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#i can click out of a discord channel when i realize a topic isn't for me.
illithiddies
·
7 months
Text
Hm. Having thoughts
#rant in tags just to get it off my brain. its personal shit not entirely bg3 shit.
#but I think I've realized very suddenly that I've been pushing my own boundaries for the sake of companionship
#and the irony is BITTER considering the character ive just spent the last month obsessed with.
#and that this problem involves online spaces about said character.
#i will absolutely give the bg3 fandom credit for handling topics like SA better than the star wars fandom ever did while I was in it.
#i was so aggressive to defend my own space and peace of mind due to that and I pushed a lot of people away. I cut a lot of people off.
#But then I wound up in spaces that ended up making me feel like I was walking on eggshells constantly for even just liking
#certain characters or being too old. But now that im out of those spaces im just. fucking lonely man.
#i miss having people to talk about fandom with.
#i miss having people to bounce ideas off and enjoy hours long conversations about meta and story ideas.
#i miss it so much. but i think as soon as i got into bg3 and dropped that defensiveness i think i left myself TOO open.
#im too eager to insert myself into a spaces that im realizing very frequently go WAY the fuck past my comfort zone.
#and obviously im minding my own business. even in the past i never sent hate. i just blocked and cut ties and moved on.
#i can click out of a discord channel when i realize a topic isn't for me.
#but my realization today is that im doing that so frequently that im wondering why im bothering at all?
#why am i driven to befriend people if it's clear that their favored topics are ones I can't stomach?
#I can acknowledge that im not mentally going to be safe in a space but why have I been forcing myself to ignore that?
#i dunno it just. felt very strange to realize this suddenly
#questlog
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