#i am Not a psychologist just curious | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

glassbirdfeather · 3 months

Text

Mohg's Brain

(This is an essay on Mohg, Lord of Blood, from hit video game Elden Ring. It just takes a bit to get there.)

There is a story often repeated in Psychology classes, Physiology classes, pop psych media like YouTube, podcasts, and garbage daytime television on channels that used to be scientifically rigorous: about a man with an incredible brain injury. For those of you who haven't heard the story or are not yet sick of hearing it, I've included it from memory below, because I have heard it just that many times.

If you've heard this story already, you can skip to the subtitle: "Can We Even Learn Anything From Gage?"

If you already know the controversies about Phineas Gage or just want to jump to the part about the video game character, you can skip to the subtitle: "Let's FINALLY talk about Video Game"

----

"The Curious Case of Phineas Gage"

Phineas Gage was a railroad worker who would help clear land with explosives. The dubious and definitely wouldn't-have-been-OSHA-approved method of laying these explosives was to chip a hole into the mountainside, place the explosives, and then tamp it down using some sort of implement like a railroad spike. What happened next was predictable and it's surprising this didn't happen much more often--when packing the explosives, they detonated in Gage's face. Specifically, this launched the spike underneath his left eye and out of the top of his head. Less predictably, Phineas stood up afterwards. When a doctor arrived, said doctor did not believe what had occurred until Gage vomited approximately a "teacupful of brain matter" onto the street.

Due to lack of effective sterilization and antibiotics at the time, poor Phineas Gage was bedridden for several months, where he continued to lose further brain matter to infection. Eventually, he did recover, although he would continue to experience migraines and seizures for the rest of his life. While he lost his job for the railroad service, he went on to work in a sideshow attraction, carrying around the very railroad spike that went through his head. Eventually, he got a job and worked as a taxi driver and lived for several more years before dying of a seizure.

Phineas Gage was never the same after this life-altering injury: he was belligerent, drunk, lied frequently, and lost his job for the railroad company because of his new personality. And I do say NEW personality--Phineas had become like a completely different person and was, in essence, "no longer Gage" (they love quoting that). The damage to regions of the prefrontal cortex made him unable to make moral judgements, and impaired his impulse control.

OR MAYBE THAT LAST PART ISN'T TRUE.

Phineas Gage was NOT much changed by this life-altering injury. Though he lost his job at the railway company, the cause of this job loss is unknown. He MAY have had severe alterations to his personality due to this injury, but whether these changes were due to physical damage or emotional trauma--or whether personality changes ACTUALLY occurred at all--are disputed.

----

Can We Even Learn Anything From Gage?

Though I am uncertain if we have exact data on which parts of his brain he was left with when accounting for what was later lost to infection, the trajectory and angle of the injury suggests he initially lost much of his prefrontal cortex. Which of the previous versions of the story are told or over/under-emphasized is dependent on the point the teller is trying to make in the age-old debate of nature vs. nurture.

Some psychologists argue that Gage's personality change demonstrates the Global Workspace Model, where different parts of the brain are responsible for different parts of consciousness, and that by changing or removing parts of the brain, you change consciousness.

Other psychologists will argue that the LACK of change is evidence of the brain's incredible plasticity--its ability to adapt and compensate for missing parts by shifting the functions of those parts to be performed by different regions.

Most reasonably, he probably experienced some cognitive differences while still being effectively the same person and is an example of both points of view. But we don't have concrete enough evidence to say.

Any class in which a teacher or textbook needs evidence to support whatever point they're trying to make about how changes to the brain affects personality, addiction, emotional regulation, decision making, etc., they'll use Gage to make that point, no matter what stance they take. So really, Gage isn't a useful case study beyond what we could actually observe: he lost some of his brain and lived, while also experiencing migraines and seizures for the rest of his life.

With all of that said, if we assume that Gage experienced no changes to cognitive function or personality, I just typed out a story I am very sick of hearing for no reason. So let's assume that at least some of those observations were true.

----

Let's FINALLY Talk About Video Game

Her are some potentially useful images to reference if you want. Left: general brain regions and their functions. Right: paranasal sinus cavities.

Unlike a nice, straight tamping iron, Mohg's horns curl in unpredictable directions. Some assumptions must be made about length, depth, and diameter to determine what region and volume of his skull is occupied by his horn. The minimum I expect is that the horn occupies the region of his frontal lobe in any scenario. Let's also set a maximum limit: I believe it is reasonable to assume it has not reached the primary motor cortex, where it would disrupt body control and physical movement... unless one wants to suggest he is puppetting himself in his boss fight like a bloodbender. Which, let's be real, IS a really badass concept, someone should write that fanfiction.

Though I argue that Gage is a bad example to use given our lack of reliable data on his personality and lived experiences, we DO know that disrupting the function of the prefrontal cortex can affect judgment, planning, concentration, and any type of higher processing you might call a uniquely 'human' mental ability (I acknowledge the mental abilities of birds and primates but they are beyond the scope of this essay). It may be safe to assume that, in Mohg's case, these mental processes are harmed regardless of any further extrapolation I make. One other brain region of note is the motor speech (Broca) area, located on the left side directly behind the prefrontal cortex and controls muscle movements for speech.

On the topic of pain, migraines, and seizures: He has a horn in his head, it probably hurts. Obstructions (like cysts) can cause buildup of cerebrospinal fluid, which can cause pain and is a common cause of seizures. It is difficult to say how many people have benign brain tumors, but there is speculation that benign tumors in the brain are unexpectedly common. People only typically get brain scans when they've already noticed a problem, but there have been cases of perfectly healthy people having (non-cancerous) brain tumors, so a mass being present in the brain does NOT guarantee seizures will occur. This being said, that horn is significantly larger than a typical benign brain tumor. Migraines and seizures are very reasonable to assume.

I don't know what to say about illness and disease. In theory, if the horn grew at any point after birth, I would say he should have died from any pathogens that were introduced during its corkscrewing into his skull. Phineas Gage was bedridden for months due to infection, was under the care of a doctor, and he wasn't living in a sewer. Do the Lands Between understand the germ theory of disease? It may at least know that poop in the brain is bad, but I listen to Sawbones, so I know that isn't something we can just assume. It's possible he's lost some impossible-to-estimate amount of brain matter to infection. Feel free to speculate about Omen resistance to pathogens, but I don't feel that is the point of this essay. I'll say it's safe to assume his body has healed closed around it, but anything else I won't try to extrapolate.

----

Specificity from Horn Trajectory

Possibility 1:

If we estimate the continued trajectory from the visible part of the horn, it actually continues medially, towards the center of the body, and curls downward. This might even miss most of the brain and instead disrupt the frontal, ethmoidal, and maxillary sinus cavities of the skull.

It may possibly even pierce the roof of the mouth, if we roughly estimate the rate at which the horn tapers and where it likely ends. I argue that this is the most optimistic scenario in terms of his health, because although the horn almost certainly penetrates the prefrontal cortex, it may not be as deep as other possibilities.

In this horn trajectory case, he probably experiences constant sinus pressure similar to a permanent head cold, obstruction to his sense of smell, and by extension his sense of taste. Even if the horn does not completely block his nasal cavity, it may have damaged his olfactory nerve and thus disabled his sense of smell anyway. Should the horn obstruct his mouth he may experience physical difficulties eating and speaking.

Possibility 2:

A worse scenario may be to assume this horn instead extends directly backwards. This would likely pass through the motor speech area, and may have caused him to lose the ability to talk, forcing him to relearn how to speak by having another part of the brain learn to do this function (similar to how anyone learns a second language after very early childhood). It may also reach the LEFT temporal lobe, which processes hearing and smell for the RIGHT side of the body, and therefore he could be deaf in his right ear. Again, the olfactory nerve is potentially in the path of the horn, and loss of sense of smell is frequently considered a symptom of brain damage, so regardless of the angle of the horn this is a high possibility.

----

What Time of Horn Growth Could Tell Us

Children are more likely to recover well from brain damage. The older he was when the horn entered his brain, the more likely he would be to experience cognitive impairment.

Should Mohg's horn have developed that way before birth, his brain may have formed around it without issue, or obstructed regions may have simply remained underdeveloped. His skull would also have developed to more 'comfortably' accommodate this horn, rather than having to break and re-heal around a later intrusion. If the horn is shallow enough and its growth occurred during fetal development or very early childhood before the fusing of the bones in the skull, it is possible that left eye blindness and mild discomfort are the only effects. The timing of the horn's growth being before birth or in early infancy is supported by the Regal Omen Bairn, which shows Morgott with seemingly all of his horns, suggesting that omens horns are largely present upon birth and that those horns grow in proportion with them.

However, given the themes associated with the Formless Mother, here is another--vastly more speculative--hypothesis: Mohg's horn was grown deliberately into his skull by the influence of the Formless Mother, perhaps with or without his consent. I find it hard to believe that a force claimed to be the "mother of truth" which "desires a wound" would be unaware of the possible effects of this type of wound.

I posit that the Formless Mother intended to compromise Mohg's consciousness and sense of reason to make him easier to manipulate. If we assume that they were not working together (debatable), the abduction of Miquella and potential interruption and sabotage of his ascension puts an empyrean under the Formless Mother's control, and works counter to the dynasty Mohg desires. Damage to his ability to plan, make rational decisions, and his sense of morality could explain how Mohg seems to want a place for outcast and hated people, likely seeing a kinship with Miquella, but has created something that is the antithesis to the Haligtree.

Furthermore, should we assume that Mohg and Miquella met previously and Miquella had the opportunity to do so, the power Miquella purportedly has to compel adoration in others may have interacted poorly with Mohg's potentially impaired emotional processing, and could have caused an obsessive outcome that the Formless Mother did not predict.

Of course, I don't believe every awful and cruel decision someone makes is the result of brain damage, but this may explain the incongruity between what Mohg seems to want and what he has made. Whether Mohg is "the reigning lord and hierarch of the coming dynasty of Mohgwyn" or "a raving lunatic" may not be an incompatible dichotomy. It may be sequential.

----

Glassbirdfeather you're so wrong, why did you say ___?

I am not a doctor. I am a chemistry student with a biology lean (clinical laboratory science) and am drawing my conclusions from what I've learned in Anatomy, Physiology, and Psychology classes at an introductory level, and I glanced back at my anatomy and psychology textbooks as my sole academic sources. Please don't take this as a well-researched essay, none of the claims I make about mental or physical health are properly cited. This is just fandom theorizing; it's as academically rigorous as fanfiction. Any doctor/member of the medical profession who would like to correct me is invited to do so, I would love to hear more accurate and informed observations.

----

Bibliography

(literally just 2 references, man)

Grison, Sarah and Michael S. Gazzaniga. Psychology in Your Life. Third Edition, W. W. Norton & Company, 2019.

McKinley, Michael P. and Valerie Dean O'Loughlin. Human Anatomy. Fifth Edition, McGraw-Hill, 2017.

#mohg #elden ring #dont @ me about typos istg i spent so long on this

390 notes · View notes

hanafubukki · 2 months

Text

Diasomnia: Throw Away Your Mask

Book 7 and Persona 5 spoilers ahead

So I’ve been listening to the Persona 5 soundtrack.

There’s a song called Throw Away Your Mask and it is such a Diasomnia core and especially Malleus esque song. It truly speaks about how Malleus feels and his actions. Please give it a listen, it’s such a bop.

The lyrics:

I listened to this song and I was astounded at how relatable it is to Malleus and his message to Silver and Lilia.

It just requires guidance from above

We don't need to have this conflict

'Cause I can take you to the place of delight

Give peace of mind to the whole world

Here we can see how Malleus tells his feelings and thoughts. Why live in a world of conflict? Why fight? Malleus, with this power that he thought was useless before, can give you peace and happiness.

Don't sleep through dreams that can come true

No more tears shall drop from your cheeks anymore

You won't need to strive for greatness

Believe in me that you don't need to suffer from anything

Now these lyrics are Malleus' words to Silver. Malleus OB because of Silver, it was him crying that finally broke Malleus. Malleus is soothing Silver in these lyrics as he has once done when Silver was a baby.

“Don’t cry Silver,” he says, “You don’t need to try so hard anymore.” Malleus tried to soothe him, tells Silver he could be happy with Lilia. He doesn’t need to struggle with these feelings anymore. It will be alright. Malleus will handle it so Silver won’t have these worries and struggles and he can live a happy life with Lilia.

Big Brother will take care of it. 🥹😭

You can throw your mask away, no more pretending

You've been tied down for the longest of the time, be free

You deserve better, you should forever be

These lyrics! The way I can interpret these lyrics in so many ways!!

But these lyrics stands out to me as Malleus’ message to Lilia.

Malleus is telling Lilia that it’s okay. You can take off your mask. You don’t have to be worried about keeping up a facade.

But also, Lilia doesn’t have to be tied down anymore. Namely, Lilia doesn’t have to be tied down to Malleus anymore. He can be free.

We have seen how Malleus disregarded how his hatching was Lilia’s happiest moment. In these lyrics it also speaks how Malleus believes he is the ball and chain to Lilia.

It was because of him that Lilia has suffered so now Lilia can be free. Let him live a happy dream with his family or let him have a peaceful life with Silver. Let him be happy and free from the suffering that Malleus has caused.

That Lilia deserves better than the suffering that was brought about because of Malleus’ birth. So now, be happy. He’ll make it so Lilia has his happiest dream.

There’s also a character in the Persona 5 series that’s similar to Malleus, his name is Takuto Maruki.

Maruki is a psychologist who lost his wife. He ended up in a high school to help teenagers. He is great at his job. He truly helped them and cared for them. He ended up getting a persona and made it so all their dreams came true, but at the cost of their free will.

What makes this “villain” so well written and likable is he honestly was trying to help in his own way. He wanted them happy. Even the protagonists questioned if what they were doing was right.

Just like Silver and Sebek, the protagonist wondered if taking away this happiness was the right thing to do. And they fought back because it wasn’t right to take people’s will away.

But they never said that Maruki was wrong or evil, after all, he just wanted to help and heal the pain of others so they wouldn’t suffer. And in this case, you can see where Malleus and Maruki are similar.

Just like Maruki, Malleus doesn’t want his loved ones to cry and be in pain anymore. He is doing everything in his power just for that reason alone. It will cost him his life but at least they will be happy.

Can you really call him a villain then? When all he wanted was the happiness of his loved ones. Something that we all want?

I am curious to see how they end book 7 because in Persona 5, Maruki and the protagonist had a fist fight before both just fell exhausted.

When Maruki almost fell to his death, the MC saved him even as he begged to be let go.

I can see a similar take with Silver and Malleus. Both of them saving each other. One holding on and the other not letting go.

There’s a line that I think fit for both Malleus and Silver that Maruki told the MC.

“I said I’m done. Please let go of my hand.”

I can see Mallejs saying these lines to Silver, beaten and tired. He’s done. Everything he has tried was rejected by those he loved. He’s done, but Silver won’t let go.

“Your eyes are as bright and honest as ever. You keep your head up no matter what. I must have always been afraid that you and I wouldn’t wish for the same reality.”

Malleus telling Silver how bright and honest he is. How Silver has always done what is right. But Malleus was afraid, this entire time, Malleus was afraid of loss and being alone. How Malleus might have known that Silver would be the one to not want this perfect reality Malleus made.

And in time, he would be stopped. Thus, Malleus would also have to come to terms with his reality. Not only loosing Lilia, but all the future losses as well, and in the end, he would be alone as he always has been.

And it just?? Ahhh, just thinking about book 7 ending and the potential??? My heart hurts thinking about it. 😭💔

[Here's another post if you want to read more Twst x Persona]

#malleus draconia #lilia vanrouge #twst silver #persona x twst #twisted wonderland #disney twst #twst #twst theory #twst theories #twst analysis #twst character analysis #silver vanrouge #diasomnia #twst book 7 #twst lilia #twst malleus #twst malleus draconia

72 notes · View notes

crownmemes · 4 months

Text

Curious Sentences, Vol. 2

(Sentences from various sources for muses that are curious about each other. Adjust phrasing where needed)

"Do you believe in the existence of extraterrestrials?"

"So, how's your cooking?"

"Do you believe in the soul?"

"So you'll risk the consequences even though there may be nothing here?"

"Psychologists make you angry, don't they? Why is that?"

"What are you asking for? Mercy or forgiveness?"

"How do you know my name?"

"What is your plan, by the way?"

"Does it ever bother you? Being alone?"

"You spent all of five minutes with them. How do you know that?"

"Why do you have such a fear of intimacy?"

"Why? What are you afraid of?"

"Am I the love of your life?"

"How come you don't believe me?"

"You know everything that goes on around here, don't you?"

"What do you spend your money on?"

"Have you ever worn a dress?"

"Where were you last night?"

"Have you lived a lonely life?"

"So, who did you tick off to get stuck with this?"

"Look, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important."

"How come you don't carry a gun anymore?"

"Why are you so paranoid?"

"You've always said that you want to believe, but believe in what?"

"What do you do when you get home?"

"How do you know these things?"

"Why are you endangering your life by coming here?"

"Is that what you really believe?"

"I didn't know you could draw?"

"Why can't you just go for the simple answer?"

"You're good with kids. Do you have any?"

"Have you got a girl in there?"

"Well, aren't you going to invite me in?"

#rp meme #rp memes #roleplay meme #roleplay memes #rp prompts #roleplay prompts #sentence starters #assorted;#curious;

99 notes · View notes

vicyvn · 2 months

Text

I love how Apo processes the outside world, accepts his inner world, and separates but reconciles these two together.

I love watching MileApo's deep talks and both of their mindsets intrigue me. As for Apo, he often gives me an immense sense of acceptance and empathy for the self that I - an outsider - also feel validated and healed.

As a psychotherapist, the things I cherish the most when I sit with my clients in each session are congruence and authentic. These 2 virtues aren’t only ‘I telling the truth’, ‘I don’t lie to you', but also ‘I’m honest with myself’, ‘I know what I’m feeling & I’ll embrace it fully'. To me, a person's sincerity with themselves is even more important than what they say to outsiders – because people can only be honest with themselves when they know their self clearly and can accept the ugliest, most gentle, most fragile part deep inside their soul.

Sound easy, right? Everyone says ‘Accept yourself!”, “Be yourself!”; but the thing is not many people know who they are to accept and be themselves. Why? Because humans are heavily influenced by society, education, and relationships. This is very good since we are social entities that can only thrive surrounded by other people. But the flip side of this is that many times we don't know what are others' characters, what are ours; and there are times when we have a hunch that what people push on us isn't right, but we don't dare, or don't know how to get rid of that 'not right' feeling. As a result, we are confused and miserable without understanding what is going on with and within us. It takes a lot of courage and practice to be able to really listen and be faithful to oneself; thereby knowing who I really am, being real with myself, and limiting the influence of others on me.

With Apo, through what he shared, I can see that freedom plays an important role in the process of growing up, especially freedom of will. He is independent, disciplined, stable, and confident in the path he decides. He also understands very clearly what he lacks and what he needs to do to push himself without becoming self-destructive - my favorite psychologist once said "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change" and Apo is the personification of this sentence.

Apo is so real that it makes me feel both close and far away. He lives in his own world, he knows which part can be opened to invite others in, which part he will need to take care of and protect more carefully - Only those who truly understand and cherish themselves can do that. When I work, Apo-like clients are the most interesting and I also learn a lot from them. For me, Apo is really a wonder.

#Apo Nattawin #kinnporche the series #MileApo #kp cast #I wrote this once before on twitter #Now I re-word a bit and post it here #Apo is such an interesting existence that I want to write a whole thesis abt him #Instead of finishing the book that I'm working on

52 notes · View notes

bi-bard · 1 year

Text

Misdiagnosis - James Wilson Imagine (House M.D)

Title: Misdiagnosis

Pairing: James Wilson X Reader

Word Count: 1,108 words

Warning(s): none that I'm aware of

Summary: [Season 4, Episode 9] After discovering he had misdiagnosed a patient, Wilson is left in a spiral of thoughts. (Y/n) tries to pull him out of it.

Author's Note: A while ago, I had a House MD OC. I deleted it because I wasn't happy with it. The planning was shaky, and I didn't really like the OC's storyline. So, I went back, I replanned it, and now we have a better House MD OC that I am much happier with. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

FIND MORE OF THIS OC BY CLICKING HERE

-----------------------------

It wasn't common that Greg voiced his concerns to me.

Even when he did, he was never clear about them. He acted like he didn't care and was just making jokes about other people's misery. I could usually see through it.

So, when he came in joking about how James was going to be sued by a patient because the patient was going to live, I understood what he was saying.

"And why did you tell that patient that they had a solid case," I asked, folding my hands together and resting my chin on them.

He dramatically scoffed. "You think it's me?"

"You have very weird ways of intervening when you think someone is being stupid," I shrugged. "Plus, no lawyer would actually tell him that he had an actual case because he was going to live."

House sighed and plopped onto the chair on the other side of my desk.

"Now, why did you do that?"

"Because Wilson was being an idiot," he explained.

"More detail, please."

"He was going to pay that man because he gave that man good news."

"And now, you're here because you want me to go get him to agree with you?"

"Use your psychologist babble."

"You can't only acknowledge my job when you need me to do something."

"I can if I'm asking you to help our friend avoid becoming self-destructive."

"Self-destructive?"

"You won't know for sure unless you talk to him."

Greg pushed himself out of the chair and walked out of my office. I let out a huff and shook my head. He knew exactly how to get under my skin. Asshole.

I found myself outside James's office a little while later. I sighed before knocking on the door. He pulled the door open.

"How did one of you learn to knock and the other one sometimes climbs across to my balcony," James asked.

I just shrugged. He motioned for me to walk in. I took a moment to look out at the balcony once I had.

"You could put tinfoil along the top," I said. James had his eyebrows furrowed when I looked at him. "Like when you have a cat that keeps jumping onto your counter. You put tinfoil along the top and something about the noise spooks them."

"Are you comparing your brother to a cat?"

"It's probably the nicest thing I've compared him to."

James laughed and shook his head, going to walk back to his desk.

"Were you really going to pay a patient for giving him good news," I asked.

He paused, looking at me for a moment before speaking, "House sent you here?"

"He said you were becoming self-destructive," I replied. "Not that I really believe him, but I was very curious-"

"It was 6,000 dollars-"

"Why?" my eyes went wide.

"I... I gave him six months to live," he explained. "He needed the money after he sold his house. He had a trip to Venice planned! I... I wanted to help him."

"This is about the false positive patient?"

"Yes!"

I sighed. "Okay..."

"Don't psychoanalyze me."

"Your guilt surrounding your patients is unhealthy-"

"(Y/n)!"

"Listen to me," I stepped forward and leaned on the desk. "I can't say why, but I think you're feeling unnecessary guilt around events that aren't your fault."

"I gave that man the wrong diagnosis-"

"Because of a false positive," I replied. "At the end of the day, medicine is a field with very little control. I think your guilt is an attempt to control what you can't."

He didn't respond to that.

"I should know... I deal with the human psyche," I shrugged. "Even more variables than the physical body."

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Wrong diagnoses happen," I continued. "Sometimes they're completely out of our control. And sometimes they work out for the better, sometimes they don't. This last patient was one of the good outcomes, no matter how that man sees it. You cannot control the actions of another person when they believe that they are facing the end of their life or how they choose to handle learning that they aren't. You are not responsible for that. You are responsible for giving that man the correct diagnosis. That's it."

James continued looking at me for a moment before sighing and responding, "I see why Cuddy hired you."

"She does better with two voices of reason than one."

He grinned at me. I pushed myself back, so I was standing up straight again.

"So, do I still have to worry about you becoming self-destructive," I asked.

He scoffed. "I'm not the self-destructive one in your life."

"Yeah, but you're more willing to let people help you," I replied.

I opened my arms and waved him over. He raised an eyebrow at me. I just waved him over again.

He walked over and let me pull him into a hug.

"You're doing a good job, James," I muttered. "I promise."

"Thanks," he mumbled before stepping back and grinning at me. "You have no idea how much hearing that means to me."

I don't think I could've formed a good response to that statement. I don't know if there was one. Saying something like "you're welcome" risked the chance of looking egotistical. Trying to shrug it off could've looked ungrateful. No response felt like it was good enough.

I didn't have to worry about that for long.

I barely had a moment to overthink my response before James leaned over and pressed his lips to mine.

I leaned back a few seconds later out of complete shock.

"I... I'm sorry," he said immediately. "I... I don't know why I did that-"

"It's okay," I stopped him. I started walking toward the door. "Really, it's fine. Just fine. I just... I have a lot of work to do. This was meant to be a quick visit. I'll... I'll see you later."

"(Y/n)-"

"I'll see you later," I repeated before leaving and closing the door behind me.

I looked around, feeling like everyone knew what happened or could easily figure it out by looking at me. I shook my head. Spotlight effect. I knew that.

"Shit," I muttered to myself before running my hands over my face and starting to walk back to my office.

It wasn't that the kiss was bad. It was the exact opposite. It was perfect. That was the problem.

It felt like years of friendship were teetering very delicately on a rope and whatever happened in James's office tried to push it off. And I couldn't tell if I would've been upset but that idea or not.

And that terrified me.

-----------------------------

Navigation Guide

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

#dr james wilson fanfiction #dr james wilson imagine #dr james wilson x reader #james wilson x reader #james wilson fanfiction #james wilson imagine #house md x reader #house md imagine #house md fanfiction #house imagine #house fanfiction #house x reader #imagine #fanfiction #x reader

455 notes · View notes

thecatslug · 4 months

Text

I, Strahd: Depression, Psychosis, and Mental Health

Today I am going over how and where severe depression comes up in I, Strahd (1 and 2). We’ll look at what is wrong with him psychologically, explain the ‘diagnoses’, and go over where this can be seen in the novels.

In I, Strahd (1&2), two forces completely sway every facet of the story: The Dark Powers (TDP), and Strahd’s own fractured psyche. The former can be shooed to the realms of DM knowledge, but the latter casts a shadow over all of Strahd’s actions in the novels.So, when examining these books, we must either ignore his mind and get an inaccurate view of events, or deep-dive into his mental-health and learn to view the novels with such a lens in mind.

Welcome to Series 1; Strahd’s crippling depression

“Blackness surged up and clouded my brain for a time. This had happened before and was now becoming more frequent. I had thought it was simple illness before realizing it was but another part of my growing despair." (I, Strahd, p. 125)

Table of Contents: 1 -> Disclaimers to cover my ass and content warnings to cover yours 2 -> The actual essay on his depression (what y’all are here for) (a) we’ll tell you what is up with him (b) we’ll explain the ‘diagnosis’, (c) we’ll finish with where we see this in the novels (i.e., our reasoning) 3 -> Our sources, further reading, and resources 4 -> My rambling authors note

== Disclaimers and Content Warning: ==

My background on the subject: I am by no means a professional psychologist, but I am in training to be one. I also have extensive experience in writing for mentally ill characters, and neurotically strive for accurate portrayals. Indeed, it has become somewhat of a side hobby to prep for and run NPCs that grapple with themes of mental illness; a core theme which is present in most (if not all) of the games I run. Beyond this- haphazard “resume” if you will, I personally fall into the category of what some people term “severe mental illness”. I have bipolar II disorder, which is characterized by periods of extreme depression and mild (hypo)mania. Unlike bipolar I, which is characterized by full-blown mania. And, while every person is different, and this by no means denotes expertise, sometimes having an inside perspective sheds a lot of new light on the media we consume.

Disclaimer: What this is: The essay below is purely for entertainment purposes for nerds who enjoy literature and this setting. It is meant to be a supplement for DMs who write for Strahd, and an interesting insight for everyone whose curious about the NPC. What this isn’t: The content below does not reflect everyone’s experience with the disorder, nor is it meant to be a professional info-dump. My word is not law, nor is it claiming to be 100% professionally accurate. This is also not professional advice nor a guide for those struggling with mental health. If you are struggling with any of the difficulties described below, I have resources in section 3 to take a poke at.

Trigger/Content warning: We’re talking about severe mental illness in the context of ravenloft. It’s already a bleak topic and now just wrapped in depression: the game setting. Because we’re using I, Strahd (1&2) as our main focus, I have to put in a CW for suicide. Because we’re covering depression in these books, there’s a general CW for the topic, along with a CW for discussions of psychosis and agitated states. (TL;dr: Suicide, depression, psychosis and agitated states)

== I, Strahd: Diagnosis, Explanation, & Reasoning ==

“Secret and safe in some hidden cache within me, the blackness was always ready to rush forth and resume gnawing at my soul like a starved monster.” (I, Strahd, p. 125-126)

{ I } ‘What’s Wrong’ Strahd likely has major depressive disorder (MDD) with mixed-features and psychotic features.

{ II } ‘What this means’ [1] Depression is far more diverse than most realize. It is not merely feeling extremely sad, exhausted, or melancholic. Nor is it always coupled with suicidality. Depression is also not only isolated episodes or only long term/persistent. For some people it can come episodically (MDD), for others it can be lowgrade and chronic over time (persistent depressive disorder (PDD)), and some individuals can suffer from a mix of both. Symptoms can also ebb and change over time, some individuals may go into remission, others may have increasing severity or begin having chronic issues, etc. etc.

(TL;dr: depression is pretty diverse so leave preconceived notions at the door, and remember that Strahd’s issues don’t reflect everyones struggles.)

Below I’ll be talking about two ‘features’ in depression. Mixed-features and psychotic features are essentially ways to describe a sub-cluster of symptoms that individuals can suffer from during depressive episodes (namely with MDD). An individual who suffers from various depressive ‘features’ might not suffer from them during every single depressive episode.

Finally, I’d like to note that an individual does not have to suffer from every single symptom to be considered depressed or to fit the criteria of certain features. Instead, there’s usually a minimum number of symptoms that must be met, alongside making sure context is taken into account, and how much those symptoms impair an individual’s functioning.

[2] Mixed-features (aka ‘agitated depression’)

Individuals during a mixed-features depressive episode experience the ‘usual’ depressive symptoms. They can feel: Hopeless, apathetic, struggle to enjoy life experiences/unable to feel pleasure (anhedonia), feel extreme sadness or low mood, etc. However, alongside these usual depressive symptoms, they can experience: Racing thoughts, extreme physical restlessness, a chronic sense of being ‘on edge’, become impulsive, suffer from angry outbursts, and more.

A good example I’ll use is from my own experience with mixed-state depressive episodes, to help give the gist of how this looks:

Mixed-feature depressive states, for me, felt like my skin was crawling. I couldn’t stop thinking, my thoughts became a jumbled stream that needed to be vented or I’d explode. I felt constantly ready to snap at people because of that inner tension, coupled with a severe inability to simply feel happy, to enjoy anything, to have the motivation to even consider talking with or dealing with people. I felt miserable but, instead of simply wanting to curl up and sleep, my mind and body turned me into some depressed knockoff sonic. I couldn’t sit and not in a hyperactive sense, but in the sense that the inner tension was pushing me into a state of constant pacing or activity. When I’m depressed, I tend to cling to escapism to try and ride out the gloom. During a mixed state, escapism takes on a frenetic quality. I have the energy to do things and need to vent the restlessness. And, I have the impulsivity and lack of mental clarity to launch into clearly stupid endeavors as if they were the most logical thing in the world. Mixed states are like running down a steep slope while sleep deprived. Gravity is pulling you forward, so stopping quite literally isn’t an option- even as your body screams in exhaustion. To people externally, you look like you’re simply a runner- you’re not curled up in a puddle of tears like the titular picture of depression. But, internally, it’s all still there- the apathy, the misery. Except even you don’t necessarily have a moment to focus on the sorrow- because you’re too busy half tumbling down the mountainside.

(¹Individuals with depression (namely MDD) and individuals with bipolar disorder can both experience ‘mixed-features’ during depressive states. The difference is merely that individuals with depression don’t have separate manic episodes. Basically, both disorders suffer from depressive phases and those depressive phases can sometimes come with ‘mixed-features’.)

[3] Psychotic features (‘psychotic depression’) Depression with psychotic features is very different from the psychosis in schizophrenia. Psychosis itself is not a disorder, it is a symptom cluster in which the brain loses contact with reality. Psychosis generally presents with delusions (thoughts or beliefs that unlikely or untrue) and/or hallucinations (these can be visual, auditory, tactile, etc. or a combination).

The difference between depression with psychotic features, and schizophrenia is that individuals with schizophrenia experience psychosis even when they are not depressed. An individual with MDD with psychotic features experiences delusions and/or hallucinations only during their depressive episode.

These delusions and hallucinations can be mood congruent or mood incongruent. That’s a fancy way of saying they can either relate to depressive themes (death, personal failure, guilt, etc.) or they do not relate to depressive themes.

A more ‘typical’ example of psychotic depression would be an individual with the symptoms of depression (low mood, lethargy, feelings of lack of self worth, hopelessness) alongside psychotic features such as being fully convinced they are to blame for an event, or that they are going to die of a disease.

{ III } Reasoning: Where we see it in the book

[1] Depression in general Strahd, in general, is a rather blunt, deadpan, and nihilistic person. He’s an introvert, whose sense of humor generally consists of dark cryptic jokes or dryly bitching about some aspect of life. However, despite his- and most Barovians’- gloomy predispositions, there’s still a distinct difference between ‘Strahd just being Strahd’ and ‘Strahd is currently a dumpster fire’. (I.e., we can’t simply pawn off his ‘struggles’ as mere quirks of personality).

Furthermore, Strahd’s depressive issues are not isolated to after Barovia was slurped into ravenloft. Tatyana dying wasn’t simply what made him sad for eternity. This issue, was preexisting.

The following quote from I, Strahd (1) is a solid foundation for where the depression factors in before the fall of the demiplane:

“…my passion for war and obedience to duty had swept me from the home of my childhood, never to return. I had not seen my younger brother Sturm grow up, or been there for Sergei’s birth or for any of the thousand other joys that a man might take from the heart of his family. I had not even been able to attend the burial of our parents, four years past. Their deaths had occurred during the height of a particularly close and bitter campaign, and I could not be spared. I’d yet to see their graves. In some part of my mind, they were still alive as I’d last seen them three decades ago; Sergei’s presence had driven home the fact that this was not true.” (I, Strahd, p.64-65)

In the early book, before Tatyana is even in the picture, Strahd has a tendency to go on these wordy internal monologues about rather dark topics or observations about his life. He also has a pattern of these smatterings of melancholic, irritable, or angered internal commentary all cast in a very nihilistic haze. In a sense, there’s a lot of documented intrusive thoughts or preoccupations that get stamped aside to deal with whatever bullshit he’s currently tackling.

(And remember, as this is his journals’ narration, he’s very actively describing his thought processes from recent experiences. Along with scribbling down side commentary in his usual, rambling, stream of consciousness style.)

The quote I chose above^ is from an exchange between Strahd and Sergei. It’s one of their first times really ever speaking with each other one on one since Sergei’s arrival. It mostly consists of the pair making small talk about snippets of their past apart. Strahd, being Strahd, kicks the conversation off with a very dry joke about their dead parents. From there, it’s mostly downhill internally even as the spoken and external aspects of the conversation are rather mundane. It’s several pages of deadpan bitterness mostly consisting of commentary on their differences in upbringing and Strahd remarking on how, in comparison, he’s really lost a lot of what Sergei has (namely innocence and the ability to produce serotonin).

Exchanges like these are what I know a lot of people read as Strahd being self-absorbed, whiny, and self-pitying. And that’s exactly what it is! Except, the cause isn’t fully just selfishness.

By the start of I, Strahd- our titular future dark lord has come off of essentially a lifetime of combat and into the static peace of a dawning rulership. He’s spent a lifetime shoving things aside in order to keep moving forward. Now, those thoughts are catching up with him.

For, indeed, the exchange above blatantly admits that he’s barely even processed the death of his parents four years ago. Sergei's arrival is merely a catalyst after what has likely already been a steadily declining period for Strahd. Sergei puts into perspective a lot of things he’s never dealt with- and does so amidst a period where he’s already beginning to backslide. After all, It’s hard to try avoiding thinking about your complete loss of innocence and loveless childhood- when you’re standing next to the family member that isn’t traumatized.

As a person with depression, I can vouch firsthand for how self-absorbed one can become. And whiny. And self-pitying. You get stuck in your head as everything begins weighing you down- to the exclusion of the outside world. So, as ‘whiny’ as his exchanges can appear, they’re understandable. These are his inner thoughts and ruminations on topics which are already deeply depressing on a normal level. And the ruminations spiral further and further out of control as the book goes on.

[2] Mixed-features From this point on, things go downhill- and go downhill fast. His side-commentary rants grow more and more frequent as he begins to ruminate further and further on various topics. Externally his mood takes a bit more of a sour turn, to the point that he even notes the vaguely concerned commentary of others.

By the time Tatyana enters the picture, he’s stuck in his head. After she’s on stage, his behavior becomes objectively abnormal and worrying. He becomes obsessive, to put it mildly, and erratic.

In mixed depressive states (and in hypomanic/manic episodes for bipolar folks), there’s a symptom cluster I’ve held off on covering until now (for dramatic effect, ofc): - Increase in energy or goal-directed activity - Increased or excessive involvement in activities that have a high potential for painful consequences

For those in a mixed-feature depressive episode that suffer from these symptoms, you’ll see an ability to commit to and methodically complete some goal. They’ll have the energy to do so and do so with almost neurotic abandon. You’ll also see them plunge into extremely risky activities or set off towards goals that are clearly a very bad idea. The way I like to describe it is that, in such a state, self-control goes out the window and everything seems like a totally plausible and great idea. It’s like removing the brakes from a car that’s heading down a mountain. There’s no real stopping. There’s just steering towards whatever looks best.

I, Strahd, Part II, chapter 4 is possibly the best unintentional literary portrayal of a mixed-features depressive state that I’ve ever come across. We see him obsessively working to find some sort of magical solution to his Tatyana problem. The recounting of this event coincides with a stream-of-consciousness commentary that grows more out of touch with reality by the minute.

It begins with a blowout fight between Strahd and Lady Illona. Lady Illona attempts to confront Strahd about a previous blowup he’d had over Tatyana and Sergei gifting expensive jewelry to a peasant. The previous exchange had already been uncharacteristic of the man but his fight with Illona- though it openly ends with minimal damage- was internally out of left field.

“Anger such as I’d never known before burned through me from the bones outward. I felt that if I held on long enough to the chair arms, they would kindle into flame from the heat.” (I, Strahd, p. 121)

His rambling internal thought process transitions from his irritation with Tatyana to a convoluted path of fractured logic. I’m going to give you a very janky outline of the thought process which spans the first 5 pages of the chapter, to exemplify the racing thoughts and erratic behavior:

Tatyana+Sergei give necklace to peasant -> peasant may just be taking advantage of their charity -> [insert spontaneous angry outburst] -> [Insert another spontaneous angry outburst] -> she shouldn’t have done that because it was stupid and I also gave them the necklace -> she’s naïve and needs guidance from someone that’s not an idiot -> You know whose also an idiot? Sergei -> yo sergei might actually just get completely shivved for being too nice -> God that’d be really sad for Tatyana -> damn they’ll be leaving after the wedding -> I could convince them to stay -> god I’m fucking jealous of Sergei -> God I really like tatyana -> [>out-of-nowhere paragraph about crippling depression<] -> one page of random observations about the castle rn -> Alek fun facts -> you know what alek got me once? Books, magic books -> [*Immediately tangents off to go neurotically study them*] (I, Strahd p. 119-124)

Strahd is a strange person overall. However, he’s not this strange. Not consistently, at least. In the book, before Sergei and Tatyana were on scene (i.e., before his mental state began to tank), we really don’t see any behavior to this degree of unhinged. The writing itself also physically becomes increasingly more erratic as his mental state declines. The way his prose is structured, especially during Part II, Chapter 4, fluctuates rapidly between rambling paragraphs with barely cohesive themes to short staccato sentences of random thought and observation.

(TL;dr: he wasn’t this weird before. This abrupt shift is abnormal and is telltale evidence that he’s in an altered mental state)

[3] Psychotic features I hesitated adding the section at first, because this is where the lines between reality, psychosis, and magic blur. However, after a great deal of agonizing over my Word doc, I decided to keep this section in.

Because of the nature of psychosis, and because the only recounting we have is from his point of view, we will never be able to truly know what was, and was not, the product of The Dark Powers (TDP). Specifically, this dilemma arises when discussing hallucinations. However, it can also be seen in certain delusions as well.

Before the point in the chapter where voices begin to speak to him out of the darkness, we do see signs of preceding delusional thought processes. This is yet another blurred line; as the racing thoughts and impulsivity of a mixed state and the beginnings of a truly delusional belief intermingle. The latter certainly evolved from the former. What was likely the impulsive internal ramblings of a declining mind evolved into a cemented believe that is utterly out of touch with reality. Of course, I speak of his obsession with Tatiana and his perception of her. Though, I think we can all agree that it worsened in warped closer to the wedding he drew. And, after the wedding, became irrevocably nonsensical.

What I do not term as delusion is his idea that resorting to dark magic was the best way to deal with his “Tatyana problem”. This more exemplifies the “rationally irrational” thinking of a mixed state. There is still a grounding in reality. Using dark magic is a realistic option, it does avoid having to actively do something horrid to other people (or, it did initially). However, it also runs the risk of irrevocably fucking him over in some unseen, cosmic way. But, this is where the impulsivity comes in. The brakes are off the car. That road looked like a good idea in the moment, even though he flew straight past the ‘cliff ahead’ sign.

““That’s a very old book, you should handle it more carefully.” The voice- coming from everywhere and nowhere- took me cold.” (I, Strahd, p. 129)

Throughout the rest of the chapter, and then the rest of the book, and then the next book, and, ultimately, the eternity of his existence– voices periodically surface during his deep depressive states.

I would certainly term the hallucinations, if that’s what some of them are, as mood congruent. They arise in moments of true despair or panic during his less than lucid states. Tatiana’s death, for example, elicits a truly horrifying internal cacophony of laughter and other skin crawling things. Indeed, these moments are among the most chilling across all of the Ravenloft Dark Lord novels. And, or certainly the most chilling and I, Strahd (1&2).

Strahd certainly suffers from depressive delusions, that is some thing I personally don’t see as up for debate. Indeed, this rambling paper alone barely scratches the surface of examples in the books.

Hallucinations, however, are lost in a grey area that even I cannot wholly detangle. So, the best we can afford is speculation.

(TL;dr: he meets the criteria for depression with psychotic features overall, but whether or not he hallucinates is up in the air)

Are they Hallucinations or TDP? I will keep this section short, because it is speculative in the end. And, I encourage y’all to puzzle it over yourselves, as it is a truly interesting dilemma.

Personally, I do think he may have moments of hallucination. However, TDP can easily latch onto these moments and make them far far worse. They can also keep him guessing as to what is him going mad and what is their meddling taunts. A lot of his ‘hallucinations’ are dark powers, especially during the events surrounding the wedding night. Afterwards, however, there are certainly moments that I could see being merely crafted by his own despair.

The second novel, one which I find to be the most entertaining comedy in the Ravenloft pantheon, begins with a suicide attempt.

I’m not going to recount this in detail or put quotes in, the novel is accessible online if you’d like to read in detail, however, essentially consists of Strahd throwing himself from a high place after the death of yet another Tatyana.

This moment is significant in Ravenloft 2e’s history, because it is the first time we learned that a dark Lord cannot die. However, is still a suicide attempt and the imagery and auditory hallucinations surrounding it are subtle enough to where they could very well be sourced merely from his own mind. And not the dark powers.

Suicidal Ideation in I, Strahd: War Against Azalin Rounding out on a happy note, I wanted to take a brief moment to talk about the aforementioned suicide attempt. In the latter half of the first novel, Strahd essentially spends several years in a deep depressive slump locked in his castle. Thoughts of despair are rarely far from the page, however, we never see any active attempts to end things. This changes in the second novel and sets an unsettling precedent.

In the grand scheme of things, his initial attempt takes place fairly early in the history of 2e Ravenloft. Indeed, he hadn’t even met the likes of Madam Eva. And this is worrying, because it sets a precedent of suicidal ideation and self harm practically from the beginning- long before adventurers even have an inkling of the mists, let alone find themselves ensnared by them.

Into “modern nights” he likely still struggles with such tendencies during depressive episodes. After all, Strahd is in an environment which actively seeks to eviscerate everyone’s mental well-being. Because of this, it would essentially take an act of god to wrench him from depressive cycling. But the gods cannot save you in Ravenloft, especially not in second edition¹.

And so, Strahd is left with probably the most unseen aspect of his curse: the inability to truly be free of despair.

== Sources, Further Reading, and Resources ==

🦇Ravenloft Sources: I, Strahd: The Memoirs of a Vampire. P.N. Elrod (1993) I, Strahd: The War Against Azalin. P.N. Elrod (1998) ¹Domains of Dread. William W. Connors & Steve Miller (1997) 🔬Non-Ravenloft Sources used: (I suggest poking the links in yellow for further reading if you're curious!) - American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). doi link - Hooley, J. M., Nock, M., & Butcher, J. N. (2021). Abnormal psychology. Pearson. - Koukopoulos, A., & Koukopoulos, A. (1999). Agitated depression as a mixed state and the problem of melancholia. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 22(3), 547- 564. doi link - Gillette, H. (2021, December 22). Agitated depression: Definition, symptoms, and treatments. Psych Central. Website link - Major depression with psychotic features. Mount Sinai Health System. (n.d.-b). Website link - Black, R. (2022, September 14). Psychotic depression: What it is and what you should know. Psycom. Website Link

🧠 Mental Health Resources: Feeling agitated, scattered, or having low mood doesn't necessarily mean one is suffering from a depressive disorder. Life is rough, sadness and rough patches are part of the gig. However, if you, or someone you know, are considering self-harm or experiencing suicidal ideation, you aren't alone. I am not a professional, but here are immediate resources: Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours a day at 800-273-8255. Text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.

== My Obligatory Rambling Author's Note ==

Hey, congratulations on making it all the way through! Have a croissant 🥐 I've had this post in the works for... 2 years now? And I will say, I'm glad I waited to scrape things together. I've gained a lot of perspective and knowledge which has helped me hone this... rambling word vomit into a cohesive(ish) form.

"It wasn’t until college that I realized why I, Strahd had almost eerily familiar undertones to it all. Indeed, the prelude to that fated wedding gave almost a strange sense of DeJa’Vu when reading it for the first time in late high school. After I was diagnosed with bipolar II during the summer between freshman and sophomore year, I finally had the words and context to realize why things looked so eerily familiar. The sudden erratic turn to a goal or obsession out of left field, the nights spent feverishly, methodically, hurtling towards some clearly delusional doom as if it were the most logical thing in the world? I’d seen facets of it before many, many times. And I’d also seen the crippling, self-destructive, anguish of deep depression." (Scrapped draft, p. 9-10)

All of us have that one character in literature/film/tv that's just... special or impactful. Whatever arcs or journeys they've followed have somehow personally touched us and come at an important time in our lives. They're special in a way that's hard to articulate. Unfortunately, Strahd happens to be mine- and it's largely because of the everything^^^ mentioned above (minus the psychosis, I thankfully have been spared that struggle).

I have yet to come across another character that struggles with mixed-features in depression, to this degree. But beyond that, I also bumped into I, Strahd (and Strahd as an NPC via the CoS module) when I was in high school. This was a time where I was beginning to subclinically cycle through lowgrade depressive and hypomanic episodes. It was a very dark time, and that hot mess of an NPC happened to be one of the few things that was more of a hot mess than I was. As bad as things got, especially in early college before I was medicated, at least I never plunged my house into a demiplane- ya know?

It's strange what we take small comforts in. But, it's too late to pick a different one. I'm already too deep in the vintage Ravenloft book collection to turn back now. That, and, when you struggle with something oddly niche? You take the rep where you can. Even if that "where" happens to be a generally villainous dark lord with the social graces of a irritable toad.

Any ways, thanks for sticking with this! I know it's long, depressing (no duh) and a bit incohesive. I'm a dyslexic writer, so, cohesion can be a bit difficult at times. If I have time, I will do a part 2 on analyzing his illness' implications on the books (namely his culpability in stuff). And a part 3 on writing for/running this type of mental illness, if folks are interested. I've been running this strange creature for... many years now. And have good writing samples from pbp games i've run for folks looking for inspo on how to pull off the... the everything above^

- Catslug

#in this essay i will #strahd von zarovich #strahd #curse of strahd #ravenloft #dnd #dungeon master #ravenloft2e #catslug essay #dungeons and dragons homebrew

53 notes · View notes

site666 · 3 months

Text

Like A Dog

ok first time posting a drabble lets go. honestly quite terrified to post

present hcs: trans glass, bright with inhuman features..?? kinda (hes got pointy ass teefs and red eyes)

implied bright/glass but can be read as platonic

anyways ... i love dog symbolism a lot

Jack Bright stares at his face in the mirror, half shaved and absolutely not his. As he stares into the eyes of the face he controls, he feels he’s looking into the eyes of another, because, really, he is. He can’t recognize himself. Not even as he slowly drags the razor along his cheek, his eyes unfocused as his reflection shifts and sneers at him. He’s too busy staring into dead, watery red eyes, eyes he has no business seeing. With a jolt of brief pain that brings him back, he winces as he had nicked his cheek. He turns the squeaky faucet on and quickly throws some cold water over the sliver in his cheek.

And, fuck, those eyes really aren’t his. Neither are the hands that rub water into the cut on someone else’s face.

He startles as he hears the bathroom door creak open, turning to face a mildly surprised Simon Glass. Bright gives a hesitant wave before the therapist speaks. “Shaving in the men’s room again?” Glass asks softly, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Didn’t have time.” Bright mutters, looking away. His eyes — someone’s eyes — drift back up to the reflection in the mirror. He sees Glass. He sees a man. He doesn’t see himself.

“You look… inquisitive.” The psychologist notes, tilting his head slightly and keeping his distance.

“You ever look at yourself and think, wow, that is NOT me, or is that just a me thing?” Bright asks bitterly. He doesn’t look at Glass.

The other man approaches now, just a few steps, and he looks in the mirror at himself next to Bright. “I see… my physical body… and I’m fairly certain that’s me.” He faces Bright with curious, pale blue eyes that are simply the exact opposite of the scientist’s bold red ones. “When I was younger I didn’t like to see my reflection, because I didn’t want to look like a little girl.”

“That’s different.”

“Not really. No matter what your brain believes shouldn’t be true about your physical body, your physical body is still you. You are the person you see in the mirror. So am I, and so was I back when I was little.”

Bright continues to watch the mirror in silence. His face crinkles in frustration. “I had green eyes. I had green eyes, and I needed glasses.” He pulls his eyelids with his index finger and thumb to get a good look at the full eye. “Bullshit.”

“You could think of it as a scar,” Glass says in his stupidly soft spoken way and Bright wants to agree, but goddamn does he want to be right himself. So, cornered and scared, he gnashes and bares his teeth in false anger, like a bad dog.

“Fuck off, Simon.” He snarls through grit teeth, crooked and yellow and sharp and just like a dog’s — and not his.

“Jack…” Glass begins slowly, carefully. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, nothing here is okay, this place is FUCKED, AND YOU KNOW IT.” Teeth are snapped uselessly against metal bars that separate his wolfish self from the fragile deer on the other side, one he so foolishly wants to kill and hold and cry into and love. His own humanity cages him and he gnaws wildly at the bars.

“I know this place isn’t right in… a lot of ways, but I also know it’s better to accept flaws sometimes.” Glass reaches out, offering his hand to Bright. The scientist swallows a lump in his throat, glaring with his lip between his teeth as he takes Glass’ hand. Glass intertwines their fingers, and he looks up and smiles. “You see that?”

“I’m not blind.”

“No — I mean, you see our hands, touching. And you feel it. Right?”

“…Sure.” Bright keeps his eyes locked on their hands, his bony knuckles and long fingers awkwardly engulfing the soft and small hand of the psychologist. He feels the gentle warmth coming from Glass’ hand against his significantly colder one — his own hands always seem to be freezing — and he feels the pressure from each of them holding on.

“That’s you.” Glass says.

“What.” It comes out more a statement than a question.

“You see yourself holding my hand, you feel yourself holding my hand. You’re you. That body is you. It’s yours.” Glass smiles up at Bright, confident he’s made a point.

And goddammit, he has.

So he backs down, his anger giving way to the fear it hid so desperately as the deer nudges the cage door open. Like a dog, he’s been shown gentleness, and god, he just wants to be helped — to be saved. So for the time being, he lets Simon save him. Just like a loyal dog.

#scp #scp foundation #drabble #writing #scp writing #fanfic #dr bright #jack bright #scp bright #doctor bright #dr glass #simon glass #scp glass #doctor glass #lightbulb scp #lightbulb #brightglass #glassbright

33 notes · View notes

identitty-dickruption · 5 months

Note

could you explain why you’re antipsych? it’s interesting and good to hear other perspectives, so i am curious (and if you don’t feel like explaining just ignore this ask!)

as with many antipsych people, it started with personal (traumatising) experiences with the psychiatric system. for a long time, I’ve sat in the “psych critical” camp, but after listening to the experiences of others I’m finding myself drifting closer and closer to full on antipsych. so that’s my background

on a more academic level, the psychiatric system was established on a set of principles I reject. it’s all about making people think and behave in the most “normal” ways possible, rather than actually centring the needs and desires of people. this is always going to be a deeply colonial and ableist project, even beyond just that trauma it creates for specific individuals

psychiatrists also have a fuckton of power that very few other professions have access to. they can have you locked up against your will, and any resistance against this is seen as evidence that locking you up is good and right — see ‘oppositional defiance disorder’ as well as many ‘personality disorders’. if that’s not enough, they can put you in solitary confinement, medicate you against your will, etc etc and no questions are raised. it’s all in your “best interests”. you’re “too crazy to know what’s good for you”. as is also the case in my broader political philosophy, I don’t think anyone should have that much power, especially over already vulnerable individuals

to be clear, I don’t think it’s wrong or bad for people to access psychiatry. we live in the society we live in, and people have to do what they have to do to get by. hell, I’ll be seeing a new psychologist next week. but the system itself is wrong to its core, and I think there are better ways to take care of us mad folk

#asks

23 notes · View notes

thatgirl4815 · 7 months

Note

I saw on twitter that Book (i think?) called the Sandray relationship similar to the Joker and Harley Quinn relationship and i am SO confused haha What do you think can happen to warrant that kind of description? I can't think of anything

Honestly, I’ve been trying to see how that dynamic is at play between SandRay, and I personally think it applies much better to BostonNick as far as the criminal/villainous aspect. But there are some character comparisons that stand out.

Book seemed to connect Ray with “Joker” and Sand with “Harley Quinn,” possibly indicating that Ray corrupts Sand in some way. It’s also interesting that in HQ’s origin story, she’s a psychologist. Sand, as we know, is a caretaker, so there’s a notable crossover there. At its most basic, this comparison seems to imply that Sand starts good but turns evil as a result of his attachment to Ray (which develops into a bit of an obsession). Of course, we know the plot of the series doesn’t necessarily align with this, but the basic idea of “corruption” could still stand.

It’s very possible that Book left these comments simply to reference a certain dark aesthetic and not the plot itself. But I would be curious to see how Sand gets corrupted by Ray; I think it’s safe to say he’s already been compromised by him (as far as the “25th hour” thing is concerned). But at this point, Ray really hasn’t done anything criminal…he’s just desperate and sad. More than likely, Ray will corrupt Sand in a more emotional sense, putting Sand in a position where his dignity is threatened. I could see a lot of cognitive dissonance in Sand’s storyline; HQ essentially loses herself, and maybe Sand will lose himself too. The Joker is also known to be less-than-friendly towards HQ overall, which could be reflected in all of the screaming matches we see in the trailer.

Lastly, there’s an “addiction” element to Joker/HQ’s relationship too, and we know that Ray has his own struggles with that. Some have suggested that Sand will fill the role that alcohol has in Ray’s life, in which case he could become Ray’s addiction, furthering this comparison. (Joker seems to like the affirmation of having HQ at his beck and call, which we know Ray gets from Sand too.)

Ultimately, these are all just bits and pieces of Joker and HQ’s characters, but I do think there’s some weight to the comparison! I don’t believe that it will be quite so clear-cut though. As much as I believe in be gay, do crime, I don’t think we can expect too much criminal activity in SandRay’s future (at least, not the way the Suicide Squad does it). As far as their attachment is concerned and the issues it could create—there are a lot of possibilities.

29 notes · View notes

spaghettificationandpretzels · 1 year

Text

There's Gotta Be Some Butterflies Somewhere.

Mayans MC Masterlist

Part two of A Gentle Kind of Love.

Contains: Fluff, mutual pining, angst (endless longing, Canche) slow burn, violence, flashbacks in italics. Cannabis use.

6.7K words

Comment if you want to be tagged/removed or follow #a gentle kind of love.

"So if you will. Please fall in love with me"

You arrived at the Clubhouse just as everything was getting busy, Angel running up to you with a smile, "you came."

You nodded, "I did, can I get this over with?"

His smile widened, "come on, Marcus is excited to meet you." Angel walked over and introduced you, "Marcus, this is y/n, y/n this is Marcus."

You stuck out your hand, "hello, I've heard so much about you."

He smiled, "yeah, and I've heard a lot about you. The guys really love you."

You smiled back, "only because I indulge their ideas."

You turned to the woman next to him, she was poised and put together, her gentle smile glowing in the afternoon sun, "Marcus must be your husband."

Izzy smiled and took your hand, "I like this woman, you're my husband for once instead of me being your wife."

"Well behind every successful man."

Marcus chuckled, "I can see why they like you."

You sat down on the bench next to Angel, "so what do you do for a living?" Izzy seemed curious and you looked at Angel with suspicion.

"I am a psychologist."

Marcus raised his eyebrows, "wow. Looks like EZ might have some competition."

You laughed, "never, I might have a great memory but I took the milk out of the fridge yesterday then went looking for it two seconds later."

"And funny too. Do you have a specialty?"

You nodded, "complex trauma. Not the best but I love my job."

A quiet came over briefly, "are you seeing anyone?" Izzy's tone was neutral.

Now you were sure Angel was talking, "nope, just me and my three cats." Angel choked on his beer.

"Oh, you fucker. What did you tell them?"

He threw his hands in the air, "nothing, I might have brought up that you and Manny were getting along well when Marcus came to see how he was settling in."

You kicked him quickly under the table, "what was that for?"

You turned to Marcus and Izzy, "I'm sorry about that, Angel doesn't know what he's talking about and is sticking his head where it doesn't belong."

Marcus shook his head, "ignore him y/n. Tell me more about your work."

As the afternoon wore on, you forgot you didn't want to be there. Manny was busy with other Mayans and you had managed to dodge him, that was until you and Izzy returned from taking some of the kids for a walk around the area. He was standing right by the doors as you walked in. You waved at him with a soft smile and he waved back but any hopes of him being too busy to talk were dashed as he came walking over to you.

"Hey Tesoro, long time no see."

You nodded, "yes, three weeks to be exact." You did your best to try and keep it casual but he wrapped his arms around you and you melted into his embrace.

"I missed talking to you."

You smiled, "yeah, I missed you too." Your phrasing gave him pause, but he didn't mention it.

"You wanna get a drink?"

You nodded, "I'd like that."

Izzy and Marcus watched on from afar, "Angel is right, those two are in love."

Izzy smiled, "I can see that. She's a nice woman, she's good with kids and she seems to have her head on straight. You said Manny and EZ are the future of the Club, I can see her standing behind him."

Marcus smiled, "they've got to get there first."

Manny had his arm looped over your shoulder, "you run into Canche yet?"

Manny clicked his tongue, "that fucker, he better hope I don't"

It was no secret why Manny transferred, Canche let something slide that made most people homicidal. "You were his VP Manny, he's going to want answers above what you gave him when you handed in your papers."

He huffed, "I don't think he wants to hear what I have to say about him."

You smiled softly, "oh well, I won't hesitate to tell him what I think about him."

Manny smiled, "I can't wait to see that. Can I ask you a question?"

You nodded, "you just did but sure."

"You and the prospect, what went on there?"

You sighed, "Coco never said anything?"

He shook his head, "Angel let it slip that you climbed out the window one night but that's it."

Your eyebrows wrinkled, someone must have talked, "we just didn't gel like that."

He nodded, "really, because he had a lot to say about you."

"I'm aware, Coco called me. Whatever he said, he's lying, I didn't have sex with him."

Manny hid his smile, "I'm glad, the other women don't seem to like him much and you deserved to be looked after."

You huffed cynically, "wow, if only every man had your attitude."

He smirked, it was laced with charm and seduction, "oh really, well there's..."

"You two seem cosy." It was Canche, coming to ruin the day.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" You tried to stay calm.

He looked you up and down, "I'm his old President."

You smiled nasty, "oh, the guy who doesn't think certain people should be strung up by their scrotums and bled dry like the pigs they are. Can I help you?"

Canche blinked, "who do you think you are?"

Manny stepped in front of you and stood over the man, he had at least four inches on him, "someone who's a lot better than you." His tone was calm and not in a good way. You put your hand on his shoulder in hopes of getting him to relax but he didn't seem to notice.

"I think you need to walk away before things get bloody, Manny had every right to leave after what you did and I don't blame him. As for outsiders knowing about it, you can't complain, people talk when shit like that happens."

Canche's face got nasty, "you need to pull in your bitch, that kind of shit wouldn't fly in Yuma."

You were grateful you saw Manny's reaction in slow motion because you managed to step in and stop it before Manny's fist found Canche's face. There was no way you could have prevented a fight if Manny really wanted one to happen, you could feel the strength coiled behind his lean muscle. You took his face in your hands and put yourself between Manny and Cache, "Manny listen to me. You have very nice hands, his face isn't worth it."

Canche went to speak and you cut him off, spinning on your heel to face him, "he has four inches on you and he's younger and fitter, this doesn't end well for you if a fight starts. Now walk away before you get yourself hurt." Something about your tone must have knocked some sense into him because he was walking off in a huff.

"You good?"

Manny swallowed, "that fucker...." You put your hand on his chest.

"That fucker has a higher rank than you, you can't just hit him." You were hoping he'd listen.

Manny calmed down and smirked at you, "you think I have nice hands?"

You thumped his chest, "grow up."

He threw his arm back over your shoulder and walked you into the Clubhouse, "come on Tesoro, I want to introduce you to the Yuma guys I like."

"I told you so, she's got a good head on her shoulders."

Marcus smiled at his wife, "I'll talk to Bishop and see what's going on there."

Someone cleared their throat, "you can try but Bish is pretty fed up, he might just yell at you."

They turned their heads, Angel was standing there sipping on a beer, his face neutral.

"Where did you come from?" Marcus looked around like Angel had come from a puff of smoke.

He shrugged, "I want them to be happy."

Being with Manny was effortless, you didn't even notice how things felt like nothing had changed, like you hadn't talked to each other in weeks. "They are far superior, I don't know how you can even stomach store bought tomatoes when you've had the ones I've grown."

He smiled, "I ain't saying that sweetheart, I'm saying that I can't come to your house and raid your garden every time I want dinner."

"That's fair, but you're going to have to cook for me now just to prove you can."

He chuckled, "alright, I suppose you're right, I've eaten plenty of your food. I should pay you back."

You smiled, "I like the sound of that, what's on the menu?"

He thought for a minute, "what do you like?"

This was starting to feel like something else, "I'll eat anything but I'm a salt addict so that makes it easy for you."

He nodded, "great, you bring the fresh stuff and I'll cook it."

You smiled, "I like the sound of that. I didn't even know you could cook."

He huffed, "I live all by my lonesome, I can't be eating takeout every day."

You smiled, "wow, handsome and capable."

You released what you said just after you said it, "you think I'm handsome?"

"Oh shut up Emmanuel."

He chuckled, "so I'm Emmanuel now, there anything else you want to tell me?"

Oh, so much. "Nope, nothing." Your mind was racing, you wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out again.

"You look like your having fun." You had never been so happy to hear Angel's voice.

"How do you keep appearing out of nowhere?"

He shrugged, "aren't you glad I convinced you to come?"

You nodded, "I am. But Canche's a dick."

Angel cocked his head in agreement, "yeah, we know."

Manny sighed, "if Marcus doesn't do something about him, Yuma's going to go to pieces."

Angel tutted, "maybe that's for the best, the rot starts at the top."

You nodded, "Angel's right Manny, if the culture of the charter was different, Canche wouldn't have even thought about being on that monster's side. I'm sure you can think of times when that kind of attitude has been extended to other members. You wouldn't have transferred if it was a one time thing."

Manny smiled, "you're know more than you let on, don't you?"

"I'm very observant."

Angel shook his head, "not observant enough."

You sighed, you didn't have the energy to deal with Angel being cryptic. "I'm gonna get us some beer, you want something y/n?"

You nodded, "just a water please." Angel headed to the bar, leaving you and Manny alone again.

"You don't drink?"

You shook your head, "I get migraines, so no, I don't."

Manny grunted in sympathy, "shit, that sucks."

You sighed, "yeah, it does."

Manny reached out and put his hand on your knee, "thank you for believing me."

He smiled, "wow, you must have encountered some assholes if you're thanking me for that."

You nodded, "yep."

Angel returned with a curious look on his face, "we good here?"

His eyes moved to Manny's hand on your leg and Manny removed it to take the beer from him, "yep, all good." You nodded your head quickly in agreement.

The food came out about an hour later, and you all headed up to get a plate. People were drunk now and the talking got louder and less casual. It was the reek of cheap whiskey that clued you in that someone was standing closer than they should be. You turned your head and were met with a very drunk Canche, "you right there?"

He shook his head and sipped his drink, "I wanna know why you're so interested in a traitor."

You could feel Manny stiffen behind you, "I don't need to explain anything to you, stop ruining my night."

He spun and faced you and Coco grabbed Manny's elbow and spoke softly to him, "she can handle herself."

You stepped back and crossed your arms, "did you not hear me, what are you still standing here for, you have your food, you don't need to bother me."

He huffed, "you have spent the whole night strutting around like you own the place, I wanna know where it comes from."

You bit the inside of your cheek, "you're projecting, now walk away, I will not hesitate to protect myself."

The room had gone quiet, everyone paying attention to you and Canche "Oh, you're so big and tough, I bet you beg....." That was the last straw, you acted faster than Canche could think, your fist coming to strike his throat. You pushed him against the bar and got close to his face.

"The last man to mention me begging isn't adjusting well to being blind on account of my thumbs going into his eyeballs. Do not give me a reason to alleviate you of yours."

Someone went to step forward but you stopped by the sound of a gun coming out of its holster, "come any closer to me and he loses his foot. I want to finish my conversation."

Manny swallowed and glanced away from the scene, turning to Coco, "I didn't know she carried."

Coco shrugged, "I think that was the point bro."

Canche was shocked, he was smart enough to know how this would go if he stepped wrong, "I think you are the worst kind of person, you aren't just a monster, you help monsters hurt children because you're too greedy to make the call, and it's not even a hard call. I have nothing to say to you and no reason to explain myself."

Angel was standing with Marcus along the front wall, watching on in amusement, "you want me to do something about that?"

Marcus shook his head, "nah, Canche should have taken Manny leaving as a hint to humble himself."

You let him up and he adjusted his kutte, looking around for support but finding none, "you got a mouth on you."

The kick to his testicles had him going down like a lead balloon and then Manny was pulling you away, "hey, y/n. That's enough."

Canche pushed himself up and went to speak, but the look in your eyes had him second guessing, "go off and lick your wounds, don't make me take action you'll really regret." He hobbled away and the music kicked back on, Manny was standing there wide eyed and impressed.

"Wow, I didn't know you had that in you."

You smiled, "there's a lot you don't know about me Emmanuel."

Knock knock

Manny opened the door with a smile and you lifted the bag of fresh fruits and vegetables, "hello."

He took the bag from your hand, "hi, please come in."

You threw off your shoes and walked in, looking around his cosy apartment, "wow, you are clean."

He smiled and put the bag on the counter, "is that a surprise?"

You nodded, "for the most part, no offence but most men I know who live alone only change their sheets once a year."

He screwed up his face in disgust, "oh that is so gross."

He started unpacking and opened the fridge, getting out a jug of water before offering it to you, "and gold star service, what's on the menu tonight?"

He smirked and smelled the herbs, "with all this? something really good."

You sighed, "so it's a surprise?"

Manny nodded, "yep, you wanna help?"

"Of course I do." He slid an onion across the table then handed you a knife and a cutting board, he watched you as you cut it, "ok, I'm very impressed, a clean house, cold water and a knife so sharp it could cut bone. You are very capable."

He grinned, "wait until you eat the food."

He crushed the garlic under his palm then ran his own knife through it, "I'm happy you're choosing to season your food, I would stop being friends with you if you only used one clove."

He snorted, "I wouldn't blame you. You've been everywhere, what's your favourite dish?"

You thought for a moment, "ooo, that's hard. Like I told you, I'm a salt fiend so I love salt baked stuff. I have this salt baked chicken in France that I ate almost every day. I managed to get the recipe, needless to say, I have to stop myself from cooking it all the time."

He licked his lips, "shit that sounds good, you better cook it next time we all come over. What about sweets?"

"Chocolate mud cake, made with buttermilk, browned butter and lots and lots of chocolate."

He moaned, "ok, enough. You're making me drool."

You chuckled, "wait till you walk into the house and smell the chicken cooking, it creates this super salty juice that is amazing on fresh rice…"

He threw a tea towel at you with a smile, "you're making me feel inadequate."

You pressed your lips together to stop a laugh, "first time?"

He smirked, "maybe." You couldn't hold it any longer and neither could Manny, his face split into a grin as you started to laugh. You both laughed until you ran out of breath, then the oven timer sang.

He was right, the food was amazing. He had cooked a whole spread, a vegetable quiche with veggies from your garden, beef tacos with pickled red onions, a herb and rice dish with chicken broth and the most delicious strawberry tart.

Everything was perfectly seasoned and cooked, by the end, you were stuffed full and happy. "That was delicious."

He smiled, "thank you, I guess now that I've proven I can cook, I'll be helping you all the time?"

You nodded, "yep, there'll be no getting out of it now but it means you'll get the first pick on taking leftovers home. Was this your master plan?"

He held his hands up, "you got me, the only reason I did this is so you'll acknowledge my skills and ask me to help you cook every time."

You smiled, "I'm fine with that."

"What's got you all happy?"

Manny had been smiling all morning, "nothing."

Bishop didn't believe him for one minute, "really? Because you've been grinning like an idiot since you got in this morning, you wanna tell me the truth?"

Manny shook his head, "really, it's….."

Angel sat down next to them with a smile, "so it has nothing to do with your dinner last night?"

Bishop's eyebrows wrinkled, "what?"

Angel smiled, "Manny and the good doctor had dinner at his place last night."

Manny huffed, "it was just dinner, she left after the dessert."

Angel didn't drop his smile, "so it wasn't a date?"

Manny sighed, "no it wasn't. Just because you are an ungrateful asshole doesn't mean I am. I just wanted to thank her for all the cooking she did."

Angel tutted, "you could have taken it to her house, you didn't need to invite her over."

Bishop grunted, "Angel, that's enough. Leave Manny alone."

Angel snorted, "if you say so Bish."

"Ok, what's the worst parent you've dealt with?"

You were thankful that they were talking about work and not your dinner with Manny, "it's always the same one, just in different bodies. I sometimes go to schools to work in severe bullying cases, and the perp's parents go on and on about how good their kid is. Most of the time, I meet parents and the child's behaviour makes so much more sense."

"Gee, do people really fuck up that bad?" You nodded at Gilly's question.

"All the time, parents are so blind that they truly ruin their children but not giving them discipline. As part of a state mandate, I have to work with a certain number of kids on behaviour programs. The parents are the reason whenever I've had to let patients go. Half the time, the kids want to change but part of that is the parents admitting they need to do better and it doesn't happen."

They all seemed to understand, "what about you guys? I'm sure you've had some terrible customers."

They all shared a look before iz answered your question, "demon Dave and his wife. They were hell."

You leaned in, "tell me more."

Riz smiled, "they turn up in their SUV screaming that the odometer was running faster than they drove, turns out, they were both cheating and running it up seeing their side pieces."

"Oh, that's just perfect. How did you find out?"

Taza smiled, "I caught the wife at a cafe. The worst part about is, the husband tried to sue us for emotional damage."

You gasped, "no, what happened?"

Angel sipped his beer with a smile, "it didn't get anywhere, he was also stealing from his work, our lawyer found out and threatened to ruin his life."

Something didn't add up, "how did your lawyer find out?"

Coco smiled, "Chucky."

You smiled, "good old Chucky, God I love that dude."

You had stopped by the garage for an oil change, Coco greeting you with a smile. "You have to meet Chucky, you will love him." While EZ drove your car undercover, Coco walked you into the office and introduced you to the man sitting at the desk.

He stood up and walked over, that was when you saw his hands. Coco didn't wait for you to ask, not that you would, "the Triad cut them off because he couldn't stop touching himself."

You blinked, "CMD miss."

You nodded, "I'm really sorry you struggled with that and I'm sorry someone chopped off your fingers."

He shrugged, "I am healing."

You smiled, "well, that's all that matters. Now I have some time before my car's done and since Coco told me I'd like you, tell me about yourself."

"What about you Manny? I'm sure you have some tails from Yuma."

Manny smiled, "Canche was the only asshole there."

You laughed, "wow, you really don't like the man."

Manny shook his head, "no one does."

Taza agreed, "we don't really like Yuma, to be honest."

You nodded, "I can see that, the tension is palpable when they're here. Are there people I need to be worried about?"

They looked at each other, "you're a smart woman, I'm sure you know without us telling you."

You smiled softly, "yeah, I've noticed that with certain guys, you tend to give the women they're talking to pressing tasks before they head to the dorms. My question is, why doesn't Marcus know that one of his chapters is filled with predators?"

They looked at each other, "we need Yuma, more accurately, Canche is in with some important people."

You sighed, "ahh, now I get it. It sounds like he needs to meet a sticky end and take the rest of the poison with him."

Bishop huffed, "you know, one day those great observation skills are going to get you into trouble."

You raised your eyebrows, "if you were going to kill me for knowing the truth, you would have done it already. The fact is, you know I won't say anything to anyone and I know that lying to you about knowing how you make your money isn't worth the hassle."

"You got some balls, you know that?"

You smiled, "I try Creep."

Manny looked deep in thought, "how did you figure it out?" You smiled, "when I first met you all, Coco had been clean for six months and yet there was Narcan everywhere, that combined with the fact that you always have someone on the line who seems to fix problems without even showing their face kinda clued me in."

Bishop smiled, "you were a bit blunt about it, I think it's the reason I like you so much."

"So, what's your read on us?"

You smiled, "you as people or you as drug dealers?" The Clubhouse was pretty much empty, just some the Santo Padre Mayans and some hang arounds, you were sitting with Manny, Hank and Bishop in the corner so it wasn't like anyone could hear you.

"Don't look so shocked, I'm a doctor, you don't think I can read people like open books?" Bishop blinked and went to respond but you cut him off, "I'm not going to tell on you, this isn't third grade and Coco is my friend. You don't need to worry about me, all I ask is that I never see the drugs."

Hank nodded, "we can do that."

You smiled, "great, then we have an agreement and we can go back to pretending like you're just mechanics and scrap metal dealers."

"Blunt is the only way to be. I spend my whole day finding nice and compassionate ways to say things, it's nice to be able to take off the white coat."

Manny smiled, "that must be hard, always being polite?"

You nodded, "it's harder when I have to go to court, one day I'm going to be on the news for killing a defence attorney."

Angel smiled, "ah, we'll bust you out if you do."

"Fancy seeing your here."

You smiled at the sound of Manny's voice, "well it is the only place to get good meat. I am not buying that package shit from the supermarket."

Manny strode up to the counter, "what's on the menu tonight?"

You sighed, "not for me, I feed my cats raw and they're out of food, they won't eat anything other than Felipe's stuff."

Felipe smiled, "what a ringing endorsement."

Manny nodded, "oh it is, you should see these cats."

Felipe chuckled, "I've seen lots of photos, they are very spoilt."

You shook your head, "what about you?"

He pointed to the spatchcock chicken, "I watched some fancy cooking show last night, I'm gonna do that thing where you cook the chicken under a brick."

"Oh, yum. It's literally called chicken under brick."

Manny laughed, "good to know, have you ever had it?"

You nodded, "once or twice, it's really nice. It's not better than my salt baked one though."

He shook his head, "stop teasing me."

Felipe sighed and handed you your meat while you handed over the cash, "thank you Mr Reyes, they will be very happy with this."

Manny got his chicken and walked out with you, Felipe giving you both a friendly wave goodbye. "I guess I'll see you on Friday?"

You shook your head, "sadly, no. I have a fundraiser on Saturday and as much as I love Fridays, they are kinda draining. I can't do both."

He looked disappointed, "where's the fundraiser?"

You leaned against your car, "Oakland, the Sunshine Road Centre. It's actually like ten minutes from the Clubhouse."

The smile of Manny's face was back, "guess where we are on Saturday?"

You mirrored his smile, "no?"

He nodded, "yep, Marcus wants us there to work out some stuff with the Sons, something about a new gang causing problems."

You nodded, "I thought they were out of the life?"

Manny huffed, "they are, have been for years. It didn't stop someone from sending then a threatening text about us."

You crossed your arms, "that's a worry, maybe it's an old group pissed that Jax gave the guns to the Mayans?"

He shook his head, "nah, they're good with everyone involved in that. The text had something in German, Juice, their tec guy says it was a Nazi thing."

Your eyes went wide, "well shit, that's not good."

He nodded in agreement, "we know, we'll talk to Marcus on Saturday and see if we have to go visit Charming."

"All you can do is wait, will Yuma be there?"

Manny shook his head, "nope, looks like their being frozen out, they had another stepped on batch last week."

You huffed, "as Angel said, the rot starts at the top."

He nodded, "I know. Oh well, even if I don't get to see you on Friday, we might run into each other."

"Maybe, although, I'm not sure if I want the guys to see me in an evening dress. I don't think they'd ever let me live it down."

He laughed, "oh, I know."

You smiled, "have fun for me on Saturday, because I'm going to be surrounded by rich assholes and I doubt I'll last till it ends."

He chuckled, "I will party on your behalf."

Angel saw your car pull away, waving to you from his bike as he pulled into his father's shop. He smiled when he saw Manny texting, swaggering up to him with a smirk, "you planning another dinner?"

Manny shook his head, "no, she was here buying stuff for her cats. What has gotten into you man, are you my fairy godmother or something?"

Angel got a twinkle in his eyes, "your fairy godmother, I like the sound of that."

Manny huffed, "I got to get this meat home, you gotta stop looking so deep into it man, we're just friends."

Angel walked into Felipe's shop, turning behind him, "if you say so."

Felipe had his arms crossed, nodding towards the door, "what was that son?"

Angel shrugged "you tell me pops, you saw them together."

Felipe tutted, "you might be right Angel but you can't force these things, they have to figure it out on their own."

Angel huffed, "and if they don't?"

Felipe shook his head, "they will, don't worry."

Angel smiled, "all I'm saying is, they might need a bit of help."

"Come on man, it's like ten minutes away, we can stop by."

Manny sighed, "she'll be inside, they won't let us in, it's a black tie event."

Coco shrugged, "nah, any bet she'll be outside, she hates that kind of shit."

Angel smiled, "see man, there's no reason not to drive by."

Manny shook his head, "you're not going to let this go, are you?"

"Nope." The pop of the 'p' coming out of Angel's mouth had EZ chuckling.

"Just do it bro, he's not going to drop it."

Manny rolled his eyes, "fine, we drive by once and if you can't see her, we come back."

Angel smiled and stood up, "great, we should go now before it gets too late."

EZ rolled his eyes, "why not make it a group thing, I'll come too."

After some back and forth, the group was Coco, Angel, Ez and Manny, Gilly smiling at Angel, "report back?"

"Hell yeah."

They took the van, choosing to leave the bikes because Manny was worried you'd come out and meet them even if you were enjoying yourself. When they drove by, you weren't there and Manny huffed, "see, we just wasted out time."

Coco shook his head, "give it ten minutes, she might come out."

Manny sighed, "not what I agreed to."

EZ shrugged, "we need to pick up dinner anyway and the line is huge, we may as well wait."

He pointed to the food truck up the street and Angel nodded, "EZ's right, we should kill two birds with one stone or whatever."

Seven minutes in, you walked out looking exhausted, Angel tapped Manny on the shoulder and pointed out the driver's window to where you were standing, Manny's breath catching in his throat. He blinked, time slowing as he took in the vision of you leaning against the wall. The tea length red dress and fluffy skirt made you look like something out of a fairytale, he was vaguely aware of someone talking, then someone was tapping him again, harder this time.

"Dude, you right?"

Manny blinked, "yeah fine, she looks pretty had it. Maybe we should leave her alone."

Angel shook his head, "nah, we're just what she needs after dealing with those rich assholes all night." Angel got out of the car as the other followed, Manny couldn't help but join, his feet having a mind of their own as you pulled him in like you had cast a spell on him.

You must have sensed that someone was walking close because you looked up from the ground and met eyes with Manny, your face breaking out into a smile as you waved gently. They walked over and stood around you, something had them smiling because they looked at Manny's expression then looked at each other.

"Hey."

Manny smiled, "hey, you look...you look really nice."

Angel huffed, "really man, you're supposed to say she looks beautiful or radiant or something like that. Which you do by the way."

You smiled and met Angel's eye, "thank you but nice is perfectly fine." Manny pressed his lips together in an effort to stop himself was smiling, his eyes stuck on the way the dress made you look like a princess.

"You look like shit."

You sighed, "thanks Coco, I feel like it too. If I have to spend another second hearing some banker tell me I'm doing the lord's work while they talk about their two million dollar yacht, I'm going to start throwing mini quiches at people. God I'm hungry."

EZ pointed towards the food truck, "we were on our way to get food, you want something?"

You nodded emphatically, "I will kill for you if feed me." You held a finger up, "and I came prepared." You reached into the dress, Manny smiling at the fact that it had pockets, "six carne asada tacos, please, with extra veg."

EZ smiled, "done, you want anything to drink?"

You nodded, "just water please."

He headed off, leaving you with the others, "were you heading home?"

Coco seemed to know the answer, "yes, I lasted till nine thirty, that's enough. I should have come to the party yesterday and told these people my cats had the runs or something. I'm pretty sure I wasted my whole night."

Angel smiled, "it's not a waste now that we're here, is it?"

You shook your head, "no, actually, you might have saved the night."

He tapped Manny, "see Manny, we might have saved the night."

EZ returned with everyone's food and handed you yours, "thank you." He nodded, his own mouth full and Coco jutted his head towards the van, "we better go hide before some rich asshole comes out and wants to talk about his yacht more."

Everyone walked towards the van, Manny opening the back for you and helping you up. "Thank you Manny."

He sat next to you and drove into his own meal, you legs almost touching, "how is it?"

You smiled, "so good, there's only so many bacon wrapped mini potatoes a person can eat while trying to act like a lady."

He laughed, "let me guess, you wanted to shove a whole handful in your mouth at once?"

"Hell yeah, how else do people eat shit like that?"

The smile on his face was lighting up the van, "agreed, how are your tacos?"

You stuck up your thumb, "so good. I was hungrier than I thought. Yours?"

He nodded, "real good, they'd be better with shit for your garden, though."

You smiled, "you said it, not me."

By the time the food was done, you were yawning and ready to head home. "Thank you gentlemen for salvaging my night, but I think it's time I bid you adieu."

Manny stood up, "I'll walk you to your car."

Behind him, Angel was grinning. "Thank you Manny." He walked you to your car, leaning over the door as you stuck the key in the ignition and turned it over.

"ppppppp...pp."

You sighed and dropped your head onto the steering wheel, Manny looking on in worry, "ahhh, not again. The fucking spark plug is gone, I'll have to call myself a cab."

He shook his head, "we'll take you back home, I'll call the others and get your car taken to the Clubhouse, Marcus will make sure they look after it."

You shook your head, "I can't ask you to take me back home, it's forty five minutes away."

He shook his head, "nah, don't worry about it. I'm sure they guys with be happy to help." You went to protest but he stopped you, "really, I think you'll hurt Coco feelings if you get a cab."

You sighed, "fine, but only if they agree too." He held his hand out and helped you out of your seat, "thank you Manny."

You walked back to the van, being met with quizzical stares, "what's going on?"

You shrugged, "my car's fucked."

Coco nodded, "we'll take you home."

Manny smiled, "see Tesoro, I told you we'd be happy to drop you off."

You rolled your eyes, "fine, you don't all need to be so wonderful."

Coco huffed, "you can thank us with cake."

You nodded, "alright, are you sure? I don't want you driving back and forth."

Angel shook his head, "we have to check on the Clubhouse anyway, make sure everything is alright."

Your eyes wrinkled, "because Riz and Tara are going to burn it down in the few hours you're away?"

EZ snorted, "they might."

You shook your head, "alright, thank you again."

Coco smiled, "give us yours keys, we'll get a tow to take your car back to the Clubhouse." You handed them over and Coco went to make the call while you relaxed in the van, Manny sitting next to you.

"How are the cats?"

You smiled, "so good, Sir Fluffernutter tried to steal my sandwich today, turns out he hates rye bread."

Manny laughed, "he is such a little shit."

You smiled, "I know, he's the problem child."

Coco returned with a smile, "Marcus is happy for us to drop you off, he's going to send Medina to pick up your car, you right with that?"

You nodded, "fine, thank you again, I can't thank you guys enough for all the trouble you're going to."

EZ nodded, "I'll wait here, you guys head off."

Coco tossed EZ your keys, "thanks man." With a little bit more back and forth, you were off. It didn't take long for the conversation to pick up as they asked you about your night and laughed along as you went into detail about the people you met.

"One dude went right for the weird shit, asking if I work with serial killers, I'm pretty sure he has a bunch of heads in his freezer."

Angel huffed, "does that happen often?"

You nodded, "oh my God yes. College was the worst, I made the mistake of going to a frat party once and all they could talk about was Freud, I wanted to stab my eardrums out."

Manny rolled his eyes, "you got more patience than me."

You smiled, "yes, I've noticed you get a little punchy when you don't like someone."

Coco huffed, "nah, that's just Canche."

You smiled, "he does really suck."

There was a rustle and Angel was producing a joint and offering it around. Manny took a puff and then suggested it to you as you shrugged, "why not, one isn't going to give me cancer." You inhaled and suppressed a cough, "wow that's a lot."

Coco chuckled, "you don't like weed?"

You huffed, "I'm civilized, cookies and gummies only. Plus, I can't smell like the devil's lettuce while I'm with patients."

A few minutes later, the joint kicked in and you were reclining against the van, "you wanna stop somewhere?"

You nodded, "please Coco, I could eat a horse."

He pulled into a burger joint off the highway, "what do you want?"

You thought for a minute, "fries, ice cream, fries."

Manny laughed, "same here." It did take long for everyone to have their meals, Coco eating with one hand while he drove.

"So, what cake do you guys want." They all started to talk at once, "good lord, one at a time."

It took their THC laden brains to answer before Angel spoke, "that strawberry one you made for Chucky, that was really good."

There were nods all around, "easy peasy."

Time flew as you drove back home and before you knew it, you were pulling into your drive way. "Thank you again, I had a really nice time."

Angel smiled, "so did we."

He met eyes with Manny and Manny shook his head, "I'll walk you to your door." They smiled as Manny helped you off the step and walked you the short distance to your doorstep.

Maybe it was the weed or the party but something came over you and you were placing a hand on his cheek while you pressed a kiss to the other, "goodnight Emmanuel."

He ached to reach out and hold you to him but he stopped himself, smiling as you walked inside, "goodnight y/n."

The other were watching from the van, Angel smiling for ear to ear as Manny walked back. He went to say something when Manny climbed back into the back but Manny held up his hand with a head shake.

"Not a word bro."

Part 3

Song inspiration is Dodie - Would You Be so Kind

Chapter releases are up to you.

Hearts and blank reblogs with no tags will be worth one point each.

Comments and reblogs with comments/tags will be worth two points each.

That means a maximum of 5 points per person.

Chapter three will be released after 20 points.

130 notes · View notes

luminae-system · 1 month

Text

(Danny, as almost always, speaking)

Venty ramble-ish post of the day under the cut as promised in the update (ended up a long post, sorry)

If anyone wants a quick summary, there is a tldr bolded and green at the bottom! Would love some advice if anyone is nice enough to share their experiences and stuff.

Tw: General negative thinking, obsessive/repetitive thinking, ocd-like tendencies, lots of self-doubt, system doubt/self denial, brief neglect(? Descriptions, brief abuse mention (tell us if we missed something else)

I've been thinking of System Origins (xyz-genic) lately. Something about messy thoughts and obsessive patterns and stuff, our psychiatrist calls it "cow chewing" or something like that (since January, our memory has been shit, sorry).

So. I'm afraid to label us as traumagenic because like, as I mentioned in the notes of a reblog this week, we never went through traditional abuse, we had food and education and shelter and all that good stuff.

Maybe mom was down in the dumps herself, and dad was always away on a buissness trip, not to mention mom having to deal with three kids at the same time... so we never really got enough love and attention. We were loved ofc, and I am grateful for all mom did for us.

But like... her best wasn't enough in many ways, that's why we're in therapy since like 11 and always go off the deep end whenever we try to go long periods without a session (monthly sessions seems to be the stretch/limit). And well, we have more diagnoses than fingers in one hand already, wonderful! So funny! Amazing! /sarcasm

So, anyways, back to the topic. We never really lacked anything, were never abused, and the emotional neglect wasn't thaaat bad and totally not on propose. So... was it enough to form a traumagenic CDD system? Are we really disordered?

I do have emotional amnesia in the rare times we've managed to get someone else to be the main fronter, and we do have some ptsd symptoms but like... we do have a separate ptsd diagnosis bc of my ex-bf (another story/post, bad bad guy) and the childhood ptsd-like symptoms are nowhere in the same level as when we first got the diagnosis of the other ptsd.

And looking at posible diagnosis, Partial DID (pdid) is so so so close to what we experience! That's like, us! Main frontstuck host with other headmates acting as 'advisors' and less fronting and more passive influence and co-conciousness (even if we are monoconcious, it's a bit weird, don't wanna think too hard about it)

But like... I didn't start having "multiple people in my head" until like I was 14. Or atleast being conscious of it I guess. That's way past the age threshold for identity consolidation and thus traumagenic system formation...

So are we "disordered enough" to qualify as a disordered/CDD system? Would we make a mockery of "real" disordered systems to self-diagnose that?

I've been thinking of sharing with our current psychologist. The last one dismissed my concerns and said I was being a hypochondriac (god, it's always that excuse! Even with our physical health, which, yes, another post/story).

I'm scared of being wrong. What if I really am just talking to myself and making a sorta tulpamancy thing on accident? Ofc nothing wrong with that, but it would change our system dynamics a lot.

On the flipside, if we really are a traumagenic system... now what? I doubt there are any specialized psychologists for systems in our town... so yeah. Not sure what we would do after a hypothetical informal/formal diagnosis by our psychologist and/or psychiatrist.

Gosh. This is... a lot. And I tried to be brief. Sorry, and if anyone did read it all, thank you so much for caring about us! (Or being curious I guess lol). I'd love some advice

So, tldr: No abuse, only some emotional neglect on accident. Is it trauma enough for traumagenic? We disordered enough for a diagnosis? What if yes? What if not?

-----------------------

Bonus info for anyone(s) who want to give us advice (thank you!!!!)

System of 3

One front-stuck host and two "advisors"

Daena is a sorta reformed persecutor and sorta trauma holder?

Aelius is our protector (he is taking a long nap/trip somewhere in the brain, miss him)

Danny (me) and Daena are two sides of the same coin, share a lot of traits and stuff even if personality is different, basically like a median system.

Aelius is fully separate from us gals

Dissociation has been very common since we were a very young kid, especially derealization, though depersonalization did happen a lot too. Therapy has helped a lot in terms of grounding

Not much in terms of Amnesia I think? Like, maybe I'm not aware of something, but we do remember our childhood well enough to tell anecdotes and funny stories

We do have emotional amnesia tho, mostly with taking care of the body and household chores (remembering something but like, I did not do that. The memory spawned by itself???)

Uhhh ask for more details if needed!!!

#-Danny #Danny✨️#//#luminar rambles #pluralgang #tw syscourse #syscourse tw #<- ? (just in case)#luminae system #tw vent #tw spiral #tw spiraling #long post under the cut #pdid #partial did #questioning system #< ? i guess #tw neglect #tw abuse

9 notes · View notes

emmettworld · 25 days

Note

(not here to be rude it's just something i realized and am curious /srs) one thing i don't understand is like why are you seemingly fine with minors following you when you post sexually explicit content involving minors? this is a genuine question because usually accounts that post nsfw stuff are 18+ only

because minors are people too and they can make their own choices as to what they want to view.

like, we've all been kids once. no amount of DNIs was gonna stop me from looking at naughty things on the internet, and i don't expect it would stop many others either.

as harsh as it may sound, it's not my moral obligation to know or care who is behind the screen. if they're too young to be viewing that kind of thing, that's their guardian's responsibility, not mine.

and if i DO know because that person told me directly, i'm obviously not going to send them anything explicit.

depending on their age, i would tell them if it makes me uncomfortable and try to set that boundary. minor covers a super broad age range, and when we use the term, it's hard to gage exactly what age people have in their heads. if a ten-year-old was on my blog, yeah, that would make me SUPER uncomfortable.

but 16? 17? just two or one year younger than the magical number? by the time you would enter high school, i think you're old enough to make those choices if you're old enough to start driving.

it's a very gray area and there is no easy answer. you could argue that it's our moral obligation to at least make an effort. you could argue that trying to deter curious minors only makes it worse.

but at the end of the day, i'm not anyone's parent or guardian, and i'm also not a child psychologist who can decide what age or level of brain development (completely ignoring individual factors and circumstances) is the Acceptable Age.

#answered asks #anonymous

18 notes · View notes

writerbuddha · 5 months

Note

Re your post about whether Anidala is abusive I'm curious how you define coercion? Bc verbal coercion is real and Anakin was constantly trying to coerce Padmé into things. I'm not saying you had any malintent but abuse is a very personal topic and it didn't feel great to see you deny those aspects of it.

I'm really sorry that it caused distress in you. I am not denying the verbal aspect of abuse. I wrote:

Controlling behavior is when a person attempts to conform another person to their own needs or desires and trying to get their way by some form of manipulation. It’s the outsized desire for control, and it’s unhealthy, unhelpful, and may create relationship conflicts, but it’s not always abusive. Controlling behavior becomes abusive when it is coercive (threatening). The Clovis Arc of Star Wars: The Clone Wars reveals that Anakin Skywalker exhibited non-coercive, thus, as far as the definition goes, non-abusive controlling behaviors, leading to relationship conflicts with Padmé Amidala.

I used this piece titled 15 Signs of Controlling Behavior written by Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, licensed marriage and family therapist, which was reviewed by Aleesha Grier clinical psychologist. You can find the same line, "Controlling behavior becomes abusive when it is coercive (threatening)" in the article. It says, "Relationship abuse is about gaining power and control over another person. But just because someone is controlling doesn't mean they are abusive. Controlling behavior crosses the line into abuse when it results in the other person feeling afraid and intimidated." Based on this, I found no reason to call the controlling behavior Anakin exhibited abusive, or, as the article put it, coercive in the sense of threatening. In the Clovis arc, Anakin constantly tried to persuade Padmé into things and he was angry when Padmé refused, but I think the situation was never threatening, it never resulted Padmé to feel afraid and intimidated.

#star wars #tw abuse #anidala

14 notes · View notes

abbatoirablaze · 5 months

Text

Locked Up, Chapter 14

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: mentions of a riot.

“Hey doc…”

You frowned, seeing the tired expression of the man sitting on the stool by the metal detector.

“Wh-where’s Bernie?” you asked gently, curious about the disappearance of your favorite guard who sat at the entrance of the jail.

The man frowned, “hospital…critical condition after the riots.”

Your heart ached for the older gentleman who had normally sat down at the entrance to the prison. He’d been retired from the force for nearly fifteen years and had taken what he thought was a cake-walk of a job by sitting at the metal detector for a prison.

All too often you’d had conversations about how he was excited to get home to his wife, or have a day out with his grandchildren on his next day off.

“Oh…”

“They put him in a medical coma last week…too much swelling in the brain. Surgery relieved some pressure…” he offered sadly. But then he shook his head, “but they don’t think he’s going to come out of it. Daughter’s been talking about pulling the plug on the poor guy.”

You gasped, saddened by the news that a man that had dedicated nearly his whole life to law enforcement was going to have that type of ending, “oh my…”

“Yeah,” he sighed, “Agnes isn’t holding up too well…not with his daughter making that suggestion…”

“That’s horrible.”

“It is…but it’s also a hazard of the job. Just because he was out here, didn’t mean he wasn’t going to be in the line of fire if something like this ever happened,” He shrugged, clearly not too hung up on the idea of a riot in the prison or it’s unfortunate casualties, “you gonna go through, doc?”

“Oh-yeah…sorry…”

He nodded and you passed through the detector. Taking your name badge and purse from the tray that you’d originally put it into, you slid the bag over your shoulder and your badge on your jacket, “I-I guess I’ll see you later…ha-have a good day!”

“Yeah,” he muttered more to himself than anyone else, “have a good day doc!”

“Thank you…”

You walked in relative silence, your mind way too focused on what had happened nearly two weeks ago to focus on anything else.

How things had managed to turn sideways so quickly was not only jarring to you, but it made you consider your own position.

You had been a new-hire, and the events were traumatic enough that while you were an experienced psychologist, you hadn’t been well versed in the tragedy of a riot, so you had to undergo extensive psychological testing and then a few bouts of defensive training in a prison while they transferred in another set of shrinks to talk the inmates through everything.

But then your mind wandered to Bucky and Curtis.

They had done so much for you during the course of the riot. They had protected you. Made you feel safe…but they’d also set their boundaries, letting you know just where you fit into their lives.

And you hadn’t rejected it.

“Doc!”

You were surprised to see the familiar face, “Viv? Wh-what are you doing here? I thought-“

“Came in to pick up my last paycheck,” she admitted, cutting you off, “Y-you’re coming back?”

You nodded, “Yeah…I am.”

“Good for you…” she said after a second, “you know…you’re one of the few women coming back.”

Your brow quirked, “What?”

“Well, after the riot ended, a few women decided they were better off going to a minimum-security prison, or transferred to county…I-well…I’m pursuing other options…and I’m sure that you know of Lila by now…”

“It-it’s my first day back.”

“Guess Hansen wasn’t blowing smoke up our asses when he’d scream that he was important,” she smirked, “government wiped his and Jensen’s records and pulled them both out at the end of the riot. The three of them disappeared together. No one knows where they are. My guess is the psycho has his little play things holed up somewhere while he’s off planning the next global disaster.”

“H-How do you know that the government pulled Hansen and Jensen?” you asked softly, “I-I mean, you know Jake. He’s smart enough to wipe the records. Inmate Hansen could have formulated an escape with-“

“I saw the letters to the new warden.”

You frowned, remembering how Inmate Drysdale had killed the previous warden.

Ransom Drysdale.

“How is Ransom?”

She caught on to your tone and she chose to ignore it, but sent you an icy look regardless.

“I hear that he was vindicated,” Viv shrugged, obviously not wanting to admit that she had a relationship with the inmate while still inside the walls of the prison, “he’s been proven innocent once and for all…he’s not a murderer…”

“You mean, he didn’t kill his grandfather…”

“That’s what I said,” she said with a shrug as she looked at you, “unless…you know something?”

You shook your head, looking her directly in the eye, “I don’t know anything.”

“Hmmm..” she nodded thoughtfully. The two of you stood in silence for a few minutes before she gave up, “well…it-it was good seeing you…”

“Yeah…” You nodded softly, “you too, Viv…”

“Now as some of you know, there has been a turnover with the warden!” A few of the people coughed, showing how uncomfortable they felt with the governor discussing the warden’s demise, “a few weeks ago, during the riots, Warden Bodecker was murdered. Since all of the cameras were off, and there was no power inside of the facility, we do not know how this managed to happen or even why, but we can only assume that it was because of a vendetta that an inmate had against him.”

A few more awkward coughs.

Everyone knew that Warden Bodecker was a mean, controlling son of a bitch. Just like all of them had known that he was fucking Viv on the sly.

So, they all knew, at least in part, that one of the inmates had murdered him in cold blood, and it was because of Viv and they had the slightest inkling that it had to have been one of two men, one of which was already outside of the prison walls, and his family had been the one to help secure the position for the new warden in question.

“While our staff has been most amazing at running the prison in lieu of an actual warden, I am happy to tell you all right now that we no longer require those services as we have found our new warden!” the governor smiled, clapping at his own introduction, “he’s one owner of one of the largest tech conglomerates in the world. Billionaire philanthropist, Tony Stark!”

There were a few scattered claps throughout the breakroom, as a man in a pristine pin-stripe suit stood up and took off his sunglasses.

You watched him for a second, and it was like he was personally surveying each and every person.

And then his eyes landed on you.

You felt like your blood was turning to ice in your veins.

“First off let me just say that I am sorry for your loss!” he said firmly, leaving a few seconds to pause for good measure. He crossed his arms over his chest and began shaking his head, “you know, when I first saw this prison on the news, I knew that there was something going on…but I didn’t-I didn’t think the problems were as deep as they really were. I say this with all respect to your previous boss, but the riot and the blood spilled was because of him. There have been inmates in here that were wrongfully accused and mistreated, men turned to savages because of outdated policies, and atrocities committed under the watchful eye of Lee Bodecker!”

There were a few mumbles amongst the group as officers and administrators wondered just how much the tech mogul knew.

“Our prison system has not only been failing the inmates…but the people working in them,” he said with a shake of his head, “all of you were stretched so thin, that when push came to shove, and a riot happened, you lost valuable members of your team because of understaffing, limited training, and no real hazard pay or benefits to make up for just how much of a dangerous place it is to work in. But I wat to change that. I want to re-incentivize every single one of you and turn this place around for the better…so that all of us can remain safe and well paid for it. I know that this place may be a prison, but we’re here to rehabilitate these criminals. And I think we can only do that when each one of you are supported.”

The governor smiled behind him.

You felt your stomach turning.

“I know that some of you may be skeptical about me…but know that I am here to help,” Tony pointed out, “That doesn’t just start with my words. I want you to know that all of the testing and training that each of you have been undergoing is because I care about your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. That wasn’t just training to have under your belt because of the tragedy that happened. That was one of the new policies I put in place to make sure all of you are taken care of in every way possible.”

Someone raised their hand and Tony shook his head, “no…no…you don’t need to raise your hand. You. With the question. What is it that you need?”

“I’ve been a CO for nearly five years here…what makes you think you can change any of this?”

“I can see the hesitation in you, officer. I understand what you’re thinking and the skepticism. People don’t just do things for no reason,” he chuckled, shaking his head, “good question though. I think that the inmates had a bad reaction to something going on here. I think that changes need to happen in order to change the attitude of those involved.”

“But how?”

“Well, first…I’m installing cameras that work without power here. They have their own individual power sources, and the information gets stored on the cloud. I’m also adding in different types of activities and jobs for the workers, with higher paying premiums. But only those who score high enough and are well-behaved will have the opportunities. And lastly, I’m taking care of each of you. The training. The trauma counselors…all on my dime. I want to take care of each of you.”

“What’s in it for you?” another person asked softly as they put their hand down, “Wh-why are you doing this for us?

“Because I can.” He said firmly, giving him an iron-clad stoney look, “and because I’m Tony Stark. And I care!”

Chapter 15

Tag List: @lohnes16, @prokey16, @tenaciousperfectionunknown, @teambarnes72, @cjand10

#locked up #prison au #jail au #marvel #marvel au #the avengers #tony stark #iron man #lee bodecker #the devil all the time #bucky barnes #jake jensen #ransom drysdale #knives out #the losers #winter soldier

13 notes · View notes