hiiii my break is over :3 i got what i needed out of it even if it didnt end up being a full week. also, ive Learned Some Things that i will now share
so basically i realized i REALLY needed this break, and i didnt know how badly i needed it until i took it. i was addicted to socmed so bad i was dependent on it. but w the break i realized i rly dont Need to be on socmed 24/7 to be happy (which should be obvious but...ya. things like that arent rly obvious until ur faced w them i guess)
i didnt draw as much as i thought i would--in fact i hardly drew at all? which surprised me. but what surprised me even more is that i DIDNT FEEL BAD about it.
usually when i dont draw a lot every day i get super depressed. but i realized that was bc i felt an expectation and a pressure to draw stuff to post to socmed, and if i wasnt "producing" then i was wasting time. but this week i just drew when i felt like it, when i wanted to, and i didnt feel bad at all when i didnt feel like drawing. it was..a big relief LOL
i also got to spend more time w my wife and that felt amazing in itself. we talked way more, had great conversations, and just generally bonded. i loved it
i realized i didnt need huge servers + socmed for all my socialization all the time. tbh? eden is enough 99% of the time. which is. how it should be i think LOL
but ya. going forward im going to be a little less active on socmed still. its great for my mental health and i hate the idea of relying on socmed for everything anymore. of course i'll still be somewhat active and post stuff, but not nearly to the degree i felt i needed to be! im going to feel free to just, close twitter and tumblr tabs when i feel like it. before, i NEVER closed those tabs. ever. and that was a bad sign lol
thank u all for ur patience <3 im gonna post a small backlog of Thangs ive been drawing soon!
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1)whichever 2)conGRATS on yr move u bold & powerful queen 3)i didnt realize til poking around on yr blog just now that i got the Best Thing game from u but molly i have to tell u that that game got me & my best friend thru some really difficult times in college when Big Life Things were happening for both of us & we had to keep trying to be normal committed students. in those really shitty hopeless-feeling moments we would turn to each other & say "best thing?" & in 5 mins wed be laughing again.
anyway i just wanna say thank u. for being u, for sharing yr stories. its really cool to me that i have all of these memories that i created because of something i read on yr blog a bunch of years ago. not to b sappy as f*ck but like u have a lot of light inside u dude & it radiates out through yr work. clearly, bc it touched me, & i carried it out into my world. so again, thank u. i hope london is hilarious & beautiful & surprising & expansive
everything is fine and i am not crying alone in my apartment at 10:30 in the morning!!!!! this is such a kind and gentle thing to say, and i’m so so so glad that The Best Thing That Could Happen game has been as good for you as it always is for me. i got that game from my friend annie when we were working in a job that we both hated, and we’d pass whole days playing it. we haven’t seen each other in a while but she is one of my favorite people on the planet and i’m really grateful that i got to know that she exists.
a n y w a y, not to ALSO be sappy as f*ck but this blog my early twenties was something that brought me a lot of joy and pride (not that it doesn’t anymore! just, you know, my like, 15 minutes have kind of passed, i think) and such a big part of that was the way that i felt like i got to connect with such a broad range of people. i don’t think i always gave the best advice or wrote the funniest stories or, you know, was the #wokest, or whatever, i’m sure i made a lot of mistakes and continue to make very many mistakes, but being “known online” only works if it’s a two-way street, in some way, where you are making something and people are giving something back, because otherwise it’s this weird parasocial thing that i think is just, so so so so unhealthy for all involved (INFLUENCER CULTURE I’M TALKING ABOUT INFLUENCER CULTURE).
MY POINT IS, god this exact kind of tangenty nonsense is why i can never have a real youtube channel, i am indescribably glad that it felt like we were exchanging something!! i hope sometimes it still does!! i get a lot from you guys -- i read all your tags, all your reblogs, all your @ mentions, all your messages (even though i know i am SO terrible at responding to them, i’m sorry, it’s that i want to respond individually and thoughtfully but i don’t always have time and then the unanswered ones get so overwhelming and there’s such a backlog rn because this year was ... So Hard oh my god) -- and i guess all of this is my long-winded way of saying that i don’t think i’d be me today if it weren’t for the way my little tiny corner of the internet treated me when it was looking at me.
so like -- thanks. that’s all i’m trying to say.
(this is why it takes me so long to answer messages look how long this is just say tHANKS AND WALK AWAY MOLLY)
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Thinkin on the shitter and in the bath tub (about neurons and personalities) 5/11/18
So i noticed how i can interupt my loudest train of thought with mouth noises and think im not thinking about anything, until i realize im thinkimg about thinking about nothing in a quiter train in the back. I think each train comes from a different neuron group, and depending on how important i find it, and/or maybe i think it needs more conscious processing power, the quiter train thoughts can be moved up to the core language processing neuron group where it gets the most attention. Information from lower level neuron groups move to my core conscious train of thought if its deemed "worth my attention," in this case "me" is my loudest train of thought. Theres another dimension to the hierarchy of neuron groups, personalities. The neurons associated with each of your personalities are all in their own neuron groups, and thier importance level (based on urgency, if it affects your ability to survive, and what ever your core virtues are i guess) kinda determines how strong of an influence they have in your thought trains. If their IL (importance level) is real low like 0 to a lil bit, then they wont really communicate with your language neurons much/at all, and they wont have a voice at all, or maybe a real quiet one every once in a while. If their IP is medium to high, then they'll kinda swap between quiet and loud, letting other high IL personalities take turns. Oh yah! I didnt explain my understanding of personalities here yet. Basically i see our minds made up of millions of micropersonalities, each one cares about one thing, like do i need to pee right now, am i hungry, is that thing silly?(if yes then its IL would be high for me, cause i like silly things) do i wanna smoke some weed? Am i in a sketchy situation? Each of these micropersonalities (pretty much like 1 to 20 neurons each maybe? Not quite sure how much one neuron can do) talk to each other, and a lot of them that i guess have a medium to high IL quite often will talk to each other a lot, and form what most would call a personality. I guess the sketchy situation one would be a little bit bigger of a personality than do i need to pee. It would be made of a bunch of neurons thinkin about awareness, what you think is sketchy, i dunno. Ex. You are in a dark alley, a neuron that thinks "if in dark alley, increase IL for the 'is this sketchy' neurons" and trigger fear response and I cant think of a better way to say 'feel more on edge.' Some real big personalities for me are the ones connected to my core virtues. The neurons i paid a lot of attention to and had high ILs pretty often spent a lot of time talking with my loudest train of thought, and my language center was able to connect them to a name, solidifying their importance to my whole neural network. Btw my core virtues are: Appreciation Friendship Respect Authenticity Willingness Discapline (fuck just realized how close discapline is to willingness. I think theyre different steps tho, willingness to go do the scary things that are difficult and challenging and new with curiosity, and discapline to maintain your virtuous habits and keep your comfortable habits in check) Creation Learning Conscious meditation Unconscious habit Balance Adventure Sexuality Humor( i gave em all sigils and i made this one look kinda like a penis cause i thought it appropriate lol) Freedom Kindness Mindfulness Fuck i had a lot of trouble remembering the last few, and i can not fucking remember the last one. Im still in the process of embedding these virtues, im making a mnemonic device with sigils for each one to help me remember. Ill go look at my notebook to find the last one when i get out of the bath. stream of consciousness writing is real fun, i think imma start posting these on tumblr more. I have a huge backlog to post. If any of yall are interested by any of this nonsense then hit me up in those DMs and we can chat about it. I appreciate you reading this, and i love you if you thought it was interesting. Have a good day, i need to finish bathing and go the fuck to sleep, its 3:45. Goodnight everybody (or just sweetarts, you were my only note last time lol) P.S. while my head was underwater i noticed a pretty definite line where the blueish light through my eyelids stops and the darkness of the inside of my skull begins. Also i was listening to comedy bang bang and i thought about how nice their constant attempts at jokes are. Like me and Daniel usually try to tell jokes at every oppurtunity we see, even when we know its a terrible obvious one. We say it anyway because the way its delivered and the awareness of it being silly and dumb makes it funny anyway. I think we also appreciate the exercising of our comedy muscle as often as possible, cause its fun. Its not as fun to filter everything you think "isnt funny enough" out of your speech. Throw everything you get, some of it will stick, some of it will just thud and fall in a garbage can, which is funny in its own way. Some of it will bounce back at you and it'll hurt, thats dark comedy, still funny. P.S.S. oh it was imagination! I guess i need to work on that one more so i remember it. Its 4:34 and i think im a bit nauseous because of how tired my body is? Im goin to sleep for real this time, goodnight!
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