Hiii stormie my dear, how are you? first of all, i wanted to say that i adore your blog and i think u are a breath of fresh air here. Thank you! Because i trust u, I wanted to say some things im thinking about since seven released, i hope u dont mind.

Ok, like jk says: lets get it! Right, I do understand people feeling sad about jimin and face era. It was awful how sabotaged he was, and i still dont get what really happened and i'm mad to whatever or whoever is responsible for it. But i'm seeing so many people doubting the veracity in jungkookie's success with seven and i'm hating it. I dont think the song is getting payola, nor playlists by paying for it and neither ads on youtube. First, the song was sent to radios, but just a few of them r playing it, one of them being a guy who loves to plays "k-pop" songs. If there was payola, it would be playing everywhere all the time already. The playlist thing: just like "like crazy eng. ver", seven entered the Today's Top Hits playlist. But at #23 place. I just saw a tweet by a guy talking about this: https://twitter.com/cantorpedia/status/1680258574688088066?s=20. We know that there's some shady thing happening in this playlist for a while, and if seven have deals to get this high debut numbers, it would had debuted at the top in the playlist, even in the cover (it may go up next week, because there is supposed to be some internal logic that the more a song receives streams IN the playlist, the more it rises). Also, seven had a huge filtering in spotify, just like all BTS' songs, which also shows that they r not making deals. Now, about Youtube ads... i saw a person posting a ss about seeing an ad of the song, but apparently is fake.

Seven is doing AWESOME numbers because: its a english catchy song, with a cute mv, sang by THEE Jeon Jungkook. Im not joking, seven is really a gp success.. yesterday i saw 3 people from my daily life and inner circle talking about loving the song. My sister, who is not an army, said that she listened to the song all day while i was not home. Gp is loving it. So they did with butter (which is a eng song too), but Seven has a differential: the clean and explict version r being counted combined. Plus, seven is doing awesome everywhere, even in korean charts.

If there was something shady going on, i dont think they would make more than 1 version for the song, even on youtube (there is a new perfomance video for the explict ver). They would just send to radios and count on the payola and the deals w spotify, tiktok, youtube, for the charts (thats what most western artists does). But since billboard started filtering the songs so much so that made like crazy drop from 1 to 45 in a week and then stopped counting digital versions from usa based artist stores, BTS had to start making available to fans different versions of the same song because they know they cant count on radio, but can count on the sales and streams. Since Like Crazy, i feel like Hybe is experimenting ways of overcoming the sabotage by the industry.

The thing is, i think we can and should talk and raise questions about how jimin was treated badly, in every chart and streaming platform. For example, views from youtube were not being frozen in Yoongi's songs too, just like jk's. So, its not a privilege that jk is receiving, its just that something was really happening with face promotions, who knows what and why. But that was not jk's or any member fault.

Anyway, i'm happy for jk and i know much more is coming his way. And i cant wait for jimin to make a new comeback soon too. I hope it all goes well yk, Jimin deserves the best in his promotions just like jk and the other members. Lets hope. I'm sorry for hijacking your tumblr for this rant, im hoping u have some thoughts on the subject

Rant shared. I shared my thoughts about most of this a few weeks ago, I'm sure anyone who wants to can still scroll to go find it all, I'm not *really* wanting to open it all back up for discussion again. People are VILE honestly. I enjoy the song, it's fun, it's not much more than that and it's clearly made to be a western audience radio hit. Jungkook deserves and has my full support though! 💜 thanks for sharing

Im a huge horror movie buff and i think that genre is a perfect example of how, in this weird pursuit to make cinema appeal to everybody of every human experience and walk of life, it often just ends up appealing to nobody.

Like, okay, let me be more specific. Let's use The Conjuring franchise.

I LOVE the first Conjuring film. It's a fantastic supernatural horror film. Has a really cool premise, harkens back to the old Amityville Horror classic but with more modern filmmaking tech and capabilities, and it knows how to do a "true story" (insofar as you believe in demons or the word of the Warrens) horror film. It's creepy, it's unsettling, it builds and builds and knows just when to release the tension to give you a big thrill without relying entirely on jumpscares. And it was loved by audiences and critics alike, and for good reason.

But that doesn't mean that making it a franchise was a good idea. You gotta remember that horror films getting positive critical attention wasn't much of a thing outside of horror circles until very VERY recently. Horror has always been a bit of a pariah among other genre films. It's an acquired taste that most people can't acquire. You can rely on a steady and consistent audience when you decide to become a horror filmmaker, but you just can't rely on that audience to grow.

And you definitely shouldn't try to pull outsiders in by force. Outside of the first one, I've seen The Conjuring 2 and The Nun. Both are... underwhelming, at best. At worst, I wouldn't even call them horror anymore. The creepiness is gone, it's no longer vaguely unsettling, it's all jumpscares, the payoffs are in these big action sequences instead of a thrill meant to instill fear. They feel more like action movies, and not even very good ones. It's like they're trying to ride on their initial success by appealing to audiences they just don't have, and have lost the foundational horror audience in the process.

And the thing is, I feel like it could've been good. The concept of an anthology series based on the case files of Ed and Lorraine Warren could've been a really cool horror franchise, if they actually stuck to their target audience instead of trying to pull in the fringes. In the case of The Conjuring, I think that was just profit motivated, but the point still stands when youre talking about any form of representation, I feel.

How many times do you hear, especially on the internet, that x media was bad or even "problematic" because they don't appeal to a hugely sweeping demographic of everybody on earth and every human experience? "I think as an adult that this pixar movie for children is the death of art." "I think as a white person that blackwashing exists." "I think this underground arthouse film was snuffed at the academy awards." "I think not having every type of minority on screen is inherently bigoted." Okay! But sometimes movies arent made for you! If you feel like there isnt enough attention paid to your experiences, thats one thing. Thats an issue of your target audience not being considered in the industry, but its not an issue of other target audiences having movies for them. We can have both, one existing doesnt negate or take away from yours, youre fighting the wrong crusade here.

And honestly, I can tell you as a horror fan that saw The Conjuring rise and fall as a series that you really DONT want widely sweeping hypergeneralized art that appeals to everybody. I don't give a shit about that Annabelle doll that gets good SEO with its urban legends, can I please just have a good horror movie made for horror audiences again instead of all the thrills being sanded down and sanitized for action audience ticket sales?

Wrt last post..

I love the flashfam. Obviously. And i love how freaking many of them there are. Cant go five feet without bumping into a speedster! Theyre buck wild and my overall feeling is heck yeah the more the merrier.

HOWEVER

What i don't love is how it feels like having a kid is the biggest plot device of 2023 for these guys. And this is on top of the already existing kids.

So first off, for me personally, i am not super enthused about children in hero stories. Not because of any moral dilemma, i just find them boring as fuck. No offense to people who prefer stories about babies and families and parenthood. Glad you are thriving, but its just not my thing.

Exception to that is if the child in question is an actual character. For example, Bart was a full on character. And he's one of the best! But unpopular opinion time.. Irey and Jai? I need more convincing (and tbh its mostly jai). Again, thats just my personal tastes, im not saying theres bad writing, im saying that id prefer more substance.

My second problem with bringing in a handful of kids into one story is that they are such a huge obligation to the existing heroes that it has the tendency to pull all storylines over to the kids. And that's purposeful by the writer. Like, its a choice and sure its valid, i just dont like it for every tent pole speedster at the same time. It means the characters you knew and love are forever changed. It means any storylines for months or maybe even years are going to be focused around the new children.

I do want to see growth and progression for my favorite characters, but i feel like especially for the flashes right now thats only coming from being married and having a family, and its frustrating bc im over here like these are not the only way to find value in your life. You arent less of a person or empty or missing out or on a wrong path if you dont have kids. So it irks me that thats the direction right now.

And like maybe this is petty but sometimes i want to see the existing heroes i know and love having their own goofy adventures. Now theyve either got to bring their kids along, or the writer has to find reasons to leave them behind. Like say Barry and Iris have their twins (thats what's happening right? Idek) and Barry goes on some adventure, then storywise Iris and kids stay back home. They're props at that point. They're only there as supporting pieces for Barry. This is me being jaded about it, so i mean hopefully that's not the way itd go.

Anyway, im going to start circling my arguments so i should end this. My point is, i dont really want to read about kids, but heroes having them permanently changes the way the hero's story must be written. It locks the narrative in in a way im not crazy about, and married with children is not the only/default way for a character to grow and find value.

Steve was literally prom king in 1985, he mentioned that to Robin. Yeah he didn't have close friends, like Tommy and Steve, but he was still popular enough. Maybe Billy dethroned him as king Steve, however it was established he's charming. It will take more than Billy for him to drop the social ladder, especially after ditching Tommy and Carol he seemed to appear nicer. He was popular for a reason, people in general liked him I don't think that just goes away, especially because he didn't do anything horrible, besides getting rid of his old buddies. I don't think Steve was suddenly a lonely loser eating alone in the bathroom. Steve is a social person, he knows how to talk to people. The least he had is school friends. Him not being able to flirt in s3 after Nancy is completely different than making friends in general.

i don't remember the prom king line so thank you for bringing that up! i do think he was relatively well liked, im not saying he was like cast aside or dropped to like "loser" or "outcast" levels of like social standing.

that aside though, you can be relatively well liked and still not have like a solid footing in high school. Like, i had tons of friends, people generally liked me, i got along well with everyone, i had someone to talk to and chat with in every class i ever took, was super involved in extra curricular activities, and yet i found myself alone a lot at school, sitting by myself in the library or the bathroom, crying my fucking eyes out cuz i was lonely.

like, being popular and having your people i feel a very different concepts, especially in an environment like high school that operates on this relatively sedentary social ecosystem. If steve always sits with tommy and carol, like we see in season 1, and they are suddenly not sitting together, sitting in the cafeteria might not even be an option anymore because at that point in the school year, theres this kind of established flow of cafeteria life. People sit in the same seats with the same groups every day. Now in season 2 you see he spends time with Nancy in the library, steve probably played basketball at lunch with the team or practiced his sport, but he wasnt really like close with jonathan, ya know? but at least he had nancy. He's still getting invited to parties and stuff, but he spends all of his time with nancy, because yes she is his girlfriend and he loves her, but at this point nancy is all thats like left of steve's people. Its clear theres an antagonistic sort of energy between steve and tommy, and tommy has some social pull still to a certain degree.

back to high school bullshit, when you and someone who operate in the same social circle are fight? it makes that social circle nearly unbearable, but there isnt really a full escape because you have the same friends the same classes the same extra curricular activities, etc.

i do like to try and take comfort in steve being a social person, post season 1 he's probably much more pleasant to be around, but he is not a smooth talker. Tommy was the loudmouth, and steve kinda just reaped the benefits of that i think, cuz you can see in season 2-3 that he's insecure, he's running on a script that doesn't really work anymore, and he's kinda awkward. He's not good with words when he has to be at the forefront of things. Take his essay as the first example of that. When he's left up to his own devices, his words don't exactly make sense or fit together. When he doesn't have a system or script to fall back on, he flounders.

This is seen even further in seasons 3-4 where you see steve relying on these high school systems he's learned to work so well, but now that he's not tied to all of it in this post Tommy and post billy world, its not working.

i'm not saying he's some sort of self pitying sad loser boy, but i am saying he probably didn't feel all that secure ya know? like, he's clearly defeated when he doesn't get to leave hawkins, when he doesn't get in anywhere, because he needs something new. He's stuck where he's at and its not working for him.

idk i didn't mean to like make this a long post lol, but yeah i think that there could be a lot of stuff going on in his head and in his life that might contradict some of the assumed social life of our dear dear steve. I'm not saying hawkins high like threw him to the side and discarded him, he wasn't some teen-movie-john-hughes social reject, but he was probably lonely and probably struggling even if it seemed like everyone liked him well enough, that doesn't necessarily mean you feel close to anyone. Being liked and having friends can be two separate things

this is all just like my brain stuff i like to chew on when im bored and wanna think about steve harrington <3

ah. once again in that I need to meet new people ( in a friend way)

like occasionally it just hits me and my best friend in a major way. For example she is busy this week and my other best friend lives in a different city most of the year so its just

What do i plan to do during the week? Like ill probably spend a day or teo catching up with my two childhood friends as we do every few months. But then what? Go outside with her little sister? (she is the most social person in our friend group. its not always healthy)

Like mostly its just. I dunno i know i should put some effort with connecting to communities and going to places regularly because thats people make friends. but also i dont have the energy for most activities that would help with this

Frankly community dance classes (there is a place near me that has them free) is something that does interest me but 1st i dont really want to go alone, and second most people there are my mothers age and I socialise with her and her friends more than i want to

I dunno. There are probably queer events in the city that are more likely to end up with casual friends. Im just having a hard time finding them outside of pride? ehich i do go every year but uh june isnt the best time for me to keep contact with people

And pride itself is usually so fuckin. hot. that i dont really talk to people much while were actually walking

i dunno. its definetly about taking the initiative and being a little annoying sometimes but i was Very annoying in middle school and now i am uh too carefull about being annoyibg to my own detriment

Maybe i should also look up for some weeb centric events? We have more of those and i know how to socialise with that crowd... even if my tastes are a bit ot the left of most people there

But like im not sure i want to go back to the social circles of cosplayers. I am passingly familiar with some of the cosplayer drama in my city rn because the community isnt that big and i frankly dont wany anything to do with it

also i feel like ill mostly see a bunch of younger kids there. which. hm maybe i should just go with my little brother more as an us thing then to meet new friends

but just. I dunno i am just not the best at socialising and sometimes I feel like it wouldnt be that bad to, and because it doenst happen often i try to embrace it with both hands for the few weeks it lasts

Because I know i like having a close knit group of people i care a lot about and about 6 people is well within my capabilities, even if i usually stick around 2 plus siblings

also sometimes i just want to argue with new people. i very much Can find different things to discuss with my best friend all the time, but also id like to have a detailed analysis of someone elses opinion of the universe sometimes (... so i can talk about it with my best friend) (idk i feel like we end up psyhco analysing her little sister a bit to much recently, she is clearly going thru something but what were doing isnt helping)

July 15 - 2023 Saturday

8:40 AM

I barely remember a dream where I was being complimented by old ladies for being such a nice young man. Thats one of my favorite feelings in the world. 

Last night’s party was AMAZING, solid 8.5/10 which is very good to me. I didn’t expect it to be better than last year’s party. So many people showed up just for me and that felt nice. We basically just hopped wherever I wanted to go which was a few worlds I had in my favorites. Too much fun was had just fucking around. 

Today I’m trying to change my perspective a little bit. I’m okay doing a lot of things by myself as long as I have someone to come back to and share it with. Thats what friends in general are for. I’m someone that wants to share good things with someone always. I’ve always been like this. Sometimes when I’m having too much fun alone, I stop and think who I could include in this. Usually it’s no one so I either stop for some reason or I just try to enjoy it anyways. At this time, I have someone to report all the good things back to so no matter what I do, I want to enjoy it so I can report it back later. 

10:29 AM

I’ve been kinda stunlocked. I keep seeing videos of people out and about and I’m just jealous. I wish I had a normal life sometimes. I hate living where I am. But I don’t want to farm pity about it. I’m doing what I can. Someday my situation will change for the better. 

Its hard for me to focus or do anything when I really want something that I can’t have. I can’t stop thinking about it but I gotta.

2:42 PM

I’m really trying to watch my thinking but I did get on a sort of tangent in the shower that I honestly don’t remember much of at this point. I do think one thing though, I want to focus my attention on one issue at a time because I find myself trying to manage every issue at once and how they relate to one another. Figuring out what to focus on is a matter of pre-requisites. Finding and accepting the kind of love I need for instance would require me to be more in touch with who I am, which seems to be at the core of a lot of things. I can’t truly operate without knowing my own identity. I’ve been thinking the first thing to go hard at is to regain my self perspective. I know what it’s like to “wake up” and remember who I am and my relation to all my memories. I want to get in touch with that and make that more constant. Without that it feels like I’m behaving like a robot or conforming to a character, not acting authentically. 

4:30 PM

Earlier while I was idling in VRchat while working on my world, someone asked me what I like to do in my spare time. It’s one of those questions that instantly re-awakens me to the fact that I don’t know what I like and how constantly scary it is to be in this state of not-knowing. 

I’ve been having this thing where I see more socially active furries posting about their daily life and achievements and they get a bunch of likes/friends supporting them. My twitter is just dead and makes me feel like I don’t matter sometimes because my friends don’t interact with it. Also I perceive these other furries to be part of larger social circles because they actually participate in discourse. I don’t know how to be a part of this though. 

5:49 PM

SMALL exercise that directly applies to my current feelings. 

To begin this exercise, first bring to mind an upsetting thought that takes the form ‘I am X’, for example, ‘I am dumb’, ‘I am such a loser’ or ‘I’m so incompetent.’ Preferably pick a thought that often recurs and that usually bothers or upsets you when it does. Now hold that thought in your mind and believe it as much as you can. Focus on it for several seconds. Notice how it affects you.

“My friend doesn’t like me very much.”

It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I might have become too attached and am being led on but I’m so desperate for attention that I stay despite believing that they only keep me around so they don’t hurt me or maybe they want something out of me. 

Now take that thought and, in front of it, insert this phrase: ‘I’m having the thought that...’ Now run that thought again, this time with the phrase attached. Think to yourself, ‘I’m having the thought that I am X.’ Notice what happens.

“I’m having the thought that my friend doesn’t like me very much.”

It isn’t very strong but the addition of those words puts distance from the thought. Whereas before it felt true like I was appraising a real thing, recognizing it as a thought rips it from the real world and puts it back into my head. It’s just a way of re-phrasing things to be more “true.” Stating my thoughts straight up is technically lying, or could be since I might not be correct. It’s at least more accurate to announce my thoughts AS thoughts. 

11:50 PM

I HATE TALKING TO MYSELF but I want to learn to tolerate it. I hide from myself because past me was cringe and I worry current me is cringe too, or at least not living up to my own expectations. I fear that I do weird things or behave abnormally in a way where if I got perspective on myself, I’d be very unsettled by it and would realize I have to change a lot. But part of changing anything is appraising it first. Part of that comes from observing my own memories with the realization that the me I am now was also there then. Things happened that I experienced. I made decisions that affected me and those around me. I am a person like everyone else and always was. 

Anyways today I woke up without feeling like total ass so my pre-prepped dinner and staying hydrated last night made sure I avoided a hangover of sorts. I was surprised how okay I felt today actually. Earlier I was unsure of what to do and started to overthink like usual but I buckled down and worked on my world for just a little bit while hanging out in VRC. Unfortunately as usual I did not do much to report, I wasn’t very captivated by much today. I had a pretty good nut while blowing myself. I did a nice little doodle that turned out to have some weird body proportions that I somehow missed while making it but I did go pretty fast. I watched Twitch like usual in my down time while trying to think of something more meaningful to do. This evening I hung out with Daisy in VC while she sculpted a mini version of her fursuit head for reference. I played Mother 3 again finally and got re-oriented into the game. I’m on the road to finishing it finally. 

Maybe I don’t like writing about my day because I barely have anything meaningful to write about. I don’t care about the boring mundane stuff I did. I want to report what I’m proud of and what was eventful. That isn’t much though which is what I’m trying to work on. 

I also wish I didn’t pollute these journal entries with all my rants and stuff. Maybe I could make a second, more public journal that is actually just a recount of my days and what is important to me. 

look i know i dont vent as often on here anymore just cause im really trying to get out of this habit where i reread and rethink the same bad thought process over and over

but every time and i do mean EVERY time i bring up something my friend doesn't exactly know or i guess care about he just doesn't bother showing interest. or shits on it without going into detail why.

like today i brought up detroit become human. its whatever! not my favorite but i liked the story of Alice and Kara and also Hank and Conner. but i really LOVEd the story of sentience and coming to be. not really gameplay oriented or even really story oriented. i just brought it up and said i liked it.

my god i've heard nothing but "game didn't know what it wanted to be, the stories and characters are trash, i only liked hank cause he's the fuckin poster badass" so of course i shut up i stop talking about it cause clearly he doesn't want to talk about it. back to this fuckin streamer named destiny.

but this has happened so many times. only with things i bring up. even when i express interest in the first half (oh its not so bad i actually liked-!) it doesn't go well. we somehow always circle back to things he wants to talk about. one time i tried to talk about pokemon and he just shut that conversation down the same way, said magic was better and more strategic. fuck off i dont care about magic i want to talk about anything else for five seconds!! i'd give more direct examples but honestly i think i blocked out most of what he says and just go to the "uh huh, yeah, they did what now?" cyclical talking points

and im not gonna lie i'm getting pretty tired of it! i made fuckin vent art of me like a pull string doll just talking away! hanging on a lil back string. thats all im good for is an echo.

but i think the worst part about any of this is how GUILTY he makes me feel about it. im fr talking puppy dog eyes but i dont actually look at his face when he does it. he just makes the sound and lip thing you know the one. its gross tbh and it SUCKS because i skip my fucking break so he won't be so whiny about it. TO TALK ABOUT THE THINGS HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT

i hate it i really do. i know he's using me for therapy because he told me he wanted a female therapist. (also haven't talked about THAT either, i think we're only friends because i'm afab and a bit of a weirdo so that makes it like same league or something?? idk idc) he talks TOO much about sex and sexual activities to the point where regular conversations go back into lol i saw this anime... god i can't stand it i can tell im getting looks by the other people there because the room is too quiet i desperately need to leave this job.

he's also physical, mostly just by poking and prodding. he does hit me with a stack of papers as a joke but the jokes getting less funny. he's getting angry with how i respond. i know i can tell him to stop and he will but it'll just cycle back around to making me feel guilty that i should've told him sooner so he doesn't feel like an ass. like i guess yeah? but don't forget that you're the one that did this and i didn't feel safe telling you.

idk i just feel like as much as "good" friends we are he's desperate for attention and its really getting into my work. like i can tell when he looks at me and i hate it i hate having him just LOOK at me because and HE has told me that he had a dream of me naked. i hate it i hate it i want to burn off my skin it makes me feel so unbelievably small and worthless to be reduced to just my body and echos i hate this.

i really hate this and god forbid i tell ANYONE about it cause it comes on and off in passing and nothing will happen with it. i know i choose to sit in that fucking corner but what other option is there? because if i change if i so much as MOVE people will notice and they know we sit together and haha its so cute they're sitting NEXT to each other.

it honestly feels like i've been masking for three months and it only took the middle guy being fired to direct all this energy towards me and i hate it. i hate how i cant say no and can't talk about the things i like without feeling like a freak. i hate how he looks and straight up stares at me. i told him i can't look people in the eyes and talk at the same time and he took that as a challenge to stretch my comfort so thin that spider silk can't sew it shut.

thank god i still listen to music so i can at least focus on that (for the most part) but i can't even find respite in that because he keeps wanting that cyclical conversation that he knows i don't care about. i'm just playing the tape and hoping it wasn't a genuine question about my thoughts (it usually isn't)

So. I do not consider myself a radfem, TERF, or even gender critical. However, I have found myself reading more and more posts from radfem accounts and I'm kinda scared to say that they're starting to make more and more sense. I still support trans people, and most of the ones i've met are genuinely nice people that I wish all the best. However. I just dont buy into everything thats being said about including trans women who have not fully transitioned (aka no top/bottom surgery, hormones, etc) into women's bathrooms. I also feel ( no matter how hard I try to deny it) uncomfortable at the thought of letting trans women into lesbian bars, because its unfair of women to show forced attraction to literally the thing they came out as not being attracted to? Does that even make sense? Im confused, and worried, because most of my friends are very liberal an dsome are even trans/non binary/genderfluid, etc. and as much as I love all of them, Im starting to see things that they say or do that just dint make sense and seem suprisingly like something the media has brainwashed them into believeing and parroting. Idk what Im looking for- clarification? Reassurance? A horrible response so I can go back to hating/being against "TERFS"? Sorry for the long ask.

Hi anon! You totally make sense. I think a lot of us now-radfems had very similar experiences. I know I did. I'm no feminist scholar, but I do like to babble talk, so I'm going to give you my perspective on your points, then some resources that might help you sort things out. Though I am not going to touch on philosophical topics like postmodernism because frankly, I'm still trying to understand the details myself. First off, I know trans people whom I like very much. I used to ID as nonbinary and I still have friends from that time period who are pro-gender ideology. I don't think that individual trans people are evil, want to cause harm, or are intrinsically bad people. Personally, I approach the groups of trans people and Trans Rights Activists differently; the former are regular people who are doing their best to survive, like most of us. The latter are the ones pushing gender ideology into the public view and causing harm. There is considerable overlap, but this Venn diagram is not a perfect circle, so I'm being super-specific for clarity's sake. That said, some radfems genuinely do hate all trans people. I disagree with this, as you can see*. I take what I semi-jokingly call the JKR stance on trans people: many of them are good people. All of them deserve absolutely every human right that anyone else does, including respect, protection from violence, and medical care.

But there's a phrase that goes something like "Your rights end where they encroach on mine." That is my problem with gender ideology and the trans rights movement. Because proponents of gender ideology and trans rights are genuinely encroaching on women's rights. They are passing legislation to change the definitions of gender to be based on feelings and not on any material facts, suppressing not just the needs but the very existence of biological women.

Your mentions of lesbian bars and women's bathrooms are perfect examples—the eradication of female-only spaces in favor of ones inclusive of trans women (males). Women are being de-centered from womanhood—not just in feminism, or even in pop culture, but in the experience of being female and having female-specific needs.

So, why is this problematic? (PS: I don't know how much radical feminist theory you've read, so apologies if you're already familiar with these concepts.)

Female socialization begins at birth (or even before) and consists mainly of the stereotypes of femininity being enforced on us. This socialization is part of what creates the divide between the oppressed and the oppressor. This is true regardless of when a person transitions; they could be ten years old and still will have lived 10 years being treated as their biological sex. This is just true, regardless of what anyone says. There are countless studies on the topic, which I can link you if you want, and of course, our own lived experiences—females are treated differently (worse) than males, and it starts before girls can even consciously realize it.

So, females want our own spaces because we have different needs, for physical and social reasons, and those are being taken away. This isn't ~TERF hysteria~ but objectively true; males want into our space and society is being convinced to let them have it. In fact, I would argue that trans-identified males (trans women) are appropriating oppression for claiming discrimination when females assert boundaries for their female-only spaces. It is fundamentally unfair to expect women to drop their boundaries to be inclusive of males.

(oh god I wrote literal paragraphs on other material consequences of gender ideology...not posting them now but can share if you're interested)

You also mention that you've noticed your friends parroting ideas that don't make sense to you. You aren't imagining that or making things up. The words "groupthink" and "thoughtcrimes" get thrown around a lot, but I really do believe there is a massive suppression of critical thinking or even asking good-faith questions about gender ideology going on—you are socially punished for questioning it, and sometimes legally punished. So, many of your friends may be supporting TRAs out of fear. Some might feel powerful because of it and be happy where they are. Some might buy into gender ideology because it's easier than thinking critically about these concepts—I was like that for a long time. Gender ideology gave me nice, pat rationalizations about my own feelings, cushioned me from acknowledging the reality of misogyny, and provided a friend group based on the queer community. But it is fundamentally not true, and I decided I care more about truth than my own emotional comfort.

(That said, it did take me years to come to this conclusion, so I empathize very much with women who also take time.)

So what I'm trying to say here is that your concerns are valid. I encourage you very much to do your own research and form your own opinions on the topic of gender. Contrary to what some TRAs say, reading or watching radfem content is not going to brainwash you. For all I know, you'll think, "wow, this is bullshit." (I suspect not, but you never know.)

Regardless, learning about radical feminism will inform you, and you can take what you've learned and decide what to do with it. Please remember that you are a smart woman who doesn't need to adhere to the gospel of any community because they say so.

(And for what it's worth, I've found radical feminist communities to be much more open to differing opinions and debate than queer communities ever were.)

Here are some resources:

Material Girls: Why Reality Matters for Feminism - Kathleen Stock (I adore this book. She has a very measured take on the topic and concentrates on the impacts of gender ideology as a whole rather than on individual cases.)

JKR's infamous essay, if you haven't read it

Detransition: Beyond Before and After - Max Robinson (A tentative rec because I only just started reading it, but it's an account of a woman who underwent transition due to dysphoria, then detransitioned as she discovered radical feminism. Short summary of a complex book, but it might be worth reading.)

Good luck, anon! Please feel free to DM me or send me another ask if you'd like. I 1000% will never out anyone who contacts me.

NB: Can any of my followers contribue video resources anon might find helpful?

*I want to acknowledge that as a 30-something bi woman in a long-term het relationship who doesn't do much social media (or even interact with many people IRL), I haven't been exposed to the bigotry, hate, and occasional physical violence that, for example, an early-20s lesbian might have. I'm sympathetic to women who've experienced this and understand their anger.

God Relationships & Communication: It's okay to be "Headblind"

One Heart Many Gods by Lucy Valunos Series Post #2

To her credit she notes specifically that people will disagree with some things and that she simply wrote this as a book of suggestions for beginners. I want to talk about this issue anyways so I'm simply using her book as one example among dozens. Because it is a perfect example even if she preface's that the book is entirely her opinions. ... I guess due to that I have to preface this post with: its my opinions as a long time former eclectic polytheist, now a Sumerian Revive/Recon polytheist and Hellenic Revive polytheist; combined with historical precedent

Also as a disclaimer: I have literally no idea what she means by devotional polytheism / a devotional practice versus like..... all other forms of modern paganism/polytheism? She empathizes how her booklet is building a devotional practice and I don't see many differences between what she describes and what headblind (we'll get there) polytheists do. Including devotees.

Essentially the entire premise of the booklet is relationships with your gods and communication with your gods.

Specifically interpersonal relationships, because the reciprocal giving of offerings and receiving of blessings, which Lucy does make note of, can be seen as a relationship. For some people simply worshipping can be seen as a relationship even if they are "headblind". But neither of these two examples are what she is describing and she makes that clear in her book.

The idea she expresses, and what I see all over the internet, when it comes to having a "relationship with [insert God]" is always equated to human-human interpersonal relationships. This is further showcased by every analogy that comes up when discussing the topic as always "how you treat your friends and family."

Each part of the book circles back to it. If you want this for yourself thats fine, do what you want, love and worship the gods as you want; but having a human like interpersonal relationship with a God(s) should not be promoted as necessary or foundational. The number of times I have seen people despairing over not having a godphone, not getting signs, not seeing their Gods etc is heartbreaking.

🔹Headblind🔹

This is a word I learned recently, it basically means someone who doesn't have a Godphone. Doesn't receive signs, feelings, dreams, can't communicate, etc.

Let me make something clear:

Headblindness is 100% okay.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having a godphone. You never need anything akin to communication that so many pagans push for. Its not a requirement. Your religion can be just as fulfilling as anyone else's even if you're "headblind".

The fact that an entire new term was coined to describe the inability to communicate concretely with the Gods blows my damn mind.

Seriously, read this post (by @dameaya) its enormously insightful on this topic and since I'm not fully headblind myself it's better to hear an explanation from someone who is.

Comparing what I consider my "godphone", to this book and the enormous amount of posts I've been seeing that espouse the same principle, I'd say I'm probably 90% headblind. If not a tad more considering the frequency of the events is incredibly minuscule, I never initiate the communication, its never a back and forth, half the time I wonder if its the God at all— which usually doesn't make much of a difference anyways. Its almost always regarding their idols & items, beginning/ending their daily worship, and I think 3 times an offering. Very little beyond that, which seems to run counter to the whole relationship godphone descriptions people emphasize.

Seriously, most of godphone experiences I've had come from Hygeia and I'm neither devoted to her nor dedicated anything to her.... she just likes her idol a very specific way. Athena is probably second. Communication plays very little role in my practice and, if anything, there have been years where it was completely and utterly non-existent.

🔹Communication🔹

She says:

A critical component of a relationship isn’t just giving and receiving gifts, which is basically what offerings and blessings are. It is actually talking to each other.

I mean if "each other" means its back and forth or frequent "godphoning", I am missing THE critical component with basically every single God I worship. Including the two I'm devoted to and the three I've dedicated aspects of my life to. Its never frequent and its never a conversation.

How many people in religions that never "died" which have multiple Gods or a concept like it (e.g Hinduism or Shinto) have interpersonal relationships where they talk with the Gods? Keep in mind Hinduism has 1 billion adherents.

Do you think every ancient person had a discussion with their gods?

Did every bride-to-be needed a discussion and relationship with Artemis, Aphrodite, and Hera? All who play roles in the marriage process, and a girl/woman's life in general.

Did every Athenian need an interpersonal relationship with Athena and talk to her?

Did every Isin citizen need an interpersonal relationship with Ninisina and to talk to her?

How does this concept make any sense when you put it in that perspective? It frustrates me to no end because it is so ingrained in modern paganism that people developed a term for people who can't communicate or perceive signs from the gods.

Whats funny from a Hellenic polytheist standpoint what she says isn't the most critical component of the relationship actually is, Kharis (by @verdantlyviolet) the reciprocal giving of offerings and receiving of blessings.

How can you know what your Gods want if you never ask Them? How can you know what They want from you if you never listen? This is a step you shouldn’t skip, even if you choose to incorporate it at some other time or in some other way. There are as many ways to listen as there are Gods.

"How can you know?" Religious tradition. You don't need to have UPG in order to pray or give offerings— ever. You could spend decades worshipping the Gods without ever being told what the Gods want from you. You can learn what those Gods were given, how they were prayed to, etc. If the information is scant in a particular tradition or pantheon due to lack of historical records scraping up just enough info to know about the God is fine, you could also look at neighboring cultures' practices as they may relate.

Then give prayers and offerings in a way you think respects them—no communication needed, no divination, no UPG, no relationship, and you're doing just as good as any other polytheists. Feel free to skip the step, I do every time, I only ever "listen" when the Gods themselves decide to activate my "godphone." Then there is a whole boat load of discernment involved.

🔹Divination🔹

Learning at least one method of divination to the best of your ability is indispensable. If one method doesn’t appeal, try another."

Again, I point to both modern religions and ancient ones. Divination was a profession. Like being a merchant or doctor, the hundreds upon hundreds of people who worshipped these Gods didn't personally know divination.

Now you might be thinking "well we don't have that structure so we have to adapt to the modern day!" My point isn't that we should or shouldn't use divination to commune with the divine. My point is: its not necessary. It can be helpful and fun but no polytheist should ever feel the need to know any form of divination to be worshipping correctly.

I actually find it dangerous to suggest personal divination to new comers. Divination is a skill, as is discernment (by @helvetica12point) that new comers may not have. Thus shoving them head first into "use divination to learn what your Gods want" could be setting them up to feel like they've failed, enforce confirmation bias, or simply become frustrated.

Unless you walked into this path knowing a divination technique already, divination shouldn't be on the list of "Things You Should Start With." It'd be like using the diving board on your first day at swim class.

🔹Interpersonal Deity Relationship Requirement🔹

I say requirement because every pagan/polytheist 101 book or blog post truly emphasizes this as a requirement. As do so many tumblr asks.

...devotion in practice is not simply saying a prayer or lighting a stick of incense. Those are the means, not the end. The end of devotion is connection with the Divine.

and saying a prayer and lighting a stick of incense isn't a connection to the divine because.........?

I fail to see how it isn't.

Ereškigal devotee here. Can confirm: saying prayers (including requests), lighting a stick of incense, and giving her some water is, indeed, a connection to the divine. The only difference in my specific practice is that prayer and that offering are solely to her and Namtar. Yes, it actually is that simple.

But when we zoom in a little past those major points in the Wheel of the Year, however it is observed in your tradition, there becomes a bit of a tangle for the typical Polytheist. We are Polytheists because we have many Gods. How can we possibly honor Them all on a daily basis, particularly if They all prefer different offerings? The answer is, we can’t. At least, not in more than a very general way. Even Gods in the same Pantheon are different and distinct from Each Other, with different preferences.

Their is no precedent to say "they all prefer different offerings".

That's completely absurd. Especially when you add "even in the same pantheon." Do God's have specific offerings they may like? Yes. There may be certain foods or drinks that were given to certain Gods within specific cultus but that would vary from location to location and hinged on what luxury items the people of that location had available to them not the Gods "personal preferences." Ereškigal may enjoy chocolate in my UPG, but guess what the Ancient Mesopotamians didn't have: chocolate.

How much variety did ancient people have in their diet compared to us?

Make sure to minus global food imports. Minus the all-year-round accessibility of most food today. Take into account the amount of, lack of, and location of trade routes. Make sure to remember what the average ancient worshipper could financially obtain and offer to the Gods.

When you start to take all that reality of the ancient world into account, even for the cultures where we have little writings, the variety of food they could offer vs what we can offer is vastly different. Remember, we aren't temples who are being funded by tax systems and empires able to demand the absolute best for the Gods. The logical conclusion is that (non-empire-funded-temples) people gave what they had available to them.

The idea that every single God has different personal preferences and you should stick to those preferences individually is entirely UPG. Which is fine.

But implying that we cannot worship a multitude of Gods at once, because they all prefer different offerings, is not fine. Its simply false and misleading.

I know there are new comers who feel they can't worship [insert Gods] because they don't know the specific offerings yet. Which is heartbreaking.

As for every God having different preferences: want an offering they can all enjoy? Water. Depending on the pantheon there may also be a variety of offerings across the board. Wine for Hellenic or beer for Sumerian. Maybe just a bit of bread for essentially any pantheon that had an agricultural society— including those with scant historical record simply by deduction.

Hellenic pantheon offerings (by @verdantlyviolet)

Mesopotamian pantheon offerings

If you can barely do anything in life water is perfect

Since the whole point is regular devotion and allowing our spirituality to enrich our daily lives rather than just the “holy days,” how are we to balance this? One possible solution is to honor a specific Deity each day of the week, using either personal or traditional associations to choose the day (or if all else fails, divination!) You could also opt to simply dedicate one day a month (preferably the same day each month if possible, such as the third Thursday or the first Sunday of each month) to honoring a particular Deity.

In my own practice, I am dedicated to a particular Deity, and He receives my daily acts of devotion, as well as one day a week where I seek to specially honor Him. Two other Deities who I am also more closely involved with are also honored each week, each on Their own appointed day. A couple more are honored once a month, and still Others only once or twice a year, on holy days that correspond with Them. For me right now, this keeps my practice to a reasonable time commitment and gives me adequate time to prepare offerings, etc. for each Deity without becoming overwhelmed.

The idea that offerings and time have to be given to each God individually is a manifestation of the interpersonal relationship requirement. Due to the individuality and emphasis on "quality time", like a friend, means you have to limit the number of Gods and parcel out your time among them. In this case, you should pick 1 day of the week or 1 day of the month to honor them; limiting the amount of Gods so as to not get overwhelmed.

Here is my hypothetical: If I have an interpersonal relationship with Hera, spend time with her at her shrine, meditating, communicate daily (pretending I could do that which I most certainly can't), offer her specific things she likes that I know of via UPG, give daily prayers specifically to her, the relationship Lucy explains, then that is a devotional practice. So unless I can do everything, or at least half the things, I listed for Hera with every other deity that I want to honor its only honoring them "in a very general way."? I suppose that makes sense since she very clearly explains what she means by devotion is quality time spent together and talking. [I should note she does write a section about chronic illnesses and that we can't always do things as planned etc so she did take that into account]

So I'd do this with Hera daily, but Zeus on Mondays, and Apollo of Wednesdays and Nanaya every 7th of the month and and and ...... that makes it way more complicated than it needs to be. Complicated enough that she constantly warns the reader about how this can become overwhelming. And shes right, having an interpersonal relationship with all the Gods you want to honor would be enormously overwhelming.

I would suggest starting with one or two Deities with Whom you are already relatively close or with Whom you wish to be closer, and focusing on Them to begin with. You can add in Others once you've found your feet! I say this again because it can’t be stressed enough: please resist the temptation to do everything at once and honor Everyone at once.

While you shouldn't do everything at once please find me a historical prayer that only mentions one God— like not even saying "son of Zeus," because that would make it two gods. I have a feeling those prayers are rare and for good reason: polytheism, the Gods are naturally interlaced.

You don't need an interpersonal relationship with the Gods, unless you want one. Even if you have an interpersonal relationship with 1 God doesn't mean you can't still honor 10 or more on a daily basis. Totally possible. Want to have interpersonal relationships with more than a few (as she mentioned)? Probably not possible.

Let me ask again: how is "simply saying a prayer or lighting a stick of incense" not worthy of being called devotion? I mean you probably want to combine the two not just one or the other, and add some water. But prayer, request, offering ...... is great, thats what you need. And it doesn't have to be one deity per prayer or per offering. Meaning you don't need to set up a schedule like the above in order to honor more Gods (you can set up a schedule for your own enjoyment and organization but its not required for the sake of the number of Gods).

Like give me a reason that simple act is not devotion, as she claimed.

Yes, there are libation days for various Gods in Hellenic tradition..... but those days aren't necessarily set aside to do everything I did in my hypothetical-Hera relationship. Yes, I've said that you should be giving your "all" to the Diĝirene but that consists of those 2-3 things just at varying sizes and elaborateness depending on your own life circumstances; an important difference is it can include a dozen Gods if you so desire.

As a side note: I'm not including things like becoming the best version of yourself, following the order, etc. I'm specifically focusing on worship, relationships, and communication with the Gods.

We won’t have the same relationship with any two Gods, just as we don’t have the same friendship with any two humans, and as time goes on and our relationships grow, we will naturally become closer to Some than we do with Others.

Ding ding ding I found a human-human analogy!!! Its in a few other places I noticed.

Let me examine my own worship practice based on the way Lucy, and many others, describe God interpersonal relationships and communication that is so heavily emphasized in the pagan/polytheist sphere:

Do I have an interpersonal relationship with Hestia? No. Do I still worship her? Yes, for 8 years.

Do I have an interpersonal relationship with Hypnos? No. Am I still going to pray for sleep during a bad night? Yes.

Have I experienced signs from An? No. Am I still going to honor and recognize him? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Have I ever had any godphone like experiences with Ĝeštinana? Nope. Been worshipping her for 4 years.

Did I ever receive a sign from Hermes, Hekate, and Apollo Argyieus? No. Am I going to honor them, pray to them, and offer to them as household Gods? Yes.

What about Ares and Ninĝirsu do I have interpersonal relationships with them? Nope. Have I dedicated my career to them? Yes.

Do I have an enormously deep connection to The Sun? Yes. Do I have a interpersonal relationship with them? No.

I have what can be described as an interpersonal relationship based on the book (or rather, as close as I can get to whats described in the book; minus the godphone) with maybe three Gods total. Yet, I currently have 8 on my daily altar, 15 if you include the ones on the prayer beads. My breakfast was dedicated to 12 named as well as "The Great Diĝirene and Theoi"

I have never had a communication line with any of them only them hitting me over the head with a feeling, dream, or emotion on occasion. I don't use divination to communicate with the Gods because I'm not skilled enough to trust it, nor do I want to. When I divine something I think its a spiritual tool, reading in to whatever can be called "fate," or "possible fate." Not a telephone to the Gods; and I rarely if ever take my conclusions on the reading as a message specifically from the Gods. I'd rather just worship and leave my requests in the hands of faith. I've been worshipping for 10 years. Neither interpersonal relationship nor continual communication have ever been necessary.

If you want your polytheist practice to revolve around a few specific deities by developing individual interpersonal relationships that is perfectly fine! My issue is that ever Pagan 101 / Polytheist Beginner info brings this up. That relationships and communication with the Gods have become essentially bedrocks of modern paganism.

🔹Honoring Many Gods🔹

There are plenty of ways to honor and give thanks to a variety of Gods on the daily.

She is right there is no way to worship every God in existence. But its clear from context she means a high amount, above like 3, in a single sitting.

Here are some thoughts off the top of my head:

If you have an altar with many Gods invoke each of their names before pouring out a joint libation or giving a joint offering. Like I said mine currently has 8. And can end up with many more.

My Sumerian Meal-As-Offering prayer honors 6 Gods.

"[Say a Gods name, list one of the qualities you like about them, rinse repeat for however many Gods you want to honor] I bring this fruit and water as an offering to you. I seek your help for the rough day I have ahead of me tomorrow. Thank you." However many Gods you want

"To the Ouranic Theoi on high please accept this libation as my show of gratitude" Dozens of Gods.

"Great Diĝirene sweet is your praise" Few thousand Gods.

"Mighty Olympians, awe fulfilling, — Hestia, Zeus, Hermes, Aphrodite, Ares, Hephestos, Hera, Artemis, Apollo, Poseidon, Demeter, [Dionysos]— I say hail to you. Please be with me today as I [insert task]" 12/13 Gods.

"May the Annunaki of Heaven, upon their thrones, possessing mighty power, give me strength for this task. I shall praise you always" around 100 Gods.

"All the Theoi" "All the Diĝirene" "All the 'iluma" recognition of all in your specific pantheon.

Of course the rebuttal is that she said this "How can we possibly honor Them all on a daily basis [? ...] we can’t [...] At least, not in more than a very general way."

My point is, the "very general way" is more than enough to be a devout polytheist. A devotional one even.

A single offering or libation can be given to many many Gods. Prayers can include many many Gods. The idea that each has such specific preferences that you need to give individual specific offerings has no basis outside of Cult Centers. Again just give some water. Sure you aren't specifically building a relationship with all of them, but thats not necessary for offerings, blessings, requests, worship, ....being a polytheist.

🔹Final Thoughts🔹

God relationships & God communication should be opt-in aspects of polytheism/paganism. Not opt-out. And when the two are presented as fundamental I have a serious problem with it. In our current community and beginner guides forget opt-in / opt-out, the whole "option" part of it is abandoned.

In closing: Worship the Gods even if you never feel them. Have faith in the Gods even if you never get a sign. Trust the Gods even if you don't know divination. Become a better person even if the Gods don't ring you up to tell you exactly what to do. Do things in the name of your Gods without them giving specific guidance.

If you want an interpersonal relationship with the Gods that's cool too. Just stop pushing it as foundational.

-🔷🔷🔷-

One Heart Many Gods Book Series

Post #1 - Is Polytheism Really That Tough? | Author & Book Info

Thats it for this book, I had other post ideas for the series but honestly they wouldn't be particularly enjoyable to write and these two posts got across my major talking points in regards to the book. So yeh....first Book Series done 😅

I am indigenous. It is Canada Day. I will not be celebrating. You shouldn't either.

They took my gran from her family, young. They tried to take them as young as possible so that they wouldn't remember home. People tried to hide their kids- but they were murdered for it by the Indian agents. They would burn down houses they suspected had children hidden inside. They took my gran, beat her until she spoke English, abused her for years, and then when she was a teenager and had assimilated efficiently they sent her "home". Except, those kids never really could go home. They didn't speak the language. They hadn't seen their parents in years. Some of them didn't know where home was anymore. They didn't share the culture anymore. They were made to believe that their very blood was tainted. Dirty. They were told they were savages- a word thats casually used today like its no big deal. So like most of the kids who managed to survive the starvation, beatings and sexual abuse - my gran went to the city to try to live the life of a white woman. But no amount of beating and brainwashing would make her less brown. She wanted to shed herself of being an ///Indian. At the time, the easiest way to shed her legal status and be seen as a person and citizen, was to marry a white man. So that's what she did. She bore his children. She didn't tell them their history, and hoped they would pass as white. She didn't know how to care for them, the only thing close to a parent she could remember were the nuns and priests who abused her. Abuse is a cycle. She never had a chance to raise her children in a healthy way, because she wasn't healthy. One night when my father was a teenager, she just left. She couldn't do it anymore. I dont know what she was looking for but I hope she found it.

My father, who hated his mother for the ways she had been broken and in turn broke him, became the first generation removed from residential school, but still effected by it. He moved far away from his ancestral lands. He turned to drugs to cope with his serious mental illness, including PTSD. He got my white mother pregnant when they were teenagers- and after less than a year of trying to raise a child with no living example of how to do that right, he left us. He's spent his whole life floating around trying to find home again. He probably never will.

I was raised without my culture, without our stories, without our language. Residential school worked on my family. I also grew up with mental illness. Parental abuse and neglect. I also turned to drugs. I was expelled from high-school. I was even homeless for awhile. Luckilly, I was found by a school for indigenous kids - run out of our local friendship center, by indigenous people. There was only 24 students. They taught us about our culture. Made sure we had food. We had lunch every day with elders from our comunities who told us stories from our ancestors that would have died with them otherwise. I clawed my way back into the culture that was stolen from me. I learned to make drums. I learned which herbs to make into tea to help my cramps. I felt care, and community - for the first time. I found home again. A school for indigenous children run by white folks ruined my family - and coming full circle, it was a school for indigenous children run by indigenous people who put me back together again.

In 2008, when I was 18, I sat in a room with dozens of survivors as they listened to then primeinister Steven Harper - apologize to survivors of residential schools. I cried with them. I listened to the stories they told. I remember them talking about the mass graves, ans how meaningless the apology was, when we still had stolen children who hadn't come home yet.

Not just the bones and bodies buried at the schools - but every child whose sense of home had been stolen. Every child forced into fostercare. Every child that should have been raised traditionally but whose parents couldn't remember how. Every queer child whose parents cast them out due to the religion of our abusers. Every "adopted" child of the 60's scoop. Every woman and man who wanted children but who were forcibly sterilized by the governments eugenics program. Every missing and murdered indigenous woman. Every mixed child whose parents were afraid to let them be indigenous in a country where that is inherently dangerous.

We'll start with the bones, so that the spirits of those lost children can find peace at home with their people. But I will not celebrate 'Canada Day' again, until every stolen child is returned home. This land is OUR home, and we deserve to feel at home on it. I ended up graduating with honors, and a three month old baby boy who I have raised with as much culture as I could claw back. He's 11 now. I homeschool him. We smudge together, grow herbs, and play our drums - and he knows that home will always be right next to me, and no one can take that from him. It took my family over 60 years to get home again, after residential school. And we're the lucky ones.

Don't celebrate Canada Day, until every child they stole, is home again. We shouldn't rest, until they can.

____

This is all I'd like to say on the matter. Please don't request additional emotional labor from me.

Newtmas essay when?

Finally getting to this, thanks for waiting, I needed to go over a few bookmarks. (Warning, this post contains spoilers from the MAZE RUNNER book and FEVER CODE book, so if you haven’t read either or yet and want the jist of my analysis; just know that in general the fandom interpreting Newt as gay before it was revealed on a twitter post was not just a random headcanon and that Thomas in general is portrayed to have very strong unconditional love for Newt throughout the series; and it shows. To the point that even the director for the movie has stated that Newt and Thomas have a strong bond and portrays that in the movies. I will also preface that I am NOT adding personal opinion anywhere here, these are just backings from quotes and how they are thus meant to be taken/read as. My words are taken as a reader who is currently reading Scorch Trials has yet to fully read Death Cure or Crank Palace.) Anways, without further ado at 3AM today, I’ll try my best to explain how even though Dashner tries his best to make Thomas have other, female love interests; he creates a not so subtle gay subtext for Tommy boy here when in the context of interacting with Newt throughout the lore. Apologies beforehand for any grammar mistakes along the way.

To commence, I am going to start with FEVER CODE, as its supposed to act as the story’s preface to the actual events that play out later. Newt and Thomas upon meeting each other describe their presence as “familiar” and or as a “long lost friend” and they genuinely hit it off from the start to the point that Newt is okay with having Thomas see him cry over the fact that he and his sister are separated since he is doomed to be WCKD’s control analysis as he’s the only one lacking immunity from the flare itself. Once Newt is done being emotionally vulnerable we get our first instance of his personal nickname for Thomas: “That’s the way things are Tommy,’ he said his voice not quite steady. ‘The world outside’s gone to hell. Why should we expect any different here? [...] He said it as if they’d been friends for years” (ch. 14).   An interesting note here is that Thomas doesn’t bother to correct him or stifle the moment by feeling that all this information was too much, he genuinely wanted to hear Newt out and is fine with seeing this side of him; if not slightly taken aback by how natural it is that they can converse about such aspects of their lives. In fact, Newt makes such an impact on Thomas that Thomas ends up that same night dreaming of him: “Throughout his shortened night, he dreamed of Newt and Sonya. Of Newt and Lizzy“(Ch. 14). The thing with Thomas though is that the idea of comfort and connection is very foreign to him as he’s been basically isolated all his life with only the adults like Ava to talk to and the one exception being Teresa as his only kid companion. So Thomas didn’t even think he could make others like him for being himself unless they were vital to the overall production of WCKD. Seeing this portion right before the end of chapter 14: “Alby, Minho, Newt, Teresa. Thomas had friends.” shows that Thomas really had to deep dive to see how he deals with personal connections and why he was excited about the notion of friendship. He could’ve been happy with just Teresa, but only fully cemented her bond to him as “friend” when his circle grew and these kids he got to hang with taught him he can be himself, a concept he didn’t realize was possible when all his life was dictated on what he was supposed to learn or do. It becomes especially clear just how controlled his life is with the aspect of sentiment when later on Teresa’s mental communication evokes physcial pain and fear in Thomas. I’ll get back to that later as its more of a small tid bit of Thomas’ view on his forced love interest, Teresa. And yes, I say forced because multiple sentences with Thomas have him even wish he could cease all communication with her. Moving on, let’s talk about mimicking for a second. As humans, we mimic as a behavioral response to become closer to the person we care about. It’s the reason why yawning or laughter is contagious and or why we copy the posture of the person we converse with face to face. Thomas is seen to do this the most with Newt’s quirks. I’ll give the example in chapter 15: “Newt has been promising them that he was saving something special, and he did that annoying zipped-lipped sign every time [...] the little light in his eyes showed he enjoyed every second of their torture” versus Thomas: “Thomas did Newt’s zipped-lipped gesture, and that got him a sharp poke in the ribs”. So, we know enough that Thomas’ mannerisms are developing as a sign that he wants to be closer to Newt and to continue this sense of playfulness they both enjoy from the other. This is the start of their budding bond and a clear indication that they hold each other at greater fondness than the rest through this unconscious copying. Through this copying, they also pick up on emotional cues the other lets up on. Newt is especially good at noticing small things like when Thomas is anxious or overthinking: “He was just shocked that with all their exploring, the others hadn’t already discovered it on their own. And there were supposed to be TWO mazes. How had Newt and his friends not stumbled upon either one of them? ‘Tommy?’ Thomas realized Newt was staring straight at him, eyebrows raised. ‘Sorry,’ he said embarrassed, ‘wandered off for a second there what did you say?’ Newt shook his head in admonishment. ‘Try to keep up, Tommy Are you ready to see the grat outdoors?” (ch. 15). Also in chapter 23: “Tommy?’ It was Newt, breaking him out of his thoughts. ‘I can see your wheels spinnin’ up there.’ He tapped the side of his head”. This furthers Newts perceptiveness on his friend and Thomas’ ability to pick out when he is being looked after. And they bounce off each other really well in that aspect. To the point that Newt can crack a joke he knows will land right on Thomas’ sense of humor: “Newt waggled his fingers in front of Thomas’ face [...] A laugh exploded out of Thomas’ mouth that sent a spray everywhere. ‘Sorry’ he said, wiping his lips on his sleeve” (ch.15). It’s enjoyable to know that at least at a surface level, they have fun together and can cheer the other up if needed or know when to ground the other to reality. It is also through these instances that as a reader I pick up that Thomas’ nervous ticks perhaps allude to an anxiety disorder he has; of which Newt is aware of and never puts Thomas down on for exhibiting. He in fact understands it and deals with it accordingly as he himself has a similar circumstance. SO, what does all this paying attention lead to? Thomas’ devotion to protect Newt. Yeah, thats right I said devotion. Thomas’ actions are influenced by his developed instinct to protect Newt at all costs. Here is the biggest example that comes to mind: “What in the world happened to Newt? -- Less then two hours later, Thomas had spliced together a series of camera clips [...] Thomas turned off the feed. He couldn’t take it anymore...Newt, Newt, Newt, Thomas thought, feeling as if the very air around him were turning black.”(ch.52). Essentially, Thomas seeing Newt plummet to his near death by falling from the maze wall as a result of Newt’s ongoing depressive state, this is the moment that makes Thomas realize WICKD isn’t as good as they seem and that he is going into the maze to save Newt. Its admirable how much self sacrifice Thomas does for someone he cares so much about, to the point that their name is like a mantra. Thats a sensible area of passion and fighting spirit for someone who is “just a friend”.    Oh and, the feeling of fondness is mutual mind you if I haven’t been clear. After experiencing the horrors of cranks for the first time, realizing Newt was not immune, and watching Newt until they entered the pits it has been months since they last interacted; this is their first reunion: “What’s up Tommy?’ Newt exclaimed, his face filled with genuine happiness at the pleasant surprise that’s been sprung on him. Thomas couldn’t remember exactly how long it’d been since he’d seen Newt. ‘You look bloody fantastic for three in the morning” (ch. 23). I need to preface this that Newt DOES NOT mean that sarcastically and that out of all the people in the room (Minho, Chuck and Teresa are there in this scene), Thomas only reacts this way specifically toward seeing Newt is okay and back.   The characters are also not afraid of being physically close. “Well, look who the bloody copper dragged in,’ Newt said, pulling Thomas into a big hug” (ch.31), “They shook hands, and then the two of them set off...” (ch. 31), and my favorite: “Thomas jumped at the sound, then stumbled. Newt tripped over him, and then they were both laughing, legs and arms tangled in a pile on the ground”(ch.32). I don’t think this far in the novel, Thomas has been AS (emphasis on as) comfortable with touch  with anyone else other than Newt. And thats a big step forward on the aspect of trust in a relationship, being able to be comfortable with the presence of another person enough to be as intimate with them as shown here.  And all this, is just fever code itself. Mind you this is not the MEAT of the novels as it came out later. But even without it, lets look at Thomas in Maze now, I’ll try to keep this segment a lot more brief. Here’s Thomas looking respectively at boys his age: “A tall kid with blond hair and a square jaw...a thick, heavy muscled Asian kid folded his arms as he studied Thomas, his tight shirtsleeves rolled up to show off his biceps [...] Newt was taller than Alby too, but looked to be a year or so younger, His hair was blond and cut long, cascading over his T-shirt. Veins stuck out of his muscled arms”(ch. 2). Thomas’ initial reaction to being surrounded by boys is to deeply analyze their rugged good looks and heavily emphasize their best physical traits. When reading this the first time, my mind immediately thought this boy at the very least is supposed to be portrayed as bi, especially when later down the line Teresa gets a similar descriptor: “...despite her paleness, she was really pretty...silky hair, flawless skin, perfect lips, long legs.” So right off the bat, we know that be it boy or girl, Thomas emphasizes how attractive someone looks in his eyes when he truly does have a sense of attraction to them. Case closed. Within the same chapter we get Thomas also immediately clinging onto Newt for a sense of grounding, it is now ingrained in him at this point that the boy is his lifeline, a person to rely on. “Thomas looked over at Newt, hoping for help.” And help he does, Newt in this chapter helps ease his worries, explain a general idea of what the glade is and even pats him on the shoulder a bit to ease tension. And Thomas doesn’t bat an eye in the same way he’s weary of literally everyone else. In fact, he’s eager to stay put with him as shown with; “If Newt went up there, then I wanna talk to him.” And if none of that seals the deal, we got early bird Newt being so touch starved he flattens himself next to Thomas to wake him up at the crack of Dawn in chapter 6: “Someone shook Thomas awake. His eyes snapped open to see a too-close face staring down at him, everything around them still shadowed by the darkness of early morning...’Shh, Greenie. Don’t wanna be waking up Chuckie, now, do we?’ It was Newt --the guy who seemed second in command; the air reeked of his morning breath. Though Thomas was surprised, any alarm melted away immediately”. This whole scene follows firstly by Thomas once again impressed by how strong Newt is and then Newt giving him a rundown of what everyone else was too afraid to show Thomas, the grievers. And you know, this scene could’ve ended well and everything as totally platonic, but then we have “Newt turned to look at him dead in the eye. The first traces of dawn had crept up on them, and Thomas could see EVERY DETAIL OF NEWT’S FACE, HIS SKIN TIGHT, HIS BROW CREASED.” Now, look me in the eye and tell me there is a hetero explanation on looking at your best bro like they are the sun reincarnated themselves. But let’s not hog all the homosexual undertones with Thomas here. Wanna know what Newt’s initial reaction to having a girl in the glade was? “It’s a girl,’ he said [...] Newt shushed them again. ‘That’s not bloody half of it,’ he said, then pointed down into the box. ‘I think she’s dead” (ch.8). It’s actually a stark contrast to the other gladers eagerly wanting to know her age, how pretty she looked, and calling dibs to date her; Newt isn’t interested in any of that, he’s more perplexed on her status and not even bothering to remark on her looks, he was the only one not to and even remarks a few other instances that girls are more Thomas’ domain. For instance, he makes a joke in fever code when Thomas remarks that the girls in the institution were going to tackle him down, Newt proceeds to point out sarcastically something along the lines of “wait, isn’t that YOUR dream though?” So Newt is pretty out spoken of his disinterest in girls, and his full admiration and attention on Thomas. Oh, and yes, Newt immediately switches over to “Tommy” the moment Thomas mentions he hates being called greenie, and once again it just becomes a thing between only the two of them. Newt is also the one to be straight forward about the whole Runners business. He warns Thomas about the dangers and doesn’t necessarily turn him down on his desire to be one, he in fact encouraged him to just wait until the right moment. “No one said you couldn’t, but give it a rest for now”(ch. 15). So once again, Newt is the voice of confidence and reason for Thomas to prosper. In turn, this time around Thomas is the one to catch when something is bothering Newt. For instance, “Newt chewed his fingernails, something he hadn’t seen the older boy do before...he was genuinely concerned -- Newt was one of the few people in the Glade he actually liked ”(ch.16). Interesting how we went from fever code “friend” to “like”. And also, when Newt explains his concern about the runners not coming back yet, Thomas pieces together how scared Newt is of the Maze without being told and goes to stand next to him as a physical presence to ground Newt as they wait near the entrance. In fact, this piece is trivial to understand why Thomas does what he does next. When everyone else had given up on the Runners still outside with 2 minutes left til closing, and Newt was escorted away from the entrance, Thomas waited. And when Thomas saw them, he yells to Newt, realizes he’s too far to do anything, and makes a decision himself. He KNEW how much Newt cared about his fellow Gladers, they were like family or “kin” as its said in the book, so what does he do? “Don’t do it Tommy! Don’t you bloody do it!’ ... Thomas knew he had no choice. He moved. Forward. He squeezed past the connecting rods at the last second and stepped into the maze”(ch.16). Yes, Thomas does this because of his empathy for the Gladers, but the chain reaction of Newt’s concern is what sets his decision in stone. And yet again, Thomas enters the maze for Newt.  And that’s pretty much the constant for the rest of Maze Runner the book, Newt just sticking up for Thomas and Thomas in turn just being happy that: “He was at least relieved that Newt was there” (ch.17). And thats basically their entire dynamic. Newt just going: “If you really did help design the maze Tommy, it’s not your fault. You‘re a kid -- you can’t help what they forced you to do” to ease the survivor’s trauma Thomas has, as well as saying “I actually believe you. You just don’t have an ounce of lying in those eyes of yours. And I can’t bloody believe I’m about to say this...but I’m going back in there to convince those shanks we should go through the griever hole, just like you said”(ch.51); and I think thats the most romantic thing to hear from him. Just right out being all for supporting Thomas no matter what happens as long as he stays alive and continues to fight, he doesn’t care about what happened before. And Thomas eats that up because it fuels him even more to seek out a means to escape for the people (Newt) that deserve a life outside of running from monsters forever. So essentially, I’ll state again, it’s always been Newt the catalyst for Thomas to run head first into the Maze and seek freedom. And with all this I can clear that these two are shown to if not be romantically involved, at least have unconditional love for the other that transcends the author’s original intention.  And with that in mind, here’s the thing with Teresa as a love interest. I can list here quotes of every time she mind speaks to Thomas and how that affects him, but then this would be too long. And this is a newtmas post gosh darn it. Teresa is gleeful to humiliate, control, hurt, and force Thomas to believe they’re in love. In multiple instances we get her barging into his mind unwarranted making him understand that she has full access to his inner most thoughts. Theres nothing romantic about that, and I think its why Thomas ends up being so perceptive to the smallest of gestures that allow him to think on his own and feel like his own person. Something I’ve seen Brenda do later in scorch, and something I’ve seen Newt do since the very beginning is that they allow Thomas to come to his own conclusions in order to create his own opinions on the matters at hand. Thomas’ love language revolves around words of affirmation. He likes it when people confirm his thoughts are valid and that remind him that WICKD can’t hurt him anymore now that he has the power to be his own person. This is where Newt comes in very handy. He allows Thomas to grow in ways his female love interests have yet to show, sorry Brenda but I’ve heard you were trying to unite all immunes together to the safe haven by the end and in a sense still only using Thomas to get by; I still think she was the better call than teresa of course and I have no remorse for Teresa getting smushed by a boulder. But essentially my point here is that, how do you fail to make your initial love interests clash so badly where one has no real care about the others well being so long as everything goes according to WCKD by using a form of gaslighting and manipulation? AND THOMAS HAS STATED HIS DISCOMFORT ON THIS MULTIPLE TIMES, but the narrative always erases these instances from his mind in place of pity for Teresa’s well being (as you can tell, Teresa through this becomes my least favorite character, I can rant about her some othe time though with proper backing). The narrative in turn treats it all like a joke. I understand there are scenes where Thomas is worried about her and looks out to make sure shes ok, but even then he doesn’t know how to react with mental images of her kissing his cheek or when she screams the next minute that she doesn’t know who he is or how hes speaking into her mind. And thats because they can’t properly communicate their emotions to the other, not even in fever code could Thomas give a forward answer if he loved Teresa or not, she just assumed. Come to think of it, Thomas really doesn’t show much affection to Teresa of his own accord. So then, how DOES Thomas show his affection? Thomas provides acts of service as his love language, if he cares about you enough he will risk his life for you. Why? Because Thomas values putting the people he loves foremost knowing full well they are what help him have purpose and succeed in continuing on. In a way, Newt and Thomas’ dynamic works in this instance because they balance the other out and because they have seen each other at their worst and at their best. In a way, that's why knowing the ending of the books makes it harder to accept that Thomas would just easily take the shot...when all his life clung to Newt’s survival. But that’s a story for another time where I compare the movies (of which let me make that clear, yes I prefer) over the books. For now just know that the book may have done this by accident, maybe not, but at the end of the day theres solid proof that Thomas and Newt care about each other in a way that is separately portrayed from their connection to the other glade members, and have this consistency of soft moments running through the entirety of the series. In conclusion; newtmas. Newtmas. NEWTMAS, etc.

Why I think Feysand were OOC in ACOSF

I hope that no one misunderstands from the title but let me say this is a 100% PROfeysand post. so if you hated feysand even before acosf, then this post isn't for you.

So i've seen a lot of interesting theories about feysand's and in particular rhys' behaviour and choices throughout acosf. and while alot of them seemed possible and may have been the case canonically speaking, even as a feysand stan i just couldn't seem to wrap my head around some of the things they said and did in the book. they just both seem OOC, its the only pausible explanation for me.

To understand why feysand were OOC in the book we have to look at this through a narrative perspective. as in we have to ask why would the author write the character/s in this way?

a quick overview of what a character arc is

so there can be a lot of variations of a character arc in a story but the basics is as follows (how does the character go from point 'a' to point 'b'):

the 'big lie' - the views/beliefs/actions the character has at the start which will be challenged throughout the story (this is point 'a')

the 'incident' - a plot point in which starts development of the character. something that spurs the character into action, this most ofter happens when they are placed in an unfamiliar situation. this usuallyy is the intial challenge to their 'big lie'. at this point the story will move forward and theres no going back.

the midpoint - the character changes conciously or subconciously, they start to recognise their own flaws in the 'big lie'.

world collaspes - this is usually on the heels of a victory, the character reaches the lowest point in their journey. they finally confront 'the big lie' and forces to stop this deception they inflict on themselves. they can destroy it or it will destroy them.

the climax - the reason for the story. the reason why the character had to take this journey in order to get to this moment. the moment that the character will decide once and for all whether they will go forward to point 'b' or regress back to point 'a'

the resolution - the character reaches point 'b'. their view/beliefs/actions have changed, they no longer believe in the 'big lie'.

So obvisouly the main character in acosf is Nesta. What sjm does in her books is that every plot point and development of secondary characters is in service to the arc of the main character. None of the character's outside of Nesta have their own development. Not even Cassian, any sort of changes or developments he undergoes is in service to Nesta (a complete missed opportunity for Cassian but that a whole other point). And before anyone tries to say otherwise, you can have development for characters even if they are secondary ones (and for a book that is 800+ pages long it is definitely possible). An example is with his can also be seen with Gwyn. Her leaving the library for the first time was a huge moment for the character, but she did so, in order to comfort Nesta after her big fight with Cassian. It was also so that Nesta, Gwyn and Emerie could all be together in Illyria so they could be kidnapped and forced to enter the blood rite (where the final showdown occurs with Nesta and the villan).

so what has this got to do with feysand and why are they OOC?

In fact the entire plot with feyre's pregnancy was made to give chracter developments for Nesta. There was nothing written in the book that suggested any developments for feyre and rhys. it did nothing for them. Nesta needed to become central to the story and the only way sjm thought to keep feyre side lined was to make her pregrnant. It was also just lazy writing and world building bc there is no way that rhys would have though of this when he and feyre were trying for a baby.

SIN #1 The Shields

Rhys practicing shields (shield thats doesn't even allow anyone to even touch her) on feyre, which she just allows. the book explains because of the fact that there is more danger to her now that she's pregnant. Narratively, this would make sense if there is a payoff. Like later in the story if feyre was in physical danger and the shield saves her or if the shield became a detriment to her in some way. But no nothing like this happens. Rhys 'practices' the shield on her and thats it. Rhys, who was the same person that trusted feyre enough defend herself against the weaver. It was totally out of character that he would shield her to the point that Cassian can't even kiss her on the cheek (sounds familiar huh). and the same goes for feyre, who has no problem with this (*cough* tamlin locking her up *cough*). Thats is some OOC behaviour.

So what were the point of the shields? well since sjm made it canon that fae can smell when a female is pregnant, the biggest way they came into play was in the scene when rhys lifted it long enough so that everyone could sense that that feyre was pregnant. And It could have been just that, feyre and rhys were expecting a baby, and Nesta can go along with her development, they did not need to intersect. But it did, and we'll come back to that later. This scene is a lighthearted moment in the book, one of the rare few where all the characters are happy and celebrating a good thing. acofas we knew that rhys and feyre decided to try for a baby, and seeing it pay off here was enjoyable for the readers.

But what else does this scene do? through Nesta's perspective, we can read her thoughts on it, and though she doesn't reveal much its an important character moment for her. the readers can see that she can feel happiness for someone else beyond the self-loathing she guards herself with, it shows that she is a character worth rooting for.

SIN #2 Rhys concealing the dangers of the pregnancy from feyre

oof this one is a doosey. this was the most baffling thing to come out of acosf for me. there is literally no reason or explanation that would make sense for rhys to lie to feyre like that. It offers no development for the two character it affects the most: rhys and feyre. there no fallout on rhys' end for lying to her, and there is no turmoil for feyre such as falling into depair like we told she would (the whole reason that rhys was hiding it in the first place).

When Nesta finds out that the pregnancy was most likely going to kill feyre and the baby. instead of Nesta disagreeing and urging Rhys to tell feyre, she doesn't say anything and forms a temporary truce with him, a character she has always had conflict with. It also serves as the incident that allows Nesta to have her 'world collapse' moment in her character arc. How else was Nesta going to realise what a shitty person is was being if she didn't do something so absolutely shitty? in a fit of rage, Nesta reveals to feyre that the pregnancy was going to kill both her and the baby. she get taken away on a hike in illyria (because???) and she reaches rock bottom after she comes to term with what she did. the story is taken away from velaris and the inner circle, and any conflict and resolution that happens between feyre and rhys, if it even happened at all, happens off page. again furthering my point about the pregnancy having no impact on the two characters is affects the most. After Nesta's fleeting moment of enlightenment, and her swordplay sex marathon with Cassian (urgh) she returns to velaris and nothing has changed between rhys and feyre. there isn't really much of a development with Nesta's relationship with feyre, their 'reconciliation' occurs all of less than one page and doesn't even happen out loud, just mind to mind. Now that Nesta has had her important character moment, nothing else matters (again lazy writing).

SIN #3 Everyone dies

ok so yes everyone has said their two cents about this and i agree with it. Feyre and nyx had to die so that Nesta could have her climax moment. It is the climax of the story since it is the big story development right before the resolution. and about the bargain - feysand decided in acofas that they were going to try for a baby. meaning that it was after this decision that they struck the bargain that they would die together. so at some point they would have thought of the fact they would have a child/children when the both die. im sorry but do they seem like the kind of ppl that would make a suicide pact even if it meant leaving their children behind? TOTALLY OOC for me. and i dont know i guess also the stakes weren't high enough with just the threat of feyre and nyx dying.

So feyre and nyx are dead and rhys will soon follow and Nesta intervenes to save them. Its also a self-sacrificing moment bc she has to give up her powers in order to do this... Showing that she does truely love her family and the depths of her powers. (seriously idc how you stan or hate how does anyone this good book?). don't doubt that in the future books sjm will find a way for Nesta to get her powers back (whatever they are (pure death WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???))

So Nesta saves the day, everyone is fine and nothing has changed except Nesta is nice now probably. the end.

welp this got way longer that i expected but anyways long story short there was nothing about the pregnancy that gave development to feysand characters and it was all for the development of the main character.

i don't claim acosf!feysand and sjm better fucking leave them alone in the rest of the books.

i forgot to add: how do design ????!?!??????

So I’m not expert but this is how I think of character design! (also sry if you were asking about clothing/outfit design thats a little different)

under the cut because this is long im so sorry

So in my opinion there are three really important aspects for character design!

AESTHETIC: obviously everybody’s aesthetic is different, but this is more about what vibe the character has, what makes them THEM design wise. 

INTENTION: who is the character supposed to be? this can range from their personality, their back story, their occupation, or their role in the story, but the design need to fit that intention.

COHESION: does the design go well together? or do certain aspects clash too much? obviously you can have disjointed parts of a character design, and if those serve a purpose then thats fine, but if its so disjointed its distracting from the character as a whole you might need to tweak things. 

AESTHETIC: the contrasting part of the design (white flowers in dark hair, dark trim on dress, and dark shoes) provide interest to the eye. The mixing of round and sharp shapes also keeps the design from feeling “boring” even though its relatively simple. 

INTENTION: so what role would this little doodle character have? according to her design elements, shes cute and friendly with her round shapes (bouncy balls, babies, etc), but could have a sharp/fast/active or even dangerous edge to her with the triangles (arrows, knives etc). of course the design doesn’t limit her possible roles. She could be a bubbly younger sister who teases the older protagonist, or maybe she’s the villain hiding in plain sight. the shape this character design doesn’t really have is squares(think bricks and rocks), which communicates that she might not be really strong, steady, or reliable. 

COHESION: repeating the curves across her whole design builds cohesion, it communicates that “yes, these are all part of the same character”, it also allows the eye to “rest” on a familiar shape or line. 

NOW LETS LOOK AT SOME DESIGNS

(Boku no Hero Academia) so both of these characters are super heroes, but have vastly different design elements. so lets analyze them.

OCHAKO(the pink one) is all rounds, with a few pointed shapes in hair mostly, but a little on her costume as well. Her personality is cute, bubbly, and friendly which perfectly suits her soft and bouncy design. Howevre she also has a very slight edge to her, which is seen her determination and drive to improve herself over the course of the anime. 

KIRISHIMA(the red one) at first glance, seems to be super pointy!! shapes that are usually seen on villains or really dangerous characters, but while he IS sharp(literally sometimes) and sometimes aggressive, he is also made of squares, which perfectly suits his loyal “i gotchu bro” attitude towards most of the other characters in the anime.  

ISSUE AREAS: so the only problems i have with Ochako and Kirishima’s designs is that their costumes each have one area that clashes a little too much for my taste. With Ochako, the belt over the color blocking stripes down her crotch are......questionable taste wise. I think the design would be better if the pink chest ended above the belt in a shallow v. not only would this mirror the triangle aspects of her hair, it would fit the belt outline, and continue the trend her costume has of being “grounded” or “heavy”. Kirishima has those.... gears??? around his shoulders??? and while the gear teeth are technically squares, the gear shape itself is a circle, which is a shape that isn’t present anywhere else in his design. I think changing the gears to something similar to his boots or his mask/headgear would create a more cohesive design(also the gears just look hard to move in)

These two characters are presented as individuals so their costumes don’t have to match at all even though they are still seen as “connected” because of the art style for the face, hair, and body. 

In a group giving the outfits cohesive motifs is an easy way to present a strong team image! In Yuki Yuna is a Hero, the girls all have colored lines(usually princess seam placement), armor or fabric hip accents, covered arms, and similar flower shapes in their hair. The Aesthetic of each girl is strong in a monochrome signature color, but not over whelming as the black+white connects them even in color so they aren’t out of place. 

Speaking of color! if your characters are all similar looking (like same body for all of them) you can communicate their personality and aesthetic just with color! (only gonna talk about a few of the ponies) Pinkie Pie (the really pink one) is energetic and playful, so her color scheme is a variation of the primary colors(happy, child like), and have one of the more saturated colors(high energy, intense) of these characters in a large quantity. Apple Jack (the orange one) is a down to earth farm girl, and her color palette is accordingly, mostly earth tones, its also warm analogous colors, which makes her appear un-complicated and warm personality wise. the pop of red is a nice touch to add interest, but notice that its uses sparingly in her cutie mark and tail accessory. Rarity on the other hand is elegant and fussy, her high contrast scheme of white and dark blue/purples gives her more visual interest and is something that makes her appear more “complex” in addition to the gradient thats included in her hair. the colors are also all cool colors, bringing to mind cool glass or water which both have connotations of grace and beauty.

however all the characters here are unified by their colors being on the pastel side, which is also important for a cohesive cast.

another, short, note on color; making the color/line/shading of your figure different from the background can help them stand out, this is used ESPECIALLY in children’s media, but can be applied to any illustration or animation as needed.

Color can also help your characters “read” quickly on screen, the powerpuff girls are a prime example, of having a distinct color blocking and silhouette. even the color blobs at the top and my crappy hand silhouettes STILL read as the characters despite being broken down into abstract elements. I also really enjoy the thick outline in the powerpuff girls, it really makes the characters pop to the foreground even though they have pretty simple designs and are often in a colorful setting.

Also, for a lot of animation, silhouette is INCREDIBLY important for your characters, some designers sketch silhouettes and then design the particulars its so important to nail the shape. These examples from Coraline are some of my favorites (though Laika wins in my heart every time no matter what lmao) because the simple shapes are SO CLEAR and indicative of the character, you literally don’t need to have watched the movie to know these are each different characters with different personalities and roles. 

silhouette can also help tell the story. In Kubo and the two strings (another Laika film) the above three characters are sisters. One has chosen to leave her home in the heavens to live on earth, and the other two stay in their roles as “heavenly” warriors. This is even shown through their designs, the two sisters are weighted on top and their cloaks don’t even touch the ground, while the first woman has trailing, heavy sleeves, hair, and robes all grounding her and emphasizing her connection with the earth.

another example of shape/silhouette reflecting the story, In The Croods, the family of cavemen are for the most part very top heavy, with large torsos and arms, usually in a more hunched over position, while the newcomer, Guy, is bottom heavy with thin arms and stands more upright. In the plot, the family represents the old ways, the strength and rules that have helped them survive, they look like very stereotypical “cavemen”, while Guy resembles the modern man, and appropriately is associated with new ideas and forward thinking.

MORE SHAPES, in DC super hero girls each girl has a distinct personality emulated by her shape language. Zatana is dramatic curves and edges, Super girl is hard, straight edges against curves, giving her a solid muscular shape. Wonder Woman, though also strong, is taller and leaner, lending to a confident leader type. Green Lantern is slim, her lines all flow into each other giving her a go with the flow look. Bumble Bee is, of course, tiny, but her boots and gauntlets add weight and strength to her otherwise small frame. Batgirl is lanky and has a lot of pointed style lines, reminding the viewer of a skinny cat (ironic what with cat woman i know) or weasel which mirrors her preferred “sneaky” crime fighting style.  (also yes this was just an excuse for me to gush abt how much i love the dcshg designs shut up)

so in my opinion, Cartoon Saloon’s The Secret of Kells is PERFECT in aesthetic, intention, and cohesion. Kells focuses very strongly on creating silhouette WITHIN the larger figure shape via color and line, most of the characters pictured here have no neck, the one who does, Brendan, is the main character and the use of negative space that cuts into his shape is used to draw attention to him. Kells is also very strongly inspired by Medieval Illuminated manuscripts (namely, the book of kells lmao). The characters still manage to stand out against outrageously detailed backgrounds via their simple shapes and strong color blocking. 

Aisling, a secondary but very important character, is not human, and has a totally different shape language from the rest of the characters. She is thin and pointy, while most of the others are round or square. Aisling also has the most negative space making up her silhouette, compare the triangles made by her arms and legs in the above picture to the figures in the first image where everybody’s body is self contained with no negative space. She is also very different color wise, very pale and cool colored, as opposed to the warm saturated colors of the human characters. (yes this was another excuse to gush abt one of my fave pieces of media deal with it)

hopefully that wasn’t too rambley and actually helps? if yall have more specific design questions lemma know lol

Aleistar and Haze with grey to multi-coloured? :O (i am just really fond of the grey to multi-colored for some reason)

this one was just Sweet, Tooth Rotting, just Absolutely Delectable and it has Killed me.

zjsnnsnsns thank you for the prompt!

A Blue Armchair

There was a blue armchair in Aleistar's living room. It was his chair, more sonthan any of the others in his home. It was where he had gone to relax and read or to watch the city far below from his window for almost a decade now. A home within a home.

It was a blue armchair, but he only knew it was blue because the clerk at the furniture store had assured him it was blue when he bought it.

Aleistar had never really bemoaned the lack of color in his life. As far as he was concerned color didn't matter. Simply put, he'd never once in his 56 years of life seen color, so he couldn't exactly miss it. Couldn't morn it, or really notice that it wasnt there. He knew he was lacking color, of course he did, he saw it in the art works made to only be viewable by those who had found their soul mates, and he saw it in, as he got older, how everyone around him would look at him with some passive pitty. How his friends stopped inviting him out so that he might meet someone who would show him color, and how people had begun to whisper about him when they thought he wasn't listening.

Of course there were millions of people who never saw color, who's soulmates died before they met, or who died before they could bring color to their own soulmate, or who just never had one. 

For a while he had fancied himself one of the last types. He wasn’t a warm and caring man and he'd never felt the draw to find his other half that everyone described. But those types always said they felt complete as they were, that even without a soulmate they were truly happy. 

Aleistar thought he was one of them until he broke down, drunk and crying against his best friends shoulder. He didn’t remember much, of what he said the next day, just that now that he'd accidentally picked open this wound it was seeping constantly. 

///

Leonard had handed him the book as a joke. 

It was old and bound in a musty smelling leather but its pages were pristine. Leo said it's title translated something like "Desperation and Victory" but Aleistar couldn't make it out on the books front. The lettering was the same value as the leather it was printed on, and something about that felt like it was meant to be an insult.

///

He almost made it a week before he read the book for the first time. 

He sat in his old armchair that the clerk at the furniture shop had told him was blue, and put his feet up on his coffee table which was a deep brown according to Leo, and flicked through the pages that he suspected would be yellow if they weren't just as grey as everything else. 

///

The book had made it sound so effortless to trade his soul for the chance to have everything he could ever want. It listed wealth and riches and beauty or talent as examples of what someone might ask for, but all he wanted was to meet his soulmate. 

A fancy circle here and a few drops of blood there, and boom he'd have a demon who could find them for him. 

Was it worth it though? Was giving up his soul to meet someone he was already fated to meet worth it?

///

A month passed. he was 57 now.

Fifty-seven. 

That number hurt to think about. He wasn’t old old yet, but he had three years until his planned retirement, and an average of maybe eighteen more to follow, if he was lucky.

///

He spent a lot of nights crying in the armnchair he was told was blue with the book he thought of as yellow in his lap. He still remembered how badly he had wanted a family when he was young. Two kids. He'd always wanted two because it felt right to him. If they were both conceived today he was likely to be dead before they would be old enough to share a drink together at his favorite bar. 

Had he truly wasted his life? Had he let himself become so comfortable with the grey that he let a lifetime of color pass him by? 

He was 57. His college classmates were all probably starting to welcome grandchildren now. 

He was 57 and hed already been invited to so many funerals.

He dreaded that he might have already missed his soulmate's.

///

Aleistar habitually took notes at work, always had, but now they were more summoning circles than to-do lists.

///

He was 57, and he didn't care about having a soul anymore, because he desperately needed to find his soulmate and knew he would do whatever he needed to do to make that happen. 

///

The flash of the circle igniting all at once almost made him regret this decision. 

For a moment all that his senses could take in was the stark white light followed by a blurred buzzing of sensation as he struggled back onto his feet after having been thrown by the force of the demon entering his home. 

He was older, and his joints creaked under him as he finally got eyes on the hell beast who would own his soul in a scant few minutes.

He met the demon's eyes across the boundaries line of his summoning circle, his body going tight and rigid as the demon stared right back at him.

The demon's eyes were black and round and open wide. His lips were also black, and his teeth a sharp white where they showed in the slight gape mouthed expression the demon wore. The grey scale that Aleistar knew so well, that he had been so comfortable with for all these years, could hold only the demon's eyes and lips and teeth within itself.

Aleistar had heard that when someone finally found their soul mate they would be able to name one or two colors wothout being told what they were.

Maybe thats why he knew the demon's hair was blue. Deep dark blue. Like the sky at midnight if all the stars blinked out of existence. The ring around the demon's neck, along with its counter parts around his horns, and upper arms, and thighs had to be gold. True pure gold that could buy out everything he had ever owned and still be only a tiny fraction of the way through it's value.

Blue and gold were the colors he could name, Blue for the demons hair and lashes, gold for his markings, But the paled so much next to the color of the demon's skin. Warm and strange and beyond inhuman. Decadent, and bold and rare. and so... magic. So very magical. The color of this demon's skin would be his favorite from now on, and nothing would ever manage to compare to it again.

Nothing would ever again manage to compare to the demon who was slowly standing from where he had been knelt. The corners of his lips were up turned in a way that was almost a smile, more disbelieving than joyous but well on its way towards that destination.

"Hello-" the demon tried to speak, his voice smooth and low as he blurred at the edges, like a fog cloud barely forced into the shape of a man, but his voice cought in his throat as he swirled around the circle, to just look at everything, "Did… Did everything just get very… colorful for you?" the demon asked with a weak but hopeful smile as he pressed his hands up against the invisible boundry between them.

Aleistar thought he'd be scared to approach a demon, that this part would make his stomach turn. But he took the demon's hands in his own without hesitation and without flinching at the feeling of his soft and hell hot skin burning his own just that little bit.

Oh the demon was beautiful, not just his colors that felt so unearthly after of a lifetime of grey, but his fine and delicate features that buzzed around the edges like he might vanish if Aleistar stopped looking at him. 

Aleistar wanted to speak, wanted to say Something to the demon, but he was still struck dumb by the boiling joy and wonder in his own chest that bubbled over everything he met the demon's eyes again.

Some faint part of Aleistar's brain told him he should be panicked about how just holding this demon's hands made all the colors that much more intoxicatingly vibrant. That he shouldn't be on the verge of tears or laughter in this moment because all these colors could mean only one thing

"The silent type huh? Are you broody too?" the demon tried to joke before he caught himself even as his delicat fingers held onto Aleistar's a little tighter, "Oh, uh, the contract. You summoned me because you want me to find you your soulmate right? Uhm," the demon smiled and Aleistar knew he was grinning too. 

Finally, Aleistar understood all those people hed seen collide in the middle of the walkway. Desperate to just touch and hold their other half after far too long separated from them.

"Wow, ok, so I knew I was exceptionally good at my job, but this is a new record for me," The demon babbled on, "Uhm, I- You see the colors too right? I'm not just going crazy, and this is real, right?"

"It is, I- It really is isnt it?" Aleistar was laughing softly and he didn't know why, but the demon was laughing too now and pulling him closer and past the edge of the circle.

The book had been very specific about never being in the circle with an un named demon, said that the demon could use all sort of tricks against you if you made that mistake, but this one seemed perfectly content to just press up against him while burrying his face in the fabric of Aleistar's shirt. Still holding his hands and still chucking something that was almost a hiccups as he sought out his soulmate's touch.

Aleistar wrapped his arms around the demon, around his soulmate just to hold him close for the moment it took them both to stop giggling like school boys. There was something impossibly grounding about holding the demon, something that made him determined to never let his soulmate go

The demon's cute little horns bumped up against his chin every time either of them moved and there was something just immensely endearing about that to Aleistar, so he pressed a kiss to one, marveling at how his skin buzzed from such a little touch before doing it again and again until he was peppering his soulmate's face with kisses that carried all the emotions he couldn't put into words.

"I still need to make a contract with you," his soulmate said after Aleistar tried to kiss him properly for the first time, "I- I've already found you your soulmate, so you're going have to ask for something else… Something that will take very long for me to deliver on so I dont have to leave you," He looked up from where he was still pressed against Aleistar's chest, those coal black eyes so hopeful.

"Be mine," Aleistar said without thinking, "Stay with me and just- Just be mine," smiling this much was starting to hurt, "Please," he cupped either side of the demon's face in his hands to tilt him up just that little bit more, "Please," he repeated again, his breath tight and nervous in his chest like he was just a school boy confessing to his crush under the slide, light and nervwracking and desperate for things he didn't fully understand yet.

The demon grinned and nodded, "Give me a name and it will be done," his hands braced against Aleistar's chest, his fingers tangling in the fabric as he tried to ground himself there. 

Aleistar nodded and took a breath just to steady himself enough to not stutter. He remembered all the ways you could name a demon that the book had listed, all the ways you could bind one to yourself and all the ways those ways could fail, but there was only one he had any interest in trying in that moment.

"Haze," he said, a single syllable to describe his soulmate completely, it was all he needed. If the fervor with which Haze kissed him the moment the his new name was spoken was anything to go off of, then Aleistar felt confident in assuming he'd chosen correctly.

When they finally slowed to let Aleistar catch his breath after minutes of heavy petting and being too needy to let the other more than an inch or two away, they were sat in an armchair that Aleistar didn't need to be told was blue anymore.

Dream Note

Note 1

Description: Idk this was a dream so I added some spice to it.

Paring: Mystery Ateez Member x Female Reader

Warns: Smut, no real kinks, just a bit of hickeys, marking, Fingering and Dom!ateez member , unprotected sex 

Note:All Dream Notes will be a mystery member meaning you'll have to read to find out who it was! because spicy. and yes I will be making a lot of these.

another note: im writing this one my phone so the format will be different because I never used tumblr as an app before.

The way he left warm hot kissing down the back of your neck. His lips feeling like they never left your skin leaving marks behind as he found new spots down your neck and back. You don’t even remember how you ended up here. only moments ago you were with the whole group laughing and making jokes and now you've found yourself pinned against a wall in his shared bedroom. 

His thumb rubbing small circles on your clit as his fingers curls into you heat, You hands leaning against the wall, the thin wall that separated you two and everyone else. Whimper left your lips as you forced yourself to stay quiet, you knew they would find out sooner or later when you two 

As his firm hands gripped your waist pulling you closer to him snapped you quickly out of your wandering thoughts. "Remember what I said, unless.. you want everyone to hear, is that what you want princess? do you want everyone to hear your cute little moans, begs and cries for me?" 

You whimper softly shaking your head, your face grew redder and redder as the seconds dragged on and on. a small Yelp left your lips as you would ripped away from the wall, which truthfully would be the only thing keeping you standing if it wasn't for his grip on your waist. The face that he effortlessly picked you up only to throw you onto his bed caging you underneath him once again. 

Feeling beyond tiny under him only to make you whimper in need for him more. not helping the glare he was giving, the face of a man who has something to prove. I guess the small jokes you laughed at with the boys got to him, all the teasing they did only riled him up and pushed to to prove to them how wrong they were. and you.. being the example of how wrong they were. 

His lips, looking so plush and bruised from your neck looking so perfect, the way they curled into a smirk as he looked down at you. his hands slowly working it way up your thighs squeezing the soft skin. his hands wandering around your thighs touching everywhere but the place you needed him the most.

small whines would leave your lips “Seonghwa please” he smirked lightly at you as he looked down at you, ”Please what princess use your words” Seonghwa frim grip on your thighs as he eyed down at your needy figure. ”Please fuck me” Seonghwa let out a small hum as he his hands left your thighs as they danced onto the lace of your panties.” what was that? i couldn't hear you. imma need you to say that louder princess” 

You knew what he was doing you knew this was payback for laughing at Mingi’s and Yeosang’s jokes, he wanted them to hear you both, he wanted to prove a point to them. ”Seonghwa please fuck me! okay god please stop teasing me already please!” you said louder then you actually excepted it to be earning a pleased chuckle from him. “Oh, babe i haven't yet started to tease but since you asked so nicely” 

Seonghwa would quickly flip you over telling you to get onto all fours as he removed his pants and boxers. he would quickly line himself up with your entrance, after ripping the tip of his cock  down your slick folds. “Be a good girl for me and be nice and loud okay?” Seonghwa would wrap his fingers around your hair pulling it as he slammed him thick cock into your tight welcoming hole.

Your moans echoed around the room, you surely knew they could hear you in the Livingroom. Seonghwa soft groans against you ear didn’t help at all it all poured more sound out of your throat. as his hands found its ways up the shirt you were wearing his hands would cup your breast squeezing's them as he fucking into harder. “Look at you being such a good girl right now, is this why you were acting like a brat? you just wanted me to fuck you so everyone could hear?” 

Seonghwa couldn't help but to chuckle, hearing your nonsense of words that you spoke “am i already fucking you dumb darling?” you couldn't help but to moan pushing yourself back against his chest. with every word, He could feel your walls tightening more and more against him. He honestly loved how your body just reacted to his words he loved ruining you over and over again without even trying. 

“Fuck hwa i” your moans cutting you off as he push your back down against the pushing himself deeper into you. Seonghwa let out a small hiss as your walls tighten against him more as his hand found its way to your clit he rubbed it gently in soft teasing circles “Tell me how much you wanna cum princess come on, tell them how much you wanna cum”.

you couldn't believe him, he really wanted you to speak? you couldn't even think properly let alone speak. “i-i fuck i .” you try to speak but every time a moan kept cutting you off. Seonghwa pressed harder on the small bundle of nerves smirking making you cry out” Seonghwa please i wanna cum! Please i need to cum please! “ 

he would fuck into you harder making you fall against the pillows pillow you muffling your the loudest moan yet. “Cum all over my cock, let them know who made you cum princess” without a second thought your body simply reacted to his words like they always do. the way your body arched and the small scream of his name as you cummed, the way your walls held him so tightly. his pace grew sloppy, as he found himself letting out a moan as he slammed himself deep inside of you releasing his hot seeds.

He would lean down leaving a train of kissing down your back, heavy pants leaving the both of you. he would slowly pull out of you as he lay down pulling you onto his chest as he peppered your face with kisses “let me go run a bath alright” You shook your head as your hid your face into his chest holding onto him. “and why not?”

“they are out there.. and heard everything” he would let out a small laugh before kisses your nose. “thats not excuse i’ll even carry you” 

so Yes there be grammar mistake i had to speed rewrite this after the draft didn’t save.  also. God i am so sorry san! please i didn’t mean to dream of hwa OKAY 

I SWEAR

March 11 - 2023

8:16 AM

I feel mostly better this morning but I am desperate to find out what went wrong. I don’t want to continue this stupid cycle I keep finding myself in. I made one small breakthrough last night, it’s that I definitely still have a habit of suppressing feelings or thinking I shouldn’t be feeling certain ways. I reminded myself that I feel a lot of ways about a lot of things and all of them are valid. They are extremely useful too if I learn to listen to them. All these difficult things I feel can help guide me in the direction I want to go to live a fuller life. 

Its also okay that I keep feeling bad about the same thing. Some things that I thought I had moved on from haven’t healed quite yet. For example, there’s a friend I still kind of wish was in my life despite the unhealthy things we went through. He feels missing to me. I thought how much we talked about it together tied things up but here I am remembering things and feeling hurt. I don’t think rekindling the friendship is the right course. I think it would be best to keep trying to move on from it but it’s hard for me to let people go. I still feel so guilty for how I had acted and how it made him feel even though I shouldn’t. The reality is we had something going on that was toxic for me and I had to step away to take care of myself. Every time I say it, it sounds like an excuse. But it’s the truth. 

The other thing on my mind is how hard I commit to people. I want to diversify my relationships for the sake of being more healthy and stable, but my heart tells me to stick to just 1 or 2. I’m finding it extremely hard to force myself to hang out with people and find genuine meaning in it. I know it’s not a good thing, this kind of thing I do can easily lead to unhealthy dependence like I know I am so prone to. It’s something I feel like I should discuss with certain people but I don’t want them to be put off by it or creeped out or something. I imagine the solution to this is taking baby steps putting myself into different social scenarios and actively trying to treat them as meaningful rather than something I want to get over with so I can get back to my real friends. But first I have to convince myself that hanging out with other people so much is not “betraying” my other friends. Thats just how it feels to me. I used to have more active friends and what made it stable to me was how different people had different time slots, and also didn’t know each other. Maybe it would be easier to start like that again because right now it’s like I’m only accepting friends that can fit into this 1 little circle I’m in. I know from experience that I can find valuable people that maybe aren’t furries or dont’ play VRchat. But I think the thing stopping me from finding them is how I still don’t know who I am or what I want enough. I think it would be easy enough to make some new friends if I had something I wanted to do consistently at a reliable time of day. 

I know I live in the past and I need to get myself back up to the present. The past and how I feel things “should” be severely limit what I am able to do right now. I often feel like I peaked a long time ago and am just trying to hold on to anything I have left. I neglect the fact that I can in fact grow and change and experience new, exciting things. 

7:36 PM

My plan tonight was to get on VRchat with a drink and go ham socializing but I did not get the second wind I thought I would. I am SO tired, it’s almost odd how tired I am. Maybe last night had a bigger toll on me than I realized, and how much I ended up drawing today. Even though most of it was chill, hours of creativity is still hours. I’m probably not going to drink tonight and just take it easy. 

I often try to adhere to other people’s wants/personalities because I’m afraid I’m too weird if I be myself. But I do want to let myself show through. Just, slowly. 

11:16 PM

I don’t want to forget the good memories I have with people, even if they are out of my life for bad reasons. Mostly because good memories make me think of the bad ones, which is a good thing because I do not want to avoid pain. I need to remember all the ways I’ve hurt so I can learn from it and apply it to future situations all for the sake of not letting history repeat itself. The key to breaking a cycle is noticing the patterns and changing them.