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24.2.17 - mind body soul

I haven’t written anything in a while and there are a few reasons for that. First being that there has been so much inside my head I couldn’t find the words to say, I have been on the dangerous edge of getting lost within the ocean of thoughts swilling around in there and also finding the ones that make the most sense. Second of all, it has been pretty full on with receiving treatment from Tomer, Jonathan and other various places. And lastly I’ve been away in Cornwall, which is a pretty good reason right?!

So where to start, well I’ve got my insoles now and let me tell you how truly remarkable they are! I can’t believe something so mundane can make such a difference to the body. As soon as I put them in, it’s as if all the nuts and bolts have been tightened up, I don’t feel like such a rickety puppet on strings. This week it has been a month since I got them and I had my first follow up appointment with Jonathan and he is very pleased with my progress, my muscles seem to be remembering where they should be even when I don’t have my insoles in, plus I am standing a lot taller, much to the disdain of my Mum. Who knows where the long limbs have come from as I seem to tower over everyone in my family and I look too much like my Dad to blame the postman.

I have been seeing Tomer every week now, slowly but surely I seem to be responding well to treatment. Each time building up the manipulation of soft tissue and nerve endings, to get them alive and kicking once again. We have to tread carefully as everything is a bit sensitive and can react quite aggressively if provoked a bit too much. I’m not just relying on once a week sessions to get me through, it takes two to tango after all, so every day I am working on getting to know my body and finally being able to help myself in a way that actually has results! Now that my body seems to be getting itself out of limbo, I can start strengthening my muscles in the right position. I haven’t been to pilates for a while as I think it might have been doing more harm than good, but this week I got back in the pool. I am a water baby, a child of the tides, so I feel a natural affinity to the water, the perfect place for my body to strengthen and heal. I will be slowly building this up, I have no idea how long it will take for me to get where I need to be, but so far so good.The biggest battle at the moment is feeling weak and fatigued, I definitely have a lot more energy than I did a few months ago but sometimes it likes to trip me up. I think that is partly my own fault, that old habit of doing too much when I feel good. But I’ve been doing a lot better, I think partly because I’ve been allowing myself to just rest, heal and not worry so much about the unimportant things.

So that’s the body dealt with and now for the mind. Up until recently I have felt that my imagination has been a prisoner of war, trapped by all the fog and pain. It feels like the fog is slowly lifting and my creativity is beginning to seep out, making its escape. It’s funny how life works out, you are adamant it’s going one way then it takes a sharp left. I feel a bit like I’ve been swimming until I can’t see land, floating adrift in the middle of nowhere. But I think that is probably normal for any 25 year old, I think we all just pretend we’ve got it all together. A constant battle trying to prove that we exist, but is it the honest truth or a well constructed lie? A friend of mine who suffers similarly with pain, has also brought this to light. She went on to describe her fear that social media has bred a collective dishonesty, that in turn perpetuates our anxiety. A platform intended for communication and connection has turned into a dangerous method of attack and self-degradation. Everyone has their own battles to fight, even if their virtual self is living the idyllic life. Who wants to see me crippled in pain or with bags under my eyes so big I could carry the shopping home? I fear it will make me less desirable if my weaknesses are realised. We are not alone in feeling these frustrations, and we are not the first to voice them. But when life suddenly slams on the brakes, you are forced to see everyone else speeding past you. Social media will evolve, it could get better or worse, it will always be a blessing and a curse. I guess it is up to us to experience it more positively or don’t use it at all. What happened to the glory days of myspace, pc4pc anyone? Ultimately it doesn’t really matter what anyone else is doing, you need to do whatever is right for you.

Think for yourself, be yourself, to stay true to yourself.

So over the past 5 or 6 months I have made the conscious decision to take time out to focus on healing my body, this might sound wonderful, I mean don’t get me wrong it’s great not having to do very much. But at the same time it drives me up the wall; boredom, frustration, loneliness, envy, guilt and the thought that life is passing me by. However, I have realised that this is what I needed, and it has been a golden opportunity that not many people get the chance to receive. I have been able to rest and rehabilitate, and experience some self-discovery, which in actual fact is hugely important. I haven’t been doing nothing, I’ve had the chance to really think about life and what I want from it. Furthermore I have been given the time to be creative again, re-awaken my imagination and focus all the negativity into something positive.

I have also realised a lot of aspects about myself, some I liked and some not so much. It’s frightening when you are confronted with yourself, a self that has been battered and left feeling pretty vulnerable and raw. I always felt I was a confident person, but I’ve had the wind knocked out of my sails and feel that my self-confidence has been a casualty of that. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning, overwhelmed with my inabilities, new found insecurities and anxiety. A feeling I haven’t really experienced before. I suppose it’s a bit like having your skin peeled off and then your raw flesh bared to the elements. Even though I have been to hell and back, I am thankful that it has happened to me, especially when I have the benefits of time and youth on my side. Pain can be a fantastic catalyst for change. I firmly believe that the Universe gives you signs to follow, but it is up to you to listen to them. 

I’m tired and I’ve been tired for a long time, too young to feel that tired and I don’t have the energy for bullshit anymore. I am coming to realise what future I want, what I need to do to get there and the kinds of people I want in it. I crave a slower life, a life where quality is appreciated more than quantity. Peace and pleasure in living. Having adventures, grand or small, laughter, fun and doing whatever the hell you want. I’m not the only that shares this dream, but it terrifies me to think of staying here and following the formula. I see my friends getting married, buying houses, planning parenthood and I feel my palms start to sweat. I am happy for them and I know that it’s life, we were put here to pro-create after all, but I still feel 17 and want to experience and see everything before my eyes close forever. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance in a way, a future of possibilities has opened up again, I’m chomping at the bit, I am impatient to press play, I want to find the eternity in each and every moment.

Dorian Paskowitz once said, “health is more than mere absence of disease, it’s the presence of a superior state of well being, a pizzazz, a vitality that has to be worked for each and every day of your life. It’s got to be gotten through diet and exercise and rest and recreation and attitudes of mind working all together every day of your life.” So I am taking the time to heal my body and my mind, strengthening them so they can withstand the waves of life, and the ocean itself, because my first goal is to get up on a surfboard. I know that as my body strengthens, my confidence will flourish again and I won’t feel so inept anymore. I need to be whole again, especially if I want to succeed in my goals, be present in life, forge relationships and be with someone heart, body and soul. I’ve got a few plans in the making, I am determined and I’ll get there soon, just bear with me.

B.