should i move out? via /r/islam

should i move out?

I've posted on reddit multiple of times about my parents. Many told me to move out, others told me to pray and have sabr. I chose the latter, and nothing's changed. I am 19 years old living in the states. I am turning 20 this coming year. I come from an Arab family that values culture, tradition and reputation above everything. I am not allowed to go out with friends (have a social life basically), I can't drive, carry money, have a job, have social media, I have to wear what my father wants (basically abayah), my phone is constantly checked, I have no privacy whatsoever, I cant shower for longer than 10 minutes or if I decide to shower consecutively like a normal human my mom gets suspicious, the list goes on. I'm in college, I went to islamic schools all throughout my life. I have a good understanding of what I can and can't do. I've talked to boys before but there's always been boundaries placed. My father's hit me before for talking to a guy- he literally strangled me. My father almost kept me from going to school last semester because "if i lied about my exam i must be lying about other things" Another thing he is always doing is threatening me with my education, "if i catch you doing this, you're not allowed to go back to school." I actually almost took a handful of pills after that incident and my mother, who pretends to be on your side but then snakes you, told my father. My father told me to do it, to kill myself., "i'll get you a knife to fasten the process" like what?? My mental health is at its worst.

Since my parents are deaf to reason, I do things behind their backs, such as hhaving an instagram account. I don't do anything haram on it. In fact, I post hadiths and islamic reminders daily. And yes, i followed both genders but then again- BOUNDARIESSSS- and it was people i know or people who go to my university. I also met a Pakistani boy who goes to my universiy and we talked with intention to marry. It's crazy how parents expect you to never speak to a man and then marry one or they start pressuring you when you're at a certain age and still single. make it make sense.

Anyways, my father saw i had pictures of myself on my phone (im not allowed to take selfies lol :') ) and got suspicious i had an account. He asked me and I lied bc he never listens. He gave my IP address to his friend and they found my account that way. Okay, the cat was out the bag so I told him about the Pakistani man too and I swear he had murder in his eyes. he literally spat at me. My father is racist and closed-minded. Both my parents started to slut-shame me and call me names even though it was purely islamic. the irony of all this was that I was going to tell my mother this saturday about him. My father has taken all my devices and said he doesn't want me going to college. my mom said he's sending me overseas and I have no idea what to do.

I told my friends, who know how my family is and they contacted a dean for emergency housing at my school. my other friend offered to take me to her house and her mom also happens to be a domestic abuse lawyer. she said they would help me stay in school and everything. all my friends are stressing at the fact that this is abuse and i need to leave. i told them to give me until this friday and they say i might not have that time. i want to talk to my father and see what he is planning to do with me. if it's "send u off blah blah" obviously I have to go. i'm scared to leave, terrified really. scared because what will happen to my dad's reputation, scared what will happen to my mom, and scared for my sisters.

anyways, im really sorry this is long. i'm just lost and not in a good head space right now. i could use help from hijabis like myself. im also going to repost this on other muslim subs for max advice. if i do leave, its a monumental step, and ik i can't even go back so i want to make sure im doing the right thing.

Submitted September 17, 2020 at 08:46AM by lulu_luv_ via reddit https://ift.tt/33DMuZS

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

Day 37 (& 36,35,34,33 ..blabla)

Not much to tell.

It’s just that um. Yeah, things are different. Life is different. I am different.  I am not that familiar with this version of me and don’t know how much I am capable of. But I know that I got a lot weirder. I could hardly care or give a shit about most of the things. Ignorance is my best defense mechanism; I tend to ignore/ keep away things which get to me.  However, everything comes with a price. I get crazy crayyy crayyy zee cravings from time to time. Sometimes it’s food, sometimes it’s shopping. Sometimes it’s taking a perfect picture of food maybe, or of something. Idk. depends on situation os surroundings. Sometimes its looking for the perfect shoe online, and other times the perfect lipstick shade. Or other times its making a list of all the make up products I want to buy. Sometimes im deciding which mall to go to and when. Other times i am thinking which restaurant to go to and when. Sometimes in the most random way possible i start thinking of any specific food and crave it badly and almost feel its taste in my tongue, other times I am making decisions of how I will be eating healthy and making big lifestyle changes.  Sometimes thinking of how little minor details in life, the ways people interact, the comments people make, the way people look at you, the way you respond to someone, the feelings that are being expressed, the feelings that are being suppressed can mould a persons life in such different ways and affect someone so deeply.. thinking of it all draws tears to my eyes.. The world is a harsh place. We might consider ourselves as “human beings”; the civilized creatures but in reality.. I think there is not much difference. We are only a little better than animals who need to be “tamed”. Infact, even harder when we are the ones who need to tame ourselves because everyone is damaged in their own way. No one is perfect, no one was taught how to survive life. Its like you were dumped on earth and you need to figure things out for yourself but hey that’s kind of okay once you know that this is what youre supposed to do. But what about those people who think they are doing right. Who think it is okay to be exactly the way they are now. Hahaha, I guess I sound like I am angry with humans lol. But nah, I dont really care tbh. Now this would be a lie maybe in the past where I would just be “trying” to not care, but now! I actually dont! but that doesnt mean I can totally ignore bullshit happening in this world. but yeah, it doesnt really get to me so much! Anyways, moving on. So yeah! How i survive. Well at times I kind of lose it and get really attached to materialistic/ worldly luxuries! Like i-neeed- to buy this. I -need- to go there. I -need- to eat this. Sometimes it is posting a pic on instagram, where life is so sugarcoated and nice. I have been working on it for a long time. I really have a thing for taking pics of food mostly or other things or myself and when I pick some of them, and put them together and theres a chronological order being maintained to some extent. Just scrolling through it, your life flashes in front of you to an extent. Its nice.  Now one might think that i could do the same scrolling through my gallery too but theres a difference. First, since i am a person who is a sucker for taking pics, my gallery is overloaded! Back in high school, my pictures wouldnt just take up the whole of my gallery but also would fill up my friends’ phones too! they would literally have way more pics of me than their own selves. But the difference is that id chose pics which i would want to upload, which are okay to be shared. Btw its not really like i upload my -best- pics. most of the times it is one of the average ones. As much as i would like sharing ‘dark’ parts of me, I am also not comfortable sharing good ones all the time. well anyways, so yeah thats enough about pics i suppose lol i can go on talking all day wow ‘-’

Okay then there’s me having this strong urge to eat something, or go shopping and buy something and all of that. How i deal with that? well sometimes it really gets on my nerves and that is bad. And then i realize i am diverting my aims in life and yeah that is pretty much it. I just get my mind to think straight and I am fine for some time. it sounds really simple yeah, but its really really bothering when i crave for anything! like it really gets to me to really extreme levels. its all i think of and i cant concentrate or do anything peacefully. but when i get back to my senses, everythings fine again.

This was just one side of things. There is another side to. This one’s easy! I sleep. or just sit and do nothing. When i say nothing i mean it. Its not like i am on my phone and im going through every social media app scrolling on and on and doing nothing. its not like i am sitting on my laptop and doing nothing. It notttttt! When i say doing nothing i mean it. Nothing. I am just sitting with no gadgets, nothing. No i am not even lost in deep thoughts about anything. Like i said, ignorance is my escape. I just dont care enough to get to do something, anything. So i end up sleeping! And except for pee breaks, i can sleep for hours and hours like wow! this was so not me lol! I actually didnt like sleeping so much, well not like i like it now. I mean yeah i do sleep a lot but not because i like it. I am neutral, there is nothing it like about it and i might have hated it earlier but now i dont hate it either. I mean before i used to think there is so much to lose of people keep sleeping all day. Well right now I still have the same idea but i mean at this phase in life right at this moment, for me, there isnt much I am losing while sleeping so its ok. 

So yeah, those are the two extremes i keep shifting between! extreme cravings for the weirdest things followed by letting go of all this materialistic desires/ urges and getting my thoughts clean! Or doing literally nothing, not caring at all, ignoring anything and everything and sleeping! 

Um well thats it. Now before finishing up there are two things I wanted to point out! 

One is that my food cravings dont really have anything to do with the fact that its Ramadan, because I havent fasted a day yet. i mean food was always important to me. It helps me deal with things both mentally and emotionally since always.. Same as spending money on shopping! 

And the other thing I wanted to point out is him.  There is nothing new i can tell about him. just that he is always on my mind. Always. To keep it short, its like the ONLY  thing that has changed is that we dont talk. AND that is a big big big thing. but that is the only thing. That is how i feel! And since it is a big big big big thing (way bigger than all the bigs I put in there) it s not cool! But idk  I just miss telling him how much i love him.. Okay i was never a person who was into ‘telling’ that cause i really really believe that actions speak louder way louder than words when it comes to those 3 words -i-love-you- but yeah! that doesnt mean id be cool if someone would just act it out and not tell me so lol.  And yeah so its the same right now. I mean i really feel like I would never fail in acting out my love for him. I am  just that certain and aware of how much he means to me. So yeah, that is why i said. that i miss telling him so. that i love him.. I miss being able to do so.. Ummm yahhh So that’s it! Pretty long post ik but kinda making up for the extremely tiny mini posts for the last few days but yeah i pretty much covered what is going on with me this whole time so yeah!  :) 

dude. ok. this is exactly what I mean.

back when the trailer for bohemian rhapsody first came out, I was super excited and just made a random post on social media saying “someone come watch this with me it looks so good.” I didnt rlly get any response but it was fine bc I just wanted to express my excitement.

then the movie comes out, and one of my rlly good guy friends works at the theatre so he can bring friends in for free. I literally listen to this guy rant all the time and we’re rlly close, so im like, he probably wouldn't mind doing me a favor and bringing me in since this movie just means a lot to me, right? but he ends up not having any time and finally I just felt so bad about bothering him so much about it that I stopped asking.

so then one weekend he ends up going to see the movie with a bunch of guy friends (some of which are my friends too). and I was out of town and I was like...wow. I mean ik he didnt purposely go just bc I wasn't there and that was prolly his free weekend and I happened to not be home but whatever. I wasn't rlly sad about him not bringing me, I was sad about not getting to see the movie. also, that group never did get to see the movie bc the theatre was filled up so they ended up watching something else.

anyway, one of the guys in that group is my best friends boyfriend. I basically set them up, since this guy (who's also my friend) had a crush on her and came up to me and I literally stayed up all night for 2+ weeks during the summer and spent so many hours just giving advice. I literally TOLD him the things to say and text to her. I gave him the idea for getting her a blanket for her birthday, forcing me to come up with another idea for my own gift for her. he used MY reasoning for the gift to explain why he got it, and she treats this blanket like its her favorite object. I was the one who ordered the present online for him, because he asked me to, because he didnt want his mom to question it. Even though it meant my mom asked me why I was spending so much money on her gifts. even though I had to go through the effort and I had to wrap the present and bring it to school. 

so after they went to watch the movie (but ended up watching something else), my friend is all “I want to watch bohemian rhapsody!!” which is so FUNNY bc every time I mentioned it before she’d roll her eyes and act annoyed and she NEVER listened to queen or expressed a modicum of interest before then, never sang along to bohemian rhapsody with the rest of us. but ok.

a few months later, bohemian rhapsody is out of theatres. the guys did end up seeing it, and they’re all obsessed with queen now, even though before half of them didnt know anything about them. its fine bc this is true of like half the teenage population who now professes to be huge fans of queen. I mean like, its fine, queen deserves it. and now there's people to discuss queen with so yay I guess. I never did get to see it in theatres which was sad, but I knew I could just find it online although it wouldn't be the same experience.

so then there’s another of my really good friends, a beautiful, talented, nice, perfect friend whom everyone likes. one of our guy friends who went to see the movie had a giant crush on her. I was the first person he told and he said not to tell anyone else so I didnt, but then he ended up telling a billion people and the situation got out of hand and uncomfortable for the girl, and I sat there giving him endless advice. (I also gave him advice during the times the three of us--sometimes 4, when the movie theatre friend was there--were face timing about the blanket guy trying to date my best friend.) I’ve had so many late night chats with this guy, talking to him, listening to his rants, spent so many hours trying to convince him to go to prom and ask this perfect friend to prom. I helped him with his promposal, came up with the majority of the logistics for his promposal, and stayed up with him while he made it. he’s sent me personal thoughts he hasn't shared with anyone else. I also comforted him when he lost someone recently and he said “thanks for being a really good friend and always being there for me” and after that has proceeded to treat me worse than he treats this perfect girl and my best friend. like, he’s always there to comfort my best friend, he always responds to her messages and addresses her in group chats. same with the perfect friend, he wants to go to her dance recital and stuff and is trying to persuade others to go too. I mean, I can understand it, bc not only are they both really pretty and accomplished, thus deserving of appreciation and kindness and friendship, he actually has reason to like them bc ofc he had a crush on this perfect friend and my best friend is HIS best friend’s girlfriend. but still, he’s been one of the few people to say that im a good friend so I thought he actually appreciated having me there as a friend and I kinda expected him to treat me as well as he treats them?? but guess not. and this perfect friend, I love her, and she's so nice to me, and were closer than I am with a lot of other people in our friend group. we have classes together and we can rant about stuff and I dont have to act like everythings fine around her (although Ive never expressed my actual sadness and depression to her bc her life is just so perfect, so she doesn’t actually know anything beyond the surface, but what I mean is that we can actually talk about deeper issues about the world and stuff). I love her but she is SO concerned with image and reputation. she never speaks up against people. in classes ive had to go up and talk to the teacher to ask questions for my friend. she’ll never say anything. and it sucks bc when we’re with others, she’ll put them before me. like suddenly they’ll all tease or laugh at me, im sure out of a good place, but it still sucks. she’ll team up with the guys, trying to gain their approval (they all love her anyway, so its really unnecessary). the other day our group chat decided to play evil apples, and the first round she won and I was second before the 2 guys, and in the second round one of the guys won and she was 2nd and I was 3rd but the prom friend (the one who had a crush on her) lost. then the next day in a class we were in a group playing cards against humanity, and when it was my turn to judge, I chose a card that was appropriate rather than an inappropriate one bc the appropriate one just made more sense and she whispers to the guy next to her, “see this is why we can’t play with them.” in a different round, the question card was “I get by with a little help from ______” and I said “is there a beatles related card” bc I wanted to make a reference, and the girl on the other side of perfect friend whispered what I said to her, giggling. it made me annoyed bc they were talking behind my back, and I would've been fine if it was the girl and the guy on each side of her, bc even though we’re all kind of friends they never really seemed to like me that much and always have seen me as just this weird, socially awkward, annoying person, but it made me so MAD that my FRIEND was taking part in this, and not saying anything, and just looking down on me when in private she’ll act like im her favorite person in the whole world. but whatever, I digress.

back to the point, perfect friend a few months after bohemian rhapsody left theaters she watched it somewhere and loved it, and she said it in our group chat, and everyone was like yay and loving her texts and had a discussion about how good it was.

yesterday I finally, finally watched it after months of waiting. so today I text the group chat that I watched it, and spam a little about what I liked and I didnt, which I realize is annoying bc I spam all the time and I cant really help it. but I expected since everyone in the chat is now queen fans, even those that weren’t before the movie, we could just obsess together over how good it was. 

but the only one who replied at first was my best friend (bless her). she loved a few messages (namely, 3: the first was that I watched it, the second was that the casting for brian may was amazing, and the third was that the live aid scene was so good). I was kinda confused bc I didnt think she even knew what I was talking about, especially since I didnt think shed even seen the movie? but maybe she did. or maybe she was just appreciating the comments, and anyway, regardless, I was grateful for her responding. and she said like “ooo where did you see it” and I said I found it online and she said “oh lol.” and she dislikes my ending text of “sorry for the spam I just really enjoyed it.” so I was grateful. but no one else really said anything.

until perfect friend sends an unrelated pic and says something. then she loved my text that I finally saw bohemian rhapsody, basically as an afterthought, but didnt say anything else on it. prom friend right away responds to perfect friend, ignoring all my texts, even tho I thought he was such a big fan of queen now after seeing the movie but whatever. he also then sends a video of blanket friend to the same group chat, addressing best friend, saying her name and what they’re doing.

so, nice to know im not liked lol.

I know this is a long winded story (I mean it doesn't matter cuz im just writing this to myself not anyone else) but im just so frustrated. I wish there was someone out there who would just CARE and appreciate my friendship and treat me like a friend. I KNOW I DONT DESERVE IT. and everything I say is with that unspoken warrant. like I KNOW. im just trying to say that at the same time im so tired of giving so much to my different relationships only to have it be reciprocated by like 5%. the closest connection I have is with is best friend, but she still looks down on me and has even told me everything she hates about me, two years ago when she was trying to get me to join color guard. color guard is like her obsession now, and she says she didnt know what it was before, even though back at the end of 8th grade I literally ASKED HER, “do you want to join color guard in hs.” but I guess she didn’t hear me and just disregarded it like she has SO MANY OTHER THINGS she doesn't deem important until she or her boyfriend or someone “discovers” it and then suddenly its her original idea or something. and ever since that episode when she basically ranted about everything she dislikes about me, just bc I didnt want to join color guard, nothing has been the same. I know ive wronged her so many times and I feel bad. I dont deserve her trust (I betrayed it so many times, like when I didnt tell her I was helping her (now) boyfriend) and I understand that, but now we dont share anything real. I dont trust ANYONE and all my real feelings and secrets I keep to myself. she doesn't need me for anything anymore now that she has a boyfriend, so its fine. but she still actually cares about me, and I care about her, and at least she will show her friendship and support for me. 

its just, I try so hard to connect. to act like im happy and have emotions when inside im depressed and empty. I try to show enthusiasm for everything they do when honestly I have so many of my own problems to worry about that I honestly just dont have the energy to care. I try to offer myself to comfort them and I prioritize other peoples feelings over my own obligations, feelings, problems, sleep, health, and time. I know it sounds like im a bad person just “faking” it and resenting these things that I should be happy to do. I guess I am, but its just that my mental health is so bad right now that its impossible for me to actually bring myself to care about stuff and others and myself or anything at all so thats why. When I get an opportunity to help people (like with the promposal and the girlfriend) it actually invigorates me bc I feel so needed. I willingly spend time on that bc it actually feels like im accomplishing something. It feels like people actually want me there. it feels like by doing this people will appreciate me. but that’s where im wrong. I got him his girlfriend and now he never talks to me or responds to my texts. I KNOW hes there, bc he’ll love all of her texts in the group chat, even the ones just saying the same things I already said, but he doesn't react to any of mine. I got him his prom date, yet in the hallways he doesn't say hi to me but he’ll gladly say hi to perfect friend or best friend. yesterday in lunch people got their yearbooks. perfect friend realized the cover had a feature. prom friend is there. best friend runs over yelling about how the cover is so bad because it’s predominantly black while the past 2 were predominantly white. to point out a good aspect, I repeat the feature perfect friend said. prom friend repeats what I said, but not in a high pitched voice or anything that hints at sarcasm or teasing. so I turn to him and im like “....I just said that.” he goes “I know. I was mocking you.” perfect friend and best friend say nothing to defend me. I just... I dont get it. a few days ago you said I was a good friend and now you proceed to make fun of me. somehow something about me makes it ok for him and others to make fun of me and look down on me, when he doesn't tease best friend or perfect friend. he treats me like trash but since the other two are perfect, since he likes perfect friend and since best friend is dating his friend, they have an automatic pass to be treated like queens, to be admired by him. best friend and perfect friend dont think they need to defend me when ive been nothing but loyal. it makes me annoyed because ive spent years defending best friend anytime someone says something. I was the outspoken one who'd yell at the guys when they teased. yet all anyone ever saw me as was the annoying, dramatic one. when I was just trying to be a friend the way I knew how. I thought being loyal was how to be a good friend, bc thats all I ever wanted. my brother made fun of me and put me down, at home, and in front of his friends, which were the most embarrassing time of all. so I thought my friends would appreciate me being loyal, yet all its ever seemed in all these years is that they’re embarrassed of me when I jump at those who tease. but I guess its because im so socially awkward. I overreact when things dont call for such big scenes. I talk too much. I try too hard. I just hate how I always take the fall. I never get credit where its due, just because I try to stay humble yet everyone still thinks im arrogant. I keep quiet, bc if I ever said what im saying now, it would just prove it. “see? you DO think highly of yourself.” they dont know that I would do anything to remove myself from this earth if I could because I have so much self loathing in me. 

the other day in math we were working in groups. one group came up with something and said it and the rest of the class was like “ohhh” but one group didnt hear and were like “what?” best friend goes “no dont tell them! make them figure it out themselves.” so I say to a classmate about to tell them, “no no no dont!” but in my voice thats 50x louder than my friend’s. someone else goes “what? no! thats so mean!” I was so embarrassed. I wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't my friends idea. I couldn’t care less whether that group knew or not, but since my friend said it I wanted to be supportive so I said something to have a bit of fun. yet I was the mean one, the one everyone looked at weird, the dramatic, annoying one, yet AGAIN. 

and it just made me think. I have taken the fall for others so many times and they have never spoken up. when its the other way around, when someone gets blamed for something that was my own fault, I always speak up and make sure to take the fall. I make it clear until people understand. and yet my friends never do the same for me. so why do I even bother?

I just need to stop trying so hard to be a friend, to be likable, because I know ill never know how. its just not in me to understand how to be a normal fucking person. to know how to interact with others. to not be socially awkward. to respond the right way. to not have a loud voice or talk too much or overshare. to read social cues and understand when people dont like me and to not force myself on them.

if I ever reach adulthood, maybe I can just sequester myself away from all humans, so none of them will ever have to deal with me again. so I dont fucking ruin society anymore. so I dont have to humiliate myself time and time again. so everyones lives can be so much better.

its embarrassing, im embarrassing, and im so tired of it.