I was cutting a tree today when in the distance I saw a deer taking a leisurely Sunday stroll in the middle of the road. It was far away but it looked like a kind of deer I’d never seen before, so I climbed on a rock and tried to get a better look and

ah. It’s Pampe.

I ran to my car, which seemed to be the only way to catch up with her when she was already this far, and soon enough she was happily trotting on the road, followed by a frustrated car, a situation she is familiar with and apparently enjoys. At one point I got out of the car and tried to lure her with muesli but a llama on the run trusts no muesli. She all but scoffed at me and walked away and I had to get back in the car and continue stalking her with mounting exasperation.

The closest neighbours I know in this direction are the florist and her husband, the guy who breeds swans; they are nice and I was hoping Pampe would head towards their farm and they’d help me catch her. Or their swans would. I was wondering if a gang of swans could corner a llama when we reached the crossroads, and Pampe unexpectedly turned back towards my house, following the first good idea she’s ever had in her life. I gladly escorted her in this direction but when we got to the crossroads to my house she didn’t turn. She was determined to stay on the main road. Maybe she was hoping we’d run into other drivers who would stop and admire her, which has happened before but had zero chance of happening today. Pampe doesn’t know about the lockdown.

We reached a place where the road was large enough for me to overtake her and block the road with my car. I had spent the past 2km grimly strategising with that place in mind and I successfully forced her to turn back. But I thought I would go insane if we just went right back to where we’d come from and continued doing laps for the next hour so my new, ice-cold strategy was to freak Pampe out until all she wanted was to run to mama and cry. I started driving faster and turned on the fog lights and opened the windows and put the radio on at max volume even though there’s no reception so it was just very loud white noise. Pampe went from fun escapade on a quiet country road to running for her life, chased by a metal monster with glowing eyes that roared SCHRHRCHHFHRHCHH.

We quickly reached my dirt road and she did what any scared animal in possession of a brain would do and chose the safety of home. I left my car in the middle of the road with the lights on & doors akimbo, a glowering Cerberus blocking the way in case she fancied turning back again, and followed her to the pasture’s gate. She calmed down when she saw her mum and started investigating my house, immediately noticing an open window through which she could slither her long neck to look for a new crime to commit. I ignored her and went to fetch a hay net and gave her mum & Pirlouit a surprise snack, and Pampe decided interesting things sometimes happened in her pasture, and walked in to have some hay. Her mother looked at her like :l Pirlouit marvelled at the unexpected hay. Pandolf was jumping for joy all over the kitchen because his llama friend paid him a visit through the window.

She is hiding behind the tree but make no mistake, she is very proud of herself for adding yet another chapter to The Great and Mutinous Adventures of Pampérigouste.