#i cant hold my urges to doodle anywhere
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Ive got some issues and all I got was this stupid personality disorder label
Hurting myself isnt an answer.
Substituting physical for emotional pain doesn't work ive tried.
But half the time it seems like its the only way to prove things are tearing me up inside and it matters you know?
People dont take your pain seriosuly if youre not an active danger to yourself and others.
How ever since 2012 - we wont get into the shit in 2011/2010 - i have wrecked my car intentionally at least twice to get out of something,
I have cut my arm open and made up a ridiculous story that everyone bought (and still tell people because it is sort of funny and totally something 'I' would do) because it makes more sense then what really happend - I was trying to get out of a conversation i didnt want to have
I ran away to Pittsburg without a word to anyone because it was the first flight leaving that was going someplace that didn't make sense for me to go
I commited fraud - actually for the second time in my life though this time was much different and kinda a fluke - pulled all my cash, took a bua ride to virgina where I was on the street for two days before finding the homeles shelter
Didn't talk to anyone I knew for over a year with one exception that I dont want to get into
Agreed to come home to a place I didn't want to be, to go to school despite not wanting to because it was the 'right' thing to do
Stopped going to classes no matter how.hard I tried to force myself
While for a while i DID get a shrink I stopped going to see her too even though that did make every thing more bearable
I literally find it unsafe for me to drive because the urge to wreck is constant, with some minor urges to just drive away and never come back
I DID wreck my moms car because I was rushing because going to work is such a trial I will watch the time approach until its too late or almost to late before going despite WANTING to be there
Ive lost my job because I simple stopped going because I couldn't STAND them saying nice things about me when I felt like I was fucking all the things up
At my current job I sometimes do go hide in the bathroom to calm down, or have vauge out days where I'm not really there even though Im there.
Ive been really anxious when I do just about anything except when Im not and then I think I'm just psyching myself out for the attention - even though EVERYTHING in me says ANY attention is bad attention
I basically only want to sleep. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Sleep. Get up. Dinner time and or shower. Back to sleep.
Only i dont always just sleep sometimes i just lay there very much not present while I scroll through tumblr because its the only medium i dont actually have to focus on.
I dont read or write or doodle or play games or do much of anything because it makes me uncomfortable. I cant focus. Feel guilty. I should be doing xyz. Bored despite really wanting to do this.
I dont talk to my friends much and part of that is the schedule - im up at five so im usually going to bed when people are free or at work.
But honestly I can feel how much time I somehow lose or waste like a sweater thats shrunk in the wash.
I shower only once to twice a week which is about the time I finally notice im gross and realize I have to do something about it or people will care
I know some of my current issue is the season but this isnt a new thing or even a dramatic worsening of the state of affairs in my life.
This is the norm it just feels worse right now.
And that's kind of terrifying.
I have very casual disregard for my wellbeing
Im apathetic or angry or want to die...
I want to suffer in a way that's physical and people care about so I can feel valid and not broken
But i dont want help because nothing is wrong
Im being dramatic
And any attention is bad attention
Because i cant explain yes I'm suffering and this is hard for me why must you go out of your way to make it worse dad - without also feeling like oh I dont tell or show him how im hurting at all and when I do its not in a way that makes him take it seriously and never has he ever changed
And it's not just him though its hard to focus on not being upset at him because every thing I normally DONT deal with comes flooding up whenever something new happens
It's... How I don't need people to treat me like I'm glass. To be sympathetic or sad at me. But itd be nice to be able to call in because I'm too scared to go to work. Or leave early because I can't hold it together this long.
And its terrifying to know that maybe my brain just doesn't handle stress well enough to work a full eight hour shift, or five days straight of work. That it takes a full day to recover from stress and during that time Im basically useless and not going to do much in the way of chores or what not.
And though I will on the second there's also a chance the doldrums will set in and going to work will feel like an impossibility the next day.
I'm not making enough money working what I am. I cant afford to cut back.
Just like I can't afford surviving another car wreck.
Just like going to a mental institute or a hospital because I cut my arm open or stabed myself in the leg or a dozen other things or just decided to draw red lines on my arm with a paring knife because even though it doesnt help it might make me feel like my pain is real even though doing it would instantly invalidate it because its for attention that I dont want not only wouldnt help but would make my life worse.
Im just. Sick of my own bullshit. And even if I could find another shrink I like, I couldnt garentee Id keeping going - hell I dont want to go right now even though I want to - and I sure as hell couldn't afford it.
Im tired of being a burden.
I dont want to be here - I shouldnt be here - and laziness and avoidance of conflict is the only reason I havent worked on going anywhere else.
I do bad on my own. Emotionally and in the taking care of myself department. But I also cant say I'm reliable for any stretch of time. Short bursts yes but not consistantly cause brain likes to avoid and run and panic and fall apart. So it also seems pointless to plan to go anywhere because I'll fuck myself over before too long.
I'm just not okay.
And I'm tired of not being okay.
And I'm upset and emotional and maybe just maybe
If i write enough of this down Ill drown it out in the senseless rambling of my own thoughts.
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