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#i am so sorry anon like yeah this is it you articulated exactly how i feel
yramesoruniverse · 2 years
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i’m so glad to see you back and i hope you are in a good/better place with life & work & fandom. i always love reading your thoughts on anything and you have to be one of the most thoughtful and articulate people on here.
now i did actually have an ask for my ask so i’m curious if you have any thoughts on how chris would react to an eddie & buck relationship? fic and fanon so often has him being thrilled, which i think he would be on some level? but i also think there would be anxiety because it IS a shift in the relationship dynamics, even if just psychologically, in a much different way than the ana shift from teacher to dad’s girlfriend
sorry this got a little long, basically what i’m wondering is how you would realistically like to see chris react
Thanks anon. I'm hanging in there and hope you are too.
I love this question! Because it gets to something I'm obsessed with: how much story there will be to tell after Buck and Eddie get together.
Their eventual romance won't be the culmination of their story arc, but a tectonic shift right smack in the middle. And 911 has shown us over and over again the kind of love stories they are interested in (and quite good at) telling: adult relationships about mutual healing. About showing up, about trying and failing and still showing up again and again. About learning to love yourself even more through your love for another person, through allowing them to love you. Anyway, I am VIBRATING WITH EXCITEMENT about the post-Buddie-goes-canon stories that we'll get to wallow in.
And Christopher's reaction is very much one of them! Chris is certainly emotionally precocious - he has been through so much in is few years on this planet. He is wise beyond his years and he is still a child. I remain convinced that ultimately, no one will be more elated by Buck and Eddie's eventual coming together than Christopher.
And for sure, Chris will not care a single bit about the gay part. However, I can see Eddie being nervous to that end - not about Chris accepting Buck, of course, but about Eddie's queerness somehow being a disappointment. The Provider, the Father, the Brave Hero that Eddie is "supposed" to be for Chris. But we know how that will turn out.
I could see Chris (temporarily) fearing the Buckley-Diaz family dynamic would change. That is a normal and predictable reaction for a child to have. Because to him, they already are a family, and he doesn't question or doubt it in the ways Buck or Eddie might because of the baggage they carry around from trauma (and internalized oppression).
I could also see Chris fearing - for the first time - that this change to their family could mean that Buck might leave. Chris's faith in Buck is unshakable. But we know that abandonment, that being left by people they care about, is a fear Chris and Buck share. Shannon left and Ana left; does this change mean that Buck might leave, too? That could be interesting.
Ultimately, though? Even though he is still a child and there are elements of adult romance that he of course does not and should not understand, I expect Chris to see and know how deeply happy Buck makes his dad. Whether we ever get an explicit conversation between them about it, we know with Ana that Eddie eclipsed his own happiness. Not just out of a misguided belief about what was best for Christoper, but because he was projecting onto Christopher what would make Chris happy. "My kid loves her" when we saw no evidence of the sort. (Chris was desperately lonely during the pandemic, was elated to have someone to spend time with, knew and liked Ana just fine, believed his dad when Eddie told him Ana was what he wanted. And Chris seemed ok when she was no longer there.)
As complicated as some of this may be, one of the fundamentals of this story is Eddie's journey to his own happiness. To learning that "following his heart" doesn't come at Christopher's expense, but is, in fact, exactly what Chris wants too. And the fact that it's Buck? Yeah, Chris will be over the moon.
And I know it's a fic thing, but it resonates for me that the person who will have the hardest time with all this will be Buck. In 5B we saw just how far he's come in feeling confident in his place with the Diaz boys and their little family. (From standing on the threshold to the Diaz home, gazing at Chris and Eddie from afar, to literally breaking down Eddie's bedroom door to get to him.) But romantic partnership with Eddie? Actually, explicitly being Christopher's other father? That's going to be a big leap for Buck that will take some time for him to accept. I expect part of Christopher's story will be in helping Buck see and know how loved and welcome he is.
And, at the end of the day, these writers know what they're doing and have done a masterful job with Chris and Eddie's relationship, taking full advantage of Ryan and Gavin's talents and the magical thing that happens when they're on screen together. I expect to get some brilliant and surprising storytelling and I cannot wait to witness it!
What do y'all think? How will Chris react to Buck and Eddie officially become BuckandEddie?
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bonesandthebees · 2 years
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Hello! With all these great questions from mushroom anon, it's making me curious as to your take on c!wilbur. You've mentioned that he's one of your favourite characters ever and I'm really curious as to why and what you think :D
And if you have the time and mood, maybe takes on c! Tommy while you're at it?
<3 Hope you're doing well
- ❄️
ooo thank you for these questions snowflake anon!! i am unfortunately sick rn so idk how articulate my sick brain is gonna be answering these but i'll try my best
c!wilbur is one of my favorite characters partly because of how great of an actor cc!wilbur is, and how raw he makes all of c!wilbur's emotions feel. but what I really like about c!wilbur is just how complicated he is. it's rare to get a 'villain' character like him (and i use the term villain extremely loosely because I don't actually think he's a villain) be given so much depth and reasoning as to why he is the way he is. he did an absolutely horrible thing, but you can trace exactly where his paranoia and spiral began and follow it all the way to its explosive end, and already he was a very fascinating character just through the l'manberg and pogtopia arcs. but then you got ghostbur, and later on he was revived. ghostbur is such a fascinating way to show another side to such a controversial character, because ghostbur is still c!wilbur despite how much people seem to want to ignore that. all those soft parts of ghostbur exist in c!wilbur, and the lingering trauma of someone you loved and trusted betraying you in such a horrible way quite literally manifesting as a naive and forgetful ghost who insists he's not the same person? idk I just love how complicated it all is with him. and then he's revived, and he's so drastically changed but also still so very the same person he was when he first started that drug van. he's cruel and petty, he can be childish and has manic episodes where he thinks he's the only person in the right, and he's just so utterly selfish. but at his core, he deeply cares about other people and loves so much, and is just a deeply fucked up guy. there's just so many ways to analyze him and so many angles you can look at him from, he's just my brainrot blorbo what can i say lmao
c!tommy i love because he's just... idk how to explain it, but he's genuinely an annoying little shit? but he's still also so deeply good at his very core. like, c!tommy is an asshole, not as much in present day dsmp but before he was genuinely an annoying shit, but there's something so genuine and earnest about him that despite that, you can't help but be fond of him, y'know? i love how emotionally intelligent he is. even if he's a loud-mouthed obnoxious kid who runs around bothering people, he sees way more than people think he does, and he's so smart when it comes to recognizing emotions. in most kinds of media, c!tommy would mostly just be a comic relief character with no depth, or they would pull back a bit with the obnoxious gremlin side of him to make him more appealing to the audience. what i love about c!tommy is that he's allowed to be an annoying shit and that doesn't meant he's not lovable. no matter what, he's good. just... inherently. again i am sick and rambling so this might not make sense but yeah that's pretty much my take on him
sorry this got so long lmaoooo
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winterscaptain · 4 years
Text
white album.
Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader
ask: i saw something earlier saying that haley was cheating on hotch (totally true) and just imagine hotch being super vulnerable and open to the reader about his insecurities in a relationship because of it 🥺 a/n: i promise i’ll give you all a break from my nonsense after this one! i got the above message from an anon today, and this happened and i’m not even a little sorry. i wrote this one all in one sitting too, so feel free to shout about any errors - i’m always appreciative of your catches! words: 1838 warnings: mentions of infidelity
disclaimer: i am in the “Haley Cheated on Hotch” camp, but I’m also in the “I Totally Understand Some of Her Choices and Respect Her” camp. we stan grey morality in this house and understand that marriage is very very hard!
AO3 | Masterlist | Requests Closed
+++
Your phone rang, and you jumped up and kissed Aaron on the head before slipping out of the room. Before you could close the door, he heard your relieved “Hi, how are you?”
He did his best to keep the anxiety at bay. You weren’t seeing anyone else. You loved him. You loved him. You loved him.
It wasn’t sure how long it had been when you stepped back in, phone in-hand.
“What did I miss?” You asked, gesturing to the still-rolling movie on the screen.
He snapped to and said, “Um...I’m not sure. Let’s – ah – we’ll just pick up from where you left.” He shot you a tight smile.
You frowned at him. “What’s wrong, Aaron?”
He shook his head, pulling you close and kissing your temple. “Nothing, honey. I’m good.”
+++
The next week, you were checking your email in the kitchen when your phone rang again. It was Emily, and you smiled upon answering.
“Hey...Yeah...He didn’t see anything, did he?”
Aaron paused in the hallway and pressed his back against the wall, listening.
“No, it’s really important this stays under wraps...Yeah...Oh, shit I gotta go, I think I hear him.”
He gave it another few seconds before he backtracked to the bedroom door and loudly made his way down the hallway toward the kitchen. He swung around the corner and came up behind you, subtly looking over your shoulder as he wrapped his arms around your waist. “What are you working on in here?”
You leaned back into him, humming contentedly. “Just checking some emails. One of the Idaho consults had a follow-up, and I guess it’s time sensitive.”
He kissed your temple, but his jaw was tight. “Glad you’re staying on top of it.”
When he stepped away from you, walking out of the kitchen toward the living room without his cup of coffee, you furrowed your brow.
What is that about?
+++
It was the day after he caught you whispering with Emily in the break room that he’d decided to do a little digging. He called Emily into his office and shut the door behind her.
“Do you know what’s going on?”
She shook her head slightly and frowned, confused. “What do you mean?”
“Y/N. There’s something going on and I want to know what it is.”
“Hotch, I – I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her voice ticked up at the end, like it was a question.
Emily was a good liar, but not that good. He huffed. “Fine. Nevermind.”
“Is that all you needed?” She asked, tentative. Her thumb traced the side of her finger – one of her few tells.
She’s lying.
“Yes, thank you. You’re dismissed.” He returned to his paperwork, holding onto his pen a little too tight.
+++
“Alright,” you said, pausing the movie. “What’s wrong with you, Aaron?”
He stared straight ahead, his jaw tight. “If you’re seeing someone else, that’s fine. I’d just rather you tell me instead of keeping it from me and making Prentiss lie for you.”
Your eyes widened, and you shifted, facing him with one foot tucked under you. “What are you talking about?”
He scoffed. “Is that the party line now? ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about?’ C’mon, Y/N, you think I haven’t noticed? Did you know I did this with Haley? The sneaking around, the phone calls, the secrets? She was horrible at hiding it and somehow you’re even worse.”
It all clicked together for you.
Oh. Oh no.  
His bitter words didn’t hurt you, but your heart ached for the ease with which they left his mouth.
As if he’d said them, or thought them, before.
“Aaron...” you said, reaching for him. He pulled his arm from your touch, crossing them.
Only one way to do this. He’s past listening.
You stood, stomping to your bedroom and digging the box out from underneath your bed and returning to the living room. You’d wrapped it well, with padding, so you had no qualms about throwing it into the couch beside him with a certain degree of force.
He startled, and looked up at you. Tears were threatening, and you were so fucking angry at him.
“Open it.”
Still watching you carefully, he picked up the thin, wide box and set it in his lap. It was beautifully wrapped. He looked down as he gingerly removed the ribbon and opened it along the tape line at the back.
All the air left him in a huff when he lifted the lid and saw what was inside. He completely deflated, and you saw regret flood through him.
You’d spent months conspiring with Emily and all her friends in high places to find an early pressing of The Beatles’ White Album. The one you found was nearly in mint condition – kept safe by a collector in northern London - and cost a small fortune. Aaron’s birthday was next week, and though it wasn’t a milestone birthday by any stretch, you had the idea a year before and couldn’t let it go.
His fingers traced the gatefold cover, the pressing number (under one hundred, thank you very much), and the original apple logo – the signatures of an early copy. His mouth opened and closed a few times, as if he was going to say something before he thought better of it.
You still stood beside the couch, still a little angry and still a little out of breath. You had to admit, though, his awe and shock made your heart swell. It really was a grand surprise, and you probably wouldn’t be able to top it for the rest of your life.
In five years together, grand gestures had been few and far between. It was more than time for something phenomenal.
Eventually, he put the album back into the box you wrapped it in, and set it aside. He stood and crossed to you, gathering you into his arms.
“God, honey, I’m so sorry,” he mumbled into your shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
You let yourself lean into him, pressing your hands to his waist. He tucked his head into the crook of your neck, holding you tight. You wiggled, getting your arms up over his shoulders to put your hands in his soft dark hair. “What was that about, huh?” You leaned back and gave him a watery smile, brushing the stubborn cowlicks off his forehead.
He shrugged, his eyes cast downward, his fingers playing with the hem of your shirt.
“Wait, Aaron, were you serious?” You tipped his chin up with your finger, searching for his eyes. “Haley cheated on you?” Your voice was gentle, quiet. You weren’t about to speak ill of the dead, let alone the mother of your favorite child on the planet, but you couldn’t push down the spike of anger in your belly.
The very thought was incomprehensible to you. He’d never told you.
Aaron shook his head a little, and you were startled to find tears in his eyes. “I never – I never caught them or anything, but there were...signs.” He sighed, and you tugged him so your foreheads met. The space you made together was dark, safe. “Odd phone calls during the day where the house phone would ring, I’d answer, and then they’d hang up, only for her cell phone to ring seconds later. She always took those calls outside. She took her purse and phone everywhere.”
“Aaron...”
He continued, and you listened. “And she was...happier, I guess? Not exactly, but she didn’t put so much effort into fighting. She gave up easier, like it...didn’t matter whether she won the argument or not.”
Though he hesitated through much of his recollection, his voice was even – almost matter of fact.  
“And then she left. And I’ve always thought I had it coming, like I deserved it. I might have. I probably did.” He sighed, and he tucked his head back into your shoulder. “I’m always a little afraid that it’ll happen again.”
You shook your head. “No, love. Never.”
He sniffed, and you continued.
“You are a kind, attentive, and thoughtful partner. Your integrity is beyond measure, and I love the way you pour yourself into your work and take care of our team.” You tangled your fingers in his hair and held him to you. You were nowhere near finished. “You are a fantastic parent. The evenness with which you manage Jack is one of the most admirable things I’ve ever seen. You model honesty and compassion for your son and you do it so well.
“It is so clear how much you care about people, Aaron. You are a blessing to the families we serve. Honey, you’re so smart and so articulate that I sometimes can’t breathe listening to you speak.” He huffed a laugh at that, and you knew it was working. “I feel so loved by you all the time. I know how much you love me. And I hope you know how much I love you. How much I’ll always love you.”
He nodded, and you pressed kiss upon kiss to the side of his head.
“I love you so much.” He raised his head and looked at you, and his lashes were wet. You brushed his tears away with your thumbs. He closed his eyes and leaned into your hands.  
“Come sit with me.” You steered him by the shoulders and led him back to the couch. You pushed him down and straddled his lap, and his hands automatically fell to your hips. There was nothing sexual about it – you just wanted to be as close to him as possible. He wrapped his arms around you as you tucked into his chest.
“I’m sorry I made you think the worst, love. I just wanted it to be a good surprise.”
He kissed the top of your head. “It was a really good surprise. I’m sorry I’m a jackass.”
You laughed into his chest and tipped your head up to kiss the underside of his jaw.
You sat there for a while, his hands tracing patterns along your spine.
Your voice was small when you asked, “Do you like it?”
He somehow managed to squeeze you closer to him before releasing you so you could meet his eyes. “I love it.” He framed your face with his hands, and kissed you. “I can’t imagine how difficult it was to find.”
You kissed the corner of his mouth. “You can thank Emily for locating it.” You looked over at the box. “It came all the way from London, and arrived just a couple of days ago. I had it shipped to Emily’s so you wouldn’t suspect anything, and I had to be in touch with the seller fairly often in the last couple of weeks.”
He felt like a class-A moron. He just looked at you, completely dumbstruck. “What did I do to deserve you?”
You shook your head and took his hands in yours, kissing them before holding them to your chest. “I could ask you the same question.”
tagging: @arganfics @quillvine @stxrryspencer @agenthotchner @wandaswitxh @hurricanejjareau @fics-ilike @octothorpetopus @ange-must-die @ughitsbaby @rousethemouse @criminalsmarts @dr-reid-ismyspiritanimal @shrimpyblog @genevievedarcygranger @ssaic-jareau @saintd0lce @good-heavens-chris-evans @davidrossi-ismydad @angelsbabey @gublergirls @writefasttalkevenfaster @venusbarnesmb @vintagecaptainspidey
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harristops · 3 years
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I will preface this one last thing here: I know this is me projecting the relationships I have been around the most growing up and into today and yes I am aware that not all relationships are like those and I really do need to talk to a therapist about this (in the US and can't afford therapy atm because uninsured ✌🏼) lmao and I don't blame you not to post this, because I already know its not great.
But what worries me about people (not you in particular but people in general) defending relationships be it any relationship to the death and saying oh this person wouldn't do this if you follow them you know this. Is exactly what I heard about the relationships I've been around the most growing up and because we TRULY have no idea what happens behind closed doors, those relationships seemed so wonderful to outsiders looking in, mind you not on social media either but they ranged from emotional and mental abuse (one was actually physical and not a single person knew until years later, which isn't unusual) to just plain toxic to a person dating someone in my imitate family for about 6-7 years and then telling them at the end that they didn't love them just the thought of them.
So yeah I know not every relationship is like those I've known in real life but thats why I personally can't say anything definitive about any relationship online or in person. Sorry about this ask again. Hope school is going well!
Actually this is a really fantastic point and please don't apologize for posting your ask!! It took me some time to digest it but it's actually a bit of a problem defending a relationship we know nothing about. Like we don't know who AK and Ash are as individuals, we only know what we know about them through what they post and what they do for the public. Behind closed doors we don't know what anyone is like - and ofc not saying that they're bad people or that we should assume they're terrible behind close doors, but every relationship has its' issues and we aren't seeing the full picture with them, therefore defending their relationship to the death or saying that "oh they're perfect they're never splitting up" or "___ would never do that to ___" results in some iffy speculation considering we don't have much context to anything. They're just sharing pieces of their lives that they are allowing us to be privy too, but not the entire thing. It's what I was talking about with that one anon, that all the people that have been around since they first started up have a different perspective of their relationship that people who just follow them now do. Like they shared a bit of their lives, their pasts, struggles/etc., but a lot of it was speculation on our part back then (e.g., the break up of 2011, the depression stage of 2016) - we had no idea what was happening or if they even broke up at that time or if they really did go through anything during 2016 - it was all speculation based on what they were sharing or saying at the time. But I feel like some people (myself included) got drawn to certain aspects of them and almost internalized those aspects so again, it wasn't so much they were defending Ash entirely, but also themselves in a sense.
Idk if that makes sense, but what I'm trying to say is that you raise a really good point about how we view relationships - famous or not - in a very biased way. We want to defend our favs but sometimes we lose objectivity in the process because we don't want to admit that sometimes someone else might not be doing the right thing or that there are issues when it comes to objectivity. I also appreciate you being brave and posting this non-anon because that is very hard to do! And for being so kind and thoughtful in your articulation.
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beautifuldarkmind · 3 years
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tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)
Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.
Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.
When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)
Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).
I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.
Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)
Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.
I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.
It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.
Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.
I hope you’re having a good day. <3
- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)
So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.
It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...
If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!
If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.
I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀
but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕
I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌
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nicknellie · 3 years
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Hi I’m the anon, ironically my Tumblr crashed as well mostly because I’ve been switching between screens so some of this I will have to re-write as well (sorry if some of this isn’t as articulate)
I completely forgot to mention the acoustic guitar in my last comment but I will do that briefly.
I need to hear long weekend immediately honestly that and crooked tooth are probably some of the top songs I have for my season two wishlist.
Also yes, I feel like the boys are just completely prepared to do unsaid Emily whenever Luke is feeling upset so when he pulled out the acoustic guitar, Alex was ready to start playing that song however he was totally unprepared for what Luke was going to do. All the boys burst out into tears however Bobby and Reggie started crying first because Alex was starstruck just because I think a tiny bit he was expecting them to kick him out because I don’t think that he was expecting his parents to react that badly so he just didn’t know what was going to happen. (Offended boys and a promise that will never happen, maybe around the time that the crossword and hat were made)
Their songs definitely were very personal and talked about very personal experiences to them so I think another reason why the boys were so hurt was because by not only taking the songs and not giving credit that they had written them it felt like another way that he was erasing them from his life.
Yes, they definitely bounce ideas off of each other just before a band practice (also randomly at 4 AM because Luke had inspiration and wanted to write with someone). Honestly when Julie said that I thought that she just meant that he was running out of songs to use however I like your theory much more. Definitely agree, and he just wasn’t able to write that way, either for the fact that immediately he would burst into tears or he would just fail. (I was also thinking that could be the beginning of the realization that what he did was wrong)
Wow, I completely did not think about that but yes Mitch definitely set up some sort of charity in honour of Luke (honestly I was thinking something like charities for homeless teens due to the fact that the boys had ran away and or some thing like the Trevor Project in support of Alex). Trevor/Bobby would definitely either donate to them a lot or randomly promote the charity.
I saw a comment a bit ago that was talking about how there should be Alex‘s version of Unsaid Emily and now that’s all I want in my life (also it be really cool to see Reggie‘s version because another reason for me to burst into tears).
I kind of mentioned that earlier as well!! But I definitely think that Alex thought that his parents wouldn’t react as badly as they did (maybe not how Ray would but not as badly as they did). I completely agree and it would be so amazing to just see that process because like unsaid Emily not only did it make Emily feel better but it helped Luke put down all of the things he never got to say. This is so sad but yes I agree to all of that, also for some reason I keep thinking that Alex could play acoustic guitar or at least some version of the strings because all of his friends do (he picked up on that maybe after so long of helping write those parts ect) and I can just see this song being another acoustic one.
Honestly I think you took the words out of my mouth, it would’ve been so hard for a teenager to deal with that also as he got older he had Carrie and he probably didn’t want her to have to be exposed to that as well as his sprouse. I do agree, also I just feel like it’s one of those things that for them it will be hard to show any kind of sympathy just because it feels like such a short time to them so it’s hard to think about that. Also it would just be easier to hold onto those feelings of hurt then ‘oh yea 25 years has passed in like a day for us’
Brain cell- You articulated that so well and I agree, while Alex was more so the mom friend and wouldn’t let the rest of them do something that dumb, Bobby was always the one who would be able to think rationally and give good advice (also Bobby would go to Alex for advice)
Honestly he is so spiritual, I could just tell basically the same way as you, I feel like just like with Alex and not being able to completely processed that he is a ghost, Bobby wouldn’t be able to process the fact that they are ghosts.
Yes, Reggie has so many scrapbooks (also just randomly a notebook filled with not only commentary about Star Wars but anything he can find related to Star Wars) (another notebook is made after death and two pages are rage about them killing his favorite character and a page about what is a Jar-Jar)
Yes, you would get photos developed (don’t really know much about it sadly) and honestly I could see both Alex and Reggie being really into photography but Reggie likes the developing and everything else while Alex only likes taking pictures. (Also could explain why Reggie likes Ray so much because I believe Ray is in some sort of photography kind of business but in general Reggie just loves what he does for work)
Okay, so I just thought of Reggie having photo shoots with the boys and just randomly in the day a photo shoot would happen (also he takes pictures of everything that he likes and have too many of his crosswords and stuff)
Reggie did keep everything, however it was Alex who kept the playbills and posters from gigs and would give them to him (they are saved in a photo book somewhere), also you’re completely correct he had a scrapbook for every single event honestly if they ever go through the loft, half of it’s just going to be taken over by scrapbooks (although Luke teasing him about that, he would be the first one to give Reggie more scrapbooks)
I don’t think that they’re materialistic (just on the topic of clothes and stuff) however I feel like these few pieces remind them of each other and in some ways or how they show their support. I do think that the fanny pack was a gift from them (for some reason I keep thinking about them having a secret Santa and Reggie (or boy of choice) giving it to him because although he doesn’t need it anymore his old one needed to be replaced and as we know Alex hates change) Yes!! That’s definitely Luke’s item (also Luke at some point took the original pink hat because Alex was using the one with a flag more often then not)
So I was thinking about Bobby and during their performance of now or never you can see that he has some sort of wrap bracelet on his arm (not entirely sure of what it is but I think that it’s a bracelet) and I think that possibly the boys made it/bought it for him
Trevor wears a necklace and I’m just now picturing this being in memory of Luke, Alex, and Reggie. (Because he wears like three just for reference, it’s the one that has a stone and is the shortest one if that makes sense)
That was definitely their roles, and I remember reading a story where Bobby was the one who booked the Orpheum and I can’t just not picture it now. Also after Bobby and Alex figured it out everything they settle down for a big group cuddle and watched Luke’s favorite movie (hear me out, it’s Grease because Luke is in love with Summer nights) and because Luke couldn’t say no to Reggie‘s puppy dog eyes they watched Star Wars.
Also Bobby tended to handle those meetings because Luke is not a negotiator and can be very indecisive (he is the type who would change the set list about an hour before they had to perform), Alex would be too nervous also would bluntly call them out for something if needed which sometimes wasn’t helpful and Reggie would talk about how much he wanted pizza randomly (also Reggie does the numbers because if you bribe him with pizza then he’s the greatest for that job).
I am so glad you made that meme because that is exactly what I was thinking of and I wasn’t sure if I had articulated it well!!
And yes for sure!! I’m totally fine with that, honestly some of these were just theories that I had before and this conversation has developed them so much so I don’t blame you at all.
Ahh hello!! It sucks that Tumblr decided to crash on us both but I’m glad I got to find out who I’ve been brainstorming with! I literally love all of this we’ve done, seriously, it’s amazing.
I’m going to add the rest under a keep reading thing otherwise this will get unbearably long 😂
Ok so as I’m writing this it’s like quarter past eleven at night and this could take a while, so I should go to sleep but I’m literally desperate to answer this so sleep can wait.
And YES like Alex sees Luke whip out his acoustic and gets his drumsticks ready, but Reggie just yanks them out of his hands. Luke says, “This one’s for you, Alex,” and proceeds to sing the sweetest song ever with just as much love, passion, and devotion that he pours into Unsaid Emily. They’re all sobbing by the end, and I totally agree, Alex is crying less than the others because he’s mainly just shocked that they care so much about him. He knew the band loved him but he always had his doubts about the extent of that love (they all shared these same doubts sometimes but for different things). Seeing Luke put his heart and soul into the song and Reggie and Bobby crying over it made Alex sad, yeah, but also just shocked by the entire situation. When he tells the guys he wasn’t sure what they would do when he told them you’re so right, they’re completely offended, but the comment just makes Reggie cry even more because how could Alex not know how much they love him?? Group hugs ensued, plus reassurances, and YES that was definitely when the other Mission: Support Alex ideas came about.
Exactly! To Bobby it probably seemed like he was telling their stories and making them known, but he never counted the fact that they weren’t ever mentioned by name within the song and he didn’t mention them, so he wasn’t doing much for them. I think you’re right, that would’ve hurt them even more - to put all that work and effort even into simply getting the words onto the page just to have it almost entirely erased? Yeah that would’ve sucked.
That 4 a.m. thing - it’ll usually be Bobby who Luke goes to. Luke will have thought up a song or a rhythm or whatever and Bobby is a bit of an insomniac. He hardly sleeps and spends most of the night making more jewellery for his friends (or another thought I just had: writing poetry?? I feel like Bobby would be so good at poetry, but again he’d lose it as he got older because he lost his source of inspiration: the boys). Alex is always telling them both that they need to get more sleep because they look half dead but neither of them take any notice because midnight song writing sessions are fun. SO when he’s older and his songs aren’t as good he also tries staying up all night to think of songs like he would’ve done with Luke, but YES like you said he just couldn’t do it. He would cry or just not be able to make himself finish because even after twenty-five years it’s too painful. It could easily be when he realised what he’d done wrong, that he shouldn’t have been trying to make music without his band in the way he had been, by using their stuff instead of his more original things or without crediting them.
I totally can get on board with Trevor making his own charity too! Like he creates a safe space with trained professionals to help any teens going through a rough time; there’s specialists from everything and Trevor makes sure there’s always someone to help with children with difficult home lives (for all three of them) and LGBTQ+ kids (for Alex). He donates to any charities that would have helped his brothers in their time of need, and promotes Mitch’s charity all the goddamn time.
I’m about to go off on a major tangent but if I word it well then it could be something good so we’ll see how this goes. We know nothing about Bobby’s parents, but I’m going to assume that out of all the parents Mitch and Emily were the most approachable even though they didn’t support the band. The boys were all quite close because they were simply lovable people. So Bobby stayed close with them after they died. We know it’s canon that he also stayed close with Rose (because Julie and Carrie were friends). What if one time he was talking to Rose about Luke’s parents and she mentioned that she wanted to meet them. Bobby checked with Mitch and Emily that it was okay and a few days later he brought Rose to see them. Rose gushed about how Luke and the band were some of the most talented musicians she had ever seen, how they would have been great, how Mitch and Emily were able to be proud of their son. It provided a lot of comfort and closure for Mitch and Emily that day and they never forgot Rose’s kind words. They asked what her name was because they wanted to look out for her in the future - she said Rose Molina because I 100% headcanon that Ray took her surname when they got married or the whole family took it after she passed away. Anyway, fast forward twenty-five years and a girl shows up on the Pattersons’ doorstep. Mitch answers the door and can’t help but thinking she looks incredibly familiar. She introduces herself as Julie, and when Mitch asks to double check her name she says she’s Julie Molina and Mitch can’t figure out where he’s heard that surname before. He and Emily only figure it out once she’s left and lots of tears follow when they realise that Rose Molina and Julie Molina, related in a way they don’t know, have been their godsends, the ones to bring them as close to their son as they’ll ever get again.
I need Alex and Reggie’s versions too! There is so much to be explored with their backstories and songs would just be absolutely beautiful. You mention Alex playing acoustic guitar or some string instrument and I love that so much!! I think he only knows a few chords that Luke painstakingly taught him but it’s enough to strum out a song. Also, in the background of Unsaid Emily I’m like 95% sure there’s violins, so although Alex was very clearly playing drums in that scene I’ve now decided to believe he can also play violin, he just doesn’t like it as much. Maybe his parents encouraged him into it but it was never really his thing.
Yeah, it’s so important to remember Bobby/Trevor’s family as well. He wouldn’t have wanted Carrie to grow up with a father who was surrounded by all manner of rumours and he wouldn’t have wanted accusations pointed as his partner either. And you’re totally right, it would be hard for the boys to get into the mindset of considering how long it’s been for each of them - it bugs me how they hardly even really react to being ghosts (except Alex) so I think if they’re hardly bothered by that then they wouldn’t be able to comprehend how time has passed. I don’t think that made any sense but it’s quarter to midnight so that doesn’t matter lmao
Yes, Bobby would go to Alex for advice because he was the next most sensible. That kind of just turned into them talking the problem over though - speaking about it with Alex helped Bobby reach his own conclusion so it was sort of like offering advice to himself through Alex.
Reggie having entire scrapbooks and notebooks dedicated to Star Wars is sending me. He writes down anything he can think of, anything he finds out, all of his thought processes while watching them. He doodles the characters in the margins along with his favourite quotes. After the rage about the killing of Han Solo there’s a whole shrine-like page dedicated to him, saying how much he loved him. Reggie low-key had a crush on the character, potentially his bi-awakening. The page about finding out what a Jar-Jar is ends with a very angry statement about not liking Jar-Jar.
You’re so right, I think Reggie and Alex could bond over photography so much. Alex takes the photos, Reggie gets them developed, they both look at them for the first time together and everyone’s happy. I reckon Reggie got a Polaroid camera (idk if those were in the nineties lmaooo) and he loved watching the picture show up before his very eyes.
I could totally see Reggie wanting to be a photographer if the band didn’t work out. He would have really enjoyed getting to go to new places and take more photos to keep as memories in yet another scrapbook. I love that he could connect to Ray through that, and it shows how he knows Ray’s photos have “good composition”. He loved doing photoshoots and was Sunset Curve’s unofficial photographer. He took the photos for their CD covers (except any of him which were done by Alex) and he would just snap pictures of them whenever they were together. Some of his best were casual candid photos of the ever-photogenic Luke.
Alex kept all the stuff purely because Reggie would be so excitable on the night of a performance that he’d forget to take any of it with him himself. Alex would hand it to him the next day and Reggie would practically jump up and down with happiness.
I’d love to see Julie going through his old scrapbooks! There’d be Reggie looking over her shoulder, pointing everything out and telling her what was going on. There’d be funny stories to go with every photo. They find a few photos that never got stuck in - they’re of Alex, Luke, and Bobby which meant Reggie was the one to take them. They quickly realise they were taken on the night of their Orpheum performance, which means Bobby went and got them developed himself to keep the boys with him but maybe it was too painful to keep the photos so he left them in the loft. And Julie notices Rose in the background and realises that her mum did know the boys and I’m gonna have to stop this before I make myself cry.
I think you’re right, they’re not materialistic, it’s just certain clothing has a sentimentality to it. I love the idea of them doing a Secret Santa even though there was only four of them. Bobby knitted the gift each year, no matter who he was making it for which made it obvious who the gift came from; Reggie was really good at gifts because he’s observant so knows what his friends want or need; Luke and Alex are both pretty terrible and would go to the two boys they weren’t getting Secret Santa gifts for to ask for advice. Luke taking that hat was the beginning of them all basically having a collective wardrobe. Nobody knew whose clothes were whose really.
I think the boys so could have made that bracelet for Bobby! If I’m thinking of the right one it’s not as complex so it’s like they could have tried their best but not been quite as good at making jewellery as Bobby himself. I can also definitely see him wearing the necklace in honour of them - after he lost the motivation to make his own he bought one that was a similar style to what he’d have done and decided it would have to do.
Yes omg definitely! Successful gig bookings were followed by movie nights. Luke is obsessed with Grease - actually any musical. The way he is lost for words after watching the Other Side of Hollywood screams that he is obsessed with shows/show-tunes and something upbeat like Grease would be right up his street. He loves Summer Nights, Reggie loves Hopelessly Devoted to You, Alex likes Grease Lightning, and Bobby likes You’re the One That I Want. None of the band can say no to Reggie so each time they end up having a Star Wars marathon. None of them except Reggie are really that invested but they’ll do it to see him smile.
I’m totally here for Manager Bobby and Accountant Reggie to accompany Writer Luke and (hear me out) Originally Choreographer Alex. I think it would be so cool if originally they were meant to have big dance numbers that Alex was going to plan but they quickly realised that was really hard with their instruments.
Ok I think that’s everything. I have been writing this for an hour and it’s quarter past midnight but you know what? No regrets.
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bi-men-positivity · 3 years
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Hey, sorry I haven't been too active here for awhile. Under the cut, there's a bit of a ramble just talking about stuff I've been thinking about in terms of this blog. Don't worry, I'm not leaving, but some things might change.
I don't know exactly what's happened, honestly. It could be correlated to the fact that since I've made this blog, my focus on my sexuality has drifted from my bisexuality to my aspecness, as, overall, I do feel like that impacts my sexuality more than being bisexual does for me. It could also be correlated to discourse I accidentally landed myself into a couple of times, because I was a 16 year old (literally had JUST turned 16 when I made this blog) who didn't know how to properly handle things like anon hate, and am very poorly articulated and thus didn't know how to properly explain myself either. (I'm 17 almost 18 now, I'm still quite young, but I feel like I understand how to better handle these things in the future.)
But I don't wanna leave this blog either, I have 400+ followers on here, and, you know, I'm still a bi mlm. I still wanna provide a place like this for other people like me, because, 2 years later, there's still a significant lack of things for us mspec mlm (though it has been getting better to be fair). I want to make this blog more active, because we deserve better.
Writing that reminded me of another thing I've been thinking about. My url is "bi-men-positivity", but like, while in my bio while I specify I'm inclusive of all mspec and nonbinary people, maybe I should make my url more inclusive too. I'm unsure of what to make it though. "mspecmlmpositivity" could work? Though it's kinda long, even without the dashes. But I've also been "bi-men-positivity" for like, almost 2 years now I think? Time has really flown by huh.
But then it's like... my blog has drifted away from what I had initially planned a little bit. I intended to make positivity posts for mspec mlm, and reblog positivity posts for mspec mlm. But then yeah, my focus kinda drifted away from this blog, and kinda being bi in general, and now for at least a year this blog hasn't really focused on positivity, and I've more just reblogged any post that I've found on my dash that relates to either being mlm and/or mspec. So can I even really call this a "positivity" blog? When it's more just about being mspec and mlm in general? Maybe you guys can leave ideas in the comments for potential urls.
But yeah. I should probably make more original posts here as well, I don't remember when the last time I made an original post on here was. And that was a big part of my initial view of this blog, making original posts, and opening up submissions so people can write up stuff for this blog too. In retrospect, asks as well would be very good for people who just wanna talk about their experiences and want my input (as long as they keep in mind that I'm only 17), or want to make a "submission" but want to stay anonymous. Like you know those "x-culture-is" blogs? I don't want to make this an "x-culture-is" blog, but maybe it could be a similar format, where people just talk about whatever they wanna talk about in regards to being mspec mlm (or at least anything relating to being mspec or mlm that could include mspec mlms).
There's some other things which I wanna mention relating to this blog, but this post is long enough, I think I'll just make another post later about it. But I'll say, I'll probably end up making a pinned post at some point.
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bellarnyblakc · 6 years
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let’s stop running from love
For anon who asked for bellarke finally having a quiet moment to process the fact that they’re both here.
Bellamy and Clarke don’t wake the others from cryo-sleep immediately, and instead use these few minutes of peace and quiet to talk and attempt to resolve all the things that are broken between them. explicit, 3.9k, [ao3]
Jordan slips out around the same time they stood staring at the sunrise of the second sun over their new planet, their new home, their new chance. Bellamy looks around in concern, but before he can make to follow Jordan, Clarke grasps his hand in hers.
“Leave him be – he needs a few minutes.” She urges, and she can see Bellamy’s conflicting feelings, his heart telling him he shouldn’t leave someone who was in pain, and his head telling him that Jordan needs time to process. Slowly, he nods and the tension in his shoulders abates slightly even as the redness in his eyes doesn’t disappear. “So, what now?” she asks, slightly breathless from the sheer impossibility of it all.
“We wake Raven,” he says decisively. “She’ll know how to get us down.” Clarke tries to ignore the flare of hope at his words. We, he’d said and maybe he didn’t mean it the way she did in her thoughts but maybe, just maybe, he did. Maybe his we was the same as hers, the two of them together again. Partners and companions despite everything that had come before.
“How do we tell them all?” she wonders aloud, hoping he’ll put the tremor in her voice down to this overwhelming path in front of them instead of her yearning and hoping for them to be okay again.
“We’ll figure it out. We always do.”
“I guess first we need to figure out how to open the pods.” She takes a bracing breath and makes to go back to the cryo room.
“Wait,” he says, and this time he’s the one who grabs her hand. “Just. They’ve been asleep for a hundred and twenty-five years. What’s a few more minutes? Let’s just be -” he trails off but she immediately understands the desire for a few more uninterrupted, peaceful minutes of no responsibility before they faced whatever was down there.
“Be what?” she prompts with a smirk. Lazy, she thinks he’ll snark back, but when she looks at him, his eyes are full of a myriad of emotions that makes her heart clench and arms ache to pull him to her, if only to let him know that whatever he was going through, he wasn’t alone. Bellamy, who had closed his eyes for what felt like only a moment and opened them again to find out two of his closest friends had lived and loved and died while he was asleep.
“Let’s just be Bellamy and Clarke for a bit. No sides; no wars; no decisions; no betrayals. The way it was always meant to be.” She feels hollow at his words, longing for a universe in which they could have been normal, with nothing pulling them apart over and over. It’s almost incomprehensible, how easily she’s able to imagine a happier life with him and how much she mourns the way it could have been, should have been when her relationship with Bellamy has been nothing except full of trials and tribulations.
His eyes are boring into hers, searching and hesitant and her whole body feels wound tight; the air around them electric; the two of them just waiting for the lightning to strike.
She swallows and looks away, edging away from the precipice she’s become so familiar with since meeting him. There’s still too much between them, too much uncertainty and hurt that they’re both holding back. She feels, rather than sees, his sigh and casts around desperately for something to lighten the mood.
“Funny,” she huffs a laugh, “Longest sleep I’ve ever had and I feel like I could use a nap right about now.” All traces of melancholy hidden, he grins at her; boyish and charming and something aches in her stomach for all the time she lost with him in which to watch him grow and evolve into the spectacular man he is today – time she’ll never be able to get back.
“Come on.” He pulls her by the hand back to the window and settles down on the cold metal floor, her hand still in his resting on his thigh, sending warmth all the way down her arm to her whole body. They sit in contemplative silence for a few minutes.
“Do you think we’ll be better, this time round?” she asks quietly despite her previous disinclination to talk about anything gloomy, she can’t help but seek reassurance that he still has hope that they won’t make the same mistakes and underneath that; a subtle, unspoken question of whether they both will be able to find their way back to each other across the chasm of misunderstanding and miscommunication and six long years apart that had opened up between them.
“We have to. For – for Monty and Harper and everyone else we’ve lost along the way.” He says earnestly. “We have to. We will.” He pauses to swallow and glances at her from under his lashes and answers her “We have each other.” She nods, and this time even her natural cynicism can’t dampen the flare of hope she has for their relationship to mend and take them back to when they trusted each other implicitly.
The silence between them is companionable and easy, despite everything unsaid and hanging in the air. She’s able to study him for the first time since he returned; the indentation between his brows has smoothed, his shoulders were more relaxed, his movements freer and less tight. The mantle of responsibility still lay heavy his shoulders but the blame he used to carry had been shrugged off. The darkness in his eyes had gone, and though there is deep sorrow, there is also a brightness to his gaze that hadn’t been there six years ago, a galaxy unveiled in his tired eyes.
“I really am sorry, you know.” She murmurs quietly, half hoping he was too preoccupied in his thoughts to hear. His gaze catches hers and the vulnerability in them makes her breath catch in her throat. “There wasn’t enough time to – to think. I had to protect Madi.” His thumb strokes across her skin, giving her the strength to carry on and let her walls down. “I didn’t think Octavia would actually…” he gives a sardonic, bitter laugh.
“Yeah, bit of a hard pill to swallow when the sister you’ve given up your whole life for sentences you to death.” She can hear the undercurrent of anguish in his voice and she can’t stop herself from surging to him and taking him in her arms, bodies pressed together, her nose resting in the hollow of his throat, his head resting on the crown of her head.
“You deserve so much better than her.” She says fiercely, slightly muffled by the warmth of his bare skin. “You deserve…” she trails off, unable to find words to articulate just how incredible she thinks he is. “You deserve the world.” She finishes lamely, aware of how meagre it is, but the way his embrace tightens around her, like no one’s ever told him this before makes the hole in her chest widen. God, she wants to press her hands to his chest and push all the love she has for him into his skin so he will never forget it. “You deserve someone who adores you and knows what an incredible man you are. I hope Echo is that person for you.”
He clears this throat awkwardly and pulls away from her slightly, hands settling on her shoulders.
“Actually, Echo and I broke up.” She makes a small, shocked noise, searching his eyes for any sign of pain, feeling wretched for the wave of happiness and relief. “It just wasn’t working. Not with… everything else.”
“Oh, Bellamy. I didn’t know.”
“It is what it is.” He shrugs, and pulls her closer again. “Everything changed when we got to the ground.”
She tries not to let this knowledge change anything, but she can’t help but be hyper-aware of every point of contact between their bodies (of which there are many – she’s practically sitting in his lap). That same feeling of electricity hums under her skin and she grows hot when his hands brush the small of her back.
“I still can’t quite believe you’re here.” She says in a whisper, and hesitantly brings her hand to cup his jaw in the same place that – just a few short days ago – she had slapped. His rough stubble abrades at her sensitive palm. She can’t help the thrill that goes through her as, despite herself, she imagines what it would feel like on other, more sensitive parts of her.
“Madi told me you used to talk to me on the radio.” His voice is gentle but even so, her face burns at Madi laying her soul bare for him to see. “God, Clarke. If I’d known you were alive, I wouldn’t have stopped til we fixed that radio. I’m so sorry-”
“No, I’m the one who should be sorry…” He places a finger to her lips, quieting her and she looked at him in surprise.
“Don’t apologise again. We’ve both done things that we would take back if we could. We can’t change the past, we just have to make a better future.” She swallows as the magnitude of his words hit her. He was granting her – not forgiveness, exactly – but a chance to prove herself to him and earn the trust that he had already given back to her.
In the light of the two suns, Bellamy’s eyes are sparkling, the golden light revealing flecks of amber. His eyes dart to her lips and self-consciously, she licks them, watching as his pupils blow wide.
She wants to lean forward, let their lips meet. She’s tired of fighting this magnetic pull between them but she doesn’t want to ruin the fragile, tentative balance they’ve found. If it was a choice between having Bellamy in her life as friends, or not having him at all, she’d choose his friendship every time.
“Clarke,” he breathes, and his voice is shot. Clarke has to dig her nails into her palm to ground herself, remind herself of all the reasons that this shouldn’t happen. But, Echo was out of the picture now and even though they’d both hurt each other more than they’ve ever done before, after laying it all out in the open, she knows it was never a question of whether they would find their way back to each other, only whether they would take the long way round or the short way. There was nothing in this world – in this universe – that would keep the two of them apart, not when they had both proved time and time again that they would fight their way back to each other through battles and betrayals and heartbreak. Bellamy was right, all they needed was a bit of time to just be Bellamy and Clarke.
But it was her who would have to take the first step, the first risky jump into the unknown. For all the times that she’d taken the first step away from him, all the times she’d turned her back and left him, it was her turn to take that first step towards him.
She presses her lips to his so gently it’s barely more than a brush of skin. She pulls back and stares at him searchingly. His hand comes up to cup her head and he pulls her back in for a deeper kiss, lips opening under hers, tongues sliding against each other desperately.
“It’s not too soon after Echo?” she asks against his mouth as she breaks away for air. She can taste his chuckle as he presses soft kisses against the corner of her lips.
“It’s been a hundred and twenty-five years, Clarke.” He murmurs. “And six years before that, and God knows how long before that.”
“Really?”
“Of course, Clarke. How could you not know?” and she did, she does. Six years ago, she knew without a doubt that he felt the same as she did. Six years ago, she saw the same love and admiration in his eyes that she felt in her chest every time she looked at him. Six years ago, she thought they would have had half a decade for them to reach their inevitable conclusion and their new beginning. But six years happened and so much had gone wrong after their reunion. She can’t help the burn in the back of her throat at the incomprehensibility that he’s loved her through it all, just as long, just as deeply as she does him. She burrows her head into the warm skin of his neck before he can see her eyes growing red.
He can sense her tears and nuzzles into her hair.
“What’s wrong?” he urges.
“I just… I love you.” She confesses, like it was ever a secret. His fingers clench on her waist and he brings one to tilt her face up so he can kiss her again, deep and searing.
“In case it wasn’t obvious, I love you too.”
Clarke draws his lower lip into her mouth, sucking with enough force that it makes him shiver and groan. His hands work their way under her shirt, deft, calloused fingers exploring the divots of her spine.
“I want this off.” He murmurs distractedly as his lips map out the expanse of her neck. He growls when her fingers twist tighter in his curls and she barely pulls back enough to let him wrestle her top off her.
Her heart beats unsteadily in her chest as he gazes at her, full of adoration and openness. She wants to say something, wants to tell him everything she’s kept locked up for so long, but no words will do justice to the enormity of her emotions, so she just pulls him to her again and locks his lips in hers, nibbling and licking, trying to pour the depths of her love into his mouth so he will taste it.
He hauls her onto his lap so she’s straddling him, wrapping his arms around her like a vice so tight she almost can’t breathe. She feels close to tears again, not quite able to process that he’s here, he’s in her arms and she can touch him like this.
“I love you.” She repeats, stroking the dimple of his chin affectionately and her eyes are so soft and so blue and heartache and happiness bloom in his chest. He can’t find his voice to return the sentiment so he presses a light, lingering kiss to the swell of her breast, right above her heart. He mouths his way to her nipple and takes the bud of it into his hot mouth over the threadbare bra. He sucks lightly and she arches into him, unable to quell the moan that slips out.
Suddenly, she needs to feel Bellamy’s skin on hers, needs to feel the reality of his presence, let his skin burn itself into hers and she tugs at his shirt until he lifts his arms obediently for her to toss it away.
Softly, like he’ll disappear if she touches him too hard, she traces the lines of his muscles, swallowing his huff as she traces over his nipples and mesmerized at the way his abs twitch under the gentle scratch of her fingernails. When she reaches the soft trail of dark hair under his belly button, he takes her hand and presses it to his lips, not quite kissing, just holding it there so she can feel his breaths, coming unsteady and shaky. His chest feels hollow and full all at once and he wonders how he can feel such contentment and sorrow at the same time.
“I missed you, so much. Every day.” And really, there is nothing she can say to that. She missed him too, so much she ached with it but he knows, and she knows and now all there’s left to do is to speak out loud everything that was raw and bleeding inside them so they could heal.
He runs his hands gently down her arms and up her torso, over the swell of her breasts, mesmerized by the soft skin of her and she sighs dreamily against his mouth. He can’t help but rock up into her, seeking friction and her sigh turns into a gasp as she feels his hardening cock against her centre.
“Bellamy,” she whimpers into the skin of his temple and he silences her with a scorching kiss. His hands snake around her back to work at the clasp her bra and he pauses to pull it away from her body, air leaving his lungs in a soft whoosh as her breasts are bared to him, nipples flushes and beaded. When he meets her eyes, his gaze is tender and soft and something in her heart feels bruised with longing.
“You’re gorgeous.” He mutters as his teeth nibble the sensitive skin, hard enough to leave a mark “I can’t believe I get to…” he trails off, closing his mouth over her nipple and caressing the other between his finger and thumb, watching her expression to see what she likes. Heat builds between her legs, the slow working of his hands and mouth not nearly enough sensation for her. She bucks her hips against him, feeling him hard and hot underneath her.
“Bellamy, I need – I need –“ she rocks faster desperately searching for the right angle to soothe the ache between her legs, but Bellamy places firm hands on her hips to slow her movement.
“Shhh, s’okay. I’m gonna take care of you.” He breathes.
She bites at his chin, hoping the dirty flick of her tongue over the cleft and the hard sucking will encourage him to speed up, to lose control a little but when her hand snakes down to dip below the waistband of his trousers and jerk him off, quick and hard, he grasps her face in his and peppers kisses lightly over her jaw.
“Wait, let’s just…” Bellamy trails off against her temple, unable to express what he wants, but she slows down and searches his eyes and seems to understand anyway. He wants to savour this moment, wants to etch it into his memory, wants to catalogue her every gasp and moan and shiver, wants to memorise exactly where he should touch her to make her twitch against him. He wants to hold her in his arms and never let go, he wants to climb inside her and make a home for himself in her chest, like she has in him. He wants to touch and touch and be touched and pour every ounce of himself out for her to see. He wants so much he burns with it.
When he looks up and meets her eyes again, he has to bury his nose into her heaving chest, breathing in her scent, unable to face the raw honesty and love. He busies himself with tracing a path across her collarbone with his tongue instead, sparks racing down his spine as she rubs his scalp with her fingertips.
They kiss again, a slow, sweet slide of tongues, biting and sucking. He lets himself get lost in her again, the slow roll of their hips keeping pace with their kisses, the friction maddeningly sweet; too much and yet not enough at all.
Soon, Clarke can’t stand it, the pressure between her legs too much to bear. She kneels enough that he can pull her leggings down. He ducks down to nose at her bellybutton as he does so, then dips his tongue inside so that she gasps with it. She has to do a weird, awkward contortion to remove her leggings completely whilst not breaking contact with Bellamy, but when his fingers brush over her wet cunt, she grasps his shoulders and dips her forehead down to rest on his. His fingers circle her clit, and she keens, low and lingering, keyed up so much that even just his gentle touch makes sparks fly behind her eyelids.
“I want your dick inside me.” She gasps as his fingers just barely dip into her entrance. She urges him to lift his hips so she can slide his pants down and when his cock springs free, she takes a moment to trace the vein with her fingertips reverently. His harsh gasp punctures the air, hand flying to her hip leaving a smear of her own wetness on her skin and she lets herself smile, meeting his eyes.
He pulls her to him again, resting his head in her neck, feeling her pulse against his temple. I’m here, I’m here, I’m here, I’m alive, it beats against his skin, and God, he thought she was dead for so long, but she’s not; she’s here in his arms, alive and warm and soft and pliant under his hands. If his eyes grow glassy with tears, she doesn’t mention it, just presses a soft kiss to the tip of his nose as she positions herself over him, hovering, the head of his dick just barely brushing her centre.
“Clarke,” he exhales, that one word loaded with so many things she can’t begin to comprehend.
“Bellamy,” she responds softly, and sinks down on him, taking him completely.
She’s slick and tight and mind-numbingly warm. His mind blanks out for a second. Her arms wrap around his neck, fingers tangling in his hair and he just wants to hold her and never never never let go.
“God, you feel so good,” she pants and jerks her hips so that he drags inside her.
They find a rhythm, her barely lifting off him enough for him to thrust back, instead just soft rocking of hips so he’s nudging a spot inside her that makes her vision spotty. She clenches around him and he moans with it, biting his lip to try and regain some semblance of sanity as she murmurs his name like a prayer.
Clarke begins to lose track of time, lost in the grind of his pubic bone against her clit and how the head of his cock is angled in just the right way to drag against her in just the right place. Her vision begins to grow hazy, her awareness narrowing down to just them, just this; Bellamy’s heavy breaths against her neck, his arms banded around her waist, holding her impossible close, the slick of sweat and her own wetness between them.
Her orgasm creeps up slowly, a fire in her belly that grows and grows until it encompasses her whole body, warm and slow like syrup. She’s clenching around him, breath stuttering in her chest and it’s drawn-out so much that she doesn’t know when it begins or ends, only that it grows hotter and more intense when she feels him twitch inside her, spilling out into her while his hands press so hard into her hips she knows they’ll leave marks.
They stay joined for a while, nuzzling into each other, basking in the afterglow. When she lifts off him, Bellamy hands her his t-shirt to clean off and then raises his chin expectantly with half lidded eyes for a soft, lazy, satisfied kiss, and they dress languidly, grinning at each other stupidly as they hand each other pieces of clothing.
“We’re okay, right?” she prods once they’re standing next to each other fully dressed once again. He tugs on a loose, sex-mussed strand of hair and nods.
“We’re okay.” He promises. “We’ll all be okay.”
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old-long-john · 7 years
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(1/8)Oh my good golly gosh darn, Laura!!!! I would drown in your words if I could. That bit from your unfinished fic, I'm in awe. I am completely smitten with your interpretation of Silver. I wish I could articulate a response to your answers besides !!!!! (Also you're a saint for humoring me.) I could listen and talk to you about John Silver all day. You touched on some really good points in previous answers that I didn't acknowledge, so I'd like to address some of them now because wow.
You do such a good job unpacking the minutiae in each scene, but then I feel the need to further explicate your meta because you bring up so many brilliant points. 1.“Funny that Silver’s learnt so much shit from Flint, except that allowing yourself to be blinded to rationality and truths is a ruinous mistake.” God this ties in so well to our discussion of Silver believing his own bullshit. It’s almost as though he learned the wrong lesson from Flint and became more accomplished at lying to himself as the story goes on. Or perhaps those untruths just kept piling up. 
So very true. Honestly, I think so much of it is due to Silver letting himself get too comfortable in the little bubble he’d created for himself. And I feel so awful for him, because it was always going to have to pop in the end. He’s always been so good at reading people and at manipulating situations for his own gain, and he seemed to be incredibly honest with himself (and others) about his own failings and limitations, and those things are fine when nobody depends on you and you don’t depend on anybody else. But as soon as he developed loyalties and relationships, and with them wants and needs that he couldn’t provide for himself alone (love and friendship and respect), it suddenly wasn’t very convenient to be honest with himself about his own shortcomings or the things which the only two members of the John Silver’s People Club would value as more important than him. Because I completely believe he valued(/still values?) them more than anything else in the entire world. It’s such a horrible imbalance to face honestly and accept.
2.“Not much slips by Flint” lmao except a big cache full of gems on his own damn ship. Sorry I just had to bring that up. I feel like that was one of those leaps of faith the show expects us to take, and I just can’t. I still can’t believe Flint didn’t know the cache was on board the Walrus.
Mm, I know what you mean. Though I can make it work in my own head. Flint is such a micro-manager, but he has been far more relaxed this season in general. I mean, he went off on his little Fortress B&B break with Eleanor and trusted Silver to make everything work in his absence, with no plan given. But that’s part of the problem. Even if Silver was wrong about Flint’s investment in their friendship, and in his assertion that it was only a convenience insofar as it helped him to use Silver to have things done his way…Flint kind of still did that, a little bit. Flint loves him, I have no doubt, but he put so much faith in the idea that Silver would see his way as right and fall in line that it made him blind to the daylight that was growing between them. He was still doing it on that damn island when he was talking to Dooley. I can buy that he didn’t know the chest was on board, because he truly hadn’t made room in his head for the possibility that Silver would go against him in that way. So he let his plan fall into place, as his plans always fell into place with Silver by his side, without noticing that Silver wasn’t with him in the way he thought. Poor Flint. Like we said, speaking of masters of blinding oneself to dangerous truths…
3.“I wonder though how much he was motivated by pride in that moment, or anger, or even just vulnerability.” Honestly Laura just let me rEST. You have a Flint-like way of cutting straight to the heart of a scene or action. We (you) covered Silver’s vulnerability (god so vulnerable–remember when he left the hilltop when Flint asked about his past? He sounded SO young and broken as he went gosh. I’m pretty emotional over his emotions.) but I really want to address the others. Because I actually had some thoughts concerning his pride. He always made a point to set himself apart from the men and claim freedom from Flint’s influence (“You will account for me;” “I don’t believe in him”). I think once there was a break in their relationship (once daylight could seep between them) all Billy’s and Hands’s warnings fueled his determination perhaps to disprove them or maybe just to prove to himself that he can still hold his own with Flint and not be moved, even to the point of ignoring logic (John, why :’( ). And I’m thinking these conflicting, complex emotions feed into each other? Like maybe the anger also stems from the vulnerability, the perceived betrayal–is a reaction to being hurt. Anger is an easy emotion, and to someone who is new to emotions like Silver, I imagine it’s simpler to embrace. I mean, remember his face at the end of the episode? He’s so in love (romantic, platonic, whatever I don’t care); he’s in awe of this thing between them. This is his first (at least that we see) important relationship. The feelings are mutual, that’s what he says, and for him to feel like Flint broke his first foray into attachment, of course he’s going to be hurt. 
I suddenly have that scene from Pride and Prejudice playing in the back of my mind and it’s the worst. (”Perhaps these offences might have been overlooked had not your pride been hurt by my honesty…”, “My pride?”, “…in admitting scruples about our relationship…”, “…from the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realise that you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.” *cue sexual tension so thick you could spread it on toast*) Oh, pride. You know, come to think of it, we were told right at the beginning of the episode that pride should not be a thing that ought to come between them at this point, and I imagine that wasn’t accidental. 
I think you’re completely right about the influence of Billy and Hands’s words. However that pride is framed (either being for Silver’s own peace of mind, or to prove the point to them), having that ‘mistake’ seen by them, and commented on constantly, must have had some effect on his impulse to prove he could even the score and show just how very invulnerable he really was to Flint. I think he’s probably almost as angry with them for pointing it out and making it ‘a thing’ as he is with Flint for giving rise to it. I’ve wondered a lot, actually, just how this season would have gone without the corrupting influence of Hands. He really has been an evil little snake, whispering the things that should only ever have been thought by Silver, not said aloud. I suppose that was his purpose really. To give voice to those things that we as the audience needed to hear, but which wouldn’t normally be spoken. He’s almost been as much a narrative device to show Silver’s state of mind as those S3 dreams were for Flint. 
What you say about Silver’s complex emotions feeding into easier ones, like anger, sounds exactly right too. I’ve been kind of viewing Silver as a bit of a teenager in a lot of respects this season, and that fits in with that view. Flint was totally his first foray into attachment, yeah, and Silver does definitely love him in his way - he’s basically experiencing his first break up, and it’s a brutal, world-shattering one. He’s so inexperienced with feelings (seemingly deliberately, as one of those suddenly inconvenient lines of defence - fuck do I empathise with him there), and so like a teenager his reaction to big feelings that he doesn’t know how to quantify or cope with is to boil them down to easier ones, like anger and hurt, and to express them through spite and cruelty and self-pity. He’s a goddamn mess, but I don’t think he’d know how to stop everything from spiralling, even if he wanted to. Flint might though, if he’d only stop raging long enough to listen to him. 
(And don’t even get me started on Luke Arnold and his freakish ability to de-age himself by about 10 years in the blink of an eye. He’s looked and sounded so young several times this season, and every single time it’s broken me. I could write a whole essay just on that.)
One final thought I had regarding the narrative of Flint and Silver’s relationship is that though they frame it as the war vs Madi, as soon as Flint took the cache, the conflict became him vs Madi. And the fandom had some compelling arguments that the writers weren’t going to be that predictable, but they really were and. That’s probably the most disappointing. Like I didn’t find the episode disappointing but this season as a whole, while not bad, has not been up to parr. Anyway sorry for the incoherent jumble. But I truly love how you process Silver. 
I’ve had this thought too. All of last week I was worrying that there would be no rug-pull and that their division really would be as simple as it seemed, and I was ready to be so disappointed by that…but then episode 9 was so damn good that I kind of forgot to be annoyed. And I still can’t quite find it in me to pick holes yet. I don’t know how it will all stand up to rewatches, but I agree with you, I think. In comparison to most tv, S4 has still been something special (in my eyes), but there have definitely been things that seemed a little rushed or contrived. I suppose the writers felt that they didn’t have enough story left for two more seasons, but what they had was still too much for just one. Perhaps a final season of 12 or 15 episodes would have worked a little better, and given all the storylines and relationships a little more space to breathe. As it stands though, the thing I’ve always loved most about this show is the characters, and I think for the most part they’ve been as well written and thoughtfully developed this season as in the past three, so I’m willing to overlook a few more bumps in the storytelling than normal. And I’m just so glad that the pieces have finally fallen into place for everyone else to ‘see’ Silver again too, because it’s started to feel a little lonely in the John Silver Defence Squad lately. 
This got ENORMOUS. But I’ve had fun answering it! I am not ready to let these pirates go. :( I think they’re going to live in my head for a very, very long time. (I’m at least 40% John Silver at this point. Maybe more.) Someone carve ‘Know no shame’ on my tombstone, please.
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