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#i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone
daz4i
·
10 months
Text
i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore
#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth
#it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression
#hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13
#which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place
#at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since
#i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it
#even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway
#i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly
#there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt
#i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone
#and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry
#i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig.
#nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating
#i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could
#wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over
#nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop
#vent
#suicide //
#negative //
#ask to tag
#i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that
#(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse)
#tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐
#sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche
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