friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you

fluffy Ellie where her love language is acts of service 😭

i think that ellie, naturally, is a bad communicator. she doesn't really know how to express the things she's feeling, and unfortunately, the only time she doesn't fear doing so is when she's angry and vindictive. candidly, when it comes to verbally expressing her love for you, she's fucking clueless. so instead of verbally confronting her own sappiness, ellie most likely shows her appreciation for you and attention to you in other ways. so having one of her love languages be acts of service is something that makes a lot of sense to me, sometimes in a really literal context, and yeah, sure, i would like to talk about it.

ellie has never claimed to be an organized person. she picks and chooses when she embraces her cleanliness, and that decision is almost entirely dependent on how much of a rush she's in or how tired she is. her case is not helped at all by the fact that she's a fucking hoarder, even though she will never say that out loud, or agree to it. in comes reader whose definition of a homely and communal space is almost entirely dependent on organization and tidiness. because who cares if it's the apocalypse? what is that, if not more of an excuse to give yourself something nice and clean to come back to, given the chaos of everything else around you? you may not have as much stuff as she does but you've assigned a role to where everything should go -- and that's not to say that ellie hasn't done that either, it's just, hers is more "boxes, upon boxes, upon boxes, of comics atop of a flat-screen tv stand and unmade beds and picking laundry up off of the floor and sniffing before putting it on your body--" and yours is.. slightly more picturesque.

and ellie knows that she's messy. but she knows that her girlfriend isn't. and also knows how her girlfriend, is. when she sees that you're sad, and can't afford to get out of bed to even run your patrols let alone put your laundry or anything where it is supposed to be or tuck the left corner of your fitted sheet back underneath your mattress, ellie initially wouldn't know what to do other than what felt right. on the day that you'd finally left your bed, you'd come home to a not perfect, but neater space, of which has some semblance to how you usually would attempt to organize things. the pile of clothes collecting on the floor is stuffed away in a basket. your nightstands, aka clutter personified, are somewhat organized and you can actually see the wood on them now. better yet, you can see your floor now. ellie's caught smoothing out the corner to your comforter and stands kind of straight in light of your presence, not really knowing what to say other than "hey," and you don't know what else to do other than.. hug her.

ellie didn't really know what to get you for your birthday, and also was trying to figure out what was gay enough, but not too gay to alert the masses (joel, and company) that she had a big, bright, glaring, red crush on someone. she knew the things that you'd liked, it's just, she didn't know what to get you. so she'd scavenge around whatever stores she passed through during patrols that weren't too busy, damn near lose an arm and a leg trying to do so, and if she was lucky enough, she'd find something that reminded her of you. eventually, that's what your birthday gift came down to. a compilation of things -- most of them presumably useless -- that reminded her of you, or an inside joke that she shared with you.

but between you and ellie, she'd been planning your birthday present for months. it was just so, atrociously gay, that she couldn't fathom the idea of ever giving it to you without knowing how you felt about her first. it was a compilation of every poem that she's ever written about you, of every drawing that she's ever made of you, of every song that she's wanted to play you but has never mustered up the courage to. she backed out, and gave you the box, and completely forgot about this present in the moment because you were already smiling over the one that she'd gotten you. but that collection of sentiments that she never gave you would do nothing but grow behind your back, regardless of whether or not you guys were dating, and even though you knew ellie drew and wrote poetry. so while she'd never give it to you on your birthday that year, she'd give you that collection on the day that marked your one year anniversary instead. and the smile that it would probably bring to your face would make her wish that she'd just given it to you sooner, but at the same time, given all of the work and grossness that went into collection, she wouldn't trade the moment for anything.

whenever you stay over and you fall asleep before her, ellie always makes sure that your water bottle is filled because she knows that when you wake up in the middle of the night like a fish out of water. modern!au ellie also always takes her phone off the charger to plug yours in instead.

she knows how much of a hassle it can be to stay over, because it means that you have to bring all of your shit over that assures that you can have a "normal" night for yourself (in a modern!au context, skincare is a good example). so she's tried to make it easier. she has a designated drawer, or shoebox, filled with those things, so then when you come over, all of you have to do is just.. pack a bag of clothes, if that, and come over.

ellie isn't a bad cook but she is ... very far from good. so she likes to compromise. you handle the cooking, and don't worry about the dishes. they won't even stay in the sink overnight. she'll wipe down the stove, she'll handle the crud on the counters. you've clearly done enough, just go sit down. she's also compromised by making your drinks the way you like them. she doesn't even like tea/coffee, but she knows exactly how you like yours, even though it is ridiculously difficult to come across and kind of a fucking safety hazard, apocalyptically speaking, for fungally related and/or tumultuous reasons.

you may walk around the farmhouse and just find things that were bothering you, fixed. that faucet has been leaking for a while now, but one day, it's quiet as a mouse. the fucking coyotes keep killing the sheep, and it's upsetting, and realistically, ellie would've done what she had to do with said coyotes regardless, because they're killing the fucking sheep. but she's got more incentive to, now that you said something. there's some cracks in the roof and the ceiling that need dealing with that've started to bother you, and for better or for worse, what you wake up to one day is ellie -- beat by the sun and a film of sweat glistening on her forehead -- in a plaster covered shirt, and the roof/ceiling almost taken care of. and one day you'd point it out to her. "everytime i point something out, you always go fix it." to which ellie, as though begrudged with a lopsided fucking smile on her face, would go, "well, i don't know. maybe what's important to you is important to me, too."

making you a mixtape, or a playlist (if modern!au). sending it your way with the simple phrase of "these songs made me think of you," and it's the gayest shit you've literally ever heard in your life.

you hate manning the stables, because horse shit smells atrocious, and sometimes maria gets stressed out and takes it out on everyone around her. ellie offers to take your shift for you.

getting you food when you don't have time to, and writing down a pun on a piece of paper in the bag. every, single time.

taking care of you when you're sick. this literally goes without saying. chicken noodle soup and banter, all day, everyday.

"i don't feel like getting my horse." "don't worry about it." vs the modern!au equiv. of "i'll pick you up / i'll fill your tank."

and you see where i'm going with this. clearly, you can tell i like it here.

i wanted to make this longer but, you get the gist.