark towards him, and it was only then when Cesar realized he was all out of rocks. He was staring up into its blank wide eyes, frozen and unable to try to do something else. One hand grabbed the alternate by the side of its head, then the other. The alternate screeched and squirmed, scratching at the hands and even more liquid flowed, but Mark barely acknowledged his new wounds. If anything, his smile grew wider, too wide to be considered human, almost splitting his face in half. “I think I was way too nice last time, don’t you?” The alternate didn’t get a chance to answer, as Mark snapped its neck and the body fell limp, and was thrown on the floor.
Mark breathed heavily, staring over the body of his kill, before more rocks flew through the air and pelted him, and he could feel dark bruises begin to form on his face. “Huh?” Cesar let out a guttural yell, pinning Mark to the floor. “Cesar!” He didn’t respond, simply pulling back his fist and socking Mark in the jaw, again and again. “Cesar what the fuck!” Cesar’s fist shook, so he seemed to settle for grabbing Mark by his shirt. “What did you do to him?! Where is he?!” “What are you-?” “I saw the smile!” Cesar leaned over, and Mark could see the all too familiar rage in his eyes. He just thought he would never be on the receiving end of it. “Cesar it’s me!” Cesar’s expression wavered, but Mark could still feel his hands wrap around his neck. Yeah, time to try something else. “Hey do you remember when we played when we were kids? Your favorite toy-it was the dinosaur. I always had the race car, a blue one.” Cesar’s eyes went wide and he immediately let go of Mark like he burned him.
Mark picked himself up, only to see Cesar’s hands were shaking. “Sar-.” “You’re one of them?” One of them. He always was one of them. How fucking stupid did he have to be to think he could be anything else? Mark hung his head, too ashamed to look his best friend in the eyes. “…yeah.” “I don’t-I don’t understand. I’ve known you my whole life, I don’t-.” Mark leaned forward. “Do you remember how we met?” Cesar racked his brain, seemingly becoming distressed when he couldn’t recall. “That’s what I thought. Cesar, you created me. Well, you and-.” Mark paused, drawing two small circles for eyes and a mouth underneath it in the dirt. It looked vaguely familiar to Cesar. “-him. He had the material, and you molded me into what you wanted.”
Cesar looked more tired than anything else, and Mark was kicking himself for not telling him the truth earlier. “Let’s just-let me walk you home. You need to be patched up, and it’s gonna be a bad idea to hang around here.” Cesar stared at him for a moment, then wordlessly nodded and started heading in the direction of his home. Mark subconsciously reached for Cesar’s hand, and the other boy yanked it away.
The walk back was tense, even as they were bathed in the streetlights once again, and the atmosphere remained as Cesar patched himself up with the first aid kit, while Mark stood awkwardly nearby, unsure of what to say or what to do with himself. “Just uh..tell me what you need me to do, and I’ll do it.” Cesar sighed and dragged a hand down his face, the most exhausted he’d ever been. “I think I need you to be quiet.” Mark nodded, wringing his tattered clothes in his hands. “…ok.” Cesar ran his fingers through his hair and stood up. “I’m going to bed and actually try to process all of this. Feel free to take the couch or something, I don’t know.” Mark turned away, an even smaller ok coming out. Cesar fought down the urge to comfort him. Instead he went to his room, put a pillow over his face, and yelled into it as loud as he could.
——
Cesar kicked off the blankets with a frustrated huff. He had been tossing and turning all night, but sleep always seemed to evade him. He let out a sigh, flopping over to stare at the alarm clock for what seemed like the hundredth time. 3 am. God fucking dammit. He got out of bed, cringing when his feet met the cold floor and wrapping the warm blanket around himself to spare the rest of his body the same fate. Might as well get a glass of water. Had to be better than just lying here and waiting for sleep that would never come.
He slowly crept out of his room and towards the kitchen, mind slowly becoming more functional and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he got closer and closer to this destination. That was, until he noticed a blurry figure on his porch. He normally would have panicked, especially after the events from just a few hours earlier, but he could still see the tattered clothes from just a few hours before. Was Mark outside? It was freezing out there! He’s not human, the voice in his head added, he’s probably fine. It’s not your problem. But before Cesar could process the thought, he had already unlocked the front door and stepped outside.
“Mark?” Mark flinched, turning around to make eye contact with him. Cesar could see dried tear tracks on his face, but chose not to call attention to them. “…hey Cesar.” Maybe he was still exhausted and not thinking straight, but he sat next to the alternate. “You know you don't have to stay out here all night, right? I don’t want you…to freeze to death or anything.” Mark didn’t take his eyes off the road in front of them. “I just want to make sure it’s gone for good. Or it didn’t call for backups or something. Did not do all of that for it to come back for round 3.”
The silence was uncomfortable, and Cesar shifted in his spot, wincing when he spotted the dark blotches on the side of Mark’s face. “…sorry.” Mark looked confused but only for a moment, chuckling quietly when he realized. “Nah, don’t worry about it. It’ll be gone in a couple of hours. Honestly it means a lot you would beat the shit out of an Alternate for me.” “Why wouldn’t I?” Cesar scooted closer, and he could see Mark smile a little. “Are…are all Alternates like you?” “What do you mean?” “Like…” Cesar gestured aimlessly. “Soft and squishy and emotional.” Mark scoffed. “I’m not soft.” “Mark, you once cried because you saw a dog that was “too dang small”. Seriously though.” Mark shrugged. “Kinda? Like, it’s kinda rare, but it’s also more common than you think. We’re just made to mimic humans on the outside, but I have heard of Alternates being able to actually experience emotions if they have strong connections with humans.”
Cesar finally took his eyes off the front yard and looked at Mark. The other boy was curled up in a ball, shivered and had a tiny smile. Cesar’s eyes gazed down to his blanket, before tossing one part of it over Mark’s shoulders. He blinked, confused. “…Cesar-?” Cesar scooted closer, already feeling the cold air sting his skin. “C’mooooon you’re letting the warm ooouuuuutttt.” Mark laughed, wrapping his end of the blanket around him. Cesar sighed, resting his head on Mark’s shoulder. Despite all the revelations, Cesar found himself still trusting Mark. It might be a bad idea, but all that time they spend together, every vulnerable moment Mark was present for. Maybe he was an Alternate, but he was also his best friend, his little brother. Surely if he wanted to hurt him, he would have done something by now?
Suddenly, a thought occurred. “Mark..” “Yeah?” The other boy replied drowsily. “You only come to my house and you’ve never mentioned your’s, and you've been on your own so…have you been sleeping outside this whole time?!” Mark snapped up, rubbing the back of his neck and sheepishly chuckling. “Uhhhh…maybe?”
Cesar stood up and grabbed Mark by the hand, dragging him inside the house and into his room, and pushed Mark on to the bed before flopping on to it himself. Mark laughed, turning onto his side so he was looking at Cesar. “What’s that for?” “You’re staying here tonight. And we’re gonna talk to Momma tomorrow when she gets home. You’re gonna move in with us.” He could hear Mark let out a surprised squeak. “You don't gotta man. I’m fine right now. I don’t want to bother you or your mom. A-.” “Marcador, Momma adores you and you know it. We have a guest room that no one uses. It’ll be fine.” Mark smiled, sinking into the blankets, sleep overtaking him quickly. “Thanks Cesar.”
Cesar relaxed, feeling exhaustion spread over him like a warm blanket, pulling Mark close. Mark’s hair was just as fluffy as the day they met, and he could see the freckles that were scattered across his face. He still had his dress shirt on, the blue fabric torn, and Cesar made a mental note to lend Mark some of his clothes in the morning. He yawned, slowly and blissfully slipping into unconsciousness.
Yeah. It was all gonna be fine.
#the mandela catalogue#Mandela catalogue#tmc#mark heathcliff#tmc mark#cesar torres#tmc cesar#tmc stanley#my writing
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The Diary of a Modern-Day Superwoman: Unraveling the naked truth behind being thought of as a “so-great-of-a-being.”
Posted by: Russelyn Manglanlan
Have you ever experienced being praised by others because of how you can handle everything on your own?
Have you ever encountered people telling you, “Lies!” when you tell them that you are unprepared for any of your upcoming quizzes, exams, or projects to be submitted because they know you are, at least, one of the excellent people among the class?
Indeed, it feels good to be acknowledged. It feels good that others think of you that way, that you’re a person who will not mess anything up because you are born that way.
Yet, that’s all what they know about you.
They don’t see the pain, struggles, or the times when you just want to abandon everything. They don’t see the resentment you have for having numerous responsibilities in return of being “great.”
All they see are the fake smiles that you have to put on your lips just to hide everything away. Just so that you could keep yourself sane. Just so that you could pull yourself together even though you are a wreck and are already withering away inside.
But don’t worry, you are not alone in this kind of battle. I, myself, am like you. A college student who just has a lot of things on their plate, trying to balance everything because if not, then they might spill around and make a mess. See? We’re the same, aren't we?
And thus, I know your pain, and I see you.
To tell you the truth, it wasn’t always like this. Back in high school, I was a happy-go-lucky but not to the point that I was neglectful of the tasks I am supposed to do. It’s just that, I go to school late, every single day, and I sleep at school. Yes, I am the type of student who would always be reprimanded for my tardiness as well as for my inconsiderateness of my teachers who are giving their best to discuss things in front of us. It’s really ironic that I will become a teacher myself when I bring too much headache to my teachers before.
However, if there’s one thing that hasn’t changed that much from the past until today, it would be our financial instability.
I remember, both in junior and senior high school, I had to bring lunch because my pocket money can only buy me snacks. In addition, there’s a lot of things to pay; thus, I really had to live a thrifty life so that I could save enough money only to spend it on things such as materials for projects, and so on. Of course, it’s not always that we encounter misfortune since there are times as well that my mother is blessed with projects. Yet, in a year, that “blessing” would only last for at least 4-5 months and then we have to suffer all over again.
Unfortunately, our suffering worsened upon the start of the pandemic. My mother lost her job since she’s self-employed. She had no projects and I had to start earning for us. I had a part-time job in the past, under a US employer, but my contract was cut short. Due to that, I had to find another way to earn money again. It was a rough journey, but luckily, I found a way. After that, we were alright. I was able to bring food to our table. We were fine.
Yet, misfortune really won’t leave me alone and it took my only weapon away from me. My work declined after the reinstatement of face-to-face classes. Indeed, my mother’s work is back at it again, but it can’t provide us financial stability that fast. And now, we’re struggling again. I am struggling again.
It is just so hard to have a lot of responsibilities – as a student, a part-timer, a counselor in our student council, a daughter, a friend, and an auntie who needs to save her niece from her hell-like-life. I really do not know how I am able to manage to stay sane and alive from all the hurdles that I faced and am currently facing. I also cannot give some advice because I am a mess right now. I have nothing figured out.
Yet, the only thing I know is that all these things shall pass. It will be alright. You and I will be alright. We will be able to see through this and graduate college.
Just like Superwoman who saves the day, we, too, will be able to save OUR day.
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This Life (8/13) A question of principles
Book: Open Heart (book 1)
Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Casey Valentine
Warnings: ***trigger Warning- this series deals with addiction and abandonment- reader discretion advised****
Language, sexual references, mentions of character death
Rating: Mature
Summary: Ethan’s secret is exposed, Miami. These events make Ethan question more deeply some of his most deep seated principles.
Disclaimer: Characters, plot points and dialogues (actual and paraphrased) belong to Pixelberry.
🫀🧠🫀🧠🫀🧠🫀🧠🫀🧠
The competition was now happening. The only intern I care about is Casey and she nearly lost a patient. She tracks me down to give me an update. I tell her she is lucky that she has another chance. I then ask her if she will help me test out the FMRI machine. I did not know what questions to expect but when she asked me about attending/resident relationships, I told her that the attending is to teach and that any romantic entanglements is from neurochemical responses due to heightened stress and regular exposure. A part of me does, has to believe it if I am being honest with myself but there is something about Casey I know that is different, she could never be an arrangement like I had with Harper but long term, surely not. We finish up and we head back to work. I eventually get Naveen in and take his scans. I hear that Casey’s patient has a cacophony of things go wrong but handles the situation so much better. I congratulate her and leave. She hands me the scan and I can see she is curious. I say nothing. No one knows that I am treating Naveen and I need it to stay that way.
The competition is running. The other attendings give daily ratings and I post the ratings weekly and it is just giving me more work to do. Casey is improving weekly which I am pleased about but she is the only person I am caring about in this goddamn competition. Naveen has me worried. He is now in sepsis and Panacea have been researching new treatments but I am getting nowhere and it is frustrating. It is meaning having to go to the medical symposium. Already I am filled with dread. Declan Nash.I have managed to keep panacea out, and I want them out. Hopefully I can get what I need without compromising the team.
I thought he was doing a great job of not being discovered but I am wrong. I look up from Naveen and I see a shocked Casey. I go out and I ask her not to tell anyone. She tells me that if she wants me to keep it secret she needs to know fully what the secret is. I am torn. Can I trust anyone like this again but it appears I am left with little choice. I know I should not be inviting her over to my house but where to discuss this. It was the only place that I knew we would be truly alone. The time comes. The only thing that I am concerned about is whether I can keep it as professional as possible. The intercom buzzes and I let Casey in. My brain is a jumble of thoughts, Casey makes a comment about the view and all I do is quickly dismiss it by stating I am rarely here to enjoy it and hope that covers the thoughts of impropriety that are running through my mind. I offer her a glass of wine, and internally chastise myself. “You wanted this to be professional then what are you doing?”
Casey allows me be in control of the timing for the evening. I tell her how Naveen had become unwell and how at the beginning it appeared to be a seasonal illness until it was not. The forgetfulness, the body not doing what it should, kidney issues. When it got too hard to hide, he quit. I persuaded him to let me treat him in secret but I keep coming up empty. She puts her hand on my knee, I do not flinch but muster all the will power to not take it further. We discuss the case, as the evening goes on I feel lighter, unburdened. She assures me I am no longer alone in this. She leaves. I switch to scotch. “I am no longer alone.” The phrase hits me. I know that she is talking about the secret of me treating Naveen but given the death of Delores, everything with Naveen and the changed dynamic with Harper, I had never felt more alone. Then my thoughts go to her hand on my knee and my lack of removing it. Am I that starved for physical touch? Then my mind goes to our interactions. Could I be getting feelings for her of more than professional? No, I tell myself. It is just a neurochemical response from heightened stress I tell myself. Then I remember the tingle in my arm on that first day and I knew that there was no way that was neurochemical. My thoughts then go to our roles and how much of a hypocrite I am. I ended the arrangement with Harper as she was now my superior but here I was entertaining the thought of a relationship with a subordinate. All I knew is that I had someone to help with Naveen and someone who appeared to be someone I could trust. I head to bed, I then masturbate to the thoughts of what I wanted to do to Casey. I wait for the regret and cycle of self loathing but tonight it does not come, tonight there is a feeling of peace and I have the best night sleep I have had in a long time.
A few days later I see Casey. She said it felt good to do what it takes. I also know that she has kept my secret about treating Naveen. Which is of great relief but also comforting knowing that I am not alone anymore. I squeeze her arm affectionately, congratulating her on her win but also for keeping my secret. It was a gesture of appreciation on the surface but I knew it had a deeper meaning and then I spotted Harper. She had to have seen it and I was proved right a mere hour later when she confronted me about my feelings for Dr Valentine. I deny it, even though I know I am lying. There are feelings that I am denying but I have too. In a bid to prove Harper wrong I assign Casey a challenging patient. She is affronted and I do not blame her, the accusation that I was punishing her for knowing about Naveen hurt but I did not want to tell her I was proving a point that I was not favouring her in any way. To my relief she figures out the situation with Mr Platt. I tear him a new one when Casey figures it out. The disrespect he showed Casey and myself was not called for. I was glad that she did not give up despite wanting too and I hoped it showed her that all our patients no matter how rude deserved our due diligence.
The competition goes on. I swear the interns get more and more rabid each week and each week Casey is improving. I try to keep the work she is doing with me in secret out of the competition standings but I can tell that the secret patient is helping her with all her others and her professional confidence is sky high. I can tell Naveen is enjoying the extra company also. He is getting a knowing glint in his eye however. I ignore it. My mind does drift to getting Casey to go with me to the conference in Miami. I still had not heard and I was hoping someone who was not me would be able to get the information I wanted. I was also reluctant to leave Naveen but I had to do this. The results for the week were due the day before I flew out. I was hoping Casey would be number one but even if she was not, she certainly was the most improved intern and surely that needed rewarding. The results are out and Casey is on top, I am proud of her and relieved. I know she has worked hard within the hospital and deserved it. I then announce that Casey will be coming with me to the conference. Harper is shocked and annoyed. I then state that it will give Casey good insight into the industry and also it would be easier if I took her then hiring an assistant for the duration. The reality though starts to sink in. We have enjoyed a great working relationship which has translated into her results of late but the line is blurring and the feelings I have are getting harder to ignore, no matter how much I tell myself I am imagining them or that she is my subordinate. I know it will be a test of my fortitude, one that I have to pass if I am to continue to be a good mentor to her.
Conference time and it does not take long for people to want me. I send Casey to get us checked in and I am shocked that we have one room. We have to make it work. I tell her I will happily take the couch. I then feel bad for using her to get the information I want as we head to the floor and I can see the disappointment when she questions me if she is truly the top intern. I tell her it is genuine, I would have come up with another reason for her to come. She thankfully agrees but state she is only doing this for Naveen. I stay out of sight but close to hear what is happening. It frustrates me that Declan cottoned onto me being involved but I am not surprised. Casey is apologetic but I do not blame her. It is not her fault that Declan still holds a grudge against me for embarrassing him in public. We head to our suite. Instead of celebrating we would be commiserating. After shoving all thoughts of impropriety deep they head to the reception. We part ways early. Something I am thankful for. I engage some of the doctors in some insipid small talk. I eventually find my way to a poker table and I do not know what to feel seeing Casey there. I can see she is making a play for the information but I can see her struggle to come up with some terms. I refuse to let her sacrifice herself for the cause so I step in to take Casey’s place. I know I will regret this but I offer Declan what he has always wanted. The right to conduct medical research on developmental drugs and using the team as a vehicle in that. The game is tense and I have 4 kings, a hand that I know is a winning one but do I lie and say he is winning? He said he would give me the information but me besting him so publicly would make it difficult to get what I require. I decided lying is the risk I need to take and it paid off. He was looking smug but gave me what I wanted. I knew I had a panacea sized problem I needed to solve and I knew that if Naveen found out I would not hear the end of it but he was worth it. We head back to the room and the balcony. The beverages we had at the reception and the bottle of wine I ordered were lowering my inhibitions and god Casey was looking more gorgeous than ever. Before I know it I am kissing Casey and she reciprocates. We stay at the railing and continue, my hands could not get enough of her and her breast was more supple than I ever imagined. She heads into the bed and I follow. All the thoughts of what I wanted to do to her running wild but then the cycle of reasons not to kick in as I crossed the threshold. I do badly want to ignore it but I know I could not go back to being just an intern and attending if I continued. Casey is hurt and I do not blame her but I can not be responsible for ruining her career before it begins. She is hurt and so am I. After she has gone to bed I have a shower, even an icy cold blast does not kill my erection. The session is intense and the guilt and self loathing returns.
To say things are awkward is an understatement. Even Naveen has picked up on the change of dynamics. Neither of us tell him what happened or didn’t happen in Miami but something tells me he somehow knows just by looking at us. The sepsis treatment appears to be working but then he coughs up blood and we have to do some lab work. Casey confronts me about us. She wishes I stop lying to myself. I know I am but I have too. I know she is being the subject of malicious gossip and sabotage but I can not pursue what I want with her. If I do, the rumours will be worse, given her position in the competition. I know the achievements are hers and hers alone. We continue to work but it is hard.
I am dirty with myself for Casey and now for getting Panacea into the hospital. The deal with the devil was necessary but now their appeared to be no way out. I witness something that did not look right and it involved Casey. She assures me that everything is fine and I do not need to worry. I do, however.
I do not give it a second thought until we all hear that our long time patient Mrs Martinez died in Argentina and that the family are bringing the body back for a full autopsy. She tracks me down in the cafeteria. She tells me everything. On one level I was proud of her but also saddened as she could potentially be throwing away all that she worked hard for. I take her to the opera. I am awaiting some test results for Naveen but it appears I am not getting them tonight. I narrate the opera for her. I can see that she sees the same parallels I see. I upturn my hand to meet hers and our fingers intertwine. I chastise myself briefly, but her hand in mine just feels so right. The opera ends and she is emotional. She kisses me. I kiss back and pull away. “Us, it is complicated.” I knew I was lying, us could not happen, it is unethical, she is my subordinate and winning the competition, a relationship with me would tarnish all that she has worked for and she did not deserve that.
“Well for me it is not.” I should rebuke her but I want to kiss her again one last time. So that is what I do. The house lights come on and we break the kiss. We go our separate ways home. I know if I took her we would end up at mine and as much as I wanted her up against my windows writhing in sheer ecstasy, it could and would not happen. Instead I drink to stop the thought. Naveen is getting worse, Delores and if an investigation is called for what happened with Mrs Martinez I know Casey could end up gone. The common thread is me. I am a poisoned chalice, I know Delores decided to wait with the baby but I was still involved, Naveen dying and Casey. Then I look back on all the relationships that I have cared about with someone, Estelle, Tobias, Harper, Naveen, Delores, Casey, Louise. They all have one thing in common.Me. In that moment I am alone, more alone than when I was when Louise walked out, it is now that I concede that I am unworthy, unloveable and as much as it was painful, that I was better off alone. I scream then cry and fall into a troubled sleep, the images of a torn Casey taunting me in my dreams.
The next day comes and my worst suspicions with Casey and Naveen are confirmed. The latest round of tests show that Naveen only has a month to live. I know he will not want to stay and I could not feel like any more than a failure. Casey is also being investigated, well the whole group but I know she will be hard pushed for anything fair, given how much of the ethics committee is in the back pocket of Panacea and Declan.
The test results shake me a lot, I know Casey needs me as her mentor but I have failed her too and she does not need to be tarnished by any association with me so I do what I do best and shut her out.
I put off telling Naveen but I know I have too. Casey tracks me down and comes with me. It is harrowing but somehow it is easier with her there. I give Naveen the news. He is not disappointed in me, he knows I gave it my all. It does not make me feel better. He does what I knew he would do and leaves. Me and Casey see him out. Everyone he sees is surprised to see him. We make our way out front. He says goodbye to myself first, giving me a big hug and bids farewell to Casey. We watch him catch the bus. Casey kisses me softly. I return the kiss and kiss down her neck into I burrow my face into the crook of her neck. At that moment I knew what I would do next. We separate and head in. Harper sees us and raises an eyebrow and then asks if it was true about Naveen. I say “He is gone and so am I” as I rip my badge off and hand it to her. Harper is shocked and Casey runs after me and tries to block my exit. She sais she needs me, as well as others but I tell her I am not the doctor she thinks I am. I am holding back tears at this point, I shake my head, let go of her hand and leave. I know I was cruel to her but I was right, she deserved better than me, in every sense of the word.
Authors note: this was hard as I have covered some of this are from Ethan and Casey and trying not to repeat myself too much. Same with the next few chapters to an extent. For those who have read this far thank you
Tagging: @jerzwriter @jamespotterthefirst @genevievemd @liaromancewriter @potionsprefect @tessa-liam @cariantha @binny1985 @schnitzelbutterfingers @a-crepusculo @bex-la-get @crazy-loca-blog
@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics
#open heart#ethan ramsey#choices fanfic writers creations#fotw#this life#book 1#casey valentine#naveen banerji#choices#oph fanfiction
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Hello dearest!!!! 💗 CONGRATULATIONS ON 900 FOLLOWERS! This is such a great thing honestly, I am so happy for you!
I was wondering if I could request a grishaverse/Harry Potter (it's up to you) romantic match pretty please? So I'm gonna hop on and tell you a bit about myself ;) I'm a 5'5 girl with blonde curly shoulder length hair. I have a beauty mark right on top of my right eyebrow and usually wear eyeliner. I'm really feminine and wear a lot of jewelry and bracelets and earrings. My pronouns are she/her, I'm straight and my mbti is Enfj. I'm that happy go lucky, extroverted, full of laughter sunshine person that makes friends with everybody. I love to make others happy and help as much as I can if I can. I get attached easily and love hugs and physical affection. I'm love reading, my favourite books are Tender is the Night, The great Gatsby and the entirety of ya fantasy be it Holly Black, Sarah J Maas, Leigh Bardugo or Cassandra Clare. Favourite movie of all times is Pride and Prejudice, with second best being How to lose a guy in 10 days. If it didn't show, I'm an incurable romantic. Favourite book tropes are friends to lovers and probably the "who did this to you" trope. Also the whole fated mates 👀 I'm a sucker for it. I'm an artist, I want to become an Illustrator and illustrate children's books, possibly do art therapy and work with children. I also love dancing and singing, even tho I am a terrible singer it brings me so much joy. I love sweets and baking, and volunteering. Beside this, I honestly have absolutely no idea what else to tell you, so yeah. Nice to meet you 😂💗
Hope you have a wonderful day, and I send you hugs! Stay hidrated and happy! 💗
hi!
thank you for participating :)
so i’m gonna go with just one fandom to do the full description and blurb thing. but i’ll tell you who i ship you with from both! and whichever one i think you’re a better fit for, i’ll do the full thing for. also, i wasn’t sure if you meant lightning era or marauders era, so i gave you one from both.
i ship you with jesper, fred, and james!
i’m gonna with jesper for this, tho, hope that’s alright :)
jesper would love how outgoing you are. he needs someone who can match his energy, and make him smile. you’d light up any room you walk in, and he’d be absolutely head over heels for you. inej would tease him about it. he’s normally so confident and flirtatious, but you make him weak in the knees. it’s a good look on him, and even though inej loves to tease, she also loves how happy you make him when he’s around you.
jesper is also quite a physically affectionate person. he’d love that you are too, always wanting to have a hand on your waist, or your hand resting on his arm. in crowds, he’d have an arm slung around your shoulder, keeping you close. you’d get more hugs you’ve ever had in your life with him, spending half your day smooshed into his chest. it would annoy kaz to no end with the amount of pda you too displayed, but he secretly liked you too. you’d keep jesper’s head on straight, which would help him focus on jobs. kaz would have to thank you one day for putting up with jesper so he didn’t have to. babysitting isn’t his forte.
i don’t think jesper is much of a reader. he prefers to live out adventures, rather than read about them. but he’d love listening to you ramble on about whatever book you were reading, smiling at how your face lit up when you talked about it. kaz would make it a point to leave a new book in your room every once in a while, as payment for keeping up with jesper and making him happy every day.
i think jesper is a hopeless romantic. he can’t help it. he just loves love. and while i don’t think he reads much himself, he’d definitely pay attention to some cheesy poetry to dramatically recite to you as a way to declare his love. kaz would call it nauseating, but get a kick out of it too. jesper would definitely support any artistic ambition you have. he’d do his best to make sure you succeeded, always praising your work. he may live a life of crime and be content with that, but he wants the best for you. and your passion for making other people happy would inspire him.
he’d come to you with ideas for your illustrations, being the biggest supporter of your work. “i had a dream about it, darling. i think it would really work for a story.”
you’d laugh, walking with him back to the crow club. “jesper, the book is for children. i cant put a gunfight in a children’s book, can i?”
he’d sling an arm around your shoulder, pulling you into him. he’d press a kiss to the top of your head, smiling to himself.
“you’ve got me there. i’m keeping the idea, though. for when you’re big and famous, and you’ve written about all our adventures in the barrel. you and me, kaz and inej. i’m expecting credit, though. cant have you forgetting me when you’ve got kruge lining your pockets.”
“id never forget you, love. besides, as if kaz would pass up on an opportunity for kruge. he wouldn’t let me forget that outstanding tab you’ve got going with him. i expect your share of the profits won’t even make a dent in what you owe him.”
“that’s alright,” he’d chuckle, guiding you back to the crow club. “i’ll just have to dip into some of yours. it’s only fair. it was my dream, after all.”
you’d playfully roll your eyes, tugging him along with you. “you’re dreaming, jes.”
—
hi again! i hope you enjoyed this :)
#jesper fahey#grishaverse#shadow and bone#six of crows#900 followers celebration#900 followers#followers celebration
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Gorillas, Orchids, and Programming
It’s that Time
In the last two weeks I’ve bought a couple of orchids and let me tell ya going from lucky bamboo to whole ass flowering plants is sure a doozy. Hardy or not, I haven’t gotten the hang of these fellas yet and they’re currently not doing so well.
I hope they live! I don’t have a green thumb though certainly.
Small gardening woes aside though I’d been trying to learn Java on my own and so far it’s going very slow. I’ve been on the self taught route with the math and now this since January and I feel pretty stressed about it and am starting to pitter out but, I feel like if I stop then I’m going to lose my momentum. One’a those kinda feelings. Plus the justification even if it might not be good is that ‘how am I going to handle a stressful workload when I’m in/out of college and or have a job?’
Not that I haven’t done it before... But I suppose the only point of reference I have is my old job and the thought of being stuck in that kind of position forever makes me physically ill.
I guess the motivation may be fear and some spite at this point but more fear than anything else. I at least enjoy the fact that I’m learning I’m not stupid at least. ...Not with math and programming anyway. The brain just needs to rearrange and get used to it is all.
Lately too I’m not really satisfied with any of my hobbies, I feel like I’m always wasting my time when I could be pushing myself to do more, but I know that’s a big mistake waiting to happen and like I’ve discussed with friends... It’s probably not a good idea to keep pushing myself this hard. The difficult part about that is me battling thoughts of “now you’re just being lazy”. Specially with the folks hammering down occasionally. Less mom, more dad. But he’s just that way. No one’s going to be givin’ me grief when I’m bringin’ in the bucks so I just have to bide my time until then.
...It’s just working to get to that point is what’s so difficult. The delayed gratification. It’s very hard when I don’t get rewards or tangible marks of success to keep me going.
A lotta folk have been busy over the spring, which is great! Like man, I wish I could pay attention to IRL and put more emphasis on that. But really I just wanna sit and play games and stuff like before :( Typing that sounded extremely childish to me but I don’t know any other way to describe it. I guess being in la la land all the time is a bad habit of mine. Or it’s turned into one.
Not to mention my mood swings and I guess ‘pseudo manic phases’ make it very difficult for me to enjoy one thing for a very long or substantial time.
My brain’s a mess, I dunno how to cope with getting adult life settled or worked on lol. It just takes time. Logically I know this but haha, feels wise? Ahhhhhhhh. Just one day at a time... I really shouldn’t expect so much from myself in that I worked a shitty job for like 5 years and now I’m spring boarding into a new career. It’s not going to be instant. Still scared that I’m wasting my time and what have you but, I don’t see any other alternative at this point. Want to cope with my comfort activities but sadly those have a social aspect to them, and I will just have to be patient. I feel extremely selfish in that I guess a lot of those activities and games were things that got me through the day. But they became a crutch, now I’m stumbling when I really need to work on learning how to walk. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it... I kind of have to.
Again I could go round and round repeating myself but if anyone’s read the past entries of this series then they have a fair idea of how I am already. I just like to complain rhetorically. I’ve already over-analyzed everything 20 times over, believe me. I know what to do/what I should be doing but I don’t feel that way. Etc etc etc...
In the meantime... I reeaallly really want to fix up these orchids... That’s what’s bothering me the most right now. I don’t wanna kill them by being a dumdum regarding plants ;-;
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Warning : Venting ! Not my usual happy go lucky post. Because I have been feeling everything but that. Might be a trigger for some ???
To the people who are going to think jeeezzz why would you write this. Keep scrolling. This is my page.
*****************************************************
Well the last few weeks have been insane and not in a good way.
September 12th
Yes two weeks vacation. Wich means no work for two whole weeks. I was looking forward to that. Because it has been crazy busy lately.
Celebrated my mom's birthday on the 14th.
And then September 18th came. I am at my parents place ready to go to my sister's for my nephews birthday. He turned 9 this year.
Suddenly I do not feel good. My heart is beating like crazy. Blood pressure though the roof. Feeling like crap.
So we call the docterspost. Appointment made.
Sitting in the waiting room with my mom. Anxious as fuck. Trying to keep my cool. Wich some how works.
Doctor checks. Blood pressure is still high. He listens to my heart and longs. But they are fine. Heartbeat had gone down. Was a 104 when I was at my parents and now 76.
He tells me to make an appointment to get my blood drawn and and take a urine sample to my regular doctor. Says to check my blood pressure daily. So I get a blood pressure meter. Wich will be delivered later in the week.
I still go to my nephews birthday. Feeling better then I did
Next day appointment made for getting my blood drawn the next day. And I have to bring a urine sample. Made an other appointment for that Friday for the results.
Blood pressure meter arrives. 3 days of measurements. In the mean time I am not sleeping very well. The rapid beating of my heart from the other day still in my head.
One silver lining no calls about the blood and urine results. And no news means good news in my book.
Cut to Friday. At the docters. First thing he does is take my blood pressure. I fully expected it to be high. Thinking I have what we call here white coat blood pressure. This when normally your blood pressure is fine but as soon as you see a doctor it goes up.
But no bloodpressure and heartbeat are fine.
So I tell him what's going on. What has been going through my head al week. I did to much at work. I said yes one time to many. Ignored signs from my body telling me to slow down. I even got pissed off at the person that makes the work schedules. The last one was an outburst as a result of me feeling she wasn't doing her job.
And I just felt exhausted. Mentally and Physically. Bursting out in tears for no reason what so ever.
And then my doctor asks me what do you want do.
I simply say
"I don't want to do anything."
He looks at me and says
"Ok , then that is what you are going to do."
Sense of relief washes over me. Now the only thing I have to do is contact my boss. Because it's the last Friday of my vacation and I was supposed to back to work on Monday the 26th.
I send her message what's going on. Telling her I can't talk on the phone because it's to emotional for me. And I tell to take me out of the roster for at least the upcoming two weeks.
She sends me a text saying that she is shocked to hear this. But she will do just that and asks if we can talk after the weekend.
And the weekend hits. The knowledge that I do not have to work the upcoming two weeks has brought some relief. But I can tell I am carrying a lot of tension with me. And still somewhat anxious and emotional.
Sunday comes a round and my mom's calls. She tells me she doesn't have great news. And she mentions the name of my sister father in law. And that he has passed away. I am in shock because this is so sudden. Only a week before we where celebrating his grandson's birthday and now he is gone.
The cause heartattack.
The arrangements for the service fall on my sister's shoulder. I want to help but can't. Which sucks.
Last Sunday we got a change to say goodbye. I made my parents go first. And only if he was looking peacefully I would look myself. And that he was. He has small smile on his face. And then on Monday the service. He is being cremated.
A beautiful goodbye it was. My sister spoke. Read a little poem that she had written. She is so strong. I and eventhough it's a sad situation I am proud. Proud of her and her husband. And proud of my nephew. Who kind of knows what's going on but not really. Hasn't asked any questions that I know off. Did tell his fellow classmates at school that opa / grandpa passed away. And when he got see his grandpa for the first time in the casket that was open he was watching from a distance. By the time the service came around he was standing next to it.
Like I said he does not ask. Does not talk about it. But he will come with it on his own.
And then yesterday came. My second appointment with my doctor. Blood pressure again was good.
I told him that I am still tired. That last week I did the dishes and afterwards some laundry and after that my battery was empty.
I am overworked. Dare I say it I have a burn out.
I have to discuss my work situation with my boss and what we call the company doctor. Because my regular doctor has no idea what my work looks like.
So I make a new appointment for two weeks from now. To keep track of my bloodpressure.
I contact my boss. Tell that in the state I am in I can't work. When I tell how , what and when she agrees.
She will set up a meeting with de company doctor. He or she will most likely not have me go back to work fully. Perhaps 2 times a week an hour. That will be more like a visit. But we'll see when I get there.
She has taken me out of the roster for next week. Again some sense of relief.
But during the night I am not able to sleep properly. My heart slightly rapidly beating. But I am able to calm down with meditation and breathing.
My mind is playing tricks tho. I sleep lightly and everytime I feel myself falling deeper into sleep a muscle in my breast clenches. It's not my heart because it's beating steadily. And I am breathing fine. But still it sucks. And I am contemplating of calling the doctor and asks to check just to be sure.
Aah fuck no I am going to call. Maybe it is my mind playing tricks. And I fully think it's my body that is still in full tension and it's my anxienty. The last one sucks by the way. Never in my live have a felt that way.
I want everything go back to normal. I want to be better then I was before. I want to go to work. I want to do so much.
I hate feeling like this. I hate the fact that I am not able to the things that could do so easily. I hate feeling not like myself.
And in order to feel like myself again. I have to take it easy. Manage my energy. Accept that, for now, this is it. I can only do what I can. And if can't then I won't and the only thing I can do is rest.
Biggest lesson I have learned or actually I am still learning.
Listen to your body and put yourself first.
Keep in mind people.
Take care of yourself first and then take care of other's
You are your number one priority
Thank you for reading my ramble. I will keep you updated as I go.
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HR Wells (Flash) - Chapter 4
The heart to heart with HR has given you confidence you need to do something you should have from the moment you’d gotten away from Eobard. Confide in your friends. Now with them all standing in the cortex, you take a seat.
“I asked you guys to come because I..” You need to gather your thoughts.
“I want to tell you what happened. “ They all seem to know exactly what it is you mean.
“Dr. We…Eoabrd.” You correct yourself.
“He took me because he was…he..he said that he’d gained feelings for me.” Barry doesn’t see that coming.
“Before it all happened, I did care about him. Well I guess I cared about the man I thought he was. He thought that if I was away from you all that he could influence me, persuade me to switch sides. He wanted me to betray you all and be with him.” You’re messing with your fingers, it’s the only distraction you have.
“I refused and so he drove his hand into my gut.”
You press a hand to your stomach. Barry takes a step, but you raise your head, shaking it. You need to get this out. Because there’s a chance you’d never have the courage to do this again.
"He thought I was dead, and I pretended to be. Held on for as long as I could. We weren’t that far from a town, so the second I realized he wasn’t coming back, I dragged myself to the window and left a message there. I couldn’t make it outside. I was lucky enough that the building I was in was somewhere high schoolers like to mess around in. Someone found me. I survived, but even if I didn’t I just…I wanted you guys to know…” You sob, and it pulls at Barry’s heart. Caitlin puts a hand over her lips to stop them from quivering.
“I-I wanted you to know that I would never..would never…” Barry rushed forward, pulling you into his arms and you cried. Harry and the others watch as you practically bawl your eyes out.
“We know.” Barry responds.
“We know.” You bury your face in his chest, for once not worried about how strong you looked.
The events of that day have laid heavy on everyone’s heart.
“Knock knock.” You smile as HR enters the speed lab. You’re sitting at the stairs.
“You know if you knock you don’t have to say the words. “
“Where’s the fun in that?” He starts strumming his drum sticks against the railing. You lean forward, enjoying the crazy personality that is HR Wells.
“So I was thinking, since you’re super swift and fighty, how about you teach me a couple moves.” He swings the sticks in his hand, right before he tucks it into his pocket.
“You want to learn to fight?”
“Sure. The lab is always under attack. What’s one more warrior am I right?” He does little air punches, and you chuckle.
“I guess I could start training you, but you need to be focused HR. No messing around. “
“When have I ever messed around?” You quirk an eyebrow.
“Point taken, see you bright and early tomorrow!” He’s dashing off, and you laugh.
“He's such a child.”
It’s a refreshing change, especially now. Maybe HR is what you need to trust again. Not just your friends, but yourself. Harry is the one that strolls through the entrance.
“Why was that moron in such a hurry?”
“He wants to learn how to fight.” You reply.
“Great, now we’ll have to HR proof everything. He’s like a walking bomb.” Harry’s annoyance is fun to watch sometimes. You lean back, letting out a breath. Harry’s eyes settle on you.
“I know why you became a bounty hunter.” You tune back in, eyes shifting to him.
“It made sense. Eobard took that power from you.” Now, you can’t seem to look at him. Leave it to Harry to figure it out.
“Barry's never told me what you were like before, nor has Cisco, but I saw a video. One with the four of you. I saw a side of you I’d never seen before. When he took you that day you changed, and it made you tough. You picked that job because you wanted to catch criminals and help people, the way you had hoped someone would have helped you when he took you. “
Harry sees the tears that are now running down your cheeks, and you don’t wipe them away. You’d spent too many days keeping it all inside. Pretending that you were okay. That he hadn’t left something broken inside you all those years ago.
“He took away the innocence and faith I had. I couldn’t see the good in anyone for so long. I couldn’t date or bond with anyone because I kept waiting for that other shoe to drop. I’ve been trapped in that time. “
“You aren’t anymore.”
You want to believe it, you really do. When Harry takes a seat next to you, he pulls you into his side.
“You’re one of the few people I can tolerate on this earth. Hell will freeze over before I let something happen to you.” You lean your head on his shoulder with a smile.
“Thank you Harry.”
“Of course.”
The silence settles, and you begin to relax, but the rumbling of a stomach catches your attention.
“Big belly burger?” You suggest with a laugh. Harry tries to play off his embarrassment.
“Thought you’d never ask, let's go.” You’re laughing the entire way out.
#harrywells#family#eobard thawne#speedsters#powers#metahumans#bountyhunter#care#iris west#Barry Allen#cute#humor#cisco ramon#new beginnings#HRxreader#starlabs#eobard x reader#understanding
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