#i didn’t add the line to the text on the buff one because there’s still tiddy there but if anyone wants a version of that i can do it
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Feeling in Chaos - Fall pt. 2 | JJK
Pairing: Jungkook x (f) reader
Genre: drama, angst, smut
AU: art college!au, friends to lovers, best friend’s brother
Wordcount: 12,670
Summary: It’s time to talk about it.
Rating: M / 18+
Warnings: Language. Grief. Panic attacks. MC has PTSD and is learning how to get through it. Jealousy. Self-loathing. Ryujin’s trying. Koo’s going through something. Possibly problematic friendship/relationship.
Smut Warnings: None, just mentions of the smut in the previous chapter.
AN: Ah, so…surprise? Over two months later…This chapter has a lot going on. A lot of much needed conversations and finally some attempts to move forward. I have nothing further to add, except for my apologies for it being late. 😅Thank you to the soulmate @playmetheclassics for beta reading. ily
Banner and Divider by @classicscreations
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When you finally get to the club, you glance around to ensure Ryujin isn’t outside. You walk to the front of the line and get the security guard’s attention.
“I’m sorry, my friend is in there, she’s drunk, and I just need to get her out and take her home. Is there any way I can just go in and grab her?”
The tall buff man that could honestly give The Rock a run for his money shakes his head.
“Sorry, miss. I’ve heard that line one too many times. You’ll have to wait in line with the others.”
“Please? She’s grieving, and I just. I need to get her home before she does something she regrets.”
He only shakes his head again and points towards the back of the line. You sigh, grabbing your phone and calling her again. She answers, but you can barely hear her over the thumping bass.
“Ry? I’m outside. They won’t let me in. Come out, and we can go home.”
“Wha? Where are yo—?”
Her voice cuts off as the call ends. You groan in annoyance, getting in the stupid long line to get in the shitty building.
The sense of panic sets in again as you wait. How do you get her home? What do you say? Do you let her speak? Do you wait until she’s sober to talk? Or do you yell at her now and hope she remembers? How the fuck are you going to get her home? Yoongi was right. But, fuck, you can’t get him involved in this. You’ve already gotten too close to him tonight. You can’t do it anymore.
You go to your contacts, pressing the call button and hating yourself already. It only rings twice before he picks up.
“Y/n? Are you okay? Are you still at the studio?” Your heart cracks at the voice laced with worry.
“No, Jungkook. I left already.”
“Where are you? Because you’re not at your apartment.”
“Have you been waiting there?” Your voice falters. The image of him waiting in your apartment while you’re on the couch in your studio getting fucked and almost confessed to by your group therapy buddy flashing in your mind makes you want to scream.
He stays silent, answering your question without saying a word.
“Kookie…I need your help.” You exhale a shaky breath, trying to stay focused.
“What happened? Did he do something?” There’s a certain bite in his voice that feels like an attack on you, but you set it aside, planning on stressing over it later.
“No, Koo. He didn’t do anything. It’s Ry. She’s at this club or bar or whatever, she’s shitfaced and called me, and I’m waiting outside, but I…I don’t know how to get her home.”
He gives it a moment after your voice trails off, finally speaking again after a while.
“You want me to come get you two?” His voice is softer, but still tense, and you hate it.
“Yes, please…” you quietly admit, and you can hear the sound of his keys moving as he tells you to send the address via text and to wait for him.
This feels too familiar.
“Jungkook?” You quickly speak up before he hangs up.
“Yes, y/n?”
“Please drive carefully.” you feel your stomach twist, “get here safely, okay?”
He doesn’t need to ask why you’re saying these things. He knows. You know he knows. He reassures you he’ll be okay, hanging up only when you’re ready, and you look back down at your phone as the call ends.
Five minutes later, you’re almost at the front of the line when you see Ryujin stumbling out of the building, looking around in confusion.
“Ry!” You shout as you finally escape the line, much to the satisfaction of the people behind you. You want to run to her, but she’s still a ticking time bomb, and you’re already on edge enough that you don’t want to risk her wrath even if she was the one that called you.
“Y/n!” She shouts back, tears streaming down her face as she runs to you. You let her hug you first, hesitantly hugging her back and only tightening your hold when she starts sobbing against your shoulder.
“Hey hey hey, I’m here. It’s okay, Ry. What happened?” You don’t expect an answer and don’t let go, just letting her desperately hold onto you and cry.
When she finally lets go of you, you guide her to sit on the curb. It’s gross, but it’s away from the club goers passing by, and it’s still within sight of the security guard. Your hands never leave her, one on her back and the other gripping one of hers like if you let go, she’d vanish from you too.
You stay silent for her, watching her battle with the thoughts in her head and the words behind her ruby-red lips. You look away, down the street to see if Jungkook’s car would be in view, but you wanted to give her more space.
“I don’t blame you.” Her voice cracks, and your neck almost snaps when turning back to her.
“What?” You’re afraid to ask in case it all goes wrong.
“For…for Kai’s death. I don’t blame you. I never did.” Her grip on your hand tightens, and the tears fall again across her beautiful face. “I know it’s not your fault. But I just…I needed someone to hate, someone that isn’t me.”
Her? Why? Why would she…?
“Ry, what do you mean someone that isn’t you?”
She finally looks up at you, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she relives memories you have no idea about. Moments she wishes she could forget or do over.
“It doesn't matter now.” She shakes her head, holding your hand close to her chest. “Please, y/n. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. You’re my best friend and there’s no excuse for the things I said. Please don’t hate me. I can’t lose you, too.”
You look at your best friend. The girl that was born a day before you in the same hospital. The girl that asked to draw with you on the playground. The girl that yelled at anyone and everyone that dared say anything bad about you. The girl that held you as you cried over your first heartbreak. And your second, third, fourth…
The girl that, despite coming across as perfect to the world, bared her soul, fears, and insecurities to you one night after sneaking into her parents’ liquor cabinet. The girl that promised to be by your side for forever when your parents said you’d be nothing. The girl you watched fall in love with your brother, having the most beautiful and loving relationship with him.
The girl who fell apart just as badly as you did. But instead of seeking help, she burned the world around her down, starting with you.
Her name quietly escapes your lips, but before you can say anything else, Jungkook pulls up against the curb next to you. He quickly exits the car to squat down in front of you both, eyes meeting yours briefly before turning his attention to his sister.
He looks exhausted.
“Hey, Rybread. You okay?” He gently grabs her free hand, bringing her attention away from you and to him instead. She nods, a broken sob escaping when Jungkook helps her stand, you having to stand with her because her hand is still tightly gripping yours.
“Let’s get you two home, yeah?” He gently speaks to only her, still refusing to look at you for more than a second. You carefully pull your hand away from Ryujin, watching Jungkook help his sister enter the backseat. When she’s finally in, seatbelt on, head leaning back, eyes closed, he looks back at you.
You hate the sadness in those big beautiful brown eyes. Hate the dark bags forming underneath them. Hate that you’re probably the cause of some of it.
“Are you okay to sit in the backseat or do you need to be upfront?” His question is as monotone as he can make it, but you can still pick up on the notes of concern in his words.
You open your mouth to speak, eyes glancing between the backseat and the passenger’s seat, when Jungkook shuts Ryujin’s door a little harsher than necessary, causing you both to jump.
“Upfront it is. Come on.” He mumbles, opening the passenger’s side door before returning to the driver’s seat with a huff.
You get in only when he’s put his seatbelt on and turned the key in the ignition, the engine roaring to life. You put your seatbelt on, backpack across your lap and fingers toying with the straps for a moment before a big hand reaches for your left hand.
His fingers intertwine with yours, settling on his lap, his free hand on the steering wheel, effortlessly pulling away from the curb and driving off.
Your eyes stay on the road, trying to watch every car while simultaneously trying to remind yourself to breathe. At every stop light, Jungkook brings your joined hand to his chest, his thumb rubbing the back of your hand until the light turns green and you’re past the intersection.
You say nothing, forcing the fear deep down inside to deal with when you’re alone. Your right hand grips the door handle like you’re bracing for impact, and it takes everything in you not to scream to pull over. The last time you were in a car was on the way home from the funeral. You were so ready to jump out of the car on the highway, actually opening the door at one point, not caring what happened to you, only about getting out.
“You need to breathe, y/n.” His voice is gentle but still in that monotone voice. It doesn’t match the way his thumb is soothing over your hand or how tightly he’s holding it.
You hadn’t realized you were barely taking any breaths, afraid if you did, you’d scream or cry. You still don’t respond, only squeezing his hand in response as you take a deep breath, shakingly exhaling after.
“I’m trying. It’s just—” you look down for a moment, your free hand playing with the zipper on your back, “I’m too focused on not panicking. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?” His voice is losing the monotone effect, and you sneak a glance at his face. His jaw is clenched, and he looks anything but soft, more stoic instead.
“I don’t know…I’m sure there’s a list of shit I need to apologize for that’s so long, I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“The top, usually.” He’s quick to respond, and you have to fight the urge to give even the smallest smile.
“The top…the top says ‘I’m sorry you met me and got dragged into this.’”
“Well, that’s a stupid apology.” He says after a moment. “You didn’t know what would happen when we were kids. If you did, I’d have many questions. One being lottery numbers.”
You quietly laugh to yourself. Eyes jumping from the roads, to your hand in his, and his face that still won’t look at you. You’re partially relieved he’s keeping his eyes on the road.
“And I’m not sorry I met you. You’re insanely frustrating at times. You drive me to be a jealous mess of hopelessness plagued by unrequited love. But I’m not sorry I met you. Not even a little bit. I’d rather have you in my life than out of it.”
You stare at him, lips parting with no words able to form. He’s confessed in various ways so many times now, and it feels like a punch in the gut every time. This time, however, feels more like a stab to the heart.
“…it’s not hopeless, Jungkook.” You swallow thickly, looking away from him and focusing on his hand wrapped around your own instead. “And it’s not unrequited…”
“Feels a lot like it…”
You say nothing, the car stopping in the apartment complex.
You barely even registered the rest of the drive home once he started talking. Your breathing was steadied, your heart rate was racing, albeit for a different reason, and you weren’t trying to escape the car.
Jungkook gets out first, walking around to get to Ryujin sitting behind you. You quietly get out, watching him try to coax her awake, eventually giving up and handing you the keys before scooping her out of the car.
You lock the car when he’s got her, following behind inside to the elevator and to the apartment, neither speaking except for random gibberish from your tipsy sleeping best friend.
He sits her down on the counter in the bathroom while you grab her a change of clothes. He leaves the both of you alone so you can help her remove her makeup and do your best to take her through her beauty routine. She'd always go on about how she could never miss a day, walking you through each step for moments like this.
What feels like ages later, you finally emerge from the bathroom, letting her change in private, and head back down to the living room. Jungkook is sitting on the armrest of the couch with palms running across his face while you lean against the wall.
The atmosphere is awkward. You don’t know what to say, so you pull out your phone, remembering your spat with Yoongi.
Y/N (3:35 am): hey. I’m home. I hope you made it back okay. I’m really sorry about what I said. You didn’t deserve that.
You hit send and watch as it switches from delivered to read within seconds. The typing bubbles appear moments later.
Yoongi (3:35 am): Apologize with pie.
A shaky giggle escapes your lungs before you can catch it, and Jungkook scoffs.
Your head snaps up to the sound, wide eyes and body frozen. He shakes his head, eyes cast to the floor. You lower your gaze back to the phone, trying to decide what to type next when he finally speaks to you.
“So why didn’t Yoongi come with you to get Ry?” You look back up at him; he’s still trying to stay neutral, a stoic demeanor that doesn’t care.
“Koo–”
“I mean, it’s kind of a dick move to let a woman walk alone at this hour, isn’t it?” He crosses his arms, repositioning his stance as if he’s uncomfortable.
“I didn’t want him to come with me. He insisted but I yelled at him…” you sigh, briefly looking back at your phone before tucking it back in your pocket. “I didn’t want him to get involved in all of this.” you gesture all around you, mostly towards Ryujin’s door and Jungkook himself.
He stares you down, tilting his head to the side and even though he’s not directly in front of you or right next to you, his stare makes you feel small. It feels suffocating - like he’s hovering above you and you’re backed into a corner.
His eyes scan your face, your bruised lips, the very light, barely there yet hickies on your neck as well as the guilty expression. His eyes widen, and the stoic demeanor is gone, replaced by one you can’t quite read, but know all too well.
“It’s not just sex, is it? There are feelings there.” His question knocks the wind out of you, and you shrink down even more.
“I don’t know.” the only response you can bring yourself to say that won’t hurt either of you.
You were wrong.
“What do you mean you don’t know? Either you like him, or you don’t.”
You open your mouth to speak, but Ryujin’s door opens just as you do. She stands at the top of the stairs in the pajamas you picked out, and she looks exhausted, eyes swollen and puffy from crying. You rip your attention away from her brother when she mumbles your name.
You rush to grab her hand, bringing her back to her room and guiding her to her bed. She gets in, but the tears start streaming again.
“He’s really gone…” she whispers, pulling the covers to her chin.
You nod, Jungkook comes in after you with water and pills for her to take. Ryujin shakes her head.
“No. The smell. He’s gone. I could sleep because I could smell him in the sheets. Now it’s gone.”
This is the longest she’s spoken to you since before the crash. And you’re still scared of her reaction to your responses. So you tell her to wait, going back to her bathroom and forcing yourself to open the cabinet he took over when he kept staying the night, finding the little bottle you were hoping to find.
You were secretly hoping to break into her room one day to find the bottle and keep it for yourself. But you kept reminding yourself she probably needed it more.
When you come back, you tell her to give you her pillow, and she obliges. You take the cap off the cologne bottle, spraying the pillow lightly as it dangles in your hand away from you. You hand it back to her, smiling a little when she hugs it, taking a deep breath.
“It smells like him…” she murmurs, laying back down, pillow resting under her head.
“I know it’s not the same, but hopefully it helps enough.” You whisper, lightly petting her hair as her eyes close and a small smile forms.
“We should buy it in bulk. So it can always smell like him.” you let out a shaky laugh.
“I’ll get right on that, Ry. Now get some sleep, okay?”
“Okay.”
You get up to leave the room, Jungkook starting to lead the way when a small hand wraps around your wrist. You turn to look at Ryujin who looks panicked.
“Y/n, you forgive me, right?”
You open your mouth to respond but, for what feels like the millionth time tonight, are cut off before you can form words.
“You do, right? You know I didn’t mean any of it. I would never. Please. Please say you forgive me.”
You say nothing, looking to Jungkook for help. He stands at the doorway, hands in his hoodie’s pocket, seemingly uninterested in this conversation. You sigh, turning back to her, gently grabbing the hand attached to your wrist to peel her off you, but her grip tightens.
“We’ll talk about this when you’re sober, Ry, okay? Get some sleep.”
“No. Not until you forgive me.”
“Ry.” your voice shakes, a piercing pain in your eyes as you can feel the tears forming.
“Y/n, please,”
“I…–”
“Ryujin, stop.” Jungkook interjects, both you and his sister looking towards the owner of the stern voice.
“Let her go. Go to bed. She’ll talk to you about it when you’re sober.”
You both stay silent, your eyes glued to her grip on your wrist, hers bouncing between you, her brother, and her hold on you. After a few moments, she finally lets go, laying back down and hugging her pillow.
“Okay. Tomorrow…” she whispers in defeat.
“Tomorrow.” you mimic the word, pulling her blanket back over her to keep her warm before finally shuffling out of the room, walking past Jungkook, who closes the door once you’re both out.
You run your fingers through your hair, steadying your breathing, so you don’t cry in front of Jungkook more than you already have.
You both lean against the back of the couch this time. Both are dead silent as you figure out who should speak first. Your eyes cast down to the floor, watching his feet shift as he tries to find a more comfortable stance.
“You shouldn’t forgive her.” You look up at him to see he was doing the same thing as you, eyes to the ground.
“What?”
“You shouldn’t forgive Ryujin.”
“Jungkook. She…she didn’t mean it—”
“No, y/n. Have you not heard the shit she’s been screaming at you? Have you not heard the shit she’s accused you of?” He turns to face you, his voice a harsh whisper.
“Do you not remember how fucking terrible she’s made your life the last two months? You’ve had to fucking sneak into your apartment, change your schedules to be the opposite of hers, so you don’t run into her.”
“I…” your words stumble over one another in your mind.
“She’s my best friend, Jungkook. She’s grieving. I…her world just got crushed. What do you expect me to do? Just sever all ties with her and leave? Leave her to be all by herself? And what about you? You’re her brother, Jungkook. If I do that with her, I do that with you. And I’m not going to do that. Not with the two people that mean more than anything to me.”
Fuck not again. Please don’t cry again.
“I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow. I won’t forgive her until I know she means it. I’m so fucking tired right now, so can we please just end this conversation?”
The words rush out in a few short breaths, tears still threatening to escape when you look at him. You can’t tell what he’s thinking. His facial expression holds many different emotions. His eyes are sad, angry, desperate, and scared.
“Fine.”
You fucked up again. Twice in one night. Way to go, y/n, you idiot.
“I’ll head home. Good luck.” He turns away from you, but before you can think it through, your hand grabs his wrist like his sister did to you moments ago.
“It…it’s almost three in the morning. Just stay here.”
You’re both staring at his wrist, captured by your fingers, and in the quiet, you give a small squeeze, pleading. But his next words feel like a direct stab to the heart.
“Is your boyfriend gonna be okay with that?”
“He’s not…”
“Please stop lying to me. Just admit there’s something there so I can try to move on, like really try.”
No.
Don’t move on.
You’re mine.
I won’t let you go.
“Koo…” the name barely falls from your lips. “I can’t.”
In the blink of an eye, he’s trapped you between his body and the back of the couch. Both hands, yours still clutching his wrist, cup your face and tilting you to look up at him.
“You can’t be honest with me? Or you can’t admit there’s something there with him?”
You close your eyes to prevent the tears, but they win, escaping down your cheeks only to be caught and wiped away by his thumbs.
Your name is a soft pleading whisper on his lips, making you want to crawl into a cave forever. You can only say the first thing that comes to your mind.
“Please…just stay.”
You feel his forehead press against yours, noses touching, lips mere inches away from his.
Just do it. Lean forward. His lips are right there. Just give in. You know it’s always going to be him.
Do it.
But you don’t, and neither does he, instead breathing out a heavy sigh, pulling away from you, and unwrapping your grip from his wrist.
“I can’t be your second anymore, y/n.”
“You’re not.” Just say it. Admit it. Fucking do it.
“I am, though. If I wasn’t, you wouldn’t hesitate. You wouldn’t look at me with all that fear in your eyes. Tell me, do you hesitate with him?”
You don’t respond, trying to find the best answer.
“Your silence is so loud, y/n.” He backs away from you, heading upstairs to your room to grab the extra blankets and pillows you’d usually have on standby for when he’d stay over. He walks back into the living room, ignoring your hurt expression.
“I’ll sleep on the couch and be out before you wake up.”
“Jungkook…”
“Stop, y/n. Just…end it there, okay?” you want to run to him, kiss him, tell him he’s number one. He will always be number one. Yoongi is nothing compared to him. You should. You should move your feet right now.
But you don’t.
You hesitate.
And instead, he sets up the bedding on the couch before looking at you again.
“Goodnight.” He turns off the living room light, covering the area in complete darkness as he lays down on the couch.
You sniffle, muttering a quiet apology before slinking away to the stairs to your room. Once the door is closed, you close your eyes and take a deep breath, screaming internally. You allow yourself five seconds to cry before opening your eyes and staring off into space in an attempt to silence the voices and the pain.
It doesn’t.
They just get louder.
You force yourself into your bathroom to turn on the shower. You watch yourself in the mirror as you slowly shed your clothing, piece by piece, like you’re removing everything that happened today with every fabric. Once you’re in your bra and underwear, you look back in the mirror at the bites and handprints on your hips where Yoongi had gripped you tight at one point.
The painting of the music notes on your thigh.
You feel sick.
You quickly shed the bra and underwear, throwing them in the trash before showering. You grab your body wash, squeezing out more than needed onto your loofah and scrubbing away at your skin.
You cry out in pain, not realizing you’re scrubbing yourself raw, trying to get the feeling of Yoongi off your skin. Anywhere he touched, breathed, or kissed suddenly felt like acid, and you needed it off you. You stay in the scalding hot shower for thirty minutes, trying to get him off your skin and out of your hair, muttering curse words the entire time.
When you finally leave the shower, you feel like you are running on autopilot. You change into some clean pajamas, dry your hair, and drag yourself through a quick skin routine, playing some music on your AirPods while doing so.
You sit on your bed, staring at your closed bedroom door. You want to open it and get on the couch with him, cuddle with him like you used to, tell him it’s always him, and just be with him in every way you can.
Stop hesitating.
You throw the blankets off you, forcing yourself out of bed and padding over to the bedroom door, opening it confidently and heading down the stairs.
But you stop halfway.
Your body stills as you listen to him lightly snoring, and you flash to a few weeks ago when he confessed to having trouble sleeping. He wouldn’t say why, he wouldn’t say if it was related to Kai, and he didn’t go any further in his explanation other than it’s hard for him to sleep lately.
So you back away from the doorway, leaving the door open, and crawl back in bed. You won’t be why he can’t get back to sleep just because you need him.
An hour later, you wake up to someone crying. You sit up in bed, rubbing your eyes to get rid of the tears you assume you’re shedding. But there’s nothing there. No tears, just a puffy and tired face.
You listen closer. It can’t be Ryujin. Her door is closed, and she’s out cold. It’s shockingly not you, which means it’s only one other person.
Jungkook?
You throw the blankets off of you, quietly rushing down the stairs and peaking into the living room. He’s on the couch, still asleep but sniffling and whimpering.
You tip-toe over to him as he lays there in his sleep, tears escaping closed eyes and body shaking in fear.
Is this what he was talking about?
Is this every night?
Why didn’t he say anything?
“Jungkook?” You try whispering his name, but he doesn’t respond. You try again, a little louder, and place a hand on his shoulder to gently shake him awake.
Gently, being the keyword.
It apparently wasn’t.
Jungkook wakes up terrified, smacking your hand away from him and cowering back into the couch in fear.
“Koo, it’s okay. It’s me. It’s y/n. I’m sorry. I’m so sor—.”
You’re pulled into a hug before you can finish apologizing, one hand grabbing your arm to pull you to him, the other wrapping around your shoulders. You instinctively crawl onto the couch, curling up with him as he buries his face in your neck, tears streaming down his cheeks as he hyperventilates in your arms.
You hold him as close as you can, your legs wrapped around him, acting as a weighted blanket.
“It’s okay. You’re safe.” You whisper against his temple, wincing a little when the hand gripping your arm finds your back, grasping your shirt. His nails dig into the skin on the back of your neck.
You give him a few more minutes to panic in your arms before easing his face away from your neck, cradling his face in your hands.
“How often has this been happening, Koo?” His eyes close, shaking his head as he tries to bury back into your neck. You stop him, pulling further away.
“Jungkook, talk to me.”
“Almost every night…”
Not again.
“Why didn’t you say anything? To me? To Ryujin?”
He stumbles over a few words, trying to figure out the answer. His hands let go of your shirt before grabbing it again seconds later, as if he has to remind himself he has control and isn’t dreaming anymore.
“It’s nothing.”
“It's not nothing, Jungkook, if you’re having nightmares again every night...”
“They’re not nightmares.”
“No?” You raise an eyebrow, “then what are they?”
“They’re just dreams, y/n.” He shuts down the conversation, and you have no choice but to follow along.
“Fine. Let’s go back to my bed and sleep there, then.”
“I’m fine down here.”
“I don’t care. I want to make sure you’re okay. Can I do that? You do it for Ry and me every day. Let someone else be there for you. Please?”
He lets out a heavy sigh before mumbling in agreement. You disconnect from him, getting off the couch and helping him get up. His eyes meet yours, and your heart cracks at the sight. His eyes are red, eyelids puffy from the tears he never shows. You frown, wrapping his hand in yours, keeping it close as you climb the stairs to your room.
He lets go of your hand as you both crawl into your bed, laying on your back to let him curl up against you. His face finds its way back between your neck and shoulder, and you can’t help the goosebumps that appear all over your body from his breath on your skin.
Neither of you say anything. Probably for the best.
You fall asleep in that position, Jungkook’s tattooed fingers mindlessly dancing along the side of your waist over your shirt. One hand tangled in his hair, softly massaging his head while your other hand rests on his forearm draped across your stomach.
For just a moment, you forget everything that’s wrong with this. For just a moment, it’s back before everything went to shit, and this was enough for both of you.
When you wake up the next morning, which was really a few hours later, you’re still in the same position. The only difference is Jungkook’s legs have tangled up with yours, and his hand found a way under your shirt, lightly holding onto your side. His touch feels scalding hot against your skin. The breathing on your neck gives you goosebumps. Your hands are still in the same position.
You’re about to wake him up when there’s a soft knock on the door before it slowly opens.
Ryujin enters quietly; her eyes cast to the ground like a child knowing she’s in trouble. You know that look all too well. It’s the same look Jungkook gave when he accidentally broke the bottle of one of your more expensive paints, letting it spill all over the floor.
Big round brown eyes, like a puppy pleading its innocence.
When she looks up, her eyes widen at seeing her brother wrapped around your body. She shoots you a questioning look, and you have no choice but to quietly whisper nightmare in hopes she doesn’t get it confused.
Her face softens with a frown at the realization of the word.
“That’s supposed to be my job…I’m supposed to be there for him when it happens.”
You sigh, your hand moving from his hair.
“We’re all still trying to figure this out, Ry. Don’t take it personally.”
“I’m not… I’m… I’m not. I just feel like I failed him. Like I failed you…”
“You’re not failing any—” You cut yourself off when Jungkook’s head moves, pressing his face even closer to your neck for a moment before his eyes open.
“Who are you talking to?” He mumbles, still half asleep. His voice is low and husky and it kills you that you have to ignore it, as well as ignore the way his hand squeezes your side as he readjusts to get comfortable.
“Ryujin’s here…”
He lifts his head to look around the room, tired eyes landing on his sister. His fingers dig into your side momentarily as the siblings make eye contact. Jungkook finally lets go of you, muttering a soft oh, and pulling away from you and out of the bed.
“I’m gonna make breakfast…” he speaks softly, giving his sister a small hug before turning back to you.
“Thank you…for earlier…” you nod in response, not sure what to say to either of them anymore.
When he leaves the room, there’s an awkward silence in the air. Ryujin’s gaze is locked on where her brother was just laying and yours is on her, trying to figure out what’s happening.
And then it hits you.
All the times she’d come over after a fight with another friend, a disagreement with Jungkook, one of the few fights with Kai, or just when all the pressures of life got too much. She’d crawl into your bed just like Jungkook did and wrap her body around yours and fall asleep in your arms.
You called it a Jeon Thing.
You opened your arms up hesitantly, second guessing if that’s what she’s thinking of. But you didn’t have to wait too long before her eyes lit up a little and she’s hurrying to crawl in next to you, replicating the position Jungkook was just in, except her head rests softly on your shoulder and the hand across your stomach is playing with the fabric rather than touching your skin.
You stay completely still, still terrified of her explosions. But they don’t come, instead she sniffles.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hmm?” You have to stay calm. Don’t give in too easily.
“I’m really fucking sorry, y/n”
“Be more specific.” You slow your breathing, making sure you’re not the one that explodes.
But maybe you should.
Ryujin buries her face in your shoulder before speaking.
“For everything. Being horrible to you. Blaming you. Saying the shit that I said…”
That’s it? That’s the apology?
Jungkook’s words from last night loop in your head rapidly, and you’re speaking before you can stop yourself, sitting up and dislodging her, forcing her to sit up facing you.
“You accused me of killing my brother, Ryujin. My brother. The one fucking person I could always count on. The one person in my family that believed in me and encouraged me to do what I wanted to do. You called me a murderer. You said it should’ve been me, Ry. You said you’d rather I have died instead of Kai. You said that about your best friend. Me. Do you hear how fucked up that is?”
Her eyes well up with tears, yours already escaping like a pro, as she fists the blankets in her hands, scared to look up.
“I…I’m sor—”
“Ry, I’m terrified of you. You know that, right? I have to fucking sneak into our apartment. I changed my schedule at school to avoid you. I fucking went to the studio last night because I never want to come home. I stay with Yoongi a few times after group therapy until I think you might be asleep because, as stupid of a decision that is, it hurts less than coming home to my best friend telling me I murdered my fucking brother.”
Ryujin opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. She continues pulling at the fabric of the sheets in front of her as you watch the gears in her mind turn, trying desperately to come up with some form of words.
This was always her weakness. Being told she did wrong, being told she fucked up, and there wasn’t some easy fix. One time in high school, she was so sleep-deprived from studying the night before a midterm, that she mismarked every answer on the scantron, thinking the answers were for the question before. When the teacher told her she had failed, she lost all ability to function, too shocked to speak. You had to talk to the teacher to find out what was wrong, begging him to let her retake it the next day.
But this isn’t high school. This isn’t a test she can just retake. There is no fix for this. The only thing she can do is accept that she fucked up.
The silence is deafening, save for the sound of Jungkook downstairs in your kitchen making food and the morning hustle and bustle outside. She keeps trying to speak, but it’s getting harder and harder for you to tolerate.
“Ry…” she stays frozen. “Ry, look at me.” You grab both of her hands, stopping her from potentially ripping your sheets. When she finally looks up, tears running down her face, you give her a tiny comforting smile.
“I love you, Ryujin. You know I do, and I always will,” you start, and she whispers I love you, too back, smiling through the tears. “Our bond is unbreakable, and you and I both know we will always be there for each other through thick and thin. But this? The things you said? Ry, I can’t just easily forgive you when you say sorry.”
“I…I know. But what do I do? How? How do I fix this?”
“You can’t. That’s the problem. This is something that only time can fix, and I wish that wasn’t the case. But I’m scared of being around you right now, Ry. Even right now, I’m afraid you’ll launch an attack and spew vile accusations at me.”
“No. I won’t. I won’t do that. Ever again.”
You smile, but it falters fast.
“I don’t think it’ll be okay until you take the initiative to get help. Talk to someone, Ry—a professional. And stop drinking so much, eat something, design your pretty dresses again, work on the showcase, and take time for yourself. It sucks, it’s scary, and it sounds miserable, I know. But until you come back to being my Ryujin? I can’t do this with you anymore.”
Her eyes widen, hands gripping yours.
“What does that mean?”
Suddenly it’s hard to look at her. You’ve been sitting on this decision for a while but didn’t think you’d ever have to make it officially.
“I think it might be better for us both if I move out for a bit…”
“…no”
“Ry…” she shakes her head repeatedly. “We need to figure this out separately. I can’t baby you into getting help. And you can’t deal with me and my bullshit while you’re trying to heal. I’ll still be here when you need me. I’ll be here if you need help with your project. I’m not leaving, leaving. I could never leave you. You’re my person.”
“But where are you gonna go?”
“I…don’t know. Maybe the studio?”
“But there’s no shower there.”
Fuck. There isn’t.
“What if you stay with Jungkook?”
Your face heats up at the idea of living with Jungkook, but your stomach drops at the idea of being so close to Kai’s stuff.
“I don’t think I can��”
“He’s miserable, you know.” Her voice softens, and her hands move out from under yours to be the ones holding on this time.
“I think he’s afraid to be alone. He hasn’t talked about Kai unless someone starts the conversation, but he shuts it down fast. He’s so focused on you that I don’t think he’s realized how much help he needs. Maybe staying with him can help.”
“I didn’t ask him to focus on me.” You try not to sound defensive. She knows that, choosing to ignore the tone.
“We both know he didn’t choose to. It’s a part of who he is. You are a part of who he is, no matter what.”
Are you, though? Or is he a part of who you are? He could replace you so easily if you just let him go. You know that. He must know that. Maybe that’s why he wants you to tell him to move on. That you and Yoongi are a thing.
He wants to replace you with anyone who makes him less sad.
Anyone but you.
“Hey,” Ryujin’s voice cuts through your thoughts, your eyes looking up at her in a panic. “I see where your mind is right now. Stop whatever it is you’re thinking.”
“But—”
“I don’t care. Whatever you’re telling yourself to make yourself think he wouldn’t want to have you by his side every moment of every day is a lie, and you know it.”
You don’t respond, mind running a mile a second, and all you want to do is go back to sleep.
“I…I understand if you feel you need to move out and get some space from me temporarily. I would never hold that against you, y/n. But please go with someone I know so I can know you’re okay. What even is a Yoongi?”
Your body freezes at his name. Of course she doesn’t know Yoongi. Of course she doesn’t know you’re sleeping with someone from group therapy. Of course she doesn’t know you went to the studio with him last night and fucked on your couch while you only thought about Jungkook.
“A mistake. I think…” your gaze stays focused on Ryujin’s hands holding yours, eyes burning from the tears threatening to return for the nth time.
“Y/n…you’re doing it again, aren’t you?” She’s careful not to sound judgmental, but you can still feel it.
“No. No. I’m…I’m not.” You shake your head, shutting your eyes tight. “I’m trying not to. It’s just sex. But last night…I fucked up. And then you called. And then we argued. And then Jungkook…”
She stays silent, and it drives you crazy that you can’t read her mind.
“I’m gonna end it with him. Whatever it is. I can’t…keep doing this. I’m tired, Ry. I’m so fucking tired.”
“I know, babes. And I know a good amount of it is my fault, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”
You try to speak, but nothing comes out as her thumbs rub back and forth on the back of your hands just like Jungkook was doing last night.
“What if I temporarily move out instead? You stay here. I’ll stay with Jungkook and stay in Kai’s room. You can stay here and try to heal on your own terms. It’ll be less stressful for you. You don’t always have to be the one making changes to your life for others, y/n. Let us make changes instead.”
You finally look up at her. Both of you have tear-stained faces, but she’s holding a smile that breaks your heart.
“Ry…”
“I’m doing it. I’ve decided.”
You smile back at her briefly.
“Are you sure you’re even ready to go in his room? I went to his studio last night and couldn’t breathe.”
She pauses momentarily, eyes on the ceiling as she thinks.
“I think…I think I’m ready. I mean… No one will ever be with something like this, right? It’s always going to be scary. It’s always going to hurt. Even the smallest task will sometimes feel like a punch in the gut, right?” She takes a deep breath, seeing you smile again.
“I miss him. I think being around his stuff can help me.” she quietly speaks.
“Yeah?”
She smiles, nodding. There’s something in her expression that is still broken. Something you must not know about. But you don’t question it. Everyone has their secrets. You tell yourself that she’ll talk about it when she’s ready..
She doesn’t let you try to dissuade her, instead getting off your bed and dragging you to the kitchen where Jungkook has put together a full breakfast.
He turns to you both, eyes widening at your hand in hers before looking at you.
“Everything good?” He asks slowly. You nod silently, letting go of her hand to grab a plate and scoot past him to pile some pancakes on with some eggs.
“Hopefully soon, yes,” Ryujin answers for you, looking nervously at her brother. “But I’m moving in with you for a bit. Until we figure out how to be, I guess…” she copies your moves, grabbing a plate and scooting past her befuddled brother.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“She wanted to move out to put some space between us. I offered instead. I’m going to stay in Kai’s room…”
“But…” he starts, but you interrupt.
“But we haven’t gone in there yet. We’re gonna do that tomorrow morning. If you want to join, we can do it together. Maybe it’ll help you, too.”
“Yeah, JK. Y/n said you’ve been having nightmares again. And I know you’ve been sleeping on our couch more than your bed. Maybe having someone else there can help you?”
Jungkook stares at you both, sitting on opposite sides of the table with the same amount of food on your plates. Neither looking at him. Both making decisions without him. He grips the counter with both hands, pushing down every emotion. You almost miss it when you look up.
“Jungkook? Are you okay?” You move to get up, but you hesitate, again, when he closes his eyes and nods.
“I’m fine.”
Liar.
“Don’t you have group therapy tomorrow morning?” He changes the subject back to you, an easy task for him. It’s easier to focus on you, Ryujin, school, work, anything and everything but himself.
Your eyes drop back down to your food, pushing it around.
“I’m not going.” You state, hoping he doesn’t question it further.
But of course, it’s Jungkook.
“Why not?”
Your chest tightens, your throat closing in on itself. When did it get so hot? Are you sweating? Is that your heart or your brain pounding?
“I don’t feel like going.” You try sounding confident, but your voice shakes, betraying you.
“Y/n.” Your eyes meet his, begging him to drop it.
“Jungkook, if she doesn’t want to go, she’s not going. Let her make decisions for herself.”
“I’m not telling her what to do, Ry. I’m trying to help her.”
“Sounds like the same thing.”
Both of you, stop. Please.
“It’s not, though. If she wants to learn to grieve and move on in her own way, that’s what she’ll do. You can’t control her.”
“Well, obviously, but—”
Snap.
Your fist slams down on the table, dishes rattling and silencing the room.
“Please stop! Both of you. Stop talking about me like I’m not here. I’m right fucking here. Right here.”
You’re so tired of crying, of feeling. It’s exhausting. Every single little thing makes you want to cry. It’s ridiculous.
“Jungkook, I’m not going. I’ll go to the next one, and I still have my regular appointment with Dr. Adams on Monday. But I’d rather help Ry, okay?” You wait for him to nod in understanding before turning to his sister.
“And Ry. He is trying to help. He’s been pushing me to do what I want to avoid, and I appreciate it. I’d still be curled up in my room if it wasn’t for him. So if he has to be pushy, it’s for a reason. Leave it.”
She nods, and everything goes silent.
This is why you need space.
This is suffocating.
“I have to get ready for class. I have to head back to the studio and pick up my canvas, so I need to leave in twenty minutes…” you get up from the table, rinsing the plate before placing it in the dishwasher.
“Thank you for breakfast, Koo. It was delicious.” You try walking past him, but a hand lands on your stomach, preventing you from leaving.
“Do you want a ride? You seemed more or less okay with it last night.”
You should say no. You want to distance yourself from everyone right now. You need to distance yourself. Everything is happening all at once, and you should say no, walk to the studio, and walk to campus.
But it was easier being in a car with him.
But you should say no anyway.
“Okay…I’ll get ready quickly.” You whisper, walking past him when his hand moves.
You hear the two of them whisper as you climb the stairs, but you’re too tired to care, so you slink back to your room. You grab your phone to charge it while you get ready, ignoring the notifications glaring at you as you plug it in and walk away.
When it’s time to leave, Ryujin is already back in her room, making a list of things to bring to Jungkook’s while he’s sitting on the couch, keys in hand.
The walk to his car is quiet. Getting in is just as silent, but he repeats the night before, grabbing your hand in his and holding it close to his chest through every intersection it takes to get to the studio. When he parks in his usual spot, his squeeze tightens on you, head lolling back against the headrest.
He looks nervous. He feels nervous. His hand is getting sweaty while his grip switches between a death grip and shaking, barely holding on.
“Jungkook?” You inquire softly, waiting for him to give some sign that he's okay. “Do you wanna come in?”
He exhales a small breath, shaking his head.
“I don’t think I can.”
You shift in your seat, removing your seatbelt and grabbing the hand wrapped around yours. His eyes find yours, and you’re right. He’s scared.
Is this how you looked last night?
“I’m not gonna lie to you, Koo. It sucks. The second you step into the studio, you’re back at the moments before finals. You go into his studio, and you fully expect him to be in there working his ass off on whatever assignment he has. But he’s not. And it’s like having to relive that night all over again. And it fucking sucks.” You sniffle, playing with his tattooed hand.
“And I know the last thing you want me to do right now is mention Yoongi,” he groans out a small laugh, and the corner of your lips twitch into a smirk, “but he made a good point, Koo. The longer you hold off on doing this, on going into the rooms, reliving the memories with him, talking about him, the more it’s going to hurt you.”
He sighs, closing his eyes. “I’m going to pretend he didn’t say that and that it’s just you being all wise.”
“Well, I am all wise. We’ve established this many times.” You both grin, enjoying the brief moment of normalcy before he agrees to go in with you. His hand never leaves yours, but this time you’re the one rubbing your thumb on the back of his hand.
When you both reach the the front door, you unlock it, letting go of his hand. You give him a second before he opens the door fully, letting him step inside first.
You watch him from the front door as he stands in the middle of the living area, eyes scanning every inch of the room. When he turns back around, facing you, his eyes cast to his studio room.
You can’t decipher the look on his face.
He’s so good at pretending to be okay that it makes it impossible to read him sometimes. He looks as if he’s dazed; his mind is far away from the studio to somewhere you don’t know.
“You good?” You hesitantly ask, taking two steps closer to him.
He blinks a few times, eyes finding your worried expression before offering a small smile.
“I’m okay. I need to get something from my room. A lens I need for class.”
“Oh. Okay.” You nod, expecting him to move, but he’s standing perfectly still. “Well, I’m going to get my canvas and clean up really quickly since I left abruptly last night…” you quietly walk to your room, turning to see him finally at his door, fingers hesitating over the pin pad before finally putting in the number and walking in.
You enter your room, your canvas still leaning against your old ones. Black and white still. Paints dried up on the palette, and brushes stiff as a result. You dump the brushes into a jar of water and the palette onto the desk, making a mental note to return later tonight to clean up correctly. You swear you see a hint of purple as you put the canvas in a tote after ensuring it was dry.
You turn and are greeted by the cat painting Yoongi was obsessed with. Should you still give it to him? Even if you plan on ending things? You don’t want it, and it would look good in a cat cafe. If anything, you could give it to the cafe directly.
God, you don’t want to talk to Yoongi. But you don’t want to ghost him completely. And before the sex, he was actually starting to be a good friend and an excellent partner in helping each other through your traumas.
You look at the couch, resisting the urge to deep clean every inch of it. Maybe a new couch. One that won’t make you feel dirty and wrong every time you look at it.
You have to apologize. And you have to cut ties with him.
You have to.
You’re just going to hurt him in the end.
You’re so good at hurting people.
You hear the beeping of a keypad, turning your head to the doorway before grabbing your tote, setting the cat painting aside, and leaving your room.
Kai’s door is open.
“Jungkook?” You softly call out, leaving the tote on the couch in the living area. You call out his name again, slowly approaching your brother’s room. Your heart breaks at the sight.
Jungkook’s sitting on the small couch with his knees pressed to his chest and his arms around his shins. His head is buried in between his knees, but he’s silent.
“Koo?” You try again, slowly approaching, moving some of Kai’s scattered papers out of the way, and sitting next to him.
When he still doesn’t respond, you stop trying. You’ll sit and wait by his side, ready to be there for whatever he needs.
The most important rule in helping someone grieve: never push them to grieve how you think they should. Just be there when they’re ready.
A mantra of sorts drilled into your brain in group therapy.
His body finally moves, his back rising suddenly as he takes a deep breath before slowly letting it out and raising his head. He doesn’t look at you, instead looking at the room he’s in. The same way you did the night before.
His face is flush, like he was forcing himself to hold his breath. His eyes are dry, and he looks exhausted.
“How did it go last night, coming in here?” He finally asks, head leaning back to rest on the couch.
You flatten your hands on the couch, sliding them back and forth to feel the texture. It’s a nice distraction to keep your hands apart and not claw at your skin.
“I had a full blown panic attack. Felt like I was dying. Like my brain was on the verge of exploding, and I kept hearing voices screaming, and I couldn’t see.” You let out a nervous laugh, keeping your eyes on the couch.
“Voices?”
“Uh…yeah. Like, like my own thoughts, but amplified. I don’t know how to explain it…I’d rather not try, honestly.”
“You don’t have to.” He whispers, a hand stopping one of yours and softly holding onto it.
“How’d you get through it?”
“Jungkook…”
“What?”
“Stop…doing that.”
“Stop doing what?”
“Diverting. You already know the answer. When I say Yoongi got me through it, you’re going to say something about how I feel about him, and then we’ll fight. You know it’s always going to be you in the end. I don’t understand why you keep saying it’s so one-sided when it’s clearly not. It’s just messy and complicated right now, okay? I don’t want to have that scene play out again. Specifically not here.”
He doesn’t respond, instead, staring at your hand in his, his thumb running over your ring finger. Your eyes flick up to his face, jaw clenched tight and eyes sad. There’s no sparkle in them like there usually is, and you’re not sure how long they’ve been so dull.
How have you not noticed that?
“Have you allowed yourself to cry yet?” You hesitate to ask, but you have to. It’s been months since Kai passed, and you haven’t seen him cry since the crash or last night in his sleep. You want to be wrong. Please let him tell you you’re wrong.
“No.” His voice cracks as he shakes your head, and you can feel your heart drop with it.
“Koo. You have to let it out at some point. Or else you’ll be stuck and have those nightmares forever.”
You turn your body to face him better, bringing your entwined hands to your lap.
“I’m scared.” He shuts his eyes tight.
“Scared of what?”
“If I cry, I’m scared I’ll never stop.”
“Koo…”
And that’s all it takes for the dam to break, tears streaming down his face as he begins to sob. He buries his head back into his knees and lets the floodgates open. You do nothing. You don’t want to. You want him to finally let it out and focus on himself and his own grief.
So you sit.
And you wait. His hand stays in yours as he finally lets go of months of emotional trauma, stress, and fears.
You’ve only seen Jungkook cry like this once. It was after his parents divorced just before he graduated high school. He had so much going on, from finishing up high school to getting accepted to the same school as you and Ryujin. He had finals, projects, an internship, a part-time job, and a social life.
All at the same time as he watched his parents argue, his mother packing up her stuff and moving out the day after his graduation. It became too overwhelming for him. He pushed everything down as far as he could and pretended he was fine.
But you could see it in his eyes. Just like now, that sparkle was gone. He barely spoke, and if he did, it was about anyone else. He just focused on finishing the day and praying no one talked to him the entire time.
Until one day, you both went to a street fair to celebrate high school being over. There were a few booths with carnival games and one that let you break plates. You dragged him over, encouraging him to destroy some ceramic dinnerware and let it all out. He did, but after breaking a good handful of plates, it was as if something in him snapped.
You rushed him out of the booth, taking him to a darkened alley to fully cry in peace. He hated crying in front of others. He hated the idea of people perceiving him as weak. You’ve told him many times it doesn’t, but you still take him somewhere quiet and safe when you know he’s upset.
He cried in your arms in that alley for thirty minutes, finally letting you take him home and having him fall asleep in your arms.
You’re pulled from the memory when Jungkook’s hand pulls yours closer. You shift on the couch, wrapping your arms around him as he curls into your side. His tear stained face finds its home in the space between your neck and shoulder, his hands tightly grabbing at any part of you he can like you’re his lifeline.
In a way, you are, to him at least.
Just like he’s yours.
He cries in your arms for what feels like fifteen minutes, random words stumbling out of his sobs, followed by questions that will never get answered and wishes that will never be granted. You continue to stay silent, only ever whispering that he’s okay, he’s safe, and to let it out. Every now and again kissing the top of his head when he grew silent, clutching him harder when the sobs returned stronger.
Somewhere in the living room, your phone rings. You ignore it.
Not right now.
It rings again. You bury your face in Jungkook’s messy curls, focusing on the smell of his conditioner instead.
Please stop.
On the third call, Jungkook lifts his face from your neck just enough to look at you.
“You should get that.” His voice is a hoarse whisper. Your hand softly cradles his cheek as you shake your head.
“Nah. My top priority right now is making sure you’re okay.”
He smiles. It’s broken and weak, but it’s there as he pulls away from you, sitting up straight and rubbing his hands across his puffy face.
“I’m okay.” He mumbles behind his hands, “I’m puffy and probably need to rehydrate. But I’m okay.”
“We can wrap an ice pack in a towel to reduce the puffiness. And there’s water in the fridge, I’m sure.” You mimic how he sits, brushing some of his hair out of his face.
“Mmm. We should do a spa day. Once you and Ry are a little better, that is.”
“I look forward to it. Full on facemasks and mani/pedis.” It's a soft whisper. You do genuinely hope there will be a time when you three can go back to normal. Or as normal as you can without your brother.
“You sure you’re okay, Koo?” He nods, but you shake your head. “I need you to promise me you’ll stop blocking everything out. We’re all hurting. We’re all scared of a future without him. We’re all going through this together. You don’t have to always try to be the big brave hero.”
“But then what am I? I feel like I need to be something or do something so I’m not…so I don’t—”
“Remember that he’s gone?”
He’s silent for a moment, eyes dancing around his best friend’s studio where he’s spent countless hours pacing the floor while Kai was at his desk or on the couch talking about complete nonsense, complaining about Ryujin or ranting about your latest relationship failures.
“Yeah…” his head drops, eyes falling to the floor in defeat. “I just want to forget. Focusing on anything else helps with that.” You stop yourself from reaching out to touch him again, instead placing both your hands on your lap, twiddling your fingers in place.
“Jungkook?” You tilt your head to the side, eyebrows knit together as you focus on your hands, carefully forming the words in your brain before speaking again.
“Kai’s gone. He died. I was there. I held his hand as he died. So, I understand wanting to forget that he’s gone and distracting yourself from remembering. But I relive that moment every day. I don’t have that same luxury you do of being able to forget. I wake up every morning thinking this is a sick nightmare and that he’ll be on the couch or in the kitchen stealing our food. But then he’s not. And I have to remember what it felt like to hold his hand for the last time. I have to remember watching them take his body away.”
You don’t even realize you’re crying until the feeling of Jungkook’s hands holding yours makes you flinch, causing the tears to fall on them.
“So please, please, understand what I’m saying when I say how lucky you are that you have that option to forget, but also how ridiculous and rude it is to Kai to want to forget that he’s gone.”
“Y/n…that’s…I would nev—”
“He was your best friend, Jungkook. He always will be in a way. He would've been your brother-in-law once he and Ry got married. Don’t do that disservice to your best friend by trying to forget that he died. Forget the fights, forget the disagreements and all the bad moments you had with him. That’s fine. But don’t forget Kai, okay?”
He remains silent, lips shut tight, and eyes watering again. But he nods, squeezing your hands with his as a quiet okay escapes his lips.
Your phone rings a fourth time, and you groan, letting go of Jungkook’s hands and getting up. You stomp over to your phone and glare at the screen.
Mother (7) Missed Call
Mother (12) Text Message
Father (1) Text Message
Yoongi (3) Text Message
You put your phone on silent, slipping it into your backpack all the way at the bottom.
The door to Kai’s room closes, and Jungkook appears behind you.
“Was that Yoongi?” His voice carries no negative tone for once, no malice or anger. You shake your head, picking up the canvas tote that’s quickly taken away from you by Jungkook.
“My mother…” your voice trails as you watch him walk towards the front door. He grimaces in your direction when your feet finally catch up to him.
“Gross.” He steps out of the studio, letting you lock the door. You both silently head down the elevator and back to his car, where he waits until you both have your seatbelts on and your hand is back in his when he pulls out of the parking space.
“What does she want now?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Probably asking when I’m gonna come back home and get a real job now that they’re left with the lesser child.” You scoff, eyes on the road.
“That or she already wants me to make plans for Christmas. Which I don’t want to think about at all.”
Jungkook smirks, bringing your hand to his chest at a stop light. It takes you a second until you realize you’ve made it several blocks without your heart rate skyrocketing. Your eyes have been watching every car just like last night, but it feels less stressful.
Because it’s him. It’s always him.
“Why is it always you?”
“Hmm?” The light turns green, and he steps on the gas. The feeling of panic is still there. But you’re able to push it back down. You don’t say anything, and he doesn’t question you further as he pulls into the school’s parking lot.
He exits the car first, helping you out next and putting your canvas tote on his shoulder. His hand finds yours again as you both walk to the art building in silence.
“So when do I get to see the painting?” He questions, handing you the tote.
“At the showcase.” You smile at his pout.
“But that's months away.”
“Exactly. I don’t think I want anyone important to see any of it until then. It’s hard enough that I can’t see the colors right now. I don’t need other people seeing whatever mess I’ve made.”
“I’m sure it’s beautiful. Just like everything you create.” His hand squeezes yours, and you smile at the feel of his hand wrapped around yours. Your safety blanket.
“I can’t wait to see your showcase next year. It’s gonna be great. You should use that one photo you took when we all went on that hike and saw all those stars.” You grin, the memory is still so bright and real in your mind. The meteor shower you wanted to see so badly that you convinced the three of them to hike up a mountain with you just to see it.
“You and that damn mountain. You bamboozled us.” Jungkook groans.
“Excuse me. You said you had fun and would do it again!”
“Only if you wanted to. And had a better reason. And without Ryujin. She complained the entire time. Even Kai was getting annoyed.”
“Okay. We’ll go back, just the two of us, the next time there’s a good meteor shower.”
“It’s a date.”
You nod, but don’t respond. That phrase suddenly has such a bigger meaning than it did before. Instead, you focus on climbing the stairs to the third floor and approaching your classroom. His voice eventually breaks you out of your racing thoughts.
“Do you want a ride home tonight?”
“I need to actually clean my brushes from last night. So I’ll be at the studio. Besides, isn’t your last class later than mine?”
“Fair. I can come get you after? Or bring food?” Your silence makes him panic, “or not. I just hate the idea of you out on your own so late…that’s all. I’m not trying to control you or anything.”
“No, no. I get it. Yeah. Come by after class. That’s fine. I just. I don’t know. Sorry.” You shake your head, gripping the straps to the tote. Confused, Jungkook opens his mouth to ask you to clarify what you’re saying, but the sound of his and your name from down the hall stops him.
Your eyes find the source of the shout and land on Joshua and Jimin. Joshua glances down to your hand in Jungkook’s before shooting you a smirk. You let go out of instinct and readjust your grasp on your tote with both hands and avoid how Jungkook looks at you.
“Hey, Jimin. How’s your second to last year so far?” You smile at him. His face flashes from confusion towards Jungkook to the same friendly smile you have towards him.
“It’s great! Frustrating moments when my equipment decides not to function, but that’s expected. How—, uh, how’s your painting?”
You can’t blame him for sounding hesitant. You haven’t seen Jimin since the funeral, and with the way everything that happened that day, you’d be treading lightly too.
“It’s…going. I’m trying to change the way I paint. I’m not excited about the showcase, though.”
“Oh, yeah. Taehyung’s been going on about it. You two have a lot to do, huh?” You smile at the mention of his boyfriend, missing the nights you’d invite them out to drink with the rest of the sQuad.
“Yeah. I’m not sure how to get it all done in time. But I can’t wait to see what Taehyung does.”
He smiles in return, and it’s suddenly awkward. You don’t know what you’re supposed to say next. Jimin looks just as lost, and Joshua is on his phone. Jungkook sniffs for the sake of making a noise.
“We should go out to that karaoke bar again soon.” His voice breaks the silence, the three of you looking up at him.
“I think that’s a great idea.” Joshua chimes in, “but first, we have a class that starts in forty-five seconds. See ya, friends.” He grabs your wrist, spinning you around in the direction of the classroom, dragging you with him.
“Shua, class starts in ten minutes. Not forty-five seconds.” You whine as he sits you down in your seat, sitting next to you after going across the room and coming back with two blank canvases, setting one on his easel and the other on yours.
“I know. But I needed to get you away from Jungkook so you could tell me why y’all were holding hands.” He grins, turning to face you once his stuff is set up.
“This isn’t elementary school, Joshua. We can hold hands without it being anything.” You glare at him, slowly pulling your tools out of your bag, and placing them neatly on the table next to your easel. You grab a second easel, a much smaller one, and place it next to the big window.
“While that is true, y/n, it’s you and Jungkook. Everything either of you do with one another means something. Always has been, always will.”
You look down at your canvas tote with a frown. He’s not wrong. That’s how you two are. Every action, every sentence, every thought. It all means something. Even if that something is meaningless to others, it’s the world to you both.
“I guess…” you sigh, opening the tote and pulling out your canvas. Suddenly very hyper aware others can see it as you set it down on the easel by the window.
“Oh, holy shit, that’s beautiful, y/n.” Joshua says, standing up to look closer, “the colors are stunning.”
“Are they…?” You squint at the painting. Some colors are just barely visible. You see the purple a little stronger, and a bit of what you think is yellow? You’re still not sure.
“Yeah, the way you blended the green with the—”
“No! Don’t tell me. I wanna wait.”
“Wait for what?”
“For when I can see the colors again.” You grin, actually feeling hopeful for once. Joshua smiles back, patting your shoulder and sitting back down. Before Joshua can question further, Professor Varon walks in exactly as class is set to begin.
“Okay, everyone! Let’s get to it! The first week is done, and now down to serious business!”
The class goes by so fast you’re not even sure you registered any information in your brain. You spent too much time glancing between the professor and your finished painting. At one point, while walking the room, he stopped by you, eyes on the finished piece as he asked you to stay after class.
Joshua packs up his stuff, saying goodbye to you with the promise of getting together for clothes shopping in a week or two. Professor Varon makes his way to your seat next to the big window once everyone is out.
“So, how was the process?”
“The what?” You look up at him, his eyes still on the painting. “Oh. Uh, shit? Yesterday after I left I went to our shared studio for the first time…”
How was that only yesterday?
“And how’d that go? Being in a place you used to spend a lot of time with him in?”
“Horribly?” You let out an exasperated laugh, “I went in his room, had a panic attack, made a horrible decision, woke up, sat in his room talking to nothing, and then finished the painting.” He gives it a beat of silence before he smiles.
“So it sounds like it went pretty well.” You both laugh as you slowly put your stuff away.
“I guess so. It felt good painting…I just kinda zoned out for a few hours, and when I came back, it was done more or less.”
“And what about the colors?”
“Joshua said there was green in it. I can kind of see purple, and I think there’s yellow. But I’ve decided to stop straining to see it.”
“That’s a good idea,” he smiles at you, “just keep painting, y/n. You’ll see it again.”
“Thank you…I’m trying.”
“That’s all you can do sometimes.” He shrugs, walking back to his desk as you put the canvases back in your tote. “And put that one in your showcase. Everyone should see it.”
Hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think, any ideas on where it’s going or any questions. The next chapter is Ryujin’s POV and oh boy is that not gonna be fun to write. 😖
#kflixnet#wkcnet#btshoneyhive#btscarnivalnet#kvanity#thekpopuniverse#btswritersclub#kelly posts#kelly writes#fic: feeling in chaos#jungkook x reader#jeon jungkook#jjk#jjk x reader#jungkook series#jungkook fic#bts#bts jjk#jungkook x y/n#jungkook angst#jungkook drama#x member#bts jungkook#jungkook
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Two-Faced Commentary
People went really big this week! There were a lot of cool tropes, novel mechanics, and a surprising number of white cards with hexproof.
@alextfish - Manifold Core
The front side of this card is a very powerful cost reduction effect, especially given that it applies to a set of cards that often don’t have any colored mana in their costs. I suspect that would often function as a combo piece in decks that don’t intend to transform it, to a degree that it overshadows the rest of the card a bit, but the overall flavor is good. The card is also very aggressive when transformed on turn 4, although that you need to four-for-one yourself to get the creature serves as a powerful check.
@bread-into-toast - Guilt-Wracked Artist
A genuinely horrifying card concept. I’m not 100% sure that I follow what the treasure represents in the story (the key?), but it’s still very unnerving.
Mechanically, the card holds together reasonably well, in that if you get the card in the graveyard the “right” way, then it’s easier to pay the disturb cost, and the mutual discard plays reasonably with a graveyard-focused strategy.
@decayingbooks - Graceful Swan
This is a great transformation trope, and a very strategy-heavy flip card. Flip cards that gain value by flipping back and forth are established design space, with Huntmaster of the Fells being the most notable, but this card adds the additional wrinkle that, once you’ve accumulated enough bird tokens, you want it to be night on your own turn to take advantage of the ability to buff your tokens. (Although both activated abilities do have value on your opponent’s turn.)
While it’s doing reasonable flavor work, the ability that makes your bird creature tokens humans may be overkill. There’s nothing wrong with trinket text, and in a set with human tribal elements it could be genuinely relevant, but the card is already fairly complicated.
@deg99 - Seraph of Salvation
The creature revealing its true demonic nature (or falling angel, but my understanding is that this is the former) trope is a good fit for a TDFC. There’s a ton packed into this card - the front side on its own is very flashy, and threatening an instant-speed Mythos of Snapdax once the card is on the field changes the way the game is played significantly. (Wrathing at instant speed is a big deal.) The mechanics of each side don’t feel all that strongly connected, but they make enough sense on their own. I like the aesthetic decision to leave the demon W/B rather than making it mono-black, as its effect is more strongly associated with white.
@dimestoretajic - Zosusk, Cruel Taskmaster
The front half of this card is extremely strong. Even at four mana, a super-Ashnod’s Altar that can go in the command zone is a scary proposition, especially given that it’s also difficult to remove and can cash itself out for a treasure if it would die. The indestructibility is arguably overkill, especially as the card can generate a lot of value even if it is removed right away.
Similarly, I’m not sure if the back half particularly needs hexproof; if you’ve got any kind of board, it generates a lot of value, and I think that on balance it’s better if that’s answerable.
The idea of a card that’s sort of a side-grade when transformed is interesting, as is the tension about whether or not to cash out your creatures if it’s going to transform, and I like that the tension is abated a bit by the fact that both halves make sense in the same deck, even though they operate differently.
@fractured-infinity - Velis, Distorted Reflection
This is a really clever twist on the Evil Twin design space. The back side is very powerful, but the effort required to get there is real and meaningful, and the front side is enough of a slightly bad deal on its own that the transformation ability isn’t just a freebie. Needing to specifically see a creature with the same name die is also fairly clever, as it means that Velis needs help to transform. (You can’t just crash Velis into whatever it’s copying.) The back side does have a pretty high level of inevitability; once you’re at six mana, you can effectively “steal” any creature your opponent plays before they can attack with it, and in Commander can be used to keep other commanders off of the field. This latter feature might make this card safer as a non-legendary creature.
@gollumni - Ral, Untapped Potential
The front half of this card makes a lot of sense as a Ral card. The sparking condition doesn’t tie directly into Ral’s own sparking story in any obvious way (he sparked when he discovered his partner was cheating on him), but it mechanically ties into what the character is about and strongly enables his fairly stiff sparking condition.
If I have a quibble with this card, it’s that you often won’t be able to productively make use of Ral the turn he flips. To do so, you’d need a fourth instant or sorcery that you can cast that turn, this time at full price, and if it’s a very cheap spell then the amount of value you’re getting is pretty modest.
@greensunzenith - Escape from the City
What I think really elevates this card above the basic idea of a Saga that transforms into a creature is that it does something with the lore counters after transforming. Unless I’m missing something, haste on Hazoret is mostly superfluous, as it will nearly always have been on the battlefield from the beginning of your turn when it transforms. (It could still matter if you double proliferate or if it changes controllers, I guess.)
@grornt - Inconspicuous Youth
This card is another fantastic choice for a transformation trope. This one does a magical girl transformation in a non-obvious but flavorful way, where the character transforms specifically in response to a major threat, and then reverts when the threat is gone. That it transforms even when the major threat is your own card feels like an acceptable flavor bend for the sake of making the card playable, and that it reverts as soon as any major threat is gone is a reasonable choice for simplicity. (It could also check for 6 MV creatures at the end of the turn.)
I went back and forth on whether I liked the back half having defender. On one hand, it allows the back half to be far bigger and scarier than if it didn’t have defender; without that, the transformed half needs to shrink or the card needs to cost more. It’s also fine flavor. On the other hand, it really gums up the board, as it’s very difficult to profitably attack into the card. Additionally, it kind of creates an “...oh” moment when reading the back.
Lastly, I think that a white creature just straight up having hexproof is a bit of a bend (although not one wholly without precedent.) The flavor helps justify it (and it’s definitely mechanically relevant), but flavor can justify a lot of things.
Despite these questions, I do really think the design is very clever, and it was one of my favorites from this week.
@helloijustreadyourpost - Marchesa, Tyrant Queen
The mirrored Abyss effects are clever together, and the flavor helps to sell the shift. The nontoken clause on the first side is doing several interesting things in terms of not only making the card a bit stronger as a control tool, but in helping enable the flip. Giving opponents a natural out on the back side helps check the overall power level of the card as well, and I think it’s a positive that any wrath is an answer for the back half in Commander. While the flavor makes sense and it certainly makes the card stronger, I could take or leave the second ability on the back.
@hiygamer - Penultimate Form
I like that this card cleverly ties the “quest” condition to something that the reverse side of the card will naturally need. I also think that the triggered ability on the back is extremely clever, in that helps make the card less tricky. Without the triggered ability on the back, there’s a not-immediately-obvious interaction where casting instant spells in response to each other allows the creature to transform with five loyalty counters on it, which is a major advantage in that the card can use its -4 ability right away and survive. Stealing a creature is extremely powerful protection for a planeswalker and strong in general. However, because a similar ability is present on the back, players don’t need to recognize that stacking instants correctly allows the planeswalker side to start with five+ loyalty counters, as you can get the same effect by just casting them in sequence.
@hypexion - Sigarda, Fallen Grace
The transform condition on this card is quite difficult, even with the amount of Eldrazi token-making available and its ability to fuel itself, but the front half is plenty strong. Large, evasive, efficient hexproof creatures are something that I think they shy away from a bit now (and white rarely gets creatures that just have unconditional hexproof), although the throwbacks to Sigarda’s first card are clear. While the back half of the card is a meaningful upgrade, the front half is strong enough that it stands on its own - many decks may not worry about flipping the card at all.
@i-am-the-one-who-wololoes - Ormendhal Weakened
Ormendhal is a potent abyss effect, and having it wait until your upkeep to trigger for all players is a good safety choice - it gives your opponents a healthy window of time to respond to it. The backside is something of a consolation prize, as in many circumstances it will operate like a basic Plains, but the flavor is interesting. I don’t totally understand the decision to allow the land to tap for colorless instead of just white; outside of an environment where colorless mana costs exist, it won’t make much of a difference, and while there have been Eldrazi on Innistrad (and Ormendahl was affected by Emrakul), the connection seems a little loose to justify what’s otherwise an unusual line of rules text.
@jsands84 - Battered Lamp
This is a really fun design. That you need another creature to “rub” the lamp is a cute piece of text, and allows for other costs on the card to be pulled down to really attractive levels
The degree of inevitability on this card (5-power, evasive, bounces any blockers your opponent has, requires either artifact destruction or instant-speed creature destruction), along with its complexity, might push it to rare, although I like that the numbers work out such that this doesn’t win the game on its own.
I’m not sure whether this is intentional, but you can effectively get “infinite wishes” by having Zephyr Djinn bounce itself when you transform it for the last time. It’s enough of a tempo hit that I don’t think it’s a power level concern, and if you’ve already made (and probably attacked with) a 5-power evasive creature twice, then there’s a good chance that you’d rather attack with the Djinn the third time than to bounce it, but I felt that it was an interaction worth pointing out.
@kellylogs - Klara, Embereth Aspirant
This is a sufficiently clean, elegant transform condition that, even though this is not an existing planeswalker character, tells a clear story. I do feel like the backside of this card could be a bit stronger; if you’ve successfully attacked alone with Klara, blockers may not be something that’s causing you problems, and in an aggressive deck a 3/2 with Exalted may be at least as powerful planeswalker side in many scenarios. (Although being able to get a 2/2 Vigilance creature right away means that you don’t fall back much in terms of board presence.)
The -7 ability in particular could probably also use a bit more juice. While it’s technically a three-turn ult, its impact disappears if Klara does, and the +2 ability required to get to it is pretty weak (especially on the turn when Klara transforms, where it will generally do nothing.)
@misterstingyjack - King Pakesh II
The two sides of this card are loosely mechanically connected (they both like it if your opponents’ creatures die, although both halves can also be fueled in other ways), but the flavor helps tie them together. I think that limiting the front half to one treasure/turn is a good decision both in that it helps keep the cost of the card down and in that the card isn’t so good that you don’t care about the back half. Both halves have unique mechanics that still feel reasonably elegant and flavorful, and I like that the card doesn’t try to do too much. This is also a cool recontextualization of Disturb in general.
@morbidlyqueerious - Niko, Quizzical Javelineer
You mentioned that this card is revised from an earlier contest where the goal was to make a card that included every letter of the alphabet, and while that shows in the card’s name, the overall package isn’t stretching or squishing tooooo much to meet that criterion. Niko offers a larger amount of repeatable scry that exceeds what’s generally printed, although needing to connect with what’s otherwise a gray ogre to get it makes it such that it’s not likely to fire too many times in one game. The flip condition is challenging enough that I think the strongish +2 ability on the reverse side is justified, especially as it will often leave Niko vulnerable. If anything, I think the reverse side could perhaps be a smidge stronger.
I’m not sure whether this is intentional or not, but I do think that it’s interesting that it’s easier to meet the card threshold for the when you’re on the draw, but easier to meet the unblocked attack condition when you’re on the play.
@naban-dean-of-irritation - Will, Stoic Cryomancer
This is a pretty clever way of handling a flip walker that represents power sets found in two different colors, and the card does a solid job of feeling like a tag team. Another cool thing about this card is that it defies the legendary rule as long as you leave both copies on different sides.
If I have a critique of the card, it’s that I do think it’s a bit difficult to reach Will’s ult, however. If you play the card on curve (turn 3), you generally can’t flip it until turn 4. From there, you need to use the +2 three times to get to 10 loyalty, which is only possible if your opponent consistently has at least two creatures. That takes you to turn 7, which means that you can use the Ult on turn 8, making it a five-turn ult (or four turns if you were able to flip Will on turn 1). The ult only does something, however, if you control another planeswalker. While the ult is not a big deal on a planeswalker that’s this flexible, I think it could be a smidge cheaper. (-9 would save you no turns on building to it, but means that you don’t need to have another walker in play to use it.)
I’m also not sure if overtly making typeless permanents is something that’s worth putting on a card, given the potential confusion. The rules can handle it, and there are ways of making it happen in-game already, but similar gameplay can be achieved in more conventional ways.
@nicolbolas96 - Ugin, Last Among Elders
This is another card where the front half is almost worth it on its own, so the relatively steep flip requirement is fine, as it serves as more of a bonus. Life gain and card draw aren’t the things I most strongly associate with Ugin, but the card draw works as a mirror of Nicol Bolas, the Ravager, and the package is sort of like a miniature version of Ugin’s ult.
This is a small thing, but I wish Ugin was a bit bigger than 3/3. I realize that the similar Nicol Bolas, the Ravager, is only a 4/4, but 3/3 feels a bit small for an Elder Dragon.
The planeswalker side is recognizably Ugin, serving as a sort of greatest-hits of his associated cards. The novel ultimate will win the game on the spot in any deck built around it, but as you spent 5+8 mana on Ugin already and upticked it three times, that’s totally fine.
@nine-effing-hells - Mysterious Ruins
It’s not totally obvious which part of the ability the Revelation ability word refers to, but overall the card tells a clear story. A land that transitions into cardflow in the late midgame and a (kinda) finisher in the late game makes a lot of sense, although opponents that are too worried about the reverse side can save a kill spell for it. A land that enters the battlefield untapped doesn’t need to do much else to be good, so the high overall investment required to flip it is a good decision. Decks that want this sort of effect will tend to be controlling decks that can make better use of the mutual draw as well.
@partlycloudy-partlyfuckoff - Tender of the Wilds
The names on this card are clever, and help tell a different story than the superficially similar Mayor of Avabruck.
This is a very strong effect; the back side in particular is both large for a 2-mana werewolf and has a very strong anthem effect. While a good fit for a werewolf deck, this card is strong enough to go almost anywhere (and the front half is slightly better in a non-werewolf deck.)
This is a minor thing, but the more common templating for abilities like the backside has is to roll the stats it provides into the creature itself (printing it as a 4/3) and then to print the ability as “Other non-human creatures you control...” However, I think the templating you’ve chosen is potentially reasonable on this card for the sake of mirroring the front half.
@piccadilly-blue - Gavony Town Hall
This is a very difficult card to evaluate, because its impact on the game can vary a ton depending on how things are ordered.
This needs to go in a token deck to do anything at all, but the day-side drawback of turning off all of your creatures is harsher than the anthem on the back is beneficial, if you’re trying for an aggro strategy. On the flip side, there’s a lot of potential to gum up the board quite a bit with indestructible hexproof tokens if you play the card after your token producers. Token strategies already sometimes gum up the board, and this creates the potential for game stalls. Your opponent can get around this by passing their turn to shift to night, but that’s a fairly major tempo loss, and it sets you up well for the crack back.
I do like that there’s some interesting things that can be done with wraths and with creating token copies of cards with powerful static effects while on the day side.
@pocketvikings - Covetous Vizier
One of two “genie of the lamp” cards this week, I believe that this card is specifically a reference to the Disney movie Aladdin. (I could be wrong about that - I’m not super familiar with genies.) This card is basically Phylactery Lich on an installment plan, although you spend more total mana and some life. Additionally, your opponent has a window of time to respond with creature removal, which is not the case for the Lich. In compensation, the front half of the card can be played profitably even if you control no artifacts. Black does, as of Midnight Hunt, apparently get 2/3 creatures with upside for 1B at higher rarities, but a 2/3 for 1B with a useful effect is already, on its own, a satisfactory creature. The first question I had with this card is why it wasn’t just a lich, but not every card needs to use the most obvious or most-established flavor for an effect - and it’s more memorable that it doesn’t.
@quillpaw - Shellcrown Phoenix
A few different phoenix cards - Everquill Phoenix and Rekindling Phoenix - have used complicated tokens to try to mimic this effect, and a few DFC cards represent hatching eggs, but this card is novel in combining them, and I think it works really well.
The one slight oddness with this card is that it’s possible to miss your chance to transform it back, if you don’t have the mana (or don’t wish to spend the mana) to flip it at the time that the last counter is removed. It’s possible to play around this by attacking with fewer creatures, but I don’t think that the card as a whole is so strong that this limitation is necessary. Additionally, due to the cost of the card and the flip condition, I feel like the game will often be over before the card can flip back, but it still has utility in getting the last bit of damage in in a gummed up board state.
@real-aspen-hours - Gathering Storm
The front half of this card is very strong, offering heavy levels of card selection at a reasonable price on a card type that’s relatively difficult to interact with. I don’t know that it’s over the top (three mana is a lot for just selection), but the card doesn’t hinge completely on
I respect the decision to use a simple transform condition. I feel like the “obvious” angle is to condition it on having a certain number of cards in your graveyard, and that’s potentially safer (the current version will, I think, sometimes be flipped with just one very strong card in your graveyard), but even that requires some building around, so it’s probably not that big of a deal. I do like giving players a decision
@reaperfromtheabyss - Wavewhisper Egret
This is a lot of card for a two-mana uncommon. The front half would be an attractive card even without the ability to transform, and the transform effect will generally scry at least 4. Blue can get 2-power fliers with upside at higher rarities on occasion, but this is certainly a very aggressively-costed version of this creature profile.
I also think the decision to flavor this as a card from Kaladesh, rather than from New Phyrexia or Alara, was an interesting one. It injects a bit of light horror into a setting that doesn’t have much of that.
@shakeszx - A Tempest Foretold
Having the saga exile itself and return transformed is an elegant way to kill two birds with one stone, dealing both with the sacrifice clause on the card and helpfully disposing of the now-irrelevant lore counters.
I’m not 100% sure how to parse the first ability on this card - I’m assuming that it’s meant to pull from your graveyard or cards you own in exile (and maybe the stack), since those are under most circumstances the only zones that will have instant and sorcery cards in them when the ability resolves that aren’t your hand, but as written it sort of reads as though you can grab cards from places like your opponent’s graveyard. The rules do intervene to stop you from putting other players’ cards into your hand, but I feel that the wording on this could be clearer.
I’m also not sure that the back side works the way we want it to. In cases of cards that exile themselves on resolution, I’m not sure that Izzuke will recognize that it’s the same card, and any other card will go to the graveyard upon resolution, where it won’t be recognized as the same card if it’s then exiled again. (The rules could maybe be altered to support this, but it’d create additional complications.) Additionally, I’m not sure that exiling your hand in order to slowly potentially get the instants and sorceries back one at a time really feels worth it; Izzuke is a good deal for four mana, but even with Ward 4, the blowout potential is pretty huge. If your opponent saves any removal for it, you’re very likely to lose.
All that said, the general concept of a saga that builds up a resource that the creature it flips into can expend is a strong one.
@snugz - Queen Bee
Assuming that you hit your land drops and that nothing happens to your drones, this card will flip after two land drops, having created seven 1/1 fliers. The reverse side will then make these fliers 2/2’s, three of which can attack right away (assuming this occurred over two turns). In most formats, this means that your opponent is going to be dead before the long-term value aspects of the card come into play. They are still relevant in Commander and as a rebuilding option if your drone army gets wrathed, and the flavor is good, however.
On the whole, the card may be a little too efficient at building a game-winning board, especially as it is hard to remove if not removed immediately. I think the card could do fewer things and still work as a card, even though all of the individual components make flavor sense.
@starch255 - Cursed Knight
There’s a lot of things I really like about this card. I like that its toughness is low compared to its power, so it will usually either kill something or die in any combat with another creature. I like that the Frog side is still a knight. This feels like a reasonably in-pie way to give white a well-above-the-curve creature, and if your opponent doesn’t have an answer or a body to throw in front of it, this puts out much larger life swings than two-mana uncommons normally ever do. Even if your opponent tosses a 1/1 in front of this, you’re still up a bit.
@whuh-oh - Masked Debutante
This card has a lot of moving pieces, but the overall package makes sense. The actual power level of the card hinges a lot on your opponent having at least three creatures already in play, but there are enough outs to it that it doesn’t feel hopeless in any case. I also like that the creatures have to actually hit you to get the counters, limiting the total amount of value you can steal. I also like that the card doesn’t have any sort of anti-sacrifice mechanism built in; it’s game-winning enough of the time as it is, and doesn’t need to have what answers do exist for it to be shut off.
I’m not 100% sure that the creature-stealing is really a red thing, but tying it to the survival of the creature helps, and in general makes the card much more fair.
@wilsonosgoodmcman - Venser, Close to Death
In inventing a new card subtype, this is the most ambitious card for this week. I also like the flavor of a doomed planeswalker having only minus abilities, and lining up the planeswalker so that it needs to die to using one of its abilities (or take damage on your turn, I guess) is a nice little minigame that isn’t trivial, but also is easy enough that you can usually expect to flip Venser if your opponent doesn’t have a substantially greater board presence than you.
The third ability on Venser should probably target only other permanents, to avoid confusion about what happens if it targets Venser, but that’s pretty minor. (I’m assuming that the intent is that it doesn’t flicker Venser.)
Even though it costs you (usually) a creature and the effort of flipping Venser, I think that the +1 on the reverse side might be a bit much. While all of the abilities are powerful, that one stands out as especially tough to beat.
@wolkemesser - Keepsafe Bear
This card tells a cool story, and I appreciate the work you did in balancing the difficulty to flip the card. At first, I sort of felt like it went a little overboard in terms of preventing you from flipping it (you basically need a wrath or for your opponent to block it or attack into it with a much larger creature), but the front half and back half are both strong enough that I think it’s okay for there to be some fairly specific hoops.
The back half does just enough, I think. There’s an alternate design for this card where the back half loses indestructible and the front half is harder to flip, and that version is probably a bit easier to print, but I think there’s a place for the higher-challenge version presented here as well.
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i saw that you play genshin impact, so i’m kind of curious... what’d be the axis and allies’ vision and weapons?
Uh oh...now you got me started. Be warned, it’s a long one cause I have no self control
Some key terms for those who don’t play genshin impact and want to be included!!
Cryo -> ice, Hydro -> water, Dendro -> nature, Geo -> rock, Pyro -> fire, Electro -> lightning
Hilichurls: a common enemy found in the wild. Despite looking like hairy trolls, they have a district language as well as texts, art and song that they share together making them an advanced species!
Ruin guards: another enemy. Giant, scary robot...they scare me...
Knights of Favonious: an organization of knights within Mondstat that keep order and peace :) very nice guys and gals over there!!
Mondstat: modeled after Germany
Liyue: modeled after China
Alfred: pyro, claymore, Springvale Mondstat
Alfred would be a super heavy hitter in battle but his drawbacks are that despite his energetic nature, he’s slower because of the weight of his weapon
He blows stuff up a lot and sets all of the grass around you on fire so if you fight with him...His teammates will take damage from him Jeez Louise!!!
Since we don’t have all of the nations of Teyvay unlocked, I don’t know where he’d be from! I’d have to explore to get a sense for it so for characters that don’t have a place on the map yet, I’ll mark them with an asterisk from now on! :)
Idk where he lives but I do know that he’d be a devoted member of the adventurers guild! He’s always willing to offer a helping hand to anyone in need! Wether it be helping Granny Ann make hash browns or taking comissions to go kill a huge ruin guard who’s terrorizing the town!! He’s always leaping into new jobs! He isn’t even in it for the money or rewards! He just loves helping out!
Arthur: Dendro, archer, Mondstat
Artie is a beast in battle! Shooting vine Aries at enemies to tie them up or temporarily blind them??? Sick as fuck. Keep in mind, Genshin doesn’t have any Dendro characters that are playable yet so idk how they’d fight but I think I can guess :)
Artie is technically part of the knights of favonious because he works in their library. He translates books written in ancient texts into the standard language so historians and others can read what the old civilizations had to say
Instead of having normal eyes, they’re slit like snake eyes. And he has leaves instead of hair :)
He has a little seelie that floats around at his side. He talks to it but it doesn’t really do anything but provide company to a lonely guy :’) he needs more friends
Matthew: Anemo, catalyst, *
It’s always good to have a catalyst on your team! Ningguang is a great example of an underestimated catalyst cause she can do INSANE damage man!! So I think Mattie would be the same way
Matt isn’t violent and doesn’t enjoy fighting so his in-game voice lines would say that lol
Mattie is an alchemist! Well...A student alchemist. He didn’t take up an interest in alchemy until like, 3 years ago so he’s got a lot to catch up on still! He’s doing his best!
He gets very annoyed with Alfred since Mattie is detail oriented and gentle...Alfred is not any of those things. But he still loves his brother and on rare occasions, he’ll assist him with his commissions
Ivan: Cryo, catalyst, Liyue(temporary)
Ivan would be a support character for sure but he’d do a damn good job of doing it
He’s buff but he doesn’t do hand to hand combat, he’s mastered magic for a reason
Ivan spends most of his time studying hilichurls. He writes books about them, translates their texts and acts as a peace keeper when he can. He gets information from them about the Abyss Order in return for free reign of small portions of protected land where they can live without fear of being killed
Because he’s from Schneznya(spelling?) he’s kinda expected to be a bad guy but he left a long time ago. But he still sounds like he’s from there and...He’s super pale too so there really is no mistaking where he’s from
Ivan can’t stand how ignorant humans are towards hilichurls so he does everything he can to advocate for them. He’s covered in scars from when he first started engaging with the beasts. A huge scar runs down his face but he doesn’t mind it
He’s got big, sharp teeth!! So he doesn’t often smile cause he thinks he looks weird
Francis: Hyrdo, long sword, *
Fran is underestimated when it comes to combat (like Kaeya...I see you slandering this man) but he has so much potential!
Since he’s a hydro, he is so useful for elemental reactions! If he’s paired with a cryo or pyro user, he’d totally boost them!!
Fran is a traveling entertainer, he goes between the 7 nations as a singer and actor for small stage plays. He has a crew of friends who travel with him, they’re one jolly bunch!
He always acts all nonchalant and stuff but once he’s in a battle, he’s wild. Especially if the abyss order holds up his crew on their way to their next tour destination “We need to be in Liyue Harbor in four hours you are NOT holding us back!” *tidal wave*
He’s a regular tavern hopper! A very recognizable face since he’s been banned from a handful for getting too rowdy
He can make not one, but 2 special dishes :0
Yao: Dendro, polearm, Liyue
I just imagine him as a shorter, richer and cooler version of Zhongli
He’d do that kick move that Zhongli does with his polearm oh man that looks SICK dude!!!
Yao would shoot vines out and they’d strangle enemies for a few seconds before disintegrating but if he’s leveled up enough, they’ll totally strangle those stupid hillichurls lol
Yao sells rare gems and other miscellaneous items for very high prices in Liyue where he grew up. His shop is upstairs by the Fatui bank. Rich people enjoy looking at what his shop has to fifer and will argue prices with him. They’re getting scammed for sure. He’ll list a set of cor lapis earrings as $50,000 and the rich will be like ‘I’ll pay $25,000, no more than that’ and he’ll take it!!....Cause thise earrings are worth $5000 at most >:)
Hes close with a lot of the higher ups in Liyue and is often invited to fancy lunches or dinners where they discuss policy, contracts and vendor permits. He doesn’t really get a say in any of that but he benefits from listening
Kiku: Electro, claymore, *
Kiku would be SUCH an awesome electo user are you KIDDING me??? I can see it now, him swinging that huge sword around, purple lightning bolts flying all around and he looks like a total badass? Amazing vibes
When paired with cryos???? He’d do an insane amount of damage fr
Kiku runs a small restaurant where he...runs the place...but doesn’t cook. His restaurant is extremely exclusive and people often throw fits when they can’t get in cause the wait list is over 5 years long. He’ll rest his hand on their shoulder and smile ‘is something wrong? I’d love to take a complaint if you have one’...No one has even dared to complain to his face lol
Behind the restaurant front he deals with the Fatui, buying and selling minerals or artifacts. That’s where his knowledge is at, not with food. He pays his staff to ignore what goes on behind the scenes and the locals are too busy enjoying the restaurant to question what goes on after dark
Gilbert: Pyro, long sword, Mondstat
Gil would be one of the free characters given to you at the beginning of the game but hey, I’m not complaining
He’s highly destructive and very chaotic in battle, he can do that spin move even though that’s meant for claymore users
He’s Mondstat’s biggest trouble maker. He runs an underground gambling room that sits underneath a tavern. He isn’t really into gambling but he makes a lot of money by running it
The only knight who knows is Ludwig which is not good cause...Gil pretty much bribes his brother into not telling the knights of favonious (peace keepers of Mondstat)
Gil never got his gliding certificate cause he kept flying into buildings. He broke his nose doing that lol
Lovino: Pyro, catalyst, *
I can’t add anymore images so imagine a floating, red and black orb. Lovi doesn’t get a book catalyst cause he doesn’t read :) That’s the catalyst thing I’m talking about 😅😅
My guy has the angriest in game voice lines, he’s inconvenienced by every battle, every enemy is ugly and a fuckin disaster. He’s just. Angry.
He’d be a super weak character if he needed to rely on hand to hand combat but he learned magic for a reason babey
He owns a flower stand in his country and makes all kinds of beautiful flower arrangements. He even picks his own flowers in the fields when he can (but usually pays the town’s children to do it for him to ‘teach them the value of hard work’).
Everyone knows he’s a total hothead and will piss him off on purpose just cause it’s funny lmao. But then somehow...Their hair or clothes will just...catch on fire. So is it really worth it to tease him? :/
Feliciano: Hydro, archer, Mondstat(temporary)
I feel like Feli would also be a free character, not cause he isn’t good or anything! But you always need an archer on your team!
Feli has healing properties for his team and doesn’t do an insane amount of damage but when given the right resources, he’d be a pretty sick healer
He moved to Mondstat to join the church there. He leads prayers in front of the church and sings in the choir inside.
He is the sweetest and has never committed a crime in his LIFE but he’s afraid of the knights lol he’s terrified that he’ll get in trouble and be kicked out of Mondstat forever! That would never happen but he’s a worry wart cause of his brother
Ludwig: Geo, long sword, Mondstat
Lud is the only one that I could really think of as a Geo but Geos are awesome :)
He’s a hard hitter but has like...No shield so he’ll take damage fast if you don’t give him those artifacts with shield in them or whatever lol uhhhh I wouldn’t know anything about that cause I suck at building my teams ;-;
He’d totally be in with the knights of favonious! (I think that’s spelled right lol) but he’d take his duty as a knight very seriously!! He’s a familiar face around Mondstat, the elderly absolutely adore him and the local teenage girls swoon over him which he finds super embarrassing lol
He has to work hard to keep Gilbert in check cause even though Gil isn’t a knight, his actions reflect negatively back on Lud very often... :(
Please ignore the spelling errors and terrible photo cropping on my part lol this was so fun!!
By the time you’re seeing this, ive already made full outfit red sheets for everyone mentioned above!!!! :D
#I was about to go to bed#but I got this notification and could NOT SLEEP until I wrote it#but it’ll go into the queue to be posted tomorrow#or....right now for you...cause you’re reading this in the future#aph#hetalia#ask away!#headcanons#hetalia headcanons#asks#always up for hc requests#aph france#aph england#aph america#aph china#aph canada#aph italy#aph romano#aph russia#aph germany#aph prussia#aph japan#long post#super long post#genshintalia au
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Every Boros Commander, Part 1
Every one of these rambles is going to be longer and nerdier than the last, I guess. We’ll see how long I can keep that up for.
If you aren’t or haven’t been at least a casual fan of Magic: The Gathering, this post is going to be completely lost on you, sorry.
Oh also I’m having to split this in half since it took basically all afternoon to write and its still juuuust not done.
Boros gets a lot of shit for being bad and having bad generals for EDH until recently, and seeing as its my favourite two-colour pair I felt like exploring, well, every option we have for the combo. I’m excluding the new Commander Legends partner commanders in this, since I don’t have all day, and I’m also not covering Akiri and Bruse Tarl since no-one ever builds just Boros with them, and I’m not including 3-5 colour decks that just happen to have red and white in them. That’s not Boros.
Boros’s strengths are in manipulating combat, in tokens, and with Voltron strategies. It is the best pair for Equipment decks and top tier for Aggressive decks, to the point of being arguably shoehorned by WOTC into such strategies for a long time. Its weaknesses are mostly to do with card draw and ramp, possibly the most important things in a casual game of Commander, but the former is alleviated by many of red’s recent card draw options and the latter easily supplemented with mana rocks- if you have enough money, any deck can have good ramp, but enough budget options exist these days that it isn’t too bad even for the “worst colors”.
Anyway, enough beating around the bush lets get into this. Going in Chronological order.
Agrus Kos, Wojek Veteran (29th most played as of writing)
…It seriously took until Ravnica to get a legendary RW creature? Heinous. Cool as Agrus is as protagonist of the Ravnica novel, his card simply does not hold up in 2021, let alone beforehand. He’s a Glorious Anthem style commander, except he works best only with creatures that are both red and white, and not nearly enough cards produce multicolored tokens for him to boost. Oh, also he’s a 5 mana 3/3 with no protection or evasion that has to attack to get his effect. Save it for the novel.
Razia, Boros Archangel (30th most played as of writing, the last place finalist)
Speaking of Ravnica. Razia is fucking cool, between the art and unique, if underwhelming, activated ability. She is also 8 mana and not green. She is the only commander to my knowledge that can redirect damage to opponents’s creatures, so if that’s the deck you want to build, go for it, though enjoy the distressingly small cardpool. God, they couldn’t have given her an extra power, could they?
Brion Stoutarm (6th most played as of writing)
Brion is the first actually viable commander of the bunch, being a pretty decent head to either a Fling deck with Ball Lightnings or Acts of Treason, or just Giant Tribal with his Lorwyn compatriots. I don’t think I’ve ever seen or played against Brion yet, but I’d be interested in doing so. Having lifegain in the command zone with a deck that likes throwing damage around is pretty nice. It’s surprising that he’s still so high, especially considering EDHREC (my data source) only now pulls from the last 2 years of decks, but I’m certainly not sad to see him there.
Jor Kadeen, the Prevailer (19th most played as of writing)
Spoilers: Jor is actually the best Anthem commander. +3/+0 is huge, and when most of your ramp and some of your draw is artifacts you’re not going to have a hard time getting metalcraft. 5 mana is a fair chunk for an aggressive deck but he turns the damage output up enough notches that I think he’s pretty good. Underrated in my opinion. How are there more Tajic, Legion’s Edge decks than Jor Kadeen decks?
Basandra, Battle Seraph (24th most played as of writing)
Basandra is the head of my current Boros deck, being a pillowfort/combat manipulation deck. She’s, uh, not ideal in that even, since she stops even you from casting removal and such during combat. Having an extra must attack effect in the zone is nice, though, and a flying commander can be nice for closing games out. Basandra at least has the gift of being fairly open-ended, but also, she doesn’t really do anything, so that’s probably got something to do with it.
On a side note, fuck you Terese Nielsen for turning out to be a cunt. No-one else seems to have drawn this character, so I can’t even make an alter. Fuck.
Gisela, Blade of Goldnight (10th most played as of writing)
Gisela has a lot of very attractive words on her. Unfortunately, 7 mana and that ability means that as soon as you drop her out of the zone, you better use her quick because she isn’t sticking around long. Obviously lends herself to group slug or Earthquake decks, but the former paints an even bigger target on your head and the latter is even mana hungrier than normal. I prefer her in the 99.
Aurelia, the Warleader (5th most played as of writing)
Aurelia was the “best” Boros commander for a long time, and it’s easy to see why- haste and an extra combat trigger add up to a lot of damage very quickly and it’s not like there was much competition for a while. She’s actually the only one of the top 5 Boros commanders that wasn’t printed in the last 5 years, so I guess she’s stood the test of time, much like Brion. I’d argue she’s pretty boring though, seeing as she has the one thing she does, but she does it well and there’s no faulting her for that. She’s the closest we have to r/custommagic’s favourite “double combat triggers” legend. A lot of people seem to run her as Angel Tribal too, which of the available Angels in the zone I’d argue that’s a pretty good shout. The Red/Boros Angels are fun!
Tajic, Blade of the Legion (20th most played as of writing)
The first on this list I’d consider playing as Voltron, Tajic’s first card is indestructible which as a former Sapling of Colfenor player is fucking excellent in the zone for when you have to play defensively. He does, however, require other creatures in the deck to truly shine, and you do have to have those creatures attack, so it can be awkward to get the most out of him. He’s a cool dude though, much better than his other card imo.
Anax and Cymede (23rd most played as of writing)
The first draft I ever played was a Born of the Gods draft in which I splashed Anax and Cymede. Clearly, I had no idea what I was doing. Anax and Cymede look a lot like Tajic in deck, to be honest, since they’re creatures that like having buffs but also want other creatures around to benefit. Heroic is kind of an awkward requirement, however, and I suspect you’d be spending more time just having it as a buff for the royals themselves. Its nice to see a loving married couple as a Magic card, though, I’m sure things will be good for them always.
Iroas, God of Victory (9th most played as of writing)
Somehow despite it being common in the 99 of aggressive decks, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Iroas deck in my local metas. I think it has the potential to be pretty powerful, since if you can meet his (admittedly harsh) requirement he’s an indestructible evasive commander with that magical 7 power making commander damage a 3HKO. And when he’s not ready to rumble, he’s nigh impossible to kill on account of the limited targeted enchantment exile people tend to play in the format. Otherwise, he makes attacking free and bountiful for other creatures, and so is just kinda good to have around- I can see running him for that alone.
Munda, Ambush Leader (27th most played as of writing)
Somehow more people are playing Munda than Razia or Agrus, despite being just the worst commander with Ally in the text (outside the type line, love you Zada) and not doing actual anything outside of that. Why the fuck doesn’t he draw the cards? Why does he just stack them? God, Munda sucks. Also I have like 3 of them, since I drafted a lot of that deck in that environment and people just pass him around. Anyone want one? Be my guest.
Kalemne, Disciple of Iroas (11th most played as of writing)
Precon face commanders always get a bit more love and a bit more power than the average legend, and Kalemne is no exception. Double Strike in the zone on a creature that gets bigger is just nuts, and it means she kills people astonishingly quickly. Even my non-voltron Kalemne deck that just wanted to play big idiots had her as a huge threat since even if she gets killed she stays big. Kalemne also happens to be probably better for Giant tribal than Brion, though he does at least get to yeet those removal magnets if they do get removed.
Anya, Merciless Angel (26th most played as of writing)
I didn’t think Anya would be this low. While she is another indestructible commander, it is conditional, and her abilities are self-sabotaging- if someone is in range of being killed by her, you’re probably not going to want to attack them just so you can keep indestructible and buffs, but you also, yknow, want to kill them. I can see her being political in this way though- keeping someone alive with her swords at their throat can have some fun implications. I think shes underrated despite her awkwardness.
Archangel Avacyn (14th most played as of writing)
(Her colour identity is RW since her other face is a red creature. It’s a bit odd, I know)
Avacyn was fucking unbeatable in draft and obnoxious in Standard (though one of my favourite magic stories involves her, so,), and since I never managed to get one for Kalemne when that deck was around I have no real love for her. She’s generically powerful without leading in a particular direction, but her flip ability is pretty cool as is her story in the set. It’s OK. Also why do people keep putting her in Angel decks? You know she doesn’t flip off those, right?
Adriana, Captain of the Guard (22nd most played as of writing)
Adriana, Adriana. I didn’t dislike Adriana as much as I did until I actually did the math on her. Typical commander games are 4-player, so she is a +3/+3 anthem at maximum assuming you have good attacks on every single opponent and that none of them are dead yet. I’m really not sure why you’d play this over Jor Kadeen, and it looks like people aren’t, so. Melee was a fun mechanic in draft, but I completely understand why it hasn’t crossed over, ever, to other formats, seeing as there are 7 total cards with it and most of them are draft chaff.
CONTINUED IN PART 2...ANOTHER DAY. PROBABLY SOON SINCE IT’S 2/3 DONE ALREADY.
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Drinking spiced cherry wine from the discounter and actually reading the lyrics of Beloved Antichrist for once - Part 2 (Act 1)
Narrator: At this point, Seth is still with his parish and has no idea he’s the Antichrist
Seth, speaking for the first time: WOE TO YOU, EARTH AND SEA!
PArish not pErish! Learn English! The mistake comes twice in a row, so I know it’s not just a typo.
“Lift from me infant smiles”, wut? Does that mean that he’s being reborn into maturity? Huh... alright.
Actually if I’m going to comment every time they use an expression that’s like a square peg in a round hole I’ll be typing until 4am, so let’s just say WUT really loudly ONCE and let it cover the whole opera.
I’m gonna stop commenting on the bad English too. I say this with all the affection available to me (like 9 affections) but bad English is a job requirement if you’re gonna write lyrics for Therion. This is how it has always been. If you can reliably create a present tense verb form and remember the s behind the third person singular - don’t apply. And the singers always go along with it. I’ll drink some more wine and say it adds to the charm.
The opera passes the Bechdel test in the second song.
Cmon, “United States of Europe”? Is that the best name you guys could come up with? How bout Eurotopia? Eurotzania? Jesus Christ Superstate? Greater Berlin Area? European Union Rules Oll People Everywhere?
There’s actually a lot going on here story-wise. I wouldn’t have thought it since all the songs kiiinda sound very similar to me. I mean I like the opera very much, musically, but the songs kinda merge into one another. They could have been one 3 hour long song. Land of Canaan has more different styles in it to my ear, and that’s “only” 10 minutes. Actually it has more styles to my eyes. My synaesthesia sees all of BA very similarly. Same colours, same textures, same sense of space. How much so? Enough that I kept abbreviating the name of the opera to “BC” instead of “BA” because the colours of the letters fit better and I didn’t even realize my mistake for a while.
I REALLY have questions about the logistics. In a steampunk post-apocalyptic world they have a continent-wide election..? Just, how long does that take? How do they communicate the results? Did they lay new phone lines? Are the old ones still functional? Do they send letters or send a messenger to inform of the regional results? What are the ballots made of? Did they build new paper processing plants? How did they get mass production back on its feet anyway? Whom did they force into the mines?
More problems that the anime adaptation will sort out, I guess.
Johanna does her duty as big sister in warning Helena not to believe every random man who acts like he’s the second coming of Christ & God’s gift to the world, a touch of realism
Seth needs only the barest of friendly pokes to fall from faith, This is Most Concerning. And understandable if you read the notes to the piece in question, but in the actual text of the opera it isn’t even mentioned before that he can’t hear God anymore. A bit rushed. Maybe they cut out a song? IIRC the original version of the opera was half an hour longer.
Also I love how meta “The Solid Black Beyond” is. “Hey WHY do you worship Jesus, I made you, you’re my son, do what I want you to do instead and, uhhh trust me it will TOTALLY work out fine!” - spoken by Satan, who is voiced by - the composer.
The president of Europe reads a brilliant insightful book and immediately realizes how misguided he has been. Hahaha. Ohh bless your hearts, guys. If only.
Garden of Peace needs to be much MUCH longer. None of the stuff mentioned in the summary actually happens in the text. Helena tells Seth her life story? BITCH WHERE!
It really bothers me that the text - not just here - focuses almost exclusively on the emotional content of the scenes and doesn’t tell us much about the story, which is explained only in the summaries. This might work for an album, but watching an opera like this would be very confusing. If you don’t read along with the notes (which afaik the non-limited edition of the CD release doesn’t even have), you’ll be ??? the whole time. I tried to read the lyrics once on some lyrics site, without these summaries, and they made no sense to me without context. A lot goes on in the story summaries. Very little goes on in what the characters actually say. And with many of these things I can’t think of a nonverbal way to communicate them.
I remember Christofer saying in an interview that he can’t write recitatives. Maybe that’s the problem. It’s like reading a text with many nouns but too few verbs. I don’t know though. I’m not too much of an opera buff. I did try to get into them but I find them boring. The only ones I watched the whole way through were Mefistofele (largely a waste of time but with one VERY good scene), and Orlando, thanks to Marijana Mijanovic playing the main character. It made me question my sexuality when she had murder in her eyes and an axe in her hands, but I do remember the story making sense.
I feel like I need to listen to the entire opera WHILE reading the text WHILE high enough that I can hallucinate the stage production in order to really judge the quality of the writing tbh.
I like the amount of characterization the characters get (mostly in the summaries). Helena has a special star she always sees, that’s sweet. Also foreshadowing. She has always loved the morning star, and then she marries the Antichrist.
Also, do Johanna and Helena symbolize the duality of humankind? QUESTIONS! The Two Daughters of Wisdom.
“Lots of stylish guests are strolling around” 8)
The mortal enemies DANCE AT A PALACE BALL. Oh this is SO anime material!
Okay this one line in “The Palace Ball” pisses me off every time I listen to BA. It’s such a small detail but it irritates me to no end. “May I have the pleasure to offer you a dance.” An Old-fashioned Gentleman(TM) would never say this to an Old-fashioned Lady(TM). It implies that he’s doing her a favour. He should ASK her for a dance, not OFFER her one, because (the polite fiction is that) she’s doing him a favour by accepting. This is just basic etiquette! You penguins!
Narrator: Seth finds himself politely rebuffed by Johanna.
Johanna: Your powers ain’t shit, plus you’re evil, now fuck off.
I do want to know Seth’s brilliant philosophy that makes the world a perfect place, but it was definitely smart of the people behind this work not to try to come up with one.
Wow this takes a lot longer than I thought. I have acid reflux from the alcohol, which I’m not used to, and it’s late. I’ll do the rest some other time.
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HOMESPORK ACT 5 ACT 1: Mobius Double Plusungood, Part 2
BRIGHT: Nepeta wants to know what’s going on. Aradia finally stops dodging the question and tells Nepeta she’s dead, but doesn’t elaborate on how it happened. She asks Nepeta to keep it a secret, which Nepeta agrees to. Aradia’s also picked up some froglike traits from being merged with the sprite -- namely a tendency to ribbit.
In retrospect, it’s kind of funny that an active player can merge with a sprite. The role of a sprite seems to involve having detailed knowledge of how the Game works and what the player should do next, but only dispensing vague advice to the player. Prototyping a player would give them full access to that knowledge with no sprite vagueness to get in the way. The Game doesn’t seem too concerned about that, though.
CHEL: Now it’s time to get to know AG better. A doodle of her declaring her to be a HUGE BITCH fades into her standing in her room. Rather gothic, and also filthy-looking; it’s dark, with a red sky outside, and cobwebs and broken Magic 8 Balls lie around everywhere. There’s a FLARP poster and numerous pages of notes on the wall.
Your name is VRISKA SERKET.
You are a master of EXTREME ROLE PLAYING. You can't get enough of it, or really any game of high stakes and chance. You have persisted with the habit even in spite of your ACCIDENT. But then again, you don't have much choice.
Your lusus is VERY HUNGRY, ALL THE TIME. She can only be appeased by the FLESH OF YOUNG TROLLS. You cloud campaigns for teams of Flarpers, utilizing your abilities for ORCHESTRATING THE DEMISE OF THE IMPRESSSSSSSSIONA8LE. Your victories supply you with treasure, experience points, and SPIDER FOOD.
You are something of an APOCALYPSE BUFF, which is something you can be on Alternia. You are fascinated by end of the world scenarios, and enjoy constructing DOOMSDAY DEVICES for the hell of it. You are drawn to means of DARK PROGNOSTICATION and the advantages they offer, particularly in gaming scenarios. Your abilities in this department were hobbled with the loss of your VISION EIGHTFOLD, and you have since sought alternatives through various BLACK ORACLES. You consult with these ominous globes, but routinely destroy them in frustration over the PUZZLING GUARANTEED INACCURACY of their predictions. Breaking them has developed into a habit BORDERING ON FETISHISTIC, and with each you destroy, you add to an insurmountable stockpile of TERRIBLE LUCK. You have to stop. But addiction is a powerful thing.
FAILURE ARTIST: FINALLY we get a name for her and we don’t have to keep saying AG. I imagine the non-Homestucks are feeling like I did when I played Danganronpa 2 finally and saw the “fingers-in-his-ass” guy.
CHEL: She examines a drawing on the wall, of her FLARP character MARQUISE SPINNERET MINDFANG, who is just Vriska in a different coat and seaboots, with a hook instead of her robot hand. She is the scourge of land dwellers and sea dwellers alike, and worst nightmare to silly BOY-SKYLARKS everywhere. She has accumulated more treasure and gained more levels than any member of the PETTICOAT SEAGRIFT class ever. She gained all the levels. All of them.
En route to her computer, Vriska steps on a D4, and complains about how she’s had terrible luck since her mysterious accident. I’d just like it noted that this is a small but noticeable occurrence of Vriska’s tendency to blame others for her problems; if she cleaned her room some time, that wouldn’t happen. Still, she doesn’t worry about it too long, as she’s busy.
So many irons in the fire. Such a tangled web. It is a web full of flaming irons and mixed metaphors.
BRIGHT: Vriska equips her weapon of choice, a set of enchanted D8 dice called the FLUORITE OCTET.
...okay, I’m getting used to characters having semi-absurd weapons, but seriously, what? Let’s review everyone else’s chosen weapons: Hammer, knitting needles, sword, gun, sickles, lance, clawed gloves, walking cane. Sollux had some throwing stars but didn’t assign them to his specibus owing to his telekinesis being enough; we haven’t seen Aradia’s strifekind yet, but she also has telekinetic abilities, and hers are apparently enhanced by her being dead. So that’s a lot of genuine weapons, and some things which aren’t weapons but can readily be used that way in a pinch...and then Vriska has a set of enchanted dice.
It’s a good fit both for Homestuck’s absurdity and for Vriska’s obsession with luck. But it does stand out rather.
Anyway, rolling the dice will execute a wide range of highly unpredictable attacks. Very high rolls can be devastating to even the most powerful opponents. Apparently these work everywhere, not just in FLARP games. Also, while we see ghosts, psychic powers, and superpowered coding, I think this is the only reference to plain magic we have on Alternia.
Vriska steps away from the computer to avoid talking to GA, who she refers to as an unwelcome solicitor, but returns to it when someone else starts messaging her. Vriska calls him this guy; he has no icon -- and, oddly, no username -- and types in white, which means the reader (and Vriska) ends up highlighting the conversation a lot.
Hello.
AG: Oh my god, why are you talking to me????????
This is the last time we'll ever talk.
AG: Still sticking with the white text I see. So smooth and stylish!
AG: I forgot how much I loved highlighting it to read all the 8oring things you have to say.
AG: It's like a fun game for super extra handicapped retarded people. Like opening a present! Find out what o8noxious thing the mystery tool typed.
AG: What is it!
A parting courtesy, I suppose.
All the ways I've exploited you were meant to bring about the events that will take place this evening.
Knowing this will provide context for the events in your near future, and will affect how you behave in response.
These events will be just as important as those preceding it.
I've gone to great lengths, you see.
Well, this guy sounds ominous.
Also, using ‘handicapped’ and ‘retarded’ as insults is entirely in character for Vriska, who has no time for people who can’t operate on her level. Currently Vriska’s also being shown as an unlikeable character. We’ll see how that develops.
CHEL: Still, a lot of people really don’t like those words being used casually, and the fact that we need to show you how things develop should imply that they won’t develop in a way you’ll like. So…
CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 39
White Text Guy, as the characters refer to him for a while to come yet, continues gloating about how successfully he’s exploited Vriska, who tells him she’ll log off and orders him not to use that nasty trick where you log me 8ack on out of petty douchey spite! WTG says he’ll be brief, though he’s not particularly brief in fact, tells her he no longer hold[s] her accountable for any wrongdoing, and says that if she accepts this, she may get her luck back. Vriska doesn’t believe him and continues to rant, and he points out that her unpleasant, simplistic temperament is what made her so easy to mess with.
If you turn a swarm of wasps on a crowd, the outcome is certain.
He leaves with these even more ominous words:
Though the magnitude of the ensuing destruction resulting directly from your actions will be neither possible or necessary for you to fathom, there nevertheless ought to be a silver lining.
The only question is whether you will live long enough to see it.
Vriska, enraged, lifts a Magic 8 Ball with the intention to smash it, but decides she can’t be bothered, and answers GA, hoping some camaraderie will cheer her up, even if it’s from a meddler. However, GA’s first question is “Is Your Lusus Dead Yet”. Not particularly cheering, is it?
Vriska, for the first time, expresses concern and sympathy for another person when GA says her own lusus is dead, though it may be undermined slightly by her own personal disappointment in never having got to meet said lusus. GA doesn’t seem very concerned, and says “Maybe You Still Can”. According to her, though, all their lusii are dying, as a “Preemptive Consequence” (if that’s a meaningful concept) of the upcoming Game. Karkat blames himself for activating the cursed code, but GA thinks it was inevitable. However, Karkat’s idea of a curse Is Inseparable From His Perception Of Events As Intrinsically Negative And As Tailored To His Personal Dissatisfaction, and so is Vriska’s poor luck. GA points out that if Vriska cleaned her floor she wouldn’t step on so many things. THANK YOU, GA, you made my point for me! Vriska is angry at GA “meddling” so, and demands to know why she does.
GA: Because Youre Dangerous
[...]
GA: Its Ok To Be Dangerous
GA: Lots Of People Are
GA: And Dangerous People Can Be Really Important
GA: Maybe Even The Most Important Sometimes
GA: But It Just Means Theres Got To Be Someone Around To Keep An Eye On Them
As Vriska gets angrier, it’s noted that she puts 8s in her typing in places where they don’t work as Bs or as “eight” sounds, and they become more numerous.
AG: Or you know, if you're so h8gh 8nd might8 an8 th8nk you're so gr8at, m8y88 you c8uld oh I d8n't kn8w........
AG: TRY AND ST8P ME FROM DO8NG B8D THINGS????????
GA: That Wouldnt Work
GA: If I Tried To Stop You You Would Regard Me As An Enemy
GA: Instead Of Merely As A Nuisance
BRIGHT: GA’s strategy appears to be trying to talk Vriska into being a better person, either by persuading her that it’s the right thing to do or by being so annoying that Vriska does the right thing to avoid being meddled with. She’s making an effort, I’ll give her that. And given that she doesn’t live anywhere near Vriska, there isn’t all that much she can do to rein her in.
CHEL: Vriska signs off, ranting about her “Lousy st8pid godd8mn supportive friend!” and heads down the enormous staircase to check on her lusus.
You wonder if any other kid on the planet has such a high maintenance lusus? You DOUBT it.
As a matter of fact, one does and Vriska knows that, but we’ll see them later. Not a continuity error, it’s just Vriska self-pitying.
From a window, we see a doomsday device hanging over a chasm by chains attached to the surrounding cliffs. Vriska built it for an especially powerful and influential member of the nautical aristocracy, with help from an as-yet-unnamed nearby friend. Vriska reaches the bottom of the stairwell, and we meet her lusus, which is…
… a spider about the size of a cathedral. For the sake of our arachnophobic readers, we’ll refrain from posting a picture. Suffice it to say she’s as terrifying as she sounds. Pan out to show the entire valley is filled with cobwebs, and Vriska’s hive is matched by a similar one on the other side of the valley.
Before we move on, I’d just like to chat a little about the astrological symbolisms used here. Vriska’s the Scorpio troll, and it puzzles a lot of people that she’s spider-themed instead of scorpion-themed. Both arachnids, but not the same thing. However, Scorpio does have multiple symbols, depending on the source of the interpretation of the constellation, including the spider and the phoenix. Observe! (I enjoy astrology. Sue me.) Also, a scorpion would be a lot harder to get the story symbolism out of; Vriska is at least attempting to be a master manipulator pulling on strings, i.e. webs. The astrological symbolism and alleged personality traits aren’t used for all of the trolls in general, either. The troll with the sign of Aquarius the Water-Bearer is seadwelling nobility and probably wouldn’t be happy to be represented astrologically by a servant, and Gamzee is basically the opposite of the ambitious and hardworking traits of the allegedly typical Capricorn. Basically the signs are mostly aesthetic and if Huss can work in some connected symbolism that’s a bonus. I don’t consider this a negative thing in particular, though it might annoy some astrology buffs.
Actually, I don’t know how intentional this was, but one fan actually analysed how the social expectations on Alternia are in fact the exact opposite of what would actually suit their astrological sign. It didn’t get finished but there’s some interesting information - read the posts in question here, beware spoilers!
BRIGHT: One amusing consequence of this can be turned into a game: Go to Tumblr, find an astrology post, and see how long it takes to figure out if it’s a Homestuck riff. Some of them even just say ‘Vriska’ for Scorpio.
It’s probably just because I mostly follow fandom-related blogs, but I’ve yet to see a Tumblr astrology post that wasn’t a more-or-less-subtle Homestuck joke.
CHEL: And the ones which aren’t make for great fanfic prompts!
BRIGHT: Vriska’s lusus is fine, as it happens. Vriska pretends to be happy about this, but she’s rather less convincing than Dave is about his own guardianship issues.
FAILURE ARTIST: And we turn from Vriska to look in her neighbor and it’s….that creepy guy! Hurray!
Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK.
You love being STRONG.
You are so strong, you would surely be the class of the elite legion of RUFFIANNIHILATORS. And while such a calling would be quite honorable, you would prefer to join the ranks of the ARCHERADICATORS, perhaps the most noble echelon the imperial forces have to offer. Unfortunately, you SUCK AT ARCHERY. You have not successfully fired a SINGLE ARROW. Every time you try, you BREAK THE BOW. You are simply too strong. You have broken so many bows, it has developed into a habit BORDERING ON FETISHISTIC. You have to stop. But addiction is a powerful thing.
You have a great appreciation for THE FINE ARTS. You use your aristocratic connections to acquire PRICELESS MASTERPIECES, painted in the oldest and most respected Alternian tradition of NUDE MUSCLEBEAST PORTRAITS. These striking depictions of the EXQUISITE FAUNA native to Alternia remind you of the PUREST PHYSICAL IDEAL that must be sought by anyone who professes a LOVE OF STRENGTH. When those of lesser bloodlines turn up their uncultured noses at such stunning material, it MAKES YOU FURIOUS.
Practically everything MAKES YOU FURIOUS. You have so much rage, it can only be expressed through STAGGERING QUANTITIES OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. You build strong and sturdy robots, set them to kill mode, and BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM in caged brawls. Sometimes you LOSE TEETH. But they usually grow back.
FAILURE ARTIST: Equius Zahhak’s first name is obviously a take on the Latin word for horses, but his last name is from a Persian demon who is also known as “he who has 10,000 horses”.
So yes, that furry porn on his walls is high art to trolls. Though the prequel Hiveswap Friendsim, which has artist characters, doesn’t have MUSCLEBEAST PORTRAITS. Maybe Equius is actually weird.
CHEL: Actually, the Friendsim does have musclebeast art; if you squint at the beginning of Nikhee’s route, you can see depictions of white muscular chests flanking the arena, which don’t look like troll chests. Hiveswap proper is rated PG, so we’ll be spared it there, too.
FAILURE ARTIST: Equius is more even-tempered than his introduction suggests. He’s not completely violence-free (as we will see) but he’s not in a constant ‘roid-rage. Heck, from what we’ve seen before of him he just gets peeved and snotty.
Equius calls for his lusus Aurthour, who I guess could be called another self-insert. Aurthour is a centaur-type creature with cow udders and a mustache and looks like something out of Hussie’s early comics. Aurthour carries a glass of lusus milk on a platter, presumably from its own udders. Ummm.
You cannot hope to beat Aurthour in a butler-off. He is simply the best there is.
Sweet, I guess.
CHEL: I wonder how Aurthour contorts around to reach his udder. Centaurs aren’t really known for flexibility.
FAILURE ARTIST: We find out why Aurthour has a shiner. It’s not because of domestic abuse but because when Equius “gently” pats Aurthour, Aurthour bruises. Yet this creature is the only lusus STRONG enough to raise Equius.
Equius tries to drink the glass, but it shatters in his hand. Which begs the question of why Aurthour doesn’t use an alternative to glass. Well, I guess Equius going straight to the source would be too disturbing even for Hussie. A bigger problem is how Equius can do the fine detail work of building robots when he can’t hold a glass.
Equius goes into a rage, which just means he stands around in Hero Mode while the lusus milk quickly evaporates. Wait, quickly evaporates? What is it made of?
CHEL: I assumed the heat of his rage boiled it.
FAILURE ARTIST: Equius tries to equiup equip a bow but fails due to his strength. Like the glass smashing, this is a normal occurrence. You’d think he’d give up but apparently breaking bows is like popping bubble wrap to him. Expensive bubble wrap. So he has the useless 1/2bowkind, a bowkind for when he’s ever that lucky, and the fistkind which he actually utilizes. Yes, in Homestuck, you can register your fists as lethal weapons.
Equius talks with Nepeta and the narration summarizes like thus:
CT: D --> Yes AC: :33 < no CT: D --> Yes AC: :33 < no CT: D --> Yes AC: :33 < no CT: D --> Yes AC: :33 < no CT: D --> Yes AC: :33 < no CT: D --> Yes AC: :33 < no CT: D --> Yes AC: :33 < no
Equius is still worried about his good friend Nepeta, so he decides to relieve his stress by talking with another friend. And here comes a line fans take as meaning trolls don’t have friendship.
It should be noted that in troll language, the word for friend is exactly the same as the word for enemy.
Though that line contradicts Equius considering Nepeta his friend only a few lines back. This worldbuilding sucks.
CHEL: Well, he doesn’t treat her the way a human should treat a friend at this point.
FAILURE ARTIST: So Equius trolls this frienemy who turns out to be Gamzee.
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]
CT: D --> Have I ever told you what a reprehensible disgrace you are
TC: hAhA, fUcK yEaH, oNlY eVeRy MoThErFuCkIn DaY bRo!
Yeah, Equius, pretty much everyone tells Gamzee that every day.
Equius says he wants get some things off his chest, which giving what we later learn about troll relationships might be adulterous. Gamzee tells him not to let his feelings be bottled up lIkE a FuCkIn AlL sHaKeD uP bOtTlE oF fAyGo and this metaphor makes Gamzee thristy. Equius berates Gamzee for drinking soda, which seems harsh but we later find out soda is booze for trolls. He’s also angry at Gamzee for doing sopor slime. Now, fans think Karkat didn’t like Gamzee doing sopor slime but we never actually see it. It’s just Equius who cares. This leads to an exchange I find interesting.
CT: D --> You will stop
TC: WhOaAaA, i WiLl?
TC: hOw Do YoU kNoW tHaT?
CT: D --> No, you don't understand
CT: D --> It's not a predi%ion, it's an order
CT: D --> I command you to stop
Gamzee is so passive he finds it hard to imagine making decisions that will change his future. Sad. And when Gamzee does get what Equius means:
TC: Oh, AlRiGhT bRoThEr.
TC: yOu MoThErFuCkIn GoT iT.
CT: D --> What
CT: D --> Are you serious
TC: yEaH.
TC: I mEaN, yOu GoT tO sHoW sOmE fAiTh In YoUr FrIeNdS, cAuSe ThEy'Re AlL tHe OnEs WhO'rE bEiNg To LoOk OuT fOr YoU.
TC: sO fUcK iF yOu SaY i'M nOt DoInG tHe ShIt RiGhT, tHeN wHaT tHe MoThErFuCk Do I kNoW!
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> This is una%eptable
CT: D --> Ok, let's start over
CT: D --> I apologize
CT: D --> I was completely out of of line, and I'm sorry
CT: D --> I have no right to talk to you like that, or tell you what you can't do
TC: aWw, No WoRrIeS!
Gamzee was ready to kick sopor slime except Equius backed down. Wondering about the timeline where Equius didn’t back down.
Still, Equius begs Gamzee to behave like a superior. Gamzee asks what that means and Equius gives a very creepy answer.
CT: D --> 100k, it isn't that difficult
CT: D --> Try to be cognizant of your desires and needs
CT: D --> And attempt to regard those around you as simple vehicles meant to bring about your gratification
At least Equius is a hypocrite...most of the time.
Equius asks what Gamzee is doing and Gamzee relates his adventures in Sgrub. He bonked an imp on the head and scared another with a horn and eventually ended up sharing pie with them. Equius likes the tales of valor but is disappointed with the peaceful end.
Equius asks Gamzee to roleplay and Gamzee says yes; there’s an uncomfortable sequence where Equius tries to get Gamzee to virtually dom him. Gamzee is terrible at being assertive, but Equius is still whipped into a state of contrition. Basically, Equius is getting off on this.
CHEL: It should be noted that tricking a child into sexual behaviour is a form of abuse even when it’s done by a child of the same age. Not cool, Eq, and not funny, Hussie.
CALL CPA PLEASE: 11
CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 40
SEND THEM TO THE SLAMMER: 4
Though, while that is clearly the reading we’re meant to get from that, I have to say Equius never reads to me like he’s actually enjoying being ordered around. With Gamzee he’s just frustrated that he’s not behaving in a correct manner, and in later exchanges he seems knocked off-balance by the normal social order being upended. I know I’m just projecting, but it reads more like he has some issues with anxiety or OCD and is desperate for someone else to take control and tell him what they want him to do so he doesn’t have to worry. He sweats constantly during these exchanges, which is supposed to imply he’s aroused, but people sweat when they’re worried or afraid too.
FAILURE ARTIST: On a lighter front, Equius says he doesn’t live near the ocean, which considering his neighbor regularly goes on a pirate ship is an odd thing to say.
CHEL: How near is “near”? He might just mean not within walking distance so he can’t casually wander out to the sea like Gamzee does.
FAILURE ARTIST: Equius ends by wondering about the social order that puts someone like Gamzee above him but someone as graceful and poised as a certain mysterious she is of the lowest caste. Gamzee (and the readers) ask who she is and Equius brusquely says D -->I shouldn’t be talking about this D → You’re the enemy before signing off.
CHEL: If one’s been paying attention, one can guess.
Next, Equius and Vriska are in cahoots. Cahoooooooots. Vriska declares her intention to meddle, and they have a brief exchange about sarcasm. It’s horribly inconsistent whether trolls have sarcasm or not, as I’ve pointed out before. Already gave a point for it, though.
Anyway, Vriska asks if Aradia’s present is finished. It is.
CT: D --> But I don't understand why you're intent on gratifying that worthless peasant
AG: 8ecause I promised I would and it's none of your damn 8usiness! Man.
Their plan is to let Aradia usurp Sollux as leader with her cute little ploy (recall her sending him to sleep and letting him swallow mind honey earlier), then both snatch power from her and become joint leaders. Each asks the other if they’re planning something sneaky and each insists they’re not. Equius can sense that Vriska is trying to read his mind, and when she won’t stop, he takes control of her cybernetic arm, which he built, and makes her slap herself in the face.
FAILURE ARTIST: So given that Vriska tried to read Equius’ mind, despite the dangers (both physically and mentally), it is unbelievable she refrained from reading Karkat’s due to delicacy.
I think Hussie has said in his commentary that Vriska had a crush on Equius. The fandom prefers lesbian Vriska at this point and so has ignored that. YMMV on if there is evidence of a crush in the text but I find the idea amusing.
CHEL: Equius goes to fetch the present for Aradia which he was supposed to give to Vriska.
You naturally will doublecross your accomplice, just as you assume she has plans to doublecross you. You assume she is assuming the same of you. Business as usual for blue bloods.
How the hell does this society get anything done?
You will deliver it to Aradia yourself to gain her favor, and then doublecross her and take your rightful position as team leader. How ironic that someone of your blood purity must work to win the favor of the lowest sort of peasant. Humiliating. Strangely titillating, even. But in the end, class order will be restored.
He takes the tarp off the present, and it is…
Why, Aradia. It appears the red glass of your eye has caught the pink and green glint of the moons in their perigees. The sweet poetry almost makes a man forget how the grime that once filled your veins made his stomach turn. It is a good omen for illicit lovers. Could you imagine the scandal if anyone found out?? No one must ever know.
But worry not. Your heart will pump no more of that despicable red sludge. You have been given a new heart. You can be taught the ways of the class you were always meant for. No one is beyond redemption.
Be grateful, dear Aradia. For the first time in your meaningless life you have met a man with true compassion.
Jesus fucking Christ. See what I meant when I said his interactions with girls were worse than his posters? No points because it’s supposed to be creepy, and with the teachings of his society it’s not entirely his fault, but wow.
FAILURE ARTIST: Well, his interaction with a girl is creepy. His relationship with Nepeta is more problematic than fans remember but that’s two-sided and not infatuation. As for Vriska, he’s cold and business-like with her. He collaborates with GA but that’s off-screen and was probably also business-like. Meanwhile, he has lustful interactions with most every male character. We’ve seen how he acts with Gamzee and we’ll see more later. Equius’ interactions with guys are another example of Hussie using male attraction to other males as a punchline.
CHEL: But yes, he’s built her a robot body. Unfortunately for everyone involved, while making out with it, he feels judged by one of his battlebots, gets angry, and punches it. It goes flying out the window and robosplodes above the valley, and its remains hit Vriska’s doomsday device, setting it off. It breaks before it can actually destroy the planet, but the chains holding it up snap, sending it swinging into the cliffside, causing another explosion. The cliff collapses, taking part of Equius’ hive with it, sending Aurthour plummeting into the chasm and crushing Vriska’s spider lusus under tons of rubble.
Cutting back to before that, we see Terezi battling imps on her treehouse’s rooftop, when Vriska messages her, declaring that playing the game together means breaking their truce. Terezi says that’s not what the truce was about; it was about STOPP1NG TH3 3NDL3SS CYCL3 OF R3V3NG3 and Vriska not using her powers maliciously anymore. Terezi’s next couple of comments are just calling Vriska a liar so I’ll just take Vriska’s, to further illustrate her behaviour.
AG: Man, you like to give me such a hard time a8out all that. I can't catch a 8reak!
AG: Can't you see I'm trying to put all that 8ehind me and make amends with every8ody?
AG: No, of course you can't see that. What am I saying!
[...]
AG: I'll prove it to you. I'm giving Aradia a present that will make her feel all 8etter finally.
AG: Then I'll 8e in the clear. Phew! Totally redeemed. You'll see. I mean smell.
Vriska appears under the impression that large flashy gestures are the important part of an apology, not actual sincerity. Terezi points out Aradia doesn’t care about anything anymore and probably won’t care about this.
AG: Man, why can't you cut me some slack for once????????
AG: It's not like I even did anything that 8ad to you.
AG: I lost seven eyes 8ut you only lost two! I would say you came out ahead in the 8argain.
GC: 1 KNOW
GC: 4ND 4CTU4LLY
GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY GOT TH3 CH4NC3 TO TH4NK YOU >:D
Vriska’s disbelief aside, Terezi really is serious here. Not surprising to the reader, her blindness is basically a superpower.
AG: Remem8er Team Scourge? How convenient all that must 8e to have forgotten! You were so nasty.
AG: Oh man, if you crossed Terezi Pyrope you were fucked!!!!!!!!
GC: Y34H 1F YOU W3R3 4 B4D GUY
GC: W3 W3R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3 L1K3 4 V1G1L4NT3 DUO D1SP3NS1NG JUST1C3
GC: 4ND YOU COULD T4K3 TH3 B4D GUYS HOM3 4ND F33D TH3M TO YOUR STUP1D SP1D3R
GC: BUT 1NST34D YOU JUST F3D H3R 3V3RYBODY!
GC: 4ND L13D 4ND L13D 4ND L13D
Okay, this little exchange needs some more dissection. Terezi is supposed to be the “good cop” of Team Scourge, the by-the-book one on the side of the law. But we saw what Alternian law is like, and later on we’ll see demonstrations that things such as having a birth defect or, according to Hiveswap, owning fiction which so much as mentions the possibility of rebellion, are punishable by death. Not only is this not making Terezi look any better, if she’s as obsessed with the law as we saw, who would she deem not a “bad guy”, and why would Vriska have such a shortage of “bad guys” that she’d need to take anyone else? Hussie appears to have forgotten that the Alternian concept of justice is different from the Earth one.
FAILURE ARTIST: And what we would consider a “bad guy” wouldn’t be the same on Alternia. There’s tons of trolls murdering other trolls on Hiveswap Friendsim without any hint that’s illegal. It’s probably completely lawful for a highblood to kill a lowblood just because the lowblood annoyed them.
WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 29
BRIGHT: Maybe. I’d say what this shows us, and is intended to show us, is that Terezi’s sense of justice isn’t just based on Alternian law, but on her own moral code. The law made it perfectly acceptable for Vriska to feed lowbloods to her lusus regardless of whether they’d done anything, but Terezi didn’t think it was right, and for her that superseded the law. She’s the ‘good cop’ not because she always follows the book, but because she’s willing to ignore it.
We also know she thought Vriska was on the same page as her. Note that Terezi makes two accusations here — the first is that Vriska killed people who don’t deserve it, and the second is that Vriska lied to Terezi about doing so.
CHEL: That may be what it’s intended to show us, but what we’ve already seen is that she worships the law; she draws and gleefully licks pictures of the head of the troll court, His Honorable Tyranny, and she shows no concern in her roleplay with hypothetically executing people for relatively trivial crimes. That makes this a bit… shaky, IMO.
BRIGHT: True. Terezi may have stopped killing since her FLARP days (or, at least, we get no indication that she’s still doing so), but it doesn’t seem to have shaken her belief in the Alternian legal system. Just her belief in Vriska, who even brings up a similar point.
AG: Well if you want to know what I think, you should start changing your tune.
AG: Cause even though you got all these highfalutin morals and fancy reserv8tions, you know as well as me that a killer is a killer is a killer!
AG: There 8n't no ch8nging your ways for good, and one d8y you're going to flail that silly l8ttle cane of yours and not find n8thin to 8ump into, and fall f8ce first into the shit ag8in.
AG: And you're going to do something t8rri8le to some8ody and wish you could t8ke it 8ack 8ut you c8n't!!!!!!!!
AG: And then you'll work hard to win 8ack their trust, and you'll try and try and tr8, and you'll see how hard it is!
AG: You'll seeeeeeee!
Vriska’s making this all about her own feelings about Terezi abandoning her, but she’s not wrong.
Vriska hears the doomsday device exploding and the subsequent rockslide, and goes to find out what it is. Terezi tells her not to get crushed.
The next page jumps back in time again -- this time, quite far back. Terezi’s eyes are normal, and she’s talking to Aradia about Tavros’s recovery. Aradia says he’s probably paralysed for life. Terezi brings up the possibility of getting him robo-prosthetics, but after the Vriska debacle Aradia is firmly against having anything to do with bluebloods.
CHEL: Terezi warns Aradia that revenge attempts will end badly and she wants to handle it. Aradia says Vriska isn’t able to control her, but Terezi says Vriska will find a way to harm her anyway. They lament how they were both distracted by the same person.
AA: wh0 was he anyway
GC: PR3TTY SUR3 1T WAS VR1SKAS FR13ND
AA: what was he d0ing there
AA: watching us
GC: WHO KNOWS
GC: H3S NOT R34LLY H3R FR13ND THOUGH
GC: YOU SHOULD S33 HOW H3 T4LKS 4BOUT H3R B3H1ND H3R B4CK
GC: SH3 H4S NO 1D34 HOW B4D H3S PL4Y1NG H3R
GC: BUT TH3N 1 DONT TH1NK H3 KNOWS HOW B4D SH3S PL4Y1NG H1M 31TH3R
This sounds like they mean Equius, but we’ll see. Aradia feels she’s letting Vriska win by doing nothing, but Terezi has a plan. She confirms that her friendship with Vriska is over.
Cut to Aradia’s house, and here I need to go into a bit more detail. This is her house:
Aradia’s a maroonblood, the lowest of the low on the hemospectrum, peasantry and cannon fodder and supposedly extremely numerous. Yet her house looks to be about the size of the entire block of flats I live in, and she lives in it alone, with no other buildings at all in sight. In the next page, we see inside her house, which looks exactly the same as all the others; she has piles of roleplaying books and posters and a computer, and nothing looks to be in disrepair.
WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 30
BRIGHT: Her house also looks a lot like Tavros’s, what with the windmill feature on top and the brown hangings rather than maroon, which threw me off at first.
CHEL: We’ll talk about this more later. For now, let’s stick with the most noticeable thing; Aradia is alive! Her skirt is untattered and her eyes have colour and pupils. Her lusus is alive too, napping beside her. It’s not quite clear what it is exactly; it has a sheep-like head, but its body is long and slim with much bigger hind legs than forelegs. Could be supposed to be dragon-like? I’ve also seen it interpreted as kangaroo-like. I don’t think we ever get a better view of it.
Anyway, Aradia knows Terezi’s advice is sound, but she can’t bear not to do something to Make her pay. She puts her hands up to her temples, and the image fades back and forth with one of wrapped troll corpses in Spidermom’s web…
It's a shame it had to come to this. You don't like summoning the spirits of the dead to settle scores.
But if she had to face her victims again, maybe she'd finally learn to feel remorse.
OOOOOOOOOO
This begs the question, how the fuck can the highbloods oppress people who not only hugely outnumber them but can shoot lasers from their eyes, control animals, and summon the dead at will? Well, there’s actually some explanation for that. The player trolls all appear to have unusual levels of power, for whatever their given powers are; most maroonbloods can’t do this. In Hiveswap a main character is a more typical maroonblood, who can just about bend spoons with his telekinesis and not much else (though we haven’t seen him speak with dead yet, and it’s possible he’s better at that). Not all trolls even have their caste’s powers, as far as I can tell, as we do see a yellow in Hiveswap Friendsim who’s not a psionic and some ceruleans who don’t seem to have mind-control powers as well. Head or eye injuries, which aren’t exactly rare in Alternia, can cause the loss of said powers. Also, the highest blood castes have powers of their own and other things to hold over the lowbloods’ heads. It’ll be a while till we get to that, but I’ll say now it is convincing, we do not have an Oppressed Mages scenario.
Anyway, Aradia does her thing…
As Vriska cowers on her floor, White Text Guy messages her again. Vriska replies angrily, ghosts looming over her shoulders.
Aren't you going to kill her?
AG: Who????????
Your friend.
The one who summoned the spirits.
AG: Will that make them go away?
Does it matter?
She brought them here to torment you. This obviously warrants revenge.
Vriska asks why WTG doesn’t kill Aradia instead, since he helped kill Tavros; he replies “All I did was stand somewhere for a few minutes. I just gave you an opportunity to do something you wanted to do anyway.” So, seems it wasn’t Equius they meant earlier. Vriska protests she never intended to kill her gaming companions, and blames him.
Again, I didn't talk you into anything, nor am I doing so now.
You were, and are, going to do this regardless.
I only ever place myself into positions of tangential involvement with events that will bring about my employer's entry into this universe.
I oversee the events as they take place, and ever so slightly nudge them into motion when necessary.
BRIGHT: Looks like Aradia and Terezi haven’t told her Tavros survived, which is eminently sensible. This conversation also highlights another Vriska trait: That she’s a very active person, but will try to shift responsibility as soon as she doesn’t like the consequences. That could be a result of her upbringing -- Vriska had to actively go and kill people for Spidermom, but she wasn’t responsible for the overall situation. (Although -- how much did she do to ameliorate it? By the time SGRUB starts, Spidermom’s far too big to fit into Vriska’s home. Vriska might have been able to get away with not feeding her at that point; there’s not much Spidermom can do if she can’t get to her.)
CHEL: The later addition to the canon, Pesterquest, claims that the lusii can psychically nag their charges and she could bother Vriska that way, but that directly contradicts Act 5, in which the trolls want to prototype their lusii so that they’ll be able to communicate properly with them for the first time, and also couldn’t Vriska just move further away?
BRIGHT: Inertia is very much a thing, and people do often just settle into a rut of ‘this is the way things are’ even when something could be changed, so it’s not improbable that it wouldn’t occur to Vriska to move — come to that, I don’t believe it occurs to anyone else either — but the fact that it doesn’t occur to her does say something about her character.
CHEL: Also, why didn’t Vriska feed the spider on animals? The possibility is never so much as considered by her or anyone else, though it seems the most obvious thing to do. Sure, the spider might be picky, but as we said, it can’t leave the valley due to its size, or it’d be hunting for itself. If it’s left with the choice to eat cows or die, it’d presumably pick the former, especially since the lusii aren’t supposed to be sapient and thus wouldn’t have the capacity for spite. For assuming that Vriska did what she had to when such a screamingly obvious better option is never addressed, here we go with a new count, which will rise whenever Vriska’s horrible actions are excused.
ALL THE LUCK: 1
Back to the scene, Scratch claims omniscience, which Vriska mocks.
AG: Sure you know a lot, 8ut I know for a FACT there's stuff you don't know.
That's true.
But the gaps in my knowledge exist by design.
They are the pillars of shadow on which my comprehensive vision is built.
Necessary pockets of void meant to effectuate outcomes I've foreseen and which will require my influence.
Each dark pocket, in time, will be filled.
[...]
I don't lie.
Deception is only necessary for those like you to achieve their objectives.
I play with my cards face up.
Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win?
Vriska, angered by this, does in fact plan to kill Aradia; Not much point in living with all these moaning spooks just to spite some guy you don't give a shit about. She can’t control Aradia because Aradia’s own powers get in the way, but there are other people she can use.
How about this guy? Unfortunately, you can only control him about half the time.
Then again, that should be all the time you need.
Cut back to Aradia’s place, and she receives a message from Vriska, telling her her boyfriend is outside.
BRIGHT: Vriska also lightheartedly tells Aradia she’s sorry, and that she’ll make it up to ‘him’ someday. Presumably ‘he’ is meant to be Tavros, except that Vriska seemed to think Tavros was dead in literally the last conversation she had. This is probably just a slip-up on Hussie’s part, but it’s possible to read this as Vriska referring to a different ‘he’ entirely, considering what’s about to happen.
CHEL: Aradia looks, and sees a figure hovering telekinetically over the fields....
Note what’s in his hand. You do not under any circumstances eat the mind honey… His eyes start flashing and Aradia looks afraid, but we suddenly cut to a view of Alternia, and then to a closeup of its green moon. The prompt instructs us to Be the white text guy, and we meet him in a very familiar-looking green mansion.
You try to be the white text guy, but fail to be the white text guy. No one can be the white text guy except for the white text guy.
The white text guy is known as Doc Scratch.
He is an officer of an indestructible demon known as Lord English. His job is to pave the way for the arrival of his master, who will be summoned upon the termination of the universe. He has worked at this task for many centuries, and will continue to do so until THE GREAT UNDOING.
Scratch is Alternia's FIRST GUARDIAN. Every planet destined for intelligent life has such an entity meant to protect it, and facilitate the planet's ultimate purpose. A first guardian is typically almost as old as the planet itself, and each has a unique, circuitous origin through the knots of paradox space. They can be born into a great diversity of forms, though they all share a common, especially potent genetic sequence.
Remember Rose’s MEOW book, and how DD used it to create Becquerel? Yep.
The code grants them near omnipotence, and when merged with a host of great intelligence, near omniscience as well.
BRIGHT: Only near-omniscence, however. Scratch is surprised to find Terezi contacting him, but he’s able to work out that she got Sollux to help pretty fast:
Occasionally I discover there are things I have not always known.
It gives me the opportunity to make deductions, which are practically always flawless.
It's gratifying.
He also suggests she call him ‘Mr. Vanilla Milkshake’, and then hints that Aradia might not be straightforwardly dead by stating that Sollux and Terezi believe she is dead, and will soon believe she is not, both of which are true statements about their beliefs rather than reality.
Props to Hussie on this: I’m pretty sure every Homestuck fan wants to punch Scratch in the face. He’s just so obnoxious.
Terezi, however, refuses to let Scratch keep derailing her for long. She wants Scratch to get involved in their feud again, and she has a good reason for him: She knows how Vriska’s been able to come so close to beating Scratch in their games lately. Before she can tell him, though, she needs to talk to Vriska again.
She starts by asking how Vriska feels about killing Aradia, after she promised not to. Vriska responds with dramatic insincerity about how she feels awful, and then says Terezi should be happy that Team Charge is out of the picture.
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, what do you want from me????????
GC: 1M NOT SUR3
GC: 1 GU3SS 1M LOOK1NG FOR SOM3 R34SON TO CH4NG3 MY M1ND
GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOU C4N S4Y TH4TLL DO 1T
GC: 1 SORT4 HOP3 TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG THOUGH
In the end, there isn’t. Terezi tells Vriska she’ll be dead in a couple of minutes, and to ‘CONSULT W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 4DV4NT4G3’ if she doesn’t believe it, then leaves the conversation.
Vriska’s little advantage turns out to be a MAGIC CUE BALL, which is similar to a magic 8 ball except that it’s predictions are specific and accurate, and it lacks a portal through which the user can read said predictions. Fortunately that’s not an obstacle for Vriska: Her VISION EIGHTFOLD allows her to see through the opaque casing.
CHEL: Vision Eightfold is the vision from the one of Vriska’s eyes which has seven pupils, which she covered with an eyepatch with seven rubies on it when she was FLARPing. Also remember that Jade had a Magic Cue Ball but couldn’t read it? Yeah, it’s another one.
BRIGHT: One other thing: According to rumour, it used to belong to the man on the moon.
As Vriska asks the cueball whether she should be worried about Terezi’s threat (answer: YES), Terezi lets Scratch know where his missing property has gone. Vriska asks the cueball how it’s going to happen…
I WILL EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE.
Boom.
This section is one of my favourite Terezi moments. It really shows off Terezi’s ability to outthink and manoeuvre people. She’s never spoken to Scratch before, but she still plays him against Vriska easily.
CHEL: This is why Vriska has a plain eyepatch and a robot arm in her future appearances, but she’s otherwise fine. Bluebloods are tough, apparently.
BRIGHT: Back in the future, Spidermom has survived the rubble falling on her, but just barely. Vriska puts her out of her misery with her magic dice, which summon up a massive guillotine and decapitate the lusus, drenching Vriska in spider blood.
GORE GALORE: 11
The decapitation sets off another landslide, sending Equius’s house straight down on Vriska’s head, but before it can land, a portal opens underneath it and transports it into the Medium.
Vriska promptly jumps on Trollian to freak out about this, because her plan depended on her getting Aradia’s surprise present from Equius to pass along and then Aradia and Vriska entering the Medium together, and never mind that a house was about to fall on her -- in fact, when Aradia points out that Vriska was about to die, Vriska accuses her of planning this. Aradia placidly agrees.
CHEL: This is part of my evidence for thinking Vriska might not be neurotypical. Not the priorities most people would have. Also, meanwhile, note that the lusii have the same blood colour as their charges, while the non-lusus animals Nepeta killed were black and had red blood. I’m not sure whether that’s a species trait, or a side effect of the weird bond between them (doesn’t make a lot of biological sense, but then this is basically fantasy with a sci-fi coat of paint).
Vriska is enraged by things not going the way she planned; her grand gesture of apology, the robot body, will now be handed over by Equius and not her, ruining her chance to be friends again with Aradia. Again, she doesn’t seem to understand how apologies work.
AA: were we ever really friends
AG: Yeah!!!!!!!!
AG: I don't know. I felt like we were even if you didn't think so.
AG: I guess I'm not very good at acting like a friend. Or saying stuff like, hey friend! You're my friend! It doesn't really occur to me.
For some strange reason related to her prototyping with the frog statue, Aradia types out “ribbit” into the chatbox, and informs Vriska she’s not on the Blue team as she expected, enraging Vriska further. Vriska accuses her of taking revenge, which Aradia denies, saying Vriska was always going to be on the Red team, and that she doesn’t care about her death.
AG: You're so infuri8ing! Why c8n't you just h8 me? It would 8e a lot easier th8t way.
AG: Or at least feel 8othered or annoyed or S8METHING! God!!!!!!!!
AG: May8e I sh8uld just rip my he8rt out of my chest and pound it to a 8loody pulp here on my desk with my sup8r strong ro8ot arm.
AG: Pound pound pound pound pound pound pound pound!
AG: Look at that, more nasty 8lue 8lood all over me. Why not! Might as well op8n the floodg8s and p8nt my whole hive with this oh so envia8le cerulean SWILL.
AG: 8ecause clearly it's up to me to feel em8tions for the 8oth of us, you misera8le soulless witch!
AA: 0_0
AG: I h88888888 you!
AG: H8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 haaaaaaaate!
AG: I only regret killing you cause it m8de you so 8ORING!!!!!!!!
AA: s0rry
Aradia assures her that the teams are meaningless, but being on the Red team will put Vriska in the position they need her in. Vriska’s confused and angry, and leaves the chat.
In Equius’ LAND OF CAVES AND SILENCE, he trolls Aradia again, telling her he will be the sole leader, which she doesn’t care about. He’s surprised she isn’t objecting, and says he needs a towel.
CT: D --> Never mind
CT: D --> I'm trying to stay professional about this
AA: ab0ut what
AA: what are y0u talking ab0ut
CT: D --> Forget it
CT: D --> It's just pleasant to consort with one of lesser breeding who clearly understands her place
He’s been established to suffer from hyperhydrosis, but he’s clearly also supposed to be getting off on this, which, since he’s thirteen, is icky to read.
CALL CPA PLEASE: 12
It only gets worse.
CT: D --> I 100k forward to seeing how well you serve me, server player
AA: uh
AA: thats n0t quite the meaning 0f the w0rd server
CT: D --> What do you mean
AA: as y0ur server i manipulate y0ur envir0nment t0 help y0u advance
CT: D --> I don't understand
CT: D --> Are you
CT: D --> Are you saying
CT: D --> That
CT: D --> You are in a position of control over me
AA: i supp0se s0
CT: D --> Oh
AA: what
CT: D --> Oh my God
He babbles about how he needs fresh air or another towel, getting so agitated he actually drops an F-bomb, which he immediately covers up with “Fiddlesticks”. He says he wants to break something, and Aradia offers to break something for him, as she’s developed an interest in breaking things recently. Next page, she flings an “abluti0n trap” through his wall.
FAILURE ARTIST: The running gag of girls fucking up boy’s homes with bathroom appliances continues!
CHEL: He’s very happy, except about her commoner slang.
CT: D --> In fact, this is an order from your leader
CT: D --> Call things by their proper names
AA: what
AA: y0u want me t0 call it a bath tub
AA: that s0unds ridicul0us
As FA noted, this bit of worldbuilding ends up retconned out with all trolls calling things by strange rewordings later on.
Whatever it’s called, Equius asks her to throw it through the wall again. She asks if that’s an order, and he can’t decide.
CT: D --> You could cause quite a bother for me, with the power you wield
CT: D --> I can do nothing to stop you, peasant girl
CT: D --> It's so magnificently depraved
CALL CPA PLEASE: 13
Aradia ribbits again and he takes it for roleplaying, but commands her to continue to do as she pleases. He tells her he’s bringing the robot body, and muses on whether she should actually be co-leader again; in fact, he decides, she should be the actual leader, in secret, through him. She points out that’s what they’re doing anyway.
CT: D --> You take to authority well for one of your b100d
AA: i d0nt have bl00d
CT: D --> Not yet
CT: D --> But soon your heart will beat anew, and through it, fresh b100d and fresh passion
AA: 0_0
CALL CPA PLEASE: 14
Equius proceeds to STRONGJUMP right up to his first Gate, punching off an ogre’s head as he goes, and to STRONGFALL out into LOQAM, where Aradia waits. Equius hands over the robot and Aradia enters it; she seems happy, but Equius cautiously asks if she feels anything else.
EQUIUS: D --> Can you detect anything within you might describe as
EQUIUS: D --> Smoldering passion
[...]
ARADIABOT: 0h g0d
ARADIABOT: 0H MY G0D WHAT DID Y0U D0!
ARADIABOT: did y0u pr0gram this r0b0t t0 have feelings f0r y0u?
ARADIABOT: R0MANTIC FEELINGS???
EQUIUS: D --> Hrrrk
ARADIABOT: ANSWER ME BLUE BL00D SCUM
EQUIUS: D --> I
EQUIUS: D --> Yes
EQUIUS: D --> Uh
EQUIUS: D --> It's a chip in your heart
EQUIUS: D --> Is that not ok
Understandably, it is emphatically not.
GORE GALORE: 12
Now, this is undeniably a really, really, really creepy thing to do. I’m not sure how much blame can be applied to Equius here, though; he’s been raised in a society which would presumably tell him she would have to accept his advances no matter what, considering their caste difference. In a horrifying way, the chip might have been, in his mind, the nicer option. Still, as I said, creepy.
CALL CPA PLEASE: 15
BRIGHT: I think it’s telling that he asks if it’s not okay after Aradia freaks out, as though he honestly hadn’t considered that Aradia might have a problem with it. Specifically, up until that point, Equius seems to be interacting with Aradia more like she’s a prop than a person — it doesn’t seem to occur to him that she might not want what he wants, unless their wants conflict in a way that he finds titillating. Then she freaks out and he’s surprised. And that in turn speaks volumes about how lowbloods are viewed by highbloods in wider society.
Contrast Vriska, who absolutely realises that people down spectrum can have their own agendas and emotional reactions; she just does her own thing anyway. Vriska is actively malicious; Equius is, at least in this case, accidentally malicious. Note that he doesn’t make any effort to prevent her from removing the chip once he realises she’s distressed. (Not that he really gets a chance.)
Equius in particular also seems to have a problem about slotting people into roles in general -- he does it with Gamzee, too, although since Gamzee is higher-blooded than him, he has to at least face the fact that Gamzee doesn’t fit into his role. He comes across as very sheltered.
FAILURE ARTIST: Equius considers it such a good thing to be a highblood that he thinks he’s doing her the greatest favor by turning her into one.
CHEL: This also brings up the question of where he got all that blue blood. I hope it’s synthetic. If not, he’s already said he doesn’t kill animals, so I’m not sure whether it’s creepier if he killed another troll for it or if he slowly drained it off from his own.
Aradia’s not contemplating that, too busy crushing the artificial heart and slapping the shit out of Equius for multiple pages, before, er…
Yes, she’s apparently making out with him as a reward for violating her mind, even after the chip was removed.
BRIGHT: The first time I read Homestuck, I thought that was meant to imply that not all of the programming was gone.
FAILURE ARTIST: Hussie did confirm the programming was gone. He compared it to a failed roofying.
CHEL: This is a bit of a shock, but it makes somewhat more sense when we see more of troll culture, not long in the future. Still, right now it’s probably upsetting for a number of readers because that part of troll culture hasn’t been established, so…
CALL CPA PLEASE: 16
CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 41
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When I’m Saved (Part 2)
“The press looks horrendous,” Agent Jareau says, looking out towards the front of the hotel as the team exits their SUVs. “Ah, Lieutenant Kim.”
“Agent Jareau. Rossi, Reid, Prentiss. Where are Hotchner and Morgan?”
“They retired. These are Agents Simmons, Alvez, and Section Chief Cruz. We have an Agent in Peyton with Dmitri’s father,” Agent Prentiss answers. “How is the group coping?”
“We should get inside.” The lieutenant says, escorting the team into the hotel’s back entrance. “The hotel has been placed on lockdown, only law enforcement is coming and going. We’ve questioned all of the kids and the chaperones. Some of the kids are devastated, some are pleased that Dmitri is gone. The kids are in their respective rooms, and the chaperones are in the Monterey ballroom. The girls are in Room 407 with the colour guard staff and two chaperones, officers have been stationed outside the room.”
“Pleased?”
“Dmitri isn’t so well accepted outside of his friends. One of the kids in his grade claims Dmitri broke his nose, and other kids have backed up the story. Dmitri has also been the subject of a few harassment incidents in school. Here is a list of people that know Dmitri the best.” Section Chief Cruz takes the list and scans over it.
“How is Mr and Mrs Tremblay taking this?”
“Mrs Tremblay hasn’t had much of a reaction. Mr Tremblay is angry about everything, but has cooperated. The colour guard staff, Dmitri’s direct coaches, are taking it very hard.”
“How is the colour guard taking it?”
“Most are sad, confused, angry. Some of them don’t see Dmitri favourably. One is exclusively regarding to Dmitri as Rhys.”
“One of them was a next-door neighbour?”
“Yes, LeAnne Owens. Dmitri was a friend of hers before they moved away into a neighbourhood that suited their Mormon beliefs more.”
“Religion? Peyton’s separated by religion?” Agent Prentiss asks.
“The town is mostly Mormon, a church on nearly every block in the downtown area. Those who aren’t Mormon aren’t treated very well once the others find out, apparently. Dmitri has been shunned for a few years, most kids only interact with him during group projects.”
“They probably took advantage of him because of his intellect,” Dr Reid comments. “Dmitri’s IQ is apparently one hundred and eighty seven. Autistic individuals tend to be more excluded by their peers and have troubles relating to neurotypical peers. The other kids would likely not understand how he functions and behaves, and he would struggle to maintain friendships. He would likely just think they were being his friends and not be able to see that other people were manipulating him to get what they wanted.”
“Our command center is in the La Paz ballroom. We have five officers monitoring the tip lines, and the media has been running broadcasts since one am.”
“What have the media been saying?” Agent Jareau asks.
“We told them that Dmitri disappeared, and that anyone who might have seen what happened to him should call the hotline. We haven’t confirmed or denied that Dmitri was abducted, but it’s starting to look like that’s what happened. Park search came up empty, we issued an Amber Alert for Los Angeles and the neighbouring counties around three am, stressing that Dmitri’s health is fragile. Free coffee in the lobby, but warning, it’s as bad as our station coffee.”
“Matt, Reid, go up to Room 407,” Agent Prentiss says. “Ask very specifically about what happened last night and our unsubs. Ask them if Diego or Jacob could have taken Dmitri. The adults may not know about what happened, so tread carefully. Luke, you and Rossi should go to the Monterey ballroom and talk with the Tremblays, Mrs Mellencamp, Mrs Kilburn, and any other chaperones that interacted with Dmitri yesterday. JJ, Cruz, and I will set up in the command center, touch bases with PG and Tara. We’ll text you any new information that comes in. Mobiles on. Head out.”
“Sanchez. Escort Agent Simmons and Dr Reid up to Room 407,” Lieutenant Kim says, stopping a passing officer in his tracks. “BAU. They’re going to question the kids.”
“Of course. There’s only one functioning elevator in this hotel, but staircases in every corner. Come with me.” The buff Asian and the pipe cleaner with eyes break off from the group, heading back towards the nearest staircase.
“Only one elevator?” Agent Jareau asks as the team follows the lieutenant towards the lobby.
“Yes, only one. If they couldn’t grab the elevator, the kids would drag their things up the staircases. There wasn’t much comment on Dmitri’s mobility, but Mrs Kilburn did share with us a picture of Dmitri in the Main Street USA parade.” Agent Prentiss squints at the picture and takes a picture of it with her phone. “What is it?”
“Look at the way his left hand grabs the pole vs how the others in the picture are holding the pole, and how his smile droops on the left side of his face.”
“What does that mean?”
“The right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, it looks like that’s where he took the most damage. Look at those transition lenses.” Agent Alvez points to the glasses in the picture. “Those would hide a drooping left eye.”
“This is the Monterey ballroom,” Lieutenant Kim announces, pushing the door to the conference room open. Agents Alvez and Rossi nod and pass through the door, closing it behind them.
“Excuse me,” Agent Rossi asks, approaching another officer. “We’re with the FBI, and we’re looking for John and Amy Tremblay.” The officer points towards an older, balding man and an older woman with red hair holding his hand at a table. “Thank you.” The Italian Stallion and the buff, steaming mug of hot cocoa then head to the table, Agent Rossi sitting across from the couple. “Mr and Mrs Tremblay, we’re Agents Rossi and Alvez with the FBI. We’re a few of the agents helping to find Dmitri.”
“FBI?” A woman with dark curly hair asks, ending her hushed conversation with a woman with red curly hair.
“Yes, ma’am, FBI. We have a few questions about Dmitri. The more we can understand about his behaviour, the more we can figure out what happened to him and how to help him. Who might you be, ma’am?”
“I’m Jill Mellencamp. I assist with band finances and keep all the records. This is Connie Hiratsu, she’s one of the chaperones.”
“When did you last see Dmitri?”
“Nine pm. He was with his friends, leaving Splash Mountain,” Mr Tremblay answers.
“What was he wearing?”
“Our grey shirts we gave the kids, rainbow shoes. A rainbow bowtie, rainbow ears.”
“Interesting attire. Do you know of anybody Dmitri would know here in Los Angeles? Did he tell you he was meeting up with anybody?”
“No,” Mr Tremblay answers, his piecing blue eyes beaming through the agent in front of him.
“Has he ever been caught speaking to strangers?”
“This one time, last year, I had found him after our halftime performance, and a tall man was holding him while he was crying. I separated them and had our drum major and seniors watch over Dmitri. He did not tell me why he was upset or who the man was.”
“He knows better than to talk to strangers. He’s in high school, he knows the rules,” Connie argues.
“Connie. He’s hurting right now. Arguing about it isn’t going to help him.”
“Are you guys going to tell them how much trouble he is?” She retorts.
“Connie-”
“He threw a water bottle, had a tantrum, and screamed at me, like he was a toddler. Was I supposed to just let him represent our school and organisation poorly? Other people might think we’re snobs if they saw that-”
“Mrs Hiratsu. What exactly was happening?”
“He was upset, and he threw a water bottle at the ground, and I told him that high schoolers don’t throw things, and he wouldn’t calm down or tell me what was going on. He was throwing a tantrum-”
“Connie. Loud noises and crowds stress Dmitri out. He was freaking out because he didn’t have his ticket into the park and he couldn’t find Ressa Kilburn, so I had him go through the security checkpoint with me and my family, and afterwards, he ran away, but he came back to the group after a few minutes. Mrs Anderson told us she went to talk to him.”
“He aimed it at the ground or at someone?” Agent Alvez asks.
“At the ground, but it shouldn’t matter. He was acting out of line.”
“Mrs Hiratsu, Dmitri has autism, and he gets overwhelmed and shuts down. Now when he shuts down, he might be aggressive or defensive, throwing things or screaming,” Agent Alvez replies. “Him aiming the bottle at the ground is better than if he aimed it at a person. It means that he is semi-aware of his surroundings in his state, and he is empathetic and doesn’t want to disrupt things.”
“Then why would he do that?”
“He doesn’t want to do it, but he just does. He probably feels embarrassed that he reacts like that.”
“He is rather empathetic. If you raise your voice at him, he’ll think you’re mad at him, and then it takes forever for him to get that you’re not mad at him. He always thinks Jill and I are mad at him.”
“How is he, socially? Does he get along well with the other kids?”
“No, he’s always closed off from the others. Most people don’t even realise he’s there.”
“If he had his way, he’d be in the corner with his music and his notebook,” Mrs Tremblay adds.
“We try to get him to participate with others, but he always just does his own thing. Jill, you’re also involved with the musical theatre program, and you interact with Dmitri there.”
“Yes, I do, but he’s practically the same way. He gets really embarrassed to have to talk in front of other kids, just almost shuts down, he starts stammering and stuttering and panicking.”
“He wouldn’t tell anyone if there was something wrong.”
“Exactly. Nick, Lily, and Arthur have better luck getting him out of his shell, but he still doesn’t ask for help unless you start the conversation. I can see it when it’s just the guard, but I don’t know how to explain it. He laughs more, smiles more with them. Nick and Lily tell me that he actually reaches out to the new guard kids, which is unheard of.”
“Could any of you tell us how Dmitri changed after his last concussion, three weeks ago?” Agent Alvez asks.
“He smiles more, laughs more, asks more questions. He’s definitely more outspoken, but he falls asleep everywhere. I don’t know how he falls asleep on the school bus seats, but he does.”
“I caught him sleeping in the doorway one morning during musical theatre class. He’ll just take little naps during class. He seems to be a lot dizzier, falls a lot more.”
“Yes. He falls when he laughs, and since he laughs at everything now, he always falls. He’s been walking around with hoods up, headphones on, using the walls as supports.”
“Do his eyes glaze over? Does he eat enough to compensate for the high activity levels? We noticed he’s smaller than most.”
“The nosebleed. Do you think that was anything serious?”
“He acted like it was,” Connie asks.
“A nosebleed?”
“He bled out all over the boys’ bathroom once, and it took half an hour to get him to stop bleeding. He was accepting the sugar we provided him, but he freaked out once we mentioned afrin, wouldn’t let us give it to him, he thought we were going to give him aspirin. He couldn’t figure out what was happening to him, and he was texting his grandparents.”
“Okay, okay.” The four adults fall silent, appearing to hold a lifetime back. “Thank you. We’ll come back if we have any more questions.”
#jennifer jareau#tara lewis#Luke Alvez#Matt Simmons#mateo cruz#emily prentiss#penelope garcia#spencer reid#Criminal Minds#Criminal Minds Fanfiction#DavidRossi
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Chapter 37: In Devil’s Grip
“An abyss which in our language is called shin’en.”
37-1 Raining down like a hailstorm.
This chapter throws Graviton enemies at you. Luckily, I was able to roll Iskar, an A-class Photon unit, when the Wild Beast adventurers got introduced. I know people at the time were pissed that there were lower class units (which would dilute the pool) but… look, not everyone would whale for the higher units nor has the patience to max SB/Luck everyone.
In lieu of not having A’misandra nor Amina, I maxed out the Whitewyrm Wand and stuck it on Zafitte^ to make her something of a healer. The otomo casts Tera Heal, chain; so with that and Giga Regen, my party won’t be hurting for healing.
Someone asked me if I’ll tackle the two Animata bosses. I did fight them, but I dunno if I’ll post up any updates about them. Probably not.
It starts with a small number of these new enemies.
Pretty self-explanatory, I think.
I do like how you can see the two black Animatas in this stage’s background.
37-2 Scorching barrier stretched across the sky.
Nothing good, evidently. Anyway, in this stage twisters will spawn as you progress through it, starting with this one, adding one more as you move on,
and ending with four on the field.
37-3 A sharp gaze drilling into his back.
The whispering leader sensed a sharp gaze
drilling into his back. It was Pa'keppar.
“Chief! How long do you plan to go on hiding here?!”
We’re introduced to some new enemies.
The Incapacitators, who only attack rows
...and Fragmentors, whose Powered Point Jammer skill will make the bar charge slower than normal for three turns.
37-4 Want us to stand back and do nothing?
A fallen Spirit with burned wings and
molten Negas lay in front of you.
They sacrificed themselves to destroy
the barrier generator.
“Why have you done this... for us?”
No one could have known the answer.
All that remained was the path these
unexpected benefactors had given
their lives to clear for you.
---Audience room
"While we're talking here, much blood may be
getting spilled, all for our sake! Chief, how can
you be so insensitive to their suffering?"
"Thanks to their sacrifice, peace will be
brought to our lands, and we will be protected.
There is no better solution."
"You really think that?! You trust the word of
a devil who leaves death in her wake, and
want us to stand back and do nothing?"
"Would you rather send our people to certain
death? I don't understand you, Pa'keppar!"
"And these strangers who throw away their
lives for us, do they not matter to you?!"
Four of the five fights here are against the level 79 Incapacitators.
Finally, for the last floor, there is a stronger Incapacitator. Three rows! Golly!
37-5 Became tears that fell from his eyes.
It’s noble of them, but certainly foolhardy. Still, it’s good to know there are people who are behind the crew’s backs.
The fights here are against Incapacitators and Fragmentors.
37-6 Filled with the remnants of unconscious feelings…
And we meet, and get a name for, the second riftworlder.
There are only three battles, but there are a decent number of enemies. The twisters are more of an annoyance, but it’s still something to look out for.
Especially in cases like this.
Poor Bahl was on the verge of death when I cleared this part of the stage.
I guess if you’re not aware of the other floor positions or you like to clump your units together, the twisters could make moving them around a little annoying.
37-7 Come forth into this world!
“What did you create using the Animata?”
“Create?”
“Heheh... You don't know? I will show you.”
The man cut off a cube of space and blew into it.
Smoke began to fill it, turning from grey
to purple, and then to green.
“The life breeder hatched something interesting...”
An awful sound, like scraping metal,
sounded. It echoed through the ground,
vibrating everything.
“Come forth into this world!”
The smoke-filled cube burst open, flesh
and mechanical parts combining into
some kind of bio-machine weapon.
Despite the story, we won’t see anything new in terms of enemies. Maybe it’s just to demonstrate that all the enemies the party’s been fighting were all Shin’en’s creations. Anyway, have a screenshot of Zafitte^’s Heigh-Ho attacks.
37-8 Horrified by how frozen solid she was.
Yeah, Mutoh is not a good person. This is of course meant to be tragic, but I feel it’d have a bit more of an oomph if we got to see what poor To’toa looked like.
The party, of course, has no idea that this is all happening. They’re still fighting off Incapacitators and Fragmentors.
37-9 I have a bad feeling about this.
---Battlefield
"Now I must go. I want to get good
seats for the wonderful show!"
The man disappeared. As if pulled by
a string, the remaining feathers flew
up and drifted back to the ground.
"Where the hell did he go?"
The battle ended suddenly.
“No! Don't do that!”
The lizard chief never noticed that all his
actions played right into the demons' hands.
Now, the planet's power which had long been
dormant would be unleashed.
It came dancing down from the sky,
penetrated the ground and spread far and
wide, just as the demons wanted.
---Battlefield
The ground shook with a rumble.
"What is it this time? This noise is horrific..."
The ground split, and mystical light spilled
out from the chasm.
The light resonated with the two Animatas
sailing the skies in the distance.
"I have a bad feeling about this."
So, 37-9 has only three battles, but the light mentioned in the pre-battle text isn’t just for fluff.
This line from, presumably, Mutoh, leads into a gimmick that this stage has. Every turn, the light mentioned earlier will blind the party and do 500 damage to them. It’s not too serious and can be healed off easily, but it’s something to be aware of, nonetheless.
Here’s a nice screenshot of what Graviton attacks look like, as well as the stage gimmick. Anyway, for the first two fights, it’s against the usual enemies.
And here is the boss of this part, Energos. Supergravity Breath is a 3x multiplier attack that also displaces your units, while Gravitonball is a 2x Graviton and weapon (staff) attack.
From my notes, Energos seems to consistently follow a pattern as such:
1. Supergravity Breath, Area (1) > Move
2. Supergravity Breath, Ring > summon reinforcements (2x Fragmentor lv 77) > Move
3. Supergravity Breath, Area 1 > Move
4. Repeat
Definitely make sure you clear out the adds as they come in, so you don’t get overwhelmed.
I believe that once you knock Energos’ health down to around 50ish%, it will start using Gravitonball, which will hit two of your units – for my run here, it started doing so at 99665/205790 HP. The wiki notes its skillset has stuff like Gravitonball (2), (3), etc. that seem to imply that as it gets weaker, Gravitonball will begin hitting more of your party until it’s attacking everyone.
Energos will continue to do its thing, by the way. But if you managed to wear it down to this point, you can finish it off. Of course, if you so wished (and had the units), you could use tap skills to one-shot it from full health.
37-10 Before you could answer, you were hit by an infernal heat wave.
So. Going into this, I have to admit I was a little worried because Iskar was my only Photon unit. But then RNGesus smiled upon me:
And I rolled her! So, not only is Sayu a great mage, but I think her character design is pretty great! (On the other hand, I don’t care for her recode’s art. It is obviously fanservice-y design, but I felt that it came at the cost of being creative.) When she was released, Sayu was actually one of my white whales for Terra Battle and I’m stoked that I managed to roll her.
I also managed to roll Kir’ue, an SS class unit who debuted same time as Iskar. The more the merrier, really! I won’t complain about having another person to cover Photon.
Some had wounds so grievous they were
unable to move at all.
The harbinger of death shook the world,
settling down right in front of the you.
Its dark aura filled those who witnessed
it with fear.
As you stopped to catch your breath,
you were just about to be assaulted by
yet another vicious heat wave when
someone called out...
“Everyone, get back!”
Hearing the voice, you jumped back and
dodged the heat beam by the smallest
of margins.
“Pa'keppar, why are you here?!”
“I will explain later. For now, we must
stop that!”
For 37-10, you get a pretty interesting little mechanic here. This message pops up – in a display of unity for their fellows on this planet, any Lizardfolk units you have will have their attacking stats buffed by 1.3x, and their defensives buffed by 1.5x.
Compare S’naip^’s normal stats at level 90: 434 Attk, 245 MAttk, 291 Def, 254 MDef. It’s a pretty nifty buff, and it’s worth packing a Lizardfolk party, though as you can see I only brought S’naip along. This is partly because I didn’t really have a lot of good Lizardfolk units, and I felt Ma’curi might still be a bit fragile even with the buffs.
There are three battles; the first two are against the usual enemies. They aren’t too bad, but the twisters can be annoying if your units get knocked into them.
For the third battle, the boss is faced – Relic.
Relic follows a pattern, as well:
1. Supergravity Breath (SGB), 1 column > Move
2. Synergy Wave, 1 row > Move
3. Axionball > Move > Summons a Fragmentor
4. Repeat?
5. SGB, 1 column
6. Synergy Wave
While Relic won’t summon back the other adds, the Fragmentor’s Powered Point Jammer is annoying, so definitely kill them.
As you weaken Relic, it will add moves to its pattern.
7. SGB, Border - did this @ 205471/308420 HP
8. SGB, column
9. Synergy Wave
10. Energy Emission, All + Fragmentor summoned
Just keep at it and you’ll make it through.
Their only consolation lay in the fact
that even after being toyed with by
malicious beings, Pa'keppar's group's
spirit wasn't broken.
Although the two devils plaguing their
planet are not gone for good, for now
at least the Lizardfolk can enjoy a brief
respite from terror and strife.
Pa'keppar spoke in a voice strong and
filled with resolve.
“We will pull through. We will never
give in! And one day we will reclaim
our skies!”
So what was the meaning of that encounter?
The lizard planet has a long and sordid history
of sacrificing lives and grudge-bearing, and
history likes to repeat itself.
What was it all for?
“If you find others in the same predicament
as ours, please help them like you helped us.”
The only thing that can be said with any
certainty is that in this endless universe,
there are many other tribes and Animatas
that you have not yet come across.
So I had the feeling this is an in-story nod to the recoding mechanics. It’s just a little strange that it pops up now instead of earlier, given you get access to recoding as soon as you clear chapter 20. And prior to lambdas getting removed from the pool, you could roll them from the Pact of Truth... Oh well. With the threat to the Lizardfolk world beat back, so ends chapter 37.
Next time: grief.
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Happily Evans After
Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader
Word Count: 1300
Summary: Heading home from a long day at work the reader runs into someone totally unexpected and they nerd out together
Warnings: Nothin, just some nerdy fluff.
A/N: This is the first fic I’ve ever posted to Tumblr? I’m excited to be moving back to Boston soon and I couldn’t help but imagine what’d be like to run into Chris on the subway. (For those who have never been to Boston the T is the subway/light rail. Mostly convenient but breaks down a lot) Constructive criticism is always welcome!
It had been an exhausting day at work and (Y/N) was just ready to get home. She had forced herself to stop at the gym before hopping on the Orange Line to take her regular commute so she was clad in a boring old workout outfit with a zip up hoodie and her favorite baseball cap. The perfect outfit that screamed, “don’t fricken talk to me” in traditional Boston fashion. The train was crowded but nowhere near what it was like during peak times, at least right now she was fortunate to have enough room to move around a bit.
That was, until the second stop.
For some reason it seemed like the entire population of Boston wanted to get on the T at State St, and (Y/N) found herself pressed up between a pole and a very buff man. She was grateful that she had remembered to grab her favorite hat that morning as she was able to avoid making eye contact with anyone and she shrunk into the crowd, waiting for the train to start moving again.
The taller man apologized for being pressed up so close against her but she only gave a nod in response. “Nice hat,” he added with a grin and when she looked up she locked eyes with none other than Chris Evans.
She would fervently deny that in the moment she was starstruck but she did find herself unable to speak for a second, caught off guard by the bright blue eyes staring back at her. She smiled when she noticed that his hat matched hers exactly, ‘NASA’ written across the front in bold letters.
“Right back at you,” she replied but her smile turned into a grimace when the train came to an unexpected stop, the crowd shifting and pushing them even closer. She cursed under her breath.
“Well, guess we better get comfortable,” Chris sighed, but glancing down at the woman he could tell she was anything but.
“That’s easy for you to say up there.” She was easily a foot shorter than him and the crowd of backpacks and elbows around her nearly swallowed her up. If she was being honest, it was getting a little hard to breathe. Suddenly she felt a breeze of cool air and she looked up again to see that Chris had slid his arm behind her, holding on to the pole that she was leaning against and creating a barrier, giving her just a few inches of extra space. She thanked him with a soft smile and he returned it.
“So… you like space?” Chris asked, grasping for anything to make conversation about. Being trapped on the T was nothing new to either of them and he figured a little small talk wouldn't hurt.
“Yeah, I mean I was expecting a little more considering its not rush hour but its the T,” she shrugged but when he laughed she realized that might not have been exactly what he meant. Her cheeks flushed as she added, “Oh you mean space space.”
“Yeah, like matching NASA hats, space,” he replied still grinning, and he couldn’t help but notice his heartbeat pick up slightly at the sight of the shorter woman getting flustered.
She chewed on the inside of her cheek before responding. “Well yeah, who doesn’t? The real question is, what’s your favorite space movie?”
“What! Come on there can’t be just one,” he tilted his head, looking down at her.
“Fair enough, top three then,” she beamed up at him.
He thought about it for a minute, “Okay well… excluding movies that are centered around aliens, because I love those too but that would add too many to the list,” she nodded as he spoke, and he paused, inhaling deeply. “In no particular order, 2001: A Space Odyssey, a classic. Interstellar, blew everyone’s mind…” he had to stop to think.
“Aaaand?” She waited.
“Well the Martian only came out like a week ago and I’ve already seen it in theaters twice so I guess I have to add that to the list at least at this moment.”
“Not too shabby. Have you read the book for the Martian? Because the movie is great but it barely scratches the surface of how cool the book is,” she replied and when he shook his head she gasped, feigning offense.
“I just haven’t managed to get around to it yet!” He threw his free hand up and at that moment there was a jolt as the train started again. (Y/N), being barely tall enough to grab the handles in the first place never mind when the train was packed, had nothing tangible to hold on to and when the train jerked into action again she found her hands gripping Chris’ bicep to hold herself steady.
“I, uh.. Sorry,” she apologized as she found her balance and glanced around for something, anything else for her to hold on to. Unfortunately all handles within reach were occupied.
“It’s fine,” he replied with a reassuring smile, even going as far as to adjust his grip on the pole behind her so that his arm was essentially around her waist, helping to steady her even more. She tried to pretend that she didn’t notice but the blush in her cheeks gave her away.
“Well listen, I actually just finished reading it… for the third time. But I’d be more than happy to lend you my copy,” she said, pulling out the slightly worn, well loved novel that just conveniently happened to be sitting at the top of her work bag.
“I mean.. Are you sure?” He asked, brows furrowed and she nodded fervently, pressing the book into his chest. He didn’t want to borrow something of hers when he may never get to see her again, but, he thought to himself, it would be a great excuse to meet up with her again. “Okay fine but, write your number inside the cover,” he added, grinning.
It’s a good thing she hadn’t been drinking anything at the time because she would have spit it out onto everyone around them. “What?” she managed to stammer out. Chris Evans… her number? It didn’t make any sense to her.
“You know, your phone number? So I can get the book back to you, if I ever have enough time to read it? You do have a phone number, right?”
She couldn’t get her thoughts together enough to form a full sentence but she did manage to nod. Her hand dove into her work bag, digging around at the bottom until she pulled out a pen. She realized that she hadn’t been paying attention to how many stops had gone by until she heard her stop announced over the loudspeaker.
“Shit! This is me,” she exclaimed as she grabbed the book back and quickly scrawled her name and phone number on the inside of the front cover. The train came to a halt and some of the passengers started to file out. “I look forward to hearing what you think,” she said quickly, the corner of her lips turning up and her eyebrows raised as she handed the book back to him once more.
For a second he found himself lost in her smile and before he could respond she was stepping off the train. He glanced down at her name and phone number scribbled in the cover and glanced back up just in time to see the doors closing. She had stopped on the platform, causing quite an interruption in the flow of pedestrian traffic, but it was worth it to give Chris one last wave as the train pulled away.
As the train sped up and he watched her turn and walk away, he wondered to himself how soon would be too soon to text her.
#chris evans x reader#chris evans#cevans#chris x reader#captain america#steve rogers#chris evans fanfic#cevans x reader#chris evans fan fiction#chris evans fic#chris evans story#chris evans x y/n#biderman writes
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you're too entertaining - johnny
request: hey there! may i request a fluff scenario where the female reader, after getting dumped by her bf, gets dragged to a club by her friends and ends up meeting/flirting with johnny (who works there as a DJ)? thank you!
a/n: ive been hella busy lately so scenarios are coming in slow lol and so because i haven’t updated in like two days i made this scenario a bit longer! (B/F/N = your boyfriend’s name, Y/F/N = your friend’s name), it’s mostly fluff so i tried to make the breakup in the beginning as dry and quick as possible :p
summary: After finding out your boyfriend is cheating on you, you’re outraged and need to let off steam. Gladly, your best friend invites you to a newly opened club, where you totally forget about your ex-boyfriend as Johnny is there to entertain you.
genre: fluff
warnings: none
word count: 3.4k
The phone continues to ring five times before going to voicemail, you sigh for the umpteenth time.
Your boyfriend told you last night that he was going out with some friends for a drink. Yet, he isn't back yet and it's already noontime. You don't want to be the clingy girlfriend, especially since you both have just started dating not long ago. You want to be able to let your boyfriend have his own space, but you're worried that something might have happened to him since he's not picking up his phone or answering your texts. What if he got kidnapped or hurt? And no one was there to help him?
Clicking on the contact of your boyfriend, you try calling again. After the four ring, someone finally picks up with a sleepy "hello?" However, it is not the voice of your boyfriends but the voice of a female.
"Who are you? Where's Y/B/N?" you ask, your eyebrows scrunched in an unsettling manner.
"Who's this?" the woman asks in return without answering your question first.
"Umm, the girlfriend of Y/B/N. Now would you please tell me who you are and where he is?" you snap with a hand perched on your hip impatiently.
"Oh... He still hasn't broken up with you yet?"
You're silent, confused but outraged. Your breath hitches in your throat, stopping the oxygen from entering your system. Blinking a few times, you eventually come back to your senses.
"Excuse me?"
"At least he could've told me that he's still with his girlfriend before sleeping with me..." She sighs over the phone. Before you can respond or even react, you hear a shuffling in the background.
"Who is it, babe?" It's the voice of your boyfriend's, raspy and low as if just woken up. You don't need any more information as you already know exactly what is going on.
"Y/N," the girl answers him casually. There's a quick silence before the phone hands up from the other side. You stay standing frozen still, not even removing your phone from your ear. Your mind runs wild, emotions crashing into each other. A mix of rage and bitterness takes over your thoughts. Whipping out the messenger app, you pull up your boyfriend's contact. The three dots display on the screen from his side, indicating that he's typing at the moment as well.
▬▬▬
From: Y/B/N
Baby I'm sorry
[Read 1:29 PM 04/06/2018]
▬▬▬
You ignore the text, not knowing if he's sorry for cheating or for not telling you.
▬▬▬
To: Y/B/N
Don't text me anymore, don't call me, don't talk to me. I don't want anything to do with you. Apparently, we've broken up already according to your play toy, so let's keep it that way.
[Read 1:31 PM 04/06/2018]
▬▬▬
And with that, you block and delete his number, not even letting him explain himself. You honestly don't want to hear it, the lies or excuses he has.
The phone buzzes at an incoming notification. You're about to blow up at your boyfriend for somehow trying to contact you after your warning, except it isn't a text from your boyfriend this time, but your best friend.
The notification slides away as you lack all of your energy, not being able to click on her contact message. After a moment and a few more texts, an incoming call from your best friend displays on your screen, you decide to let it go to voicemail because you don't want to deal with anything else today.
Due to you worrying about your boyfriend all morning, you didn't get to eat any breakfast or lunch. You trudge to the kitchen, hoping some food will give you energy. As expected, there is no food in the fridge for your to cook or warm up. In the pantry, however, are packs of ramen noodles. You grab a pack, preparing a pot of water to cook them in.
Your phone rings again, your best friend's name in big letters on the screen. You sigh, caving in and swiping the screen to answer the call.
"Y/N! Why aren't you answering my texts? I can see that you've read them," your best friend calls over the phone, loud enough for you to almost drop it. Resting the phone on the counter, you click on the speaker option as you continue cooking your ramen.
"You literally just texted me, I was about to answer," you lie, turning the stove to a higher setting so that your ramen can cook faster. "What do you need that's so urgent anyway?"
"Are you with Y/B/N today?" your friend asks. The name of him just puts a sour taste in your mouth, your face twists in anger and disgust.
"No," you snarl annoyingly, with a low scoff. Your best friend senses the venom in your tone of voice.
"What happened? Did you guys fight or something?"
"I don't want to explain right now. Why did you ask?" you say, quickly changing the subject.
"Oh right! Did you hear about the hot new club opening tonight? Everyone's gonna be there! And guess what else? I also know the owner!! He was my old roommate's ex-boyfriend, but they broke it off like a year or two ago. Still, he's super hot! You know what this means right?" your friend continues to screech, you chuckle at her expression, "We have to go!"
"You know what Y/F/N, fuck it, yeah let's go," you answer, turning off the stove as you ramen finishes boiling. You need to loosen up and totally forget that today ever happened and you want to down some drinks so you don't have to deal with any of your problems for today. Another high pitched shriek sounds from your phone, causing you to groan.
"If you scream again, I swear I'll cancel," you threaten and your friend gasps dramatically. She quickly half apologizes and then proceeds to tell you to meet there at 10 pm, the premiere opening of the club. However, knowing your best friend, this means to be there at 11 pm because she is always running late and you do not want to be at a new club alone.
It's currently 2 pm, you pour the hot ramen into a bowl and make your way to your television. You watch reruns of The Office as you gulp down the noodles hungrily.
Without you knowing it, you've already binged a whole season of The Office and you would've continued if your phone wouldn't have rung 3 times in the past minute. You pick up your phone, glancing at the time. Shoot! It's 10:30 already!! You mentally yell at yourself.
Your phone screen displays a spam of messages and phone calls from Y/F/N. Scramming up to your room to quickly get ready, you pick up the phone, leaving it on speaker again.
"Y/N! Where the hell are you? I've been waiting outside for more than 30 minutes and I also tried to contact you for that 30 plus minutes but guess who didn't answer... And the bouncer outside kept asking me if I was lost, and I kept on telling him I was waiting for someone and he just kept giving me weird stares so I just went inside without you. Now the line is gigantic so good luck trying to get in. I'm going to find the owner," your friend rambles on and ends the call when she's done, not giving you the chance to answer.
In a hurry, you simply put on a plain red graphic tee, tying it into a knot on the front, and some black ripped high waisted jeans. You add some light make up since you're going to sweat it all off throughout the night anyway, finishing off with a swipe of wine red lip tint. Before rushing out of the door, you stuff your phone and wallet into a small purse and slip into your black chunky high heeled boots. Y/F/N is a lot taller than you so whenever you both go out, you have to wear some sort of heels in order to not appear as a dwarf next to a model.
It takes about 45 minutes for the taxi driver to reach the club, as traffic gets more congested once you inch near it. You text your friend to let her know you made it but you doubt she will see it. She's probably using her goddess-like charms to seduce some guy.
Y/F/N was right, the line by the entrance to the club is really long, looping around the block. You seriously do not want to stand in that long line because, by the time you reach the front, it'll be the morning already. You try to see if you know anyone in line you can join but no one is familiar enough.
You push back your hair and walk confidently to the front of the line. People waiting sends you a mix of confused and angry looks as you pass them all.
This is not your first time in a club, you've learned how to weave your way through the bouncer with the help of the almighty Y/F/N.
As you reach the front, you see a man stand by the fancy entrance. He doesn't look like the typical bouncer due to his appearance and attire. The man isn't small but he isn't super buff either, like the bouncers you've met before at other clubs. His hair is a hazel brown flowy mess and he has on more eyeliner than you. His outfit, instead of the usual all black suit bouncers wear, is more of a street style outerwear, with a bandana keeping his shaggy hair out of his face. From where you are standing, the guy doesn't look very tall or intimidating, as he leans on the wall next to the door. He also doesn't seem like a challenge to get through either, building up your confidence.
You try to walk past him as he's chatting with a few girls in the front of the line, but a hand darts in front of your stomach, stopping you.
The arm belongs to the brown-haired man. He raises an eyebrow at you, still posed on the neon lazered wall.
"There's a line if you haven't noticed," he states and stands up from his leaning position. Now that you've gotten closer, the man is a lot more intimidating than you thought. His intense eyes bore into yours, the makeup making them look even sharper. As he stands up straighter, you realize that he is also much taller, even with your 4-inch heels on.
However, you do not let his appearance faze you.
"I know the owner, don't worry," you say, sending a smile. The man smirks with a low chuckle, his arm still doesn't leave your front side.
"Do you now? And how do you know him?" he questions, with a lift of his eyebrows. You quickly gulp, trying to think of a reason. In other clubs, the bouncer would just let you in once you said you knew the owner, but of course, that probably only happens because Y/F/N was usually with you.
"He's an ex-boyfriend of my old roommate's," you swiftly retaliate, remembering what Y/F/N said earlier over the phone. You thought that you've won, but the smirk is still painted on his face.
"And what's your name?" he asked, displaying a more playful kind of grin. The man shifts so that he's fully facing you.
"Why do I have to provide a name? There isn't a list," you respond, crossing your arms over your chest. Before he can say anything else, you continue talking.
"Anyway, if we're done here, I have people who are waiting for me," you say, grabbing the man's wrist and pulling it away. Without further comments, you proceed to walk through the door into a dark hallway, following the music. Without looking back, you can still feel his gaze on your backside.
At the end of the hall, there's a black curtain in which bright lights, loud music, and busy chatter pass through. You push the curtain to the side, revealing a large room with an extensive glowing dance floor, stripper poles, tables and chairs, and a bar near the back.
You can't even see the dance floor, with the wall to wall of people dancing to the club music. There seems to be no room for any more people yet bodies kept pouring in. The music is mostly techno but with occasional slow sensual songs that called out all the couples and drunks to grind on each other.
Different colored lights flashes and shines but somehow you spot Y/F/N on a couch by the side of the room. As you get closer, you see your best friend on the lap of some man, tongues down each other's throats. Her tight bright red dress rises higher as the man's hands reach up and down her thigh, playing around with the hem of her red lace panties.
You finally reach them as you lightly kick the man in the shin, causing them to both pull away. Bright red lipstick is smeared all across Y/F/N and the man's mouth.
"Hit the road, she's my date," I say as I tilt my head towards the door. The man shoots me an annoyed look, pulling your friend's face back onto his. However, Y/F/N pulls away and climbs off the guy's lap, fixing her dress.
The guy flashes a confused look between you and your friend.
"You heard her," Y/F/N says, running her hands through her tangled hair. The man grunts something like "ugh whatever" under his breath and trudges away.
"Took you long enough. Although, I thought you would have to wait longer since the line is crazy long," your friend says, plopping back down on the couch. You follow.
"Yeah, I just kinda walked in, after fighting some guy at the door," you explain, wiping the lipstick off of your friends face, "You look like you just sucked Larry the Lobster's dick."
"Livin' Like Larry," you friend responds with a lazy smile.
"Wait! Did the owner let you in at the door? I told him if a Y/N comes to just let her in," she says, slapping your shoulder to gain your attention.
"I don't think so," you reply without much thought. "Come on, let's go get something to drink, that's mostly why I'm here."
You reach out your hand to help your friend up. She groans as you pull her from her spot and make your way to the vaporwave themed bar. You both take an empty seat at the counter as Y/F/N orders two shots. Right off the bat I see...
"By the way sorry to pull you away from your boy toy," you apologize, grabbing the shot glass and tilting it back into your mouth, the small amount of alcohol burning your throat immediately. She waves it off with her free hand as she also downs the glass. Then, your friend signals the bartender for another round.
"Nah, he wasn't that great of a kisser anyway, and I was just passing time while waiting for you to finally come."
The bartender places another two shot glasses in front of the two of you.
"Hey, wanna play coinage?" Y/F/N suggests, calling over the bartender again and asks for an empty glass. You nod and pull out a quarter from your purse.
She places the glass in between us and beacons for you to start first. You carefully bounce the coin, trying to get it into the glass. The quarter hits the rim of the glass but doesn't go in. You groan as Y/F/N takes the quarter with a smile. She is the master at this game, you have no idea why you agreed. Your friend beautifully bounces the quarter into the glass with a "woohoo".
"Drink up!"
You grab the shot glass and gulp down the vodka in one swift motion.
After a few more rounds of this, you call quits due to losing to all rounds. Your head starts getting buzzy and the alcohol is slowly getting to you. You're not a lightweight when it comes to alcohol but you can't hold too much either, you're somewhere in the middle.
Your friend pulls you onto the crowded dance floor, where you both completely let loose, rolling and grinding your bodies to the beat of the music. The two of you have been to multiple bars and clubs, by now you know how to move your body steadily to the rhythm.
Song after song rolls by, all great remixes of your favorite hits. You scan around to see who the DJ is, wanting to compliment his music taste. The DJ booth is off to the opposite side of the bar, surrounded by neon lights and colorful disco balls. From the distance, you can't decipher the appearance of the DJ, with the lasers shooting in every which direction. You pull your friend closer to the booth, a swarm of girls already packed in front of the DJ.
As you get closer, you realize that the DJ looks familiar, though the alcohol causes your vision to blur.
"Hey, the DJ's kinda hot," you slur to your friend who nods back, both beginning to dance again.
"Yeah he owns the place," she tells you while she grabs your hands to sway them to the beat.
"That's cool," you say, "You should introduce me to him since you know him right?"
"Oooo good idea, let me call him over!"
Y/F/N turns toward the booth, waving his hands to get the man's attention. You're oblivious to anything as you continue to dance with your back facing the DJ.
The man scans the crowd, looking over all of the people enjoying their time. He sees your friend waving at him before signaling him to come. The DJ takes his headphones off and places them next to his music controllers. Another guy walks up on the stage to take over the music.
Your friend informs you that he's coming, though her words are a bit slurred. You turn around seeing a tall figure weave through the crowd, saying hi to people as he passes them but not stopping. the closer he got the more familiar he is to you. Until he's a few meters away, and you finally realize that the DJ is the same man at the entrance of the club. Yet, your brain isn't in its right mind to put two and two together.
"Y/F/N. Nice to see you again tonight," the man says once he reaches the two of you. You stop dancing and so does your friend who gives the man a hug.
"Hey!" she yells over the music. "This is my friend Y/N! The one I told you about. Y/N, this is Johnny, the owner of this new awesome club."
"You told him about me?" you ask with a tilted head.
"Yeah, I told him to wait at the entrance to let you in when you got here. So that you didn't have to wait because I'm such a good friend."
As if all of the alcohol completely left your system, your mind clicks and you glance up at Johnny. He has on the same smirk that you came across earlier when you first arrived.
"Y/N...so that's your name. If you would've told me at the door, I'd let you right in."
"I got in anyway," you shoot back easily, mirroring his smirk.
"By lying to me, the owner. I could have you kicked out by the real bouncers of this place."
"You'd be losing profit then."
He looks around the busy nightclub, then back down to you.
"I highly doubt that," he says waving his hands around the room. "Though, I wouldn't kick you out anyway..."
You lift your eyebrow in curiosity. Johnny leans his head downwards, closing in on your face.
"You're too entertaining.”
The back of your neck starts to heat up, not knowing if it’s due to the warm bodies of the surrounded dance floor or the closeness of Johnny’s presence.
"Entertained only by me? Then what's the use of this club?" you reply quickly. Your best friend whips her head back and forth from you to Johnny, one comeback after another, confused as to if the both of you are flirting or attacking each other.
"I met you in this club, haven't I? You've caught my eye."
"I'm not some art exhibit at a museum."
"Though you look like you belong in one."
You scoff at his lame attempt to flirt with you. Yet, somewhere inside of you thinks his attempts are rather cute and slightly working.
"Would you like a drink? I'd like to talk to you more," Johnny offers a hand towards you. Your best friend gives you a light shove from the back, a knowing look painted in her eyes. You take Johnny's large outreached hand before he leads you to the bar, with a warm smile.
a/n: i’ll proof read later lol
#nct#nct 127#nct u#nct dream#nct 2018#nct scenarios#nct 127 scenarios#nct u scenarios#nct dream scenarios#nct 127 johnny#nct johnny#nct johnny scenarios#kpop nct#kpop johnny#kpop scenarios#nct 2018 scenarios#nct 2018 johnny#johnny seo#johnny scenarios#seo youngho#nct seo johnny#kpop fluff#kpop fics#kpop#nct kpop#kpop one shots#nct one shots#seo johnny
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In honor of Trans Day of Visibility, one of our Genderscope youth, who asked to remain anonymous, wrote an incredibly emotional slam poem.
TRIGGER WARNING: This poem deals heavily with dysphoria. If you’re struggling tonight or anytime, please reach out to someone you trust, or call the TransLifeline at 877-565-8860 or call/text/chat The Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386.
----------------------------------
full body mirrors
are honestly
the worst thing i’ve
ever
experienced.
when i was
eight or
nine or
so
i used to hang
towels on the
mirror
whenever i showered
till my dad caught me
and told me i was
beautiful
and
perfect
which only made me feel
worse.
nowadays
if i’m in the shower
i just let the
mirrors
fog up
and hope for the best.
worst comes to worst,
averting the eyes
is always
a fail-safe.
i remember
growing up
i used to break down in
tears
about how
in the mirror
my
body
didn’t match my
face.
i constantly felt like one of those
puzzles
where you
mix and
match
the torsos and heads of different animals and
i desperately wanted to
find my missing
piece.
when i hit puberty,
and my hips stopped lying,
i was suddenly disgusted with my torso.
i would try my hardest to
shove
the weird,
round
bones
jutting out of my sides
back into my stomach.
i thought it was just extra fat.
it didn’t
help
that my stepmother kept saying i
could stand to lose a few
and that the kids at school
were absolute
demons
that were sent to earth just because
they were too bad even for
hell.
i started lashing out at others.
i found myself loathing
every
minuscule
bit
of myself.
i yearned for a release,
any sort of release.
i wanted to run away and
never come back.
i wanted to float up to the sky and never come down.
i wanted to drown in love and
never come up for air.
i wanted to fall asleep and
never let that unconsciousness slip away.
i wanted to
and
never
and
wanted to
and couldn’t.
i couldn’t.
when you look in a
mirror
at the
the thin strokes of
crimson paint
across
the canvas of your
skin,
you see the same
colors
you would have seen
if you just
looked down.
but when someone else sees
the lines across your
canvas,
they don’t see it
as
casually
as you do.
they see it as a
“call for help.”
and as
more
and
more
people
respond in this manner,
you start to
question whether
they’re acting strange
or if you’re the outlier.
i’m five feet tall
and i’m never going to be taller
and people
love
pointing that out to me.
i’m five feet tall
and sometimes i stick socks
in the bottoms of my
tallest
boots
just to add on a couple of inches.
i’m five feet tall but
inside
i feel like i’m at least 5’11”
and i’ve got a stubbly chin
and a deep, raspy,
folk singer voice
and buff arms
and yeah, okay,
maybe my hopes are set too high.
maybe i should aim lower.
but the fact is,
i’m not even going to be
the average
short
height for men
once i reach eighteen
and it has made me feel
incredibly
hopeless.
sometimes i lay awake in bed
thinking about
how i did
everything wrong
and how i could
totally
do it over again
and get a way better outcome.
other times i
force myself to be
happy with what i have
and where i’ve ended up.
still other times i
don’t think at all
because i’m scared to try.
i used to hang
towels on the
mirror
whenever i showered
till my dad caught me
so now
i just
avert my eyes and
hope for the best.
#trans day of visibility#tdov#trans#yourenotalone#there is hope#poetry#poem#slampoem#youth#youthcenter#tgnc
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War of the Spark Limited Card Re-Evaluations
As we get ready to wrap up War of the Spark limited (Already!), I wanted to take a look back and see how I did on my initial card reviews. In this post, I’ll be re-evaluating cards that I think I misjudged, and give new ratings accordingly. I use a 5 point scale, so for this, I’ll focus on cards that had at least a 1 point difference between my initial rating & my new one. The focus will strictly be on Limited, and not the card’s impact on any other format.
Initial Rating: 4.0
New Rating: 5.0
Okay, let’s get this one out of the way, since it’s probably the most obvious miscalculation on my part. Somehow, when I first checked out the set, I was concerned at his 6 mana cost and thought that he wouldn’t necessarily be right for all decks. But somehow I still thought other 6CMC ‘Walkers were fine. No, this one was a total oversight on my part. Ugin’s capacity to runaway with the game is matched only by Liliana and mayyybe Oketra, and he has no color requirements to boot. Point is, there is absolutely no reason ever to not run this card. If you are lucky enough to open it, play it.
Initial Rating: 2.0
New Rating: 3.0
When this card was first previewed, I had flashbacks of Unruly Mob, which was always a card that was totally playable & fine in its respective Limited environments, but never something you were super happy to run. But here’s the thing. A 2/2 for 3 is embarrassing, but a 1/1 for 2 is abysmal, so the floor is lower on the Unruly Mob. Not only that, but getting one counter on these cards, while putting them both on curve, Rising Populace still comes out ahead. The Unruly Mob becomes a 2/2 for 2, which is still only a mediocre filler card, whereas the Rising Populace becomes a 3/3 for 3, which is a solid pick. That alone would make Rising Populace a better card than I was initially thinking, but add in all the proliferate effects White has going for it in War, and this becomes a totally reasonable card that you’re going to put in most decks when you can.
Initial Rating: 1.0
New Rating: 2.5
Okay, I might be overcorrecting a touch here, but this card is way better than I was expecting. Turns out Proliferate is one of the best decks to draft in War, and Blue gets extra points here because it overlaps on both Proliferate and Amass, so this card can go in a number of decks. Plus, this card is fantastic in the Red/Blue Spells deck, particularly if you manage to snag a decent number of Spellgorger Weirds. Yes, there are Blue decks that won’t want this, but enough of them do, I’m confident my new rating is about right. And I don’t feel bad about this one either (unlike Ugin, sheesh), since a lot of people were unsure about this one.
Initial Rating: 2.0
New Rating: 3.0
See above. No, initially I was pretty sold on the White & Green Uncommon proliferate enablers (Grateful Apparition & Evolution Sage, respectively), but I was more tentative about this one. Well, I’ve come around a little, though again, it’s possible I’m a bit too high on it now. Thing is, you really only need to trigger it once for it to have earned its value, and the Blue/Red spells deck will frequently be able to get more out of it than that. This card and Spellkeeper Weird do serious work powering up the archetype while all the while looking so unassuming. It doesn’t always go, but when it does, this card can run away with games.
Initial Rating: 1.5
New Rating: 2.5
So the theme I’m getting here is that Blue is just better across the board than I initially thought. Checks out. In any case, I seriously misjudged this little fella. Sure, in a “normal” set he’d be mediocre, but in this set, he’s one of my favorite early drops. He gets down early, before any countermagic & Toll of the Invasion, and he’s also unassuming enough that people wouldn’t use those spells on him anyway. For that same reason, they’ll also usually not bother spending a spell to remove him. But he’s basically the best drop target for a +1/+1 counter in the format, and even without pumping him up, he will continually pressure opposing Planeswalkers, pecking in for 2 damage more often than you’d expect. Basically every Blue deck will want one or two of these.
Initial Rating: 2.5
New Rating: 1.5
And here we have the first card that lost value from my initial rating. Sure, Rise from the Grave is never exactly a bomb, but it’s usually better than this. The bottom line is, there just aren’t that many good creatures in this set, certainly not ones that are high enough CMC that you’d want to spend 5 mana getting them back. The only creatures that you would want to get with this are the Gods, but they’re never in the graveyard thanks to their damn tricky library-tuck shenanigans. As a result, this card just lacks good targets in this format. It seems much more about building the biggest threat out of something small rather than summoning the biggest threat in one go. I really wish it could reanimate Planeswalkers. Then we’d be cooking.
Initial Rating: 2.5
New Rating: 1.5
Man, I really got these Uncommon Black cards wrong, didn’t I? In my head, this was a 1 mana “destroy target Planeswalker”, but a lot of the time it’s just... not. Besides, we already have Spark Harvest, and that serves basically all the purpose this card was trying to do, especially since Black usually has some fodder to sacrifice when needed. There are times I would board this in against certain decks, but it’s moved from maindeck removal to strictly sideboard in my estimation, so that pretty much says it all.
Initial Rating: 1.5
New Rating: 2.5
I’m usually not a fan of Coercion effects in Limited, but this format has a problem: several otherwise unbeatable bombs that need to be countered or discarded to be dealt with. Also, turns out the Amass 1 is totally relevant. If you can cast this the turn after a Lazotep Reaver, that’s a pretty good curve to start on. Otherwise, it can start an army for proliferating or sacrificing later, which makes this play a lot like a Burglar Rat with an upside, and I’m good with that. I’d run one copy of this maindeck more than half the time, but don’t hesitate to side it out if you don’t see good targets for it.
Initial Score: 2.0
New Score: 3.0
At first I wasn’t super impressed, but I think this is a case where the added text of its ETB ability is distracting from the fact that a 4/3 reach creature for 4 mana is totally a good deal. 90% of the time you’re just going to cast this guy on-curve without another large creature out, and that’s still totally fine. He’s one of the best blockers to protect your Planeswalkers, and he blanks a lot of other early drops as well. He also synergizes with some of the other payoffs that care about 4 power, like Challenger Troll, so overall I’m pretty high on this guy now.
Initial Rating: 1.5
New Rating: 2.5
If there’s a theme here, I think it’s that I seriously misjudged the power of Proliferate in this set. On its surface, this looks like +2/+2 of stats for 3 mana, but it’s honestly not going to be hard to get at least 3 targets out of this, at which point it’s a major buff for your team. Most frequently, you’ll cast this as a way to break parity on a board that’s fairly even, so you can start forcing bad blocks & unfavorable trades for your opponent, and that’s exactly what Green needs to be doing right around the midgame point. I’ll usually run one of these in most Green decks with counters.
Initial Rating: 3.0
New Rating: 4.0
While Nissa may be a format-warping card in Standard, in Limited her uses are a bit more, well... limited. Her ramp is a little less useful here than normal, and getting to her ultimate is unlikely, since you’ll either have lost her or won by the time that happens. No, this is a 5 mana Enchantment that chucks out a 3/3 every turn and you know what? That’s still pretty fucking good. Now I’m in the camp of “Never cut this” whereas before I would say not every deck needs it.
Initial Rating: 2.0
New Rating: 1.0
I’m tempted to bring this down to a 0, just to prove the point that I think this card basically shouldn’t be played. Certainly not in Limited, and not even in half the Constructed decks I’ve seen running it in Arena lately. Turns out, it’s just way too easy to whiff, especially in a format where people run more noncreatures (aka Planeswalkers) than normal. Why keep it at 1.0 then? Well, I think the deck that wants this does exist, and it’s a deck with mostly creatures all in a narrow CMC range of 2-4 or so. But generally just don’t. It’s a trap.
Initial Rating: 1.0
New Rating: 3.0
And now we come to probably my biggest miss of the set. (And I don’t mean Miss Thing, though that also applies here.) No, in my head this was a big do-nothing of a card, but I think I must not have read his -2 ability at all, or something. Because copying your removal is big game. Even copying Contentious Plan is fantastic, and it leaves Ral right back where he was, loyalty-wise. Plus, he starts with enormous loyalty, making him very likely to grant multiple activations. On top of everything, he can help keep opposing Planeswalkers in check with his static ability. If he weren’t multicolored, he’d be even higher.
Initial Rating: 3.5
New Rating: 2.5
Storrev & Ral have opposite problems. In Ral’s case, I undervalued his abilities. In Storrev’s case, I overvalued them. 4 toughness is... tough, because there are a lot of 4 power creatures in the format, so her stats line up poorly against a lot of the rest of the field. Sure, sometimes you’ll reanimate one or two cheap drops, but between all the good blockers & all the good removal, you’ll be hard pressed to really make this the value engine it teases itself to be. Your best bet is to find a way to get some counters on it so you can start making it bigger & bigger. Friends with Pollenbright Druid.
Initial Score: 0.5
New Score: 2.0
My fear initially was that most of the time, you’d play Ashiok, get one activation off, then your opponent would just kill them with a quick attack and it’d all be for naught. However, the format stalls much more than I anticipated, so if you can set Ashiok up behind a couple of blockers, it ends up not too difficult to keep them alive. If your opponent has a kill spell like Spark Harvest, it puts them in a difficult situation. They can’t afford not to deal with Ashiok, because they’ll ultimately get milled out, but they also can’t really afford to waste a kill spell on them, since every other threat is going to be more immediate & pressing. Often, the correct time to play Ashiok is not turn three, but to wait until the point that the game starts stalling out. Don’t get me wrong, not every deck wants Ashiok, and my bump in score does not mean I’m suddenly picking this very highly, but it’s far from the unplayable disaster I initially expected.
Initial Score: 0.5
New Score: 2.5
Oof, never mind. This was my biggest miss. I had a lot of the same issue evaluating Dovin that I did with Ashiok. What I underestimated is how often blanking an opponent’s creature would prove incredibly relevant. Often it’s he difference between stabilizing and not. And if you can proliferate this? Forget it. Dovin is a nightmare to play against, and he’s so easy to cast that the risk of running him is super low. The only reason he’s not scored higher is that in the end, he is a “do-nothing” card, in that he doesn’t advance any game plan. But he stalls your opponent enough to make him worth the spot in most decks.
So that’s it. Hopefully my re-evaluations will prove helpful as I head into the last few drafts of the format.
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the winged beast [6/12]
Fandom: Riverdale
Ships: Betty x Jughead, Archie x Veronica (background)
Chapters: 6/12
Summary:
This is how the world ends, she thinks. Not with a bang but with a motorcycle.
[serpent!au] [read on Ao3 from the beginning] [2] [3] [4] [5] [character design]
Betty, at least, was able to rule out Jason on Saturday morning, when she, without much delicacy, had asked Polly if she’d heard from Jason. Polly said she had; apparently he’d been drunk texting her all night and by breakfast, he’d sent an equal amount of flustered apologies. Her sister had said this all with pursed lips, and Betty filed away the reaction for later.
It’d been a huge relief; if it wasn’t Jason, it wasn’t her fault. Still, it was a reassurance she felt at odds with, given that just because Jason was okay, didn’t mean someone else was.
But she doesn’t have to wait long to find out; the news breaks on Saturday night.
When no one had heard from Moose Mason for 24 hours, Reggie Mantle had apparently confirmed it with the football team; he himself had tried resuscitating Moose until the paramedics arrived. Betty found out through Kevin, who already knew, but waited until it was publicly on twitter that Moose had been hurt before passing the news.
“I mean, I saw him like half an hour before,” Kevin says on the phone that night, his voice shaky. “I think he might’ve been trying to get me to have a threesome? Like? He was being so weird and out of it. I should’ve known something was up. I was so shocked that I just walked away but what if that was the last…” Kevin sucks in a gulp of air and trails off.
“It’s definitely not your fault, Kev,” Betty says softly, though she thinks about how stressed she’d been about Jason a few hours before and knows words probably mean nothing to Kevin right now. “There was no way you could’ve known.”
“Speaking of…none of us are supposed to know about this, by the way,” he adds, after a minute. His voice is stiff, and Betty can tell he’s probably still beating himself up. “My dad wants to wait for an official press conference. But he told me this morning. It’s…really bad, Betty.”
“Bad how?” Betty rolls over on her bed to grab her diary. She feels a sting of guilt with herself for jumping into journalist mode, but decides the truth is more important than tact. She raises her pencil to the paper.
Kevin pauses, choosing his words. When he speaks, his voice is very small. “He died, Betty. On the way to the hospital.”
She feels all the air leave her lungs and drops her pencil. “He…what? Died? I thought he was just…sick, or something. What happened? How?”
“My dad wouldn’t tell me, but I don’t think it was…uh, natural causes,” Kevin says. “Crap, I hear him coming. I gotta go, Betty. I’ll see you Monday. And don’t tell anyone,” he adds, and then the line is dead.
He died. Kevin’s words echo, almost mockingly. Moose Mason? Dead? It wasn’t as if she knew Moose particularly well, but she’s also known him her entire life. His entire life, she thinks with a sickening crunch to her stomach.
Betty closes her eyes and tries to retrace the moments at the base of the stairs. Joaquin running down the hall, someone yelling that Moose wasn’t breathing, Veronica and Archie arriving, the paramedics upstairs and shouting symptoms…they’d said something, a word she’d heard before. Some kind of medical term, maybe?
She exhales slowly, and when it finally feels like her lungs have nothing left in them, she blinks up at the ceiling. It doesn’t seem real. She saw him in class yesterday; she’d helped him spell the word scholastic. She feels sick; it’s one thing to abstractly investigate accidents and deaths on the other side of town, and it’s another to know someone taken by it.
Nibbling on her lip, she reaches over for her phone. She pulls Jughead up in her contacts and stares at the last conversation they’d had on Friday before the party.
Alright, I just watched 10 Things I Hate About You. It was so predictable!
That means you liked it :)
Does not
You like predictable
Can we keep the psychoanalysis off the table for once thank you very much
But then, a few minutes later, he’d sent:
I guess I see the appeal though
Betty stares at the exchange. Jughead does like predictability, despite whatever devil-may-care image he’s spent however long finely crafting. He may claim to be a cinema buff and a lover of creative integrity, but almost all of his favorite films have the exact same plot trajectory:
Character enters the mystery, then a reluctant partnership, a death or two halfway through to raise the stakes, followed by a big twist, followed by an ending that is somehow as satisfying as it is bittersweet.
She blinks back to the ceiling. If her life were a film, would last night have been the twist, or was the arc so obvious it couldn’t have been? Was this all foreshadowed by her obsession with finding the truth about the south side? Was this the moment that raised the stakes?
Or was a boy just dead?
The thought brings her soundly back into the moment. Her fingers hover over the keyboard of her phone, reading and rereading Jughead’s last text.
What she really wants to say is Hey, so what the fuck but that feels both too heavy and too joking somehow. Plus she’s not sure he’s ever heard her swear in the first place and the shock alone might distract him from the fact that she’s being serious.
But what would she say? Ask him what the hell Joaquin was doing fleeing the scene of what ended up being a death? That would feel accusatory and she doesn’t want to indict Jughead or even Joaquin of anything. After all Jughead opened up about people from the south side being stereotyped, and she just drops the blame on him or his friends without waiting for the full story?
No, she won’t insult Jughead by insinuating that.
So she settles on I have your leather jacket. She’s never seen him without it; she likes to imagine he has a closet full of them, like some cartoon character with only one outfit, but given the well-loved scuffing on this one, she doubts it. Anyway, she figures it’ll be easier to talk about this in person than try to navigate via text.
Do you want me to bring it to you? Meet at Pop’s?
About an hour later, and she still hadn’t gotten a response.
Or I’ll just bring it to school on Monday, whatever’s easiest.
Still nothing, and reluctantly Betty puts her phone aside to get ready for bed. Is he mad at her? Did she do something wrong? After her panic attack in the bushes of the Mantle mansion, the rest of the night had continued in such a haze that she barely remembers driving everyone home, but she tries to rack her brain for something she might’ve said to Jughead to upset him.
He’d tried to tell her something and she had shut him down, expecting it’d been the long-time-coming talk about boundaries and feelings. But Jughead doesn't seem like a guy who enjoys confrontation, and Betty would think he’d be relieved at dodging the “I have a girlfriend” talk.
Betty wonders if she should just be direct and ask him point blank if he knows anything. She remembers the terror on Joaquin’s face and Sabrina cursing madly down the stairs, but Jughead had seemed just as confused as she had been.
So why was he ignoring her?
She gets under the covers and pulls them tight up against her chin. There’s murmuring downstairs and the creak of her parents moving around, and Betty stares at the stick-on-stars on her ceiling and remembers tracing the constellations in the stars outside the party. She’d felt so happy then, if just for a fleeting moment.
She closes her eyes and thinks about Moose Mason.
.
.
.
Sunday drags on with glacial pace; this means two things. One, that no one else yet knows that Moose Mason, lovable high school linebacker, everyone’s All-American buddy, is dead.
Two, that her mother doesn’t know.
Part of her appreciates the day as the quiet before the storm, because once word reaches her classmates and especially once it reaches her mother and the town paper, it’s going to be hell. The north side of Riverdale has thus far happily kept horse-blinders on, but to lose one of their own is surely going to break the dam, especially if Moose didn't die naturally.
Naloxone.
She sits upright in bed. The word comes to her in a flash, in a blinding memory of chaos and screams. “He’s hypoxic! Pupils dilated! Ready the naloxone!” The paramedic shouted, and Betty blinks. She hasn’t heard that word before, she’s read it.
She picks up her laptop and types it into the search bar. Naloxone, she reads, is the drug administered to people who have overdosed; it’s especially useful for those who OD on fentanyl because it’s so easy to over do.
Moose overdosed, she thinks, her mouth falling open. She clam shells her laptop shut and lets out the breath she didn’t know she was holding. On fentanyl? Moose Mason?
Fentanyl is not a drug typically found at the keggers of rich kids; it’s rough, and gritty. Cocaine, she could see. Prescription drugs, definitely. But her research has taught her fentanyl is typically cut into heroin, if anything, and that gives Betty pause, but she's not sure if it's her own unconscious prejudice about what an overdose should “look like” or if is this genuinely suspicious.
She picks up her pencil and diary, her thoughts swirling. But after about ten minutes, Betty realizes she has just been staring at a blank page the whole time, and decides she’s not going to get anywhere with writing out her thoughts today, so she puts it aside and crawls over to her window perch.
Archie is sitting in his chair at his own window, spinning left and right as he juggles a worn-looking football between his hands. He looks up when Betty settles into her own seat, and moves to open his window. She does the same.
“How are you doing?” He asks, settling on his elbows.
With a pang of guilt, Betty realizes she’s been kind of neglectful of her friendship with Archie lately in lieu of time with the newspaper and, if she’s being honest with herself, with Jughead. But Archie has been equally busy with football and music and neither of them have made much of an effort lately. Betty makes a mental note to set aside some time for him.
“I’m okay,” Betty lies, forcing a light smile. “Thinking about Friday night though.”
“Me too,” Archie says, looking forlorn. “I keep trying to go through the people I saw at the party and the last time I saw them.” He pauses. “Who do you think it was?”
Betty bites her lip. Kevin had told her not to say anything and given the radio silence from Veronica too, she assumes he hasn’t told anyone but her. And she loves Archie, and while he’s decent at keeping secrets on his own, the minute someone presses him on it, he caves. He can’t lie to save his skin and telling him is too risky.
“I don’t know,” she says quietly, deciding not to pass the buck, “but I have a really bad feeling about this, Archie. Like it’s only going to get worse.”
Archie nods. “I feel it too. But I don’t…I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just…this weird heaviness, like it’s in the air or something. Does that make sense?”
It makes more sense than Archie probably realizes. Betty tucks her chin down and nods, glancing across the room to her wardrobe, where Jughead’s jacket is currently hidden, tucked away like some dark, living, breathing secret. She exhales, long and slow, and meets Archie’s gaze one last time.
These violent delights have violent ends, she thinks.
.
.
.
Betty wakes earlier than normal on Monday morning; truthfully, her sleep was fitful and tossing, so it’s not too difficult to roll out of bed at 5 A.M. and dress for an early run. She slips out of the house and heads out into a jog around the block. She’s exhausted, but her heart hasn’t stopped hammering since Friday, and the anxiety masquerading as adrenaline pushes her steps into long, lean strides.
She pounds into the cement, hoping to chase a burn that will soothe her churning thoughts, but after about 40 minutes, she realizes she can’t literally outrun her feelings, and she heads back home.
Her mother is bustling about in the kitchen when she returns. Alice looks up when she hears Betty approaching. “You’re up early,” she says, in the pleased voice she always uses when she’s impressed with Betty pushing herself. “Get a good run in?”
“Yeah,” Betty says, still breathing heavily. “I’m gonna go shower.”
Her mother nods and returns to her morning mantra of preparing pancakes and coffee. Betty watches her mother work for a moment, almost robotically, like some kind of pre-Feminine Mystique housewife going through the motions.
As she's heading up the stairs, Betty hears the phone ring, followed by her mother answering it quietly. It's a little early for a phone call, Betty thinks, but dismisses it once she's out of earshot.
After her shower, Betty forgoes breakfast and heads straight to school; she wants to get there early, before anyone else, to get some work done on the paper, because she has a feeling that the day is going to be nothing short of a tempest once school starts. The police won’t be able to contain this secret much longer.
When she arrives at the Blue & Gold, she checks her phone again, but there’s still nothing from Jughead. Sighing, she hangs his leather jacket on the coat rack. It’d barely fit in her backpack this morning, and practically weighed as much as her old cat, but there was no way she was gonna let her mother see her sneaking out the door with a big black leather jacket in hand.
Betty sighs and settles down in front of her laptop. She doesn’t really know what she’s looking for, and technically this is just her own theory, but something still feels very suspicious about the combination of an all-star football player and a dangerous drug like fentanyl. She spends the next hour or two reading up about rise in overdoses across the country—there apparently is no shortage of small town horror stories much like their own.
Riverdale isn’t special, she realizes, and then feels naïve for not looking at this as indicative of a larger, national problem. Still, there's not much that reassures her about the conflicting depictions of fentanyl use and the image of Moose Mason.
After she’s read so many articles that her eyes start to cross, she slams her laptop shut and puts her forehead in her hands. She hears people mulling about outside the room; students have started arriving like a gathering flock of scavenging birds, circling ominously over a wounded animal.
Betty sighs, and decides to use the remaining minutes before the first bell to get a few things out of her locker. When she returns, there’s someone standing in front of the corkboard, and she has a brief moment of relief where she thinks it might be Jughead.
It’s not.
Agent Drew looks over his shoulder at her, his face serious, before glancing once more to the wall of clippings and index cards with theories. His eyes linger on the center card for FENTANYL.
He traces his eyes around the room, moving slowly, and reaches the collection of Nancy Drew novels stacked on a shelf. He runs his fingers over them contemplatively.
“You like Nancy Drew?” He asks with a small smile. Betty returns it awkwardly and nods, her mind still playing catch up with the fact that there’s an FBI agent in her newspaper office. “Me too. I always used to get teased for reading the Nancy books instead of the Hardy Boys, but, well, I liked her best.”
“Because of your last name?” Betty asks, without really thinking first.
“Sort of the other way around,” he says evasively, clearing his throat and straightening. “Anyway. Miss Cooper, when we last spoke, you mentioned a few things I would like to follow up on. Would you mind answering a few more questions for me? We don’t have to go to the station; we can do this right here.”
The first bell tolls between them, but neither move.
“I know my rights, sir,” she says, raising her chin in the air, in an act that looks more defiant than she feels. “You can’t question me without a parent.”
He smiles, and runs a smoothing hand over his already crisp suit jacket. In the warm yellow light of the Blue & Gold office, Agent Drew looks a lot younger and friendlier than he had on Friday night. “Miss Cooper—may I call you Elizabeth?”
“I go by Betty,” she says, in a shaky exhale.
“Betty, then. You’re not under arrest, or even in any trouble. This isn’t a custodial setting and we can stop at any time. If there were charges being laid, of course we would have a parent or a guardian present, but I just have a few qualifying questions.”
She shifts from one foot to another. He looks at her, eyebrows creasing. “Gauging from the generous collection of mystery novels and the set up on that corkboard, I get the sense that you’re someone looking for the truth. Well, I am too. That’s why I’m here.”
She considers him. She thinks about what Jughead would say if he were here; probably warn her about not trusting authority figures or something with a casual conspiracy theory about capitalist police states.
But Jughead isn’t here, and has been ignoring her for days now. Why should she care what he’d say? She stares at the coat rack where she’d hung his leather jacket this morning, thinking he’d want it back today.
“If you would like anyone here with you, you are more than welcome to it, and I’ll happily wait,” he adds, with a small smile.
“No, it’s okay,” she says hesitantly. Despite a growing wariness of law enforcement ever since Jughead entered her life, there is something trustworthy about Agent Drew. He doesn’t seem any less business-like, but in the light of day, he has almost a paternal air to him, despite the fact that he can’t be more than in his late 20s.
Agent Drew crosses the room to the door, which he closes gently. Betty takes her usual seat, and he slips into the one across from her; the place where Jughead usually sits. She’d been upset that he’d skipped school again today, but now she’s desperately hoping he doesn’t change his mind and stays away.
He hauls a heavy-looking briefcase onto the desk, and begins sorting through it. He pulls out a manila folder and that familiar little black notebook, and aligns them together so that they’re perfectly straight and parallel.
He opens up the folder and clears his throat. “As this information will be released to the public shortly, if not already, I should tell you that Mr. Marmaduke Mason, otherwise known as Moose, passed away in the early hours of Saturday morning.”
He glances up at Betty, watching her carefully for her reaction, so Betty feigns shock, her mouth falling open. She’s not sure she convinces him, because he narrows his eyes before moving on.
“This morning I received the toxicology report from the autopsy of Mr. Mason,” he says, and Betty feels a shiver at the word autopsy. “And, along with a few other things, there was a fair amount of the opioid known as fentanyl in his system. Now that I’m seeing your…er, corkboard, I’m wondering if you have anything you’d like to share with me in that regard. What made you suspect the overdoses on the south side were linked to fentanyl? As far as I know, that wasn’t published anywhere.”
“My friend Jughead suggested it,” Betty says cautiously. “He works with me on the school paper.”
“Ah,” Agent Drew sighs, opening up his little notebook and flipping through it. “Right, right. Mr. Jones. I ran the names that you gave me, and unfortunately, it poses a bit of a dilemma.”
Betty bristles. He reaches back into his briefcase and withdraws an identical envelope. He scans his eyes over the papers briefly and begins to read.
“Joaquin DeSantos, the one who you said placed the first 911 call, has been arrested on multiple accounts of vandalism over the years. Sabrina Spellman has been in so many fights it’s amazing she’s still upright. And your friend Jughead Jones was once held in juvenile court for trying to burn down his elementary school.”
He puts the folder down and crosses his arms over it. “All three are known Southside Serpents. I’m afraid that doesn’t bode well, given I’ve learned they fled the scene shortly after Mr. Mason was found and that Mr. DeSantos was seen leaning over Mr. Mason by a witness.”
He looks up at Betty, and she’s surprised to see he looks more resigned than anything.
Known Serpent, she thinks. All three are known Southside Serpents, she hears Agent Drew’s voice echoing. Trying to burn down his elementary school.
That couldn’t be right. Why hadn’t Jughead told her? How could he have kept that from her? Did he think she’d care? Judge him?
She feels hurt—beyond hurt, maybe—but she doesn't have time to unpack that. She tries to keep her attention on Agent Drew. Her nails breach the skin of her palms in an attempt at focusing.
“That might all be true, sir, but I don’t think it’s them or the Serpents who are selling the fentanyl. I think they’ve been getting targeted for refusing to. There have been a lot of motorcycle accidents and people being run off the road, and bricks going through windows, and—”
“Betty, please,” Agent Drew says calmly. “I’m not accusing the Southside Serpents of anything. To be frank with you, I know that the local police department here would very much like it to be that simple. It’d be a neat little bow to tie everything together and would get the mayor’s office off their backs. I’m a bit of an unpopular guy right now for suggesting otherwise, but I agree with you in that there seems to be a pattern here.”
He sighs, and busies himself with readjusting his files. “But I’ve gotten very off topic. Betty, the reason I actually wanted to speak with you today is because of your friend Veronica Lodge.”
Betty blinks. She pauses, not sure she’s heard him right. “What?”
“Betty, are you aware that Veronica’s father is currently awaiting trial in a federal penitentiary?” He asks, pen poised over the notebook once more.
“I mean…yeah, but for like, tax evasion, right? It’s not like he was arrested for murder.”
Agent Drew smiles, but it’s more of a grimace than anything. “That would be Al Capone. Though that’s not too far off base,” he adds, more to himself. He immediately looks frustrated with himself, and sighs, straightening. “Betty, has Veronica ever mentioned anything about her father to you?”
It’s one thing to help Agent Drew with the investigation into Moose’s death, and it’s another to start pointing fingers at her friends. She opens her mouth to tell him just that, but doesn’t get a chance to, because the door flies open with such a force that both of them jump in their seats.
“Elizabeth, stop talking,” someone says, and Betty looks up to see her mother storming across the room. She throws her purse down on a desk, her face red with rage. “Who the hell do you think you are, questioning my daughter without a parent or a lawyer in the room?”
“Mom, what the hell?”
Agent Drew bolts upright from his chair. “Ma’am, please, I just had a few questions for your daughter regarding my investigation. It’s perfectly within legal realms. I assure you she is in no trouble; I informed her that she had the option of awaiting guardianship—”
“I’d like to see some credentials,” Alice snaps. “And get your name, so that I can report it to your supervisor immediately.”
“Of course,” Agent Drew says, and quickly retrieves his identification badge. “Special Agent Charles Drew with the FBI.”
Alice stares at Agent Drew for a long, hard moment, her expression odd and pinched.
“Mom, how did you even know he was here?” Betty asks, and it’s as if a spell was broken. Alice inhales and turns to her daughter.
“I happened to have a meeting with Principal Weatherbee today regarding Homecoming. He mentioned to me that the FBI were on the grounds conducting interviews and, well, I saw you two through the door window.”
Betty knows her mother well enough to read between the lines; that means her mother pressed Weatherbee into a corner for information and then she immediately went stalking off for a scoop.
Alice turns to Agent Drew with appraising eyes. “What exactly is the nature of your investigation?”
“I’m sorry Mrs. Cooper, I’m afraid I can’t speak to the details of an ongoing case, however, beyond the fact that I’m now the primary investigator into Mr. Mason’s death this weekend.”
The revelation that a student died doesn't seem to shock Alice particularly, which means she must've learned about it this morning.
Betty looks at her. Her mother seems stuck between a rock and a hard place, perhaps warring with her instinct to needle for information and her desire to shelter her daughter from it. “And just how long has the FBI been involved here?” She asks, squinting at him.
“Details of the case will be made public after it’s closed, or until otherwise seen fit,” Agent Drew says, almost robotically. “Mrs. Cooper, I’ve done my research into this town, and I am aware that you and your husband run the town’s local newspaper, so unfortunately, you’ll have to wait for an official press conference to get your questions in.”
His lips twitch, just barely, and Betty realizes that actually might’ve been a joke.
“Fine,” Alice sniffs. “Now, if you have any more questions for my daughter, you can contact our lawyer. You’re done here.”
Agent Drew doesn’t seem particularly surprised that this is the conclusion of a helicopter parent storming into his interview. He gives her one last studying look before packing up his briefcase. “I’ll be in touch,” he says, and slips away.
Alice turns her eyes on Betty. “What was he asking you about?” She asks sharply. “I heard him mention Veronica Lodge’s name. I told you what I think of that girl. She’s not your friend.”
“Stop it!” Betty shouts. “You don’t even know her! Why are you so obsessed with this…witch-hunt with her and her family, when you should be talking about what’s really going on in this town?”
Alice crosses her arms and looks over at the corkboard. “What’s really going on in this town? You mean your flirtation with the high school newspaper? Elizabeth, please. Those gangbangers don’t care about you or any of us; why would you care about them? They made their bed and they’ll sleep in it as far as I’m concerned.”
Betty stares at her mother with horror. “Why are you like this?” She asks after a moment. “I mean, god Mom, what did they ever do to you?”
Alice just presses her lips together and looks back at the corkboard, her eyebrows creasing.
“People like you treat them like second-class citizens but they’re just as much part of Riverdale as we are. Just because they don’t fit into your Stepford fantasy doesn’t mean they aren’t,” Betty says, raising her chin into the air.
Her mother scoffs, though she looks noticeably ruffled. “Betty, this is hardly so Shakespearean. We’re not Capulets and Montagues. I’m perfectly sure there are some good people on the south side, but the fact of the matter is, I can say with certainty that a lot of them are gangbanging drug dealers. You of all people should know that by now, after what happened on Friday night, but you’ll see tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” Betty repeats. “What’s happening tomorrow?”
“Your father and I are running a story about this boy’s death and the little Serpent that was seen standing over his body,” Alice says, staring out the window. She glances back at Betty sharply. “Or is that not what happened?”
“That—that’s you twisting it!” Betty sputters. “We don’t have all the facts, we have no idea what happened or how Moose got the drugs. You know, Jughead said—”
“Jug-head? Who is Jug-head?”
Betty realizes her mistake immediately. “He’s…he works with me on the school paper.”
“What an unusual name,” her mother muses suspiciously. “Hard to think there’s more than one Jughead in this town. Would he be the same Jughead Jones of south-side-proper that Reggie Mantle listed as being at the party?”
“He had nothing to do with what happened to Moose,” Betty says quickly. “He was with me all night.”
Alice hums; she has the same expression that Betty makes when she’s filing something away for later. Then she sighs, her whole posture deflating a little.
“Betty, you do remember that Reggie Mantle’s father owns half the share of the Register, correct? And then there’s party thrown by his son, apparently unbeknownst to them, and it ends in a boy’s death. Needless to say, it doesn’t look good for an upstanding family to have an overdose under their roof.”
“But...”
“Do you realize the kind of pressure Mr. Mantle is putting on us to write about the culprits who dealt the drugs or brought them onto his property?” Alice snaps, looking suddenly very tired.
“But that doesn’t mean you should just start scapegoating the easiest target—”
Her mother turns to her, arms crossed. Her icy resolve seems to be melting a bit as she straightens.
“Betty, you wanted us to start talking about overdoses and drugs, and now we are. You wanted us to talk about the south side, and now we are. You don’t always get what you want the way you want it,” she says, and Betty is surprised to find the softness there, nestled in between a thoughtful frown.
Alice turns her attention back to the window. She almost looks sad now. “There are things I never wanted for you, honey, but I had to learn my lesson about Pandora’s box the hard way. And it seems you do too.”
.
.
.
#bughead#bughead fanfiction#betty cooper#jughead jones#riverdale#honestly i've passed 25k words on this and i'm having a hernia#HOW#WHY#WHEN#WHERE#HOW AGAIN#fics
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Hey guys! I wanted to know how was the fifty shades darker movie? Was it decent or was it really bad like some people are saying?
Omfg.
I actually have intense complicated thoughts on Fifty Shades.I’ve been obsessed with the rise and fall story of Fifty Shades, mostly because I’m a fanfiction writer myself and super - SUPER fucking familiar with the community and it’s inner workings. LONG POST AHEAD.
The tale of HOW and WHY Fifty Shades even hit bestseller is amazing. AD I SEE IT HAPPEN EVERYDAY ON AO3. Like, keeping your fanfic chapters to a couple thosand words, updating weekly, and commenting on comments for your fic to up the comment count (something I refuse to do for this very reason) is a VIABLE method to staying on the top list of any fandom on any fanfic hosting website. Even if you only have the same 10 people commenting on your fic, fic you comment back, 20 comments per chapter nad have 60 chapters? Thats 1200 comments! FUCKING INSANE. I see it everyday. I think every fanfic reader/writer knows that ONE STORY thats ALWAYS on top, for this reason alone, even when (JUST LIKE EL JAMES) the writing is horrendous.
So! When I researched all of this once the book was released and had all that controversy about BDSM I was both suprised, impressed and horrified. Suprised that a fanfic had even MADE it this far. Impressed because, you got to give the girl kudos. Having her original fanfic readers comment and rate her book on amazon with copy pasta reviews and skyrocketing her to #1 is ingenious. It is, from a marketing stand point its amazing. And of course, I was horrified and dissapointed that with all the fanfics out there, it had to be this one. Not only was the writing terrible, but its a terrible terrible representation of the bdsm culture and community.
Do not misunderstand me; The Fifty Shades books are horribly written and super problematic.
The Movies:
Okay so, I’m a huge film buff. Huge. I took film history and cinematic storytelling in college and I love analyzing movies.
From a director and writer and cinematographers standpoint, I was literally curious about HOW THE FUCK YOU EVEN FILM THIS MOVIE?? Like, will they have exposition of her ‘INNER GODDESS’ like some odd edgar wright cut aways to a Lizzie McQuire type Anastasia steel!?!? WILL THEY ACTUALLY FILM HIM RIPPING OUT HER TAMPON TO FUCK HER?? (this happens in the book) LIke I needed to know. I had to know. SO I had to see the first movie. I was too curious. AND I wanted to see a legit, from my generation, written fanfiction, adapated for film. Its too groundbreaking, even if you have problems with the story and films how is that not fascinating.
After watching it this is what I got (I did not pay for this movie btw.)
EVERY FANFICTION I EVER READ EVER ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE META MINDFUCK. Like!??? I have almost a keen adoration for how WEIRD it is to see ON SCREEN lines like “Your biting your lip.” LIKE – thats fanfiction from 2005, the lip bite. The FUCKING. Dialogue of this movie is like a collection of all the terrible coffee shop aus, high school, fanfic soap opera craziness. Or how he just bumps into her at her work and shit!? OR the fanfic issue of a 20-something yr old interviewing the SUPER HOT hotshot bachelor who has tons of money because….why? WHAT DOES HE DO? In fanfic it doesnt matter but in the movie THEY NEVER ADDRESS THIS EITHER>
I MEAN its literally that FIC. The one where theres nothing left of your ship you havent consumed, and this one aint so great but eh its 4am on a tuesday and it has 45 chapters.
I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend any writer or reader to watch this film just for the weird TRIP it is. It freaks me out mann its nuts!
The movie literally breaks hundreds of Cinematic rules JUST TO tell the story because its source material is what it is. Theres no introduction to the protagnist, no side introduction to our love interest like a rom con always does and the Meet Cute is isn’t a meet cute, it plays like a PROMPT. And its in the first 3 minutes of the film.
And the Twilight source the fic hangs on can be seen there on screen. Seattle, him saving her from the bike/car, his big rich family compared to her remarried mom (to a golfer not a baseball guy), and her estranged dad whose never around, the weirdness of Christian Grey thats missing that can only be explained by -immortal vampire-. Its insane. They didn’t change any of it. You can see Twilight right there its hilarious.
AND BECAUSE ITS FIC, theres actually, surprisingly, some really good moments? Its few and far between, but I find the bar scene generally funny and charming. Anastasia anyway. Christian is a creepy from first minute to last minute of every movie because what can you do with a non-vampire-vampire character, really? But Anastasia is pretty funny in a way Bella swan never was. I love the whole “Your so bossy, come here, come here, go away go away!” dialogue. FUCKING hilarious. And so unarguable a FANFIC genre of WIT. I like those moments. Or the buisness meeting about the bdsm contract “please turn to page 5 and strike out ‘anal fisting.’” “Are you sure?” “YUP.” (no paraphrasing, she literally says YUP. 10/10 delivery) Also love the texting scenes, reminds me too much of MS though and I immediately felt like trash.
Now, aside from those moments, hands down, terrible fucking plot. But it had terribel fucking plot to begin with.
What I was suprised about was that the film crew and creators DID IN FACT listen to te protests and uproar about the controversy of the content of the film. And I was suprised to see that THEY CHANGED a lot of stuff and cut out a lot of shit too. Christian NEVER touches her unless she says so. There actually a lot of moments stressing the consent thing. Even in the room, he tells her to hold out her hand and test the pain, and se if its ok. If its ever to much, he tells her to say stop, and he will. In fact, we see a lot of “nos” that he adheres to. Whereas in the books hes on he like a grade A rapist. They also add her in negotiating a ton of the terms.
Theres no tampon pulling scene and no inner goddess, much to my dismay/happiness. Lol.
HOWEVER.Aside from terrible plot, after making changes to the controversy, the movie didnt go far enough to differentiate the problematic nature of CHRISTIAN and the lifestyle of BDSM. Because Anna is a stranger of both, both are presented to the audience as BAD. We see bdsm through the lens of someone who USES IT THE WRONG WAY, FOR THE WRONG THINGS, and thats the main idea the movie can seem to target, and the book never bothered to learn. That last red room scene is Confusing at best, since its all consensual and really tame looking to anyone apart of bdsm, and misdirecting at worst to anyone not apart of it. Because its obvious Christian has ACTUAL Issues, but we’re made to believe all BDSM is like that, and its just not true.
TO THE SEQUELS CREDIT, 50SDarker goes a little more into this. Not just with dialogue, but showing how Anna is accepting of and in control of BDSM. She asks for specific thinks and seeks out certain sexual activities and calls him out on the shadier parts of his own personality, But in my opinion, its not enough. Theres too much –between the lines– and for a movie ABOUT this lifestyle, its to important to skim over like they do. Thats probably the most disapointing part.
All in all, its a terrible plot and terrible movie, that doesnt know enough about a material it references, and cant stand alone without its SOURCE material.
Theres way too many helicopter shots of places, and vehicles. Greys idea of romancise seems to be fancy transportation of some sort and his idea of -KINKY- sex is Cunnilingus, missionary, missionary cunnilingus, and missionary with some handcuffs. But its a WILD ride to watch. And has its genenuinly charming moments that can only come from the COMMUNITY of FANFICTION that molded it. As we know, fandom is just as much influenced by the original fiction as it is the headcanons, aus, peronality tropes and almost mandala effect culture the FANS put into it. And I love and adore that secret part of the movies. Dakota Johnson is also super charming and natural as Anna. A Bella swan, oc, induced character, self instert type fanfic pov. And to do that is some acting talent right there. And finally, and I’m probably the ONLY one here, but Im not 100% upset that 50shades got a movie. Because yes, its terrible in a on of fucking ways. But its STILL a fanfic on screen. And thats incredible. Thats why I bought tickets to support the sequel. She may have manipulated the rise to fame, but EL James still showed us the path to that goal. Fanifc to novelist, novelist to billiondollar box office numbers. EL James was ON SET, telling them how to film – HER FANFICTION. Thats a THING now. You cant not take fanfiction as a community and tool seriously now. Not when it made that much money. And hey, look at Superhero movies. We had to sit through too many shit Xmen and Daredevil movies to get an Iron man.
I will sit through a few 50shades to get my fucking favorite fanfics on screen too. Its not like Hollywood has any better stories to put up but Adam Sandler movies.
#it suprises me how many people dont know the fanfiction history of this movie#long post#im probably gonna get so much hate for this#oh well#50shades#50 shades darker#i didnt talk about the actual plot#WS THERE ONE?#that helicopter death scene came out of fucking NO WHERE#and the fucking ms robinsin character kept coming up like a bad soap opera#oh god#too many helicopter shots of enviroments
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