Bed, wed, behead: tea party trio from alice in wonderland (hatter, hare, mouse) who's getting what?

This can be any any version of alice in wonderland that you like, live or die the choice is yours

Well, Jigsaw, I have to say it's pretty generous of you to let me choose which version of Alice in Wonderland to apply this to considering that the Hatter from the American McGee's Alice series can survive being beheaded.

As for who to bed and wed, it's a little tricky for me to choose which of these choices to give this particular incarnation of the Hare since I've had the biggest crush on him since Alice: Madness Returns came out. No, really; it's embarrassing how I used to talk about him on here. In the end though, I suppose I'll bed him, only because I have no desire to have sex with the Dormouse. I'm sure Dormy and I will get along just fine as a married couple. If we go out to dinner he can yell at the server for putting onions in my sandwich.

Oh, what's the matter, Jigsaw? Did you want to see some bloodshed? Alright alright fine. Consider this version, then.

I'm gonna be frank: the idea of having sex with either this Hatter or Hare makes me want to die. So I'll bed the Dormouse. Do I want to? No, but bear with me. Going to bed with this Dormouse would be easy and painless because he would fall asleep mere seconds into the act. So from there I can just roll him off of me and either finish myself off or get up and go play Pokemon or something. The March Hare I'd marry, easily. We wouldn't be in love but we have similar enough attitudes and tastes that we'd get along. Which leaves Hatter to die because he's played by Martin Short who always was kinda off-putting to me tbh.

But wait! I have one more rotation, just for your amusement, Jigsaw! Let's look at the trio from the Tim Burton movie.

I'm just gonna get this out of the way: All three of them would be really bad at sex, let's be honest here. But I'll go with the Hatter to bed because sure why not. Marry the March Hare because he's adorable here and I love him so much he's so precious guys oh my god of course I wanna spend every waking moment with him. Which means the Dormouse has to go. Not that I hate her but like I was really never a fan of them girlbossifying the Dormouse. It just reeks of 2010s trans-exclusive pseudo-feminism not just because they made the Dormouse a girl but because they removed, like, everything from her that made her recognizable as the Dormouse and made her an action hero. Also they make her very clearly jealous of the attention Alice gets from the Hatter, which is? Like first of all girls getting jealous of other girls in media is so tired and second of all Mally girl you're the size of a human fetus at like 12 weeks calm down.