#i guess isn't a thing anymore
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the lamb: yall mind if i explode into tentacles
havin a little fun with the lamb and potential tentacle body horror because i think sometimes they should be gross. why SHOULDN'T these God creatures be an affront to the nature of creation
#cult of the lamb#cult of the lamb fanart#cotl lamb#cotl narinder#cotl oc#cotl fanart#i was just like what if the lamb was like a gross resident evil enemy#*gasps softly* las plagas cultist.......#also i headcanon that narinder can still do that gross face thing but he can't do much else. so he just bothers everyone with it#everyone eventually gets used to it and narinder is like FINE i guess no one appreciates theatrics anymore. fuck off.#the lamb as disgusting and monstrous as ever: hey stop scaring her she's very sensitive :(#neves: *isn't paying attention to the sermon* why is there goo everywhere i hate it here#every sermon has a splash zone. pray u are not in it#U can tell how I got progressively lazier drawing. Sorry.#*continues to shove my oc in your faces*#my art
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Fav father daughter duo ✨️❄️
#art#resident evil 8#resident evil#re8#resident evil village#i think they should've done a face reveal for Ethan in the dlc btw#i know we already know what his face looks like but i feel like story wise it would've made sense for him to be able to show his face#in the mold dimension. like. he's already dead. his things over#he has sparkle powers now he's not fucked up anymore#kind of#anyway#ethan winters#rose winters#the dlc felt a bit short but like. its a dlc. so is to be expected#i wish we got more rose content tho. i hope we do get more rose content#im excited for whatever comes next either way though#i like that they let rose be a little gross and scary like her dad. they're both sooo stupid too <3#i also LOVE that Ethan has sparkle powers in the afterlife.or well. mold. memory. whatever#I'm just imagining all the lords in the mold being like. damn well i guess this isn't so bad. then miranda shows up#and heisenburg is like fuck! and then Ethan shows up and everyone is like fuck!!#like what do they do? kill eachother again? they're already dead#i guess miranda like. killed all the other lords kinda and used them to make the evil duke?? unless i completely misread her notes#I'm gonna go check. then I'm gonna stop typing whole paragraphs in the tags. see ya#art of duck
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DARTE77 - SHIRT TIED AROUND WAIST SHIRT
All credits goes to @darte77! Original here
Top for For YA-A Males
Catagories: Everyday, Formal, Athletic, Career, Outerwear
VERY HIGH POLY : 11.3k
2 Swatches: the jacket has 2 different textures. cloth and denim
Fully Recolorable: 4 channels
Custom thumbnail
includes All Morphs, All LODS and is disabled for random
swatches + color channel breakdown under the cut
Converted by @elitisim
TAGGING: @pis3update, @wanderingsimsfinds, @sssvitlanz, @kpccfinds
[DOWNLOAD 2048x] [DOWNLOAD 1024x]
Cloth Texture Tied Jacket
Channel 1: Shirt
Channel2: Tied Jacket
Channel 3: Shirt Pocket
Channel 4: Buttons
Preset 2: Denim/Jean Jacket Texture Tied Jacket
Channel 1: Shirt
Channel 2: Denim Tied Jacket Channel
3: Shirt Pocket Channel
4: Buttons
#ts3cc#s3cc#ts3 cc#ts3 download#ts3#s3 cc#ts3 dl#s3 dl#sims 3#DARTE77#4t3#sims3cc#ts4 conversion#Darte's probably sick of me tagging them so the the next thing will be some female CC from a different creator#unless i figure out how I wanna do my black history month surprise thing#which i guess isn't a surprise anymore but i don't think anyone actually reads my tags anyways so 🤷🏾♀️#[MINE]#elite posts
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I hate and love that my comic scratches the ultimate itch of the sort of narrative I want to consume because on the one hand, I love working on it and it is fully my Essence. But on the other hand, when I want to unwind and am craving a particular Type Of Story only to remember that it doesn't exist I'm just like......do I gotta do everything myself?
#it's not even that gtw is like.....particularly original#I guess melville just Won at the setting and everyone else was like 'okay we don't gotta do anymore'#that's why I read whaling journals IT IS ALL THAT WILL PARTIALLY SCRATCH THE ITCH#that isn't my own comic#all I've got is melville adaptations / things about the essex which are basically clinging to melville too#(don't get me wrong I love moby dick but...i want a new story!!)#aaaand the North Water which I just....didn't like at all lol. the book and the show#and the terror....the terror has similar vibes to what gtw will be but I can only rewatch the terror so often
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I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain
Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it
i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)
really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!
undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.
i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.
people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.
peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.
it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."
so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.
people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.
autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.
#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before#and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.”#and that made sense to me i think.#but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing.#and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much.#and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed#and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology.#i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now.#and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be??#i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe.#will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore??#maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know.#i don't know what it'll mean for me.#but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way#i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think#i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed.#because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people.#peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing.#there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing.#it's a product of all of his things.#just like me! just like everyone.#so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways.#a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be.#i don't think it's something that can be simplified.#sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags.#i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual.#sci speaks
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You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.
It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.
#positivity#mental health#mental health support#gentle reminders#this is something i struggle with myself so that's why i said i empathize (well... i guess as much as you CAN empathize)#(because even if you have gone through the same thing... it's not going to look the same as somebody else going through that)#(and while it can be valuable to express empathy it doesn't mean you truly 'get it' from the other person's point of view)#i struggle sometimes not to feel like my body is fucking with me because sometimes i expect it to function at bare minimum#or i just assume that when it is in debilitating pain that it's just... somehow to fuck with me and i am cognizant that this isn't true#i am cognitively aware that the body isn't Specifically Designed to have a Fuck With You mode even if it feels like it#but my experiences with disabilities and general unwellness made it easy for me to alienate myself from my body#in order to preserve myself i felt the need to separate myself from every flaw (or 'flaw') i have#so when people are confused about why you could mistrust your /own body/ it's stuff like this that can somewhat illustrate it#i think we don't really talk about this but i think it's more common than i would assume#(mostly based on the There Are Eight Billion People principle)#hm making this also makes me realize that abuse absolutely plays into how i mistrust my body. hm.#mistrust in your body feels like self-protection and self-preservation in this weird and almost twisted way (at least in my experience)#but then you start mistrusting *everything* and nothing feels... GOOD or NORMAL anymore#i'm going to play mahjong about this 🫡👍
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This might be juvenile, but do you have any tips on not comparing yourself to others? (Especially when it comes to note count or popularity.) I’ve been posting a story for over a year and it hardly gets any traction. It’s tough for me to see new creators post and get hundreds or even thousands of notes. I hate that I’m doing this but don’t know how to quit it!
this is not juvenile!! i struggle with this myself, especially knowing that i hit my peak years ago and i've been on the decline ever since – but only by numbers alone! i'm more proud of my story than i've ever been, i'm more attached to my characters, i'm putting more love and thought into everything, but i had to be realistic with myself and understand that i'll never pull even half the notes i did in 2020. gone are the days when i would wake up to 3 new anons about my story and dms from people every day (i can't believe i used to get overwhelmed by it...) and i would be lying if i said it didn't make me sad sometimes, because we're humans and our brains are practically wired to crave the hit of happy chemicals you get from seeing the stupid number go up 😭 it does feel demotivating. it makes me feel less urgency to post quicker if i convince myself that no one is waiting for me anyway, which means i post less, which means even less people stick around, which makes me post less, and on and on. it's a tough thing for me to come to terms with in all honesty.
but it helps to remember that i would be writing even if no one is reading. and i know that, because i have! i've written entire novel-length fics that i've never published, i've written countless short stories in the frozen pines universe that i'll never post, i've created alternate universes that will never be shown, etc. i do it because the idea is in my head and it needs to Get Out and i'm kinda just a conduit for that. that might not apply to you, and that's okay! everyone is different. the important thing is to really sit down and think about WHY you write and what you get out of it. which part of the process makes you happiest? what makes you feel a sense of fulfillment / satisfaction? play to your strengths. try not to spend your time doing things you think other people will enjoy and instead, spend more time on the things that make you happy. for me, i haaaaate editing and i always have, so lately i've been trying to speed through it a little bit quicker even if it means the final product won't be as appealing to others. (this is still a work in progress for me...) i have more fun when i experiment with different writing styles, which might not appeal to others because it takes longer and i don't really have a recognizable style, but i don't care anymore because i'm having fun! ask yourself what YOU want from your story, and then write for yourself and only yourself.
essentially what i'm saying is: there will ALWAYS be people more popular than you, and there's no guarantee that when you find the popularity you seek, you'll be able to keep it. so you need to find some sort of intrinsic motivation to continue or you'll just keep comparing yourself to others forever and you'll deny yourself the joy of creation! "comparison is the thief of joy" could not be more true!!
#this might be the most honest i've been lmao#i guess i've been thinking about it more after i posted a poll a while ago asking about something that happened in a story post#one of the options was ''i don't read your story i just wanted to click a button'' and so many people clicked that#not to be dramatic it just sort of feels like a gut punch when you realize that even the likes you DO get aren't all from readers#they're from people who want to click a button / show support / wish they had time to read but can't / etc#and like. of course!! i'm not a hypocrite - i like story posts without reading them too because we only have so much time in a day#but ever since then i've been trying to just say fuck it. i'm here for ME#i literally put my simself into my story because idgaf anymore. i've found my reason for writing and it isn't notes or engagement#those are awesome and i will always be grateful when i do get those things#but it's not my reason for being here anymore#lowkey i'm here because my story saved my life but that's not an easy thing to explain in an advice question fskjdsjd#asks#anonymous#nonsims#brandi answers
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sanji and usopp are the type of couple to break up constantly and you never know if they're back together or not.
nami: tell your boyfriend-
usopp: not my boyfriend anymore
nami: what did he do again?
usopp: he flirted with a girl way too much back on the last island
sanji, crying in the background: MELLORINEEEEE PLEASE MON COEUR WHAT DID I DO WRONG?????!!!!
#sanji: THAT GIRL OVER THERE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL I'VE EVER SEEN- // usopp: we're breaking up // sanji: i know#the thing is they get back together the moment sanji gives usopp his favorite food#or they just silently end up sleeping on the same bed and sanji just guesses usopp isn't mad anymore#they love each other so much i'm going insane with them#sanuso#vinsmoke sanji#usopp#one piece#nami
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#overwatch2#overwatch#ow2#zenyatta#tekhartha zenyatta#doodle#fanart#I mean I can put stories in the tags bc this thing isn't hitting the tag stream anyway right? this week sucked#one of the kittens we raised got out on the 14th and hasn't been seen since. Not a peep from anyone. No trace. Just poof#he's ten months and he went up in smoke. I don't own him anymore but ofc I'll help look#it's a family house area. Like little middle class houses with kids and stuff#calm roads. Nothing. He's just gone#I'm worried sick.#so I guess that makes this vent art?#vent art
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Simplicity Template v1.0.0
Hi. It’s me again, emerging from the depths of ukagaka hell to bring you new and strange things.
So here’s the thing about ghosts, I helped make this one called Needle for ghost jam 2022, and it’s kinda sorta maybe the best thing I’ve ever participated in. And it maybe kinda triggered a big shift in how I think about ghosts. And I think maybe, the process doesn’t need to be nearly as complicated as it is.
Right now, the existing ghost templates are very, very big. Everything everywhere will tell you that making a ghost is a long project that requires a lot of dedication. And that can be true! There are some wonderful and detailed ghosts out there that take a long time to produce. But as we’ve seen in ghost jams, that’s not necessarily true! Ghosts don’t HAVE to be big! Ghosts don’t HAVE to be complicated! And even ghosts with a lot of content don’t have to be a huge project that eats up months of your life! Just about everything in the existing templates is optional, but I always feel like I’m cheating or doing a bad job if I skip things.
The more I think about it, and with a lot of the work I’ve done lately, I think it is easy to get burned out by the amount of tedious work you have to do filling in side functions that many users won’t ever see. New devs may find those functions uninteresting, or confusing, or just simply overwhelming from the sheer amount of them. And I think a lot of folks may not realize they can be omitted entirely without causing any harm to the ghost! SSP has default dialogues for the stuff that there need to be dialogues for!
Additionally, I’ve started to see more possibilities for ghosts lately, and the existing templates are making me feel very boxed in. Many ghosts right now have the same premise of “X character but on your computer”, and I don’t have anything against that, but there’s lots of other interesting ideas out there that we haven’t explored hardly at all! What if it’s not that a character has appeared on your desktop, what if you’ve appeared in their world! What if you’re not actually human? What if they know you already! There are so many things I would love to see happen, and some ideas that I’m hoping to start exploring myself.
Anyways! That was a whole lot of words for me to introduce my new template. I’ve made a new template called the Simplicity Template, and these are the things I hope it accomplishes:
Makes ghost making less intimidating for new developers by having less to fill in
Helps more ghosts reach completion by getting straight to content first, with very few side features to fill in
Gives developers more freedom to experiment and try new ideas, and to break away from the current formula
If any of that sounds interesting to you, give it a try! You can always add in more features later and build upon the simple base that is here!
#Ukagaka#English Ukagaka#Template#ZiUkagaka#ZiChrono#//Sorry I have so many feelings about this#//I still haven't?? made a post for needle?? but i probably should#//I just!! genuinely love and adore needle so much ok!!!#//Needle is literally 99% just dialogue!!!#//But it's so DIFFERENT and I get to play with so many concepts!!#//I wanna make SO MANY COOL THINGS and X. Template just isn't suited for my purposes anymore#//As it is if I wanted to start a new ghost with X. Template I would have to spend a few hours carefully removing stuff i DONT want...#//Which was the reason I made X. Template in the first place... So it's kind of outlived its usefulness to me#//Anyways I feel much more confident in this template and I hope that other folks will find this approach as freeing as I do#//Make cool things!! Sit down and plan out what you'd like your ghost to be and then start making content!!#//I'd show a picture of the ghost itself but it's literally just some gray rectangles lol#//You can... you can pet the rectangles#//Oh god I never replaced the placeholder petting dialogues GUESS THAT'S JUST WHAT WE'RE GOING WITH BOIS
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. "Anyone else sometimes feel like being a-"
#....banana slime.#appeeling show host (dancing banana)#((Guess who finally played Super Slime Simulator. It's not much but still enjoyable in short bursts.))#((which may be because my phone isn't doing well with battery life these days and I may need to get a new one soon))#((I can barely play SWBG for a few rounds before I have to charge this thing again))#((the charger port doesn't even work anymore so I'm using a magnetic charger to keep this thing alive))#((I swear once I get a new phone and/or pc I want to give Shrunken School Obby a try too))
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no but lately ive fr been getting more comments/keysmashes/rections in general on twt than on tumblr which is crazy
#'lately' meaning past several months#it rly feels like there isn't much reason to post stuff here anymore#not that ill stop because ive been doing it for years after all but man#mar's midnight rambles#like its not about the numbers themselves but the amount of people directly saying they like my drawings and sharing them yknow#(which tumblr likes don't count as)#but well after all there Are less people here that actually like the same things i do i guess ?#or amongst the people that actually manifest themselves
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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me, helping out my mom at a bazaar, like i've done for years, attempting stuff while she walks around to take a break and maybe get some xmas gifts: *vibing enough that some people want to buy some things*
my mom, about half an hour later: *comes back to be the more charming of the two of us, because she has more experience being a salesperson and is not autistic*
the nice lady at the table next to us, talking to my mom: your boy did a good job while you were gone!
my brain, upon hearing that sentence come out of another person's mouth while i'm feeling somewhat dysphoric in my body today:
B O Y ! ! !
(good job!)
#void keith talks#this isn't me discovering a new thing about myself but it is Different this time i think. it echoed in my brain#most people don't assume i'm masc because i have a high voice. especially because the fuckin “customer service voice" thing (higher pitch)#but more people than one have called me by masculine uhhh... adjectives? (it's probably adjectives.) it's nice. mostly strangers though. :/#and i already know i have a Thing about praise because it's my love language or whatever#and i've also been obsessing over whether or not i should ask my doctor about going on testosterone because i've been avoiding my doctor#because i'm an anxious mess and my life is about to be turned upside down again soon#but i. i wwant to#go on T. more than i thought i would?#i'm so anxious about change and i know the changes technically happen slowly#but even so i keep hesitating because of personal circumstances#uhhhh... yeah. that's. that's a thing i guess#one of my fellow nonbinary transmasc friends is going on T. and i'm happy for them obviously#but i also feel a little envious of him for being able to figure it all out that easily. even though it probably Wasn't Actually That Easy#and it just looks like that from my outsider perspective#and i'm just tired and confused because i only discovered/uncovered the more masc part of my identity relatively recently and i've-#struggled with it for long enough that i don't have to fight with myself about it anymore. still kinda scared though#nonbinary#enby#trans#transgender#voidgender#gender dysphoria#gender stuff#gender thoughts#gender euphoria#trans stuff#nonbinary stuff#rambling in the tags#rambling into the void
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i love cj!evelin they're so gender
#cloudjumpers#cloudjumpers au#warning for the next tags: i just start rambling#i saw vik post their ref sheet a while back somewhere and i just went oh em gee? new blorbo obtained?#i didnt read the comic at that time time though i didnt know jackshit about cjau im sorry im late to things#i bingeread it last night cuz i was bored as hell and was like hey. didnt i say i wanted to draw eve. hm. and so i got to scribbling#im not even into tmc anymore but some aus just get a grip on me help#i also havent been drawing much in recent months so i tried to get back into the groove#so i tried to use this absolutely iconic to my brand brush of mine again cuz coincidentally i haven't used it in a hot minute#but i kinda just. went insane with it i think.#ALSO I WAS LISTENING TO JJBA STONE OCEAN OST DURING THIS AND I THINK YOU CAN SEE IT IN THE ARTSTYLE CRYINFFFF#tbh though. i think eve would like jolyne as a character...........#sorry sorry my autism. i have a jojo's bizarre adventure special interest#btw i added some headcanons have fun looking for them#the wing isn't one of them though that was just a stylistic choice#like. yknow how some people make some part of the body lighter cuz it's like not in the front ? yeah i guess i was trying to do that#fyi im not posting this to twt :saluting_face:#maybe i will on priv or something idk i'll see#xerv signing out now i talked too much
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I can't stop thinking about that Wing AU and Sticky plucking his feathers...
(Weird, angsty ramblings that might require some knowledge of bird anatomy to fully understand to follow)
(Basically, when birds grow feathers they start as "blood feathers" which are basically just little sacks of blood and growing cells. After this, they are "pin feathers", and the blood is all inside where it belongs, leaving the feather all rolled up and covered in this papery stuff that rubs off and leaves a fully grown feather. Also, Primaries are the big "pointer finger" feathers at the tip of the wings, Secondaries are the medium sized ones from the "wrist" joint to the "elbow", where they get smaller and are referred to as Tertiaries. That should be it :>)
Because, in real life, it's quite common in pet psittacines (Parrots: so, macaws, cockatoos, budgies, lovebirds, etc.) especially when they are stressed. And it can get out of control really fast and take a long time to train the bird out of even though it's very obviously hurting it.
And I just keep thinking about how young he was when he started being on TV. And for a while the fluffy little baby feathers were cute but an entertainment industry seeking engagement instead of connection demanded he grow up too fast.
And so the make-up/wardrobe department for any competition he was on started pulling some of the downy feathers. There weren't that many left at this point regardless, but they assured him it would make him seem more mature and appeal to a wider audience. And it would be fine, it wouldn't really hurt him, especially since he was growing in big feathers anyway.
So it went. With Sticky being so self-conscious and anxious anyway, he probably kept his wings tucked in tight behind him no matter what people thought about them.
He had never put that much consideration into how he looked, but now he can't stop thinking about it. He doesn't know why it's so important, but apparently it matters to people. He doesn't want it to matter. He doesn't want to be seen or recognised. He just wants to be left alone.
He starts fidgeting with the pin feathers that will one day unfurl into adult primaries, and even though he knows it's counter-intuitive because removing the casings will only free the feathers sooner, he can't help it. A few times he goes too far and starts picking at blood feathers, and even though the red coats his finger tips more often than he'd like, he still can't stop his hands from scratching and pulling and yanking as he grows more and more agitated.
And then he ran away
He ran and he couldn't keep his hands off his wings for more than a few minutes. Tugging and raking his fingers through the feathers in a futile attempt to calm down. The first couple of times, it's an accident.
The first couple of times he's so caught up in soundless panic and all he can hear is his own breathing, it's only later that he notices a small cluster of secondaries, close to his body and almost never seen with how rigidly he holds himself, are missing. Small pieces of the night sky littering the alleyway ground where he'd been hiding.
His wings are so dark in colour, not to mention unkempt after a few weeks hiding and running and flitting from place to place trying to find safety, that the other kids don't even notice anything wrong.
It isn't until a few days later, when they're all in the backyard attempting to practice their Morse Code, and Kate does something that startles him that they really see what kind of a state his wings are in.
Most birds, when scared or on edge, will carefully spread their wings. Maybe not a lot, but they are preparing to fly away or make themselves look bigger in hopes to scare off the threat. (I imagine Milligan having great big owl wings that he puffs up to try and guard the children when the Recruiters come after them in the maze)
But Sticky just draws them in closer to his body. When he is scared, which Constance would note is often, he holds his wings so tightly to his back that they seem half their size. This would be considered odd and in some ways handicapping himself or keeping him from being able to react properly.
But this time, as Kate wobbles unstably out of her cartwheel and lets out a shriek of laughter, landing on the ground right next to him, Sticky jumps. He starts off the bench he had been sitting on, hunching his shoulders and reflexively spreading his wings.
And instead of the fully extended mix of fully grown flight feathers and occasionally wayward piece of down the other kids have, Sticky's wings are a mess. They have a skeletal quality, with just enough plumage that when they are folded in it's hardly noticeable, but when they are extended it's clear there are significant gaps. The remaining feathers have the dull, stunted quality of someone who has been under an incredible amount of stress without nearly enough nutrients to fuel them, and indeed Sticky looks rather like a feral cat in that moment: Spooked and curling in on himself as if expecting a fight.
He quickly realises his overreaction, and then processes that the girls are staring at his wings (Reynie's eye did dart up, but quickly returned to looking at Sticky's face), so he jerks them back into a resting position. Though there's nothing particularly restful about how stiff his posture is, back ramrod straight and muscles so tight he's beginning to shake.
However, this is something that the others know he doesn't want to share yet. And he doesn't need to. Not until he's ready.
So, Kate grabs the flashlight from where it had fallen to the ground, a sheepish grin on her face as she apologises for scaring him.
Reynie suggests they all go inside, take a break and get something to eat before they begin again.
Constance glares at Sticky suspiciously, but right as she opens her mouth she seems to think better of her questions and simply shrugs.
And Sticky is grateful for his friends, grateful that he has these people who love him enough to trust him with his secrets, even though they don't know each other very well yet. So he follows them inside, and if Kate dumps a little bit more food on his plate, and Constance doesn't try to swipe his juice glass this time, and if that night (for the first time) Reynie shyly asks if the two of them could take turns preening each others' wings, when it's just the two of them alone in the room, Sticky thinks he might be able to trust them too.
#Anyways#I wanted to get this idea out of my head so I could actually think about other things#Because it has been crowding out a lot of other thoughts lately#That's what I get for getting all excited about bird anatomy I guess :/#I hope it isn't too annoying or weird#But it's a super real thing that lack of proper nutrition can mess up a bird's feathers too#Birds are kind of ridiculously delicate#In other ways aside from the hollow bones I mean#But at least they're not as bad as horses#All this is mostly based off my own experience with anxiety and doing stuff like pulling on my hair or pinching myself?#I don't really know anymore if that's a common anxiety thing or something I should tag as a 'trigger warning'?#I thought it was normal but if anyone has an issue with it please tell me#Anyways like I said#Lots of feelings about wing aus and birds and a TON of feelings about Sticky#Whoo I finished that now I can retreat to the safety of my phone and leave the clown behind#the mysterious benedict society#mbs#sticky washington#mbs wing au
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