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#i didnt realize how big my backlog was
gaiatan · 1 year
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eirian · 2 days
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hiiii my break is over :3 i got what i needed out of it even if it didnt end up being a full week. also, ive Learned Some Things that i will now share
so basically i realized i REALLY needed this break, and i didnt know how badly i needed it until i took it. i was addicted to socmed so bad i was dependent on it. but w the break i realized i rly dont Need to be on socmed 24/7 to be happy (which should be obvious but...ya. things like that arent rly obvious until ur faced w them i guess)
i didnt draw as much as i thought i would--in fact i hardly drew at all? which surprised me. but what surprised me even more is that i DIDNT FEEL BAD about it.
usually when i dont draw a lot every day i get super depressed. but i realized that was bc i felt an expectation and a pressure to draw stuff to post to socmed, and if i wasnt "producing" then i was wasting time. but this week i just drew when i felt like it, when i wanted to, and i didnt feel bad at all when i didnt feel like drawing. it was..a big relief LOL
i also got to spend more time w my wife and that felt amazing in itself. we talked way more, had great conversations, and just generally bonded. i loved it
i realized i didnt need huge servers + socmed for all my socialization all the time. tbh? eden is enough 99% of the time. which is. how it should be i think LOL
but ya. going forward im going to be a little less active on socmed still. its great for my mental health and i hate the idea of relying on socmed for everything anymore. of course i'll still be somewhat active and post stuff, but not nearly to the degree i felt i needed to be! im going to feel free to just, close twitter and tumblr tabs when i feel like it. before, i NEVER closed those tabs. ever. and that was a bad sign lol
thank u all for ur patience <3 im gonna post a small backlog of Thangs ive been drawing soon!
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ofgeography · 5 years
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1)whichever 2)conGRATS on yr move u bold & powerful queen 3)i didnt realize til poking around on yr blog just now that i got the Best Thing game from u but molly i have to tell u that that game got me & my best friend thru some really difficult times in college when Big Life Things were happening for both of us & we had to keep trying to be normal committed students. in those really shitty hopeless-feeling moments we would turn to each other & say "best thing?" & in 5 mins wed be laughing again.
anyway i just wanna say thank u. for being u, for sharing yr stories. its really cool to me that i have all of these memories that i created because of something i read on yr blog a bunch of years ago. not to b sappy as f*ck but like u have a lot of light inside u dude & it radiates out through yr work. clearly, bc it touched me, & i carried it out into my world. so again, thank u. i hope london is hilarious & beautiful & surprising & expansive
everything is fine and i am not crying alone in my apartment at 10:30 in the morning!!!!! this is such a kind and gentle thing to say, and i’m so so so glad that The Best Thing That Could Happen game has been as good for you as it always is for me. i got that game from my friend annie when we were working in a job that we both hated, and we’d pass whole days playing it. we haven’t seen each other in a while but she is one of my favorite people on the planet and i’m really grateful that i got to know that she exists. 
a n y w a y, not to ALSO be sappy as f*ck but this blog my early twenties was something that brought me a lot of joy and pride (not that it doesn’t anymore! just, you know, my like, 15 minutes have kind of passed, i think) and such a big part of that was the way that i felt like i got to connect with such a broad range of people. i don’t think i always gave the best advice or wrote the funniest stories or, you know, was the #wokest, or whatever, i’m sure i made a lot of mistakes and continue to make very many mistakes, but being “known online” only works if it’s a two-way street, in some way, where you are making something and people are giving something back, because otherwise it’s this weird parasocial thing that i think is just, so so so so unhealthy for all involved (INFLUENCER CULTURE I’M TALKING ABOUT INFLUENCER CULTURE). 
MY POINT IS, god this exact kind of tangenty nonsense is why i can never have a real youtube channel, i am indescribably glad that it felt like we were exchanging something!! i hope sometimes it still does!! i get a lot from you guys -- i read all your tags, all your reblogs, all your @ mentions, all your messages (even though i know i am SO terrible at responding to them, i’m sorry, it’s that i want to respond individually and thoughtfully but i don’t always have time and then the unanswered ones get so overwhelming and there’s such a backlog rn because this year was ... So Hard oh my god) -- and i guess all of this is my long-winded way of saying that i don’t think i’d be me today if it weren’t for the way my little tiny corner of the internet treated me when it was looking at me. 
so like -- thanks. that’s all i’m trying to say.
(this is why it takes me so long to answer messages look how long this is just say tHANKS AND WALK AWAY MOLLY)
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poopymancer · 6 years
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Thinkin on the shitter and in the bath tub (about neurons and personalities) 5/11/18
So i noticed how i can interupt my loudest train of thought with mouth noises and think im not thinking about anything, until i realize im thinkimg about thinking about nothing in a quiter train in the back. I think each train comes from a different neuron group, and depending on how important i find it, and/or maybe i think it needs more conscious processing power, the quiter train thoughts can be moved up to the core language processing neuron group where it gets the most attention. Information from lower level neuron groups move to my core conscious train of thought if its deemed "worth my attention," in this case "me" is my loudest train of thought. Theres another dimension to the hierarchy of neuron groups, personalities. The neurons associated with each of your personalities are all in their own neuron groups, and thier importance level (based on urgency, if it affects your ability to survive, and what ever your core virtues are i guess) kinda determines how strong of an influence they have in your thought trains. If their IL (importance level) is real low like 0 to a lil bit, then they wont really communicate with your language neurons much/at all, and they wont have a voice at all, or maybe a real quiet one every once in a while. If their IP is medium to high, then they'll kinda swap between quiet and loud, letting other high IL personalities take turns. Oh yah! I didnt explain my understanding of personalities here yet. Basically i see our minds made up of millions of micropersonalities, each one cares about one thing, like do i need to pee right now, am i hungry, is that thing silly?(if yes then its IL would be high for me, cause i like silly things) do i wanna smoke some weed? Am i in a sketchy situation? Each of these micropersonalities (pretty much like 1 to 20 neurons each maybe? Not quite sure how much one neuron can do) talk to each other, and a lot of them that i guess have a medium to high IL quite often will talk to each other a lot, and form what most would call a personality. I guess the sketchy situation one would be a little bit bigger of a personality than do i need to pee. It would be made of a bunch of neurons thinkin about awareness, what you think is sketchy, i dunno. Ex. You are in a dark alley, a neuron that thinks "if in dark alley, increase IL for the 'is this sketchy' neurons" and trigger fear response and I cant think of a better way to say 'feel more on edge.' Some real big personalities for me are the ones connected to my core virtues. The neurons i paid a lot of attention to and had high ILs pretty often spent a lot of time talking with my loudest train of thought, and my language center was able to connect them to a name, solidifying their importance to my whole neural network. Btw my core virtues are: Appreciation Friendship Respect Authenticity Willingness Discapline (fuck just realized how close discapline is to willingness. I think theyre different steps tho, willingness to go do the scary things that are difficult and challenging and new with curiosity, and discapline to maintain your virtuous habits and keep your comfortable habits in check) Creation Learning Conscious meditation Unconscious habit Balance Adventure Sexuality Humor( i gave em all sigils and i made this one look kinda like a penis cause i thought it appropriate lol) Freedom Kindness Mindfulness Fuck i had a lot of trouble remembering the last few, and i can not fucking remember the last one. Im still in the process of embedding these virtues, im making a mnemonic device with sigils for each one to help me remember. Ill go look at my notebook to find the last one when i get out of the bath. stream of consciousness writing is real fun, i think imma start posting these on tumblr more. I have a huge backlog to post. If any of yall are interested by any of this nonsense then hit me up in those DMs and we can chat about it. I appreciate you reading this, and i love you if you thought it was interesting. Have a good day, i need to finish bathing and go the fuck to sleep, its 3:45. Goodnight everybody (or just sweetarts, you were my only note last time lol) P.S. while my head was underwater i noticed a pretty definite line where the blueish light through my eyelids stops and the darkness of the inside of my skull begins. Also i was listening to comedy bang bang and i thought about how nice their constant attempts at jokes are. Like me and Daniel usually try to tell jokes at every oppurtunity we see, even when we know its a terrible obvious one. We say it anyway because the way its delivered and the awareness of it being silly and dumb makes it funny anyway. I think we also appreciate the exercising of our comedy muscle as often as possible, cause its fun. Its not as fun to filter everything you think "isnt funny enough" out of your speech. Throw everything you get, some of it will stick, some of it will just thud and fall in a garbage can, which is funny in its own way. Some of it will bounce back at you and it'll hurt, thats dark comedy, still funny. P.S.S. oh it was imagination! I guess i need to work on that one more so i remember it. Its 4:34 and i think im a bit nauseous because of how tired my body is? Im goin to sleep for real this time, goodnight!
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pbandjesse · 7 years
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I just got out of a bath. Because I am addicted to bathes?? Love them. It was very warm out today and I really needed it to cool down. Today was good though. I’m still a bit full of nervous energy but I filled today with activity. Even if I mostly ran out of things to do by noon. I slept okay. I woke up at 8 and got dressed. Felt real cute. Highlighter looked great. Had a very good peach for breakfast. And biked to the dermatologists office. I made a wrong turn somehow but I had given myself extra time so it didn’t matter. I got called back and we went over all concerns. I had made a list but it was on my other phone and I didnt move that over apparently. So that sucks. Thankfully I didn’t really use that note pad much. But we went over everything. She said she would help me with my prescriptions until I find a new person. And then I requested that she cut my mole off. Its been bothering me all summer and ive just been really unhappy about it. She said that was no problem and she could shave it down. I was hoping she would like cut it all the way off into my chin but that’s not how they do it. So she numbed my face and cut it off and cauterized it. Scary! She told me they will test it too but she doesn’t think it’s anything. Just in case. I left there with a bandaid on my face. Which I didn’t like but whatever. I’m going to do my best to take care of it So it heals nice. I biked over to mcad. I was going to bother Don but he wasn’t there. Or at least wasn’t in the shop. I ran into Icy, who had let me store my thesis work in her studio all summer and I let her know I would be out of there soon. She’s being so gracious about it. I picked up a few of the empty boxes I had put back there and then went home. It was difficult to figure out how to carry 3 but boxes on my bike but eventually I figured that out. I got home and made lunch. As I was scheduling my internet over to my new place I realized my dad’s birthday is tomorrow. Not in October which my brain had told me. I texted him and he called me and we talked for a bit. I will take him on a day trip somewhere after I move to make it up to him. After I finished setting up the internet stuff, which I was able to get them to knock off $10 a month, I emailed Don. We are going to go to the sculpture park tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. I sort of laid around. Watched Sweetp play with the boxes. I eventually fell asleep. I woke up at 2 and was very confused. I thought it was morning and had missed the staff meeting at artrageous and was very distressed. But it was still early afternoon and everything was okay. Amanda had texted me and asked my favorite color and book and candy. She wanted to make nice for me tonight and I really appreciated it. I started pulling down my decorations and I took down all the small ones and started working on the fridge stuff as well. Its sad in here now. There’s still a bit of stuff but still it looks weird without the stuff. I packed some kitchen stuff and I’m glad I still have boxes because it’s going to take more then I anticipated for the kitchen. Annoying. I felt a lot of nervous energy and I wanted to leave. I was texting with Jess and she let me j is she was approved for her new apartment and I’m so excited for her. She’s going to send me the measurments so I can draw her up a floor plan like I did for mine. And that helped waste some time but I still left before 6. I got to the Kenwood area where artrageous is way to early. So I sat on the lake. I actually ran into jay, mcads president. Which was funny because he saw me not the other way around. We said hi but I had to get over to the studio. It was a nice night. Amanda had snacks all nicely set up for us. We played ice breaker games and just some general stuff stuff. We drew pictures of who we were and stuff we liked. Then put them in a bucket and tried to guess who was who. It was just a whole lot of fun. I’m sad to be leaving them. They have a lot of cool stuff coming up. Including a camping trip! Very jealous. Amanda had tried really hard to find me my favorite candy but I said zours and they are really hard to find. Apparently she went to 3 stores. She got me sour mike and ikes. Which are the same thing and so I was happy and she was happy. She also had the kids make me a card and got me a gift card for the good bookstore. I’m very happy. I’m so glad I got to work there this summer and I’m glad I could be a big help. We got done there by 8. And I biked home. Its been a while since I needed to bike in the dark. I need to reposition my front light because it’s sort of pointing up and so I can’t see the ground and I’m afraid I’m going to hit a pot hole. But I got home in one piece. I had my bath and now I’m just listening to the adventure zone. I’m past the halfway point of the backlog of episodes. So that’s neat. Haven’t really listened to anything else in a while. So much to listen to, so little time. I have some stuff I need to do in the morning. Errunds. And then I’m going to the sculpture park with Don! I hope he doesn’t have to cancel. But he can be so busy so well see. If he can’t go I will keep packing the kitchen. Now though I’m going to go to bed. I hope you all sleep well tonight. And dad happy birthday because I’m pretty sure you’ll read this in the morning. Good night everyone
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