with liz (the bafflingly well regarded) gone and charles (the unambiguous shit bag) in her place. with a tory party frazzled and tearing in different but equally unappealing directions and truss posed to roll back environmental protections (fracking) and the like

with pakistan in decimated by the undeniable human tragedy of man made climate change

with the war in ukraine and subsequent oil shortages highlighting just how dependant, complicit in, and beholden too russian politics and big oil interests we are

with the labour party an anaemic shell of what it could be

with insulating britain being the no-brainer option

with nhs teetering on the brink of total collapse

with pro-union sentiment, pro-disruptive strike/protest action sentiment, and pro-fucking strong intervention on cost of living sentiment on the popular rise

it just feels like, ok, we on the same page now? can we actually get on and some fucking politics and change some fucking shit. like are the liberals or the leftists jaded into inaction on the same page? tear it down. what have we been waiting for? 

No more bloody royals. No more elite creeps. No more waiting for someone else to go and do it. Every fucking pound spent on the charade of enforced mourning and subsequent coronation that isn’t spent on helping the neediest this (, and, let’s be honest, next) winter is a crime. Every penny spent on anointing another idiot in chief in a stupid crown that could have been spent on new green infrastructure, feeding the hungry, devolution, education, healing from austerity or in anyway for the good of us so called citizens is barbaric. 

Natter #3 24th June 2020

So, on  Saturday morning, I took part of my breakfast (yogurt) from our backup  fridge in the garage, but when I put the first spoonful in my mouth I noticed that it was warm. Strange that. So I checked the fridge and found that everything in it was warm. The freezer contents - weren't.This was a disaster as I had been to QFC a couple of days previously buying frozen and fresh foods including four half gallons of milk. Jean had been out the day after for the first time in 12 weeks and part of her haul was more milk and ice cream.I imagine that the excitement of being out again at last and back to her old stamping grounds overcame memory. So here we were rushing around trying to save what we could by rearranging everything in the kitchen fridge and then trying to close the door.The old fridge was possibly down on refrigerant and I was a bit annoyed for a brief moment until I remembered when we bought it. It was when we lived at the 'old house' way back in 1970 and it was already a year old when we got it! My word - 50 years old. I should have remembered as it's color is 'Harvest Gold' which hasn't been seen on store shelves in donkeys ages. I tend not to date things by color though, as modern colors mean little to me - 'Taupe' for instance means less than nothing. My lexicon runs in terms of the spectrum. But forgetting it's date made me think back to those 'Old House days' and what we were about then. Those days and other old days that preceded that time.  My memory of 'then' is perfectly clear  - it seems just like it was yesterday even though I know how long ago it actually was. So many friends and relatives who are no longer around to share those times with, One of the things that have remained constant is our phone number. Of course, then we had an exchange name -  Adams 2, which has now been transmuted to numbers - 232, and I think doing this has lost the feeling of romance that it seemed to have for me. When I was a kid many of our dairy and grocery items were delivered to the door by horse-drawn carts - very few people or businesses had a sufficiently high priority during the war to have a petrol ration. Mum had joined the "Co-op" for convenience and of course, there was the benefit of a bonus payout at year's end. I loved these horses and would meet them outside and feed them apples, carrots and whatever else I had to hand. Still firmly in my mind is the Co-op number I had to recite to the driver when we had milk or groceries delivered - 157376.Being horses they would leave proof of their passage along the road and my Dad would pay me a shilling per bucket full of 'Golden Apples' as my Dad referred to this natural function It seemed like it was too demeaning a job for a full-grown adult  and using his term was sort of distancing himself from the unpleasantness.It used to embarrass me a bit too, but you couldn't argue with the reward. it was all grist to the mill, and it did do the roses a power of good. In 1956, I had been out of the RAF for a year and had also just recently returned home from a  very long sojourn in hospital, and my Dad was persuaded, against his will, to have a phone installed. Phones were not then usual to find in most houses and my Dad's reluctance was based on the very real belief that his company could too easily find him at inconvenient times. I told him that it was an absolute necessity in that day and age and so at last it was installed. Our phone number was Fairlands 4725 and as I said, I remember the old exchanges with affection. Others in our neighborhood were Derwent and Vigilant and my favorite Aunt had the best I always felt - Silverthorn - lovely. The Fairlands exchange was essential to me as when I was discharged from the hospital I had left behind a lovely German nurse with whom I had developed special feelings.When I had become sufficiently fit to allow me to leave the hospital and walk around the grounds, I used to collect any outgoing mail from other patients who were still confined to bed and take it some distance up the road, through the snow to a mailbox. Just to make sure I would be okay, Irmgard, for such was her name, would accompany me and we would find a need to indulge in long hugs and exchange lip locks - just to keep the cold at bay you understand? Shared bodily warmth is a great way to defeat the weather! Later, returning to the hospital, which had been a big old private house standing in its own grounds, we would split up at the circular drive with a last goodnight kiss. Irmgard would go round to the kitchen door and I would go the other way to the front door. Knowing that our companion runs were our secret, I was surprised to find the youngish Matron just inside the door. With a twinkle in her eye, she asked if it was cold out and I acknowledged that it was. She told me that I should be careful that I didn't get chapped lips, but then added that lipstick was a sovereign remedy - and departed with a grin. So much for secrecy! Irmgard's phone exchange name at the hospital was Coombe Wood - not exactly what might be termed 'romantic' but association made it so. Our association was quite intense and a forthcoming proposal, whilst welcomed, was at that time impossible for Irmgard to accept. Her sister was soon to marry, another Englishman and they would be returning to England to live after their honeymoon. She would not leave her parents alone just like that. She had been sent to England for a couple of years to improve her English and was soon to return home to Bad Canstatt, just outside Stuttgart. As I was about to return to my studies we were parted and unlikely to meet again any time soon. So our contacts were limited to letters and very rare and expensive phone calls and so the Canstatt exchange also lives brightly in my memory. Unfortunately, long-distance relations tend to strain circumstances and over time our contacts became less and less,     Sometime later I reached a point where I was able to take a trip to the Continent. I wrote to Irmgard to tell her that at last I was able to come over to see her, not being really sure of my reception as I hadn't written for ages.Within days I had a reply and although she was totally delighted that I was coming she told me that she had become engaged. I couldn't really blame her as I had been very lax, but she wanted me to come and meet her family when I arrived. She was really very good and took me all over the city and ended at her parents' home in the evening to a party for her sister and new husband, just returned from their honeymoon on Lake Constance. It was a really nice evening and I got on very well with her parents, but of course, I didn't like her fiance at all! After all this, although I had been given her brother-in-law's name and address back home I was never able to contact him. I would love to have kept up to know how her life proceeded. I still have her framed portrait photograph she sent me when she had first returned home, inscribed "Zur stehten Erinnerung" Deine Irmgard. I have been occupying some of my evenings on the computer lately sorting and printing out the Natters that Jo & Tom and Janet have been good enough to get to me. As they all seem to have been listed well out of order I am busy trying to see what I have and what might yet still be missing. The job has been compounded by the difficulty I have experienced in opening the Flash Drive. Sometimes it allows me to zip along, opening files, but then will stop and nothing will work. Next day I try again and I am off to the races again. But I am getting there slowly and tonight (Monday) I completed taking off hardcopies, Now I can sort through, putting them in chronological order and see what I shall see. Much more later, but there seems to be nothing before 2012 so I guess that was when I started. As I mentioned last Natter I have been attacking Lily of the Valley and I am almost finished - at least with what was visible. Along the way, I have also removed Sword ferns, Cedar seedlings five feet high and Jasmine. The Jasmine was an insignificant rooted cutting, from where I have no recollection. It had been placed in a pot on the ground and had been overgrown by all sorts of stuff and over the last year had gone nuts. It was to be used at the Plant Sale and now there are five separate plants threatening to strangle you on the approach to the greenhouse so of course, they have to go. The final gap in my deer-proof fencing was completed a week ago but I forgot to mention it to the deer and my hostas have now been browsed off on three separate occasions. As soon as it looks like there might be leaves on Empress Wu that might be reaching terminal size, they disappear and I am beginning to think that I will have to curtail totally growing the items they obviously consider their personal snack bar. 'Doesn't really leave much selection but at least, so far, my cardiocrinums don't feature on their menu. 'Have to be grateful for small mercies I suppose. One good thing has come out of this. My neighbor (ex MG Jill) who has allowed me to use three raised beds to grow veg, has been getting worried that I might fall from the area where the raised beds live - on a raised part of the garden with a six-foot-high rock wall as it's western boundary. She sees me stepping back to admire my work and then bailing out over the edge. So she is having a large bed prepared at the bottom of the wall, which will be enclosed by a deer-proof cage. It will also benefit from the heat held by the rock wall - all sorts of interesting possibilities there. She is a good friend. So next year we might actually be able to eat something we have grown. 'Haven't been able to do that for the last four years now, except for Onions and Garlic! Got started on removing existing plants today and I think it was the hardest day's work I have done for ages.I had to have a nap in the afternoon, but I couldn't tell whether that was because I had two early start days or the sheer grind of lifting heavy plants.You have likely realised that I am just stumbling along here so I will finish and get to bed.

Your fearless and weary leader.Gordon

Three Rules (A. Black smut)

So this is my entry for my own Winter Time Challenge! My prompt was “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” I chose Aleister Black and went with a bodyguard! AU. This was a mess to post and I hope you guys like this!

WC: 6.4K words (I AM NOT SORRY EITHER)

Warnings: smut, fluff, angst, slight choking, mentions of drugs, mentions of stealing, death threats, slight fingering, FxM sex, there’s so much going on, angst man, mentions of using a knife during sex,

For years, I had been running from my past, trying to avoid the inevitable. I guess paying off debts that you didn’t acquire yourself could be a pain in the ass. My parents were drug mules for the Mafia and when my mother discovered that she was pregnant with me, she and my father knew what they had to do: escape the Mafia without their knowledge of my existence.

However, my father decided that he needed to take a huge risk in order for them to make it on their own without the help of murderers and drug traffickers: he stole twelve millions dollars. And with that money in hand, they moved halfway across the world to the States, where I was born and raised. However, that did not deter the Mafia for searching for their missing drug mules and their stolen cash.

Eventually, at the ripe of sixteen, my parents’ fate had caught up to them and they decided that it was time for them to explain what was going on. That conversation did not go as well as they thought, especially when someone began slamming their fist into our front door, screaming for us to open the door.

“Mom, I don’t understand! What’s going on!?” I demanded as my mom dragged me out of the house, handing me a large backpack. She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and rushed out,”It’s all in the backpack, sweetheart! Now go! Run!”

She was right. She and my dad left an entire notebook dedicated to what happened led up to these events and they confided in me that even if they were dead, that their former employers would hunt me to the ends of the Earth. And so began my quest for a new life, Mafia free. Once I turned eighteen, I changed my name and Social Security number, got new legal documents and a few years passed. But really, can you ever outrun your past?

“Oi, Sugar, are ya sure that the Pipsqueak can take this?” Marty Scurll, one of the men in my battalion, asked, lifting his tightly clenched fists. I gave an unimpressed look and replied,”If you’re too chicken shit to hit the poor kid, Pigeon, I’d be happy to take your place.”

“C’mon man, don’t make Sugar get up! They’ll kick my ass worse than you could ever dream of!” Adam Cole whined, rolling his eyes. He was one of the newest of our sector and while he was built, he still needed to prove his worth for this battalion.

My comrades had this thing about calling me Sugar because I was “anything but sweet.” Their words, not mine. We all had different code names but since we were special ops, we often carried our names off the battlefield. We were currently stationed in the Netherlands and it had been one of the easiest tours that I had participated in, minus a small problem that we encountered a few months ago. Luckily, English was a second language for most citizens and even if a person didn’t speak my native tongue, I luckily knew how to speak theirs.

“Hey, Sugar! Got a couple strangers approaching the borderline.” Naomi, my right hand woman and one of the best sharpshooters, called down to me. I snapped my head up and clicked my fingers at Scurll and Cole, announcing,”Man your battle stations. I don’t want anything slipping through the cracks.”

The two rushed to gather the rest of their companions and get to their positions as I climbed up the ladder leaning against the cement wall. Naomi pulled me up the rest of the way and I gave a questioning glance to her, only to receive a shrug. I stared down at the small group of people approaching the wall then shouted down at them,”Halt! State your business!”

Dark eyes narrowed at me and the man leading the pack replied,”British Interpol! Are you-“

“Toss up your badges and then we’ll answer your questions.” I snapped, crossing my arms. Naomi clicked her tongue disapprovingly but I merely shrugged in response. It was a fifteen foot wall and I couldn’t wait to see what these people would do.

Three badges came flying at my head and I caught one, Naomi snagged the second, and poor, unsuspecting Adam who was climbing up the wall got smacked in the face by the third.

I investigated the detail of the badges then gave a swift nod, ordering,”Let these guys in.” I climbed down to meet the three Interpol agents then shook their hands, stating,”Just call me Sugar. Everyone else does here.”

“So you are them. Great. Listen, is there any place that we can talk? Privately?” Dean Ambrose, the blond and the tallest questioned. I pursed my lips and shot a glance over to Sonya, who was looming over my shoulder, then she nodded in understanding, backing away to meet Liv at the dining hall.

“Yeah, just follow me.” I entered my separate room in the bunker and settled on my bed as I said, ”Well, what kind of fuckery have you three brought to my little squadron?”

“The Mafia has officially put a hit out on you. Your CO has ordered you under protective custody.” Roman answered, crossing his arms. I bit down on my bottom lip, knowing that they weren’t lying, then I mumbled,”Fantastic. Does that mean that you guys are my protective custody?”

“Not quite. We’re just the delivery boys. Aleister Black is the man you’re going to be stuck with until this thing blows over.” The third man, Seth, stated, giving a shrug. I gave a quick glance out of the window, staring at my friends, then asked quietly, “And what of my battalion?” Dean flicked his lighter, staring into the flame anxiously as he answered,”We’ll keep a close eye on them. Wouldn’t want any casualties on our side.” He was obviously an ex smoker so I pulled out my pack.

“You want a cig? I keep them in case I’m feeling extremely anxious.” I offered, opening my pack then held them out. His fingers twitched and he gave a slow shake of his head. He had quit recently and it showed too. I flicked the pack lid shut and tossed it back on my bed before I said, “Alright, I respect that. Does that mean that I need to pack?”

“Yes, it does. You leave in the next forty five minutes.” The time slipped past and luckily, I was familiar with quick packing. Dean entered the bunker and gave a quick knock, stating,”Time to go. We’ve briefed your squad and they understand fully.” I gave a small nod and lifted my bags, only for Rollins to scoop them from my hands, almost dancing to their SUV.

I raised an eyebrow at Roman who shrugged in return as he informed me,”That’s just Rollins for you.” I gave brief goodbyes to my comrades then joined Seth in the back seat, with Dean driving and Roman riding shotgun.

“So how long have you guys been partners?” I asked, curling into myself in instinct. Dean’s blue eyes flickered up to meet mine in the rear view mirror and Roman answered my question,”Seven years.” I hummed at his response then Ambrose clicked a button on the dash, sending music flooding through the vehicle, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

We settled into sweet silence and when someone would know a song, they would begin humming along, occasionally singing underneath their breath. We finally arrived at the airport and I gave an inquisitive glance to the three men then Seth hopped out, popping the truck to grab my bags.

“Where exactly am I supposed to be going?” I asked as Roman, Seth, and I entered the airport while Dean parked the SUV. The man set my bags and rang the small bell setting on the check in desk as Reigns answered, “Black is sending you back with us to the States. We’re drawing out the Mafia, hoping to slip them up. Once we get back to Florida, you’ll be handed over to him and we’ll return to Britain.”

“And, uh, how long is this flight exactly? I asked, anxiety filling my veins.

“Fourteen hours and that’s without the layovers,” Dean answered, leaning against the counter, “Why, don’t do so hot flying, Sugar?” I let out a nervous laugh and answered,”Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“Great, we’ve got another Ambrose. Rollins, you still got that thing?” Seth shook a small bag and Roman gave an approving nod before handing over his phone to let the attendant scan the ticket information. I bit my bottom lip and asked,”What class are we flying in?”

“First. Perks of it being an emergency situation, sorry for your problem. That and Dean doesn’t do well with being stuck with someone that he doesn’t know. Tends to get a bit fidgety.” Seth informed me, passing my my carry on bag. I gave a small, understanding nod then we headed to security where Roman was pulled out for a random pat down.

“Do we have a problem here, sir?” Rollins asked politely, placing a hand on Ambrose’s chest to keep his partner at bay as the security guard called for assistance.

“We think that your buddy might be carrying.” Roman rolled his eyes and said calmly,”I’m going to reach into my jacket pocket and pull out my badge.” The guard watched with anxious eyes then visibly relaxed as Roman flashed his badge and stated,”Agent Roman Reigns with Interpol. These are my partners and this person is in protection. Sorry for the scare but can we get past now?”

Luckily we boarded the plane with no other complications and I claimed the seat beside Ambrose, who, thankfully, took the window seat. Standard procedure took place and finally, we were in the air. But still, my nerves wouldn’t settle.

About two hours into the flight is when Dean finally snapped and lost his shit,”Rollins, hand me that bag.” Seth passed it to Reigns, who in turn, tossed it across the aisle and the man beside me snagged the handle with two fingers. I watched, confused, as he pulled out a container of gummy bears, giving it a small shake, before he passed it to me then stated,”Here, this should keep your jumpy ass calm for a while.”

“Wait, what are these anyway?” I asked, giving a gummy a squeeze between my fingers to investigate it. Seth gave a small grin and said, ”Don’t worry, antsy pants, they’re legal.” My mouth twitched with my uncertainty then Dean rolled his eyes and said,”Here, I’ll even eat one since you don’t trust me.” He popped one into his mouth and murmured,”Yum, lemon. Now, eat one.” I chose a blue one and after the blueberry flavor faded, a faint after taste hit me and I waved the stewardess down for something to drink.

“What can I get for you?” Before I could answer, Ambrose waved a hand and answered,”Two Cokes.” She gave a swift nod then handed my comrade and I a bottle each before returning to her seat up front.

“Give your little gummy friend about twenty minutes to kick in and you’ll sleep until we reach New York.” Ambrose informed me after he finished off his drink. I raised an eyebrow, taking a swig of my own pop, then stated,”You sound like you speak from experience.” He gave a laugh and replied,”Yeah, something like that.” Ambrose pulled a blanket from his carryon and tucked it underneath his head as a pillow, staring out the window.

Luckily, the Interpol agent was right and my nerves calmed to where I was able to sleep until Reigns woke me up, announcing that we had hit one of our two layovers. The four hours passed swiftly and I watched as the snow settled into the pile that the plow pushed it into then Reigns tugged on my arm, stating,”Time to get back on, Sugar.”

I gave an annoyed sigh and stood, rejoining the trio of men at the departure gate. This time, I was seated next to Rollins and he was thankfully, yet dreadfully more chatty. At one moment, I guess my face had given away a secret emotion that I was feeling because Seth turned away to face the window, tucking his headphones into his ears. Guilt flooded my body and I plucked a headphone out then placed it in my own ear. To my delight, he was listening to Pierce the Veil, a band that I had been listening to since they hit the scene. For the rest of our flight to Atlanta, which was our next layover, we chatted about our love for punk bands and the meanings behind their lyrics. We finally arrived at Florida and the three men led me off the plane, their eyes scanning for the man taking me into protective custody.

I scanned the many people holding a sign then paused when I noticed one man was holding up a sign that read,”Sugar.” I nudged Ambrose and questioned,”Is that him there?” He turned then grinned at the sight of the man before cheering, ”Black!” We joined Black and I took in all the details that stuck out to me.

The first was his eyes: they were a fierce blue, something that showed determination, all narrowed in a no nonsense manner. Then I noticed the beard, neatly trimmed and kept,with a lip piercing sticking out. His hair was long, shaved on the sides then I noticed what he was wearing: a dark suit with tattoos peeking out the sleeves. Dear god, my bodyguard was hot.

“Are you done checking me out, or would you like a few more moments?” Black questioned, snapping me from my trance. He had the smallest of accents then it clicked in my head: he was from the Netherlands. I let out a small squeak of a sorry then he gave a small sigh, taking my suitcase from my hand, and he said,”Thank you, men. I will see you in a week.” I exchanged goodbyes and phone numbers with the three men that I made friends with then scurried to keep up with Aleister, who was already heading out the airport doors.

“Listen, I’m sorry about that back there.” I informed him after we placed my luggage into the trunk of his black Kia Optima. He flickered his eyes towards me as he started the car then he stated, “I have three rules and listen to them closely. One, don’t disobey my orders. Two, stay with me at all times unless I tell you otherwise. And three, don’t fall in love with me and I won’t do the same.”

“Well I’m here to say that I won’t break any of those rules.” I muttered, staring out of the window.

In between the jet lag and my pure exhaustion, I decided to take a brief nap until we arrived at wherever we were heading. When I woke up, however, I was in a room covered up with a soft blanket. I wrapped the blanket over my shoulders and exited the bedroom in search of Aleister.

“Black?” I called out as I entered the kitchen. As I rounded the corner, a note on the fridge caught my eye,’Went to the store, keep the doors locked, I have a key. Please don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

“Even in note form, he has a cold persona. Well, at least he said please.” I muttered, opening up the fridge to see if there was anything inside to drink. Unfortunately there was nothing but milk, so I went in search of hot chocolate mix. Surely he would have some here since it was winter time.

Thankfully he did have some so I boiled some milk and mixed in the chocolatey goodness before spooning the drink into a mug. I settled on the far left end of the sectional couch and gave a sigh as I began flipping through Hulu in search of something to watch. Eventually I chose Disappeared and waited for my bodyguard to arrive, hopefully with food. I was starving.

The sound of the lock turning and the door opening is what caught my attention away from the current episode I was engorged in and I turned to see Aleister enter the house with his arms full of groceries.

“I can help you.” I offered, coming to a stand. He shook his head then set the items on the table before he started to put away the cold stuff. For the next couple weeks, he remained quiet, only talking to me when he absolutely had to. But one night changed our entire relationship. We were sitting across from one another on the couch when his head jerked up towards the stairs, eyes narrowed.

“Get under the table and pull the rug back. Underneath there is a small room. Close the door and the rug will return to its spot. Don’t make a sound and don’t move.”he ordered, pulling a gun from the underneath of the coffee table. I scurried to my place and listened to my thundering heartbeat as the house went silent. Then I heard it: the familiar sound of gunfire. I bit my bottom lip and waited for about ten minutes until someone opened the door to my hidey hole.

“Oh good, you can listen.” Aleister rumbled, helping me out of the room. He hugged me briefly then turned his attention to the pool of blood in the hallway, which was luckily hardwood floor. His mouth twitched to the side then he pulled a mop and bucket, beginning to clean up the mess. I pulled out the dish soap and a bowl before mixing cold water with the detergent then began cleaning the blood up.

“What are you doing?” Aleister asked, raising an eyebrow at me. I glanced up from where I was kneeling and answered,”Helping you clean. Now shut up and keep mopping.” From that day on, our relationship changed from one of a professional matter to a more personal one.

“Black?” I asked as he entered the living room from his room. He turned to look at me and frowned when he saw that I was huddled underneath a blanket with a box of tissues curled up with me. He pressed the back of his hand to my forehead then muttered,”Please tell me that you’re not getting fucking sick on me?” I sneezed in reply and he let out a groan before hopping over the back of the couch then cuddled up to me.

“If your fever doesn’t break by morning, I’m calling a doctor friend of mine.”he warned me as I laid my head on his chest. I let out a small groan then whined,”I’m fine, just a small cold.” His blue eyes narrowed at my insistence then he pressed his lips to my forehead, causing my cheeks to catch fire.

“You’re running fever, can’t stop coughing, and there’s a pile of tissues on the floor beside you. You’re sick so shush up and watch this show. What’s this about anyway?” I explained that Disappeared was a collection of episodes about people who had gone missing all across the United States through recent years. He let out a small sigh but didn’t reply; instead, he pulled me a little closer and continued watching.

By the time morning rolled around, I was ten times worse, now throwing up everything that I had ate for the last couple hours. Aleister gave a sigh and a shake of his head before disappearing out of the bedroom to make a call. After he returned, he helped me into bed and stated,”Don’t move. Doc will be here in the next couple minutes.” Thankfully he was right and someone began knocking on the front door not but fifteen minutes later. He brushed my hair out of my face then left me alone long enough to let in his doctor friend.

“Hey, thank you for doing this for me.” Aleister said as he and another man came into the room. His friend, the doctor, was about the same height as Aleister with hair closely shaven to the scalp and I could see that he had tattoos peeking out. His friend laid his bag on the floor beside my bed then said in a soft tone,”I’m Baron, pleasure.” My eyes narrowed as I attempted to decipher how he had met my brooding bodyguard when Aleister informed me,”Old friends. I figured I’d save you from hurting that pretty little head.”

I balled my hands into loose fists since it hurt to move my body then muttered,”I may be sick but I will still kick your ass.” Black gave me a smirk then pushed my hands down as he replied, ”Good, you’re still a sassy little thing. Now please relax and let Baron do his thing.” He did a regular check up and when he was finished with his examine, he stated,”It looks like you have the stomach flu and a small case of bronchitis. Take it easy for the next couple days, don’t go out in the rain, it’ll only make it worse.”

The doc turned to face his friend then ordered, ”Plenty of fluids, little to no moving, and limit the caffeine. I know a coffee junkie when I see one.” I nodded in agreement and Aleister showed Baron to the door before returning with a bowl of chicken noodle soup. And when he began to feed me the soup, I decided to grumble out,“I feel like I’m five, being spoon fed by my mother.” He pursed his lips then offered, ”I could always let you fend for yourself, make you do everything.”

“I take it back, thank you, Black.” He paused for a moment, just staring at me, before he replied, ”Aleister. Just call me Aleister, alright,katje?” I looked up at him in surprise for the use of an endearment then nodded slowly, answering,”Yeah, okay. I can do that.”

Within four days, my flu and bronchitis flew my body and allowed my immune system to clean away all of the ickiness that might have been left behind. I stared at the shirtless Aleister in my bed and wondered who in my past life did I piss off in order to get this hot of a bodyguard in bed, even though I couldn’t touch him. I brushed his hair out of his face then gave him a small kiss on the cheek before walking downstairs to start making brunch for both Aleister and I.

I plugged in my headphones and began to dance to the first song that came through the miniature speakers as I started whisking eggs together. I completed Aleister’s omelet and just as I poured the next egg mixture into the skillet, a tattooed arm surrounded my waist and another pulled down on my headphones, yanking them from my ears.

“I thought I told you to stay with me at all times. You broke a rule.” Aleister rumbled, his beard rubbing deliciously against my neck. I bit my lip and looked over my shoulder before asking, “What are you going to do, spank me for it?” He paused then slinked away to sit on the counter across from me, his lips twitching once again. I handed him the plate then instructed, ”Biscuits just got done and sausage links are in the microwave staying hot. Make your plate.” He did as I said then settled at the bar, continuing to watch me as I finished my own brunch.

I claimed the seat beside him then opened the jar of salsa, spreading it across the top of my cheddar cheese and turkey omelet. He gave me a questioning look so I jabbed my fork in his direction and ordered, “Don’t knock it till you try it.” He rolled his eyes and continued to eat his own breakfast until I offered up a bite of mine.

“If this is secretly poisoned and you’re trying to kill the both of us, let me tell you this now. I will kick your ass in the afterlife.”he warned before eating the bite. I watched with amused eyes as he let out a delighted groan and he murmured, ”God, this is fucking awesome. Hand over the salsa, katje.” I slid it across the bar to him and continued to eat my food.

We finished breakfast in silence then Aleister’s phone began ringing, the name,”Shield” flashing across the screen. I raised an eyebrow and he answered the FaceTime, Seth, Roman, and Dean coming into focus.

Before Aleister could question why they were calling, I jumped in and asked, “Guys? What’s wrong?” It was obviously not a social call, because they’d call me for that purpose. And judging by the intensity of their expressions, I knew something was going wrong.

“Black, you and Sugar need to get out of that house now! We just got intel that they’re sending in Ricochet for you. Be there in five.” Dean rushed out, half of the audio cutting out. With a swift nod, Aleister ended the call and hurried to the front door, locking the many bolts as I yanked on my slippers then he ordered, ”Reach under the counter and hand me those two guns. This shit is about to get ugly, so I’m going to need you to hide, alright, katje?”

“I-I, don’t know!” He squeezed my face in between his hands then snapped,”Pull yourself together and stay with me on this. Open the kitchen cabinet and slip inside. There’s a false back to it, it’ll lead outside to a small shelter. You’ll hear a series of six knocks, a pause between every two. Open it then. Go now.” I paused at the cabinet and Aleister gave an annoyed sigh, gripping my jaw as he ordered,”Be good for me and go.” I nodded slowly and entered where I was instructed to go, sneaking into the small shed.

I waited with my heart jumping in my chest then finally, heard the knocks come through. I peeked the door open slightly and Dean pulled it open, ordering,”We’ve got to go now. Black has been compromised.” I froze in my tracks, stunned at what he told me, then whipped around, shouting,”What?! You can’t leave him alone in there!”

Someone stepped in front of me and I realized that it wasn’t Dean. It was a short man, shorter than Aleister with his hair shaven to his scalp. He slapped me across the face with the gun in his hand and Ambrose slammed into him, kicking him in the ribs before he snatched me up into a fireman’s carry, taking me out to the SUV where Seth and Roman was waiting for us. I settled beside Ambrose, allowing my head to lean against the window then I heard Seth ask faintly,”You really think Ricochet will kill Aleister?”

Roman smacked his partner’s chest when I let out a soft whimper. Dean squeezed my knee in comfort then informed me,”It’ll all be okay, Sugar.” I fell into the uncomfortable silence until we arrived at a medium sized building with two armed guards outside. I turned to face Dean who nodded in encouragement, the four of us entering the building. A man and woman greeted us at the door and she asked, ”What of Black?”

“Not sure. He sent us away with Sugar here.” The woman ushered me into a room with a small bed and offered,”You’re welcome to take a nap, my dear.” She was British, with dark hair and pale skin. I was in no shape to sleep however.

For the next week, I was unable to sleep. Dean, at one point, forced two gummy bears down my throat so I could sleep for a measly four hours. It was hard. Even though I had only known Aleister for about two months, I couldn’t help but slip into my bout of depression.

But then, the British woman, who’s name I learned was Paige, entered and said,”I think you’re going to want to see this.” I lifted my head and muttered, ”I'll pass.” She widened the door further open and someone else entered as I turned back to the wall.

“Katje.” My head jerked up at the sound of his voice and I sat up slowly when she shut the door, staring at him. With his beard growing out some more, his blue eyes seemed brighter and he wore a tank top and black skinny jeans. I stared at him and whispered,”Aleister?” He grinned at me and I finally snapped from my funk.

“Aleister,”I shouted, slamming into him with a hug, “Oh my fucking God, I thought they had killed you! Are you okay, are you hurt?” He cupped my face and tilted my head back, running his thumb gently over my bruised cheek, then he murmured,”I am so fucking sorry that you were hurt.”

“No, no, stop, it’s not your fault. I’m just so glad you’re alive. God!” I whimpered, squeezing him tighter. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer with a small sigh. And that’s what I felt it. With a nervous laugh, I asked,”Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?” He backed away, releasing me, then pulled a Glock from his pocket. But the bulge in the front of his pants didn’t disappear.

“You, uh, you’re hard.” He licked his lips, unloading the gun, then placed it on the table and replied, “What do you expect me to be? I haven’t seen you for a week, katje.” I licked my lips in response and I said,”If we do this, I’ll actually break rule number three.” He smirked at me, pulling me closer, then asked,”Are you saying that you’re in love with me, katje?”

“Yes, I am, Black.” He yanked me closer and ran his thumb along the waistband of my leggings then murmured,”It’ll be a shame. I usually don’t break one of my own rules.” I wrapped my arms around his neck then pulled him closer as I whispered,”It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone that the big, bad Aleister Black gave into little ole me and fell in love.”

He hummed at my statement then pressed a soft kiss to the underside of my jaw as he replied softly, “I don’t know. Knowing that you're both sweet and kickass makes it a little easier to admit that I’m in love with you.” I shivered at the first brush of his beard and I could feel his grin as he asked,”Oh, is my katje sensitive? This is going to be so much fun.” I bit my bottom lip and informed him,”If you tickle me at all, I swear to God that I will kill you.” He laughed and walked me backwards so we could lay on the bed then he replied,”Don’t worry, I’ll only use it against you every day. Now, how about a proper kiss?”

“After you lose the shirt. I just need-“ He brought me into a tender kiss, tongue working my lips apart gingerly, then murmured,”Shh, don’t think. Just feel.” He slipped his hand up my shirt and let out a soft groan when he realized that I wasn’t wearing a bra, then tweaked my nipple with cold fingers. I let out a squeak and he laughed, pulling away to remove his shirt and my own.

“What a sweet thing you are. Can I take these off too?”he questioned, tugging downwards on my leggings’ waistband. I gave him the nod to go ahead and he gave me another kiss as maybe a thank you, then I pressed my hand gingerly against his cock, earning a moan from him.

“So you’re gonna tease me, katje? I don’t think so.” He clasped my wrists into his hand and lifted them above my head, placing miscellaneous hickeys along my breasts, neck, and collarbone. I tangled my leg around his waist then pulled him close, urging him on,”C’mon, Black, don’t be a bitch. Do something other than a bit of heavy petting.” Aleister bit his bottom lip and his free hand shot upwards, pressing down on my throat as he snarled,”Don’t fucking push me.” I grinned in response then it clicked in his head, the realization of what I wanted hitting hard. He licked his lips and asked, ”Are you sure?” I gave a nod then murmured,”Do it. I can take it.” His hand that was previously holding my hands moved to my hair and he fisted it tightly, warning,”If we do this, you will be mine.”

“Good, something I can get on board with. Now kiss me, you fool.” He pulled me in close and kissed me for a third time,lip ring pressing into my bottom lip, then he pressed his fingers to my clit, letting out a soft groan. I pulled away and breathed, ”You’re killing me here, Aleister. Please, I need something more.”

“Like what, katje? Something like-“ he pushed two fingers inside and I cried out in delight at the feeling but admitted, ”No, something more! Please, just fuck me!” He grinned at me, wolffish almost, and I watched with wide eyes as he grabbed his cock through the material of his underwear, stating,”You want this cock, katje, you’re going to beg me for it.” My thighs and jaw clenched in response then I pleaded softly,” Please, please, don’t tease me. Please, I’ve thought for the last week that you were dead, please, I just need you to fuck me and tell me that it’s all gonna be okay.”

He tugged at his lip ring with his teeth, debating on whether I had done good enough, then pulled his boxers down and threw them into a separate part of the room. With gentle hands, he spread my thighs further apart then he murmured, ”Alright, katje, don’t worry. I’m not gonna leave you again, okay?” I tangled my fingers through his hair and pressed my forehead to his as I whimpered,”I just… I lost my mind when I found out that you had been compromised and I was just so scared that you were dead, I just need you, please…”

“Shhh, little one, it’s alright now. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”he cooed, pressing the head of his cock to my entrance, my hips canting forward for more. He pressed them to the bed and warned gently,”No, be good, katje. I’ll make you come, but only on my terms. Now, come on, stay still for me.” Even in such a tender moment, I knew that Aleister had control of the situation. I nodded then moaned as he finally sunk all the way in. He was thick, much thicker than I was used to and it had been so long since I had been fucked properly. I tangled my hand through his hair and pulled, desperate for him to move, then he pinned my hand above my head, tangling our fingers together with a small smirk.

“There, that’s better. Now be good for me, katje.” Finally, he began fucking me, a deep and moderate pace, not too slow thankfully. But I could see the restraint in his biceps, the ink of his tattoos rippling with his efforts. I lifted my free hand and gave a small grin then pinched his nipple, his pace changing afterwards, “Fucking brat. Just couldn’t accept the pace I set. You want fast, katje?” He slammed into me, the bed rocking with the force of his thrusts, then he slowed it down, asking,”Or so fucking slow that you’ll go out of your mind wanting your orgasm?”

“Fast, please, I can’t take the slow, please, Aleister!” I begged, pressing my leg into his ass as a means of encouragement. He grunted and returned to his faster pace, fingers pressing upwards on my clit, which caused my hips to twist and thighs to tremble. He gave a slow, almost lazy grin then said, “My beautiful little one, so responsive. I can’t wait to tie you to the bed and blindfold you.” I gave a small laugh then replied, ”Yes, I can't wait for that either, but I swear to God, if you don’t make us come right now, I’m going to cut you.”

His blue eyes lit up with excitement at my threat then I groaned as he kissed at my neck, murmuring, “You, a knife, and I in bed sounds like a hell of a time, katje. I’ll write that down for us to do.” I rolled my eyes and said, ”While that does sound like a great idea, I still want the two of us to come.” He let out a laugh and nodded in agreement, pinching and rolling my clit between two fingers, finally pushing me to my orgasm. He groaned as he pulled out and I watched, enthralled, as he jerked off, desperate to come himself.

With a groan, he came on my stomach, head hanging low. I licked my lips then he rolled away, wetting a washcloth in the bathroom, before returning to clean me up. He wiped timidly at the mess he made then tossed the dirty cloth in the laundry basket, curling into me.

My eyes fluttered shut and I didn’t even realized that I was crying until I felt Aleister wipe my tears away from my face. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and murmured,”Shh now, katje. I’ve got you. I am not going anywhere, do you understand me?” I gave a timid nod then he pressed up on my chin, giving me a kiss, before Aleister stated,”Say it for me, katje, so I know you understand.”

“You’re not going to go anywhere.” He nodded then cuddled into me before he murmured,”Well, at least rule number one wasn’t broke.” My eyes popped open at his statement then a slow grin stretched across my face, only for him to shoot me down,”If you break that rule, I’ll make sure that you won’t be able to sit, especially after we discuss limits and safe words.” I smiled and allowed myself to flutter into sleep, content filling my bones.

Selfish (m.)

Warning: Jungkook Smut

Word count: 4,116

Selfish. Jeon Jungkook had always been peculiarly selfish, despite him having a brother. You guess it was due to the fact that Jungkook had always been the younger one, though.

But besides selfish, Jeon Jungkook was also cocky.

“How long do you think it'll be before she comes over and asks if we're a couple?” You looked up from your bowl of jjajangmyeon to look at him. He fixed his hair to cover his forehead perfectly. You hated that he always wore it like that. But he always claimed that it brought along the ladies.

“What, Coconut Head?”

Jungkook rolled his eyes, scrunching his nose up slightly. He could be so cute sometimes--when he had his mouth shut. “Y/N, you never listen to me. I said, that girl going to come and ask if we're dating, so don't ruin my chance.”

“When have I ever?” As if on cue, the girl crosses the room from her booth to your little table. One of her friends had joined her--probably for backup.

Jungkook’s grin was wide, and he seemed ready to pounce. At 19 years old, he's probably already “had” a bunch of lovers, so much so that he could compete with Hugh Hefner. Of course, that's an exaggeration.

“Hi,” the girl started when Jungkook didn't say anything.

“Hey.”

You couldn't do anything except for your face with noodles and watch the exchange happen. But soon enough, even Jungkook stole that from you.

“You're not eating?”

“Yes, I am. I was letting her eat some.” Jungkook reached over and slid the bowl to his side of the tiny table and used the chopsticks to shovel the bean noodles into his own mouth. Both girls watched in awe, because somehow, even the way Jeon Jungkook ate was handsome in its own way. You could never understand. You really only saw him as your next door neighbor anyhow, if you could even call yourselves that since he was only your neighbor during the school breaks.

Now, you were both 19 and lived in the same apartment complex just for the sole purpose of college.

“Her?” The other girl, a bit taller than the interested one, gestured to you. You couldn't help but snort at her impolite action, but nevertheless, you didn't initiate anything.

“Is she your girlfriend?”

Jeon Jungkook - 2. Y/N- 0.

“No, she's my friend. Don't mind her.” Jungkook stood abruptly and slipped a bill onto the table while shrugging on his jacket. You didn't stand. You'd learned before that this was his way of saying goodbye until the next week. “Did you want to talk? In private?”

“Uh, yes.” The girl let her hands run through her hair once before leading Jungkook to the front of the shop, leaving you to stare at the little note in disbelief. He’d left you to pay the bill. Again. Not that it was much of a deal since you would only pay for your meal, but you began to wonder what happened to all those IOUs.

You let out a breathy sigh and stood, taking out some money from your wallet and leaving it on the table. There was no need to finish your meal because Jungkook had already done it for you. You were grateful that you and Jungkook had only gone a small way away from the apartment complex, because as it turned out, he'd taken the car.

Your eyes followed the table the girl had come from. There were three other girls, including the backup one, and three boys. None of them looked too happy to be there. But it wasn't your business. You continued to walk towards the exit, but someone stopped you in your tracks.

“Hey, uh, aren't you that guy's girlfriend?”

You looked up to see an orange haired boy, his smile bright and wide.

“Who?”

“You were just sitting with him.”

“That Coconut Head? Not my type,” You frowned.

“Oh. So then, what is your type?” His lips began to form a smirk and you couldn't help but giggle.

“Are you trying to flirt with me?”

“I might be. Depends on…”

“On what?”

“Your type.” He began to lean against the doorway, but that didn't last too long.

“Move out of the way!! Aish, people are trying to come in!” A hostess glared at the both of you, making you aware of the small line of people gathering behind the Orange haired boy.

His face lit up with a blush and he sidestepped. You followed suit, raising an eyebrow.

“I...uh..”

“Not so confident anymore, huh?”

“That embarrassing,” he turned to catch an old man’s wink. He rubbed the back of his neck, causing his turtleneck to shift.

“How about we continue this later?” You held your hand out for his phone and he shoveled it out before placing it in your palm, but it didn't stop his confused expression.

“Continue what?”

You laughed and insert your phone number. “Talking about my type. Text me…”

“Hoseok.”

“Hoseok,” you smiled before waving goodbye and continuing back to the apartment.

A week later, you had gotten to know Hoseok pretty well. You and he texted a fairly good amount and even ended up calling each other some days. Jungkook would always ask who it was, but you never said anything.

You and Jungkook were currently sitting on the couch in your apartment, playing a game of some new co-op game Jungkook picked up. He was winning, which was no surprise, but it didn’t make you, the inexperienced gamer, feel any better. You were just about ready to give up. Jungkook could even sense you were about to throw a fit, and a smirk grew on his face. Before any damage could be done, however, you could hear the familiar marimba ringtone of an iPhone.

Jungkook was the first to move, and he patted the area beside him and in his pocket to feel for his phone, knowing it was probably some girl he’d recently met. But somehow, in the midst of confusion, your phone ended up pressed against his ear. Your eyebrows furrowed together, mirroring his own expression.

“Who is this?” Jungkook said, and you couldn’t tell whether he was asking you, or the person on the phone. You blinked once. Twice. Said nothing,

“Nice to meet you, man.” Jungkook stood up, his expression unreadable. He turned away from your curious glare and walked towards the small kitchen, continuing the conversation. When he finally did come back, a good ten minutes later, he was tossing a bottle of water in the air. “That’s your new honeybun?”

You cringed. “Don’t say that. And he isn’t. I met him when you ditched me at the noodle house.”

“I didn’t ditch you.” You rolled your eyes and faced the television, using the remote control to change the channel to something you preferred.

“He’s coming over, Y/N.”

“You invited him here?”

“Yeah; I have to see if he’s suitable enough for you.”

“What are you, my dad? My brother?”

“You have to have standards, babe. Come on, now.”

Your eyebrow twitched as the pet name escaped his lips, and you turned to him. “Babe?”

“I’ve never called you that before?” Jungkook acted as if this was normal. He had never called you that before; all his nicknames for you ranged from ‘bunny’ to ‘you’, so this exchange was especially a revelation.

“No.”

Jungkook didn’t say anything after that, but sat on the other side of the sofa and stared at the television, farther apart from you than before. He opened his bottle and began to drink from it, and you watched him gulp, his Adam's apple bobbing with each swallow.

The doorbell rang, and you were forced to go and answer it, assuming it was Hoseok. Sure enough, with a glance through the peephole, it was him. You opened the door, and he launched forward, engulfing you in a hug. You stumbled back because of the force, but before you could fall, he released you from the embrace and set you steady.

“Hey,” his grin was wide, and you instantly felt a little warmer. He was like a little ball of sunshine, always happy. Over the week, whenever you were sad, you could count on him to make you feel better.

“Hey, Hobi. I’m sorry I didn’t answer; we thought it was Coconut Head’s phone.” You always referred to Jungkook as Coconut Head around Hoseok, because that was all Hoseok ever remembered him as.

“It’s fine. He sounds like a good guy.”

“I’m a great guy,” Jungkook made an entrance, the water bottle in his hand nearly empty. He had put on his denim jacket.

“You’re leaving?”

“Yeah, Sindy called.”

Typical Coconut Head, you thought.

“Are you going to her place, or is she coming here?”

“Her place. Why?” Jungkook finished his water and tossed the bottle into the small bin next to the door before beginning to fidget with the blue beanie on his head.

“I was going to come and cook dinner; do you still want me to?”

“If you want.” With that, Jungkook left through the open doorway. You began to wonder if something was up with your childhood friend, but Hoseok took your mind off that.

Jungkook hadn’t let you know whether he was coming back or not, but you figured he’d get hungry sooner or later, so you left the dinner on his dinner table. His apartment was still almost as bare as when he’d moved in, with only the bare necessities present. But besides that, he had left clothes all over the floor.

You thought about tidying up for him but decided against it. You wouldn’t want him picking up your clothes, and it made you blush at the thought of him picking something private up. Hoseok had left not too long after he had come but insisted on going out to eat tonight. Of course, that’s why you only cooked dinner for one.

You had two hours to get ready. You had always been the type to wait until the last minute to get ready, but Hoseok made it seem like going out to eat would be an experience to remember. In that case, you took the time to get ready, from choosing what to wear and testing hairstyles out. You even washed your hair and shaved, which was something you left for every other day, or the weekends.

Music played in the background as you finally began to assemble your outfit, your hair straight as a pin compared to its natural waves. The doorbell rang again, and you glanced at the time. It seemed he was 15 minutes early. Nevertheless, you gathered your things and stuffed them in your purse before rushing to meet Hoseok.

But when you opened the door, it wasn’t Hoseok. Jungkook stood in front of you, his lip bruised and bleeding.

“What? Does Sindy have a lip biting kink?”

“No, that’s me.” Jungkook’s voice was a bit gruff, but you disregarded his actions. He pushed past you and fell on your sofa. “You’re going somewhere?”

“Yeah. So tell me about Sindy? You’re finally going sub?” You teased Jungkook, closing the door and making your way to him with your shoes in hand.

He ignored your question. “You don’t wear dresses.” His hand covered his eyes as he lied there, occasionally pulling his lip between his teeth and sucking the blood from it. Your heartbeat quickened and you felt warm.

“I do. Just not...often.” You slipped on your heels. “What’s up? Are you tired? Hungry?”

“Hungry.”

“I left your dinner at your place. Your favorite.”

“No.”

“What are you saying, Coconut Head?” You leaned over the sofa and looked at Jungkook up close. “You just said you were hungry.”

He removed his hand from his eyes and shifted, supporting his weight with his arms under him. It seemed like he was staring into your eyes, and he began to bit his own lip. He was nervous about something. “Don’t call me that,” he said quietly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Y/N…”

“What-?” Before you could say anything else, Jungkook’s hand reached up and caressed the back of your neck. His hand was warm, but not as warm as his lips. He had pulled you forward and was kissing you. You absentmindedly leaned into the kiss, his lips against your unmoving ones. At first, that was all it was. His tongue tentatively swiped across your lip, and your own lips parted slightly.

RING!

You jumped away from Jungkook and looked at the door, frightened. Hoseok was here. Jungkook had kissed you. You looked back at the boy and saw him stand up. You cleared your throat before speaking.

“I...I, uh, the door. Someone…”

He didn’t say anything in return. So you went to go and answer the door. Hoseok smiled, his hand playing with a few strands of his own hair.

“You look gorgeous, Y/N. Are you ready to go?” Your mind was fuzzy. Why was he here again? “Oh.” You followed Hoseok’s eyes to see Jungkook exit past him. He didn’t bother to say goodbye, and you didn’t have the heart to say anything either. But he should have said something, right? He kissed you.

“Yeah. Let’s go.” Hoseok reached for your hand in his and squeezed once, leading you to his car as soon as you closed the door behind you. You didn’t mind, but your hand began to sweat. Could he feel it? Your clammy hands? Not only were you nervous, but Jungkook had made you angry. How could he just kiss you and leave with nothing to say? That coconut head ass, you thought.

Hoseok drove a sleek black car, and let it out that the destination was a new restaurant in the area. You’d never heard of it, but you were excited to do something new. The trip was a good length, and the wait to get seated was shorter. You were seated next to a window, and breadsticks were the centerpiece. Hoseok reached for one and smiled.

“Best part of the meal.”

He made you laugh, and some of your uneasiness fluttered away. You reached for your own and bit into it--a soft and delicious taste.

“It’s good,” you agreed.

“This is my friend’s restaurant. I tried to get him to let me have the place to ourselves, but he just looked at me like I was an idiot. Sometimes I wonder why he keeps me as a friend,” he laughed warm-heartedly, and you couldn’t help but join in. “You’ll see him. I was at least able to get him to come out. He’ll be like our personal waiter.”

“That is one thing I am not.” You found yourself looking at a tall, handsome man. “I know, I’m perfect,” he smirked. “Seokjin. But most people call me Jin. Nice to meet you…”

“I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you, too.”

Jin nodded once before finally placing to menus on the table. “Order what you’d like. I’ll be back in a few.”

As Jin retreated, Hoseok leaned across the table with a hand cupping his mouth, “He’s not into customer service. That’s why he either cooks or sits behind a desk all day.” You laughed once more before picking up your menu and looking it over. Once you were happy with your decision, you put the menu down, only to come face to face with Hoseok who seemed to have been watching you.

“You’re ready to order?” You nod and his smile grows. He frantically waves his hand in the air, and you can see Jin emerging from the door that separates dining, his expression a dark grimace. At that moment, your phone dings with the notification of a text message.

JUNGKOOKIE: Come back.

“Everything alright?” You looked up to see Hoseok with concern evident on your face. Jin watched the exchange between you two, and you couldn’t help but excuse yourself under the scrutinizing glare of him. Maybe that was just because Hoseok was there, but you didn’t know for sure. You felt like he thought you were suspicious.

“I just have to use the bathroom.”

Once you made your escape, you opened the message and wrote a reply. His response was almost immediate.

JUNGKOOKIE: VERY IMPORTANT.

You asked what happened.

JUNGKOOKIE: BAD.

Worry seeped into your heart, and you knew you couldn’t just sit back and wait for good news to suddenly slip its way into your messages. You returned to the table with a frown, ready to apologize.

“I have to go, something came up. Can we do this again?”

Hoseok’s face fell at first, but he quickly covered it with a smile and began to cook some of the meat on the BBQ. “Yeah; maybe next time, Jin will let me have the whole place so we can actually have alone time.”

“Thank you, Hoseok. I’ll text you.” You smiled faintly before rushing out to hail a cab, forcing the driver to take the fastest route possible and to almost break the speeding limit. When you finally did make it back to the apartment complex, you went to your own and found nothing. So you rose to the next floor and found Jungkook’s door slightly opened. Fear engulfed you, but reason emanated within you. You opened the phone app on your phone and dialed 119, thumb poised to press the call button. But there was never a need for it.

“Took you long enough.”

You almost dialed the police, and your heart had jumped out of your mouth.

“How was your date?” Jungkook leaned against the counter of his kitchen, his hand holding the towel he had been using to dry his hair. You noticed his chest could be seen through the white shirt he wore and forced yourself to keep his eyes on him. More specifically his own eyes, but every other second your eyes would flicker to his lips with the constant reminder that he kissed you.

Anger bubbled in your chest once again. Without a word.

“So what happened, Jungkook? I thought there was an emergency or something. Your door was open.”

“It is an emergency.”

“Really, because it sure doesn’t look like one? You’re more of an ass than you were this morning.”

“I’m an ass?”

“Yes, you coconut head ass.”

Jungkook smirked, pushing himself off the counter and moving towards you. At least that’s what you thought, but he moved past you to close the ajar door, locking it. “You came.”

“Because you’re my friend.” Jungkook’s eyes snapped towards yours and you felt some kind of fear.

“Friend? Is that it?”

“What do you expect me to say?”

“That you’ve been in love with me for as long as I have been in love with you? How about that?” He ran his hands furiously through his hair, messing up his bowl cut.

“You don’t love me,” you scoffed. He couldn’t have. “You’ve been sleeping with so many girls, that you might as well take over the Playboy Mansion. Jungkook, what’s wrong with you?”

He didn’t say anything. Instead, Jungkook placed his hands on your shoulders, nostrils flaring. You could suddenly feel his efforts wasted on the gym as he gripped you, so hard that it could bruise. It would bruise.

“Because all you see me as is the boy you fucking grew up with.”

“Jungkook-”

“And then your new boyfriend came around and called you. It tore me.” He exhaled deeply. “I’m selfish, Y/N. I want you. I want to kiss you, I want you to be mine, I want to fuck you. Make love to you.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but Jungkook interrupted you again.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered quietly, and he leaned down to make you level with him. His lips pressed against yours softly but grew intense gradually, forcing you to mold into him and open your own mouth and welcome his tongue. He had eaten the dinner you’d made him.

Jungkook’s hands roamed your body and you didn’t stop him. You grew warm everywhere he touched, and wet down under. He seemed to think you were unresponsive to his kiss because his teeth tugged on your lip. Somehow, it awakened your desire, and you finally realized that Jungkook was the reason you never made much of an effort to meet other guys. When his hands finally moved to cup your butt, you wrapped your legs around his waist and brought your arms around his neck, pulling him into you.

“I…” Jungkook broke the kiss, his eyes fluttering open. You moved your own lips to his neck and sucked on the skin at the base of his neck. “Fuck, Y/N,” he groaned out, and you noticed he was moving. You felt yourself fall into the softness of his bed, and Jungkook came to top you. His legs were on either side of your waist, and he seemed to hesitate.

“Finish what you started, Jungkook,” you almost snapped, your hands moving to pull off his white tee. He took the initiative to pull off your clothes as well, and all you could do was wait until all that was left was your panties. He looked down at you, his gaze like fire.

“Are you okay with this?”

“Jungkook…” His response was only a small hum. “Fuck me.” Your hands moved to his sweatpants and you reached between you both to unleash the member inside his underwear. He was big, so big you wondered if he’d fit.

“Y/N…” He groaned once again, but he leaned onto you, lips pressing butterfly kisses along your neck. I would, but… aren’t you a virgin?” Your breathing stopped as you processed what he said.

“Jungkook, way to ruin the moment.” You flipped the both you around until you were on top, and you yanked his clothes down. Without much effort, you were able to pull your own panties off and grip his dick once again. “Condom?”

Jungkook reached into the nightstand beside him, forehead glistening with sweat, and produced a small square package between his fingers.

“You’re already exhausted, huh, Kookie?” You rolled the condom onto him and raised yourself. For a second, you were unsure as to what you should do but decided that hesitation wouldn’t make anything happen. You brought his tip to your entrance and eased into him, and when you didn’t move, Jungkook took it upon himself to jerk forward. More than the pain, you felt the pleasure when he moved back.

“Sorry,” he whispered painfully. “Sorry,” he repeated again, and again.

“Fuck me,” you grunted, feeling him thrust and thrust with his arms on your waist to hold you steady. He thrusts were sporadic and came at different paces. When he thought you were getting used to the pace, he flipped you over and quickened or slowed, torturing you with pleasure. He bit his own lip, watching you with some unknown emotion evident in his eyes. You felt your chest tighten, and you reached out. Your hands took hold of his shoulders, and you let out a moan.

Jungkook grunted, an abrupt sound that scared you. “Y/N… I’m close.”

“What?” Your mind was hazy.

“I’m going to cum.”

“Shut u-” Before you could feel anything, you felt warmer from down under and you felt pushed over the edge, triggering your own release. “Wow,” you moaned, your body shaking as he Jungkook pulled out. You lay still on the bed and let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and turned to see Jungkook pull off the condom and tie it, a white substance gathering inside. He tossed the condom into the trash can before coming back to look at you. His hands gripped your thighs and he pushed you so that you leaned against the headboard.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m not done with you,” he said huskily before his tongue flew out and he dipped his head. His nose bumped with your opening, as his tongue penetrated you once again. You thought about everything and nothing all at once, but the more prominent thought was, ‘wow’. A simple word. You gathered his hair in your fist and you tugged, wanting him to suck you out even more, and he slurped harder. You could feel another release, but before you could say anything, you felt yourself explode.

Jungkook moaned and slurped the substance, wiping his face clean. He smirked. “Beautiful, and you taste good.” You felt embarrassed and covered your face in agony, turning to the side with your body on display.

“Hey, Y/N.”

“What?”

“It’s my turn.”

“Shut up, Coconut Head.”

“What can I say, I’m selfish.”

So yeah, that happened...

Colorado Commemorates Armenian Genocide, Stands with Artsakh

New Post has been published on https://armenia.in-the.news/society/colorado-commemorates-armenian-genocide-stands-with-artsakh-72709-28-04-2021/

Colorado Commemorates Armenian Genocide, Stands with Artsakh

Armenian Genocide Commemoration at the Colorado State Capitol Armenian Genocide Memorial Garden (Photo by by Mher Ginosyan)

Colorado’s top public officials joined the Centennial State’s vibrant Armenian-American community in Armenian Genocide commemoration events over the weekend that included acknowledgment of the Genocide’s ongoing consequences in Artsakh.

On April 23, both chambers of the Colorado General Assembly unanimously passed Senate Joint Resolution (SJR) 21-017, sponsored by State Senator Dominick Moreno and State House Majority leader Daneya Esgar, in commemoration of the Armenian Genocide. This year’s annual genocide resolution, which was first introduced in 2002, noted the ongoing consequences of the Armenian Genocide, including Turkey-Azerbaijan’s recent aggression, occupation, ethnic cleansing in Artsakh, as well as Azerbaijan’s refusal to release Armenian POWs or allow UNESCO monitoring of churches.

[embedded content]

“While Pres. Biden’s recognition of the Armenian Genocide was a historic event for the entire world, Colorado’s vibrant Armenian community yet again set a national precedent by successfully urging their state legislature to not only commemorate the Armenian Genocide but also recognize its ongoing consequences in Artsakh,” remarked Armenian National Committee of America Western Region chair Nora Hovsepian, Esq. “The Armenian Genocide is not just a historical fact, it’s an ongoing process, which Colorado has been a global leader in acknowledging in the past by erecting a replica Djulfa khachkar erased by Azerbaijan on the grounds of its State Capitol,” continued Hovsepian. “In addition to the resolution, Colorado’s top three elected leaders – the Governor and two US Senators – also spoke on the Armenian Genocide, which is also a tribute to our local grassroots’ unwavering efforts in keeping Armenian-American priorities on Colorado’s political agenda.”

Colorado Armenian community gathers to mark 106th anniversary of the Armenian Genocide (Photo by Mher Ginosyan)

In a video address to Colorado’s Armenian community, Governor Jared Polis commemorated the Armenian Genocide while acknowledging fresh trauma experienced by the Armenian community due to the recent Artsakh war. In particular, Gov. Polis noted that “we know this past year Armenians have endured additional tragedies in defense of their sovereignty, culture, rich history, and we want to let all Armenians in Colorado and across the world know that we stand with you.”

[embedded content]

On April 24, both of Colorado’s US Senators, Michael Bennet and John Hickenlooper, commemorated the Armenian Genocide on Twitter and lauded President Biden’s recognition of the Armenian Genocide. Congressman Jason Crow, who represents Colorado’s vibrant city of Aurora, which has the largest concentration of Colorado’s Armenian community, also commemorated the Armenian Genocide on Twitter, as well as with a video address addressed to the Armenian community.

“Colorado’s Armenian community is immensely grateful to our state legislature, governor, and federal officials for once again standing with our community and doing the right thing,” remarked Armenians of Colorado (AOC) President Byuzand Yeremyan. “As we continue to build our community through cultural and educational programs, including the Armenian School, AOC looks forward to continuing its partnership with local, regional, and national organizations to raise educational awareness about the history and modern ramifications of the Armenian Genocide,” concluded Yeremyan.

SJR 21-017 highlighted the recent aggression on Artsakh as an ongoing consequence of the impunity for Ottoman Turkey’s 1915-1923 extermination of two million Armenians, Assyrians, Greeks, Yazidis and other indigenous minorities. Most significantly, Colorado’s legislature unanimously called out Turkey-Azerbaijan’s recent aggression on Artsakh and raised the issue of Armenian POWs and threatened cultural sites.

[embedded content]

The resolution noted that “Turkey’s ongoing denial of the Armenian Genocide paved the way for another tragedy in late 2020, when Turkey-aided Azerbaijan invaded the Republic of Artsakh, a region of the Armenian homeland, in an onslaught that despite a ceasefire announcement continues to this day through Azerbaijan’s unwillingness to release nearly 200 Armenian Prisoners of War, forbiddance of the return of Armenian refugees to Hadrut and other occupied regions of Artsakh; and refusal of international missions to monitor the nearly 1,500 antique and medieval Armenian cultural sites that have recently come under Azerbaijan’s control.”

Colorado State Representative Cole Wist at the April 24 Armenian Genocide Commemoration at the Colorado State Capitol Armenian Genocide Memorial Garden (Photo by Mher Ginosyan)

In his floor remarks, primary Senate sponsor of SJR 21-017 Sen. Moreno stated “this is something that is dearly personal to the Armenian community especially with events over the summer when there was graffiti and damage done to the Armenian khachkar memorial. We should continue each year to recognize this tragic event… This is particularly painful for the Armenian community because they recently lost control of territories to Azerbaijan.” Sen. Moreno reiterated the importance of continuing “acknowledging the pain and suffering [Armenians] have gone through both in contemporary times and the past.”

The Colorado State Capitol Armenian Genocide Memorial Garden (photo by by Mher Ginosyan)

State Senator Faith Winter, who spoke in support of the resolution, noted that “history can be uncomfortable” but that “recognizing the Genocide that happened nearly 100 years ago is important to understand history” because “when history is uncomfortable when it is hard for us to admit what happened is when we probably grow the most.” In particular, Sen. Winter recounted her visit to Turkey, where she met young people who were willing to discuss and learn from the Armenian Genocide.

In her House remarks, primary sponsor of SCR 21-017 State Representative Daneya Esgar, who is also the House Majority Leader, noted that “The Armenian community is feeling very vulnerable because of losing access to territory and their sacred sites, so I feel that it is important to stand with them.” Both Moreno and Esgar recounted their planting of a memorial tree at the Yerevan Genocide Memorial at Tsitsernakaberd during an ANCA-WR-sponsored legislative study trip in 2019. Both mentioned that even though the legislative body typically refrains from commenting on current international events, it is important to stand with the Armenian community. They also acknowledged the presence of two local Armenian-American leaders: AOC President Byuzand Yeremyan and ANCA-WR’s Simon Maghakyan.

Following Majority Leader Esgar’s remarks, Speaker Pro Tempore Adrienne Benavidez spoke in staunch support of the resolution’s language calling out Turkey-Azerbaijan’s on Artsakh. According to Benavidez, “this is not just a historical situation… this is continuing and we, as members of this body, have a duty to speak out against atrocities like this.” The Speaker Pro Tempore further noted that “We have to make it clear that we support Armenians and send a clear message to Azerbaijan and their supporters like Turkey.” Benavidez also referenced the lead oped of The Denver Post’s Sunday edition, in which former State Representative Cole Wist and Simon Maghakyan had argued that Pres. Biden should recognize both the past and the present of the Armenian Genocide.

[embedded content]

Several other lawmakers also spoke in strong support of the resolution. State Representative Jennifer Bacon noted, in part, that “humanity in general has a deep sense of wanting to belong.” State Representatives Dafna Michaelson Jenet and Emily Sirota recalled their joints efforts in championing last year’s Armenian Genocide and Holocaust education law. Michaelson Jenet stated: “There is often a question: if the Armenian Genocide had been stopped, could have the Holocaust been stopped to?” In her remarks, Sirota stated that “I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to carry the bill to ensure that our students are educated on the Holocaust, the Armenian Genocide, to know that this is part of the ongoing work that we do.” State Representative Iman Jodah noted that “standing in with support with Armenian brothers and sisters is how we put an end [to genocide].”

In the Senate, SJR 21-017 was co-sponsored by Colorado State Senators Bridges, Buckner, Coleman, Cooke, Coram, Danielson, Donovan, Fenberg, Fields, Garcia, Gardner, Ginal, Gonzales, Hansen, Hisey, Jaquez Lewis, Kirkmeyer, Kolker, Lee, Liston, Lundeen, Moreno, Pettersen, Priola, Rodriguez, Scott, Smallwood, Sonnenberg, Story, Winter, Woodward, and Zenzinger.

Colorado Armenian community members place flowers at the State Capitol Armenian Genocide Memorial Garden (Photo by Mher Ginosyan)

In the House, SJR 21-017 was cosponsored by Representatives Amabile, Bacon, Baisley, Benavidez, Bernett, Bird, Bockenfeld, Bradfield, Caraveo, Carver, Catlin, Cutter, Daugherty, Duran, Esgar, Exum, Froelich, Garnett, Geitner, Gonzales-Gutierrez, Gray, Hanks, Herod, Holtorf, Hooton, Jodeh, Kennedy, Kipp, Larson, Lontine, Luck, Lynch, McCluskie, McCormick, McKean, McLachlan, Michaelson Jenet, Mullica, Neville, Ortiz, Pelton, Pico, Ransom, Rich, Ricks, Roberts, Sandridge, Sirota, Snyder, Soper, Sullivan, Tipper, Titone, Valdez A., Van Beber, Van Winkle, Weissman, Will, Williams, Woodrow, Woog, and Young.

On April 24, at 5pm, Colorado’s Armenian community and supporters gathered at the Colorado State Capitol Armenian Memorial Garden and Khachkar, which was vandalized last year, for the commemoration. Present dignitaries and supporters included former Colorado State Representative Cole Wist, Regional Transportation District (RTD) Board Member and former State Representative Paul Rosenthal, who is the only Colorado official to have visited the Republic of Artsakh, and members of Colorado’s Turkish-American community who officially recognize the Armenian Genocide.

In his remarks, Rep. Wist stated that “This day belongs to the Armenian people, it belongs to this community, my heart is with all of you. Le’s think of those who are not with us, and of those in the broader Armenian family. Today is for all of you. Love you all.”

At the end of the commemoration, community leaders announced upcoming plans for restoring the khachkar, and summarized the recent support the community received: from President Biden to Governor Polis, from Colorado’s legislature to the Congressional delegation. The brief program was concluded by a violin performance of Groong and Adanayi Voghb by Nina Fronjian.

Armenians of Colorado, Inc. (AOC) was established in June 1980 as a 501(c)3 non-profit cultural organization. Its purpose is to create a cohesive Armenian community and to further the understanding of Armenian history, culture, language, customs, and heritage. AOC actively supports issues and concerns of the Armenian-American community in Colorado as well as those identified within the Armenian Diaspora throughout the world.

The Armenian National Committee of America – Western Region is the largest and most influential nonpartisan Armenian-American grassroots advocacy organization in the Western United States. Working in coordination with a network of offices, chapters, and supporters throughout the Western United States and affiliated organizations around the country, the ANCA-WR advances the concerns of the Armenian-American community on a broad range of issues in pursuit of the Armenian Cause.

Read original article here.

2020 Review  - Miraya

2020 was a year we’ll always remember. At first glance it’s the year of COVID-19, a global pandemic, Trump, BLM, shelter in place, businesses closing and so much loss and sickness. Future textbooks will need many pages to cover the history of this year. Zoomed in (get it?!) at the smaller scale of my little bubble it has also been a year of lots of virtual experiences, career change, working from home, and sweatpants. Obviously there were so much bigger and more monumental issues than my own but for the sake of this year in review I’m just zooming in on my day to day life. There is so much out of our control, that this year was a reminder to be grateful for our relationships. Despite the craziness of the year, there were many joyful and happy moments that I want to remember of 2020, so I’ll focus on those. 

It’s hard to think about this year pre-Pandemic/pre-March, but I am grateful that I squeezed in so much in the beginning of the year. In the first few months before lockdown, I luckily got to see so many friends and travel to all my favorite cities (London, New York and Palm Springs). Matt and I rang in the New Year in London, so we started 2020 there! I celebrated Claire’s Bachelorette party with 20 of her friends in Los Angeles, went to New York for my first Dessert Goals corporate event on Valentine’s Day, spoke at Alt Summit conference, and planned Clarissa’s bachelorette in Palm Springs. These trips feel like distant memories besides scrolling through photos on my phone. I can’t wait until we can travel again.

Since March my days have been much less glamorous, but there have still been moments I’ll treasure. Matt and I love watching movies, playing games and eating and luckily got to do a lot of these from the safety of our home. Some favorite moments of the year:

Snuggling on the couch with Matt and Rocky, watching movies and eating popcorn with Trader Joe’s ghee spray and truffle salt

Working out while playing Just Dance with Matt, our favorite song is “What Does The Fox Say”

Lots of cooking - using our air fryer, crockpot and Matt becoming a mixologist and creating a 50+ page Google Doc cocktail book

Every time we leave a grocery store with a giant cart full of food and I say “we will not starve”

Supporting small business with fun experiences at home, like Pop Up Mag in a Box and Mama’s Date Night Kit 

Playing Pandemic Legacy co-op game season 1 and 2

Celebrating my 30th birthday at Claire’s house and learning a choreographed dance of Aaron Carter’s I Want Candy with Claire, Evan, Matt

Creative socially distanced activities like picnics with my parents and friends, playing croquet with Matt’s family, renting out a nail salon for Claire’s birthday 

Virtual events like Six Degrees Society, monthly Pizza Party mastermind group, Dreamers & Doers, The Assembly entrepreneur group, my 30th Birthday with friends and family across the country 

Solo workouts and dancing on my rooftop in the middle of the day

Home improvements like painting our bookshelf blue, getting a new coffee table and buffet table 

Sleeping With Other People 5 year anniversary watch party with Rom Com Fest and IFC Zoom with Alison Brie and Jason Sudeikis 

Seeing Instagram Story photos of people across the country receiving Dessert of the Month boxes

Spending a week in Los Angeles in an Airbnb with a pool and hottub and going to our favorite restaurants while working from a different desk than our usual at home

Finding our wedding venue and booking a date for March 2022

Sadly the year has also included many not so great moments:

Closing of Eco Goods, my parent’s shop of over 20 years

Closing of The Assembly, my co-working space and slice of heaven in SF

Clearing out my LA storage unit of all my event supplies, many of which I just purchased in November for Dessert Goals and have sat unused since then

Getting Covid in May - luckily it was mild I just had a high fever and was achy and sick for a few days then quarantined for 10 days

Having to let my employee go because I couldn’t keep paying her

Having to cancel all of my festivals

Moments of feeling totally defeated and lost and not sure how to keep my business going

Shock at the country and that there are so many stupid and selfish people

In my little world, the hardest part about this year for me has been my struggle with my identity as an event planner when I can’t plan events. I’ve always felt such an association of what I do with who I am and when I suddenly am forced to stop doing what I love, with no end in sight, it’s been really tough, both for my identity and my business. I had my year all mapped out, three festivals, sponsors, and first I just postponed my events, and now they are cancelled until the foreseeable future. I tried some virtual events, launched a Dessert of the Month club, but nothing was enough. Dessert Goals and Rom Com Fest are so much about the IRL experience and I couldn’t figure out how to translate that at home. 

With a wonderful stroke of luck I was connected with someone in August looking for help with his event hosting software platform, Mixily, and he brought me on to do customer success and marketing. It’s the first “real job” I’ve had since 2014, and first time I’ve worked at a software startup. It’s been like MBA training, sink or swim. We have a small team all across the world and it’s been exciting getting to Slack and Zoom with others all working on the same project together. I’ve transformed a corner of our bedroom into an office (with a desk from The Assembly), bought a laptop stand, keyboard and mouse, and it’s the most official work setup I’ve had in years. Considering this crazy year and not being able to plan events, I am so  grateful I got this opportunity to keep working and flexing my muscles in a new industry. I’ve joined many new communities to connect with others in the software world, such as Indie Hackers, and have learned a lot of new perspectives about startups, that sometimes you’ll work on something for years and then have to call it quits. With Dessert Goals and Rom Com Fest I hope it’s not quits forever, but I’m coming to accept that they can be on the back burner for now. 

This year I turned 30. The biggest milestone the year has had in my mind is the Forbes 30 Under 30 list, which I never made it on. Obviously it would have been great, and I can’t say I’m not bummed that I didn’t, but I do know it’s not everything. Besides that, and wishing I could have a big party for my birthday which wasn’t totally possible, 30 hasn’t felt dramatically different yet. I know that I compare myself to others more than it is healthy, it’s hard to prevent it, especially when scrolling through Instagram. I hear from others as you get into your 30s you feel more confident in your skin, I hope this clicks for me and I quit the comparison game soon. I’ve started paying attention to my phone’s screen time and it’s pretty scary how many hours of each day I spend  on Instagram. I’m juggling accounts for my personal, Rom Com Fest, Dessert Goals and Mixily, so it’s a lot. A mix of research, posting, and inspiration, but it’s not a good use of time. Over the holidays I logged out of all my accounts, so if I wanted to check I had to go through the extra step of logging in, and it’s decreasing my scroll time drastically. I know Instagram is not a good use of time and adds to my comparison feelings, so it is something I want to decrease next year.

One of the new communities I joined because of Mixily, Reality Bites, asked me what three things I want more and less of in 2021. Here they are, plus a few more. 

More: travel, exercise, picnics, walks with friends, outdoor time

Less: stress, snacking, guilt, Instagram, comparing myself to others, sweatpants 

Last year I included lists of my favorite books, movies and TV shows of the year and want to keep the tradition. I’ve been tracking books in Goodreads, movies in Letterboxd, and TV shows in Notes. Here are my top picks of the year. 

Books

Last year I read 27 books and set a goal for 30 books this year. I ended up reading 32! My top 5:

Big Summer by Jennifer Weiner  

Always and Forever, Lara Jean by Jenny Han

Not Like The Movies by by Kerry Winfrey

Body Love Every Day: Choose Your Life-Changing 21-Day Path to Food Freedom by Kelly LeVeque

The Mom Test: How to talk to customers & learn if your business is a good idea when everyone is lying to you by Rob Fitzpatrick 

Movies

Matt and I watched A LOT of movies this year! Many older movies, including many from 1999 and a ton of Tom Hanks. Matt always creates his top 10 movie list of new release films. Here’s my top 2020 movies in alphabetical order: 

An American Pickle

Bad Education

How to Build A Girl

On The Rocks

Palm Springs

Save Yourselves!

Soul

The Half Of It

The One and Only Ivan

To All The Boys: P.S. I Still Love You

TV

In between movie watching, and while multitasking, I was able to watch quite a lot of TV shows this year, some with Matt and some on my own. Matt and I watched all the seasons of Veronica Mars which started a marathon of all other Rob Thomas (the creator of Veronica Mars) shows including Party Down and iZombie. Of new 2020 shows, here are some of my favorites, in alphabetical order: 

Dash & Lily

Dead To Me season 2

Emily in Paris

Love Life

Never Have I Ever

PEN15 season 2

Queen’s Gambit

The Bold Type season 4

The Home Edit

The Morning Show

Trinkets

At the end of my post last year I wrote of all the things I was looking forward to next year including 4 weddings and 3 festivals, all of which were cancelled. 2020 felt so planned out and yet everything was changed. I have no idea what next year will bring. It could feel exactly the same as this year, working from home and wearing a mask all year. Or we could be able to host events by summer. Every virtual event I’ve attended about the future of events seems like a similar level of uncertainty. It feels impossible to set goals or make plans for 2021. We just have to roll with the punches, be kind to one another, stay safe, wear our masks and ride this out.  

Here’s to a brighter and safer 2021!

-Miraya

05.01.2020 /The Weekend

I feel more animal. I sleep when it’s dark and get up with daylight. I forage my house for food when I’m hungry and often, let myself feel that hunger without satiating it. I’m more acutely aware of what’s around me—wandering the woods, walking the river, sitting in the dry prairie grasses. The wind, pollen scattering from the trees, birdsong, chattering squirrels, elegant deer and awkward turkeys. Hoards of gnats swarm in tiny tornados near the water—I wonder if they hold a consciousness about their purpose here. I wonder if I do. 

I talk to people much less than I did in the beginning. Everything has been said too many times over. Exhausting and erosive. It’s becoming more personal now; taking each other’s spiritual temperature, reconnecting with some ppl I’ve lost over time, like a woman in NYC and another in San Franciso, both with new babies. Sometimes, we’re cynical, sometimes laughing, sometimes weeping. I’m quieter than ever and if you know me, I’m not prone to silence. It feels like getting to know a part of myself less explored. Not a bad thing. Listening more, talking less. 

This morning’s soundtrack. 

There is rain moving in. I’m sitting in my dining room facing the south side of the yard watching the sturdiness of trees against a grey backdrop. They wave their branches a little. I’ve looked at these trees out this window for twenty-two years. They give me a false sense of permanence but unless virulent summer weather takes them down some time, I will lean into that ruse. 

It’s the first day of May. My oldest daughter Hannah will turn 34 in a week. She and her husband Geoffrey and g-bb Ezra came down to our house last Saturday. I hugged them both with a bedsheet between us. I had so many conflicting feelings seeing them after almost two months and keeping prescribed distance for the afternoon—the full range existing between joy and grief. I suffered an emotional hangover the next day. It’s so hard to explain. It’s surreal to watch them from across the yard while the dogs romp together and not get gob-smacked about this new reality we are saddled up into—how this contagion (and the ones that will surely follow) will distort/contort, forever changing our intimacies. I’ll have to think more about this. 

We have always been such a tactile family and this is taking time to get used to and it’s only just begun. I’m gonna give myself all the time necessary to acclimate. It was so incredible to see them after so long, if bittersweet. 

I had similar feelings when daughter Kitty and her roommate Anna came down the following Monday to gather kindling, take a walk and stay for dinner. I spent a couple hours prior to their arrival instigating a yearly ritual—opening the porch! We put all the leaves in the table to properly distance ourselves. I thought about how to share the food. I ladled the soup into the sitting bowls, split the French bread loaf in half and wrapped separately, gave them their own dish of salt and plate of butter. We made mistakes—shared the pepper grinder and all touched the tubs of yogurt and sour cream. Ohhh well—we washed our hands afterwards. We also talked and laughed our asses off until dark. When they were leaving, Kitty and I looked at each other and suddenly hugged without the sheet, turning our faces away, not breathing. The next morning I woke up and had a moment of subdued panic until I remembered that every time I leave my house and go to the grocery store, it’s a risk. 

These are the inescapable truths we are all being forced to reckon with in one way or another. In that moment, the gain was well worth the risk. I am gonna get more used to this eventually and do my best taming the wild range of emotional geography to something less painful and more often flushed with gratefulness that we are all alive and love each other. Pull it together, Lewis! 

I’ve been trying to order seeds on line for weeks. Most of the organic sites were filling commercial orders in lieu of home gardeners’ requests, stalling us until May. Now, most everything is unavailable, especially herbs, which are expensive to buy in the produce section. I guess I have to take a deep breath and roll with it. There’s a lot we all have to roll with. I’m not an avid gardener anyway but I did love how the bush beans grew last year and fed us all summer long, planted in succession. 

I’ve emerged, at least for now, from the hopeless/helpless place I’d been in last week. I decided to curb my drinking habits, which had become something of a crutch a couple weeks ago that collapsed under my own weight and fed my sad monster. I’m going to need all my available faculties to get to the next day and the next one, not fall victim to laziness or inflamed feeling, already tender. So, cutting back. It’s been pretty easy so far. 

Meanwhile, there are important issues to focus my anger and intention towards when it rears up—an endless stream, most recently; Pence not wearing a mask when he visited the Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN, Trump suggesting ultra violate rays and disinfectant injections as a cure and then later saying he was being sarcastic (!**/?!#@%!!?), joining up with Stacy Abrams out of GA and the Fair Fight organization to protect our voting rights and democracy in the upcoming election. I also watched (Michael Moore presents) Planet of the Humans written/directed by Jeff Gibbs. Warning: brutal, informative, a li’l craycray (fact checking review here as ballast). 

Also, watched a Frontline piece on Amazon’s Jeff Bezos. What a supreme, soulless dick! Yikes! I knew, kinda, but have never gone in for the longer story. I know—it would be difficult for some, because—so convenient—but what if we just stopped ordering from that megalomaniac, ceased to fill the pockets of the richest man in the world whose mistreatment of his workers is legendary? He would be the best first place to start reorienting our rote thinking about capitalism. Done with him. 

What if we supported our local stores, local restaurant take-out, local clothing and sundries stores (most sell online now) or shopped directly to companies online instead of going through the infamous Amazon? What if we used this time to begin to unhook from the corporate rank and file consumerism we have all been brainwashed with, and started supporting each other and small businesses? Hearing that Tyson is suffering an enormous rise in workers infected with Covid due to cramped and unsafe working conditions (!!!) what if we supported local co-ops even part of the time? I know they are a little more expensive, but if you go local and not Whole Foods, you’ll do better. I did hear that Farmers Markets may open soon and those offer the most affordable options to Cub or Rainbow. I’ve lived and shopped this way for a long time and never made much money so I’m just sayin’, you actually can afford it. 

Every time we spend our money, we are casting a vote, so this is a good time to explore and support the neighborhood both near us and small companies online instead of supporting the giant corporate machine. They are not helping us as much as they make it appear. Other than Costco (my only big box store), who pay their workers a living wage with good benefits and safe work environments (in addition to offering remarkable dry goods, produce, meats and cheeses, the rest are forever off my list. They offer so many organic options and I save so much $$ there. I admit, it’s not much fun to go there—especially right now in terms of exposure—but when I’m out of paper towels and coffee or need a bag of lemons for $6 and organic ground beef, they are my go-to. 

This week’s movie recommendations. Kitty brought The Midnight Gospel, an animated, spirited, crazy, philosophical ride on the human condition from the makers of Adventure Time. You don’t have to be a Dylan fan to enjoy No Direction Home, a documentary that centers on Dylan’s trajectory (copious interview time with him and others around him) from late 50′s-70′s and beyond. If that’s not your cup of tea, check out Ricky Gervais’ AfterLife in which he deals with the fallout of grieving his beloved wife in that sweet/irreverent way he is known for—the second season now available. Also, Devs (recommended by Al Church) is really good, but if you can’t do violence, steer clear. All of these are streaming on Netflix. 

Last post, I was thinking hard about employing more acceptance and open-mindedness. I’m still there and working on it as I wrestle my uncaged  sometimes savage emotions. I check in on many of you via our only source of communication and it seems we are all on the same rollercoaster. It’s a rough ride—hang on and, when you’re fed up or feel brave or are awash in a weird kind of joy, raise your hands off the bar and into the air. 

While we may be isolated, we are not alone. 

Lovelove. 

My thoughts on the newest instalment of the Animal Crossing series: New Horizons

So it’s been a few days now since we saw the first ever footage of New Horizons, the latest instalment in the Animal Crossing series set to drop next year in March. In the following days we have been receiving new information on a near daily basis so I’d like to take the time to sift through everything and discuss some of the things I am really excited about seeing and some things I am maybe not a fan of. This is going to be fairly long so analysis under the cut!

Full disclaimer: this is all just my opinion on the new game. You may not personally agree with everything I say. I will try and credit things as I go along so you guys can read the articles I have taken from for yourselves if you have not yet had the chance to.

And with that, more under the cut!

I will try and separate my thoughts into three sections which are new features I think are interesting, things I am excited for, and things I am put off by.

Interesting Features:

I’ll start with the most interesting new feature in my opinion which is that you start on your new deserted island with two or so other villagers. According to Nogami these villagers bought into the same package you did through Tom Nook which means they are also indebted to him. This establishes quite the different relationship with your starting villagers than previous games. In New Leaf they acted as a guiding voice to your actions, encouraging you to pick weeds, water flowers, buy and sell things at Re-Tail and so forth. In New Horizons, however, you start on the same foot as they do which means that New Horizons may have a more self-directed way of learning the mechanics of the game.

New Horizons will also feature an auto-save function which has a few implications. The first is that saving is now easier and more streamlined. It does also mean, though, that there is no ‘reset’ feature that has been a staple in New Leaf. The ability to reset your game to the last previous save was particularly useful when plot resetting villagers who had moved their houses into undesirable locations. However, New Horizons has a new feature to combat this that I will be discussing later on.

Next, we got confirmation that special NPC’s such as Isabelle are making a return in some way. This is apparently based on game progression, namely upgrading. Tom Nook will apparently be taking note of the lifestyle we like to live on the island and develop new villager facilities in accordance. I’ll be very interested to see what sort of facilities are brought back to New Horizons and if they will have more unique facilities other than crafting, a new feature that’s similar to Pocket Camp’s system. I’ll also be very interested to see how they use some of my favourite special NPC’s such as Celeste, Kicks, Kapp’n and Leif.

It was confirmed that there is no direct link between New Horizons and Pocket Camp which a lot of people are very grateful for. Though, apparently there will be “collaboration items” which has yet to be elaborated on.

It was also confirmed that you can only have one island per Nintendo Switch system.

Exciting New Features:

Animal villagers wear varied clothing! Fuchsia in a dress was adorable and Eunice’s sweater was just too much

Backpacks are making a return from Pocket Camp which is a nice addition

Flower crowns are going to be a thing!

Paths are now integrated into the game as an official feature rather than using QR patterns

You can use Nintendo online to voice chat – no more text bubbles!

Couch co-op will be possible through multiple joycons. Apparently up to four players can join through local co-op however they will all share the same screen

The ability to select where villagers plot their houses including, so it seems, your two or so starting villagers. And since villagers are also indebted to Tom Nook they will apparently be able to upgrade their houses

And very underrated is the fact that Nintendo is going to extra lengths to show us that Tom Nook is a confirmed good guy that you work closely with to build the community from basically scratch

Concerns:

My biggest concern is surrounding the methods used to invite new villagers to our island. I feel that we were all a bit spoiled with New Leaf’s Welcome Amiibo update that allowed us to directly scan in dreamies and request that they move in while simultaneously being able to select who would move out. With New Horizons it has been confirmed there will be an invitation system similar to New Leaf, though there may not necessarily be a way to invite specific animals. This for me all but confirms amiibo compatibility is not going to be present in the newest instalment which means amiibo cards and figures remain at their hyper inflated prices. Perhaps this will be patched in a later update similar to how New Leaf was, but there’s no guarantee and it may be a few years to wait out if we even see it return at all.

My second biggest issue is the one island per player rule. I am not really miffed because it limits us to only one island; every other game in the main series has followed this formula and it’s really not a surprise that Nintendo is not letting us abuse the multiple account system the Switch operates on. My main concern with this has to do with how the system operates. The Switch saves directly onto the SD card which means getting a new copy of the game in order to have another island is likely not going to work. Which means for people who share their systems with partners/siblings/roommates you are all potentially having to play on the same island, limiting other players’ experiences.

It was also confirmed that there would be no new personality types which comes a slight disappointment to me. I will still be anticipating a return of the yet unused villagers pre-New Leaf. Give me Bow and Meow back please Nintendo.

30 “red flags” part 2

16. When they gas light you.

“Any form of gas lighting no matter how small.

Also pre-blaming you for things they know will happen because of them. He’d tell me on vacation ‘that drink is too strong you’re just going to pass out later and we won’t be able to go out and do anything,’ but in reality it was him passing out from drinking at 9pm forcing us to stay in. Or saying ‘yeah I want to see the sunrise but you’re never going to get out of bed that early,’ yet I went and saw it and he slept until 2 hours later when I finally got him up.

When I realized it, I saw he was basically trying to make me give up on doing things so he could blame me for us not doing it, even though if I held up my end he wouldn’t hold up his. Between that and making me think my emotions were invalid when he’d upset me just made for a super manipulative relationship.”

—madguins

17. When they hide their finances from you.

“For me, the very first red flag was not communicating finances [we were married]. He would ‘give me’ a certain amount to spend, but never wanted me on his bank account. I had my own, but we had agreed on joining accounts—which is why I transferred my money to his since it had better interest rates/bank/etc. I had no access to my own money. It took him 6 months and a threaten of divorce to be put on the account. And then I saw it—he had lost ALL of our money by spending it on him damn self. I couldn’t do anything—I could even put food on the table or put gas in our cars.

The second red flag was when we adopted a puppy [this was after I began a finance boot camp with him]. The puppy would cry at night. Ex had a temper. I heard him storm into the living room, open the kennel, and shake the dog yelling ‘I will fucking SHOOT you if you don’t shut the FUCK up!’ I shot out of bed, grabbed the dog, told him he would do no such thing, and left to stay with a friend.

Another one was when we were play wrestling and he pinned me down so hard my arms started going numb. I told him to get off of me and then kneed him in the back. He punched my face. I was stunned and told him ‘didn’t your mother ever teach you not to hit a woman?’ “Nope, they’re fair game and you look like you can handle your own anyways.”

The immense guilt trip I received any time I did something for myself—driving over to a friend’s place for coffee, going on a weekend trip to the beach, going to my family’s…it was ridiculous.

There were other red flags as well, but these were the top three I could think of. It wasn’t until I told my Chain of Command some of these things that they sent me to victim advocacy. I had to be told that I was a victim of abuse. We, obviously, have since divorced and I am now happily re-married to someone who believes we are partners in life. Together, we balance each other out.”

—badgerfu

18. When they have an opinion about every single thing you do and every single person you talk to.

“The first red flag is the person having an opinion about every single thing you do and every single person you talk to, like they need to be hands on in all your dealings and activities like they are your parent or some shit. Normal people don’t want to coach your life, only fucked up people do.”

—shewshoe

19. When you tell someone else about what’s happening and they react with horror.

“When I told a coworker about things she reacted with horror. That’s the thing about abusive relationships, at least in my experience. They start off great and then slowly warp into something terrible and the abused person might not know.

I didn’t even notice what was happening to me until two years in. Looking back it blows my mind that I accepted the treatment but at the time it just seemed fine.

I was working at a coffee shop and while closing one day started chatting with a new co-worker—by this point I had been isolated from all my friends and I thought it was because I was a terrible person so was cautiously trying to make a new friend. We were drinking wine while we worked and started dishing about our men and her reaction to my ‘what happened on date night this past week’ story was horror.

It got me thinking and once I knew to look, all of the other red flags showed up.

This was also the same way I found out my parents were abusive. A friend in high school saw the bruises and cuts and when I told her I got in shit for losing a toy something she was like ‘ummmm…that is not a normal reaction to that.’”

—full-of-grace

20. When they keep casually dropping passive-aggressive comments during normal conversation.

“The casual passive-aggressive comments he would drop in normal conversation. Then the comments would become more direct, then mean, and finally just cruel. And once he saw that I would accept those, well, the floodgates of abuse just burst open.”

—scaredofmyownshadow

21. When they make you feel like shit about yourself.

“The need to question everything I did and every one I liked.

The constant need to make ME question them.

None of my pre-existing friends were ‘good to me’ in her eyes.

The need for my constant undivided attention every single waking hour.

Not being able to ‘trust me’ yet doing all of the things that made me ‘untrustworthy’ i.e., taking my phone to the toilet.

Making me feel SHIT about myself. Constantly. But also making me believe she was the only one who didn’t make me feel shit.”

—i_am_gud

22. When they always expect you to take their side, no matter how unreasonable they’re being.

“Like 3 weeks in, when he randomly started arguing with someone over some stupid shit, I sided with the other person who I thought was being reasonable. The PoS got furious at me, saying ‘I expect you to be on my side.’ Aghast and pissed, I walked away ignoring him. He suddenly started playing nice and sweet again. I should have never looked back at that point because he soon turned out to be a massively manipulative, immature, emotionally abusive piece of fucking scum. Ugh.”

—KissyKillerKitty

23. When they keep breaking up with you.

“I don’t know about the first, because it was all so gradual over the course of a few years. Things were fantastic in the beginning but the shifts caught me off guard. Also I was a young adult and have moved out of home for the first time. It was my first ‘real’ relationship and I was stupid and blind.

Some highlights:

• so clingy. Had to literally spend every minute together or else it would be a fight because ‘we are drifting apart’ (because I spent an afternoon reading a book) • telling me I wasn’t raised correctly, nit picking every little behavior, telling me that I was something he needed to ‘fix’ because I was so messed up. Using my anxiety and depression against me. • pressuring me to do drugs. • constant cheating accusations • not allowed to have friends. Could only be friends his friends. • picking fights with me over tiny things, escalating them to the point of making me cry and then ‘look how crazy you’re acting you bitch’ Fights would only end if I apologize and promise to do better. Even if I was not in the wrong. He just liked to exert that control. • he suddenly hated my family for no reason, me visiting them resulted in such huge fights and violence that I just avoided it. Despite the fact that my family lived five minutes away. • he was unemployed and a drug addict, but he’d get so angry with me for ‘choosing my job over him’ because I refused to skip work. • breaking up with me constantly, instantly retracting as soon as I’d agree. Lots of sobbing and begging to change on his end. this became an every other day occurrence toward the end. • refused condoms, no birth control because it ‘fucks with your body’ (like seriously, your cocaine addiction doesn’t though?) So yeah, obviously I got pregnant. Had no say in anything, including my child’s name. He also pressured me to do drugs while I was pregnant, but I never gave into that. • his addiction was my fault because I couldn’t stop him. Same with the drinking. He would get blackout drunk, pick fights with me and trash the house. Things escalated to physical abuse on almost a daily basis. • threatening to kill himself if I ever left. Eventually that graduated to threats of killing me and my son too.

There’s so much more but it’s stressful to write about even though it’s been over 8 years. I’m grateful to my son because even though he didn’t come through the best of circumstances, he gave me the strength to finally leave when he was born.”

—magnumthepi

24. When they start smothering you, even a little.

“So I once worked as a prison warden in a prison for men who had abused their s.o. During lunch breaks I used to read their court trials, the legal reasoning interest me. During one lunch break I said to a more experienced colleague –Well, from working here and reading about all these trials I’ve learnt the importance of telling my *daughter (she was in her early teens back then) to walk out after the first strike.* –No, said my colleague, you tell her to walk out when he starts to always pick her up from work. You tell her to walk out when she wants to go out with her friends and he insists on her staying at home by saying ” but honey, I had planned to make you dinner and then we can cuddle in the sofa and watch a movie. That’s where it begins. When the first strike hits she has been controlled for a long, long time.”

—Norman3

25. When they never have anything to say about any person of the opposite sex, but especially their exes.

“Two things made me uneasy and really stand out in retrospect.

He had nothing positive to say about any woman he had ever dated, or even met. All ex-girlfriends were ‘mentally ill’ and hateful. All his friend’s girlfriends/wives were mean and overbearing. He liked his mom, but no other women.

He isolated me from my friends. He kept saying how nice it was to stay in alone and kept asking me to break established plans with friends.”

—victorontonian

26. When they constantly harass you about all your friends of the opposite sex.

“Would absolutely fall apart when the idea of me drinking around women came up.

Would call me when I went out to check if I was OK.

Constantly asking what I thought about my friends who were girls.

Obviously she ended up cheating on me.”

—DAHGS

27. When they argue about every little thing.

“Expecting me to reply within a half hour and then subsequently giving me the silent treatment to ‘punish’ me for not replying. Then complain that I didn’t care enough to check in on her when she was ignoring me.

Also arguing at every little thing and then giving the silent treatment when I didn’t agree with her on something.

Expecting me to ‘accept her for who she is,’ the smoking, drinking mess of a person who was too lazy to work for her future and expected me to give her money for everything, then blaming everything that went wrong on her abusive father.

The best(?) of all, threatening suicide when I decided I had enough and was going to cut off the relationship. That was pretty traumatic too.

P.S. sorry if this isn’t completely relevant to the question.”

—GOverlord

28. When they ‘neg’ you.

“Negging. First sign of this, run away.”

—SlanginPie

29. When there’s a voice in your head telling you something is wrong.

“Not really answering the question, but after a while there was always a ‘voice’ in the back of my head telling me that what was going on was wrong. I’d just ignore it, or convince myself that it was normal almost automatically. People would tell me that she was being abusive and everything would ring vaguely true somehow but I’d just ignore it for a million reasons. Low self-esteem being one of them, feeling somehow responsible for what they did, being the another. It wasn’t until I one day realized that I was subconsciously making excuses for them in my head that I decided to get the fuck out of there, and even though I knew at that point that the relationship was not good for me, it was still the hardest decision ever.”

—picassos_left_nut

30. When their actions make you feel anything less than equal and loved.

“There are so many red flags and scenarios that could point to an abusive relationship, but it comes down to this: If your partner’s actions make you feel guilty, worthless, defensive or making excuses, or ANYTHING less than EQUAL and LOVED—you need to get out….especially if you find yourself making excuses again for why you can’t get out.”

—Matilda__Wormwood

i set a whole host of goals this year.

spend 30 nights outside. pay off my student loans. finish enough of our home renovation that my children can safely walk around the house on christmas day.

and climb a mountain. a literal one.

i have never, ever felt interested in or called to mountaineering. it has always sounded completely insane to me. you like to hike? let’s do something where you just stare at your feet the entire time! you like to ski? how about an activity where you slip and slide and trek through snow and ice, but don’t actually have any fun? you like to climb? go ahead and load up with ropes and packs and hardware and never really feel the satisfaction of a secure grip.

down to my bones, i am wired and bred to desire warmth. i like eating fruit and salsa at every meal, wearing running shorts and bathing suits despite my undeniable mom-bod, i like sunsets drenched in golden humid air and tunnels of saturated green trees. i don’t do cold – i don’t even like air conditioning. sleeping on a snow field was out of the question.

so beyond the physical challenge, which is formidable, just the idea of climbing mount rainier this year was ridiculous.

the full moon rising over mount baker and a pillowtop of clouds. view from camp muir.

i have written before about the experience of giving birth to both of my children. being a mother is absolutely, undeniably, the most rewarding experience of my life so far. every day i feel like i am living into a biological calling. however, i cannot glamorize pregnancy, childbirth, or the post partum period. i loathed them all. there is only one other time in my life that i have felt so out of touch and out of control of my own body – and that time was puberty.

in the days and months following my delivery of my daughter, i waded through an emotional minefield of feelings that my body had completely failed me. i sobbed in the NICU over my child attached to beeping machines and wires, apologizing to her, apologizing to my husband. i was angry at my womb because i didn’t grow a healthy child. the bones that i had trusted and called home suddenly became a really hard place for me to inhabit. things that felt strong became stretched. movement that felt natural was sometimes painful. i was (correction: AM) exhausted all the time, and the feeling of being fully rested felt like a distant fantasy. the idea of being desired by anyone ever again seemed impossible.

i am grateful for my ability to grow babies, nourish babies, comfort babies. i know this is such important work. the most important thing my body will do. but still, it was hard to take my clothes off and see a topographical map of saudi arabia.

are you exhausted by this narrative yet? it sure did wear me out. i wish i could proclaim that i was able to flip a switch and turn off this chatter, but the truth is it was slow. agonizing. sort of, as it turns out, like climbing up a mountain.

in april, i received an email that applications for REI’s climb for a cause program were open. this fundraising climb got it’s start when a 2013 climb left a group of employees stranded on mount rainier in a whiteout. appreciative of the mount rainier national park climbing rangers that rescued them, they returned with a commitment to give back to search and rescue efforts in the park. REI has partnered with the Washington National Park Fund every year since to organize a fundraising climb, and the Co-Op invites employees to apply for participation. if your application is accepted, you are responsible for your own travel expenses, gear, and commit to raising at least $2,000 towards the effort.

i had started thinking about the possibility of doing a big climb during my sabbatical in 2021. mount rainier had not crossed my mind. i was considering doing something that was categorized as non-technical hiking – mount kilimanjaro or mount whitney were strong contenders. mount rainier is arguably the most formidable peak in the lower 48 – it is not the highest, but it has 13,000 feet of vertical relief and has so much mixed terrain. i had no experience with crampons, ice axes, rope team travel, crevasses, avalanche safety or high exertion at high elevation. this seemed completely out of my wheelhouse (spoiler alert: it was completely out of my wheelhouse), but i was also so tired of telling myself that my body was not capable of doing hard things. i was ready to pack up that baggage and set it the fuck down. or, figuratively, throw it off the side of a very tall mountain.

so i applied.

and, since i don’t believe in false modesty, we’ll fast forward through this next part. i knew my application would be accepted.

panoramic view of high camp with little tahoma at the forefront

in the months that followed, i spent a lot of time hiking up and down lookout mountain, and a lot of time getting up close and personal with the southwest facing stair climber at the ymca. i borrowed gear from my amazing co-workers, who offered high fives, enthusiasm, and training tips. i shared training progress through the summer and my friends, family and community helped me to reach my fundraising goal. i went to SheVentures, one of my favorite events of the summer, and shared with the women at camp my dream of climbing mount rainier as part of a journey to trust my body again. the support and energy that poured in from everyone around me was indescribable. i hiked with my dad. i hiked with my children. i felt supported by people i love, and by people that i had only just met.

when i packed my bags and arrived in seattle earlier this month, i was undeniably freaked out, but i also felt good. i felt confident in my legs and i felt bolstered by the support of my amazing tribe.

our team was composed of 8 REI employees from all over the country – washington, oregon, texas, connecticut and tennessee. we were joined by 4 guides from international mountain guides. we had varied levels of experience. none of us had ever met. i feel like this is laying some groundwork for a really good reality TV show (i’ll build that out in the next post). we enjoyed a couple of casual, introductory meals together, got our gear checked out, and started our trek.

on the first day, we ascended from the paradise visitor’s center parking lot to the shelter at camp muir. this route travels through a lush stretch of foggy evergreen and wildflowers, through a snowfield, to the base of the ingraham glacier. it gains about 4,600 ft over 4.5 miles. i threw up when we arrived at the shelter. following that glamorous introduction to mountaineering, i committed to drinking more water, abandoning performance food for burritos, and focusing on pacing my breathing.

on the second day, we did skills clinics with our guides on some basics of mountaineering – how to use crampons, how to self-arrest in the event of a fall, how to travel on a rope team. when we started this leg of our hike, i roped in behind our lead guide nickel (like the coin) and just listened. i don’t know how the universe aligned to gift us with a lead guide that was also a certified yoga instrutor, but hallelujah. this was a shorter day – i tried to mimic nickel’s very deliberate pace, the crunchy sound of his step, the audible “whoosh” of his breath. we ascended another 1,100 ft to our high camp that afternoon and talked about summit day plans over dinner. this time, i didn’t throw up. that felt like progress.

that night, we went to bed around 6pm. at 11pm, nickel came around to wake us all up. i sat up on my sleeping pad in the tent and was immediately out of breath. i was super nervous. nickel suggested that our rope team leave 15-20 minutes ahead of the other groups so that we could be intentional about pacing and not have to stress. more pacing, less stress – this all sounded good to me. we loaded up a lighter summit day pack with snacks and extra layers, clipped in, and set off to ascend the ingraham glacier and the disappointment cleaver.

hiking across the flats in the dead of the night was breathtaking. the moon was almost full and luminous in the clear, black sky. constellations twinkled, bright jeweled pinpoints reflecting against an expansive white snowfield. the dark red rock of the disappointment cleaver loomed ahead of us, but luckily i couldn’t see much other than the hypnotic black and crystal sky. it was beautiful. our pace was steady and deliberate – a raking “step, step, breathe.” as we started climbing up the cleaver, all i noticed was that one of my hip flexors was starting to feel kind of stiff and i actually felt relieved. like, thank GOD – something other than my lungs are wearing out!

crevasses leading up to our high camp. disappointment cleaver and the rainier summit in the background.

the cleaver separates two of the 25 glaciers that make up mount rainier. disappointment cleaver is exactly the right name for it. hiking up that thing is 100% disappointing. every step was cautious, made even clumsier by my inexperience wearing crampons. i was tripping over myself, and thinking (over thinking) cautiously about every spot i placed my feet. every time i teach or take a yoga class, there is a moment (or a few) that i pause and ask myself or my participants, “hey, just checking on something real quick – are you breathing?” people usually chuckle and then release a huge exhale. i kept repeating this to myself.

hey jacki, just checking in – are you breathing? 

internal monologue is so powerful. the only thing that can combat internal monologue is a) a very convincing external factor, or b) practice. memory. muscle memory, psychological memory. i have a sign by my bed that says “sometimes you wake up in the morning and you think ‘i’m not going to make it.’ but then you laugh inside, remembering all the times you felt that way.” my inexperience in this activity and landscape reared up and my internal monologue took over. by the time the other groups caught up with us, it was not super affirming. i just kept thinking, “i am slowing everyone down.” and just like that, i was pulling for air. irregular wheezing. i couldn’t catch my breath, and i knew i was done.

descending back down to paradise

before we started our final ascent, our guides made something clear: summitting was optional. returning safely to the parking lot at the end of the hike was not optional. reaching the columbia crest at the summit of mount rainier was only 50% of the distance we had to travel. when we reached the top of the disappointment cleaver at 12,300 ft, i turned to nickel and told him, “i have to be honest, i don’t have 50% left in the tank.” i was just vocalizing something he already knew.

the rest the team continued the remaining 2,000 ft to complete their summit. i turned around and made my way down the cleaver with another guide, and i can confirm that descending the cleaver in total darkness is just as disappointing as ascending. i watched the sunrise from my tent, and heard the guides check in with their main office over the radio.

“we had 7 of 8 successful summits. it’s been a great trip.”

it was at that point that i cried, packed up my stuff and got ready for the return trip down the mountain.

that beautiful monster

and here’s the funny thing. the descent was amazing. i had plenty of rest at that point, had spent all of the emotional energy i had available to mourn my failed attempt, and the sun was up. i was warm. my legs felt good. i paused to take photos as we crept down the mountain. we decided to glissade down the snow field, which is basically just a fancy word for sliding on your ass, and it was seriously one of the most fun things i have ever done. as we emerged out of the snow and back onto the dirt trail, i still had enough in the tank to look around and wonder at the delicate beauty of the subalpine meadows.

when we arrived at the parking lot, laurie – the executive director of the washington national park fund – was waiting for us with a cooler of cold drinks and a huge smile. she was filled with sincere pride and gratitude for the trek we just made and the contributions we made towards the park fund. we learned that the money we raised this year would go towards two underfunded programs in the park – the mountain rainier roadside assistance program, and the mount rainier/mountain rescue association joint patrol program. we toasted champagne, shared a closing ceremony pizza, and my new friends and teammates signed the summit board at IMG headquarters. i felt proud to watch them sign their names, proud to have shared the experience, and proud of what we were able to contribute back to the park as a team.

being on a glacier is like being on another planet. it is a powerful, living thing – moving, creaking, creating new landscapes in it’s wake. knowing that the vast appalachian range that i call home was formed by glacial movement, and that there is about 100 ft of glacial dust under the western part of tennessee, i returned home with a renewed connection to this vast thing that is both powerful and also frail. putting my boot on the ground and seeing the clear blue glacial ice below it is something i won’t ever forget.

peace signs at high camp

in the meantime, i learned a lot about my body. it didn’t do what i asked it to do, but the world didn’t end either. i still think that mountaineering is completely insane. but i also know that i will be back on mount rainier, back on that cleaver, to learn just a little bit more.

this was waiting for me in the mail when i returned home. the universe always knows.

      we started at the bottom, now we’re here. i set a whole host of goals this year. spend 30 nights outside. pay off my student loans.

Natter #3   6/24/2020

So, on Saturday morning, I took part of my breakfast (yogurt) from our backup  fridge in the garage, but when I put the first spoonful in my mouth I noticed that it was warm. Strange that. So I checked the backup fridge and found that everything in it was warm. The freezer contents - weren't.This was a disaster as I had been to QFC a couple of days previously buying frozen and fresh foods including four half-gallons of milk. Jean had been out the day after for the first time in 12 weeks and part of her haul was more milk and ice cream. I imagine that the excitement of being out again at last and back to her old stamping grounds overcame memory. So here we were rushing around trying to save what we could by rearranging everything in the kitchen fridge and then trying to close the door.The old fridge was possibly down on refrigerant and I was a bit annoyed for a brief moment until I remembered when we bought it.  It was when we lived at the 'old house' way back in 1970 and it was already a year old when we got it! My word - 50 years old. I should have remembered as it's color is 'Harvest Gold' which hasn't been seen on store shelves in donkeys ages. I tend not to date things by color though, as modern colors mean little to me - 'Taupe' for instance means less than nothing. My lexicon runs in terms of the spectrum. But forgetting it's date made me think back to those 'Old House days' and what we were about then - those days and other old days that preceded that time.  My memory of 'then' is perfectly clear  - it seems just like it was yesterday even though I know how long ago it actually was. So many friends and relatives who are no longer around to share those times with, One of the things that have remained constant is our phone number. Of course, then we had an exchange name -  Adams 2, which has now been transmuted to numbers - 232, and I think doing this has lost the feeling of romance that it seemed to have for me. When I was a kid many of our dairy and grocery items were delivered to the door by horse-drawn carts - very few people or businesses had a sufficiently high priority during the war to have a petrol ration. Mum had joined the "Co-op" for convenience and of course, there was the benefit of a bonus payout at year's end. I loved these horses and would meet them outside and feed them apples, carrots and whatever else I had to hand. Still firmly in my mind is the Co-op number I had to recite to the driver when we had milk or groceries delivered - 157376.  Being horses, they would leave proof of their passage along the road and my Dad would pay me a shilling per bucket full of 'Golden Apples' as my Dad referred to this natural function  It seemed like it was too demeaning a job for a full-grown adult  and using his term was sort of distancing himself from the unpleasantness. It used to embarrass me a bit too, but you couldn't argue with the reward. it was all grist to the mill, and it did do the roses a power of good. In 1956, I had been out of the RAF for a year and had also just recently returned home from a  very long sojourn in hospital, and my Dad was persuaded, against his will, to have a phone installed. Phones were not then usual to find in most houses and my Dad's reluctance was based on the very real belief that his company could too easily find him at inconvenient times. I told him that it was an absolute necessity in that day and age and so at last it was installed. Our phone number was Fairlands 4725 and as I said, I remember the old exchanges with affection. Others in our neighborhood were Derwent and Vigilant and my favorite Aunt had the best I always felt - Silverthorn - lovely. The Fairlands exchange was essential to me as when I was discharged from the hospital I had left behind a lovely German nurse with whom I had developed special feelings. When I had become sufficiently fit to allow me to leave the hospital and walk around the grounds, I used to collect any outgoing mail from other patients who were still confined to bed and take it some distance up the road, through the snow to a mailbox. Just to make sure I would be okay, Irmgard, for such was her name, would accompany me and we would find a need to indulge in long hugs and exchange lip locks - just to keep the cold at bay you understand? Shared bodily warmth is a great way to defeat the weather! Later, returning to the hospital, which had been a big old private house standing in its own grounds, we would split up at the circular drive with a last goodnight kiss. Irmgard would go round to the kitchen door and I would go the other way to the front door. Knowing that our companion runs were our secret, I was surprised to find the youngish Matron just inside the door. With a twinkle in her eye, she asked if it was cold out and I acknowledged that it was. She told me that I should be careful that I didn't get chapped lips, but then added that lipstick was a sovereign remedy - and departed with a grin. So much for secrecy! Irmgard's phone exchange name at the hospital was Coombe Wood - not exactly what might be termed 'romantic' but association made it so. Our association was quite intense and a forthcoming proposal, whilst welcomed, was at that time impossible for Irmgard to accept. Her sister was soon to marry, another Englishman and they would be returning to England to live after their honeymoon. She would not leave her parents alone just like that. She had been sent to England for a couple of years to improve her English and was soon to return home to Bad Canstatt, just outside Stuttgart. As I was about to return to my studies we were parted and unlikely to meet again any time soon. So our contacts were limited to letters and very rare and expensive phone calls and so the Canstatt exchange also lives brightly in my memory. Unfortunately, long-distance relations tend to strain circumstances and over time our contacts became less and less,     Sometime later I reached a point where I was able to take a trip to the Continent. I wrote to Irmgard to tell her that at last I was able to come over to see her, not being really sure of my reception as I hadn't written for ages. Within days I had a reply and although she was totally delighted that I was coming she told me that she had become engaged. I couldn't really blame her as I had been very lax, but she wanted me to come and meet her family when I arrived. She was really very good and took me all over the city and ended at her parents' home in the evening to a party for her sister and new husband, just returned from their honeymoon on Lake Constance. It was a really nice evening and I got on very well with her parents, but of course, I didn't like her fiance at all! After all this, although I had been given her brother-in-law's name and address back home I was never able to contact him. I would love to have kept up to know how her life proceeded. I still have her framed portrait photograph she sent me when she had first returned home, inscribed "Zur stehten Erinnerung" Deine Irmgard. I have been occupying some of my evenings on the computer lately sorting and printing out the Natters that Jo & Tom, Carin and Janet have been good enough to get to me. As they all seem to have been listed well out of order I am busy trying to see what I have and what might yet still be missing. The job has been compounded by the difficulty I have experienced in opening the Flash Drive. Sometimes it allows me to zip along, opening files, but then will stop and nothing will work. Next day I try again and I am off to the races again. But I am getting there slowly and tonight (Monday) I completed taking off hard copies. Now I can sort through, putting them in chronological order and see what I shall see. Much more later, but there seems to be nothing before 2012 so I guess that was when I started. As I mentioned last Natter I have been attacking Lily of the Valley and I am almost finished - at least with what was visible. Along the way, I have also removed Sword ferns, Cedar seedlings five feet high and Jasmine. The Jasmine was an insignificant rooted cutting, from where, I have no recollection. It had been placed in a pot on the ground and had been overgrown by all sorts of stuff and over the last year had gone nuts. It was to be used at the Plant Sale and now there are five separate plants threatening to strangle you on the approach to the greenhouse so of course, they have to go. The final gap in my deer-proof fencing was completed a week ago but I forgot to mention it to the deer and my hostas have now been browsed off on three separate occasions. As soon as it looks like there might be leaves on “Empress Woo” that might be reaching terminal size, they disappear and I am beginning to think that I will have to curtail totally growing the items they obviously consider their personal snack bar. 'Doesn't really leave much selection but at least, so far, my cardiocrinums don't feature on their menu. 'Have to be grateful for small mercies I suppose. One good thing has come out of this. My neighbor (ex MG Jill) who has allowed me to use three raised beds to grow veg, has been getting worried that I might fall from the area where the raised beds live - on a raised part of the garden with a six-foot-high rock wall as it's western boundary. She sees me stepping back to admire my work and then bailing out over the edge. So she is having a large bed prepared at the bottom of the wall, which will be enclosed by a deer-proof cage. It will also benefit from the heat held by the rock wall - all sorts of interesting possibilities there. She is a good friend. So next year we might actually be able to eat something we have grown once more. 'Haven't been able to do that for the last four years now, except for Onions and Garlic! Got started on removing existing plants today so we might have the new bed up and running before too long with any luck.  I think it was the hardest day's work I have done for ages and I had to have a nap in the afternoon, but I couldn't tell whether that was because I had two early start days or the sheer grind of lifting heavy plants.You have likely realised that I am just stumbling along here so I will finish and get to bed.

You fearless and weary leader.Gordon

PS Jill had a change of mind just following this and the bed we cleared was ordered replanted - and not with veggies or fruit either. Got to find another place - perhaps a PeaPatch again?