{read on IG @gardenofnea} // 6-7 months ago I started recovery from a ED relapse occured in #southkorea #한국 (nope, it wasn‘t triggered by any beauty standards or external pressure). Nope, I didn‘t post any before pictures or posted my food etc. I didn‘t do any of that bc for me, it would have been validating my eating disorder and „maintaining“ stereo typical thinking but ED‘s go deeper than the surface of physical appearance and controlling one‘s intake, it‘s often about control, stability and security (or better said creating the illusion of it by turning to disordered/harmful behaviors). I relapsed after years of being mostly symptom-free (I truly reached a point of food freedom and I haven‘t weighted myself in years + threw out the scale many years ago), not because I hated how I looked or wanting to lose weight but because I was on my own in a completely different country with no plan except for knowing a direction & unconsciously (at first) started to turn back to old behaviors to feel a sense of security and control. My life there was very spontaneously & I wanted to go there not only bc I like Korean culture but also to challenge myself - trust, faith and surrender are still my biggest ones, so I wanted to see how much I trust myself by moving to another country completely on my own only with a bunch of my savings.

Long story short: I had to come back after ~4 months for health reasons and this photo is a recent one; no, I don‘t show off my body or how much + I what I eat, I show that I‘m alive, that I went through hell and back + that I feel like a newborn starting my life fresh leaving the past and old false stories behind and forgive A LOT. I’m currently in the biggest transistioning period of my life. My ED was my door opener to spirituality and myself. Without it I would‘ve never gone beyond the surface and discover who I truly am - a spiritual being having a temporary human experience.

Since I want to live shame-free, here‘s a confession: I haven‘t had a „real“ job since April and focused mainly on my recovery, (mental) health and wellbeing & I don‘t need to explain myself nor am I willing to do so. It‘s okay and everything will work out (I can always access my desires through my sixth sense, my imagination) & all fears, pain and discomfort are here to be felt, so they can be processed and leave our systems. Life after ED is possible and you‘re not bound to one identity, especially not a false one - your true self is formless and you can play any character you want to be (I‘m practicing and reminding myself of that too 😛)

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Tired of seeking & searching? Check out my „Access Your Inner Wisdom“ meditation incl. meditation guide 🧚🏼

Demons in My head whilst im trying to relax

Right so here I am trying to relax and all these bloody demons in my head im trying to relax eating away at my thoughts and I dont get it my recent demon is my cunt of an ex keeps eating away at my brain feeling sick feeling mad feeling sad but whos winning me I am winning I have a beautiful new girlfriend who is stunning and goergues I have a beautiful flat the size of two massive houses maybe my new stunning girlfriend will live here with me one day.

Ohhh demons fuck off how can I explain you DEMONS DEMONS TAKING AWAY MY APPITIE BECAUSE YOURE SO UGLY SO DOOM SO GLOOM SO BLOODY SHIT YOU MAY HAVE ME LAYING IN A TOMB ONE DAY 

But I fight I stay strong as I ride my lion through the jungle of emtions ohhh how you are unstable how you affect my personality. you sit in my head waiting for me to bite hell no not tonight not tonight I wont hold tight you wont hold me back I wont stare into the blackness I wont be held back I gotta many wounds in my back it started with one now one hundered am I a beat poet I dot know well I aint no rapper I aint no slacker the pictures the thoughts the things that happened to me you ugly demons leave alone I wanna go home but is that guenine I jus wanna tell you these demons are evil evil con evil little shit heads in my brain I pop pills to take away the pain gone days without food I wish I could get the justice for what you did to me you bunch of cuntwit fuck fuck fuck 

Come at me with all you got demons  fire you're bullets damage my brain make me feel the pain make me feel sued do what you can do to hurt me murder me if you must hit me with all you got 

Make me feel bad make me feel mad make me hate do youre best to discriminate and make me feel bad make me feel mad 

Voices in my head telling me I should be dead have a cardic arrest loose control of my bladders theres so many of you voices telling me so many negitive things telling me I lost my socks in the plug hole of life telling me I gonna die on public transportation telling me im a paraniod schizopherinc telling me im bad and a gangster the life I ner had oh voices fuck off tell me somthing good for once in a while you dirty nonces you head bounces its a mind fuck.

And I never told you I was a victim of catorgry A Pedophilia thanks Mum for your sexual Narcosistic and physical abuse thanks for the beatings because without out them I wouldnt e broad without the drugs I wouldnt be tolarent the times you drugged my tied me up and sexual a physically abused me you fat cunt I AM A SURVIVOUR I SURVIED YOURE SHIT AND WITHOUT YOURE CONSTANT ABUSE I WOULDNT BE AS STONG AS I AM TODAY  I SURVIVED YOURE SHIT YOURE ABUSSSSEEEE NOW IM STRONG NOW I AM MIGHTY NOW I AM BROAD STIFF AS A FUCKING BORED 

So when my legs give up and Im solider fucked body like an ex war vetran walking up the hill with more bullets hitting me at mighty speeds im trying not to hit the groud I look up with the mud on my face and the blood on my hands grab the dirt as it runs through my fingers and stare into the face of the main demon you know who you are you evil bitch you aint nothing to what I dealt with before I stare you in youre ugly fat face and say fuck me look at you haha then now it gets comical haha look at the state of you you for real you fat demon 

okay so here goes why did I fall for you you fat bitch hair on youre  back hair on youre face ugly as fuck youre os fake so whens the real you gonna stand up wheres  the real you gonna stand up fuck you fuck youre Mum and youre stupid family tooooo haha am I going to far hooo im sorry you mad well take it this way you look like youre Dad you sure you aint got some transistion thing going on / I know but you have Jamie/ well look whos using that against me you look like a disfunctional lad more hair on youre face than youre Dad why did I ever date u youre fat ohhh now youre mad dysfunctional hairy ugly cant even stand u for 2 mins on a bus always had to get you a seat cant stand the heat must always take youre fat weight of youre feet cant climb the stairs with out almost having a cardiac arrest oh dearrrr my frined youre fat hairy and ugly why the fuck I need you haha look at the state of you you fat bitch you ugly  round the caldroun agian cackling  again boiling some rotten fish stink of youre dont even wanna say think I done enough damage dont you miss you know I never told you you stink off piss erhhh whyd i go with you must be outta my mind well thats enough Paula Finn think I sinnned enough well you hurt me so I got you back this is all true now go sniff some glue then go step in dog poo I dont miss you youre outta my life aha haha go back to the bakery eat some buns then go blind everyone in youre bikini out in the sun.

See I got that demon straight out there oh did I mention her erh erh looks like a pair of balls what was I thinking haha oh well theres that demon gone bye bye gal haha

You see it takes alot to get me down I stand tall through everything that was honsetly the biggest demon in my head was her but if I look back I was bloody misrable with her anyway now as I pull up from the ground and dust myself off and reload my gun after that massive arry of bullets that jus got shot out of it I clean the blood off my face wipe the dirt off my hands ans start marching again thats the main demon on my mind destroyed shes dead gone now time to start a new a fresh as I march off awaiting my next challenge with a smile on my face im happy I destroyed Paula Finn Metophrically shes been gunned down now to move on with my goals and my beautiful new partner.