Do you often think about Seb saying that Charles gave him an headache here and there (like his whole porpuse at rb wasn't annoying the living shit out of Mark) but he'll be the man of the future or are you normal?

It's my dad's birthday today and for the first time in the 22 years I've been alive for I haven't wished him a nice day or another happy year. It made me feel really guilty of course, but I don't think he deserves it. Almost four whole months of not talking to him have gone by, and he has asked around about how I've been and what I've been doing. He's not been brave enough to ask me though. Four months and he hasn't asked why I don't speak to him either. I assume he thinks it's because I'm ungrateful and greedy, interested only in his money. It's hard when it's the only thing someone has to offer you and no matter how many times you try to explain and how you fade away over the years and how they stop knowing you completely. The worst is the extent you can pull yourself from someone's life without them trying to stop you or wanting to know why. So I haven't wished him a happy birthday and I feel horrible about it but I have enough self respect for myself to not do it.

Two weeks ago I got a bus ticket going to work, because I didn't have enough money to get one. I've had to miss doctor's appointments and reschedule therapy for weeks because I can't cover it and the guilt I feel for my mum having to go back and forth angry texting my dad to give her 30 pounds is worse than missing it. We've only been able to get groceries once the past three weeks because she can't cover it more often than that and I've been scrapping together dinners and lunches for work with whatever we would have on hand. I have debts I haven't been able to pay off in months and things I've needed for weeks I keep pushing off because I can bearely find enough money for food let alone stupid shit I can stretch without for a little while longer. The ammount of work one has to put into something as stupid as not starving lays heavy on my heart on the bus ride home from work. I stare out of the window as it's pouring outside, the window foggy from the heat of the bus and the people inside it. It's the only moment of my day I have enough time to consider how I'm feeling and I'm not feeling well. I feel like my heart's growing heavier with each year of my life and I yearn for the times where I worried about my friends and my grades and how other people saw me and how sad I would feel and I had enough time and friends and people around to worry about.

I digress, my dad's birthday is today and soon I'm suing him for aliments. It's not a pleasant thought and not a pleasant thing to do and not something I want to do at all if I had any other choices. I feel guilty for it, but even more guilty for my mum who is left arguing with my dad and worrying about how she will pay for our house bills. My dad seems like he doesn't have money to cover any of this, judging by how angry he gets about these things, or how he used to make me beg and plead for him to help me pay for groceries in uni. My sister, in the same position but with perhaps less quiet anger and pride bubbling up inside her broke off her silence after months to beg and plead. When she talks to me about what she has to say and do to get 40 pounds for petrol and a doctor's appointment I feel sick and all the more I feel my silence is okay. I am not like her and have never been like her. I'm not one to scream and yell and storm off and ignore someone for months out of anger. My anger always feels like it's brewing quietly for weeks, months and years before I get so fed up I up and leave. I don't ever explain why, to anybody. So, my dad has so much money. I grew up more well-off than any of my friends, never even looked at the prizes of things in stores, never wondered if we would go on holidays to someplace fancy and never wondered if I asked for something if my parents would decline. I had private tutors, expensive shoes and money-consuming hobbies. Dad didn't blink twice sending me off to America in highschool, spending enough money on it to buy a brand new car. So yeah, inviting me to his new house last year, staring at his imported from Britain wallpaper that cost more than my life had the past 6 months and at his designer fucking frigde that cost more than my life had in the past year and a half? The quiet rage kept growing and growing, every time he would yell at me asking where my money had gone studying abroad that month because food isn't that expensive and I have to be lying to him.

So, no happy birthday.

I feel like I am drowning in on myself, always have been that kind of person. I have suprisingly always been well-liked, well-known, like the kind of person that managed to be recognized by most people I passed. A smile always plastered on my face, teasing and talkative. Engaged into everyone I turned my attention to as if we were the best of friends. First time I walked away from someone was from my first friend group in highschool. They were all nice kids, way more quiet than me and consistent in their presence. But I've always been loud and a bit annoying and really too trusting and too honest. And I had like a fucked up situation happen there and I promise as selfish as I am, that was not my fault. I got semi-dropped but I earned back my way into that group and then fucked it all up again only a couple months after for this girl I was really in love with. My best friend had feelings for her and confessed all this shit to me when I was away in America and it obviously didn't go all that well. I dropped the poor girl before I left, but for some reason things between us always have been this way like a slow magnetic pull always. And so I tried to ditch her to save my friendship with this person I really loved and cared about. But then shit happened and I got pulled back in and then again stupidly promised I wouldn't see her because I loved my friend that much. Despite how earnest I was to do this I obviously didn't last all that long and two months passed and we were stuck at each other's hip again. Kept being blown off by my friends who seemed to have moved on from me to some extent and it hurt me a lot so I dropped them completely. I was depressed for months but moved on later, whatever. Similar thing with the next friends I made. I don't confront people about things. I quietly hope they will shake themselves and realise they are being assholes. So again, I wasn't treated the best. I pulled away. Some people would try to come back into my life but I wouldn't let them. Gave them a chance once, which they fucked up so badly I refrained from doing that ever again.

I used to be really trusting, overly so. People would take advantage as people do. I don't like to trust people now. I have friends but kept at arms length, ones I've known for years who I am not close enough with for them to fuck me over too bad. I have other friends, in countries I don't live in anymore, who I wish I got to see but can't. I am a really lonely person. I yearn to have people I can rely on but I also like to push people away. So when I'm on the bus staring out at the route I've taken since I was thirteen, so familiar to me, I wish I had someone close. I am not interested in surface level friends like I used to be. That came after losing the first real friends I had. I don't know. Many times I've found out my closest friends would call me annoying and too much behind closed doors. I can honestly see what they meant but the diluted version of me that exists now makes me sick to my stomach. I used to be just as happy and excited and loud as I used to be sad but it was a whole me. Now I feel like a fructured mess of nothing and nothing to offer and nothing to want or need. Last time I made friends was maybe three years ago and since then I'v e felt less and less like myself.

So, anyways, off topic a bit. Sometimes walking through a busy street, on a train getting home and in a pasta aisle of a grocery store I want to start screaming and not stop. Start sobbing my heart out and have people look at me weird and pull their children away and call the security. I want to finally break and do something so crazy that at least somebody will look at me. I just still feel like that about everything- like a slow slow light and gentle brewing anger, non-spilling and not hot. Just bearely there if you don't look at it right or close enough. I don't know. When I was younger I used to think that if I killed myself then at least people would notice. I don't think I was that far off