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#i feel like i’m in a healthier place now
theladybarnes · 2 days
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CRIMSON AND CLOVER: CHAPTER SEVEN
“What if I'm not good? What if I'm the monster?”
▸ summary: things get messy between the group and you feel as if you’re out of luck (&time) ▸ characters: steve harrington, eddie munson,dustin henderson, robin buckley, max mayfield, & nancy wheeler ▸ word count: 10k ▸ warnings: angst, semi-fluff, mentions of death, slight canon divergence ▸ series masterlist
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“I guess the old man taught me well, huh?”
 The sudden weight of falling down into the cold street hit you harder than you expected. Forcing you to reach out and grip onto the blue car behind you. Wait, you know this car. 
 “What?..” you whispered, taking a step back. It was Billy’s blue Camaro, still warm from being recently used. But you weren’t anywhere near his car– Your thoughts are cut off when you suddenly take in your dim reflection from the car window. 
 The entirety of your right eye was black and teary. Instead of being trapped in the mall again, you’re suddenly back from having just left the tunnels that had run beneath Hawkins. But if you're by Billy’s car then..
 Turning around, you nearly gasped at the sight of Billy. He’s healthier than the last time you saw him. No Flayer tentacles stuck in his chest. No dead look in his eyes. He was back to the regular asshole you knew before. The sight of his former appearance has you taken back. 
 “Billy..” you croaked, unsure what to say. “I-...”
 “She’s speechless.” Billy laughed, taking a step towards you. “What a nice change.”
 Every part of you is aware that this isn’t real, but seeing him before you is leaving your mind puzzled. “You should go inside, Billy.” you got out eventually, gesturing toward his home, but the moment you glanced over, you noticed it was gone. The land stripped down to just the gutted floor of the house. Only the lawn had been laid intact. 
 “I don’t have a home anymore. I don’t have anything.” he said slowly, voice dark as he inched closer. You tried to step back, but something about his tone had your feet frozen in place. He took the chance to stand behind you now, wrapping his arms around you in order to pull you close. 
 He was ice cold.
 “All because of you..” he said into your ear, tickling your skin with his cold breath. 
 “I didn’t..I didn’t do anything to you, Billy.”
 “Exactly,” he agreed. “You didn’t help me..you didn’t save me. You let me die, you let the flayer get me.” 
 His grip got tighter, causing you to wince out in pain. You had to get out of this. “Let me go.” you said calmly despite the chill that was now coming up your spine. “Billy, let me GO.”
 “It’s sad when you consider what’s happened,” he continued on, pressing his face against the side of yours. “Billy said that he loved you, tried to get back together with you, and you left him in the dust for a guy that wouldn’t even consider leaving town for you.” 
 There were so many alarms going off in your head but you couldn’t help but focus on one in particular. 
 “Billy? You mean yourself, right?” you asked, trying to turn your face to look at him. But he simply reached one of his cold arms up to pinch at your cheeks, forcing you to look at the empty lot in front of you. 
 “No one is ever going to pick you, you know? At the end of the day it’ll always be someone better, someone worth sticking around you. There’s no happy ending for you.” His lips ghosted around the base of your neck before he chuckled lightly against you. “No happy ending for us..”
 You shook your head, trying to get his daunting words out of your head. “I’m nothing like you..”
 That only made him even more amused, raising a laugh out of his chest. “We’re a lot alike, actually.” he hummed, “We use people for pleasure and toss them aside when they decide to go against what we want.”
 “I don’t do that.” you said, turning around enough to face him. He looked at you with a smirk before he pinched at your cheek. “I would never do that to anyone.” you added, swatting his hand away.
 “So you didn’t dump Steve for saying no to the big move?” he gasped, feigning shock. “Or better yet, you’re not ditching your poor Eddie after he left you alone to wander the forest? I mean, you didn’t even bother to let him speak. He’s probably beating himself up but you don’t care. Not when Stevie is giving you the ol’ love and attention you need. Which, let’s be honest, babydoll, is pretty shitty of you to use him for a quick fuck instead of talking things out. Thought that’s the sort of shit girls like to do.”
 His words cut through you like knives, dredging up thoughts you tried to bury deep down. But then, something shifted. Billy mentioned Eddie, someone he couldn't possibly have known about. Their paths never crossed once if you thought hard about it. 
 "You don't know Eddie," you said slowly, voice struggling between sounding calm and trembling. "How could you possibly know what I’ve done with him if you’re dead..”
 A sinister smile twisted Billy's lips as his grip tightened, sending searing pain coursing through your body. "He’s been watching you," he confessed, his voice dripping with malice. "And boy does he have plans for all of you..”
 The world around you began to fall apart. The dark sky falling apart like fabric unraveling to reveal a dark crimson sky. The distance etched with bursts of lightning to light up a world in an ominous glow. 
 “This isn’t happening..” you promised yourself, eyes squeezed shut, desperately trying to convince yourself that this was just a dream, that none of it was real.
 “Oh babydoll, did you still think this was just a dream?” (tick)
 The arms around you felt different, and you opened your eyes in time to see Billy back to looking like the night of mall fire. His eyes glistened with tears and smile oozed with the dark bloody liquid that seeped from all over his wounds. 
 “Time for a wake up call.” (tock)
 Before you could react, he shoved you with a force that sent you crashing to the ground. Landing hard on the unforgiving concrete that shot your body in instant pain. Just as you began to process what had just happened, a deafening roar filled the air.
 To your right, the blinding headlights of an oncoming car came into your vision, hurtling toward you at a terrifying speed. You barely managed to get your hands up to cover your face right as it was about to hit you.
 And then, just as suddenly as it had begun, you woke up.
 Gasping for air, you sat bolt upright in bed, heart racing with adrenaline. Sweat soaked your skin, and a sense of lingering dread clung onto you like a heavy cloak. The warm glowing light of the sun peeked through your curtains. Nothing like the red haunting sky that was in your dream. New day, new nightmare. You thought.
 “Hey, are you awake?” 
 Dustin burst into the room, nearly sending you back into panic mode as you scrambled to get out of the bed. Defensive position ready for the attack. The younger boy held onto the door knob in shock, holding a hand out too in case you were about to strike him.
 “Whoa,” he chuckled nervously, looking at you carefully. “You okay? You’re all sweaty.” 
 You licked over your lips, pushing back the hair away from your face. “I’m fine.” you nodded, trying to calm yourself down. “Just got spooked.”
 “Right,” he said slowly, skeptically, even. “Well, Steve called. Said he was going to head over here if you wanna shower or something before leaving.”
 Turning away from your cousin, you tried to gain some sort of control over yourself as you trudged over to your dresser. Picking out some clothes you could change into after your shower. But from behind you could feel Dustin lingering at the door, a familiar worry still in the air.
 “I’m fine, Dustin.” you said, before he could ask. You focused on the clothes before you gathered for your shower. “It was just a bad sleep.” 
 “You sure? Because..we’d all get if it you needed a day to jump back into–”
 “I said I’m fine!” you snapped, turning around finally. The glare on your face is enough to have him take a step back. As if your words were a slap to his face. Guilt quickly filled into your gut and you rubbed a hand over your tired face. “I’m sorry I’m just tired.”
 “I get it.” he cleared his throat, “I’ll be in the living room.”
 Without another word, he turned on his heels and made his exit. Not two minutes into the day and you were already messing things up again. 
 “Time for a wake up call.” 
 You shuddered at the words that repeated in your head and quickly left the room. Hoping for the shower to wash away the remnants of your latest nightmare and give you a chance to start the day fresh.
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 The car ride to the supermarket was spent mostly with Dustin yammering to Steve about the plans for today while you sat quietly in the back. The nightmare that pulled you out of your sleep still left you frazzled. Even with the help of a hot shower that tried to wash away the haunting memory. So while Steve kept checking over you now and then, you managed to keep to yourself until you guys arrived at the market. 
 Instantly Dustin wandered off in search of snacks for Eddie once inside. Leaving you and Steve to navigate the supermarket aisles together as a small awkward tension lingered in the air. You focused on gathering supplies, your mind preoccupied with thoughts of what would be enough to last Eddie for the unforeseeable future. 
 "Hey," Steve's voice broke through the silence, causing you to glance up from the decorated can of the Smurf’s Beef Ravioli you were inspecting. His curious gaze met yours, and you couldn't help but notice the worry etched into his features.
 "You look exhausted," he remarked softly, his tone filled with genuine concern.
 You wanted to sigh. 
 Of course Steve would be the first one today to distinctly look past all the makeup you expertly applied this morning to notice the exhaustion you were feeling. After the harsh nightmare, the bags in your eyes seemed to take a permanent residence. Offering a weary smile, you attempted to brush past his observation in order to change the mood. “Is that your subtle way of saying I look terrible?” 
 His eyes widened, worried for a second that you were being serious. “Of course not!” he scoffed, moving closer to you. “You’re gorgeous..but I can tell you look exhausted.” 
 You watched him carefully, waiting to see if he’d crack from the line of questioning, but when he tilted his head at you, keeping a worried gaze, you let out the withheld sigh, giving in a little bit. “I had a pretty harsh nightmare, don’t think I really slept well the whole night.”
 The palm of his hand met your cheek gently. Thumb rubbing against the soft skin before he reached over to push a piece of hair away from your face. "That bad, huh?" he murmured, looking at your features. "Why don't you let me stay over tonight? Just a friendly sleepover. You can wake me up if things get too intense."
 You couldn't help but chuckle at his offer. Recalling the past summer filled with nights of him on the pretense of just sleeping. "A sleepover, really? With just the two of us?"
 He shrugged, a small smile playing on his lips. "It's not like it's the first time I've slept over at your place."
 You raised an eyebrow, unable to suppress a teasing grin from tugging on your face. “Well, if I recall correctly, we didn’t really sleep at those either.”
 A faint blush crept up Steve's cheeks, and he scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. "Okay, fair point," he admitted, a hint of embarrassment coloring his voice. "But seriously, I just want to help. You don't have to go through this alone."
 It would be so easy to say yes. Give in to that natural urge that always wanted the company of the man before you. To have him by your side and give you all the attention and care you know he would willingly give to you. But your nightmare played in your mind again and you couldn’t help but feel the familiar twist of guilt form in your stomach again. 
 You opened your mouth to decline the offer when a case of YooHoos was placed quickly into the cart. An out of breath Dustin wiped over the sweat from his forehead, looking between the two of you expectantly. “It’s almost ten and we still have to pick up the others. Let’s go.” 
 Steve looked over still waiting on an answer from you but all you could do is offer a meek smile. “All right,” you nodded to Dustin. “Let’s head out.” Without looking back, you made your way towards the registers. Stomach twisting more than ever now.
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 Thankfully picking up Robin and Max turned out to be quicker than expected. Max had taken the bus to the other girl’s house, making the trips cut down less after Dustin explained you’d also have to make a stop at the hilltop to use his Cerebro. And after some unsettling updates from the Hawkins police department, you all were able to finally make the drive over to the Lipton boat house.
 A part of you was slightly nervous to face Eddie again after yesterday. You never really felt the best after chewing out people you cared about. But add the hurt from the day before, plus the predicament with Steve, and the newest bit of information, your body was slowly aching in all sorts of places as you tried to navigate each feeling.
 “The streets should be busy today, most of Hawkins are probably over their hangovers from  Friday and have to go back to shopping for the week. We’ll have time to look for clues around the trailer later.” you heard Dustin say to everyone as he and Max took the lead towards the boat house. 
 “God,” you said suddenly, stopping in place. The days quickly calculated in your mind and you couldn’t help but feel another worry. Robin and Steve both turned at your voice, looking at you curiously before you wiped your hands over your face. “I was supposed to work with Keith today..”
 The two of them looked at each other for a second before letting out amused chuckles. 
 “What’s so funny?” you frowned.
 “Honey, Robin and I closed up the store at seven o’clock last night so we could all go find Eddie.” Steve cleared up.
 “Not to mention Steve was gone a whole hour before that to go find you.” she snorted, trudging over with the groceries still in hand as she draped an arm over your shoulder. “We’re totally fired.”
 “Fired?” you gaped, slightly worried by how easily over it they seemed to be. “B-but you guys needed the jobs!”
 “There’s thousands of other part time jobs in Hawkins, kid.” Robin sighed, giving you a tight lipped smile. “We’ll just have to update our resumes..again.”
 She left with that, leaving the two of you behind to join the others down the hill. Glancing at Steve, you opened your mouth, ready to apologize about his likely termination, but he quickly leaned over to press a finger to your lips.
 “Don’t even think about apologizing.” he said sternly. “Because no one in the whole world could have stopped me from leaving. Not when it comes to you.”
 Again, you’re left speechless by the man before you. 
 There couldn’t be any proper explanation as to why Steve continuously gave you more than you deserved. Not one that you would believe in anyway. You’ve hurt him, pushed him, and left him with no reason to do things for you. And off he’d go, ditching his life’s responsibilities just to look out for your well being. 
 It’s all so overwhelming and you find you’re stumped enough that it’s taking a second longer to think of a reply.
 “Trouble..” he said after a second of your silence. 
 You quickly scrambled together a response good enough to divert the seriousness that he seemed to be leading things to lately. Something you know he’ll grow tired of eventually and confront you about. But for now, you’d stick with easing the already harsh day as best as you could.
 “I was just going to say I’m glad we won’t have to wear that vest anymore.”
 “Right.” he said, sucking in a sharp breath. Then suddenly, he leaned over enough that he could look at your face closely. “Are you..okay?” 
Okay seemed to be the last word you’d use to describe yourself. Especially after this morning’s nightmare. But considering the man lost his job to help you out the last time, you figure you should cut this worrisome question short. 
“I have a lot on my mind.” You shrugged. “Just..girl problems.”
His brows were knitted tightly together, skeptical of your response. But before he could throw in a follow up question, the sound of Robin calling out to you guys put a stop to that.  
“We should go..” he said eventually.
 Not wanting to lag behind any longer, you dashed down the hill to the others, catching a glance back to see Steve rub at his face until he remembered to follow after you. The two of you joined just in time to open the door into the boat house. 
 There’s a slightly yelp sound and the five of you watched as a frightened Eddie looked over at the doorway with wide eyes. Apparently he didn’t notice or hear any of you approaching at all. 
 “Delivery service!” Dustin exclaimed, a wide grin on his face as he lifted up the grocery bags. 
 Apparently, you weren’t the only one whose morning was off to a rough start.
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  The five of you gathered around Eddie, giving him a few minutes to calm down. But that calmness quickly left the moment Dustin gave him the box of Honeycomb. All there was after that was the crazy amount of crunching as Eddie stuffed as many as he could into his mouth. 
 “So we got, uh, some good news and some bad news.” Dustin started hesitantly. “How do you prefer it?”
 “Bad news first, always.” Eddie said as if there’d be any other way.
 “All right, bad news. We tapped into the Hawkins PD dispatch with our Cerebro, and they’re definitely looking for you.” he said before blinking hard, forgetting the last important fact. “Also, they’re, uh, pretty convinced you killed Chrissy.”
 “Like, one hundred percent kind of convinced.” Max said next, looking at him solemnly.
 “And the good news?” Eddie asked, perplexed. 
 Robin looked down at him with a familiar gaze to Max’s as she spoke up next. “Your name hasn’t gone public yet. But if we found out about you, it’s a matter of time before others do too. And once that gets out, everyone and their shallow-minded mother is gonna be gunning out for you.”
 You can’t help but feel worse hearing everyone lay out the information than from the dispatch. From where you stood behind Dustin, you could see as Eddie’s face paled at the truth. 
 “Hunt the freak, right?”
 “Exactly.” Robin confirmed.
 The memory of the crash came to mind from his words. Freak of the town. Now it was going to be a man hunt with him as the prey. Dustin before you held a hand out, piping in with what he figured would be words of encouragement. 
 “So, before that happens, we need to find Vecna, kill him, and prove your innocence.”
 “That’s all, Dustin? That’s all?” 
 “Yeah, no, that’s pretty much it.”
 You can’t help but snort at Dustin’s reply. Feeling the pessimism seeping into your mood. There were too many variables to this idea that made it almost impossible to complete. And while you didn’t want to join in on adding salt to Eddie’s wounds, you couldn’t help but shake your head.
 “And after all this we’ll have you back home in time for dinner.” you said offhandedly, keeping your eyes down at your nails. Steve and Dustin turned their gazes over their shoulders to look over at you questionably, making you sheepishly wave them off as you stepped closer towards the group. 
 “Listen, Eddie,” piped Robin as she attempted to lift up his spirits. “I know everything Dustin is saying sounds totally delusional, but we’ve actually been through this before. I mean, they have a..a few times,” she said gesturing to the three of you. Steve confirmed her words with a reassuring nod as she went on. “And..and I have once. Mine was more human-flesh-based, and theirs was more smoke-related, but bottom line is, collectively, I really feel we got this.” 
 “Yeah, see, we usually rely on this girl who has super powers. But, uh, those went bye-bye, so uh..” Steve said quickly, adding a true fact that you felt didn’t really help much considering El wasn’t even in town in the first place. 
 “So, we’re technically in more of the–” Robin volleyed in.
 “Kinda..”
 “Brainstorming phase.” Max finished, seeming to conclude where Robin and Steve were going with their words.
 “There..There’s nothing to worry about.” Dustin spluttered, attempting to bring the group in together. 
 Eddie was rightfully stunned at everyone, tilting his head in shock as he stared at his friend in disbelief. But he’s soon after glancing over to you finally. Looking for what you had to say. In fact, everyone glanced over at you, almost waiting for you to say otherwise.
 And while you parents always said they admired your candor, not everyone around you reacted the best to it. 
 So, you shot him a small tight lipped smile, nodding your head to everyone. “We’re gonna help you, Ed.” you said honestly. “Just..hopefully without any more..complications.” 
 As if the universe was waiting for their cue, the sounds of sirens cut through the silence of the group. Grabbing all the attention off of you as everyone quickly reacted to the new possible threat. 
 “Tarp.” Robin pointed out. “Tarp!” 
 Eddie quickly concealed himself underneath the fabric while the rest of you dashed over to the windows. Peering out through the dirty glass in time to watch as police cars and ambulances zipped past the front of the house. 
 “Where the hell are they going?” you heard Dustin mutter under his breath. His gaze shifted up to you curiously. 
 “I don’t know, but we need to go find out.”
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As the group dispersed from the boat house, you felt a hand gently grab at your arm, halting your exit. Turning around, you found Eddie out from the safety of his tarp. Looking at you with remorse in his eyes. You could practically feel how nervous he was. 
 "Hey," he began softly, "I need to talk to you for a sec."
 Sensing where this conversation was going to go, you almost wanted to reject him. You weren’t sure how many tense conversations you could handle for the day. But seeing as you weren’t certain of when you’d actually see Eddie again, you nodded your head and stayed in place.
 "I wanted to apologize," he continued, his voice tinged with regret. "For that shit back at the van, the woods, all of it. I know it was messed up,..I never meant for any of that to happen."
 His words stirred conflicting emotions within you. Anger, frustration, but also a bit of understanding. 
 At this point, you knew Eddie. He was the same guy who’d get annoyed with your lectures about his fashion taste, or who’d try and kiss you whenever you had a bad day at work, and who would bring out that ridiculous Mick Jagger impression that made you laugh before the first bell rang. He was impulsive, but never malicious. 
 Still, the wounds still lingered inside of you. 
 "I was terrified, Eddie," you admitted, voice barely rising above a whisper despite the anger behind it. "Being lost in those woods...I had no idea where I was going or what was around me. I just saw Chrissy die and woke up to a world of mess."
 His expression softened, and you could see the heavy remorse returned back to his features. "I'm so sorry, Princess.” he croaked, hands reached out to grip onto your arms. “I promise I'll make it up to you, however I can. I won't let you down again."
 You pushed away remaining doubt that wanted to linger behind. Wanting to believe that there were still ways to turn things around. At least in terms of your friendship with Eddie. He was there for you through your shitty moments, it was time you took your turn in being there for him. 
 In this case, his moment being a murder case. 
 “Well, let’s make a habit out of not ditching each other in the woods then.” you said finally. 
 He snorted excitedly, chuckling a bit at your reaction before he pulled you in a tight hug that had you patting his back just to calm him down. “Sounds reasonable to me.” 
 “Good.” you laughed, giving him a final pat to release you out of his tight hold. “Uhh, Eddie? Kinda need to go work on saving your ass now.” 
 “Sorry,” he muttered, loosening up his grip. “I was just kinda worried we’d stop being friends..”
 You pulled back to look up at him, searching his eyes for a moment before you nodded your head. “We’re still friends..”
 “Good, because now that we’re square again, I really gotta say, you look like shit.” 
 “What is it with you guys today? I mean, I am tired, but seriously what the fu–” your words are cut off when Eddie leaned in to press his lips against yours. It wasn’t the most unusual reaction from him. There had been many times he’d say something to annoy you and cut off your anger with a sloppy kiss. But at the current time you couldn’t help but think about the last kiss you had from a freakout. And many other things you did with the man who gave it to you.
 "Eddie, I..." you trailed off, unable to find the right words to explain the complexity of problems you had going on. Especially the ones in your love life.
 He quickly retreated, a sheepish smile playing on his lips. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—"
 Suddenly, a throat cleared from behind, cutting into the moment. Instantly your heart plummeted as you turned to see Steve standing under the threshold of the door. Expression unreadable. How much did he see? How much did he hear?
 "We’re ready to go," he stated curtly, avoiding your gaze. “If you two are done.”
 Without waiting for you to reply, he quickly turned and left the doorway to join the others back up where the car was. You let out a tired sigh, unsure how you were going to even explain anything of what he just witnessed. All you knew was this was slowly turning from a bad morning to a crappy day.
 “Did I just make things worse?” you heard Eddie chuckle behind you.
 “No, Ed, I think I did.”
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 Despite the awkwardness of your late entrance to the car, the group made it just in time to catch the location of where the cops were heading to. It was towards the main road that led over to Forest Hills.
 Everyone slowly began to murmur out curious questions as to what it could be. Chrissy’s body had already been covered, what could have happened in just a day?
 The car came to a slow stop and the group slowly made an exit out of the car. Looking around what looked like a scene of a crime. Amongst the cars surrounding the area was one that caught your attention quickly. Coroner. But before you could mention that, the sight of a brightly colored skirt caught your attention.
 Talking close to the newly appointed Sheriff Powell stood Nancy. 
 You stepped out on the road, ready to make your way over to join her when a hand tugged on your elbow. Steve, who despite still held some difference towards you since the boathouse, did not want you going forward. Only cocking his chin in the direction of the girl.
 She looked relieved to see you guys but you could tell from the furrow in her brow that she was more than upset. Looking close to crying. Still, she held up a weak hand, waving over at the group with a pained expression. 
 “Shit.” you heard Max whisper. She pointed over towards the side of the road. On the floor, just past your friend, was another body, covered up in a white sheet.
 Vecna’s second victim.
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 Picking at your nails had seemed to be a new habit of yours now. Previously used to keep you busy from conversations slowly turned into you using it to distract yourself from the reality of things. Like right now, as the group gathered around one of the lunch tables just outside of Eddie’s trailer, listening to Nancy explain what the police had found, you were currently tearing at the side of your hangnail.
 Fred was gone. Just the same as Chrissy. Meaning that Dustin was right about this not being the last of Vecna’s attacks. But the idea of it being people you all knew seemed to make this whole thing more sickening.
It was eerie to be back in the trailer park. You made it a point to sit at the side of the table facing the Munson home. Needing to keep your eyes locked on the place again in case of anything odd happening. At one point you felt a hand slowly pat over at your leg, making you jump a bit before glancing to your left.
 Steve stared at you expectantly before he shook his head in confusion. “You with us?” he asked softly, voice with the familiar tinge of worry. 
 Nodding your head, you tucked your hands down into your lap, looking at the three girls across from you. 
 “So, you’re saying that this thing that killed Fred and Chrissy, it’s from the Upside Down?”
 “If the shoe fits,” Steve said simply before he looked at you again. “Right?”
 “Well, considering the lights blinked like usual before the attack happened. I’d say yes.”
 “Our working theory is that he attacks with a spell or a curse.” Dustin added. “Now, whether or not he’s doing the bidding of the Mind Flayer or just loves killing teens, we don’t know.”
 “All we know is that this is something different.” Max joined in, a frown etched on her face as she glanced amongst everyone. “Something new.”
 “Doesn’t make sense.” Nancy muttered, shaking her head. 
 You reached over to place a hand towards her, gaining her attention to you. “Has anything about the Upside Down ever made sense?” you asked honestly, “Besides, this is still a work in progress.”
 “She’s right, it’s only a theory.” Dustin said after you. 
 “No, Fred and Chrissy don’t make sense.” Nancy explained, putting together something in her head. “I mean, why them?”
 “Maybe they were just in the wrong place. “ Dustin tried. “They were both at the game.”
 Max nodded her head, following the pieces coming together. “And near the trailer park.”
 “We’re at the trailer park.” Steve pointed out slowly. “Uhh, should we maybe not be here?”
 You sucked in a slow breath before leaning back to look around the area. It looked the same as when you’d come to visit Eddie. Max’s trailer was still just across the way, and the sound of wind chimes still echoed in the distance. But one glance back to the Munson trailer and you felt your stomach dip. 
“There is something about this place.” Nancy said after a second. “Fred started acting weird the second we got here.”
 Robin looked over at Nancy curiously.  “Acting weird as in..?”
 “Scared, on edge, upset.”
 It completely bothered you how similar you felt to that right now. But you could practically feel worried glances from some of the people at the table, so you bottled down speaking up on that in favor of hearing what Dustin had to say next.
 “Max said Chrissy was upset too.” 
 “Yeah, but not here.” she shook her head. “She was crying in the bathroom at school.”
 For a second you couldn’t help but feel a twist in your stomach at the idea of Chrissy. She was so nice in the van that night. Wanting to take the special K just to get through the night without feeling overwhelmed. But her troubles were vastly bigger than she laid out for you and you couldn’t help but feel bad for not reaching out more when you had the chance. 
 “Serial killers stalk their prey before they strike, right?” Robin asked, cutting into silence. “So, maybe Fred and Chrissy saw this Vecman–”
 “Vecna.” Dustin quickly corrected.
 “I don’t know about you guys but if I saw some freaky wizard monster, I would mention it to someone.” Steve said. His eyes looked to you, almost like he was expecting you to agree with him. And while the logical side of you did, something deep inside was stopping you entirely from speaking out. 
 “Maybe they did.” Max considered slowly. “I saw Chrissy leaving Ms. Kelley’s office. If you saw a monster, you..you wouldn’t go to the police. They’d never believe you. But you might go to your–”
 “Your shrink.” Robin concluded. 
 The idea of Fred and Chrissy having a connection through Ms. Kelley did little to ease your growing anxiety. Especially when you remembered that amongst the few students that happened to be stuck in her counseling sessions, was you.
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  Not wanting to waste the day, the group quickly left the bench to head over to the next destination. Hopefully Max could find her way into getting out some information about the others from Ms. Kelley. 
 You’re walking close beside Nancy when she elbowed your side, raising a brow to you before nodding towards the direction of her car. You almost wanted to ask her what she had meant when she gave you a familiar look. Quickly getting the hint that she had something else in mind, you casually turned towards the car. That is until the group’s den mother seemed to take notice.
 “Whoa, whoa, HEY! HEY!” Steve said, jogging after the two of you. “Where are you guys going?”
 “Oh, there’s just something I wanna check on first.” she explained simply, nudging at your side quickly. 
 “I’m gonna go with her, you know Nancy Drew needs Bess Marvin and all that.” you waved, trying to make a turn for the car again.
 “Something you guys wanna share with the rest of us?” Dustin asked, slightly offended.
 “I don’t wanna waste your time. It’s a real shot in the dark.” she said shyly, kicking at the dirt for a second. You nodded your head, looking over at the rest of the group with a small smile.
 “If she’s got a hunch, it might be worth checking out guys. We’ll be back soon.” you reassured them.
 “Hey, you can’t just ditch us.” Dustin scoffed. “Besides, it’s better to keep an eye on you if you’re suddenly turned into a suspect and we need to hide you up with Eddie.”
 Max looked over at Dustin before she nodded her head, agreeing. “There’s still a chance your name could come up. If we can’t reach you then we wouldn’t be able to help you on time.”
 Something told you that there might be another reason Dustin and Max wanted you to stay and while you were sure nothing would happen while going with Nancy, you also didn’t want to make things harder on anyone. Especially with these two out of all them showing concern openly.
 “Looks like I’m with the kids.” you sighed, turning defeatedly to Nancy. “Think you’ll be okay?”
 “I’ll be an hour or two tops.” she nodded. “We’ll regroup after that.”
 “Yeah okay. Are you guys out of your mind?” Steve asked, looking at you two a little perplexed. “Flying solo with this Vecna creep on the loose? No, it’s too dangerous. You need..you need someone to..” His face turned hard with a sudden frustration as he looked at Nancy worriedly. Your stomach caught onto that tension quicker than your brain and twisted slightly at a growing feeling you haven’t felt in a while. Steve didn’t seem to notice as he turned to toss his keys over to Robin.
 “Here you go. I’ll stick with Nance.” he said quickly. “You guys take the car, check out the shrink.”
 The girl caught the keys awkwardly, giving Steve a confused look as she pointed over to the car. “Don’t think you want me driving your car.” she said wearily. 
 “Didn’t think he let anyone drive the car.” you scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest. “Last time he nearly had a heart attack and that was just driving in the streets.”
 Steve blinked over at you confused before he turned back to Robin. “Why?” he asked, ignoring your jab. 
 “I don’t have a license.”
 “Why don’t you have a license?” he asked frustratedly. 
 “I’m poor.” she reasoned with a shrug. 
 “I can drive.” Max offered, only adding fuel to Steve’s emotions. 
 “No, No! Never again. Please. Anybody but you. NO.” he argued.
 Dustin, ever with his perfect timing, looked at Steve with his arms out. As if he were ready to take on the responsibility that no one on the team could take. From behind Steve you could see as his body deflated at his choices. 
 “No chance.”
 “Come on!”
 Nancy looked a little uncomfortable at Steve’s persistence, only casting you an apologetic look. You on the other hand could not stop the familiar green monster from trying to crawl its way up from the depths of your soul. Unsure where Steve’s need to be around Nancy came from just yet. But you knew by now that it wasn’t the best idea to act on those feelings just yet.
 Finally Steve glanced back to you, raising a brow questionably. 
 Bastard.
 “Fine,” you said calmly, earning a small shock from the group. As if they expected some other reaction from you. Taking a step towards him, you held out your hand, giving Steve a sweet smile. “I’ll take your car.” 
 Steve nervously licked over his lips. Eyes shifting from your hand, then to Nancy, and then back at you. “No,” he gulped, shaking his head lightly. “I sense I made a mistake of some kind.”
 Fed up with everything, Robin reached for the walkie in Dustin’s bag and stepped in. “All right, okay. This is stupid. Us ladies will stick together.” she confirmed, putting the keys back into Steve’s hands. Her eyes gave him a warning look before she marched over to join Nancy’s side. “Unless you think we need you to protect us?” she said with a humorous chuckle.
 The two of you didn’t move from your spot. Only watching as Robin made her way towards Nancy’s car. Taking the lead for their exit. Nancy gave you both a sympathetic shrug before she mouthed an apology to you before turning on her heels to catch up with the other girl.
 “Be careful!” he called out, Robin turned around, shooting out a peace sign before she glanced at you. 
 “Should be saying that to yourself!” she laughed, giving you a wink.
 From the corner of your eye you can feel as Steve nervously looked over at you. His previous annoyance went away when he noticed your change in demeanor. Without another thought you walked towards his car, avoiding his gaze as you made your way towards the car doors. He quickly rushed over, moving to open up the passenger door for you, a small tight lip smile on his face.
 Ignoring that offer, you carefully opened up the backseat and slipped in beside Max. Avoiding his gaze as you slammed the door shut. From the outside you could hear Dustin chortle at his friend as he moved to take the free spot. “Nice one,” he said to Steve. “You just gonna stand there and gawk?”
 “Dude, shut up.”
 “Why don’t we go? Okay?” he said teasingly.
 “Shut up and get in the car.” he ordered. “Wipe your feet.”
 You watched as Dustin carelessly began to wipe his feet inside the car. Almost comically as he patted the shoe against the clean interior floor, earning another explosive reaction from Steve. 
 “On the outside, not the inside!”
 There was a bit more huffing between the two as they finally got into their seats. Leaving the car in a second of silence. Steve glanced back at you, opening his mouth to say something. But instead of giving him the chance to say anything, you turned in your seat, facing your direction to look out the window. Giving you the chance to give him a bit of the silent treatment. 
 “Always the babysitter.” Steve muttered angrily, turning on the engine of the car. “Always the GODDAMN babysitter!”
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 You watched carefully from your side of the car as Max entered inside Ms. Kelley’s home. Only looking back at you guys once before the door closed up behind her. Hopefully the whole thing wouldn’t take as long and the four of you could make your way back to others and give you space away from Steve. 
 “So..we gonna talk about..it?”
 Glancing to your right, you looked into the passenger mirror to find Dustin looking at Steve. He seemed to have purposely left his window open enough that you were able to eavesdrop into their conversation. 
 “Huh? Sorry, talk about what?” Steve asked, barely paying attention.
 “Your temporary insanity earlier today when you basically threw yourself at Nance? And in front of my cousin of all people.”
 It took everything in you not to react to what you just heard. Your cousin’s words basically confirm the worries that hit you in the trailer park. The little green monster inside was practically dancing as it festered on the negative energy building up inside of you. 
 “Okay, first of all, that’s not what happened.” Steve said defensively. 
 “Pretty sure that’s what happened.” he countered. “It was public, there were like, a lot of witnesses. The prime one being at the back of your car right now.”
 He made it a point to glance at you through the mirror, catching your glaring gaze. He looked like he was about to change things up from his expression but you quickly shook your head, nodding in the direction of Steve’s side of the car for him to continue. 
 “Uh-Are you implying I still have a thing for Nance? Really? Me?”
 “No, I’m not implying.” he said, shaking his head. “I’m stating. And, as it relates to your current break up leaving you to go on various dates, it’s pretty much the only logical explanation.”
“That’s not the only one.” Steve denied quickly. “You know what I’ve been going through. What I’ve been thinking. And as for Nance, I was just trying to protect a friend.”
 From the mirror you could see Dustin’s face turned amused, like he was beyond believing that statement in the slightest way. You let out a small sigh, glancing down at the ground almost..defeatedly.
 This wasn’t even something you had the right to be angry about. If anything, the only reason you had room to speak on the situation was the fact that Nancy was currently dating your best friend and you couldn’t just let Steve of all people step in on that.
 God, that thought alone made you feel sick.
 “A friend, Henderson. Okay?” Steve said after noticing Dustin’s silence. 
 “Okay.”
 “I don’t wanna find her in the morning with her eyes sucked out of the front of her skull by this Vecna creep.”
 Dustin let out an amused giggle. “You’re bright red in the face right now!”
 Not having it in your stomach to listen to anything else, you stomped away from the car. Trying not to let the stinging tears in your eyes slip out. Your mind viciously shoots you into a memory from the first fall when Billy arrived. His terrorizing had slowly come to an end that night but not without some parting words to you.
 “He’ll never get over Wheeler. It’s that first love shit that chicks are so keen for. He’ll never get away from that feeling. Trust me, I’d know.”
 Back then you convinced yourself that he wasn’t telling the truth. That he took your weakness that night to try and get under your skin. But now? Now your mind is so frazzled and so broken lately that everything is turning into doubt. 
 “Get in the car.”
 You turned around to find Max rushing over to the car door, giving you a wide look before she entered inside. Quickly, you joined in after her, closing up the door in time to catch her giving Steve an order to drive. He’s quick to start up the car, setting all of you to hit against the seats as he sped away from the house.
 Eventually Max briefly explained what happened inside and stated that the best way to get more information would be in Ms. Kelley’s office at the school. You tried to explain it’d be a lot harder to break in due to the break but she simply held up a pair of office keys. 
 Suddenly the walkie in Dustin’s lap let out a loud squawk before a voice suddenly spoke through.
 “Dustin. It’s Lucas. Do you copy? Dustin.”
 The sudden sound of your friend’s voice had you and Max quickly leaning over your seats, trying to listen in on the incoming message. 
 “Lucas? Where the hell have you been?” Dustin asked into the walkie. 
 “Just listen.” Lucas pleaded. “Are you guys looking for Eddie?”
 “Yeah and we found him, no thanks to you.” he chided back. 
 “You found him?”
 “He’s at a boathouse on Coal Mill Road. Don’t worry, he’s safe.”
 “You guys know he killed Chrissy, right?” Lucas asked worriedly. The car seemed to grow tense at that. Now the teens at the school surely knew he was the main suspect. Time was beginning to run out. 
 “That’s bullshit. Eddie tried to save Chrissy. My cousin was there!”
 “She was there too?! Wait, then why do all the cops say he did it?”
 Max, having had enough, reached over for the walkie. “Lucas, you’re so behind it’s ridiculous, okay? Just meet us at the school. We’ll explain later.”
 “I..I can’t. I think some real bad shit’s about to go down.”
 “What are you talking about? What bad shit?” she asked, but there was no response back. Almost as if the connection was lost. “Lucas? Lucas?” 
 “Line got cut off.” Dustin said, reaching back for the walkie. “What do you think he meant?”
 “I’m not sure.” Steve said, gripping the wheel tightly. “Let’s just get to the school.”
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  It was dark by the time the four of you arrived at Hawkins. The air held an eerie atmosphere as you guys parked discreetly in the back of the school. Couldn’t exactly have anyone checking by to see there was someone at the school this time of night.
Your cousin was thankfully prepared for the night again and quickly passed around a couple of flashlights, giving you guys some light to venture through the creepy halls with. 
 “I gotta say, didn’t think I’d be coming back here anytime soon.” Steve muttered to you, smacking at the side of his flashlight before it fully turned on. 
 “It’s definitely not the way I wanted to spend my Spring Break.” you nodded, flashing towards one of the classrooms. 
 There’s an awkward building tension between the two of you. A part of you wanted to squash down that anger from before, use it to keep focus on the problems at hand. But there was a bigger part inside that was gleefully ready to make a mess out of things. 
Per usual.
 “Didn’t think I’d spend the day like this.” he chuckled lightly, looking over at you. ��Kind of a bad way to end the weekend don’t you think?”
 Something in his words, while innocent, just irked you. Making your whole body shift as you finally let free some of the venom that had been building up since the trailer park. 
 “Yeah, you must be having a pretty bad day considering you’re stuck babysitting with me instead of chumming it up with Robin or looking out for Nancy.”
 Steve looked almost as if your words were a slap to the face, staggering back a second before his expression quickly changed to annoyance. He reached a hand out to stop you from walking. 
 “Where’s that coming from?” he asked slowly.
 “Seriously?” you laughed, raising a brow at him. “Did you suddenly forget that little show you gave back in Forest Hills?” You made an effort to dramatically reenact tossing invisible car keys. “Here you go. I’ll stick with Nance.” you said in a dramatically deep voice. 
 He was unamused by that, pressing his lips together before he scratched at his hair. A nervous tick he got whenever something got under his skin. “I’m sorry I’m a little particular with who I hang out with at the moment. I figured you’d feel the same way considering you probably wanted to stick around with Eddie so you guys could make out and weirdly flirt again.” 
 Sometimes you forget that Steve’s as much of a former bitch as you were. Making his bite hurt particularly bad right now. Still, you weren’t one to back down from a verbal fight. 
 “Wow, I’m not really surprised you noticed everything I’m doing considering how you’ve been trying to figure out ways to keep me at home.” Tilting your head you step closer to look up at Steve. “Was worrying about me too much for you now that you want to display your macho-man persona to Nancy again?” 
 “You’re pulling that out of nowhere.” he scoffed, shaking his head at you. “I mean, really, how is me wanting you to stay home because I’m worried about how tired you look, suddenly turn into me trying to get back with Nancy?”
 “Oh, so now it’s suddenly trying get back with Nancy?”
 “No, you just said–”
 “I said you were showing off!” 
 He let out a long sigh, rubbing a hand over his face before he turned to look at you seriously. “All I offered was to go with Nancy so that she wasn’t alone. Her friend just died the same way Chrissy did and I didn’t want her to end up the same way. I was just trying to be a comforting friend.”
 “So you wanted to comfort her? Well, that’s great to hear considering we both know how you like to comfort people through their crisis, don’t we?”
 “I-It was different with you, okay?” He stuttered a bit, before he held his hands up, looking annoyed again. “You’re the one who is kissing some other guy and it’s me that’s trying to get with someone?”
 “As always, you always take one part of the picture to paint the story, your highness.” you sighed, pushing a hair out of your face. “But don’t worry, I’m sure Robin will put in a good word for you with Nancy since you’re so keen on chivalry.”
 “That’s not fair. That is not what I want.” he spat. “Look, I know that you two have a thing okay? I’m not going to step in on it but that doesn’t mean I have to be nice about it either. So, quit using the friendly friendship I have with Nance to compare your beneficial one with Eddie.”
 “There isn't a thing. God, Steve.” you frowned. “In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Eddie kissed me. I didn’t ask him to, nor to hold me, or anything. He’s just a friend..and I pulled back.”
 “That’s not the only thing you two have done, quit acting like it’s just some innocent friendship.”
 “If you can’t seem to remember, the only person around here that I’ve willingly done anything with in the past twenty-four hours, is you, so..” you said as a matter of fact. “Also I think it’s unfair that you get mad at Eddie for kissing me but quickly go around to play the brave knight in shining white Adidas to Nance.”
 “They’re Nikes!” he countered weakly. 
 You could only scoff at him in disbelief. “This conversation isn’t going anywhere. I’m sorry I’m not the one you want to be around right now, let’s just leave things at that.” 
 Taking a step to leave him you made an effort to follow after the two kids when Steve reached forward to grip at your arm. “I don’t want you to think that I don’t want you around. But I know you’re not okay right now. And the more you try and push yourself in this, the more I can tell that something else is bothering you.”
 He’s staring down at you with the familiar look of worry he’s been doing these past few days. Something that would have comforted you the other day, but not with how you were feeling right now.
 “You’re right.” you said softly, reaching up to gently pat at his hand. “There is something bothering me.”
 From the tone of your voice, Steve could easily tell where this was going to go, only giving you a pleading look as he tried to diffuse the comeback you were about to give him.
 “Don’t say it’s me-
 “It’s you.”
 Without a sparing glance, you pushed out of his grip and brushed and brushed past a nosy, lingering, Dustin in order to join Max at the front of the search. Her gaze stayed ahead, looking away from you, but from the corner of your eye you could see as she shook her head. A small smirk on her lips.
 “Well that was really nice.”
 “Oh, shut up.” You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest. “Like you have any room to talk about niceties.”
 “I don’t?” She asked amusedly. 
 “Well considering your on and off history with Lucas, I’d think it’s fair to say you’re just as good with dealing with exes as I am.” 
 She frowned for a moment, seeming to think it over before she shrugged. “Guess we’re both kinda messed up.” 
 A part of you wanted to argue. Say how she’s wrong and that aside from what was currently going on, you were fine. But considering the dramatic fight you just shared for the two kids, you figured she wasn’t entirely wrong. “It’s kinda nice.” you said eventually, nudging her side playfully.
 “It’s nice that we’re messed up?” She chuckled, looking a little taken back. 
 “No,” you hummed lightly, “it’s nice we’re messed up together.” 
 She finally glanced over at you, giving you a weird look before laughing. “You’re so weird.” she said, nudging you back. 
 With that small bit of comfort, the two of you silently led the other boys the rest of the way to Ms. Kelley’s office. 
 The familiar lingering scent of her relaxing lavender candle hit your senses quickly once you entered inside. Which you were thankful for considering the small stress you seemed to be adding onto yourself. You were happy to finally have a moment where all you guys had to do was focus on the clues needed to progress your theories and not your current problems.
 “It’s like a mini-Watergate or something.” Dustin said behind you. “Hawkinsgate.”
 “Wait a second, didn’t those guys get caught?” asked Steve.
 You made your way over towards the desk, looking over the papers laid out neatly at the center of the table while Max peeked through the cabinet for the files. 
 “Holy shit.” she said suddenly.
 “You found it?” Steve asked, as the rest of you gathered around her.
 “Yeah, and not just Chrissy’s file. Fred was seeing Ms. Kelley too.” Her hand reached back into the cabinet, pulling out one more manila envelope before she turned over to face you. Her eyes focused on you intently as she held the file up in the air. “And so were you.”
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 Even with your eyes looking down at your file, you could feel the intense stare from Steve’s eyes. He hasn’t stopped looking at you ever since Max revealed your file to everyone. You couldn’t help but find it all worthless to bring up. To you, it was just your regular file. There was the first meeting recorded, the goals she wanted you to have for the next couple of years. Nothing out of the ordinary until this year. When she began to take notice of your reaction towards Billy’s death.
 “God,” you scoffed, looking down at her words. “Behavioral avoidance? What a load of crap.” 
 You carefully threw the file onto the desk, plopping down in her chair to look over at what Max had been reading across from you. 
 The folder containing Chrissy’s sessions quickly caught your eye. Making you curious to know what the girl truly had been going through before her untimely death. 
 “Can I see Fred’s file?” she asked suddenly. 
 “Yeah,” Steve said, passing the folder over to her. She quickly laid it out before her, flipping through the papers to collect whatever information caught her attention. From the side you could see as Steve carefully tried to reach out for your file. You made it a point to move away from him on the other side of the desk.
 Leaning over, you reached over for Chrissy’s file, looking over the small details listed on her last session. Headaches, nosebleeds, nightmares, anxiety, insomnia, trauma.. All things that made sense but..oddly familiar. Moving closer, you peered over to look down at Fred’s notes that Max had stopped at. 
 ..They were almost similar to Chrissy’s.
 But that didn’t make sense. It couldn’t. Because if that were the few connecting signs to what made Vecna attack Chrissy and Fred then what did that mean about you? Glancing back at your folder, you pushed through the notes again, trying to figure out if there was anything similar to what was on the other two folders. But there was nothing.
 Only the small note written at the corner of your last session.
 Might benefit if suggested with a group therapy. Perhaps with Max M.  Both suffer from related trauma.
 Related trauma? You thought.
 Glancing up from the papers, you peered over at Max worriedly. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think she looked a lot like how you felt at the moment. But this couldn’t be right. You never voiced to Ms. Kelley any of these things. You weren’t seeing any weird Vecna monster or dealing with trauma. You were-
 “Perfectly fine?” (tick)
 You felt a cold shiver run down your back and glanced up in the room. Almost expecting to see if anyone else had heard that. There’s a heavy weight suddenly over you and you feel as if the air in the room was slowly being sucked out. This couldn’t be happening. You weren’t like the others. You weren’t going through these struggles you weren’t–
 “Going crazy? (tock)
“Max! MAX!” 
 The sounds of Dustin and Steve calling out to Max instantly pulled you out from you haunting thoughts. Before you was a frozen Max, still frozen in place. “Max?” you called out, getting out from your seat to kneel beside her. 
 Steve’s hand rested on your shoulders, concern on his face as he began to breathe heavily. “What’s going on?” he asked, voice uneasy. “What do we do?”
 “She’s just..I don’t know!” you panicked, shaking at her shoulders. “Max, c’mon. Talk to me!” But as you gazed into her vacant eyes, a chilling thought swept right through you. 
 Did you guys just run out of time?
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A/N: okay so this chapter is kinda messy. Reader is seriously losing her mind but I promise that trouble is gonna get her head on screwed right soon enough. Maybe after she remembers that Nancy is in love with Jonathan and Steve practically dropped everything to go to her. I blame Vecna tbh. And Billy from the afterlife. 
TAGGING LIST:  @cluz1babe​ , @starofavolonea​ , @darlingimafangirl (won’t let me tag), @primroseluna​,  & @siriuslysmoking​
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jingsyuans · 10 days
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confession time. i have been hcing my faves as liking plus-size ladies for my own confidence for a while but it just feels so… oddly natural for jy? i don’t know why i just get the vibe.
him always thinking about how soft you are, how lovely you feel to hold, making sure you’re always comfortable and taken care of. never letting you forget how gorgeous he finds you, never letting you walk past without a kiss and a grab at your thigh or hip or stomach. and he catches himself thinking more often than he expects about holding you close, showing you and your body the adoration you deserve. he has loved you this whole time, of course, but the thoughts have started to make his day-to-day duties just a bit more difficult, because now that he has had a taste of you he’s completely addicted.
he’d spoil you, all but certainly. his adorable, soft, loving wife shouldn’t want for a thing! and of course, he wouldn’t want you to lose that lovely figure of yours, either!
so long story short i also would like for him to hold my tummy for a little bit. maybe nibble on it if he wanted to. idk sorry for waxing poetic i hope you liked it though! fhsjdhd
This is so lovely 😔💕💕💕 and so true! Jing Yuan likes soft, cute things. I think he wouldn’t really have a preference in body type, but once he starts to romance you, his preference is simply… you. You, your body, healthy and happy, and if that means you’re more plush and have more for him to hold onto, then he’s truly content.
I also love love the idea of him holding ur tummy like mgmgmgnmm…….. and biting it too 😔 loves to nibble on your tummy and your thighs. Would absolutely blow raspberries on your skin to make you squirm and laugh for him. He’s so infatuated with u fr GOD idk idk I just love being a little squishy and cute. He’d love it too!!
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thunderwhenhepurrs · 24 days
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Reminder that anytime you spout off about fat people and make judgements on their abilities and health, and assumptions about their lifestyles you make every fat person around you feel bad and self-conscious and realize you are not someone they can trust.
Because you are proving how badly you think of them.
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malyen0retsev · 2 years
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something so deeply deeply cathartic about deleting all screenshots on your phone associated with conversations with one person, it took us five years but we got here, and we got here whilst feeling very calm and content so!!!
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sacha-da-1 · 7 months
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The first (sometimes second) day of my period is so hilarious because one moment I’m like:
“It’s all hopeless, the world is a scary and unforgiving place, it’ll never be what I want it to be.”
And then two seconds later it’ll be:
“Hee hoo it’s a beautiful day on planet Earth! Did you know ice cream exists?? I fucking love ice cream! What was I even sad about?”
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fakeoutbf · 1 year
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bettsfic · 2 years
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today is my birthday! i’m 33 today and i have done an ungodly amount of stupid shit in my life that honestly probably should have gotten me killed. so here are 33 hard-won things i’ve learned that i wish someone had told me sooner.
whenever you buy an object, you are going to own that object for your entire life unless you make the conscious decision to throw it away or give it a new home. maybe other people don’t struggle with this as much as i do, but i’ve grown to become a little exhausted by finding a thing and realizing i don’t want it anymore, but i don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything with it. signed, a woman with a packed 10x10 storage unit who is now extremely hesitant to buy new things.
food, and by that i mean good food (and by that i don’t necessarily mean healthy food, but food of good quality that you love), is necessary to live, and buying it, preparing it, and eating it is not a chore. the sooner you accept this and make food a priority in your life, the healthier you’ll be. 
speaking of food, not everything you buy should be the cheapest version of it. personally i’ve found it’s always worth it to splurge on good olive oil, butter, and canned tomatoes. for years i thought i was an awful cook because i was cooking with cheap, disgusting olive oil that made my food taste like shit.
speaking of food part 2, i can’t BELIEVE how long this took me to figure out, but mise en place is the real real. get your shit out and organized and prepped *before* you start cooking, even if it makes things take longer. and yes, it is always worth it to do the dishes as you go, which pisses me off.
when i was teaching myself how to cook and feeling daunted about it, the best advice i ever got was to aim to learn 15 recipes and then put them in rotation.
this is the most horrific and awful truth i have forced myself to accept: there may come a day you can no longer digest your favorite foods, and you will either have to stop eating them, or remain very close to a toilet. i’m sorry.
other people are always going to misperceive you and misunderstand you, sometimes willfully. other people’s opinions of you don’t actually have anything to do with you. they’re not your business, and you don’t have to worry about it or change yourself.
when innocuous or neutral things make you irrationally angry or upset, step back, realize you’re having a big reaction, and then when you’re ready, pay very close attention to the thing that upset you, because you’re about to learn something important about yourself.
a pill sorter can save your life. i don’t know how i managed my meds without one.
sometimes college is about learning stuff, and not about becoming something.
no matter how many perfectionist tendencies you have, it’s worth it to remind yourself that no matter how much of a mess you actually are, you deserve to be loved.
if you’re always forgetting to do important but tedious things, set an alarm and set aside one hour of each week, not to do the important tedious things, but to assess what needs to be done, and *schedule* the important tedious things for the following week. this literally changed my life.
during that hour, make a meal plan too. the point of doing this is condense the time in which you’re making decisions (what to do, what to eat, etc) so you don’t have to burden yourself with them throughout the week. decision fatigue is real. any way you can alleviate that is a good thing.
learn the difference between aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, and assertive behavior. recognize when you’re being one of the first three, re-assess and aim for being assertive, even if it’s hard.
you can tell you’ve processed trauma, not when the traumatic thing stops upsetting you to think about, but when the traumatic thing takes up the same size in your brain as all your other memories.
if you’re one of those people who never seems to finish projects or follow through with things, there’s a chance you may just grow out of it naturally. until then, follow your interests and don’t feel bad about putting down a hobby to pick up another.
if you love stickers but have sticker anxiety, buy vinyl stickers. you can re-stick them.
there are only a few careers i can think of that you have to commit to early in life because getting the undergraduate credentials is a pain in the ass (teachers, doctors, and engineers, from my research). nearly everything else you can switch to later, which takes a LOT of pressure off having to figure out what you want to do with your life.
people say there’s no money in becoming an artist, writer, musician, etc. actually there’s a ton of money in all of those things, it’s just in the stuff other people want you to make and never what you want to make. it’s still worth it to develop the creative skill and not force yourself into business school because it’s more “practical” or whatever. 
sleep when you’re tired. SLEEP WHEN YOU’RE TIRED. don’t beat yourself up about it, don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t be tired or that you’ve already slept too much, just take a fucking nap. you would never say “hm i’ve already had enough water today, therefore i should not be thirsty” so don’t treat sleep the same way.
when you build a piece of furniture from target or ikea or whatever, the first thing you should do is count all the little screws and things to make sure everything’s there that should be. it sucks to get halfway into putting something together only to find there’s a piece missing and you have to go buy it.
learn to travel by yourself, go out to eat by yourself, see a movie by yourself. in my early 20s i was scared to do these things, but i do them so often now i don’t even think about it. it’s the most fulfilling skill i’ve ever learned.
adding to the above, if you’re a people-pleaser, being alone is especially important, because you’ve probably developed the habit of making the people you’re with more comfortable and happy than yourself, and you’re missing a lot of the beautiful and interesting things around you. when you’re by yourself, you can focus on what *you* want without guilt. 
sometimes you’ll want to break things off with a friend for reasons that are no one’s fault, and you don’t want it to be volatile or make a big thing of it, in which case the goal is to simply fade out of their life. it is okay to let people go.
shame is useless. get rid of it.
no matter how much of yourself you put into your art (or writing, or music, or whatever), when people criticize it, they are not criticizing you. they are having a reaction colored by their own tastes and perspectives. their opinion of your work has nothing to do with you. you don’t have to take everyone’s feedback. in fact you don’t have to take anyone’s feedback. the other side to this coin unfortunately is that compliments don’t have anything to do with you either. it’s good to accept this because it means you’ll stop seeking validation from other people and won’t let anyone else’s perspectives impact your work. anything nice anyone says about your work is merely a bonus to an already good thing.
if you’re an artist of any kind, take one day a year to look up opportunities like grants, funding, residencies, workshops, whatever. put the due dates of all of them on a calendar for the year following and get into the habit of applying for stuff. getting rejected sucks, application fees suck, but in all the years i’ve been doing this, it has always, always been worth it. these things give you a chance not only to help fund and support what you’re passionate about, but they force you to take your own work seriously, and that is something that’s absolutely necessary in order to be successful.
you must become your own greatest advocate. in all respects--in health, in love, in happiness, in freedom, you must. no one will ever fight as hard for you as you will. this in turn will give you the strength and motivation to help others fight for themselves too. the only way the world will ever get better is if every person on this planet learns to see themselves as equals to everyone around them.
brag about yourself as often as you can. for one, people develop their perceptions of you based on how you treat yourself and speak about yourself. but for two, it’s the fastest way to figure out which people to keep in your life, because they’re the ones who are going “oh hell yeah, you’re awesome.” 
be the person other people want to brag to.
at some point in your life, someone is going to hurt you, and it’s going to be willful and intentional. it is not worth it to waste brain space figuring out why they did it or why you think you deserved it. all you have to do is let yourself feel that pain, acknowledge it, and try to move on.
no matter how bad off you think you are, recovery is possible. the first and hardest step is to learn you’re worth the time and effort it takes to recover from the awful things that have happened to you.
developing an expertise does not mean you’re getting objectively better at something. becoming an expert is only the process of seeing your mistakes and having the patience to sit in the discomfort of not knowing how to fix them.    
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pussy-ache · 2 years
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a little sad but incredibly content
#we are what we are and i’m perfectly fine being that way for the rest of time#i’m held and loved and appreciated and i think that’s more than fine with me#i haven’t felt this content in a long time. it’s a peaceful feeling. i feel light and okay and safe and it’s just really nice#i’ve felt more myself in the past couple weeks since talking to him more than i have in years. my puzzle piece slid back into place#i just feel like Me again. like not just cuz he’s in my life more now#but because he reminds me of who i am as well? centers me i guess. i feel clear headed.#kinda like i was starting to veer off path and he started walking beside me again#and suddenly just naturally walking and talking together i just ended up on the right path again#i think i make better choices with him around. like i’m a better version of myself. a healthier and stronger and kinder and funnier version#my mom noticed the shift…#i’d thank him for that but we should probably move on now#i’ll just keep it here safe with me. i want him to be free of these talks now…it’s his time to shine and find himself again#let me just keep it away from him#he’s had so many heavy talks lately too. let him be free and light and just allow him simplicity as he moves forward#i’ve already added enough to that#plus i know him i know he knows. i just know#it’s just nice to know i’m respected and truly known. the feeling of being truly known is what everyone waits for their entire lives right?#so if you find it. no matter how it’s presented to you. you have to keep it safe and i intend on doing that for as long as needed#maybe i’ll write some more haikus today
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eloquent-edits · 1 month
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🗡️ It takes more than three words…
to say I love you in the ways you deserve 🗡️ words of affirmation prompts
“I can see that you care for them, even if you don’t say it directly. It’s in everything you do.”
“You deserve to relax.”
“That top complements your eyes really well!”
“Hey, you tried your best on that project. It may have fallen apart in the end—but you tried. That’s what matters.”
“I really admire how you stood up for them. That takes a lot of courage.”
“You make people feel safe. Like they can be themselves without judgment… at least that’s how I feel around you.”
“You’re looking less like you got dragged out of hell every day!” (“Thanks?” “Going to hell and back doesn’t mean you got any less attractive.”)
“I don’t think you were in the wrong. Now I’m not saying you were right, but you made a good point and I think they should consider that.”
“It’s okay to be just okay. I’m here for you no matter what.”
“We adore you! We want you around! You’re our friend, why wouldn’t we want to hang out with you?”
“You are worthy of love and friends and respect.”
“Keep going, you’re doing great!”
“Woah, that was sick. Can you teach me how to do that?”
“You look healthier, you really do.”
“I would be nervous too in your shoes. But you’d be telling me that I got this, so I’m telling you: You got this.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“I really care about you and want you to become the best version of yourself, whoever that may be.”
“Regardless of your gender, you’ll still be allowed in the treehouse.” (this came from a really funny and reassuring conversation with a friend LOL)
“I trust that you won’t hurt me.”
“You’re a really wonderful person. The world would be a better place with more people like you.”
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froody · 2 months
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When I mentioned that Tommy was only 6 and a half years old when she died, the shelter worker told me that was very young. Which is true. One of my childhood cats lived to be 18, another died at 14 and I think my boy Dorian is 11 now and he has shown no signs of slowing down. That’s part of the reason Tommy’s death was so incredibly hard for me. I took very good care of her. She was my cat. She wasn’t an outside cat left to her own devices like my childhood cat who passed away at 18. I hoped she’d be with me until she was senile and blind and ancient and I thought she could do it easily because she survived being so sick as a kitten and she always loved life. Her health had taken a steep decline in the year before her death, her battle with stomatitis, diabetes and constant infections. I elected not to get a necropsy so I don’t know exactly what caused her death but I’m betting it was the infection in her skull that they had drilled into her mouth to drain. I don’t think it was surgical complications, she didn’t seem to have bled to death. I think she didn’t feel well, found a quiet place to lay down and didn’t wake back up. Her immune system was compromised and her body had just been through a lot of trauma. Her x-rays show just how far her biology was from that of the average house cat. I’m not sure there’s anything I could have done to prolong her life any further and if I had I’m not sure it would have been ethical after a certain point. Still, 6 and a half is so young for a cat.
I hope Daphne and I become friends and she has a longer, healthier, fuller life. After we get over the anxiety and the sneezing I think she’s definitely more genetically sound than Tommy and has every chance of having a good 15+ years. The oldest cat ever, Creme Puff, was a tortoiseshell. Another sign of their luckiness or inherent tenacity in my opinion.
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strniohoeee · 5 months
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Vigilance
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Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader
Synopsis: Matt is super jealous over Y/N getting male attention. He doesn’t know how to communicate this, causing Y/N to feel hurt🏵️ this is for the request asking for a jealous Matt when Y/N gets hit on
Warnings⚠️: None☺️ just super cute
Song for the chapter: Dead to Me-Kali Uchis
The triplets had orchestrated a vacation for our friends! They had invited Madi, Tril and Nate. The 7 of us were going down to Florida for 7 days! We had all been working on ourselves and our content that we hadn’t really had a chance to hang out and catch up.
Because we all live in different areas we had all decided to meet at the Air bnb that was on the beach. Although I am currently living In LA, I'm originally from NY and have been back home for the past 4 months, so I had to fly out alone.
And of course just my luck my flight was the only one of the 7 of ours that got delayed. So everyone was already at the house for a good two hours before I showed up.
I walked to the front door checking to see if it was locked, and I am not surprised that these fools left the door open. So I let myself in placing my luggage next to the door, and locking the door behind me
“HELLOOOOO” I yelled out, and to no surprise I heard nothing
As I walked to the kitchen I could hear talking, and laughing, so I knew they were outside on the balcony
“Who would’ve thought we’d all be together again” I said as I walked out the door
“Y/NNNNNN OH MY GODDDD SHES HERE” Madi said, jumping up and running to give me a hug.
“Madiiiii I’ve missed you so much” I said hugging her tightly
I walked over to everybody as they were all sitting around the little glass table that was in the center
“Hey Nick….I literally missed you so much” I said, giving him a big hug. Then I went over to Chris and hugged him “my favorite interesting character” I said squeezing him tight
“Yoo so good to see you again” Matt said in the most flirtatious way, giving me a big hug
“So great to see you” I told him after letting go
“Trilllll” I said as I gave him a hug too
“Yoo what’s Nate it’s been so long” I said as I gave him a hug
“It’s been like what a year??” He asked looking at me
“Dude I think it has been that long” I told him as I sat down next to him
“How was your flight?" I know it got delayed” Chris asked me
“It was alright. There was this dude next to me…oh my god wouldn’t stop talking to me” I said rolling my eyes
“Oh my god!!! A guy talking to you how dreadful” Madi said groaning
“Oh shut up” I said rolling my eyes at her
“What yall been up to while I’ve been gone?” I asked them
“The last 4 months have been insane. We’ve been growing by the second, and we just got back from tour” Nick said
“I saw! Congrats to Chris even though I’m a Matt girl” I said looking over at Matt
“The whole time we just kept talking about how much we missed you, and how you would have love coming on tour with us” Matt said
“I would killllll to have been on tour with yall” I said
“Why do you look so different” Nate asked me
I laughed at this and gave a confused look
“Different?” I asked
“Yeah….somethings different” he said eyeing me up and down
“Mmm, I dyed my hair black, and it’s longer now. I’ve might’ve put on some weight too, but uhhh not too much on that or I’ll spiral” I said laughing, they laughed with me
“Maybe it’s that” he said
“What the black hair? Or me gaining weight??? And answer carefully” I said raising an eyebrow
“I think it’s the weight! It looks good on you. Your bodies filling out” he said smuggly
“CREEPER MUCH” I said smacking him playfully
“Nooo not in that way. You just look so much happier and healthier now” he said rolling his eyes
“Yeah she looks healthier now cause her ass is fat” Madi said
“ALRIGHTTTT no more body talk” I said laughing
“It’s still pretty early, and we’re on the beach, so I say beach time???” Chris asked
We all agreed, and I was the first to get up and turn around. As I turned around Nate and Trils eyes followed down to my ass. Something Matt took note of, and he wasn’t happy about that.
Madi and I were sharing a room, and decided to match bathing suits. We both wore vibrant hot pink bikinis that were kind of a thong in the back. They weren’t cheeky but they also weren’t g string. Somewhere in the middle.
This was a matching suit we bought 5 months ago, and my body has changed in the last 5 months. So the top part was a little extra snug
“Madi you look so hot in pink” I told her
“You looks so hot in pink” she said
“I have to find my sun block, but could you go downstairs and find my purse” she asked me
“Of course baby” I said and went downstairs
All the guys were sitting on the couch waiting on Madi and I
“Have yall seen Madi’s purse” I called out from the kitchen
“Yeah it’s over here” Nick called out
“Perfect I’m coming” I said after slipping on my flip flops and walking over
“WOAHHHHH” Nick said causing everyone to look up from their phone
I just rolled my eyes at him, and went to grab Madi’s purse which was next to Matt.
“I like the pink” he said looking at me
“Thank you matt” I said smiling at him
“Oh I need a cover up. I left mine back home, and Madi’s are too small for me” I said
“Want one of my shirts?” Tril asked
“Sure” I said. He got up and came back a few minutes later with a shirt for me
“Thank you” I said slipping it on
Madi finally found her sunblock and came down stairs
“Aii bitches let’s go” she said
We walked out the front door and around the house to get to the entrance of the beach
Once we found a good spot we set up or towels, and I took off my shirt
“Hey could you pass me the sunblock” I asked Madi
“Yeah here” she said handing it to me
It was the spray on kind, so I sprayed myself except my back I couldn’t reach
“Back please” I told Madi handing her the bottle and turning around
Matt watched Tril and Nate, and immediately their eyes fell down to look at my ass. Nick also noticed this
“Y’all have no shame” he said to them shaking their head
They both laughed and put there hands up in defense
We all sat around tanning for a little bit, but I was starting to overheat
“Hey I’m going into the water it’s too hot” I said getting up and walking to the water
I got in the water about just below breast level. When I felt a ball hit me, so I turned around
“Oh I’m so sorry” the guy came walking over.
“Oh no worries it didn’t hit me hard” I said looking up at him blocking the sunlight out of my eyes
“What's your name?” He asked
“I’m Y/N, and yours” I asked him
“I’m Logan” he said sticking his hand out, which I happily grabbed and shook
“Nice to meet you Logan” I said
“Likewise” he said and winked
“Are you from here?” He asked me
“Oh no my friends and I are just on a vacation” I said to him
“Nice! I’m actually from here, but I live in Georgia right now for work” he said
“Oh, that's really cool. How’s Georgia?” I asked him
“I mean it’s nice, but it’s not Florida” he said shining his bright smile
“I mean that’s true. I’m from New York, so I get that” I said laughing a little bit
“You know tonight we’re having a bonfire my friends and I, maybe your friends and yourself would like to join?” He asked
“Uhh yeah maybe, I could ask them” I told him
“Alright well uh cool, I’ll see you around Y/N” he said started to walk back
“Yeah I’ll see you around Logan” I said, and decided to get out the water, and head back to everyone
“Who was that?” Madi asked me
“His names Logan, he was nice” I said to her drying myself off with my spare towel
“Yeah, and he was hot” she said
“Ehh he was okay” I said shrugging my shoulders
“Uhh no he was hot” Nick said chiming in
“So everybody was just watching me” I said laughing
“Well duh! A guy approaches you. We have to watch” Chris said
“Good to know, but anyways he invited us to a bonfire tonight on the beach. I told him I’d let you guys know” I told them
“Oh we have to go” Nate said
Everyone agreed except Matt
“How about you Matt?” I asked him
He just looked up from his phone and shrugged his shoulders
Hmm weird but what’s ever…”uhh okay” I said
We had gotten back from the beach a few hours ago, and decided to get some pizza from a nearby spot.
Eventually we all decided to head to the beach for the bonfire. I immediately saw Logan, so we walked over
“Hey Logan” I said
“Heyyy” he said going in for a hug, which shocked me, but I hugged him back
We all introduced everyone to each other and kind of just broke apart to talk to everyone
We were all sitting around the bonfire just talking
Logan was talking my ear off, and throwing compliments at me here and there. But I didn’t really care for him.
I kept glancing over at Matt who was occasionally talking to some girl.
I started to get a bit jealous. I really liked Matt, but I felt like he didn’t like me back. The girl had gotten up to get a drink, when Matt and I’s eyes locked. I smiled at him, and just kind of rolled his eyes and looked away.
That was weird?? And uncalled for
So I turned back to Logan and chatted with him. At one point he started to get a little too flirty. He went as far as tucking my hair behind my ear. And when I kind of moved my head away I looked at Matt, and he was watching me. But when he saw that he got up and started to walk away
“Uhh I’ll be back” I said to Logan and shot up walking after Matt
“Hey Matt what’s up?” I said walking with him
“Nothing” he said back bluntly
“Doesn’t seem like nothing” I told him
“Well it’s nothing” he said once again bluntly
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked him
“Nope” he said popping the P and looking at the water
“I’m not sure what I did to you, but whatever it is I’m sorry” I said and stormed off heading back to the house.
Got to the house, and went up to my bed. I started to cry. How could someone I adore so much just treat me like that. I didn’t do a single thing to him, and now he’s giving me the cold shoulder and being mean.
I ended up falling asleep before anyone came back, so I knew I’d face some questions when I woke up. Surprisingly, I woke up after everyone. I decided to shower and do my whole routine before heading downstairs
“Morning Y/N” Nick said smiling at me
“Morning guys” I said
“What happened to you last night?” Chris asked me
“Oh i got really tired, so I decided to head in” I told him as I sat down to eat a bagel
I sat next to Matt, and he didn’t even look over at me.
“Morning Matt” I said looking at him, he was drinking his orange juice, and all he did was raise his eyebrows at me.
We were on day 5 of our trip, and Matt was completely ignoring me now. He would go out of his way to not be near me, or interact with me at all. I spent those nights crying over how hurt I felt. I was hurting him, and he wouldn’t even talk to me about it.
Tonight everyone called it a night at about 12, but I was so riddled with anxiety that I stood up. I decided to sit outside on the patio
Once again letting tears fall from my eyes. Not understanding why he was being so mean to me. It was unfair.
I heard the screen door open and someone step out
“Y/N?” I heard someone say. I looked over my shoulder and scoffed
“What do you want Matt?” I said wiping my eyes and sniffling
“Are you crying?” He asked me sitting diagonal from me
“What does it matter” I spat at him
“Why are you crying?” He asked me with worry written all over his face
“Doesn’t matter not like you’d care anyways” I said to him
“I do care” he responded
“You’re not going to do this. You’re not going to sit and ignore me for 5 days, and then want to come out here and be all sweet and play therapist. You can go right back inside and leave me alone” I said shooing him
“Woah” he said taken aback
“Woah nothing matt…woah nothing. You’ve been a dick to me this whole trip, and I was so excited to see you. But for the past 5 nights, guess what I’ve been doing?? CRYING OVER YOU” I said slightly raising my voice
“God this is all my fault” he said rubbing his eyes and sighing
“It sure is” I said rolling my eyes at him
“I’ve been such an idiot. I’ve been bottling up how I feel so so fucking long” he said
“What the fuck are you saying” I said getting annoyed
“Y/N I like you so fucking much. That it actually brings pain to my heart and chest when I see you talking to other guys. And when Tril and Nate were looking at you making comments it just made me so jealous. And when Logan came over to you. I wanted to throw up with anxiety. I hated the fact that you were looking and talking to them, and not me. That I got so angry with you, but truly I was angry at myself, and jealous over someone who isn’t mine” he finally said
It took a second for all that to register in my head
“I..Matt what?” I said confused
“I really really like you. Like a lot” he said looking into my eyes
“Matt, I have liked you for the longest time. I missed you so fucking much while I was back home that I wanted to call you every second of everyday, but I just couldn’t bring myself to” I told him
“You should’ve….I would have picked up. For you I will always pick up” he said
“Y/N will you be my girlfriend?” He asked me getting up and walking to sit next to me
“Yes Matt. Yes I will” I told him looking at him
“God I’m such a fool. I will never ever do anything stupid like that again” he said pulling me in for a hug
“Matt never do that. Know that I am here for you. Always and forever. And however you’re feeling. Just come and speak to me about it. We will work this out together” I said pulling away
“I promise I will” he said giving me his pinky
I laughed and made a pinky promise with him, and with his other hand he pulled me in for a kiss.
The next two days of the trip were amazing. Matt and us had been doing everything as a couple, and truly enjoying the end of our vacation before we all had to head home
“TO US” we all screamed as we cheersed our soda cans
This was a vacation that would remain a core memory for me.
The End
Hope and pray that to the person who requested this likes it🫶🏽🫶🏽 Hope you guys enjoyed😘😘 time to keep pumping these stories out !!
-J💅🏽
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beep-function · 2 months
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Afterglow
“You know I won’t stop till you give in to me.”
It’s a late summer afternoon and it’s laundry night. Life has been hectic and to have some control in it you decided to at least have some laundry done. Work has been stressful, moving to a new place too..but along with it all is Jeongguk.
He’s technically your roommate, as he decided to rent out a room in his home and you’ve been living with him for a couple of months now. Unknowingly, you’d find that Jeongguk was looking for someone to spend his plentiful time with and to entertain him.
“I’m too tired Jeongguk, not this time.” “Just hear me out-“
You let him continuously rant of his plans for something,
you’re used to his rambling and storytelling that honestly goes on way longer than it should. The feeling of tiredness has been weighting on you since 4 hours ago so you’re really just not in the mood to be socializing or anything right now.
“-said that I spend too much time alone and that I’m not getting any younger and that I should at least be seeing someone but-“
You tuned back into his rambling, his eyes and body animating his words but you stopped his rant.
“Why don’t you date someone? You definitely have the time.”
Jeongguk’s eyebrows furrowed a bit, nose scrunched as if he heard something absolutely absurd.
“Well, he already knows I only like-“
He paused, eyes fluttering as he processed his words and just to widen as he catches your gaze. Waiting for his response with an eyebrow raised for him to go on, his arms drop down his sides and face flushed.
“Forget what I was just about to say, it was not important so PLEASE do not ask me ha ha ha….”
He pushes his way forward and continued your load of laundry, adding towels to the washer. You watched him but remembered from earlier.
“By the way, what were you asking from me? You didn’t say it.”
Starting the machine he turns slowly, his back to the machine and pushes himself to sit onto of the machine. Conflicted he breathes and continues.
“So. It’s kinda sorta a favor I need from you…”
You signal with a wave of your hand for him to let it out. He sighs with tense shoulders and nervously picks at his skin.
“Okay so, jin hyung was planning his anniversary party and he’s inviting our other hyungs to come and I know they’re going to be bombarding me with questions on my life and what I’ve been up to and blah blah blah and I just….I want you to come with me as if you’re dating me.”
You were turned away from him as you’re folding your clothes but with his proposal you turned to look at him. He flinches while you turned as if he wasn’t ready to face you.
“B-but please!! I know you said that, um you’re not dating right now because you’re too busy with life and all but this is really really really important to me!! And you’re like the only person I could have asked this and made it look natural! It would just be one night and honestly it would be good for us!! You know like a bonding with us, keeps us strong together and our home life healthier!!! Please!!”
He jumps off the machine and crowds closer to you, stopping you from continuing the laundry.
“I-I’ll cook for you…clean your room! U-Uh share my skincare? Honestly we already do that but still! Just this once!”
He huffs with his arms out, stressing with need of this favor. You hold a hand out on his chest, keeping some distance from him as he had gotten extremely close from his feud.
“Mmm….maybe”
He brightens a bit and his arms raise up.
“But-“
He dims.
You push him with your fingers to a seat, he’s staring up at you, face rosy and shyly stares.
“I won’t go easy on you Jeongguk. Don’t start something you can’t handle..”
He gulps in his seat and fiddles with his jacket sleeves a bit.
“S-so is that a yes?”
You look up from where you were removing the dried clothes, piling into your basket.
“ it’s a yes but you’re going to help me finish this laundry.”
Bouncing up off his seat and giving a wobbly smile he joins your side and starts folding your laundry with you.
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lualuabestningdungie · 2 months
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I miss you, I’m sorry… -lee heeseung
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Pairing exboyfriend!hee x gn!reader; genre second chance; warnings angst, mentions of injuries and blood, fluff ending; wc 913
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A loud knock on your door interrupted your sleep. You looked around and checked the hour; 3 am. Why was someone knocking at this time?
You got up from bed and walked towards the door. Turning the doorknob, you peered through the side of the door. A heavy weight leaning on the door made it go open. You stepped back and you saw him.
Lee Heeseung, sitting on the entrance floor covered in blood.
“Heeseung- what the hell?” You kneeled beside him. “What happened to you?” Your hand cupped his face making him wince in pain shutting his eyes.
“Hey…” he half smiled.
You sighed. “Did you get into a fight?” He opened his eyes, but didn’t turn to look at yours.
“I did.” His head lowered. You could see bruises on his cheeks and a cut lip. The blood on his face was now smeared all over your hands.
“Why…?” You asked looking at him concerned. “What happened?”
“It’s not a big deal.” His voice came out in a raspy tone. “It’s nothing.” His lips trembled as he spoke.
You didn’t believe it by the concerned look on his face. He looked like he was holding back tears. You took his chin in your hand and made him look at you.
“Heeseung… tell me.” He sighed and looked away from your eyes.
“It was the only way you’d talk to me again.” He mumbled. Your hand fell from the grip on his chin. “I just wanted to see you again…”
“You’re crazy.” You were confused. Why would he do that? It's not really a surprise that he got into a fight. He used to get into fights all the time back when you two dated. Everyone told you he was dangerous and that he wasn't good for you.
"It's driving me crazy not to talk to you anymore..." He sighed, leaning his back against the doorframe. "You used to heal me wounds back then, after I got into fights." He chuckled bitterly.
Your heart ached at the memory of it. How he spend nights at your place for you to take care of him. How he asked you to sleep with you so he wouldn't feel alone, and how you started falling slowly for someone who everyone saw as dangerous.
"I can't be the one to heal your wounds anymore, Heeseung," you said, it hurt you as much as it hurt him. "You need to move on. You can't keep coming back."
"You don't mean that." He said, lifting his gaze and turning to face you.
You looked at him surprised by his words. "I do-"
He interrupted. "I know you don't, so stop pretending you don't love me anymore because i know it's a lie." He spoke firmly.
He was right. Love doesn't fade in just a few weeks. You missed him the way you thought you'd never miss anyone. He became a part of you, and when your parents forced you to leave him, you felt like the world was ending.
"Heeseung, it's not that simple," you tried to explain, your voice wavering. "Love doesn't erase the problems we had. We can't go back to the way things were."
"You don't sound like yourself." His words felt like daggers. "You sound like your parents." He sounded disappointed.
"I'm not my parents," you defended, sadness lacing your voice. "But we can't ignore the reality of our situation. Love alone isn't enough to fix everything. We need time and space to heal."
Heeseung's eyes bore into yours, searching for the person he once knew. "The yn I know wouldn't give up so easily. We fought for each other before. Why is it different now?"
"Heeseung, I'm not giving up. I'm trying to protect both of us. Our love doesn't have to be defined by pain and chaos. We deserve something healthier."
The cycle kept repeating itself. You felt like this conversation had already happened in the past. And the urge to ignore everything that happened and go back to him was killing you inside.
"You were the best thing in my life, yn. I don't want anything else because you were good to me. You made me better. Why didn't you see that? Why did your parents have so much power over your decisions?" He made a pause. "I'm going to ask you something, and I want the truth..."
You sighed and nodded.
"Do you still love me?" He asked, his voice was softer now. Before you could reply, he grabbed your chin delicately, making you look at him. And he spoke again. "Look at me, do you still love me?"
A tear roll down your cheek. "I do..."
Before you could react, he leaned forward closing the space between the both of you. His lips were soft on yours, the feeling you missed all this time was finally back. His lips moved slowly against yours, the taste of the blood on his lip made you pull away slowly.
"I love you, yn. I don't think I'll ever stop." He held your hand squeezing it slightly.
"I'm sorry, Hee..." Your eyes filled with tears as you leaned forward resting your head on the crook of his neck. His arms instantly wrapped around you, pulling you closer to him, just like he wanted. "I love you, I never stopped." You whispered against his skin.
"It's alright." He whispered soothingly.
That night, both of your hearts healed together the way they were supposed to.
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Lua's note: Hello everyone :) I'm back from my small break. I just entered school again and I already feel so tired :/ i'll try my best to be active. Here's a small hee fic, bc i don't write enough enhypen. I love heeseung. anyway i hope you liked it. please reblog and interact with my posts, it helps a lot. <3
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sorrowfulrosebud · 10 months
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Thinking about:
Tokoyami being skittish and avoidant after the first few weeks of your relationship. Everything was amazing with him; he showers you in sweet compliments that leave you breathless, calls you sweet nicknames and always makes time for you. Now imagine your surprise when he starts totally avoiding you.
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The bell rings for first period, and your feathery boyfriend is yet to be seen. Anxiety started to gnaw at your chest; he hadn’t responded to your get well soon messages, only leaving you on read. You couldn’t even visit him properly since he gruffly told you to leave him alone when you tapped on his door.
It was not like Tokoyami at all, as communication was incredibly important to him in a relationship. Your anxiety bubbled over as you gnawed on your lip. Was this his way of breaking up with you? He had blown you off with plans for the last weekend too, making this a repeated issue. You knew you would get upset thinking about this, so you continued to scrawl down the notes from Aizawa’s lesson.
You mentally resolved to visit Tokoyami after the school day is finished and see just what the problem is.
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You gently tapped on Tokoyami’s door yet again, praying to whatever entity that he would let you in.
“I don’t wish to see anyone at the minute, please leave me alone,” you heard him grunt back lowly. He sounded pained and hurt, not to mention tired. You bit your lip in anxiety.
“Fumi? It’s me, my love. Are you alright? Please let me in, I’m so worried about you,” you pleaded him through the door. You heard a sigh.
“I’m sorry but not right now. I’m not well, and I do not wish to pass the illness on,” he continued, sounding more irritated by the second.
“I don’t care if you get me sick Fumi, I can take care of you and help you get better,” you compromised, hoping he takes the deal.
“Starlight, not now. This.. it’s a different kind of illness,-” Tokoyami was cut off by a series of coughs resonating deeply in his room.
“That’s it Fumikage, I’m coming in!” You announced, undeterred by his pleads and demands for you to stop. You gasp upon entering his room; black feathers were strewn across his bedroom in random directions and places. His lamps were lit, leaving the gothic bedroom in a ghostly light as you tried to find your boyfriend.
He was trembling in the middle of his bed, surrounded by a growing pile of feathers and trying to hide himself with his pillow.
“Fumi? Are you okay honey?” Your voice filtered through his room as you closed the door behind you.
“Why are you covering your face, love? Is something the matter?” Your worried voice drove a sigh out of Fumikage as he lowered his shield. You let out a slight gasp; he was moulting. His feathers looked sparse in some areas, some turned grey and some on their way to drop out his face. Even though his face was not one of a humans, you could almost see the bags under his eyes.
“Oh my god Fumi, what’s happened?!” You try not to let your voice get too alarmed; you didn’t want your boyfriend to think you were disgusted of him.
“I knew this would happen. It was foolish of me to think I could prevent it. It is a byproduct of my quirk: every few months I moult my feathers to make way for thicker and healthier ones, but as such it takes a toll on my body. I get hot flashes, and my feathers just drop out. I am usually plagued by insomnia, yet it worsens during this period of time. You must think it’s disgusting,” his voice quietens in embarrassment.
You let out a small “oh” upon his explanation, feeling stupid for your prior thoughts. You slowly made your way to his bed and sat next to him, rubbing slow circles to his shoulder.
“That’s not the case at all, my love! I had no idea that your quirk would cause this but it makes sense. I wish you would have told me about this. I’m here for you, I can help you face problems like these. It’s not a disgusting thing, it’s perfectly natural,” you comforted him, slowly grabbing his hand and gently rubbing in between the knuckle like you know he likes.
Tokoyami seemed shocked at your response. Any other person apart from Shoji usually made comments along the lines of “ew, I couldn’t cope with it,” or something. The politest would just give him a sympathetic smile that was tinged with disgust.
“A-are you quite sure starlight? This can be a troublesome task-” you interrupt him.
“Of course Fumi. Now, come here. I brought some supplies in case you were sick,” you rearrange yourself so that you were at the headrest of the bed and Fumikage curled up against you. You produced a bottle of his favourite flavoured water and held it to him as he shakily managed a few gulps. He let out a shaky and tired breath as he nestled himself against your chest.
Your hands found his silky feathers and Fumikage’s eyes burst open. It was foreign for him to feel someone so casually pet him. You worked in continuous strokes, gently setting aside any loose or broken feathers before petting him again.
Fumikage let out a contented chirp each time you found a particularly annoyed or irritated area. His natural bird-like instincts were screaming at him; his mate was grooming him!! Actually helping him maintain his appearance!! Making him feel better about his icky transformation!! It was a dream come true.
He nuzzled his beak closer to your neck and allowed his breaths to get deeper and slower, before totally falling limp against you.
And you know what? That was the best night’s sleep he had in 4 days.
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thewayuarent · 5 months
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Boston and Ray deserve each other
In a very positive way
I have a theory that if we’ll think about this friend group in a long-term perspective, Boston and Ray have the best chances to keep their relationship and grow up to an actual friendship. Let me explain.
Boston and Ray, while being very different, have a lot of common traits. And what differ them from the other two in this friend group, is that both Ton and Ray are people who constantly judged by their surroundings (and society) for their behavior - Boston is a slut, which is bad for some reason, and Ray is a suicidal alcoholic, which makes him a burden in everyone’s eyes.
And that makes them outcasts from their perfect, level-headed, proper friends Mew and Cheum (seriously fuck them both I’m so sorry I tried my best). So I believe they have at least some level of mutual understanding. It’s not coincidence that Boston was the one who was responsible for taking drunk Ray home. It’s not coincidence that Ray was the one who listened about all Boston’s who’s and how’s. They may not be very much supportive of each other, but they know they don’t have a right to judge the other also.
The thing with these two, in my opinion, is that while they don’t necessarily judge other’s behavior, they know very well what’s other weak spots are. And they know how and when bring it to the table. Boston outed Ray in frond of Sand? Ray does the same shit with Boston in frond of Nick! Do I believe that Ray actually judges Boston for his sex adventures? No. But I know, and Ray knows, how it will look like in other’s eyes.
And don’t get me wrong, those two love seeing each other miserable. Boston fucked up Ray’s attempt to get a new start with Sand just because he was feeling like this. Because Ray in his eyes is, well, pathetic with his whole being in love with Mew situation. And did my boy enjoyed it.
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Same way Ray is very much enjoys the view of Boston being screamed at by Cheum. He’s absolutely having fun.
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But. But they still have a level they won’t step over. The bar is very low, but it’s here.
Because when Ray is on his lowest point, crushed by cops while Cheum screams at him (about the same thing Boston previously laughed at), Boston doesn’t have fun anymore.
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Because when Cheum (why is it always her) tells Boston he’s cut off his friends and the project that will cost him his future, Ray doesn’t have fun anymore.
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They don’t do anything to help or support each other, obviously, but they are worried. Cheum is angry, Mew is either black out or having the best time of his life, but those two are actually concerned. And I know it’s not much, and it’s absolutely not what you expect from friends, but this is Boston and Ray we’re talking about.
Both of them, very differently, have no idea how to love properly. Because both of them have no idea how to be loved either. They both know their roles - a slut or a burden - they know how people see them and they are used to it. This is why we get constant parallels between BostonNick and SandRay dynamics.
Because when was the last time someone - including themselves - saw them as something more than a number of dirty toxic unhealthy traits?
When was the last time anyone appreciated how talented of a photographer Boston is?
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When was the last time anyone told Ray he has good taste in music?
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Was anyone there before to not just love them, cause sometimes it’s the easiest part, but to see them, forgive them, be there for them again, and again, and again?
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I honestly don’t think so.
And yes, for now they are absolutely not there, but I do believe that they will grow - they’re doing it already. They will learn how to care about others the same way they will learn to accept someone’s love and care.
And for now it’s Nick and Sand, but - baby steps - while they’ll continue their journeys, they will learn to give it for other people. And I would bet on them finding each other again. In a way more healthier place.
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spicyclover · 11 months
Text
Show me your scar
Summary: Being teammates isn’t always the easiest thing in the world. 
Request
Hope you’ll enjoy this part. Let me know in the comments section! And to support me by tipping me!
I'm open to requests.
Little information, I will, for now, only post on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Thank you, and Enjoy! :)
Lots of love, xxx Spicy Clover
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Rivalry and challenge have always been the words to describe your relationship with Daniel. Never giving up. No matter the cause. No matter the consequence. He’s one of the tops of the top drivers, and you can’t afford to lose another race. It’s almost the middle of the season, and you’re way behind him. 
You can’t sleep or eat as you should. All those worries and pressure put you in a state you can’t imagine. It’s eating you alive, even though you try to keep healthier habits. Seeing him perform more than you is painful. Eating less. Putting more hours in the sim or at the gym. You can’t even remember the last time you went out with friends. 
You hate being the second driver. It’s a fact. We are at the Canadian Grand Prix, and you’re about to go in your car for the race. Your weekend has been worst than ever. You couldn’t or barely do the practice season since your vehicle had a mechanical problem. You have qualified in P12, way behind your teammates who are in P6. 
Sat in the car, you’ve been focusing on your race. You haven’t eaten in a day and are throwing up everything you put in your mouth out of stress. You’re dehydrated, but the doctor cleared you for the race. You can feel the lack of sleep and food getting to you, but you suppress those feelings to focus. You need to focus. All you need to do is set your mind and mind to win and be better than him. 
You do the formation lap, and the race begins. The first corner is the worst. Everyone turns around. And already two cars are hitting each other, causing a lot of debris to spread out on the track. You get through the dust cloud and are a little further away. A yellow flag is automatically displayed, and your engineer informs you as best he can of the situation. Three cars are off the grid, so you’re three places ahead on the grid. You’re no longer twelfth but ninth, three places to your number-one rival.
The red flag is on, and you all get behind the safety car and back to the pit. Once in the pits, everyone is allowed to get out of their vehicle, as the red flag may take several minutes. 
Okay, here is the thing about Daniel. Is the best teammate in the world outside the track. Always been friendly and compassionate. He likes you. It’s a fact. Being the first woman in a long time in a formula one car and being his teammate is the dream for Daniel. So when you’re out of your monoplace, he’s already by your side, debriefing the incident. 
“What a crazy start,” he says with his sexy Australian accent. “It was just pure chaos. I saw it in my mirrors. It’s a good thing you haven’t been it.”
“Yeah,” you mumble, eager to get away from him.
You like Daniel, he’s a great person, don’t let anyone fool you. But you can’t let the fact of being his teammate and being the less competitive one is so hard on you. You just can’t let things go, and every time, sometimes happens, you can’t let it go. You've always been like this. Making no difference between the race track and off-track. So even though you like him, you just can let things go. At some point, you just stop talking about anything and let him do all the talking. 
Well, in fact, one night in Monaco, you allowed yourself a little party and ended up being drunk in a boat, almost falling out off the ship and into the Mediterranean. Thanks to Daniel, who passed by and caught you in time. You were in his arms when you started mumbling all you had in your heart. Letting your bag go and saying what’s been bothering you. 
“You know. I hate being the second driver. You have all the glory and everything because the car is designed for you. What am I left with? Scrubs. It’s suck. I’ve been sick for three weeks now because I just can’t deal with my shit.” You cried on his shirt. “I don’t want to be second.”
He brought you back to your hotel room and stayed with you. Listening carefully to everything you’ve said to him. He knew this feeling of being second too well, and he couldn’t do anything to improve it for you. Before returning to his apartment, he brushes your hair and puts your pyjamas on. 
You didn’t talk about this after. And a year has passed, and you’ve been in the same situation again. Making yourself sick to be at your best performance. The red flag is over, and you all drive off to race. 
Your laps are getting good, and you feel good about the car. You managed to get behind, Daniel. Finally, you’re getting in the groove. Your laps are getting better than Daniel, and the team order Daniel to let you through. You’re in the long straight to the last corner. After insisting quite a bit, Daniel let you through at the last moment, making a dangerous move. 
Your wheels lock up, and you’re enabled to finish your turn. You are going straight to the champion wall, full speed and no brake. The back of Daniel's car damaged your front wings, which blocked your brake and locked up the wheels. You don’t even have time to think you hit the first wall. Part of the barrier flies around, and you feel something touching your chest. 
The second wall came quickly as the first one. You can feel pressure on your chest, and you have difficulty breathing. You can hear on the radio your engineers calling your name. You want to say something, but the words are stuck in your throat. 
After that, you don’t remember much. Everything is blurred. You are in great pain and somehow hear Daniel's voice calling your name. Then you black out. 
The first thing you hear when you wake up. It’s the rhythm of the monitor. Then you smell sanitizer. When you can open your eyes. You are met with the worried looks of your family. And then everything became a blur. The doctor's announcement. The end of your career. The beginning of this new rehabilitation. The world kept turning, but you felt stuck in your bed. Well, you are stuck in bed. Time flies, and the vacation finally arrives. You’ve been discharged, and you went back home to the UK.
It’s the first in three months that you and Daniel will see each other again. At first, you’ve been angry at him, wondering why he made that move. When he enters your apartment, a weird silence takes place. Neither of you knows what to say to the other. Deep down, you must keep your mind open and calm to any outcome. So when you see how uncomfortable he has been, you can’t help yourself to hug him. A weight is lifted from your shoulder and Daniels. Something forgiveness is the way to find peace. 
You converse for quite a while, talking about everything other than racing. It’s been long since you opened up to him that way. Making yourself vulnerable again, just like at the beginning of this journey. Really being friends with him.
“Show me your scar.” He says tenderly after seeing you scratching through the fabric of your shirt. 
You take your top off, showing yourself in your sports bra. He sees it for the first time. This scar on your chest’s forever grave in your skin because of his mistake is like a fantom reminder of his action toward you. His gaps silently.
“I’m sorry.” He whispers, tears in his eyes. 
“I’ll heal.” You simply say, putting your shirt back on. 
“Scars don’t disappear.”
“No. But they heal, and I think I need to heal now.” You say, stocking his cheek and removing a few tears from his eyes. “I’ll be better, and it’s time I care for myself.”
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