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#hp crack
takearisk-xo · 2 years
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harry: *cooking pasta and turning it into a burnt lump*
harry: this is sadder than when i talked to my parents right before i died
ginny:
ginny: exCUSE ME?
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vukovich · 2 years
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Peculiar Prompt: Broomstick servicing kit, stuck half in/half out of a window, caught in the act.
You(r) Fucking Knob
"No, see," Ron said around his cigarette butt. He tossed it to the ground, flipped his broom bristles-up and smashed the glowing butt against the grass. "That's the beauty of it. The service window is like," he held a hand level against his waist, "this high. You don't have to talk to him at all."
"Huh," Harry huffed. "And he does weatherproofing?" He scraped flaking varnish from his broom handle.
Ron pointed the end of his broom at Harry and wiped the cigarette ash, chlorophyll and dirt away. The wood gleamed like brand new. "And fireproofing."
--
It felt a little like standing at a urinal. His broom tapped his inner thighs while Malfoy rubbed it. A distracting urinal. He tried to ignore the vibration of the polishing spell against his balls.
The window was tiny. Just a little opening with a swing-down stained glass pane of a golden broom in a cerulean sky. Harry rested his forearm against the sign on the brick wall:
Basement Casement Abasement
Open window.
Submit menu and payment.
Insert knob end to rider depth.
Wait for two taps.
Withdraw broom handle.
Insert broom bristles to rider depth.
Wait for three taps.
Be on your way.
Harry held his broom tight, his fist grinding against his dick as Malfoy worked his shaft in long, languid strokes.
"Harry!" Hermione's voice was an ice bath. "What are you doing in this part of Horizont?"
"I-" Harry's broom thrust lazily between his legs. "Uh-"
Hermione's eyes were a dot matrix printer scanning his whole body, flushed face to white knuckles and back again.
Harry gulped. "Malfoy's polishing my knob."
"He's what?!" she squawked.
"You know. Polishing my wood."
She stared at him.
"He's about done rubbing it out. I think."
Hermione's face was air dry clay. She blinked back to life and licked her lips. "You think?" She stepped up behind him, hands on her hips. "You think you're about done?"
"Yeah, I-" Two taps hummed against his crotch.
"Harry, I'm not one to-"
"Hang on, he wants me to turn around." Harry waited for Hermione to step back and give him room. She didn't. "Back up, 'Mione."
She blinked.
"I need space to pull it out and swing it around."
"You..." Hermione gulped. Her eyes were all Arithmancy. "...to swing it around..." She picked at her wedding ring, gazing into the middle distance.
"Back up. I have to turn around so he can finish up."
Hermione went pink, then red, then white, then down. Harry shuffle-stepped over her as she swiftly came to. He turned around and carefully inserted the bristles of his broom through the window.
Hermione looked up, blinking unfocused eyes at the gleaming shaft hovering over her. "My God," she whispered reverently. "I married the wrong one."
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in-flvx · 7 months
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The Prank was really just a safe, sane, and consensual attempt to cure snape of an especially egregious bout of the hiccups
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Closeted Harry coming out to Ron after his breakup with Ginny and Ron just being like, “cool just don’t date one of my brothers”
Fred and George freezing and looking at Harry with nothing but absolute delight at the potential mischief.
Harry making eye contact with them, immediately understanding their intentions, and winking as he puts a finger to his lips, shushing them.
Ron following Harry’s line of sight and screaming “NO. NO. FUCK NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
Harry and the twins platonically flirting in the most obnoxious ways imaginable.
Harry showing up to breakfast in the Great Hall late with a different twins sweater on, looking debauched. One or even both the twins give him a salacious once over. Ron wants to sink into the floor and die.
Ron eventually gets used to this but absolutely loses it when the rest of his brothers send him their sweaters and flirt with him at the Burrow.
The Weasley boys sending flirty howlers to Harry just to send Ron spiraling.
Ron being so relieved when Harry dates literally anyone who isn’t one of his older brothers.
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iamnmbr3 · 3 months
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Is Snape nice? No. Is he an absolute comedy icon with a flair for dramatic timing? Yes! I mean he literally stood there waiting and being insulted multiple times just to reveal himself at the perfect moment. We stan.
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oflights · 4 months
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i have been laughing about this to myself all day
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myriadparacosm · 5 months
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Sirius: I just knew. I knew when Walburga got pregnant that she would give birth to pure evil with no doubts about the pain it causes to innocent people. People already dead are suffering because of you but they can't say it because they are dead! But I know the truth Reggie! I knew it the moment our blasted mother got pregnant that she will birth you that you are made to make me suffer and I can't hate you because I love you!
James:
Remus:
Regulus: I'm literally just wearing a shirt.
Sirius: TEAM EDWARD??? ARE YOU MAD? HAVE YOU SEEN JACOB?
Regulus: As if you aren't biased because you're dating a werewolf.
Remus: Don't pull me into that.
James: Hey come on, you haven't even watched the first movie, you can't pick a side yet-
Sirius: Reggie, I'm telling it for you to get /better/. You can't pick vampires over werewolves.
Regulus: I like sucking.
Remus:
Sirius:
James: He's right-
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loz-tearsofahomo · 5 months
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Sirius & Barty bored in azkaban
Sirius: bart
Barty Crouch Jr: ...
Sirius: pssst barty
Barty Crouch Jr: ...
Sirius: BARTEMIUS CROUCH JUNIO-
Barty Crouch Jr: WHAT.
Sirius: Truth or Dare
Barty Crouch Jr: cant bloody do dares in here can we?
Sirius: TRUTH or DARE
Barty Crouch Jr: only if I can ask first-
Sirius: no-
Barty Crouch Jr: yes-
Sirius: -fine
Barty Crouch Jr: Truth or Dare
Sirius *rolling his eyes*: truth
Barty Crouch Jr: did you and that lupin kid ever get round to fucking
Sirius: ...
Sirius: How the fuck did you know that-
Barty Crouch Jr: My gaydar never lies-
Sirius: your WHAT
Barty Crouch Jr: -the horny levels were through the roof-
Sirius: OKAYMYTURN
Barty Crouch Jr: -I mean really it was obvious
Sirius: are you fucking done now
Barty Crouch Jr: right, truth
Sirius: You didn't even let me ask
Barty Crouch Jr: This might surprise you pretty boy but I don't actually care.
Sirius: ugh whatever
Sirius: ...
Sirius: Who was Reg's most surprising kiss
Barty Crouch Jr: ooo hoo hoo
Sirius: what
Barty Crouch Jr: Oh get fucking ready for this, god Reg is gonna murder me from the grave
Sirius: well it couldn't have been that bad-
Barty Crouch Jr: It was potter.
Sirius: haha funny joke now cmon-
Barty Crouch Jr: I'm not joking.
Sirius: ...
Sirius: ...
Sirius *looking up* : JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER SO HELP ME GOD YOU ARE GETTING A FUCKINT BEATING IN HEAVEN OH MY-
Barty crouch jr *looking down* : Reggie please don't kill me
Sirius *still yelling at james from the grave* : ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU GO AND DIE ON ME THEN NEXT I FIND OUT YOU KISSED MY PERFECTLY INNOCENT LITTLE BROTHER-
Barty Crouch Jr: I mean- he was a death eater not exactly innocent-
Sirius: oh shut up will you I'm having a bad day
Barty Crouch Jr: well what do you fucking expect this is azkaban
Sirius: doesn't mean you have the right to make it worse.
Barty Crouch Jr: well I mean he did betray the dark lord so there's that-
Sirius: WHAT
Barty Crouch Jr: well duh you didn't know
Sirius: WHAT DO YOU MEAN DUH OF COURSE I DIDNT KNOW
Barty Crouch Jr: fucking stupid gryffindor, yk i got twelve Os on my NEWTS
Sirius: NOBODY CARES!!! ALSO I'M HAVING A CRISIS RIGHT NOW
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blue-jisungs · 11 months
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felix felicis
summary. befriending minghao, the slytherin your friends (no one knows why) hated was horrifying at first. but after some time passed, you’d start wondering if it was some unknown side effects of felix felicis
word count. 7k. wtf.
warnings. mentions of social anxiety, swearing
genre. fluff with a pinch of angst i guess? angst/comfort? however u call it + a lil bit of humour :D
au. hogwarts :D slytherin!hao x hufflepuff!reader
extra. svt cameo and (g)idle cameo bc queen card is stuck in my head + i remembered that one minnie photo in slytherin scarf and i was like??? let’s gooo!!
a/n. this was so fun to write???? lmk if u like hogwarts au, i might write more in such vibes in the future!!! :D
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you stormed into the classroom, textbooks almost falling out of your arms. you quickly scanned the room to see if snape was there… and of course he was there.
“um, good morning! i’m sorry for being late” you blurted out, walking over to your friends.
“what was it this time, miss l/n?” snape grunted, his eyes piercing your soul.
“the stairs” you mumbled, ready to shuffle over to mingyu, your friend. the slytherins snickered at your answer and snape stopped you with a tsk.
“miss l/n, since you’re late let me enlighten you. you’re doing a pair project on brewing felix felicis. and since you’re late you’ll be working with…” snape paused dramatically, looking for someone who didn’t have a pair “… mr xu”
“oh that’s just bullshit” seungkwan hissed, crossing his arms. dokyeom gasped dramatically.
“mr boo, i believe it is my task to pair students. if you’re disagreeing with that, you’re disagreeing with me. which means…” snape stopped, leaving the conclusion to seungkwan.
“just you wait until we tell soonyoung or seungcheol” kwan whispered to you. your older friends will be outraged as well, that’s for sure.
“move to your partner’s desk, miss l/n” your professor ordered and you gave last pleading look to your friends and slowly moved over to minghao, a fellow slytherin.
“poor y/nnie…” mingyu sighed.
it’s not like you personally hated slytherins or had a problem with minghao and his friends. it was your friends who didn’t like them (especially the gryffindors – seungkwan, soonyoung, deokyeom and chan). the main reason of your fear was purely your social anxiety and separation from your friends. and, well, the fact the slytherins were slightly intimidating. you heard they were gossiping about your friends and merlin knows if they weren’t gossiping about you either.
as snape started his introduction to felix felicis, you stood next to minghao. your fingers anxiously played with the hem of your book, avoiding eye contact.
minghao sighed, regretting his friends were older than him (which meant they had different classes right now). well, he’ll just complain about it later. suddenly he caught minnie and shuhua, his slytherin peers, looking at him playfully.
there goes discretion.
“cat got your tongue?” he asked out of the blue, causing you to look up. you shook your head, trying to figure out what to say. hi i’m y/n? how are you? the weather is nice today?
“no” you said softly after a short while “i’m just listening”
“oh? you always seem extra chatty during potions when you’re with those half bloods though” minghao smirked, looking at your friends. you did the same.
seungkwan made a gesture of cutting his throat, which made you scoff.
“but i’m assuming that’s good you’re listening for once. because don’t you dare mess up the position” the dark haired boy’s voice made you turn around slowly, eyes widening “what? felix felicis usually takes up to five months to brew and i wanna get it done as soon as possible”
“oh” you mumbled. minghao fell quiet too, noticing the crease between your brows. suddenly you nodded, sending him a soft smile “i see. i’ll try my best”
you started taking notes of what snape was saying. minghao though, was surprised.
you were so… gentle. no snarky comments that’s he’s a mean, bad slytherin.
that was refreshing, to say at least.
after the class came to an end, you closed your books and said a quiet goodbye to minghao, rushing to mingyu and your other friends.
“how did you even survive?” seungkwan laughed, side eyeing the slytherin boy that was passing you by.
“hey! it wasn’t bad! he’s nice!” you frowned, following your friends’ tracks and going to find the others.
minghao smiled softly upon hearing your words and went to find his mates before the gossip reaches them.
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all the potion classes so far were… peaceful. you worked mostly in silence. but not in awkward silence. his presence was comforting to be around and your gut told you that he’s feeling the same way too. minghao never really give you snarky, mean comments. well, maybe towards your friends or directly at them when they were staring. but never you.
somehow, you weren’t late for the today’s classes. in fact, you were even a little earlier. with no sight of your friends anywhere near, you leaned against the wall and grabbed the book you were currently reading.
lost in your world, you didn’t notice that minghao arrived. he was looking at you with curiosity and even wanted to approach you, when jun showed up.
“oh, i’ve been looking for you!” jun called suddenly, causing you to jerk in surprise. you noticed the two slytherins, wondering when they arrived here.
as you slid down the wall and sat on the floor to continue reading, the boys started talking.
“what do you want?” minghao asked calmly, his eyes still glued to you, a soft smile forming on his face when he recognised the book you were reading. jun turned around, smiling playfully and swinging on his feet.
“are you coming to the three broomsticks this weekend? you didn’t answer jeonghan when he asked you” jun hummed. minghao nodded, shifting his gaze to his friend “good. because we have a lot of things to talk about”
“what do you mean?” minghao grunted and jun just wriggled his brows. the younger punched him, causing jun to squeal.
“okay, okay! you need to start meditating again” jun chuckled and managed to duck another punch that was coming his way “okay! i’m going! have fun!”
minghao just rolled his eyes and once jun was gone, the doors to the classroom opened.
“since you’re here already you can come in” snape announced and disappeared again in the dark classroom.
minghao walked up to you and reached his hand out.
you looked up, closing your book. as a confused frown painted on your face, dokyeom, seungkwan, mingyu and vernon appeared in the hallway.
“don’t make me wait” minghao mumbled coldly. you sent him a warm smile and grabbed his hand. he pulled you gently, helping you stand up.
“YAH!”
you didn’t turn around, you whose voice was that (dokyeom’s). minghao though, tilted his head slightly and send a small smirk to your friends.
“thank you” a hum left your lips and the slytherin nodded, going into the classroom.
mingyu ran up to you, grabbing your face.
“are you okay?!” he yelled out dramatically, causing you to giggle.
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the progress on your potion so far was amazing. it had the right consistency although there was still a lot of work ahead. not to mention your bonds. you didn’t even notice when you started getting along and becoming closer, chatting more and more during the lesson. you discovered that you two have a lot in common and in fact, minghao isn’t that bad as your friends think. he’s pretty cool once you got to know him and above all, you enjoyed his company.
while he was chopping something, you turned around to grab one of the ingredients but in process your wand fell on the floor.
you leaned down to grab it, cursing underneath your breath at your clumsiness. minghao put his hand on the corner of the desk, scanning carefully if you’re not gonna bump into it.
luckily you didn’t – and even if you did, you would bump onto his hand and not the sharp corner. you straightened your back and met vernon’s shocked (frightened, even) gaze. as you turned around you saw minghao taking away his hand and coming back to work. his face was the same, not showing any emotions and simply unbothered.
as blush crept up on your cheeks, you came back to work. suddenly you heard some whispers.
carefully looking around you noticed minnie talking to shuhua, glancing at you.
“did you see that?”
your stomach dropped, your hands starting to sweat. what did they mean by that? but you didn’t do anything… right?
“why did he do that?”
you didn’t even hear when minghao asked you something. you stared at the desk, mind racing with thoughts.
sudden touch on your shoulder made you flinch, your eyes flicking over to worried minghao.
“are you okay?” he asked quietly. letting out a shaky breath, you didn’t realise you were holding, you nodded “you’re a terrible liar”
“isn’t that a good thing though?” you asked with a smile, trying to calm down. minghao scoffed and you took a glance at minnie.
“hufflepuffs…” he mumbled and saw you’re looking away. when he met his friend’s gaze, she stopped gossiping and started working again. minnie’s eyes were locked on minghao’s hand on your shoulder. he took it off, realisation hitting him “i’ll talk to her”
“what? no! what do you mean?” you panicked, tugging his sleeve. this caused his eyes to widen. well, not only his but also your friends’. you cleared your throat and took your hand away “i mean… it’s nothing”
“sure” he grunted angrily, returning to his previous task “don’t mess up the potion”
you but your lip worriedly, nodding slowly. great, you made him angry.
when the lesson ended, you grabbed your stuff and left the classroom. he probably thinks you’re weird now. and what was gonna minnie think about you? it’s not like you wanted to get her in trouble. it’s just…
“yah, y/n!” minghao’s voice made you turn around. you stopped in the middle of the crowd, someone bumping over your shoulder.
seungcheol happened to talk with your ravenclaw friends - joshua, jihoon and wonwoo. they were probably waiting for you to finish your classes since after them you were supposed to go to the three broomsticks. however once seungcheol noticed minghao is bothering you, he was ready to intervene.
you blinked at the slytherin boy as he approached you.
“did i say something?” he asked quietly, aware of your friends watching.
“no! it’s just…” you trailed off, trying to find a way to word your worries without sounding like a weirdo. he’s friends with minnie after all. minghao was waiting patiently “you don’t have to talk to minnie. she was just chatting and i… i guess i was just overthinking. i didn’t want to make you mad or something….”
he scoffed.
you know that it was an amused scoff. seungcheol however, thought it was making fun of you kind of scoff.
“hey, minghao! don’t you have better things to do?” your older friend called, walking over to you. jihoon rolled his eyes.
“none of your business. i’m not talking to you, you filthy–“ minghao stopped in his tracks, looking at you.
“don’t call him like that” you mumbled, sending him a grumpy look “and you, cheol, can you give us a moment?”
“no, it’s fine. i won’t say a thing to minnie, if that’s what you want” minghao grunted, sending seungcheol an angry look. then, shifting his gaze towards you his features softened ever so slightly “and i wasn’t mad at you. i was mad at minnie. but anyways… see you soon”
he walked away, disappearing in the crowd of students.
“what the fuck was that?” seungcheol growled. he wasn’t too happy to find out that you’re working with minghao and now that you seem to be… talking to him? he has a bad feeling. well, not only him.
“it was a normal conversation” you sighed and saw vernon, mingyu, seungkwan and dokyeom coming your way.
“oh my god! did you see that?!” seungkwan yelled out, catching the older’s attention.
“what? don’t even tell me it was something bad, i wanna beat him up already” soonyoung crossed his arms. suddenly chan joined you, making the group complete.
“he–“ mingyu started and you just walked up to the ravenclaws, joshua linking his arm with you.
“they’re overreacting, aren’t they?” wonwoo giggled upon seeing your annoyed look.
“they so are! he’s not bad! they just… didn’t get to know him. i don’t get the slytherin hate” you grunted “not all of them are bad, right?”
“right. it’s just that… you have to be careful. they’re overreacting, i agree, but we don’t want you to get sad” jihoon hummed
“why would i get sad?” you furrowed your brows. the three of them exchanged suspicious looks. joshua shrugged with a playful smile.
“in case cheol beats him up or something” wonwoo sighed dramatically. upon hearing his name, seungcheol skipped over to you.
“pfff… he’s so not going to beat him up. minghao knows material arts! isn’t that so cool?” your eyes lit up and you let out a squeak when seungcheol playfully punched your arm
“i would defeat him in two seconds!” he grinned goofily, causing you all to burst out laughing.
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three months passed and you’d consider minghao your friend. at this point, you see each other every day. not only you have potions together but also transfiguration, defence against the dark arts and much more. you were always so focused on sticking to your friends that you never really realised he’s there. one day minghao even sat with you during history of magic since mingyu and vernon sat together – of course later on soonyoung gave you a lecture about running away if it happens again in the future. you didn’t. – and it stayed like that. even during other classes.
that’s how you ended up getting your first detention. you were trying to keep quiet but he was just telling you a story when jun fell asleep with his eyes open in the school corridor and scared the living shit out of filch.
“mrs l/n, mr xu! you can always go on a date after classes. mind telling us what’s so funny? or maybe you’re just so ahead with the book that you don’t have to listen during my lessons?” flitwick asked, causing you to freeze. you looked at the man, nodding politely as your cheeks turned red. minghao, however, wasn’t impressed.
“well, actually–“ he started, causing you to kick his ankle under the desk “ow!”
“actually what, mr xu?” flitwick rose his eyebrows. you felt the whole class gaze on you two, causing you to redden even more. you hate being in the centre of attention and minghao was certainly having the fun of his life.
“actually i’d love to present the spell we were just talking about. y/n explained it to me lately” minghao shrugged and your eyes widened.
“what are you–“ you started, unable to finish because–
“aqua eructo!” minghao waved his wand happily and you let out a yelp upon water landing all over your head “oh shit–!”
his smile faded away upon seeing you drenched in water… and the rest of the class being soaked.
so that’s how you ended up cleaning it without wands (“because it would be too easy, right?”)
“what were you thinking?” you laughed, wiping the floor while being on your knees.
“i just felt like showing off…” he giggled, looking over at you
“but?” you smiled, wiping the sweat off your forehead with your forearm.
“but… someone made me nervous” he smirked. you rose your eyebrows, looking at him.
“who? flitwick?” your question caused him to scoff, a toothy grin springing on his face.
“yeah, flitwick”
once you were finished it was past 10pm so if you were caught, you definitely would be in trouble.
“i’ll walk you to the dorms” minghao offered.
“but…” you started, not wanting him to lose his sleep time, that he already wasted on the cleaning.. he linked his arms with you with a shy smile.
“no buts. because of me you were stuck and had to help me with the mess. it’s the least i can do. and also… thank you” he explained and you looked at him, melting completely.
“no problem” you grinned and turned around, causing him to almost fall over “but you’re going the wrong way”
you were chatting quietly, almost arriving at your dorms, when suddenly minghao pulled you closer to hide behind a column.
“what–?!” you gasped, taken aback by his action. he just put his free hand over your mouth, head leaning back.
observing his handsome profile made you realise how close you were, his body pressing onto yours. if he turned his head, there would be very little space between your faces–
and he did just that. your heart skipped a bear when minghao looked at you, lips slightly parted. his chest was moving up and down irregularly, trying to keep his breathing as quiet as he could.
he slowly took off his hand from your mouth, sending you an apologetic smile. you looked at his lips quickly – and whether he noticed or not, minghao pulled back.
“filch” he gulped, nodding his head “but it’s safe now”
you nodded as well, realising you were holding onto his hand. you let it go, coughing awkwardly.
“you can go now, it’s close from here” you mumbled, looking up at him. he seemed a bit distracted, which was… weird.
“huh? oh. i’ll go, yeah. wait, do you… are you busy tomorrow?” he asked quietly. you blinked slowly. tomorrow? saturday.
“no. i mean no, i’m not busy” you whispered, trying to remember how to breathe. what was he–
“do you wanna, uh… hang out? in hogsmeade? we can meet after dinner and…” he stopped, clearing his throat. he looked at you nervously, trying to come up with an excuse if you haven’t agreed but–
“i’d love to” you sent him a warm smile. minghao’s eyes lit up, and so did his face.
“see you tomorrow then! and have a good night, y/n!” he grinned and waved happily. you waved back, wishing him a good night as well. you only left after he was gone, the echo of his footsteps turning into peaceful silence.
when you arrived to the dorm, you leaned against the wall. pressing your hand to your chest you realised how ridiculously fast was it beating. is it because of him? it has to be. fuck, did you fell in love or something? no, it’s just the fact that he wanted to hang out with you. alone. on saturday.
mingyu, vernon and cheol were waiting for you, heads turned your way the second they heard someone coming inside the common room. they looked at each other, surprised at your actions.
“i was so stressed! i thought he kidnapped you!” cheol yelled out, causing you to flinch. oh. they’re here. vernon grinned goofily upon your expression “so?! what happened?!”
“it’s just… nothing. nothing happened” you hummed, unable to stop smiling. mingyu let out a sudden gasp “nothing!”
“yeah, sure! why are you smiling like that?!” seungcheol whined.
“i had a fun time, that’s it” you mumbled and shook your head “i’m tired, bye!”
they watched you run to your dorm. vernon winked at mingyu and seungcheol frowned.
“a fun time? with minghao? something’s wrong” he sighed “i don’t like it… and him”
miyeon was looking at you amused as you were panicking, running around the dorm and digging through your clothes
“i shouldn’t be nervous. it’s not a date” you breathed out and grabbed your black and yellow striped sweater.
“it’s a date. also don’t take the sweater, it’s warm” miyeon giggled, standing up from the bed. you put it away, taking a deep sigh.
“you think it’s a date? he just asked if i’m busy today…” you trailed off, looking at her unsurely. thank merlin you had friends like her, with the boys you wouldn’t be able to even have a chat like that. and maybe that’s why you didn’t realise it was a date… or so miyeon said.
“it’s definitely a date. besides…” she trailed off. miyeon fixed your hair that were falling on your face “you look so pretty. now go. and remember, don’t stress”
“i’m not” you sent her a playful look and she just laughed
“if i seungcheol or soonyoung ask about you… uh, i’ll figure something out so don’t worry about that” she giggled mischievously and patted your back “now go, for god’s sake! and please don’t eat too fast during dinner, you’ll choke!”
“okay!” you saluted and stormed out of the girls dorm, causing the three of your hufflepuff friends chilling in the common room to turn their heads.
“minnie was so right, they’ll look so cute together” she whispered once you were gone, rushing to find her friends and tell them about the news.
you tried to follow miyeon’s advice, you really did but upon seeing minghao wearing his casual clothes and waiting for you… you couldn’t help but speedily wolf down your food.
before approaching him you looked around if there are some familiar faces. fortunately, there weren’t. which was suspicious to be honest but at the moment it wasn’t your biggest worrry.
you left the great hall and noticed him leaning against the wall, his features pensive. however, his eyes lit up upon seeing you and you couldn’t help but mirror the wide smile he gave you.
“hi” you hummed, standing in front of him. minghao scanned your face, a mysterious glint in his eyes
“hi y/n. did you sleep well?” he asked, tilting his head. such a simple question and yet, your heart is going crazy. and you didn’t sleep well… you had troubles falling asleep due to excitement rushing through every vein and vessel in your body but obviously you’re not going to tell him that–
“i did, thank you for asking. and you? hopefully you didn’t run into flich on your way back?” you gasped. minghao shook his head and gestured you to start walking.
while you were chatting during the walk to hogsmeade, your hands brushed a couple of times. you tried your best to ignore it but you had a bad feeling that he was well aware of it as well.
“it’s so… oddly empty today, isn’t it?” you blurted out, the path looking nothing like usually on weekends: swarmed with crowds of excited students. and right now… nothing. just you, him and birds chirping in the trees.
“there’s a quidditch match today so i figured i’d be the perfect opportunity to… you know, hang out” he said a bit shyly
“oh yeah. i didn’t even think about this. that’s good, i’m afraid seungcheol would kill me. and you. if he saw us” a heavy sigh left your mouth and he just chuckled.
“i’ve been wondering… how did you even become friends?” minghao asked. his hand once again accidentally brushed yours, sending sparks down your spine.
“well… at first it was only mingyu and vernon. i just sticked to them after the sorting hat announced we’re hufflepuffs. vernon became friends with seungkwan and dokyeom, who were friends with soonyoung since he accidentally got them in trouble at their first day. mingyu befriended wonwoo and seungcheol. and seungcheol is older, so he was already friends with joshua and jihoon. it just… they kind of adopted me” you laughed, a bright smile painted on his lips too “and i don’t mind. i really have problems with socialising so well, yeah, it was awkward at first but i’m really glad i’m friends with them. sometimes they make you extroverted even if you’re the most socially awkward person ever. which i am. and because of that chan is our friend too! i adopted him”
minghao grinned, looking at your proud face. he recalled how many times you were hanging out with the younger gryffindor boy which now made extra sense.
“same with the girls, kind of. my roommate is miyeon! and miyeon is friends with soyeon and yuqi. i mean we’re not that close as i am with the boys but still, i love hanging out with them” you explained, crossing your arms. speaking of which, did miyeon even check the weather? it wasn’t that warm…
“you do know that they’re friends with minnie and shuhua, right?” minghao asked slowly, scanning your face.
“yeah, of course! that’s kind of why… back then i didn’t want you to talk to minnie. it bothered me because i was overthinking, you know… what would she think of me? she’d tell soyeon and then they would stop hanging out with me” you grumbled and minghao let a soft laugh.
“oh, y/n. they wouldn’t do that, i promise. you’re too precious” he hummed and noticed how you’re rubbing your bare arms “are you cold?”
“just a bit, but…” your voice trailed off when minghao stopped in his tracks and took off his grey hoodie. he stood behind you and helped you put it on. after that, he came back in front of you and zipped it gently.
“here you go” he hummed and you swore his ears were tinted red.
“thank you” you mumbled, not really sure what’s the source of your warmth: his hoodie or your glowing red cheeks.
in a matter of time you arrived to three broomsticks, the local not so fully crowded. minghao ordered two butter beers for you and went to find a seat while you excused yourself to the bathroom.
upon seeing your reflection you had to take a few deep breaths. his hoodie was too big on you but you liked it. besides, it actually went along with your outfit. not to mention that it smelled like him. you shook your head, trying to pull yourself together. it’s just a hoodie that he gave you because you were cold. stop being weird–
you left the bathroom and noticed minghao sitting at a table with… jeonghan and jun. he was faced back to you, so naturally he didn’t see you and his friends didn’t seem to notice you either.
you walked up, not wanting to eavesdrop but…
“what are you doing here? two beers? is that a date?!” jun sing-sung and suddenly let out a gasp, realisation settling in “with the hufflepuff girl–?!”
“what? no! shut up!” minghao grunted. jeonghan frowned, tilting his head
“that one girl that’s always attached to those bloody gryffindors? and seungcheol?” he asked and minghao started panicking.
“well yeah but– it’s not a date. it’s nothing serious. we just came here to discuss the potion, that’s it. once we’re done with it i’m done with her too” minghao explained, his breath shaking “she pisses me off, really…”
your heart dropped, hands starting to shake. so cheol was right from the begging…
“what do you mean?! you’re basically glued to each other and like, it’s nothing bad” jun frowned. your vision started getting blurry because of the tears forming in your eyes. you should go before they notice you.
“jun, end of topic. i don’t even like her that much, get it?” minghao snapped and you let out a deep breath “she’s so annoying! it’s like a torture being around her–“
“uh, minghao…” jeonghan sighed, his gaze shifting. he turned around and saw you leaving.
minghao’s heart dropped. fuck, fuck, fuck. it wasn’t supposed to be like that! why did he even…
he stood up, running after you. jun looked at his older friend and grabbed the two butter beers that minghao left behind.
“he doesn’t like her, huh? does he think we’re blind or what?” jun scoffed and they laughed, taking a sip of the beverage.
“well he may like here but she sure won’t like him now” jeonghan rolled his eyes at the younger’s stupidity.
you were wiping your cheeks, heart thumping against your rib cage. your mind was racing with thoughts but the most repetitive one was that your friends were right.
“y/n!”
he was coming after you. why bother now? you didn’t stop, harsh sobs leaving your mouth.
suddenly you bumped into something or rather, someone.
“hey! hey, y/n? oh baby!” soyeon’s voice was filled with worry and you just hugged onto her “what happened?”
you just shook your head. soyeon hugged you tightly and noticed minghao coming your way.
“i see. this asshole” she grunted and turned around, leading you towards the castle.
minghao stopped upon seeing that. right. it was probably for the best to give you some time now…? or at least talk to you alone.
well, luck wasn’t by his side.
“–the hit? i swear, you’re like a tiger when you enter the field!” chan grinned and soonyoung laughed loudly.
“isn’t that y/n?” wonwoo asked suddenly, pointing at you
they all turned around, eyes widening upon noticing your shaking body. soyeon and yuqi were walking with you, the gryffindor girl wiping your tears.
chan wanted to walk up to you but yuqi noticed him and gave him a warning look.
“not now” jihoon mumbled, pulling him back.
“what happened?” dokyeom whispered. they all watched how the girls walked you back to the dorms.
“as if i know” seungkwan rolled his eyes. joshua gasped suddenly and rushed the other way.
“what’s up with him?” seungcheol shook his head. you’ll definitely have to talk to them later.
miyeon patted your hair as you bawled your eyes out, tightly hugging your pillow.
“why do i care so much?” you breathed out, looking at her confused.
“oh, y/nnie…” she sighed, concern on her face. then it hit you.
because you like him. way more than a friend.
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minghao haven’t seen you the whole weekend. he only got a lecture from minnie and shuhua about hurting your feelings, not being able to treat girls properly and all of that. as if he didn’t know he messed up. they told him you were crying the whole time and even if he didn’t believe them, the sight of you on a monday morning a proof. and it was heart breaking. especially that he knew he was the source of it.
during your lessons you sat with vernon. your friends probably didn’t know what happened yet since they seemed confused and seungcheol or soonyoung haven’t spoken to him yet. besides joshua, he kept side eyeing the slytherins every time they passed you by, especially jeonghan.
and for the first time ever minghao was looking forward to potions. you’ll have to talk to him, right? you can sit with someone else during charms but during potions you’re his partner.
however, you were absent.
“where’s miss l/n?” snape asked, clicking his tongue.
“she isn’t feeling very well, she went to madam pomfrey” mingyu explained, his voice lacking the usual enthusiasm. he looked over at minghao, and if only looks could kill...
“i see. next week i’m going to grade your potions so someone tell her that she’ll better be here” he said and have minghao a questioning look.
“what if he poisoned her? you know, so he can gain all the credits?!” seungkwan gasped a little too loudly, causing to draw attention to him.
“you’re being too dramatic, mr boo. and if mr xu did happen to do that, i’ll make sure he gets the proper punishment” snape hissed and the lesson begun.
minghao felt strange without your presence.
seungcheol grabbed your arm when you were leaving the great hall after supper. the bags under your eyes made his heart clench.
“hey, y/n. are you okay? because clearly…” he started. suddenly jihoon joined you, crossing his arms. you let out a sigh, trying to look away but you met minghao’s gaze. well to be fair, you were standing in the middle of the room.
“i’m fine. just a little sick, that’s all” you grunted “can you let me go? i’m tired”
“we need to talk” seungcheol said, voice stern. soonyoung noticed you all and stood up from your seat to join you.
“i’m tired” you repeated coldly. seungcheol turned around and saw minghao looking your way
“then i’ll just talk to him” he grunted and let you go. jihoon grabbed his arm, preventing him from going further and pointed at you.
tears gathered at your water line as you let out a deep sigh.
“y/n, chan asked you to meet with him at the gryffindor quidditch team locker room” joshua’s voice appeared from nowhere, drawing everyone’s attention. soonyoung, who joined you, frowned.
“mkay” you mumbled quietly and wiped your tears with shaky hands “i’ll talk to you later, i promise”
when you walked away, soonyoung punched seungcheol
“what did you do! you made her cry!” he grunted.
“no i didn’t!” the older yelled. while the gryffindors argued, jihoon came back to his seat. because of that none of them noticed jeonghan and minghao passing them by and the older one winking at joshua.
you sat down at the bench, waiting for chan. looking down on the floor, you were busy with swinging your feet. suddenly you heard the door open and you let out a sigh.
“finally you’re here” a hum left your mouth, the sound of door closing disturbing the quietness of the room “i’m not in the best mood to talk so sorry if…”
you looked up and words died in your throat upon seeing minghao. he was just as confused as you.
the room felt silent again (for different reasons though), tension thickening.
“y/n i need to-“ he started but you stood up, passing him by and pushing the door. well, wanting to. they didn’t bulge a bit.
“y/nnie i locked the door! have fun~!” joshua’s happy voice from the other side made you gasp
“you traitor!” you grunted, looking around slowly at minghao.
“wait, jeonghan?” he called out, frowning.
“yeah. just talk it through already, i don’t want to wait here for the whole day” jeonghan said
“why would you…?” you murmured and started looking for your wand. oh.
“let’s go further away though, let them have some privacy” joshua’s voice sounded worried and there were steps echoing on the other side.
“i wanna listen though–!” jeonghan whined.
after a moment there was silence again. minghao was looking at you, his eyes filled with guilt.
“y/n, listen to me please” he spoke softly, playing with his fingers.
“why would i? aren’t i a torture to be around with? why you even bother?” you grunted and returned to the bench, looking away from him.
it hurt. you avoided him because whenever you looked at him, your heart shattered into pieces again and again.
“i’m sorry”
you gulped, trying to look unbothered.
the sound of his steps approaching and him sitting on the bench didn’t help your case.
“i’m so fucking sorry. it’s… i shouldn’t have said that. never. i know it was horrible and i’m in no place to make excuses but listen to me, please” he said, his voice filled with genuine pain. you turned around, yet you didn’t face him. gaze stuck on the floor, as if the dust there was the most interesting thing ever, you started drumming your fingers anxiously against the bench’s surface.
“i was scared. i was scared that my friends will judge me; i was scared that they’ll tell my parents; i was scared of others, what will they think: a slytherin with a hufflepuff? i was scared… because i panicked. i panicked… because i like you. but i was afraid that if somehow someone would find out, you’d be in danger and–“ minghao sucked a breath and you noticed how close his hand was next to you, your pinkies brushing against each other “i didn’t mean any of those words that i said. well…”
minghao scanned your face. he was frightened. you were sitting silently, not answering him. will you ever forgive him.
“well?” you choked out, chest heavy.
“being around you is like a torture because i’m madly in love with you. it hurts me physically to look at you crying, to look at your pretty face and knowing i can’t kiss it. to see how wildly you’re grinning at those stupid loud ass gryffindors’ jokes–“ he halted, eyes widening. fuck, he overshared. he overshared and you’ll hate him even more than you did–
you grabbed his hand, giving it a small squeeze. minghao’s face heated up upon the gesture, his heart skipping a beat. what does this mean? are you comforting him or…?
you’re crying.
“y/n, no no no no… don’t cry, please” he panicked, leaving to kneel in front of you. with your free hand you covered your face, the rest of your body shaking.
“you’re making me cry so much, i hate you” you let out a breathy laugh, wiping your eyes even though the tears wouldn’t stop.
“what?” he whispered, his thumb reassuringly stroking your hand.
“you like me?” you chuckled, finally looking at him. his brown irises were focused on you, features softening.
“did you just full on ignore the apology part?” he scoffed, brining a smile on both of your faces
“i… i’m not going to lie, i was hurt. i felt like i was betrayed: a someone who i treated as a friend said he hated me… but… you were scared? oh, hao… i’d be an idiot to forgive you but well, aren’t i already?” you whispered. minghao tried to ignore the swarm of butterflies that appeared in his stomach due to the nickname, his head plopping down and resting against your knee.
“i’m so sorry. i’ll never forgive myself for hurting you like that. i know i broke your trust and heart probably. but please… please give me another chance” he breathed out.
you tapped his arm lightly. the slytherin boy rose his head up, eyes shining with anticipation.
“see, there’s one thing you need to know: i like you. and that horrible event made me realise that. so i’d say give me a kiss and i’ll give you a chance–“ you broke into laughter when he eagerly stood up. when he leaned closer, you put your hand on his lips, giggling even more upon his confused expression “–but for merlin’s sake i do not want our first kiss to take place in this stinky locker room”
eyes widening, minghao leaned away. with a soft oh he scrunched up his nose.
“okay, i think i know where we can go. but… jeonghan and joshua…?” he rose his eyebrows.
“easy there, lover boy” you stood up, letting go of his hand. minghao’s heart was racing, the realisation hitting him: you like him. you forgave him. and you’re willing to kiss him? if not the fact that your felix felicis wasn’t finished, he would have thought that someone poured it into his tea.
“hey bro, not to interrupt your meditation or whatever but y/n is gone” jeonghan’s voice made him snap back to reality, dropping the smile that subconsciously formed on his lips
“where’d she go?” minghao asked, looking at his older friend. jeonghan was smiling suspiciously, a mischievous smirk on his face.
minghao rushed after you, apparently walking back to your dorm.
“y/n!” he called upon seeing you in the hallway. he run up to you, ignoring the weird looks from strangers and gasps from your girl friends (including minnie’s “i told you!” and yuqi’s “wait, they made up?”)
you turned around, a goofy smile on your face.
“yeah?” your voice was filled with playfulness, alas your eyes were glinting with excitement.
“can i please kiss you? i feel like i might explode if i don’t” minghao breathed out, chest rising up and down irregularly.
“you’re not afraid of what will others think?” you teased, tilting your head slightly.
“i’ll be honest, the moment you called me a lover boy i feel like i was reborn” he grunted, his usual grumpy expression forming on his face once realising how cheesy he sounds “can i–?”
“yeah” you laughed and in no time his big, soft palms were cupping your cheeks tenderly. the air was knocked out of your lungs as soon as his pillowy lips landed against yours.
normally, your mind would be racing with what ifs: what if the others think you’re weird? what if your friends see you? what if the teachers catch you? but now… minghao soothed away your anxiety and nervousness, his embrace and the feeling of him and only him making you forget about the world.
loud cheers and applause (coming from your girl friends) in the hallway made you smile into the kiss, and he reacted the same way. without pulling away yet you put your hands on his neck, trying to bring him even closer.
minghao pulled away but didn’t lean back too far. you could see the sparks in his eyes, soft smile on his lips. and you couldn’t stare at him like that for the whole day of not the yells in the background becoming louder and louder.
“can we run away somewhere? i can hear seungcheol approaching and i do not want to be beaten up by him… and also we could have one or two more kisses…?” he mumbled looking through his shoulder to see, in fact, your older friend. soyeon, shuhua and jihoon were trying to stop him while yuqi, minnie were arguing about something with soonyoung and seungkwan (“leave them alone it’s not like he’s hurting her?!” “but the sight is hurting my eyes-!”). miyeon and wonwoo were shaking their heads, chan and vernon signalled you to run.
so you did, giggling. minghao’s hand was squeezing yours, fingers intertwined.
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you stormed into the classroom, textbooks almost falling out of your arms. you quickly scanned the room to see if snape was there… and of course he was there.
“um, good morning! i’m sorry for being late” you blurted out, walking over to your desk.
“what was it this time, miss l/n?” snape grunted, his eyes piercing your soul.
“sorry for being late– ” minghao bursted into the classroom, his tie loosened and collar all over the place, revealing his neck tinted in…
“ew” mingyu grunted. as the slytherin boy walked over to you, you fixed his collar with pink cheeks. you told him to do it but obviously he’s just an attention seeker… and he has a thing for showing off you’re a couple now.
snape was speechless. he turned around, sighing.
“prepare your potions. i’ll be checking them in a minute” he announced and you looked over at minghao, his eyes sparkling with boyish playfulness.
“idiot” you scoffed and nudged his arm.
you never used felix felicis, you just didn’t see any sense of even using a potion like that. despite that, you did feel lucky that you meet minghao while working on it. maybe it was just a side effect of felix felicis? or maybe just destiny?
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[ masterlist <3 ]
taglist.  @geniejunn ,, @luvhyun3 ,, @starlostseungmin ,, @elviransworld ,, @jnks6r ,, @sieunsgf ,, @ethereallino ,, @laylasbunbunny ,, @duolingofanaccount ,, @slytherinshua ,, @stxrseungs ,, @ka-ni-ma ,, @iliveforlixie ,, @ameliesaysshoo ,, @dazzlingligth ,, @mark-geolli ,, @l3visbby ,, @w3bqrl ,, @ddeonudepressions ,, @yourfavoritefreakyhan ,, @cinnamoroxie ,, @kazmura
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regulusblock · 8 months
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Regulus, on his hotel room balcony: *sneezes*
Barty, on his room balcony above him: Bless you
Regulus: God????
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delineate-creates · 6 months
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Day 31: Fire
Tom looked to Harry, grinning, wanting him to share in the fun.
Then paused, amazed.
Harry was on fire.
Red and gold flames encased his entire body, licking harmlessly up his legs, his chest, his face. The fire was soft and friendly, the kind that danced behind the grate in the cottage, or kept travellers warm from inside a circle of logs. It was his soul, and unlike Tom’s, it was whole; as perfect as it had been on the day he was born.
From chapter 25 of @cybrid’s A Dangerous Game
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aethon-recs · 7 months
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Hi! Thank you for all your recs. I have downloaded most of them and read most of them during my 2 weeks family vacation. They were great. I was wondering if you could recommend me any tomarry crack fics that are hilarious.
This was such a fun ask, thank you for sending this in! I had a ton of fun revisiting some old favorites in this ship that made me laugh and cry-laugh and then laugh some more. As I was rereading and sorting through the fics on this list, I noticed a few recurring themes that came up... coffeeshop AUs, social media fics, funeral-themed fics(!???), and a myriad of food-themed fics. 
I really hope you enjoy this selection of hilarious silly clever witty cracky takes on Tomarrymort 🤍
*
Tomarrymort Crack Recs
A Slice of Heaven by jellybeantarot (M, 3k, complete)
Tom is a sex worker under an agency that masks as a pizzeria, Harry orders a large sausage pizza, and yep, that's a dick in a pizza box.
almost got in a knife fight after work (a thread) / things i’ve learned since dating knife boy (a follow-up thread) by chaoscookiescrimes  (T, 2k, complete)
just Harry @'thechosenone' All im saying is a pocketknife is a purchase you’ll almost never regret.
and they were roommates by @purplemineralwater (M, 3k, complete)
Tom and Harry, roommates and stars of Gogglebox, are adored by their fans. Unbeknown to them, the fans of the show want them to be more than friends.
cam and get it by @swoontodeath (E, 3k, WIP)
Harry Potter isn't one for pornography. He's got a perfectly adequate imagination, thank you very much, not to mention a fully functional right hand. One accidental glimpse of Tom Riddle's arse, though, threatens to change everything.
Coffee Moste Evile by @wynnefic (T, 4k, complete)
After graduating Hogwarts, Tom finds work at Borgin & Burke's, where he diligently sells the darkest of arts(-themed coffee and pastries).
Dark Lord Coffee by @being-luminous (T, 4k, complete)
In which Voldemort runs his empire from a coffee shop, and wizards are generally very ridiculous.
Dearly Beloved by @wynnefic (T, 3k, complete)
Worn down after countless demands, Harry breaks and finally goes on a date with the incredibly ostentatious, vain, and self-absorbed Tom Marvolo Riddle the Third. A few days later, he attends Tom's funeral, which goes much better.
Do You Want Fries With That? (part 1) / Tom's Time Has Fry-nally Come (part 2) by jellybeantarot (T, 16k, complete)
Harry really needed some money, Dumbledore needed someone to dress up as Wendy, and Tom was the only one with the desperation to be Ronald McDonald.
found you sleeping in my coffin by @the-wig-is-a-metaphor (M, 6k, complete)
Harry gets turned into a vampire. For better or worse, Tom is there to help.
Full circle by tetsurashian (NR, 67k, WIP)
Harry and Tom’s souls are tied together. Which is why they’re in this endless loop of rebirth. At some point, they stopped caring and just started fucking with people.
Harry James [Redacted] by @duplicitywrites (T, 24k, WIP)
It had been three weeks since Harry had mistakenly landed in the 1970s, given his name to Dumbledore as Harry James, and been re-Sorted as a Slytherin. He's now broken the timeline, busted his parents' first date, and potentially botched his chances of ever being born. And, just maybe, he's also caught the attention of a certain rising Dark Lord.
Harry Potter and the—Well, Anything But This by @cindle-writes (E, 21k, WIP)
It’s 12 years after the war has ended that Death sends Harry back in time to fix the timeline and save his soulmate. Except there's one catch. Harry has to start over again from his first year.
Hiss Hiss by @vdoshu (G, 1k, complete)
Harry goes to buy himself a pet for Christmas. Tom sees this as an opportunity.
Inventing Paradoxes (part 1) / Deconstructing Paradoxes (part 2) by @perhaps-sunlight (G, 75k, complete)
When budding Dark Lord Tom Riddle overhears a prophecy predicting his demise at the hands of Harry Potter, he hatches a devious and brilliant plan: befriend the enemy, master the power-that-he-knows-not, and then eliminate him.
Keeping Your Human-Child Horcrux Happy in Captivity; A Guide to Enrichment (part 1) / The Horcrux Hotline (part 2) by @cannibalinc (M, 9k, complete)
A self-improvement series for Dark Lords with troublesome human-horcruxes. 
Local Preteens Entrap Murderous Wraith (You Won’t Believe What Happens Next) by @being-luminous (T, 22k, complete)
Harry, Ron, and Hermione discover a spell. They decide to perform it, and no one is pleased with the result.
Magically Delicious by @dividawrites, @duplicitywrites (E, 10k, complete)
Draco Malfoy is selling 'Voldemort Bathwater Boxes' at Hogwarts for questionable, unknown reasons. Harry is more curious than he should be, and this has disastrous consequences for everyone... but mostly for Harry.
no amount of therapy can help by @the-wig-is-a-metaphor (G, 2k, WIP)
The entire internet is aware of occultist youtuber Lord Voldemort's infatuation with niche content creator JustHarry. The entire internet is baffled.
no helping hand by TheOnceandFutureQueenofTarts (M, 2k, complete)
Harry just wants to have a wank; Voldemort just wants to make that as difficult and unsatisfying as possible.
Once a Paw a Time by @youlighttheskyfanfiction (T, 3k, complete)
In which Tom is still Tom, and Harry is a black cat intent on making Tom miserable. Or happy. Who knows? Certainly not Harry the cat who is absolutely just a normal cat.
Oversight by @dividawrites (E, 21k, WIP)
Voldemort’s resurrection ritual doesn’t go as smoothly as he’d planned. He requires assistance and there’s only one person he can ask—the boy tied to his father’s gravestone.
Prison Blues by @metalomagnetic (E, 68k, WIP)
Harry and Voldemort find themselves locked up in a mysterious prison.
r/AITA by @seagate-blog (G, 3k, complete)
A budding relationship seen through the eyes of Reddit posts.
Right in Front of My Salad? by IceLynx (T, 2k, complete)
In which Draco Malfoy is dead in the kitchen, Harry is regretting moving in with his boyfriend, and Tom has never been more in love.
Stories Told at Your Funeral by IceLynx (G, 5k, complete)
Tom Riddle fakes his death. To Harry Potter, the man in charge of Tom's funeral, it's all very vexing. Harry might be an undertaker, but this is a very different undertaking.
Terms and Conditions May Apply by @duplicitywrites (T, 17k, WIP)
Lord Voldemort gets one chance at a new life. This new chance comes with a lot of conditions.
The Potter Problem by Icefall (T, 8k, complete)
During his twenty-fourth time loop, Lord Voldemort meets Harry Potter at a Muggle nightclub.
The Way to a Man’s Heart by @mosiva (T, 26k, complete)
Tom has an unknown nemesis. Harry has Tom’s lunch.
The Voice of Victory by @vdoshu (T, 3k, complete)
Lord Voldemort loves a good villain speech. Harry’s just the sort to interrupt him.
Thigh High by @kushimanii (T, 400, complete)
There, covering Harry’s long, smooth legs, were the most horrifying things Tom had ever seen. And Harry was lying in their bed with them. Tom knew what his new Boggart was.
Until Midnight Comes by @dividawrites (E, 26k, complete)
A few years after the war Harry reluctantly attends a party at Malfoy Manor. He drinks a few too many and runs into a handsome man called Tom. What happens after is definitely not a drunken error in judgement—it’s love at first, blurry sight instead.
Welcome to the Cultys by @duplicitywrites (E, 12k, WIP)
Harry had two main regrets in his life: 1. Asking the question “What if I set up a mock awards show to get cult leaders to show up for my thesis study?” 2. Responding with “That is hilarious” when Ron had suggested they call the awards show 'The Cultys'.
Would You Still Love Me? by @chiocchi (M, comic/artwork, WIP)
"Harry, would you still love me if I was a snake?" Harry knows how this question works. No matter how deranged and unreasonable it is, he has to say yes. A notion he may come to regret once Tom's questions start to get darker and oddly specific.
yer a monster fucker, harry by @exarite (M, 3k, complete)
Voldemort suggests they fake a relationship. It's a reasonable suggestion, so of course Harry says yes.
*
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In the last week I've learned about bitchkiller (Sirius x Barty) and Partyvan (Peter x Barty x Evan) and wow I gotta say, if there was a fandom that'd have to win a creativity award it'd have to be this one. No questions.
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alwaysthehbp · 10 months
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Hermione: I know you’re like a father to Harry—
Snape: Did he say that? Did you get it on tape?
Hermione: No, I—
Snape: No he didn’t say it or no you didn’t get it on tape?
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moonlightdancer26 · 2 years
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not a single brain cell in sight
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ggadtomarry · 1 year
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Blorbos Barbie
Well, I warned you.
If no one will make them... I will.
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And now because the Barbie generator made something genius, bonus Tom!
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