#i could never bring myself to imagine him actually carin about me. n then he went n actually fell for me n i'm just??? how??? what???
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I don't know what to do with myself without my unrealistic daydreams but
I'm havin trouble thinkin of anythin cause suddenly my reality went beyond anythin I ever fantasized about
Weird
#doll#it's not even escapism i'm just so used to livin in my head#but i mean....i just wanted him to be nicer to me. n maybe to be enough fun when i'm happy that he'd prefer to keep me that way#i could never bring myself to imagine him actually carin about me. n then he went n actually fell for me n i'm just??? how??? what???#it's not just words either cause he's really tryin to do better now. n he has been. i'm not scared of him at all anymore#i mean i really hope he's gonna stop hurtin the others too. we're...workin on that#he did say he'd try. i guess cause he doesn't like me bein upset n even less when it's cause of him#breaks my heart the way he just. doesn't know how to cope with the bad feelings at all. so he always put em on us instead#n now he's tryin not to do that anymore. tryin to sit with it n let himself feel it even though it's really fucking hard#i'm used to bein pretty emotional n this stuff is somethin i can barely cope with either#it wasn't that hard to convince him it's worth it but. made me wanna cry the way he asked me if that's gonna make it go away#n i mean. ofc i told him it will cause it has to right? at some point we'll have to have felt everythin that's been bottled up right?#he's so out of his depth n i just can't believe he's doin all this for me. just cause he wants me to stay n not hurt anymore#it's very much a work in progress but. there is progress. n that's good enough for me. long as he keeps tryin even if he relapses sometimes#spdrvent
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