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#i hate this but i'm tired and i give up<3
faetreides · 3 days
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do you think modern!coryo is the type of man to babytrap reader without them knowing ? like by poking holes in the condoms or by replacing reader’s birth control pills with fake ones…
n when you end up pregnant he’d pretend to act all surprised even tho it’s what he’s wanted all along 🙈
cw: no really explicit stuff (putting up the mdni banner regardless bc of the dark content but there is one mention of sex) but there is MAJOR dubcon pregnancy and baby trapping talk, typical coryo warnings especially for this au
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I've talked about this before, but i think baby trapping would be more of a last resort for him or at least wouldn't happen until he could weasel you out of school without you freaking out. Obviously if your relationship was falling apart fast enough before he planned to have kids, he'd make the decision to speed up the process. Coryo's one of those bfs who don't fuck with condoms because he wants to be "close", so I think that he'd go for the swapping birth control pills route.
So, it's either happening earlier in your relationship if he thinks he really needs to prove that what you have is forever & that he's committed, or it happens 2-3 years down the line when he has a more solid hold on you. When it goes down depends on how reluctant you are to commit.
He knows that it's such a hassle finding the right pill for your body. you have to be so consistent, and the hormones/side effects could easily have you thinking they're not worth it if the side effects are bad enough. But if you've found one that's.... fine (you're convinced no pill's going to be 100% perfect & you're tired of trying), then he'd have a harder time getting you off of them.
He'll get a bottle of those sugar pills and swap them with the birth control while you're sleeping. you don't really notice a difference in the sex because let's be real, he's just always like that and the breeding kink is severe. Coryo doesn't act any different, he doesn't have to. Even if this is happening in a timeline where it's far earlier than he planned, it's what he wants, and the satisfaction gives him the glow he knows you're going to have too sooner or later.
One day he gets a phone call from you in the middle of the night and somehow, he just knows it's you because he immediately springs up. You hate phone calls and almost always prefer to text unless you literally have to call someone, so the fact that it must be something serious makes the butterflies in his stomach flutter. Coryo clears his throat and calmly tells you to stay put in your dorm and to wait for him to pick you up, he soothes you through your crying and assures you that he'll send someone over to pick your stuff up and no one will notice.
Once he's gotten you drowning in his silk sheets, he's trying to hold back his smile as he rubs your back and kisses your temple.
"What's wrong, petal? it breaks my heart seeing you all worked up like this."
He frowns genuinely when you don't respond but then you bring a shaky fist in front of him and start to uncurl your fingers around whatever you're holding.
You speak once you've calmed down enough, with a desperate tone as it becomes obvious what's in your hand.
"I- I'm so sorry, Coryo. I didn't mean for this happened at all and I'd never do anything to hurt your future. I- I'm on the pill and I know it's not completely effective, but I never thought that this would happen so soon."
It's adorable, in a way. Of course you didn't mean for this to happen, but he did. And you honestly thought that this was going to ruin his life, you're so sweet, but how could he care about tabloids or gossiping students when he'll have his family to focus on? his grandma'am will be so happy too, his father will just be glad he has an heir.
Still, he lets shock color his face as his mouth drops open. He glances between the pregnancy test and your shaking body several times before making a production out of sighing and gathering his strength. Coryo tenderly encapsulates your hands in his own and presses his forehead against yours.
"There's nothing you could do that would make me not want you and this baby. Yes, we're young and this was an accident, but it doesn't mean that we can't do this. You don't have to be afraid, bunny, you're never going to be alone." His words are firm, so sure of what he's saying that he can actually see the reluctance and fear in your eyes be replaced with certainty and excitement.
He's too serious to say "it's uterUS, babe" but he's so determined to fuse with you so it's basically the sentiment. convinced he gets sympathy pains but hides it. Whispers to your belly when you're asleep about how much he loves you and likes the baby & how perfect of a family he'll be & that he knows the baby's going to be the best older sibling. I've also said before that he'd a toxic boy dad imo, (not in the excusing 🍇way dw, he'd kick his son's ass and say that you can be as obsessive over your partner as you want but you don't do that) so he would tolerate the kid but at the end of the day they're fighting for your attention. I haven't really thought about if he'd use the kid to "innocently" keep tabs on you or further manipulate you by making sure you see how good of a dad he is, but the ideas are there.
First pregnancy gives y'all one kid but the second brings twins.
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ⓒ faetreides 2024
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vssail · 2 days
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aventurine x fem! reader
warnings: boss x secretary, VERY out of character, reader is tired of avens gambling addiction
this is my first post here and also my first time trying to write something in english that isn't for school, so sorry if there are mistakes. hope someone likes it!
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Many times you regretted picking up this job.
It was the 10th missing call you left to Aventurine. As always, he didn't picked the phone.
Sighing, you got up from your confy bed. You didn't even bother to change to proper clothes, judging by the time, almost 3 am, everyone at the casino would be too drunk to notice some girl walking in there in sleeping clothes. Your priority right now was to take Aventurine out of there and go back to your confy bed.
After a short ride in your car, you got in that demonic place. The bright lights were blinding you. You really hated casinos.
You didn't have to search too much to find the man you were looking for. A fight in the poker table was the only necessary hint you needed to find your boss. When you reached the scene, it was the same as always: some looser that doesn't accept his bad luck.
"There's no way you won five rounds in a row!" a guy shouted while holding the little peacock of your boss by the shirt collar.
This always happened, and you always appeared to save him from a beating. But this night you were tired, tired of all the paperwork he gave you last minute, tires of staying up because he didn't want to pick his fucking phone, tired for having to take the car at 3 am and tired of seeing the same scene every freaking night.
He saw you behind the guy, and a proud smile appeared on his face, thinking that you were going to save him like always. You could see his face change when he saw the guy holding him and you not moving to stop him. In your mind, this would be a good lesson for him to stop his bad habits.
Then, the first punch came, making his glasses to fly away of his face. That was the fact that changed your decision of not doing anything. With his eyes exposed to the angry looser, what you expected that was going to be some punches was going to turn into another thing beyond a game.
"A damn Avgin, I knew you were a liar!" he said. You could see your boss looking for you while trying to recover from the punch.
"I'm gonna beat you so hard that you-" he stopped talking to scream in pain from your sudden grip on his arm.
"He what, little fucker?" You encouradged him to continue. Aventurine was suddenly at your side, with that horrible proud smile again in his face.
After giving the guy a little warning to never mess up with your boss, you let him go.
"For a moment I though you were going to let me on my own" he joked.
"I was" you simply said, getting out of that damn place. You knew he would follow you.
"What?!" he shouted, stopping you in the hall of the casino "Why would you let that man beat me up? You know that if I'm dead, you won't be paid, right?"
Before speaking, you took a long, long breath, so you wouldn't scream at him.
"In my contract there's nothing about saving my boss at 3 am in casinos" you breathed again ", there's nothing about risking my own life to save him from fights." you didn't breathe this time "Do you know how much I sleep beetwin finishing the work that you give me in the last minute and searching for you?! For the love of the Aeons, I'm a secretary! I shouldn't be beating people up for you!"
You didn't notice, but you started crying in the first sentence. And you wouldn't notice if he didn't wipe the tears at your cheeks. You were too angry to let him touch you, and tried to push him away, but he got close again and hugged you. This time, you just accepted the hug, but didn't hug him back.
"I didn't know I was causing you so much stress and trouble," he whispered in your ear "I'm sorry for everything"
"Being sorry isn't enough"
"I know, just as you know that I can't promise you to stop gambling" he separated from you to see your face, and took off his jacket to put it over you (you didn't realise you were trembling) "but I can promise you that I'll try to control myself"
You didn't reply, just buried your face on his neck and hug him.
"When I started working with you and saw you risking your life like it is nothing, I wonder if you knew what self-love is" you asked, holding him tighter
"Why would I care about risking my life when no one cares?"
"I'm gonna kill you" you broke the hug and prepared to beat him.
"Wait wait wait, it's not the same as what I mean" he got away from you "you only care because I'm your boss"
"You little..." you breathed to calm yourself down "If i only cared about you professionaly, I wouldn't go to casinos in the middle of the night in sleeping clothes only to look for you and make sure that you're okay. You don't pay me enough to do all that shit"
He seemed to think about what you said.
"Do you mean that you do that because you care about me?"
He looked at you like he just had discovered a whole new galaxy.
"Yes"
"In a loving way?"
"Maybe, can we go now?" you started to get embarassed of all this sudden confession.
"Wait" he holded you, one hand in your arm and other on your cheek "That means that I can kiss you?"
You easily got away from his hold.
"Yes, but not tonight" you started to go to your car, taking your keys to open it "You won't get a kiss until you return every missing call that I left you this week"
"Oh, common!" he run after you, unable to hold back the genuine smile that appeared in his face.
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I really went out of character but hope that someone likes this.
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groguspicklejar · 3 days
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tldr: due to my clinical depression and crippling anxiety, i got triggered by an optimist who didn't validate me in my moment of vulnerability.
don't read unless you want to see the ugly side of me.
i swear to god, optimistic people either scare me or annoy the fuck out of me.
and this is not coming from a place of like "oh, let me dampen this person's mood with my negative thoughts, opinions and feelings just for kicks" or "i genuinely hate this person's energy and i hope they die in a ditch" no. none of that. lemme explain.
mostly, it's coming from a place of "all of these atrocities happening around you and either choose blissful ignorance or you see them and your first thought is 'eh, it'll all work out in the end for us' is either slightly or extremely toxic in the sense of you become tone deaf to other people's negative thoughts, feelings and experiences, to the point where you might even completely disregard and invalidate them despite them being vulnerable and telling you very detailed and personal things about themselves" and i fucking hate you for it.
i think my mother is the same way but i can't exactly be sure because she's gaslighted me about certain things so many times into feeling like things weren't as bad as i made them seem when they really might have been three times as bad.
but this one guy, who's a friend of mine, really showed me that he has that exact mentality and i'm starting to hate him for it.
because how do you hear a friend of yours explain to you that their college experience wasn't as good as yours because it wasn't what they signed up for, they weren't physically, mentally, emotionally and financially prepared for it, so they had to drop out of college because they simply could not keep up with the standard required so now they don't miss any of that shit that they went through.
and your first response is "oh, give it a couple of months, you'll start to miss it😃" like—
bitch, shut up. SHUT THE FUCK UP. stop fucking talking right now before i go over there just to throw a cinderblock on your fucking face. repeatedly. until you stop fucking breathing. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
i've never been more angry or just fucking done because i've been made to feel like shit every time i have to disclose the fact that i had to drop out of college because even though i explain from a to z of how it even got to that point, nobody seems to want to fucking hear me.
this guy finished college just recently, he was a year above me so he didn't go through the absurd changes in curriculum as i did so he doesn't even fucking know what i had to deal with. and i get that everyone is entitled to an opinion and you're allowed to disagree but to say "oh, you'll miss it" after i spent how many minutes of my life explaining how i got fucked over into wasting 3½ years of my life on a by a college system that wasn't completely transparent from the fucking beginning and chose to change things for the worst as time went on🚮
like at that point, just shut up. please. for the love of god. i've been bullied enough over this. i don't need to be gaslit into thinking i'll miss anything or anyone anymore. i'm so tired.
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onlyhere-onlynow · 2 days
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Hi, sweet El. I think you could give a very good answer to my "worries". (Forgive me in advance for my ignorance in mentioning life as if it were serious) I used to think about assumptions, now there is nothing to be done about non-dualism at all. I as a body was attached to my significant others and an ex who is now with another girl. My concern in this world is people and honestly they are all hurting me, it makes me very sad to see this "physical" reality. I also in my head(reality too?) see the love of these people...I also think about my self worth and self love, very sad a little bit. (I had toxic parents who I wanted to replace with new and better ones by visualizing them in my head. I mean delulu, delusional. I had classmates at school who bullied me, a best friend who looked at my status and turned out to hate me. A boyfriend who cheated with another girl.) I'm starting to hate people...
Wow, okay… Slow down. Some tough love is needed here, and to whoever needs it (most of you all, probably).
Can you notice how thinking that you’re a separate individual from it all brings suffering? “This world is hurting me”, “People are hurting me”, “This past is hurting me”! … Really? I mean, that coming from the absolute authority, I don’t know if I should be impressed by your acting skills or feel second hand embarrassment…
I can’t even express how wonderful you are in words, your truth! Boundless, limitless, the “IT” of it all… And you have this attitude? Playing the victim? Wow… Aren’t you tired? Because, believe me, I know the victim complex can be sooo comfortable. I’ve been there, but it’s actually so silly once you notice it all! Like when I was little I pretended to pour ketchup all over my body and play dead. Man, cut it out…
Seriously, you decide to pretend to be this tiny person in such a “big, cruel world”? Because that’s not who you really are… Tell me, is it fun? Maybe it is, it seems like it…, but guess what? You’ll grow bored of it just like most of us did. Can you have some trust in yourself and see who you actually are, how things actually are?
C’MON, CRY IF YOU WANT TO CRY, BUT PICK YOURSELF UP AFTER. YOU NO VICTIM, NO PERSON, NO NOTHING!
have a good day <3 :3
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Out of the blue
König x reader (y/n).
Your best friend convinced you to subscribe on a dating app, you don't have expectations but you're keeping an open mind, on the other hand, König is pretty much in the same situation, Horangi and other guys insisted to him, none of you were expecting a wonderful night.
Warning: age gap, reader is in mid 20's. Grammatical and spelling errors. I think there's no mention of a specific gender but if I wrote some I apologize.
I hope you can enjoy it, as always perhaps it is not a good story but I'm sure someone out there will love this. 🩷
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You're sitting, scrolling through the phone, your friends are at a party with a rugby team in a discotheque, your best friend has been insisting, calling you and texting you, even making video calls.
- Y/n please! You have to join us! You can't rot at home every Friday night!
- Working 9 to 5 is exhausting, I pass.
- What will you do tonight if you're not going to have a party or something?
Suddenly a new notification popped on your phone «Someone wants to meet you, Match or reject» then a text «Hi, would you like to go to dinner?»
- Y/N?
- Oh, I... I actually will go to dinner with a guy from that app... Remember?
- Y/N, please be careful, if you go... Send me your location and if something goes wrong call me, ok?
- Yes, mom! I love you, bye!
- Bye-bye!
As soon as you hang up the phone, you open the app and give him a «it's a match!» then responded his text «Hi, for sure, at your house or mine or any restaurant?».
Meanwhile König is sitting in the dining room of his apartment, lonely, he doesn't understand why he listened to Horangi and the rest of the guys.
- This is stupid...
He muttered to himself, he's waiting for your reply, you're the only one that he has sent solitude, nobody else. He's regretting his actions but then, you texted him back, after reading your message he wonders what would be the best option. He stood up and went to the fridge, there was only mustard, a tomato and a beer. Checking in the rest of the kitchen, there's nothing else.
It would be good to go to some restaurant but what if you feel afraid of him? He's massive, the scars on his face, his insecurities are eating him alive.
«i hope you don't mind, your profile doesn't have a photo, may I see a pic?»
-Scheisse.
Would be rude if he says no, also would ruin his chance with someone attractive as you. Oh, how much he hates this, why does he have to be so shy?.
«Ja, no problem, give me a minute :)»
«Thanks, take your time <3»
And actually he's taking a lot of time, is just a simple selfie, that's what he has been saying to himself. After 28 photos he's exhausted, tired and desperate, he doesn't know how to pose for a photo, how not to look intimidating, everything is getting worse in his mind, what if you think he's not what you're looking for? He didn't change his gym clothes, he looks like a mess, also, what if you feel afraid of him and just accept to go on this dinner because you're scared to cancel.
- AHHHH! Scheisse! Ok. Fuck off, let's send all of them.
He's afraid of your answer, he threw the phone to the table.
You're starting to worry, what if he's a fake profile? He's taking too long. Almost 40 minutes, you're considering simply not replying anymore when your phone rings.
«Kö: sent 28 new photos 📷»
Oh god, you hope those are not spicy photos or something. You opened the chat, ready to block him if those are hot pics, but no, Holy Jesus Christ, who is this man? He's tall, wearing shorts and a compression shirt, all black, his entire body looks muscular and strong, then his hair, he has a lot of hair for someone of his age, let's admit it, a lot of men start to lose hair after their 30's- 40's, but he looks good, you make a zoom to observe his face cautiously, there's some scars but if you have to be honest, those scars only makes him more attractive, his eyes are tired but blue like the sky, it only gets better and better. Definitely you can't reject him.
At this point, König is biting his nails, he's feeling very anxious, he hears his phone ringing, fuck, fuck, fuck, he's nervous, he could break easily the spine of the enemy, jump from a plane, disassemble a bomb, even fight against a bear, all that without any anxiety, but this, no, he can't.
He took the phone and went to your chat.
«Y/n: Oh god, you're very handsome» «So, where we will go to dinner? ;) »
He can't believe what he's reading, what did you say? He reads it again, no fucking way. Then he sees you're still on the chat waiting for a response.
«We can go to a good restaurant... If you're ok with that. What do you think?»
«Perfect, you can pick the restaurant, send me the location and I'll see you outside! ;D»
«Kö: sent a location 📍» «Ok, I'll see you at 9 Pm, ja?»
«See you! P.S. I'm excited! :D»
He sent the location of a small Italian restaurant close to the city center, which is expensive but he has a hunch about this night and also he doesn't mind spending much money, after all, he has been working hard for it.
You investigate the place, Italian food, your favorite food, the place looks really nice, casual, you like that. You change clothes and get ready, lucky for you, you live not so far from the center, it'll take you 18 minutes to arrive at the restaurant. You're not nervous, you're actually very excited, for the first time in months you're truly excited to have a date, maybe it will be a mess or... Maybe not, who knows? You keep that open mind and that optimism.
König arrived on time. He's checking his phone to see if you texted him while he was on the way, but no. He can't avoid thinking that maybe you will not come or something happened to you, he could be more polite and offered to pick you up at your home and arrive together. He's cursing himself when a sweet voice brings him back to reality.
- Hey
- Oh, hi... I'm König.
- König?
- Ja... (fuck, you maybe think he's giving you a fake name or something, god somebody save him!)
- It's very original, I like it, I'm y/n.
You're too kind, you're even giving him a big smile.
- Nice to meet you, y/n, I like your name too.
- Thank you! So what if we continue this conversation inside?... Let's go, I don't want to be rude but I'm so hungry!
- Sure, let's go, I'm hungry too.
As soon as you sit, there's a connection, you talk a lot, he laughs and laughs, the dinner is delicious, both share their food with each other, drinking beer and enjoying the moment, he talks to you about his job, just a little but you're fascinated by him and everything he's telling you.
(...) «No! I swear! I did a lot of sports and activities when I was a kid!» (...) «Ja! We were Falling and he didn't wake up! The plane was in flames and he was sleeping like a baby!» (...) «No, I was at home while my parents were at parties and doing all that was actually expected from someone of my age!» «Rugby and Hockey, beers and whiskey, those are my favorites!» (...) «Ja! I play that one too, I have a PC and PS and an Xbox» (...)
By the end of the dinner you and König are almost alone in the restaurant, the waitress comes to tell you they will close soon so König asks for the bill, you offer him to pay the half but he insists it's on him.
Once out, you don't want to go home, neither him but he doesn't know where else to go.
- I have an idea. Let's go, I'll take you to a cool bar that I like to visit sometimes.
- If it is a discotheque or something like that I think I prefer to walk around the city if you don't mind Schatz.
- Oh god, no, König, trust me, you will like this place.
Both are walking side to side, still talking and laughing, you don't have a clue about how much he's enjoying this moment, he's so focused on you that he has forgotten about all the people around who occasionally observe both. You're less shy or introverted than him, he likes that, you're funny, smart, pretty and full of stories.
Finally, you stop in front of a white door with a neon sign "The old dog's Bar", you take his hand and get inside.
There are not many people, it is dark, the illumination in the place is not the best, but it brings a good vibe, the people around are more old than young, the bartender is an old man, very charming.
- Hey Frank!
- Y/n! Welcome, would you like something to drink?
- Sure, whiskey for me and my friend, please, i saw tonight is a band playing, are they still here?
- sure, go, take a seat darling, they took a break but they'll be back soon.
You and König are sitting close to the small scenario, still talking, your drinks are on the table already.
- you will love this, I promise!
- How did you find this place?
- I was passing by one day, and Frank was trying to get some clients, I thought he was a very charming man so I decided to give this place a chance and I instantly fell in love.
- You're very interesting, young people like you maybe prefer to be somewhere else with more activity or something, but not you. You're beautiful, funny, you're smart... What else do I have to know about you, Schatz?
You blush and laugh.
- I'm full of surprises as much as you König! Oh, wait, I have to go to the bathroom, keep an eye on my drink please, I'll be back!
Once you're in the bathroom you text your friend to tell her you're having a wonderful night and that he's interesting and attractive. You were walking back to the table when you heard some guys talking.
«What will we do? I don't know, I'm not too good at playing it!!»
You continued walking and finally you sat, König is staring at you, he's lost in his thoughts observing you until the sound of the band in the scenario interrupts.
- Hey, we're back, we want to thank everyone who's here listening to us, thank you so much! We're close to finishing the show but our guitarist had an inconvenience and left, so, is there someone in the crowd who can help us?
You look around and the few people who are there are still sitting, apparently no one knows or maybe they're shy or not sure about standing up and helping the band. You sigh and look at König, he gives you a shy smile but for you that's enough to give you courage, you stand up from your seat.
- I can do it!
- Oh, sure come here, thank you so much for helping us!
You put your phone and some rings on the table and give a sip to your drink, you look at König once again and without thinking too much you squeeze his shoulder and whisper «I'll be back».
The guys from the band ask you some things about if you know some of the songs on their repertoire, fortunately, you know them well.
- (...) what about the solo guitar on 'Free bird'? Would you do it?
- Trust me, you won't regret it! Also I promised my friend a wonderful night, so... Let's do this.
Some songs by Fleetwood Mac, guns and roses, Red hot chili peppers, Toto, eagles, Depeche mode and finally the song you've been waiting for, Free bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd, you're nervous, you don't really know if you will do it. But just a quick look at König is enough for you to give your best.
König never stopped to look at you, he has been staring at you since you stood up on the scenario with that beautiful black Fender squier classic vibe, he's paying attention to the way you play, indeed, you're nervous but he feels somehow very proud, you're giving the best of you.
He doesn't know why, but he feels like he needs to take a photo of you, maybe the light over you gives you an angelical view, or is his point of view, he doesn't know but he needs to show you how you looked after the show.
You're brilliant, you don't understand how your fingers are moving in that velocity, it has been a while since you played guitar, but you're doing it great, your quick looks to the band and the people around tell you that even they are impressed by your skills.
At the end of the show you run to König smiling and still a little bit shocked by what you did a few moments ago.
It was almost 3 am, you've been out all night, you don't even feel tired, either König, he can't stop talking about the way you played guitar, he's charming, he told you he's shy and don't enjoy to be around many people or talk too much but with you he has been really sweet, open and a truly gentleman. He offered to walk with you and take you to your house, he doesn't feel good letting you go alone.
- I would love to repeat this, König you're a gentleman, I've had much fun and the dinner was really delicious!
- Ja, me too, you're amazing, I won't stop saying it, you were brilliant. I took a picture and a video of you playing, I'll send them to you later!
- Thanks, I promise you this is the best night of my life...
- I... I would like to have a second date too.
- For real?
- Ja, I mean if you don't mind that I'm... You know, perhaps too old for you.
- Are you kidding!? König, you don't even look old! You look better than people with the same age as me, you're thousand times more interesting than them and I already said it, I would love to repeat this!
- Gut!, I'll be working a lot this month though, but we can organize another date, check our schedules and all that.
- For sure, whenever you can, I'll be ready! Well... This is where I live.
Both walked to the door of your building, and talked a little bit more, he kissed your hand and then both said goodbye. You were closing the door of your apartment when your phone buzzed, you checked all the notifications, one was from König.
«Kö: Sent a new photo 📷 , sent a new video 📷»
You were looking at them when a new message appeared on the chat.
« I can't wait to see you again, Liebling. Thanks for the most amazing night of my life, sweet dreams Mein Schatz :D»
Needless to say that you jumped and ran through your apartment like a child on Christmas. You and König had more and more dates, eventually a first kiss, a first anniversary, etc.
Who said you can't find true love on dating apps?.
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demoncity · 1 year
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Over the Garden Wall, 2014 ━ Hard Times at the Huskin' Bee
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aberooski · 5 days
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If I take a second to breathe and think and 3 seconds into it someone calls me over the radio to come clean something they could do themselves again I'm going to actually scream
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letterstotheflre · 10 months
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why does my mom look at me like she's disappointed every time i tell her i'm going out w a guy
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autisticlee · 10 months
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it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!
i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"
why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)
ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!
this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!
why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.
#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc#but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them#AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING#that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too#perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well#that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less#i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever#but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends#what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one#this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it#lee rambles#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#autistic friendship#friendship problems#loneliness#communication#cptsd#rsd#the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃
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I got a job in my field but I had to turn it down because they simply weren't offering enough money. It's beyond insulting to be offered minimum wage when I have a master's degree and relevant work experience.
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starberry-skies · 1 year
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sooooo glad that every other person i encounter online hates at least one facet of my identity that's sooooooo cool i loveeeeee being like this.
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inkskinned · 1 year
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"the curtains weren't blue on purpose. why should we care?"
my love! let me ask you this - did you eat breakfast today? this tiny moment in your life. just think about it. did you?
for some of you, the answer is yes and for some of you it is technically and for some of you it is does coffee count. some of you reached for cereal or gmo-free overnight oats or frozen waffles or 3-day-old pizza. sometimes we eat the same thing, every day, for weeks. i get tired of eggs randomly, only to go back to craving them desperately. i'm cuban; i take my coffee like my father showed me, very milky and sweet.
some of us ate in a hurry. some of us hate eating breakfast but if we don't we will get nauseous later. some of us took our meds first or took our meds after. some of us have a kitchen 5 feet wide and sometimes it's the biggest room in the house. some of us are confident there will be food in the pantry and some of us flinch and say well, the paycheck is coming. some of us turn on a podcast while we eat or we scroll our phones or write in our diaries.
some of us are choosing, specifically, not to eat breakfast. some of us are too busy. some of us are pretending we "just forgot," but we are ignoring the warning signs that everything feels too-heavy. some of us are so consumed with anxiety or grief that we can't eat. some of us can't stand up long enough to make our coffee. some of us have no table to sit down and eat.
i cannot tell you what an artist "meant" by their choices. but they did have to make a choice, conscious or otherwise, to give you information. to give you a little bit more light. each of these choices are little stars of data; connecting speckles for you to weave through, drawing a line.
you cannot use a mirror in a dark room. for some of us; we will not care that the curtains are blue, because that will just be a data point and not enough light to see by. for some of us, the blue curtains will be the same as our childhood bedroom. it will make us seasick. for some of us, blue will be the color of frostbite. it might look like a pixel up close; but from a distance, oh! the picture blooms.
i cannot tell you what will stick out for you. what will carry meaning. some of you will read the sentence "i didn't have breakfast today" and say "this means nothing." some of you will read that and say "oh, me neither." some of you will say "this means the character is probably a little grouchy." some of you will say "oh, i wonder if they're okay. why didn't they eat anything?" ... art is a mirror. i am holding hands with you, over space and time, and asking you to feel something with me.
i want you to read my work and find a blue pair of curtains. i want you to read my work and find things in it that i never imagined placing. i have no way of knowing what will resonate with you, that's true. and maybe i just was hungry while i wrote this, and thinking about the eggs in my fridge. but if you found meaning, that meaning is yours. it cannot be erased just because i didn't "intend" it. you created a different world by interpreting my work. it's collaborative! that's beautiful! that's stunning!
just! imagine looking at the night sky and saying - it's stupid to have a favorite constellation or a favorite star. they're just there.
because here's the thing - across centuries and cultures, we look up. we still find meaning in the stars. these beautiful, lovely scattered accidents. are you looking? they call. and we look back and say oh! of course we are!
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pyrriax · 1 year
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what if i just waited to post stuff until i've got my current three Ideas written
just post em all back to back and then sleep for a week
[ !! venting in the tags !! ]
#haunted ecosystem#haunt's feeling: a lil burnt out! been writing a bunch for literally going on four months stragiht#i mean the state of the world is NOT helping with this fact. plus also uuuuuuh trauma anniversary kicking me in the nuts rn#normally i dont mention that shit but it is def hitting me hard. we stay silly tho i'm just mega tired rn#might just designate myself a two week break again and relax a lil. i've been on a like. kinda drawing kick? i hate drawing though#i really wanna just watch another pov of outsiders and just think abt silly aus. i love coming up with stuff for wtds but ALSO i just. wa.#lotta thoughts. words just arent quite working!#we're approaching the final stretch and so much of this is so specific in my head that i don't wanna mess it up#also like this one stupid comment that wasn't even mean is just eat at me and i wish it wasn't lol#usually the comments are just funny but like. idk. it was a neutral/negative thing and was the first response i heard abt that chapter#which sucks! i love chapter 20! it was half the fucking reason i wanted to write wtds!#i wanted to share what lead up to that :( i wanted to share the story and the everything and just. ugh.#that stupid comment had me rethinking posting it. which. sucks.#rsd hits like bricks when you aren't mentally prepared for negative feedback#uuuuuuuuh#sorry i just. needed to say it#sorry for venting in tags </3#ok yeah my words are just giving up on me im gonna just close my laptop and go do. something#maybe just watch some streams and remake my bed.#that reminds me i really should stop sleeping on the floor. that's more mental energy than i have rn though so.#i guess i'll change the sheets and see how i feel. not being on the floor would probably be a good idea#ok im just gonna#added a warning in the post lol#normally i try and keep my blog light hearted!! i want to keep my blog light hearted but. sometimes its just how it is#i might end up scrapping some of the work i did because i accidentally projected some shit onto pandora that. doesnt fit ig?#it was an accident but it happened anyway#love the lines. not sure they work.#i should finish that one fic that's been rotting in my drafts. c!emduo is something i haven't written in literally a year#project on a character i CAN project on.#anyways i'm gonna post this and just. close tumblr. im tired
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cicadidae-tm9899 · 1 year
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the emotional whiplash i’ve been putting myself through for the last like 7 hours is insane.
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