Tumgik
#i just want someone to be terrified of losing me
ratioaven · 1 day
Text
spoilers for 2.1 !!!!!!!
aventurine rant, please keep in my mind that these are my own thoughts and interpretations. im extremely sleep deprived lol so im sorry if i got anything wrong
something thats been on my mind since yesterday are these lines.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
from the start to me, it was very clear aventurine had self esteem/worth issues because of how he treats his own life, but the line that says “the other hand is below the table, clutching your chips for dear life” stuck out to me.
i always assumed aventurine was so incredibly confident in his luck but in reality he is afraid. he’s terrified that he’ll lose. it’s an act. he convinces himself, he fools himself, he forces himself to act like he’s confident he’ll win, when in reality even if he does win, he’s still clutching his chips under the table for dear life because of how terrified he is of losing.
that really messed with me to be honest. i feel tricked and what’s ironic is that he tricks his opponents into thinking he’s confident, and he also tricked ME the player but really, this made my heart break in two because i had absolutely no clue up until now.
so why does he act this way
Tumblr media
all throughout his life, aventurine has had his pride stripped away. just try to imagine being in his shoes. i myself do not think i could deal with the situations he was put in. i cannot stress this enough, aventurine has a mark on his neck that screams to him that he has once belonged to someone. he has had his pride stripped away from him countless times. but it’s ironic because aventurine is introduced as a very prideful and flashy man. you start to realize the front aventurine puts on is his own way of protecting himself. it’s how he’s able to live basically. i wanna go into more detail but i will later.
as it was said before, aventurine is an uptight person who worries. he is extremely afraid of losing and he has a massive inferiority complex. aventurine may seem like a go lucky person on the outside, but in actuality he is not. he is not happy. he has no self worth, he believes he has nothing to live for, and he has no problem with throwing his life away. aventurine believes the only good thing he brings to the table is his luck.
but this brings me to my next point.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
aventurine may not realize it, but he is so much more than his luck. he has so many good qualities and he doesn’t seem to realize it. even if some of it may be an act, he’s still able to pull it off. he’s still an intelligent business man who is both charming and cunning EVEN if it may be an act, those are still amazing qualities to have in his line of work.
but more importantly, aventurine chose to live. despite witnessing his family die, being a slave, and tortured, he chose to live. he chooses to. i cannot stress this enough. this man has gone through hell and back. he truly has had an incredibly difficult life to the point where my heart hurts so so badly for him. he made the decision to stay alive.
that says more than enough about his character.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
and last but not least, aventurine wants one thing, and that is to be with his family. he’s witnessed horrible things in his life that no one should ever go through. he lost everyone close to him, he lost his people. he has nothing to live for and he values his life so little to the point where he has no problem with dying. the only real thing that he wants is just to see his family.
and he will one day, but in the meantime, i genuinely hope this man can find a reason to live, and ratio already gave him one just by that note. i just truly wish aventurine happiness while he lives the rest of his life.
i guess this is a topic that really hits me hard because i know all too well that choosing to live life isn’t easy sometimes and i just love aventurine.
let’s all appreciate how truly amazing his character is.
277 notes · View notes
allastoredeer · 2 days
Note
Hello I had this dream last night and I need to share it with you!!!
We know the whole crew is invited to the Cannibal Cookout for the weekend.
So I imagine Al is gonna let cameras take pictures of him and Lucifer, that way the headline of his relationship with the king of hell will reach the seven pentagram faster(it was showed that he can take pictures when he wants to, since vox kept one). But that also mean he is gonna be exposed for the first time in probably forever. Like he is known for his terrifying radio podcast, which means that not many ppl know about his true form, especially new born sinners. So I can only imagine the surprise of those people to see the radio demon , the scariest overlord of them all, being a cute deer with a a fluffy tail and all the package that comes with it. Also Alastor mentioned to Lucy to ‘Wear your Sunday best.”, which might imply that he is gonna wear something nice as well…
It would be hilarious if Half of hell will start simping for Alastor and downright ignoring Lucifer.
I can imagine the internet exploding with Alastor pictures and people going like 'aww his ears are moving’ or something, sinners go as far as make fan club about him, meanwhile a certain picture box is having a mental breakdown…
~Valentino: “u know u can just say it that u want him”
~Vox: “Alright alright fuck yea I do and so Does half of hell. God damn it”
Meanwhile Angel reading through the chaos Alastor just unleashed
“oh he is so stealing my job already”
Lmao
OFC In all of this Al is completely oblivious about the situation he caused, so the crew tries to keep him out the flow, to not freak him out, which it’s not hard at all, since the dude doesn’t have a phone, but he does get a bit suspicious when Lucifer makes him wear something to cover his upper body, almost as far as making him wear an hat and glasses lol(I don’t see Lucifer as being who enjoys losing himself on new trends and gossip on the internet, so Angel probably showed him a innocent picture of them, but Lucy made the bad choice to go read through the comments. Nonetheless to say he was scarred for life, and decided to take it upon himself to protect Alastor’s privacy)
Also Alastor can probably sense when someone takes pictures of him, twitching his eyes and tail but otherwise leaves it be for the sake of maintaining the charade.
This was it ehehe, I kinda felt bad I woke up from that dream, I honestly wanted to know how it ended.
Either way I can’t wait to see how u are planning to go with it. Cause I just know u are gonna make me love every second of it😆👌
thank you for listening
Ps I wrote this at 5 in the morning a week ago, and I am not sure if I already sent it to u or my mind is playing tricks to me…so I am sorry if u already got the message.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Heheheheh I love this! You have the BEST dreams. I'm so in love with most of Hell not knowing Alastor, or not really remembering what he looked like, since he's been gone (and Hell is expanding by the thousands every day, so of course there would be people who don't know him).
And so they see him for the first time and it's such a stark difference to what they were expecting XD He's developing a fan-base and Lucifer has to scare them all of (otherwise Alastor WILL murder. He will).
And no worries! I did get the ask from earlier! Sometimes, if it takes me a long time to get to an ask, that's because I want to draw some doodles for it like the pics above ^.^
148 notes · View notes
dsireland86 · 2 days
Text
Take Me First
Tumblr media
Tags: @lma1986 @somewhere-diamond @missduffsblog @myownthoughts12 @concrete09 @glitterydeputyshepherdwagon @shilohrosechicken @jilliemiw86
They had a fight. He made a stupid choice that she just couldn't accept, so she left, never knowing it would probably be the last time they would see each other. Now, Noah is left to face the consequences of his actions; consequences that weren't supposed to affect her. He's broken and terrified life will never be the same again. If only God would take him first, then maybe he could be at peace.
“I wanna be someone you used to hate without the memory of the pain, but I went too far and now we can't restart. It's like we cut the breaks, tore ‘em off the car ninety miles inside the dark familiar scars, and electric hearts”
“Why! Why would you! How could you? What did she give you that I don't, Noah?” She screams at me, tears running down her face, the pain I caused her destroying every good memory of me she has. I couldn't believe I pushed her this far; that I pushed us to this point in our relationship. I couldn't give her the answer she wanted because the truth was I didn't have one. I fucked up. Bad. I fucked someone else, in our bed, when she was away at her parents. Granted I was drunk, but that was an excuse at all. Jolly told me not to do it. Folio said I'd lose her if I did. Nick just shook his head and walked away when I took the fifth shot given to me. Matt was refusing to speak to me. What the fuck happened? How could I be so over taken by a girl whose name I couldn't even remember? 
Y/N stands up grabbing her keys and purse that are still on the floor where she dropped them a bit ago. “No, please baby,”
Y/N sits on the ottoman, holding her head in her hands. Her shoulders are shaking, and the only sounds are her quiet sobs. I want to comfort her. I want to go to her, take her in my arms, and apologize over and over until she believes me. I know she won't. I know
Y/N hates me. The cuts I've made so recklessly on her heart are too deep. I reach out to touch her, but she pulls away. “Don't you fucking touch me, Noah,” she screams, making me cringe. “Don't ever touch me again." She looks at me with so much distaste for the first time ever since we've been together. I can't stand to see her like this, so I make the choice to leave. “No, you asshole! You don't get the benefit of walking out on me when you're the one who made the wrong choice. I'm the one who gets to leave.” 
“Don't you fucking dare, Noah. Don't you call me that. You do not have the privilege of calling me that anymore. I'm nothing to you now.” She glares at me with so much hurt, so much anger in her blue eyes. My body goes numb. The slamming of the front door makes me jump, signaling the end of us and the glow of her headlights as she backs out of the driveway says it's for good. I run into the kitchen and find the trash can just in time.
‐--------------------------------
“I know I'm gonna die in this bed I made, and I'm drowning in a dream that I can't escape. If I could wake up, I'd hesitate.”
“Where the fuck have you been? Why haven't you answered any of Matt's or my calls!” Jolly's voice is loud and his bitter tone tells me something bad has happened. “I fell asleep, Jolly, sorry man.” Jolly scoffs. “So fucking typically, Noah! You go off and break Y/N's heart, causing her to do something drastic that plays out like a fucking horror movie and you get to fall asleep. Yeah, fuck you mother,” “Whoa! Slow the fuck down, Jolly! I didn't intentionally fall asleep. I've been sitting here on my couch, crying for the past hour. What are you talking about?” “Are you sure? Didn't invite what’s her face back for a second round the moment  Y/N drove away?” There was dead silence. I clench my jaw, running my hand over my mouth, thanking god Jolly's not in front of me. My fist closes in a tight fist. “Fuck you, Jolly! Fuck you!” I yell into the phone. “It wasn't supposed to happen, okay? I had no intention of hurting Y/N. I love her and I know if I give her some space and some time we can work it out.” There was dead silence again. “Noah,” the way Jolly says my name is one-eighty from just a second ago. Something bad has happened. I can feel it. “Y/N’s been in an accident. She was hit head on by a drunk driver. It took the E.M.T’s almost an hour to cut her out. Once they did; there was no pulse. Her blood was everywhere, Noah. After a few tries of resuscitation they finally got a pulse. It was really faint, but it was there. I followed them to the hospital and Matt, Folio, and Nick met me here. We're all here. Everyone but you. Please come, Noah. Y/N needs you. 
My eyes snap open from the vibration against my leg. As my eyes adjust to the light I realize I must have fallen asleep after sitting on the couch for I don't know how long after Y/N left; her NoFace hoodie still clenched in my hands. It's her favorite, and when I saw it laying on the back of the chair, a spark of hope ignited in me. Maybe if I give her a few days, we can talk. I reach into my pocket to answer the call, and when I look at my phone, I see nine missed calls from Matt and seven from Jolly. I answer before it becomes the eighth. 
_________________________________________
“But it’s too late to turn back now, Oh God, I tried but I don’t know, if I could escape it, I’d trade in the blame, you can take it. If it doesn’t take me first.”
I don’t know how I’m able to make it to the hospital in one piece, but I do. I text Jolly to find out where everyone is and follow the directions he gives me. My knees are weak. I’m shaking and can’t stop the tears that keep randomly falling. Y/N means everything to me; more than the band, the job, the money, fuck my own life. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect her. If I lose her; if he takes her from me; I swear to “Noah!” The sound of my name distracts me from my thoughts. I realize I’m right where Jolly said to meet them, seeing Nicholas waving to me up ahead. Drying my face, I proceed to the waiting area. I’m greeted by fists bumps from both Folio and Nick, but Jolly only glares at me, while Matt refuses to even look at me. I know he and Y/N had a thing for each other before we started dating, but somehow I was the one who managed to grab her attention enough to say yes when I asked her out for the first time. The way her whole face lit up when I asked her still gave me butterflies and I found myself, once again, wondering what the fuck I was thinking when I cheated on her. I wasn’t; that's the whole problem.
“Any update?” I ask. Jolly just shakes his head as he continues to stare. “What?’ “Don’t fucking “what” me.” “Yeah, Jolly, I am. I know you hate me right now okay.” “Hate doesn’t even begin to cover it.” I look over at Matt who’s finally acknowledging my presence. “I know,” My gaze drops from him to the floor, unable to look at the pain in my friend's face. “How can you live with yourself right now, Noah?” Matt stands up and walks up to me. “How can you,” but he doesn’t finish, just continues to stare, making me uncomfortable. Matt begins to cry a little harder than he probably means to, and finally walks away towards the bathrooms, giving me some room to breathe. I wipe my eyes, erasing the guilt that’s started to seep again, taking a seat next to Folio who’s pretending to read an outdated motorcycle magazine. Hours pass, making the unknown feel like hell. My hell. The hell I deserve along with all of it's slow, agonizing torture of my soul as the seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn hours. I’m so anxious that I’ve bitten down all my nails and my left leg is aching from bouncing it up and down for too long. Laying my head back, I let myself drift back into one of my favorite memories of us; that time in Virginia. 
_________________________________________
“If you even think about touching me while I'm walking down this fucking muddy trail you so desperately wanted me to come on with you, I swear to the Lord above, Noah Sebastian, I will make you suffer. I hear you and Jolly back there!” “Babe, I have no idea what you're talking about. You must be hearing things.” I was trying my hardest to hide the snicker in my voice, but I knew Y/N was already on to me. When she turned around and looked at me, giving me her best angry face, I melted even more for her than I already had. She was fucking beautiful, sweet, and such a badass; she was mine. I smiled down at her, moving in a little closer and sliding my hand behind her head, bringing her in for a long kiss. I felt her body relax into mine, the same way she always reacted whenever I kissed her. “You already make me suffer; every moment that you're away from me.” Y/N pulled away from me, gazing into my eyes. “Awe, Noah,” she said, her bottom lip, that I desperately wanted to bite and suck on, protruding. The overwhelming way she made me so hard in a matter of seconds and also made me feel like I was the wealthiest and luckiest man in the world was something I was beginning to get used to. I was falling in love with her; and I wasn't afraid to admit it. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I chuckled at the sheepish grin that swept over her face that reddened her cheeks. “No reason. I just really love looking at you.” I kissed her one more time before taking her hand. “Come on. If you go down, then I'm going down too, how's that.” Her face brightened. “I like that,” she grinned. “Dude, this shit is fucking gross. I usually don't mind mud, but this,” Folio, groaned, lifting up his boot that was cover in thick, greenish, brownish mud. “Whose fucking idea was it to take this particular trail, anyway?” “Matt,” Jolly, Nicholas, Y/N, and I said in unison. “What the fuck! You know you could've said no,” Matt hollered, walking a little further ahead of us.
Just when I thought everything was good, the very next step Y/N took was our demise. Down, she went, ass to the mud, slipping and sliding a few inches down the trail, dragging me with her. Her squeals of I don't know at the point we're all that could be heard as she laid on her back, the back of her shirt and pants soaked in the god-awful muck. I held my laugh, suppressing it as much as I could even though Matt and Folio had already busted out laughing. “Babe? Baby, are you okay?” Even though my ass was wet and muddy, I knew it was nothing compared to Y/N's. Nick helped me up, wishing me luck, and I carefully made my way down the path to help her. Her eyes were closed, and for a second, I thought maybe she was seriously hurt. “Y/N, are you hurt?” I saw her grin before I felt the sting of the mud hit me in the face, slapping me relentlessly. “Shit!” I cried, wondering if this was how bad Y/N's ass felt every time I spanked it during sex. If so, maybe I should find a different kink. “Fucking hell, that hurt.” “ Yeah? Well so does my back, fucker,” she lashed out even though it was through a laugh. “Fair enough.” I squatted next to her, offering my support, only to have her tackle me and push me into the mud. “There, now we're even,” she giggled, leaning over top of me. She kissed me, slipping her tongue slyly into my mouth, sending all kinds of signals through my body. But the bad boy side of me wanted revenge as I grabbed a handful of mud and smashed it in the side of her face. A look of great surprise flashed across her face as her eyes widened. I had a feeling I was going to regret that later on, but knowing how fucking amazing intense rough sex was with Y/N, I gladly welcomed it with open arms.  Pretty soon, after a few more handfuls of back and forth mud throwing, Y/N and I were covered in mud. But we were happy; she was the perfect image of what my happiness was.
“If you two children are finished, the rest of us grown-ups would like to finish our hike.” “Fuck you, Karlsson,” I said, holding up the middle finger to Jolly who playfully smiled as he passed us, refusing to help either one of us up. “What the fuck ever, I guess it's you and me Babe,” I announced, looking over at Y/N. “Yeah, just like always.” 
“I lie to myself like it's not too late, convinced the past can still be changed, We know it's gone, but I can't move on I wanna rewind, but it just replays Jumping on a hand grenade, but it won't go off , no, it won't go off.
The love we made that night was some of the best we'd ever had. I fucked her so slowly, soft at first then harder each time she cried out for more, taking my time to make sure she felt every part of me while I tried to commit to memory every way she felt while I was side her. It was the first time I'd ever made her cum more than twice. She fought with me at first, told me she wasn't letting me anywhere near her because of what happened earlier. “Me withholding sex from you is your punishment,” she said. So, I wrestled her, showing her just how dominant I could be when she chose to be a brat, and I won in the end, obviously. I left my handprint on her ass, caring nothing about the way it might have felt, like I did earlier. Y/N was mine; and she needed to be reminded that she was. Then there was the way she rode me, hands pressing hard against my chest as I watched her enjoy the pleasure she was getting from me. Her breast's filled my hands as she took what she wanted from me, crying my name like an innocent prayer. I came so fucking hard that I left scratches down the sides of her legs. I don't think another night has ever topped that; not even the night that has led to this fucking hell I'm now sitting in. Deciding to take a walk, making Nick promise me he'll text me if there's news, I find myself wandering the Emergency Room halls.
_________________________________________
Overwhelmed by the memories and the emotions, I enter the chapel that's here to bring whatever comfort a person longs for in their time of need. It's empty; just an altar, a cross, a lot of chairs, and a few dim lights. I take a seat closer to the front, wiping my eyes again, though this time I'm not ashamed of the tears. I deserve them. I fucked up so bad and now I'm left in Y/N’s wake to deal with the guilt and heartache that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I bit my knuckles while slowly rocking back and forth, letting the tears of anger, tears of hurt and pain, tears of fear, run down my cheeks and fall to the floor below. Then I begin to do something I haven't done since I was a kid; something my grandma taught me to use in the moments when I didn’t know what else to do; I pray.
“I know you're listening; I know you can hear me. Y/N is fucking innocent. She doesn't deserve to pay for the crimes I've committed.” I squeeze my eyes closed, releasing more tears, sniffling. “I know I've fucked up and I'm guessing I've made you pretty angry if you think an innocent girl deserves to take my place in death. But, I'm telling you now,” stopping as my voice starts to break apart. I'm sobbing, falling to my knees as my hands drape over the back of the chair in front of me. “God, I'm fucking begging you, take me first. Switch our places, somehow, some way and fucking take me first. I can't live with this pain, God!” I drop down seething through my teeth. “Ughhh, fucking shit, motherfucker! It hurts too much, do you hear me!” I push the chairs in front of me so hard they go flying and hit the bottom of the altar. That's all it takes before I'm lifting chair after chair and throwing it across the room. “I'm sorry I hurt her, I'm sorry I broke her heart, just please, I'm fucking begging you, don't take her from me. Take Me First.” My shoulders slump and my arms fall to my sides. I'm out of breath, crying in between each one. I’m emotionally drained and feel uncomfortably numb, so numb that I don't feel the vibration of my phone at first. I pull it out not expecting what I see. 
Today 4:32am
Nick: Y/N'S AWAKE!!!! GET HERE NOW!!!
Everything around me stops. A loud ringing echoes in my ears, piercing the very inner and making me cringe. This can’t really be how it works is it? I get pissed off, throw a fit, and my prayer is answered; there’s more to it, right? My eyes drift upwards, and I’m suddenly feeling a little ashamed. Especially when I take a look around the room and see the mess I’ve made. Fuck. I’m going to have to clean this up before I leave the hospital. But first I need to go see Y/N. “Thank you,” I whisper as I walk toward the door to leave, but before I do I turn around and focus on the simple cross sitting in the middle of the table at the foot of the altar. Suddenly, hope doesn’t seem impossible. I believe more now than before, that Y/N and I might be able to fix this horrible broken mess. 
All the guys are in the room surrounding Y/N. She’s lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to all kinds of machines with tubes and cables attached to her and going everywhere. One of her legs and arms are in a cast, and a huge bandage is wrapped around her head. Bruising is visible on her face along with a busted lip. Seeing all of this shatters my heart into a million pieces, destroying what little bit of it was left. I stand outside the room, gazing in on her. Matt’s at her side, holding her hand, talking to her about god only knows what. Probably anything to distract her from reality, and she’s partially smiling at whatever he’s saying. Despite everything, Y/N looks happy. When her eyes shift to look at me, I see the same beautiful light in them I’ve grown used to seeing all these years and I can’t help but smile back, causing everyone to turn and look my way.
Nicholas comes out wearing a grave expression that chills every part of me. I know what he’s about to say isn’t easy, so I brace myself for it. He takes me by the arm, pulling me off to the side, out of Y/N’s sights. “What is it Nick? What’s wrong? Y/N’s dying isn’t she? She’s not going to make it, shit, oh my god,” I run my hands through my hair as I turn back around and stare back into the room at her. I’m shaking so bad I can barely stand, so I brace myself against the wall for support. "Will you chill the fuck out Noah, just for a minute, and listen to me! Y/N’s not dying. She’s going to be okay. She has a lot of injuries that are going to take a lot of time to heal, but she’s going to be fine.” I exhale, looking Nick in the eyes for the first time. “Really?” I ask, through blurry eyes. He smiles at me, throwing his hand on my shoulder. “Really, bro. She’s good. But there is something you’ve got to know. She said she didn’t want to tell you herself because you might not believe her.” My forehead creases as I frown. “What do you mean, something else?” Nick licks his lips, looks over into the room, and takes a deep breath. “Nick, what the fuck dude, what is it?” His green eyes meet mine and in absolute seriousness he says, “Y/N’s pregnant.”
72 notes · View notes
preet-01 · 24 hours
Note
M sounds like such a maxiel prompt. Up to you what shenanigans Daniel asks Max to do. Or maybe he could be asking him to come live on his farm with him in the off-season?
M — "I need to ask something of you." "Always. Anything." "Don't say that before you hear what it is. Seriously."
This was such a maxiel prompt but it took me so long to decide on just one way it could go
Somewhere in the club, Martin was giving one of the best shows of his life, all to celebrate Maxy's fourth consecutive championship win, but Daniel couldn't care a single bit about Martin's music. All he wanted to do was find Max.
"Maxy!" Daniel cheers when he does finally find the Dutchman ensconced in between Charles, Lando, and surprisingly George.
"Daniel!" Max greets, always so happy to see Daniel, and god does that do wonders for his ego. It’s always nice to know that someone other than your parents is delighted by your presence.
"Boys, I need to steal the world champ away," Daniel tells the others. He doesn't wait for a response, just drags Max away from them. Max for his part, comes along happily and giggling.
"Where are you taking me?" Max questions.
"I need to ask something of you," Daniel tells him when they're in some quiet corner of the club away from everyone.
"Always. Anything," Max replies without hesitation. If he's honest, then Max's answer is terrifying. It gives him too much power, too much control, something that he doesn't want to have over anyone, especially not Max. Especially not when it concerns what he's been dying to ask Max all year long now.
"Don't say that before you hear what it is, seriously," Daniel states, his mind wandering back to how Max had always listened and never denied him anything. Even in the middle of the night, Max would answer his texts and calls with a slightly concerning promptness that not even his mother had.
Daniel has spent months trying to figure out how to finally express his feelings to Max after years of pulling away when they got too close. He’d spent months thinking of the best way to tell Max that he’d been an idiot for years now and wanted, no needed to be Max’s in every sense of the world. He’d planned out his every word just to make sure he wouldn’t make a mess out of it like he had so many times in the past.
But instead he says, “tattoo me. Mark me as yours and yours only.” Which is far from what he had planned to say, but still the general idea.
“Are you serious?” Max is all wide eyes and parted lips as he stares at Daniel in that mesmerizing way of his where Daniel just drowns in Max’s Maldives sea colored eyes.
“As a heart attack,” Daniel answers
Max doesn’t tattoo him that night or for many nights to come, instead he marks Daniel in other, less permanent ways. It makes Daniel curse himself for being scared of having this for so long, but also so glad that they’d begun this part of their relationship when both of them were mature and wiser. He would have hated to lose Max after experiencing him so intimately.
He’d never been one to get hard when someone tattooed him, pain didn’t connect to pleasure in his mind. Pain was pain and it was not very fun. But Max with his brows furrowed and attention solely focused on Daniel’s upper thigh as he pressed the tattoo gun onto Daniel’s skin definitely did things to Daniel.
High on Daniel’s thigh, where no one except Max will see, there’s a tattooed heart with M + D in it. Just like they’d joked about well over a year ago.
49 notes · View notes
fuumiku · 17 hours
Note
Chilcille huh... ngl I was a little suspicious. like why would you do that, huh... hope youre not mischaracterizing anyone in your weird and wacky ship. a little weird. but then you said they both had flat asses and you know what? I salute you and your perfect characterization
The fact you seem to think you managed to not make this ask insulting is baffling. What the hell. Fuck off.
If you actually care to be open minded about the ship, I talk about marchil on my sideblog 24/7. Funnily enough I’m currently 4k words deep into an analysis of their character arc together in canon, but that’ll take some more days to get done. Some notable posts:
Of course without counting the analyses of Chilchuck on his own I’ve made, like my masterpost on his family situation. Or better yet you could also read my fics for them, see how weird and wacky they are here.
Wanna talk about mischaracterisation? They’re literally a comedic duo who interacts 24/7. Marchil is crazy bc ppl are like "did those shipper read with their eyes CLOSED?? They have no chemistry!" Meanwhile canon is like: "She’s obsessed with knowing everything she can about him and she reads him like a book." In her eyes he’s like that extra rare and hard and shiny unlockable dating sim character, that brooding mysterious character trope that’s thrilling to crack open and typically is at the center of the plot. The wife roleplay???? "Hey, did you know his type is blondes. Hey did you know he likes his women pretty and blonde. Hey did you know he likes her hair. Hey did you know that he teases her 24/7 and it’s one of the few things that consistently gets him grinning because he finds her reactions cute." Like a schoolyard bully pulling on the pigtails of the girl he likes.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
It’s not like they have any thematic narratives or relevance. It’s not like she’ll live to 1000 and has existential dread about it while he’s logically gonna be her next friend to die at 50 and wether it’s romantic or platonic it’ll terrify her to lose him. It’s not like it’s fear of death x fear of rejection so they’re both obsessed with the thought of loss looming, past and ongoing. It’s not like it’s half-elf x half-foot and there’s an inherent journey that was and still is to dispel prejudices and truly come to see each other. It’s not like he’s painfully real and raw and flawed but still a good man, that he’s not the figure of prince charming that she’s always dreamed of while still being virtuous and worth fighting for.
Just a weird wacky ship who means nothing but shallow things to people who have weirdo reasons for liking it. Like can you not. If you’re not imaginative enough to think of reasons why this ship may have an appealing dynamic that’s not my issue. But yes, yes, they’re both flat asses to me, thanks.
Tumblr media
47 notes · View notes
zmediaoutlet · 1 day
Text
Well, Sam wasn’t wrong. The panic room wasn’t any kind of paradise to be locked in, no matter how much the occupant needed it. Cot’s a piece of crap, too. Dean knows Bobby doesn’t go for the softer things, much, but man. Given that being shut in here had a pretty decent chance of turning into your last night on earth, he could’ve at least sprung for a mattress pad. A decent blanket. Something.
Dean sits on the edge of the bed. He turns his wrist against the handcuff and looks at the underside, the blue veins. Knows he could pick it if he had any damn thing left on him to pick it, but Sam didn’t leave him much but his boots. Knows he could pull, and bleed, and dislocate or even break his thumb and force his way out that way, but Sam’s locked him pretty tight and he’s not positive he could drag his way out, and if he screwed it up then he’d just be in a bunch of pain, and Castiel’s probably too mad at him to heal it. He could just bleed out. He turns his wrist in the cuff again, grips the edge of the mattress with both hands. Easy to imagine. The blood sluicing down—and it’d take a while, unless he hurried it along somehow—snapping a spring off the bed and making the wounds jagged and wide and red—making the world slow and slide and shut down, hopefully permanently, so he wouldn’t have to bear it anymore. So Bobby and Cas and everyone who ever relied on him wouldn’t have to bear it, anymore. Except of course it wouldn’t be a solution because he can’t. Everything he was ever taught flooded up against that last lead door and stopped. More’s the pity.
The panic room door opens, creaking. He keeps looking at the floor.
“You want some water, or something?” Sam says.
Dean smiles at the iron between his boots. “I’m good.”
Drag of metal on metal—Sam pulls the desk chair over, sits a yard away from Dean. Not far enough away that Dean couldn’t grab him, if he made the lunge. If he wanted to. He doesn’t know why Sam isn’t worried about it.
“What’s in the box?” Sam says. Dean smiles at the floor. “Don’t make a Brad Pitt joke. The box you had, in the motel in Cicero. I put it in the trunk before I drove the car back up here.”
Dean looks up. Sam’s watching him. Small frown but he’s not mad. He doesn’t even seem disappointed, even if Dean’s been—everything he’s been.
“What I had,” he says. His voice is rough and he clears his throat. “Just… stuff. I thought maybe you’d…” He shakes his head. “Feels stupid. Talking about, you know, crap maybe you’d remember me by, except here I am. Just stuff. Dad’s jacket, my gun, my keys. Wrote a letter.”
Sam raises his eyebrows. “A letter.”
Dean shrugs. “Doesn’t matter, now.”
Sam looks like he’s not sure about that. Dean wishes he hadn’t mentioned it. Imagines Sam ripping off the duct tape and reading the stupid crap he’d written down and thinking that it was all Dean had wanted to say. Felt too messed up to leave without even a note but he couldn’t—formulate it, not out loud and not in writing either, turned out, especially if Bobby or someone else might see it too. How much he loved Sam and resented him and needed him and how this hole in the center of his gut that had started who knows how long ago had just gotten bigger, and bigger, and he’d worried that what he felt for Sam would fall into it and get lost but it didn’t seem to work that way, somehow. The hole got bigger and what him-and-Sam meant got bigger, too, and stranger and stronger and more unwieldy, until there were days that Dean thought he’d suffocate under it, or drown maybe, or that he’d lose his mind with worry, or that he’d—start to hate Sam, maybe, for making him this terrified. For being this thing he couldn’t stand the idea of losing and yet that had been lost to him over and over. Until the hole felt like it took up all of him, just this absence held vastly empty under the barrier of his skin, and what him-and-Sam meant was going to destroy the whole planet, and it felt more right to just—simplify the equation. Subtract the thing by half and maybe there’d actually be something left, afterward. Even if Dean weren’t around to see it then at least there’d be something.
“I wish I could make you believe it,” Sam says. Dean refocuses. The spinning shadow of the fan above cuts random light over Sam’s face. His mouth tucked up on one side, sorry. “I don’t know how. There’s not any—evidence I can show, or logic. It’s not a case. It’s just something I know and I can’t make you understand.”
“Guess I shouldn’t have dropped out,” Dean says, and Sam smiles in this weird flat way that doesn’t look like smiling at all, and Dean can’t make him understand, either, how sorry he is, and how little it matters that he’s sorry. That he has to say yes to Michael because there is no other way he can think of in the world to save as many people as they can but also to save Sam, from Michael and from Lucifer and from himself, most of all, and to save Dean from having to see that, too. He’s thought about how it’ll go. When they got to talk to Jimmy Novak he explained that being possessed by an angel was like being chained to a comet: terrifying, absolute, a blaze of blinding light, and Dean thinks—hopes—that that’s true, that with an archangel it’ll be worse, that he can close his eyes and sink into it and there’ll be pain, he’s sure, but he’s been through hell and pain’s nothing he worries about, if he won’t have to see his brother fall.
“I’m kinda jealous Cas got to beat you up,” Sam says. Dean snorts. Then Sam leans forward, quick, takes Dean’s face in both hands. Dean stiffens but Sam doesn’t—hit him, or choke him, or kiss him. All equal possibilities considering the day. Sam only looks him in the eyes, with this expression like—he’s five years old and wishing for answers Dean can’t give. Dean reaches up with his uncuffed hand and grips Sam’s wrist. His pulse fast under Dean’s thumb. Sam takes a deep, shuddery breath in, closes his eyes tight. When he opens them they’re damp but he doesn’t look five anymore. “We’re going to save Adam and you’re not going to say yes. I don’t care if you don’t believe it. I know.”
This year’s been too terrible for the empty pit in Dean to feel any smaller. “Okay, Sam,” he says, because it’ll get him out of this room. Sam nods and stands up and goes for the keys. Dean watches him, tall and broad and beautiful, and wishes he had faith.
28 notes · View notes
galaxymagitech · 3 hours
Text
Why does Batman keep his no-kill rule? The five reasons I can think of are:
He has a deep regard for all human life, no matter how evil.
He believes that everyone can be rehabilitated and change.
He’s terrified that crossing this particular line would cause him to lose control completely.
He thinks that as a vigilante, he cannot chose who lives and dies and remain just; ie: he can’t be executioner without legal backing.
He’s fallen prey to the sunk cost fallacy.
I personally feel like it’s a combination of these. The versions of Batman I actually like seem to be mostly Reasons 1 and 2. BtAS Bruce genuinely cares about people and sees the good in them, and would never want to extinguish that potential.
Reason 3 is a legitimate concern, and one that Bruce has used again and again. It often reads as more of an excuse, but he doesn’t have the duty to kill, and if this is the line that keeps him sane, then I understand him sticking to it. But it doesn’t explain why he takes such strong measures to stop others from killing, especially when Jason and Dick have attempted to kill the Joker. I feel like this is the Slippery Slope fallacy to the extreme (“if I don’t revive the Joker then I’ll start thinking it’s okay not to save someone and if I start thinking that’s okay then I won’t save someone and if I do that then I’ll start thinking it’s okay to indirectly cause a death and if I do that then I’ll start killing”).
Reason 4 seems illogical to me. Sure, he has no right to kill, but he also has no right to enter crime scenes, beat people up, and cause extensive injuries. Killing as a line for what he has the “right” to do feels somewhat arbitrary, especially when killing is legal in self-defense.
But in a lot of Bruce’s worst moments, it really feels like Reason 5 is winning out. Especially with the Joker. He’s so invested in letting the Joker live, especially after Jason’s death, that he’ll revive him and protect him even at the cost of hurting Jason. He’s compelled to protect the Joker because he didn’t make the choice to kill him before. He can’t kill because that was a line he set for himself and now it’s one that he has to follow, Because if he was wrong about the no-kill rule? Then he’s made some awful decisions. So he has to be right, and he has to enforce that rule on those around him too, to prove it to himself.
23 notes · View notes
claiestve · 7 hours
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
𝐈 𝐖𝐚𝐬 𝐍𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 ꨄ Xanthus
˜”* ❝𝙄 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙢𝙮 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙡𝙮 𝙛𝙖𝙙𝙞𝙣'❞
⎯⎯ ୨ ୧ ⎯⎯
ꜱʏɴᴏᴘꜱɪꜱ: ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇxᴛ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ.
⎯୨⎯ " " ⎯୧⎯
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
It’s okay, breathe. It’s for the better. It is for the better, right? Right? 
“By agreeing to this, you are agreeing to give up the memories of this person. Do you wish to proceed?”
If all of the pain just went away, that’d be amazing. Maybe this is what you need—the last step. 
“Ahem,” You cleared your throat, “Yes, I wish to proceed.” This was good. This means no more sleepless nights. No more being terrified like that day. 
After the battle, you couldn’t remain with Xanthus. He became unhealthily obsessive and toxic. You knew it wasn’t intentional but fuck did it hurt. You saw through it, he was terrified of something happening to you. He was much more jumpy than before. He’d flinch at loud noises. You found it strange that out of his four hundred-something years, he wouldn’t be so affected by this. However, you’re his love and the thought of losing you forever affected him terribly. 
When the two of you addressed it, you concluded that you’d have to love from a distance. Seeing him like that broke you and he was hurting seeing you constantly nervous to live your life. Although he’d want you for eternity, whatever you want or need, he’ll make sure you get. So it was final. 
However, that didn’t stop you from thinking about it. Even with your new place in the city that never sleeps, you couldn’t get him off your mind. It got worse when you’d go to sleep. All you could think about was the battle and the crazy look in Xanthus’ eyes when he was fighting for your life. You told him you’d never be scared of him but you couldn’t help but be scared. It was all too much. 
One day, you went to your last resort. You knew it was an option the whole time but didn’t want to go to it. However, at this rate, you had to. You had to have your memory of Xanthus and that world erased. You were hesitant at first but you knew this was right. 
Right?
“Is this too tight?” The woman asked as she put the weird contraption on your head. It was glowy and you looked like some sort of alien. It was a bit tight but nothing that would bother you. 
“No, it’s just fine.” 
“Alright, just lay back. You brought many sentiments so this might take a while. If you need us to stop, let us know.” 
That left you nervous. Why would you need them to stop? What could happen?
You closed your eyes with an open mind. Nothing was happening yet. It just felt like you were laying back and resting. That’s where it starts though. You’re brain started to throb. 
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
“I bought something for you. I had planned to give it to you another day but there’s no time like the present.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“I saw this bracelet and thought of you.”
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
You peeked your eyes open to see that same bracelet being removed from your wrist. You wanted to snatch it back but no matter how hard you tried, your body couldn’t move. All you could do was lay back and close your eyes. 
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
“You showed me what I had missed.”
“Really?”
“Mhm, the list is endless. Um, a willingness to fight the innocence of love, the warmth of sentiment, the necessity of respite, purpose of living.”
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
You thought back to the apartment you two were sitting in. Whose was it again? The name wasn’t quite clicking anymore. At all, actually. Your memories started to become a blur and soon enough, you felt it. Your throat getting tighter, your breath shortening, your body shaking. 
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
“Something’s… wrong.” 
“What? What is it?”
“I don’t know… I just have a feeling.”
“For yourself?”
“No.”
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
You gasped, suddenly your lungs opened back up and your throat loosened. Your gaze quickly turns back and forth as you try to get a hold of someone to help you. 
“What’s wrong?” A woman approaches you while reaching for your hand. 
You look into her eyes waiting for your voice to vocalize your pain but you can’t. All you could do was break down and cry as you thought about… what were you thinking about again? You couldn’t tell why you were panicking so much or what you were crying about anymore. It was all completely dismissed from your mind. 
“This is good!” The woman expresses to her team in the back as they laid you back down on the chair. She hands you a bracelet and waits for a reaction. 
“Are you giving this to me? What is this?” 
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
this is so heavily inspired by eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and also we can't be friends mv (I'm sorry) sooo yeahhhh AHHAHAHHA
also yall im SORRY THIS WAS SO PROCRASTINATED IM GONNA UGH
Tumblr media
23 notes · View notes
Note
I'm loving the recent chapters to The Man Who Would Be King! I was wondering with the homophobia in the wizarding world, does anyone has a functioning gaydar?
Would Dumbledore catch on if he didn't think Tom was hellspawn incapable of human emotions? How slow would Alphard's nieces be to figure out Alphard and Tom, on a scale of 1 to Edward Cullen?
The Man Who Would Be King by me and @therealvinelle.
Look, @therealvinelle, praise!
Also, thoughts on homophobia in the wizarding world.
Like all things depends on the character and their upbringing even within the wizarding world.
You have Lily where homosexuality is a nebulous concept that exists, that gay people are somewhere and certainly in the Muggle world, but she would insist she's never seen it personally in the wizarding world due to lack of overt out people/not really having internalized it in terms of the wizarding world.
You have Alphard where he is the gay people that exists, is highly closeted, but is also a bit of a shut-in and family oriented/doesn't have many friends. He'll side eye other people and go "huh, they're acting very similar to me/have very similar life circumstances, aren't they/don't they?" So, he'll look at people like Rabastan who really really really really really don't want to get married even though his brother's over there in his mid-thirties still without an heir and goes "hm, looks familiar" but he would also shrug and accept he's wrong if someone vehemently went "no way!" to him.
But you bring up interesting examples.
Dumbledore is... Dumbledore. He'll never catch on with Tom in particular, or anyone having anything to do with Tom, because as you note Tom is an evil hellspawn with a dark glamour about him. Everything by its nature with Tom is at once both hyper sexual and also completely asexual because that's just what Tom is to Dumbledore. He's a sexy sexy sexy man who isn't sexy at all because he's evil except he is but in a dark way and completely incapable of love and intimacy and what do you mean the way Dumbledore's been describing him is weird?
So, even in a different world, I don't see Dumbledore being different because he's Dumbledore.
As for the nieces, absolutely no idea, none. Now, they wouldn't go Edward about it because but they would have weird reactions because of just who it is. Bellatrix gets to deal with the fact that her father is banging her god (and is it gay if he's banging your god or is that just something anyone would do if their god asked?), Narcissa would also be more :/ about the fact that the dark lord... is... doing things with her beloved uncle-father, and Andromeda of course would lose her goddamn mind. If it weren't Tom I imagine they'd be a bit more "huh" about it and would probably, eventually, shrug it off as an Uncle Alphard quirk of which he has many, on par with things like "Uncle Alphard really likes books!" But the idea that the Dark Lord is banging their uncle-father?
Merlin forbid, the concept is blasphemous and terrifying. They're not going there.
20 notes · View notes
pencilpat · 2 days
Note
Dukeceitbrainrot here on anon. Do you have any ripe headcanons for Janus/Remus? 💛💚
Who am I fooling, we have so many that I can't even write them all out in one place without overwhelming myself! Here's some juicy ones though, just for you. @dukeceitbrainrot
Janus and Remus both have really bad abandonment issues, both from things Thomas has been through as well as losing Virgil from such a previously tight knit group. They cling to each other very, very hard. They fell in love out of necessity, out of proximity, out of 'you are the only one left for me,' but they still love, love, love.
They both watch a lot of horror films, sure, but their tastes are completely different. While Janus would bring things like Run. or Us to movie night, Remus will bring things like Slaughtered Vomit Dolls or Cannibal Holocaust and spend the whole film infodumping about the horrific backstories and crimes involved. Janus sits there utterly horrified the whole time, but he lets Remus have his fun nonetheless.
Remus eats a lot of weird stuff that's very bad for his health (I headcanon that he has the disorder pica among his menagerie) and Janus has to help him quell those compulsions in any way he can. That resulted in Janus learning to bake and cook creations that look or feel in texture exactly like the things Remus would want to eat. Such as sugar glass for that nasty glass swallowing habit, or fondant to replace fancy soaps. Janus once created candy that looks and feels like razor blades, just for him.
They are SO 'horrible beast and enabling owner' coded okay, "I don't know, I just let him play," and all else are you kidding me?? Janus enables the chaos for his own amusement and Remus's antics are an endless source of entertainment for him. Janus can be pretty easily grossed out, but it's creates flabbergasted affection towards Remus more than anything else.
A bit nsfw, skip if you need to. But their sex isn't actually as weird as you'd expect from Remus. He's a lot softer and sweeter to people he genuinely loves. He gets worried when he loves someone, will he scare them off, will he make them hate him like most others have, will they be just like the others? Their opinion actually matters to him, which is bizarre and terrifying for him to deal with. Janus is very good at reassuring him and keeping him close and safe when emotions do interfere with their encounters. Remus needs a lot of aftercare most of the time, he's very prone to those rushes of negative emotions following sex.
Remus gets injured a lot, either from fights with Roman or his own tendencies to step on/into his own weapons. Janus knows very basic field first aid because of this, and has to patch him up while chastising him pretty much 6 out of 7 days of the week.
Janus has really bad days sometimes, where his responsibilities and his role as Denial crash onto him like a train. He's hiding so much, holding so much back and away from the others. It's a taxing task. Remus shows a surprisingly strong soft side on those nights, caring for and comforting Janus through every trauma reaction he may have, be it screaming, crying, scratching at himself, etc etc. It can be really rough for both of them, but Janus is always incredibly grateful to Remus for staying with him through it, despite.
Remus does not care whether Janus likes affection or not, he WILL be being kissed and laid on and grabbed and tackled and shoved into Remus's chest 24 hours 7 days a week and he is not allowed to complain.
Shockingly domestic, sweet couple. always baking or gardening together or sitting on the sofa together doing nothing at all. The only difference is that There Is An Eyeball On The Coffee Table or Remus Filled That Pot With Human Waste So I Cannot Use It or other bizarre inclusions of disgusting things among their neat little domestic life.
Remus is a coffee drinker, Janus is a tea drinker. There are many arguments over this. 200 dead, 5000 injured.
Janus likes to try and plan civil, nice dates in The Mindpalace for them, but Remus always fucks it up in some horrific way, intentionally. What is love worth if it cannot flourish in chaos, huh Janus? Huh??
That's all for now, I love these two idiots so much
23 notes · View notes
girlwithfish · 2 months
Text
this is wild i told him ive been depressed latelg and low motivation cuz he asked how i am and he said he feels like hes influencing me and i said how so and he said that hes making me upset or is a part of the cause like girl why do. uthink that
8 notes · View notes
Text
Tumblr media
Guess what I found on the internet today
18 notes · View notes
jesuschristfinalgirl · 10 months
Text
being chubby means there are wars going on in my mind every single day with millions of soldiers dying
#the fact it makes me feel like i am immediately eliminated as someone to be romantically or sexually interested in for most of the world#and like. if its true that someone wouldnt like me for my weight then i wouldnt want them either but like. oh god. oh my fucking god#i do want to lose some weight just bc i have a lot of clothes i got recently that i like that i want to fit into again#and its not even much that i would need to lose. but even the thought of moving towards being skinny is terrifying i would never want to do#that. like the thought that someone could like me as a skinny person and think i was ugly if they had met me a year earlier and i wouldnt#even know is HORRIFYING.#its like. ive moved past the outward fatphobia of our world a lot. i dont really care about how my body looks im pretty neutral about it for#the most part and im happy that ive gotten to thaf point#but the fact that the way i look is a MAJOR part of how other people interact with me is so scary. and makes me so sad#just like jo march. it doesnt really matter how much work youve done on becoming someone strong and smart and secure and having people you#love platonically. at a certain point having no romantic love makes you feel lonely#and a little worthless. like oh someone has to know me really well before ever being interested in me as more than a friend nice to know i#inspire no feelings of attraction in the people i am interested in because of the body i inhabit. awesome 👍🏻#ugh. its whatever. its just a lot of contradictory shit i think about a lot and hate thinking about so much
13 notes · View notes
pepprs · 11 months
Text
ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
11 notes · View notes
telemarcs · 1 year
Text
Why do people have to remind me of my birthday in June?
#just a reminder of how far behind i am in life#and how much my illnesses have taken from me#not being in a relationship not going out with friends not that i care about parties and alcohol anyway but still not having my license#not having taken a plane anywhere not having left Scandinavia i don't have a degree i can't work i don't have any friends here where i live#I'm depressed i have 4 illnesses#i have anxiety about a lot#i spend my days distracting myself to cover up the fact I'm not okay at all because i don't wanna cry so hard that my face gets swollen and#I'm in pain because that's what happens when i realize how things are#i have dreams I'm terrified of never achieving I'm terrified I'll never meet someone who it clicks with and i wanna meet them either#friendship or relationship wise#I'm scared my health will get worse#I've never lived alone and i hate my hometown so much i feel trapped but idk how i can leave on my own rn idk how much I'll be able to take#care of myself#i dont get help from docs I'm feeling crap and I'm losing weight and still i feel too fat#and I'm embarrassed over my food problems that i just hate dinners and can't stand most foods and then there are my food allergies and#ahh idk I've done well over 25 things to improve my life just the past year but it still feels like I've made no progress#I'm scared to lose my interests completely to lose people I'm scared because there has been so many bad news the past year I'm just scared#and idk how i can stop thinking negative I've spent my whole life fighting my illnesses the system the docs and i just wanna live#but I'm scared all those years wanting to die will backfire at me because of all these bad thoughts#i know i shouldn't compare my journey to others because we're all so different but it's so hard to come to terms with that#when the chronically ill representation isn't shown much#don't worry about me I'll manage it's just one of those days#idk ignore tmi i guess so will delete probably#trigger warning#tw#really don't wanna trigger anyone with this :((((#but i probably am so I'm sorry I'm an idiot as always just focusing on myself too much
7 notes · View notes
quaranmine · 1 year
Text
when ur like "eh, i'll worry about that after christmas!" about work stuff but then the passage of time comes for us all and it's now after christmas so you do very much need to worry about it. and are worrying about it. greatly
9 notes · View notes