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mrsaguapapi · 1 year

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Ch 1 Ch 2

Chapter 3

Eyes Wide Shut

The Vibe:

La Llorona-Carmen Goett

I sit on the balcony of my therapist's apartment, I can hear the busy city streets below us and the fluttering wings of birds in the sky. We've been doing this for a few weeks now, and each session brings me closer to healing but it's only an inch at a time to a mile-long worth of trauma.

I sit in my seat obviously unable to see the sun but I can feel the warm summer heat grace my face. My therapist hands me a joint and I take a deep inhale, feeling the familiar calming effect of the ✨jazz lettuce✨. She is definitely an "out-there" professional technically no longer licensed but she continues to work with associates of Japan's underground crime syndicates; she for whatever reason, relates well to us criminals (both past and current). She was a small, unassuming woman who has been described to me as a 'Sweet gal, with tired eyes and a perpetually weary expression'

We sit in comfortable silence for a few moments before my therapist speaks up. "So, Ari, what's been on your mind since our last session? How have the nightmares been lately?" My therapist asked

"They're back," I admitted, throwing my head back and exhaling dramatically "It's like I'm reliving everything again."

She nodded. "Tell me about it. What's been coming up for you?"

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "It's always the same thing. The night I had to take out the Hive. In my dreams, It's like it's all happening again, and I can't stop it."

My therapist leaned forward, her eyes never leaving mine. "You need to lay it all out on the table, Ari. You can't keep pushing it down and pretending it never happened. It's always going to be there, lurking in the background until you deal with it head-on."

I knew she was right, but it was hard to hear. I didn't want to relive those memories, to feel the pain and the guilt and the shame all over again. But I also knew that I couldn't keep living like this, trapped in my own head, reliving my nightmares every night.

"I know," I said finally. "I just... I don't know how to start."

"Start with the beginning," my therapist said gently. "Just lay it all out, explain it to me as if I have never heard of the Yakuza"

And so I did.

My father was an assassin, a highly skilled one at that. He was on a mission to take out a house of child sex traffickers, most of their victims were between the ages of 10-16. I was 1 years old at the time, I learned later in life that I was the daughter of one of the trafficked children. She died of malnourishment just days before we were saved; they planned to raise me into the sex trade as I was a "Rare Find" in the Japanese child trafficking market, and , not many black children were involved.

Fortunately for me, my father Tanaka found me. All of the children that were saved were going to be home with families in the area except me. I was deemed unwanted by the community because of my color. He without a word took me and raised me as his own.

My father was a man of few words, but his actions spoke volumes. He had been orphaned and living on the streets at a young age but managed to work his way into the yakuza and up the ranks; eventually, he became a respected member of the criminal organization.

He was a solitary man who preferred to keep to himself, but when he took me under his wing, he became a dedicated and loving father. He was tough on me, and he taught me what he knew, albeit not the best practice to teach your daughter the *art* of assassination. When I went blind he was nothing but caring he got me Yukio for additional support, but he did not let up on me one bit, he treated my blindness as an obstacle, not a disability.

Despite his gruff exterior, my father had a deep love for me, I think I was the only one that understood him. He was fiercely protective of me and would do anything to keep me safe. We were inseparable, and even when we weren't working together, we spent all of our free time together. Granted, we did a lot of...questionable things. Assassinations, kidnappings, drug deals. You name it, we did it. But I cherished every moment I had with him.

"You say 'had'?" she questions, "Is he no longer with us?"

I take another hit from my joint and try to hold back some of my tears, "I'm not ready to talk about it yet, is that okay?" I exhale and sniffle a bit

"Of course, would you like to continue, or do you need a break?"

"I'm okay," I say

"Proceed" she gave me the floor once again.

Together we climbed the hierarchy of the yakuza, and he eventually became a boss. There was pushback about me being a member of the Yakuza due to my blindness but I soon proved to be a force to be reckoned with. We ran an empire together for a few years before the night of my merciless execution of the Hive. The night I became Kokushibyō, the Black Death.

The Hive was a clan of assassins from a rival gang in Japan. They were known to be ruthless and cunning, and they specialized in kidnappings and assassinations of rival gangs and political figures in Japan. One night, they kidnapped the daughter of one of our allies, the Yakuza boss called Nomad. As a sign of good faith, my father sent me and my team to retrieve the kidnapped girl the boss.

But things didn't go as planned. We were ambushed and my entire team was killed. It was just me left to finish the mission by myself. I was outnumbered, but I manage to take out nearly 100 men on my own and retrieved the child before reinforcements came.

I killed so many people that night. And the worst part is, I didn't feel anything. I was just...numb. Like I was in a trance," I say, my eyes filling with tears.

That night changed everything for me. I was traumatized by the experience and realized that I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't be an assassin, not after what had happened. So, I retired from the business, much to my father's disappointment. But he understood, in his own way. He loved me, and he knew that I had to do what was right for me. I found a love for cooking so I moved out here and built my restaurant. I'm living a good life, I love my business, and my dog, even this Jujustu stuff is kinda cool, and yet I still feel empty, worthless, and scared.

"Scared of what?" She asks

"That I'm a monster..."

"Ari, you are not a monster. The fact that you feel remorse for your actions and worry about your impact on others shows that you have a conscience and are a caring person."

"But I killed so many people that night. I don't think I can ever forget what I did."

"It's understandable to feel that way, but you have to understand that you were doing what you had to do to protect someone. You were acting in self-defense and defense of others. It's not like you went out of your way to harm innocent people."

"But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the violence and the power I had over them."

"That doesn't make you a monster either. It's natural to feel a rush of adrenaline and excitement in situations like that. It's important to recognize those feelings and work on managing them, but it doesn't make you a bad person."

I sigh and wipe my tears, "Thank you, I needed to hear that"

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The Vibe:

Jaded-Ms. White

After another 20 mins, we wrap up our session, and I Uber to Jujustu Tech. I've been at this now for about 6 months and it's honestly not so bad; working with these kids brings me joy, and reminds me of me and my father when we would train together.

Bittersweet

Today, I prepare for my training sessions with the teachers and other sorcerers. It's become a weekly routine for me and just about everyone has had at least one session with me. I take pride in my ability to train others in combat and weapons, despite my blindness.

Atsuyu, however, refuses to come back. I think I may have scared him a bit. He probably thought he would have the upper hand with me since I can't see, but I've become an excellent swordsman through years of training.

Shoko is a regular attendee and we've become good friends over time. She may not be the best fighter, but I've seen improvement in her skills.

Ijichi is another regular attendee who surprised me with his combat skills. He may appear timid at first, but he's actually a powerhouse in combat.

Mei Mei and the principal have also come to a few sessions. It's been fun working with them individually and seeing their progress. Overall, I enjoy these training sessions and the opportunity to share my skills with others.

As for Gojo and Nanami not so much. Gojo claims he's the best jujutsu sorcerer and doesn't need any help or notes. Typical Gojo. As for Nanami, he's been completely silent since our fight months ago. I'm afraid I might have crossed a line with him. He hasn't said a word to me since that day. It's been bothering me, but I don't know what to do about it.

I put Yukio on her leash and stepped out of my apartment, I couldn't help but feel the sun beating down on my skin. It was one of the hottest days of the summer, and I had to come up with a way to combat the heat. I decided to wear a pleated mini skort and white cropped top, paired with a set of white heels that strap around my ankles. The outfit was minimalistic, yet practical enough to keep me cool. My hair was braided up into long box braids, a protective hairstyle for the heat.

On my back was a mini backpack, which had all my training attire inside. It was Sunday afternoon, and I had to make my way to the training rooms. I was so engrossed in my thoughts about the new dish I had been experimenting with that I didn't even notice someone was closely approaching me until almost too late.

I take a deep breath to steady myself as Mr. Nanami's scent fills my nose. Evergreen and lemons. He always smells like that. "Mr. Nanami," I say, trying to keep my voice even.

He seems taken aback that I recognized him. "You knew it was me?"

I nod, even though I know he can't see it. "Your scent is very distinct," I explain. "Plus, I remember your voice from our fight."

There's a moment of silence before he speaks again. "I see," he says, still sounding surprised. "I apologize for startling you."

"It's okay," I say, shrugging it off. "I was lost in thought, so it's not your fault."

I hear him take a step closer to me. "What were you thinking about?" he asks, his voice low.

I hesitate for a moment before answering. "A new dish I've been experimenting with," I say. "I'm thinking about adding it to the menu at my restaurant."

There's a pause before he speaks again. "What kind of dish is it?"

I grin, excited to talk about my cooking. "It's a fusion dish," I explain. "A mix of Japanese and Jamaican flavors. Jerk chicken with a miso glaze."

He lets out a small awkward chuckle. "That sounds interesting."

Is he nervous?

"Did you need me for something?" I ask curiously, as I bend down and unleash Yukio. She goes to her usual spot by the window.

"I owe you an apology," he says suddenly. "I underestimated you as a fighter and let my pride get in the way. I've been avoiding you for the past six months because I was ashamed and embarrassed."

I am taken aback by his words. I never thought he would apologize to me. "No, Mr. Nanami, it's me who should apologize. I went too far in our sparring session, and I'm sorry."

He chuckles, "We're both apologizing to each other, it seems. Let's just call it even and move on, shall we?"

I nod, feeling relieved, "I'd like that," I say smiling

"Great," he says, "Well, while I'm here would you mind training with me today?"

"Yes!" I say maybe a little more excited than I should have. I calm down and smoothly say "Uh yea. Just let me change into proper clothes real quick."

He clears his throat, "Of course" he responds

I quickly gather my things and head to the women's locker room slipping into my athletic attire, feeling the smooth fabric against my skin. The outfit is lightweight and easy to move in, perfect for my training sessions. I slip on a pair of sneakers and throw my hair into one giant braid.

When I return to the training area, Nanami is already there, warming up with a few stretches. I take a deep breath and walk over to him, ready to get started. We ease into my training routine practicing our punches and kicks, working on our endurance, and building our core. I take a step back and observe Nanami's form, listening to his movements.

As I stand behind Mr. Nanami, I can feel the tension in his body when he throws his punches. I can sense that his form is wrong, and I can't help but want to step in and help him.

"Stop" I semi command, "Your form is wrong," I say stepping towards him. "Is it okay if I help position you?" I ask gesturing my hands

"Sure" He responds

As I reach out to fix his form, my hand brushes against his arm, and I feel a jolt of electricity shoot through my body. I move him into position, adjusting his stance and correcting his form. As I do, I can feel his body tense up at first, but then he relaxes under my touch.

There's an unspoken tension between us, and I can't help but feel a rush of emotions. I'm not sure if it's the intimacy of the moment or if there's something more between us. But I push those thoughts aside and focus on helping him.

After a few more adjustments, I step back and let him continue the routine. Eventually, we wrap up our training session, and Nanami and I move into a cool-down workout to relax our muscles. As we were stretching, he asked me for some feedback on his performance.

I take a deep breath and think for a second before I replied, "Mr. Nanami, your punches are powerful, but your form is off. You need to relax more, be more fluid." I pause for a moment before continuing, "You're a tense fighter," I replied. "That's great when you're on the defensive, but you need to be more adaptable. You have to be able to make fast, small, delicate movements; adapt to your opponent's movements, not just overpower them. I hope you don't mind me saying this but I think you could benefit from some more regular training sessions," I said, tentatively.

"I agree, Ari. I can see that I have a lot to learn from you. Your combat skills are impressive, it's almost inspiring." he says

I couldn't help but smiles and blush at that little statement, I turn my head away before responding, "Thank you, Mr. Nanami"

We exchanged a few more pleasantries before parting ways

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After Nanami left, I spent another hour training with my karambit blades. The sound of metal clashing against metal was music to my ears as I worked on my techniques. However, my concentration was interrupted when I heard a commotion somewhere in the school. It was distant, but it was enough to catch my attention. Weapons in hand I make my way to the commotion with Yukio close behind me.

As the sound of chaos and destruction filled the air, I could sense that something was terribly wrong. Suddenly, I heard screams and the sound of glass shattering. I rushed to the source of the noise, with my blades up in a defensive position. As I arrived, I hear two people in the heat of a vicious fight. From the sound and smell of it, it was Nanami and.

Yuji?

But he sounds different and he smells different.

Could this be the cursed spirit that lives inside him? Sukuna....

Nanami was trying to contain Yuji as best as he could but was eventually kicked into a wall completely stunned. I knew I had to act fast to save him," Yukio Stay' I command before approaching. With a burst of adrenaline, I charged forward and slashed at Sukuna with my karambit knives. The sound of metal clashing against bone filled the air as I fought to keep him away from Nanami.

Despite my blindness, I could feel the tension and power of Sukuna's attacks. But I also knew that I had to protect Nanami at all costs. I could hear him groaning in pain, and I knew that I had to do everything in my power to keep him alive.

For the first few moments, I felt like I was holding my own. I was able to dodge Sukuna's attacks and land a few strikes of my own. But soon enough, I realized that it was a lost cause. Sukuna was simply too powerful.

Despite my best efforts, I found myself getting worn down. He was relentless, and I couldn't keep up. My movements became sluggish, and my attacks lacked their usual precision. It was as if all my training and experience had been for nothing.

Sukuna's attacks were powerful and relentless, and I could feel my strength fading fast. I knew I needed to do something, anything, to protect Nanami. So, I made a quick decision and used my body as a shield while yelling at Yukio, "YUKIO GET HELP! AGHk-" Sukuna's cursed energy hit me hard, and I felt the searing pain of his attack, but I held on tight, refusing to let go. I can hear Yukio running out barking for help as Sukuna continues to attack me several times back to back.

Hopefully, I can buy him some time.

Sukuna surprisingly stops and takes a step back, "I admire your tenacity, little warrior," Sukuna chuckles, feeling the power struggle within Yuji's body. "You fought with such ferocity, even to protect someone who you barely know"

"Fuck off!" I hiss

"Ha! I like your spirit, girl," Sukuna says, amused. "You fought like a true warrior, and I was honored to spar with you."

Breathless and defeated, I lay on the ground, waiting for Sukuna to strike me down. But to my surprise, he stopped and spoke.

"You're quite skilled, for a human. But despite your amazing skill you fight at a disadvantage, you have the potential to be so much more." I hear him grunt in irritation, "Damn brat. I don't have much time doll, I can feel the brat fighting back for control, so before I go I'd like to leave you with a parting gift."

"Keep your fucking gif-" I say before getting snatched up by my hair. I scream out in pain as he forcefully holds my head back. I then hear him bite his hand and hold it over my face. He began to drip blood onto my face and into my mouth. He held me so tight that I couldn't fight back. He then practically throws me down to the ground, I couldn't react in time so I hit the concrete hard. I try to raise my body and stand but stumble back down to my knees as I start to feel an intense rush of euphoria coursing through my veins. It's a feeling I've never experienced before, and for a moment, I'm lost in its intoxicating embrace.

But just as quickly as the feeling comes, it's gone, replaced by a searing pain in my eyes. It's like someone is squeezing them in a vice, and I can feel a burning sensation spreading through my head.

I try to rub my eyes to ease the pain, but it only seems to make it worse; fortunately, the pain finally subsides after a few minutes. I blink several times in disbelief. Colors and shapes begin to form before my eyes, and I realize that I can see. At first, everything was just a blur of colors and shapes. I couldn't make out anything clearly, but I could see light for the first time in years. It was overwhelming and painful, like needles poking into my eyes. I squinted and rubbed them, trying to adjust to the sudden influx of visual information. As my eyes gradually adapted, the shapes and colors began to coalesce into recognizable forms

I looked down at my hands and saw them in a whole new light. I had gotten used to not being able to see them, but now they were right in front of me, and I could see every detail. The lines on my palms, the curve of my fingers, the scars and calluses from years of training. It was overwhelming.

"What did you do," I asked with tears welling up in my eyes starting to freak out from this sudden miracle.

Can you call it a miracle?

Sukuna smirks. "Until we meet again, little warrior" With that, Sukuna's control over Yuji weakens, and he disappears, leaving Yuji in control again.

The Vibe:

YKWIM?-Yot Club

I couldn't believe it, I had my sight back after 10 years. But it was too much for me to handle all at once. The light was blinding and everything was too vivid. My senses were heightened to an almost unbearable level. I could smell every single scent in the air, hear every single sound around me, and feel every single texture on my skin. I was completely overwhelmed and overstimulated.

The taste of blood was still in my mouth and it was even stronger now, like it was amplified along with my other senses. I was hyper-aware of every drop of blood on my skin and Mr. Nanami's as well. I couldn't even stand the sound of my breathing. It was all too much.

Feeling like I was about to lose control, I closed my eyes and covered my ears with my hands. It helped a little, but I could still feel the overwhelming sensations. I needed to take a moment to collect myself before I could face what was happening.

Yuji approached slowly, his voice shaking as he spoke. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone," he said, his eyes filled with tears. "I couldn't control myself. Sukuna took over."

I could hear the fear and remorse in his voice, but I couldn't bear to look at him, "Please stay back, Yuji," I said, my voice shaky. "Please, just stay back." I tried to stand up, but my legs felt weak and shaky, and I stumbled.

Nanami grabbed my arm, using his other hand to support himself as we leaned on each other. "We need to get out of here," he said, his voice strained. "Yuji, help us." Nanami placed his hand gently on my shoulder, trying to calm me down. "Ari, it's okay. Sukuna is gone now. Yuji is back in control," he said soothingly.

I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes, feeling a little more in control of my senses. I could see Nanami's worried expression and Yuji's somber one. I looked down at my hands and saw them shaking, covered in my own blood and Sukuna's.

"I... I can see," I said, still in disbelief. "It's been so long." Suddenly I hear barking and someone running. I look and see Yukio and Shoko.

Shoko rushes over to us and immediately starts checking on Nanami's injuries, quickly working to stop his bleeding and stabilize him. She then turns her attention to me, I'm still visibly shaken and overstimulated from the sudden return of her sight.

Shoko starts talking to me in a soft, soothing tone, trying to calm me down and assess my condition. She asks me questions about how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing, and I try my best to answer her, though my mind is still reeling from everything that's happened.

After a few moments, Shoko administers a sedative to help me calm down and rest. As the medication starts to take effect, my senses begin to dull, and the overwhelming sensations start to fade away.

I feel a sense of relief wash over me as I start to relax, knowing that Shoko is here to take care of us and that we're in good hands. After I've calmed a bit I stand and pick up Yukio; as I hold my dog in my arms, tears streaming down my face. Yukio nuzzles into my chest, and I can feel her little heart beating against mine. For a moment, I forget about the chaos that just happened and the pain in my body. It's just me and Yukio, reunited after all this time.

I bury my face in her fur, taking in her scent and feeling her warmth against me. It's a small moment of peace amid all the chaos. And for that, I'm grateful.

Shoko and Yuji look at me with concern, but they don't say anything. They know I need this moment with my dog. After a few minutes, I finally pull away from Yukio and wipe my tears, "Where are the others?" I ask

"Come I'll take you to them," Shoko says

Yuji helps Nanami up and we all walk to regroup with everyone else. We make it to the infirmary where the others were, fortunately, it was only a few of us; Nanami, Yuji, Shoko, Panda, Inumaki, Nobara, Megumi, Ijichi, and myself. No one is dead, just a lot of injuries. Everyone checks in with each other nursing each other's wounds. I stay with Nanami as Shoko attends to Nanami's wounds; she wraps up with him and moves to the next person.

As I look at Nanami, tears begin to stream down my face. "Is everyone going to be okay?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

Nanami looks at me with a reassuring smile. "Yes, we'll all be fine. We'll recover quickly don't worry" he says.

"Okay," I say beginning to feel nauseous because of the strong scent of blood

Nanami puts a hand on my shoulder. "Ari, are you okay?" he asks, concern etched on his face.

I shake my head, my eyes still brimming with tears. "No, not really. This was extremely triggering for me. The smell of blood is making me sick and I'm feeling pretty overstimulated and a bit manic. I need to go home." I confess.

"I don't think you should be alone right now. I'm worried about you." Nanami responds, "What can I do to help?"

"Can-Can you help me get home?" I ask weakly

"Of course" He raises out of his seat and grunts a little from the pain before standing, "Come" He puts his jacket over me and Yukio while wrapping an arm around me to help me walk, I sense he needed the help too, "I'm taking Ari home," he said with a tone that said don't ask questions. Everyone looked concerned but nodded in agreement.

Nanami leads me to his car and opens the door to the passenger side and help me in my seat; he even went as far as to buckle me in. He then climbed in next to me and closed the door, grunting slightly, and began to pull out of the parking lot of the school. The drive was about 20 min, It's almost overwhelming to see everything in such detail after being blind for so long. As we drive down the road, I can see people walking on the sidewalk, cars passing us by, and buildings towering up to the sky. We arrive outside my home and although the rides calmed me down a bit I couldn't shake off the feeling of dread that I had been carrying with me since my encounter with Sukuna. I didn't want to be alone right now, not after everything that had happened. So, I turned to Mr. Nanami and simply say, "Stay with me? Just for the night? I don't know why but I don't feel safe."

At first, he hesitates to answer but finally just nods yes in response, bringing me a sense of relief.

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What should Ari do now that she has her sight back? I think it's time for her to have some fun!

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the0ldmann · 1 year

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"Welcome home Sunshine," a chipper voice greeted them from the kitchen. Work had gone by surprisingly fast and now that they were back in their cozy little apartment they couldn't wait to spend the rest of the evening with their ever-sunny partner.

They'd never been much a fan of Valentine's day. Corporate guilt tripping to sell as much candy and flowers as possible to the unsuspecting masses under the guise of 'showing your loved ones you cared' never quite sat right with them- even as a child. But when their blue-haired sweet-as-pie lover insisted on the two of them doing something after work, how could they possibly refuse?

As they hung their coat and bag on a hook by the door, they noticed the light seemed a little dimmer than normal. Looking to the man of the hour, they saw why quickly.

He was standing by the small kitchen table, lit up by candles placed in the center. Dinner was plated beautifully and both seats were pulled out and waiting to be taken. The pride in his smile made one spread across theirs.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Jack!" They gave him a quick kiss on his cheek before they sat down, and he snuck in a quick forehead kiss before taking his.

"Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Sunspot. I hope this was a pleasant surprise to come home to."

"Oh absolutely, it smells so wonderful! What all did you make, if you don't mind my asking? Hearing you talk does help me unwind." As they took the first bite he launched into an explination about the cooking process.

His words were barely accurate for describing just how good the food was that lay before them. Love certainly was a secret ingredient that made everything better. The roasted sweet potatoes were were crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside, and lightly coated with a simple yet delectible brown sugar and butter glaze. Nestled next to the sweet potatoes was a little bush of broccoli florets that had been sautéed with a little bit of garlic, and onion, along with a handful of aromatic italian seasonings that tickled one's sense of smell. Beside the broccoli was the main star of the plate- golden juicy grilled chicken that had been marinating for just a couple hours in a blend of olive oil, lemon juice, lemon zest, garlic, rosemary, thyme, salt and pepper. Of course this was served with their favourite chardonnay that they'd forgotten about in their cupboards, and their plates and glasses did not last long. Dessert was a slice of homemade mint chocolate chip cheesecake with a chocolate graham cracker crust that had been prepared so carefully it almost felt shameful to ruin its smooth surface with a fork.

Every bite of the meal was heaven sent, and they couldn't help but feel a little sad once they were done with their food. That was quickly replaced with confusion and excitement as Jack insisted they leave the dishes for the morning, picking up the candle holder and leading them further into the apartment.

When they reached the bedroom and Jack set the candles back down, they were greeted with a boquet he'd quickly whisked up as he turned around. The bed was set up a little differently too.

"Sunshine, I hope this isn't too presumptious, but you've been looking awfully tense after work." He shrugged off his own jacket and then began to help them undress. "How about you let me treat you to a little... full body massage? I've been putting my time at home to good use, and I can't wait to help you relax a little more..."

They weren't sure if there was really going to be that much relaxation happening, but they weren't about to argue.

#sunny day jack #minors dni #sdj #something's wrong with sunny day jack #swwsdj #thanks go to my roommate chef who helped me decide wtf to marinate this fictional chicken with #yes this was an excuse to try describing food #also i didnt know what to really put for a Valentine's special blurb so this is it. here we go. hope you're all hungry cause i sure am...#ageless blogs dni

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rubykgrant · 4 months

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I'm no longer feeling waves of panic from my depression, but the guilt, shame, and regret are still there. Now it just feels like a heavy, dead-weight inside my chest. I also feel so terrible for making people worry about me. I don't want to cause anybody to feel anxious, and I definitely don't want to just cry for attention. It doesn't feel fair, to be comforted when I don't deserve it. It also isn't fair for people to "forgive" me, or encourage me to try and forgive myself. I've been a person who was hurtful, selfish, and a liar. It doesn't matter how sad I am now, or how many words I use to describe that sadness. Even a well-worded apology doesn't equal forgiveness. There are so many people I can't actually apologize to. Even if I could, how much distress would it cause, to just randomly say- "About seven or eight years ago, I was disrespectful, and now I'm finally sorry". People deserved to be respected ALL the time.

I didn't physically harm anybody, and this isn't about some form mistreatment that was motivated by bigotry, but I can't just keep telling myself "Well, at least I'm not THAT bad". It just feels like more lying to myself, or making an excuse. I may not have been "abusive", but I abused a sense of trust, in other people and myself. I lied to myself because I hated my life, and pretended I was special, but that just took away from any chance I had of actually being happy. Even though I finally looked at myself and saw my own bad behavior for what it was, and decided to stop, it was after years of being a bad person. No, not a bad person every day, not a bad person constantly, but still too much. I could also finally recognize other problems in my life, and saw how I had several years where I was hurting so much, it was like I emotionally stagnated. That still doesn't give me a pass to hurt other people. I know how bad it can be, to feel wronged in some way, to have things taken from you or have your feelings disregarded, and how that hurt can stay with you for years. How dare I do that to anybody else? Even with my own hindsight, I can't understand why I didn't care enough about other people. It feels so different from how I knew I once thought, and how I think now, but I can't make the excuse of "I was like a different person" and "I'm a better person now" either.

It is impossible for me to un-do or fix everything that has happened. It doesn't feel like I deserve to just move on and be happy. If I truly feel sorry, if I want to take responsibility for my actions, I should be punished somehow. Interacting with people, doing anything that makes them happy, feels like I'm "bribing" people into liking me, or tricking them into thinking I've become a decent person. It feels false, like lying for attention. If it were different, if people didn't know me now, if they had been hurt by me before, they would rightfully hate me. I shouldn't take up space or sympathy like that. So many other people deserve attention more than me. I've been selfish and yet also self-destructive before, and I want to stop thinking that way, but it all just keeps coming back to the guilt and shame. A liar shouldn't be trusted. How can I justify taking "more", when I was so selfish? I ruined my own life, and trying to make anything new from it seems unreasonable. How dare I be happy or feel "proud" of myself?

No matter how many times I was hurt, that's no excuse for bad behavior. Even though it started when I was a stupid kid, it went on as I grew up, from teenager to adult. Bad mistakes and bad habits turn into bad decisions and just bad behavior. I should have known how to treat people better. I don't want to just isolate and remove myself from everything, but I don't know how to reconcile who I've been with who I want to be. It even still feels selfish to focus on my own feelings at all. I wish I had been a decent enough person, somebody who wasn't even capable of being so hurtful and uncaring. I wish I could do more to put out goodness for others and actually help. I wish I could tell all the people who have shown me kindness and compassion how much I appreciate it, and I wish I was the kind of person who deserves it. I wish I really could find the motivation to move forward and be a better person, but it just doesn't feel deserved. There is still so much regret, so much shame and guilt. Crying about how sorry I am doesn't erase who I used to be. Any positive attention I get, it still feels like I'm tricking people. Being nice and trying to do good things doesn't erase any bad choices, and I don't want that anyway. I don't want to ignore any of this. I ignored part of my life that hurt when I was younger, and then I ignored how I was hurting other people as I grew up, and it just made things worse. I wish I could make things better, but it feels like that isn't possible

#depression #anxiety

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autisticlenaluthor · 1 year

Note

To your point about Ibuprofen, I could so see Lena being raised with the understanding that her period wasn’t something she should take time off of work or school for, especially from Lillian, so that’s what she thinks. And Kara (and maybe Alex) are the ones who change that for her. Or work on changing it.

this has literally been sitting in my inbox for months im so sorry I never responded !!

I completely agree, lena would've always been shamed for asking to miss school or galas, events, etc. growing up if it were because she was having cramps (and just in general). Lillian always told her to suck it up, that everyone has cramps, she just needs to learn to deal with it. so lena goes through life believing that her period is supposed to be That Painful

normally, lena's cramps are like a 8/10 on a good day.it takes her hours to fall asleep, she can hardly focus, and no matter how she sits, stands, or lies down, she's in constant pain. moving to find new positions only makes it worse. but even so, she hardly ever misses work due to her period.

she'd only ever call out if she physically couldn't work and even then, she'd try to push through until she's literally dry heaving on the floor of her offices bathroom.

that's how kara finds out.

she's supposed to be meeting lena at L Corp for lunch but when she gets there, Lena isn't in her office. kara wanders aimlessly for a second, before noticing the bathroom door is open. that's where she finds lena, sweating and shaking, clutching her stomach, and trying not to throw up.

of course, kara thinks she's dying. because this is Lena, she never gets sick. and when she is sick, nobody knows it. kara's pretty sure lena could get shot, pull the bullet out with two fingers, patch the hole up with a bandaid, and still make her 11am meeting if that was what it came to. so naturally, she starts freaking out. asking if lena's okay and telling her she'll take her to the emergency room.

but lena shakes her head and forces a pained smile and says "kara, I'm fine, it's just my period."

and kara, does not take that. because HOW is this fine? lena looks like what she imagines death would if it took a human form. so she sits on the floor beside her and asks if she's taken anything for the pain and lena pauses, looking confused and says no.

kara tells her she should but lena just can't. even though it feels like her stomach is turning itself inside out and like her uterus has blown up three times it's normal size. even though she's shivering and sweating at the same time and her hands haven't stopped trembling in hours. she's supposed to be able to suck it up. because everyone feels like this. almost all women get their periods and they all manage to keep living their lives, so lena should be able to too.

all kara can do is convince lena to come home early. mostly because lena's too exhausted and too nauseous to protest.

but even once they're back in Lena's apartment, she refuses to take anything. because she doesn't need it. she can't need it.

---

because lena has exceptional luck, her period sticks around for seven more days. each one as painful as the first. she stays home with kara and after day 3, works remotely as much as she can (her first time ever taking off for more than a few days. her first time taking off because of her period).

she stays in her pajamas all day and lets kara pamper her with stuffed animals, chocolate, ice cream, heating pads and when the heating pad dies, a hot water bottle. lena can't even describe the guilt she feels whenever kara offers to grab her a snack or refill her water for her. she's convinced she's taking advantage of her -- she's being horrible and needy and so weak.

because sure she's in pain but what does it matter? this pain is normal. so she needs to stop whining, get it together, and act like a god damn adult.

she apologizes constantly. every time she lets out a whimper or moan because her legs have started tingling or her head throbbing, she mumbles a small 'sorry' for the disturbance.

but kara is never bothered. she doesn't call lena dramatic or tell her she's over reacting. she just goes with it.

and of course, continues to recommend lena take something for the pain.

"if you broke your leg you'd take Advil," she says one night. they're sitting on the couch together, under a shared blanket pile, while the TV runs old sitcoms. "Why is this different?"

lena purses her lips and frowns, knowing if she broke her leg she probably wouldn't take an Advil, but that that isn't the point.

"because it just is," she says instead. "I'm supposed to be able to handle this. it isn't that bad."

"Says who?"

lena shrugs.

"Lillian."

kara sighs and makes a face but agrees to drop it, at least for now.

---

on day four, things are especially bad.

lena woke up at 4am with full body shivers, practically drenched in sweat. she stayed, bent over the toilet bowl, vomiting out everything she'd eaten in the past week until six, when kara found her asleep, curled up on the bathroom floor.

when lena woke up again, a folded towel had been slipped under her head and a blanket covered her body. kara is sitting over by the door, gently stroking her palm.

Lena makes a small noise to let her know she's awake, too tired to actually sit up, and smiles when kara looked over at her. she hesitates for a second. the concern in kara's eyes is so evident and for once, lena can't try brushing it off. she can't gaslight herself into thinking this is just how it is, because never before in her life, has she ended up unconscious from cramps.

so she musters up the courage to swallow her pride and quietly say "maybe it would help. if I took something."

kara is so shocked, she almost doesn't respond.

"are you sure?" she asks. "I don't want you to feel pressured. or make you take something you don't want to take."

"no, you're good," lena tells her. "but I think... maybe I need to start taking your advice."

#lena luthor #this is so poorly done I didn't proof read im sorry lmao #I feel like I didn't follow the prompt at all either

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myrthics-404 · 7 months

Note

I do get where you are coming from. Plus, I can understand why someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder must feel a bit victimized themselves- if everyone is always saying how much they hate narcissists!

BUT- from personal experience- I feel sure I grew up with a narcissist. Of course- I don't have an official diagnosis- I never will have. Still- it was mainly their behaviour that caused me to have suicidal ideation in the first place. My life felt like hell at that point.

It was literally maybe a decade later I happened to be watching a YouTube channel that discussed narcissism and ALL of their bizarrre behaviours were described there. I can't tell you what a relief it was to finally have some sort of validation in a way I suppose. The knowledge that some people have these (peculiar) patterns of behaviour. I'd argue that narcissistic abuse IS real. It has common factors- love bombing, triangulation, projection, playing the victim, smear campaign, revenge seeking, guilt tripping. I think it's important to pick up on those things so you can identify one early.

I agree- we probably do tend to throw the phrase around too readily. I'm also sure that some people suffering from it are self aware enough to not abuse people. BUT- I'd say- a lot of people calling someone out for being a narcissist likely HAS been abused by them. Maybe they have got the diagnosis wrong. Maybe I have. But- I wish I'd suspected at the time! I think it's important to realise you might be in the midst of a narcissist- so you can take actions to protect yourself- run away preferably.

Sorry but it's actually quite hard for people who have had experience with suspected narcissists to see them as anything other than very dangerous, destructive people. Which I suppose is why we ought to be sure before we start throwing the term around. I think refraining from defamation is wise in fact but- I think it's actually sensible to try and annalyse what you might be dealing with privately. For self preservation! Plenty of people's lives are ruined by these sorts of people. Plus- this forum is annonymous. People aren't exactly naming and shaming on social media here. I actually think it's pretty unwise to 'un-mask' a narcissist anyway.

The difference with the disorders of ASPD, psychopathy and NPD versus the 150-something other disorders in the DSM is that they function completely differently because they are PERSONALITY disorders and not regular disorders.

Personality disorders cause dysfunction with opinions, feelings, observations, empathy, perceptions and relationships. The way they see every event, instance, and conversation is coming from a distorted perception. They can be aware of this distorted perception but one of the main symptoms of these disorders is a lack of self-awareness which is very common with personality disorders. Self-awareness is also a spectrum, not black and white as many people get wrong. They're not just "different" with their opinions and perceptions (everybody has different feelings and opinions) but they're maladaptive and unhealthy.

ASPD and NPD major/common symptoms from research (not just taking from the DSM I've been researching them for a decade now): revenge-prone (often from distorted perceptions but can certainly be from a non-distorted perception), entitlement issues, lack of empathy toward others, manipulation, deception, exploitation/supply-seeking, victim-complex and can't see fault in ones own behaviors chronically so- meaning they see themselves as perfect and don't take accountability for any little mistakes or wrongs, love-bombing then devaluing cycles which causes Stockholm syndrome, projection, possessiveness in relationships, extreme jealousy and envy issues in relationships or with peers, poor and abusive relationships.

While something like ADHD has issues with attention, focus staying on one task that isn't scary or bad, just distressing for the disordered individual. Anxiety disorders have symptoms like overthinking, feeling jittery or on edge, feeling distressed about the future, etc. Other disorders have issues with normal things that only distress the individual suffering from said disorder, they're not dangerous.

However, people with ASPD and NPD have symptoms that make them dangerous to themselves AND others, causing distress to both themselves AND others.

Yes, people with ASPD and NPD are certainly distressed as well from the consequences of their actions and lack of ability to love another person, thus making relationships unfulfilling. But they bring distress to people around them as well.

ASPD, psychopathy and narcissists are vindictive as a PERSONALITY trait and if you do your research properly - revenge as a maladaptive personality trait is a hallmark of ASPD and psychopathy, not just a one time thing like a 17 year old girl getting revenge with her best friend on her cheating partner (teenagers are impulsive and dumb they'd be more prone to this behavior than adults). But with personality disorders it is a pattern of behavior. And their revenge-seeking is an epidemic in the world of psychological abuse survivors because that's often what psychological abuse survivors complain of is the cluster-b persons vindictive behavior towards them for unrighteous reasons. And part of that maladaptive trait is along with the lack of emotional (sometimes cognitive) empathy they don't have that line in the sand they won't cross, meaning they don't have limits on how far they're willing to hurt people making them inherently wrong for their behaviors.

We our dad and older sister might have NPD, due to their narcissistic behaviours that they can't control. We have been abused by them both since a young age, so we get where you're coming from! Because of the abuse we endured, we tend to be manipulative ourselves. Because of this tendency, we go to therapy.

We believe that those who are abusive to others should be called out on their shit, but those who aren't (or were in the past but go to therapy for the behaviors) shouldn't be because they did nothing wrong/know they did it and are seeking help for it.

Every living being is valid, unless proven otherwise. The ones to be proven otherwise are the ones that purposefully hurt others for their own gain.

#streber answers #check dni before interacting #post by parable #thank you for the ask anon #it was very informative!!#we support everyone around us unless they're; a: an asshole or b: support things we don't support #we hope you have a good day anon!!

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the-court-of-dreams · 2 years

Text

HOSAB SPOILER

Quotes that KILLED ME in Hosab a summary:

"The frigid water hit Sofie like a bomb blast, and then the lead at her feet grabbed all that she was and might have been, and pulled her under"

First of all....fuck you

"I was hoping to find a way to spend my life with her."

Second of all...FUCK YOU

My stupid ass: I won't have my heart torn to pieces by Bryce and Danika's friendship in this book.

Sarah:

"The sorceress said a shade gently, “You won’t find any traces of Danika left in the Bone Quarter, you know.”"

Me:🤡

"“And yet your father is allowed to stay in power?”

“Yeah. Aren’t all of these assholes allowed to stay in power? Who’s going to stop them?”

“Us. People like us. One day.”

Lidia Cervos everybody, the MVP, the Dreamer born in a Court (Or perhaps house is more appropriate) of fucking Nightmares.

“You’re the first person I’ve spoken to normally in … a very long time.”

“How long?”

“So long that I think I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be myself. I think I’ve lost my true self entirely. To destroy monsters, we become monsters. Isn’t that what they say?”

And thus I pledge my undying love to this fucking ship that wrecked me.

“They’re not worth my anger. I have to keep remembering that.”

Life lessons from Juniper everybody. You tell them girl, you tell them.

It might have been the worst lie she’d ever told, because as Ithan left, he looked like he actually believed her.

What number if this? Oh yeah...seventh of all FUCK YOUUU

“I’m sorry if I gave you false hope.”

“It kept her alive in my heart a little longer.”

When I tell you I fucking died....I. FUCKING. DIED. I was fucking sobbing. Thanks Sarah! THANKS GIRL. Once again making me care for the secondary ships and then destroy the shit out of them.

Ruhn drifted, quiet and calm. When was the last time anyone had told him a story to lull him to sleep?

This quote that just SCREAMS lost innocence. GODS.

Ps: Ruhn is my favourite fucking character, and I want the head of the bartard he has for a father on a fucking spike for all the shit my baby had to go through.

10.

Ithan’s mouth dried out. What would he even say to Connor? I love you would likely be the first. I miss you every minute of every damn day would be the second.

Somebody just give Ithan a fucking hug. His grief and guilt messed me the fuck up throughout the book. Also the accuracy of this quote just had me sobbing at 4 in the morning. FUCK.

11.

But a Fae Queen had loved a demon prince. And he had loved her enough to …

To lose a fucking war because of she died. AND THUS I STARTED CARING FOR AIDAS AND THEIA AS WELL. FUCK. ME.

And here comes the good stuff.....

12.

Baxian peeled back the collar of his battle-suit, revealing brown, muscled flesh. And a tattoo scrawled over the angel’s heart in familiar handwriting.

Through love, all is possible.

She knew that handwriting. “Why,” she asked carefully, voice shaking, “do you have Danika’s handwriting tattooed on you?”

Baxian’s dark eyes became pained. Empty. “Because Danika was my mate.”

I SCREAMED. I SOBBED. I THREW MY PHONE TO THE FUCKING WALL.

MY FUCKING SOUL WAS RIPPED TO FUCKING PIECES.

GODDDDS!

I actually feel like I manifested this ship, because I was like...HUH He's a shady motherfucker, he and Danika would be lit together...such a shame. AND THEN THIS FUCKING CHAPETR CAME AND I. FUCKING. DIED.

I can't even describe how much I ship this. The fact that its canon is the joy of my life and the fact that she is fucking dead is the bane of my existence.

13.

Baxian:

“I loved her. More than anything.”

Me:

OH GOD PLEASE NOOOO

14.

Danika’s mate still loved her.

SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP THIS TORTURE FOR FUCK'S SAKE

15.

“You return to me.”

“I return to you.” He spoke in a voice that was and wasn’t his own. Some small part of him screamed.

THARION BABY NOOOOOO

16.

“You fear him.” Something primal stirred in Ruhn.

“Yes. His wrath is terrible. I’ve seen what he does to enemies. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.”

“Can’t you leave him?”

She laughed, harsh and hollow. “No. My fate is bound to his.”

“Your fate is bound to mine.” The words echoed into the darkness.

AND THUS MY SHIP SAILED AND TOOK MY FUCKING HEART WITH IT

17.

“I’m going to find you,” he said against her burning hair. “I’ll find you one day, I promise.”

When I tell you this is my favourite ship in the series I fucking mean it.

18.

His love transformed her back into a witch, melting away all that she’d become. They dwelled in peace in the forest for the rest of their immortal lives.

The whole story ruined me, but the end....oooh the end left me sobbing.

19.

He was fairly certain his soul lay in splinters around them.

Mine too Ruhn baby...mine too.

20.

But … I know how it feels to wake up one day and wonder how you got so far from that carefree person you were.

This broke me because I can relate to my fucking core. I kinda think that all of us can actually. So yeah...cheers to that 🍻

21.

Tharion knew that tone. Knew that look. And it was then that he understood.

Cormac hadn’t just gone rogue. He’d never intended to get out of here alive.

Which makes the whole conversation with Ruhn ALL THE MORE HEARTBREAKING.

At least he is with Sofie now ....

22.

He dove deep, into the place where he’d always run to avoid his father’s ministrations.

SOMEBODY KILL THE FUCKING KING OF AUTUMN RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I MEAN IT.

23.

His ally was his enemy. His enemy was his lover.

And I will go down with thiiis ship...

24.

Lidia had so much blood on her hands that there would never be any washing it away.

I only had her for half a book but if anybody touches her I will riot.

25.

Ruhn looked at his sister and said softly, “You brought so much joy into my life, Bryce.”

And there goes what was left of my fucking heart.

26.

“I love you. I wish I’d said it more. But I love you, Quinlan, and …” His throat closed up, his eyes stinging. His lips brushed her brow. “Our love is stronger than time, greater than any distance. Our love spans across stars and worlds. I will find you again. I promise.”

DEAD. GONE. IN FUCKING PIECES.

AND THUS ALL MY DAMN SHIPS SUNK AND WENT TO FUCKING HEL. THANKS SARAH. SEE YOU IN A YEAR.

Bonus:

Accurate image of me after hosab:

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kpostedsum · 3 years

Text

high | d.m

summary: you find an unhealthy way of coping after draco cheats on you

warnings: drug use (marijuana) angsty¿, cheating, illusions to sex

song: habits - tove lo

a/n: this fic isn’t meant to romanticize drug use in any way. i also know nothing abt weed so LOL and very rushed & not edited

masterlist | taglist

I eat my dinner in my bathtub

Then I go to sexclubs

Watching freaky people gettin' it on

It doesn't make me nervous

If anything I'm restless

Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all

you had a few minutes left of your charms class which was your last class before the weekend. you wanted nothing more than to get out of here and cuddle up with your boyfriend— who was enjoying his free period right now.

draco was one of the best boyfriends you could ask for, the frequent dates, gifts, and attention— it was more than you could wish for.

“you’re excused. you essays are due at the beginning of next week” snapes monotone voice dragged on as you quickly packed up your things and made your way to the slytherin common room.

I get home, I got the munchies

Binge on all my Twinkies

Throw up in the tub

Then I go to sleep

And I drank up all my money

Days get kinda lonely

entering the slytherin common room your eyes immediately searched for a certain blond boy, yet he was nowhere to be found. you made your way to the boys dorms in hopes of finding him there but you’re quickly interrupted by two familiar voices.

“why hello y/n, marvellous weather we’re having today aren’t we?” theo asked looking towards the ceiling and smiling as if he were outside, blaise blocking your path as he did so.

“i’m not sure what weather you’re talking about since we’re inside but i am okay thank you” you responded with a chuckle, trying to make your way past blaise.

“wait y/n” he stopped you. “can i borrow the astronomy notes? i would ask luna but i can’t find her anywhere” blaise continued.

they both seemed awfully on edge and anxious, you figured it was just quidditch nerves getting to them since there was an upcoming game this week.

“i have yet to finish my astronomy notes, but i did see luna in the great hall if you want her notes. now if you’d excuse me i’d like to see draco” you said trying to push past the two boys who still wouldn’t let you through.

“forget malfoy! let’s do something instead, we’re so much more fun than him, right blaise?” theo said giving blaise a pointed look as he threw his arm around your shoulder.

“right you are nott, let’s go!” blaise continued also throwing his arm around your shoulder and leading you away from the boys dorm.

“what? no, i have plans with draco. now excuse me” you said pushing them both off and heading towards dracos door.

as you get closer to his door you can hear heavy breathing, pants and skin slapping on skin. you’re confused, you figured draco would be taking a nap or running over drills for quidditch practice. the closer you get, the louder the noises become.

“pans, you feel so good”

you recognize that voice anywhere.

You're gone and I gotta stay

High all the time

To keep you off my mind

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

High all the time

To keep you off my mind

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

quickly you turned your head towards blaise and theo who had their heads lowered in shame, refusing to meet your gaze. “is this some kind of sick joke, are you guys pulling a prank or something because this isn’t funny” you said seriously not wanting to believe what you’re hearing from inside of your boyfriends dorm.

“we’re sorry, we tried to convince him not too but he wouldn’t listen” theo muttered silently.

it felt like your world was breaking apart slowly. just not too long ago you were excited to spend a weekend with your boyfriend who you loved so dearly, the same boyfriend who you’ve been dating for years, the same boyfriend who gets jealous about how much time you spend with his mum rather than him.

with shaky fingers you put your hand on the door knob and quickly pushed the door open, already preparing for the worst.

there he was, wrapped up with parkinson in the same bed you two shared not even twenty-four hours ago. her body straddling his naked, just like yours was doing the night before. you stood there frozen, mouth agape— not even knowing what to do with yourself.

“baby, i can explain, just please— y/n please don’t leave” draco said pushing pansy off of him, shuffling on his pants and reaching out towards you.

“dont touch me, malfoy!” you yelled and everyone froze. “you lost the right to touch me the minute you even thought of touching her” you continued sending both him and pansy a glare with tears threatening to slip from your eyes.

“darling please, i can explain—”

“no draco, we’re done just leave me alone, please” your voice cracking at the end as you pushed past blaise and theo rushing towards the girls dormitory.

Spend my days locked in a haze

Trying to forget you babe

I fall back down

Gotta stay high all my life

To forget I'm missing you

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

it’s been days since you last left your room, days since you last saw draco. daphne would come by and check on you but you’d always dismiss her, wanting to be alone. regret is one word to describe how you’ve been feeling— you gave him everything and he threw it away so carelessly for a quick hook up.

you missed waking up against his smooth skin in his embrace, tracing the lines and scars across his porcelain skin as you waited for him to wake up, the way he’d try to kiss you in the morning without brushing his teeth and you wouldn’t let him because of morning breath— but he’d still do it anyways.

you missed him, but he didn’t want you anymore.

maybe it was something you’ve done, you’ve been quite busy with work recently so you haven’t been spending as much time with him as normal. he was probably lonely and trying to seek the attention you lacked to give him.

getting up, you stared at yourself in the mirror picking yourself apart. you were pretty, it was a well known fact around hogwarts, maybe he thought she was prettier. she was the life of the party and always up for some mischief whereas you preferred to do stuff in silence and would rather be with a small group of people. maybe he liked how exciting she was in comparison to you, she probably brought a spark of excitement to his life that you couldn’t.

dreading to feel something you quickly showered and got ready to leave your room hoping to run into a specific set of twins.

Pick up daddies at the playground

How I spend my daytime

Loosen up the frown,

Make them feel alive

I'll make it fast and greasy

I'm on my way to easy

“well what can we do for you today” fred said to you with a cheeky smile plastered across his face.

“do you have any muggle herb left?” you asked in a low voice making sure no one heard you.

“maybe we do, maybe we don’t” george said. “how much are you offering in exchange though” he continued.

“ten galleons for three ounces, is that enough” you said pulling the galleons out of your pockets and placing them in george’s palm.

“it was a pleasure doing business with you” they said in unison as fred placed the tiny baggie in your pocket so no one would see.

once you returned to your dormitory you quickly pulled out the pre-rolled muggle herb, lit it and let yourself forget.

You're gone and I gotta stay

High all the time

To keep you off my mind

Spend my days locked in a haze

Trying to forget you babe

I fall back down

Gotta stay high all my life

To forget I'm missing you

you started showing up to class late with red tired eyes, not caring about the looks you got. at this point every one knew what had happened but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

the muggle herb brought you a sense of bliss and freedom, a new feeling you haven’t felt before but something that you now craved.

“are you high right now?” draco said as he sat himself in the seat beside you.

“since when do you care about what i’m doing” you said sharply, not wanting to talk with him.

“love, you don’t smoke. who gave that stuff to you, i’ll kill them—”

“no you won’t.” you said turning towards him. “you won’t do any of that because you don’t own me and i’m not your girlfriend anymore. so mind your business malfoy, i’m sure parkinson’s waiting for you”

the rest of the class you both sat in silence working on potions that draco did most of since you weren’t in the correct mind state and he wasn’t willing to let his mark falter over your slip up.

you find it amazing how even when you’re on drugs he still looks amazing. the way his nose curves perfectly with a slight bump, and the way his hands move with caution as he pours the potion into the waste bucket.

“look, i’m sorry for what happened with pansy. it didn’t mean anything i swear, i don’t know why i did it but i regret it with my life” draco said breaking your thoughts, he looked older than normal and had dark circles underneath his under eyes. you wondered why he looked so distraught when he wasn’t the one who got cheated on.

“a sorry isn’t going to fix this draco” you told him. he knew you were right but he didn’t want to admit it. he hadn’t talked to pansy since the day you walked in on them, the guilt has been eating him up inside. he stayed silent and didn’t bother respond to you, he knew anything he said would have made the situation worst than it already is— but how he wished you were still his sweet y/n.

“now if you excuse me, i have some fun to attend too” you said leaving him alone as you made your way back to your dorm.

Staying in my play pretend

Where the fun, it got no end

Can't go home alone again

Need someone to numb the pain

You're gone and I gotta stay

High all the time

To keep you off my mind

over the last few weeks, you couldn’t remember the last time you were sober. you started skipping classes to smoke and avoiding your friends so they’d stop questioning your habits.

you were forgetting and that’s all that mattered, you didn’t care how it was affecting your health— it made you feel better. sometimes you wished there was another way, another way to forget how he held you at night pressing soft kisses to your skin, another way to forget the way he took pansy the same way he took you. you wonder if he feels as sorry as he looks, he’s the one who cheated so he can’t possibly care that much.

you hear two knocks at your door which quickly break you from your state making you more attentive, cleaning yourself up and opening the door. there stood draco— his eyes red as well, like hes been crying.

“y/n listen, i know what i did was wrong and that i tried to pretend it wasn’t me but please. i didn’t mean too, you mean the world to me. i miss you so much love.” he pleaded with you.

“y’know draco, i miss you too” you admitted. “but i’ve found a way to forget about you, maybe you should do the same”.

Gotta stay high all my life

To forget I'm missing you

taglist: @mauvea @teenwolfbitches28 @ilygw @nic0lodean @s1ater @henqtic @justreadingficsdontmindme @i-love-scott-mccall @harmqnia @gwlvr @alishahpotter

#draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy #draco malfoy fluff #draco malfoy smut #draco fuckingmalfoy #draco malfoy angst #harry potter #draco lucius malfoy

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lucy90712 · 3 years

Note

Firstly, congrats on 300, friend!

Secondly, I'd like to request for your event :]

I have a couple of requests, and obviously you don't have to do all of them, (or any at all!) but I thought it'd be nice to request as one :] (plus my little ideas for establishing the relationship and stuff)

IDEA ONE: 'general vocal insecurities', Wilbur Soot

Since first learning of the fact, one of your biggest insecurities has been centered around the knowledge that your voice sounds different to you while speaking than it does to other people, that insecurity spiraling into something even worse after you heard what your voice actually sounds like. After listening to that recording, all you can ever think of while talking is the obnoxious tone that you speak in--the all-too-awkward, sickly sweet pitch that makes you want to throw up from hearing it.

Needless to say, this extends to your singing voice, too. As a kid, you were always complimented for it, and thus liked it a lot. You liked how it sounded to you as if it were a deeper, smoother tone than the one all the other kids your age. Now, all grown up, it still sounds low in the moment, but you can never get the thought out of your mind that it sounds as high as your normal speaking tone, if only the slightest bit lowered in pitch. It's made you entirely reluctant to sing on your own, let alone in front of others.

Now you have Wilbur. All of his friends, too, but your focus is mostly on him. His singing voice sounds nearly identical to the way you want to hear yours in your head, only at a lower tone, and he is not afraid to show off that gift of a singing voice. Whether it be spontaneously bursting into song at the sound of you mentioning a word that the chorus contains, or singing passionately while you watch him and his band practice, he always seems to be so comfortable giving it somewhat close to his all around you. Until you tell him about how terribly insecure you are, he just thinks you don't like singing.

"How are you so... confident in your voice? Even when it comes to stupid things like squealing the words to Let It Go alongside Tommy, you always sound so perfect and you sing like you know it. I can't even speak without hating the tone, so how do you do it?"

IDEA TWO: 'personality-related imposter syndrome', Karl Jacobs

You've always been told what a nice person you are. How kind you are to everybody, how you apologise the second you unintentionally hurt someone. Hell, you even automatically offer distractions for upset people so they don't have to feel the shame of being vulnerable in front of others! Your neverending kindness is always the first thing mentioned when describing you. People adore you for your kind, occasionally soft nature.

Everybody believes you're the sweetest person ever--except for you. You understand that you're kind, you understand that everybody only sees the outside where you're being kind without a second thought, but you don't feel as if it's genuine. Even though you do these nice things out of the pure kindness of your heart, as if it was more an instinct than a conscious decision, you always feel like you're faking it. You feel as if you're secretly only doing it out of fear of people hating you otherwise, even though that sickening feeling of guilt that you get every time you see someone cry is definitely genuine. You're stuck in a state of questioning whether you are the real you, and not just some kind front that you've put up to avoid the hatred of others.

Karl, however, sees you without thinking that you're faking it. He doesn't ever wonder if you're helping that old lady out of fear of her judgement, but sees it as it is--the pure instinct to help. He's so confused about how you could ever see yourself as the liar that you say you are, especially when you always seem so certain in the idea that your kindness is a lie.

"You, Karl, you're nice out of nature. But I feel like I'm only ever being nice to avoid being hated, and it absolutely sucks! I feel like the embodiment of the words 'people pleaser', and I feel like it's so easy to see how my mind runs trying to figure out how to avoid being shunned!"

IDEA THREE: 'general physical (facial and body) insecurities + a bit of envy', Quackity (slightly chubby reader, in this case)

You take insults to heart, no matter how sugarcoated or playful they are. Good thing that you grew up with friends that were willing to insult you constantly under the guise of boyish, playful jokes. "hey, whale!", "your face is ugly as hell" and "if you weren't as fat, I think you'd be much better looking"; the basic examples of what they'd say. They brushed it off as jokes, and you did too, not realizing how deeply it affected you.

Your views on yourself fluctuate in between 'decent' and 'absolutely abhorrent', depending on the days, really. Sometimes you can stand to look in the mirror, but other times you feel the need to avoid seeing yourself for days. (If y/n is a streamer) Sometimes, you'll be streaming, notice yourself in the viewfinder, and immediately turn off webcam, leaving chat to be confused while you continue streaming.

Now there's Quackity. A pretty guy, you'd say. And all of his pretty friends. They're all wildly different, but they have one thing in common, and that is the one thing you feel you do not have. Beauty. He's heard you call him and his friends pretty thousands of times, but not once has he heard you say it when looking in the mirror. Even when he says it to you, it feels like it was directed toward someone else. You'll accept him complimenting your personality, but when he calls you 'pretty' you cannot help but to shake your head.

"How come you're so pretty and I'm just... Ehh? I feel like I don't deserve you, to be honest."

(p.s. she/her pronouns would be nice, but I'm completely fine with they/them pronouns too! :D)

Also, I hope you're having a lovely day/night!

Thank you, kind human!

I decided to do all 3 so sorry this took ages to post I didn’t want to spam them all in one day but here’s the link to all 3

wilbur

karl

quackity

#Lucymcyttalks

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border-spam · 4 years

Text

Leech Lord ficlet - What's mine is mine

The first time she’d tried to leech Troy they were 11, and she’d grabbed his hand to pull him down into the warm soil around a Nekrotree’s roots, laughing through gap teeth that it was time to share the warmth in her tummy from the glowpods he’d found for her.

It wasn't on purpose, it's not like she'd planned ahead or given it thought, it was just.. it just happened. The question of if she could whispered through her mind in a fraction of a second as their hands touched and she felt the cool pull of passing energy to her twin.

She'd paused, rolling it on her tongue for a moment as she watched him lean back against the rough bark, letting his eyes slide closed and those lines that already scoured his little face relax.

It wouldn't work, right?

It wouldn't. They shared, nothing would happen if she tried to take.. would it?

Ty had twisted her free fingers in the hem of her threadbare shirt, squinting at the markings that glowed across their joined hands with the gentle thrum of power she felt him pull through her core. It felt like exhaling with a heavy wind at your back, a subtle assistance that wasn't sinister in any way just... it was hungry. He was hungry, and a tiny pang of guilt tightened her chest as she watched their markings pulse slowly. Maybe she should have shared sooner, but Troy would never ask.

He was pretending he couldn't hear the sounds as they felt the bond seal, he always did that, it was stupid. He'd insist nothing was happening while she knew he heard the same thing, the wash of confusing background noise that would fill their heads with static when they joined like this. She turned to stare back at the entrance to the vault, thinking of Dad and his crackly old E-Com, the garbled audio that was almost language it would hiss out of a broken speaker. That's what the sound was like sometimes, or at least, the closest comparison she could think of in her isolated little world.

She swallowed hard, half her insisting she should forget the question that had just fluttered across her thoughts, half eagerly egging her on to find out. What would happen if she tried to take power from him? How would it feel? What would it look like?

Would it hurt? Would it be like that time Mom had told her not to get too close to the fire but she'd had to know for herself why? Would it burn as bad? The urge to do it felt the same as that time had, curiosity too strong to ignore despite the warnings surrounding it.

She knew that now she'd thought of the question once, she couldn't pretend otherwise, wouldn't be able to forget it had been asked. It would bounce around in her little head till she found out the answer, mom had always said Ty was going to be an adventurer one day, a great one just like dad. Leda had smiled and told her it was because wanting to know the answer to questions was the greatest reason to explore. That if she hadn't wanted to know the answers to her own questions, she'd never have her Starlight and Moonbright, never found this home and her family.

Tyreen would try then. Just for a second. Just once. Just like dabbing a battery against her tongue to feel the shock. Just like passing her hand through that flame, because she was an adventurer like mom had said, and she needed to know.

A slow, even breath out as she loosened her shoulders and settled back into her spine, then Tyreen focused, gathering the threads of wavering energy she could feel shimmer through her body and into his, and with just a twitch, the most subtle shift of the flow, pulled back.

Then nothing happened.

The lack of response was more jarring that anything she'd been prepared for. If it had burned, if Troy had yelped and pulled his hand away, if anything had responded, it would have been less disturbing. Nothing. The tug hadn't even registered, the same complete lack of response as if she'd yanked at a rope tied to Dad's old ship. No movement, no give. He hadn't even opened his eyes.

Ty sucked at her lower lip and shuffled her knees under her, glaring unblinking at where their thumbs crossed. Maybe she just.. maybe it needed to be harder. She never had to pull normally, she couldn't stop pulling normally. Maybe she just didn't know how to do it on purpose. She'd try again. Just a little harder. Just so she could be sure and not have to question it ever again.

She screwed her eyes shut, biting down with slowly increasing pressure on her lip as she focused on the whistle of his breathing, on the blistering heat of the power beginning to roil and churn inside her ribs, the tendrils of heat snaking inside her arm to taste and squirm against his cool skin, and she pulled.

She pulled, harder, harder, waiting to feel the give, there must be a give, everything else crumbled against this magic warmth when she didn't even try, there would be a give, of course there would be a give if she kept pulling and -

Nothing.

The taste of blood broke her concentration before the realisation she hadn't breathed in half a minute did, she gasped in a shaky breath and yanked her hand out of his, wild-eyed as she watched him fumble in confused fright and scrabble to his feet.

"Ty??"

Her ears were ringing, unsure what he was saying when he awkwardly dropped to his knees in front of her in a heap of gangly limbs and crookedness, and mouthed something while his hand gently squeezed her shoulder.

"..u ok Ty..n?"

It felt like she was drowning, breath wasn't filling her lungs right and his gaunt face swam in her vision, blurred and concerned as the dull roar in her head slowly cleared.

"Ty you're b-bleeding.."

She jolted back as his hand moved from her shoulder, and Troy froze, eyes dark with worry as he glanced down. Her gaze slowly following his to the blood dripping onto her thighs from the nosebleed she realised he'd been about to wipe, sticky and glinting black in the dim light.

Her ribs felt like glass, everything was empty inside, what did he do, what.. what...

"What happened..?" he whispered, looking back up through tears as hers began to spill past her lashes.

She swallowed again, running her tongue slowly over her swollen lip as gnawing doubt crept into the back of her throat, the first flicker of an emotion she'd never felt before settling in her tummy.

"I don't know, Troy."

She wished that wasn't the truth.

--------

The second time they were 18, wasting away on the dead planet they called home, watching their pathetic lives tick by slowly.

She'd been so damn tired, another night unable to sleep. The constant drone of singing Korax just too loud to manage to blank out. It got this bad every year during breeding season, and the nights always felt long. Typhon would snore through it, but the twins usually couldn't sleep properly till the month ended and would nap in the cool shade of tree boughs during the day instead. Shift their sleeping patterns around the creatures that made this place home and wait for the Korax to move on. They belonged here, after all. The twins didn't.

Ty had given up on resting through the chirping echose and had carefully padded out of the sleeping area, noting Troy's empty bedroll as she wrapped a thin blanket repurposed from panelling insulation around her shoulders. The night was cool and heavy, amplifying the animal's whistling calls through the clarity of the air. It smelled like damp soil and rotting wood on nights like this - lovely in a way she'd come to appreciate. That was the smell of life, of death and growth blooming and decaying all around them. Clean, like mom used to describe it. Ty had quietly shuffled across the smooth rock of the vault and towards the outer camp, filling deep lungfulls with that delicious air as she searched for her missing twin.

She found him cracking bones from the meal he'd eaten with dad earlier by the campfire, a spindly mess of jutting shapes and harsh shadows, picking desperately at marrow from where it hunched in front of the embers.

He quickly tossed the remnants with a panicked flick of his hand as he heard her approach, and she didn't need him to turn to know he was flushed in shame at being found like this. She could hear that clear enough in the shaky greeting he grumbled over his shoulder.

It took him a moment to answer, hair fluttering in the firelight as he shook his head tiredly, staring at the dust in front of him as she slowly lowered herself to the ground by his side.

"Hey... hungry again?"

A stupid question really, she knew he was. He always was, not in the exact same way as she felt it, but still ravenous. Hunger was something they both knew intimately.

"Yeah. Didn't really.. d-didn't really get much today, not after sharing with dad. It just ain't ever enough Ty, it's n-never enough..." he paused to lean into her a little.

"I try and like, I try and be fair, I can't give him less cause he needs to eat and he can't go hunting anymore but.." he trailed off worldlessly, warm light glinting reflections in the darks of his eyes.

She shifted the cloth around his shoulder too, pressing hers against his empty right as they rested their heads together side by side.

"Is it the, you know, our power thing?"

He nodded slowly, still staring at the fire.

"Yeah. Always is. And it's not like there's payoff, it doesn't do anything bar make me so hungry, Ty."

She waited quietly, something unsaid was on the air, and she could feel him tense against her as he mulled over the words on the tip of his tongue.

"...It's not even that, it just, it feels like I... feels like it should be doing something, you know? There's something inside me, it's not just the markings, there's Siren in me. I know there is, it's just under my skin. It's right there and I c-can't touch it or make it work. I don't know what it does or if it does anything bar... this. "

She took his outstretched hand and waited for it, that song strumming between their veins neither could fully hear. Trying to explain, trying to communicate but language broken and voice backwards - inside out. Nothing and everything crashing together in a wave of cosmic frustration both twins felt viscerally.

He pulled away, grimacing in disgust as he shook his hand slowly, trying to fan that grotesque sensation out of his fingertips.

"F-fucking hate when that happens, it's like feedback, a power surge or something. Feel like it's going to blow my skull out... man. Is that really all I've got? Eating your energy and.. and.. blowing fuses inside my brain when we touch? That's it Ty? God... I wish I could just give it back..."

He'd whispered the last part but she'd heard clear enough despite her teeth chattering through nerves still firing from the blast of sensation a moment ago. He wishes he could give it back...? If he was anyone else she'd have ripped him apart to drag it out of his entrails by now. The wave of anger that blossomed at that statement dulled slowly into the back of her mind as a possibility arose, a question she'd forgotten about for so long.

"Maybe" Tyreen whispered, turning to face his side.

"...maybe you can try giving it back."

He looked like he'd just been shot, eyes wide and mouth gaping in shock as he whipped to look at her.

"What? Will that work?"

She rubbed the tips of her fingers against her thumb, glancing to the fire in front of them, the memory of passing a tiny hand through flame.

"I don't know, Troy. But we could try."

He grabbed her hand before she could react, screwing his eyes shut as he pushed.

Something happened, she felt winded for just a second, something moved inside her chest and she gripped his hand tighter, grabbing his wrist with her right and squeezing as she focused and pulled.

The screeching wail filled both their minds like warning sirens, voices over voices in octaves that pitched madly, and the twins grimaced in pain as he opened everything inside him and she desperately tried to drag it outwards, but nothing happened.

Nothing.

He gasped out a pained breath as he pulled his hand away and started to cry, crackly voice-breaking whines that fell into desperate sobs as she wrapped her arms around him and shushed into the black of his hair.

"Its ok Troy, we'll be ok."

--------

The third time they were 26, and he had her pinned against the wall of her personal ship, monstrous prosthetic claws digging into the hull panel beside her head.

She scratched blindly at his forearm as it pressured against her chest, spitting venom at him as he roared in her face to stop LYING TO HIM ALL THE TIME.

That he knew what she'd been doing, the same thing she always did when she thought anyone else was threatening how much time he gave her. That his friends DID like him, they did, they weren't feigning caring about him, they weren't manipulating him to get something, they weren't.

That she was wrong, as she kicked against his shins and snarled up into the rage in his face, that she just didn't get it, because what the fuck would SHE know about KINDNESS???

Her fingernails bit into the muscle of his forearm as she leeched him, the thing inside her screaming at her mind to punish him, to show him who had the real power in their rivalry. To make him beg for forgiveness.

She pulled with such force, such intense fury, that his words were drowned out by the swell of blood in her ears... and nothing happened.

Nothing.

She hated him so intensely, hated what he'd taken from her, that she didn't stop the crushing effort of the pull against his immovable barrier till she felt a vessel in her eye burst, and he choked, stepping away from her in shock.

She panted against the wall, palms burning as he whispered in apology. As her twin stuttered that he was sorry, while blood from the nail punctures dribbled down his forearm. That it was an accident and he didn't know he was pushing against her that hard, that he hadn't meant to hurt her.. as he asked if she was ok.

She slapped him so hard that she heard a crunch.

--------

The fourth time they were 29, and he was renouncing her.

It was in desperation as she felt it flow into him so effortlessly that it was almost like it wanted to escape her soul, dragging ice from her fingertips through her spine as he leeched her power from the tomb of her core. A final, sad attempt to defy Troy, to pull back feebly against that wall of his inner self as she realised in panic that there was no one left to stop him.

That no devout was coming to help their Queen, all rallied under his banner now.

That no loyalty remained to the Vault Mother, and she'd been the architect of her own fall from grace. That Tyreen had destroyed the goddess she built from scratch... and as she began to lose consciousness, there was a flutter at the back of her mind that was so glad.

#borderlands #borderlands 3 #bl3 #tyreen calypso #troy calypso #calypso twins #leech lord #my writing #my hcs

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cassandras-blogg · 4 years

Text

"Swallowing Courage" (Danny Wagner x Sam Kiszka ) CHAPTER TWO - I PROMISE THIS CHAPTER GOT DELETED SO I'M JUST REPOSTING IT (: CHAPTER 3 coming soon. - A loud knock at the door was the first thing Danny heard when he woke up the next morning. He slowly shifted around in the bed and felt the weight of another body close to his back. "So it was just a dream??" Danny thought to himself. He looked over at Sam and his back was completely turned away from him. Sam's arms were close to his chest and his knees were closer to his stomach. Danny took this as, "Oh he didn't want his legs or arms to touch me the whole night, so it must have been just a dream." Danny sighed in relief. There was no way it could have actually happened, why would Sam ever offer to help Danny explore his sexuality? There is no way Sam would ever take a risk that could potentially ruin their lifelong friendship. There was another knock at Sam's door, when there was no answer again the door swung open. Josh was standing there in the doorway holding a tall cup of coffee. "Can I have some of that? Please?" Danny asked sitting up in Sam's bed. "Uh-hmm. What are you doing today? Just church or what?" Josh hummed, he passed his cup of coffee to Danny and climbed into the bed to sit down next to him. "Wait, it's Sunday?! How did I forget! What time is it?" Danny raised his voice and this finally woke Sam up. "It's 8:35 right now." Josh said reaching his hand out and taking back his cup of coffee. "Ugh, I have to go. Like right now." Danny had to quickly crawl over Sam's legs and Josh's body to get himself out of the bed. "Dude stop it!" Josh said slowly moving his arms up. "What??" Danny asked, once he looked back at him he could see a few drops of coffee running down Josh's arm. His quick movements almost made Josh spill the coffee on himself, but he caught it quickly before it could make a real mess. "Yeah, seriously. Calm down. Church doesn't start until like 10:00? Right?" Sam asked running his hands through his messy hair. "Yeah, but I have to be there at 9:00 every time to help set up!" Danny said grabbing his jean jacket and his boots he was wearing yesterday. Danny often played the drums in the worship band at his church on Wednesdays and Sundays, sometimes he would also sing when he needed to. He always went to church twice a week and was never late to any form of service. At Danny's church he is one of the top volunteers and is a highly respected student leader in his youth group. He has been very involved in church since his childhood, it has always been a huge part of his life. "My mom and dad are gonna kill me. I don't know if I'm gonna make it on time." Danny heavily sighed quickly lacing up his boots.

"OH SHIT! That's right. Speaking of mom and dad, we got to clean up this house before they get here." Josh set his cup of coffee down and jumped up to run downstairs to the living room. The Kiszka parents and Ronnie had gone to a relative's house last night because they wanted the boys to have the house to themselves for Danny's birthday. "You do realize how fast I can drive right? I can get you there in twenty minutes tops." Sam said standing and throwing on a hoodie. "Really you will??? Thank you Sam." Danny sighed in relief this time, he knew if he drove himself then he would just end up following all the rules and would never speed past the posted limit. Sam followed most of the rules of the road, but he would still speed around left and right if he saw there were no cops around. Danny and Sam jogged down the stairs and saw Jake taking down some of the decorations. Josh grabbed the empty bottles and handed them to Sam. "Here you, smash these bottles outside on the concrete. Then sweep it up and throw all the glass at the bottom of the trash. Jake will cover it up by throwing the decorations and other trash on top of it. The glass won't rip the trash bag, we double bagged it." Josh always was the one who came up with ideas on how to cover up the evidence so their parents wouldn't find out what they were up too. "Ah, I got to take Danny to church like right now." Sam said grabbing the keys to the car that the twins shared. "Hurry up then! Come back right after you are done.” Jake shot him a glare while continuing to pick up trash. "I promise!!" Sam shouted as he ran out of the door with Danny.

` About fifteen minutes later they had arrived. Sam dramatically swerved into the church parking lot and parked right up front where everyone could see them through the untinted car windows. "You didn't have to pull in all crazy like that." Danny said slowly taking off his seatbelt. "You wanted to be on time. Right?" Sam scoffed. "That is true." Danny smiled despite feeling slightly embarrassed because of the few old people frowning in their direction. The older people always showed up earlier and the younger people with families show up right on time. "Thank you for driving me over here, I really appreciate it. Do you want to ditch the twins and come to church with me?” Danny asked. "No problem, and you know what I say every time you invite me to church Daniel. No. Oh, and by the way, take it easy in there when you drum today. Last night I noticed you need to take better care of your hands' dude. You're going to ruin them before you have a shot at becoming a successful drummer." Sam said looking down at Danny's blistered hands that were sitting in his lap. He never ”took it easy” because he had no other coping mechanisms except drumming. "Oh." Danny said. He thought it was weird that Sam randomly started talking about his hands, especially since he had a dream last about them holding hands. Then suddenly Danny felt a tidal wave of anxiety fire through his brain, travel down his spine, and then into his lower body. Why would he start talking about his hands? Unless it really happened. "So, what do you want to try later?" Sam asked curiously. "What do you mean?" Danny asked calmly. "You know, like what do you want to do next? With me?” Sam asked, directly looking into Danny’s eyes. ”Oh wow.” Danny took a deep breath. INHALE. IGNORE EXHALE CONTINUE. His thoughts were shouting at him to calm down, but he still could not stop his body from panicking. Danny’s hand began to tremble. He could not believe this was happening to him. Danny was filled with instant regret, guilt, and shame. He wanted to run away and never look at Sam again. He wished he could take back holding Sam’s hand. At the same time, he couldn’t deny how good it felt to hold hands with a guy, with Sam for the first time. ”Can we talk about this after church?” Danny looked over at Sam, hoping that he would agree. He didn’t even want to go to church anymore, he merely wanted to be alone. ”What's wrong with you?” Sam asked. ”You’re shaking right now.” ”I’m just cold. And I don't feel good. At. All.” Danny said trying his best to stop shaking. He was thankful that it was December so he could use the weather as an excuse. ”Oh, It’s because you need a hoodie underneath that jean jacket. I got another one in the back, no worries.” Sam said unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car. Sam remembered that he held Danny’s hand that night. He was not that drunk by that hour. Danny was absolutely panicking over it, but Sam appeared to be unfazed by what happened the night before. ”Want me to go to church with you?” Sam asked once he came back from the trunk with an extra hoodie. Danny could not believe his ears. He considered the thought maybe last night when he blew out the candles it had transported him into some parallel universe. Sam was not freaked out at all. Sam wanted to be there for Danny while he could see that he was clearly panicking and wasn't actually cold. He already had Danny figured out, Sam has been there for many panic attacks before this one, and he never left him alone during one. Sam was willing to sacrifice his morning and afternoon to make sure Danny was okay.

”You don’t have too. Jake and Josh will get mad at you later if you don’t go back home now.” Danny replied as he took off his jean jacket to put on Sam’s hoodie, then layered it by putting his own jacket back on as Sam told him to do. ”I want to.” Sam said.” Besides they will get over it if they get mad oh well.” ”Really, thank you.” Danny said looking at Sam with this newfound admiration. ”Of course, like I said yesterday, I would do anything for you.” Sam shrugged. ”Oh and if you want to after church we can hang out and talk about whatever you want.” Danny looked up stared at Sam for a long time. There was so much he wanted to say to him, but he did not know where to start. There were no words to describe how grateful he was to have Sam as his best friend. Danny wanted to give him Sam a really long hug, but he couldn't bring himself to actually do it.

”Okay that sounds good.” Danny smiled. He didn't hug him, but they finally got out of the car and walked into the church together.

After the service, they decided to walk down a trail behind Danny’s house. This was the usual spot where they went to rant or talk about people at school, their families, or whatever was going on in their life.

”So. When did you start liking guys?” Sam asked kicking a rock in front of him. There was a brief moment of silence. Danny was unsure how to answer the question. His mind had deeply suppressed the idea of liking guys a long time ago. In the past, whenever he began to feel a certain way about a guy, Danny would always tell himself that it was wrong to think that way.

”I don’t think I like guys. I just know I have these thoughts that I can't control. So I'm thinking maybe if I act on them, they might go away once I see how weird it is to actually ”get with” a guy in real life.” Danny answered. ”Oh. I don't think that’s how it works.” Sam said. He stopped kicking he rock and looked up at Danny. ”But if that’s you think then, okay. I'll still help you out, but what are you gonna do if you actually realize you like guys?” Danny did not want to consider the possibility that he was really gay or anything else besides straight. It was too much for him to handle. If he thought about it long enough, his brain might explode from the mind-blowing possibility that it could be true. ”I’m not gay.” Danny sighed. ”I just need a wake-up call, and you are gonna be it for me. I just need to do this, so I feel more sure of myself, so I can move on with my life. You can back out now if you want too. I know you already do a lot for me, so you don't have to help me do this too. I can find some other guy to make out with and then I can get it over with." Danny silently hoped that Sam was going to back out of it because maybe that would make things easier. If he kissed a guy that was a stranger it might be easier, because then he would not have to think about ruining a friendship.

At first, Sam just stared at Danny, then he looked over at a large rock off to the side of the trail. He walked off the trail and sat down on the rock. Sam leaned back a little and made himself comfortable. "Come here, Danny." "Why?" Danny gulped starting to feel the nerves coming back. "Just come here. I have something to tell you." Sam said. He hesitated, but he still slowly walked over to the rock to sit by Sam. "What is it?" Danny asked scooting closer to his friend. "Yesterday I wanted to tell you this, but I was pretty sure Josh and Jake were going to make fun of me and I didn't want to hear it. I also thought you might make fun of me for even giving you the ring, so I just didn't say anything extra to add on to it. Anyways, last night when I gave you that ring it was not just a symbol of our friendship, it was also a promise from me. It was a promise to be your best friend no matter what happens. I can say a whole list of things, but I promise to always be there. I promise to always hear you out. I promise to never judge you. I swear, I do."

Danny was truly speechless now. “Can I hug you?” He asked. Sam and Danny did not hug very often. They felt like there was no need to hug unless they took a break from seeing each other for a while. Sometimes when Danny had panic attacks then they would hug during or after it happened. ”Yeah.” Sam said, he moved as close as he could to Danny and put his arms around his neck. Danny slid his arms around Sam’s waist and pulled him closer to his chest, practically pulling him into his lap. He began to tighten his grip, digging his fingers into Sam’s rib cage. Danny took a deep breath and let out a sigh. Sam tried to pull away from him, but Danny held him there and didn’t let him move.

”Can we hug longer?” Danny asked when Sam tried to move away again. ”Yeah. If you stop crushing me.” Sam winced. Danny looked down and realized how much pressure he was using in this hug ”Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Danny gasped starting to move away from Sam. ”It's okay. Come back.” Sam said grabbing Danny’s shirt and pulling him in closer to his face. Now they were nose to nose, making direct eye contact. Sam took a deep breath and he placed one hand on Danny’s face. Danny thought that maybe he should back up and move away, but that never happened. There was no way could blink or look away either, Sam had never been this close to his face before. Sam leaned in and Danny had no time to mentally prepare for what happened next. Sam gave him the most gentle kiss on one side of his cheek. He was positive that it was going to end there, but it didn’t. Sam leaned in more and put both his hands on Danny’s face, then he kissed the other side of his cheek. His lips moved up to the middle of Danny’s forehead then he kissed down the bridge of his nose. Sam paused once he reached Danny’s mouth. Tilting his head, he hovered over Danny’s lips, once he moved a little closer it made their lips lightly touch for a moment. Danny was tingling all over. ”Wait.” Danny said putting his hand on Sam’s chest. ”What?” Sam asked impatiently. ”Promise we will still be friends after this?” ”I promise.” Sam said quickly moving one hand to the back of Danny’s head. Once he moved his head forward, Sam finally got the chance to put his lips on Danny’s mouth. Sam let their closed lips stay pressed together for a moment, but not for too long. Then he grabbed Danny’s hair and tugged it just enough to make him gasp. Sam’s plan to deepen the kiss had worked, he pulled on his hair more, and now Danny’s jaw was slightly opened. That gave Sam the chance to lean forward and to slowly work his tongue into Danny’s mouth. Sam could tell that Danny was hesitant about this next move. Every time Danny would try to back up, Sam would pull him in closer. Eventually, Danny stopped trying to fight it, he put his hands on Sam’s back and started to move them up and down Sam’s spine. After he did this he could feel a shift and then more pressure on his lips. ”Mmm.” Sam lightly moaned into his mouth and started using more tongue. Danny’s hands were sending chills down his spine. Once Sam made that sound and Danny felt himself getting more heated by the second. Sam kept both of his hands underneath Danny’s hair so he could protect his head from hitting the rock when he rolled them over. Now they were laying on top of this uncomfortable rock kissing back and forth. Sam was on top of him with one knee on both sides of his waist, he tried his best to not to let their lips disconnect for more than a few seconds. Danny’s desire to keep kissing Sam only grew stronger, even though he could feel all of the uneven ridges of the rock digging into his back. Then suddenly Sam stopped kissing him. He abruptly pulled away and looked at Danny with a wide smile. “So. How was that kiss?” ”I uh, did not think it would feel like that. Better than I thought I guess? Also, that was way more than one kiss.” Danny said breathing heavily. ”Yeah and all those kisses are not for free.” Sam said sitting up and moving off of Danny’s body. Then he climbed off the rock and looked back up at Danny a smile. ”Oh okay, what do you want?” Danny asked. ”Let see. I. Want.” Sam began to cross his arms and look to the side. Danny waited in anticipation as Sam took his sweet time thinking about what he wanted.

”Weed, alcohol, my favorite snacks, and a few new records.” Sam requested. ”Oh okay.” Danny blushed. He thought that Sam was gonna say something sexual, but he wrong. ”Do you think you like guys now or what?” ”I don’t know, maybe you should come over later?” ”Danny!! Dude. You just can't get enough of me huh!?” Sam teased. ”Shut up Sam.” Danny said feeling the sudden urge to cover his face with his hands. ”But will you? Come over later?”

”You know I will.”

- END OF CHAPTER 2. There is gonna be a lot more writing coming up later, so be prepared.

#greta van fleet #sanny #jakekiszka #samkiszka #joshkiszka #dannywagner #greta van fic #gvf

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justanotherlifeff · 3 years

Text

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm. DETAILED SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER

Levi POV

She just got naked infront of me. "What the hell (Y/N)?!" I exclaimed trying to look away from her but my eyes failed me. She was small and had curves exactly at the right places. She had a firm breast and ass. The view she gave me made me more turned on that any other woman ever got me. I still had to control myself as I didn't want to hurt her.

"What? Don't you want this? Don't you like the way I look? I need to know that you won't go running back to another hoe. I need to know if you're satisfied with me" she whispered in a strained voice. "Trust me, it's taking all my effort to not take you right now but I can't do this. You're not ready. You're trembling. I don't want to hurt you (Y/N)." I tried to reason with her. In response, she came close to me and kissed me. I froze in her embrace unable to think of what to do about it. She removed her lips from mine and whispered demandingly, "Aren't you the one who said Eren that he had to make the choice that he believed that he won't regret? I just took your advice and made a choice. Do it".

I looked at her with wide eyes and asked, "Are you really sure?". My body was losing control as I stared at her smooth skin, her (B/S) shaped body, her (E/C) eyes and soft lips. "Yes but I need to use the washroom. Could you wait for a minute? " she answered with a hint of blush on her face. "Okay. Wash yourself down there" I murmured as she went off to the washroom as I sat on the bed to process everything. Before I could change my mind about everything, she returned and stood in front of me with a bashful expression.

Her expression told me that she had no idea about what to do. I stood up and trailed a finger to her vagina. It was dry. I knew she was scared and I knew that I had to ease her up a bit so that she won't regret it the next morning. She hugged me as I rubbed her clitoris and I could hear her ragged breathing. "Lie down on the bed" I told her as she listened to my instructions.

(Y/N) POV

I expected pain from the begining but Levi heichou's touches weren't painful. They made me feel somewhat weird and weak at my knees. When he asked me to lie down, I knew that it’s time for the painful part. I did as he asked me to but after that, he did some very unexpected things. Firstly, he pinned me down and kissed me. As he kissed me, he used one hand to continue the rubbing on my clitoris and used another hand to start massaging my one of my breasts sometimes pinching and rubbing the nipple.

My mouth made embarrassing sounds inside his involuntarily. After continuing that for a while, his mouth moved to my neck and kissed there. I never had my neck kissed before and I realised that I found it very pleasant. I could feel a wetness form on my vagina. I usually had this problem while reading erotica novels. They sugar-coated sex a lot. I knew how painful it was.

I heard heichou whisper in my ears, "I'll leave some hickeys on your neck. You don't mind do you?". "No I don't" I gasped as his finger actions on my clitoris and breast was messing with my breathing patterns. I felt him suck on my neck bruising it. It painfully delicious and I surprisingly enjoyed everything so far. I was questioning my experience already when heichou went down further and started sucking one of my breasts while massaging the other. I felt sensations that I never knew, I blushed furiously because I assumed these were shameful acts preserved only for erotica novels. Having heichou do these to me further contributed to that annoying wetness along with a dull pain inside my vagina. It was pleasant nonetheless.

This went on for a while and just when I thought things couldn't get better, heichou went right down to my vagina and gave me a big lick there. The light moans that were escaping my mouth for so long turned into louder ones as heichou continued licking. I felt my heartbeat increase and my body twitch when heichou suddenly stopped. "You're wet enough. I'll start with fingers" he murmured looking at my exasperated face. I was liking what he was doing before. I knew inserting finger hurts. However, when heichou did it, it didn’t hurt. I realised that the wetness helped him slip in.

I felt an awkward sensation. I felt... Full? He inserted another finger and I gasped as the sensation increased and my the sense of being full increased. Then to make my body go crazy, he started moving the two fingers sending of volts of pleasure all over my body. I felt my insides clenching again after a while when he stopped again. I saw him unbuckle his pants and pull his rock hard member out. It was big and I was sure it would hurt more than anything I ever experienced. "It might hurt at first cause you didn't have sex for a long time. Just tell me to move when it stops hurting" he instructed and I nodded because I was too nervous to form words.

He moved his hands from my body and used them as support as he continued to pin me down and position himself. He then used one hand to guide his member inside me. I felt a sharp pain as he inserted it slowly. I grabbed his hand to ease myself as he leaned down and kissed my neck to distract me from the pain. I felt him hit the end of my vagina, which gave me a weird sensation along with the pain. He didn't move as he continued to kiss my neck. The pain surprisingly stopped in a matter of moments. I remembered his instructions and whispered him to move. As he started moving, I felt a slight discomfort which was replaced by immense pleasure in seconds. The erotica novels were right.

The sensations that were flowing from my vagina to every other part of my body was hindering my ability to think and I felt myself loosing my mind. I had no words to describe this. He moved slowly and steadily, in and out as louder moans escaped my mouth. I wasn't controlling any of my actions now. It was him making my body do all sorts of embarrassing things.

Back in the underground, I remembered being forced to call out to those men as they enjoyed it for some reason but right now, I felt the need to call the captain out. "M-master please..." I gave out a strained moan. However, the captain abruptly stopped to that and looked at me with wide shocked eyes. "What did you call me?" he asked. All my senses returned to me as he stopped and I felt beyond embarrassed which made a few drops of tears leave my eyes. "I-I'm sorry. That's what I was taught when I was young. I don't know what I'm doing" I stammered. I saw heichou's eyes soften as he said, "I'm not your master. You don't have a master, (Y/N). Don't call me that." he said as he kissed my tears away and continued his pace.

"L-levi Heichou?" I tried to continue as I was loosing my mind again. I saw him smirk as he said, "As much as that turns me on, I want you to call me Levi. Just Levi. Whenever we are alone, I'm just Levi to you except for special circumstances". I didn't waste any time now as I moaned, " Levi, faster. Please.". He listened to me and picked up his pace as I grabbed onto his hand moaning his name out to keep a grasp onto my sanity.

Levi POV

Watching her orgasm was quiet amusing. She had no idea what was happening and she was trying to hold it back because she thought she will pass out. I had to instruct her to let go and it took a while for her to trust me. I came a while after she did. This time, I came faster than usual because her expressions were so raw that it turned me on more than anyone ever did, her vagina was tight and her small body was really easy and comfortable to handle.

We laid down for a while till I decided that we were filthy as we both sweated a lot and she had semen all over her. She was tired and passed out moments after we were done, so I had to pick her up and bath her and myself at the same time. I changed the bed sheets too and when I felt like things were clean enough, I placed her on the bed and got in beside her myself. She snuggled next to me and for once in my entire life, I felt happy.

The next morning:

I woke up to find (Y/N) sitting on the bed staring at the bathroom door and thinking hard about something. She covered her bare body with the bedsheet. Suddenly, I felt a stab of fear in my mind. Was she regretting last night? "(Y/N)? You okay?" I asked as I moved to sit beside her. "Yeah I'm fine. I was just thinking" she replied. I didn't beat around the bush and asked her, "Do you regret last night?". She looked at me and smiled and answered, "Of course I don't regret it. I was just confused. Last night was so much different from every other time I had sex. I felt like I am a protagonist in an erotica novel last night.".

"You were raped (Y/N). Last night was actual sex. Before that, your body wasn't developed enough for this. The people who did that to you deserves to be castrated." I answered with a sigh. She actually thought it was going to be something like her previous experience? I felt a pang of guilt for not letting her know that it wouldn't be like that. She probably was scared the whole time until the actual penetration began. I, however, admired her bravery. It was one of her many qualities that made me notice her.

"Did you enjoy it?" she asked me without looking at my face. "Yes. It was a lot better than any of my previous sexual encounters. I suppose I'm more into small women than tall now." I answered her. She still wasn't looking at me. I was looking at her, waiting for a response when I heard a soft sniffle coming from her face. I immediately turned her face towards me to find her crying softly.

"What's the matter? Are you okay? Did I hurt you last night? " I asked her panicking. "No you didn't." she consoled me. "It's just, I wish I never experienced anything before you. I want to forget everything that happened before." she said as her crying intensified. Just as she completed that sentence, she was crying like a baby. I didn't know how to comfort her so I instinctively hugged her. I remembered my mother doing this when I was sad. That was a long time ago and I never used this on anyone so I hoped this would work on her. I heard her muffled cries as I felt her tears wet my chest but I didn't let go of her. She cried for a long time before calming down slowly. I still didn't let go of her even when she was calm. She didn't try to get away from me either.

We laid down on the bed holding each other till someone knocked the door. I had to let go of (Y/N) as she ran into the closet to wear some clothes. I walked into the closet to pick a pant of mine with her and when I was done, I opened the door. The hotel manager was standing outside.

"Captain Levi, I had to speak with you" he said formally. I moved from the door as he came in and sat on the sofa of the living room. "It has come to my attention that Ms (L/N), who is staying with you has hit one of our sex workers. I'm aware that you know about it too as you were in the scene and we both know that it was Emilia. Now, I don't want to know if there is anything between you and Ms (L/N) but starting a bar fight isn't an appropriate thing to do..." he said before I stopped him and said, "Before you continue, you should hear our side of the story. Emilia tried to force herself on me even if I tried to politely push her away. I had to be rough with her only because she wasn't getting the message. Ms (L/N) tried to reason with her and said her that I’m not interested but she insulted Ms (L/N) and body shamed her. You should take these into account, Mr Davis".

"I see. Well, you do have a point but letting you stay in this hotel for now would only raise rumours about you and Ms (L/N). I'm sorry but I don't want my hotel to have a bad reputation for bar fights." the manager concluded formally. Before I could reply, I heard another knock at the door. I excused myself and opened the door to see a panting military police cadet. "Levi heichou, Commander Erwin has regained consciousness!" he informed.

"He's awake?" I heard a surprised and relieved voice behind me. (Y/N) stood there with a smile on her face. "Yes. Go pack. We won't have to stay here anymore now anyway" I commanded her as she slipped back into the room and started packing. "Well, I'll give you time to pack and I'll arrange horses. Good day" the manager said to me and walked out of the room. I went to help (Y/N) pack our bags.

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

#levi smut #levi aot #shingeki no kyoujin levi #levi attack on titan #levi x reader #levi x fem!reader #levi×reader #levi ackerman

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nerdygaymormon · 4 years

Note

I'm... scared... of your blog. It goes against a whole lot of what I was taught to believe and follow growing up. But, at the same time, I've been hurt deeply by that... doctrine... and I've only just begun to see and understand the extent of that damage. So... what if this is what my wounded and weeping soul has been searching for... since I can't pick up any "official text" without having a violent physical reaction that is drowning in pain and fear? 1/?

I can't even get near a chapel or temple without reacting. And I can't bring myself to confide in any of my local bishopric or ward members. As a result, I've been suffering alone. I know I need therapy because this is some deep, messed up shit, but I have not been able to find a compassionate professional and I'm not want to continue the search. I've neither the funds nor the energy. 2/?

I'm 34yo born and raised in the Church. Three years ago I experienced something that made me question heavily whether Gd still loved me because I for sure felt damned. And that event caused the floodgates to open, I suppose. I've not been active for years due to chronic illness and being treated like some sort of sub-human because of my disability. I used to maintain a current temple recommend but not anymore. 3/?

I think I'm asexual. And the more and more I think about this, the more and more it explains some aspects of me that I thought were broken. (No desire to date as a teen, no feelings of sexual attraction to anyone, confusion about terms like "infatuation" and "crush", confused and disgusted by sex and the world's obsession with it.) But, at the same time, the more and more I grew to like this term, the worse my feeling of being Rejected by Gd became. 4/?

But, even before I adopted the term, I began to feel unwanted and damned because of a history of attempted molestation at 5 years old and being taught that I was 'chewed gum' amongst other doctrines that insisted that my every decision and move was responsible for the sexual purity of the male mind. I felt violated in almost everything that I wore that I felt "pretty" in because I was under the belief I was a walking sin. 5/?

I say I'm scared of your blog... yet I read through several posts last night, body shaking and nauseous with fear and guilt. And here I am, unloading in your askbox because I'm so desperate for someone to talk to who won't judge me like I've been judged all my life. The last time I went to church, I ran out of Sacrament in tears, hyperventilating in my car for several minutes. I have not been back since. 6/?

I want to believe that I'm still loved. I want to believe that I'm still wanted. There is a vicious war going in within me, complicated by chronic and mental illness, that I've lost my sensitivity concerning Gd. I can't tell if or when He's talking to me because the constant anxiety, fear and pain drown out the more 'subtle' emotions. And the maladaptive coping mechanisms I've developed likely don't help either... 7/?

Thank you for listening... if you have anything insightful that you think might help, I'd like to read it. (I hope all these messages stayed anonymous...) 8/8

———————————————————————

Wow, the feels. You said so much. I recognize you’re in a hard place.

—————————

Don’t worry, you managed to stay anonymous. I know when sending multiple asks it’s to forget to push the anon option.

—————————

Congrats on figuring out you are asexual (ace).

I think discovering a lack of something is difficult. There’s all these hints along the way but then once you figure it out, it all makes sense, everything fits.

Don’t be afraid to change your labels. We use words to describe how we understand ourselves. If the way you understand yourself changes, it’s fine to change your labels.

—————————

Having a chronic illness can be difficult, it can take over a life as you organize things around it. Having a disability also can be challenging, especially if it’s one that is visible to others because they often view you as your disability.

The thing is, you have a personality that wants to be displayed, I can tell that just from these messages you sent me. As people spend time with you and get to know you, they will start seeing you and not your disability.

—————————

Things that you described about your feelings and reactions make me believe therapy would help. I’m no mental health professional, but I wonder if you have have the symptoms of PTSD (church caused you trauma) and an anxiety disorder.

If you have insurance that will cover some sessions, look for a provider that takes your insurance. If you don’t, I know that therapy can be expensive.

About 2 years ago I needed to see a therapist and I checked at my local university. They had a psychological services clinic where Ph.D. students could gain experience, so the price was reduced, and my therapy was overseen by professors who are up-to-date in their field.

If you can’t get to therapy now, and if you want to go to church, it helps a lot to have someone you know that can go with you, like a security blanket. It makes it less scary to enter that space.

If you don’t have someone like that, try contacting the missionaries, explain you haven’t been to church in a while but want to come back. They will be so happy to greet you in the lobby and have you sit with them. And if you want, they will introduce you around to others.

—————————

Tbh, I was very surprised at how you describe my blog. I didn’t realize someone would view it the way you did.

It’s true that I think our church is wrong on LGBTQIA+ topics. This is because of a few things:

1) I feel the spirit let me know that God loves me as I am, a gay man, and that I’m not broken. This is how I’m meant to be.

2) What we learn about our Heavenly Parents and how they love us and are fair and just, and they treat us the same and view humankind as alike. I can’t believe they would set up a whole group of their children to fail and not have a path to return to them.

3) Jesus stood with those who were on the margins, He spent time lifting others and taught us that real religion is helping others, especially those who are downtrodden and on the margins.

4) The Church doesn’t show LGBTQIA+ people as a part God’s Plan. The Church doesn’t know what to do with us. And it’s not a good space for queer people so most LGBTQIA+ members leave. This is not good fruit and it’s not what I think God would want, for whole groups of people to not feel welcomed.

I don’t reject the principles of the gospel, I want them to apply to all of us, even me, a gay man, and even you, an asexual woman. We are beautiful, we have a purpose, we deserve to be accepted and have joy.

I guess that is rebellious and dangerous because it challenges the Church’s narrative about people like you and me.

I let people in church tell me terrible things and for so long I believed them. I don’t anymore.

Refusing the shame that church gives us as queer people, that’s radical. Church is supposed to help us be better, not wear us down.

You can love yourself and be happy as ace. This is part of how God made you, you don’t have to deny this is how you experience life.

—————————

What are your goals? What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your life to be like?

My psychologist used to have me write what I would like my life to be like, and then we made goals to start doing those.

You are capable of change.

This is your life.

God has given you talents. We’re not supposed to hide them under a bushel. Work on developing them and developing yourself.

You are your own longest investment. Investing in yourself is a gift to the world, it’s how we develop ourselves and increases our capacity to help others.

—————————

I hope you feel I understood what you were trying to say to me.

I also hope I gave you some things to think about, to ponder, and figure out what feels right to you.

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imperial-martian · 5 years

Text

Need To Change {James Moriarty x Reader}

A/N: I’ve never done a song fic before, so this is a first, but I hope you all enjoy it.

Requested by Anonymous

Vampire! James x Human! Reader

Vampire! AU, Song Fic

Angst

(Strong Language [in sense of song lyrics], Murder)

•—•

It's five thirty-three,

I'm awake and my bed is covered in sweat,

I can't sleep,

and there's blood on the sheets.

Yeah she likes it rough,

but I don't think she likes all the things that I love,

I need more,

then she wants to give.

He was a vampire. You were as normal as can be, a human. He had his urges, his need for blood. Every vampire does. However, Moriarty was different. He was a killer. The man killed for blood with no mercy. That was all he did. It was his enjoyment.

Then you came along. A human, someone that should not have affected him so dearly. Yet, with nights such as the one you both had last night. The rare nights were you allowed him to bite you, but not turn you. The nights were he kept the promise of never biting you're vain. You did want to die after all. In a world like the one you lived in, why stay alive longer than you need to?

Yet, the man you loved, James Moriarty, he hated the promise he made. He wanted you forever. He wanted you to be his. Not somebody that he'd just go off and kill. Not somebody he'd use. Somebody that was his. Somebody that loved him.

I know, yeah I know you want me to change,

but I'm fucked in the head,

I can't break,

I know, yeah I know you want me to change.

The night had ended like most others. You telling him to stop, and he didn't listen. You'd always be drained after nights like those, where he needed to feed, or he'd start a massacre. Surely, if you didn't leave him after that, then he'd have killed you without thinking, without hesitation.

He wasn't surprised when you had stood up, threw on your coat and covered your neck in a scarf before leaving yelling back to him a, "call me when you learn to stop, James."

It was going to be a cycle all over again. He'd call, you'd run back to him as if nothing happened. You were so naïve, and of course, you were. You were dating a murderer, you might have very well have been one yourself if you were what he was. If you would just give in and let him turn you. Turn you into a monster like him.

I stopped blaming me,

now I blame God for my ways that you see

I'm a slave,

to my self loathing brain

Never thought I'd see a girl like you in this place,

where men are like dogs, and the girls dread the chase,

I can tell,

You're just numbing the pain.

James learned at a young age to stop blaming himself. It was boring to him, something that constantly dragged him down. He found no fun in that. He'd always said, "it's much more fun to blame others for your doing. Then you don't get in trouble, unless, of course, you're trying to."

That never changed when you came along either, rather he had more of a reason to blame others. He had a reason to head home every night. It was no fun coming home with guilt eating down your shoulders when someone like you was waiting at home for him. Someone so special.

It really was a miracle that he came across you. It certainly wasn't supposed to end up where it did. Yet, it had and James was rather glad he hadn't killed you when he planned to, because only God could know how his life would end up if that happened. Would he find someone else? Would he continue killing without hesitation? How would it have all ended up?

I know, yeah I know you want me to change,

but I'm fucked in the head,

I can't break,

I know, yeah I know you want me to change,

but I'm stuck in my ways,

it's a shame

I know, yeah I know you want me to change.

You weren’t sure how much longer you’d be able to take it. Take in the fact that Moriarty was a killer, the fact that he killed more and more day by day. You were a human, a naïve one at that. You had no idea why he did this. Why he found enjoyment in it. He just did.

In time, you’d eventually give in, or so Moriarty hoped. He so badly wanted you as his. To claim you, finally. Yet, you weren’t sure if you could be his. You weren’t sure if you could commit to him. Commit to a murderer, a psychopath.

He’d have to change his ways, or if he wasn’t going to do that, hide what he does, because not knowing what he was doing was better than feeling sick every time you saw it. He wasn’t going to change, not even for you.

I just needed a fix,

I guess my timing was right,

you had just joined the mix,

I was sold,

and I needed a taste.

Didn't have to put a lot of work into this girl,

she saw my contentions and gave me world,

I'm in love,

But I will fuck this up.

Even if he wouldn’t change for you, even if he had killed you that day, you were a blessing. So badly did he need you when you entered his life. He needed both you and the rare night you allowed him to feed off you. The oh so rare nights.

Strange was a way to describe your encounter. A woman in the woods at such a late hour in the evening. Yes, he had been hindering there specifically in hopes to find someone, or even something, to feed off of, and there you were in a tree gazing at the stars.

He’d stood, his back to the trunk of the tree near the one you sat in. His ankles and arms were crossed as he looked at you with narrowed eyes. Calculating ones. It wasn’t long until you spotted him looking at you from where he was.

I know, yeah I know you want me to change,

but I'm fucked in the head,

I can't break,

I know, yeah I know you want me to change,

but I'm fucked in the head,

I can't break,

I know, yeah I know you want me to change,

I know that I need to.

“What are you doing here sir?” you had asked, wrapping your hands around the branch and leaning forward a bit so you could look down at the man, getting a better look of him.

He wore a sharp suit, one that most certainly showed he was not only wealthy but that he was dangerous. No, not powerfully. Simply dangerous.

“I could ask you the same, darling,” he had replied, leaning his head up a bit, looking at the stars that you had just stared at earlier before he looked back at you. His eyes caught yours, not breaking the intense stare, he spoke after a moment. “And why are you out here at such a late hour? Isn’t that quite dangerous? You never know what could happen, especially in the woods.”

Why are you crying,

I'm not like your last man I don't give a damn

Why're you still trying,

run back to him now,

I'm sure he'll understand.

James Moriarty really hadn’t given a damn. Not a single one. It wasn’t long before he grew out of control. Before he lashed out on you after yelling back and forth. He’d given you only a split second to run after that, and you hadn’t taken it. You hadn’t even tried to run.

James always knew he’d kill the person he would love most in the world. He wasn’t surprised when he did it. He wasn’t surprised when he killed you.

Being with a monster like him, it was bound to have happened, it was almost unavoidable. So it was not a surprise to see that you hadn’t been shocked either. He should’ve changed, he should’ve done something to stop himself.

I know, yeah I know you want me to change,

but I'm fucked in the head,

I can't break,

I know, yeah I know you want me to change,

I know that I need to.

But, how could a vampire like him ever change?

Tags: @letysg0, @cherryfluff

#bbc sherlock #james moriarty #james moriarty x reader #x reader #moriarty x reader #angst #songfic #vampire! moriarty #bbc moriarty x reader #james x reader #murder #vampire au #james #moriarty

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