#i am projecting so much of my ocd onto this man.
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DANGANRONPA 2 GENERAL HEADCANONS
Just some headcanons that I wrote down, most of it is just pure nonsense and I love that for me
🍊Hajime Hinata🍊
•TRANS MASC (HE'S JUST LIKE ME FR)
•Bi man, big bi man (men pref)
•He doesn't untie his tie, he just makes it loose enough to slip it on and off
•Is like really quiet when you don't know him, but once he's comfortable with you he has no control over what he says
•Deals with intrusive thoughts
•He's so silly
•Has ADD or ADHD and OCD
•Sleeps in the fetal position
🍖Akane Owari🍖
•My favorite Demiromantic demigirl
•My girl is sex REPOLST
•Aoi is her cousin
•Akane is so proud of Aoi
•High metabolism omg
•Whenever she got bored doing something with gymnastics she'd go up to little kids and show off
•"You wanna see what I can do-"
•She hopes that by showing off the kids get inspired by her and work hard
•She's really good with kids, like #1 babysitter type shit
•Her and Kazuichi are close too
•Like bff's
⚜️The Ultimate Imposter⚜️
•Agender. Definitely Agender
•They/It motherfucker
•gently holds them
•I LOVE THEM SO MUCH :((
•Everytime they disguise themselves an identity crisis happens
•"No one knows who I really am :), but also, no one knows who I really am :("
•Has a very empty room
•like, little to nothing
•CAREGIVER, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH
👾Chiaki Nanami👾
•My silly little she/they lesbian
•Tbh I also feel like she's aroace
•My girl is a whole program, I doubt they care about all that‼️
•Loves Mario Kart
•OCD
•Collects old school gaming controllers and stuff
🩸Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu🩸
•HE/HIM BUTCH LESBIAN
•but also he/him trans masc
•no matter what he's trans, I don't make the rules
•With the Trans fem headcanon I love him with Peko
•They are my silly lesbians♥️
•Has so many scars
•I LOVE HIM
•He does age regression
•I DON'T MAKE THE RULES
•Let me project
🐹Gundham Tanaka🐹
•HE/SHE/THEY NON-BINARY SILLY
•They are simply too cool for gender
•Autism?
•Autism.
• yk that one meme that's like "When I go nonverbal at the function"
•Yeah, that's them
•Has costumes for the Dark Devas of Destruction
•HAS MATCHING COSTUMES WITH THEM
👘Hiyoko Saionji👘
•Lesbian‼️‼️
•Her and Imposter are so Sibling coded
•Like her calling him "Ham hands!" SIBLINGS
•I like found family :)
•Like Hiyoko would annoy them so much but will apologize ONLY to them
•Even with Mahiru, Hiyoko will give her half-ass apologies
•HIYOKO AND IMPOSTER FRIENDSHIP‼️
🎸Ibuki Mioda🎸
•My bi-con
•When she gets Overstimulated she just gets more verbal
•Like "omg it's so loud in here??? Should I be louder? I should-"
•She has like those noise cancelling headphones for when she sleeps because of her heightened hearing
•Without the headphones? Not a wink of sleep
•ADHD and OCD
•Whenever she doesn't concerts she makes friends with the staff (or at least tries to)
•Ibuki and Kazuichi have sleepovers and watch kid shows together just for the fun of it
🔧Kazuichi Soda🔧
•AGAIN, TRANS FEM OR MASC THEY BOTH WORK
•LIKE THAT ONE PART OF KAZ SAYING THAT HE WOULD WANT TO BE A WOMAN TO TALK TO SONIA CASUALLY???? SCREAMS TRANS FEM
•also his thing with Sonia? That's not a crush, that's gender envy. (Let me be silly with this)
•Like his eyeliner in game?? No cis man would be able to do that/hj
•Also has the tism
•NEEDS TO BE HOLDING SOMETHING, ANYTHING
•Has like, a box of stim toys
•DOES JUMPY AND TIPPY TOE STIMS
•They really like the feeling of Gundhams scarf
•ALSO DOES LITTLE SPACE
•Let me project onto them😡
📸Mahiru Koizumi📸
•Lesbian or Panromantic
•Big asexual icon
•She forgets things so easily (Main reason why she took up photography)
•She's always late to the first class of the day because she sees something really pretty and takes multiple pictures of it
💉Mikan Tsumiki💉
•DEMISEXUAL, MY HOMEGIRL HAS TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE BEFORE SHE EVEN THINKS ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP
•She's also trans fem
•Gently holds her omg
•She asked Nagito to help fix her hair
•He fucked it up more
•Like you know that one part of her bangs that's shorter than the other strands? He did that
•Nagito and her would be silly friends
•"Why would an amazing Ultimate like you want to be friends with a worthless human like me?"
•She'd say something like- "Because you're not that bad, you just get unlucky sometimes, just like me!"
•Like, with how she falls, she's definitely unlucky
•SHE'S ALSO HYPERSEXUAL
🍀Nagito Komaeda🍀
•I really dislike him so I have very little
•My guy is definitely a He/They
•Is (somewhat) close to most of the Lucky students
•He'd end up degrading them though
•"It's amazing how we got into Hopes Peak from just luck!" "I know, how worthless is it that we are only here because of a name drawing!"
•He doesn't have many friends
•And with the few he does have, he just doesn't understand??
•like, my man is struggling to understand why HE has friends
🌪️Nekomaru Nidai🌪️
•The only cis Man here istg
•I love him so much omg
•He would help younger students train and just exercise
•Like him, Mondo, and Taka, they were like besties
•Taka would look up to him SO MUCH
•I'm also a Taka lover, be warned
•Also really good with kids
•Type of person to swing the swings so hard that it tangles up
•Akane would have to fix the swings
•He's just so silly :((
🎭Peko Pekoyama🎭
•FUTCH LESBIAN, HER AND FUYUHIKO ARE MY SILLY LITTLE LESBIANS, I LOVE THEM.
•She's near sighted
•She HATES contacts
•No matter what she does she doesn't take off her glasses, she wears them in the shower, in the pool, everywhere (just like me)
•Her eyesight gets worse and worse everyday/hj
•CARETAKER‼️‼️
•I LOVE HER SO MUCH
•Near sighted
👑Sonia Nevermind👑
•My girl experiments with pronouns and labels
•She's knows she likes woman though, 100%
•Going with the Trans Fem Kazuichi headcanon: she'd help Kaz with clothes
•Like, "You should try this on-"
•Of course she wouldn't forgive Kaz with the weird harassing thingy but she'd be okay with them after a while
•Sonia doesn't hold grudges
•I'm also a Kazuichi apologist ‼️
•SONIA WOULD CRY IF SHE MET GENOCIDER SHO
•CRYING OF HAPPINESS, LIKE‼️‼️
•"Omg- I've been watching police reports of you since you first started killing-!"
•She would watch Gundham's animals and dress them up in fancy little animals clothes
🍴Teruteru Hanamura🍴
•Pansexual
•We already knew that though
•I have like, nothing for him
•I don't like him >:(
•Loves those really corny romance shows
•Like the really bad ones that suck? Yeah, those
•He has a whole notebook with his mother's recipes for when he left to go to Hopes peak so he could cook them whenever he got homesick :(
•He HATES sharing recipes to other people
•Can NOT work in the kitchen with someone else
•MOVE OUT OF HIS WAY, HE WILL SHOVE YOU‼️
#danganronpa 2#headcanon#danganronpa headcanons#nekomaru nidai#gundham tanaka#chiaki nanami#The Ultimate Imposter#akane owari#hajime hinata#kazuichi soda#ibuki mioda#hiyoko saionji#fuyuhiko kuzuryu#peko pekoyama#mahiru koizumi#mikan tsumiki#nagito komaeda#teruteru hanamura#sonia nevermind#super danganronpa 2#super Danganronpa 2 headcanons
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TW for mental illness. Mild self injury (not self harm) OCD...
Please tell me if you don't want things like this sent in I am just rambling.
Giving the boys some of my various Issues because they are traumatized and so am I. And it makes me feel better to project onto Fictional characters (man when I saw Iron Man have a panic attack on the big screen it helped me so much...)
Simon has dermotilamania and trichaltillamania (the skin-picking and hair-pulling disorders )
He is clean shaven bc he WILL methodically rip out any facial hair otherwise. Sometimes his eyebrows and eyelashes fall victim when he's really stressed. He's constantly covered in bandages because he rips at his skin. Around his nails, along his jaw, and arms are always covered in small wounds in various stages of healing. Sometimes when he wakes up feeling like he's being buried alive, he'll go to the bathroom and find bleeding gashes along his throat from trying to make it so he can "breathe"
Saw someone say Gaz has OCD once and I will always take an opportunity to shed light on such a terrible disorder. Living with it is hell. His anxieties probably revolve around missions going wrong. And since that is always a real possibility, it just feeds the OCD monster. Always has to knock on wood. Has to repeat mantras in his head. Double checks everything. Has to tap his fingers in a specific sequence. Once for every member of his team and his family or they will die and it'll be his fault. He knows it's irrational but fuck it's hard to resist compulsions...
-🔪
Thank you for tagging triggers at the top!
\tw: self injury (not self harm), mental illness, 09 Ghost's canon backstory. DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT.
People always "toy" with the physical stuff more often than not (bullet wounds, Soap's knee injury, Ghost's scars) but the mental illness part is overlooked so often for anyone OUTSIDE of Ghost (bc torture).
But honestly, I'm all for making characters feel as real as possible. The boys would NOT be 100% sane after all they went through (I'm a big fan of making Simon Riley Suffer™️ /s)
I also hc 100% that the boys have certain mental illnesses (besides the physical stuff ofc) from service.
But I saw a fic where Soap had bipolar, another where Price turns to drugs (cocaine especially) to deal with all the shit he goes through on a daily basis, add to that disassociation/DID for Ghost and OCD for Gaz (also saw that hc for Gaz!!!)...
Those things are important to mention, ofc not everyone wants to write the angst and that's totally fine but when you LIKE that stuff (the ANGST!!! I mean), seeing it approach such topics that are SO realistic and expected??? It feels like a pay off for something you've always known you wanted to see.
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Jean and Warren for the character bingo
^ WARREN GETS A BINGO WOOOOOO. i should clarify i think he is complex and well written, but like. not in modern day. i think ~recently (like honestly post x-force 2010) was when they really started to struggle with him, and i think in the krakoan era ESPECIALLY they just.....have really dropped the ball. but. in general. i think he's very complex. i am so very normal about this bird man that lives in my head 24/7 and i CAN fix him, but fixing him requires making him worse first. :) [i also 100% project my own ocd onto him but it's simply because i see the signs, i see the threads, and like. i think it's a really neat concept personally to have this walking pretty privilege of a man have the most fucked up brain that he refuses to talk about Because he doesn't want to ruin his pretty privilege. but i digress]
^ jean as part of the o5 also automatically lives in my head rent free. i do not post about her a lot and that's mostly because admittedly a lot of my x-men reading has been very warren-centric except for other specific student generations (cough academy x / gen x, and i'm getting into new mutants now too wahoooo) . but i know she's got a lot cooking, i've absorbed a lot via tumblr dashboard osmosis and friends-talking-about-xmen-hyperfixations osmosis and personally i think i can make her worse too!!! i could make every x-men student generation worse actually but i REALLY think about her and the o5 a lot. about how much worse i could make them. and i love her a lot despite me not blorbo posting much about her. she's a really neat character that u can stick under a microscope and observe the hundreds of layers she's got in her ykwim
#and that's kinda why i don't feel like i Can blorbo post about jean. because i have not put the work in i do not Understand all the layers#fully yet. but one day. i will.#ask
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What about Molly? Since Jon is Alice and March Hare? Where does she fit into that?
{{ Ok so. Let me try to explain lmao.
So, Molly is Alice. So much so that he will consistently refer to her as such as of most recently. But Jonathan... has been deemed an honorary Alice for some more specific reasons, because of a few mental glitches in Jervis' brain.
Jervis is so strange in that he's very much gay for men but has only ever expressed that attraction twice in his entire life because of his fixation on Alice. Jonathan... and ( god help him ) Batman. And both of them, you'll notice, he labels as Alice despite them clearly looking nothing like her. That is because he is referring to something other than their appearance that makes them his Alice.
So whenever this happens, this rare occurrence where he's so attracted to a man he can't mentally justify it, he projects Alice onto them retroactively, as if to rectify an incongruence in his head. And that is... that he MUST be in love with Alice. If he's in love with you, that means You Are Alice.
And so that, combined with the fact Jon said that he wished he could be Alice and even went so far as to try on his Alice dress once, caused Jervis to understand that they're expressing romantic intent so he dresses them as Alice properly and deems them Alice, freeing his OCD riddled mind to finally see them as a romantic partner, even despite his fear that something would go wrong if they were more than friends.
He says "You are my Alice" as in
You are my Alice ( I love you )
You are my Alice ( you mean everything to me )
You are my Alice ( I have looked everywhere for you )
And to be the March Hare is to be his best friend, his loyal right hand man.
so when he says " You are my March Hare and my Alice "
He is saying " You are my best friend and also I want to marry you. "
It's just that the Wonderland part of his brain will take it all literally.
I'm sorry I am rambling--
I hope I have translated Jervis Tetchese for you well enough, thank you. }}
#🐇 ◆◇◆ || ₙₒ ᵣₒₒₘ₋ ₙₒ ᵣₒₒₘ! || { o.o.c. }#🐇 ◆◇◆ || cᵤᵣᵢₒᵤₛₑᵣ ₐₙd cᵤᵣᵢₒᵤₛₑᵣ! || { ask. }#anonymous#🐇 ◆◇◆ || ᵢ cₐₙ’ₜ ₑₓₚₗₐᵢₙ ₘyₛₑₗf ᵢ’ₘ ₐfᵣₐᵢd ₛᵢᵣ... || { headcanons. }
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I mean obviously mordred if he's still available, but also literally any orkney. or all of them.
Asjkdl thank you for the excuse to talk about the orkney kids! I love them.
Mordred is the character who got me into Arthuriana and I love him. Like I was sixteen, randomly got the idea to write an Arthurian story, decided to make it about Mordred, and I've been hyperfixating on Arthuriana ever since. So he definitely holds a special place in my heart.
Man, there really is nothing like a character you project onto when you're a teenager, though. Like the whole magic system in that book was a blatant metaphor for my OCD and sleep issues. I autistic-coded Mordred and didn't even realize until I read up on autism a bit and went, "huh. Weird that he comes across that way when I am definitely not autistic" and then didn't think about it until I realized I was autistic three years later. It's so funny to me.
I did have some kinda weird takes in that story, I think, but one take I had that I still like is that almost all of the family problems go back to Uther (I mean, a lot of Arthur's problems also go back to Merlin, but definitely the trauma of learning what Uther did to his mother fucked him up). Morgan, Morgause, and Mordred really were all out here trying to kill Arthur as a form of therapy in that story and I think that was very funny of them. Anyway I think the idea that Mordred is processing trauma through committing treason is very valid and also funny. Honestly I think 'everyone is attempting to process their trauma through murder and it's not working' is a valid reading of Arthurian legend as a whole.
'Wasted potential' is only for Malory, btw (well, and for basically every single Mordred in a modern adaptation that I've read for some reason, but you know). I find it really funny that Malory sets up SUCH an interesting villain--Mordred has every reason to hate his father! He doesn't have a reason to hurt Literally Everyone Else, though. I really like villains where they've got a good reason to do what they do, but also they're still murdering people. And then Malory just doesn't do anything with the setup he's created and Mordred is evil in Le Morte D'Arthur just because. Le Morte D'Arthur gets a pass in regards to its Mordred characterization ONLY for the scene where Mordred plunges Arthur's spear deeper into his chest in order to get Arthur into stabbing range. Iconic. That was the scene that made Mordred one of my favorites. What can I say, I adore characters who would murder me in real life.
What else uhh I think the fact that he and Agravaine are friends is SO cute and I love that. Characters who are pretty mean but are still really nice to each other are just *chef's kiss* Also this is a pretty unpopular opinion, but I kinda like the versions of the legends where Guinevere commits treason with Mordred mainly because my sister bullied me into writing it when I was younger lmao. Also I LOVE fucked up evil women who commit treason and I think Guinevere deserves to commit treason. Like genuinely I'm not even sure that I ship Mordred/Guinevere so much as I think Guinevere deserves to get the chance to kill people. Anyway I need to stop talking about this before I get off track and start talking exclusively about Guinevere, but suffice to say that I think my favorite (platonic or romantic) relationship dynamics to put Mordred in are when both characters are at least a little awful, but they really do love each other a lot and try to do the best they can for each other.
Also I love the Alliterative Morte Arthure and the way it portrays Mordred. Mordred is like weirdly sympathetic in that one?? He honestly comes across as in over his head and it's really interesting.
Anyway, man, I realized my childhood writing impacted how I view Arthurian characters a lot, but I feel like I didn't realize exactly how much until I wrote this post for some reason. Huh. Also I've made myself want to get back to that Arthurian retelling.
In conclusion, I love Mordred <3 He is so transgender and mentally ill and I adore him. My favorite Arthurian character is probably either Guinevere or Lunete, but Mordred is definitely up there.
I'm going to use this as an excuse to talk about Agravaine real quick because *gestures to username* I love him. Also he was one of the characters who was really pulling his weight as far as getting me through queer Christian kid-flavored childhood trauma. I don't know WHY I decided this character was sympathetic and also queer, the workings of my teenage mind are a mystery to me. This wasn't a decision that was influenced by anything that I can think of?? I'd never come across a sympathetic Agravaine before. Anyway I have no idea why I looked at this character and decided to have queer headcanons, but I do think I made the objectively correct decision. Anyway he has SUCH middle child energy. Sure, he's a jerk, but I simply think that it's impossible to be normal when you have Gawain for an older sibling and, as a middle child, I think that middle children have the right to be kind of mean.
I think Agravaine is just self-aware enough to realize that things around him are kind of Bad and people are doing bad things, but he's not self-aware enough to actually change anything or remove himself from the situation in any way. So instead he's just sarcastic and mean and people don't like him, even though honestly there are people around him who are way worse morally speaking (didn't. Didn't Gawain slaughter his way through an entire castle for no reason in this one Dutch romance. I love Gawain and I love when he murders people but he needs help). And then when Agravaine DOES finally stop being passive and make a choice for himself, it's completely the wrong one. No!!! Don't expose Lancelot and Guinevere's affair!! It's pointless and helps no one and you will die!! But he ignores all the good advice he is given, decides instead to listen to his definitely mentally stable little brother who is definitely making good decisions at the moment, and then he dies. Agravaine is my pathetic little man who I adore.
Also, I really like siblings who are also friends AND I like siblings who dislike each other even though they also love each other. So Agravaine and Mordred, and Agravaine and Gawain, respectively. I find Agravaine and Gawain to be kind of interesting, because even though they are very different and I'm not sure they get along too much, they're also very much cut from the same cloth? They both care a LOT about their family (which is a trait all of the orkney siblings share, tbh. In most families, that would be a good thing, but in the hands of the orkney siblings it turns into Gaheris killing his own mother because she fell in love with the son of the guy who killed her husband. I'm sorry these guys are just batshit and I can't stop thinking about them). They're both way smarter than they look and use that for evil. I think Gawain and Agravaine sort of dislike each other but also can't help but see themselves in each other, even when they don't want to.
As much as I would love to do all the orkneys at once, this post is already getting very long, so I'll stop here. Although while I'm talking about the orkneys, I will say that Clarissant is Best GIrl. Thanks so much for the ask, I loved the opportunity to ramble about my bad Arthurian opinions!
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This movie is very important to me <3 so I thought I'd do a spread of my fav character, Bruno!
#spent most of this exploring and trying to figure stuff out about him hehe#i also think that the rats will perform and act for him when he's too sick to direct :']#i am projecting so much of my ocd onto this man.#this is only the beginning of my encanto art btw <3#Encanto#Bruno Madrigal#ocd#maribel madrigal#my art#digital#fanart
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sense8 for the blorbo ask game? <3
blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)
D A N I thirsty asf adhd aroace finding a place where she is comfortable and has healthy boundaries and is loved for who she is, somehow the most me character ever <333
scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)
Sun 🥺🥺🥺 i KNOW she can kill me with her bare hands but also she is baby and deserves LOVE 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)
capheusss god the sheer joy and hope and goodness he represents and god what a dork and #1 sun bak fanboy mun get in line he is so important <333
one of my favourite him quotes is the title of this blog and that’s not about to change :’)
ALSO speaking of detective mun my fucking beloved idk how underrated he is bc im not really around there much but i would DIE for him he is there for one purpose and that is to love sun bak even and often especially when she is beating the shit out of him and i love him for that
also he’s so 😳😳🥺🥺😍😍
that scene in the finale when he’s telling diego how sun brought him to meet her family then it just goes to this scene absolute peak of cinema <333
glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)
*kicks down door* MR HOY
*punches desk* there’s no GIFS
n e way sense8 went what is the one thing that could improve this - sylvester mccoy and they were RIGHT
poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)
will i don’t want to like him he’s a cop so he sucks but in s2 when he’s just ill and traumatised and crying and being Held by his gf i gotta be like 🥺🥺 they let him do that huh good for him
ALSO jonas man is literally kilgharrah he’s such a cryptic and flaky bitch for NO reason godbless when will’s in the final dramatic car chase and jonas just plops down nexct to him bc he’s about to die and will’s jsut like NOT NOW JONAS yeah i felt that <33
horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)
...kala
LEMME EXPLAIN OK i only want good things for her and her to be happy but when she’s having a crisis it is soo fucking funny and relatable this girl is grappling with being demi and poly and cheating on her husband and falling in love with her husband and a TON of excessive moral ruminations and convictions that she’s a terrible person i am so projecting my ocd onto her godbless and being so salty and dramatic like deadpan saying she has something deeply wrong with her while she’s wearing cute blouses and cat patterned shorts its a little hilarious and i love her and ofc it all comes right in the end :’))
also lito in much the same vein as kala they both learn and grow so much over the course of the series often together all while being as salty and dramatic as possible about it good for them <33
eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)
LILA i hate her sm she’s the worst character of them all why is she here why is she like that writers you had one job
also whispers obvs but he’s not even worth getting mad at he is LITERALLY only there to provide stakes he’s not a person xx
ty littt 💕💕💕💕
#sense8#beloved#plz watch this show it has so many blorbos and the vast majority of them are not white men#ask game
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Hello! and PSA
*waves* hi everyone! so uh, I’ve kind of had a bit of a surge in followers recently, and I thought I would make a bit of a PSA/intro post with a bit more targeted info than my about page.
anyways, I’m cyan! statistically speaking, you are probably here for one of the following reasons:
my fic
my meta
my gifs
my translation
all of the above
this is pretty much an mdzs blog on main these days, but I also rb a lot of other misc things because I have never been good at keeping my interests separate. it’s also my personal blog, so expect some of that? i am very all or nothing ahaha. my opinions change very quickly as I process new information, so like, something I said last week or yesterday might be different now! I’ve seen several people going through some of my older posts, and I’m just like oh dear, I said a lot of things six months ago that I no longer vibe with. /o\ please keep that in mind as you go diving in my blog!
i don’t have a BYF or DNI policy, but I reserve the right to block anyone for any reason because this is a personal blog first and foremost, and I do need to be better about setting my boundaries and curating my own online space! on that same token, you are free to follow, unfollow, block, whatever, even if we’re mutuals. <3
you’re free to come talk to me in my inbox or dms, but please be aware that there’s a very high chance I will never get back to you /o\ it isn’t personal!! I am just very mentally ill and have many difficulties with keeping up social interactions or talking to people.
in the interest of trying to be more open about myself, my brain, and what that means for me in an online/fandom space, I’m gonna do a boatload of mental health talk under the cut (or, if you’re looking at this on my blog proper or somewhere where the cut doesn’t display, it starts right after this paragraph), including mentions of self-harm/thoughts of specific self-harm etc, just so you are warned! I’ve been thinking recently that it’s good to try and take steps towards being more open about my issues, both for my own sake and others’. It’s long, because one of the fun things about my mental illness is that I am hyperverbal ahahaha (if that... wasn’t already obvious orz)
so if you’ve read pfmmpd, you can kind of get a sense of what I’m working with. a lot of how i wrote lwj was drawn directly from shit happening in my own brain, but like? dial that up from the specific issues that lwj had in that fic and apply it unilaterally across the board to almost anything you can think of.
I hesitate to describe my OCD as debilitating, but only because my specific cocktail of compulsions and anxieties and triggers push me to be hyperachieving and hyperfunctional. I consider myself pretty fortunate (?) in that regard. on paper, you could never tell how absolutely batshit my internal landscape is! which is very good for me practically in that I can hold down a job, keep scholarships, graduate with honors, have good prospects for my future, hold onto relationships (usually yikes) etc. but the fact of the matter is, I’m like. oh boy.
to give you a peek, here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that have triggered me to varying degrees of severity within the last like, week or so:
my dog
a chinese folk song
my mother reading a chinese haiku to me written by a young gay man
a chinese reader of my fic lovingly and gently giving me a history lesson on china and on mdzs while praising me
stepping on a piece of snow that didn’t collapse in the precise way i expected it to
writing meta
reading meta
ruminating on my triggers (honestly, I played myself)
seeing a twitter thread going around tumblr with decent information but the OP is someone who was exceedingly cruel to a good friend of mine
visiting my grandmother’s grave
deciding to visit my grandmother’s grave
discussing the concept of cuddling my partner whom i love and have been with for four years
self-harming (truly the height of irony, being triggered into self-harm and then getting triggered by the result of the self-harm hahahahahaha)
dropping off a package
trying to explain queer-coding to my parents
talking about stressors in my life related to covid19
having a very pleasant conversation with a person i admire
editing my translation
the fact that the “close” button on my accessibility sidebar on the translation website is the wrong color
choosing between eating all the shiitake mushrooms in my soup and purposefully giving myself a bad reaction or throwing one out and wasting food
thinking about playing a fun game with my partner and a mutual friend
my mom asking me to take a photo of some tea for her
my mom asking my opinion on a photo she was photoshopping
animal crossing
writing this fucking post HAHAHAHA
like!! it goes on!! endlessly! obviously, these triggers are not simply “bad” things. the chinese folk song and the haiku were both really beautiful and i love them! but I did spend a good amount of time curled up on my floor in the dark sobbing as i played the song on repeat. the haiku was one of the last straws that ended up with me screaming and crying and hurting myself. the snow??? like wtf the snow thing. I stepped on the snow and it felt wrong and my brain just started screaming SMASH YOUR KNEECAP. ???? (I didn’t, for the record, and I would never.) I love my partner very much! I love my friends very much, and my mother, and my grandmother etc. my triggers are infinite, unpredictable, and bizarre.
I’m saying all of this because I want to be clear that MDZS/CQL fandom specifically triggers me on a daily basis, sometimes very very badly. this is just a fact! it is no one’s fault! I have decided it is worth it for me to stay anyways. it is impossible for me to request people tag for certain things because I myself have no idea what my triggers are until I encounter them. It’s like a fun mystery boss encounter! sometimes it’s low level and i’m well-equipped to handle it. other times it’s a one-hit KO. We just don’t know! there are lots of very cool content creators in this fandom that I can’t follow because it would make my dash that much more high stakes. the original source canon material triggers me! all the events leading up to Lotus Cove massacre? I was shaking at work for three hours after consuming it for the first time.
Meta specifically is something I know a lot of people like me for, but it’s 100% the most triggering activity I participate in for this fandom. like, that suibian meta post I wrote that’s currently going around? Probably took me four or five hours of concentrated effort to write because I was compulsively panicking and rewriting and editing and panicking more and qualifying and editing and qualifying some more and then debating whether I should post it or not and then fighting with myself about my wording and then immediately regretting it and then every time someone commented on it (regardless of positive or negative!) my anxiety spiked. I started a reply to a response on that post and had to stop after a few minutes because I was already starting to trigger myself over it.
this is actually a pretty good outcome when it comes to meta! I recognized that I was hurting myself before I got any further, and I only spent like, five hours on it! it was good exposure therapy for me! the bad outcome is. well. bad, as you might imagine lmao.
I like writing meta. I like talking to people about it too! I like participating in fandom, I like writing, I like translating, I like all of these things. they’re just also really hard for me! there’s a couple meta requests sitting in my inbox right now that I want to get to, but it might take me like. a long time because of. you know! *gestures* Everything takes me a long time. that first chapter of the translation took me literally five months from beginning the project to posting a final edited version. It’s just over 1k words. D8
I try really hard to be chill and kind in public and I largely think I succeed on the kind part (I hope!). If you thought I had even an ounce of chill before this, perhaps I have disabused of that notion entirely now lmao. I’m not saying this for pity, but like? just so we all know what we’re dealing with here. I don’t want anyone to get hurt when I don’t engage with them or feel snubbed if I never reply to them. and also like, hey, if someone relates it’s like hooray, high fave, solidarity! we’re not alone in this world! or maybe this will help someone understand OCD a little better! I don’t know. I hope this post is a positive thing. BUT! I’ve spent three hours on it already, and i’m definitely starting to compulsively spiral, so instead of going back and editing it over and over, I’m just going to post it. thank you everyone for your understanding! I hope you enjoy your time on my blog! (*´▽`*)
#/#//#///#////#/////#personal#psa#cyan gets too deep in the weeds#HA HA HA.#can't believe i'm using that tag on a personal post except like. of course i am#hello everyone are you ready for some cyan dlc?#well you're getting it#im anxious about this thing because i'm anxious about everything but!#we are doing exposure therapy this year!!#even if the world is burning down around us i can still try to confront my problems!!!#about
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anonymous asked:
🔥 + arkh/m knight r!ddler
IT’S UNPOPULAR OPINION TIME ! / ACCEPTING !
Definitely my least favorite portrayal of Ed in the Ark series... it’s not the worst portrayal of Ed in general. But there are just some problems I have with it. While I actually love the design, I don’t like it for Ed. For one thing, it just feels like it contradicts with what City Ed is supposed to be... for example, these are from the concept arts for City;
It’s still known that Ed loves to dress up nicely, (in fact, the usage of the words ‘OCD pristine’ makes it feel like something he needs to do.) Saying he had no choice made it sounded like, you know... he was forced to get dirty, but still wears the suit regardless. So... it’s just strange how in Knight, he’s wearing a... wifebeater filled with holes, and very dirtied clothes. Like, I get the point is “oh, he’s so desperate, he’s now not bothering to take care of himself!” Which makes me sad, but also just doesn’t feel right for Ed’s character. Because of the question marks on his suit, I presumed he had it custom-made. Hell, the question marks even look like they were even sewn in. Perhaps by a tailor, or Ed himself.
So, in Knight... he still has the question marks? Where’d he find this shirt? Did he have IT custom-made? If so, he could bother with this, but not bother throwing his suit on?
I loved City’s design so much because there feels like A LOT of thought put into it, and it made me think differently about character design. Like for example; Ed has messy hair because it feels like the designers actually remembered he had OCD. They thought it would be messy because of his stimming. Which amazed me that someone would think of that, because with Ed... most people really do just design him with slick back hair, or neat hair. Because you know, gentleman ha-ha-ha. I also liked that his design was a suit, but it was a bit of a messy suit... it wasn’t buttoned up, he had combat boots and fingerless gloves. And as the design said, he does have his sleeves rolled up as symbolism of him having to dirty his hands. As I’ve already expressed, fingerless gloves make way more sense for Ed’s character realistically since he’s gonna be dealing with a lot of touch screens. Modern technology and all that, it’s no longer the 60s! But why I’m really pointing this out... because not only are the combat boots, and fingerless gloves make sense realistically... but they’re also VERY symbolic for Ed’s character and tells you a lot about him. Like he dresses professionally... but unprofessionally at the same time! I feel this shows that Ed’s a guy who pretends to be a gentleman... but he’s not, really. He’s actually rude, very loud, and quite emotional. Therefore, him dressing in a suit... but not dressing as nicely feels like it REALLY tells you this in design alone. Why am I going off about City’s design when we’re talking about Knight? Because this is to help show why the Knight design is bad. As I said, it felt like less thought put into it. I know that they just wanted him to look like a MECHANIC because Knight had far more missions in cars, and Ed specifically gave you tracks to race, as well as constructing robots. Yes... it gives you the idea that he is heavily involved with cars. But... that’s it. It doesn’t actually tell you much about his character other than the idea that he’s more hopeless. Which again... as I’ve explained, just doesn’t feel right for Ed, even if he’s at a lower point in his life. I also noticed they omitted any purple from that design, which I don’t mind. But like, D/C feels this need to make Ed look less like J0ker (which is also probably why Ed’s such a victim of BAD DESIGNS.) But I always find that funny. Because D/C’s like “J0KER AND R!DDLER BOTH CAN’T BE PURPLE AND GREEN!!! WE MUST STOP THIS!!!” meanwhile Sp!der-Man is like “haha several villains green and purple haha”
Okay, I’ve rambled on ENOUGH about his design. Now let’s move on to his characterization... as I’ve mentioned on this blog before, he suffers the same thing General Hux suffered in the Last Jedi. Both characters were seen as a bit of a threat in the previous installment, then in its sequel... they just become a joke. Again, I know the game was going for “ED’S DESPERATE NOW.” But when the thugs/henchmen are making fun of him, too? It’s just difficult to take his character seriously as well. And then him not believing Bruce is B/ataman... 😑 Just feels like another joke. Especially when in Origins, Ed ACTUALLY suspected Bruce was B/atman BEFORE he even became the R!ddler and when B/atman had just started out. That’s impressive! Now I know lots of people will argue because Origins was made by a different team, and therefore different views. But... I dunno, Ed obviously can’t fight well. What he has going for him is his intelligence, it what makes him a threat, and what makes him scary despite not being able to fight. I like it when he suspects or even knows that Bruce is B/atman. Because it makes him feel like a bigger threat. Especially because it makes up for what he lacks in comparison to the other villains. (Who are usually depicted as very smart, AND they’re very strong/can fight.) As people suggested once before, him refusing to believe Bruce is B/atman could’ve been him angry that he had suspected it first but never went anywhere with it. But with as many jokes that he has in this game... it just feels like another “haha he’s pathetic, isn’t he pathetic?” quirk.
The two things I liked from Knight, from what I recall... is his finally calling B/atman “dad.” (Because well... I felt since City, or even Asylum... Ed was projecting his father onto B/atman. Knight only confirmed it, which made me feel satisfied.) And that newspaper with he and Harley~
Now, Knight isn’t Ed’s worst portrayal... but it falls short compared to Ed in the other games.
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Horror!AU Deleted Scenes: the scene replaced by everything leading up to the toilet scene
Yes, I can’t believe the “toilet scene” is something that I literally just wrote.
Deleted scene from Aemilius’ draft chapter.
Trigger warnings: Gore, injury, teeth-tearing, blood, dismemberment, yeah you get the gist
Disclaimer: In the original draft, Aemilius was meant to have OCD, but I cancelled that because I figured it’d be too cliche and I didn’t want people to think personality had anything to do with diagnoses and symptoms.
Aemilius went over his plan as he ate his food, chewing absentmindedly and staring into empty space. YUL watched him but lost interest. Instead, it floated around the room, relooking at shelves and corners of the room. Aemilius observed it intently.
Indeed, he was growing weaker with every passing day, both physically and mentally. Constantly, he was feeling YUL’s grip on him, trying to tear open the pathway to connect with his mind, but Aemilius had never allowed it to. It was a terrible feeling, one that made him feel nauseous when he attempted to strengthen his guard, and it also made his head ache. He made sure to stay away from it as much as he could at all times to weaken its dreadful aura.
He was going to have to escape soon and quick before YUL could possess him.
Making sure to finish all of his breakfast for energy, he cleared his throat and assumed a confident position, crossing his arms and holding his head up high. “Ahem.”
YUL’s head twisted towards him. It said nothing, waiting.
“I can tell that you enjoy my work,” Aemilius continued carefully. “At least observing it and learning more about it.”
“I do not have the emotional capability to enjoy things,” was its response.
“Well, you’re interested in my work. I have something for you.” Aemilius walked over to one of his cabinets, opened it, and took out a large folder. It was filled with his own nonfictional writing about his life; it was almost like a diary, but he would find the idea of calling it one preposterous. He hadn’t read the folder in a very long time, but he supposed that it was interesting enough for YUL to investigate. He walked over to the entity and stood right in front of it so that his back was to the laboratory wall.
YUL’s hands were already out. Aemilius put the folder in its hands.
“This folder contains a lot of my work before my major alchemy projects,” he explained. “And it also contains plenty of information about me. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to learn a bit more about your host, would it?”
“I already know what I need to know.”
Aemilius stiffened. For a moment, he thought it was going to refuse the folder, but then it opened it and pulled out a paper. He had to stop himself from sighing in relief.
“But you are correct Aemilius. It would be useful to know more about you.”
Its head tilted down, and it began to read. Aemilius waited a few moments before slowly moving out of its way so that it was only facing the wall and not him. It didn’t notice.
Aemilius’ heart pounded in his chest. This was it. This was the moment. He very carefully tiptoed away, keeping an eye on YUL in case if it looked at him. But the only movement it had was turning its head from side to side and turning the papers. Aemilius’ mouth went dry as he stared at the floor of his laboratory, eyes darting to each and every individual line in the wood. It didn’t feel right just walking like this. His face was heating up, sweaty.
Right foot. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Right foot. Left foot. Left foot.
The floorboards creaked. Aemilius froze in his tracks. He anxiously gawked at YUL. Its movements stiffened, and its head turned upwards as if to sense the sound. Then it steadily looked back down, continuing to examine the papers.
Aemilius had to stop himself from sighing in relief again. Instead, he held his breath, continuing the same pattern. It was necessary for him to stay quiet and sneak out. It would work, he knew. Right. Right. Left. Right. Right. Left. Left. He kept looking back. He wasn’t sure if YUL was turning its head to glance at him every time he turned around. Right. Right. Left. Right. Right. Left. Left. He wondered if he was allowed to breathe.
The door. Right. Right. So close. Left. Right. He carefully outstretched a hand, looking down at his feet as they stepped over the lines of the floorboards. Very slowly, he pulled open the door…
“Where are you going.”
Aemilius froze, eyes immediately darting to YUL. It was staring straight at him. Its head had turned 180 degrees.
“Nowhere,” Aemilius said quietly.
“You are not allowed to leave.”
“I-I know that, however--”
“Why is the door open.”
“It’s open, well, because--”
“Close it.”
Aemilius tried to swing the door open and dart outside when suddenly something latched onto him and dragged him back. He yelped as his shoes scraped against the wooden floor, irritated and anxious that he touched the lines. He was whipped around to look directly into the eyes of YUL. A sticky, gooey back tendril was wrapped around the alchemist.
“It seems that you made an attempt to mislead me,” YUL stated. “It was in order for you to escape the lab. You have spotted my weaknesses and used them against me.” It pulled him closer, its beak almost poking between his eyes. “I will not allow you to do that again.”
“I-- fine. Yes, I was trying to escape. I won’t do it again.” A lie, but he couldn’t say anything else right now.
YUL didn’t appear satisfied, however, because it pulled back its tendril and let Aemilius fall onto the floor with a thud. It glided over to one of the tables next to his homunculus and took many of his tools with a dark cloud of smoke before gliding back to where the alchemist was. He came back onto his feet, backing up frantically.
“Put my tools down!” he hissed. “There is no reason why you should be putting your filthy hands on them!”
“Filthy is not an accurate word to describe any part of me. And I have a reason that I am using your tools.” It paused, hovering in front of him. “My patience is not expressive however it is running very low. I need you weakened so I can finally possess you. I have been waiting for a very long time.”
Before Aemilius could react, the gooey black tendrils of smoke launched out towards him once more, pulling him towards YUL. He clenched his teeth and grunted, trying to pull away, but he couldn’t. Once more, he was right in front of the frightening entity. Then it pushed him to the ground, kneeling on him and pressing its metal knee onto his chest. He squirmed and kicked to no avail.
“You can try all you want,” he snarled, “but I will not break.”
YUL tilted its head curiously. Aemilius glared right back up at it.
“O-kay.”
A metal hand launched from the side of its cloak, pinning down one of his arms. He tried to shove them off, once again, to no avail. And then another arm launched out, this time with sharp, pointed-- were they even fingers?! They appeared to be more like shining blades, gleaming. Aemilius’ eyes widened, and he tried desperately to break free from YUL’s grip.
“I have read in your journals that you do not like substances such as blood,” YUL stated. “However this procedure will be gory and will cause you major injuries. It is recommended to not speak as I perform this operation.”
Before Aemilius could say anything else, YUL rose its sharp fingers before chopping directly down onto his wrist, completely splitting his hand from his arm.
Aemilius let out a horrendous scream, curling and writhing. Blood splattered from the open wound. YUL stayed where it was. It pulled back its sharp fingers into its cloak before taking its other remaining hand and covering Aemilius’ mouth, muffling his cries of pain. He curled up, cradling the stump of his arm against his chest, letting out heavy, sob-like breaths as his eyes dribbled agonized tears. He gawked in horror at the wound. His stomach churned. Nausea pounded into his head. He choked and looked up at YUL, who was as cold and still as ever.
“It appears that that has given you great distress,” it said blankly. “However I believe it isn't good enough yet.”
“Wh… hh…” He coughed, gasping and choking.
It tilted its head again, staring at the hand that was covering Aemilius’ mouth. It seemed interested. It slowly took its hand off. Once more, another hand launched out from its cloak and grabbed one of the tools it had. A small plier. It forced Aemilius’ jaws open, taking the plier and gripping it onto one of his teeth. Aemilius groaned, unable to see through the tears of pain in his eyes.
YUL internally counted to three before forcefully tugging the tooth out of its socket. Aemilius let out another scream as blood trickled from his mouth. YUL took hold of another one of his teeth and counted once more. Aemilius squirmed, desperately trying to snap his head away. YUL did not let go. It pulled the tooth out. He let out a strangled cry.
“Are you giving up yet,” YUL asked. Before Aemilius could even make the attempt to answer, YUL took the pliers and reached deep into his mouth, having the pliers take hold of one of the man’s back teeth. His tongue was covered with droplets of red. YUL’s hand tightly gripped onto his jaw, keeping his head still. Counting internally again, it yanked the tooth out. Aemilius only let out a weak, raw rasp. YUL finally let go and stood above him, watching him curl up.
“That is enough,” it said. “But you must stay quiet. You must not arouse suspicion. No one can find you.”
Aemilius held his bleeding wrist against his chest, his other hand clasping his mouth. He was shaking profusely, eyes squeezed shut. His tongue tasted the bitter, coppery blood in his mouth. His gums were swollen. His head was thudding. The blood was getting all over his lips and clothes, spilling onto the floor. He was dizzy. He felt as if he were about to pass out. All that he could do in response to YUL’s question was look up at it in fear and humiliation while groaning and whining weakly.
YUL tilted its head curiously, watching him shake. It picked up his chopped off hand, observing it. It continued to dribble with red.
“You will be underneath my control very soon.”
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Good Things in 2019
@theputterer and @the-strongest-stars tagged me in the awesome annual end-of-year Good Things meme! I’ve done this in 2018 & 2017 and always think it’s a fun exercise of both reflection and looking forward.
Oh boy, though, my first thought was, what even happened in 2019? (Looking at a calendar helped! It reminded me of a few things I forgot)
It’s been a Rough Year, friends. Between OCD and basically travelling almost every weekend in the latter half of 2019, I am very much ready for a new year and hopefully a new slate.
But this is about the positives!
Personal
Played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons! I am now officially in two campaigns. This year, I endeavored to recruit more women to play, including the wonderful @allatariel. I play both my beloved cleric, Maritsa (who I’ve been playing her years now) and my new character, Noara, a ranger elf with a red panda familiar (yeah, my DM let me do that for funsies, so I could get an animal sidekick but also still try out the Horizon Walker subclass).
Speaking of red pandas, I accomplished my LIFE GOAL of meeting a red panda face-to-face. I got to feed Harriet at the Cincinnati Zoo for 30 minutes. She was adorable.
Completed all my dental work and had a clean bill of dental health two cleanings in a row!
Attended DC’s Around the World Embassy Day event, always fun
Attended Star Wars night at a local library, where I got to participate in a short demo/lesson on how to fence with a lightsaber!
Attended 50th Anniversary Celebration of Apollo 11 / landing on the moon (dude they projected the rocket on the Washington Monument and it looked so cool)
Returned to the NY Ren Faire and upgraded my ren faire garb
Celebrated at THREE friends’ weddings and got to catch up with old friends I hadn’t seen in awhile
Ate ice cream at the Ben & Jerry’s Factory in Vermont
Went to NYCC for the third year in a row. Got to wear 2 costumes this year: a 1920s flapper interpretation of an occamy and my Endor!Leia costume (repeat of 2017). Learned the True Pain of sewing. Created feather shawl for my occamy costume. Learned the True Pain of crafting.
Celebrated one year anniversary with hubbie down where we got married: visited the museum we got married in and actually got a chance to enjoy the exhibits, went to our favorite brunch place down there, got to check out Fleet Week and tour an aircraft carrier and uh... I think it was a missile cruiser?
Went up to PSU for a women’s hockey game for sister’s birthday (made embarrassing HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign for the cameras); also it was an absolutely wonderful fall drive on the way up there
Got to see The Rise of Skywalker in IMAX at the Smithsonian Air & Space Center with the awesome @allatariel! (thank goodness we had each other to get through that movie lol) also got to reuse my Endor!Leia costume. I did my own braids for the first time ever! (usually my talented sister does them) They looked like braids done by a n00b, but I didn’t care because they were passable and I did them myself and that was a Big Thing for Perfectionist Me (to not just... say screw it and undo it and just. give up. but to just let them be as is)
Worked hard at therapy and self care
Got a Sleep Number bed and holy shit let me tell you. i can actually sleep now.
OH! I almost forgot!!! Started playing Assassin’s Creed! I’ve only ever really played the LEGO Star Wars and Harry Potter video games so like. This was big for me.
Writing
Finally finished Learning Curve. TBH I was a bit shocked that this was in fact the only fic I published in 2019. What a travesty.
However! I have been writing
@allatariel & I sat down, overanalyzed You’ve Got Mail, and drafted up the outline for my in-universe AU, something I’ve been dreaming of starting for years. Have about 4300 words so far.
Just under the wire, I did manage to start my NatGeo AU, which I’ve been dreaming of since my honeymoon in Nov 2018
Started editing/revising my original young adult fantasy novel
Poked a little at my epic fantasy pirate travel novel idea
Books
I read exactly one book, Among the Red Stars, which I enjoyed. It’s about women fighter pilots in Russia in WW2. Inspired by real people.
Music
Saw Panic at the Disco! in concert. I went along with my sister. Not like a huge fan, but they put on a pretty fun show!
Saw Waitress on Broadway!! OH MY GOD. And Sara Bareilles was starring in it. Amazing. I freaking love her music (”How does she know / what a heart sounds like?” gahhh). She was so good, and the show was so good. I literally cried all the way through it just because I was so happy to be there, but also because of the content. Man.
Saw Sara Bareilles again, in concert, in Philly. I love her so much.
Television
Finished Critical Role Campaign 1! Oh man, what a ride. Gosh, I love that show. I really need to catch up in C2 now. I’ve started it but I’m only on episode 26 or 27.
I’m not sure whether I finished The Clone Wars in 2018 or 2019. I think it was early 2019. This show was amazing and this was the character development that Anakin Skywalker needed. I love Ahsoka Tano. I cannot wait for the last season.
Finished Rebels!!! AGAIN, what a ride!!! I still love Ahsoka Tano. I also love Hera Syndulla and Sabine Wren. Sabine’s Darksaber arc was fantastic.
The Mandalorian OMG BABY YODA!!! Yes, I have succumbed to the adorableness of Baby Yoda. Most adorable SW character forever. But also just an enjoyable story in general. This, this is how you craft a story. still NOT over the darksaber omg.
The Good Place is continuing to be good. Not as crazy about season 4, but I’m so glad they decided to limit the seasons.
Got my sister to watch Rebels!! And then even a few episodes of The Clone Wars!!! Mwahaha >)
Finally got around to watching The Great British Bake Off, what a sweet show!
OMG I ALMOST FORGOT Anne With an E!!! Gosh what a wonderful wholesome delightful show. No I haven’t watched S3 yet because I am Lawful Good to a fault and just patiently waiting for it to come on Netflix
Film
So, I woefully neglected to mention The Aeronauts in this post about my favorite movies in the 2010s and that was a Mistake. Because I really enjoyed this one
But otherwise probably check out that list. Because I don’t go to the movies that often, actually, and anything I really loved from 2019 is most definitely listed there.
Did I meet my 2019 Goals?
Writing: Fandom
Finish Learning Curve YES
...and How to Lose a Spy in 10 Days Uh, no, not so much
Begin and complete the in-canon universe You’ve Got Mail AU YES, it is begun but no it is not complete
Try to knock out a few other projects on my 30+ SW ideas Umm, I did start / poke at a few things in addition to the YGM and NatGeo AUs, but nothing really “knocked out”
Try my hand at creating more visual fan works (like moodboards/photosets, step 1, learn proper terminology) ahahahah, no.
Writing: Original
Query more agents for my completed original novel YIKES, No. But I wasn’t anticipating that I’d decide to heavily edit/revise my manuscript.
Actually get around to deciding which idea I want to work on next and work on it Yeah, sure, I decided. How nice of past!Liz to make this goal so reachable as “deciding” lol
Reading
Be more supportive in helping my friend run Book Club so that it can actually meet more regularly HA, oops. Book Club died, but kind of in favor of being able to start a second D&D campaign. At least that’s the trade off I’m looking at. I had some OCD-related glasses issues this year that inhibited reading a lot.
Try to read at least one book for myself outside of Book Club lol WELL the one book I read this year was not part of Book Club sooo
Goals for 2020
Writing
I’m not going to make this a completion goal, but instead...
...I’d like to just focus on creating a regular writing schedule/habit. Whatever the project, I just want to make sure I carve out significant time each week just to write. I don’t want to set a specific goal like “x hours a week” for now, but I want to make sure that I am writing each week.
To achieve that (because what are goals without maps):
If the words don’t immediately jump onto the page, then I’m going to try outlining or summarizing. I’m going to let go of overthinking how sentences are phrased, and just pretend I’m describing the story idea to a friend.
That blank page is staring at me and I’m just going to fill it with words no matter what I might think of them!
And I’m going to let everything else expand from there. And see how that works.
Edit my original manuscript
Query more agents re: original manuscript
Look into the idea of perhaps forming or joining a writer’s group for original writing oh gosh that is so scary
Other
Get back into reading
Develop a routine for working out
Eat healthier
Continue focusing on therapy goals
Get around to watching: Black Sails, Mad Max: Fury Road, Arrival
Get better at responding to things in general
Tagging: @allatariel, @magalis, @mythologicalmango, @skitzofreak, @threadsketchier, @brynnmclean, @ruby-red-inky-blue, @siachti and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it!
Happy New Year y’all!
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I know you @highwayham asked about DBD headcanons on another blog... I’ll get to that soon.... I was working on this one for you the past week.... So I am quite ahead of the game.
My personal headcanons for all the DBD killers.
(gets a bit fanfic-ish in places, but damn my fan fic writers soul. (i haven’t done the final proofing, but go me) )....
The Doctor
The Anti-Freddy.
Herman’s madness and electro-shocks automatically wake people up/take people out of Freddy’s dream realm.
It is nearly physically impossible for him to go to sleep.
Water is his weakness. Submerging him in enough water would burn out his own powers. It will put him in a coma if he is fully charged when submerged.
Herman didn’t think Freddy was real for the longest time. He thought Freddy was some made up joke the others were pulling on him. Or some Invisible Man that the others were putting too much stock in.
When he isn’t driving through crazy town, he’s generally snobby, rude, haughty, and uptight. He has this air of acting “better than you” that drives most of the other killers bonkers.
OCD... the only killer that manages to keep his whites mostly clean on a trial.
Herman and Myers especially don’t get along. His madness powers would make The Shape’s voice in Myers head louder and angrier. And The Doctor being a Psychiatrist rather than a Medical doctor didn’t help either.
Herman and Evan often fight over who’s in charge. Evan is loud and violent, and easy to ignore. The Doctor is more demanding and a perfectionist, on top of being sadistic, so more people still side with Evan.
The Nurse
Sally doesn’t like that her “role” among the group is being the nanny.
The Trapper will call her “The Nanny” instead of “The Nurse” (she makes sure to give him extra scares by casually hiding behind corners on him)
In fact, The Trapper is perhaps her most frequent patient.... for stepping in his own bear traps.
The Nurse and The Doctor kind of get along. She was so use to having to deal with asshole men doctors while she was alive... what’s one more now that she’s dead?
Her, The Doctor, The Hag, and The Clown handle most of the medical needs among the group. (The Hag knows Apothecary, The Clown has some understanding in that field as well and helps the two women make any meds. The Doctor has enough knowledge through his experiments on humans and medical school to help, but isn’t as skilled/knowledgeable as The Nurse)
The Spirit
Rin didn’t understand English when she first arrived. Julie (The Legion) knew some Japanese because of being a massive weeb, and tried to help translate pieces of what was being said to the others. (often just fucked up on the translation completely.. basically think Lopez from RVB. or Peggy Hill levels of bad)
Rin is polarizing. One moment she is calm, collective, and interested in being around people... the next she’s screaming at everybody, even those that did nothing, and would even attack other killers.
The Spirit often hangs around The Nurse, neither talking to one another. If she’s not creeping on other people in the group.
Work is too much.... work.... When it comes to doing chores or requests, she would suddenly vanish or be last in line.
Rin tends to creep on Myers the most. She likes that Myers doesn’t talk, or give a shit... and she saw him without his mask a few times.... so... long siiigh.... (he’s just confused by her)
She fucking hates Freddy... He grabbed her inappropriately only once and she kicked his ass... he’s been leaving her alone now.
She doesn’t like The Doctor either. Outside of being pushy and treats her like a pest: his powers make her even more unstable and volatile.
The Wraith
Unless the killer is a colossal Asshat, he’ll get along with them. (Basically, The Doctor, Freddy, The Legion, and The Spirit are among his “doesn’t get along with” list)
He’s been around The Trapper the longest out of the killers so he’s use to Evan’s brand of Asshattery.
Him and Amanda tend to casually hang around with each other the most. He knows where the best stuff in the scrap yard is and they have similar interests in tinkering. (mlm and wlw solidarity)
Bubba, Max, and Evan come to Phil and Amanda whenever their equipment needs to be fixed.
Phil also likes to spend time with The Hag. He talks to her about the magic he learned from his homeland and helps her gather herbs.
He really just wants to be useful.
The Hag
Lisa knows the most about herbs and plants. Which ones are safe to eat, or what effects they cause when ingested. The Clown likes to get her advice when making new potions.
The Hag, The Huntress, Bubba and The Hillbilly are in charge of the Homestead end of things. (Farming and Cultivating... growing food, animal husbandry and butchering... Actual cooking the meals is on rotate among all the killers (at least those that at minimum know how to boil water)).
Lisa knows Rune Crafting, and recognizes that Myers has a spell/curse placed on him. She doesn’t tell any of the other killers she knows this.
Her Teleport spell can pull Freddy out of the dreamworld... if she has hold of him when she activates it. She almost did it twice, but he managed to break her grip and is staying away from her now.
The Nurse, being a super natural creature, is more accepting of The Hag’s witchcraft, apothecary, and homeopathy than The Doctor is.
The Hag and The Doctor get in frequent arguments based on their different world views.
The Trapper
The “Bad Boss” of the group.
Is an ass to anybody that doesn’t do what he wants. (One part, Biff Tannon, One Part Al Bundy)
The other killers often forget that he is book-smart (came from a rich family, actually went to collage) because of how big of a douche bag he acts.
Evan relies too much on the few people that know what they are doing to do everything (The Nurse, especially)
Evan’s orders are easier to shirk/get around, because they are often bad orders that make no sense. It also doesn’t take much to “suck up” to him and get him to forget about something they’ve did wrong. Which is mainly why people side with him over The Doctor.
His “cronies” are The Hillbilly and The Clown, and (with some arm twisting) The Wraith and Bubba.
He’s mainly buddy-buddy with The Clown because Kenny makes the best fucking bathtub gen in the realm.
He becomes a CHAD-DORK around Amanda (She knows this, is not interested in him, but gets him to do whatever she wants).
He is very particular when it comes to self-grooming. When he is not “working” / killing he likes to keep himself clean. He showers twice a day, and spends a lot of time shaving... to the point he’s practically bald all over his body.
He uses a straight razor to shave, a very sharp one.
He gets annoyed when the other killers don’t groom themselves on a regular basis. He understands it is dirty work, but there is a time and place to be dirty. (zombies and undead not withstanding, being dead/rotting can’t be helped).
The Huntress
She’s the most “efficient” of the non-magical killers.... all aside from:
Her near-constant singing and talking would annoy some of the Killers (who believe silence was the key), until they saw her sling a hatchet and down a survivor.
She has no personal-space bubble. Will kiss people on the cheek/mouth in greeting (if they don’t flinch/push away from her)... it surprises most of the others that first time because it isn’t a common practice in America, where most of the killers are from, nor in modern society outside of one’s actual family.
Doesn’t shave. She thought it was an odd grooming custom when she was watching Amanda shaving her legs and armpits in the bath. Men only shave/trim their beards cleanliness. She sees no reason for a woman to shave.
Anna goes out of the way to talk to the “outliers” of the Killer Group. (The Spirit, Myers, The Legion, and Bubba). Even if it is just to say “Hello.” and get no response in return.
Anna has child-like interests. Likes to talk about fairy tales and folk legends. Collects odd knickknacks (buttons, paper clips, caps off pens, pieces of ribbon, beads, rocks...). Play dress up with other Killer’s clothes (try on their masks and play with their weapons). She jumps in mud puddles and catches bugs/small animals with her bare hands to show others.
She first caught Bubba and Myers attention by showing them a frog she caught and pulled its legs off in front of them (Bubba then ate the frog). Myers was just...enthralled... he was going to kill the frog if she handed it to him and she just did it.
From then on Bubba liked to join her on any weird quests she would have (like as if he was her little big-brother). The Wraith would follow to make sure they aren’t getting into trouble.
The Huntress got pretty good at guessing what Bubba is saying. It helped that when she first came here she didn’t know English and had to often pantomime what she wanted to the others as well.
She wants to be a helper, but her brand of help tends to lean towards “s-mothering”....
The Hag, The Clown, The Wraith, The Nurse, The Pig, and The Doctor are the ones she actually treats like her elders....
The Trapper and The Hillbilly are on “peer” level with her. Myers was... until she realized he was a walking disaster, and actually knew the least out of the whole group.
So... The Legion, Myers, Bubba.... she latched onto them as her special “projects”
(The Spirit and Freddy are in the “no” zone)
The Hillbilly
Is a slow talker and mumbler, but not dumb (actually he’s rather average, just uneducated. he believes he is stupid because he was told he was his whole life)
He can’t hear out of one ear because of his deformities and the loud chainsaw. People often have to repeat things because of that.
Max could be found either at The Trapper’s side, or at the homestead in the barn with the goats and pigs (he feels safe in there)
He makes Amanda new pig masks when ever they get old or damaged.
The Hag watches his back, making sure the others don’t treat him poorly.
Max and Bubba do get along, even though it is difficult for Max to understand what Bubba wants.
The Legion tend to antagonize him and Bubba at the same time with their trivial prattling about Max being a “rip off”.
The Clown
Is the actual “boss” of the group, but doesn’t claim to be. Even though he knows damn well he is.
Kenny would hear what the Trapper wants done, and often tweak the orders to be more feasible when relaying them to the others.
Kenny’s big loud personality stood out. He was better at working a crowd than Herman and Evan.
He can get the more “outlying” killers to listen to him.
He got where he was because he showed up rather late in the game. Nothing was getting done, there was little to no cohesion among the factions. Half the team barely listened to The Trapper, the other Half tended to do whatever the hell they wanted.
He managed to get The Legion to act less like little shits to the rest of the killers all the fucking time.
Myers would trail behind Kenny, or low-key stalk him. The Clown could never manage to pin him down to confront him about it. The others told him not to bother. After The Legion came, Susie eventually told him it was because Myers really liked clowns as a kid. Kenny began to think of Myers as a “stray cat.”
The only killer that Freddy actually kind of likes and would take “requests” from. They both have a dark sense of humor and are practical jokers. The Clown’s potions also make people easier to put asleep. (Kenny just knows not to be a total dick to your “coworkers” or you’ll be spinning your wheels in the mud the whole time)
The Legion
For the longest time the four of them stuck together, not interacting with the other killers outside of being trolls or antagonists to them.
Frank and Julie were the “spokes persons” whenever they had to make “demands” to the other killers.
They did not to approach any of the killers alone.
The Spirit was the first of the killers to hang around with them as a “friend”. They were close to her age (of death) and as condescending as she was. They also helped her with her English.... kind of.
Myers and Freddy had tried to “pick them off”....
With Myers, they over stepped their boundaries when it came to his comfort zone and he wanted to get rid of them. He knocked Frank unconscious, broke Joey’s arm, and was about to moire Julia before Anna and Bubba were able to pull him away (Susie ran to get help).
Freddy did so for his own sadistic pleasure. After several days of sleep deprivation, and Susie needing to be waken from a coma: The Doctor and The Nurse eventually stepped in to get Freddy to leave them alone.
The Huntress and The Clown took responsibility of The Legion after the attacks (Along with Myers, Bubba, and The Spirit... all those in need of “special attention” or those that are in the habit of isolating themselves (it is also why Kenny became “frenemies” with Freddy, to keep him from completely turning on the group))
The Legion’s love of Slasher Movies made them experts on Lore regarding Bubba, Myers, OG Freddy.... only up until the mid-90′s.... they never got to see the Halloween reboots: H20/Res, or even the RZ remakes, nor FvJ, Jason X or the Remakes of F13 and Elm Street. They think Amanda was another one of the “in house” killers like The Trapper, The Wraith, and The Nurse.
They never been in a Hot Topic. Because there wasn’t one where they lived. Most of their gear was stolen from concerts, bikers, and sports supplies stores.
The Internet was barely functional in the 90′s... to hear Amanda talk about modern technology and smart phones in the 2010′s, it is moon speak to them. (it is moon speak to most of the killers)
The Plague
“Avoid like The Plague” became serious business.
She only speaks Ancient Mesopotamian. Refuses to lower herself to speak the tongue language of these barbarians.
Freddy’s the only one that can communicate with her due to conversations in the “mind/dream” realm being more mental-emotion based than literal-verbal language based.
She still treats him like he is a worm and a viper. Does not trust anything he tells her.
Prolong exposure to her presence will cause sickness and wounds to become infected more easily.
She was banned from being around their social/common spaces, and food and water sources by the other killers due to her infectious presence.
Spends most of her time at the killer camp encased in a tomb in isolation.
Bubba
Best cook (don’t question the mystery meat...)
Anna is like the cool sister he always wanted. She’s nice to him, looks after him, and can skin a whole dear in under 20min.
Bubba doesn’t like The Legion. They would tease him more than the others. It doesn’t take much for him to go into a tantrum, or run off and cry, so they saw an easy target. (They knew when the fucked up when Anna has to get involved.... we’re sorry team mom.)
The Nurse and The Spirit scare him. He gets the heebie-geebies every time they look at him. Freddy is the worst.
Amanda
Amanda has a crush on Anna, but Anna is so obvious.
She tried to be nice to The Legion when they first arrived, but they were too immature and antagonistic.
The Wraith’s cloaking is about the extent of “supernatural” she could handle. It took her a long time not to freak out over The Nurse and The Spirit still creeps her out. Freddy... lives up to his name as The Nightmare.
At least most of the killers are just big men... she could handle dealing with men.
She is aware that there is a rivalry over her between some of the men. Phil, she’s pretty sure he’s gay, even if he won’t say it... But Evan, Max, and Herman are always trying to do favors for her... (she suspects it is because she’s the most ‘normal’ adult woman among the sausage party)
She stays clear of Myers out of principle. She watched the Halloween movies, knows what he is capable of and that reason rarely worked with him. If she had him in a proper trap-house, he’d be at her mercy, but roaming free like this? no.
Her and The Clown only sort of get along. He’s too loud and handzy, like an old drunk at a bar. She put his arm in a trap that he couldn’t break free of. He had it on for three days before he apologized to her.
Freddy
The best scout... rarely does it though.
Freddy was better at avoiding any chores around the compound than Rin and Myers... until The Legion let slip that Freddy was a gardener/grounds keeper in his past life...
He used his powers on all the killers, at least once, just to test their reactions or to see what was inside their minds. Those with traumatic pasts were easy to get to.
Those that couldn’t fight back he stayed on them longer.
Until they started grouping up against him.
The Nurse, The Spirit, and The Doctor became the “vanguard” against his meddling. They could either physically attack him in the dream world or cancel out his powers all together. (The Doctor could even pull people out of a coma)
He isn’t friends with any of the killers. The Clown is the closest, and that’ll be an associate/coworker at best.
Freddy knows what The Clown is doing, and his dislike of The Doctor and the incompetence of The Trapper made him more willing to follow along with Kenny setting himself up as a back-door boss.
Michael
Was the last of the killers to “crack” and come into the group (stalking and observing didn’t count)
Nobody knew what his name was until Amanda showed up. He was just “The Shape” to them. “Holy shit! That’s Michael Myers!”
Nobody knew his Middle-Name until The Legion wouldn’t stop calling him “Audrey”
He ignores Evan and Herman, more so when they get into cockfights over leadership. They both tried to “appeal” to him at some point to join their side.
Within the first two nights of coming to the realm, he got into a fist-fight with Evan, they both ended up rather bloody and beaten out of it. They even managed to pull their masks off in the fight. At the end of it, Evan was all “You’re just some punk kid. You ain’t worth my time.” and left Myers to his isolation after that.
Herman showed up in the realm after Myers. He introduced himself, got nowhere with the questions, and began to preach at him about “dissociative disorders”.... things Myers heard far too much about from the doctors at Smiths Grove. But this doctor was dangerous, and he only had to be hit once by the doctors madness effect to realize not not to start a fight with him and to keep his distance if possible.
There was something about The Hag’s magic that sends him on edge. It makes the hairs prickle the back of his neck whenever she activates a teleport (he didn’t even have to hear or see it go off... he’d just know) . There was a lot of things about The Hag that The Shape part of his brain responds to, like they knew one another somehow....
When all the killers go on team missions, The Clown would be assigned to keep an eye on Michael (not necessarily to work as a team, but for buddy-system safety reasons). Kenny would often address him as “My Boy” instead of his name or “The Shape” ... Michael doesn’t mind it too much.
They first tried teaming The Spirit up with Myers, but he would refuse to work with her and she took every opportunity to shirk responsibilities (she basically reminded him too much of Judith)... so nothing got done.
Freddy once attempted to put Myers to sleep, it only put the “Michael” part to sleep, but The Shape fully took over and went into berserker mode. (The Trapper, The Hillbilly, The Doctor, The Nurse, and The Huntress were needed just to pin him down and they had to lock him up until he passed out)
Myers almost drowned once (the survivors had a water trap made for The Doctor, when they set it off it dropped half the killers into a lake along with it. The Doctor managed to get a hold of The Hag and Teleport out of the way). Anna had to drag him out of the water and give him mouth-to-mouth. She was then determined to teach him how to swim. (after he got over the pneumonia from having his lungs full of dirty pond water). He found the whole thing embarrassing... especially the lessons, having to be half necked in the water with Anna, who only had a pair of shorts on and had her arms around him....ffffff.... not to mention The Spirit was watching....fml.
Because of that, Anna was the first person he said something to in 15 years (even if it is 90% “yes” and “no”... everybody (besides The Legion) thought he was mute, but when Anna asked “can you breathe?” and he gagged out a “yes” it surprised them all.)
She convinced him to eat meals around the others more often after that. He stuck close to Anna, Bubba, and Kenny the most. He didn’t mind The Wraith that much either... Still don’t like The Spirit. And he only goes around The Nurse if he has to (after a week being sick and in Sally’s care... he’s just done with ghosts.... Rin, Sally, Freddy.... gtf away)
He would be one of the better killers, if he didn’t play around so much with his kills. Anna showed him how to kill people/animals faster... it actually made him play with them even more because he then knew what to do to prolong the process.
Myers and Anna are both Bi-Ace.... love and friendship isn’t in Myers vocabulary... they got stuck in an endless “repay a favor” loop after her rescuing him and giving him lessons.
They have to work around each other when on a hunt. He personally thinks she is too noisy and annoying on a hunt, and she thinks he takes too long fooling around. (he often has to change his killing style to go around hers, which he does not like to do).
When they are paired together on a mission, they would eventually start fighting with each other... it startled the survivors when they heard Myers tell her to “Shut. the. FUCK. UP!” about the singing and telling him to hurry up. She then got so mad she was cursing him out in Russian... The Survivors still joke about them being an old married couple.... to their faces even. Laurie especially).
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OT3 DVD ficlet Leo/Riario/Zo
The incredibly amazing @idriseleven gave me a prompt from this meme, and I thank you for graciously letting me change it a little because I got so excited when you messaged me that I immediately began writing...and messed it up. Thank you for your leniency! lol
“i accidentally took the seat that was between a couple because they were fighting and now i have to deal with them fuck” au
And it's Leo and Riario who are fighting and Zo who is sitting in the middle. . . .I Double Dog Dare You!!
I cannot resist a Double Dog Dare!
Modern American AU
Rated T for swearing because it’s Zo
Zo always claimed he was just sitting there, innocent as a lamb, trying to relax and enjoy his night out at his favorite bar. Sure, he was savoring a couple drinks. Yeah, he'd maybe thought about trying to pick up someone for the night.
But it still wasn't his fault.
It was just his bad luck the place was crowded as fuck for once.
Zo found a less than prime seat at the bar, exchanged cheek kisses with his favorite bartender Vanessa, and looked around at the masses. Vanessa shrugged as she handed over his beer. “We’re not sure why everyone picked tonight to come out, but we need the business!”
Zo sipped his beer and watched the crowds, enjoying the one empty seat at the bar to his right, and ignoring the young man to his left.
He’d just ordered a burger when the trouble began.
First, the guy sitting on his left got up to leave, so Zo spread out a little.
The first sign of real trouble came when he was jostled from behind, the brush of a body almost pushing him off his stool. But the bar was so crowded he merely bounced like a ping-pong ball when the two bodies behind him pressed closer to the bar.
“Excuse you, what the fuck—” Zo stopped because there was not one, but two gorgeous men behind him, glaring, and Zo opened his mouth to make a sarcastic excuse for whatever he'd apparently done wrong when he realized they were glaring at each other.
“I told you we shouldn’t come out tonight. It’s too busy to get a table, and there’s not even two seats together at the bar, Leo,” said the dark-haired hottie with the big dark eyes.
“Well, I'm tired of sitting at home doing nothing, Riario,” said the other man who was also a hottie although a little less put together.
Zo butted in to say, “Hey, I'll move over—”
The darker man—Riario— answered, “No, stay where you are. At least I won't have to put up with any more of his ridiculous prattle.” And he sat down on Zo's left.
The other guy—Leo— snorted. “You weren't calling it that last night,” he snipped and sat down on Zo’s right.
Vanessa drifted up with Zo’s food and took their drink orders.
“Just start us a tab,” Leo said. “And bring our friend here another beer.”
“We do not need to pay for strangers,” Riario told him, right over Zo’s head.
“You never want to spend your money,” Leo informed him.
“It is hard-earned.”
“Working for your daddy.”
“At least I have a job.”
“You don’t think what I do is work?”
Zo listened to the two like it was an interactive soap opera. Zo always enjoyed a good fight, when he wasn't the one taking punches, but there was no way he’d get any decent odds taking bets on these two—they clearly fought like an old married couple. Still, he couldn’t exactly go anywhere to avoid them so he munched his way through his burger and fries while they squabbled over him.
“When was the last time you finished any of your so-called projects?”
“When was the last time you took a real vacation away from your father?”
“You’re certifiable.”
“You’re OCD.”
“Do you ever say anything worthwhile or do you speak simply to hear yourself talk?”
“I do that sometimes,” Zo said aloud.
“Nothing wrong with it,” Leo told him, flashing a bitter look at Riario.
“Only when the listener has anything intelligent to add,” Riario replied, sliding Zo’s refreshed beer onto a coaster closer to him.
“Do you two come out in public often?” Zo just had to know.
“Not as often as I’d like. He’s always at work or brooding about work or obsessing about work,” Leo said, swiping a fry off Zo’s plate.
Riario sat up even straighter and Zo swore the air felt colder. “And when I bother to make plans, he is locked away in the workshop until he blows up something and destroys the crockery.”
“You used to like it when I blew shit up,” Leo told him.
“Not when it involves blowing up my expensive and delicate household goods.”
“What happened to us? We used to blow up all over the place.”
Zo choked on a fry at the thought, and Leo absentmindedly slapped his back as Riario said, “We used to blow up regularly in the bedroom at least.”
“Now we’re lucky if we blow a couple times a month,” Leo said wistfully.
Riario sucked in a breath so hard Zo could feel it. “So, it always come back to that. To our sex life.”
“Or lack thereof.”
“And whose fault is that?”
“Well...”
“Oh, no, you will not blame that on me.”
Leo grinned wickedly; Zo could see it out of the corner of his eye. “I’m just saying, I’m pretty much always ready, willing and able. You’re the one who seems to need the fancy shit to get you in the mood.”
“Oh my god,” Zo couldn’t stop himself from muttering under his breath.
“I resent the implication that I need anything to—as you so eloquently put it—get me in the mood,” Riario said.
“Face it, I’m just as good, if not better, as when we first hooked up.”
Riario snorted and the inelegant noise coming from him made Zo startle. “Perhaps you have always had a far too high estimation of your so-called skills.”
“Oh please, I’m a great lay.”
Riario shrugged, the movement jostling his shoulder against Zo again. “Some things can grow stale over the years. Sometimes new techniques can appeal.”
“I’m as fresh as I was the first night I blew your mind in the cloak room of that fancy banquet where we met.” Leo had leaned over to pitch his voice low to Riario, and it pressed his chest firmly against Zo’s arm and shoulder. Zo put down his burger and prayed silently for strength.
“I am only saying that the same old things can become boring and regular. Sometimes something new can spice things up.”
“And sometimes it will light the fuse again.”
“You know, I always thought you could be a better kisser,” Riario said, and Zo actually shut his eyes as if it would block out the mental pictures. It was bad enough to be stuck in the middle of a fighting couple ready to duke it out, but being in between two who apparently considered fighting as foreplay was a whole other ballgame. He was reaching for his wallet, planning to just throw some money at Vanessa and get the hell out of there when...
“Really? I’ve always prided myself on my kissing. I thought you were the one who always held back,” Leo’s voice was nearly as deep as Riario’s now, and he leaned further across Zo, one arm going around Zo’s back to balance himself.
“Why don’t you two get a fucking room?” Zo finally had enough. “Or better yet, you know what...”
He turned to Riario, reaching over to grab his head, and pressed their mouths together. Zo had the impression that he’d shocked Riario as his entire body froze then he focused on the scratch of Riario’s beard and his surprisingly full bottom lip. And for just one instant, Zo was sure he didn’t imagine those lips moving, opening, and the press of teeth against his own lips.
Then Zo swiveled on the stool and leaned in to Leo who was clearly surprised but didn’t pull away when Zo gripped the side of his hair and kissed him. It was softer somehow than kissing Riario, and Zo knew this time there was a definite swipe of tongue into his mouth before he pulled back.
“Well, there now. Fight is over. You both kiss just fine. Now will you shut the fuck up?” He picked up his beer and took a long pull. If he was going to get hit, he’d rather be drunk so he didn’t feel it until morning.
But the other two didn’t move, and Zo hunched his shoulders a little more before glancing over at Leo first. He was scratching at his beard and giving Riario a look so Zo chanced a glance at him to find him looking from Leo to Zo and back. Apparently they were communicating telepathically because Leo suddenly leaned over and said into Zo's ear, “So who was better?”
“You were both awful,” Zo said honestly because a surprise kiss with an unsuspecting person wasn't usually pleasant.
“I'm sure, given a proper chance, we can do better,” Leo said and Zo felt Riario move closer and he tensed, waiting for the blow.
“What is this?” Zo said finally when neither of the men moved away.
“I believe that my partner is attempting to seduce you,” Riario said almost directly into his ear.
“Not just attempting,” Leo said cheekily and squeezed Zo’s knee. “We’re inviting you to come home with us.”
“With both of you?”
“We’re a package deal,” Riario rasped and Zo swallowed hard and almost batted him away from his sensitive ear.
“Do you do this often?”
Leo shrugged. “We’ve never. It’s something that we’ve talked about. But we never found anyone compatible and desirable to both of us before.”
“Did you plan this?” Zo had to ask. “Were you faking all of that?”
“Not all of it,” Riario said. “I do believe he needs to actually complete at least one project in his lifetime. And stop blowing up the house.”
“And I believe,” Leo said, “that he needs to stop working for his asshole father and take a vacation once in a while. Other than that, yeah, did it work?”
“Contrary to popular belief, I am not easy,” Zo announced and finished his beer in one long chug. He set it down with a thud. “But I am available, if you want to get out of here.”
“Definitely.” Leo stood up, seeming to press most of his body against Zo’s in the process, and Riario purred in his ear, “We were definitely lying about our sex lives. I'm sure you will find things most satisfactory.”
Zo groaned and just gave in.
And that's how Zo met the—well, he wouldn't call them the loves of his life, but they were certainly something and he didn't go back to the bar again to pick up random strangers. He only went to drink with the two of them and listen to them bicker and ignore Vanessa's knowing smirks while he waited for them to get to the making up.
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My Complex Journey with Sexuality
I am someone who has always thought herself to be “different”. Ever since I was a kid, I always knew in some capacity I was different from other kids, I couldn’t just put my finger on it. It could’ve been my sexuality or something else. I even considered myself to be the “black sheep of the family”. I remember being told by my father for a young age that “I couldn’t be gay and that I couldn’t marry outside of my race” which may have done some early psychological damage to me. He probably said this due to the fact he always had his suspicions that I was gay. As a kid, I was the biggest tomboy. I hated really anything “girly” and always played Pokémon with the boys. But I was also really close with my girlfriends. I had three close friends growing up, “C”, “J”, and “A” (all later turned out to be LGBT of some sort). I was especially close to C. I remember getting intensely jealous of her calling other girls her best friend and even tried to push my other two friends together, so I could have her all to myself. What I was doing was probably dumb and extremely selfish of little me. My friends and I always used to LARP (life action role play) all the times when we were kids and I’d always usually be either a male or female character from whatever thing we were obsessed with at that time. I also remember when we’d create our own characters and we paired them together, sometimes it was my male character with her female character or vice versa. Resulting from pairing up characters, I’d tend to create female characters who I would project upon to. They never really had any sexualities (I was a little kid after all) but they’d always been an extension of me.
Going back to late elementary school, I remember always admiring the very popular girls and wanting to be like them. I also remember my mom telling me to “make some friends” and there was this one girl I really wanted to befriend, looking back on it now it’s probably because I liked her. I also remember during a camp counselor that I really admired and telling her “goodnight” apart from all the other camp counselors. During this same period, I also projected a lot of homophobia. I feared the possibility of being “gay” and would change the lyrics in songs from “he” to ““her””. Looking back on this, I was probably dealing with internalized homophobia, especially after my friend came out as bisexual. There was no excuse from my younger self’s actions. I feel ashamed I acted this way. As I got into middle school, my friend group fell apart and separated. I had a few friends here and there, but I latched on to one guy and developed a “crush” on him. I never remembered wanting to do anything sexual with him, but I wanted to play games I think and spend time with him. I do also remember thinking about “kissing” him at one point, but I think it was since I heavily romanticized everything and may have projected it onto him. As I got later into middle school, I discovered Tumblr and thus the LGBT movement. That’s where I declared myself “pansexual” because I was open minded to whatever came my way. Later that year, I switched the label to “bisexual”. I also at the time dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression due to my parents getting a divorce and I turned to creating characters as a coping mechanism. All my characters were LGBT, but I put them into hetero relationships, families for them once again. One character I created called Caroline was in a way a projection of me and I made her a lesbian. Many of the characters that were in a way a projection of me were always lesbians.
Getting into high school, I developed my first crush on a girl, “T”. T was nothing too spectacular, but I thought she was cool, and I really liked her a lot. I even wanted to date her, but my friend asked her out first and they became a couple. I was really devastated by this, but I eventually got over it. I also developed another small crush on a friend of mine, “Z”. I remember I asked her out to TOLO, and I cried when she said she was going with someone else. I eventually decided not to go. Towards the end of the year as well, I noticed now that I began to develop possible sexual interest in girls, but that got shelved for years after Z thought I had touched her in the changing room. I had not. This had led me to change in the stall of the bathrooms for the rest of the year due to me not wanting to be perceived as a predator by other girls. Since both of my friends were dating at this time, I decided to also try things, but with guys. Maybe I saw them as my only option after being rejected by girls? I decided to choose a guy who I thought was “cute” and “developed feelings for him”. He was nice to me, but I remember not feeling much for him. I think he was more like a friend to me than anything else. During my freshman year as well, I developed an eating disorder, giving me a warped perception of myself. I never felt pretty enough and decided to dress more feminine to fit in and I craved male approval, probably due to absence of my father in my life. I was also a very overweight child growing up and people seeing me as attractive gave me a self-esteem boost, thus I turned to male attention for this. While I was in eating disorder treatment, I met another girl, “Ash”. I really liked Ash a lot and developed a minor crush on her. I wanted to be around her a lot. Unfortunately, her and I were never able to talk a lot due to restrictions put in place by the treatment facility. Going into the 10th grade, I met another girl who I fell for, “V”. V reminded me a lot of a character I had created and when she walked into the room, she instantly drew my attention in. She was so beautiful, and my teacher even assigned our seats next to one another, cue gay panic. The girl made me nervous, but in a good way. Too bad she ended up as my first straight girl crush. At this time as well, my best friend ended up breaking things off with T who had become abusive and began to date a man. My other friend also dated a series of guys as well and both had ended up losing their virginities by junior year, so had my sister. This had made me feel as if I was “behind” in some sense and decided to make my mission junior year to get a “boyfriend” for this sake. I didn’t even care about having a boyfriend beforehand. I only wanted one to fit in. This led me to latching onto a guy named “M” who I developed a “crush” on after having one conversation with him. Reflecting, I have a problem with thinking that if a guy is nice to me, then I must have a crush on him. I obsessed over him for a year and projected what I wanted in a relationship onto him. I don’t think I was even attracted to him, but I so desperately wanted contact and attention that I latched onto him. I remember wanting him to want me, not so much the other way around. Him and I ended having one weekend fling with one another, but I didn’t want to touch his penis or have sex with him. I only wanted to be validated in my attractiveness. He eventually wanted nothing more to do with me and I latched myself onto the next guy who gave me attention, “TR”. TR was a childhood friend of mine and was easy to latch myself on to. He gave me attention and provided a much-needed emotional support due to my mom’s failing second marriage. When it came time to me losing my virginity, I did it to get over with and afterwards I felt numb and had a major freak out, thinking I could’ve possibly been pregnant. During our relationship, he called me pet names that I was uncomfortable with and I didn’t really feel anything towards him and towards the end of the relationship, I felt relief when I broke up with him. After this relationship, it began my series of dating boys who approached me first. I never really thought of going out of my way to pursue anyone. I just didn’t really care and was so focused on school that I didn’t really want anything else. The second guy I dated, “J” was casual and nice. He never made me have sex with him and we hung out like friends. Finally, the last guy, “H” I dated due to me being set up with him by my ex-stepsister. It was also convenient that I wanted to go to prom, so maybe that was my reasoning for dating him. He and I had a mutually beneficial relationship, he gave me the “nuclear family” I so desperately craved and maybe I mistook that “love” I had for him for that need he gave me. I really did care for him, but I don’t think I was in love with him, the way he was with me. I cared for him deeply, but I believe more so in a sympathetic way. The first few months of the relationship were nice, but after that he made me miserable. He wanted me to move in with him and take things further, but alarm bells were going off in my head. I dreaded the possibility of me moving in with him. I didn’t want to marry him. In this relationship, I also hypersexualized myself. I tended to have sex with H frequently but did so because I wanted to be wanted. When it came to do anything with his penis, I did it to get it over with so I could have my turn. I preferred doing anything without it. After every time I had penetration intercourse, I always panicked and worried that I would end up pregnant. I didn’t want to be stuck with him and a baby. I wanted to do my own thing. This panic could’ve been due to my OCD or since I am not attracted to men. Every time I did anything with him, I always closed my eyes or tried to put myself into positions where I didn’t have to look at him. I also tended to dissociate a bit and thought of random things or focused on the actions, but I felt bored. I also could never maintain eye contact with him. I partially stayed with him due to guilt because he didn’t have a very good home life, but towards the end of the relationship I tried to avoid doing anything with his dick and was relieved when he lost his boner. I feel like I was treated like a fuck toy by him. Looking back now, I feel really degraded by all the sex I had. I did it to please my partner and never for myself. When I broke up with him, I felt relief. He was trying to turn me into someone I was not, and I felt trapped in the relationship with him. I preferred being away from him and I liked being by myself. I almost continued this cycle once again with another male approaching me, but I didn’t want to do more with him and panicked when he wanted to see me again.
During this year, I met the woman who would become my first girlfriend, “K”. I met K through TR whom I had become friends with again. K and I began to become really close to one another and I eventually fell hard for her. I tried my best to impress her and she returned my feelings. She was someone who I wanted to be with, not just set up with and go with the flow. In a way, she was my first love. Our time together was short and we both had our ups and downs, but she was my ‘catalyst’ so to speak. I wanted to give her things and please her. I cared about her! We ended breaking things off due to the distance and her own issues, but we remained friends for a time. She may have said some hurtful things to me, but I still cared for her wellbeing. I will always be thankful for K for helping me realize that I was gay, and that’s what brings me to today.
Looking back on all of this, I dealt with a lot of comphet. I craved approval and desired to be attractive to the opposite sex. I hypersexualized myself and dressed in a way to fit in with others, rather than putting how I wanted to be first. I also let men use me for their own desire and went along with what they wanted. I didn’t really know anything else, plus putting my own sexuality in the closet for so many years and not being able to acknowledge it until now really changed my perception of everything. I became someone who I was not in order to fit in and fill that void of male approval I was desiring due to my dad not being there. I realize now that I wasn’t really attracted to any of the men I was with. I don’t think I am attracted to men at all. I honestly only think I’m attracted to women and that’s okay.
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