callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling​)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ] 

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post. 

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with. 

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

MASTERLIST Updated 03/20/2021

COMPLETED AO3 FICS [Kim Taehyung/Park Jimin]

1. The Sound of Your Heart

Summary: There was something so easy about it, it was almost scary. Taehyung didn’t want to feel this way, didn’t want to feel this overwhelming fondness; but not unlike his head, his heart was hard to persuade once it had decided a path. And Taehyung was scared that it had decided on the mute new boy with pretty features and a warm smile.

Words: 144,014

2. All the King's Men

Summary: Castle servants Jimin and Taehyung find themselves involved in a game with the Crown Prince.

Words: 52,531

3. golden haze

Summary: Taehyung watches Jimin’s mouth twist into a pout, forming the word ‘fucking’ with his thick lips before he’s whipping out his translation device again. Taehyung doesn’t have time to stop him when various pornographic images pop up on his holographic screen, Jimin’s eyes widening with intrigue, his mouth falling open at the suggestive images in front of him.

(or: lonely college student taehyung harbors an alien fugitive in his apartment. nothing goes as planned.)

Words: 34,850

4. Drag'on Together (Love Is Its Own Magic)

Summary: “I swear to God, Taehyung if you stop to pick up one more rock because you think it might be some sort of rare stone, I’m leaving you here,” Jimin huffs as he tries to sound intimidating.

“Jiminnie, we both know you wouldn’t survive a minute without me, so stop with the empty threats, okay?” Taehyung replies, happily ignoring his dark-haired friend.

Jimin would argue, he would, if it wasn’t for the fact that Taehyung was right.

or

The time Taehyung and Jimin finds a blue rock and it turns out to be so much more.

Words: 30,554

5. even the weariest river

Summary: It's moments like this that make Taehyung panic. The open derision on each courtier's face, the scorn of his brother as he turns from his prey. The slit of Park Jimin's eyes, just barely open and dark and hateful, as Taehyung swallows and squares his shoulders and says—

"I want to claim him."

The tides of war change, and sweep Taehyung and Jimin along with them.

Words: 152,979

6. i fell in love with the pizza delivery guy (and then i blew him in the bathroom)

Summary: Send your best delivery guy. Preferably cute, preferably packing.

“You're the one who ordered me,” Taehyung says. Not exactly a question; more of a statement.

“Well, I ordered pizza; you just happen to be a delightful bonus,” Jimin clarifies, lips drawn up in a smirk that sets Taehuyung’s blood on fire in a most delectable way. “Although, had I known a pretty face like yours was working there...maybe I would have been more specific with my instructions. At least I know for next time.”

(or, Jimin orders pizza and a little something extra, and Taehyung delivers without really knowing what he's signing up for)

Words: 18,438

7. Grand Jeté

Summary: Refusing to spend another night alone, Taehyung surprises his perfectionist of a boyfriend Jimin at his dance studio with the intent of dragging him home. But their pent-up emotions from spending time apart has the visit ending with a lot of kissing and a little experimenting.

Words: 8,200

8. Already Midnight

Summary: On New Year's Eve, Taehyung is drunk. So drunk that he doesn't recognize Jimin as his boyfriend. When Jimin kisses him at midnight, Taehyung threatens to call his man- aka Jimin.

Words: 3,951

9. Worth The Risk

Summary: The rules are simple: no kissing on the lips, no petnames, no cuddling after sex, no sleepovers, no labels, and no catching feelings.

It should be simple. In fact, it would be simple, if it weren’t for one tiny thing...Taehyung is pretty sure he’s in love with Jimin. And that’s absolutely against the rules.

Words: 23,645

10. Common Ground

Summary: Taehyung is rich, a little bit bratty, a lot a bit spoiled, and failing calculus. Jimin works full time, tutors, and is a straight-A student. There's a rulebook somewhere that states very clearly that people like Jimin should never associate with people like Taehyung. But rules are meant to be broken. And opposites always, always attract.

Words: 44,136

11. This is not a dream

Summary: He would think they were ships in the night if not for the fact that every night, Jimin lays his head in Taehyung’s lap and Taehyung runs fingers without nerve endings through his hair. If they didn't have this false, teasing closeness long enough to learn every detail of each other's lives, long enough that Jimin is the person Taehyung spends the most time with by a mile.

(Jimin leaves. Two months later, he falls in love with Taehyung.)

Words: 12,370

12. Shooting Stars and Silver Moons

Summary: Yoongi and Jimin make a bet, Taehyung makes bad decisions.

(Or: "I'm kind of pissed you didn't choose me to fake date, I'm your best friend")

Words: 20,206

13. the whole world is blue

Summary: Taehyung is not going to confess. That kind of thing never ends well. The movies are wrong. It doesn't always turn out to be mutual. Real life isn't so romantic like that.

Words: 10,829

14. Swipe Right

Summary: As a best friend, Jimin will do anything for Taehyung. This includes being his fake boyfriend to ward off the unwanted attention Taehyung is receiving after using a dating app and agreeing to meet someone.

Words: 26,085

15. Define Me in Terms of You

Summary: This is either Taehyung's greatest idea, or his worst.

“So, let me get this straight. You want me to teach you how to play guitar, join a fake band and enter a competition just so that you can impress a guy you like?"

Words: 9,808

16. i just adore you asking for more

Summary: Taehyung is a successful model looking for a discreet release. Jimin is a professional dom who won’t judge his browsing history.

Words: 90,201

17. Sirius

Summary: "Dude, our entire relationship could be an Ed Sheeran album."

Words: 16,955

18. it's your heart i wanna live (& sleep) in

Summary: The first time Jimin sleeps over at Taehyung's, it's an emergency. The other times after? That's a different story.

Words: 22,658

19. kissing up on fences (and up on walls, i don't want to fall)

Summary: They’ve always been close, Taehyung and Jimin. Where one went, it would be rare to see them without the other. This is a fact Namjoon knows better than most, having coexisted with them in close quarters for such a long time.

Namjoon had not, however, for all his proclaimed wisdom and prudence, had the foresight to see that they’d become this close.

(or: the five times the other members thought they were dating, and the one time jimin starts to wonder if they really are)

Words: 8,738

20. The Usual

Summary: Alternatively titled: The Regular

Jimin will date anyone, except for boys who serve coffee.

Words: 27,935

21. i'm so sorry but it's fake love (tbh, not really)

Summary: when chaebol/commitment anti-fan park jimin learns he's being married off, he does the smartest thing in the world: hire a fake boyfriend he found on the internet (aka Craigslist's personal ads)

all he needs is just three months with said fake boyfriend to convince his parents to leave him alone. after that, he'll get back to his regular programming.

except, not really.

Words: 209,565

22. Gravity//Oxygen

Summary: He already lost his parents.

He'll be damned if he loses Jimin's smile too.

We stay together.

Always.

Taehyung is out for revenge. And he'll do anything to get it.

Words: 180,321

23. A Screenshot of Youth

Summary: There’s a sharp intake of breath, Taehyung’s grip tightening over Jimin’s with a gentle squeeze. “Jimin,” his voice is serious, and Jimin watches him, strangely endeared. “Let’s be friends.”

And it’s like this, that they begin as friends in the heat of a sweltering summer, twelve years old and too young to think much of it, hands twined together under the blanket of a setting sun.

(In which Jimin and Taehyung grow up together.)

Words: 18,496

24. i'll take the desert, you take the coast

Summary: “Everyone I know is a candlestick nearing its demise. They’re afraid of bringing meaning into their lives, of cultivating that glow. But you, prince Park Jimin, you are different. You glow with the passion of more than a thousand suns.”

Words: 30,973

25. just to get a taste

Summary: The one where Jeongguk dares Jimin and Taehyung to kiss and it unravels a lot of feelings. But mostly more kisses.

Or the one where Jimin's heart is stupid and Jimin's best friend is actually irresistible. Who'd've thunk, huh?

Words: 24,375

26. tell them it's the end

Summary: Five months after Taehyung suddenly walked out on him, Jimin finds out that Taehyung has yet to inform his family, who absolutely loved Jimin, about their split.

Jimin tries to swallow his feelings as he once again “dates” Taehyung.

Words: 13,802

27. stay with you

Summary: Taehyung wondered why he always see this blonde man, getting wasted every night. Its such a shame seeing his pretty face wasting every single night of his life in this bar.

Until he saw his eyes, and he understood why.

(Or Jimin is broken and he wanted his happiness back.)

Words: 12,875

28. ring the changes

Summary: That's the nature of one-sided confessions. Things change.

Words: 45,248

29. summer, winter, spring (i'm falling for you)

Summary: The school starts to take notice of Jimin.

Taehyung has always noticed.

Words: 41,786

30. Make Me-al

Summary: In which Jimin starts to work at Jin's restaurant and there he meets Taehyung, the new rookie waiter that kinda gets him off his nerves (the feeling is mutual). Yet, the tension between them is hotter than the ovens from the kitchen...

Words: 26,886

31. such stuff as dreams are made on

Summary: "sir no one, may i have this dance?"

or: kim taehyung, a kitchen boy, sneaks into a royal masquerade. park jimin is the prince he never expected.

Words: 38,753

delivery! (i)

 credits to @monvante​​ for making this beautiful banner (and divider!) Author: bratzkoo | navi Pairing: pizza delivery guy! jungkook x reader x seokjin Genre: fluff, comedy (i think?), semi-angst Rating: PG-15 Word count: 1.5k Warnings/note: underage drinking, obsession with pizza, swearing, there has been a huge misunderstanding with who the reader is in love with, seokjin is oblivious with the readers feelings, jungkook being the other half of the busan torture device, i made some changes with their ages, pls tell me if there’s more warning i need to put. it’s a highschool! au but there will be an eventual time skip. Summary: You planned a grand gesture to confess to your long time crush (or as you like to call him: “the love of my life”) and things turned out to be horrible on your part. One, you accidentally confessed to the wrong person. Two, he accepted your confession. Three, your crush accepted someone else’s confession! aka you confessed to your pizza delivery guy and now he thinks the both of you are dating. delivery! ii  | requests are open | masterlist

“Hey, Chim.” You greeted your best friend and sat down next to him in the cafeteria. “Hello there--” Jimin stops when he sees how you look. “You look... how do I say this in the nicest way possible?” “Just say I look horrible, Chim.” You said as you put fries and chicken nuggets in your burger then taking a large bite, not caring if other people think it’s weird. “No, Y/N! You look, okay, you know what. You do look horrible, what happened to you?” Jimin held out his hand to feel your forehead, checking if you’re sick. “Stayed up all night planning my confession to Jin before he graduates and leaves me in this horrible hell hole with you.” “You’re my best friend in the whole wide world, too.” He sarcastically replies. “You think he’ll accept you if you confess to him looking like you got off from your role in the walking dead?” “Who’s confessing to who?” You smile when Sana--your recently new friend sits down in front of you. “Oh, Y/N is confessing to - mmh.” You shove fries in Jimin’s mouth to stop him from talking. He spits it out and glares at you. “You have someone you like, Y/N?” she asked. “Why didn’t I know that?” she puts her chin at the back of her hand, leaning in. “It’s Seokjin.” you said, you don’t notice how Sana stiffens and masks it with a bright smile. “That’s great, Y/N.” she says. She suddenly grabs your cheeks. “Why do you look so tired? You better get some rest.” “I will.” you say. she removes her hands to your face and starts to eat. “You’re too nice, Sana. I called her a zombie when I saw her.” Jimin says. “I personally th--” You shove chicken nuggets on his mouth to shut him up once again, instead of spitting it out he happily chewed it. You scan the whole cafeteria to check if he’s around, you know the love of your life Kim Seokjin. It’s easy to find him because he’s in the middle of everything, like the star that he is. His friends are bickering while he silently eats. He has always been calm when in public and prefers to let loose only with people that he’s comfortable with. Seokjin is your senior who has been your friend for a while now, he became close with you because of a competition the two of you joined for the school. You have grown close enough for you to have grown feelings for him. Seokjin suddenly met your eye, catching you staring at him (or ogling at him if you’re not Mr. Kim Oblivious Seokjin), he smiles and waves at you. You blush as you wave back. He tries to mouth something like “See you tonight.” You give him a thumbs up and then he goes back in eating his food. You sighed wondering why you fell in love with this dense guy in the first place. If he wasn’t even oblivious with your massive crush on him, you wouldn’t even plan this confession anyways. You stayed up all night preparing for this day to be perfect and you’ll be damned if your confession didn’t go as your plan. The confession will happen tonight. You hope he says yes and you don’t have to proceed to “plan: he doesn’t like me back” which is just eat 8 pints of ice cream while watching 27 dresses. Nevertheless, you hope for the best.

What you didn’t hope was Seokjin cancelling your plans. You asked him to call you if he’s on his way and you did receive a call, except he calls to tell you he couldn’t make it. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I can’t make pizza night, my friend has an emergency.” He says over the phone. You began to feel down, you wished you pretend you had an emergency too so he would just come in but you felt guilty for his friend who probably is hurt. “I understand, you go do your thing.” You say. “I’m truly sorry, I’ll make it up to you. Bye.” He drops the call in a hurry.  Now you’re in an empty house (courtesy of your parents leaving you to go visit your sister studying in Europe) filled with decorations.  You hold onto your phone and call Pizzeria’s Haven-- the only pizza place you trust-- to order 2 cheese supreme so you can mope in peace while stuffing yourself later. You grab your mom’s margarita on the fridge and began pouring out for yourself in a mug, your mom didn’t mind because “As long as you do it in the house, you’re drinking responsibly, you promise not to vomit on the carpet, and most importantly not telling your dad that the bottles labeled ‘herbal supplement’ are margarita in disguise... you can drink to your heart’s content.” You take a sip from the mug as you skim through your netflix account to find Catching Fire, a movie that will make you feel better every time you see shirtless Finnick Odair. Your pizza arrives and you open the door to find Jungkook holding 2 boxes of pizza with a smile on his face.  “Delivery!” He greets when he sees your face. “Y/N!” “Hey, Jungkook!” You greet back and grab the pizza he’s holding and give him the money- with an extra for his tip. “Want to stay and eat this with me?” You guess you were too lonely and kinda tipsy that you impulsively ask if he wants to stay to eat pizza with you.  Jungkook grows flustered, “I- I can’t, I have to take calls and deliver pizza.” He declines, you raise your eyebrow. “What bullshit did Jimin say to get off work today?” You ask, knowing your friend tends to leave Jungkook to work by himself during weekend night shift. If he’s not the son of the owner he’s long fired from his job by now. “He’s actually busy serving dine-in customers, hectic night. I really gotta run.” He explains as he walks towards his motorcycle. “Good luck on that!” You say as you close your door. You put the pizza boxes on top of the coffee table, opening it to grab three slices then putting them together before you take a bite.  You planned everything to be perfect and it turn out this way. You might as well go crazy, get drunk, and purge yourself with pizza.

You woke up with a very bad headache the following day, you apparently passed out in your living room with the empty bottle of your mom’s ‘herbal supplement’ laying on the floor with you. You checked your phone for the time but saw skeptic messages from an unknown number and from Jimin. Unknown number [2:00 am]: Y/N it’s me [2:02 am]: It’s yes... [2:03 am]: I’ll come see you at 2 pm Chimmy boy [2:10 am]: yow bitch, you’re dating jeon jungkook?! i thought you’re confessing to seokjin? [2:11 am]: you got some explaining to do What the hell? You groggily unlocked your phone to reply to Jimin and ignored the messages from the unknown number... for now. Y/N [11:12 am]: jwu what r u talking about? explain in detail, im vv hangover Chimmy boy [11:20 am]: bitch you’ve been drinking without me, how dare you. Y/N [11:23 am]: ugh shut up, come over so we can talk Chimmy boy [11:27 am]: i’ll come tonight, want to sleep more You drop your phone to the sofa and start to clean off your mess from last night when few of the memories did came back to you. “Hey, you. I like you...Fuck...I like you so much.”  “I invited you and If you could have seen the effort I made! I mean, I know you were busy but you could’ve gone here after you’re done?” “Instead of a grand gesture sort of confession, I’m confessing to you on the phone! On the phone!”  “You have my number... you can tell me your answer by then. Just say yes or no, I’ll be waiting.” Oh no, you confess to Seokjin when you were drunk. You regret not hiding your phone away from your stupid drunk self but it seems as he said yes. So what’s with Jimin telling me I’m dating Jungkook?  Seokjin said yes and he’s coming to your house at 2 pm. You scream in excitement and run towards your closet to find something cute when you open the door for him later. You could use a shower too, it feels like you sweated the alcohol you consumed last night. By the time it was 2:03 pm someone rang the doorbell, you shake in nervousness when you open the door that reveals Jungkook smiling and holding flowers. Your eyebrows furrow seeing him. He hands you the bouquet of flowers and cheerfully say, “Delivery!”

do you have any longer frikey fics, preferably bottom frank if theres smut

I do have some longer Frank/Mikey stuff, but no guarantee on bottom Frank!

Longer Frank/Mikey

Emotional Brilliance by kopperblaze, 21k, Mature. Toro and Mikey are a good team, Mikey doesn’t get why Brian had to hire someone else. In particular he doesn’t get why Brian had to hire Frank, who knows nothing about Lush products and who's incapable of keeping his mouth shut. Lush!AU. The one where Ray is a skin care expert, Frank is obnoxious, Mikey is annoyed and Pete leaves glittery handprints all over everything.

Gross roomies by turps, 36k, Explicit. Frank loves living with Mikey. Sure, the apartment is a mess, the kitchen's a toxic wasteland, and there's something growing in the refrigerator that's just a day or two away from becoming sentient, but other than those minor inconveniences, it's all cool. Or it is until Mikey decides to embark on a journey of sexual discovery and adventure and Frank's left at home with nothing but the fridge monster for company. To make matters worse, Mikey insists on telling Frank everything he does with his new kinky friends, right down to the tiniest detail. And now suddenly Frank is best friends with his right hand and he can't stop thinking about Mikey in ways he never has before. The really big problem, other than suddenly being in lust with his best friend, is that Frank isn't sure why.

Won't Know 'til You Begin by knight_tracer, Sena, 24k, Explicit. In which Frank is an accidental pervert, Mikey sleeps with Fabio, Gerard is much too sincere when talking about pain sluts, Ray is terrible with women and great with guitars, and Otter's got really bad taste in music. Alternately, the one where Frank realizes he has a thing for Mikey, Mikey realizes he has a thing for guys, and they're both adorably stupid failboats.

On Air by ladyfoxxx, 15k, Teen And Up Audiences. Frank's a radio DJ at an alternative station, spinning punk tracks and talking shit. When he gets handed the most popular show at the station to host, his first guests are independent horror filmmakers Gerard and Mikey Way.

Standing on a Planet that's Evolving and Revolving by Green, 13k, Explicit. The evolution of Frank Iero, age 15.

Buenas Noches From A Lonely Room by Femme (femmequixotic), 15k, Explicit. Frank wants to touch Mikey, to slide his fingers across the sharp angle of his cheek just below his glasses, to drag his thumb along the curve of his bottom lip, to smooth his palm down Mikey's long throat.

What Dreams May Come by sperrywink, 15k, Explicit. His career in music derailed, Frank never met the other guys in My Chemical Romance. A silly tale of teleportation.

a scent and a sound by mwestbelle, 15k, Explicit. In an urban fantasy world where werewolves can't hold a decent job and no roommate wants them, werewolf Frank is looking for an apartment. He finds one with Mikey Way.

Heart Wrapped in Clover by Sena, 19k, Explicit. Everbody's got their not-so-secret secrets on tour. When you live out of a van, you just can't help but notice things that you shouldn't talk about if you don't want to embarrass your friends or start a fight. Frank wishes sometimes they talked about things, though, because he's dying to ask if anybody else has noticed that sometimes, Mikey wears panties.

Tints Verse by turps, 65k, Mature. A MCR AU where Ray has his own gardening firm, and one day he does a job for the Ways.

We Used To Be Friends by ladyfoxxx, 50k, Explicit. "You and me, right Mikes?" "Yeah, fuck everybody else." Best friends since high school, if Frank could've chosen a brother, he'd pick Mikey. Then Mikey became a rock star and Frank... didn't. After years of radio silence, Mikey steps onto a stage in Jersey and back into Frank's life. (Or, the one where Frank is a school teacher and Mikey plays rhythm in The Used.)

And the Painted Ponies by turps, 35k, Mature. After years of struggling to be taken seriously as a bodyguard, Frank Iero is finally well established. He loves his boss, Ray, he loves his job, and he prides himself on his professionalism. But then he's assigned to be the personal bodyguard of Mikey Way. Mikey Way, aka Roboboy, is a successful high fashion model. Loved by designers and the public alike for his trademark lack of emotion, but mocked by the tabloid press for the exact same reason. Mikey is someone that Frank's sure he'll hate. Except it doesn't work out that way. In fact, it doesn't take long before Frank discovers he really likes Mikey. Maybe too much.

Better Than A Paid Life by gala_apples, 15k, Explicit. Gerard and Mikey Way are the Killjoys, a motorbaby duo. That is, until their car gets wrecked in a battle and the dashboard accessory of their new Trans Am is an ex-Companion with a mission.

Crash by Gorgeous Nerd (gorgeousnerd), 26k, Explicit. In a future version of Seattle, Frank Iero's a lot of things: bike messenger, cage fighter, sometimes thief, Ray Toro's roommate. Mikey Way's also a lot of things: record label owner, co-heir to his grandmother's fortune, younger brother. Neither are normal. But they don't know just how far each other's abnormalities go until Frank's past and a secret of Mikey's unexpectedly shove together. (Dark Angel AU.)

Sound Tracking by turps, 46k, Mature. The beat is muted, almost non-existent, and the loss hits Bob hard. He's used to living his life in a constant thrum of sound, sensing those around him, the rhythm of the universe a constant companion, but here there's almost nothing. He can feel the sound that's been pulling him for weeks now, but little else. This place is dead, almost silent, and Bob aches with the feeling of being cast into nothingness. A MCR - Bob and Gerard centric space AU where Gerard's band has been taken from him and Bob helps find them. Also features FOB, especially Pete.

Drink Cider From a Lemon by turps, 20k, General Audiences. A story about friendship, love and building your own kind of home.

Mikey Way and the Quest for the Stone by Roxy_palace, 29k, Explicit. “I’m in Colombia!” Mikey said, raising his voice over the crackle of a poor connection. “No. no, no, no, no,” James wailed. Mikey could really relate to his disbelief. He couldn't believe he was in mother fucking Colombia either.

Below the Trees, Which Are Below the Stars by alpheratz, 38k, Explicit. In the mid-1920s, Gerard and Mikey moved to France - Gerard to pursue art, Mikey because he couldn't stay behind. Now, it's 1930, and Mikey's become an airmail pilot, flying the mail route to Dakar with his navigator Frank. For a long time, the only rough thing about Mikey's life was the strain on his and Gerard's soulbond when Mikey was away, but his growing feelings for Frank and the arrival of Frank's old friend Ray could change everything.

Food of Love by Lucifuge5, 12k, Teen And Up Audiences. Ever since it re-opened, Frank's been "Sweet Nothings"'s number one customer. That he harbors a gigantic crush on one of the owners is something that he's kept to himself for the most part (Ray will never tell a soul.) It's not until he strikes a friendship with the older brother of the object of his affection that he 'fesses up. Moved by Frank's pining, Gerard promises to help Frank woo Mikey. Complications arise when Gerard's "helpful advice" is anything but. Will Frank be successful in his courtship or are his chances to win Mikey's heart as ruined as a burnt cupcake?

You Only Hear The Music (When Your Heart Begins To Break) by Acadjonne, 28k, Mature. Mikey and Frank have known each other for years. They're roommates, and best friends. They're also friends with benefits. The arrangement is casual, and it suits them both. Somewhere along the way, Mikey develops feelings for Frank, but he pushes them aside. They aren't important, he'll be fine. Or, Mikey is fine, until he somehow ends up pregnant a year into this thing with Frank, and all of a sudden, he's got more to deal with than just how long he'll be able to hide his feelings for Frank or how the hell he's supposed to afford his transition.

Give Me A Reason To Believe (Failboats In Love) by Acadjonne, 14k, Teen And Up Audiences. On the night of October 31st, Linda and Frank Iero welcome a baby boy into their family. He weighs six pounds, four ounces, and is nineteen inches long. They give him a family name, and he becomes the third Iero man to bear the name of Frank. A year later, on All Hallow's Eve, a sleeping baby is taken from his crib and replaced with a fake. The babe will later be taken from the hands of the goblin that stole him, and he will be raised by two rowan treefolk, a house brownie, and some pixies. ----- When Ray walks down the stairs to the Way family basement, the last thing Mikey expects to see is a scrappy and long-haired form following behind him. But as he later finds out, Frank is almost always unexpected in the best of ways, the rest of the world be damned.

Death's Muse by TheFratelliEffect, 53k [WIP], Mature. Lonely and depressed, Mikey Way is battling through the drab years that immediately follow college. Struggling to make a living as an artist, Mikey has became a battered down, quiet introvert whom wants nothing to do with the abusive romance he is unwillingly involved in. On a cold winter morning, the starving artist is confronted with the opportunity to paint Frank Iero, the Midnight Falls' elusive, young doctor, which he takes up immediately. Love and lust ensure as the story opens on the painter as he meets his muse.

Gallons Of The Stuff by MCRmyGeneral, 20k, Explicit. Frank has been amused by blood for as long as he can remember. When he was a child, it was a simple fascination; the way it felt on his hands, the way it looked dripping to the floor, the way it smelled. But as he grew older, that simple fascination morphed into a daring lust. Blood no longer amused him, now it turned him on. Frank has never intentionally hurt someone just to see their blood. He just takes what he can get whenever an accident happens. But when Mikey is hurt bad, Frank discovers how hard it is to keep his hands, and thoughts, to himself. He loves Mikey, he has for a long time. But now, he finds his silence so much harder to keep. He has two choices: either tell Mikey how he feels, about him and his blood, and risk scaring him away, or keep quiet, and never let the man know how much he means to him. Whatever he chooses, he knows that someone will get hurt.

Lemme take a chance that this very obvious combination may inspire more Supercat ficlets coz I’ve been dying with the feels you’ve been giving me lately. 22, 25, 40. Thanks so much!

22. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”

At first Kara assumes it’s another retreat in the mountains ‘diving’ situation. Cat Grant walking out on the White House is a big deal, but in a career like hers it barely breaks the top ten. Everyone speculates about what big move is next, including serious political commentary about whether Cat will run in the next election to unseat Baker. 

Instead she just disappears. Off the face of the Earth, it seems. 

Since she hasn’t been told otherwise, Kara ignores the chatter as best she can. It’s only natural that she reaches out by text and email to see if she can help spin whatever story Cat would rather have out there, and it definitely hurts when those go unanswered. Just a little. A totally normal amount. For two friends. Mentor and mentee. Former colleagues. 

Which is all they are. Were. Can be. Kara’s sure about that. Mostly. 

It would just be polite, in a civilized society, to reply to a person’s texts. Even if just to say that what Cat had planned next was less than zero of Kara’s business. Period. 

It’s not like she’s mad about it. Anyway.

It’s only when the unthinkable happens almost three weeks in, when the media actually moves on from the Where Is Cat Grant story that they’ve been having so much fun with, that Kara starts to look at the situation differently. Cat can be guarded about her privacy for someone so public, but she usually leaves at least a trail of breadcrumbs to wrongfoot the paparazzi. 

The reporter in Kara almost can’t help herself. She has access to almost everything she did as Cat’s assistant--surprisingly, most things on that front haven’t changed--and it only takes a few calls to former colleagues of Cat’s in DC to start picking up the first scent of the mystery. 

It’s a mystery that results only in dead ends though, and Kara is so frustrated after days of working on it flat out that she gives in and uses her supersenses for the kind of lead that good journalism just isn’t providing. She’s out of practice and it wouldn’t work if Cat really had gone to the other side of the planet, but she must at least be somewhere on the West Coast judging by how quickly Kara picks up that familiar half-stutter in Cat’s every second heartbeat, the result of a faint murmur she’s had since childhood. 

At first it worried Kara, because it sounded a little broken and almost like a warning, but she quickly got used to it working beside Cat all day every day. Now it’s a useful beacon in street after street of heartbeats, none of them quite right. When she does finally, almost frantically, track down that one elusive beat, Kara’s a little startled to discover Cat’s somewhere way out in the desert, with only a handful of other people anywhere nearby. 

Kara checks property records and Cat’s accounts to see if there’s some new house in the portfolio, but it’s only tracing a sizeable payment in the thousands to something vaguely labelled on a statement as ‘wellness’ that Kara puts the pieces together. 

She should leave it there, when she does. It’s not something she should intrude on. But there’s a website. Full of glossy words and promises and legally-watertight non-guarantees. Kara wants to throw up as she reads more and more of it, of seeing page after page that screams at her for being so far out of the loop, for not being around to see where this was all going. 

And mostly, horribly, for being too damn late. 

There’s only one thing Kara wants to do now, but the tiny chance of it is entirely dependent on whether Cat will even see her. It’s coming up on 8pm when Kara picks up the phone, and she just hopes that will be reason enough for her call to get answered. 

* * *

At least when she gets there, to the mysterious sprawling ranch in the desert, Kara can see that it’s the height of luxury. That much hasn’t changed since Kara’s world flipped upside down over a week ago. The worst part has been not being able to tell a single soul, not even Alex, and the stress of that was only offset by Cat agreeing to see Kara. Today. In exactly 13 minutes to be exact. 

Security is tight, but Kara has patience to spare as she goes through step after step to be allowed inside, to once again be accepted into Cat’s inner sanctum. The room that Kara is politely told to wait in is certainly a beautiful space, a courtyard of sorts with sunbleached white walls and the kind of sleek but stuffed garden furniture that costs four times what Kara’s actual furniture was worth, brand new. 

There’s a small table with a pitcher of iced tea, so Kara pours a glass and downs it, pouring another right after. It’s distraction enough with the rattling ice that she doesn’t notice Cat’s approach. 

“I don’t owe you an explanation,” is Cat’s opening shot, and Kara spins around at the sound of her voice.

“I’m not asking for one.”

“Good. And I don’t want a drink, before you offer.” Cat waves a sleek water bottle that she’s holding in one hand, a band from it around her wrist. “I haven’t been drying out in here for weeks only to come out addicted to sugar.”

Well that answers any number of questions Kara doesn’t dare ask. As rehab facilities go, it’s certainly five-star. This is the first day on Cat’s program that she’s been allowed visitors, and Kara is surprised she’s even there. It would be terrible to blow it, to have Cat throw her out before they even sit down. 

“You look good,” Kara says instead, taking a seat on the large bench that dominates one wall. Cat considers for a moment, then joins her. She has large sunglasses in place, but there’s no evidence of makeup on her skin. Her hair has none of its usually immaculate style, and the blonde highlights have faded out to mostly brown at the roots. All the same, it’s true that Cat looks every bit as beautiful as Kara has always found her. 

The compliment earns only a derisive snort, but Cat preens just a little, in her linen shirt and pants, loose-fitting and crinkled in a way that feels almost unbearably intimate; like Kara shouldn’t be present when Cat is so stripped back and vulnerable. 

“So, you found me,” Cat says eventually. “We’ll make a reporter of you yet.”

“I’ve been nominated for a Pulitzer, Ms Grant.”

“Oh please, those don’t even count until your third.” 

Kara winces at her own excitement, at how readily she’d believed she’d made it. Cat, to her credit, seems to notice that the words were a little too flippant.

“You can still enjoy the first two, of course. Now you’ve seen me for yourself, is that enough?”

“Enough? Cat, I came to see if you need anything. If I can help in any way. Here, now, or when you get out and come home. I’ve been researching addiction, and how best to support someone you care about and--”

“Kara, I’m not your problem anymore. You don’t have to manage me, or keep my life running smoothly. You’re... off the hook for all that now.”

“Did you not hear the part where I care about you?” Kara won’t let that be swept aside, not now. “You can be oblivious, Cat, but not that unaware.”

“And if you’ve done your research, you’ll know that relationships in the first year of recovery are a bad idea. Along with all the other reasons it’s a bad idea.”

Kara stands. She’s being shot down before she even gets going, and it can’t be that way. Not now. 

“Do you honestly think I wouldn’t wait for you? That I haven’t basically been waiting for you since I walked into your office at 10:15 years ago? Do you think there is anything you could go through that would make me stop caring about you?”

“I have a lot to fix, Kara. Not least with my boys. Carter isn’t even...”

“I spoke to him,” Kara replies. “I know you’re not talking but I know he’s open to making that better, when you’re ready. And nothing I ever wanted for me and you would get in the way of that. We might only ever be friends, Cat, but I plan on being a good one.”

Cat reaches for her then, catching Kara’s hand and clutching it with her own. 

“I knew you’d find me. Somehow, I knew. And I don’t deserve you, Kara, but if you’re really offering to be in my life again, I don’t think I can turn that down.”

“Then don’t.”

“We could go for a walk? In the grounds? They let me do that now.” Cat stands without ever letting go of Kara’s hands. “I can’t promise anything else, but we could start with that?” 

“I’d like that,” Kara replies. “I’d like that a lot.”

Survey #305

“you want me to be yours, well then you’ve got to be mine, & if you want a good girl, then goodbye”

Do you call the ice cream topping "jimmies" or "sprinkles"? They're "sprinkles" down here. What music are you listening to? Ha, I just turned on music before starting this. "Sex Metal Barbie" by In This Moment is on rn. If you go to school (HS or college) does your school have a rival? N/A Have you been baptized in any religious tradition? Yeah; I was born in a Roman Catholic family. My mom's mom would've probably had a heart attack if us kids weren't. At family gatherings, are you more likely to hang out with the younger or older relatives? I mean, I'd go for those my age or older, generally. I'd hang out with kids though if they wanted me to. Considering you current health, how long do you think you will live? With my CURRENT health, probably not even 80. Do you have anything in your room that would be 'weird' to others? Posters, yeah. Have you ever done geocaching? No, but it'd be cool if my body could actually handle taking a single goddamn step. What was the last game you won? Maybe Uno with my niece? I generally let her win, but occasionally I'm "lucky" to TRY to be more convincing, lol. I think she knows I let her, though. Do you know any deaf people? If so, is it easy or difficult to have conversations with them? No. Do you enjoy playing Monopoly? Why or why not? No, because I don't like board games, especially any that involve math. Is there a doorknocker on your front door? No. Do 'laugh tracks' on TV shows annoy you? They're so normal that I don't even notice them, really. Do people often mistake you for other ethnicities? If so, what do you usually get? No, I'm pretty obviously white. Has anyone famous ever attended your school? Who? I won't say his name for the sake of not connecting dots, but a well-known football player attended my high school. Have you ever had to attend an event that occurred on your birthday? Ha, my 16th birthday landed on the Super Bowl... I was at Jason's that night, and just to be "part of the family," we watched it with everyone else that came over. I was so bored and uninterested, but that's my own fault, really. I could have said something, but this was only a month into our relationship so I was too uncomfortable to speak up. What do you think makes a girl a slut? Do you believe that label is thrown around far more often than it should be? And finally, do you think it's unfair that mostly only women receive that label? I don't give a flying fuck how many people a girl is sexually involved with so long as she is safe and open and honest with her partners. I'm not a fan of the word and don't think anyone should be called it. Do you think it's bad to have sex at 15 or younger? I don't think it's smart, really. It's just too young to risk pregnancy. Yes, abortion is an option, but like... a 15 y/o girl should never be faced with that dilemma. I'ma be real tho, I don't think it's a "good" idea until you're at least 18, aaaand I don't know any non-virgin who waited that long. Just try your best to wait, ig. Favorite love song at the moment? Love songs never sit well with me anymore. I mean I can enjoy them, absolutely, I just... have a lot of bitterness. Trying to pick a favorite when you feel like that is like trying to pick the best-looking rotten apple of the bunch. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? I've done that already, and it was great but also scary in a massively homophobic state. Ever paid for sex? No. During thunderstorms, how does your pet react? Neither have a unique reaction; they're unfazed. What internet browser do you use? Google Chrome. Do you like eggnog? Noooo no no. How often do you see your mother? Every day, because I live with her. Do you like croutons in your salad? No, I really don't like the texture difference. Who did you last play truth or dare with? I don't know. Have you ever brewed your own mead, wine, beer or soda? No. Have you had to make any changes in your life lately? If so, what kind of changes? ugh What's the earliest popular thing you can remember from your childhood? Ummm. I mean, probably like Barney or Elmo? Do you prefer practicality or fashionability when it comes to clothes? Well, really neither. I'm the type that wears tank tops in snow, flipflops year-round, sweatpants in summer... so I don't really dress with practicality. I don't care what's "fashionable," so. Comfort pretty much reigns over my wardrobe. Which kinds of berries grow in the wild where you live? There are these little red ones that grow in little groups and somewhat resemble raspberries. I can't remember if they're edible, though... Oh, and muscadine grapes (I had to look up if they were berries lmao) can be found here, too. They're yummy. Beautyberries are another. Have you ever made an article of clothing yourself? If so, what was it? No. Do you go to arcades? If so, what's your go-to game at one? Even before Covid, I never really went to them. I enjoy them, though. I guess my favorite is maybe air hockey? When's the last time you had an alcoholic beverage? What was it? At the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday. It was some kind of sangria... Maybe strawberry and peach? Idr, but it was good. What has been the most enjoyable job you've had? You assume I've had a job I actually enjoyed. How about the least enjoyable job? Well, I barely lasted two hours in a dairy, soooo... When's the last time you had to carefully plan how you used your time? You're asking the wroooong person, 'cuz my life is never busy enough for that. Who do you usually say hello or good morning to first? My snake Venus, usually. Well, that is if her head is peeking out of her hide or is just fully out. Do you ever chat about your favorite video games with your friends? I don't really have gamer friends anymore, so not really. What do you hope you grow out of? Being so goddamn dependent. What movie made you cry the most? I can't say for sure considering it's easy for movies to make me cry, lmao. Maybe Titanic. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood? Seeing a container of dog food in the far back behind the Christmas tree one year. It's how I learned I was finally gettinga dog (Teddy). What brings you the most joy in life? Probably my cat lmao. What's a hobby you would like to try out? I wanna get back into video editing, I just. Don't have the motivation for it anymore. As with most things. What sort of a kiss do you count as the first kiss? On the lips and with mutual intention. What was the last event you attended? Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's, ig. How about the last event you organized? Me? Organizing an event? What's the biggest insect you've ever seen? In the wild, probably like... a rhinocerous beetle or something. NO NO WAIT. I remember at least once in my life seeing a fucking GINORMOUS moth on the ground one morning. I don't know what kind it was, but jc it was huge. How about the biggest spider? Oh yikes, I'll never forget this: an orb weaver wandering across the floor of our childhood van and under the passenger's seat. Never saw it again. I was afraid to let my feet stay on the floor for a looong time, haha. What's something you'd never ever dare to ask another person? I'd never ask certain "why" questions, like "why did you get an abortion?" or something like that. I can think of valid situations to ask most things, even controversial matters, but no one should ever have to justify something like that. "Why don't you have kids?" is another. That one gets to me. Having children is not an advancement or milestone in everyone's life, and hell, you never know if the woman's had like five miscarriages or something. What's something you've always wanted to ask someone but haven't dared? Why Mom didn't raise her eldest daughter, at least for her whole life. Katie's childhood is a big mystery to me, and I want to know more, but I know the topic is very upsetting to Mom, so I'm not about to make her explain it. What's the worst/best thing you've done without your parents knowing? Saying "worst/best" makes this question confusing... but I'm guessing you mean the best thing to me that they wouldn't have approved of? I really didn't do a lot of things that would fit that description. I can only think of a certain intimate occasion where things happened where they probably shouldn't have. If you wear earrings, what does your favorite pair look like? Ugh, I don't because of the holes being too stretched out from wearing heavy earrings too long. I still haven't gotten to putting proper gauges in so it looks less stupid. Have you ever won any money from a scratch card? Maybe like, $10 or something. How about a slot machine? I've never played one. Do like playing bingo? Sure, it's all right. What small, everyday thing makes you really happy? Cuddling with my cat. Do you enjoy puzzle games? If so, which one's your favorite? Yeah, I do. I can't really pick a favorite, though... Is there a substance you avoid at all costs? If so, what is it and why? I think in a past survey I mentioned my aversion to beer because of the association it has with my dad. I'd never be able to get a sip down. Not that I really want to anyway though, it stinks. What you would you absolutely hate living next door to? Any really busy location or travel hubs, like a train station. My childhood home was near a railroad track, and it sucked, so I can only imagine a station. What would you love to live next door to? A waterfall, uggghhhh. In the woods too to hear plenty of frogs and toads and crickets... What gives you nostalgia? It is very easy to make me nostalgic. The littlest things can do it. Hearing about/seeing/playing childhood video games, like Spyro, is a biggie. Which reminds me how damn badly I wanna play the Reignited trilogy, fuck. I just don't have the proper console. Which language do you think is the most complicated to learn? Well English is supposedly the hardest objectively, but as a native English speaker, I can't say anything about that. In my experience, Latin was like fucking impossible. Is there a place that you might call your second home? I guess Dad's house, but it's not like I'm there a lot. I feel comfortable there, though. How do you imagine your later life to look like? I DO NOT want to think about this. I fucking dread the thought. What is a job you would never in a million years want to do? A butcher. There is absolutely no motherfucking way I ever could do it, even if it kept me off the streets. What's the weirdest building in your city? *shrug* How do you keep in touch with friends usually? Facebook. Do you recognize friends'/family's vehicles by sound? Not anymore. Dad had an old car that was very easy to recognize with its shitty muffler, but he hasn't had that car in years upon years. I used to be able to recognize Jason's old car too because of sound, but primarily because he drove way too fast down our path that when I heard a car zooming over rocks, I knew it was him. What's something new you've just recently learned? It was actually a topic of recent discussion that I may have high-functioning Asperger's. Very, very unusual to learn later in life, but apparently Mom's seen the warning signs in some things since childhood, like my extreme pickiness with textures, my tendency to knead and play with my hands in situations of discomfort, my social ineptitude, hyperfixations, it actually running in our family (which I didn't know beforehand), among a lot of other things. We're not really digging into it though because it just doesn't matter; there's obviously no magic treatment for autism, and me being in therapy and having a psychiatrist to handle my meds is enough. If you were in Harry Potter, which house would you be in? Apparently I'm on the Hufflepuff/Gryffindor line when I took a survey a long time ago. Are you nagged about being on the computer too much? Not anymore, at least on the average day. Mom's accepted it by now. Dad's joked about it before though and I know others have certain opinions about it. Based on your personality, what animal do you think you'd be? Maybe a deer. Shy, reclusive, and always on alert. Have you ever been in a hot tub? Yeah. What song is stuck in your head at the moment? I have "my boy" by Billie Eilish on right now because it's stuck in my head. What's your father's middle name? John. What's the last movie you saw in theaters? Yikes, good question. I think it was The Lion King remake. Have you ever vandalized? No. What's a pet you've always wanted? Most pets I want I've had at some point or another... I guess I'll say a ferret, though I've really only wanted one in concept. I could never keep up with their maintenance, but by god they are the cutest fucking things ever. Do you like mice? I love mice! What's your favorite t-shirt? My "equal in our bones" Cloak shirt. :''') The design is so beautiful and just my style in general, plus I live to support anything Fischfuck takes part in. Did you/will you get a car for your 16th birthday? I'm 25 and still have never had my own car lmaoooo. What's your favorite tomato variety? I generally don't like tomatoes themselves, but rather products made with them, like ketchup. If I'm in the mood though, I do like tomato sandwiches with mayo and bacon; I only ever enjoyed them though if they were fresh right from an old friend's garden. Which well-known person's death shocked you the most, if any? I think Chester Bennington's was the biggest surprise. Rest easy, you legend. What's the craziest color you'd dye your hair? More like what crazy color WOULDN'T I dye it... What was the longest train ride you've been on? I've never been on one. What's the coolest hobby one of your friends has? uhhhhh idk Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. If you could learn any skill, which would you like to learn? Ha, cooking. How do you like your steak? Medium well.

Finale commentary under the cut

So I wanted to kind of liveblog as I was watching but held back so these are my remembered reactions/second watch reactions

Bummed there was no song recap but quickly figured itd play at the end

PUPPY. Best part of the ep, lbr, Dean was so cute with him

Theyre really doing a cheesey life montage huh - still not clear whether monsters are a thing in this new world?

I was watching the mins tick by during this first montage like OKAY we get it, cheesey happy home life, move along. There was only 40 mins left of the whole show like get on with it, it went way too long 

We definately needed to restablished that Sam is neat while Dean is messy. Totally necessary to spend time on that. Also didnt Dean get houseproud when they moved into the bunker?? What happened to that?

OMG get on with it

Then becomes apparent that hunting is still a thing. Which if so what was the point of showing then doing fucking laundry and dishes while “Ordinary life” plays - if its not just an ordinary life?

At this point i thought it might go the route of them being listless without hunting as a job but then murder scene so I guess not

This whole pie sequence is stupid and a waste of time, we all know it

Dean being a cold, heartless bitch about everyone being dead. Aces. Not unexpected but still just great. How dare you be so happy about pie fuck you dude. 

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER EILEEN

Pie is the face is not funny my dudes come the fuck on

I started skipping through during the murder scene. I was bored. Like, I dont care about tension building to the murder of a family we dont fucking know. Ive always skipped these scenes, what is the damn point. Its not scary or interesting. 

GET ON WITH IT

Same old FBI bullshit. Nice to see the journal again I guess. But like, this is STILL what we’re doing? In the very last ep? Same old, different day, just like 15 years ago. Really?

Singer and Kripke. Subtle. 

I skipped through the interrogation too. I dont find the scary brother act cool or entertaining 

15 mins in and nothing has happened

Theyre trying so hard to give Dean jokes and nothing is landing, its so cringe just stop

The way the little clown faces pop up - if that supposed to be scary? Really? Its all just so silly rn

Watching it again I realise just how easy this hunt is. The answer is in the journal. They find the exact family. They find the exact barn. The kids are just stood in a cupboard. This is what takes Dean out, really? Its not even a normal hunt, its a way too fucking easy one. 

I do not remember this chick or what ep she was in, maybe theres some parallell or foreshadowing by bringing her back but if there is I dont get it

Bottom line if youre gonna bring people back WHY THE FUCK THIS RANDOM GIRL

I knew so fast he was gonna go out like that. Hanging from a fucking nail

I kept saying out loud not like this, no way, this is so stupid, its so stupid omg

I paused and tried to talk myself into putting aside how stupid and awkward it was for him to be doing this scene hanging off a pole and just try to invest in the emotion of the speech. Which I achieved at times

but why was is so awkward tho?? Just the way hes stood pressed against it is fucking weird. Also 1000% Sam couldve gotten help and he wouldve been FINE. It took so long for them to talk, an ambulance couldve been there before they were done, there was no need for this

Okay the speech did make me cry once I pep talked myself into being invested. The reference to being scared Sam would reject him, the I love you so much, Sam saying dont leave me, the stay with me and tell me its okay - all those moments got me and I did cry. I appreciated the family business line. I liked Jensen telling Jared he always keeps fighting, that was a nice reference. 

BUT there were also those moments that made me scoff, roll my eyes or laugh. The whole “always you and me” bullshit especially. The second I knew he was going to say I’ll be in your heart I yelled at them to no do it, I hate that cheesey move, then literally was like “oh my god, he did it”. It WAS NOT always going to end like this - so much of the last 15 years was proving him wrong about that. This is all just so wrong, it is not good. 

Jensen and Jared did a good job with what they were given in this scene but my god

The audacity of the Cas erasure- always you and me. FUCK YOU. 

I laughed out loud when his last shot was a One Perfect Tear. I was literally like “Oh wow they did that”

DEAN DESERVED A BETTER DEATH

It also kinda loses all impact when you see him like 2 mins later

MIRACLE IS THE REAL MVP ILY

Theyre really doing another montage. Really. Like we get it, hes sad, we didnt need the toast to understand that

Omg Miracle by his side. The best of bois. 

Looking around his room like beer and guns was all dean was. Sure. Aces. 

I choose to believe Bon Jovi was a ref to before Dean went to hell

If Donna is back why isnt anyone else?!?

Oh Jared you look so old bby. Go home. He looks older there then later in the ridiculous make up

Why is that shot made to look like hes leaving the bunker forever?? Like that makes no sense

Bobby greeting him is nice and all BUT IT SHOULDVE BEEN CAS

Also they are 1000% doing the show don’t tell by having Bobby just sit and explain everything. SO FUCKING LAZY

Cas has been out of the empty, helping rebuild heaven. Okay, fine. Even Dean’s reaction to hearing that was fine. BUT YOU ASK WHERE YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIEND IS AND GO SEE HIM. WHO IS THIS VERSION OF DEAN WTF

I know people are upset Cas is back working in heaven but I dont think its anything like before. It sounds like he helped fixed things then got his own heaven. Also he’s God’s Dad, hes not serving God, hes teaching him. I know human Cas done right is what we wanted but I dont hate this for him. BUT WE SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SEEN IT. 

Why is a memory of being a kid with his Dad what Dean is reminiscing on. They have literally reverted him back to s1. There are so many memories dean should be thinking about in fucking heaven

Hes going for a drive

Hes going for a motherfucking drive

In the car he was just in

WHY THE FUCK IS HE ACTING LIKE HE HASNT SEEN BABY IN YEARS WHAT IS THIS SHIT

Hes going to drive around doing nothing until Sam gets there are you fucking kidding me. Not going to see any of his family from the last 15 years, just driving. Absolute horseshit. 

This is the moment where you realise that this episode has changed NOTHING. This is the same ending as the last ep except theyre in heaven not on earth

ITS THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING

Okay so they skip over how Sam went from going on a hunt to walking with a toddler. OMG how unsubtle that they have literally just labelled the child Dean in big yellow letters. I couldnt help but laugh, how fucking stupid. 

I did get a bit teary when the music started I’ll be honest. But mostly through the whole montage (ANOTHER ONE) I was saying to myself This is so fucking stupid. omg this is dumb, what the fuck is this, so stupid.

They literally did a montage so long they had to play the song twice. Im just done at this point wow. 

The old man make up is so bad I just laughed. The only pictures being of the 4 of them, reinforcing the Winchester only bullshit, great. Not even pics of this new random family Sam’s got. The painfully cliche Dad moments for Sam, again so bad its funny. Omg the hand on the head of this random kid, this is so ridiculous. Old man sam in his bad wig trying so hard to move like hes old and crying in the impala. Wtf is happening, this is SO STUPID 

I thought theyd cast a more attractive son I’ll be honest. So he has the tattoo - are they a hunting family? Because that would go against both s1 Sam they’ve tried to go back to and the s15 Sam they build up to for all those years

I know they were going for an emotional parallel with that “you can go now” but this random man saying it to Sam in that make up, with the music cue lined up right there - its just funny coz its so dumb im sorry

I cant believe they actually played another different version, I’ll never get over that

Theres alot of things I’ll never get over

Is this bridge supposed to mean something? They shouldve picked a setting that meant something

I know theyre trying so hard to make Dean look happy and peaceful to convince us its a good ending but sis no

I laughed out loud when Dean turned around - WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT SAM?

Really, they have nothing to say? No questions, no convo? They just have cheesey smiles and look over the water? This is so wrapped up in a fucking bow trying to force us to feel good my god

The cut almost immediately to them talking to the camera, still in character getup, was so cringe I yelled and turned it off

And they pan out to literally none of the people we want to see . Great, Good. 

LITERALLY WHAT WAS THE POINT 

Hey boo! Here's a bunch of numbers for that music meme: 1, 5, 6, 15, 20, 26, 28, 35, 38, and 50 🥳❤️ Looking forward to your answers, I love your music taste!

OOOoh this is so exciting!!! @kenzthepea...I adore you and I haven’t told you that enough lately. ❤❤❤

OK..Here goes:

1. Current Favorite Song: This is hard...Because I love so many songs. But the one I kept repeating today was Cardigan by Taylor Swift. I like the melody, and the lyrics that are so intricate. I especially love the bridge and I think my brain is formulating a fic with this song...but I have to wait and see what percolates. But it feels like that’s about to happen. 

5. A Song That Reminds You Of Another Time In Your Life: I’m going to with It’s Been Awhile by Staind. I don’t know why...but every time I hear this song I think back to the first guy I fell in love with. It literally never played while we were together, or featured in our relationship at all, and has nothing to do with either of us...but it makes me think of him because I feel him in it. I think it’s maybe that during the time I met him, and fell in love with him and was held by him...I was dealing with some serious things in my home life. My mother was abusive, and I felt worthless and like a complete fuck up...but all of that didn’t matter when he hugged me. None of it mattered when we were talking. It makes me feel the way he made me feel and I love that. Because I still love him. Just differently, though 15 year old me is still deeply in love with him...But I am happily married to a man who adores me, who listens to me, and who makes me feel seen...which is exactly what Daniel did for me all those years ago. We’re still very good friends and we sing karaoke together (not currently obviously) and he still gives the best hugs and he’s still as sweet and dreamy and magnetic as he was the day I met him. And I feel grateful, so damn grateful that the first man I ever loved, taught me that I was worthy of that love, so that I could recognize when my husband felt the same way. That was long...but worth it. And you knew I’d be wordy. 🤣

6. A Song That Reminds You of A Place You’ve Been: I cannot hear the Hawaiian version of I’m Yours by Jason Mraz without instantly being transported to the beach house my husband and I were married out of a little over 11 years ago. That song was played multiple times during our stay, and the Hawaiian version is so much more lovely than the radio version. It wasn’t our wedding song...but it is our unofficial wedding song. So much so that it’s the song my husband set as my ring tone when I call him. 🥰🥰🥰 I can’t seem to find the Hawaiian version but the version I linked is very damn close. 

15. A Song That Makes You Want To Fall In Love: This one was really hard...Because I’m already very much in love with my husband...But I’m going to give you two...by the same artist, on the same album, because both give off some serious sex appeal to me and both would make me ache to have someone to feel that way about if I didn’t already have my Husband-Man. Wolf Like Me by Lera Lynn ft. Shovels and Rope, and Lose Myself by Lera Lynn, ft. John Paul White (you knew he had to be in here somewhere). Both are on her Plays Well With Others album, which was co-produced by John Paul and Ben Tanner (of the Alabama Shakes) at their Sun Drop Sound recording studio in Florence, Alabama and is on their label Single Lock Records (I’m a huge fan of pretty much every artist on Single Lock’s label) and these two songs are just straight up magic. Wolf Like Me is like...a werewolf love song. It’s literally her begging someone to be a wolf like her, and understand her, and I believe its a cover...but I choose to ignore that because I don’t ever want to hear anyone but Lera and S&R singing it. It’s haunting and sexy and just...ooof. So good. Lose Myself is sexy AF as well because it’s a duet with John and they’re basically singing about being in love with someone who they know is bad for them...and it’s just so painfully sexily delicious. I dare you to listen to their voices melding and not melt into a puddle. It’s almost impossible. 

(This damn post is going to be really long...I hope you don’t mind. 🤣)

20. A Song You’ve Listened To On Repeat Recently: Rattle by Penny and Sparrow (I think you already know this one) has been on repeat for me lately. This song has been many things to me...But It’s become my worship song. When I REALLY need to talk to God (I’m spiritual...I hope this isn’t something that bothers you. Apologies if it is...I won’t preach...I promise) I turn this song on and I always feel closer to Him. When I first heard it I heard it as a romantic song. But the more I listened to it, the more I felt Him in it and the lyrics really called to me. “Because I’m not proud, I’m not proud, I’m not proud of me...so how could you, how could you ever be?” really nails me on the head. I feel like I fall down on being a light for God quite a bit. I try, always, to be a beacon of love and acceptance and grace to everyone. I want to understand my fellow humans...and love them despite their flaws and foibles...but it’s hard. And so this song reminds me that I’m not alone, and that I’m not the only one who occasionally feels that I’m not making Him proud...but the last lines, “I'm gonna work on waiting, If it's true you wanna say you love me every day. And I'm sorry (that it took me so long to realize) you've always felt that way”, are a beautiful reminder that God’s love for me is something he wants to give me everyday, no matter how much I’ve failed at being His beacon on Earth. So it’s my worship song, because I don’t go to church, but hearing this song is feeling a wash of his love over me and that helps me on really hard days. (I hope that wasn’t too preachy)

26. A Song That Reminds You Of Your Favorite Fictional Character: GOD SO MANY!!! Like...everyone I’ve ever written a fic about...and there are MANY. I guess the best way to find this one is to go to my AO3 series The Music Made Me Do It

28. A Song That Represents Your “Aesthetic”: I don’t really know what my “Aesthetic” is...maybe uptight, bohemian, plant loving, boy and dog mom, who over thinks everything constantly? Is that an aesthetic? LOL. So i’m not sure how to answer this one. But if “aesthetic” means what I would have playing in the house all the time, no matter what, no matter who comes over...It would be THIS entire playlist. It’s called Relaxed Jams (which is the EPITOME of an original title...I’m not good with titles...leave me alone 😂) and it’s pretty much playing nonstop in my house and car...Unless I’m listening to Hamilton...which is also constantly playing. So...there you go...My “Aesthetic”...Hope that works for you. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

35. A Song That Sends Chills Down Your Spine: In the fall of 2018 I was dealing with the knowledge that my oldest son was planning to move to Florida. And I was NOT handling it well. To be honest...I still am not handling it well. I don’t like my baby being so far away and I miss seeing his face, hearing his voice, yelling at him to clean up after himself...I just miss him like I’d miss a limb. We’ve been together since I was 18 and he’s going to be 20 in a few weeks and so, I’m sure you can imagine, over half of my life has been spent loving him. My two boys are the air in my lungs and the blood in my veins. They are EVERYTHING to me and that’s not hyperbole. It’s FACT. So, the idea of him moving away from me made me feel like I’d done something wrong, something to chase him away. And I was listening to a random Jason Mraz playlist on Spotify when I heard a song of his that I’d never heard before (which, in itself was a fucking miracle). That song is God Rests In Reason (yes...another God song...sorry) and it’s lyrics were so utterly perfect for the way I was feeling that I had to literally pull over on the side of the road because I couldn’t see where I was going for the tears in my eyes. Those lyrics were: “Well your children will not be your children They are the daughters and the sons a beginning They'll come through your womb but not be coming from you They will be with you, but they do not belong to you You can give them your love but not your thoughts 'Cause they'll arrive with their own hearts They're the coming of angels this blessed season Undone they’ll sing, Oh how God rests in reason God rests in reason Isn’t reason enough to prove how God moves through you God rests in reason And thank God you can direct the course of love itself of love itself Directs the course of life Believe not God is your heart child But rather you’re in the Heart of God” And it just SPOKE to everything I felt. I’d been asking myself why my child, who I love beyond everything else, who I’d lay down and die for if he asked me to, would want to leave me. Why would he want to go so far away...and God answered with this song. Because Michael has his own heart...and his heart is pulling him to Florida. And in those moments I started to feel a measure of peace. And I started to cope a little better. I stopped crying and feeling like he was telling me I’d done something wrong, and I started being proud that I’d raised my son to feel strongly enough about his own intuition to follow his dreams and reach for the things he wanted in life. I still miss him. I still hate that he’s gone. But it’s eased. And when it threatens to suffocate me, I go to this song. I realize it isn’t spine tingling in the manner that this question probably meant...but it tingled my spine that a song I’d never heard, by an artist I adore and thought I’d heard everything from, shuffled through my phone at a time that I really needed the message in it. I hope that makes sense...and fills the request.     

38. A Song That You Think Is Underrated: I really think pretty much everything Penny & Sparrow has done is horribly underrated. These two men deserve at least the same amount of accolades that Hozier has. And I’m sure Hozier would agree with me if he’d listened to their catalog. I’m never NOT going to promote these guys and I know y’all are tired of it but they mean a literal shit ton to me and I NEED everyone to know their music and recognize their brilliance. They’re better than Ryan Adams, and all the other sad bastards of folk...and they’re complete and total sweethearts who really give a damn about their fans. I will not rest until I’ve told the entire world about Andy Baxter and Kyle Jahnke and that’s that about that. You can find a playlist of their entire catalog of music songs here. I listed them in order of release...and I recommend listening to them that way. At least for the first listen. But be prepared to be hooked because they’re addictive. 

50. Free Slot! Any Song You Want To Share: I feel like you just had me create a playlist for you...And I’m totally OK with it. But I can tell you that...the song Green Eyes by Joseph will be featured in a forthcoming work of mine...The chapter has already been written...I just need time to finish the chapters before it. I guess this is a spoiler for the fic...but it isn’t really because if you know anything about my #1 ship...you know where I want it to go...and this song, is perfect for it. 

Goodness Kenz...I hope this was what you were expecting because I feel like I wrote you a book. 

Thanks for asking me for all of these songs...You know I love talking about my favorite musics. And I hope there are some songs that you just fall in love with here. I’d love to hear about it if you do. Hope you’re well.

Love you!

Cookies And Cream 🏹🍪

Chapter 3 - chocolate Sundae

A/N *Contains Swearing and sexual references 

// Chapter 4 - Devils Food Cake // Cookies And Cream Masterlist //

Y/N applied some mascara onto her eyelashes, she’d been up and buzzing since 5:30, she couldn’t sleep, there was so much to be done before Billy was going to pick her up. She had to shower, do her hair and makeup, make a quick batch of cookies to be prepared for the oven when her mother woke up, put on her outfit, make some pancake mixture and prepare her school bag and schedule. It was a busy morning.

She basked in the sunlight that escaped through slits in the curtains, creating pretty patterns on the floor as she hummed softly, packaging some French toast she’d made for Billy. He didn’t eat breakfast at home she noticed so she was going to make sure to feed him, as he was driving her to and from school it was the least she could do.

A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts, Billy was stood, denim jacket on, white shirt and denim shoes, his classic boots.

“Good morning doll, you ready?” She nodded and picked up her bag and the small brown package on the side, labelled with B.H. On it.

“Here, I noticed you don’t eat breakfast, it’s the least I could do, if your lucky on Fridays if you come early you can have some bacon and eggs instead” her smile was wide. Billy blushed, as much as he hated blushing he genuinely blushed. She went out of her way to make him breakfast, when his own father couldn’t be bothered his own step-mom didn’t care.

He felt butterflies in his stomach. That was new, he’d never felt that before, maybe it wasn’t nerves because of some girl, it was probably just hunger, yeah that’s what it was, hunger.

“T-Thank you... That’s sweet of you doll” She shut her door and walked to his car, he followed shortly after, digging into the toast whilst walking, it was fresh and still warm. It tasted amazing. He scoffed it down quickly and joined Y/N in the car.

She was chatting to Max. He glared at Max as if to get her to stop talking to Y/N so that he could have her to himself.

Max didn’t care, Billy wouldn’t do shit whilst Y/N were here.

“I’m sorry, Max I would’ve made you something if I knew” you apologised profusely. She laughed at Y/Ns worry, Billy once again glared at her in the mirror whilst driving.

���It’s ok Y/N, I usually make myself some cereal anyway, Billy doesn’t like cereal, he says it tastes soggy” She said in a smug tone. Billy felt his cheeks heat up again.

“Maxine, you little - minx” He saved himself from going crazy at her and causing further embarrassment. Max couldn’t believe it, Billy never gave a shit about who was present whilst he yelled or shouted at her, that’s when she caught on... She definitely wasn’t like Billy’s other women, she had an effect on him, something that made him want to look better and be better. The bastards only gone and fallen for her! She giggled at the thought of her own step-brother, Hawkins signature asshole! Falling for the girl next door!

“What are you giggling about Maxine” Billy said through gritted teeth. He was gonna kill her later.

“Nothing much brother, nothing much” she glanced outside the window a grin on her face. She knew that the way she said that sentence, how she called him her brother angered him. She was gonna tease him so much, the minute Y/N left.

Y/N and Billy held a decent conversation, talking about new recipes she had been wanting to try out, designs for the bakery and some school work.

“Is it big?” Y/N asked, her innocent doe eyes fluttering her eyelashes as she asked him. Billy almost choked, he’d only been asked that a few times and they weren’t referencing anything but his co- “the school?” She continued after Billy didn’t answer.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, it’s quite big I guess, but also comfortable, not like the huge ones in California though” She nodded, excited to meet new people, she didn’t necessarily enjoy school, as not many kids did but she accepted the fact that she had to go and took that with pride and grace.

Billy pulled up in the car park. He had one problem, Tommy, because Tommy liked to talk, he liked to talk mostly about girls. In particular girls that he thought Billy would want to bed, so Billy’s job today was to keep Tommy from running his mouth and ruining Billy’s Chance at getting- no, bedding her.

She opened her door and breathed deeply in, a smile on her face and a bounce in her step. Billy spotted Tommy and his gang stood around his car. Tommy’s mate Daniel stuck his hand in the air and waved Billy over to the group.

“Bye Max!” Y/N waved her off as she skated away. Wondering in her mind how long it would take for her to hear that Billy wasn’t a guy who sticks around. She bet an hour maximum with herself.

Billy placed his hand on the small of Y/Ns back as he led her to his friends.

“Oh Billy, who’s the new lay?” Tommy raised his eyebrow, taking in Y/Ns figure in her dress.

“She’s not a lay” Billy said sternly, glaring at Tommy “but anyway this is Y/N L/N” he felt uneasy introducing her to his friends, they weren’t like her.

She held her hand out to the boys as if to shake them. They all shook hands with her apart from Dylan, who lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. Billy felt himself nearly shake with anger.

“You ok Billy?” Her soothing voice would usually calm him, but the only thing he could see was red, every other sense was blocked out.

A squeal interrupted everything as Y/N turned around to be engulfed in a hug from Carol. “BITCH!” Carol squeaked. Tina stood awkwardly next to them. “I haven’t seen you in forever Y/N! Come, I need to show you everything!” Before Y/N could even protest Carol had dragged her away from the boys.

As soon as she was out of sight Billy grabbed Dylan and held him by his shirt to meet him face to face.

“You fucking touch her like that again I’ll fucking end you alright” he spat.

“What’s wrong dude, she’s just your woman of the week what the fuck, plus you don’t care about sharing, never have in the past” billy shoved him to the floor and left. Dylan was right though, she was just his woman of the week, why was he getting jealous? But still if any boy even dares look at her in that way again he’s going to be getting his hands dirty. Why did she make him feel like this!

Class for the rest of the day was boring, Billy only had one class with her and it was English, he couldn’t even show off in English because in all honesty he felt as though it wasn’t his best subject. Y/N on the other hand was loving Hawkins High. Everyone was so bubbly, boys were being gentlemanly, girls being sweet. Billy shared the same lunch period as her, she told him about her day as they walked around the school to get to his hang out spot.

“I’m going to cheerleading tryouts tomorrow” She beamed up at him.

“You’ll do great, you’ll look amazing in the outfit” he fnatsised a little, but snapped out of it after hearing her giggle.

“Maybe I might get paired up with you, for the games... you know when the cheerleaders skip there designated player onto the court does some kind of flip and then the little.. kiss on the cheek at the end” she smiled at the ground at the thought. Billy felt those butterflies again. Nope, no he didn’t! That’s just hunger not nerves he reminded himself, shoving his sandwich in his mouth as quick as he could.

“Slow down tiger!” She laughed at his antics. “What even is in that sandwich?”

“Ham, Mayo and cheese... with a bit peanut butter” he said peanut butter with smirk.

“Ew! Billy that’s so gross!!” Y/N squeaked as he made noises of enjoyment as he continued to eat his nasty sandwhich.

They hung out with his friends for a little while before Y/N got dragged off by a group of cheerleaders and Carol.

“So then Billy, she good?”

“The best” he smiled, not realising what he said or what he just answered.

“Damn boys! She the best lay? We gotta get us a slice of that cake” Tommy laughed and joked with his mates.

“What no? I haven’t... she and I haven’t done that yet”

“Oh so Billy’s going soft on us?” Tommy teased. Billy shot him daggers.

“I’ll bed her this week, I’m just buttering her up, you know she seems a bit...” don’t say it he thought, “frigid” it had been done. He felt so bad immediately afterwards.

“Ahh, we gotta get Billy layed boys” Finn joined in.

“Nah, I’m holding out, who knows maybe she’ll be good in bed” he winked. His words coming with guilt. He hated feeling guilty, why was she having this damn affect on him. Tommy and his gang moved onto other subjects, Billy not wanting to join in.

Soon enough the bell signaled the end of the day. Billy met her by his car, she was talking to the head cheerleader, Emery, she was alright, was never nice to the new kids though so he was prepared to start telling her where she could shove her opinions but surprisingly she was talking to Y/N about cheerleading, they both were giggling.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at 4:15 Y/N, I think the girls would let you on even without an audition, they all love you! But rules are rules unfortunately, trust me you’ll do great though, see you around!” She smiled and walked off. Billy grinned at Y/N, she looked so excited.

“You ready to go then princess? Max is at some crappy AV club so it’s just us, that ok?” He kept his cool manor. She nodded and got into her side of the car.

They drove off, both singing along to some of Billy’s favourite songs.

He felt so much happiness around Y/N he couldn’t explain it... that frustrated him to much extent. It meant that once he did bed her, he couldn’t keep her, not that he wanted to anyway! ... because having a girlfriend is for softies. That’s what he told himself anyway.

Like A River (Girls Talk Boys part 17)

Shut your mouth, baby stand and deliver Holy hands, oh they make me a sinner Like a river, like a river Shut your mouth and run me like a river

Choke this love till the veins start to shiver One last breath till the tears start to wither Like a river, like a river Shut your mouth and run me like a river

(A/N this is a longer chapter than usual. I seriously considered splitting it into two but I couldn’t do it)

18+ label on this one for sexual language and situations

Previous Chapter

Chapter One

The pounding on his front door jolted Calum awake. Why was he on his couch?

“I'M COMING” he yelled and the knocking ceased.

He blinked still confused until it all came back in a rush.

The Halloween party, Cher, Camille, the alarm, finding Duke asleep next to a purse.

Calum got up and headed towards the door.

Michael's text, Ameena's anger then the tears, Camille's hurt, going back to the party, finding out Camille had ended up in bed with -

He opened his front door. Ashton was waiting. “Last night was shit, and tonight is gonna be shit if we don't clear the air” Ashton hugged him.

“Calum?” A voice called out from upstairs.

Ashton looked at him incredulous “Ameena's still here?”

Calum nodded “she cried herself to sleep on the couch.”

“Of course she did” Ashton snapped.

“Calum who the fuck was at the door? Oh Ashton it's just you. Got your chubby little girlfriend with you?” Ameena let out a sharp bitter laugh as she narrowed her eyes at him.

“Just so you know I don't want you in my house ever again. Last night was uncalled for, you embarrassed and insulted my friends.” Ashton glared at her while Ameena smirked.

“Whatever works right?” She asked

“Not this time Ameena” Calum spoke up, his voice weary and harsh from a restless night and too many cigarettes. “I can't do this anymore. Last night was just pointless. It didn't accomplish anything except embarrass me and make me realize how tired of all of this I really am. I have tried to be nice about this because I really loved you once. Right now I just need you to get anything that's yours out of my condo, give me back your key and leave.” Ameena and Ashton both stood there stunned and speechless. “You have 15 minutes I suggest you hurry” Calum snapped, cooly turning his back to Ameena as he headed into the kitchen to make some coffee.

Ameena stormed back up to the bedroom and slammed the door. Calum could hear her cursing and banging of drawers. Duke came barreling down the stairs to hide under the couch. Calum poured a cup of coffee with a splash of milk . He nodded towards the machine but Ashton shook his head.

“Look Cal about last night” Ashton started.

“Not right now” Calum shook his head. “Wait until she leaves.”

Ashton shot him a look “you ok man?”

“I will be” Calum sighed looking at his watch. Grabbing his coffee mug he walked back into the living room. They could still hear Ameena upstairs. Calum walked over to the closet grabbed two jackets one grey leather, one red suede. Reaching down he grabbed a small pair of rain boots and a large duffel bag. He laid the jackets on the bottom and put the boots in a plastic bag on top.  He went into the downstairs bathroom and snagged her emergency makeup bag.

As Ameena was coming down the stairs with two full travel bags. Calum was gathering up framed photos, things she'd bought him, and anything in sight he knew belonged to her and putting it in the bag.

“You're really fucking serious” Ameena started to sniffle.

“You can cry if you want but just go. We're going out for breakfast. We'll follow you out so I can make sure you give back your parking pass.” Calum's voice was flat and emotionless.

Ameena let a tear fall but when Calum met her eyes with no reaction she switched tactics

“Ashton must be disappointed you're going through with this. Now he has to give up your whore.” Ameena's voice was pure venom.

“Don't call her that” Ashton spoke up pushing himself off the wall.

“Of course you'd come to her defense. I saw the pics on Lucy's IG you two were all over each other last night” Ameena lashed out only finding the tiniest hint of satisfaction watching Calum's jaw twitch slightly.

“Your key” Calum held his hand out. Ameena pulled it off her key ring and threw it against the wall. Calum calmly took her key ring out of her hand removed the actual key, handed her the bag he'd packed and pointed towards the door.They watched as Ameena walked to her car and peeled away. They caught up to her at the security gate. Ameena pulled the parking sticker off her window and handed it to the attendant. She flipped Calum and Ashton off behind her and sped away.

Calum and Ashton sat down across from each other in the booth. Both ordered near identical breakfasts of eggs, bacon, toast and hash browns. Ashton added on a side of pancakes while Calum got a fruit cup.

Waiting for their food Ashton took his phone out and handed it to Cal. He already had Lucy's Instagram page up and Calum scrolled through the pictures. Sure enough there were Ashton and Camille wrapped around each other. Camille hanging on his arm while they played beer pong. Ashton behind Camille with his arms wrapped around her waist while they danced. Then a video of the pass the ice cube game with Camille in between Harry and Ashton. Calum handed his phone back to him.

“So what happened?” Calum asked him.

“After you left Camille was trying to hold it together but then she started to cry.” Ashton's voice wavered slightly. “I chose to stay by her the whole time and try and salvage her night. Yeah we got flirty and yeah we had a cheeky little kiss and a few cuddles. The whole time she's looking around for you.”

Calum closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. “Don't you dare feel bad. Ameena went psycho and I'm so proud of the way you handled her today.” Ashton told him placing a hand on Cal's shoulder. He pulled back when the server brought their food.

“Cal look at me. What is it? Talk to me please.” Ashton was worried about his best friend.

“This has been so hard. The fighting with Ameena, this shit with Camille fucking hell maybe I should walk away from both of them and just start over.” Calum shrugged and looked away.

“Are you fucking serious? Is that really what you want?” Ashton couldn't believe what he was hearing.

“I don't know ok I don't fucking know ok” Calum's voice went up and people began to look their way.

“Cal it's ok I'm here for you. We'll get you through this.” Now Ashton was really worried.

“I'm just exhausted. I don't know anything anymore.” Calum looked away and began eating. Ashton followed his lead shoveling food into his mouth while keeping an eye on Calum.

“So why did Camille sleep in your bed?” Calum asked.

“Camille was absolutely shitfaced and I was afraid she would turn into a  crying mess. I don't know if you heard everything Ameena said to her but it had Camille rattled. Cody split and Cher left to shag Spongebob. I was literally the only guy who didn't bring a date left to see to her. I gave her a pair of pajamas and we slept in the same bed. Nothing happened, all we did was talk about you.” Ashton told him.

“Do you like her?” Another question from Calum.

“Listen to me” Ashton leaned in and looked Calum in the eye. “I adore Camille, but not in the way you do and you of all people know I'm interested in someone else.  Camille and I are very good friends who bonded over wanting something we couldn't have. Why are you so worried about it anyways? You know I would never go behind your back.”

“That's the craziest thing about all of this. You know I've never been the jealous or possessive type. I mean that fight I got into with Brandon was because he put hands on Ameena and wouldn't stop. With Camille it's this violent rush of emotion. The second day she was here I got jealous over her and my brain has been fucked ever since.” Calum rubbed his eyes.

“Go home get some rest. Tonight we're all going out to Harry's club. You and Camille can kiss and make up. We can all relax and have a good night.” Ashton smiled at him picking up the check.

Calum kicked off his shoes and headed upstairs to shower. He let the water pour over his skin and soothe his nerves when out of nowhere all the pent up stress and emotion he'd bottled up came crashing down on him in waves. Unable to hold back Calum broke down and cried.

First came sadness tinged with regret. Even though it all went wrong Ameena had been his first love and they'd had some wonderful times together. His mother would call tomorrow after word got back to her from one of her best friends aka Ameena's mom. He felt guilty about the disruption it would cause in other people's lives. He gave himself up to the tears, no longer trying to hold them back. There was the relief  being done with a relationship that had long since turned toxic. Sobs racked his shoulders as the frustration and anger hit him. He'd hurt everyone by not having the strength to end it with Ameena months ago or at the very least in Europe. He was furious Ameena had lashed out at Camille and hurt her and panicked that Camille might not think he was worth the trouble after being publicly insulted twice.

Camille. Camille. Camille. Fucking hell. He sniffled regaining control again. He washed his face and hair, gave himself a quick tug and finished up his shower routine. He padded to his room naked using the towel to dry his hair. His room was a mess. Ameena had dumped clothes everywhere. Nothing was broken but she'd taken a few things that weren't hers.

The cologne she'd bought him last Christmas. His green hoodie was swiped and she took the damn candle. For some reason that cracked him up. There he was fully nude, laughing his ass off in the middle of his wrecked bedroom. Duke who'd been sleeping on his bed was staring at Calum as if he'd lost his mind. Maybe he had. He realized he needed to get some sleep if he were going out tonight. It was 1pm there was plenty of time. He crawled into bed and Duke snuggled in for a nap. He could leave the mess for tomorrow. Calum wondered if Camille would even want to be around him never mind actually have sex with him now.

It was Retro Rewind at The Chelsea which meant the music was all 80's, 90's and early 2000's. Britney Spears’ Toxic was playing as Camille and Cher showed up with Harry and his date Kaye along with Lucy and Tom.

Harry was rocking one of his trademark suits.  This one was purple paisley over a white shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest. Kaye coordinated in a cute lilac mini dress. Tom went with a more casual look burgundy button up and black jeans. Lucy was a stunner in a bright blue swinging halter dress alongside him.

Cher wore black denim shorts a white tank top and a blue and green tie dye duster with black combat boots. Her hair was up in two twisty buns like mouse ears.

Camille had a root touch up that morning but they hadn't put the color back in so instead of pink hair it was platinum blonde worn loose and wavy. She was wearing a red leather mini skirt and a black corset top that gave her cleavage up to her chin. Black knee high lace up boots and bright red lipstick completed the look.

Camille had never been in the VIP lounge before. The Chelsea went all out. Overlooking the club there was a separate bar just for them, bottle service, plush couches, a dancing pole in case anyone felt daring enough and even a private bathroom so one didn't have to mingle with the peasants just to pee. Even a separate entrance/exit for celebrity guests.

“If you'd told me 4 months ago we'd end up in the VIP of The Chelsea as personal guests of Harry Styles I would've slapped you and called you a liar.” Cher leaned into Camille handing her a margarita.

“I know right?” Camille laughed and shook her head. They heard a commotion behind them. Camille whipped her head around but it was just Lucy's brother and a couple Tom's friends.

“Waiting for someone?” Cher raised her eyebrows.

“Shut up” Camille poked her.Just then as if on cue the music changed and the boys appeared.

What a man, what a man, what a man,

What a mighty good man

Gotta say it again now

What a man, what a man, what a man

Camille smacked Cher in the arm as both of them tried not to be too obvious. Holy fucking hell they all looked incredibly sexy.

Michael was in his usual look. Black skinnies, high necked black and white shirt, black coat and boots, rings and glasses.

Luke was killing it with his red shirt showing off plenty of his chest, matching nails, skin tight black trousers and silver glitter boots. Both dates dressed to match with Crystal in black and silver shorts and a crop top and Summer in a black catsuit trimmed in bright red.

Ashton was cheeky in a pink silk short sleeved top and black pants and boots. His gold necklaces glinted against his exposed skin.

Camille’s eyes landed on Calum and she couldn't breathe. His hair was curly and in his eyes which in itself was enough to make her melt. He had on the black long sleeve button up with white pinstripes, black skinny jeans that made his ass look extra cute and boots. Camille licked her lips and tried to calm her racing pulse. Blushing furiously she had to look away certain the entire room could read her thoughts.

Lucy came over to grab them so they could dance and Camille snapped out of her trance. A much as she wanted Calum after last night he had to make a move.

Calum and Ashton took a shot and then grabbed a beer before looking around the room. Lucy and Tom had their usual crew. Cher looked adorable with her hair up. Calum didn't know the curvy blonde girl Cher was talking to as he glanced away searching for Camille before it clicked in his brain.

His throat went dry and he couldn't swallow. Camille usually dressed modestly rarely trying for overly sexy, so to see her dressed so blatantly provocative caught him by surprise. Calum wasn't the only one appreciating her new look as what appeared to be Lucy's brother hovered nearby.

Calum scowled at him and sat down on one of the couches to gather up the courage liquid or otherwise to approach Camille. Camille saw Calum frown at her and decided against trying to talk to him if he was in a bad mood. Besides Drew, Lucy's brother, was pleasant enough for the time being. Although he was drinking at an alarming rate and Camille sensed he wasn't a pretty drunk. For right now she was gonna drink and dance with Tom and Lucy.

Cher didn't hesitate to make her way over to the guys. As the couples had separated from Ashton and Cal, Cher headed that way.

“What's up Cool Guy Cal and Mr Bravo” Cher giggled.

“Hey pretty lady why don't you sit next to me” Ashton was quick with a joke.  Cher settled in between them for a chat and a drink.

Calum chugged his beer and ordered another. Cher raised her eyebrows. “A little liquid courage never hurt” he told her sheepishly.

“For fucks sake Calum just go talk to her” Cher was exasperated.

“She looks busy” Calum pouted watching Camille dance with Dan? Dave? Drew? Drew, that's it. He looked like a fucking Drew.

Camille was absolutely sick of Drew and had finally screwed up her courage to go talk to Calum bad mood or not. She leaned in to whisper in Lucy's ear telling her she'd be back when she felt strong arms wrap around her waist. She squirmed to get away but Drew wasn't letting go.

“C'mon Camille let's dance” he slurred in her ear thrusting against her.

“Drew knock it off you're drunk” Lucy smacked her brother's arm to no avail.

Camille tried to get away but he was locked on to her. Until he wasn't. Suddenly she was free and Drew was on the floor. She turned around confused to find Calum enraged and standing over Drew.

“That's my girl. If you touch her again it'll be the last thing your ever do.” Calum's voice was tight and controlled and no one doubted he meant what he said.

Camille's jaw dropped as Calum stalked past her into the bathroom trailed by Ashton and Lucy's friend.Seconds later Camille pushed into the bathroom.Calum was leaned up against the wall with Ashton on one side and Lucy's friend Jessica hovering trying to touch him but he shrugged her off.

“Can you give us some privacy” Camille asked.Ashton moved towards the door Jessica continued to hover.

“Get out” Camille snapped at her and she scurried off behind Ashton.

“What the shit Hood?” Camille was standing inches from him. “Last night you leave with your girlfriend and never come back and now you wanna act like I belong to you. You can't have it both ways.”

“I packed Ameena's shit this morning. Took her key and her parking pass. Its over and done. I don't want it both ways. I only want to have you.” Calum's face was just inches from Camille's.

“So take me” Camille raised up on her toes and snaked her hand to the back of his neck pulling him in for a kiss.Calum's hands dug into her waist as his mouth met hers. Camille's melted under the soft yet demanding feel of Calum's lips against hers. His tongue finding its way to battle with hers as they clung to each other battling for dominance while submitting to desire all at once.Camille reached down to rub his hard cock through his pants while passionately kissing him with so much hunger that Calum falls back against the bathroom stall door.

He pulls back “Are you sure this is what you want? You really want to do this here in a bathroom?” Calum searches her face for any sign of hesitation.

Camille stares back at him. “Every time I hesitate something gets in my way. I don't care where it happens. I just want you.”

Calum smirked before yanking her hair back and attacking her neck. Kissing, biting and licking his way across her throat sending shivers down her spine. His hand slid into her shirt twisting her nipple between his fingers causing Camille to cry out.  Camille grabbed his cheeks kissing him fiercely as her hands clawed at his belt.

“You don't have to” Calum told her.

“Oh but I want to” Camille gave him a wicked grin causing his heartbeat to quicken before she ducked onto her knees and her mouth was on his cock. Swirling her tongue around the tip while gazing up at him Camille savored the moment before taking his length down her throat. Calum grunted and tried to grab her hair but she swatted his hands away. Camille set her own pace using her hands to pump and twist while she sucked him off. She used her fingers and tongue in ways Calum  hadn't experienced before making it impossible for him to speak. The strained moans coming from his throat sent shivers to her core. “Oh shit” Calum threw his head back against the stall his fingers unable to resist tangling in her hair as Camille made him cum down her throat. Calum's knees went weak and he looked up at Camille who stood up and  wiped her mouth with a very satisfied smirk.

“You're in so much trouble now” Calum told her grabbing her wrist. He used one hand to hold her wrists behind her back while the other slid up her thigh and under her skirt. Camille gasped as she felt him move her panties to the side and one of his long fingers slide into her slowly. She hissed as he moved excruciatingly slow pulling out then adding another finger and sliding back in. “Please don't tease” Camille whimpered.

“As you wish” Calum shot her a devilish look before releasing her wrists and pushing her skirt up her hips. Continuing to pump his fingers inside her Calum's lips found her clit wrapping around it and sucking gently.“Fuck Calum” Camille tried and failed to be quiet.Calum had her on the tip of his tongue and between the way she tasted and the sounds she was making he could feel his dick getting hard again. He was relentless his mouth and his fingers driving her to orgasm as she quivered against his face her fingers desperately tangled in his dark curls. Camille felt herself shatter against him. Her legs quaking and turning to jelly she thought she might collapse.

Instead she found herself wrapped in Calum's strong arms as he picked her up and carried her over to sit on the edge of the sink. He held her face in his hands. “You're sure you want this” Calum asked.

Camille smiled blissfully never taking her eyes from his she took his hand and raised it to her mouth. She kissed the palm of his hand lightly which brought a soft smile to Calum's now swollen lips. Then while maintaining eye contact placed his fingers that had been inside her to lips and began to suck her own juices off of them. “Oh fuck me” Calum swore reaching for his wallet as Camille giggled.

“You won't be laughing in a second darling” Calum muttered putting on the condom. His mouth met hers again as he found her entrance wet and waiting for him. Snapping his hips he buried himself fully inside her making her hiss and throw her head back.

“Does that hurt” he asked.

“Yes but don't you dare stop” Camille panted in his ear.

Calum tried to set an easy pace as he took his time enjoying the feel of her around him.Camille squirmed impatiently making him grin.Until she clenched around him and grabbed the back of his neck.

“Fuck me hard Calum. Do it.” She whispered before kissing under his jaw right on the sensitive spot she'd found. Raking her teeth along it she knew she was leaving marks. Calum responded immediately. He leaned her back partly against  the mirror.  Grabbing her hip with one hand and her throat with the other he set a punishing rhythm.  Camille couldn't help but squeeze around him every time he'd slam into her g spot causing them both to moan. Camille reached one hand down between her legs to rub circles on her clit the other caressing her own breasts. He'd never seen anything hotter. Calum could feel his orgasm building as he fucked Camille into oblivion.

“Are you close” he asked her.Camille just whimpered and nodded sending Calum into a frenzy.He watched her climax hit her. Her eyes screwed shut and his name tumbled from her lips again and again. Right as she hit her high her hips began to buck. Wrapping her legs tightly around his waist and he could feel her tremble around him. “Oh God what the fuck” it was too much and Calum's orgasm hit him harder and sooner than he expected. “Camille” he cried out her name as both a curse and a prayer.

Next Chapter All On My Mind

@biba3434 @vfdsstuff @babygirlcashton @toofadedtofight

So it’s obvious that ya girl has gone crazy because she wants yet her another and final character? But Sweet Pea’s hot daddy? I think the yes! But honestly I’ve been in love with Joe since he was on true blood and he sorta looks like sweets too so it works? But yeah hi, plot with my new babe? Okay thanks bye. 

º◦・✧・◦º ┊JOE MANGANIELLO, HE/HIM & CISMALE ┊ DAMN, LOOK AT PEARCE SWEETSEL YEAR I HEARD THAT THEY’RE FORTY ONE AND HAVE LIVED ON THE SOUTHSIDE FOR TWENTY SIX YEARS. ALSO, THEY TEND TO BE DARING BUT ALSO BOASTFUL , JUST INCASE YOU WANNA GET ON THEIR GOOD SIDE. ( BAILEY / 22 / EST / SHE/HER ) ( PAPA SWEET AKA SWEET PEA’S DAD)

BACKGROUND: 

So obviously you need to read some of Sweet Pea’s intro to get some more background. (x) 

 So to go off of Sweet Pea’s bio obviously Pearce is kinda a dead beat dad right?

 Basically Pearce was born in Louisiana, so I imagine him to have a deep Southern accent 

 He has a serious drinking problem that he developed from a young age 

Honestly Pearce was a problem child growing up

 He has a couple of felonies on his record 

Just like petty crimes like being caught with weed and stealing things out of stores 

 Gone to juvie like two times ?

 His parents forced him to move in with his uncle and aunt in Riverdale when he was like 15.

 His Aunt and Uncle kinda suck and didn’t want to raise Pearce since he was such a problem child 

 Had a crappy childhood? So he’s not the most caring man 

 His uncle was very abusive 

 Joined the Serpents at a young age and kinda got labeled as the reckless, wild child 

 Slept around a lot and that’s how Pearce met Sweet Pea’s mom

 Pearce and Petunia were kind of a rocky relationship

I imagine that Pearce cheated on her multiple times and like Petunia kept getting back together with him because she truly loved him 

 But to Pearce, it was more of a hookup thing? 

However after Petunia became pregnant with Sweet Pea, Pearce married her to get his aunt and uncle off his back

 I imagine that Pearce didn’t really want to have a child because he’s always been sorta a playboy and just really reckless.

He was young and intended to have fun. 

 Got the nickname, “Sweet Heat”during his Serpent reign 

 Did a lot of bad things during his Serpent reign 

 He was known for being a fighter rather than a lover 

Would beat the shit out of someone if they looked at him wrong 

 He’s a very toxic man and wasn’t afraid to take it on Sweet Pea 

Got arrested when Sweet Pea was very young

 Almost beat a man to death 

Was sentenced for like twenty years in prison 

Just got out of prison and currently move back to Riverdale to fix things with his son maybe?

 Pearce was banned from the Serpents after a meeting when he was in jail because of his violent tendencies.

PERSONALITY: 

Pearce is a hot headed man 

He’s very selfish and only cares from himself 

Doesn’t really care for other people 

Loves anything involving anything dangerous 

Slightly immature for his age? 

Honestly a big child. 

RELATIONSHIPS:

Sweet Pea

  He doesn’t really have the best relationship with his own son because he’s never really been there for it? The only memories that Sweet Pea has of it are probably bad ones. Pearce still think that his son loves him and think that he knows him fully—but he doesn’t.

Petunia

Petunia and Pearce don’t really have a relationship. They are still legally married, but they haven’t spoken since Pearce gotten into jail. I feel like the only reason they stay married is because of Sweet Pea?

WANTED CONNECTION:

Former Hookups

People that Pearce has hooked up with over the years.

Friends with benefits

 Former Serpents Friends

Feel free to hit me up with any connections that you can think of!

A Long and Screamy Rant

So this is a rant dedicated to @apvrrish's fic (aknightley on AO3) 'calling me to come back', a gem of a fic and a sincerely gorgeous work. (If you haven't read it yet, go do it here and now!! Seriously, you won't regret it)

I was originally going to make this only about how I felt, but she writes so well I have to put something about her writing style there

Spoilers for the fic under the cut!!

1. Her worldbuilding

Literally once the fic started, I had such a good idea of what the shop looked like. Even if it may not have matched her mental image, it was so clear in my head (which is extremely rare for me). Apvrrish also does amazing descriptions, and it's like I'm actually living in the moment. It's so awesome!!!

2. Characterization

She nailed it. Completely and actually nailed it; bullseye after bullseye; on point. Shiro and Keith's relationship, later on Keith and Lance's relationship, Pidge (idk why I really liked the mental image of Pidge with a bun. I just did) staying up really late to help Keith, the way pIDGE CAN USE HER MAGIC THROUGH ELECTRONICS HDKCKSKCKFD

3. Lotor and Honerva/Hagar

Honestly, I was going to make this a side note on characterization, but this is so good it deserves its own topic. Honerva is so extra and I love it? I mean obviously it's not cool that she literally tried to kill Lance so that Lotor could go to a school. But that is something that she would totally do, and I can't really express my love for the all of this.

I also love the way aknightley wrote (or rather, mentioned) Lotor. Here's a beautiful beautiful quote: "Lotor was evidently interested in genetic science, something that Alfor specialized in, but Alfor was also specialized in avoiding people he didn’t care for, something Keith found enviable."

So maybe that quote doesn't focus on Lotor specifically, but it's such a GOOD SENTENCE. It wasn't the type of funny that would make me burst out into laughter, but the kind of brilliant genius that made me stare at my laptop screen and re-read that sentence five times, because it's that good.

4. While we're on this topic, QUOTES.

"Scrolling to a number that’s only labeled with a small bird emoji and a poop emoji, he texts, Can you do some research for me?" It isn't really the quote itself that I liked, per se, but the idea that Pidge's contact name is a bird and a poop emoji. That is perfect?? And I love it so much???

“Am I wrong, Sunshine?” Lance asks, tilting his head and smiling slyly." Lance calls Keith Sunshine. LANCE CALLS KEITH SUNSHINE OH MY GOD I CANT??? !!!!!!!

"You don’t need it to look pretty, Keith thinks, unbidden." Do I even need to explain here? Seriously, look me in the eye and ask my why I love this quote so much, I dare you. KEITH ADMIRING LANCE'S BEAUTY IS MY GODDAMN JAM

"“Sure, kiddo,” Shiro says, taking a sip of coffee with raised eyebrows." This. THIS!! The amount of pure goodness in this line is enough to make me cry. Shiro knows. Shiro knows!!!

"“Besides the obvious reasons,” Shiro says, raising his eyebrows. Keith gives in to pettiness and uses his magic to fling the pieces of cereal still on the counter at his face, grinning when they nail him directly in the nose." THIS IS THE GOOD BROGANES CONTENT THAT I LIVE FOR DID YOU KNOW??? Again, with characterization,, such perfection.

"“A customer,” Pidge says, doing air quotes. “A customer you dream about and who makes you go super smiley when he calls you on the phone.”" PIDGE KNOWS. SHIRO KNOWS. THEY ALL KNOW AND STILL KEITH REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT. A GOOD TROPE. I VERY MUCH APPROVE.

"“So I guess I should -- um -- take this off?” He pulls lightly at the material over his chest and Keith feels his own face heat up." FLUSTERED KLANCE IS BEST KLANCE. NO, I DONT ACCEPT OTHER ANSWERS. THIS IS LAW.

"Lance leaned in close so he can peer into Keith’s face.

Across the room, a cedar branch catches fire." AGAIN. FLUSTERED KLANCE IS BEST KLANCE. NEED THERE BE ANY MORE PROOF? (Also, I hope all these quotes convey the immense love I have for aknightley and her writing)

“I’m going to have to buy her something very sparkly,” Keith murmurs to himself, smiling at the little heart she’s drawn next to her name.

Just,, sparkles!! ✨✨give Allura all the sparkly things 2Kforever please and thank you :)

“I’m good, Sunshine,” Lance says, stretching a little. “In fact, I kind of feel lucky right now.”

OHHHHHH BOY. THIS IS THE CLICHE BUT WONDERFUL TYPE OF THING THAT A HERO GENERALLY SAYS BEFORE THE BIG SHOWDOWN AND I LOVE IT A LOT??? ITS BEAUTIFULLLLLLL GIVE ME EVERY AND ALL THE CLICHE TROPES

5. Keith taking off his protections so that he could talk with Lance in his dreams

I'm probably reading way too much into this, but Keith literally let Lance inside all of his defenses. This is his how much he likes Lance. He stripped down all his protection that he's had for like, forever and let himself be vulnerable ALL FOR LANCE. I CANNOT BELIEVE,, THE SHEER EMOTION AND TRUST SHOWN IN THIS SCENE,,, UGH MY HEART

6. Similarly, the garden scene

This is Keith's private place. This is where he goes to remember his parents, and he let Lance come with him. Again, probably reading way to much into this, but Keith is actually letting Lance in? I mean it's never stated explicitly in the fic but I don't think Keith really goes around sharing the garden with people... wHICH MAKES THIS SO MUCH MORE SPECIAL HDJCKDKSKC I WAS LITERALLY CLUTCHING MY CHEST I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS

7. Keith giving Lance his mom's jacket

Keith didn't even let Shiro, his own brother, keep some of his parents' books from him. Granted, it was a different situation, but still. Keith is incredibly protective of anything and everything related to his parents, so the fact that he let Lance wear and KEEP his mom's jacket?? Is like the equivalent of other people literally ripping out their heart for someone else. The Klance here is absolutely wonderful.

8. The 'fuck your emotions' scene

WELL DAMN, APVRRISH, FUCK WITH MY EMOTIONS WONT YOU?? THEYRE BOTH SO GODDAMN SELF SACRIFICIAL??? LIKE LANCE I GET IT YOU LOVE HIM AND DONT WANT HIM TO GET HURT BUT DONT PUSH HIM AWAY LIKE THIS PLEASE,, ON ONE HAND THIS SHOWS HOW MUCH LANCE CARES FOR KEITH AND WANTS HIM TO BE SAFE BUT ON THE OTHER HAND 'FUCK YOUR EMOTIONS' LANCE QUOTES LIKE ITS NO BIG DEAL... stop taking both mine and Keith's hearts and stomping them into bits you HEARTBREAKER

9. "The bell, when it rings above Lance's head, still cruelly sounds like laughter."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. CATCH ME SCREAMING INTO THE VOID BECAUSE DAMNNNNNNNN. THE HOLY UNION OF BEAUTIFUL WRITING AND ALL OF THE FEELS IN THE WORLD. My eyes do not deserve to see the glory that is this sentence,, I had to give it a separate topic from Quotes because it was just. So good,,, Even now I feel like I'm not doing it justice, but it's so MIND BLOWINGLY AWESOME that I just can't. 👏🏻👏🏻 you did good, apvrrish.

10. Keith realizing he loves Lance

Need I say any more? Literally ALL I could dare to ask for. It's beautiful and I love it a lot. I also like how you didn't make it this big panicky moment for Keith, because honestly? Finding out that you're in love with someone isn't supposed to be all 'oH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO THIS IS BAD'. If realizing that you're in love with someone is bad, well, why are you in love with that person in the first place?

I kinda went off on a tangent there but anyways!! My main point- I really REALLY liked you portrayal of this scene and the way you wrote it. *swallows down the screams of the damned my emotional heart*

11. The dandelion

They're soul bound. They're soul bound, and Keith used a love spell thingy to track down Lance because he loves him and holy hell they're SOUL BOUND. I mean, the whole soulmate thing is low key overdone, not just in this fandom but everywhere. Yet apvrrish manages to put her own unique spin on the whole thing, incorporating magic and the idea of 'marriage bonds', which is really unique.

12. The idea of modern magic

Okay so I've been trying to go in chronological order but as I keep reading I just find this world so so cool. Most times there's a magical AU, the characters are somehow in the past, or it's a different world. But this, this is a combination of modern tech and somehow also these awesome magical abilities. There are potions with real life ingredients (certain types of wood, flowers, stones or minerals, etc.) and for realistic purposes. This is so realistic that I can actually imagine it happening, which is GREAT because it shows just how good of a writer that apvrrish is, but at the same time, makes me wish so so hard that I could be part of this world. Modern magic,, hdjckskc stab me in the heart with everything I've ever wanted, won't you?

13. “True love or some shit, I think,” Lance says cheerfully, and waves his hand.

Another quote too good for the Quotes section. He says this so nonchalantly?? It fits Lance's character SO WELL and so was really funny (idrk why it just made me smile a lot). Also, they're in LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE~

14. Red!!

Beautiful cat child is cute and deserves all the love. I ADORE witch familiars, and Red helping Keith out with the exorcism thing was really pleasing to read. Also,, Red and Lance interactions. The pLaYFuL bAnTEr between Keith and Lance. Hhhhhhhhhhhhh I love this so muchhhh

15. The ending

tHE ENDING, OH MY GOD THE ENDING. THEY LITERALLY RODE INTO THE SUNSET ON A MOTORCYCLE. IM CRYING ITS SO CLICHE BUT BEAUTIFUL??? ME, SOBBING? ITS MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK BECAUSE THIS IS A GORGEOUS CONCLUSION.

Also! "“Why not?” he says quietly, leaning back against Lance’s chest. “We’ve got time.”"

That. THAT. I've already said this in a comment on the fic itself, but this is so good it needs to be said again. This entire story has kind of a recurring theme of how Keith doesn't have enough time with his loved ones (his parents and Lance because of the curse). But now that he broke the curse, he finally had time to be all cutesy and happy with Lance because they have time. Lance is no longer in danger of dying, and so they can take the long way and enjoy life just because now, they can. Catch me screaming into the void again because THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

A last note- I found a song that kinda fits for this fic. The lyrics match the best, but in general the song is also super pretty!! So if you have time give it a listen because it's,, so good (jUST LIKE THIS FIC).

I still feel like all this ranting isn't enough to do this work of art and perfection justice, but anyways!! Apvrrish, continue being the awesomely amazing writer you are.

~Paladin

SUGAR, WE'RE GOING DOWN :p

“Oppa, i like someone.”

Yoongi almost choked on his chips as Yoonji, his favorite twin sister, plopped beside him. It’s hard enough to keep Park Jimin and Jung Hoseok from following her around like sick fools and now she’s telling him she’s eyeing someone.

Yoonji, his little petal, is now a woman.

“No.” Yoongi said, curt and short. A warning Yoonji knows is reserved for things Yoongi labels as “stupid”.

She flipped out her phone, and showed Yoongi a video on Instagram. A young boy, not more than 18, dancing to Trey Songz’s Slow Motion in his sweatpants. Just his sweatpants. Yoongi looked at the username and bursted out laughing.

“Him? Good luck with that. Hah! Tell me when he talks to you.” With that, Yoongi took his things and walked out to his next class.

“Oppa, what’s that supposed to mean?”

Yoongi turned around and smirked at his dumbfounded sister.

“Perfoming Arts Building. Studio 4. He’s there, I am fucking sure he is. If you get to talk to him, let me know and I will personally wed you. Hahahaha good luck, sunshine!”

Just then, Jimin and Hoseok are racing against each other towards Yoonji’s direction, both carrying a bouquet.

Yoonji hid under the table and looked up the directions to Performing Arts Building, Studio 4, determined to make Yoongi embarass himself for thinking she can’t have Jeon Jungkook.

***

“Like I said, Jungkook is busy.”

Taehyung is looking down at a feisty girl who is tapping her foot while looking up at him, her arms folded against her chest.

“What do you mean he’s busy? HE’S JUST SITTING THERE ON THE FLOOR.”

He can feel a migraine kicking in. Jungkook has had a slew of fangirls and this one takes the cake. She wants to talk to Jungkook but since he has, under oath with Overwatch on the line, sworn to keep the door closed from all distractions especially girls, Taehyung has been arguing with her for the past 15 mins.

“Jungkook needs time to meditate before practice. That means more time alone and no time for other people, especially whiny, pushy, and tiny (He put his inder finger atop her head. Yoonji is furious.) little fangirls. Now go away, Jungkook hates noise.”

She stomped her foot. “You insufferable oaf! How dare you keep Jeon Jungkook to yourself! Who are you and who made you king to tell me what I can and cannot do?”

“Kim Taehyung, 20 years old. Theatre Major. Jeon Jungkook’s personal door guard and master of female affairs. Now let go of what ever grand ideas you have involving Jungkookie because I can assure you, he’s not interested. Bye midget.” With that, Taehyung slammed the door at Yoonji’s face.

Yoonji screamed in frustration. No one has done anything remotely disrespectful until now. No one ever refused Min Yoonji before. No, not today Satan.

She dialled Park Jimin’s number and soon Jimin is running towards her. He was about to glomp here when she whipped out her pepper spray gun and pointed it at Jimin’s face. Her eyes trained on the door Taehyung just slammed at her face.

“Yoonji-ah…” Jimin croaked. “What can oppa do for you, baby girl?”

“Do you know Jeon Jungkook?”

Jimin nodded. “Yup, we grew up together. Why, baby girl?” He slung his arm over her shoulders and smiled smugly. Yoonji pointed her pepper gun directly into his nostril and Jimin retracted his arms quickly.

“Call me baby one more time, I swear you will never smell anything again. Now,” she turned to him and smiled sweetly. Jimin was floored. “I want you to give him my phone number and if he texts me and asks me out, maybe, I’ll let you walk me to class tomorrow.” She traced a letter S on Jimin’s chest before poking him to drive a point.

“Ow! Yoonji, really? Jungkook? Why?”

“Do it Jimin, if you can’t, don’t even think about chasing me anywhere. I’ll put you under a restraining order.” She winked at him and strutted down the hall.

“I’ll be waiting~~”

The 2nd floor of the Performing Arts building heard a loud ‘you bastard’ and a door breaking.

People realized one thing that day: never get Park Jimin angry.

***

“Oww owww Tae, be gentle will you?!”

Taehyung dabbed Jungkook’s bruised cheek with betadine. Jimin went ape shit on Jungkook about stealing his girl and punched him squarely on the face. Jungkook was confused as to Jimin’s unusual, albeit unimaginable wrath. Mochis never get angry.

“Who the hell is she anyway? OWW!!! Tae, quit dabbing will you?! You’re getting me more bruised.”

“I dunno Kook, maybe if we bruise your face even more then maybe I don’t need to shoo girls away every fucking day or maybe we can stop that Yoonji girl from thirsting over you and maybe we can have Mochi back to being squishy okay? So c'mere, let me bruise you even more!”

“Stop it Tae! It hurts.” Taehyung drops the cotton ball and passes Jungkook the ice pack the nurse left. Damn, Jungkook can’t even let girls touch him. His bestfriend is sick in the head.

“I hate Min Yoonji. First, she took Jimin away, then she even got you hurt and now, Jimin is Monster Chim. Give me your phone Kook.”

“I can’t believe Mochi did this. Remember he said my face was precious Tae? How can he punch me over some stupid girl?! Wait, Tae, what are you doing with my phone?”

“I just sent Min Yoonji a message from Hell. Now are you done? Can we go home and play Overwatch? I’m starving.”

“You’re buying and I will be handicapped . You did not hold the door as you are supposed to. You broke your oath, loser.”

“Shit. Enjoy Satan, Min Yoonji.”

That day, the world also realized that the worst thing (depending on who you ask) that can happen is getting Kim Taehyung breathing revenge.

***

Min Yoonji is happy. Min Yoonji is excited to see her dumb brother’s face when she sends him a selca with the love of her life, Jeon Jungkook. Jimin must have done his end of the bargain as Jeon Jungkoom sent her a message.

JJK97 Hey there, sorry I was busy. Wanna meet later? CAFE SLAMMED at 730. Meet me by the bar. Don’t get bored without me. xx

MinJi Took you long enough to reply, Jeon. Be thankful I am gracing your presence later.

So there she was, in a cafe slowly getting filled with a bunch of people. A lonely chair under a spotlight sits on an off-center stage. She took a sip of her strawberry shake when a voice, deep and engaging broke her reverie.

***

“What did you message Min Yoonji?” Jungkook asked as he and Taehyung are battling it out on Overwatch in Taehyung’s brother’s room. Joonie’s TV is bigger.

“I sent her to the depths of hell.”

Jungkook slowly turned his face to Taehyung, who is turning blue in holding back his laughter. Jungkook bursted out laughing seconds later.

“No… We don’t even wish that to our enemies Tae. You’re so bad.”

“No Kook, she started it. Girl needs to meet Satan.”

The cracked up wildly, tapping their hands onto the floor.

***

No one wants to hear an off beat, too political malady disguised as a spoken word poem. The heavily packed cafe soon got emptied, with only Min Yoonji looking at the performer under the spotlight.

She did not understand his pathetic piece about rich kids and their rolls royce but it was all in English so, what was your point?

One thing is for sure: Jeon Jungkook has been long forgotten. Min Yoonji is now smitten with someone else.

***

Min Yoongi is writing a slick rap piece about his favorite twin sister’s stupid crush on one Jeon Jungkook. He smirked at the idea of rapping it to her smug face when she comes home without having talked to the elusive, woman-hater Jeon Jungkook she’s been crushing on when his phone dinged.

MinYoonJi posted a new photo.

Yoongi was expecting another tsundere selca but was greeted by a photo of his sister, kissing the cheek of one tall guy with a goofy face and a pair of nice dimples.

A face Min Yoongi so wants to punch, kick, and burn. But her caption made Yoongi want to skin the guy alive.

“First Love.”

“KIM NAMJOON HOW DARE YOU DEFILE MY PRECIOUS PETAL’S LIPS, YOU TALENTLESS PIECE OF SHIT!”

And that my friends is how Min Yoonji found her first love, Kim Namjoon (who is by the way, the person her twin brother loves to hate.)

***

So @biatch-with-wifi sent me a photo of a spliced min yoongi/min yoonji and she had an AU idea for a fic. A few exchanges later, it became the gist of this one shot, right here. Errors are all mine, not beta read. Enjoy the crack. Share the crack. Hahahaha

Too Close To Home - Chapter 16

Camila Cabello Had A One-Night-Stand With A Girl

A very surprising photo of singer Camila Cabello surfaced the internet today. This morning, a girl named Alycia Debnam posted a rather explicit photo (picture below) of the not-so-innocent Cuban-Mexican singer.

The girls were seen with a random girl whom we recognized as Alycia going out of a club late last night. There were also snaps of them in the club in Dinah's snapchat.

The photo was trending through every social medias and luckily, we managed to contact the woman who took the picture just a few hours ago.

“Yesterday, I was out at this club that just opened. That was the time I saw Camila [Cabello]. She was drunk and dancing in the middle of the dance floor. At first, I didn't remember how I knew her but something pulled me to her." She said.

"She looked at me invitingly and we danced through the night. She eventually brought me to her friends (current members of Fifth Harmony and Lauren's fiancé). That was when I realized who she was. But I didn't really fangirled then. We all played games and drank. It was fine and everything but at one point, Lauren [Jauregui] and Camila got quite moody.”

“It wasn't because of anything. I don't think they're not in bad terms. Actually, they seem quite close. Lauren seem to look at her [Camila] a lot." She said when we asked if the girls hated each other.

"For the short time I've been with Camila, she never once mentioned Lauren or anything that says that she was or is romantically involved with her. But what the hell do I know?”

So there you have it, Camilizers and Harmonizers.

We all know that the girls have been close this past year. With Camila birthday celebration and the outing they had last month. But how do you guys feel about the cute reunion? How about Camren, do you think they happened at one point? And more importantly, how's your reaction about Camila's picture? Was it surprising? Do you think she's gay, bi or just having fun? Comment your opinions below.

I scowl as I finish reading the article. Drama just keeps on coming to me. I don’t get it. What’s so interesting about a girl having fun? Everyone has sex once in a while.

The management would be so pissed. For years since I was in Fifth Harmony, they seem to push me towards the straight, pure and innocent girl but the photo just killed two birds with one stone.

The management knows about my sexuality. I actually told them right after I left Fifth Harmony, hoping that I was free enough to open up to the public. Unfortunately, they thought that I would get a wider audience if I stay in the closet for a few more years. I didn’t know anything then so I thought that they know better so I just complied.

But after more than a year staying in that claustrophobic closet, I felt the need to come out. So even if I’m quite sad that I got outed like that, deep inside, Im sort of happy that it’s out there. People know now.

But again, that wasn’t ideal. Who wants their naked picture on the internet for everyone to see? I’m just glad that she had the decency to at least not take a picture of my private parts.

How would my management react? They’re gonna be so mad. Would they fire me? Is that possible?

I start panicking at that thought. I’ve come so far, only to be demolished by a meaningless one-night stand. Oh My God. Are people going to label me as a slut now? Haters are pretty simple minded and I’m sure they would think that. I’m sure they would think that I do that often, only to be caught now. But I’ve never done that before.

Alycia is honestly the second person I’ve ever had sex with. The first being Lauren. I was just so frustrated and so dry from 2 years that I thought that it was a good idea. Basically, I was driven by desire and lust. Is that why people say that you can’t make decisions according to desire? Is this my backlash for not listening to Lauren? Is this my karma? Is karma even a thing?

I start panicking more now. My eyes are blurry from the tears that seems to pour out when I was thinking. My breathing is hectic and shaky. I grab my phone and luckily, I know where the contact app are and clicked at the first option I could find.

Of course, the universe being a usual bitch, Lauren came through the line.

“Hello?” She asks. She is seriously the last person I wanna call. I’m kind of embarrassed because I didn’t listen to her. I thought that she was only thinking about her own feelings, that’s another factor that pushed me to sleep with Alycia. But now that what she warned me is actually happening, I can’t help but feel ashamed.

“Camz?” She repeats since I haven’t answered her, “Are you okay? You’re breathing really loudly.”

“I-I’m fi-ne,” I croak out, even if it wasn’t as convincing as I hoped it would be.

“What happened?” She asks.

Again, I didn’t reply. I was too busy thinking about how to end the call before it becomes obvious that I’m panicking.

“Camz?? What’s happening? You’re scaring me.”

I take a deep breathe, trying to compose myself but failing miserably since she asks, “Are you having a panic attack? I’m coming to your room.”

“Do-ont, I’m oka-y.”

“Too late.”

A knock comes a few moments later, indicating that she’s here already so I can’t really do anything but open it.

After a minute attempting to open the door with my shaky hand, I succeeded and Lauren immediately barge into the room.

“Camz.. are you okay?”

I just look at her with my blurry eyes and she knows what’s happening. She wraps her arms around my, releasing endorphins into my body, immediately making me calmer. She then led me to the couch, still wrapping her arms around me while we sit.

After what took about 15 minutes, my breathing finally becomes normal, she releases her hold and lean back.

She takes her phone out and punch a few numbers. She brings her phone to her ear while still holding me with her other arm.

“Hey Dinah… Yeah I know… I can’t come today… I’ll go tomorrow… I’m sorry… It’s just that this is more important… I’ll record it tomorrow… Can you tell the producers I’m sorry… Yeah, thanks.”

And with that, she puts her phone back to her back pocket and continues putting her energy on trying to calm me.

“I’m sorry,” I mutter.

“What? Why?”

“I’m sorry I called you. I’m sure you would’ve preferred doing anything else than this. I’m also sorry that I didn’t listen to you when you warned me about her. If I listened, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“What happened?”

“You haven’t checked your social media?” I ask.

“No?”

“Well, long story short, the girl I hooked up with took a picture of me whilst I was asleep and posted them so now, everyone knows I hooked with a girl.”

“Damn… Was that why you had a panic attack? The fact that you got outed?”

“I mean, honestly, I don’t mind that part.. It wasn’t how I pictured it but it was long overdue. I just don’t know how the management will react. I have a feeling that they’re gonna call me for a meeting or something soon.”

“Well, you know what?” She asks rhetorically, reaching out to take my phone from the coffee table, shutting it off before putting it back, “today’s your last day before you have to go back on the road, they can’t take that away from you. So what do you wanna do today?”

“I was planning on having a lazy day before performing tomorrow.”

“Then we’ll do just that,” she responds, leaning against the couch, turning on the TV in front of us with the remote.

“Wait.. You’re staying?”

“Yeah? Why not?”

“I-” I start, “nevermind.”

She lets it go and just watches the TV. We fell into a comfortable silence. I don’t know what happened but at one point, our shoulders touch, causing warmth to spread through my body. The simplest touch could do this to me, imagine if we were kissing.

We spent about an hour staring at the TV, barely talking. But I wasn’t even watching the show, I was busy side-eyeing Lauren’s profile subtly.

“You know, staring is deemed rude in some culture..” she says at one point, still watching whatever’s in front of her.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I was just joking. Actually, please stare some more, it’s actually boosting my self-esteem,” she jokingly says as she turns her head to me.

“Jerk..” I say, causing her to laugh loudly.

Her laugh dies down after a minute. We just sat there, looking at each other. The mood shifts suddenly when she asks, “did you remember what happened yesterday?”

“Barely.. I drank a tad bit much.”

“Uhh, well.. Do you remember when we played Truth or Dare?”

I crack my head open, trying to recall everything that happened. Luckily, I begin to remember chronologically instead of those typical flashes of scattered memory that just makes people’s head spin some more. I smile as I remember Normani and Dinah kissing like there was no tomorrow.

But then.. Lauren. My heart constricts as I recall what Lucy said. The memory seemed vivid enough and I can’t help but feel hurt again. I know it happened a long time ago, but it still didn’t help. It felt like Lauren is now deliberately scratching my almost dried bruise, making the bruise raw again.

“I’m sorry,” she releases. She probably knows what I’m thinking about from my facial expression, “I wanted to tell you. But-”

“When?”

“What?” She cocks her head, narrowing her eyes as a sign of confusion.

“You said you planned on telling me. When did you plan it?” I raise one of my leg up to the couch so I could fully turn towards her.

She looks dumbfounded, she didn’t anticipate that I was going to ask that. I knew she just wanted to say what I want to hear. If it wasn’t for Lucy, I probably wouldn’t have known.

She said we were best friends, even before we happened. But why was Lucy never a subject? Were we even friends in the first place? If so, why didn’t I know jackshit about this?

“I thought so,” I sigh, defeated. “You weren’t really sorry for not telling me, you were sorry that you got caught. It’s different.”

She looks down at her knotted fingers, a few tears seem to flow down her cheeks to her jaw, collecting tears at her chin.

“But it’s okay,” I began, making her snap her head in my direction, “it doesn’t really matter now anymore.” Her hopeful expression faded at my last statement.

It’s true though. As much as I’m mad about it, what good would it do to dwell on it further? Yes, I feel betrayed and deceived, but at the end of the day, Lucy is still her endgame. So why the hell would it matter if they had history before?

“Yeah..” she sighs.

“On a more pleasant note, Im glad you found your The One,” I smile, a sad one but a smile nevertheless, “Remember when we were 15 and 16? We dreamed about being famous. We talked about boys and how you want to marry the person who you know before we were well-known. You also wanted the person to be so similar to you, having the same thoughts and knowledge. I’m glad that Lucy reaches all your expectations, eventhough she’s a girl.”

She laughs softly now, tears still streaming down her face, “Indirectly, I think I was talking about you. We-”

“Stop,” I interrupt, “just stop.” I was hurt already, I don’t think I need another trip down memory lane. I’m emotionally tired. I’m already in pain. I feel so drained already and it’s still a little after 2pm. My brain is pounding, my heart is aching painfully, I’m looking at the girl that got away. What good would it do to talk about the days where everything was fine - great even - and simple?

“Sorry..” she mutters.

And at that, we continue watching the movie. But the stupid elephant was back and just stared at us. The tension was thick and I felt the need to lighten the situation.

“You wanna try writing on a song together?” Just yesterday, we made a deal to write a song together so why not do it now?

“You wanna do it now?” she asks.

“Now is as good as any.” I walk to my room, only to come back with a pen and my journal. The journal has a few deep entries but most of them were just ramblings and scattered song lyrics I don’t really use. The journal is leathery and white, with my name imprinted in front of the book.

I place the journal down at the coffee table and slide down to sit on the carpeted floor. She followed suit, causing our knees to brush each other. I move my knees up so it doesn’t touch, to somewhat create a barrier between her and me. She frowned when she realized what I’m doing but said nothing.

“So what song do you want it to be about?” I ask as I open to a fresh page, free from any type of ink.

“Love,” she says without a beat,.

“What about love?”

“A dead relationship,” she says with such simplicity. I squint my eyes, confused as to why she wants to write that since there’s nothing wrong with their relationship. Just as I want to ask she beats me to it by interpolating, “it’s not based on Lucy, it’s based on any relationship in general. An internal battle between whether they should break up or not.”

“Right,” I say, still unconvinced but decidedly lets it go.

We spend at about 30 minutes discussing about the base of the song.

Lauren’s phone rang from her back pocket. She takes it out, Lucy’s name temporarily imprinted on the phone.

“Hey baby… Oh, I’m at Camila’s.. Oh, okay.. Yeah, I don’t mind, take your time. We’re just chilling here so it’s okay.. Yeah, alright… You too,” she says through the phone. I can’t really hear the other side of that conversation so I don’t really know what’s happening. She ends the call after that, putting her phone on top of the coffee table.

“Lucy?” I say in the least noisiest way possible.

“Yeah, she said a friend is in LA and they’re going out.” This was another thing I see in Lauren. The amount of trust she has on Lucy is huge.

Back when we were together, it was hard. Lauren was a very possessive person and she was jealous at the littlest thing I do. We fought about it a lot; whether it’s about a guy I clearly have no interest in like Shawn or a girl I only see as a friend like Ariana or Taylor. No matter what I do to try to reassure her, she was too hard-headed to trust me.

Hell, even now… Just two days ago, she was jealous of Ariana. It kind of hurts, knowing that Lauren has never trusted me the way she trusts Lucy.

We spent the next few hours conveying our thoughts and feelings to the song. It was easy writing with her, probably because we have some kind of bond that I don’t seem to have with the other songwriters I’ve worked with. Lauren understands me to a personal level and vice versa.

At the end of the day, we seem to be pretty proud of our creation - or our baby if you must.

The only obstacle now is how to convince the label to include Lauren for the song. I want her on it because she deserves it just as much, if not more.

Isra Character Bio

So I finally sat down and wrote out the full bio for Isra!  Woo!!  Now a lot of these answers are based on the events up to chapter 5 in The Scion, so slight spoilers for the first arc.  Also, a lot of these questions are answered by Isra herself, though when she can’t, I labeled them with a WOG so you know that’s my answer.

Character bio template can be found here: http://yeahwrite.co/post/24774343500

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Isra Luana Douglas

Nickname: Bakagou likes to call me shadowy bitch.  Flint prefers Ningyo.  Flint’s is my favorite.

Reason for name: Isra means nocturnal journey, which given my dad’s family quirk, fits really well.  It was also suggested by a family friend, though I can’t remember who.  Luana was also tossed around, but according to Mom, she didn’t think it would fit as well.  I agree, and am glad they went with Isra and not Luana.

Birthday: February 13 (Aquarius).  I especially love it when it falls on a Friday.  If only Japan had the same superstitions.

Age: 14.  I will be 15 in time for the Entrance Exam.

Gender: Girl, she/her.

Place of birth: Honolulu, Hawaii.

Places lived since: Mustafa, Japan.

Parents’ names, backgrounds, occupations: Galen was my dad’s name.  I don’t remember what he did before he died.  Zoey was my mom’s name, and I think she was a pediatric nurse?  She was really sick for the last year she was with us, so I can’t really remember what she did either.

Number of siblings: Flint is technically considered my brother, since Sophia adopted me and we grew up together.  I don’t really remember Jack, since we really little when he died with Dad, but according to Sophia, we were close, like twins generally are in their early years.

Relationship with family: Dad’s side is pretty much gone.  Mom’s side, outside of Sophia and Flint, are all dicks and can never speak to me again, and I would not care.

Happiest memory: There was that time Mom was well enough to be out of the hospital in time for my birthday, so we went down to the beach and built sandcastles.  Mom wanted it to be a big party and invite all my friends, but I really just wanted her, Sophia and Flint.  Mom even got me a book I really loved, while Sophia got me this game that I could play with Mom when she had to go back to the hospital.  Flint showed me how to bodyboard in the waves, and even let me try his board.  After we had dinner, and then a cake.  Mom let me have her piece, and then laughed because I got it all over my face.

...That was the last time Mom got to celebrate my birthday.

Childhood trauma: I guess having both my dad and brother dying before I was even 4.  And then mom got sick and died too.  Then the CHI targeting me because of my “villainous” quirk.  Honestly, the deflating grades is probably the least bad thing to happen to me, though the school in general was full of dicks.

Children of her own?: I’m 14.  What kids?

PHYSICAL

Height: 5’6.5” or 169 cm.  An inch taller than Izuku.

Weight: I thought it was rude to ask a person their weight?  I guess maybe about 150 pounds.  That or 70 kg.  I don’t know, I don’t weigh myself regularly.

Build: What?  I guess I’m fit, and I don’t have much in way of hips or chest.  I’m 14.

Nationality: American, White.

Disabilities: Um… chronic pain in my leg, though only affects me if I did a lot of running.  Sophia thinks I might have ADHD, but I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  The second one’s been around since I was little, and mostly shows itself as being unable to talk in certain situations, particularly in schools and around teachers.  I’ve been working on it, and I can use my quirk or sign language to communicate, I just can’t speak.  I’m on antidepressants for the others, and am mostly fine.

Complexion: Tanned, no freckles.  Definitely have acne, though it’s mostly on the shoulders and back.  No notable birthmarks.

Face shape: Face shape?  I mean, I guess it’s round?

Distinguishing facial features: Given that I’m white in Japan?  Eye Shape.

Hair color: Violet, though the tips go black when I use my quirk for long periods of time.

Usual hair style: It’s normally down, though I tie it back when working out.  There is this annoying strand that for some reason stays short and tends hang between my eyes.

Eye color: It’s a light grey most of the time, though turns black when I use my quirk.

Glasses? Contacts?: I have glasses.  Aizawa-sensei says I may need to get contacts when I get into high school if I’m going to become a hero, since glasses will just get in the way.  I get that, they just feel weird.

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Loose, long, baggy.  I prefer graphic tees, but they stand out like a sore thumb, so I tend to stick with solid cool colors.

Typical style of shoes: No heels.  Covered shows that I can slip on and off are great.

Health: I’m generally in good health and don’t get sick often.  When I do… urgh.

Grooming: People wear clothes that are already dirty?!  Yuck!  Anyways, I tend to shower once a day, and my clothes are cleaned regularly.  Hair is brushed a couple times a day, but I don’t do anything fancy.  I do have to also wash my face before bed, but I don’t wear makeup.  Pretty sure it’s against school rules anyway.

Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: Pretty sure those are against school rules.  I don’t like jewelry that much, and don’t care for piercings.  As for tattoos, I’m in Japan.  Tattoos aren’t seen… favorably here.

Accent?: I guess it’s close to Standard American, with a bit of Hawaiian?  At least in English.  According to Izuku, my Japanese sounds pretty American, though I do have the r down.

Unique mannerisms/physical habits: According to Sophia, I tend to bite bottom lip when I’m concentrating.  I tap my foot when impatient.  I also tend to walk quietly and my shoes get really worn out by the balls of my feet.  My quirk tends to act up when I’m nervous or stressed out.

Athletic?: Training to become a hero, and Mom insisted that Flint and I take martial arts after Dad and Jack...

INTELLECT

Level of education: Third Year Middle School, which is about equivalent to a Freshman in High School in America.

Level of self esteem: I know I’m smart, I know I have a good quirk.  I also know that I’m not the best.

Gifts/talents: I have a nice strong quirk, and I tend to pick up on things quickly, especially if there’s a clear pattern.

Shortcomings: ...I really have a hard time speaking aloud, especially around strangers.  I also don’t like putting up with other people’s shit and will call them out, which some people don’t like.  It’s led to a couple of fights.

Style of speech: Um… I guess pretty informal?

“Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: I prefer to be pretty logical, but according to Yagi-sensei and Aizawa-sensei, I can come up with some really odd ideas.  Don’t know what they mean, after all, how else will Izuku learn not to block with his elbows without a bit of pain?  Trust me, if you want strange ideas, get Izuku started on one of his quirk ramblings.  Some of his theories and ideas can be pretty out there.

Artistic?: I like art, and doodling helps me concentrate.  Flint has been pushing me to try drawing.

Mathematical?: Oh math?  That’s easy.  At least the tests and classes would be if I could understand what the teacher is asking.  I know he’s doing it on purpose, but it gets really frustrating when on tests, he throws in kanji that I almost never see, without the hiragana.

Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: ...There are people who can make decisions based on logic without it taking forever to decide?

Neuroses: What’s neuroses?  ...Oh.  Um, I do have extreme anxiety, and have since I was little, hence the mutism.  I was also diagnosed with depression, and was maybe not in a good place before I met Izuku… And I do have PTSD after CHI.  I’m working on it with a therapist and psych, and I’m doing a lot better, but I do have moments were I just… reset to a couple of years ago.  I wish I could get better faster.

Life philosophy: Go out and do what I want to do.  Life is too short for regrets.

Religious stance: The stories can be pretty interesting.  I just don’t believe in that stuff.  And if I find something funny in the story, I will laugh, sacred text be damned.

Cautious or daring?: Depends.  I’m not as cautious as Izuku, but I’m nowhere near as daring as Bakagou.  Then again, that’s probably a good thing.

Most sensitive about/vulnerable to: I really don’t like people judging others about their quirks.  I also am very sensitive about my own quirk.  I don’t like not being able to use it if I need to.  It’s probably the main reason I don’t feel fully comfortable around Aizawa-sensei after Izuku realized who he was.  I just… had a bad experience when I wasn’t able to use my quirk.

Optimist or pessimist?: I think I’m more a realist.  I prefer the thought of prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  I do like looking for the bright side of something when things are shitty.

Extrovert or introvert?: Mix.  Crowds are tiring, but I do like hanging out with Izuku, Flint, Aunty Inko, and Sophia.  Aizawa-sensei is good too, but Yagi-sensei can be draining.

Level of comfort with technology: I know how to use the devices I come into contact with, but I would not be able to fix them.  Breaking them is easy, though, especially if I’m allowed my quirk.

RELATIONSHIPS

Current marital/relationship status: Single.  A little busy with school, training and studying.  Plus all the kids at school are jackasses.

Sexual orientation: ...I don’t know.  I don’t quite understand what everyone means by hot and wanting to bang someone.  Not even Izuku could really explain it in a way that makes sense.  Oh well, Sophia doesn’t seem too worried about it, so maybe it’s not so bad.  (WOG: She’s ace/aro, just hasn’t quite realized it yet.  She’s 14.)

Past relationships: None.

Primary reason for being broken up with: Kinda need to have had one to be broken up with.

Primary reasons for breaking up with people: Again, need a relationship for a break up.

Level of sexual experience: Um, virgin.  I haven’t dated at all.

Story of first kiss: I haven’t really thought about it.  I don’t know, maybe after a romantic date?  Do people seriously think about this stuff at my age?  I thought that was just a thing for stories.

Story of loss of virginity: Um, what?  I’m 14.  I haven’t given it much thought.  I guess if I meet someone I really like?

A social person?: I don’t have many friends, but those I do I will fight for.  Most people are put off by the mutism, and I really don’t like interacting with strangers, especially in large crowds.

Most comfortable around: Hard to say, but if I had to pick, Izuku.

Oldest friend: Hina.  Jack and I met her back in daycare.  We were together until I moved to Japan.  We’re still in touch.

How does he/she think others perceive her?: I think the mutism puts a lot of people off.  I also do tend to pick fights, though most of the time they’re asking for it.

How do others actually perceive her?: WOG: A lot of people see her as a haughty foreigner who befriended the quirkless freak who wants to be a hero.  Toshinori and Aizawa see the hard worker she is, and how protective she is of Izuku.

VOCATION

Profession: I’m a student, about to become a hero-in-training.

Past occupations: I didn’t know there was an occupation before student.

Passions: I like learning, and I want to make sure no one feels hopeless and alone.

Attitude towards current job: It depends on the subject.  I do like learning, when the teachers are competent and will actually treat their teachers fairly.  Orudera sucks ass.

Attitude towards current coworkers, bosses, employees: Most of the other students are assholes who I wish would leave Izuku alone.  Seriously, what did he do to them to warrant all the shit they put him through?  Don’t answer that, I know they’re just entitled assholes who need to feel better about themselves and are just taking it out on him.  Teachers aren’t much better, though if Aizawa-sensei is any indication, UA is a million light years better.

Salary: Wait, I’m supposed to be paid?  Jesus, all my schools were full of dicks if they were skipping out on my paycheck.

SECRETS (Every character–no matter how minor–should always have secrets!)

Phobias: Abandoned buildings remind me a bit too much of CHI.  I also don’t like being in hospitals, though I’m better there than abandoned buildings.  Also I don’t like being unable to use my quirk.  Honestly, if Aizawa-sensei were to erase my quirk, I’d probably have a panic attack.

Life goals: To become an Underground Hero.

Dreams: To save others so they don’t have to feel helpless.

Greatest fears: Being unable to protect the ones I love.

Most ashamed of: Those months between CHI and becoming friends with Izuku.  I really, really wasn’t in a good place.

Most embarrassing thing ever to happen to her: Oh god, there was this one time where we were showing Flint’s friend Naotsu Todoroki how to have fun at the mall.  Well, my shoes came undone, which Izuku pointed out.  Now I never trip on them, so I just rolled my eyes.  Then we go up the escalator.  Just as we’re stepping off, the escalator decides to eat my laces.  Nearly broke my nose and had to get new shoes after that.  Flint could not stop laughing for the rest of the day.

Compulsions: Checking a new location and new people with my quirk.  Just constantly checking that my quirk is working.

Obsessions: I guess my need to constantly make sure my quirk is on and working counts.

Secret hobbies: I like to read and doodle.  Most of my free time is spent studying and working on my Japanese with Izuku.  He also likes to drag me to his hero fights just so he has someone to help him analyze and bounce ideas off.

Secret skills: Good at martial arts, being just below first dan in both judo and taekwondo.

Past sexual transgressions: ...what?

Crimes committed: I guess quirk usage?  Does that count, cause everyone breaks that law, and you don’t really get in much trouble, so long as it’s not for vigilante/villainous stuff.

What she most wants to change about her current life: I’d kinda like not to have all the shit wrong in my head.  Also wouldn’t mind having my parents and Jack back.

What she most wants to change about her physical appearance: My hair is a little noticeable.  I’d probably just change it to be like a black or dark brown, something that’d blend into the shadows a little better.

DETAILS/QUIRKS

Daily routine: Get up, get ready, drag Izuku to school (hopefully without running into any hero fights on the way), nap when I can, doodle or do homework in the classes where the teacher won’t let me sleep, have lunch with Fujita-sensei and Izuku, after school go and train with Yagi-sensei and maybe Aizawa-sensei, go home and finish my homework with Izuku.

Night owl or early bird?: Night owl, oh so much.

Light or heavy sleeper?: Apparently I’m a pretty heavy sleeper, even when sleep walking.  Sophia’s given up on waking me and just puts me back in bed.  Thank god our front door is locked.

Favorite food: Strawberry Bon Bons are the absolute best.

Least favorite food: You give me anything with even the littlest amount of spice and I will break all the toes in your feet.

Favorite book: Flint had me read this book a few years back called Blue Skin of the Sea, and it was pretty good.  I don’t have much in way of favorite books, though.

Least favorite book: If a book is so bad, I will drop it within a few chapters.  I guess I’d have to say Warriors got pretty bad after the first couple of series.  And there was that bear series the same author wrote that wasn’t that good.

Favorite movie: A classic, but The Princess Bride.  I have a few memories of curling up with Mom, Flint and Sophia just laughing at it.  Haven’t watched it in years.

Least favorite movie: I swear to god if Izuku makes me watch that All Might movie again, I will put him in a fucking choke hold.  That or make him watch Watership Down.

Favorite song: Oh god… If it’s just musical pieces, Hopes and Dreams from Undertale.  But if it needs words, either Kuraiinu’s English Cover of Peace Song or Sora ni Utaeba by amazarashi.

Least favorite song: 100 Years, by Five for Fighting.  My homeroom teacher back in 6th grade insisted on having us sing it.  Just thinking about it reminds me of her.

Coffee or tea?: Tea, particularly non-bitter.  Caffeine doesn’t really work on me anyways.

Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: Smooth, with a nice glass of milk.

Type of car she drives: I don’t know.  Something useful, but would blend in.  Mm, maybe a bike?

Lefty or righty?: Righty.  Though maybe I should learn to use my left more, it’d be so useful.

Favorite color: Light purple, lavender.

Cusser?: I learned a lot of Japanese ones from Bakagou.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: I do have an antidepressant subscription, but nothing really beyond that.

Biggest regret: ...I really wasn’t in a good place before I met Izuku.  I just regret how much I worried Sophia and Flint at the time. 

Pets?: Don’t have one.  Wouldn’t mind a cat.

odfidk: 140818 - 1

ok so i really want to talk to a therapist but i wont be comfortable explaining my life story if theyre white. i just want help cus im always so tired but no one helps. ive been angry, fighting my whole life but no one cares. i came as an angry anxious baby. i was furious when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time,  abandoned multiple times just to be bought by these white foreigners i didnt even understand. but no one cared. no one knew how to handle my loss and pain, and my dad’s emotionally abusive as it is, making me grow up, feeling like theres smth wrong with me. that im just an annoying angry kid by default or smth, while my sister was the perfect one. thats why i always protected her. thats why i always stood up against his accusations,  guilt tripping and anger. because my little sister was too afraid and i was already labelled as the problematic kid. but im tired. she’s fkn 15. after all the things ive done for her the least she gan do is ask me how im feeling fromt time to time. my whole family knows ive been depressed for like 2 years and the only one who cares is my mom who just survived a 7 year old long ptsd. i hear from her that my sister appreciates it but i never get anything from her. i dont feel appreciated in this family at all. im still the angry annoying sjw and nothing i say will ever be taken seriously by our dad cus hes a master of making both me, my sister and mom (probably brothers too but they fkn abandoned us a long time ago those pussies, leaving 10 year old me to fend for me and lil sis all on my own while our parents were divorcing, mom was suicidal, dad abusive and economy crashing) feel like shit. their divorce was probably my first trigger factor. it took me 2,5 years, i was 4 the first time i dared to let go of my parents. first time they could leave me out of sight without me being ”annoying and screaming” aka having a fucking panic attack. their divorce was another abandonment, another trauma and i never learnt how to get over that either.

yesterday i was crying in the bathroom for 2 hours straight bc my family doesnt love me, i get out and no one cares. i literally told my dad he wouldnt care if i died yesterday and he didnt react. he fkn closed the balcony door bc he didnt want the neighbors to hear me ”so angry and upset”. i yelled at him that when i commit suicide its going to be his fault but hes so narcissist and dumb he doesnt understand. so i threw smth and destroyed smth and tHEN he reacted. i love having to use unhealthy techniques like suicide threats and murdering threats to get a reaction. i once did that and this ex friend threatened to report me to the police for murder threat. her mom even called my boyfriends mom to warn them of me but she didnt even call my mom??? she didnt care abt the fact that next to my ”i want to kill everyone. dream of murdering my family” i also wrote ”i want to kill myself”. dont remind me of this though. im not proud of it. i know its weong to manipuqlte like this but no one teached me how to deal with my feelings and avandonemnt issues in a healthy way. and so i’ve took after my dad and turned into this controlling emtoionally abuser, all bottled up, constantly angry and sad, guilt tripping and manipulating the people im supposed to love in fear of them abandoning me. and i will always hate the world for making me suffer like this. 

i just want to rest. im tired of always fighting for something as basic as love and safety. i never got over the loss of mom and culture and people. and i lost every sense of safety i had built up during my adoptive parents divorce and older brothers leaving. and im unhappy, im always unhappy because i miss my mom and culture and people so much. i feel misplaced and lost. the only thing keeping me alive being the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of being able to actually help people with my experiences and knowledge, to help other international transracial adoptees or maybe fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like.... nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. if im never going to be happy ive been suffering for nothing. ive tried so hard in my life but nothing works. im cursed. i really am cursed but not only do people leave me im also incapable of feeling other peoples love. i cant feel other peoples love because the only love i want is my mothers. my REAL mother, my ACTUAL mother, the chinese mother society loves to shame and make me forget because you all see her as a threat to my white parents claim over me.

the only difference between me and all those other ”normal” adoptees (aka my little sister) is that they’re whitewashed to death by their family, probably even more emotionally abused than i was and also they’ve repressed their feelings and trauma and I AM THE VERY REASON ADOPTEES DO THAT. ME AND ADOPTEES OVERREPRESENTATION IN SUICIDE STATISTICS ARE THE REASONS BECAUSE ITS GOING TO KILL YOU. my abortion and friend-break up was the last trigger before i exploded but believe me, it would have happened sooner or later anyways. my whole life has been a trigger. however many adoptees live their whole lives without ever waking up from this pretty little perfect sunshine story their parents and society had told them. there’s a reason so many adoptees are whitewashed to death and hates your disrespectful nosy questions. its a survival technique. we know that if we want to survive a life with our background conditions, then we have to repress our feelings concerning our adoption and everything associated with it. its not conciously, ITS A DEFENSE MECHANISM. and we get so much shit for it, which is understandable because many adoptees are fucking racist asshats. but you need to fucking understand that its because they’ve learnt to hate themselves and their own people. they’re TERRIFIED of being associated with immigrants and people of color because they know their white racist parents secretely hate them and actually secretely hate them too. all they want is love, they dont know anything else. it sucks to argue with a 40 year old adoptee of color though who’s still racist and whitewashed af, thats just sad and i would love to focus more on younger adoptees and help and support them through their ”awakening”. the awakening is much like learning about sexism or racism and how its ingrained in everything and practiced by your family and friends. just 100x worse cus you realize your family isnt even your family and you’re all alone in your thoughts, feelings, experiences and eventual search.

and adoptive parents and adoption organisations need to take fucking respnsobility for once without blaming everything on our traumatic past. you’re not ready to adopt non-white kids with trauma. you’re not educated enough and you placing us in all-white countries and neighborhoods, with problematic and abusive parents will not help. and im not speaking for myself, im speaking for ALL international transracial adoptees. im tired of hearing ”but your sister”, ”but my daughter is not”, ”my son doesnt care” WELL AS I SAID THEY DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER GIVEN THEM THE CHANCE OR REASON TO CARE. IVE SACRIFICED MYSELF FOR MY SISTER. IVE FOUGHT OUR PARENTS, IVE TOLD THEM I HATE THEM, IVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD TO TEST THEM, MY MOM WAS SUFFERING FROM PTSD AND I WAS THE MOST ANNOYING PROBLEMATIC KID EVER BECAUSE 1. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN AND 2. TO SEE IF THEY WOULD FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH AND LEAVE ME. I DID THAT BECAUSE I COULDNT LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT FEAR OF ONE DAY HAVING THEM GROW TIRED OF ME AND ABANDON ME. I WANTED THEM TO BECAUSE THEIR DIVORCE WAS AVANDOBMENT ENOUGH. I DID THAT BECAUSE MY KIND LITTLE QUIET SISTER WOULD NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO. SHE WOULD NEVER DARE TO STAND UP AGAINST OUR DAD OR QUESTION THEIR BAD PARENTING AND UNDEDUCATION WHEN IT COMES TO RACISM/ADOPTION INDUSTRY BECAUSE SHES SCARED. SHE HATES CONFLICTS AND FIGHTS BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT TRIGGERS HER. SHE GETS TRIGGERED BY FIGHTS AND I GET TEIGGERED WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME BECAUSE SHES AVOIDANT AND IM ATTACKING. I WANT TO FIGHT BC THATS HOW I FEEL PPL CARE. WHEN MY DAD WALKS OUT ON ME WHEN I TRY TO FIGHT OR SAY SOMETHING THATS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER. WHEN I FIGHT WITH MT BF AND HE DOESNT ANSWER MY TEXTS OR HE SUDDENLY HUNGS UP ON ME THATS THE BIGGEST TRIGGER. MY SISTER WOULD HUNG UP BC SHE WOULD FIND SOMEONE LIKE ME SCARY BUT WE ALL GET TRIGGERED BY DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON THOUGH IS OUR TRUSMA AND OUR ABANDOMENT ISSUES. SHES ALSO AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED, WE ALL FUCKING ARE, MANY OF US JUST DONT KNOW IT YET BECAUSE OUR PARENTS ARENT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE KIDS WITH TRAUMA. I KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE POLITICS AND SOCIAL JUSTICE SO I EDUCATED MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. MY SISTER LOVES NATURAL SCIENCE SO SHE DOESNT KNOW A SHIT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT A BISEXUAL IS AND SHES FKN 15, SHES AWESOME AT NATURAL SHIT AND THATS IT. I KNOW BECAUSE IVE ACTIVELY SOUGHT INFORMATION ABOUT IT BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES. NO ONE HELPED ME. EVERYTHING IVE LEARNT AND EVERYTHING I KNOW IS THANKS TO MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. ADOPTIVE PARENTS DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT RACISM OR TRAUMAS. MY MOM UNDERSTANDS BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT IF I DIDNT COME UP WITH THESE THEORIES ON MY OWN SHE NEVER WOULD. SHE TELLS ME NOW AT AGE 19 THAT ADOPTING ME, SEEING ME SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE AS I WAS HANDED OVER FELT WRONG. SHE FELT LIE SHE WAS TAKING ME, THAT IT WAS INHUMANE. AND NOW SHE KNEW WHY. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING WRONG AND INHUMANE. SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION IF I DIDNT PUSH HER WITH MY KNOWLEGE. IM THE ONE EDUCATING MY PARENTS AND ITS ONLY MY MOM LISTENING AND SINCE SHES WHITE AND NOT ADOPTED HERSELF SHES STILL ONLY ABLE TO UNDERSTAND LIKE 50% OF IT

i honestly dont get enough appreciation in this family. the only thinkers in this family is me, my mom and one of my brothers. but fuck him as i said, he abandoned us during their divorce and he’s been absent all my teenage years. we could have been close, he could have helped me bc he also suffered from depression. he gould have protected me like i proteced my little sister but he didnt. maybe it was the age gap or the fact that me and my sister are adopted while he and our other brother isnt, we’ll never know. all i know is that unlike my other brother and our dad he’s not completely unfamiliar with what racism, sexism and capitalism is. he’s not dumb and empty. he got a brain and he would be capable of understanding these things just like mom if he wanted to. but its been so many years, he’s fucking 28 and he betrayed me that bitch.

i really dont get enough appreciation. no one ever tells me they love me or appreciate my brain since im the only one analyzing shit. my mom does too but only personal and psycholgy shit never society or groups like oppression and structures and systems. im the only one doing that and im good at it. i always see patterns and i know my politics very well so i can easily see what kind of ideology people have. but i never get credit for it. im still just the lazy kid while my sister get cred for..... idk studying and working our and being didciplined. also ive been through mich more than anyone in this family. my mom and brother has also been through shit, i mean okay ALL OF them have because all people go through shit, but ive LEARNT things and they havent. they’ve repressed it or ignored it. only my mom and brother have also learnt but they never talk. my brother is avodiant like my sister. he never talks. hes quiet to himself and thinks. my mom talks but shes still a pussy