have you ever even thought about WHY a woman might need an abortion? What if they were raped? What if giving birth could seriously hurt/kill the mother? What if it was an unplanned teen pregnancy or a teenager was raped? Do you still think they should carry the baby until the birth, knowing the mother could suffer? Do you think it’s ok if the mother dies as long as the baby lives? the other anons are right & you ARE fucking disgusting. You will never change pro-choicer’s minds no matter what.

I've thought about why women get abortions many times. And it's clear you've been led to believe that abortion is the solution to the reasons you mentioned but that's not actually the case.

>What if they were raped?

Women don't need an abortion if they were raped. I can understand why they might want one because that's scary. She's been victimized, violated, and hurt and now she's pregnant through no choice of her own and I completely understand and sympathize with her situation and how she is feeling. But, in this situation, we now have more than one innocent person involved. If the baby was not a living human being from the moment of conception I would say go ahead and get an abortion. But they are a living human being from the moment of conception and your solution here is to kill the child for the crimes of the father. We don't even kill the rapist in these situations but you want to give the death penalty to the baby?

There is also the fact that abortion doesn't help. It's not a safe, magical, trauma free baby eraser. It's an invasive procedure that comes with several risks of its own. It's not safe. And it remains not safe even if the woman was raped.

Abortion triples the maternal mortality rate (and, interestingly, it was also found that a safe delivery is linked to reduction in mortality risks that are associated with both miscarriage and abortion).

Abortion increases the risk of premature death for a woman by 50%.

Abortion harms women's mental health

some bullet points from the article:

″Women who have had an abortion have an 81% higher risk of subsequent mental health problems compared to women who have not had an abortion.

″Women who aborted have a 138% higher risk of mental health problems compared to women who have given birth.

″Women who aborted have a 55% higher risk of mental health problems compared to women with an "unplanned" pregnancy who gave birth.

″Women with a history of abortion have higher rates of anxiety (34% higher), depression (37%), alcohol use/misuse (110%), marijuana use (230%), and suicidal behavior (155%), compared to those who have not had an abortion.

Abortion increases the risk of breast cancer by 44% in women who have had just one abortion and the risk gets even higher with multiple abortions.

There are multiple risks associated with abortion.

More ways abortion hurts women.

Some bullet points from the above article:

31% of women having abortions report suffering physical health complications (1)

10% of women having abortions suffer immediate, potentially life-threatening complications (2, 3, 4)

Women have a 65% higher risk of clinical depression following abortion vs. childbirth (5)

65% of women suffer symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after abortion (1)

Women’s death rates from various causes after abortion are 3.5 times higher than after giving birth  (6, 7)

Many women describe their experience as ‘a nightmare’, which can hardly equated with ‘choice’. 60% of women surveyed after abortion responded that: ’Part of me died’ (1)

Suicide rates among women who have abortions are six times higher than those who give birth (7, 8)

Abortion increases a woman’s risk of future miscarriages by 60% (9)

You are advocating for a woman to be able to undergo a very unsafe, risky procedure just because in the moment they think they want it. A woman who was raped and ends up pregnant needs emotional support, counseling, and thorough medical care. Not an abortion.

>what if giving birth could seriously hurt/kill the mother?

If giving birth is going to seriously hurt or kill the mother then chances are an abortion will too. And if giving birth will kill the mother she needs to be seen by a doctor at a hospital. Abortion is not a treatment for life threatening pregnancy complications. In situations like that the mother needs to be treated as necessary because if she dies so will the baby but the treatment for those situations is rarely, if ever, an abortion.

>what if it's an unplanned teen pregnancy or a teen was raped?

If a teen girl was raped that's terrible but you can read my above answer about abortion in cases of rape because it doesn't change for a teenager.

If it's an unplanned pregnancy, why should the baby die? They are still as much of a person as they are in a planned pregnancy. It is safer to go through the natural pregnancy and birth process than it is to get an abortion. So a pregnant teenager needs thorough medical care and attention throughout the pregnancy, not an abortion. It's still not safe even if a teenager is pregnant.

Abortion does not magically erase the baby. The woman still has to deliver it from her body. Abortion forces the body to "birth" a dead baby. That's the difference. You advocate for the delivery of a dead baby. I advocate for the delivery of a living one.

>do you think it's ok if the mother dies as long the baby lives?

No, that's why I don't support things that would kill the mother. I want both the mother and baby to be taken care of. I want them both to live. If the mother dies the baby is going to die, too. The baby cannot live if the mother doesn't. And killing the baby doesn't save the mothers' life. In situations where the mother may die she needs to be treated as necessary and every effort needs to be taken to save her life. Doctors should be try to save both lives. And if the baby dies in the process of saving the mother that is tragic but it's not an abortion.

The problem here is you just don't really understand what abortion is. For some reason you think killing a baby is the only solution to a tough situation, but you're wrong. You don't ever need to kill a baby. We can let them both live.

And I've actually had former pro-choicers tell me I have helped to change their mind so you're wrong :)

Anon wrote: Hi MBTI-notes. INFJ here. Many thanks for your tremendous insights. Your analysis of unhealthy INFJ’s has been absolutely spot on for me. I can see that I can be incredibly, sometimes laughably, unrealistic, have great difficulty being present, and alternate between too cynical and too trusting.

However, despite knowing about the INFJ weaknesses for several years now thanks to your blog, I keep making these mistakes. Some feel harder to change than others - like the difficulty focusing that, in my case, seems similar to ADHD.

I am trying a variety of things including finding the right mentors to bring me back to reality and hold me accountable, DBT, and improvements to basic physical self-care like sleep. I might also consider getting on medications for bipolar I (a diagnosis I have received due to two manic episodes, although they’re not sure if I need to be on meds) or ADHD.

In your experience, what is necessary to successfully close the gap between simply knowing about my problematic patterns and actually changing them? I am really hoping that improvements in emotional intelligence via DBT will close the gap, and also am trying to be more systematic about maintaining and improving my interpersonal relationships. Maybe it will be a combination of many small things like mastering physical health and routines, realistic goals, the right mentors, discipline, etc.

(From the INFJ who mentioned bipolar I). As an addendum, I just wanted to mention that the two episodes definitely involved some psychotic thoughts and behavior, but it's unclear if they fit a traditional manic episode, as I've not experienced periods of little sleep but high energy. It’s quite possible that BPD is a better explanation due to a connection in both cases with a romantic interest. I just wanted to mention this in case it impacted your response at all.

----------------------

"Knowing" about problems means being in possession of the facts, so it comes mainly through observation and gathering information. A lot of people go through life not knowing how problematic their thinking/behavior really is until they get critical feedback or generate very negative consequences. Even then, perhaps they still can't admit to having a problem and they use defense mechanisms such as denial to avoid confronting the truth. Getting through these defenses can be an arduous process. Even though knowing is really only the first step, it can already be quite a difficult step.

If knowing is only the first step, it means it's not enough. More is required. Knowing is not the same as "understanding". Understanding comes mainly through developing self-awareness, which involves the capacity to perceive and evaluate oneself accurately and objectively. Self-awareness can be described as low/high or shallow/deep. To improve self-awareness usually involves going inward, through reflection and introspection, to discover the roots and mechanisms behind psychological issues.

If knowing is about grasping the facts, understanding is about being able to provide a proper explanation of the facts. For example, a lot of people feel low self-confidence very acutely but they have no idea about how it came to pass or why they suffer. When you don't understand your thinking/behavior, it means you don't know the causes of it, the motivations behind it, or the factors that contributed to its manifestation.

That said, when people know but don't understand their problem, they are still capable of some small self-improvement. Generally speaking, they'll seek out advice from those in the know and try to discover some common rules, methods, or procedures for dealing with the problem, which allows them to become more functional in daily life. However, while they can improve a bit, their growth tends to be limited because it remains unclear whether the solution they've found is the correct one. Perhaps they feel some relief or progress, but it doesn't really seem long-lasting. Why? Knowing without understanding means every "fix" you try is basically blind and random experimentation. If something works for awhile, you don't understand why. If something doesn't work, you don't understand what went wrong. This is one reason why self-help methods have a high rate of failure; they simply don't get deep enough into the problem, so self-awareness remains too low.

Using the example of low self-confidence to illustrate, different people suffer for different reasons. For Person A, perhaps it's because of fear of failure that creates too much anxiety to feel confident. For Person B, perhaps it's because they lack knowledge and skill, so they feel too incompetent to approach tasks confidently. Person B needs to improve their knowledge and skill through learning and practice in order to feel more confident. But this remedy isn't going to work for Person A. Regardless of how knowledgeable or skilled Person A is, they will continue to fear failure, because it is an entirely separate issue that remains unaddressed by Person B's remedy. If you were looking to the above two cases for inspiration, you wouldn't get very far without knowing YOUR individual reasons for suffering low self-confidence.

It sounds like you are still in the stage of knowing - gathering the facts about your issues in order to name/label them correctly. It's good you've gotten some practical advice for managing your issues. Using the INFJ functional stack to frame the issues also seems to have been helpful for improving your self-awareness. However, what I'm still not seeing is true understanding. You haven't yet discovered the underlying causes/mechanisms and aren't able to provide an accurate and objective explanation of why you suffer from these issues. In short, it's just harder to solve a problem when you don't know the cause or how it arose.

This is probably one reason why you're running into difficulty with getting clear official diagnoses. People often view an official diagnosis as "the answer", but oftentimes the label is just a way to describe a particular set of symptoms. It doesn't reveal enough about what's really going on underneath the surface. The process of talk therapy ought to be aimed at making better sense of the symptoms, so it's important to pair any pharmaceutical interventions with talk therapy.

I never want to discourage people from self-improvement. I appreciate your willingness to seek out answers. You asked me what might be lacking in your approach and I've given you my best guess. You've focused a lot on "doing" and "following", implementing some commonsense strategies like physical self-care and learning from good mentors. This is certainly a step in the right direction. But from the perspective of analytical psychology, you haven't done enough to go within to understand your own individual psyche. It is likely that working on your emotional intelligence through DBT will deepen your self-awareness. But, at this early stage, there is no way for me to predict if it will "close the gap". If you care about understanding yourself better, be willing to take your therapist's reflections and inquiries as deep as you can go with them.

what's the idea behind coercion not being ipso facto bad? how does this apply to the abolish schools discourse?

first off have to bracket this by saying i've never discussed coercion at length, because it doesn't tend to be used particularly formally, and because i'm allergic to the cats in the narko squat. but, to the point: there's no big idea behind it. that's just it—if you want to claim something is ipso facto bad, you have to do the moral legwork there; you have to own the edge cases. when you don't do this, you really mean something like 'X phenomenon in many cases causes Y phenomenon, where i find Y bad'. in the case of coercion, people don't tend to explain why it's bad very seriously, because it doesn't actually make any sense to claim that something ipso facto bad becomes un-bad when it's, like, legitimated through some procedure, and attempting to redraw the lines such that it’s only coercion when not legitimated in this fashion stretches credulity. but on the other hand nearly all of us are comfortable with *some* uses; we just try to bracket them in a way which makes them appear non-problematic.

a clearer example of what i’m talking about with more straightforward ramifications would be domination, because we can pick out a more definitive account to consider. we can basically read it as the capacity to affect the choice set of another party; at first blush this makes sense & leads us towards an account of freedom. the trouble is that i’m always in-principle in the position to affect the choice set of a third party, because even something as basic as a market transaction affects something like supply or price in a fashion that renders the choice fundamentally different. the ability to buy something at a dollar and the ability to buy something at a dollar and a penny are different choices, as is the ability to access a good for which one has to queue at t=1 or t=2. but, we don’t even have the conceptual capacity to talk about what it would mean for agents to only make ramification-less choices in this way. it’s ultimately purely specious. the classic example in the literature is that refusing to let a neighbour without a pool use your pool at odd hours of the day is dominating them, but if anything this undersells how badly domination overgeneralises.

i understand coercion and domination aren’t precisely the same, but they’ve been read together by domination theorists to the point where you can appreciate how applying force to change the calculus of the choices before someone is once again a species of this sort of power-over.

the overall way in which to situate my lack of care for concepts of coercion etc., though, comes in the fact i don’t think personal identity or metaphysical conceptions of the subject hold water, & so i find most conceits of autonomy & so on fall apart in much the same way. i’m not a rights-thinker, or a contract-thinker, or a duty-thinker, or other species of liberal.

it’s a neat question how that squares with the abolition of schools, because i do have the sort of gut moral sentiments that seem to comport with this philosophical position fairly awkwardly, though. another example that came to mind recently was my profound distaste for the whole voluntary-death moral panic. ultimately i do think it’s possible to square the circle, but it requires a deeper ethical sketch than i have space for here. to take a very quick stab: when we don’t find ourselves possessed of the idea that moral facts are out there to be discovered by clever metaphysicians, we’re forced to, well, ask questions, and make our peace with using language to do so. in other words, we listen! this is something that perfectionisms, whether of the hedonistic-utilitarian or aristotelian bent, do not.

my scepticism towards schools, aside from sheer horror at the idea of telling someone how i want to dispose of the next ten years of their life, is a scepticism towards knowing what kind of person you ought to develop into. i can help you develop into the kind of person that would bring you satisfaction, and i can tell you the requirements of those rules, but i would never presume to you know your good. because ultimately the aggregate social good i’m looking for comprise, along with everyone else’s, your evaluation of your life as a whole anyway!

A Lark Among the Wolves and Dragons Bonus Chapter: Escape from the Lodge

I know things seem bleak for the Lady of Larks right now, but rest assured there will be a happy ending down the line. Things will likely get worse before they get better.

Also this chapter kinda sorta introduces a character towards the end, one from the books and from the Blood and Wine expansion (and who is also arguably one of my favorite characters from the Witcher franchise).

After crying in Tris' arms, you pushed her away, still mad at her for this betrayal; in hindsight, you knew it wasn't really her fault, she wasn't the one who put you in this situation, but it didn't change the fact that you were essentially a hostage, a pawn in some group's political game.

You were also mad at Yennefer, wondering why she even agreed to this deal; granted, her bringing you to the Lodge was the reason you survived in the first place, but still didn't change the feelings of betrayal, it didn't change the feeling that Yen broke you out of one cage and essentially placed you in another. 

And of course you were still reeling from the events of your miscarriage and the procedure that resulted in your infertility. You hadn't actually taken the proper time to process how you felt about that. It was sad that you lost the baby, but you weren't exactly grieving over that, not anymore. To some extent you felt relief, relief that the thing that the Rogue Prince tried trap you with was no longer an issue. It was a relief that you wouldn't have to worry about him coming after you again because you were carrying another one of his children. It was a relief that you wouldn't need to consider the options you had available of whether you wanted to keep this child or not...and it was a relief because you were not even sure if you would've been able to love this child the same you loved Aemma due to how said child was conceived in the first place.

A few days after you woke, after finding out of the predicament you were in, you were visited by Phillipa Eilhart, the sorceress who founded this Lodge, and the woman who was the reason why were this group's 'guest.'

"Lady Lark," Phillipa addressed you, "I see you are awake, and recovering well from your illness. I am glad. I was not certain you would have made it, even with Francesca's magic, considering you were very near death's door. Your will to live is to be commended." You said nothing, refusing to look Phillipa in the eye, which the mage did not seem to appreciate, "I hope you realize the trouble that was gone through to bring you back from your near death experience," she says changing her tone, "the risks we have taken, as the Lodge is not public knowledge to the rest of the world." "If your concern is that I will reveal the Lodge's existence and those involved, you can rest assure I will not," you say in a low tone, "I don't care. I don't care about the Lodge or it's politics, I don't care what is going on in the world as we speak, I just want to leave...I want to be free again."

"And you will be allowed to leave," Phillipa assures, "as soon as Yennefer returns and produces as the princess Cirilla, you may leave and go wherever you please. This I promise you, (y/n)." You look up to Phillipa, giving her a rather incredulous look, again, something she took offense to, "you doubt me word? I suppose I can understand. Yennefer saw fit to inform us of your...previous situation. You can rest easy, no here will defile you as you were in Westeros, no one here will abuse you as you have been abused. You will be treated well, you have been treated well. You have been provided medicine for the pain, a warm bed, and good food. And once you can walk a little more then a few steps, you will not be confined to this room. You can explore, do as you wish, and you will not have to worry if anyone here will harm you."

"I was given a warm bed and good food in that place," you mutter, "I was allowed to explore the keep and do as I wish. I was treated well in spite of the abuse," you turn to the mage, a certain fire in your eyes, "you seem under the impression I was locked in chains and thrown in a dungeon against my will...I was not. But what difference did it make? A dungeon, a single bed chamber, or an entire castle? The fact of the matter is, I was not allowed to leave. Soldiers, sympathizers, enablers of the Rogue Prince, they would watch me every waking hour of the day to ensure I could not escape, regardless of whether he was there or not. I could not leave then...and I can't leave now." "That is not true," Phillipa assures, "as I mentioned before you will be permitted to leave once the deal is complete, and if you are concerned about being subjected to the same cruelty that man had bestowed upon you-" You laugh at that, mirthless, joyless, before the sorceress could finish her faux assurances, "I see, so just because you promise to treat me better, then that will make this okay. You think that because I won't be beaten or sexually assaulted, that this will be more bearable then it was before. Maybe you're right...but now the question comes down to how long will I have to remain here until Yennefer can bring Ciri here? Days, weeks, months...years maybe. But OH, it will be just fine since I won't have to worry about a man forcing himself on me every other night, that this will be better because this time my wardens are now women, is that it? None of this changes that fact that I, a once respected troubaritz, a person who was once treated with dignity, has become little more then a canary locked in a cage, forced to perform when it suits my captive's fancy."

"With all due the respect I can possibly muster," you say with venom in your voice, "..Fuck you, Phillipa," you flip the mage your middle finger for good measure just to convey your exact feelings in this moment, not giving a shit that she was a powerful sorceress who could turn you to dust in the blink of an eye for just even slighting her hospitality.

You expected her to take offense for this, but to your surprise, Phillipa gave a small smile followed by a small nod, almost like a gesture of respect, "I can see why Yennefer of all people is so fond of you," she says, "I can see why she believed your live was worth saving. In spite of your rude demeanor, I will honor my word to her; time will tell if she will honor the word she gave me."

With that, Phillipa turned and left, leaving you to silently stew in your anger. You wanted to stand, you wanted to walk to the window, to scream and shout and just let it all out. But, alas, you were still unable to move without experiencing pain.

  The next several months of your 'visit' in this unknown place with the Lodge of Sorceresses saw spending most of it in bed in a state of endless depression.

During this time, you did not have to relay on the pain numbing potions Tris continued to make for you as much as you used to, and you could manage to stand and walk longer distances before you grew tired. As promised, you were not confined to your room, but allowed to explore the castle. It looked like some kind of ruin, almost like Kaer Morhen was. It made sense that the Lodge would hide itself in such, given that it was still a secret from the rest of the world. You were given the best food and imported wine and anything you could possibly ask for...well almost anything. There were three things in this world you wanted more than anything, those being your daughter, your brother, and your lover, but such requests were denied.

You wonder if Geralt and Jaskier were looking for you again, wondering where you could've disappeared to. You wondered if Yennefer had deigned to inform them, though she would probably leave out certain details so as not to anger Geralt, even if it meant she thought she was doing what was best for all parties involved. That was Yennefer, you thought, both ambitious and loyal to a fault, sometimes to the point where she can't always see the forest past the trees.

Meanwhile your one companion Tris would come and visit, hoping to lighten the burden of your imprisonment. You weren't angry at her anymore...actually, you didn't feel much of anything anymore. When you weren't laying in bed, you would mindlessly wander the castle, almost like an empty husk of your former self. Tris would try her best to console you and find some kind of joy to revel in, but it was all to no avail. She could see this was eating away at you slowly day in and day; you were not the joyful person she first met in Kaer Morhen, the person who shined a light wherever she went, making friends wherever, and just being around a positive person. That was gone now, and you being here was not helping matter anymore. The sorceress could no longer stay by and let you slowly die little by little; even though Phillipa and the Lodge did promise your eventual release, Tris could only wonder at what cost to your overall well-being. Sure they helped heal your physical state, but your mental state didn't seem to matter as long as you still had a pulse.

So one night, while you were laying in bed, stuck in your current state, Tris opened the door and got you up, "come with me," she said, offering a hand. You frown in confusion, but despite everything you still trusted Tris. So you take her hand and she leads out of the room. "Tris, I don't understand," you say, "what is going on."

"I'm getting you out of here," she assures. "But the Lodge-" "Forget about the Lodge," Tris snaps, "You were right. I should've listened to you. It doesn't matter how well they've treated you, or haven't, you're still a prisoner. I don't expect to forgive me now...but I hope you will be able to someday." You realized the risk Tris was taking in this moment, the fact she was willing to risk the wrath of the Lodge and very much risking her membership...

Once outside, Tris waved her arms and recited the incantations to open the portal, "I don't know where this will lead exactly," she admits, "but it will get you far away from this place, and from the Lodge." "...I won't forget this kindness, Tris," you tell her before you step into the portal.

You didn't care where it would take you, as long as it was nowhere in Westeros, or it would lead you back here, but you still clung to that glimmer of hope that for once in your life you won't be treated like a bird in a cage.

Once you exit the portal, you expect your feet to touch solid ground...well sort of. You also fall forward and land on a wall of flesh, forcing it to fall with you on the ground.

When your senses were no longer distorted from the portal, you feel the being beneath you. You look to see it was a man with greyed hair, side burns, and dark eyes. "Oh, uh, I beg your pardon," the man said, getting your attention. The points of his teeth didn't go unnoticed by you when he spoke, and you were quick to roll off him and get back on your feet. You were ready to flee, but the man slowly stood, brushing the dirt off his clothes, "Oh, no need to be scared," he quickly assure, "I mean you no harm. It's not everyday young maidens pop out from randoms portals when one is on an expedition." "I'm not a maiden," you retort. "My apologies for making such assumptions then," the man nods with a genuine tone and a small smile. You notice the teeth again, "Are...are you...?" "Human?" he says, "No. But I am not a monster either, at least, not the kind you may be familiar with. Permit me to introduce myself, I am Emiel Regis Rohellec Terzieff-Godefroy." "That's a mouthful," you deadpan. "For the sake of simplicity, most just refer to me as Regis," he tells you, "and if you were curious as to what I am exactly, well, I am what humans call a Higher Vampire. But rest assure, I have no intentions on feasting on your blood anytime soon. At least that is, if I could have your name."

"(y/n)?"

You and Regis turn to see the man you haven't seen in months now.

"Geralt..."

Bonus Masterlist

Hi. I went private for my prescription. Today I was told by my GP that he will no longer support my decision. He had previously been all for it and had even signed off on shared care. But the pharmacy and the surgery won't allow it.

Today I was told I had to cancel my subscription for my prescription as I won't be able to get my hormones anywhere. I was told by my GP that if I did get my hormones elsewhere, I would no longer be able to be seen in that surgery. They will not help me with any kind of illness.

I don't understand why. I had been given the green light all the way through this. Until now. I have wasted hundreds to go private just for my surgery to say it's all to waste.

I'm honestly just so tired of all this. I spent a year on the wait list after being referred by my doctor. Turns out he hadn't actually referred me to the gic. So I got a new doc, he did it instantly. It's been 3 years and nothing has happened.

I'm sorry for the rant. I'm not out. No one knows I'm trans. I keep it a secret. My family know. But everyone else just think I'm a cis man, this is for my safety.

Hi Anon,

Your GP should not be treating you like this especially when you had an agreed plan in place.

I would recommend putting in a formal complaint about your GP. Highlight the process you have been through and your GPS change of mind. Talk about discrimination and wanting to know why your GP is now refusing to help you. Use words like “discrimination on grounds of gender identity” and “refusal of access to care”.

Complaints can be daunting, but they can get things investigated properly and your GP would have to give reason, other than their personal prejudice for not allowing you access all of a sudden. Also add to you complaint that your GP didn’t put in your referral which is another act of deliberately stopping your access to appropriate healthcare. I would also note in the complaint that your GP had also said they will not help you with any illness if you go elsewhere for hormones. A GP cannot refuse you help or access to healthcare when you present at your GP surgery for help. This is unethical and goes against the NHS code of practice.

If you do not have a supportive GP, you may want to consider changing your GP and GP surgery. These drs are acting out of their own personal bias and prejudice towards trans people and are often doing this because they lack the knowledge of appropriate trans healthcare. This however does not give them an excuse for poor treatment and medical negligence.

Try the complaints procedure as this means they have a limited time to respond and then this will put pressure on them to answer for their actions. But if these are the problems you are having at this stage, you will definitely not want to continue with this GP for the rest of your process.

To the prisoners: What did it feel like getting the video extracted? And do you have any guesses what was on it?

sorry for the late reply and thank you sm for this question! (note: all of this happens before they find out about their verdicts, but they can already see that the guards are treating them differently)

Akio: It felt weird. Yes, I thought this whole thing was just.. I don't know, a game or something like that, but when they did that to me.. This is real. I really am going to be judged. And after they were done.. Fine, I don't want to say it, but I really did pass out. It's not like I'm weak, okay? I'm sure something like that happened to other prisoners as well. And no, I don't have any health problems, don't even ask. Just.. don't act like him. Don't worry about me.

And about the video.. I don't want to think about it too much. Who cares about that? I'm sure they just saw my accomplice instead of me. Sure, maybe I came up with everything, but he was the one who did it. It wasn't my fault.. I just hope that video didn't show all the details.

Aimi: Hm.. I've never felt like that before. It was a very strange feeling, but I wouldn't say that it was bad. Also, it didn't last that long, so I'm not complaining. Um, we're going to have two more trials after this one, right? That means I'll have to do the same thing like two more times.. Well, again, I'm not complaining.

You want to know what I think about my video?.. Well, my relationship with the guards haven't changed and I feel like they actually think I was.. the "victim", I guess? That means my video actually didn't show that much. I don't know if I should be happy or sad because of that, haha.

Shun: W-why did you have to ask me that? I've almost managed to forget about it, but now I have to think about it again.. I-it was scary. I had no idea what was going on and I just wanted everything to end. Also, how can something like this be real? I refuse to believe that they can actually see everything in just one video.. How did they even extract it? This doesn't make any sense!

But.. I think they treat me a bit differently now? Like, they're nicer to me now.. I don't know, maybe I'm just imagining things. But if that video really did show my "crime".. Hehe, it means I really do deserve to be forgiven.

Naomi: Well, I definitely didn't expect something like that. But for a place as strange as this, it's only natural to go through such a strange procedure. I can't say much, I think you'd have to experience it yourself to understand it.

About my video.. I don't want to think about it, but I hope it didn't show me being the victim. I don't want the guards to make the same decision that everyone else in my life did.

Kei: Ehehe, I'll never forget something like that, that's for sure! I have no idea what they saw in my video, but.. um, I hope it was something they can handle? Especially Miki-chan, that poor girl.. Ah, I don't have to worry about Eiji, he's gonna be fine. What? He's not as pure as he wants others to think!

Again, I don't know what they saw, but.. If they really know more about what I've done.. Well, Eiji still hates me. So even if he knows everything, he still doesn't want to forgive me. My little brother loves me so much, haha..

Eiko: Okay, fine, maybe all of this is not just some people being very passionate about roleplaying. But wow, they really did impress me with that whole "video extracting" thing! Now I want to know more. Oh, it's also supposed to be a music video, right? As I've already said, I hope one specific guard liked my voice~

I don't want to think about what they saw. It's not like I'm scared or anything, I just.. don't care. Even if they vote me guilty, I'm still gonna think that I was right. And I know I was.

Asahi: .. Just what was that? What is this place? T-this can't be real, right? They can't just.. I don't know, go through my brain and extract a fucking music video, this makes no goddamn sense! What are they gonna do next time, they're gonna do the same thing to my heart, but they will extract a whole movie instead?

Who cares about what they saw? Why is everyone so calm about this? I'm literally a child, but I know that it's impossible to do something like that!.. But if this thing can somehow make them forgive me.. Haha, maybe it's actually not that bad.

Yurika: .. I don't think something like this should be allowed. How does this place even work? Is this legal? I'm pretty sure it's not. Where did they get this technology from? I don't think someone as young as those two should be allowed to use it. Yes, I'm only two years older than the oldest guard, but still..

Fine, if this is real and this actually works, I just hope that video did a good job explaining what happened. I was the victim. The guards should know that already. But then why.. Why do I feel like they don't actually want to forgive me? What did they even see?

Riku: I don't know how this thing works and I don't want to think about it, because I care about my sanity and I don't want it to go lower. So I'll just accept it and move on~

My video, huh.. Oh, right, it was a music video too, wasn't it? Haha, well, I was the vocalist of our band, so I don't have to worry about them not liking my voice. I know my song was great and that's what matters. About what they saw.. It was that guy's fault. I'm sure they know that now. Also, if that video comes from, like, my brain.. Interesting. I see him as the guilty one and I see myself as the victim. So that means the video would most likely show exactly that, right? In my case it was definitely true, but don't you think that when it comes to some other prisoners, those videos aren't the most reliable source of info?..

Reina: Haha, well, the guards have managed to surprise even someone like me, so that's impressive! I would give them headpats as a reward, but I know the older guard wouldn't like it. But it was kinda fun, actually, I don't mind doing it again!

About the video.. Haha, I hope it wasn't too scary! I don't have much to say, but I hope they were able to see just how much of a villain I was.. Because if that's not the case and they will still vote me innocent, I will do everything that I can to make them see the truth with their own eyes.

Hi, I know that you can’t speak for the whole trans community but I was hoping I could get your thoughts on something.

I know that body dysphoria can happen across cis and trans experiences, with ‘gender dysphoria’ being a trans experience but I feel like I have double standards because while I support trans people getting surgery to help them feel comfortable in their bodies, I feel more iffy about cis people doing the same. I don’t approve of cosmetic surgery because no one shouldn’t have to conform to standards, let alone risk their lives or physical bodies, but I understand that surgeries can help people with making their lives bearable.

For example, I wouldn’t encourage a cis woman to get a larger chest because I’d assume it’s for attention but I wouldn’t care what chest size a trans woman would go for (provided it doesn’t strain her back or anything). The reasoning I’d give is because it can be dangerous for trans people to be unable to pass, but then some cis women might not pass as cis? So maybe it’s a case of giving trans people something they don’t have (like when trans men feel they should have a dick), but then trans people also get facial surgery?

I don’t know, I’d appreciate any thoughts! Hope your day is well

Like you said, this is just my opinion. But I'm a firm believer in what others decide to do with their own body is their choice. And I have no say.

That said, I think there's something to be said about social pressures when people make that choice. A difference between internal an external factors.

The point of many medical procedures is improving quality of life. Be that with a live saving operation, or an operation that has no actual danger to life if not done. For trans people who decide to, medically transitioning with hormones and surgeries improves their quality of life. It makes it easier to feel like themselves, and live as themselves.

If we lived in a society that did not have any pressure to look or act a certain way, trans people would STILL medically transition. Doing so would STILL improve their quality of life (including things not usually seen as a part of the process like facial reconstruction). This is because being trans is an internal experience. It's not influenced by outside factors (tho we react to outside factors and those reactions can help us realize we're trans).

Not all, but a lot of body dysmorphia comes from social or cultural pressures. A women wanting a bigger chest (using your example) because she has been pressured to believe she isn't enough with out it is being affected by external factors. I don't have any say in her choice, and if she wants it I will support that choice. But I do think it's important to point out that there are people who have desires to change their bodies because of the world around them. And that is indeed fucked up. It's fucked up that we as a society have pressured people into thinking they're body isn't enough as it is. That they need something more to stay valuable. They need medical procedures.

But there's no way to know their reason. That women could very well just want bigger boobs for herself. She might live alone in the middle of a deserted island where no one is around for miles but just want a bigger chest. No external factors involved. There's no way for us to know. The only person who would know is the women herself. Encourage and show that people are valuable as they are. But don't judge someone who's decided to get something done to themselves because you don't know what their reasons are.

I understand why you'd be put off by it. And I can't say I'm not also taken aback when it comes to it. But I think it's important to remember what others do with their live is their choice. And efforts would be a lot better placed in showing the people we interact with personally that we value them as they are, and encouraging those around us not to pressure each other based on looks or actions, than to sit and judge people who have decided to undergo medical procedures. Cuz that's just more pressure being put out, and it won't help anyone.

I don't really know anything about IDV, but Ada and Emil fascinate me. Can you share anything on like...who they are, why they're paired together?

Oh anon get ready because it's going to be quite long haha

Ok so quick background explanation:

-The game takes place in Victorian times

-The main character is a detective named Orpheus

-The reason why survivor characters are puppets with button eyes is (probably) because Orpheus imagines them that way

-All characters are devided into small groups and are meant to basically "play the game"

-Groups are numbered and have their own order in the timeline

-Every character is invited by being sent a letter in which they are promised something they crave at the moment

-They arrive at the manor, can't leave, can't break certain rules that are often changed depending on the group and are forced to just wait for the game to start

-We don't really know much about certain groups and identities of many test subjects are unknown

Now, knowing this, here is basically a summary of Ada's and Emil's story:

-Emil was born into dysfunctional family

-His mother struggled with mental health issues and his family was too poor to take care of him and his siblings

-They gave him up to the man who owned hounds which were used to fight in dog-fighting pit

-Emil was scolded many times for not bringing enough money, which led to the man neglected him

-One day Emil fell into the pit while dogs were fighting

-Emil survived but got traumatized and injured in the process

-The crowd seemed to be excited to see the boy fighting for his life

-The man, seeing how he can profit from this, started treating Emil as a dog, letting him fight the hounds for money

-One day, during storm, Emil got left in his crate outside which resulted in him getting sick

-The fever caused a severe memory loss and with that he ended at White Sand Street Asylum

-Ada was born into family of doctors, her father being Dr. Mesmer (someone who appears in many other character stories)

-Dr. Mesmer was considered one of the best psychologists there is and he pressured Ada to be the same as him

-From very young age Ada was forced to witness many horrible procedures done on asylum patients

-First, she did what was told

-But soon she realized everything was just torturing the patients- not helping them

-As a child Ada developed strong sense of empathy towards patients and people in general

-One day she gave some bread to a starving boy she met on the street

-It is strongly hinted that this boy was in fact Emil

-Ada's father refused to help him and it left Ada questioning his methods

-Many years later Ada found a new way to help those in need- hypnotherapy (which is not mind control)

-She secretly started experimenting on patients but to no avail- they were too weak to withstand the pain

-Once the secret got out, her funds were taken and she went to White Sand Street Asylum for an internship

-There, she saw how the asylum staff mistreated the patients

-And that way she met Emil who was diagnosed with amnesia, manic fits and severe aggressive tendencies

-Emil was closed in "the cage", isolated from other patients

-He was the only one who reacted to her hypnotherapy- it actually helped him with the pain

-But Emil was still high on medication that made him unconscious, he couldn't move or even see, he was constantly hallucinating his nightmares which damaged him even more

-Ada decided to hide away the drug nurses were using on him

-He still was in pain but he was finally conscious enough to see and understand what was going on

-He got really attached to Ada who was the only person who treated him nicely

-Ada asked him if he wanted to take meds again or let her experiment and help him through hypnotherapy

-He chose her over medicine and soon Ada's experiment begun

-Ada gave him a flower and in exchange Emil gave her a ring made from bed wire

-She asked him to teach her how to do it and soon they were both wearing their rings, falling for each other even more

-Unfortunately Ada's internship was ending so she decided to take Emil with her

-They both escaped and were on the run for many many years

-Ada taught Emil how to write and read, how to communicate with others and encouraged him to be independent

-Everything seemed to be going alright for the two but one day Emil's condition got much worse

-Strangely, an unknown man (often described as Ada's old acquaintance) found the pair, giving Ada a suitcase and promising that their visit to the manor will help Emil get better

-Now, 30 yo Ada and Emil (who's age is still unknown) joined the group 0 of the manor game.

-We still don't know what really happened to them at the manor.

If you have any more questions feel free to ask!

Also I'm curious- How did you imagined their story to be just by the fan content alone?

honestly even if you think a fetus is a person, it's not going to change the fact that a) the person carrying is also a person, and b) the fetus' personhood status doesn't change the circumstances that necessitate their/its need to stop existing. like nothing will change that.

also i feel like the personhood argument and the abortion argument are like, two separate questions? "Is a fetus a person" could easily be (and often is) yes in plenty of different cultures and religions (depending on a number of factors), but like there are situations where sometimes someone will have to die (if that's how you see abortion) and there's no avoiding it. i could go into all the different reasons why someone might want/need an abortion, but what helped me in the past really understand the pro-choicers side was not comparing it to fucking murder, because that word implies a certain level of aggravation and malice that just isnt present in a pregnancy termination. like yeah its gory, basically all medical procedures are. but its not fuckin murder.

i thought/think of it as life support. maybe the person whos in charge of the person on life support is too broke or stressed or depressed to be making decisions for someone who's that dependent. maybe they're totally prepared to pull the plug bc they know that life support efforts would be futile. maybe they're in charge of someone they never really cared about or just don't want to be responsible. like are you gonna go up to someone w no insurance and say they're a murderous bitch for taking their kid off lifesupport? is it even murder at that point? because i can see more similarities between this than like. a stranger jumping out of the bushes and stabbing someone.

also if both the pregnant person and the fetus are people, would it not make more sense to do basic triage and move in favor of the one with a higher chance of survival--this being the pregnant one--in situations of life or death. because in every single other life/death situation, people way their options like this. you save the one who's got a higher likelihood of actually having a life. in some cases, that's just not the baby.

explain to me why do you want to be a woman i really want to know why your like this???

Just gonna roll these both into one here.

For starters, I'm just gonna make a disclaimer that my experience isn't universal, and each person's interpretation of their own gender is a bit different.

Now that that's out of the way, I think I'll start with a rhetorical question. Have you ever felt like there was an aspect of your body, personality, or emotional state that no matter how much you dislike it, it won't go away unless you make drastic, radical changes to your own life? It's kind of like that. I'm not delusional I promise, I understand very well that I was born a man, but I felt no connection to my identity as one. I hate the way my genitals feel on my body, as if I have some sort of foreign or cancerous growth. Like they're not mine. I've never really cared for the traditional portrayals of "what it means to be a man" (especially because nobody agrees on it).

It's like when you were a kid, and your teachers asked what you wanted to be when you grew up. You probably conjured an image to mind of how you imagined yourself in -say- 20 years or so and who you'd define yourself as. This doesn't have to be a rigid image written in stone, since I'm gonna take a good guess and say you didn't become what you wanted to be as a five year old. Our own perception of who we are and who we want to be changes as we experience life and our environment around us shapes and moulds our feelings.

For me, since I was probably around the age of 12-13 I had an image of who I wanted to be when I was older, and it took me a lot of work to figure out why that was an image of a woman. Quite frankly, even today I don't think there's one explicit "why" for the reason I feel that way, but it's a thought that I've considered very much for the last thirteen or so years. Over time, even the image of who I wanted to be has shifted and changed, but now I'm closer to becoming who I want to be now that I've discovered who I already am.

As for the questions of biology and sex, which I'm sure are on your mind, I'd like to dispel some of the fears that (and pardon me for this) I assume you have on the matter. The issue of being trans for me both is, and isn't a sexual issue. Yes, it directly involves my primary, secondary, and tertiary sex characteristics. The problem, however, is that it's more than just being about genitals, or having sex as a woman, or getting my rocks off in girl's clothes. When I put on a dress, I don't wear it to feel turned on, I wear it to feel happy in my own skin, and I imagine wearing a man's clothes would have the inverse effect on you. I wear it to disconnect myself from the image of a person that I don't want to be.

Obviously, sex (the act, not biological) plays an important role as well, since it directly involves my genitals. I know this isn't universal, but I don't enjoy giving penetrative sex at all. I'm not afraid of getting my "axe wound" bottom surgery either, because biologically a penis and a vagina are remarkably similar in structure. All of us were initially sexless in the womb, first developing female sex characteristics, then developing male ones if the right chromosomes are present. The labia fuses to become the scrotum, the ovaries drop to form testes, and the clitoris enlarges to form a penis. The actual surgical procedures are in a sense reversing this by manipulating the tissue of a penis (for mtf, sorry, I don't know too much about ftm) to more closely resemble and function as a vagina.

I think I'm getting a little carried away with myself though. To be honest, I don't actually want to be trans, I want to be a woman and I'm taking the effort to get there. If there was a magical button I could push that would just turn me into a cis girl, I would. If there was a brand new surgery for creating an artificial womb, or transplanting one, I'd get it. I know many other trans women take pride in their transhood and don't want surgeries, want to keep their penis, don't dress femme and so on and so forth, but personally I don't want to have to live in that transient space between genders, and I certainly don't want to keep being a miserable man

Without um... rambling any further, if you have more specific questions I'd love to answer them.

Exactly. Unreported means unreported. We can’t count reports we don’t have. And if they aren’t reported how do we know they happened in the first place?

From statistics around people who seek treatment but never report to the cops. "Unreported" doesn't mean no one knows about them. It means the victim spoke anonymously to a crisis line, to a counselor who might only know her first name, to a support group he joined for substance abuse.The statistics used by RAINN are collected by asking a sample of people whether they've experienced rape or sexual assault in the past year and whether they reported it. The US DOJ also collects statistics like this for other crimes with the same surveys.

Also you just said abortion is used to cover up rape as if that’s meant to change something?

Because what you’re assuming is that if we criminalized all abortion then rapists automatically would have it harder and would not be able to have victims abort when that is not the case at all, if you look at data from other countries that have previously outlawed abortion, you would know that the birth rate doesn’t increase significantly .Meaning most women and girls instead seek or are forced to get underground abortions that are unsafe for them. And guess what? Rape would still be underreported as it is now.

Criminalizing abortion doesn’t do anything. It only increases back alley abortions, we have proof of this happening in multiple countries with extreme restrictions or complete outlawing of them.

I don’t understand how pro lifers still are beating a dead horse with this . It’s why we believe that you people actually are just pro control, because none of what you advocate for will make a difference. It will only allow more women to suffer with unsafe procedures.

If you actually want to decrease abortions, maybe advocate for better education and medical services & decreasing poverty.

From statistics around people who seek treatment but never report to the cops. "Unreported" doesn't mean no one knows about them..."

If we have statistics and they were reported anonymously, then they were reported. I never mentioned anything about reporting to the cops, specifically. So all those you are bringing up are reported assaults that we are aware of. When I say unreported I mean unreported to anyone, even anonymously. Even if they are reported to an anonymous tip line that qualifies as "reported" for these purposes. The Guttmacher Institute, who did the research and came up with the 1% number, wasn't basing their results only on women who reported their assaults to the police.

So you still have made absolutely no case as to why the 1% is inaccurate. It is the most accurate number we have at the moment and you thinking you can refute it by just saying it's not accurate is laughable.

"Also you just said abortion is used to cover up rape as if that’s meant to change something?"

Well if you actually cared about rape victims it should make you more cautious about promoting abortion for rape victims but if you don't care about them I guess it won't change anything for you.

"Because what you’re assuming is that if we criminalized all abortion then rapists automatically would have it harder and would not be able to have victims abort when that is not the case at all, if you look at data from other countries that have previously outlawed abortion, you would know that the birth rate doesn’t increase significantly. Meaning most women and girls instead seek or are forced to get underground abortions that are unsafe for them. And guess what? Rape would still be underreported as it is now."

That's actually not what I'm assuming but good try. So your solution to this underreported sexual assault issue and the fact that abortion is used to cover rape up is to leave it how it is?

All abortions are unsafe because any procedure that kills a human being is unsafe by definition. No women or girls are "forced" to get "underground" abortions. If a woman chooses to get an illegal abortion that is the opposite of being forced. She doesn't have to do that.

"Criminalizing abortion doesn’t do anything. It only increases back alley abortions, we have proof of this happening in multiple countries with extreme restrictions or complete outlawing of them."

Did you know that the majority of "back alley" abortions are performed by medical professionals? They were called back alley abortions because the woman would enter the clinic from the back door instead of the front.

But saying criminalizing abortion doesn't do anything is false. It criminalizes murdering a baby and we shouldn't have it legal just because we can't stop every case.

I mean we will never stop human trafficking so why don't we instead keep it legal and just make sure it's being done safely?

"I don’t understand how pro lifers still are beating a dead horse with this . It’s why we believe that you people actually are just pro control, because none of what you advocate for will make a difference. It will only allow more women to suffer with unsafe procedures."

We advocate and work for lots of things that will make a difference and a lot of us are active in our communities making a difference :) you are clearly living in an echo chamber and you know absolutely nothing about pro-lifers. It's like you've never even spoken to one before. Women suffer with unsafe procedures when abortion is legal because abortion is an unsafe procedure. You don't advocate for anything that helps women and you very obviously have only researched this issue from one side but at least you are reaching out to talk to someone who is pro-life so good job for doing that.

Pro-lifers aren't making women suffer by advocating to end abortion because the way we end abortion is by helping women who are seeking abortions. You guys just think we don't do anything to help them because ya’ll won't do anything except promote abortion. Which helps absolutely no one except rapists sometimes.

Dear future self... November 13, 23

I haven't written an actual update on things in a while now. I've been pretty mentally burnt out, especially emotionally with the whole Zack situation which I'm not going to touch on, so I thought I'd get another recap out. Work. Well things with Ed have still been going really well, we've downsized back down to just us two essentially as a team, things with Jordan didn't work out which is ok because he was tough to deal with and Orlando sometimes is in the background but wants to do his own thing. Ed still appreciates me hugely and encourages me a lot so things are still really great. Hoping our Funding might come through in the next week or two cause we could possibly go to Florida the last week of the month which would be awesome. GSU is kind of at a hold which has taken a lot of work off my plate. I'm in more meetings down which is great, keeps me busy but sometimes I wish I had a bit more work, but the flexibility is amazing, I really can't complain, he takes really good care of me. Things with Danny aren't good. I've been saying now for like 6 months that his company isn't going to last long, which still is true. I don't understand most of his business decisions, he's just so all over the place and brutally annoying and hard to deal with. He makes my life and work very very hard, always changing procedures etc and then micro managing when Chrystal & I have never been an issue in the 5-6 years we've been there. I already knew we shouldn't have gone into the meeting 3 weeks ago because he was in sour mood already, but I bit my tongue that meeting a lot, till he continued to push my buttons and nit pick everything so badly so I decided to comment on how he doesn't follow his own damn processes which resulted in him getting very angry and essentially raising his voice yelling at me and cut me off multiple times for the stupidest thing that also had no relevance because HE changed his stupid procedure 6 months before then. Anyways, I've been dodging him since, I guess we'll see if he ever apologizes, right now its just easy money for me to go in, do my work and leave so whatever. I finally met a new girl friend from Bumble, Sandra, last night for a drink and she's so sweet. I was super intimidated initially because shes's super pretty & would be labeled as one of those super hot fake looking girls which she's SO down to earth. We had so much more in common than I imagined, it was really wild talking about relationships, going to therapy, attachment styles, and what growing up in a narcassistic household was like. I don't think I've personally met anyone that has had a "worse" story than I have, people have always looked at me funny when I say things I dealt with growing up because no one could relate, but she definitely topped mine and it was baffling. She's really strong and knows her worth now which is incredible to see what she came from and who she was. She's really sweet and we had a great time so I'm really happy to be adding her to my circle, hopefully someone I can grow with over the years. It was mine & Ambers 1 year anniversary yesterday, she did remember which was nice as she's in Dominican right now. Man I just can't say enough how much I love that girl though, she's really my little soul mate. It's nice to have some other girls though cause sometimes I feel like she can't really relate to my relationship issues because she's been with Naythan forever, which is amazing but just sometimes hard for me to talk about with her so thats why it was so nice to connect with Sandra. Things are good with Sasha still as well, had a nice dinner out a week ago with her an Shruti & we're going to the grape escape this weekend together which should be fun. I definitely have got some really good girls around me that I'm really thankful for, our relationships are really growing and strengthening and I couldn't be more grateful.

120322 - Mid-ness

Might fuck around and use this blog for blogging.

So during my surprisingly okay Thanksgiving, I was reminded that my dad was still thinking about what I said regarding gender confirmation surgery. Though, it was kind of a mixed answer.

On one hand, I'm glad he's actually thinking about it and not immediately recoiling at the idea of me getting elective surgery to permanently change the shape of my body.

On the other, his idea is to talk to "an expert on this sort of thing" so he can get all the facts about the procedure. And the good thing is he's turning to my queer, pro-trans aunt for guidance on this to find resources.

At the same time it's a bit disappointing, I've told him he can ask me anything about this procedure, why I want it, the research I've done, but he doesn't want to go to me with those questions.

I do understand though that it's somewhat of an emotionally-charged topic, and I respect that he is recognizing that he might not be able to hear what I have to say.

Though that always feels kind of sore realizing that a parent won't listen to you no matter how might experience and research you've put in to explaining this.

It just feels like I'm being treated like a kid despite the fact that I am an adult who pays taxes and science is literally what I do for a job.

Though I am still on his health insurance so I will have to concede some things.

I think it was also not great combining with the multiple times my mom referred to me as "too sensitive" and remarked on how emotionally sensitive I was. Yet she also insisted that we have an adult relationship now?

And weirdly enough...some part of it was comforting. Being fretted over and what not. I don't always feel like I am a full adult or capable of taking care of my life...sometimes it's comforting to be treated like a kid even though it's frustrating and leads to more hurt later on.

Ugh, but at the same time, I know I am capable of living on my own and taking care of myself. It's just this script/narrative of helplessness that I feed myself that I'm too ill, too distracted, and yes, too sensitive to truly thrive on my own. And this coddling reinforces that narrative.

But I have to remind myself that my parents show care in ways I don't always recognize, and that their goal isn't to make me dependent on them. They're not masterminds, they're just people. And human interaction is messy because everyone is operating on their own assumptions and ideals.

--

But on a different note, my dad is in the hospital this weekend getting his heart tested. It's a precautionary thing because of some concerning swelling, but it still is a bit scary. I hope he's doing okay.

I don't think my dad handles his own mortality very well or the fragility of human existence. But it's not up to me to explore that with him, he really should just see a therapist. It is not my job to fix my parents, it never was.

But I do care a lot about him, I just need to care about him in like...a healthy way, a healthy amount of care. My mom is completely capable of having those conversations with my dad...at least I hope so.

Surface Changes

Chapter 6

Masterpost - ao3 - previous chapter - next chapter

warnings: none

No. It couldn't be.

"No, this is not Virgil." Logan tried to keep his voice calm, "Who is this?"

There was a pause, the person on the other side of the wall clearly not expecting his response. As the silence dragged on, Logan had a sinking feeling he knew who he had found.

"This is Janus, isn't it? Or Remus?" He knew he wasn't doing a very good job hiding the dread in his voice, but after hearing about the two of them from Virgil, he had desperately hoped to find them and let them know their friend was safe. He was just hoping he wouldn't discover them in this way.

"...Who's asking? Why do you care?" The voice snapped back, defensive.

Logan supposed he couldn't blame them, after all, when a total stranger is asking you their name after being locked in a torture facility for an undetermined amount of time, of course, you would be skeptical.

"I know Virgil," he began, the shocked silence on the other side of the wall speaking louder than words ever could. "He's safe. You don't need to worry about him."

"Oh trust me," the voice said sarcastically, "we weren't worried. He escaped and left us here, and managed to drag you into this mess as well."

Logan was taken aback. From the way Virgil talked about the two, he clearly looked up to them and had just wanted them in safety as well. Clearly, though, that's not what these two understood from Virgil's actions.

He decided to approach with what he knew best. Cold, hard, facts. If he could explain where he was from and why he was here, the voice would most likely understand.

"I'm a field agent with the TSS, The Sanders Society, we deal with the supernatural and magical. Virgil came to us after escaping from here and told us about this place and about the two of you. He asked us to help you escape. I volunteered to come scope the place out and try and find the two of you, but I was caught and...well, I'm sure you know what the Dragon Witch does to those she discovers."

Again, silence from beyond the wall. Although, this time Logan got the sense it was contemplative. He could hear noises from beyond the wall, presumably whoever was in the cell next to his talking to the next one over, but he couldn't make out their words. After a moment, a quiet voice asked:

"She changed you too? What animal, what features?"

"Raven. Wings, talons, eyes. What about the two of you? I'm not actually sure who I've been talking to, so some clarification there would also be appreciated."

"Oh, of course. You've been talking to me, Janus. Remus is on the other side of me. You're currently in Virgil's old cell, he was never quite as close to Remus since it was hard for the two of them to communicate, I am, or was, mostly the middle man for us all to chat. I'm merged with a snake, python to be specific. Scales, fangs and eye, all on one side of my body. The other is completely fine. Strange, huh? Remus got an octopus, he's got a couple of tentacles, not as many as an actual octopus, four or so. Besides that I'm not totally sure of all his specific features, seeing as we've never seen one another before."

Even knowing that was probably the case, the information still took Logan by surprise. Three people, who had never seen one another, still managed to have such a close bond and cared so much about each other's safety.

Logan cleared his throat.

"Well, Janus, and Remus by extension I suppose, it's been quite nice to meet you, though I wish they were under better circumstances."

"Indeed."

-

Roman slammed his fist on the table.

"I don't care that it's not proper procedure! It's been days without any word from Logan, something has got to be wrong!"

Thomas had called him, Virgil, Patton, and some other higher-ups to discuss the Dragon Witch and Logan's mission. No one had heard from him since the day he left for the mission, nearly a week prior, and they were starting to get worried. While Roman and Patton were desperate to get out onto the field and find their partner, some of the higher-ups were insistent that they could do nothing, unless a distress signal had been sent, or two weeks had passed with no communication.

"It's the proper procedure," they argued, waving the agency's handbook in the air, "after all, perhaps he's been wildly successful, and reaching out would end in his capture."

Roman wanted to take the handbook out of their hands and smack their smug faces. This wasn't some random, low-stakes case where the agent would walk away with nothing but a broken leg (he scowled down at his own cast, the healing process sped up by some of the magical medics in the agency). They had seen what the Dragon Witch did to those she found, Virgil wasn't born with spider legs and cuts all over him, they were done to him, by cold-hearted people that had no sense of morality. And that was why Roman was scared for Logan. No matter what, the Logan that returned (if Logan returned, he thought grimly, before quickly banishing the thought from his head) would be a much different Logan than the one who had left for the mission all those days ago.

As all the higher-ups and Mr. Sanders quietly argued, and Patton and Virgil sat there silently, Roman decided he had had enough. He stood up, drawing attention to himself, before announcing:

"I don't care what you all decide, I'm going to go find Logan for myself."

He stormed out of Mr. Sanders' office, slamming the door to shocked faces. Almost immediately, the door opened again, Patton and Virgil exiting the tense meeting space. Roman held up a hand.

"Whatever you two want to say, drop it, nothing you say will convince me to let this go. Logan needs our help, I can feel it."

Patton took his hand gently.

"We weren't going to stop you, Roman. We want to help."

"I-what?"

Patton laughed softly, the most genuine he had sounded in days. The three of them had grown tenser as each day without contact went by, but they were slowly letting that go.

"You think you could do this by yourself? Roman, be realistic. You've just broken your leg, and just because the magic healers were able to speed up the process by a few weeks doesn't mean it's all better, it's still weak. Besides, you don't think I'm not worried too? Logan was my friend, Roman. Just because you guys were field partners doesn't mean you're the only one who cares about him."

Roman stared at Patton for a moment, before nodding slowly. Patton grinned.

"Perfect! We'll go get ready then. Come on, Virge!"

"Woah Woah Woah, I never said he could come."

Patton looked him up and down before meeting his eyes.

"And why shouldn't he be able to come? He wants to."

Roman sputtered.

"Because he, he doesn't even know Logan! Why the hell would he care what happens to him? No one else here seems to!"

Patton opened his mouth to retort, but Virgil stopped him, shaking his head slightly. He walked forwards, until he was directly in front of Roman, his piercing eyes meeting Roman's confused and hurt ones.

"He's there to save my friends," the spider-infused man began, "it's only fair I help his friends in return."

Roman softened. As the week passed, Virgil seemed to come out of his shell a bit. While still skittish and often quiet, he was more comfortable in the agency, and more specifically in Patton and Roman's presence. They didn't know if it was because Logan was helping his friends, or because they had been kind to him right from the start, but the traumatized man tried to stick by their sides whenever possible.

Roman clapped his hands, startling Patton and Virgil who looked at him with uncertainty.

"Well then," he said, "let's get a move on. We have a rescue to plan, after all!"

The two of them grinned, sagging with relief. They rushed off to pack their things. Once they had left, Roman closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

He really hoped Logan was okay. Because if anyone had caused him any harm, there would be hell to pay.

Abortion in 1987

My junior year in high school I met a young man from a rival school during a New Year's Eve lock-in at a roller-skating rink. This is about what happened about 8 months later, just before my senior year.

Since I had a steady boyfriend, I started on "The Pill". My mother knew I was having sex with him and supported my decision to use birth control. At the time I was not living with her, so I went to Planned Parenthood. Although I could not have afforded them full price, PP allowed me to purchase them on a sliding scale. It worked well for months; however, as time passed I started to get a little sloppy about taking my pill on time every day. Some nights I'd forget altogether, and the next morning I'd swallow the previous night's pill with a prayer that this one time wouldn't be the one that got me pregnant. One month at the end of the summer, my period didn't show.

I was anxious about getting pregnant, so I got a home pregnancy test as soon as I was a week late. The next morning, I peed on the stick. One line was negative, two lines... yes, the two lines right there on the stick... that meant positive. I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, the one I was "in love" with. He meant the world to me, and would be my rock. Since my menses were normally very regular, I was pretty sure there was no mistake, but before being able to do anything, I would need a doctor's confirmation anyway. Back to Planned Parenthood I went, where they were able to verify the results, again at a price even a high school student in the 'burbs could afford.

The fact that this doctor's visit, and the potentially life-changing nature of it, seemed so routine that, years after, I've nearly forgotten it, is a testament to the professionalism of the care I received at that clinic. Everything was calm that day. The anxiety of deliberation all came afterward.

I told my parents. Being a pregnant teenager is scary, but I had two parents who loved me, and a mother who told me she'd support whatever decision I made.

She very much wanted me to be able to follow my own heart and mind about this, and I admire and appreciate that. I knew the history of abortion in the USA, had seen Dirty Dancing, I knew other times and other families had provided neither the freedom nor support that mine did. I was, and am, grateful for that.

But to no fault of theirs, I was not able to freely choose what to do with my body - whether to use it to continue growing this other human, or have the procedure that would end my pregnancy. My choice was smashed to pieces by my "rock".

For, while I was weighing the options - whether my family, my education and means, had room for an infant at this time... whether I was strong enough to carry a baby to term only to give it up to an adoptive family to care for it beyond my ability... whether to terminate the pregnancy and carry on with life's plans (such as they were) as if I'd never been pregnant... my boyfriend was thinking about his future career in the military.

His only ambition his entire life was to be part of an elite military unit such as the US Special Forces (the Green Berets) or what he saw as their modern equivalent, the Airborne Infantry. He was already a career Boy Scout, and an Eagle Scout, something he took great pride in. He'd talked to recruiters and was ready to enlist as soon as he graduated. And he saw my pregnancy as a threat to that.

At least, that's what he told me. I really can't understand his reasoning now... and I'm not sure I even seriously questioned it then. When I told him that I was considering adoption instead of abortion, he refused to even consider it. He couldn't stand the thought of "his" child being "somewhere out there" ...raised by someone else. He told me that if I did not have an abortion, I would never see him again.

There's a lot of hurt behind that statement... hurt that actually has nothing to do with him. Because while he had plans for a career after high school, I did not. I had vague ideas about what I wanted to do... I wanted to be artistic. I wanted to paint and write... but beyond that... I had no idea. I certainly didn't have plans for university... I didn't have the money to pay for it myself and I didn't have the grades or extra-curricular activities to get me a scholarship.

I knew I wasn't cut out for the military. I lacked the discipline and the physical fitness for that kind of life, whatever the film STRIPES made it out to be. So that left ...what? Becoming someone's domestic help? Being a grocery checkout clerk? Becoming a ...housewife? And with graduation looming ahead, I knew my days as a carefree teen were numbered. My mother had said so, jokingly, a few years before. I took it way too literally and way too personally. Mom had quipped about my dad's brother living in his parents' house in his 30's... "When you turn 18, you're on your own, kiddo." She didn't mean it. Hell, she wasn't even really talking about me at all! It was about her ex-brother-in-law, but I didn't realize that at 14 and I didn't realize it at 17. And so it went until that day... My self-esteem defining me through my romantic partnerships, never as the hero of my own story. So when he said my pregnancy threatened his future, and said he'd walk if I didn't terminate, I saw my future, the only future I could envision, endangered. I saw this pregnancy as a threat to the marriage I expected and all the children he and I might have in the future.

When I told my mom about my decision to terminate, I didn't tell her why. She took it calmly, but told me years later that she had been hoping I would choose differently. She offered to be there for me, she paid for part of it, and my boyfriend paid the rest. She drove me there and took me home after.

The Planned Parenthood in Beaverton did not perform abortions, and they referred me to a clinic in Northwest Portland, close to downtown. I had to make one appointment for "counseling" in which I had to lie and say that nobody was forcing me to get an abortion, and then I could set the appointment for the procedure.

I suppose that, in my mind, it wasn't really a lie. If I had been a stronger personality at the time, I could have refused to abort the pregnancy and sued him for child support... I never think about this event without a list of "what-ifs" as long as my arm.

I remember it as quiet, clean, with a neutral palette. I don't remember any of the other young women. It was the most normal thing really... just a trip to the doctor... just an "outpatient procedure". The table, the stirrups, the speculum... just like any gynecological visit I'd ever been to. I didn't pay much attention to the aspirator (the machine that provides the suction) and just focused on breathing slowly and staying relaxed. I was given local anesthetic and it was over very quickly.

I remember waiting in the recovery room for my mom to take me home, and I was relieved that it was over with. I was sorry that I had felt the need to do it, and I remember even apologizing to the fetus. I had already started believing in reincarnation as a teenager, and hoped that in the future, the same spirit might grow within another body that mine would build, when I was ready to have children. This was just not that time.

What followed the next week was pretty much what I usually went through during my period. Cramps, bleeding, and then... life went on.

I do want to write about that arms-length list of "what-ifs"... but this post, this blog, is not about what could have happened. It's about what did happen. And what did happen was not nearly as traumatic as some would have you expect.

It didn't result in any more depression than I was already experiencing due to undiagnosed chronic conditions. It's far more truthful to say that my depression led to needing an abortion than that my abortion caused depression.

I was not wracked with guilt afterward... although years later when I went through a Christian conversion experience I did feel a sort of guilt about not feeling guilty...

One out of four women in the USA have an abortion at some point in their lives. The reasons they list for having one are usually complex, involving multiple facets of their life; most often some intersection of emotional and financial stability. My story is not rare. It's common. It's normal.

It's okay.

For more information about the effect of unwanted pregnancy and abortion on the women who experience it, I recommend reading The Turnaway Study.

How do I deal with being unattractive? Not like "I'm ugly (but I'm actually pretty)" but knowing you just don't catch people's eyes and your looks don't stand out. I know I'm like this because both of my friends are conventionally attractive and wherever we go they get looks, hit on, and on dating apps they constantly get matches and significant numbers of people wanting to sleep with them, whereas I get ignored or ghosted by people online and offline. I don't even really want to sleep with anyone, I just feel bad because I know I'm not beautiful and I'll never be the beautiful person but I want to move past it and forget my looks even exist tbh. Do you have any advice?

There's a lot to unpack when talking about beauty. I think typically the response to someone feeling unattractive is either denial of the person's feelings ("but you are pretty!"), a fallback on useless platitudes ("Everyone is beautiful!"), or a dismissal of beauty as something that holds value ("why do you care if you're pretty? That's so vain, there are more important things in life" or "beauty standards are just social constructs").

To a degree, I understand why people would say things like that. Many people who don't feel beautiful are still attractive to others. The beauty standards we hold are frequently xenophobic, racist, colorist, homophobic, transphobic, ageist, and ableist. There are all sorts of things that are more important than being beautiful, like the quality of a person's character or the contributions they've made to the world around them.

But I don't think those responses make the experience of being unattractive or unremarkable but wanting to be beautiful any easier. We can cognitively understand that the standards of beauty we're held to are problematic while still wanting to be beautiful. So what's the solution? I think there are probably a few different options that need to work together.

First, there are external ways to become attractive. There's the obvious, like finding makeup looks that make you feel pretty (or attract other people to you), or finding clothing styles that really suit your body, or, at the more extreme end, getting cosmetic procedures done to change how you look. I recognize that this is a bit of a problematic suggestion given that we're all supposed to learn to love ourselves the way we are and never put any effort into "improving" our appearance, and I feel a kind of kneejerk reaction of guilt for moving away from that. But fashion and cosmetics are such giant industries for a reason; they make people feel more beautiful. And in a world that insists on beauty, I don't think there's anything wrong with using the tools available to us to feel more beautiful.

As an extension of the physical, or perhaps, as an alternative, you could focus on style instead of beauty. This idea of style as an alternative to beauty is one that I was introduced to through a Contrapoints video where Natalie discusses her own relationship to beauty. In it, she talks about how a person can be stylish at any age, regardless of if your physical appearance is conventionally attractive. It's a way to cultivate a personal visual aesthetic for yourself, one that lets people know who you are without having to conform to beauty standards. Style is a way to stand out and to be seen, beauty or not.

Which, in a roundabout kind of way, brings me to my second point- the internal. Oftentimes, I think we approach physical attractiveness as if it's a purely physical trait, but that's not really the case. Think about the women who are consistently voted as "the most attractive woman alive". They're not usually the blonde, baby faced lingerie models that we (culturally) think of as the pinnacles of beauty. They're typically actresses. And sure, they're physically beautiful, at least, after the cosmetic surgeons, makeup artists, stylists, hairdressers, and photo editors have done their jobs (you would be surprised how many celebrities aren't naturally beautiful).

But more than being physically attractive, they're charismatic. It may sound cliched or a bit mumsy, but I really do think that we're attracted to confidence and charisma more than we are to how a person physically looks. And that's why style works; it's a physical expression of confidence in yourself, a visual expression of charisma.

So, okay, then, how do we build charisma? MacArthur “genius” psychologist Angela Duckworth says that charisma basically boils down to communicating, “I like you and I like me/the world likes me”. If you want to communicate that you like someone else, eye contact, saying their name in conversation, and being interested in them and what they’re saying are all easy ways to do it. Communicating, “I like me” or “the world likes me” is more complicated, and it’s really where confidence comes into play.  Smiling, not being self-deprecating, and holding yourself in a way that communicates confidence (open and with good posture) are all part of that. But to truly like yourself, you need to start building your self-confidence.

Building self-confidence is a process, but I would start with a simple exercise. Every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say some things you like about yourself.  Focus on those things that you like and try to only focus on those things.  Each day, try to add a new thing to the list.  When you’re out and about, remember those things that you like about yourself, focus on them, and try to draw attention to them.  When other people compliment you, add those to your list as well.  I think eventually by recognizing all of the things that you like about yourself, you’ll be able to feel like there are things about you that you can be confident in, and you won’t focus so much on the things that you feel are negative. These don't have to be just physical attributes; include things about your personality and your relationship to world as well.

Another thing you can try is looking for celebrities who you find beautiful who have similar traits to the ones you dislike in yourself. It can be hard to appreciate our own traits or see them as beautiful, but sometimes seeing them on someone else can help us to realize that actually, they can be really pretty.

Finally (and sorry this has been so long, there really was a lot to talk about here), it's okay to totally move past how you look and to adopt a policy of body neutrality. You don't owe anyone physical beauty. You can live a fulfilled life without being attractive. Your body is capable of doing all sorts of things that allow you to engage with the world, and that is more than enough. Practicing body neutrality may include things like being grateful that your legs allow you to walk from point A to B, or that your arms allow you to hug your loved ones, or that your lungs allow you to breathe. It may look like wearing clothes that are comfortable for you instead of focusing on how they look. It may look like caring for your body because regardless of how you feel about it, it's the only one you have. It may be focusing on your passions and goals and appreciating how your body allows you to achieve them. It's okay to not want to engage with beauty as a concept.