#i have to deal with myself forever | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stil-lindigo · 1 year

Photo

prodigal son.

a sort of epilogue for God of War Ragnarok, since I miss these two so much.

support me on patreon

15K notes · View notes

quins-makeshift-menagerie · 5 months

Text

mmmmmMMMMMMM

#sigh #I wanted this break to be nice and relaxing #just allow myself to recharge maybe do some silly personal doodles #but we finally got the quote from the mechanic and it’s #it’s bad but it’s either get this repair or get an all new car we can’t afford #this whole month has been a terrible downward spiral and I’m #trying so hard #I’m not well #things aren’t letting up #I have no motivation to do anything enjoyable #nothing feels enjoyable #I just #I want to sleep forever #I don’t want to deal with this anymore #I still can’t seem to get a job #Q’s job is mentally destroying him because of the things he’s now being exposed to #but he’s been trying to get a new job since mid April #I #no longer feel any hope that things will get better #Christmas?#I feel no Christmas joy #I feel no joy #I picked a shit time to get off my meds but #I don’t know I’m tired of taking pills #there’s nothing wrong with needing them I get that but I just #I didn’t want that anymore #sorry I just needed to yell into the void before I lose my fucking mind #I’m fine things will be fine they’re always fine in the end they have to be

430 notes · View notes

jedi-enthusiast · 10 months

Text

Another out of context shitpost:

Wolffe: *waking up after having surgery* Arran: Hello Wolffe, I'm Arran. I'm going to be the healer taking care of you while you recover. Wolffe, still high off of anesthesia and trying to deal with the fact his Jedi healer is Fine™️: Damn, I should get injured more often. Fox, watching on the sidelines: *chokes*

665 notes · View notes

iraprince · 1 year

Text

well! i've exited my 20s. not gonna get goopy or graphic about it but this is a big deal for me bc for the vast majority of my life i did not think i was gonna get this far. now like once a day i distinctly have the thought "i'm so fucking glad i didn't kill myself"

i feel weird of course but im also really excited for my 30s. im excited to enjoy my marriage and to become better friends with myself and to make more art. thanks for being here and for being kind to me

#cw suicide mention #in past years i have requested no birthday greetings for personal trauma reasons #but ive been kind of trying to like. wean myself off that gently. bc i dont want to be sensitive abt/scared of my bday forever #so this year like. let em rip. i think its fine #also tumblr will not let me edit my pinned. im gonna be irritated if i have to remake it lmao. but ill deal w that tomorrow

459 notes · View notes

naamahdarling · 1 month

Text

.

#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months #i don't even remember the names of them all at this point #this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay #thst will also prescribe my adhd meds #and my anxiety meds #and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would #only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it #so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave #and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something #but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works #but that they morally object to i guess #and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like #what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that #I'll give her a nasty scrap about it #im not interested in those meds at all #and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best #and removing that would just make me worse #but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that #and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow #which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you #if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers #they just gotta pathologize!#so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever #i shouldn't have to deal with this

22 notes · View notes

hi-im-dori · 3 months

Text

my ship is setting sail figuratively and literally

starting hrt at sea call that transatlantic

anyway this is my last unadulterated by estrogen femboy friday i suppose 🏳️‍⚧️

thank you all for existing and i love you 💕

#femboy #196 #femboy friday #r196 #r/196 #alcoholic femboy #nonalcoholic femboy #this is a big fucking deal to me cos i spent near two decades thinking i’d never be here #and now it’s in front of me and i am starting and ahhhhhhhhhhhhh #i’m going on a cruise btw i have queue set up to drip feed you all for added serotonins #maybe i’ll take some pictures on the boat or in the bahamas if i work up the courage :3 #please leave me nice notes so i feel better about myself it’s my first photo in forever :c #wifi is expensive on cruises #pictures of me

21 notes · View notes

good-beanswrites · 7 months

Text

My translyrics for Salamander, written out under the cut :D

This one was much more difficult than the last, but I'm still very satisfied with it! 😤 I'm both sad that my version lost a lot of the fun soundplay of the original, and also waaay more impressed with the lyrics and vocals after digging it like this! I tried to keep it balanced between the original and Fuuta's version, though maybe it ended up leaning more toward the cover, idk. Leaving my specific notes in the tags 👍

Salamander~ Hot's nice, don't you agree? This pa- passion's fine, see?

"But" isn't what I wanna hear, so say "more" loud and clear.

It's heating up all through my mind when I'm with you.

I want a taste, but all this spice may prove more than I can take, (eh?)

Something's on your mind. So spit it out and tell me, don't waste my time, kay?

I'm hooked on this, pass me a dish.

The way I'm starving here without you -- it's a crime

A spicy treat, put on repeat,

Can I get seconds with the same heat? One more time!

Salamander~ Hot's nice, don't you agree? This pa- passion's fine, see?

"But" isn't what I wanna hear, so say "more" loud and clear.

It's heating up all through my mind when I'm with you.

I can't stop anything, although I wouldn't want to stop, oh no --

Take a breath, it's best to cool down or you earn yourself a burn.

I want a bite, I can't help giving in to this new appetite.

Again, again, I want to be on fire when I get to the end.

We live too fast, we burn to ash,

I never handled spices well and it's a crime.

A spicy treat, put on repeat,

Can I get seconds with the same heat? One more time!

I want to burn bright red

Salamander~ Hot's nice, don't you agree? This pa- passion's fine, see?

"But" isn't what I wanna hear, so say "more" loud and clear.

Tell me I'm not alone in my mind!

Salamander~ Look what's happened to me. This pa- passion's crazy

Tell me I'm not delirious, I'm being serious.

It's heating up all through my mind when I'm with you.

I can't stop anything, although I wouldn't want to stop, oh no --

Take a breath, it's best to cool down or you earn yourself a burn.

I want to leave I want to go, but I can never stop, oh no --

Take a breath, it's best to cool down or you earn yourself a burn.

#milgram #fuuta kajiyama #deco*27 #this time i can confidently say this is my fav milgram song lmao #literally the hardest line of the whole song was the very first one #still not 100% satisfied but compared to my dozens of draft lines its pretty good #i really wanted the 'po's to be within a word like the original and went digging through so many words with the sound in the middle LMAO #i wanted something focused more on heat/spice but alas it had to be passion -_-#there was very little space to get across the idea of 'its not a big deal right?' so i hope 'fine' conveys what i want it to hmm...#forever missing the sound of 'ripiccha itai/ piriccha itai' but the treat/repeat lines still worked out well!#so mad english doesnt have a nice onomatopoeia like 'fuu' :(#i needed to keep the long u to finish of the first stanza the long o in a few lines -- i absolutely love how arthur lounsbery sings those #my ace ass appreciates his commitment to singing such a steamy song so harsh and turning the seductive whispers into angry grumbling 😂#me too man #the struggle of trying to write fun food lines and going 'oh NO that sounds even dirtier now' 😭😭😭#i actually did record myself singing and i knew it was gonna be bad but it was Really Awful adsfdsfd so sorry #just take my word for it!!! it all works perfectly!!!#(once again if anyone wants to cover it hmu hehe :3)#oops spelled delirious wrong in my chart shhhhhh #lyrics

23 notes · View notes

possiblytracker · 6 months

Text

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/#i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer'#so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!!#now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side

18 notes · View notes

creepyscritches · 8 months

Text

Ramping up to my first family therapy appointment and I'm feeling like an insane person trying to get thoughts in order like this is hell on earth 🤡

#Creepy chatter #Trying to convince other parties that I don't have issues I can just 'get over' is maddening #'all these fucking things shaped me into who I am + I am desperate for a healthy relationship w myself and you and these forever factors'#vs someone insisting 'I want to deal w these things and move on and not have to talk about them again'#I am ALWAYS going to be affected by several of these things but they don't HAVE to hurt me to be a part of me #Also it really sucks being told you're The Most complicated relationship in someone's life like it's a bad thing :(#But like. Idk. I'm in such a shit phase of 'you're right I wasn't the nicest and I'm sorry for not respecting your feelings'#When mine have quite literally never get acknowledged beyond making me a problem 👁️👁️#This is why we need therapy!!!!#I don't want a therapist to take my side and I'm not trying to win any kind of argument #I just need a third party to fucking HELP ME

20 notes · View notes

dreamlogic · 2 months

Text

2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)

#ctxt #i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70%#i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections #to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh #going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long #while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time #but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed #to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach #and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me #and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually #i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op)#but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever #i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it #money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out #but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now #genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year #and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough #to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last #in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was #bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive #and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there #but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety #it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself'#and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time?#and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it #i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults #i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed #instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things #and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need #chronic blogging

15 notes · View notes

bylertruther · 1 year

Text

i don't like season three when viewing it as a continuation of seasons one and two, but i do very much like season three when viewing it as the prequel to seasons four and five... hmmmmm.

#rewatching it bc i wanted to make another foreshadowing compilation post for myself regarding what will's actions will #likely be in season five re: vecna and lmao. so many things are just... it's like. it makes me laugh how In Your Face it is now #that we know all that we know. so many direct parallels both with dialogue and actions. mike/will/lucas/el foreshadowing their s4 roles.#the flaying of the holloways and the creels. the dormancy / activation shit. the building shit. the natural progression of their arcs.#the different ways that their characters approach problem solving and how we see tht reinforced by s4. it's so fascinating #genuinely i think idk it was just such a big culture shock i guess u could say from 1 and 2 that it was hard to digest on its own for me #but now that 4 is in the same vein it's like Oh. Okay. Yeah no. I get it now. That's cool. I'm forever bitter but I get it and respect it.#3 4 and 5 are a package deal considering they also said 4 was like part 1 of 5.#it also makes sense bc the point of 3 was that everyone was changing and building themselves in a new way and that #includes vecna so. just so fascinating how they link everything and how their vision is so consistent with certain plots and characters #like. the lucas max mike n will + el involvement is right there. the idea that they have to kill vecna and not just his puppets is right #there. that 2nd point starts in season two but three is where it really turns into an ''the end justifies the means'' situation #(especially for will which i think is something a lot of people overlook but—)#s3 is painful when considering their personal character arcs but fucking delicious when considering the overarching supernatural vecna plot #bc thts also when he starts his ''there is no stopping this'' shtick and actually enters the story #and he's fucking slimy lol. which i Love #anyway. omg first i defended mike in the rain fight and now i'm saying i kind of like season three who the FUCK am i!!!!!#crazy what feeling the need to defend a white boy's honor will do to you 😳

39 notes · View notes

hayaku14 · 1 year

Text

pushing daisies kaishin au #1

shinichi was killed by aptx 4869 but for some reason kaito was in tropical land as well and passed by where shinichi's dead body was, touched him, and brought him back to life.

kaito is aware he can bring dead things back to life with one touch since he was a kid. he’s also aware that the second touch will kill it again. permanently.

he has most of his resurrection experiences with his doves and flowers

the thought that he could possibly resurrect a human did cross his mind but what's the use when the one person he wanted to bring back didn't even have a body left to touch

so sue him if he accidentally touches a dead body he previously thought was someone just passed out.

there's a noticeable red glow that shines on the stranger that has happened enough to his doves and flowers he revived before to know exactly what he has done.

shinichi wakes up disoriented but completely sure that the searing heat and the pain on his chest earlier should've killed him yet there he was, alive. with a splitting headache and a bad taste in his mouth, yes, but alive.

kaito dumbly opens with, "you're alive...oh FUCK, you were dead!"

shinichi who still can’t see straight says, “which one is it, i can’t tell.”

shinichi sits up and tries to steady himself on the wall but instead weakly flails his hand towards kaito.

"NO! DON’T TOUCH ME!"

“okay...i’m not sure if i’m dead or not but i’m pretty sure i’m not contagious.”

kaito puts on his KID gloves and pulls shinichi up who's still looking dazed and confused.

"listen, i know you're a little disoriented what with all th- shit! your head is bleeding. okay *deep breathes* come with me but do NOT touch me."

"you're the one holding my hand"

"not the UNCLOTHED parts of me"

"I wasn't planning to 😒"

"OH MY GOD 🙄"

i still have 2 other variations of pushing daises kaishin au left ;)

#kaishin #kuroba kaito #kudou shinichi #dcmk #detective conan #dc prattles #im not adding the 'someone else dies when you let someone you revived live for more than a minute' rule because im gods weakest soldier lmao #but that's also a really great factor to think about if you want to go the super very angsty route #anyways this been in the drafts since forever cos i havent finished the other 2 but oh well here you go have this silly au #also also toichi 'died' and there's no body so kaito won't even be able to revive him one last time ;-;#i say 'died' cos i dont really know if this man is really dead or not lmao #ANYWAYS now shinichi needs to disappear #idk how but shinichi ends up staying with kaito and also finding out that he's kid #shinichi describes to kaito that the people who did that to him were 'men in black' and immediately kaito assumes it might be snake and co #im thinking maybe since agasa isn't there to talk some sense into him that shinichi would be like 'im gonna hunt them down as myself!'#and kaito is like BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH #kaito gets frustrated and ends up vaguely implying that he knows who tried to kill him #OFC BEFORE ALL THIS SHINICHI QUESTIONS KAITO ABOUT WHAT TF HAPPENED COS HE'S 99.9% SURE HE WAS DEAD lol #again since im gods weakest soldier and pandora is deus ex machina my beloved LOL #a way to revive shinichi properly is through pandora or maybe make kaito lose his power #IDK I JUST WANT THEM TO KISS AND MAKE OUT SO PANDORA DO YOUR IMMORTALITY THING IDC!!!!!!#THAT FUCKING PLASTIC WRAP KISS FROM THE ACTUAL SHOW WONT FLY WITH ME I NEED KAISHIN SUCKING FACE LMAOOO #anyways theres 2 more different pushing daises kaishin au in the draftsssss #they get angstier ayooo!!!

104 notes · View notes

boomerang109 · 12 days

Text

.

#i really don’t mind that im the kind of aspec where idk if a relationship is in the cards for me #but it’s so hard trying to figure out my life and just knowing I’m no one’s first choice #and so much of that is just the societal bullshit around independence #but like. it would just be so much easier if i could just get in a relationship and then be like okay now you’re stuck with me #cause rn everything feels so much and so overwhelming and there’s absolutely no one there who has to deal with it other than me and that’s #so unfair. humans aren’t built to go through this life alone #but all I know is that im a burden and I can’t ask for more #I truly have yet to come up with a post graduation plan that doesn’t sound like it’ll make me wanna off myself and isn’t that just great #like oh yay the freedom of being out of school #so I can do anything I want except I don’t want to do anything I just want to disappear forever krjfjfjejsjeje #to delete

4 notes · View notes

beautifel · 6 months

Text

seems like my heart does nothing but break lately

#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level #for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her #still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions #Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later #jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this #not fair not fair at all this is evil #and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences #i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it #i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity #is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike #Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even #LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it #what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol #hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather #kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter #how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there #n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng #or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak #n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own #well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her

10 notes · View notes

libraryspectre · 5 months

Text

Looking under the rock that was hiding all my gender feelings has revealed a ridiculous number of worms to deal with but at least the issue feels settled internally. Im no longer having a weekly gender identity crisis. Im having fun new crises related to gender but im no longer vaguely unsettled with my identity

#i have a bad habit of hiding the answers from myself cause theyll be painful to deal with #so i know things i just take forever to admit them to myself #dude youre a guy now #maybe you were nonbinary in the past maybe you were even a girl #but you can let that go now #i stilllll am not sure i would describe myself as strictly binary but nonbinary no longer feels comfy as a label so im dropping it

13 notes · View notes

theygender · 1 year

Text

I've been trying to figure out and justify why I've been experiencing so much fatigue lately. At first I thought I may have developed anemia from my endometriosis making me bleed for 8 weeks straight but my blood tests came back fine. Maybe I'm just exhausted bc I had to work that entire time while actively sick? But I had quite a few days off to rest this month and I haven't been as sick recently, so what gives? Turns out I didn't need to look for an outside source. Apparently fatigue is one of THE most common symptoms of endo and it's just not mentioned often bc most doctors underestimate the impact fatigue can have on people's lives 🙃 The call is coming from inside the fucking house

#endometriosis #just decided to google if endo itself can cause fatigue and uh. turns out it fucking can!#one study im reading here had ~85% of participants with endo report pain. ~50% report heavy bleeding. and 100% report fatigue #that would make fatigue a more common symptom of endometriosis than the symptoms that DEFINE endometriosis #WHY have i never seen fatigue mentioned on any other resource before 😭 why did my DOCTOR not mention it #jk. one of the articles literally says that its under-discussed and under-researched bc most doctors dont think fatigue is a big deal #tell that to me sleeping through all of my fucking alarms missing class missing appointments and being late for work #rambling #at least i know now i guess #ive been having to explain myself to my professors and my boss and ive been correcting myself #to say 'fatigue from my chronic illness' instead of 'chronic fatigue' bc i didnt think this counted #but. looks like it fucking does. endo can cause chronic fatigue. fuck #can i just get this fucking hell machine taken out of me already #its not like im using it. and a month or two of recovering from surgery would be better than a forever of pain and gi issues and fatigue #menstruation tw

50 notes · View notes