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#i am emotional today its a rollercoaster i feel very very bad. continue to be emotional to spite people who hate me for it or suppress them
fromiftowhen · 3 years
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The Rookie: 3x09 Amber Thoughts/Spoilers
I have… a LOT of thoughts about this episode. Unsurprisingly, the majority of them are Chenford related, but I had a LOT of West and Lopez feels too, so. Here we go. I started to try to get my feelings out, but it just became me copying quotes that I either laughed or had other feelings about, so…
“Grey’s busy, and Smitty’s getting a back tattoo.”
“That’s --”
“Don’t ask.
-- When I say I laughed out loud. Jackson and Smitty’s relationship is one of the best callbacks this show does, and every mention of that ridiculous man is hilarious.
“But it’s super important she doesn’t get shot today.”
“No promises. You ride with me, you ride the rollercoaster.”
-- Nyla Harper is my favorite person. She was excellent in this episode, from the very beginning to the sweet moment at the end (that ending scene did NOT need to be about Nolan, this should have been solely focused on Lucy and Jackson and what they accomplished today, but I can’t say I’m surprised. But Harper made it better.)
Tim tossing the list out the window immediately.
“You know, littering is a $250 fine.”
“Worth it.”
Lucy pulling a backup list right out. They know each other SO well.
-- HILARIOUS. Although I’ll admit my guard was up the moment she pulled that list out and used the word “trickery.” It worked out differently than I thought it would, but… well. We’ll get to that.
“I knew my TO would be important to my career. But I don’t know. I didn’t realize how important you’d be to my life.”
-- I should have been more prepared for the Lopez and West feelings today. Their relationship probably started out the rockiest of all the TO/rookie pairings, and maybe rightfully so… but it’s become the least complicated, the closest to friendship the fastest, and their bond is just really something. Jackson was right - a LOT has happened in their 13 months together (yes, show, I remember exactly how long it’s been -- do you?) and they’ve both grown and changed in such wonderful ways. Angela looked sentimental the whole episode (while still being her badass, hilarious self) and West looked SO relaxed, it was such a lovely bookend to their first days together.
“I wish someone taught me how to be in this one.”
“Oh, so we are in a relationship.”
-- All the references to a relationship were good, if not entirely baity. But Tim’s delivery of that line was amazing and made me laugh out loud. He sounds so long-suffering and very much like an exasperated husband, and it really pinpointed one of the ways they interact that just WORKS so well. It just feels natural, and Eric Winter’s delivery was great.
“Tell me the truth -- Am I gonna poop myself?”
-- This entire conversation was so randomly hilarious (but added levity they all clearly needed then). Harper and Lopez are hilarious together and I truly wish the show gave us more of that.
“Don’t worry -- I will personally stand watch over your kid until you leave the hospital.”
-- Jackson West. I love you.
“I really hope our last shift together doesn’t end with that.”
“Yeah, me too.”
-- EMOTIONS.
Tim distracting her with her list. The man KNOWS her. And him acknowledging that she’s been to hell and back. Again, I say -- EMOTIONS. It was such a good callback to him knowing she needs to focus on work and order and process to remain calm in some situations.
“One look from you could send me into a tailspin.” And one day, it will again -- in an entirely different way, I am SURE. The way they both knew she was referring to Plain Clothes Day was great.
“I dunno. Smitty is surprisingly maternal.”
“That is the most horrifying idea I’ve ever heard, and I want it to be a reality show so bad.”
“Right? I would watch the hell out of that.”
-- Lowkey this was the most hilarious exchange of the night. I would also watch the hell out of that reality show. All these little moments made me miss Lopez and West together so much. Their scene at the end of the episode was lovely. All the times he thanked her. Please still let them interact often. The show NEEDS it.
“We did it.”
“No. You did it.” THE MOST TIM BRADFORD THING I’VE EVER HEARD.
“Office Chen impressed me with every decision she made today. I will miss riding with her.”
The callback to the evaluation in Plain Clothes Day. My heart skipped a beat, honestly. The way that Tim was looking at her in this scene while she read the note was… it was a lot, and apparently too much for me to process currently because that’s the most intelligible thing I’ve got to say about it.
“You don’t let anyone ever tell you you can’t do something. Not even me.”
-- WHILE HE HELD THE HANDSHAKE. This one line tells you all you need to know about Tim Bradford and his RELATIONSHIP with Lucy Chen, honestly. He knows she’s “as tough as they come” and has “been to hell and back” and he knows, even if it scares him, even if it gives him flashbacks to Isabel, that she can do it.
Her gift to him was such a nice callback. For a show that doesn’t seem to track or care about its actual timeline, they’ve done a wonderful job with callbacks especially this season, and especially Tim and Lucy related ones. All the Caleb/Rosalind stuff. All Isabel mentions. Multiple mentions of Plain Clothes Day and their first day riding together, etc.
Every. Single. Time. He has called her Lucy this season, I have had to compose myself, none more than in this episode. I do kind of wish they’d waited until that last moment to have him call her Lucy (to her face, we all know I don’t think the phone call scene from season one, although one of their very best moments, counts)... it might have felt slightly more impactful (although the moment in the season premiere was great in its own way.)
Honestly, it was a little weird for me watching the show tackle their final moments as TO/rookie because I’ve written so many versions of that myself? (And look, I’m not gonna lie, their version gave me feelings, but I liked mine better). I wish that truly lovely garage scene hadn’t come on the heels of that “confession” scene, but it did help make up for it.
You might have noticed that I specifically skipped over that “confession” scene in the shop. As soon as he started talking about lying and UC work, I said “ugh” and then immediately wrote the scene in my head -- down to her laugh, it was that predictable once you got the gist. And I’m going to be honest -- if I had written it, I would have deleted it.
I KNEW going in -- and I think most people will agree -- that this was not going to be a true confession. That we weren’t going to get a Chenford love confession tonight (and please, can we discuss that ‘canon’ and ‘endgame’ are not interchangeable for just a sec.) But the way it happened just felt SUPER ship baity, and using it in the promo even more so. I just felt super pandered to in a ridiculous way that didn’t leave me with the most pleasant feelings about the writers… the garage scene at the end definitely helped, but overall the confession scene left a sour taste.
The thing is -- the things she said? How he saved her? How the reason he’s protective of her is that he might have feelings too? Those are all valid things! And things that, at least in fic, I believe. But watching that scene, me, someone who can read something shippy in the TINIEST glance? I didn’t FEEL those things. I wasn’t nodding along like “yep, yep, that’s all true” -- there wasn’t a moment during that scene where they looked at each other and I thought “yes, this is hitting too close to home for one of them.” Maybe that’s just me. I don’t know.
And I don’t know if that’s because I was too in my feelings about being badly pandered to, or if it just wasn’t there, or what. But… just overall I’m left with a feeling that it was just an entirely unnecessary scene that probably didn’t serve the ship well, just judging by some reactions I’ve seen.
Those feelings though? The ones I wanted to feel in that confession scene? I FELT THOSE, every single one of them, in the parking garage scene at the end.
Every look was perfect. Every pause, the handshake (a hug would have truly saved the confession mess, let's be honest, but can't be picky), the way he looked at her as she read, THAT is the writers do SO perfectly right for Tim and Lucy (and I know the majority of that credit goes to Eric and Melissa, because the moments that are the most impactful are the looks that just can't be entirely scripted.)
Do I still ship them with every fiber of my being? Yes, and nothing the writers do or don’t do will change that. Will I still (eventually again) write a million words about them falling in love how I think they should? Yes. Do I need the show to stick to moments like in the parking garage -- real, honest moments between them? YES. That is what the show gets right about their relationship. If they can just stick to those moments -- and somehow continue them and make them believable even if they’re no longer riding together -- I’ll be happy.
Am I worried about their interactions now that they’re no longer riding together? Yes. Their chemistry is honestly the best thing on this show. Giving less screen time to Lopez and West together has been rough -- not only on the relationships aspect that so much drives the show but on the timing/pacing as well -- and I worry that their best characters/best ship not sharing as much screen time will not help either of these issues.
Maybe they’ll surprise me. I hope -- I think -- they will.
(Random, but things I still need from this season: A Rachel mention? Don't get me wrong, if they want to forget her, I'm cool... but it feels like (even a fake love) confession should have been the right time to be like "I know this is awkward, you're dating my friend..." Come on, show. I don't care about her, but you tried HARD to sell us on her last season, so at least give her a two second mention to update us on what is actually going on. The Lopez-Evers wedding. (Do I think it'll be THE Chenford event most people are hoping for? No. But I'm ready to be proven wrong.) A continuation on Harper's love life. UPDATE ME on my girl.)
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patchun · 2 years
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So. Pokemon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions these past few months, as we have waited for its release. Today, I am thinking rationally, so here I'll be laying out my perceived pros and cons of these games.
PROS:
Following Pokemon
Online Underground
Updated Contests
New model poses for some Pokemon
Challenging postgame
Prettiest 3d entry in the series
Cute 3D Gardenia model
Seems as though it will be possible to complete the National Dex with minimal interaction with Sw/Sh
CONS:
No Battle Frontier
No Distortion World
Forced annoying Friendship mechanics
Likely no Megas
Likely no/minimal stat or movepool buffs
Forced EXP Share
I felt it was important that we not forget the pros amongst this flood of (mostly) bad news. In particular, the lack of Battle Frontier and stat/movepool buffs are reallllly big flaws in my opinion, and will definitely serve as major downsides to the game. The friendship mechanics thing is hard to visualize, just how bad that's going to be, but I have a feeling that will be worse than it is in plain text. The lack of Megas is also really annoying. However, I have a small shred of hope remaining that we'll get DLC that includes both Megas and the Battle Frontier. Let me dream.
As far as positives go, though, following Pokemon is really big! That's going to be really cool. The online Underground also seems like it'll be awesome, and being able to catch Pokemon from the Nat Dex before you even have it will really open up your team options (looking at you, Fire types). The other really big one here is the cute 3D Gardenia model updated Contests! Perhaps even if Mega Lopunny isn't in the game, I'll be able to use my shiny Lopunny to destroy the Contest Hall. I do think that these games will probably be best if you go for the 100% completion, and it's something I'm excited to try. I remember actually being serious about contests back in the original games, getting all the medals and everything. So I'm excited to do that again.
Ultimately, if this pros and cons list remains the same, and nothing changes with the Day 1 patch or further DLC, I think these games will be 6 or 7 out of 10 at best. Which, considering that I think SwSh were 0/10 games with literally nothing valuable in them, is a step up!
It's just a huge shame, because looking back on everything, I think it's very clear that ILCA really does care about making these games good. But it seems that Pokemon executives gave them barely any time, and they had to decide, "alright, what can we accomplish within this time limit." And it honestly seems like they did a pretty good job with that. But fuck the Pokemon executives, and fuck the Pokemon company. Just gotta remember that they are who we should be angry with, not the developers.
I hope that ILCA will be able to continue to work on the game after release and expand it further. I hope that we get some Platinum content as DLC. With that, I think these games could really shoot up to being some of the best Pokemon games of all time. It just depends on whether the Pokemon Company is going to force something else on them immediately after release, I think.
So, I won't be cancelling my preorder. I'm going to try to enjoy the games as they are and pray (and keep submitting tickets to Pokemon Support >:<) that we get more.
However, I do think, and I genuinely mean this, that this will be my last Pokemon game. I'm really tired of this obviously painful cycle, and of supporting it. According to Centro Leaks, we'll be getting a lot more from Pokemon next year than we expect, and uh, yeah, I really dread that.
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tiny-maus-boots · 3 years
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Queen of Hearts pt 10
10. Stacked Deck
“You’re really alright?”
Stacie smiled and dipped her head in a slight nod. The last few hours of her life had been a rollercoaster of unexpected emotions and events but by far the most unexpected was this. Helene gave her daughter’s arm a gentle squeeze before hesitatingly pulling her into an awkward but heartfelt embrace. It was the first in a long time that actually felt…unscripted.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Really.” It wasn’t the ideal introduction to her life that she’d wanted for her mother but it was what it was. Stacie shook her head a little and pulled back so she could look her mother in the eye. “We’re going to be fine.”
“I wasn’t asking about Aubrey.” There was a decidedly crisp tone there, shattering the tender hope that maybe things might be okay and Stacie felt the muscles in her back tighten in anticipation of what was coming. Her arms dropped away in from the short-lived hug. “Aubrey is not my child. You are.”
“No but she’s a part of my life and she’s going to be my wife, mom.” Stacie sighed and shook her head realizing that to continue would only bring a fight she didn’t have the energy for. Especially when all she wanted to do was go home with Aubrey and find out what happened. “You know what…never mind. Thank you for your concern but you don’t need to worry about it.”
She started to turn back to get in the car when Helene pulled her back with a desperate grasp. “Wait…”
“For what? I know how you feel already.”
“No, you do not. That has always been your problem Anastacia, you are so brilliant and observant that you think you know everything! Admittedly, you’re correct an irritating amount of the time but you do not know everything. Don’t presume to know what even I do not.”
Helene took a breath and settled her posture in a camera-ready pose. It was a habit so deeply ingrained that she doubted her mother was aware of it. She gave a nod of apology and Helene let the rigidity of her spine relax.
“I’m sorry. I know you’re worried about me but…”
“I don’t have to be. Yes. You’ve said.” The older woman took a step forward and sighed softly. “I came looking for insight into your life. That old adage of be careful what you wish for suddenly rings truer than ever before.”
Stacie chuckled and nodded her head. “Yeah. Today was a lot. Thank you for coming with me to the station. It meant a lot to me that you were there. Maybe I don’t know how you feel about things but I know what all this looks like.”
Silence swallowed them up as her mom considered her next words. “It looks to me that you care about Aubrey very much.”
“I do.”
“It also looks like she cares very deeply for your happiness.” Her head came up quickly in question but Helene gave no further explanation as she went on. “Politically speaking this could ruin your father’s career and standing within the party.”
“Spoken like the wife of a Senator.”
A small smile graced Helene’s face making her eyes soften. “Speaking as a mother…I worry that this life will put you in physical danger.” Stacie’s brows came up and she opened her mouth to speak but Helene raised a hand to stop her from saying what they both already knew. “I know. Perhaps too little, too late. What I am saying is that…I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I failed you in many ways Anastacia, I don’t want to fail you again.”
Oh. It was hard to hear that, perhaps because she’d always wanted to hear some kind of acknowledgment that her mother ever cared about her at all. She’d been holding on to a resentment knowing this moment would never come, so sure that her mother had given up all real maternal feelings for her the moment the umbilical cord had been cut. And now she didn’t know what to do with the feelings she never thought she’d have to let go. It was going to take her some time to unpack all of that and process it.
“Can you be happy for me?”
It was the only question that actually mattered at the moment. What she needed from her mom wasn’t a protector. Not anymore anyway. What she needed was support. Some kind of affirmation that no matter what her mom would be a part of her life even if some aspects of it caused her to worry.
“Will it undo our tentative truce if I say I’m trying?”
Stacie smiled and wrapped her arms around her mom in a tight hug. It wasn’t a rousing yes, and she didn’t expect it to be. But it was honest and real and that was enough for her. Helene stiffened for a second then retuned the hug with a gentle squeeze. It wasn’t totally okay and they both knew that. Life wasn’t a sitcom where differences were resolved with a heartwarming hug and a cued laugh track. But there was a new understanding between them. Maybe now they could start rebuilding the bridge they burnt down so many years before.
 An hour and a half later she was still replaying the conversation in her head. Aubrey unlocked the door and pushed it open before glancing inside and stepping in. Stacie was right on her heels, lost in thought and unprepared for the arm that shot out across her chest to keep her from walking in further. Keen green eyes searched the interior of the entry as she reached to the small of her back and pulled her gun from its holster.
“Stay close.”
Stacie nodded and placed a hand on Aubrey’s back, following her in past the stairs and into the living room. The blonde stopped abruptly with a growl and put her gun away before stepping into the entrance of the large room. Stacie edged behind her fiancée and poked her head around the other woman’s shoulder only to see Detective Mitchell in all her smirky glory lounging on Aubrey’s white leather couch with her motorcycle boots propped up on the glass topped coffee table.
“Hey, Daddy. How was the pokey?”
“I swear to Christ, Mitchell…one of these days I’m going to shoot you. Get your damn feet off my table.”
Detective Mitchell grinned widely and lowered her feet to the ground. “Sorry. You’ll be happy to know that your lawyer filed a restraining order against our department but I don’t know if that will stop the Feds.” Aubrey nodded and moved to the mini bar to pour them all a drink. “Water for me, thanks.”
Stacie and Aubrey looked at each other in surprise then glanced at the small brunette. Aubrey shrugged and grabbed three bottles of water from the mini fridge. Had it been anyone else neither of them would have batted an eye at the request but it was Beca. She never turned down a drink.
“How did Agent Esposito take the news that LAPD is backing off?”
Beca took the water bottle and shrugged. “Well I’m pretty sure she’s possessed cause her head almost started spinning.” She took a sip of her water still smiling at the memory. “But I don’t know, Posen, we’re missing a beat somewhere. I talked to my guy at the Bureau and he seemed to think you’re just some low-level capo. I don’t think they were looking at you seriously.”
While she appreciated the visual, Stacie didn’t think Alice’s tantrum meant anything but more trouble despite Beca’s assessment of the FBI’s interest. Aubrey seemed to think so too because she nodded and settled herself on the couch next to the detective. “She’s like a dog with a bone. She’s not going to let this go if the Feds can really pull together a case.”
Stacie frowned at that as she settled into a chair. “How can they have a case, no one knows anything and Weston is dead.”
Aubrey sighed deeply and leaned forward so her elbows rested on her knees. “They have images of me boarding Whitman’s boat. It’s not enough but it gives them wiggle room to try and find something else.”
She knew there had to be something; they wouldn’t have pulled Aubrey in if there wasn’t. But Stacie hadn’t been prepared for actual hard evidence. It left her struggling to figure out how that fit in with their life and future plans. Detective Mitchell gave a low whistle and shook her head.
“It’s bad yeah, but not the worst. Circumstantial at best and I’ve seen street thugs get out with more on them than that.” There was a bitter edge to Mitchell’s voice as she stood and headed for the door. “I’ll see if I can find out exactly what they have on you. Not that I can do anything about it but at least it gives you a place to start cleaning up.”
“Something bigger is going on, it feels like a stacked deck. Watch your ass, Bec.”
“See, Daddy? I knew you liked me.”
“Gun is still loaded, Mitchell. Call me Daddy one more time and see what happens.”
Stacie watched the detective smirk and make her way to the door in the kitchen to sneak off the property. The second the door shut she turned her gaze on Aubrey. The other woman had a faraway look as she pondered everything she had learned that day. The brunette moved from the chair to straddle her fiancée’s lap.
“You weren’t kidding about what our life could be like.”
Aubrey searched her face for a long time and Stacie suspected she was looking for any sign that this was going to break them. Stacie smiled gently and smoothed the wrinkle of worry in the blonde’s brow. This was new and a little bit scary but it wasn’t even close to changing how she felt about the other woman or any of her plans to get married.
“Ready to run away yet?”
“Only if we’re running away together.”
The thread of tension that had been just under the surface released and Stacie slid her hands under Aubrey’s jacket and over her shoulders to slip it off. Running anywhere wasn’t on her list of things to do, and especially not running away from the only person that she truly felt safe with. There were a lot of unknowns in their life right now but what she did know what an immutable truth. She loved Aubrey Posen with every bit of her being and nothing was ever going to come between them. Not their exes or families, or even the FBI.
“You know you’re quite the woman, Ms. Conrad. Thanks for coming to my rescue today. How’d you know?”
“A tiny birdy with a big mouth.” The corners of Aubrey’s lips quirked in a grin and Stacie couldn’t help but kiss each corner. “You should give her a bonus.”
“Oh yeah? Got any other business ideas?”
“Tons.” Stacie smiled into the kiss Aubrey pulled her into. Warm hands trailed down her back in a promising caress. “We should have the wedding catered by Flo. The food is amazing and the price will be right. It’ll strengthen our business relationship by giving her a foothold to a new client base. And what makes her money, makes you money. Besides my mother loved her food.”
“You know I love it when you have ideas.” Aubrey nipped at her lip playfully, hands gripping her hips to pull Stacie in closer. “Speaking of your mom…that was surprising. How much does she hate me over this?”
“She dropped by the shelter and was there when Beca called. She’s not thrilled, Bree. But. I dunno. I need space from it for a bit. It was a lot.”
Her shoulder came up in a shrug and she leaned forward into Aubrey’s body. There was no pressure to talk about anything, just reassuring acceptance and it meant the world to Stacie. She wasn’t ready yet to sift through her feelings on Helene’s visit. The arms around her tightened comfortingly and she smiled against the soft skin of Aubrey’s neck.
“I think we both need a little space from this whole scene. Maybe we should take a trip back east.”
Stacie sat up and raised a brow in question. Aubrey never did anything without a good reason. “Why back east?”
Aubrey gave a half shrug, trying not to look as nervous as Stacie knew she suddenly was. “I was thinking it was time you met The Family.”
“Wow. Did not see that one coming.”
“I figured I got to meet yours…”
“Is this business family or…”
“A little of both. You’re not just gonna be one of the wives in the family, you’re my partner. I think it’s better they know from the start how it’s going to be from now on. And I have a feeling we’ll find the answers to some of our questions there.”
The confidence was exhilarating, and Stacie found herself inhaling deeply against the rise of arousal. Aubrey wasn’t asking anyone’s permission to include her in the business side of things. Either old school mafiosos had gotten a lot more progressive in their thinking or Aubrey didn’t expect to be challenged in any serious way. Stacie’s eyes narrowed slightly. Everyone had a boss they answered to and she didn’t think for one second that she would be accepted just because Aubrey said so. Unless.
“You’re not just ‘some low-level capo’ like Detective Mitchell’s Bureau buddy thinks, are you?”
Amused pale green eyes rose to meet hers as Aubrey gave her a sinfully cocky smirk. Whatever flimsy control she had over her arousal was battered away by the tidal wave of raw lust that slammed through her. Stacie slid her hand down over the blonde’s chest and pulled the silk tie free from the vest. She stood on legs already shaky with anticipation and tugged lightly to urge Aubrey up.
“I think you should take me to bed now, don’t you?”
Aubrey gave a soft grunt of agreement as she let herself be led by the tie. “Like I said, I love it when you have ideas.”
Later they could figure out everything from wedding plans to avoiding prison, right now however Stacie had more pressing needs.
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purplesurveys · 3 years
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1245
Serious question, peanut butter or nutella?  Oh you are just mean. Nutella is amazing as a filling or icing, but when it comes down to it I guess I look for peanut butter more often. I love both though.
Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes?  Mashed. But baked potatoes are pretty good too; the only reason I didn’t pick it is that I don’t get to have it as often as I do mashed.
What is your oldest sibling’s middle name?  I’m the eldest sibling, but my sister, who comes after me, has Beatrice as her second name if that’s what you mean by middle name.
Do you like breadsticks?  Yes. The more cheesy-garlicky, the better.
What are your favorite things to spend money on?  Merch or food.
Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten?  Puppy. Not the biggest fan of cats.
How old will you be on your next birthday?  24.
Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people?  If it’s the combination of having to be around people I’m not too close with, like workmates, and I’m eating something that tends to be messy, like jjajangmyeon, then yeah I can definitely feel conscious.
When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts?  I fell asleep from 11 PM to around 3 AM and when I woke up then I thought  “ugh, I fell asleep early again?”
What is one thing in the room you’re in that reminds you of somebody?  My vape pen constantly reminds me of Andi because they were the one who gave it to me.
Could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic?  No.
Would you ever want to be a supermodel, or date one?  I did want to be one, at one point. It was all a matter of being stuck with the wrong crowd at the time lol.
Honestly, have you ever made fun of somebody so bad they cried?  Probably with my sister when we were very young.
Honestly, would you rather be complimented on your looks or intelligence?  Intelligence.
Have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise? I never have.
You can get one thing, anything, for free right now. What do you pick? Why?  A 1 or 2 TB hard drive. My phone has reached the stage where I’m starting to have to constantly delete shit so I don’t reach the maximum storage, so I need someplace to dump all my photos and videos in to free up my phone.
Honestly, have you ever danced naked?  Nope.
What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught? I dunno...buy pirated movies? I didn’t get ‘caught’ since pirated movie stalls are widespread here anyway, so for the most part I’ve always been more concerned for them than I am for myself.
What is the home page on the computer you’re on?  Technically it’s supposed to be the Google home screen, but I have an extension that shows me my to-do list for the day.
Do you like to write poetry?  Nah, that’s always been my Achilles’ heel when it comes to writing.
Are your ears pierced?  Yup. Surprisingly enough they’ve never closed up despite never having worn earrings (clip-ons notwithstanding) in the last 13 years.
If so, were they pierced with a piercing gun, or with a sterile needle?  I’m not sure, since my mom had them pierced when I was a baby. I would guess piercing gun, though.
Do you wear makeup regularly? I never wear makeup.
Did you eat cereal for breakfast today?  I never have cereal unless I’m staying at hotels. It’s just never been something I look for.
When was the last time you tripped over something?  A box that was lying around in my room.
Any obsessive-compulsive tendencies?  I’ll sometimes get concerned with how many times I have to flick the switch of our hot water dispenser or open and close the refrigerator door before I feel completely satisfied...but I dunno if that counts.
Who was the last person you yelled at?  Technically...Angela? I was filming an unboxing video for a gift she randomly got me and I loved the gift so much I was yelling my excitement through the screen.
Why did you yell at them?  ^ That.
Favorite type of apple?  I don’t like fruits.
Ever seen live horse racing?  No, it’s not something that interests me.
How about live greyhound racing?  I don’t even know what that looks like.
What’s one thing, besides the obvious, that you couldn’t live without?  The arts, I guess. I need something to listen to, to watch, etc on a regular basis.
Have you ever touched a giraffe?  I don’t think so.
What does your mom call you?  Robyn, or the Filipino term parents use for their kids.
What stresses you out the most in life?  A particular client at work. We have a million campaigns going on for them at any given point so my life virtually revolves around that brand these days.
Do you play any PC games? What is your favorite?  Nope.
If you were pregnant, how would you tell the father? Well, that would depend on the circumstances. Did we want a baby? Was it a bad surprise, a happy surprise? I can't answer this with just one idea. < Yeah.
What’s the hardest level you can play on Guitar Hero?  If I’m using a Playstation controller, I can go Hard or Expert. But my finger coordination with the actual guitar controller is terrible and I fail most songs even at Easy.
What ever happened with you and your first boyfriend?  There was never any ‘boyfriend,’ but my first girlfriend and I have basically had a falling out and I haven’t talked to her in months, and I expect it to continue being that way.
What’s your favorite country song?  I don’t have any.
What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you?  Putting her pride and anger first even when I’m obviously in a state of disstress or breakdown in front of her. That’s some emotional rollercoaster I’m glad I don’t have to deal with anymore.
What were you for Halloween last year?  Just Dora the Explorer again, which was a repeat from the year before that.
Are you feeling guilty for something?  I don’t think so; at least there isn’t anything I’m actively feeling guilty about at the moment.
Are you usually quiet or loud?  I think I’m in between? I’m pretty loud but I can space out at the most random moments hahaha.
How many hours do you spend on the computer a day?  This question always makes me wince at myself...I guess anywhere between 16-18 hours? The only time I put my laptop down is when I’m off to bed, but otherwise it’s constantly open.
What is the show that you watched when you were little, and you still do? I don’t think there is such a show.
Do your siblings text you?  Nope. We live under the same roof 24/7 so there’s been little need to text.
Do you want a small or big wedding?  Big.
Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth?  Yes, but that was when Google Earth was still super bare so I wasn’t able to see the actual house anyway, but just the general area where we’re located. I haven’t used Google Earth in years.
Who is your ex dating/talking to?  I don’t know and I hoooonestly could not care less.
Ever kissed someone who smokes?  Yep.
Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you?  Depends on my mood. I have my moments where it’s very easy for me to get irritated.
Do you own your own computer?  I mean it was bought for me, but I didn’t get it with money I earned.
Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings?  When my brother was starting to mature, my sister and I very very briefly experimented sharing a room, but it lasted like all of two weeks. My parents ultimately just transferred our balcony to a bedroom so that all three of us had our own rooms.
What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment?  An airplane is flying above me at the moment so I can hear its engine. I can also hear some crickets chirping and the faint barking of dogs.
Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours?  Yup.
What’s the biggest upcoming event for you?  I guess my second vaccine dose is kinda big? It’s happening this Friday.
What do you typically order from Wendy’s?  I rarely get Wendy’s tbh, but when I do I usually go for their Baconator.
Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper?  No, it’s not something I would be into.
What do you love most about yourself? Continued the next day because I am terrible at taking a survey in one go. I like that I don’t hesitate to do or buy things for my loved ones, not even inwardly. I guess it’s because my family has always lived very practically, so I want to make up for that by spoiling my friends.
Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed?  Yes.
What are you doing right now?  I am supposed to be at work but it’s a relatively quiet day, so I’m here. I do have my screen split between Tumblr and my emails though, so that I’d be able to see if new work will come in hahaha.
What’s bothering you right now?  Quiet work days always make me anxious because it makes me think if I’m forgetting about something crucial.
What was the last thing you drank?  I literally just took a sip of my coffee before moving on to this question.
Be honest, do you like people in general?  Depends on the situation, I think. Like when I go to concerts, I know I’m around people I share the same interests with, so there’s a sense of solidarity that goes with that. But when I’m like...I dunno, lining up to get my license renewed at a government office, I know people there are in a rush and tend to get rude, and that makes me feel a little bit overwhelmed. I don’t think this is something I can generalize.
Do you want your tongue pierced?  No. Lip I can consider, but I have to pass on tongue. 
Do you change your phone background a lot?  I do these days, yeah.
Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?  Possibly.
Have you ever been strip searched?  I’ve been searched, but was never asked to strip.
Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it?  No, it’s an ordinary surname.
Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly?  Never.
Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I get sick of people who call themselves bipolar, and of people who use ‘bipolar’ to describe someone else who just has your typical mood swings.
Describe your day so far in three words:  Business as usual.
What was the most stressful project you had so far/while in school? I was once designated as a leader for a science investigative project, which didn’t make sense because science was definitely not my strongest point. Needless to say it didn’t go well and I ended up being a terrible leader. Choose one- Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers:  Butterfinger, even though they’re a bitch to eat and chew.
Have you ever stepped in dog poop?  Maybe once or twice. It fortunately doesn’t happen a lot.
What was the last thing you spent money on?  I got Angela and Reena cheese tarts. The reason behind it was Jin held a VLIve last Monday and he had been eating egg tarts during the stream; and because I was happy to have watched my first Jin live, I got my friends cheese tarts hahaha. I don’t know a lot of places that sells good egg tarts so I settled for cheese tarts instead, which I think are better anyway.
Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed?  Yeah.
Is there a guy that knows a lot about you?  I guess Hans? We personally don’t get to have a lot of heart-to-heart exchanges, but considering how Angela’s my greatest confidante I’m sure she has shared bits of my life to him, which I don’t mind.
Is there someone you just can’t imagine your life without?  I don’t really like answering this question anymore because the people that I’ve declared ‘for keeps’ have faded out of my life at some point. I’m a lot more guarded and self-preservation-y when it comes to this now.
Do you prefer Starbucks coffee or small cafe coffee?  Ooooh, both. I love coffee.
Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum?  No.
Do you enjoy being outdoors?  If the weather is nice, yes.
Do people tell you that you have an accent?  I mean I’ve been told my English is strong, but my accent in particular doesn’t really get noted.
Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July?  I don’t celebrate that.
What’re some unspeakable subjects for you?  I don’t like talking about my brother. Otherwise I am pretty open about everything.
Is there anyone you would take a bullet for?  Several people come to mind.
Do you enjoy tanning?  If I’m at the beach, sure. It’s honestly not something I have to constantly keep up with, though, since I’m already naturally tan enough. Are you a virgin?  No.
Who’s your celebrity crush?  Taehyung :(
Did or do you get good grades in English class?  I always got pretty good grades in English.
What part of your body are you self-conscious about?  Teeth, and my legs sometimes.
Are you expected to help fix Thanksgiving dinner?  I don’t celebrate that.
Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer?  Yes.
Do you personally know anyone who is transgender?  Yes.
When was the last time you got a shot?  Last month, then I’m getting my second dose tomorrow.
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anotherbeingsworld · 4 years
Text
The Revelation - Part 3 (Final)
(Part 1, Part 2) 
Summary: A revelation for their story. 
Characters: Bryce Lahela, Casey Valentine and Keiki Lahela. 
Warnings: None. 
A/N: I’M BACKKK (well, not literally since I have been reblogging stuff and all! ) I hope all of you are doing amazing/good/fine/well and all the good stuff! My life has been really hectic, and classes above all has been a huge thing. I really miss writing and, with uni; its getting quite tough to write anything. I missed writing Bryce but, I am so happy we got our boy back. This story is the end of the Imagines series, I never planned to expand it, but... maybe in the future. For now, this is the third part (I am being dramatic, sjsjskk but.. this is a mini series that I never thought would happen and seeing it got lots of love from all of you. It made me realize why I kept on writing it.)  Also, I apologize if i am very behind on fics! I havent been able to catch up with anything and, I will try to catch up during this weekend! (Hopefully!) I apologize in advance if they are any grammar mistakes since English was never a first language but, I hope all of you will love it! Sending virtual hugs to all of you, i hope you have a good day/night!! <3 
Thank you @mvalentine , for the major idea for this part! and, to everyone who has been there given me all the hugs and all. Sending love towards ya. <33
Tags:  Tags:  @bitchloveskcbaseball​​ , @storyofmychoices​​ @jaxsmutsuo​​ , @mvalentine​​ , @princess-geek , @lahellacute​​ , @kacie-0156​​ , @simp-for-villains​​ , @annekebbphotography​​ , @brycelahel​​, @mrsbhandari​​ , @dcbbw​​ , @choicessa​​ , @choices-confessions , @aylamwrites​​ , @fantasyoverreality98​​ , @drakewalker04​​ , @baltersome​​ , @thecordoniandiaries​​ , @thundergom​​  @starrystarrytrouble​​, @ohramsey​​ , @kelseaaa​​  , @rookie-ramsey​​ , @bratzlahela​​ , @ohvamsey​ , @choicesficwriterscreations , @soft-for-drake , @lalizah
LINK TO MY MASTERLIST
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It never occurs to him that one day, his sister will be living with him whilst he tries to survive his life at Edenbrook. But, after that day; it felt like an emotional rollercoaster for both of them. Readjusting, reliving old memories and reconnecting to each other. He never knew that he missed her that much, and Keiki didn't realize that being there felt like she was doing something right once in a while.
It is weeks after their meeting, and things are looking up for both of them. Bryce felt much better knowing that Keiki is safe, as he is learning to be her brother from now on. Or, as Casey would put it; be her best friend that he was once before.
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Keiki and Casey are at his apartment as they planned on this special day; Bryce's birthday. Casey had already planned an advanced celebration in mind for him but, both herself and Keiki especially Keiki wanted to celebrate something for him. Casey had slept over at the Lahela’s today, as both of them did some huge planning for it.
After long hours of planning and browsing through 8 million pins on Pinterest for the last week. They finally started their journey on making it the best birthday for him.
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Casey and Keiki are hustling on buying confetti streamers and everything needed for a birthday for Bryce. Both of them were enthusiastic to make it happen as it was Keiki's first celebration with Bryce for years.
'We need a chocolate cake!' Keiki exclaimed as Casey let out a chuckle at her excitement.
Keiki ran forward and reached the bakery aisle where there were various cakes in the display making both of them gasped in awe at the number of delicious delicacies that were in front of them.
‘Let’s get all of em!’ An evil look in Keiki's eyes, as Casey felt her stomach grumble in hunger as she hadn't had breakfast even though she would remind her patients to not forget the most important meal of the day.
‘….I called dibs on the rainbow cake!' Casey leaps forward as she had her hand in the rainbow sponge cake that was calling her name as Keiki ran to the other end of the aisle picking up three different types of cakes varied from vanilla, chocolate, and cheesecake.
They meet up at the center of the aisle, as both of them let out a laugh. The looks on the customers who are shaking their heads in disapproval made Casey a bit nervous, as she gets a bit too overwhelmed by the sudden looks. Keiki remembers small info that Bryce told her about Casey, as she immediately places the cakes in their cart and gives Casey a small squeeze on her hand, the same gesture that Bryce would do. It calmed her nerves before both of them smiled at each other. It somehow was a bonding moment, as at that moment Keiki felt like the sister she never had and little did she know; Keiki felt the same way about her as well. They proceed on getting all the stuff needed for Bryce's surprise party before getting lunch.
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After a huge number of supplies and food has been brought in their possession, they made it with a lot of time to prepare. There were foods to be served, confetti to be hung, and all the presents needed to be hid as well. Much much later, after three quarters of the home had been covered with confetti, they decided to take a break before a dreaded task was heading their way: blowing balloons. Casey was never a fan of balloons except hot air balloons. Both of them sank themselves on the couch that she knew all too well, and all the memories placed a small smile on her face.
She turns her attention to Keiki, who is relaxing as well. But, Casey figures there is a guarded look in her eyes. Somehow, something there is still bothering her. She doesn't wants to pry on their business, but… it feels like she needs a friend. A sister, or maybe someone who isn’t Bryce.
‘Do you think he will like it?’ She starts the conversation after finally figuring out what to say.
Her eyes falls at the decorations around the house, a small smile appears on her face.
‘I think so, his last birthday party back home was before he left for college… ‘ she pauses a bit, somehow an attempt to recover the memory from the back of her mind.
‘It was his 18th, and I remember he got into a fight the night before with dad. And, I feel bad for him. We ended up having a small celebration of our own, at the kitchen with some of our maids in the house. The maids helped me in surprising him with a chocolate cake, and we did celebrate it with a marathon of cartoons.’ A smile appeared on her face, as she was sucked into the memory of it all.
‘That sounds lovely Keiki.’ She places her hands on her shoulder, giving her an encouraging nod.
‘Thanks, it was years ago… it’s one of those days y’know.’ She shrugged it out but, the environment between them suddenly became tense, as she slowly raise her guard back up once more, somehow a shield was placed in front of her.
There was a silence between them,
‘How do you feel seeing him again?’ Casey constructed her sentence slowly, as the nerves inside of her were screaming loudly.
‘I… don’t know. It was happening so fast, and… I don’t know where to go. I always wanted to see him again, but he had told them about not returning back. I thought he was exaggerating but, I never was ready to not be with him. We faced our whole lives together, and one day… walking down the large hallways, it doesn’t feel right. Coming here wasn't the smartest way to escape but… it felt like I was destined to come.’ Her head dropped, somehow an attempt to hide herself from embarrassment.
‘Hey… it’s okay. You don’t have to feel bad about it.’ Casey reassures her, as they sat in silence once more.
‘I know, I know… I feel helpless at home, and the first thought I have was to see Bryce again. It’s silly honestly…’ She shrugs it off again.
‘It’s not silly to miss your own brother Keiki… I admit, I never even knew about you before our unfortunate meet at the front of the door.. which I am still embarrassed about..’ Her cheeks went red remembering the comment she left before at his front door that was a scarred memory for her. Keiki lets out a small laugh, as she somehow knows what Casey is talking about.
‘Anyways- what I mean to say is… I think he is happy to have you here aswell.’ She stated earning a questionable look from Keiki’s face.
‘Seriously?’
Casey nods, with a huge smile on her face.
‘Yeah, he seems much happier. Somehow, I can sense that both of you are close before.’
Keiki was smiling as she felt much at ease, from the revelation that somehow she didn’t know she was looking for. She stood up, happily with the conversation as they continue on getting the house ready for one Bryce Lahela.
Casey was about to move towards the balloons, before Keiki stops her mid-way earning a surprise look on her face.
‘Keiki, what’s up?’
She was silent, somehow searching for the right words.
‘Thank you.’
‘Happy to help, now all of these balloons ain’t gonna blow themselves!’ She gestures at the balloons that were scattered on the apartment floor.
A laugh escapes from the younger Lahela, as they proceed on the task. A sense of calm overcoming herself. A revelation she didn’t know she needed before.
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It was finally 6 p.m. as they are finally done putting up the decorations, as the apartment somehow looks homey and fun at the same time! Both Keiki and Casey both threw themselves on the couch as the exhaustion finally caught up to them, it was a long and tiring day for both of them. But, the results were amazing so they didn’t mind at all.
The sound of the door opening caught both of their attention, as Bryce struts in with a surprising look on his face. His eyes gaze around the apartment, as there were confetti and decorations which are in the right amount. Both Keiki and Casey bolt upright from the couch as they were engulfed into one of Bryce's hugs.
After a while of hugging, both of them shouted.
‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYCE!’
Bryce’s smile was as wide as the moment where she saw him doing what he loves, the smile that came from spending time with his friends and the smile that makes her heart skip a beat as he is always the one who made her smile. Both Keiki and Casey look at each other in satisfaction, as they did it. It was a difficult task but they pulled through together, and it feels amazing.
The small celebration between the three of them went well, as there were thoughts that had crossed his mind. There were somehow like a family, and… honestly, he felt excited about what the future might hold for the three of them.
As Casey lit up the candles on all of the cakes that they bought, he paused thinking of a wish that he wanted for this year. His eyes fall on both of them, Casey Valentine; the person who has been there for him from the very beginning and the person who is still here despite his past, and his estranged sister; Keiki Lahela, who came on his door. The person who was once considered his best friend years ago, as they grew apart. The fear of his parents barging on his front door was visible, as he has a hunch on them coming to bring Keiki back home. But, right now; it was his moment. The moment that he never had as a child, happiness despite being surrounded by an enormous amount of luxury
He blew out all the candles, as he silently makes a wish which earning a double pair of eyebrows raised at him. Bryce lets out a laugh as he proceeds on cutting the cake. The three of them sat on the floor as they enjoyed the refreshments that were set by both Keiki and Casey which consists of a lot of finger food and a huge amount of party snacks that were already made, as the lack of cooking skills by Casey.
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The day is starting to get darker as Bryce and Keiki are cleaning up the mess as Casey is tidying at the front. They were settling on the dishes, as Keiki paused.
Bryce noticed the sudden movement as he stops working on whatever’s left in the sink.
‘I know that look Keiki, it’s the look when you didn’t get to play your toys years ago.’ Bryce teased her, as she punches his arm lightly, a laugh escapes her lips.
‘Years ago, I hated you for what you did. I hated you for leaving home, and I hated you for leaving….me behind.’
Bryce didn’t say anything, as he understood how she felt. When he left for college before, he promised to come back for her. He didn’t keep his promised, and Keiki is justified to feel that way.
‘Being in school, I realized. Understood, how you felt. I understand why you and dad would always quarrel, the way you hated there. And, honestly… I am so sorry for lashing out for you not being here for me.’ Keiki lets out a sigh as Bryce place his arms on her shoulder.
‘You don’t have to be sorry kiddo, I left you there. Sometimes, I wished our lives were much better than what we have been through.’ Bryce reveals as he felt himself reminiscing old times, the happier times.
‘…I think a happier life might lead us on a different path Bryce.’ She raised her eyebrows knowingly gesturing towards Casey with a smirk on her face who is helping them tidying up the leftovers. Bryce smiles at the sight of her.
‘Yeah, maybe. But, one thing I regret the most is, not being able to beat up the kid who pushed you years ago. Nobody messes with my sister.’ Bryce stated with a rage in his eyes, as Keiki shook her head.
‘You’re funny when you are scary, you know that?’
‘It’s one of my specialties, actually.’ Bryce replies with a hint of cockiness in his voice.
Their conversation was cut short, as Casey calls them out for the gift giving session that they planned for Bryce. Both of the Lahela siblings happily walked back to the living room, as the smiles on their faces stays that way for the rest of the day.
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After the celebration ended, Bryce and Keiki stood together at the window overlooking the crowded city of Boston where it has become their new home.
She was lost in thought as her eyes stared at the cityscapes beyond her, it wasn't Hawaii anymore. But, the fear of her past creeping up to her was somehow still visible.
Bryce stood there, trying to catch up with past events. Everything was new as somethings were meant to be fixed once more. He pulled her into a brotherly hug, as Keiki tries her best to get out of his grasp. It wasn't a common form of affection for them, but its something new.
The revelation as the past came colliding once more bringing them together after years and years of being apart.
'I am glad to have you here  kid.'
'I am glad to be here aswell.' She smiles as Bryce ruffles her hair a special gesture for the Lahela siblings that made her laugh.
They don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow or the next month, but hey. They wouldn’t sweat it much since life has a funny way of making it work and both Bryce and Keiki have lots of moments to look forward to and they wouldn’t have it any other way.
THE END
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philomathhh9 · 3 years
Text
A Stroll Down Memory Lane
Philomath, I just took a stroll down memory lane. A very cliché thing to say, I know. It was a long stroll though; the sun set and dawned upon my path countless of times and I kept walking. Swept away in a journey of nostalgia and emotions of comfort, I soon was struck by a wave of anger and resentment.
  All began when I chose to check my phone as I dressed to leave home to study for a big upcoming exam. A friend and colleague of mine had messaged me his location in Riyadh; his family recently moved there. We went back and forth and chatted about how our homes where a mere ten minute walk apart and that we could meet up once we visited our families in winter. It then hit me. “Home” was no longer that small cozy place in Saudi Arabia; the little apartment that I spent seventeen years of my life in. The place I had just called Home in front of my friend was nothing but a figment of my past - a dream I dreamt for just a little over a decade and a half. Home in the present is this place in Amman in which I currently take residence in with my sister, my lovely cat Leta, and my sweet departed cat-angel Valenta, who has been buried in our garden since May when illness rode her fate.
  I am content with the present day. I really am. However, calling my parents’ place in Saudi Home swung me back to the moments, days, months, and years of my being that I spent in innocence. I ran the Maps application and I checked every part of what used to be my life. I saw the school I spent the whole of my childhood in. I saw the park and the malls I used to go to on weekends with my mother. I saw the restaurant that my father enjoyed dining in on Fridays and I even saw the school I spent my high school years in. I then paused. Memories of my high school senior year washed up from an ocean I thought I had left behind. I spent it the way I spent the entirety of my days till then: dreaming, reading, and exploring the wonders of what life is. Curious is what I was. Not the kind of curious that is forced and involves taking a risk and leave familiar surroundings because they feel threatening and unsafe, but the type of curious that sticks to you in innocence while thriving in your provided environment- you just wonder if the outside is just as splendid.
  I wanted to become a lawyer at some point in high school and that brought me to read my personal statement that I had sent to universities in the UK for an undergraduate law degree. In front of me was a live example of what I used to be: a dreamer. Today, I believe that ignorance and innocence are synonymous from a certain perspective, despite being two very different words. The saying “Ignorance is bliss” is popular because of that very reason. Not knowing and staying in my naivete brought me happiness. Soon, the clock started to tick and the time came where being curious was not a thought to think of, but a thought to I had to execute. I had to figure out what was to become of me. My dreams of becoming a lawyer leaped away as the reality of its demanding financing settled. This marks strike one against young Philomath.
  Now, I am in the path of becoming a doctor; something I had chosen and kept as a back up plan in case the launch of my time with law failed. I know I did not choose it for the prestige of it. The human body and the world within infatuated me just as much. To reiterate, I am content with who I am and what I am doing today. It just so happened that the start of my new life as a meds student yanked my innocence away from me as I cried for and held on to it for dear life. My parents’ conditioning brought me to block away all my triggers and flaws by daydreaming and spending my time with thoughts of idealism. Now that my little daydreaming session of seventeen years had been brought to a screeching halt, I was shocked with what I found down here. As I recalled this and what followed today, I felt nothing but a strange mix of anger, resentment, disembodiment, and disbelief of what I had been and put others through. My surroundings in my first year of medicine were not only less than ideal, but straight up parasitic and gnawed at my little body day by day. The gnawing manifested physically; I lost a good fifth to fourth of my weight as depression and maladjustment took over me. Now that my bubble of idealism was popped, I was subjected to the thorns I harbored all along and had no idea what to do with them other than project them on others, both good and horrible people alike. That marked strike two for young philomath.
  Personal boundaries were alien things to me. Unfortunately, that me twinkle in the eyes of whom I know now to be a narcissistic sociopath. During the timeline in which him and I met, I was already dealing with confusion, maladjustment, and a dear friend that faced demons only I knew of. Today her and I do not really keep in touch anymore despite being mostly amicable. As far as I know, she is thriving and walking up her own path and struggle day by day and I am happy for her. Though, resentment still plagues the back of my head as she fell victim to projection of my own flaws and I sadly fell into hers. It was a lot of up, downs, lefts, and rights with her and at that time we brought horrible things out in each other. Apart from my doings, she had a phobia of abandonment and would do anything and everything to reassure herself and of course, due to my lack of boundaries, I enabled her. She was and is not a person of bad morale, but the anything and everything included a lot of jabs and stabs that mark where some scars in my soul still are today. That was strike three for you, young philomath.
  Back to the twinkly yet empty eyes of the narcissist that ended up becoming my wicked boyfriend. Like a vulture, he spent his first few weeks and months with me circling me and analyzing just how vulnerable I was and how much I had on my plate. Again, I had no boundaries; that meant that whatever he wanted, he would draw out of me. And inspite of that, nothing was ever enough for him. Everyone dear in my life at that time, I gone to the extremes for. That is: everyone but my own self. So I kept enabling him to use me, control me, and display me as an accessory. Did I project my flaws on him too? Yes. The truth is I never was, am, and will never be perfect. The difference though, was that I eventually recognized where I fell wrong with my people and took it upon myself to halt it and improve myself. Him on the other hand, emotionally abused the soul out of me until it no longer yearned to be in my body and to this very day, he victimizes himself as the ex of a horrible liar slut that harassed him for affection and ended up cheating on him. Again, horrible move on my part for both parties involved, but I will never ever dismiss the things he would do to me. He would use my insecurities as leverage and hold my emotional needs hostage until I popped and fell into an irrational reactive state. And of course, he contorted it all to make me out as the guilty. The crazy bitch. Yes of course, the crazy bitch that gave him everything she could give to him. The same crazy bitch that he gaslit, put down, and rejected when she needed him the most. What people do not know today is that when I horribly sought other than his affection as I fell into another reactive state due to constant episodic emotional rejection, I already was contemplating leaving him. The cycles of abuse became unbearable, and although I do not excuse myself for it, they finally pushed me to do something that was awfully wrong on my ex’s and the involved person’s behalf. And I cheated. The cherry on top of the icing? I do not recall the timeline it happened and suppressed it due to personal trauma. I lived my life knowing and believing that everything that happened between me and said person was at a time where him and I were not an item. Until it was brought to light by the third party that I did what I did around two weeks before I left him, the time I knew as the moments I was building myself up the courage to leave him. And that was strike four.
  Strike four marked the most ultimate of an ultimatum for me; it was either saving myself or continue down the path of self obliteration. Those two weeks before I left him were a turning point; for once I felt like I had to choose myself and my sanity before anyone else’s. I took back control of my life by ending it with him. Although initially it was amicable as we shared a group of friends, I ended up backing away more and more until I cut him off completely because he kept trying to get his sticky fingers on me and snatch me back onto his rollercoaster. Things with my friend were still going though, and with all that I already had endured she again did anything and everything to feel like I was not going to abandon her. I felt and feel for her, I really do. Just like emotional rejection and abuse pushed me to do a big mistake, her fears pushed her too. But reasons and context do not mean excuses. If I held myself accountable for everything I projected on her and him and everyone else in my life at that time, it would mean I had to hold her accountable too. And so, the journey of learning how to set boundaries and bettering myself began. She rejected it the whole time. To her, boundaries meant abandonment, and the more I set them, the more she’d do anything and everything to reassure herself I would not desert her. Until she did one last move, after which I could not bring myself to tolerate anything. At a weak point of hers, she spoke with my same ex that I had cut off to console her about my issues with me. She knew what kind of a person he is. In her vulnerable moments, he saw an opportunity to “avenge” the narcissistic injury I caused him by taking back my own control and pulled and withdrew information from her that he ended up using against me. With one big mistake, he contorted, molded, and spiced things until they tasted just right. To him, this was his big moment that he was waiting for: to end the bitch that dared dump him before he finished dumping her. One year after breaking up with him and not speaking with him at all, he used my friend’s poor judgement and vulnerability to attempt sabotaging me and my reputation. He circled me with other people and bullied me for my pronounced sexuality and supposed “manipulation and lies” and tried to convince other people to jump on an anti-me bandwagon. He even went as far as claiming that his reputation, which he ruined with his own hands, was in fact tarnished by me and the said fact that I was “psychotic” and never shut up about him and talked horrible of him to everyone I knew. All I did was confide in my so-called friends about the abuse I endured; ironically, no one turned against him the way he claimed and everyone that actually had a problem with him had nothing to do with the people I confided in. In this circle of nonsense that brought me severe trauma, barely anyone took him seriously. Reasonably so, picture viewing a couple split and move along with their own lives until one decides to dish and chase the other with some old dirt between them to convince people that the other was ruining their precious reputation. No sensible person would interfere with someone else’s problems with another. I ended up standing up for myself and further asserted my boundaries away from him by refuting responsibility for his broken reputation and stated that in fact it was his problem. I also mentioned that the circus of a show was unnecessary and that if he approached me like normal people do I would have been reacting very differently and took responsibility for my “dirt”. I ended things between him and I by pointing out the fact that it was pathetic to harass someone a year after they broke up him and it did nothing but prove his goal of claiming me as the “obsessed liar” the actual opposite. In the end, I was not the one to harass the other long after no contact with an old screw up.
  I then retained my most powerful tool: boundaries. Although I understood why my friend spoke with him, I could not help but hold her accountable that her irresponsibility with that move caused him to set off on a rampage. So I kept withdrawing from her and she could not bear it. Until one day she comes and “warns” me to “be careful of what I tell my friends because they are not the people I think they are”. The very friend that I had trusted with my life and a lot of information and mistakes on my behalf. The same friend that allowed him to grab those out of her in her vulnerable moments. I am more than sorry for everything I caused her, but this is something I would never forget. I remember trembling with anger and blocking her so that I would not blow up on her and cause her trouble and cost her a spiral. I got so angry that I became sick the next day. And ever since then, I had enough of my relationship with her. It was clear to me that we had both done too much to each other to recover from as normal friends. It had to end. After a few months of occasional angry SMS’s from her, I made it clear why I left and what I felt and that she would have to stop sending me message. She ended up acknowledging my hurt and apologized for everything she had done on her part. Everything. I remember crying with exasperation as I read her message admitting to everything; as for a good while of my life, I felt like I was the only one paying for my mistakes and trying to remedy them. The fact that someone else finally took responsibility for the damage done to me was something new and something alien. All that because I learned to set boundaries.
  I brought myself out of my stroll down memory lane. Now, I am filled with nothing but pride that I not only overcame my own demons and learned the concept of boundaries, pride that I chose to use my mistakes as a learning point and not a point of shame. I now have more power and independence than ever; although, I still have a lot to work on. My ordeal has caused me to be very reluctant with expecting anyone to assist me with any hardship and become guarded. On a note, I do not expect my ex’s last appearance to be final; that is unless he becomes knowledgeable enough to realize one more move towards me would show everyone watching his true color and that his most prized possession, his ego, would be in danger. I do hope he left things as they are and just gave up; as I am not a hostile person that enjoys attacking- even in self defense. But it became clear that staying out of his path does not stop him from staying out of mine. I feel always ready and on edge to play his exact game and use leverage against him so that he would never come near me again.
  As I now conclude writing to go study, I feel nothing but content with who I surround myself now and the person I have become. Thank you, Philomath again for living up to your name and allowing your love for learning get me out of a path of self destruction.
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alleiradayne · 4 years
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There’s Something Strange A Reader/Sam Winchester Series
When Y/N Y/L/N escapes to the upper Midwest for a weekend of inspiration to begin her tenth paranormal thriller novel, she never imagined the source of that inspiration to be her own life. Between the old mansion, two peculiar men posing as antiquers, and the mysterious death of the heiress of Hill Manor one-hundred and fifty years ago, Y/N learns the truth about far more than the paranormal.
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Part V - The Haunting
Summary: With a poltergeist on the loose, Sam, Dean, and Y/N work together to investigate. Warnings/Tags: More hunting, more fluff, some mature discussion of sexual preferences Square filled: Author AU Characters/Pairings: Reader/Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Word Count: 2,449 A/N: For @spnfluffbingo2019, this entire series fills the Author AU square. Super giant huge thank you to @atc74 who beta’d this giant thing for me.
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Watery eyes spilled over as she squeezed them against the pain that throbbed in her skull and dragged Y/N up from the nothingness in which she drifted. One eye cracked open and found pale moonlight glowed in angular lines across her bed where she lay on hear back. She could hardly remember how she had gotten there, or much of anything from the last two days. The hours blurred together the harder she thought, and the stress served little but to exacerbate her aching head.
And then she saw him. That familiar face, no longer bathed in eerie green light, hovered beside her, a nervous grind in his jaw twitching as he stared at his shoes.
When she sat up on her elbows, Sam startled and leaped from the bed. “Hey, you’re awake! Are you okay? How do you feel?”
He knelt beside her, one hand grasping hers and the other cupping her cheek. He pressed her fingers to his lips where he placed kisses on each one until she spoke.
“I’m okay,” she managed. The softness of his lips washed away her worry, and the endless empathy in his eyes soothed her pain. “What happened?”
“You were attacked,” he started, then paused as a look of consternation pinched his face. “How much do you remember from earlier today?”
Attacked? She swallowed a thick gulp, her tongue sticking to her mouth and throat dry. “I… got to the mansion,” she choked. Sam handed her a glass of water on the bedside table, and from it she drew a long swallow. “I had dinner with the guests. You… walked me back to my room.” Y/N hesitated, a familiar sting prickling her cheeks.
He smiled a shy grin as he glanced to the bed. “What else?” he asked as he returned to her, his hand atop her hand and gently stroking her hair. “What else do you remember?”
A flood of memories returned all at once, replaying rapidly. “Spirits. You hunt spirits. You told me. In the library,” Y/N stated.
“Okay, that’s good,” Sam said as he breathed in deep. “Earlier tonight, after we left your room, we found you in the library. A uh… poltergeist had you about dead to rights.”
The tears came then, unbidden and uncontrollable. Fucking hell, a poltergeist.
“Y/N, it’s okay, you’re fine,” Sam soothed.
She wiped the tears from her eyes as her anger subsided. “Did you save me?”
Sam shook his head. “No. We’re not sure what happened,” he explained. “We got to the back of the library just in time to see the poltergeist take off.”
At least she still had some sense of dignity left. The last thing she needed was to be the idiot damsel in her own fucked up haunting. But, dammit, why? Why had she rushed off to the library like some god damn hero ready to take on the world the second she had learned she truly knew half a thing about the paranormal? Her impulsive streak had gotten the better of her again, and once she got a hold of a couple clues, she thought she could solve the puzzle on her own. And with her writer’s block taken care of by that pen…
The pen.
She sat up in a rush and Sam squawked his protests as he grasped her shoulders. “Y/N, it’s okay, I’m here,” he said as he attempted to calm her, but Y/N had a mission. “What’s… what are you doing?”
Her pockets came up empty, but her bag sat on the writing table at the foot of her bed. “Where’s the pen?” she asked as she scrambled from Sam’s hands.
Sam let her go as another scoff of indignation burst from his lips. “What pen?”
“The pen!” she pointed at the writing desk. “The one Dean found earlier,” she continued as she dove into her bag and scraped the bottom. “Where is it?!”
The helpless look on Sam’s face broke her heart. “I… didn’t see it. You had it?”
“Yes!” Y/N shouted as she upended her bag. From its depths the pen fell, along with her hand-torch, and clattered to the floor. “Oh, thank god.”
“What does the pen—”
“This,” she interrupted as she brandished the pen, “has been holding Y/N Hillstead’s spirit for one-hundred fifty years.”
Sam withdrew his purple cloth from his back pocket and took the pen from her. “That explains… so much.”
Y/N slumped back onto the bed. “Yeah, and I let her out.”
“But now we know what happened,” Sam said in a rush of air. He knelt before her, edging his way between her knees. “How did you do it? What opened the trap?”
God, but he was so close. How did he expect her to focus with his ridiculously pretty face inches away from hers? “It—it’s an old fountain pen, right?” She paused as she waited for Sam to put it together but when he raised a curious brow at her, she continued. “It needs ink. It was bone dry when Dean tried it.”
He looked at the pen again, then back to her. “That’s fucking brilliant,” he breathed. “God, I don’t think I’d have thought of that, Y/N, that’s—”
Impulsive streak be damned, Y/N wanted him all to herself. Her lips landed on his, and her hands found his hair, delving deep to grasp at the back of his head as she kissed him. Sam responded without hesitation, his arms wrapping around her and holding her tightly to his chest. Constricted so, she could hardly move, but what a glorious sensation. To be so profoundly consumed by another, in body and mind, she thanked whatever gods existed for such luck. And how lucky she was to find that sort of connection in Sam, brilliant and kind and sweet and hotter than the surface of the sun.
The smooth taste of alcohol on his tongue—a particular hoppy beer—filled her mouth as he teased her lips apart. Not that he had to try very hard. She opened up to him like a summer flower on a bright morning, mouth and legs and arms all wide for him to press into with his enormous shoulders and narrow hips and—
Oh.
Pressed firmly to her core, Sam’s hips rolled, grinding his erection along her sex. Though Y/N moaned, their lips never parted, long kisses and eager tongues devouring one another as Sam laid her on the bed and settled atop her.
Against his lips, she sighed his name, repeated pleas for more of him, his hands, his lips, his everything. And Sam acquiesced with equal fervor, eager as she.
The door to her room exploded as Dean damn near tore it off the hinges and burst through it. “Sam, we’ve got—oh, son of a bitch!”
Sam froze as his head whipped to the door, hair askew and mouth agape. Dean shielded his eyes as he stuttered his apologies and pulled the door halfway closed. When Y/N prodded Sam in the chest, he scrambled off her and sat on the end of the bed. She righted her shirt as Dean peeked through the door and laughed when he spotted Sam.
“Sam,” Y/N whispered as she pointed to her hair then his, “your… it’s…”
He ran his fingers through the long brown locks and brushed them straight, tucked behind his ears. The crimson blush on his cheeks depended to his neck, and Y/N couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. Her own frustrated arousal ached between her thighs, and Sam's palpable want compounded the problem. Twice, they had found themselves alone, and twice, Dean had interrupted them.
Sam interrupted her thoughts when he stood and approached Dean. “What happened?”
Dean's face contorted as he asked, “You didn't hear that scream?”
Scream? “No,” Y/N stated as Sam regarded her and shook his head. “We didn't hear anything.”
Dean’s expressions cycled through emotions faster than a rollercoaster. “Damn.” He scratched the back of his head, then said, “Well, about fifteen minutes ago there was a scream loud enough to wake the dead. I went to the kitchen to figure out what happened. When you two didn’t show up, I came here.”
She hadn’t heard a thing but Sam’s breath and insistent moans. Christ, was that how bad she had it for him? Y/N shook her head to clear her thoughts and asked, “What happened?”
Dean motioned them into the hallways as he talked over his shoulder. “I think the poltergeist has attacked two people, possibly killed one,” he said. “We need to get these people out of here.”
Easier said than done. But Y/N followed Dean nonetheless, and Sam fell in step behind her. When Dean turned over his shoulder once more, he lowered his voice.
“So,” he started, “you and Sammy, huh?”
“I… uh,” she stuttered as she looked over her shoulder to find Sam's flat glare.
“Please, don't, dude,” he groaned. “Focus on the case.”
“Oh, I am focused on the case. It's you who isn't,” Dean retorted, but then turned his knowing smirk to Y/N. “Although, I can't blame you. I enjoy a naughty librarian every once in a while, too.”
Y/N cocked an eyebrow at him. “First off, I’m an author, and second, Dean, you wouldn’t last five minutes in a bed with me.”
“Yeah, but you don’t know what I can do in five minutes,” he said with a wink.
Y/N had another retort readied, poised on the tip of her tongue when Sam set a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Please, let him get the last word in. I’m mortified enough as it is.”
Down the grand staircase, Y/N slowed to allow some distance between Dean and the two of them. “Does dirty talk bother you, Sam?”
A vehement shake of his head loosened his hair from behind his ears. “Quite the opposite,” he muttered as he glanced to his feet.
Before her eyes made it that far, Y/N saw the stiff ridge of his erection straining against his pants. “Can I promise to take care of you later? How long has it been?”
He urged Y/N to keep up with Dean as he breathed his reply. “Months. I… relieve myself every other day, but it’s not enough. Nothing I’ve got back at the Bunker compares to a real person.”
Bunker? She logged that question away on her growing list in the back of her mind and instead asked, “Person?”
Sam turned a shade of crimson she wasn’t sure existed before then. “My partners aren’t exclusively women,” he stated.
“Are some of them men?”
He nodded.
“Are some of them silicone and shaped like a flashlight?”
He nodded again.
“Are some of them silicone and phallus shaped?”
He nodded a third time as they stopped outside the kitchen.
When she opened her mouth to ask another question, Dean interrupted her. “Alright, I officially know too much,” he paused. “The body is here, behind the island. No sign of a struggle. Groundskeeper found her on the floor after he heard her scream.”
“You get a read on him?” Sam asked as he strode past them both.
“Nope,” Dean stated as he followed. Y/N brought up the rear as she listened. “He looked like he went ten rounds with Mohammed Ali.” He paused, then added, “If Mohammad Ali had claws.”
In the kitchen, Sam stood at the feet of the body, then knelt as he shuffled to her shoulders. “There’s something here. In her ears.”
“Ectoplasm?”
If the night had not been weird enough by then, the look Sam and Dean both shot Y/N had officially shoved it violently into something out of the Twilight Zone. She might as well have sprouted a second head and spoken to it. “What?”
Sam grabbed a cloth from the counter and wiped the cook's ear. He stepped over the body and handed the rag to Dean. “Ectoplasm.”
“How do you know all this stuff?” Sam asked.
She grabbed the rag from Dean and examined it. “I thought it would be green. Not black.”
“Okay, look, this isn’t that kind of poltergeist,” Dean started, “and this isn’t the Gho—”
A bone chilling scream rent the air and interrupted Dean. Y/N dropped the rag and bolted for the door, Sam and Dean hot on her heels. In the entry, the scream repeated, and she took the stairs two at a time as she headed for the western wing of the mansion.
In the furthest hallway, lights flickered and an icy chill slammed deep into her chest, sucking the air from her lungs. But she pressed on, charging headlong to the furthest room at the darkest end of the hallway to come upon the traveling woman and the distorted ghost of Y/N Hillstead, hideously transformed into a terrifying poltergeist. She had both of her hands wrapped around the poor woman’s throat and held three feet in the air, her legs kicking furiously as she struggled.
Sam and Dean skidded to a halt in front of her, arms spread to protect. But Y/N had a plan and she wasn’t about to abandon it to chivalry. She shoved past them as she brandished the pen and shouted, “Hey, Hillstead!”
Sam wrapped an arm around her waist and tried to pull her back, but he was too late. The poltergeist turned as she dropped the woman and rushed Y/N, but she had come prepared. The small hand-torch ignited with a sharp click, hissing bright blue flame to an orange point a scant inch shy of the pen. “I'll fucking do it! Leave! Last chance, asshole!”
The same scream they had heard earlier sounded again, emanating from Y/N Hillstead's unhinged mouth. In a swirl of dust and dirt, she vanished into thin air, taking with her the unearthly chill. The lamps flared to life as Sam rushed into the room and attended to the woman who stirred on the floor, thankfully alive.
“Do I want to even ask how you knew that would work?” Dean gasped.
Shit. Y/N shrugged for time as she came up with something. “I ah… I had a hunch.”
“Hunches are good,” Dean agreed as he clasped her shoulder and turned her to face him with flush cheeks. “But for the love of…” he paused, consternation contorting his face. “For the love of Cas, lie to Sam when he asks you the same question. Make something up, I don't care what, but do not tell him you ran in with a half-cocked plan. I do that enough for three people…”
He parted from her and headed back down the hallway as she called after him. “Where are you going?”
“To find a proton pack and a ghost trap!”
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THERE’S SOMETHING STRANGE MASTER LIST
ALLEIRADAYNE’S SPN FLUFF BINGO MASTERLIST
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The Whole Thang:
@atc74  @hannahindie @bevans87  @meganwinchester1999  @plaided-ani-on-hiatus  @oneshoeshort @jonogueira @andkatiethings @elfinmox @wonderfulworldofwinchester @princessofthefandomrealm  @just-another-busyfangirl @jmekitchens @81mysteriouslyme @dolphincliffs  @seenashwrite  @canadianspnhunter  @meowmeow-motherfucker @depressed-moose-78 @staycejo1 @hobby27  @pretty-fortune @mypopculturediva @fanfictionjunkie1112 @sandlee44 @4llmywr1tings @claitynroberts @maddiepants @scarletluvscas @donnaintx @blackeyedangel9805 @rainflowermoon @winchesterprincessbride  @lazinessisalliknow @the-is13 @waywardafgrandma @keymology @sister-winchesters99
Sam’s Sasstresses:
@morganas-pendragons @karouwinchester
There’s Something Strange:
@peridottea91 @amanda-teaches
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mommy-and-leader · 4 years
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How Henrietta Lacks’ Story Taught Me How to be a More Compassionate Leader in Healthcare
The story of Henrietta Lacks is both a story of miracles and of tragedy. The history of the HeLa cell is truly the stuff of scientific miracles. However, the story of Henrietta Lacks, the patient who unwittingly donated the cells, and whose family has suffered as a result, is heartbreaking. In reading Rebecca Skloot’s best-selling book, I admit that I read the story through the eyes of a leader in healthcare. I was ready to defend my field and my peers in the field. However, as I read both the personal story of Henrietta Lacks and the Lacks family, as well as the story of the HeLa cell, I was astonished at the amount of betrayal I felt as a warrior of science. Many criticize Skloot’s book as reminiscent of a novel, and problematic in the way that she reports it like she sees it- from sexually transmitted diseases, child abuse, abusive marriage, child molestation- Rebecca leaves no stone unturned in her ten-year mission to learn about Henrietta Lacks and her contribution to science.
Christoph Lengauer, the first scientist that was willing to speak with the Lacks children, said it best by stating, “Whenever we read books about science, it’s always HeLa this and HeLa that. Some people know those are the initials of a person, but they don’t know who that person is. That’s important history” (Skloot, 2011, p. 266). Rebecca Skloot’s book was successful in uniting the person, Henrietta, with the cells. The cells were not the only important discovery in science. The story of the person was important for healthcare and could teach us a lesson about being a compassionate caregiver in healthcare.
Critics state there are problematic elements in Skloot’s portrayal
In a poetic analysis of the book, Lantos (2016) reinforces the idea that Skloot’s book further exploits the Lacks family in its overshare of private details of their lives, namely Deborah’s abusive marriage and divorce, the imprisonment of her children and details of the crimes, and even the amount of Deborah’s social security check. Daniel Podgorski, a literature reviewer for the Gemsbok, comments on Skloot’s exploitative position relative to the Lacks family, stating that she, however, tells an important and even story (Podgorski, 2016). Podgorski (2016) states:
Skloot adopts a neutral tone throughout her book and presents the facts of the cases and lives involved evenly, and, in doing so apolitically, manages to expose the inextricable story of racial segregation operating above and with scientific progress in the twentieth century without sacrificing journalistic integrity…she presents all people in her book as part of this one grand narrative of humanity, each a character as in a novel, susceptible to moral and critical judgments by the reader, and a human being, and so representative of a faction of reality (Podgorski, 2016).
While most of the Lacks family disagrees, two Lacks men have come forward regarding their feelings of contempt toward Rebecca Skloot, and HBO, who produced the film portrayal of Skloot’s book. Bustle reports that Lawrence and Ron Lacks (Henrietta’s son and grandson) feel exploited by Rebecca in the same way that they felt exploited by Johns Hopkins. “Skloot portrayed the Lacks family as falsely uneducated and poor. ‘She made us stereotypes…people think we’re dirt poor’” (Truffaut-Wong, 2017). Lawrence Lacks even goes on to tell the Bustle reporter, “It’s bad enough Johns Hopkins took advantage of us. Now Oprah, Rebecca, and HBO are doing the same thing. They’re no better than the people they say they hate” (Truffaut-Wong, 2017). However, the article goes on to give a comment by HBO, stating that the film had overwhelming support from many Lacks family members.
In my reading of the book, I found a number of details cringe-worthy in their honest horror, and I admit that they horrified me as a woman and as a mother. First, there was Day’s character as a young husband and father. Early on in the book, in Chapter 1, Day is painted as an adulterer (Skloot, 2011, p 13) and later on, it is explained that the sexually transmitted diseases he passes on to his wife, Henrietta, are the reason why her cervical cancer is so aggressive. Later, in Chapter 15, Deborah’s physical and sexual abuse by her uncle, Galen, is another one of those details that breaks your heart and keeps you up at night. You wonder if you can do without hearing these atrocities suffered by this family. Then you keep reading on and get to the part where Day, her father, did not protect her from this incestuous monster (Skloot, 2011, p. 113) and you want to both kill Day again and embrace Deborah in all her suffering. This rollercoaster of emotion keeps you reading voraciously and really humanizes this family.
While I do agree that these details are of a very private nature, they served their intended purpose in conveying the message that Henrietta was a real person. She is not just a cell. She is a real woman who had a real family- who are still alive today- and still suffering from the aftermath of the notoriety of the HeLa cells, which were taken without Henrietta or her family’s consent, and have changed the face of medicine (and made millions since their theft). What makes a person or a family more human than the reality of their flaws?
How the story helped me in my role as a leader in healthcare
This story is not only an exposé of all of the skeletons in the Lacks family closet, but it was a discussion on racial disparity and medical mistrust in the African American community, and of informed consent, or the lack thereof, for Henrietta and the Lacks family. It was the story of any and all of the above. As an African American woman visiting a public ward in the 1950s, Henrietta had no choice when it came to research, as was the same with all the black patients at Johns’ Hopkins’ public colored ward (Skloot, 2011, p. 29). This was the era of racism, segregation, and Jim Crow laws. Black patients had no choice but to trust the word of their doctors, and not many words came from these doctors. They weren’t informed of many details of the treatment for Henrietta’s cervical cancer, nor were they informed of the cells they took from her in research, nor were they informed of the fruit of those cells- a medical revolution.
These cells crossed the world. In 1952, they were the first living cells shipped via postal mail. They helped develop the polio vaccine, the cervical cancer vaccine, and many drugs. They were the first cells ever cloned and were also the first cells ever hybridized with the cells of an animal- a human-mouse hybrid. The discoveries were endless and are still being made. The fruit of the research of the HeLa cell was ample, and the financial gain was enormous. However, this was all unbeknownst to the Lacks family. In fact, they were unaware of the existence of these cells until 1973- more than 20 years later! It wasn’t until 1975 that the Lacks family knew of the immense contribution to science and the commercialization of the cells after a reporter for Rolling Stone interviewed them and published a story about Henrietta Lacks. Their mother’s cells now had a name, and a family, and her medical history was out for the world to read about.
This is what pulled on my heartstrings. As a medical professional, I am a bleeding heart. I regularly encounter some of the most vulnerable sick people who just need someone to take care of them and often to advocate for them. Here was this woman- a poor and educated minority who just wanted to trust her caregivers- who died at the age of 31. She left behind a family of many small children, one of whom was disabled. That family defined struggle. They were uneducated, poor, and struggled into adulthood. Henrietta needed a caregiver, an advocate. Her children needed this, too. When they learned of their mother’s cells and notoriety, they felt deceived and rightfully so. Here they were struggling from health issues of their own and could barely get medical insurance- yet their mother’s cells created much of what we think of when we think of modern-day healthcare. Where were the Lacks’ caregivers? Why did no one in the medical field feel that they needed to be taken care of, in their vulnerability?
 With this lesson of bioethics and medical mistrust: How do we prevent this from happening again?
Though Henrietta’s contribution to science was immense, it was done without her consent or the consent of her family. When Henrietta was identified and her family was made aware of the enormity of this situation, the Lacks family was still kept in the dark. The scientific and medical community continued to take advantage of the Lacks’ by deceiving them into giving blood to further their research into Henrietta’s genome and disguised this as “cancer testing” (Skloot, 2001, pp. 183-189). There were so many opportunities for the medical community to make this right, but no one stepped up to bat.
So how do we make sure that this never happens again? First, we need to remember why we went into this field- to help others, to save lives. Some of those that I have worked with in healthcare are caregivers in every sense of the word- they are bleeding hearts and some of the most moral and ethical people that I have ever met. Physicians down to nurse’s aides, almost everyone I have worked with have come into this field to make this world a better place by helping those that we can. As a leader in the field, this is an important trait that I look for in all members and prospective members of my team. In order to prevent this from ever happening again, we must convey a culture of ethics and compassion. By selecting and hiring ethical employees and fostering ethical decisions by acting ethically and helping your employees act ethically, you instill a compassionate and compliant environment (“How Managers”, nd). Talking through decision-making and being seen as a moral authority are important to convey an ethical and compliant culture in your organization.
As a caregiver in healthcare, it is always important to put yourself into the patient’s shoes. What if this were you? What if this were your mother? Always treat the patient as you would like for your family to be treated- or like you would like to be treated, yourself. Always be an advocate- just because you understand doesn’t mean they do. Informed consent was a big deal in this book, and it is a big part of the mistake that we do not want to be duplicated. It is important to talk through every diagnosis, every treatment, every procedure, until they understand. It is good practice to make sure that they can reiterate and explain it back to you. Informed consent is not only a form to be signed- it is peace of mind for both the caregiver and the patient.
Conclusion
In The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot goes into detail regarding Henrietta and her family’s life in order to tell a story apart from the story that was currently understood as conveyed by science- the story of the HeLa cell. By separating the story of the HeLa cell from the story of the Lacks family, Skloot effectively conveys the ramifications of the HeLa cells’ scientific contributions and commercialization on the Lacks family. Rebecca Skloot’s portrayal of Henrietta Lacks and her family may have been intense, but that intensity was key in conveying the central idea of the abhorrent treatment of the Lacks family by the medical and scientific community. This book was meant as a lesson, and I hope that the whole field hears it loud and clear.
    References
How Managers Can Encourage Ethical Behavior. (nd). Lumen Learning: Principles of Management. Retrieved March 8, 2020 from: https://courses.lumenlearning.com/wm-principlesofmanagement/chapter/how-managers-can-encourage-ethical-behavior/
Lantos, J. D. (2016). Thirteen Ways of Looking at Henrietta Lacks. Perspectives in Biology and Medicine, 59(2), 228-233. Retrieved from https://search-proquest-com.contentproxy.phoenix.edu/docview/1876059666?accountid=35812
Podgorski, D. (2016). Creative Journalism: American Race Politics, Perspective, and Shifting Culture in The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. The Gemsbok. Retrieved from: https://thegemsbok.com/art-reviews-and-articles/tuesday-tome-immortal-life-henrietta-lacks-rebecca-skloot/
Skloot, R (2011.) The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. New York, NY: Broadway Books
Truffaut-Wong, O. (2017). What Does the Lacks Family Think Of 'The Immortal Life Of Henrietta Lacks'? The Movie Portrays Their Heartbreaking Story. Bustle. Retrieved from: https://www.bustle.com/p/what-does-the-lacks-family-think-of-the-immortal-life-of-henrietta-lacks-the-movie-portrays-their-heartbreaking-story-51712
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alchemist-shizun · 5 years
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As expected, Dealing with intrusive thoughts is now one of my favorites
Here I come with almost all of my reactions on the episode, even though I tagged the spoiler warnings I put everything under the cut just in case. Enjoy the emotional rollercoaster while I'll probably go and rewatch it again.
Okay kinda expected one or two of the warnings but all of them together what is gonna happen???? (Though they make sense after reading the title)
HELLO FRESH BACK AGAIN
"I'm awesome and I can do this" there goes my boy. *said boy falls flat on the floor* ...come on
I felt that yawn bc I stayed up all night waiting for the video but it dropped at 8 am, I'm an idiot who should've gotten more sleep
"help me" why is he such a mood "everything is going wrong in my life" same but YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THAT LET ME HUG YOU
They're all sinking up so fast god I missed my bois. Also the general awkwardness of Virge and Pat, greeeeat something will go wrong
Virgil just ignoring everything and touching the railing, a mood
ALSO PLEASE LET ROMAN IN THE SITUATION
SECRET SECRETS ARE NO FUN TELL ME NOW OR ELSE WE'RE DONE
wait why does Ro want to be deeply troubled- man are you okay-
LOGAN'S HERE
"your most extreme reaction is an eyebrow raise" "FALSEHOOD" "I stand corrected" omfg
"what are you ta- what are you talking- what are you talking about?" I loved that whole take it made me feel complete
"Look I barely got any sleep" this can apply to a lot of us and I love just how we're all always like "TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF" but in the end this is where we all end up anyway
Okay I'm very curious about these troubling thoughts though
"so sushi" FUCCC I DIED RIGHT THERE
"Don't act like that was an accident" "everybody, Virgil. Let's give it up for the Purp Man" these speak for themselves. Also the purp man is my new fav nickname and I'm gonna use it.
4:17 Patton is adorable bye
"if you continue to push this we're going to end up in really dangerous territory" AND THAT'S WHERE THE TENSION STARTED TO BUILD UP
great flick
"am I delirious or is this the funniest video I've ever made" I felt that
YOU HIGH-JOCKED
okay but when Thomas starts disassociating I also feel really weird like as if there was something blocking my own hearing for real?? And not just the audio edited like that?? Maybe I'm just too tired
WHAT WHO WHHH first intrusive thought making its way what is gonna happen
OH MY GOD ROMAN WATCH OUT ALSO THAT'S DEFINITELY A NEW DARK SIDE OR SMTH LIKE THAT
W HO THE FUCKLKDSL IS THAT A MOUSTACHE IS THAT GLITTER WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HE WEARING WHAT IS HE DOING THERE PLEASE- okay but he looks crazy af I like that
"-evIL" "-SHOW UP"
First time I watched the scene where Ro gets knocked out I literally just screamed "ROMAN" in a high pitched sound I was shook wtf my bOY
Patton and Thomas's yells in unison plus "YOU KILLED HIM" I just I JUST
"Ah, he's the Duke" "....... boo" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Okay but his voice is so on point with his character portrayal he's so weird it's awesome?
SONG SONG SONG and oh goodness the visuals I can't fathom how much editing work must have gone through this, they're all so talented.
"aunt patty naked" A G AI N??
"IM GONNA WHIP YOUR BUTT"
a snaKE IT'S DECEIT oh my these silouhettes are so great this is my favorite scene
this is gonna be stuck in my head all day
THE COOL MIRROR EDIT.
god i hate him so much already but i'm super intrigued he's so chaotic the whole team made a wonderful job i'll never stop saying this
"i'm really stupid right now" just how much out of context relatable content are we going to get on this fine day?
omg the dark version of creativity, which can be associated with intrusive thoughts, that's very clever
THE JUICY STUFF DANCE
"Repression can be very bad indeed" I mean he's right tbh it leads to never solving the problem at all
GO LOGAN GO HAVE YOUR TIME TO SHINE FINALLY i missed him
"i can't hear youuuuuu" much like "I don't understand what you're saying I don't know anything about words" THE DARK SIDES ARE ALL SASSY LITTLE BITCHES
pattonnnn did a real good job
THE BRAVE HANDSOME UNBEATABLE ROMAN and mashed potatoes
"scary" and Virgil just gives Thomas a look idk I live on the little details (Im ten minutes into the vid and look how long this post already is)
GEE Remus (already using his name bc it's shorter) looking so offended at the label and then pointing out it should be a Virgil problem whAT DOES THIS MEAN IM SHAKING
WHY WOULD HE BE DECEIT AGAIN IM DYING. "Idk if you guys can tell but I'm a little silly"
"then why are you lying" no everybody I don't need angst
THE BLACK AND THE WHITE THEORY I SAW GOING AROUND good job to whoever thought of that
JOAN
the forbidden dance
INTO A BUTTHOLE WHAT IS IT WITH HIM AND BUTTHOLES
there u go thomas said it too
haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate FHDSLAKLFD
irresponsible parenting, Logan completing the parental unit of the sides
"maybe there's hope for you after all!" me looking at all my wips
REMUS' LAUGH IS PERFECT. also "BITCH WHAT IS *YOUR* DEAL"
"you've never been one to soften the truth" OH BOI HERE WE GO
"do we have some case of brain swap???" I legitly said "maybe" in unison with Patton the first time
Vee pls stop putting Thommy boy down he's having a bad time
Logan trying to put some sense into the situation is my only spark of hope for this to turn back good
REMUS IS SO DRAMATIC
That lick was ....... let's pretend it never happened
"you know who can help us with that???" DECEIT'S SONG COMING UP that was great, imagine the chaos that the duo would create
"THATS WHAT REPRESSION IS?"
gasp Remus trying to make Virgil angry at Logan shall not stand DON'T PUT THEM AGAINST ONE ANOTHER HE'S JUST TRYING TO HELP
"you all are not listening to Thomas" this is the development I needed
"you're just para-" and he cuts himself. You all know what I'm talking about. Foreshadowing probably? This happened too back then when Roman was almost calling him the same. And then Virge looks so hurt I- "thank you for being on guard" that made me want to cry idk
the whole speech Logan gave? Pure gold. That was perfect.
HE SAID FIGURATIVELY *CLAP CLAP CLAP*
"UH RECORD SCRATCH?"
"does this make me cool?" djslagrkglhf also the teeth thing right after what the
... the deodorant eating ...
DUKEY
The first time I watched I thought his name was spelled Remis that's how dumb my Italian ass is
Still I love his name bc I'm a nerd for ancient culture, ESPECIALLY Roman (and ancient Greek but it isn't mentioned here) and I love the little thing they did with both Creativity names, super clever and very much liked on my part.
"I would never hide anything from you" and he looks at Virgil JUST ALL THIS FORESHADOWING
LOGAN SHOWING HIS TEETH BACK UP
"how about you shut up" Roman what the hecc man
THAT THING INTO LOGANS HEAD UNSETTLED ME A BIT
what are they doing to him today let him rest
double blow
"can we logic our way out of that?" everybody nodding was so pure
"shit"
THAT FUCKING JUMPSCARE I'M SORRY WHAT THE FU
"not all thoughts are meaningful"
He's go- no he's back again
THE CALLBACK MENTION AND PATTONS REACTION... probable foreshadowing to what Joan said about there being a part two of SvS?
"When are you actually gonna jump out of a moving car I've been bringing it up for years" so it's not just me..?
"it is okay if the thought happens to cross your mind"
"everything is okay" I'm going to cry I needed that
I love how Logan touches the topic that there is no problem in seeking help from therapists. There's a lot to say on this, but I was really glad that was pointed out since the are a lot of stereotypes on the matter
why did Virgil look like he was about to cry
Patton I love you
Thomas going to rest is what everyone wanted to see
Virgil confronting Remus I'm living you're doing amazing sweetie
"you tickle me emo"
"it was just like old times" then Pat and Lo's looks in this essay I will
ROMAAAAN
VIRGILS SMILE
"YOU'RE ALIVE"
"I LOVE YOU" ME TOO!! ME TOO ME TOO
"are you good?" "are you hurt at all?" I love when the sides look out for each other
"I'm sorry Logan" right through the heart. Another development.
I need y'all to look at Virgil in this exact second because. he.
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that's my point.
All those smiles while Logan's talking are making me alive
"No seriously, you're ... really ... cool" I started tearing up right here. Twice. And then Logan sinks down cause he's not at all used to this and he's feeling t h i n g s please keep on being appreciated you deserve it
Also Patton always learning from his mistakes and understanding them when he does something wrong or he thinks in the wrong direction, that's something I think a lot of people need to learn, including myself. Like, it's okay to be wrong and make mistakes, just do your best to make sure you're improving yourself afterwards, instead of dwelling on it too much
"I don't like him" makes two of us
"Soooo you have a brother?" oh boy
The m i r r o r it's making me cry
"He's gone now and he's never coming back!" "I don't think that's-" "BYEE" what was all that talk about repression for if you contiNUE TO DO THIS ROMAN please I beg of you let us hELP YOU he's making me die inside
Oh boi the big moment. I already expected a bomb to drop since Virgil was the last one remaining.
"You okay buddy?" "Huh?" op somehow was already found crying
"I'm a little disappointed in myself" istg all that foreshadowing mixed with me wanting to hug him
The music picking up tension, this is poetic cinema let me tell you
I noticed how he calls them "the others", all these tiny details is what I'm living for
"I should know better" I couldn't beLIEVE IT, also how he seemed to be so frustrated made something inside me break
the pause and then "Because I was one of them", the music stops for a second, a little second in which you can hear my distant screaming "GOSH HE SAID IT IT WAS TRUE"
Thomas is speechless and just stares at him while the music picks up again and then Virgil's sigh and expression sinking down like "there you have it. that's the truth. and you can't do anything about it" he looks so defeated I'm breaking down.
Did I already mention poetic cinema? I just love angst and this scene was perfect
First time watching I, too, barely understood anything I was listening to in the last parte because all of that was really a lot to take in.
"Those thoughts that you may have thought do not define you"
"[the thought] may simply be that we are really okay"
"Go to bed!" me
no im not in the mood for food because for some unfathomable reason I had anxiety before the video dropped yay me
WHY ARE U DRINKING RED WINE WITH THAT DISH
GAVIN BEST BOY EVER
and last but not least: are you fucking serious Remus
THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BUTT FANDFKJL
I didn't expect this topic at all and I am so glad it was talked about, thankfully my intrusive thoughts do not bother me as much as I realized other people's do. And I never saw anyone talking about this before, which is why it makes this video so important. I saw a tweet recently about someone saying that it is okay if you think about weird things, the important is that you never act on them, that's what makes you a good person. But I think this video really explains it far better and I never realized how common something like this was? So yeah another time in which I've been educated and couldn't be happier about it. These people really are bringing light to the world gah I LOVE THEM.
oKAY guess I'm done this was a wild ride and yeah I tend to point out EVERYTHING, so here you have it, as I already mentioned if you feel the need to geek out too, I'm here for ANYBODY! (pls I have no friends)
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grandpageepa · 3 years
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I've been meaning to write but haven't opened my laptop to type. This is the first time in a long time that I actually have nails on my fingers and they haven't broken off immediately. I smoked for 13 years and my fingernails were so brittle that I remember wire would just melt through like a hot blade right down to the finger. It was downright painful. I always had quirks about my lips and nails. I was always very paranoid about the nail color chipping away and finding its way into food and I'm an avid nail biter but now more so, I just pick away at skin and it's a very bad habit. Ironically, my mom does the same thing to her fingers and so does my sister. It's a long line of unspoken traumas, anxieties and loss of communication. To be honest, I have such a headache and I've been clenching my jaw non-stop to the point where I think that's where my headache is originating from. My eyes feel so strained because I am constantly reading and working with very small pieces. I like to be vague sometimes to still have that anonymity because I get all types of anxiety when I feel like I'm exposed in the world with no place for shelter. I've spent endless days inside and the depression has come in and out like a tidal wave, like a water spout. I like to be outside but sometimes the excess amounts of stimuli can also cause me anxiety. I've had anxiety all my life and I've had days where it has really been a test of mental integrity or how I'd like to best describe my coping ability. I like to keep busy at all times. When I get a free moment to think, there's so many things that I can't begin to even touch on because all my life I've had to keep who I was, how I felt, what I believed on the wraps just so that I wouldn't have to face ridicule and disappointment. I'm a twin and my cousins are also twins. My twin and I have heard all of our life that we should be more like our cousins, why weren't we boys, why can't we be like them, why can't we reach out to them and have them teach us to walk in their foot steps. These words amongst many were very harmful to our self esteem. Ironically also, my dad who came from nothing is here today living the american dream. The dream being work yourself literally 16 hours a day non-stop to fund your family for 30+ years straight while not being able to speak English and building everything from the ground up with two hands. I know that my parents especially my dad worked so unfathomably hard that it makes me feel so much guilt and shame for wanting to be my own person and wanting to discover the things that make me rather than to follow a lifestyle that he thinks would provide me with the stability and paycheck I need to last me days in the future. There's so much I could write about my dad and my family because like many it's a story of struggle, dysfunction, emotional turmoil and so much unsaid that I could go on forever. These days, if not prompted into conversation, I will find ways to preoccupy the idleness in my mind or if I am, I just can't stop thinking out loud. It's the way that things just opened and closed so abruptly. Time has stopped and is flying by all too quickly. I'm afraid of the passage of time and all the tasks I haven't been able to complete all the while feeling like a horrible daughter and person who wants different things than to save up for retirement. I'm writing at this moment because I am unable to sleep. It's been a year since covid and I am truly just at a deep loss for words and time. Where did the time go? I'm turning 31 this year and things feel just like dreaded falling hundreds of feet down a rollercoaster and wishing that I could make better use of my time because nothing lasts forever and what good is money when you're out of time? To be continued...
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samisweetpea · 4 years
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Dear Rose,
I’ve tried to find the lesson or the meaning in everything in front of me all my life, in order to let go of the past, but there’s a part of me that’s afraid to look too close. A part that really wants to shut the book before I got to the ending, because I knew I was going to have to be the one to write it and I didn’t think I knew how to resolve the conflict. But I think I get it now, being the bigger person, and apologizing for the way you made someone feel, even if you didn’t mean to. And standing up for yourself for the things you were afraid to say, but shouldn’t have been. We’re still the same person, Rose. It’s almost scary, how we haven’t changed at all. But all we’ve been doing for years is focusing on all the ways we’re different.
I have a feeling that you think I don’t know you anymore, but I want you to know that I do want to. And the parts that I might not understand, or you don’t think I will, I want to. I try so hard, in the ways that I know how. But I didn’t let you get to know me the last few years. I shut you down, deep inside. A lot of people say that about me, that I am hard to get to know. We were always so close, but not quite there, and the distance we had to go always seemed to lead to road rage, instead of enjoying the ride.
One of our favorite things to do, when everything starts moving too fast, is find places that slow us down. The ocean, the forest, the tallest trees and the creeks running underneath. Maybe some weed. We could never stop running if they placed us on middle ground, couldn’t stop banging on our drums until we found some place where the music stopped and we could hear ourselves think. We were best buds. But the bigger the world got for me and you, the smaller it got for me. I was just so sad when our family didn’t work out, and I felt small. I felt like my world got ripped in two. It was always one or the other. Win or lose. All or nothing. My limit seemed to be two ends of one infinite line, and I didn’t understand the middle.
Do you know that bipolar disorder is more common in the United States than any other country in the world? 4% of Americans as compared to 2% in other countries, show symptoms. Probably more, for people who don’t have access to help. I started to think about why that might be.
Why is everything in America black and white? Why are the United States colors red, white and blue, but we only care about the first and the last? Why does everyone have to choose between taking a risk or hating the fall? Why is this country built on dreamers and realists, zeros and heroes, men or mice, lovers and fighters, nerds and jocks, athletes and cheerleaders, artists and architects, builders and breakers, movers and shakers, fans and haters? Is that a coincidence? And why is white in between them, a color that isn’t really a color at all, but a reflection and spectrum of all of them at once, a rainbow of possibilities and differences. It also just so happens to be the thing we chose to exemplify love in all its forms.
Why does this hypocritical country keep making us choose between the worst of its polar ends? Why do they make it so hard for people in the middle to win? It ends up being very lonely for everyone. And the more I started to think about it, the more I realized many people in my life have symptoms of bipolarity, not just the disorder. Namely me. I probably have symptoms of a million things with no one label, but that doesn’t make them feel any less real. What is it about the world we live in that fosters this rollercoaster of emotion, and how do we stop it? This attraction to people just like you? To people so much different? To the best and worst of who you are, so much that you end up having to choose one?
This country is composed of polar opposites, a two party system where angry, godlike, manically powerful politicians work hand in hand with deeply burdened, empathetic, depressed ones, and no one ever wins. Misery loves company, and that company is making millions.
They ignore the people in between them, they find the differences before they find the similarities. They can’t choose between the dream or the reality. They can’t acknowledge the elephant in the room, that some people have it better or worse than others but we all deserve the same rights to be themselves and be successful. There’s a saying that in order to get past your biggest fears, you have to face them. And we often look for the things we dislike about ourselves the most in other people, or the things we wish we had and end up resenting. I surround myself with people that I end up pushing away, because they remind me of the things I wish I could change about myself. I find them all around me, like a self-fulfilling prophecy where I always feel alone and always end up alone, putting myself in relationships and friendships with people I think are too similar to me to bear, too different to reason with.
I find the worst in you, Rose. And I think I do it so I can continue to be sad about the worst in myself, so I don’t have to get better, so I don’t have to face my fears about what my future would look like without the sadness that seems to follow me. I give up on the things I’m afraid to fail at, or the things I feel judged for, or the things I am resentful towards. I don’t make apologies because I am afraid they’ll be rejected. I run instead, towards the things that make me feel small, for the things that make me feel ordinary, I settle for a life I think I’m supposed to have, outcomes I think I deserve. Heartbreak, anger, grief, broken bank accounts, sexism, punishment, divorce, death. I make choices that don’t do anything good for me, and then blame everything else but myself for them, because the pain of thinking I’ve failed is something I don’t know how to use as fire underneath me, but something I take personally.
I was so afraid of being wrong about my poor choices all this time, that I feigned being right, but you were always louder than I was, and that’s hard to argue. You’re loud and you interrupt my thoughts, you make me mad and make me feel silly. You make me different and I hate you for it. It’s even harder to tell you when you light me up or do something really beautiful, because I’m scared, it’s like you might not come out again tomorrow, or maybe you’re just making fun of the love I have for you. You take things all the wrong ways sometimes. I can’t seem to make even a small criticism or a correct one without you feeling like an awful person, rather than one who maybe just messed up a little bit. I can’t give you an inch without you taking a mile. You push at my buttons in a way that makes them break, instead of just being gentle. You’re still just a little girl, deep down. I have not been a very good guardian of your spirit.
If I ever told you these things when they happened, I felt like you’d blame yourself rather than give me a sincere apology, so I just didn’t ask for one. I thought I didn’t care, but I think I do. Even coming from you, who I always underestimate when it comes to using their words. That’s the thing about people like me. We will always care, even if we don’t want to. It demands to be felt, like a pulse, the way we love other people even when they don’t love us back. Or when we refuse to believe it.
You are me. And we made it through. And YOU are my favorite person today, when you’re all grown up. You’re a woman with the heart of a little boy on the playground. You’re funny, smart, charismatic. You are a master in debating, a true friend, and you‘re one in a million. You are born in the year of the tiger, you roar like you rule the world. Your name is holy, a godly word for “flower.” You find soulmates everywhere you go, and they find you, too. The most important thing you’ll ever do is find yourself, and that’s my favorite story to tell. But I think I finally have to tell you mine, a secret that I’ve kept inside, even though I know it’s nothing you’d expect me to hide.
The most important story I ever told was in middle school, a lesson about a little boy named Ben. He lived in a closet under the stairs that he couldn’t come out of. He had one secret, a really good one, but he thought this secret was something that made him not good enough for all the great things about him.
Ben didn’t realize that his big secret was what made him special. It was what made him happy. It made him lovely. One day he finally got his happy ending. But it took so much longer to find it, when he let the world stand in his way. He didn’t have the hindsight to move mountains and sail stormy seas to get back to himself. And isn’t it lovely to be loved by the one we love? Why hold back?
I was watching “IT” the other night, and I think the movie finally makes sense to me in all the ways it didn’t when I was your age.
I believe in a world where everything can mean something, even something small. And something small can end up meaning everything. Somewhere out there, the universe is telling us that every moment of our lives is connected, and nothing is as it seems. There is an insurmountable truth, a story full of words somewhere beyond your reach. You just have to find it. Often, the best parts just so happen to be found in the moments you’ve lost everything else. And they don’t fit in your head, but in your heart. Not just feelings, but something tangible beating in your rib cage. A noun for the thing that you fear the most. One, or two, or twenty adjectives, for the thing you love the hardest and the thing you can’t forget, even if you want to. Lyrics for the thing you’re most ashamed of, your worst critics, your biggest dreams. Poems for your family, your friends, the tears you cry, the bridges you burn, the laughs you share, the secrets you thaw. Bits of the past, the present, and the future all rolled into one, the things you run from and still run back to. Your hometown, your childhood, your bad habits and hidden vices waiting in the margins. Your biggest talents and the best of your vocabulary, when the sensations are ineffable. These words are the things that make you who you are, the things that make you iridescently whole and human. But there is darkness in a feeling so overwhelming. A tethering of language you will never be able to control or undo, a thing you’ll never quite understand. The sadness of it sees you, and it follows you like a rain cloud. That feeling always knows what you’ll do next, and deep down you think you deserve the worst parts of it -make or break. You wish you could take all the ugly words in the world and leave them behind, letting them fall between your fingers like sand. You’re not really supposed to see the whole story all the time in front of you, but sometimes, it feels like you’re the only one who can. Sometimes that same story demands to be felt. But if you do ever read it up close, if you understand it isn’t real, but that it’s meaningful, and important, and yours, you can save the ending. You can learn from it, and flourish beyond it. You can realize the plot line doesn’t have to define you, that you deserve the best things you can feel, that there is nothing better to feel than love, but love is not better than nothing. That you don’t have to walk on eggshells trying not to wake it up. This story is one I’ve been seeking without knowing it, in Friends and in PARKS and Recreation, in The Office. Especially the one where Michael finds Holly again, at the best views they can find. I found myself driving around aimlessly, crying and laughing and listening to music the other night. And I keep driving to my favorite places, places I went with you. I thought I wanted to be Jim and Pam, but I don’t. I’m an annoying Kelly, and I’m an asshole Ryan. And no matter how hard they try to fight it, they are the best story, in the end. Love always wins. The story doesn’t have to own you, or control you. You can’t change it, and you have to let the best parts go sometimes. But it will always, always get better. I heard it before I saw it in 2018, in the back of an ambulance. I’ve had the urge to follow the voice who told it ever since. The words for the story I wanted to tell have been bubbling up in me since 2018. That was the year that I almost took my life, and this is the story where I take it back.
My Grandpap, the biggest loss I’ve ever known and the greatest gift I was ever given, told me lots of things. That knowledge is power, not to do anything stupid and not to be a smart ass. He taught me we should all look out for one another, that I should treat others how I want to be treated, and that it costs nothing to be nice. The best thing about him was what he left behind, in poems and pictures of the family he made. Some of the last words he left us were “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.” (He didn’t write them.)
They were right. Whoever wrote it, at least. But I didn’t realize it, or see it, until being in the hospital, or until I lost my mind, or until I screamed for the things I needed, finally loud enough to receive them, but losing everything I ever wanted in it’s place. I thought I loved myself then, but I didn’t. I just was just hating you, for all the things I didn’t say. So much that it got blurred with love. I’ve been fighting a war inside me, and I fail every time. I feel like such a loser, when in reality, I’m just a lover.
Loving myself today is frankly, fucking fantastic. I feel like I can see shit before it happens. I feel like I am breaking cycles and breaking down my own walls - like an architect of my future. It feels like all the colors at once are living inside my chest, singing to get out.
I love myself more than anyone ever has or anyone ever will, I love the little girl I still have left in me, and I’m confidently insecure about all my flaws. I am not the worst things I have ever done, my worst memories. I am not the boy who looks like me, or tells me what I wanna hear, but is never your type. I’m not the shit I didn’t ask for either, but that stuff usually gives me luck, and I’m grateful. But I am also not the only one who understands me, I am not the only one who sees me or hears me waking up in the middle of the night for a cigarette.
I know now, what my point in writing this was. I don’t want anything out of it. I don’t know there’s anywhere left to go. I have no requests, no apologies. But I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of being angry and hard-headed and missing you from far away, leaving you to mind read the love in between my lines. I’m tired of being quiet. I’m tired of walking on eggshells, trying not to say too much or take you out of context. I’m tired of trading what I want for mediocre friendship, which will never be enough. I don’t even feel like I have anything to offer you. You’re so much more than me.
But I know I do, because we all do, and even if it’s not something I can share with the people I like most, at least I can tell myself that I will always be my biggest fan, and I will always remember the best of my story, not the worst. I'll always believe in the best of life. My good and bad and red and blue country, and the rainbow that reflects in my chest, shining like sunlight to the people I allow to see it.
My name is not Ben. I don’t know my full potential yet, or what fires and freezes will stand in the way of my story having a happy ending, but I know what I’m not.
I’m the only one of me.
And I’m not straight.
At all.
This is probably the least interesting thing about me, but the most important, because I always wanted to prove to you I’d have a wedding that would look like your dream one day, and I wouldn’t mess it up. But weddings and marriages are kind of stupid, just parties and pieces of paper, and you don’t need them to know you have something special.
And you know what else I know?
I know I am not alone, and I know you would have loved me the same if I had never told you my story. And you probably aren’t gonna know what to say, or you might never say anything at all, because it’s kind of awkward and weird now. I might never hear from you. But I’m okay with that now. I can miss you from far away, and love you from far away too.
But I’m glad I did tell you in the end, because now you see who I really am, and everything about me makes more sense.
I’m going back to Derry, every day, for the rest of our lives. It’s not that scary, I promise.
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melodramatic--blog · 4 years
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06.14.2009 Grace Summit Sermon – James 1
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Tony Marette: Whassup?! I want to first thank you for my financial status for my internship this summer. The program is 8 weeks long – at the OSU campus. LT – Leadership training – Character growth, Leadership, truth of the Gospel. H2O staff member – worship leader – planning programs and events to the campus and community. Thanks again – if you are interested in donating – thanks – and Go Bucks!
Welcome this morning. We are finishing and bringing to close – Never Waste a Good Crisis – Bringing to a close and starting a series on the Book of James. James really dovetails in with what we have gone through. We have looked at people in the Bible who have gone through many crises. CRISES – the plural of Crisis – It just doesn’t preach as well as CRISISES – but the correct English is Crises.
James talks about going through trials (which is the plural of trial) – (I’ll stop now) – James it the brother of Jesus (not the apostle James). James is one of the most practical books in the Bible – 107 verses and 51 specific, direct commands on how to live our lives. Almost half the verses are commands. 36 quotes/paraphrases of the words of Jesus – The book of James has been called the Proverbs of the New Testament. James is a guys’ guy – just give me the facts – tell me what to do!
Lord, thank You for this opportunity to be with You and worship You. Help us to sing Your praises. We are encouraged by praising You. Thank You for those who share their gifts that we might love and adore You more. We have hearts of appreciation – open to listen to what You have to say. Give Your grace – Act on our behalf – teach us. For the needs we face – we lay our lives before You – You are worthy. May Your Holy Spirit address, comfort, encourage, motivate, and command us today that we might follow You more completely.
James 1:1 James, a bond-servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes who are dispersed abroad, greetings. You can see off the bat – it is not like Paul – OK, Hi, NOW, let’s get down to it: 2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
He hits it with us right off the bat. You have probably heard messages and songs and books about this verse. For me, this is one of those verses we love to hate. Depending on your state of mind, this verse can be really encouraging or make you feel really lousy.
Sometimes we misunderstand this verse – I’d like to open it up and give us an understanding – what is James really saying here – so this isn’t one way or the other – the bipolar verse of the Bible. It is really those first 4 words – consider it all joy. The folks he is writing to are going through difficult circumstances. This could sound like – OK, just cheer up, everyone! That doesn’t always work.
CONSIDER. What does that mean – He is speaking about – thinking. This is first about our thinking – not about our feeling. When we think of JOY – we think of FEELING. But this is talking about THINKING. This is an act of the mind, not an act of the emotion. This has nothing to do with emotion. This should be a relief. In some circumstances, it is impossible to feel happy in some circumstances (unless you are psychotic or evil!) – there are some circumstances you can’t feel happy about.
Sometimes we misunderstand the word ALL. We go to Thessalonians – In EVERYTHING give thanks… All is referring to the type of joy you are to have. The new translations say – consider it PURE (complete) JOY. There are some things in life that are bad. There are some things that are horrible. We should think of those things as bad, horrible; it is okay to have a righteous anger over the circumstances that come into life sometimes. It is okay to feel deep sorrow in certain circumstances. It is okay to hate evil.
It boils down to the word JOY – our tendency is to see this as happiness. We think of joy. JOY – A state of being rather than an emotion – joy proves quite different from happiness – it does not support the idear that a Christian must smile all the time. Joy can be defined as a settled contentment in every situation. An unnatural reaction of deep steady, unadulterated TRUST in God.
This is different from our typical thinking. It is to trust that God is good when things are difficult – very, very simple.
Various TRIALS – Maintain a trust in God when all these trials come into your life. We all go through difficulties – Yours will not be mine! Our tendency is to think we have it the worst – or we look at someone else and say, Boy, I could never go through that! They are specific for you – God knows and allows things into your life – because He understands and knows you.
I think of three things regarding VARIOUS trials – The difficulties that come in: 1) The suffering because of following Christ. At times, we will go through difficulties because of our faith. 2) The trials that come from living in a fallen world. This is a natural part of life. We live around wicked people; we ourselves are wicked; Our bodies are falling apart. 3) The difficulties we face because of mistakes we have made and sins we have committed. When we realize and recognize it – we can trust that He is good.
This is my own contemporary paraphrase: Maintain a state of trust in God when things go wrong. Calm down – focus on God and believe that He loves you. I can work toward that. In Verse 1 he gives us the what – Consider it all joy – Here is the WHY in verse 3. When difficulties come in… 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have [its] perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
There is something you must understand – this is not a blind hope. There is something you can know – He is not trying to ruin or destroy us by our circumstances – TESTING = PROVE. God tests you because He knows you can pass the test! We tend to think – He wants to show me how terrible I am or what a failure I am. NO! It is because He believes in you!
Tony goes to THE Ohio State University – Great for ministry – Great for football – not so great for professors! You have some wonderful professors – but not at OSU. It makes parents furious – and they make phone calls and say, I am paying you so much money… I hate to embarrass him – but I will. The professor said – I don’t know why they have me teaching this class – I don’t like teaching. Tony: I got a 74% in math! But – the class average was 53%. When the teacher teaches and half the kids fail, where is the problem?! It is with the teacher – he is not instructing in a way students can understand. I think sometimes that is our view of God. But God is PROVING to us that we have what it takes. When you go through a difficult circumstance – You have what it takes.
ENDURANCE! Steadfastness – patience – tenacity. That is a good way of looking at it. Trials produce a faith that is tenacious – that goes after it and continues on. You can’t have a faith like that without difficulties. It is no different than getting strong (I am not an example!) – It breaks the muscles down – so that it can get stronger. Add some steroids and you have great muscles! Endurance is faith on steroids! It is not passive, but engaged waiting! We think of waiting as a boring thing. Endurance is ‘Faith Stretched Out.’ The reality is life is a series of difficulties. Jesus said life would have many difficulties. (By many trials and tribulations you will enter the kingdom of God.) We are to steadily move forward – not be life on a rollercoaster.
4 And let endurance have [its] perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Testing – Endurance – stretched faith. Let it have its effect. We say – Enough! – then we look for improper way out of the trial. LET IT HAVE ITS EFFECT! Allow it to work inside of you. Go deep inside and let it work in your life rather than looking for a way out. For some it is alcohol or escaping into TV. If we are setting our minds on the shelf, we are not allowing God’s work to have its effect in our life.
Henri Nouwen – Talks a lot about the personal inner life. We need to allow God – you need time of quiet in life – where you can allow God to work in your heart – where you let God in and let Him point out what is going on inside of you. We are so action/DO/ oriented in our lives. We see prayer as speaking to God, but how much time do we spend in quiet listening for God? Jesus went to a mountain to pray – whenever there was something significant – Jesus went to be with God. We skip the letting God work in us.
When we are going through difficulties, God is trying to complete us. COMPLETE – PERFECT – MATURE – God is maturing us. What we see in this passage – God’s ultimate goal is our perfection – that won’t take place here, but in heaven. Life is this series of difficulties and trials – and eventually we will be complete in heaven. For those who James was writing to – had more of an impact than it probably would us. Their difficulties were such that they just wanted to go and be with Christ. Think of the spirituals written by the slaves – they really spoke of heaven. Our lives, for the most part, aren’t that terrible – but our goal is heaven and we need to train ourselves to think about being with God. This may be the day we go to be with Him – that is the ultimate goal – the end of the journey. James gives us a pattern 1) Tests will come – not if but when – specific and personal to you. God has your trial and test. 2) We are to maintain trust 3) Understand that He believe we can pass the test 4) As we keep going, we become stronger 5) There will be another test after this one!
James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. Wisdom – to the Jews, it meant “Skills for living” – how to live to be pleasing to God. We think about intelligence. Our tendency – when we are in the midst of a trial – is to ask WHY am I going through this?! But the right response is – I am going through this – What now?! In light of my circumstances, how should I live? When we face difficulties, God can be trusted to give us an understanding how to live in the face of our current circumstances. James 1: 6 But let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, 8 [being] a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Our success of failure is determined by our faith, confidence, trust that God is good and loves us. In every situation we face, God is good and loves us and has our best. When you are going through it – it is hard to believe it.
James 1: 9 But let the brother of humble circumstances glory in his high position; 10 and [let] the rich man [glory] in his humiliation, because like flowering grass he will pass away. 11 For the sun rises with a scorching wind, and withers the grass; and its flower falls off, and the beauty of its appearance is destroyed; so too the rich man in the midst of his pursuits will fade away.
Now he throws that in there and we think – where does that come in? For those James is writing to – the primary trial is POVERTY. They are living in destitution – because of their faith, in many instances. We will look at the concept of the rich and the poor in a few weeks. Closing this section – v 12 12 Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; This is a beatitude – He got this from his brother – 12 Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which [the Lord] has promised to those who love Him.
For once he has been approved – do you see that? You will get an A! He points to this concept of life – he is trying to change their perspective – the goal is after this world – what we are living for. Yes, there will be growth and maturity here – but in the end, the true reward comes after this life and that is the reward we should live for and grow toward. Likes: 0 Viewed:
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natsbigfight · 7 years
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One step forward, two steps back.
Today seemed to be the best day to sit down and write, its cold and rainy outside so I am tucked up in front of the fire with my laptop. Where to start…
On the 5th July I arrived at the hospital around lunchtime feeling quite nervous for some reason. It seemed silly at the time but maybe I was just sensing the long journey I had ahead of me. As I was taken into theatre my nerves increased until it was clear to the nurses and doctors that I wasn’t doing too well so they gave me a dose of IV Lorazepam to calm me down. As I drifted off to sleep I thought to myself – it’s ok, this is a quick and fairly simple procedure, you won’t be under for too long and they will look after your pain in recovery. Little did I know I wouldn’t wake up in recovery until three hours later. Turns out it took two surgeons 2.5 hours to clear the adhesions in my abdomen enough to be able to even reach my uterus. They were not expecting how severe the adhesions would be and during the process of clearing them my gynae surgeon make an accidental 6cm cut in my bladder. I was really upset when originally I was told that he “nicked” my bladder but then upon further questioning we found out how badly he actually had cut it. They repaired the cut and filled my bladder with saline, it sprung several leaks and so they did more repairing and then refilled and it appeared to be water-tight. My bowel surgeon found that I did not have another hernia (yay no more mesh) but where I was experiencing pain there was a section of my bowel stuck to the abdomen wall with adhesions so he has freed that in the hopes that will sort my pain out. Once all the adhesions were cleared the actual ventral suspension only took them 15 mins and went really well.
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When I woke up in recovery they had my pain pretty well managed and this continued through the rest of my hospital stay – so pleased to be able to say I had a great experience with pain management this time! They didn’t do the spinal block as planned because of my sleep apnea – they use morphine in the spinal block but morphine can cause your respiratory system to become lazy which would not match well with sleep apnea. For those that don’t know what sleep apnea is – it’s basically when I have periods during sleep where I appear to stop breathing (the docs call these breathing pauses) and I developed this condition when I let my weight get out of control. But I had my PCA which kept me really comfortable.
The morning after my surgery my gynae surgeon came to see me. We talked about my bladder and how I would have to wear a catheter for at least 2 weeks to give my bladder time to start healing. He talked about this in such a blasé way that I was quite upset. In fact he actually said “look I’m a gynae surgeon, I don’t do bladders so this can happen” all while shrugging and holding his hands up in a “what are you gonna do” way. Well it’s all well and good for you to be so casual about the whole thing but you are not the one walking around with a tube shoved up your pee hole and a bag of piss strapped to your ankle! Yes I was annoyed that my bladder had been cut which completely screwed up my recovery time but I understand that the adhesions were really bad so I can’t be too annoyed at the surgeon – but it was his attitude about the situation that really pissed me off. Not to mention he fist bumped me before leaving after one visit – it really filled me with confidence in how serious he takes my health. There was an ACC form filled in which they never gave me a copy off so we are in the process of trying to track down a copy of it now. After he glossed over my bladder he then went on to tell me that the adhesions had almost completely swallowed up my left ovary to the point where he couldn’t find it and only caught a quick glimpse of it during surgery and so this combined with endometriosis and the amount of abdominal surgery I have had he doesn’t think I have a great chance of conceiving naturally now. At this point the sounds of the hospital around me seemed to stopped, I could see my surgeon looking at me waiting for my response, my heart felt like it was in my throat as hot tears poured down my face. My fertility is the one thing I have held onto and tried to protect this whole time. Any one of my doctors will tell you that when discussing anything to do with treatment or surgery my fertility is the first topic I want to cover. How could this be happening? I slowly drifted back to the present and focused on what he was saying, he was in the process of telling me that my right ovary looked great and he had tucked it up out of the way of the worst of the adhesions. I asked if there was a chance that this ovary could also be covered in adhesions before I was ready to have another baby and he said that there was no way of knowing but for now it was healthy. He said that because this ovary is still healthy there is still the chance to conceive naturally but it was very low and so I needed to prepare myself for the IVF process. I know IVF isn’t the end of the world. I know a lot of people who have done it. But it’s a long physical and emotional battle that I just don’t think I have in me. I have fought so many battles over the past three years that I really didn’t need another one. Pregnancy itself was going to be hard on its own with coming off some of my medication which controls nerve damage pain, potential issues with my j pouch and the uterine prolapse. But now I also have to have deal with the painful rollercoaster of IVF before I even get to the pregnancy battle? It’s just not bloody fair! Then of course there is the chance that the three free rounds we get are not successful and we then have to look at other options. Part of me feels like maybe it’s too much. Maybe we need to just admit that our family is complete at 3. But the pull on my heart when I think about not holding another baby in my arms is too much. I want to see Isobel’s beautiful face as she looks at her younger sibling for the first time. After all the crap we have dealt with surely we deserve this? I called Pete after the surgeon left me alone and asked him to come in and see me. I needed him to sit next to me and calm me down. To help me see straight again and get a hold of my grief. After a couple of hours of me crying on and off we decided we would give ourselves today to feel sorry for ourselves and then tomorrow I would pull up my big girl undies and get on with it. This was easier said than done and I still struggled for a couple of days to get a hold of my emotions. I am shelving this issue for now while I deal with recovering from this surgery. I will take it back down off the shelf and process it when I feel stronger.
I managed to come off my IV pain killers on day 3 in hospital and we were all planning on me getting home the next day. Unfortunately that night I spiked a temp and we couldn’t get it under control the next day. They examined me and initially diagnosed an upper- respiratory infection so they sent me down for a chest x-ray. The x-ray came back clear so they did further investigations and found that I actually had a kidney infection from the catheter. I was placed on antibiotics and I ended up spending another 6 days in hospital fighting the infection. I also developed a really bad case of oral thrush from the steroids they had me on to clear up my chest infection before the surgery. If you haven’t had oral thrush then you should count yourself lucky. It is one of the most unpleasant things I have ever dealt with. 
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At first your tongue and throat become covered in a thick white layer and it feels like you have something stuck in your throat which means your gag reflex is almost always triggered. Once this passes your tongue and throat lose the top layer of skin and it feels like your mouth is full of razor blades. Eating and drinking is excruciating and I spent almost a week on a liquid diet. The liquid diet was actually a life saver due to the horrible state of the food in that place. In the 9 days I was there I only managed to eat 2 meals, the rest were totally inedible. 
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These pictures show some of them, the ‘omelet’ in the middle was solid and rubbery, there was also solid/rubbery egg in the potato thing on the right and the pasta ‘carbonara’ on the left was just downright disgusting.
I was lucky to have some great roommates during my stay. We all kept each other’s spirits up and shared stories, I was thankful for the distraction. I was finally released on 14th July and I couldn’t wait to get home. It had been really hard on Isobel, Mum and Pete running around after me and bringing me in food etc. I am so lucky to have Mum and Pete; I would never be able to get through all of this without their support and help.
I spent 5 days at home with the catheter and I was miserable. I had almost a permanent feeling of needing to pee, the tube kept pulling when I moved the wrong way and I could only wear PJ bottoms because of the pee bag strapped to my leg. It wasn’t until two days before I got it out that I realized that not wearing underwear was better because it didn’t press the tube into strange places and let it sit where it was comfortable. I also had a bath at Mum’s which went a long way towards relieving the discomfort. On Wednesday morning they did a contrast x-ray to make sure the bladder was water-tight and on the mend. This was so horrible. They used an IV drip connected to the catheter to slowly fill my bladder up with saline and then they took a series of images. The relief when they let the saline drain back out was amazing! I went back later that day once the report was written up to have it removed. I felt like a new woman! I am in the process of re-training my bladder and I am holding onto my urine for as long as I can in order to stretch the bladder back out. They assure me there shouldn’t be any long term issues thank god.
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So right now I am taking it easy and working on dropping my pain meds. The worse part of my recovery is I have really severe nerve damage again. They made 5 key-hole incisions and 2 larger incisions during the surgery. The two larger ones are low down and where they attached the uterus to my muscle. It’s those two points that have resulted in nerve damage. The pain feels like a hot poker is being jammed into my tummy each time I move. This usually takes a couple of months to settle down to a point where it doesn’t cause me too much trouble. Obviously this causes me to be really restricted in what I can do which is so frustrating. I want to try and get back to work next week as the bills keep stacking up and we just can’t survive on only Pete’s income. Although I am trying to get back to work I am going to be careful with how I go and be aware of what I am capable of. There is only 2.5 weeks until Pete’s surgery so I need to be as recovered as possible to ensure I can take over the house duties from him.
So that’s the most recent chapter in my story. I look back at all we have been through and just shake my head in wonder. How can the shit still keep coming? Is there some higher power that is messing around with our lives just to have a laugh? It’s bloody ridiculous. But nonetheless it’s the card we have been dealt and so we will continue the good fight. We just need to remind ourselves of the positives. We have each other and a roof over our heads – that’s all that really matters. 
Who needs their sanity and all their organs as well?
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21
Followed up by the already wildly popular and successful 19 by Adele, sophomore album 21 broke impressive records and beyond and continues its success. 19 was a fruitful and energetic take on love and relationships by Adele, and it took audiences to places they had not been before. The album from beginning to end was tongue and cheek, starting with track one, Daydreamer and ending on the albums most famous town anthem track twelve, Hometown Glory. As soon as the album comes to a close, it leaves you wanting more that 19 just could not fulfill. With the three singles from 19, Chasing Pavements, Make You Feel My Love, and Hometown Glory it still felt like something was missing as the album ended on a high note rather than a low like 21(I will get to that later). To be completely honest, 19 did not leave me in awe or left me feeling a type of way. 19 felt incomplete and like something was missing, but not lacking. 19 did not have that ending power ballad that 21 has become most famous for, Someone Like You. That is what it was omitted, that certain track that brought you back to all those good and bad times, but again more on that later. 19 is almost like a movie or a novel, ending and leaving the reader or audience wanting more, and that is where 21 comes in, picking up where 19 left off. 
Although a couple of years later, 21 picks up the pieces left for us to fill in between 19. With 21, Adele does not hold back and lays everything out on the line. Once you begin with track one and end with track 11, you will have been on an emotional journey of many sorts(to say the least). 21 tells more of a story than 19 did. It is a narrative of a relationship here one day and gone the next, a relationship gone wrong, and finding ways to move on by going through emotional pain and sorrow. One needs to feel those emotional ups and downs in order to move on and heal after a break up; that is what Adele displays in 21. 
21 takes the listener on a rollercoaster of emotions of a break up and the after affect from it. Each song on 21 is like a chapter of the relationship and where it ended up. Just like any break up goes, it has many ups and downs and this album achieves all that in forty minutes. The beginning of the album starts off with the afterglow from a breakup (Rolling In The Deep), following a tongue and cheek song about rumors (Rumor Has It) and believing what one will make up in ones mind about that relationship and how it ended. After that, it delves deep into the inner workings of one ability to finally feel the emotions from said break up (Turning Tables) and feeling those pangs of guilt while also being able to realize the other person hurt you as well and it won't happen again. Following that, the listener is led to the question of if the break up was a good decision or not (Don’t You Remember)? This album, like Adele herself, is fickle in which direction to take next, but only for the better and ending in a great resolution. After those feelings are said and done, it is right back on track with relenting the other person who broke ones heart and the persons true colors and who they really are (Set Fire To The Rain). The next track brings an all too familiarity in post break up blunders asking the question of: Will this person give me another shot if i asked them to (He Won't Go)? Will they take the risk? And then coming to the realization of, as a strong person, I do not need that other person. All these emotions of a post break up in the first half of the album is pure gold because, as human beings, we have all gone through these emotions and feelings. This is a leading factor in why I believe Adele is so successful; Adele is relatable. She has been through it, we have been through it, and we can all take comfort in knowing at some point in her life she felt the same exact way we all once did. Moving on to (in my opinion the best song, saddest song and the song I relate to most on the album) a heartfelt look back on the relationship that once was really great, why it ended, and I gave you my all, but you just took it and threw it away (Take It All). In this moment on the album, I think anyone who has had a broken heart can relate and this song takes one back to that place or moment in where they questioned everything they did and if they were good enough? Where did it go wrong? This song, other than the ending track, really ties the album together. The next two songs really tie in with the last track, after having realized that you took my all, I will still be waiting if you decided to give me or the relationship another shot (I’ll Be Waiting). It’s that moment where one is giving a hopeful outlook and shooting for that something that could or could not happen. After the follow up to that question, the track moves on to another familiar feeling of if you gave me another shot, let me be the one you only want to be with, just that one chance to show the other person that you changed (One And Only). The penultimate track is another great cover song done by Adele which reminds the listener, that love can be felt from miles and distances (Lovesong). After having been through this emotional journey with Adele thus far, one is left feeling slightly healed in many ways, but not before closing with the final track (Someone Like You). During this last and final attempt to bring you and this person that hurt you back together to say, it was good when it was good, and it was shit when it was shit, but if you'll remember the good and don't forget that we shaped one another. Also that I still may have feelings, but I will move on and find someone better, like you. 
As an extreme Adele fan, I can say 21 is her best work. To take someone on that journey and bring back feelings from years or months ago and to have those feelings come across in song(s) and vocals is so powerful. Once again, 21 is an expressive album in more ways than one, it’s like a movie or telling a story from beginning to end, but in a different way. To this day, this album will evoke emotions from past relationships and exes that I thought had settled in me, but when I listen to 21 it really does bring me back. In many ways, it is good, but also bad. I don't like to remember the bad times, but in order to move on and move forward with ones life, you must feel that pain of the bad. Sometimes it is the bad pain that will me us happy again, by feeling that sadness, it can make you realize how happy you are now and in a much better place and you needed to go through that to get where you are today. To me, I am so emotionally attached to this album and it means so much to me knowing that someone, at some point felt the exact same way I once did and that I am not alone. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to feel. It’s ok to be sad. It’s not ok to let the one who hurt you and break your heart, keep you broken. In time, the pieces will pick themselves up and put it back together. It just takes time. As someone who is very impatient, I had to learn to be patient and that time does heal, but never forget that there is something, someone out there better for you. We all make mistakes and have regrets, but it’s what you do afterward to move on from those things that define us.  
“Regrets and mistakes they're memories made” - Adele
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dydturktek · 5 years
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How the Season Finale Associated with 'The Bachelor' Was The Hardest But Also Extremely important
How the Season Finale Associated with ‘The Bachelor’ Was The Hardest But Also Extremely important
As a your childhood senior in the last session of high the school, I have begun to decide on my activities. Looking back again, it seems like a long time since I was basically that naive freshman. Out of the blue, I realized that the past three years are already incredibly longer and difficult. Perhaps even back then, I became ready to graduate student and I failed to even understand what I was doing (that section is still the same). We’ve come relatively far contemplating my cases, and of our all my achievements, one that stands out is the volume of television We have watched. The hours I actually dedicated to looking at numerous Present ranging from ‘Breaking Bad’ that will ‘Orange is definitely the New Black’ is significant and I will not regret any kind of it.
Yesterday morning, the conclusion with ‘The Bachelor’ aired in which viewers reached see the sentimental rollercoaster with the final participants. These latter contestants attained with Nick’s family where they either expressed many different feelings. They went on their ‘final date’ that concerned ice ice skating and for several reason Santa claus Clause.
Though Venessa do not quite understood how the indicate worked, Nick Viall decided to go with her and also sent Raven packing. As an alternative to choosing Raven, the perfect man, Nick opted reluctant Vanessa. Smh
We promise you will find a point to that.
From Corinne’s naps on the confused dolphin, ‘The Bachelor’ continually supplied drama and entertainment of which made my favorite Mondays a bit less undesirable. It is times when one has a couple of essays to publish, calculus faraway pipe dream to do, and also 200 pages of content to read in which TV may swoop in and make every thing better even though it’s for two hours.
  Doing a little something you love or possibly having a inventive outlet is an excellent way to take care of stress as well as life generally. Everyone has a passion to have going. By just taking a little while from the persistent pace for life to complete something exciting, you can decrease you pressure levels. Therefore if her knitting, the baking, photography, or simply sleeping, complete the work!
Back to the exact ‘happy’ husband and wife, I permit them to have 3 months. Highs
The Enormous Gut
  How do we trust “trust”? Naturally , the faith I’m talking about is your gut becoming. When you’re investigating that incredible college along with everything relating to this seems right- the people are actually funny plus friendly, it includes all ukessays referencing the classes you ever in your life wanted, and then the food within the cafeteria will be delicious, as well as the mascot can be your favorite canine, and you have this kind of feeling as part of your gut suggesting that this spot is right. Virtually all the time I may tell you that will cannonball on and start getting through plan papers. Nevertheless , in my experience As i realized that at the same time to think about this your sensing, rather than currently taking it from face value. So , what exactly is gut sense? How can being conscious of your instincts feeling help college lookups?
For youngsters that are looking through and are actually looking for the time (trust me, I was one of them), I will link this unique to college searches and all the fact that juicy stuff eventually. Basically hang on- I’ve have one or two good fortune to plow via first.
What is a digestive tract feeling? Why does it produce me to love a school instantly?
Typically the gut emotion is basically a form of intuition that people can educate with experience, in addition to being aware of just how it works can be hugely helpful. For example , I earliest learned how to do change turns within swimming related to four a long time ago. At that time I actually didn’t ‘turn’ as much as lemon back first into the structure, scramble from the water for a bit, after which cheekily sort my which were found into position. But this can be normal- Freezing learned a thing, and it has a considerable ways to go until it finally becomes progressive, and even longer until it becomes intuitive. A number of years and most likely a thousand moves (and a pair of thousand flops) later; I could flip flip with fogged over cameras and not become a wall pancake. The more I was able it, cardiovascular disease I thought that little voice within my gut revealing to me when to stroke, put, turn, and also kick off.
Why does this occur though? Reported by Carlin Bacteria of Psychology Today, of which tiny tone of voice is actually a cognitive process the fact that condenses reasons by taking benefit of the brain’s shortcuts. This procedure can be set off by even the smallest outside incitement, such as the color of the pool floor shifting near the wall, or the side of the road line shifting patterns. Your brain takes outdoors stimulus, will do a rapid lookup of a memory records, and chooses out the most effective course of action or possibly reasonable view.
So from the context of school searches, realise that whether you really feel like you instantly like a university or not are usually influenced by just prior experiences and memory. Always determine why you are feeling attached as well as hesitant in terms of a college, as well as the answer does not make sense. It would simply even be ‘the meals reminds me of home’ or perhaps ‘the campus smells like the gym locker room’. Being aware of precisely why you’re feeling like you would are presents to consuners one move closer to figuring out your wish school.
Why do we have confidence in the tum feeling? Why is it there?
I tend to look into the instinct feeling simply because rubber auto tires to a automobile. It’s not necessary per se, but while not it we may literally possibly be spending only two hours deciding upon what cereal to eat each day. Psychologist Antoine Bechara associated with University about Southern California made a study with mentally defective patients who have lacked the main gut sensing intuition. Without intuition and also having to manually factor in almost everything, the subjects required around time to decide in between cereals.
We tend to trust the exact gut sense simply because people can’t do without it, since that approach we have turn into quite along with it. Your personal gut sense is there to assist you, and when you are looking at a university, its almost certainly matching superficial elements of the institution to your existing ambitions for a student which will make the litigation process more sound. Be aware of individuals ambitions! Before you search in place or visit a school, contemplate: what am I looking for? In order, write the ones goals all the way down and bring them with you around the college tour or when you browse through the education site. This will likely help keep everyone on track with regards to what you would like.
What precisely influences our own gut becoming? Should I underestimate it?
Don’t disregard your abdomen! During my seek out, my gut was my best friend, despite the fact that it all gets mobile phone sometimes. The very distractions consider primarily coming from memory along with emotions. Remembrances and knowledge define typically the domain about what our own gut knows, and our own emotional say influences what we are looking for as well as our gut’s judgment. If I feel eager, I will the particular school’s caterers services at the higher main concern than, say, dorm amenities.
There are a few other things which will affect the digestive tract, and this catalog is most likely any oversimplification. Except for the reasons of simpleness and streamlining my recommendations for college or university searches, continue to keep a list of what exactly you’re looking for plus identify the reason why you’re that come with a school . Choosing a college is no small-scale task, and also you want almost everything at your disposal doing work at your appeal. Your instinct can be both your most important enemy or perhaps best friend- so provide a few guidelines, a cookie and a apt on their head, and permit it cleared the path.
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diningrheum · 5 years
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When it all comes tumbling down…gratitude!
I know my last post said that this month was SUPPOSED to be all about gratitude (and I promise I will still try to incorporate a little bit towards the end) but I’m struggling with it at this point, and I just want to make this blog REAL and HONEST…or else what’s the point of it.  Not to sound like one of those anti-depressant commercials that you see on TV, but most days in real life, I feel like I’ve had to wear a mask.  I don’t want my parents to worry, so I only tell them the good news about my RA, but don’t tell them about some of my lingering fears.  I didn’t want to disappoint my boyfriend, so I took a bunch of painkillers and hopped on the bike out of fear that the pain of my rheumatoid arthritis would impact my activity levels to a point that he would care less for me.  And it’s all driven me to this point….a breaking point where I feel backed into a corner and I just want to come punching and kicking and screaming my way out and say “THIS IS ME, DAMNIT!  This is who I am!  Love me or stop loving me, but I just can’t take hiding it anymore!”
The past year or so has been a complete dumpster fire! A (not so) brief recap:
At the end of the summer in 2017, my boyfriend and I decided to take the next step after almost 5 years together and move in together.  It was my first time living with a significant other, so I was super nervous but also really excited. Things seems to be going really well….for about the first month.  And then….well…something unexpected that I’m afraid caused irreparable harm to the relationship happened.  This is something that I fear I will deeply regret every single day for the rest of my life. To be fair to him, even I did not anticipate the depth of the depression and guilt that I would feel, but I had hoped for a little more compassion that the decision would be a so difficult for me, both emotionally and physically.  I have never been suicidal, but many days I felt that I don’t deserve to live after what I had done.  This may seem like an extreme reaction and perhaps it is, and it was one I was ill prepared for.  It was something that I never told a single other person about.  He was the only one who knew, and therefore the only person I could trust to understand these feelings.  And it felt like a betrayal, when he just pretended like it never happened. It felt like a further betrayal when he failed to follow through on the steps he was supposed to take to help put my mind at ease about the situation.
In January, my symptoms began to make themselves more pronounced.  Joint pain went from “ok, I just slept weird” to ” hmm….something strange is going on here.  I don’t think this is normal.” It was enough that it inspired me to take the first food sensitivity test to look for a possible culprit to my pain.  Looking back, I still sometimes wonder if all the stress of the previous autumn were in some way linked to my onset of RA. I’ve read many accounts of trauma triggering an autoimmune disease, so if a car accident can trigger it, than I’m almost certain that an unplanned pregnancy and then being suddenly not pregnant anymore can certainly do it.  I mean, the rollercoaster of emotions between guilt and relief alone could probably do the trick, but the crazy hormone changes that the body goes through, first by getting pregnant and then in response to the demise of the fetus are not to be dismissed.
Also in January, my grandfather passed away suddenly.  On Christmas Day, he was going to a friend’s Christmas party, then by New Years he was checking into the hospital.  I never expected that he would never check out and go back home.  Then, at the end on June, I got news that my other grandfather had passed away, less than 6 months between them.  Two great men, just gone from my life during a time full of uncertainty.
Next, came my diagnosis in July.  And with it, rather than total relief or optimism that I’d finally start to get the treatment I needed, I felt more guilt.  Guilt that my boyfriend wasn’t getting the active girlfriend he thought he was moving in with.  What if I didn’t get better?  We had just moved in together and I got the diagnosis on the one-year anniversary of our closing date.  This wasn’t what he had signed up for…an invalid for a girlfriend.  At a time when I should’ve been focused on my own health, I was worried that my boyfriend wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.  Up to that point it wasn’t as if things were going swimmingly in our relationship either.  I’m not great at adjusting to change, and even though moving in together was something I wanted, I’m a weirdly private person and now it was impossible to hide my weird little quirks, like my embarrassing Netflix queue of sappy romcoms or the stupid goofy games I obsessively play on my phone or my cookbook hoarding habit. Instead of embracing it and trusting that it wouldn’t change his feelings for me, I got nervous about him finding out.  I remember more than once, he would ask about what I did on an evening that we didn’t spend together, and I got instantly defensive and secretive about it and said “Nothing! Geeez…why do you have to know so bad, you control freak!”  Truth: I binge watched some episodes of a CW show or played games on my phone all night long or danced around and lip synced in the living room while blasting the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack.
I’m not saying he was completely blameless either.  He had some expectations of me that I felt were a little unreasonable, like a quota on how many times a week he felt we should be having sex (way to suck all the romance and spontaneity out of it).  And he wasn’t always perfectly compassionate.  Before my diagnosis, he made a comment on how I wasn’t really working out any more.  Earlier in our relationship, I used to go with him to the gym, but as my hands and feet started to hurt I was less and less into it.  I know it disappointed him, but it wasn’t exactly my fault.  He asked what my new fitness routine was, and I angrily shot back “Right now I’m lucky if I can walk to and from work without pain”  Then he shot back that I needed to come up with something because otherwise I would get fat and he couldn’t see himself with someone “not fit.”  It was hurtful!  I didn’t choose to be sick, and I was trying my best to overcome my depression, but I felt like he was suggesting that I somehow planned this disease and its onset to happen after we were living together as a means to trap him! Again, this was before I knew what was wrong with me and how or if I could get back to normal.  And the tensions kept mounting and the rift between us kept growing.  We’d fight more often and every time we did, he’d throw in a subtle or not so subtle suggestion that we break up, like “Things won’t work out unless you……”  I got really defensive every time and just shut down or exploded in anger at him, which never helped the situation.
Finally came today.  A brief background:  I grew up and live in a very liberal area of the country, and have always tended to lean a little more moderate-conservative. Being election day, I put a 24-hour temporary profile picture up that said “I voted Republican.” Being someone in a liberal echo chamber, I often keep these opinions to myself to avoid debates that never tend to lead anywhere and in my experience have always results in name calling, but everyone else so proudly declares that they vote and also proudly declares how they vote, either online or in daily conversation, so why can’t I just because my opinion is a little different?  I’m just as proud of my choice and the hopefulness it brings me for freedom and I didn’t want to continue to hide it.  My boyfriend was not happy, and he took it as a personal attack on him and said my posting it endangered his relationships with others.  It felt like the ultimate betrayal.  I trusted him to know me and love me for who I am, and encourage me to feel comfortable about it.  I’m tired of hiding everything….my pregnancy, my illness, even this blog- a blog that no one in my real life knows about, including him (I planned it that way because I felt like I could be more honest with strangers that if I knew my audience and was worried about how they might read what I was writing).  Instead, I felt like he was controlling me and censoring MY facebook profile and MY opinions because of how it made HIM look. So I erupted in a series of angry texts back at him.  He asked to meet for lunch to discuss.  When we did, I erupted even more.  Eventually, when I’d lost steam on my tirade, he said that he was sorry but that our relationship was over!  So there it was: a 24 hour facebook profile pic was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I feel so many things right now: angry, devastated, remorseful, and confused!
On some level, things with us haven’t exactly been healthy for a while, but then on the other hand, I’m finally starting to get a handle on my RA symptoms and I felt like things with us were starting to improve.  Two days ago we were talking about going to the store to start planning out cabinets and countertops for a kitchen remodel in our house.  And last night, we had just gotten a new comforter for our bed after struggling with a duvet that was always spilling out of its cover because of a few missing buttons.  I was really hopeful that we were going to be able to put all the bad things in past behind us and start to look forward and hopeful for a festive holiday season where we could finally get a reprieve from all the past year or so’s troubles. It felt like we were this-close to re-establishing peace in our relationship and if we could come out of the other side of this year, maybe a little battered, but still intact then we’d have the strength to get through anything together.  But I guess all of the setbacks of this year took their toll, and now I’m forced to find a time to start packing up our shared home and move back in with my parents.
So, I said I would end this post with gratitude, since that is supposed to be the theme of my posts this month.  It’s really hard to feel grateful for much when the man you love just gave up on you and broke your heart, but I am grateful that I do have other people that are in my corner.  My parents are loving and kind and will welcome me into their home to stay as long as I need. And not having to move into an apartment alone is probably good.  My parents will be caring and compassionate that I’ve just probably lost the love of my life (I know most people say that, but even though we’ve been together for about 5 and a half years, our story goes back all the way to the fall of 2000, so it feels like 18 years of my live—my ENTIRE adult life– has just fallen apart) but will also be the tough love I need to try to navigate moving on.  I don’t have a particularly large friend group, but the ones I do have I know love me unconditionally.  Even one of my friends, who I know disagrees with me on all aspects of politics really came through for me today.  I’ve been able to come clean with those people about last fall’s pregnancy and its aftermath and they’ve all been overwhelmingly comforting and supportive in ways I hadn’t expected. Now I only wish I had told them sooner, so I wouldn’t have had a year of self loathing over the whole thing and guilt about hiding it from everyone.  They were understanding of my reasons for wanting to keep it private and were truly there for me.  And will truly be there for me going forward.
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