Tumgik
#how have i never reblogged this its so good im fragile
alj0saray · 2 days
Text
Jealousy Himeru
Tumblr media
ೃ⁀➷ TW/CW: DARK CONTENT, SMUT, 18+ (MINORS/AGELESS/BLANK BLOGS DON’T INTERACT), Bad English, AFAB Reader (body parts and gendered pronouns), Toxic Relationship, Fingering, Dom Character, Dubcon/Noncon, Yandere, OOC Himeru, let me know if I need to add more TW/Tags ♡ My blog contains dark content, be careful when interacting/following! Please if you like my work don't forget to reblog/interact with me♡ Minors, ageless, blank blogs, and silent readers will get blocked if interact with me.
Tumblr media
⤠ Oral (Niki, Rinne, Eichi, Kaoru) ⤟ Enstars Masterlist ⤠ Virgin Niki ⤟
Tumblr media
anon requested: hello! not new to your blog but very new to requesting. i was wondering if its okay to ask something for maybe yandere himeru.. afab and something smutty. like he saw someone getting spoiled by someone else at a store and becomes sorta jealous so he needs to let her now shes his!! hhhh im sorry if its a bit too general or vague!! please and thank you! 
Im so sorry that this so short! But I had really a hard time trying to write for Himeru, he's such a hard character to write for! I'm not sure if i nailed this because i tried to write more about himeru as a person and not the idol, if that makes sense lmao also hi enstars fandom its been so long
Tumblr media
Himeru never claimed to be your boyfriend, or one of your close friends. He was just there in your life, often working together but nothing much. Yet he couldn't help but have a growing obsession about you, and he always wonders why. Why is he so obsessed with you? Why he can’t help himself but to get closer to you, until he can finally call himself a close friend? Maybe it's better not to know. 
Oh, but he knows what hes feeling when he sees the cashier clearly flirting with you. Jealousy. Hatred. Anger. Oh if he hates it, how they are flirting so shamelessly with you while he’s just right there, behind you sending dead glares to the cashier. 
Tumblr media
“I’m sorry but me and my girlfriend have to go” he finally says after a while, taking your hand in his. “Goodbye” he adds before he tugs you away with unnecessary force, making you gasp in surprise. 
“Himeru there was no need to act like that!” 
He sighs, you always have been too sweet and naive for your own good. He hated it. Having you being so nice and kind towards everyone even if they didn't deserve it, and he just had to stay there and watch over it. He was tired of it. He wanted to be your everything, your boyfriend. 
So he kissed you. Hard. Teeth crashing sort of kiss, so rough so desperate so needy. And your lips feel so soft on his, like they were made for him to kiss. They feel so right and hes so glad that, after your initial surprise, you reciprocate the kiss. He licks your lips with his tongue, asking for entrance, and when you do open your mouth he so eagerly licks and sucks your tongue. 
Himeru's hands go to your hips, pushing you against the wall to have a more private moment between you two. His hand that was once in your hips go lower and lower until it was on your ass, groping it to make you moan into the kiss. 
“N, no Himeru... I’m not sure if...” you mutter, separating from the kiss with still a bit of saliva connecting you two. You couldn’t help but feel so little in Himeru's hands, so fragile. He just kissed you so suddenly does he want to take this stuff even further? 
“Its okay baby, I promise I won’t do anything bad or hurt you,” he says, groping your ass and kissing your neck. “I just wanna feel you a bit, won’t do anything extreme I promise” 
His hand goes from your ass to your cunt, slowly teasing your clit with his fingers smirking when he notices you gasping and a little moan comes from your mouth. He continues his motions before his hands go inside of your clothes, inside your panties. 
“You are so wet,” he notices, his fingers already dripping with your juices. You were so wet it's so easy for him to push one finger in, fingering you slowly. “See? I don’t wanna hurt you, I promise it's gonna feel even better...” 
Tumblr media
This work belongs to @/alj0saray, do not repost, translate, copy, rewrite or share on tiktok without my permission. Reblogs are appreciated and encouraged♡
↳˗ˏˋTaglistˊˎ˗ ↴ none. want to be added to my taglist? Please check here! Feel free to send some feedback about it🤍
2 notes · View notes
mchiti · 11 months
Note
still me, one direction anon 😂 I laughed when you said we will be singing live while we're young at the their reunion in our 40s. At this rate this is probably going to happen. I think it's good they are not reuniting sooner though, as much as I missed them I know it was very bad for them 😔. That's why I don't understand their resentment towards zayn still given he was battling an ED. Sorry for ranting in your ask about them btw. Im probably annoying you 😂😂 But you're so nice xxx
Hi dear anon! Forgive me if i'm answering after days. I actually find it very sweet that I reblogged one single song from zayn and I have summoned a wave of nostalgia jhfgdsa. I really don't mind it bc I love those memories and I actually loved those losers (affectionate). Still listen to them occasionally and memorabilia is still there in my room and there it stays, no shame. collective pop culture is a great thing that shapes generations (we like it or not).
I'm just putting the rest under the cut for two reasons: first I don't want to annoy who understandably doesn't give a shit and second
TW: EATING DISORDER please look away if it's triggering.
From what I gather from keeping up occasionally when I feel nostalgic: I think they all kind of came to terms with everything? I saw a recent interview of Louis cause he talked about Zayn and I actually found it very sweet how he said he does understand more of it now. I actually really appreciate Louis as a person. I kind of thought of Harry as a pettier person but he was also nice enough when he talked about Zayn recently?
To be fair I think they all knew about his ED. I know a lot of their fans are still very delusional and find stuff when they are not there (the first rule always was: do not believe anything they say). But one thing that actually makes sense to me is that story of Harry never singing "weigh" in little things in the last half of 2014 (which was when Zayn said his disorder was at its worst and it was so apparent looking back at it now. It makes me so uncomfortable when I see videos & pics of that time. You know? That's also a very sensitive topic to me so yeah I feel so sorry for him, he looked so fragile and yet we were all here stanning him and thinking he looked like a Disney prince then...I'm glad those days are over yeah? I still find Four the best album and I have fond memories of it but they really looked terribly exhausted). I don't want to sound delusional and I certainly don't want to cuddle a white man for doing the bare minimum but seems to me very obvious he knew about it from the way he used to look at him while (not) singing that and from a lot of dynamics. and so the others. I guess it was mostly about the way he left in the middle of that tour, but it's been 8 years now...really feels like a lifetime. Sure they were rich and privileged, but what happened to them in terms of overwork and exhaustion really should not happen again (5 albums and 4 world tours in 5 years? How is that ...yeah) I think they all suffered much and they certainly know it and hint at that all the time. If they come back in years and on their own terms, that'll be very sweet (and i'll be there too! lool)
4 notes · View notes
havin-a-wee · 3 years
Text
Every Little Thing
pairing: actress!y/n x harry
word count: 948
warnings: insecurities, the fluffiest of fluff
im in a mood lol. i wanna make like a bunch of blurbs and stuff about actress!y/n and harry so send me requests if you want another thing with them. im hoping to make it like a kind of series.
PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU ENJOY
Tumblr media
She stared in the mirror, observing the unknown figure that reflected. Her hands ran along the side of her hips, feeling the ridges that were left behind after she carried a baby inside of her for 9 months.
A tear trickled down her face. She barely recognized the person in the mirror, and she knew that the world wouldn’t take kindly to her new body, regardless of the fact that she gave birth only a few months prior. Being an actress, Y/N knew how to deal with trolls and hater better than many people. But she could never protect herself from the body-shaming comments and messages that flooded her social media from the start of her fame. Being in the public eye is awful, and it's gotten even worse since she began dating, and then married Harry Styles.
But Y/N would never give up the pure love that the two of them shared because of some pesky paparazzi.
Y/N hadn’t really inspected her own body since she gave birth. Partially because she was so busy with their daughter Bea, short for Beatrice. (Or as Harry calls her - Honeybea) But she also purposefully avoided getting a good look at herself in the mirror, scared of what she would see looking back at her.
But while Harry was putting their 3-month-old angel to bed, she had decided to take a shower, a long one where she could shave and whatnot, which is something she hadn’t been able to do in way too long. After she undressed, she turned to the mirror without thinking. And there she was.
Stretch marks lining the bottom of her abdomen, marking the place where her skin stretched to accommodate her pregnancy belly. The pouch of fat on her stomach created rolls, and the skin was looser and flabby. Her arms and thighs were bigger now too because of the ridiculous amount of sugary foods that she had craved during her pregnancy.
“Hey bub, are you get-”
She spun around to see Harry in the doorway, staring at her with wide eyes. If she wasn’t in such a fragile state, she would have recognized the look on Harry’s face as lust, suddenly turned on by his love standing naked before him. But Y/N wasn’t thinking straight, and she misread the look on his face as one of shock and confusion, rather than attraction.
Another hot tear slipped down her cheek. And another. And another.
She thought Harry was disgusted with her, shocked that she looked like this instead of what she looked like throughout their relationship. Her heart hurt as she stared back at the love of her life, thinking that he didn’t like the way she looked anymore.
“Darling what happened?” He took a step forward, embracing her in his strong arms. Instinctively, she accepted the hug, burying her face into his chest as more tears spilled from her red eyes. Harry picked his head up and she did the same, looking into those green eyes that she loved so much. “Please tell me what’ happened lovie, y’know I hate seein’ y’cry.”
“I-I’m just-” She didn’t really know what to say to him, because she wanted to talk to him about it, but also she thought that he hated the way she looks now, and she knew that him confirming her suspicions would break her heart. “I’m sorry.”
“For what bub? What’re yeh sorry for?”
“I’m sorry I look like this now. I hate it too, and I’m gonna try to get back to what I used to look like.”
“Woah woah woah, hold on a minute.” Y/N stepped back from his embrace, slightly raising an eyebrow at her husband in confusion. “What’s wrong with what y’look like? Cause I personally think y’look incredibly sexy righ’ now.”
Y/N shook her head in disbelief, looking down at the ground briefly before bringing her gaze to his again. “I’ve got all this fat,” she pulled on her stomach fat, “all these stretch marks,” she pointed to them, “and I just look so different. You don’t have to lie and say I look good.”
Harry chuckled a bit and looked back at his still naked wife. “Are you serious?” She nodded her head, biting her lip in curious anticipation for what he was about to say. “Darlin’, m’not lying. Y’look gorgeous right now and always. Y’are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing, and it make me sad that y’don’t see yourself like that.” He stepped forward again, gripping onto her shoulders and turning her to face the mirror. He stood behind her, moving his hands down and placing them on her waist. “See this?” He moved his hand onto the rolls on her stomach, placing soft pressure on the supple flesh. “This is so y’have enough room f’when we make more babies together.” Finally, a smile made its way onto Y/Ns face, eliciting a smile from Harry as well. His hands traveled down to grip the front of her thighs, and she looked down to see. “All of this,” he gave her thighs a soft squeeze, “s’just more area f’me to suck on darlin”. This time she laughed, looking back up in the mirror to see the gleeful expression that was plastered on Harry’s face. “And these,” he ran his fingers over her stretch marks, “these are m’favorite. These are y’tiger stripes Y/N. They match m’tattoo!” He used his other hand to point to his upper thigh, the material of his sweatpants covering the ink.
“Thank you, Harry. I love you,” she sighed, resting back against Harry’s chest.
“I love you more, my beautiful girl.”
435 notes · View notes
vibraniumphoenix · 3 years
Text
until you came along. [ b.b ]
a dad!bucky barnes x fem!reader wherein bucky finally gets to meet his little one.
WARNING: bucky hinting about his past but aside from that nothing else! maybe this fic giving you baby fever idrk, time is set somewhere after the events of tfatws, and lowercase intended!
A/N: hi my baby fever is torture and im dragging you along with me. dad!bucky has been stuck in my head for so long now and i’ve been feeling guilty abt not sharing that with you. please reblog the post, it really means a lot!
Tumblr media
---
if someone was to tell bucky from a few years back he would be an expecting father, he would probably chuckle bitterly as he turned down the idea; but here he was now, rushing in the middle of the car-filled streets of new york, to finally meet his new born baby.
he cursed under his breath as the cab he was in turned into another corner that had cars barely moving, fingers drumming against the sides of his thighs as he tried to calm himself down, his right arm pulling out his phone to see multiple messages from your mother, asking where was he as you were already in active labor一 that was several hours ago.
he and sam were on a mission, taking down some mafia gang that wanted to smuggle in illegal goods in trade for stolen a truck filled with stolen vibranium; his mind replaying how he didnt want to leave the hospital and stay by your side, but you pushed him to go, not expecting that the infant would arrive later that day.
as soon as he saw the tall building of the hospital you were at, he paid the driver and got out of the car, sprinting all the way to the entrance where his father-in-law was waiting, “i’m so sorry i couldn’t come sooner一” were the words that left bucky’s mouth until he was cut off, “it’s alright, you should head up, your little one’s waiting upstairs.” your father said, patting him on the back as he motioned with his other hand to go.
weaving his way inside, he quickly found your room and composed himself, standing up straight as he caught his breath, smoothing the invisible wrinkles on his clothes before slowly opening the door, peeking his head through its crack to see your sleeping figure on the bed, your mother sitting right by your side.
“bucky!” your mother quietly greeted, standing up to give him a hug. her smile was wide as she stared at his almost organized look, his hair still in a disarray from the rush he was in moments prior. “both of your angel’s are sleeping as of the moment, you should get some rest too, son. me and f/n will go home and set everything up for the baby” she calmly said, motioning the seat that she was previously in.
a small smile formed on his lips as he nodded, wanting to actually take a seat and be with you. “thank you for looking after her, ma.” he answered, hugging the woman tightly before letting go, waving his had as she left the room.
he quietly walked over and took a seat, observing the small sleeping figure inside the clear bassinet next to your bed, tears forming up in his eyes to see such a peaceful little face. gently raising a single digit over the crib, he gently caressed the baby’s hand which held onto his finger, “hey there, little one. I’m your dad.”
---
you stirred awake, body feeling extra sore still from giving birth, you were about to open your eyes when you heard bucky’s voice, “... and i was probably more scared than your momma could ever be at that moment, my little angel.” you opened your eyes a little to see bucky carrying the infant in his arms, sat down, slightly facing the window.
the warm rays of the early sun peeked through the blinds of the window, illuminating the peacefulness displayed on his face, “when your momma said that she had a suspicion you were in her belly, she was scared that i would leave ‘er, since we weren’t even into a year of dating一 little did she know that i feared what would become of us.”
your heart broke silently as you tuned into his confession to the baby, “i’m way older than your grandma and grandpa, i’m afraid that i could never see you grow up, i’m afraid that your momma would leave me for someone younger, that could be better a dad than old me.” his voice was soft, fragile almost as cradled your son.
“but i set those fears aside when i saw you sleeping in that crib of yours, lookin’ so angelic as you slept. i could have only wished to start a family before since i… i was considered to be someone so dangerous; i’ve always thought i would never find love but momma came along and proved me wrong, and now you’re here with me.” bucky continued, raising the small babe up to place a gentle kiss on his forehead.
“i’ve seen so much on this earth that i thought i’ve seen everything it has to offer. your dad’s cool since he got to fight such a big alien and so many bad guys before but i never really realized how much of life i missed until i saw you open your eyes and look at me. i’ve never deemed my life so… worthy until i you and momma came along.” bucky finished, bringing up his flesh hand to wipe the tear that had managed to escape, sighing softly.
you also brought a hand up, wiping the tears that you didn’t even notice away before quietly calling out your husband’s name, making him look back at you with a big surprise, quick to get on his feet and sat by your bed, his flesh hand holding onto yours as he leaned down to place a kiss on your lips. “how long have you been up, darling?”
you smiled tiredly, “just enough time to hear you ramble on to your son.” your tone light and teasing, making the latter chuckle in embarrassment that you had caught him being so soft, “who knew mr. bucky barnes could be such a softy.”
“for someone who just gave birth, you sure are in a teasing mood, baby.” he groaned, shaking his head at your antics. “i’m sorry i couldn’t be here for you when this little troublemaker arrived, y/n.” bucky apologized, looking at you with a small yet disappointed smile. “i knew i should have never taken up that mission.”
you squeezed his hand, shaking your head firmly. “no, james, don’t ever blame yourself for that.” you started off, “i said that you should go一 besides, you’re here now, with me and our little prince and that’s what matters.” you reassure him, bringing his hand up to your lips to place a gentle kiss on his already healing, bruised up knuckles.
bucky sighed softly, knowing better than to argue with you about that, “i know better than to argue with you about that, y/n.” he retorted softly, heart filled with love as his vision bounced from your featured to the sleeping one in his arms, gently exclaiming, “my god, i love you both so much.”
you laughed softly, warmth spreading throughout your body at the sight of the, now two, men in your life, “and we love you too, bucky. we love you too.”
---
219 notes · View notes
authorized-trash · 4 years
Text
To Tie a Knot: Chapter 4: That Moment When Fate Ships You With Four Other People
Ao3
Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Five
Content Warnings: Mentioned character death, vomit mention, self deprecation, panic attack, cursing, (tell me if there's more)
Chapter Summary:
That moment when you need to find yet another boyfriend to add to your collection, *sigh*.
Word Count:
2,500+
Note:
I was hit with inspiration for some reason, so here’s this chapter, and the next one will be up in a little bit, I just got to format it for tumblr. Sorry its been awhile, this story is kinda just, I update whenever my mind decides to. 
Everyone over on Ao3 has taken well to this chapter and the next chapter, so I hope you all do too!
(Incase you were wondering, i changed up the chapter titles, i got tired of trying to come up with different alliterate phrases, so im just gonna be dumb with the titles as;ldfkj)
- -
Damian hadn’t even noticed when he slumped to his knees. Tears dripped from his cheeks and landed onto his outstretched palm. Remy’s eyes widened and he quickly moved to get on Damian’s level.
“Dee? You okay there? Did you not know?” He asked, gently taking Damian’s trembling hands in his own. Damian let him, too shocked to take them back.
“N-no? What? How am I supposed to deal with four Remy, I already lost one I can’t- I can’t lose four!” Damian said, staring blankly at his hands, at the strings he was now aware of. He could feel them tug and twitch as his soulmates moved. They were all pretty close to one another, stretching in the same direction. Figures, they had probably met up by now. 
Damian was the outcast.
“You aren’t going to lose them,” Remy said, an edge to his voice, “Damian you won’t lose them, you were jus- just unlucky the first time, babes, I promise. This time will be better.”
“No Remy you don’t understand, they’re paired with me, they’ll die, I’m bad luck or something-”
“Damian Janus Lyer, don’t. Don’t say that. You’re not. I know you, this isn’t you, you’re just tired and not thinking clearly. This is a good thing. You aren’t bad luck. You aren’t, and babes, if I hear you say that one more time I’m going to throw some punches,” Remy said. Damian gave a watery chuckle, and Remy smirked.
“Listen, you are in no state to go in there right now. Why don’t we ditch for a little while and go get some food or somethin’”
Damian nodded, moving to stand. He dusted himself off. He looked down at his strings. The four colors were all lovely, red, blue, indigo, and purple. The colors were deep and ethereal in a magicky sort of way. 
Without thinking he strummed a finger across them, and startled when three out of the four tugged back. The last one, purple, started vibrating in a way that one would think meant the person on the other side was running their finger across the line.
More tears gathered in Damian’s eyes. He was connected with these people. They were his soulmates. They were there, on the other side, waiting. The thought of them being disappointed weighed heavy, but in this small moment he could only think of the opportunity that was given to him.
Remy watched this with a small smile, ruffling Damian’s hair as they began to walk off campus to his car.
Damian followed, hurriedly wiping the tears from his eyes and smoothing his hair down.
“Listen, babes, you pick where we eat, and I’ll pay.”
Damian shrugged, “Thanks.”
“What? No arguing that you’ll pay this time?”
Damian rolled his eyes, “You offered and I’m too emotionally confused to argue.” 
His voice was thick with tears and still wobbled every once in a while, but he had managed to compose himself well enough by now. He slid into the car seat next to Remy.
He made a point not to touch the strings, not wanting them to move. He didn’t want to seem needy or something. He relaxed fractionally, attempting to gaige some personality from the strings. Indigo (Or was it navy? It was rather dark, nearly black. It was decidedly not black when reflecting light), was shaking around as if someone was writing with that hand. Red was pretty still, expect for a few swoopy movements, as if the person was flailing their arms around. Purple was shaking slightly but otherwise not moving, and blue was fluttering around like crazy, and Damian was certain the person was messing with their string.
For a moment he wondered what his string looked like to them. He hoped it was yellow, maybe gold. He liked those colors. Green would also be nice, but he doubted that was the color, seeing as his last soul string was gre-
Damian’s breath hitched, and that feeling of loss hit him hard, and he clenched his hands into fists. Remy glanced over at him, but didn’t comment.
He was so caught up in this new soulmate business he had forgotten he had already had one. One he had lost. The string he had grown up with, the one he had talked about with friends in grade school. The one that appeared on his fragile little hands when he was born. The part of his soul that he grew to know.
The one he knew would shake wildly sometimes, or tug painfully at others. The one he would console with gentle strokes late at night when he would wake up to it trembling. The one that would do the same for him, that had always been a comfortable weight throughout his recovery as a kid.
He would never meet the other end. Never know who it was. 
They could have died suddenly or painfully, and here they were, forgotten by their soulmate a month later due to the reassigning. Damian was so ready to forget them, and the guilt of that was weighing on him so hard he wanted to vomit.
He pulled his knees to his chest and tried to steady his breathing, ignoring the light feeling of the dangling frayed string on his hand. 
He closed his eyes and lied to himself about how bad it hurt.
-
“It is a very lovely shade of yellow,” Roman commented from where he was laying on the couch. He was looking up towards the ceiling, his hand containing his string collection in front of his face as he examined the sun colored string as it swung with the others.
“It reminds me of a sunflower when hit by the sun juuusst right,” Patton said, curled up on Roman’s chest. He was also looking at Roman’s hand, messing with his own strings absentmindedly. 
Logan was sitting in the arm chair across the room, having stayed home. They all had decided to take the day off of responsibilities, this was a large occasion, after all. He had a notepad on his lap and was writing down everything he could about the situation. He had a knack for writing information about anything and everything down. He liked to be well documented.
Virgil was curled up on the floor, scrolling through Tumblr in the way he does when he’s thinking, and not reading a single thing. If it looked like art and was colorful, he reblogged it without thinking. He was more focused on the way the new string on his hand looked as he occasionally typed.
They all sat around in domestic silence, preparing for the long talk they were going to have to have soon. 
They all noticed it, despite no one saying it aloud. That feeling of something missing. They grew up with it, but had by now gotten so used to that feeling of wholeness. Now that it was gone, so suddenly? They didn’t know how to feel about it, really. It’s easy to lose something you didn’t get a chance to know or experience, but getting a taste of something amazing to have it disappear was near torture.
“I think it appears to resemble the yellow paint Roman likes to get all of the carpet,” Logan said, lips upturning slightly at Roman’s upfronted sound.
“Nah, it def’ looks like… I don’t know, snakey,” Virgil said.
“Snakey?” Roman asked, laughing slightly, “What about the color looks like a slithering reptile?”
“Uh, snakes equal yellow, duh? Same as seven being green,” Virgil rolled his eyes as if it were obvious.
Patton laughed, “Kiddo, seven is pink.”
“Seven is seven? It cannot be either pink or green, it is a number,” Logan said, raising an eyebrow in confusion.
“Just let them be weird, Specs, with their weird color assigning,” Roman laughed, sitting up. Patton yelped as he slid off the couch.
“Listen, I’m just saying its snake yellow,” Virgil said, “But if you wann-”
Virgil was caught off as a particularly hard twinge came from the yellow string. He looked around at the others, and noticed they had felt it too. Up until this point the string was pretty chill, if a little shaky. Logan had suggested earlier it was due to shock.
As crazy as gaining a new string out of the blue was a wild, gaining four strings must have been insane. Virgil pitied the poor person, it probably scared the shit out of them.
Without thinking, he reached forward and ran his index finger over the string a few times, showing that he was here.
“This is so exciting! We have another soulmate to hunt down!” He waved his arms around animatedly. He looked as if the idea had just clicked for him.
There was a whole other person out there waiting for them, someone who would fit into their little dynamic. Someone with likes and dislikes and quirks and feelings, a whole human being.
Virgil felt himself smiling along with the others. Logan had gone back to scribbling on his notepad, even faster this time. Patton was chatting with Roman about the possibilities while rolling the string around in his fingers.
Virgil curled into the warmth of his hoodie, and for once, allowed himself to look forward to the unknown future.
-
By the time Damian had gotten home late that night, he was exhausted. He collapsed onto his bed in a pile of limbs, kicking his shoes off and snuggling into the covers. He didn’t bother with his shirt other than unbuttoning the top couple of buttons, and he had long since ditched his gloves. They were currently somewhere buried in his bag.
He and Remy had loitered around town for a while, talking about anything and everything. Damian had really tried to be in high spirits and give his usual sarcasm, but he just wasn’t feeling it. 
His eyes drifted shut, and the beginnings of a dream had already begun to swirl, sounds and nonsense conversations were supplied to his mind, and he let his mind wander as it drifted into resting mode.
That is, until he felt a tug on his ring finger.
 He opened his eyes a bit, glancing down at his hand, at the indigo string.
Tug.
His eyes opened, he was paying attention now.
Tug tug tug tug. Tug. Tug pull tug tug. Tug pull tug tug. Pull pull pull.
Damian moved to sit up, but found the effort to be too much. He decided, through the hazy-slow process that was thinking when half asleep, that this was a matter of importance, and therefore should happen in the morning. So he fell back asleep without paying it too much mind.
-
Logan sighed heavily as he stood from his chair, giving up on tapping out a message to their new soulmate. During their talk earlier the group had decided that it would be a good idea to try and meet this person as soon as possible, in order to diminish the time they felt incomplete.
It shouldn’t be too difficult. They could all drive, and all felt like the soulmate had to be relatively close. Reassignments normally happened to people who are near each other. The farthest recorded reassigned soulmates were four states away from each other. Almost everyone else was within the same state at least.
Logan had proposed morse code, the same way he and Patton had found each other, and the way they would occasionally send stupidly sappy quotes to one another on occasion. It must have been too late because the person wasn’t answering. He would have to try again sometimes tomorrow.
He heard a soft knock on his office door, and a few hushed whispers from somewhere farther in their shared house.
“Yes?” He called through the door, looking over as it slowly opened. It was only a little past midnight, but he still felt it to be inappropriate to talk any louder.
“Hey Lo? Me and the other two were wondering if you could join us in the kitchen to talk… again,” Patton said softly, leaning against the doorframe.
“The others and I,” Logan corrected, but nodded as he stood up, “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt. My sleeping schedule is probably messed up at this point anyway.”
Patton smiled fondly, and turned to lead Logan back to the kitchen. Virgil and Roman were sitting across from each other at the table, bickering about something under their voices.
They both looked up when Logan walked in,
“Okay, so, now that we’re all here,” Patton started, clasping his hands together as he sat down. Logan pulled up a chair, spinning it so it was backwards. He loathed to sit in chairs normally, both he and Virgil seemed to share that small quirk. Roman simply splayed himself out on the nearest surface, and Patton tended to sit criss-cross on the floor more often than a chair.
Logan shook his head to snap himself out of his wandering thoughts, focusing back onto Patton.
“We’ve come to a decision, Logan, and I’m sorry you weren’t here a little earlier, but we didn’t want to bother your work.” Logan nodded, not at all perturbed by being left out of the conversation. In fact, he was happy they left him to his own devices for awhile. It’s not like he was out of the loop, they were having the conversation for a reason.
“And?” He asked, quirking his head to the side.
“-And we’ve come to the conclusion-”
“Patton, please stop sounding so serious, it’s unnerving, that’s Logan’s thing,” Virgil cut in, rolling his eyes fondly.
Patton snickered, but continued, “We think it would be best if you were the one to go find our new soulmate. Like you said earlier, meeting all of us at once might be too much for them, and you’re one the… er… easier of us to handle.”
“Roman would probably serenade them the moment he saw them,” Virgil teased, elbowing said soulmate.
“Excuse you, you’d scare them off with all that,” Roman gestured to Virgil’s outfit, “Edge.”
“I see. So when should I leave? I’ll have to call off work and do extra to catch up in my classes.”
“Sometime tomorrow would be good, Lo. I’m hoping to meet them by the end of the week. I really do think they’re close, if not in town.”
“I agree,” Roman nodded, and Virgil shifted and did so as well.
“Very well. I’ll leave around noon, then. I planned on continuing with the messages until I manage to get an answer, Perhaps they’ll tell me where they are. It shouldn’t be much harder than that.”
“Yeah! That sounds awesome,” Patton smiled, then suddenly squealed and flapped his hands, “Ooh I’m just so excited to meet them, my goodness-”
“I wonder what they will be like, I don’t think I could stand another emo in the group,” Roman joked, and Virgil swatted at them.
“Listen here Princey, you like my emo. Besides, your eyeliner was a hot mess before I showed you how to properly apply it, so you better thank this emo,” Virgil snapped playfully.
Logan watched them with a soft expression, standing up and stretching.
“We should all get some rest, then. Big day tomorrow,” Logan said, walking towards their room. The others nodded and moved to stand.
Big day, indeed.
-
-
Taglist in reblog
50 notes · View notes
oisaaac · 4 years
Text
“ Six feet under ”
Pairing: Crowley x Reader
Summary: Crowley decides to pay a little visit to his one and only love.
Warnings: angst, character death, sad boi crowley
Notes: English isn't my native language, so sorry for any mistakes this hasn't been proofread either.
This is very out of the blue and maybe a little cliché idk, but i hope some of you enjoy it nonetheless <3
kinda off from the original show plot but try to bare with me uwu
inspired from billie eilish's song 'six feet under'
Help, I lost myself again
But I remember you
Thick heavy grey clouds shrouded above the cemetery as if it read Crowley's mood. It was the same heavy weight he felt everyime he decides to pay you a visit. The same weight that seems to get heavier as time ticks by.
It had been a year since you died. A year that seems to be dreadfully longer than the time Crowley stayed above earth.
It was always a reminder for him how different his celestial form is from a human being like you. You always joked around that he had to see you die at some point—with grey hair and wrinkling skin while he didn't age even a bit, yet look where he is now.
He didn't expect it to come too soon, too fast, too sudden and too painful. It made him think what was really God's ineffable plan? He couldn't even ask it himself. Besides it was ineffable after all.
He should've seen this coming though. A demon falling in love with a human? Both of you knew things can't get normal. For one he was an immortal under a lot of circumstances and you on the other hand was—fragile. The moment you saw the bright light when you were brought to this world you were already hanging on a thin thread. Surviving for only a small barrowed time. Crowley always thought it was some kind of inside joke made by God, a very cruel joke.
Small droplets started to fall down from the sky as Crowley stood looking at the flowers he have in his hands.
You would've loved this. He thought to himself kneeling down on the moist grass, not bothered by the uncomfortable feeling of the contact with his jeans before staring at your grave stone.
It still feels unreal for him, seeing your name precisely carved on the stone which made his heart wrenched.
Retrace my lips
Erase your touch
It's all too much for me
But Crowley knew he would rather feel the pain in his chest over and over again rather than forget about you even if he could never be the same when he was with you.
His closest friend Aziraphale felt pity for the demon, but loving someone always has a cost to pay and he could only give much reassurance to his dear friend. Besides, he was somehow at fault considering you died in his shop trying to help him. Crowley didn't blame the angel though, knowingly you wouldn't either, but that didn't stop him from blaming himself and giving the silent treatment to the angel (which Aziraphale understood where he was coming from) for months. You would have opposed to if you knew, knowing their friendship was one of the strongest bonds you had ever seen. Luckily they were good now yet Crowley still needed more time to mourn.
You were always so kind and gentle, one of the traits Crowley loved about you. Good or bad you seem to look surpass every label knowing it was more than just what they perceive. To you Crowley isn't just the demon who had fallen to spread evil, he was your Crowley; your sassy kind hearted loving demon. He never wanted to have such vulnerability, but he let himself otherwise.
Of course he didn't regret any of it. He would need to die first before he ever regrets choosing a path with you in it. Even if he knew the moment you walked in Aziraphale's bookshop clumsily waltzing in his life only to bring this kind of pain he was currently feeling he would never choose of you not being a part of him. If only he could have had more time just one more second to see you smile, to feel your soft touch, to look directly into your loving eyes that made him feel like he was home. It sometimes brought Crowley anxiety with the thought that he didn't deserve what he was feeling with you—the joy, appreciation and love, yet you always said that he did, he did deserve happiness but the tragedy that comes with it had come unforeseen.
Blow away
Like smoke in air
How can you die carelessly?
Why did you have to go inside? Why didn't you just wait for me. You were human afterall. You weren't built to withstand heavy flames and thick smokes. You've always been so reckless for the sake of others. You knew it was dangerous, but you risked your life nonetheless.
Crowley laid the flowers near your headstone before he caressed the letters of your name closing his eyes trying to remember every detail of your face.
"Just for a second. If you're really listening to everyone's prayer then bid mine. Just for a second. Look at me you've foresaken me and let me fall into the pit yet here I am calling out for you." He looked up calling out to somebody, something or someone who was listening to his mantra. "Please!" He choked through the verge of tears. "I love her. I'll always will. If this is my sin then punish me for eternity, but let me see her just for a second." The only response a low rumble of thunder and finally the heavy clouds opened its gates letting the rain freely fall from the heavens camouflaging Crowley's tears.
They're playin' our sound
Layin' us down tonight
And all of these clouds
Crying us back to life
But you're cold as a night
It was no use. You're gone. The pain settled in his chest eating his insides. It was his punishment after all.
Crowley was soaked by the time he was snapped out of his small trance. He fixed the flowers on your grave before putting the individual red rose in the middle remembering how much you loved that red flower then grabbing the old ones to dispose them before standing up and taking one last glance of you until his next visit.
He whispered his promise that he would come back over and over for the rest of his eternity, he had all the time in his hands anyways.
Six feet under
I can't help but wonder
If our grave was watered by the rain
Bloom
Bloom
Again
Crowley turned around to head over his bentley only to be met by your e/c eyes. He didn't even realized his grip on the flowers loosened as he blinked once, twice, more than enough to make sure he wasn't seeing things while raining and there you were like an epiphany standing on your red dress drenched in rain smiling like an idiot at him. You took deliberate steps closing in the gap between the two of you while you kept your eyes locked on his yellow serpent eyes that you grew to love.
"Y/n," Crowley whispered still trying to figure out how.
"Crowley," You put your hand on his cheeks caressing his wet skin with your thumb. You didn't even understood how, but you were happy. You missed him so much that you didn't say another word and just leaned in connecting your lips with his he didn't respond at first, but slowly he recognized you. It was really you, his beloved y/n. He had so many questions hanging on the back of his head, but he didn't dare to utter any of them. He didn't want to let you go and waste whatever miracle it was that brought you here.
All the muscles in each of your bodies molded into one. You and Crowley were in sync like a melody that you both practiced over and over again. Your hands made its way on the back of his neck tangling your fingers on his wet ginger locks, Crowley's hands gripped you tight yet at the same time gently trying not to break you under his touch. The intensity of yearning and all the other emotions that comes with it all swirled into one.
Out of breath you both parted staring at eachothers eyes. "I love you too." You softly spoke your truth.
Maybe whatever was up there was really listening. Either way Crowley held on you to the very last second of your borrowed time.
"We'll be together again someday." You reassured him while you smiled. Crowley just studied your face and for the first time in a while genuinely smiled and was happy. And it was enough as goodbye for the both of you... for now.
Help, I lost myself again
But I remember you
Kinda long A/N: honestly idk what to feel about this if its good or not in my 19 years of existence i always wrote fanfics imagines and stuffs but usually i usually put it up then delete it later because i dont have any confidence of my work but im trying again. this is my first time posting in tumblr though.i hope this is good, like it gave you feels because it did when i wrote it. please don't kill me that i made crowley straight oof 🥺 sorry for any mistakes again! thank you for taking time on reading this and if you reblog and press the heart thingy thank you so much i will love you forever 💕
53 notes · View notes
pinkykitten · 4 years
Text
Mirrors of Nightmares
IT chapter 2
Bill Denbrough x sister! female reader (non-romantic)
Warning: gore, blood, violence, horror, death, cursing
Specifics: horror, platonic, violence, angst, action, one-shot, race neutral reader, brother/sister
People: bill denbrough, little boy, pennywise 
Words: 1,513
Requested: By anon Hi!!! I just saw it chapter 2 and it was so good! Could you write where the reader is bill denbrough little sister (by like 1 or 2 years) and she was apart of the losers club and they come back to Derry and she goes with bill in the mirror maze and after the kid dies she has a panic attack and bill has to help calm her down and comfort her?
Authors Note: my first IT fic! i luv this movie franchise thing sm like yall have no idea. my fav is richie and i luv bill hader on a scary kinda level u know? but im srry for taking a gazzilion years, life is a butthole and keeps me away from fun and u guys. 
Tumblr media
It was fear. You felt almost your stomach drop entering into Derry again, after so many years. As trees move side to side from the wind and shake so did your hands. You began to see yourself as fragile and weak once more, just like when you and the rest of the gang were little. Sometimes you felt alone in all of this nightmare, like the world was a vast, endless space of black nothingness and you were fighting to stay alive, all alone. Bill - your brother - made you look at life through another lens. He kept you alive. He made you feel strong. Whenever life seemed unbearable he was there for you just like the older, protective brother he was. His number one - when entering into this memorable town again - was making sure you were safe.
If only he could suck - like a vacuum cleaner - all those terrible moments from that terrible clown that laid burrowed in your head. 
In the moment of hero or a savior you put someone above you. Someones safety and life on top of your own. Their life is in your hand. No matter what you do you are the ending decision of their fate. 
“Not this little boy,” you cried in your mind as you and Bill teamed up as sister and brother, like a team, but it was no cheerful time. Time was ticking and either you and Bill stop Pennywise from hurting this boy or the boy becomes non existent. 
The carnival was supposed to be a trip full of laughter and fun but instead it made you anxious. Hearing the different, loud noises made it difficult to focus, along with the hoard of people leaving and entering. 
“This way,” Bill waved his hand forward as he started sprinting. 
You followed him, feeling your heart beat rapidly and vigorously. Your eyes tried to find the little boy. He was not safe. He was in grave danger. “There!” You see the young kid giving tickets to a little girl. “He’s right there.”
“Hey! Hey kid!” Bill shouted as he ran to the child. “Kid!”
The blonde haired boy walked in the fun house. Not knowing the evil that followed him. 
“He can’t hear us.” You both jump into the twirling of the carnival entrance and are greeted with neon, glow in the dark clowns that sway back and forth on a path. 
One hits Bill as he passes. You go to his aid. “Are you okay Bill?”
“Yeah I’m fine. Lets go.” He grabs onto your arm, protectively. 
As you proceed there is a huge room filled with only mirrors. It makes you dizzy and unsure as you see you and Bill through your reflection. “Where did he go?”
“I don’t know but stay close.”
Lights were blinking constantly making your eyes and head hurt. You and Bill touched the mirrors to try to find an exit to continue on to find the kid. That was all part of the game, all part of the chase. The kid walked by further away. 
“Kid!” You and Bill shouted over and over in unison. 
Bill ran and was greeted with glass or the mirror. 
You went to the opposite end to try to find another way to the child seeing as Bill was blocked all around. You knew this was Pennywise’s doing. “I know I can find him.” You were met with a dead end and tried to go back to Bill but you were enclosed in one area. “Bill!” You got frightened as you couldn’t go back to him. The side you were on was getting smaller and as you turned to your right you saw the little boy. 
“Y/n!” Bill screamed. He sprinted to you and the kid but was met with another glass. 
You saw Pennywise walk past you with a horrific smile on his face. “Bill I saw IT! IT’s here! He’s here!” Bill’s forehead pressed against the glass. He felt powerless. 
You placed your hand on the glass. “Whatever happens Bill promise me you will help that boy. Please.”
Bill started to panic as his breathing became harsh and tears were starting to fall from his eyes. You were his baby sister, he vowed to protect you all his life. “N-o y/n! N-n-no!” He tried breaking the glass. 
“What are you two doing here?” The kid was confused. “Both of you stop following me!”
“We’re only trying to help you,” you said. 
“I-I’m gonna g-get you both o-o-o-out.” Bill became more and more afraid. 
Suddenly, behind you and the child Pennywise laid his long tongue flat against the glass, licking up. The sight and noise was chilling. The face of the little boy’s was traumatic. 
“No stop. Stop!” Your whole body shook. 
“Please,” Bill cried some more feeling useless. 
“I’m here. I’m right here just t-take me,” Bill pleaded to Pennywise. 
Pennywise started to cackle as he hit the glass of yours and the boys with his head. 
“Son of a b*tch!’ Bill cursed. 
You screamed as Pennywise did it harder and faster. You and the boy both huddled by the corner of your glass rooms. Bill, repeatedly, tried breaking the glass. He tried with his hands, fists, feet, but nothing worked. Your eyes teared up as you saw the glass cracking with each blow Pennywise gave it. This was the end. It was either you or the kid and a hero puts the kid first. You gave a knowing look to Bill to remind him of what you asked for. 
Pennywise paused and gave a huge, demonic smile. “Billy boy, which one do you choose? The boy or your sister?”
“No Bill don’t do this. Remember what I told you.”
Bill screamed, “stop! No!”
“I am going to give you a riddle. If you guess right you save the kid but I kill your sister, if you guess wrong I save you sister but I kill the kid. You only get one try and if you don’t answer at all,” Pennywise smile grew, “I’ll kill them all.”
There was an argument going all around. Bill felt pressured and didn’t know what to do. He loved you more than life and needed to save you but the boy also needed saving. 
“Bill please, I’l be fine.” You smiled, tears falling down. 
“...fine. I’ll do your riddle.”
“The person who built it sold it. The person who bought it never used it. The person who used it never saw it. What is it?”
Bill thought in his head all the possibilities. 
“Bill choose-!”
“No helping him,” Pennywise shook his finger. “Time is ticking, what will it be? You only have one chance.”
One chance to choose the fate of the people in front of him. 
“A lie?” Bill asked. 
The world became quiet and Pennywise’s smile enlarged showing more teeth and fangs. “If only you said coffin.” Pennywise broke through the glass and ate the little boy right up. 
Tumblr media
Blood splattering on the glass.
You and Bill screamed as the lights flickered showing a gone little boy who knew nothing of this nightmare and was purely innocent. 
“No,” you felt defeated, crying. You and Bill finally met up at the exit of the mirror rooms. 
“Oh my God,” Bill embraced you. Fighting the urge to sob uncontrollably. 
“I’m sorry Bill. If I didn’t leave you none of this would of happened.”
“Its not your fault.”
You remembered that boy. How scared he looked but yet there was hope in his eyes. Hope that the adults would save the day. The memory of his wine colored blood splattering on the glass flashed within your mind. You bent over a trash can to hurl. 
Bill patted your back, “that’s it. Let it out.” 
You couldn’t breathe. The drumming within your chest increased to a rapid pattern. You tried to search for a comfort object that your eyes could land on. The activity was busy at the carnival and made it worse for you. The noises, screams, cheers. Panic was bubbling in your gut and you were about to erupt like a volcano. “Bill.”
Bill knew that look. For Pete’s sake you were his sister! He pressured you to sit down and tuck your head in between your legs. “Breathe y/n. You’re okay. I’m here and I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you.”
You did as you were told. Gripping onto Bill’s hand like when you were little and you ran to his room claiming you saw a monster under your bed. He would let you cry and console you. He was your calming system. You felt at home and safe with your big brother. Bill hugged you and you leaned your head against his shoulder. 
“Sometimes I think I’m crazy, that its all in my head.” You sniffled. Voice rough and scratchy from the screaming and crying. “Then IT does something like that that makes me see that its all real. That Bill, that is what scares me the most.”
“I know,” he whispered. “I know.
Tumblr media
Tag list: @harrington-lover​​, @angelgl16​​, @perfectlybeautifulsuit​​, @hyehoney​​, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly​​​, @totally-alexa21​​, @creamy-pasta-boi​​, @multireese​​, @fanfictionrecommendations-com​​, @prentisskelley​​, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97​​, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople​​, @collectiveyou​​, @wtfisalltherandoms​​, @dirbel​​, @eastcoasthaven​​, @fangirl-4-life415 (wont let me tag), @melonreblogsstories​​​, @reginalinettis​​​
wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!
Please Reblog, like or comment! It means a lot to me and I truly appreciate it:)
96 notes · View notes
lethbians · 4 years
Note
can you explain what's going on right now? i keep seeing big IT blogs talking about some discourse or something but i have no idea what they're talking about other than it involves you lol
alright i like. i truly do not like having diScOurSE out in public because i’m not one to air out my dirty laundry 24/7 but seeing as how it was brought into public against my will i feel like the least i can do is clear up the situation for those who’ve been seeing the posts. 
i’m putting this under the cut bc it’s long. tws for some biphobia, brief mention of transphobia and, at the end, a rape mention. 
so if you don’t know: hi, i’m migz, i’m an it fandom blogger. its okay, i know, its really cool. part of my shtick here is that i like to turn normal thirst tags into works of art for the sake of comedy. perhaps you’ve seen some of my highlights from my “fhg” tag - perhaps your brain has been spared. either way, it became kind of “my thing” around the third or fourth week (mid nov) of me having this blog. at first, i tagged just about every ask i got mentioning the thirst tags with “bill hader” - they had to do with him, so why not tag him? it would draw more like minded people! about two days into that i got a message asking me to tag my nsfw. i am a big dumb idiot, and apologize for not initially doing it. i havent had a following bigger than like 10 in several years and completely spaced on basic etiquette. so by the end of november i was tagging everything applicable  with “notsfw” and “bill hader”. 
now you’re caught up.
on december 1st i got this message from user billhaderanti:
Tumblr media
now i want to start by saying i absolutely was in the wrong here. i didn’t even think about how many people were being subjected to the asks i was getting - especially ones who had no idea they were all jokes. i don’t track the bill hader tag, so it just didn’t even occur to me - that’s ignorance on my part, and to anyone who was subjected to the terrors of me before my tagging system: i am genuinely sorry. i relay the same sentiment in my response, though you can tell i’m on edge.
Tumblr media
and they replied:
Tumblr media
clearly they Were offended by it but thats.. not the point. at this point, im feeling Really weird about the whole interaction, but still understanding, because again - i GET it. i know my posts are gross - that’s the point. it doesn’t make it excusable, though, which is why i understand why people are offended. so i responded with the only solution i Knew would keep us both safe and happy posting on our own blogs. 
Tumblr media
so i thought this would be the end of things! i’d been pretty anxious lately already since i’d started to receive anons telling me i was gross and whore-ish for thirst posting in this way (i delete all of those, so if ur thinking about sending one, i guess no one’s stopping you but it won’t be seeing the light of the dashboard). i’m unsure if it was immediately or a few hours later, seeing as how i have a bad concept of time and the post-dates are right on the edge between nov 30 and dec 1, but i went to their blog - because anyone who has been on the internet knows the opportunity to vague post is near irresistible. and...what do ya know
Tumblr media
fair! it’s their blog. however i am an emotionally fragile egg girl and immediately got freaked out. the odds that they were the only one who thought this were low. and, again, i’ve been very open on my blog about how important it is to respect boundaries; my posts are absolutely prone to breaking those boundaries people have created for themselves. 
so i made my own, semi-vague post, letting my following know (and i’m pretty sure i’d answered asks about it before, but this is going to be long enough w/o me searching those up too) that i understood if they wanted to block me or unfollow or whatever - people need to create their own safe spaces. the tension is pretty clear in the tags, i’m not trying to hide that. i felt that the way this woman slid into my dm’s was pretty abrasive (just my opinion/how it made me personally feel) and i let myself be a lil emotional about it in the tags of my post.
Tumblr media
alright! maybe this is the end. maybe we both go our separate ways and post happily on our own blogs... except it’s not the end. later in the day (some of this was happening like 1/2am, so now its Day day, i believe - again, not good w time passage lol)
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
clearly, i’m upset. my groupchat double checked that i didn’t get too emotional in my response - did i mention im anxious about discourse lol - and apparently.. it did the trick. she didn’t message me again. great. it was over. 
at this point, i decided i needed to make an even bigger change. so a few days after i’d calmed down i created an entirely new tag for my thirst posts so if people hadn’t already hidden the notsfw posts or just blocked me outright, they’d have a third option to escape the madness. at this point, id had my blog about 6? weeks, but there were still 2k posts for me to sift through - some of them were completely untagged. i also had to do it post by post, because one of xkits features - the mass re-tagger - was getting blogs deleted for some reason, and i wasn’t going to do that. so i spent a few days going through all 2k+ posts, adding the “fhg” tag. 
YEEHAW! a brand new tagging system, no more hopping into the bill hader tag (minus one or two really funny, not super explicit asks, like the bill hader farquaad meme), and, tbf, i’d completely put this woman out of my mind. i don’t seek out drama and do my best to stay in my lane. yesterday, i checked my activity for the first time in awhile since id put out a couple new original posts that had started to get traction and i Love reading tags. i noticed a mutual had @’d me, and realized i havent checked my @’s in...ever, maybe. i see a post from my good pal billhaderanti. 
Tumblr media
since i dont follow them and never check my @’s, i’d completely missed it. however, once i did see it, i was horrified. id gone through all that fucking work to keep my blog My Blog and also respect everyone’s boundaries and it still hadn’t been enough. i’d been awake for almost 24 hours and went. a little crazy. and i didn’t reply immediately because i just had no words. i sent it to my friends because i... i just wasn’t going to be able to figure it out myself. 
there’s a lot to unpack in this post alone, but whatever, i’m gonna put my own grievances with the immaturity of 1. making a callout post to begin with when i’d been nothing but civil 2. making a callout post about something as (in the grand scheme of Life) minor as some tags where i refer to a someone’s genitals as a “whack pack” and 3. making a callout post in such a rude way - aside. at the end, she calls me (and whoever else!) a demonic mlw (man loving woman, we assumed, and then later confirmed with a post further back on her blog). 
which - yeah, we started scrolling. at first we were looking for more vague blogs, and then we just...started finding things. billhaderanti is a self proclaimed lesbian separatist, which... fine. but it’s already pretty clear that this woman hates me on some level simply because i am a bi woman (demonic mlw, remember!) which is just. damn man i can’t believe we are still fighting the biphobic fight lol. so the more we scrolled, the more we uncovered - and not just the biphobic / vaguely mtf transphobic things they posted (or put in tags), but we also found that they had their OWN thirst tags. certainly not as hyperbolically comedic as mine, but they were there, talking about his body and his person the same (and, frankly, a bit creepier for other reasons) as mine. 
there’s one post in particular that snatched my wig in it’s creepiness - and i say creepiness in the sense that it feels personal. like this woman feels like she knows bill to some degree where she can say these things. my tags have always had a sense of distance, as they’re written for humor. and maybe this particular post was written for comedic purposes, but it doesn’t read that way, and if it WAS, then she has no right to call ME out for MY comic tags and posts. 
Tumblr media
i’ll let it speak for itself, mostly because i don’t want to read it again. 
i also won’t be going through her blog again to find the posts with biphobic and other Interesting:tm: tags because there are plenty and i just really! want to be done with the whole ordeal! her blog is public and i’m sure you can all find it and look to your heart’s content. 
feeling a bit feral and a bit pissed off now that we knew the depth of how rotten this woman’s vibes were, a couple of my pals made a post or two similar to what my tag’s are like except turned up to eleven (if possible) - and tagged them with “bill hader” (and notsfw!!). yes, a bit childish, but at this point, the entire situation was childish, and making jokes was truly the only way we were going to get through it. another vague post went up on her blog soon after.
Tumblr media
talking down to us, calling us children, and then for whatever reason calling us virgins... whatever, weird post. around this time most of us (est) went to bed, because it was nearing 3 or 4 in the morning. 
and then today happened. i woke up fresh and ready for the day after a wonderful 4 hours of sleep and found that jane had made an incredibly intelligent post in response to the situation. i won’t ss it, but i’ll LINK in case you missed it. attached there in the reblog is my own response. i think they can speak for themselves. 
after that, things were kind of jumbled, since i wasn’t online a lot and when i was i was Not checking my activity simply because i was afraid of what i’d see. for the most part, it ended up just being support (which i am very grateful to all of you for - it means a lot that you all enjoy my content to any degree). 
there was some more vague posting from both “““““sides”””””” of the “““““argument”””””” - mostly just people restating the fact that this is a public space and we should All be aware of how we effect others. i still hadn’t heard directly from billhaderanti, so i assumed we’d all be dropping and disengaging and moving on. i still wasn’t blocked, though, so who really knew what would happen. 
eventually, it culminated in this last post. tw for mentions of rape
Tumblr media
i’m going to start by saying that 
1. there are nearly no teenagers that were involved in this. im turning 23 in january and most of my friends are 20+. maybe one or two are 19. 
2. none of us sent any sexually violent asks - most of us didn’t send asks at all. i believe one or two of my friends admitted to sending asks however they assured me their nature wasn’t bad; as far as i know, everyone remained civil in whatever went on (again, unclear to me as to what was being sent; no one was actively posting or talking about it. if billhaderanti wishes to elaborate, they can, but i don’t have anything to put in). 
3. before i finish this, i would like to apologize to billhaderanti. as a comedian - not just my stupid tags, i mean in real life, too - i know that humor can hurt. it’s not always funny, it’s not just stupid hahas. sometimes things that are supposed to be jokes just hit people differently and cause bad things. i recognize that. i never meant to trigger you (if you’re reading this) or cause you any severe mental/emotional harm. i apologize for my humor bringing up your trauma, and i never meant for that. regardless of my own thoughts and opinions about the nature of my posts/the thirst tags themselves, they hurt you, and i’m sorry. 
anyway, i’m going to wrap this up (i’m bad at endings, what can i say! steven king and i took the same writer’s class!). if you read all this... sorry. i probably won’t be taking any asks about it, because i find the whole “drama” of this to be stupid and rooted in some seriously biphobic issues this fully grown woman has. 
tldr; i attempted to contain my blog so this woman could exist and function safely on her blog, but it wasn’t enough for her, so she called me out, and then some of the fandom called Her out for being biphobic and mean and overall just immature about the situation. as of now, she’s yet to block me, though her and her wife have blocked a few of my friends. her wife continues to clown on my friends. this post was made for clarity’s sake. the end, i’m getting a drink. 
58 notes · View notes
inyournightmares97 · 5 years
Text
My Youth (Chapter 6)
Broken and miserable, Park Jinyoung returns to his hometown to learn that no matter how hard he falls, there are still people who think he’s a hero.
Warnings: Mentions of suicide/depression, death, angst, slow build, maybe some language.(Please don’t ask when I’ll update. Wait until the series is finished to read if you’re impatient.)
Word Count: 5.7k+
(Can’t put links to the other parts here, please check my Masterlist/the reblog for the Prologue and Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5)
Tumblr media
“-Mom, I’m busy,” Jinyoung muttered into the phone. He had been sitting in a crucial meeting with the Finance Director of GOT Tech and representatives of the Financial Regulatory Board. Receiving approval for his company to go public was one of the most critical and risky steps in Jinyoung’s career.
His mother, however, had been calling him constantly for the last twenty minutes.
Mrs. Park sounded upset. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung, dear. I just needed to reach you-”
“Mom, I’m in an extremely important meeting right now. Do you know how it looks when the Managing Director of GOT Group keeps getting calls from his mother during business meetings? What do you want from me?” Jinyoung demanded in a frustrated whisper, running his fingers through his hair. He tried not to let his agitation show on his face; the other high-profile attendees of the meeting could still see him through the glass wall of the conference room.
“Jinyoung, there’s been a terrible tragedy in town,” his mother began nervously. “I don’t… I don’t know how to tell you this, but i suppose there’s no easy way to talk about a death.  Remember I told you that I’ve been going to the hospital every day to meet-”
Jinyoung felt a burst of irritation. The clock was ticking. The Board members were waiting for him impatiently and he could see the disapproval on their faces. “Mom, did you call me to tell me that someone died?”
“Well… yes, but-”
“Mom, I have been preparing for this presentation for months. The future of my company depends on this meeting. This is absolutely the worst time you could have chosen to tell me something like this,” Jinyoung muttered through gritted teeth. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. “Please don’t mess up my focus right now. We can talk about this later. Do you need anything from me urgently?”
Mrs. Park hesitated. “You always seem to be busy these days. I just thought… if we could maybe help out with the funeral expenses or the hospital bills…”
Jinyoung closed his eyes. “Mom, you can just call my secretary for that. She’ll send you whatever amount you need. Send them flowers from me or something, okay? I have to go now.”
“Take care, Jinyoung, dear-”
“Bye, Mom.”
Jinyoung hung up and sighed, pressing his fingers to his temple. His personal secretary had followed him out of the room and was watching him nervously. He hadn’t even asked his mother who it was that had passed away. Was it somebody he knew? Maybe it was best that he didn’t think about it too much for now.
“Take my Mom’s call and ask her who died, send them money for the funeral and all those formalities,” Jinyoung told his secretary shortly. She nodded and made a note of it on her phone quickly while Jinyoung cleared his mind.
Focus. The presentation. The numbers.  
Jinyoung took a deep, calming breath and plastered a rehearsed smile on his face before he turned to enter the conference room once more.
“I’m so sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting,” Jinyoung greeted all the well-dressed men with a bright smile. “I hope you can forgive me. Mothers seem to have a knack for calling at the most inconvenient times, don’t they?”
The men chuckled politely. “That’s perfectly fine, Mr. Park.”
“May I begin the presentation?”
“Please, do.”
--------
Jinyoung believed that to achieve something great, you needed to make certain sacrifices.
He had always known that the path he was embarking upon was not an easy one. Establishing your own business meant that you didn't get off work at 5 pm sharp, you couldn’t spend your weekends at a countryside cabin or getting drinks with your friends. You needed to keep working until things got done. You needed to compete in the market. You needed to be strong enough to pick up after your losses and clever enough to make friends in the right places. People were depending on you.
Jinyoung hadn’t merely chosen a career, he had chosen a life.
A very lonely life.
Whenever his mother would call him and try to have a casual chat, Jinyoung would find himself irritated. Who cared whether Mrs. Lee from the grocery store was giving a discount on strawberry bread? What did it matter if Mr. Cha had been trying to sell his little farmland? There was important work to be done. Jinyoung needed to talk to the advertising agents to make sure his products were being launched properly, he needed to negotiate discounts with suppliers to ensure he could meet the planned pricing goals. There were employees relying on him. There were investors who had trusted him with their money. There were quarterly goals that had to be met.
Every second of Jinyoung’s time was precious. Why couldn’t everyone understand that? Why couldn’t his mother stop thinking that her tiny little world in this tiny little town was everything, and understand the importance of what her son was doing?
There are a limited number of hours every man has at his disposal. We each make a conscious choice regarding how to spend each one.
It was only now, standing in front of your mother’s grave, that Jinyoung came a terrifying realization.
He had made the wrong choices.
------
“It was heart failure,” Mrs. Park whispered.
Jinyoung’s hands clutched the cup of tea firmly. It was hot and uncomfortable, but not more than the sick feeling in his stomach. Every word his mother spoke made him feel more pathetic.
What had he been doing all those months while your mother was in hospital and when she’d died? Preparing for his company to go public? Sitting in meetings and sucking up to corporate officials? Only to be fired and thrown out of the company. Only to have missed the death of somebody who had trusted him and cared for him.
“But she couldn’t have been that old…” Jinyoung muttered.
Mrs. Park shook her head softly. “She’d always had a weak heart, Jinyoung. Her health was fragile and after her husband passed away she had no choice but to work to support her daughter. All those long hours and late nights for years… they took their toll in the end. She had her first stroke three years ago. She was in hospital for a few weeks and then she had the second one; the one that took her life.”
Jinyoung closed his eyes, remembering your mother in his mind’s eye.
“She always looked tired. And worried.”
“She was.” Mrs. Park reached out and placed a hand over her son’s nervously. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I should have told you about it sooner. But you were always so busy in Seoul, always doing important things. It never seemed like the right time to tell you about something so devastating. It’s my fault.”
Jinyoung let out a small scoff. “Don’t take the blame on yourself. That doesn’t help me.”
Mrs. Park looked upset. “Jinyoung-”
She was interrupted by a loud knocking at the front door. Jinyoung closed his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple while he listened to his father go to the door and yell at the person on the other side. The reporters had already found his home address. They had started arriving one-by-one since this morning. Each of them desperately wanted an interview with Park Jinyoung, the man who had lost his empire overnight. They wanted to know what he had to say about his dismissal from his own company.
Mr. Park re-entered the living room and sighed. “They’re getting more persistent. I think I should call the local police before they start trying to shove their way into our house.”
Jinyoung nodded and stood up. “I’ll go down to the police station myself and ask them to send someone to deal with this harrassment. Mom, you’ve told everyone we know to deny any reporters who request them for an interview, right?”
“Yes, but is it really a good idea for you to be going outside now-”
“I think I’ll lose my mind if I stay indoors,” Jinyoung muttered. He grabbed the black hoodie that was slung over the back of the sofa and glanced at his parents. They were both looking at him with wide, worried eyes.
Jinyoung felt a sudden wave of guilt wash over him; why should they have to deal with so much because of his mistakes? Why was he always the one taking and yet never giving?
“I’m sorry,” he apologized softly. “I’ll try and be back for dinner.”
------
Jinyoung’s legs carried him naturally towards the elementary school.
Perhaps it was a subconscious urge to see you, even though he had no idea what he would say if you really appeared before him. Anything Jinyoung could have said to help should have been said three years ago. Words like I’m sorry seemed like an insensitive joke at this point; too little and far too late.
Jinyoung sat silently on the bench by the schoolyard with his face covered by his dark hoodie, and wondered how his life had brought him to this point.
Left with nothing with shame.
“Ahjussi!”
By the time Jinyoung looked up, there was already a tiny figure running straight towards him at full speed. He flinched and braced himself for the impact; only to have the small boy stop centimetres away from him and throw his arms around him happily. Jinyoung stiffened.
“What-”
“Ahjussi, you are Park Jinyoung!” Ki-woo cried delightedly. The boy was beaming. Jinyoung noticed for the first time that one of his front teeth was missing, but it was still one of the brightest smiles he had ever seen. “Miss told me yesterday! Why did you lie and say you weren't? I can’t believe the King of the Playground walked me home after school and I didn’t even know!”
Jinyoung couldn’t resist a small smile. The sight of the little boy bouncing on his feet warmed him for a moment and he patted Ki-woo on the head. “If somebody asked Clark Kent if he was Superman, he wouldn’t say yes, now would he?”
Ki-woo’s eyes widened in understanding. “Wow. That’s so true! You’re so cool!”
“You’ll have to keep my secret.”
“Of course I will! Ahjussi, can you tell me how you did it? How did you manage to climb the oak tree?” Ki-woo demanded, grabbing Jinyoung’s arm and tugging on it eagerly. “You have to tell me, you just have to! Were you really tall?”
Jinyoung blinked. “Tall? Not particularly…”
“Then how? How did you do it?”
Jinyoung opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off by a loud yell. He had been so preoccupied with Ki-woo that he hadn’t noticed the much larger man that was making his way across the school yard. Jackson Wang had a huge smile on his face and without greeting, he threw his arms around Jinyoung in a fierce hug.
“Park Jinyoung! Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence!” Jackson cried happily. He pulled back and noticed the blank look on Jinyoung’s face. With a frown, he pointed to himself eagerly. “Remember me? Jackson! Jackson Wang! You used to pass me all the answers in History class!”
Jinyoung swallowed. “Uh…”
“Mr. Wang, you’re friends with Park Jinyoung?” Ki-woo asked, his mouth gaping open.
Jackson blinked and looked down at the boy sheepishly. “Ah, Ki-woo. I didn’t see you down there. Didn’t your teacher tell you to wait inside until someone came to pick you up? Go back indoors now.”
Ki-woo pouted. “But-”
“Nope. Back inside. Now.”
Jackson waited until Ki-woo began to slouch back towards the school building and then turned back to Jinyoung. “Man, you’re pretty much the celebrity around these parts now, eh? We had a couple of reporters come by the school this morning, asking for anyone who used to know you. You have nothing to worry about! I scared them off. These babies aren’t here for nothing,” Jackson beamed and flexed his bare bicep.
Jinyoung didn’t really know how to respond. “Nice.”
Jackson narrowed his eyes. “You do remember me, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course-”
“We should get drinks sometime and catch up now that you’re back in town! Man, I really owe you. You did me a solid one that Christmas before you left, remember? I’ll buy you a couple of beers at the pub. What’s your phone number?” Jackson demanded.
“I don’t really have a phone right now…”
“Don’t have a phone?” Jackson looked confused. “Weird but okay. I guess I can always ask Miss First Grade to get in touch with you. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me you were back in town!” he cried, slapping Jinyoung’s arm playfully. “Hold on… you’re here to see her, aren’t you?”
Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Not exactly…”
Jackson chuckled knowingly. “No worries, man. I’ve got your back. I need to go inside and take care of the kids now, so I’ll tell her to come out and meet you here, yeah? Let me know if any more of those reporters come around. I’ll take handle them for you!”
Jinyoung forced a smile. “Thanks-”
“No problem, man. It’s what friends are for. We’ll catch up soon!”
“Sure.”
Jinyoung watched Jackson half-run back to the school building, letting out a sigh of relief. Each person he came across in this town seemed to remember something about him and the one who possessed the most dangerous knowledge was Jackson Wang. In addition to having been the resident supplier of inappropriate magazines and the one who’d convinced Jinyoung to try his first cigarette behind the park back in high school, Jackson simply knew a little too much about everybody.
Jinyoung sat down on the bench and took a deep breath. He just realized that Jackson had said he would send you out to meet him. Why hadn’t he told him not to? He wasn’t prepared to face you. Idiot.
It was a few minutes before you emerged from the school building and walked towards Jinyoung. There was a pleasant smile on your face as you approached, and it made Jinyoung’s stomach turn. How could you smile at him like that? How could you be so calm about everything?
“Jinyoung,” you greeted him, confused. “Should you be roaming around out here? There are reporters buzzing all around town.”
Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Uh. Yeah, I know. Jackson said he drove them away...”
You rolled your eyes. “That idiot Jackson Wang? He was fully prepared to seize his five minutes of fame by telling them how you used to help him cheat in History class. I had to step in and force him to deny the request for an interview,” you muttered. Jinyoung’s eyes widened and you gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I sent a message to the principal of the middle school and the high school. Nobody’s going to give any interviews about you.”
Jinyoung felt small.
“Thanks,” he muttered.
“Did they find your house?”
“Yeah. They’ve been knocking the door all day. It’s really starting to bother Mom and Dad.”
Your expression was sympathetic. “Should I call the police?”
“Don’t worry. I was going to go down to the station myself and ask them to send someone to get rid of the reporters,” Jinyoung reassured you. He felt his heartbeat thump wildly as he looked at your gently smiling face. Should he say it? Should he talk about the elephant in the room? Even though he hadn’t prepared what to say?
“About… about last night…”
You blinked. “Yeah?”
He sighed. “About your mother. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I know that’s no excuse, but I should have been there and-”
You cut him off with a forced smile. “Jinyoung. It’s okay. It’s not like you could have done anything for her even if you were here, you’re not a doctor. Everyone did the best they could.”
Jinyoung swallowed. “I might not have been able to help her. But… I should have been there for you.”
The smile dropped from your face. What could you say? Jinyoung’s eyes were filled with shame but it wasn’t the right time for him to be offering condolences. That time had long passed.
But you still remembered his words from last night as he’d hugged you. I don’t feel as alone when I’m here. Jinyoung had been through so much. How could you say anything to such a broken man except for it’s okay? How could you offer him anything but comfort when he had nobody but you?
How could you not be the bigger person when he was suffering?
“It’s fine, Jinyoung,” you promised him softly. “You don’t need to worry about it.”
“How can I not-”
“Seriously. Please. It’s in the past and nobody was to blame. It happened around the time your company was going public, so I can only imagine how chaotic your life and work must have been back then. I don’t resent you.”
Jinyoung looked up at you in disbelief. “How can you not?”
“I just… don’t. It’s fine.”
“Do you really mean that? Do you really mean that?” he demanded.
“I do,” you insisted firmly. You glanced at your watch and sighed. “Wow, it’s getting late. We have a PTA fundraiser at school tonight so I need to start setting up. Oh! Did you bring my bicycle by any chance?” you asked him hopefully.
Jinyoung shook his head. “Uh, no. The reporters were in front of my house so I slipped out through the back…”
“Can you drop it by the school later? I’m going to staying back pretty late because I have to wrap up after the event is over. It might even take till midnight and the buses stop running at 9 so I need a way to get home. It’s not too much trouble, is it?”
“No, that’s fine. I’ll drop it off here later.”
You gave him a small smile as you turned to go back indoors. “Bye, Jinyoung.”
“Bye.”
---------------------------
The PTA fundraiser left you drained of energy.
You would much rather have dealt with a hundred kids at once than with a handful of parents. At least kids could be made to see reason, they could be convinced with a little bit of logic (however flawed). Adults, on the other hand, believed that they knew best and that things had to be done exactly the way they wanted. Adults were unreasonable. Adults liked to throw around their authority.
You had never wanted to get into bed so badly.
You stayed back late to clean up after the fundraiser was over. It wasn’t required of you, but it was something that you somehow ended up volunteering to do. All the other teachers had families to go home to and kids to take care of. You only had an empty apartment.
Asking them to stay back instead of you felt selfish.
You slung your bag over your shoulder and trudged out into the parking lot to see that the bicycle racks were empty. Shit. Had Jinyoung forgotten to leave the bicycle behind for you? Where was he?
You pulled out your cell phone and then sighed. Damn Park Jinyoung. He didn’t even have a stupid phone. It was far past the time that Mr. and Mrs. Park would have gone to bed and you didn't want to wake them by calling them. But your apartment was too far to walk and you would have to pass by the pub; you had no interest in meeting the town’s drunkards alone in those narrow alleys  at midnight.
You sighed and dialled another number.
“Jackson, hey. I’m so sorry, I know you just left a little while ago, but…”
-------------------
It was 1am when you heard a loud banging on your front door.
You had just finished taking a shower and were getting ready to slip into bed when the noise began. Your heartbeat racing, you grabbed hold of a kitchen knife quickly and then slowly approached your door.
“Who’s there?” you yelled out, voice shaking.
The voice that replied was muffled. “Jinyoung!”
Jinyoung? At this time of night?
You opened the door carefully. The first thing that hit you was the awful smell; Jinyoung stank of sweat and cheap beer. His eyes were red and his face flushed as he looked at you almost wildly.
“Are you okay?” he demanded, grabbing your shoulders to look at you properly. His hands were trembling and he seemed unaware of how loud his voice was. “Are you all right? I was looking for you everywhere!”
You raised an eyebrow at him. “Wow, you’re drunk.”
Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry- I’m so, so, sorry-”
“How about you come inside before you bring my neighbours running over with all of your noise?” you snapped. You had little patience for drunks, and knowing that Jinyoung had been out getting drunk instead of returning your bicycle did not please you. “Where have you been?”
Jinyoung stared at you helplessly, his arms waving around as he spoke. “I-I was just going to get one drink, I swear. But it led to another and I totally forgot about your bike and I was so scared that you might have walked home because I know that path passes by the pub and it’s not safe-”
“Relax,” you told Jinyoung as you guided him gently towards your couch. “I didn't walk. I called Jackson, he drove me home.”
“Jackson? Wang? Why? Are you guys close?” he asked, plopping down heavily on the couch.
You shrugged. “He’s a good friend.”
Jinyoung paused for a moment and then hung his head quietly.
“We used to be good friends.”
You looked down at Jinyoung properly. He was a wreck. His dark hair was a tangled mess and the light blue dress shirt he was wearing was wrinkled with a beer stain on it. There were even large sweat stains under his arms; he’d probably cycled all the way here in a panic.
And he’s one of the Most Eligible Bachelors under 40. If only the magazine had seen him like this.
“We’re still friends,” you told him lightly. “Although it wouldn’t do any harm to return my bicycle when I ask for it. Do you want a glass of water?”
Jinyoung blinked at you dazedly. “Do you have beer?”
“Absolutely not. Haven’t you had enough?”
His lower lip pouted slightly as he stared down at the floor. “I’ve been drinking all evening but I haven’t reached the point where I feel good or forget about my problems yet. In fact, I keep thinking about them even more. How about a cigarette?”
“You will not smoke in my house,” you told him with a firm glare.
To your surprise, Jinyoung suddenly smiled. It was only a gentle curve of his lips but you spotted it and frowned at him with your arms folded across your chest. “Are you feeling proud of yourself right now? Do you think your behaviour is something to laugh about?” you demanded.
Jinyoung looked up at you softly. “No.”
“Then why are you-”
“Because this is the first time you’ve given me that look since I came back,” Jinyoung admitted quietly. His voice trembled. “This is the first time you got angry at me. You don’t seem to get angry at me anymore.”
You didn’t understand. “Why would you want me to be angry at you-”
“Because you have to be angry with someone before you can forgive them. You have to first admit that they hurt you or that they did something wrong, and only then can you begin to repair your relationship,” Jinyoung whispered. He looked up at you and you could see the tears brimming in his eyes. “So tell me honestly. Have you forgiven me already?”
You swallowed. “I was never mad at you to begin with-”
“You’re lying.”
You clenched your fists as your heartbeat thudded. “I’m not lying. You’re drunk. You should drink some water and you can sleep on the couch-”
Jinyoung looked up at you, his eyes bloodshot yet surprisingly clear. “You are lying. Either you’re lying or you’re not the same girl I remember.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because the girl I knew wouldn’t have pretended to forgive a friend to spare his feelings. She would have grabbed me by the shirt, looked me in the eye, and said Park Jinyoung, you’re an absolute bastard for leaving me here when I was having a hard time. She wouldn’t have spared my feelings. She would have expected me to be there for her because that’s what friends do. They count on each other.”
You closed your eyes. How had Jinyoung seen right through you? Even after 10 years, how could he see through you like you were made of glass?
“I’m not angry,” you tried to tell him slowly, even though you weren’t sure who you were convincing anymore. “Because I never expected you to be there. You were busy and I had no expectations-”
Jinyoung scoffed. “You’re lying again.”
“I’m not-”
“You are. Friendship is when you help someone, because you trust that they would do the same for you. What you’re doing for me isn’t friendship. You don’t trust me anymore. If you have no expectations from me, then that’s charity!” Jinyoung spat out. Tears were brimming in his eyes and his voice was choked. “Is that what I am to you? Charity?”
You clenched your fists and let out a small, humourless laugh. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”
“What?”
“Where the fuck do you get off accusing me of treating you like charity? After what you did?” you snapped.
Jinyoung stared at you blankly. “Tell me.”
Your throat closed up. You didn’t want to talk about it. You didn’t want to drag yourself back to what had been the lowest point of your life, especially not in front of Jinyoung. You didn’t know who he was to you anymore. How could you open up to him?
“I can’t,” you muttered. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jinyoung.”
“Please,” Jinyoung whispered. “Please. At least tell me I was a terrible friend for not being there. Tell me I was a terrible friend for not even knowing about your mother.”
You took a deep breath and sat down, your knees feeling weak. You had never imagined that you would have to sit next to Jinyoung and say these words to him while he was drunk. Yet, as his dark eyes pierced into yours, he looked more sober than ever.
“It was my fault she died,” you whispered, shakily. “I know how hard my Mom worked to raise me. I know how much she struggled after my Dad passed away. The doctor told me her heart attack was probably caused by stress- years of it. She was growing old but she’d never even gone for a health check-up because we couldn’t afford it.”
Jinyoung stared at you silently.
“I needed someone to say this to back then,” you admitted quietly. “I needed someone who would listen to me and who wouldn’t try to convince me that it wasn’t my fault or that I didn't do anything wrong. That’s what everyone kept doing. They kept trying to comfort me but I just wanted someone who would listen. I wanted you,” you mumbled.
Jinyoung only nodded. His hands reached out to take both of yours. He grasped them tightly.
“I knew you were busy, but I always had this hope that maybe you would come to the funeral,” you whispered. “I thought… surely, whatever I did to make you cut me off, it wasn’t so bad that you wouldn't even turn up to my mother’s funeral. But the truth was that I couldn’t grieve properly because the hospital was hounding me about the bills, I…”
You took a deep breath. You hated thinking about those moments. You had felt so helpless and alone, backed into a corner. “I don’t think it even sank in that my mother was dead until a few days later,” you mumbled. “ I spent the first day wondering how the hell I was going to pay the hospital bills instead of thinking about her. Your mother tried comforting me, she told me it would all be fine and that she would call you for help.”
Jinyoung closed his eyes; tears were clinging to his eyelashes.
“She did,” he mumbled.
You felt the walls around you come crashing down as you looked at the broken man in front of you. You remembered how badly you’d wanted to see him then, how much you’d craved his comfort. You remembered how furious you had been when you realized that Jinyoung had abandoned you.
“I thought you would call,” you mumbled. “I didn’t want to disturb you but at the same time I trusted that you wouldn’t leave me alone at a time like that.”
Jinyoung’s voice was soft. “I’m sorry.”
“It would have been better if you hadn't done anything at all,” you mumbled. “Maybe then I could have forgotten about it in the mess that I was going through. But you didn’t. I got a call from your secretary the night before the funeral.”
Jinyoung lowered his head. His hands were trembling even as they held yours and you could hear his soft sniffle. “Shit,” he muttered, his voice thick with tears. “Shit, I can’t believe-”
“I thought you’d finally called. But it wasn’t you. I had to hear some strange woman tell me over the phone that Park Jinyoung is sorry he can’t make it to the funeral but he sends his condolences,” you choked out. You smiled humorlessly. “As if I was some distance acquaintance you barely knew. You sent me your condolences through your secretary.”
“I didn’t- I didn’t know it was you…”
“And then she told me that if I would just email her a copy of the hospital and funeral bills then all the expenses would be taken care of,” you mumbled. “She said that she could send me as much as I needed, no limit. I was so embarrassed. I wanted-I wanted to tell her that you could go fuck yourself and that I didn’t want your condolences and your money. I wanted to refuse so badly, but…”
You hung your head in shame. “But I couldn’t,” you whispered. “I couldn’t say that to her because it was true. I had no other way of paying those bills. So I sent her the details and I let you pay for them. Whether you know it or not, you paid for all my mother’s hospital bills and funeral while I sat here and wondered how I had become such a worthless daughter.”
Jinyoung’s hands clasped yours so tightly that it hurt. His shoulders were shaking and you could see the sobs racking his chest. “I didn’t mean to-” he sobbed. Jinyoung’s tears landed on your clasped hands. “I didn’t mean to, I swear…”
You slowly removed your hands from his. “I have the accounts,” you muttered. “I’ve been saving up to pay you back. It might take me a few more years but-”
Jinyoung flinched. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s not open to discussion, Jinyoung.”
“Don’t say you’ll pay me back, please-”
“I will pay you back,” you said firmly. You took a deep breath. “You know why? Because I might be able to forgive you for not being there when I needed you. But I will never, never forget how cheap I felt the moment I ended that phone call. So don’t talk to me about charity; I know how it feels to be on the other end of it.”
Jinyoung closed his eyes. He felt light-headed and blank as he thought about everything you’d said. No wonder you didn’t consider him a friend. No wonder you couldn't bring yourself to be honest with him. No wonder there was something fake and forced about your every smile.
Jinyoung hadn’t just messed up.
He had destroyed something precious to him without even realizing it.
“It’s late,” you mumbled after a brief silence. “You should go to sleep. Here, just; make yourself comfortable on the couch and I’ll get you a blanket and some pillows.”
Jinyoung swallowed. “I-I can’t…”
“You’re not going anywhere at this time of night while you’re drunk,” you told him. You pushed him lightly so that he leaned back against the sofa. “Stay put. I’ll be back. I think we’ve talked enough for tonight.”
“Can you just promise me one thing?” Jinyoung asked quietly.
“What’s that?”
“Even if you don’t consider me your friend anymore, even if you’re just being nice to me because you’re that kind of a caring person… don’t give up on me completely.” Jinyoung looked up at you desperately. “Please. Tell me that I can fix things. Tell me I haven’t broken our friendship and my life beyond repair.”
You looked down at him. Lying on your couch in his crumpled dress shirt and the beer stains, Jinyoung looked pathetic. Perhaps it was because you’d finally let out all the resentment you’d been bottling up for so long. Perhaps it was because, looking into Jinyoung’s eyes now, you could see that he did care. But you suddenly didn’t feel so hollow anymore.
You didn’t feel so lonely in your pain.
“Everything can be fixed, Jinyoung,” you told him softly.
“Even us?” he mumbled.
You nodded. “Even us.”
“Even me?”
“Especially you.”
Jinyoung slowly closed his eyes and you went into the other room to get him a spare pillow and a blanket. He let you place the pillow under his head and snuggled into the soft blanket. You turned to switch off the light when you heard him mumble.
“You know something?”
“What, Jinyoung?”
“I thought that the most unbearable thing about being fired from the company was all the effort I’d put into it. I thought I couldn’t bear it because I’d done so much for it for the years,” he said slowly.
You blinked at his curled up figure under the blanket.
“But it’s not?” you asked.
Jinyoung shook his head. “It’s not how much I’ve done for the company that I can’t bear. It’s how much I sacrificed for it.”
-------------------
191 notes · View notes
queenofnohr · 5 years
Note
fujimi's design is really detailed, i love it! could you do a few asks from your extremely detailed oc ask meme reblog? mainly 3, 11, 14, 13, 14, 17, 27, 49-51, and 53-56! im super interested in where you came up with the inspiration to create such a deep backstory for her!
AHHHHHH thank you so much!!!!!! whbadghsbdadgwv ;;~;; yall make my heart all wibbly when y’all love my girls but anyway! answer under readmore bc it gets long
3. Orientation and Relationship status (single, taken (by who?), crush (on who?))
ahaaaaaaaaaa….. It’s Complicated.
She definitely has a thing with Genichiro but I don’t even know if I’d call it a crush? Maybe back when she first met Genichiro (he was the one who gave her a naginata in the first place) but after all these years….. idk. I feel like having a crush has this sort of pining attached to it that simply isn’t there as she would exist in the game proper because of their lengthy history. The two are thick as thieves though, and honestly…… are basically married just sans a confession or like. Actual Romantic stuff.
As the Bride of Ashina (the….. country, not Genichiro or Isshin LOL) her actual status is a kind of…… nun-like/Jeanne d’Arc type of figure? I mean taking the religious aspect out of it there’s this piety toward her country and because she’s “Ashina’s Bride” that’s “who” she’s committed to, and no other person can encroach upon that union.
Also she does have a complex because she is, well, the vessel of a whole village’s worth of kegare accumulated over generations and is thus “unclean”. Even if Genichiro were to propose marriage, she’d turn it down because she could not bring herself to sully him.
11. Do they have any notable features, like horns, tails, or so on?
Aside from being Very Albino……. not usually. Certain actions taken in the fake Black Mortal Blade DLC can put her on one of two paths - one where she remains a vessel for kegare, and one where she is purified. Purified, she is able to call upon Benzaiten for help, and while it is up to the goddess to answer that call, if she does respond, Fujimi has a whopping 8 whole entire arms and is a Giant Woman.
Corrupted… Well her corrupted form isn’t just corrupted by kegare, but the cycle of war, and a big thing is the exploration of one of my favorite quotes “When desire is stripped of its humanity… all that remains is war.” and so it’s also accumulation of desire. And, when this transformation takes place, it’s at a time where desire hangs thick in the air - “I don’t want to die” “Please, someone save me” “I want to kill them all” “Someone, please avenge me” “Someone, please save Ashina”. Hundreds of voices all ringing out with that sentiment……. And she, as the Vessel, bears them all upon her body to sooth their souls. But there’s only so much even someone built for containing that much rage, hatred, corruption, anguish can hold……. It overflows, overflows, spilling out, and turns her into a monster……… From her hips down, her body is that of a serpent’s, her skin patched with scales, with four arms, mouth split at the sides allowing her to unhinge her jaw like a snake, with hooked teeth
though the hooked teeth and mouth split can also occur for a certain ritual….. More or less, the curse of Ayame village can be bestowed upon an outsider via the Gatekeeper. Obviously, Fujimi can’t normally do this, but by devouring her sister’s still-beating heart, she gets a single “charge” of that power.
13. Have any kids?
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh not………. in the main game. or dlc. but endings……….. well. thinking emoji
14. Can they cook? Can they bake?
She can cook very well! Come with the territory of being trained to be a wife.
17 Can they fight?
Already answered here!
27. What’s their family like? Who’s in it? What’s their relationship with them?
The people of Ayame village tend to live slightly longer (natural) lifespans than normal humans (it’s that good good cursed blood). Her family before she was sent off consisted of her great grandmother, grandparents, parents, and sister. Her great grandmother was the previous Gatekeeper…… As evidenced by the other details of her childhood, her family is Not Great. She barely remembers her parents - in her memory they exist only as voices, ghosts looming over her shoulder, watching her advances in various skills with a careful eye. She…… had a good relationship with her sister before she left since she and one other were the only children who would play with her in the village (bc of her spiritual uncleanliness), and she would sometimes sibling swap with her sister, but as detailed here, that good relationship is not reciprocated any longer
49. What are some themes tied to your character’s story?
Kegare, duality/mirrors/mirroring, the intersection of divine/holy and sin/corruption, monstrosity vs. humanity, wearing masks/acting in a role, cycles of death/war/fate, desire as war
50. What are some motifs associated with your character?
Snakes or other serpentine patterns, water especially the sea, irises, wisteria, indigo…… I think that’s it?
51. What were some inspirations for your character (people, movies, games)?
Already answered here!
53. Expectations vs Reality: what did you expect and what did you get with this character?
Expectation: I wanted a character that I could use to explore the more supernatural elements of Sekiro, as well as a side of “they gave me so much bride imagery and lore but no bride so I am going to give them Genichiro’s a bride”
Reality: my bride now
no but really………. I guess there were no expectations to break because I didn’t really have a clear image of her when I started. I wanted someone who would allow me to play in this world, and I guess how I wanted to play shaped who she is. I suppose, if anything, I didn’t expect her individual pieces to end up lining up and clicking into place as easily as it did concerning lore details?
I guess I also didn’t expect to love her this much……. I often create OCs to understand a world I dearly love better, and that’s how I interact with it (I did this with KH, Monogatari series, and others) but the fact I’ve never shown them off tells you exactly how much I care about them. It’s not that I don’t work hard on them, but I work hard crafting, figuring them out, figuring all the pieces that fit, but once I’m done and satisfied with everything, they sit on a shelf collecting dust because they’ve done what they came here to do. Madora is special because she’s different in that I never tire of thinking about her. Fujimi is shaping up to be the same way - she’s a bit of a special case because I love Sekiro so much I don’t want to change the ending and there’s not much for her after the ending, but I still like thinking of AUs, detailing her time before the fall of Ashina, etc.
In a sense I think the greatest surprise is how much I ended up liking her.
54. What does your character want, and what do they need?
Mmmmm. This is gonna sound weird but. What she wants is to die. I don’t think she’s actively suicidal or depressed or anything like that but….. There’s certain parts of her that long for death. Death because she was meant to die at 8 anyway. Death because it’s what’s needed to ensure the safety of her village. Death because she forsook her duty and in turn, her village. Death because there is a part of her buried deep down inside that knows she isn’t human and she sees people like Genichiro and Gyoubu and the Ashina troops willing to lay down their lives for Ashina, to shed their humanity to protect it, and she wants that, wants to shine as brilliantly as those humans, rushing to their deaths with their fragile bodies, do.
What she needs is…… to live. She was given and continues (due to various circumstances) to be given a new lease on life. She tethers herself to things to die for so she doesn’t need to think about how to live - she only needs to think about how she will die. But she needs to learn to untether herself, and face the terrifying reality of being alive. In a sense, she needs to learn to surrender.
55. What’s your character’s core trait? What’s their best trait? What’s their worst trait? When happens when these all interact with each other?
Already answered here!
56. What’s your overall goal with this character? Will they get a happy ending or will they succumb to their faults?
As stated before, the only goal was to explore The Lore. As for a happy ending....... aha. Is that really possible when she’s team Ashina......? Well. I actually planned out alternate endings depending on player choice in the Black Mortal Blade DLC I’ve been planning :3
1 note · View note
aesthetic-mindsx · 7 years
Text
twitter bios
speak your mind even if your voice shakes
tell me a lie
you were a masterpiece, but then everyone saw you
I smell autumn
yes I function with out a heart
my mom won’t like you
please do not touch
there are so many types of art but {name of idol) is my favourite
seize the day
fragile, handle with respect 
I was the perfect roe that drowned
happiness is a great colour
you eventually will run back into it 
keep your heart closed but mind open
qualified meme-ster
ambitious
s/he was so artistic painting smiles on every face but her/his own
did s/he forget to love
ask no question and you’ll get no lies
people change quicker than you think
society is an ugly burnt ass cracker
how many secrets can you keep
only fools fall for you
meme queen
everything I ever loved, I lost in the magic
seek joy, embrace joy, share joy
if you don’t build your dream, someone will hire you to build theirs.
autumn kills summer with the softest kiss.
no tears for the creatures of the night
you will let go
the colour yellow is really under-appreciated
im a petty bitch
Im a golden thread; fragile but valuable 
a little bit of sugar, but a lot of poison too
confusing reality with dreams
and I will fight even if I break 
smile
fuck im broke
give me a sign
you’re one of a kind and no one understand
make your life a story worth telling
in conclusion, im bitter
but one day I’ll stop falling
(idol name)’s the tear in my heart
im soppy and emotional so stay the fuck away
yikes
have I fit into society yet?
is this any better?
create you’re own path to an adventure 
I let you out, and everyone saw
send memes
glazed donuts 
late nights, red eyes
entertain my faith
*instrumental*
sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind
I’m Fiji water, you are toilet water
see good in all things
we rise by lifting other
oh no, not you again
you still have Facebook?
you make me emo
just keep going
but do you know my aesthetic?
wheres the leak ma’am 
be like spongebob, create fire in the ocean
can life go back to when I didn’t understand it
How do I silence my sins
I will burn again
did I give you permission to break my heart?
red blood, black heart
dear society, do you accept me now?
a thornless withered rose
a touch of gold
fuck you I don’t care I failed
aesthetic mind
my brain is 80% song lyrics
im at the top but I still don’t see you
left me in the dark
stars fall and the world goes blind
sorry mom I promise to never be a a bad bitch
if you’re lost just look for me
dismayed mind
fuck of weirdo
home is where the art is
keep your dreams close to your heart
teach me your contour blending ways
find a way to be yourself
first you find yourself
let me glow bitch
I don’t want seconds
take on life like a swan; calm and serene on the surface, but paddling like hell underneather
(idols name) fills my heart
mom can I be savage now?
do ya thang
neither lost nor found
have a positive mindset
im honestly a troubled kid looking for dank memes
don’t look back, chase whats in front
no thanks, I don’t want leftover
I want to create
a black cloud in a black sky - nobody notices
oops sorry I spilled out my heart
I found the heart, but its empty
did I leave a stain on your heart
I thought this was eternal
buy me food pls
I asked for the word, and you bought me a carrier bag
sorry only dark humour is accepted 
you made it this far kid
you’ll probably love me 
too lazy to socialise 
I found my happy ending
————————————-
This went REALLY well last time so I thought I would try it again (idc if this failed miserably its 2am)
p>
like or reblog if use :)
————–
p.s enter my giveaway https://gleam.io/tx8DH/2k-followers-giveaway
10K notes · View notes
fialleril · 7 years
Text
Replies to ‘Flowers for the Emperor’
So I’m hideously behind on my replies. (Seriously. So far behind that the folks I’m replying to probably don’t even remember what they said, lol.) But dang it, I’m getting them done! Eventually.
I’m gonna do a post for each fic I owe people replies to, so I don’t spam people.
Here’s the replies for the last DAV fic, Flowers for the Emperor.
@w3-4r3-th3-f1r3 said
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD GUYS GUYS THE FLOWERS OH MY GOD
OHHHH MY GOD I LOVE THE IDEA OF THE WHOLE FLOWER LANGUAGE BEING WRAPPED UP IN FOLK HISTORY SO MUCH
AND THAT POOJA COULD RECOGNIZE AND UNDERSTAND IT BECAUSE SHZ KNEW THE STORIES THATS SOMETHING THAT MAKZS MY RESEARCH-HAPPY HEART FUCKING SOAR I SWEAR TO GODDDDD
and Leia’s line, “and we’ll have flowers”.. I PUNCHED THE AIR SO HARD I HURT MY ELBOW BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I HEAR HER SAY THAT CLZAR AS DAY IN MY HEAR. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS
Thank you! :) Apparently the moral of this story (and arguably the entire DAV universe) is that it pays to be a nerd. The revolution is fought (and won) with folk tales and poetry and flowers.
@threadsketchier said
  #I HAVE NEVER HIT REBLOG SO HARD IN MY LIFE    #i'm so thirsty for naberrie family fics  #& my thirst is slaked  #night: made  #crack!fic goals  #majestic    #*flaming elmo gif*  #it's ok that we're still not at bespin   #because we get more quality content like this   #the family that slays together  #say it with flowers  #that may be my new tag for this lol  #lastly  #YAAAASSSSSSSSSS
Ha ha thanks. :) This fic basically turned into a vehicle for all my Naberrie headcanons, with a side of double agent Vader shenanigans, so I’m glad you enjoyed that.
Also “say it with flowers” sounds like a catchy advertising slogan and now I’m picturing Darth Vader doing TV ads, so thanks for that.
@miriannemiri said
fabulous!  absolutely fabulous!  the way he told her to get out was fabulous  and just all the inside jokes possible with this  and the way he almost tested her the first time!  Also   as someone who used flower language in literary analysis while getting my master's   this just tickles me   fabulous addition 
Oh my goodness, I’m delighted to get a seal of approval from somebody who actually knows flower language!
I imagine the scene just after the end of the fic is Pooja telling Ryoo all about the different bouquets, and Ryoo cracking up laughing at each one.
@themoosejthm said
#A NEW FIC  #AND IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD  #READ THE THING  #ALSO THAT FAM REUNION IS GOING TO BE AWKWARD AS FUCK  #we also see more of Anakin being an awkward duck and just...swanning away from conversations midway through them  #the language of flowers on naboo is also a thing of beauty  #also it was really beautiful how present Padme was in this piece even though she's been dead for years  #just...FIA AT IT AGAIN WITH THE GOOD FIC   
Yessss, I’m so glad people are commenting on awkward turtleduck Anakin. He’s so awkward, but he gets away with it because people are so terrified that they think he’s being intimidating, when in fact he just...doesn’t know how to end a conversation.
Padme keeps popping up in dreams and memories because the idea of writing a story without her in it at all is just too terrible to contemplate.
@stereden said
#when someone who married into your culture knows your flower language better than you Palpatine it may be time to admit that you're an idiot #can I just say how much I adore the idea of Ekkreth basically telling Palpatine TO HISFACE that he's acting against him and will kill him #FOR PADME #and using Padme's culture to do so #imagine Anakin and Padme spending time together and Padme teaching him about Naboo and her traditions #and Anakin tells her stories of Tatooine #because for all that he hates the planet and what it represents #he learned a lot there #and in his darkest hours it's those lessons he remembers and uses to free himself #one story at a time #one bouquet at a time 
Thank you for these lovely tags!
Palpatine is a Serious Galactic Political Force, the inane superstitions and provincial traditions of villagers and slaves do not concern him.
By the time Pooja sees her first bouquet, Anakin’s been sending them for several years already and got his delivery down to a science, but I think the first time he sent the flowers he actually thought that Palpatine would be able to read them, and he fully expected his Master to take his anger out on him, even if he didn’t suspect Vader as the sender. Anakin was just too depressed to care. But then to his surprise it turned out that Palpatine couldn’t read the secret language of his own people (which, to an Anakin who’s now thinking largely in Tatooine terms, is practically a moral judgment itself). And once he knew he could get away with it, he got really into it.
Both Pooja and Anakin think of the bouquets as Padme’s flowers, though for different reasons.
kiralamouse said
Y’all, if you aren’t reading Double Agent Vader, you’re missing out. It’s fractally beautiful, the little details mirroring the big picture mirroring the middle-ground means, that injustice must be shattered (and shall be, by the reassembled broken bits reforged into immutable objects). Also, secret admirer flowers being secret death threats. Details.
#best au  #incidentally thanks fia for the fact that i can no longer not see your religious worldbuilding in canon  #no seriously thanks  #this fills the hole so perfectly that canon has yet to contradict
Thank you so much for this really beautiful image, wow. I’m flustered.
Also delighted that you like the Tatooine culture. :)
@thecookiemonster77 said
#!!!!!!!!!! #EEEEEEEEE DAV UPDATE!!!!! :DDDDDDD #IM YELL #I love ani what a nerd #*enters conversation* *doesn't know what to do* #*scuttles away* #same ani #same #but also!!!!!!! padmes family!!!!!! pooja!!!!!!!!!!!! #and flower fic!!!!!! #I'm so excited the hate bouquets became an official part of this installment omg #ani u nerd #I'm just. so in love w how they throw their disdain in palatines face #literally #like???? I just love their resistance and how they take whatever humor they can get #and!!!!!! using tales and flowers for rebellion!!!!!!!!!!! #dex as a part of the rebellion!!!!!!!!! #ITS WONDERFUL 
:D I’m so glad people enjoyed awkward!Vader because honestly, he’s so much fun. A giant terrifying nerd. Someday in the future, once a lot of things have come out, Pooja is going to tease him so hard about this.
There’s an old saying that the thing that infuriates the Devil most is being laughed at. I feel like that’s true for Palpatine, as well. Of course, right now he doesn’t realize he’s being laughed at, but there’s a certain satisfaction in that, too. And it keeps people going. Laughter is important for a rebellion.
Also I am literally incapable of not name-dropping Dex at some point in my AUs, so the biggest surprise here is that he took so long to show up.
@fairandfatalasfair said
This was fantastic.
I love the parallel between Ryoo’s research and the traditional stories of Naboo, ignored because how could romantic poetry be relevant? and the insignificant folk stories that inspired Anakin’s change of alleigance.
I love the awkward conversation between Pooja and Anakin, and her complete unpreparedness for being questioned on the floral arrangements by the emperor’s right hand. (I’m not totally sure whether he’s reminding her not to give away the joke, or just checking whether she shared her aunt’s interest in flower language, or something else entirely, but regardless it’s a delightful exchange.)
I love the flower Pooja leaves behind - a last message for the emperor. It’s so in keeping with the rest of what we see of her in this, very different in tone from the gloating, personal hatred of Vader’s bouquets. That principled declaration of unflinching intent to see democracy victorious, hidden in something fragile and beautiful and insignificant, is exactly what she’s been doing here all along. And Palpatine will never know.
#Stories are important
#And everyone knows this except Palpatine
#I'm not even going to go into the dramatic irony because at this point that's just the defining reality of the AU
#But it's still simultaneously delightful and also killing me
#because Pooja's like inches from putting together who sent the flowers and misses it because it just seems too implausible
#okay maybe I'm going into it a little bit
#anyway beautiful story
Thank you for such an epic comment!
This entire AU is not so secretly centered around the power of stories to inspire and create resistance, so I’m glad people are enjoying that. :)
Also I imagine that to someone like Palpatine, things like flower language and folk tales and poetry are all considered childish and feminine, and therefore unimportant. So there’s a double sense of enjoyment in seeing those things lead to his downfall.
Anakin originally approached Pooja in that awkward exchange because he wanted to see if she really understood the meaning of the flowers - and if that meant he actually had an audience for them now. (Anakin’s a little bit of a showboat, tbh, and he hasn’t really been able to exercise that tendency in a long time. Sending messages to Palpatine that the Emperor can’t understand is satisfying, in its way, but it’s much more satisfying to known someone else does understand.)
Only once he’s confirmed that yes, she definitely can read the message, he has no idea how to end the conversation. So he just kind of...leaves. Like the awkward duck he is.
I’m glad you like Pooja’s flower at the end. :) And the important difference, ultimately, between her (and Leia) and Anakin. Anakin’s doing this in some sense for Padme - she loved the Republic so he’ll fight to bring it back - but ultimately, he still doesn’t really believe in the ideal of the Republic, and democracy is still a pretty meaningless concept to him. He’s out for a personal revenge, and he is actually invested in the Tatooine revolution, but the Rebellion as an organization is a lot more abstract to him.
Pooja, though, is really Padme’s ideological heir, even if she’s crafted her public image to be Padme’s opposite. She is fighting for democracy, for a core set of principles, for the ideal of the Republic she genuinely hopes to create.
@astudyinimagination said
#dammit uncle ani pls talk to your niece like a normal person#honestly when everything finally comes out this is going to be the most awkward family reunion in history#in other news#yes that is a washington post reference#i couldn’t resist#and of course the naboo have multiple flowers representing democracy#of course they do#the lyane rose is the flower padme’s parade dress in tpm is made to look like#also i’m continuing my one person campaign to write fema baab as a master spy#in all universes apparently#and finally it’s possible the bits with mon mothma at the end#conflict in minor ways with rogue one
Well, for starters, this is an AU so if anybody minds that it conflicts with Rogue One, that’s just… silly. (And I adored the movie and I ain’t bothered. ;) )
YES ANAKIN TALK TO YOUR NIECE AND DON’T BE SO RUDE. PADME IS PROBABLY FACEPALMING. HONESTLY, ANAKIN.
And what I probably should have started this sort-of review with is that I’m SO GLAD that one tumblr post snowballed into something that made you want to write something as glorious as this. Thank you so much for actually doing it!
AND POOJA IS SO AMAZING. I just… I love the potential of Padme’s nieces as characters. I bet they were amazing. <3 And I love the way you flesh out the Naberries. *gives them all some much-needed hugs*
Oh yes, and the way that this fic is predominantly female characters is lovely. That’s always a plus. :) (Mon Mothma was great. I loved her. And she’s totally enjoying the knowledge that Darth Vader sent an important message through flowers. :D )
I love Pooja’s assessment that Palpatine had never forgiven Padme for being a better person and not being as ambitious as he was. That’s great. :D
I love Leia and Pooja being friends (oh my gosh, they’re cousins and they don’t even know it and cousins who are good friends is a thing I love). And Leia being so gleeful about her bestie’s symbolic shenanigans is wonderful. (I just… it’s odd, maybe, but I just feel like Leia and Anakin are sort of besties—they have a lot that they share with each other that they can’t share with anyone else. They’re unknowingly biological father and daughter, basically adoptive father and daughter… and they’re besties. And that makes me so happy. :) )
“One day we’ll tell all the stories again. And we’ll have flowers.” —I LOVE THIS LINE.
I have to admit, I wouldn’t have thought that there could be a purge of Senators when the Senate is abolished, but it makes sense. And honestly, that part was truly scary in a way that I haven’t felt from any fics in a long time. Maybe because it was a little more real? Pooja’s amazing, but she’s not Force-sensitive and she doesn’t exactly have the Skywalker luck to get out of Situations. (Heck, maybe it even connected with some old recurring nightmares of mine subconsciously, now that I think about it.) That was genuinely scary. *shivers*
So thank goodness Anakin could give Pooja that message, and thank goodness Pooja and her handmaidens and her family got safely away! Here’s hoping she and Anakin saved a lot of lives!
Oh my goodness this comment is epic! :)
Anakin’s always had an awkward streak, but combined with the additional awkwardness of interacting with someone he hasn’t seen in years, who happens to think he’s dead and to be terrified of the person she thinks he is...and then on top of that the realization that, having determined she can indeed read the flower message, he has no idea where to take the conversation next.... Welp. Better to just nope on out of there.
(Also Darth Vader is frequently awkward in the movies and I feel like fandom doesn’t talk about that enough, so I’m on a quest to write awkward!Vader as often as possible.)
I’m glad you enjoyed all my Naberrie headcanons! I had lots of fun with them and I really need to write them more.
Mon Mothma was great. I loved her. And she’s totally enjoying the knowledge that Darth Vader sent an important message through flowers. :D 
She so is. Honestly she’s probably hoping for The Reveal just so she can finally tell people this ridiculous but true story.
I love Pooja’s assessment that Palpatine had never forgiven Padme for being a better person and not being as ambitious as he was. That’s great. :D 
Thanks! I suspect Pooja is right on the money, too, though of course she doesn’t know that Palpatine also has the joy of tormenting Anakin with his endless parties on the anniversary of Padme’s death. But I think he’d have done the same thing even without Anakin, because he really did hate Padme on her own account.
Pooja and Leia already having a pretty close friendship is going to make at least one part of The Reveal easier. And yeah, I think Leia and Anakin do see each other primarily as friends, with a father-daughter dynamic because it’s a friendship with that level of age gap. It’s not unlike the relationship between Shmi and Anakin, actually: a parent-child relationship that’s really a partnership, a relationship between equals. Leia calls Anakin her teacher, and he does consider her his student (though he’s never actually used that language), but the relationship doesn’t look anything like any teacher-student relationship in his experience. He’s not her master, and neither of them have ever called her his apprentice. He doesn’t give her orders. He doesn’t tell her not to ask questions. They’re friends.
My headcanon for this ‘verse is that the entire Senatorial contingent of the Rebellion got out before Palpatine dissolved the Senate, so this operation, at least, was a resounding success. :) And while Palps must think that someone tipped them off, it certainly couldn’t have been Vader, who was light years away chasing down Princess Leia above Tatooine, and who has always hated politicians anyway.
148 notes · View notes
rosiedoestumblr · 7 years
Text
Because @awake-atnight​ is incredible, she liveblogged her reading of the last few chapters of TWNW. I’ve replied to the others on AO3, but this one wasn’t posted in full, so I’m going to do it here, but reblogging makes it hard to in a hidden post, so I’m going to do it in a new post.
The lesson, my friends, is if you want me to talk at you about a bunch of ‘behind the scenes’ stuff for my fics, comment on them and ask questions / utterly lose your shit because TWNW!Joe is a small, broken w00b.
TWNW Chapter 21: liveblog
@rosiedoestumblr hello darkness my old friend
Can I just say that the chapter title is ominous as hell?
You can and it was meant to be. They all give an insight into what’s going on this chapter, so you could use them as a kind of barometer, I guess.
“If you love me at all, don’t call.” OKAY. OKAY starting off on a POSITIVE NOTE.
Emo lyrics from an emo band for an emo teenager in an emo situation.
Usually, he’d have yelled in frustration, or swore, but in that moment all he could do was fist his hands in his hair and curl his elbows around himself. Why was this happening to him? Why did literally everything he touched turn to shit? He always tried to do what was best for everyone else, but all he asked for was time - time to figure himself out, time to himself, time to sleep, and it was just too much to ask, wasn’t it?
AHHHHHH. Joe is falling apart so hard. All he wanted this whole time was time to think stuff through and for time, especially people in his life, to stop moving so he could try and fix things.
He did, and it wasn’t really a lot to ask, except he wasn’t really communicating it well or sticking to it and Patrick’s an eighteen year old kid, too. Expecting him to behave in an adult way when Joe wasn’t, really, was kind of unfair.
But its’ important to realise that Joe was having a really rough time and that he wasn’t in the best place himself, so he was never going to behave truly rationally.
I love the way you’re portraying Joe. It’s so rare to see Joe in a position of weakness or the one who doesn’t have their shit together, because general fandom perception pegs Joe as the one who can take care of himself, and it’s so easy to forget that Joe’s the youngest and grew up well off and has so many things wrong with him and he’s very quick to doubt and blame himself and fall hard, you know? He’s so broken and lost and vulnerable and it’s interesting to read, but heartwrenching because it’s portrayed so realistically. The lack of hygiene, the small and rare meals, and the lack of social interaction makes my heart ache.
Thank you! It is kind of weird to me how people often portray Patrick as this dainty, fragile little thing, but if you dig around a bit, it’s teenage Joe posting blogs on the band’s website about being so depressed he wasn’t getting dressed or going to college. More recently, he’s talked about some of his struggles and things and it really illustrates that he’s a much more complex person than fandom usually gives him credit for. Sometimes it’s important as a writer to delve into the things you can find out and actually interpret them and what they might imply, rather than taking things at face value.
Patrick would finish with a soft, ‘Okay’ and his bedroom door would close and the music would come on - songs like smoke signals, messages for Joe to decipher.
Such a Patrick thing to do. It’s nice to see how hard Patrick and Pete are trying to reach out to Joe and help him.
Patrick’s trying really hard - but maybe Joe’s right and it’s too late. I mean, how did he think all of this was going to pan out?
NO, Joe’s rejecting help and he’s neglecting to talk to his mom, which is awful and stressful and worrying for Cathie’s end of it. It’s so???? Terrible to see Joe like this, especially with how far things have come.
At the bottom, wrapped in lopsided brackets, was the simple addendum, I’m worried about you, too.
Sweet beautiful caring Patrick please make sure Joe’s okay. I can understand how Joe wants Patrick to feel guilt or at least not feel like the victim when he made that choice in the last chapter. Still, Joe’s agonizing and punishing himself over this overall.
I mean, it’s textbook depression and we could blame Patrick and what happened, but this has all been brewing for a long time - certainly a few months in fic time. Even the futility he felt around their break up and just before, regarding their relationship and college and the band. It’s all indicative of a young dude who isn’t really feeling right and is full of doubts and negative perceptions.
Maybe he was an idiot for ever entertaining the idea that Patrick really felt for him the way he felt for Patrick. After all, he got everything else wrong.
DDDD: Joe!! Joe! Everything’s truly falling out now. All the insecurities and such Joe’s had seem to be coming true and there’s nothing he can do to fight it.
Well, pretty much.
That he could disappear into some parallel universe, where it was just him, alone, with nothingness…The fact was, this was truly the lowest Joe had ever felt, and he didn’t know how to make it better…
Jesus. Can we talk about how these lines resonate on a universal level? Joe…
Thanks, dude. Poor kid is in utter despair.
When Patrick called him Bambi I had to get up and leave my laptop to calm down, like??? This is HORRIBLE AND IM TEARING UP?? Both of them are so hurt and everything is broken and jesus CHRIST.
I design my fics to be read in small burst of “FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”
As I have said before, the word Bambi is always deployed for MAXIMUM FEELS.
When Doves Cry: I hate you and your use of music that works so perfectly in situations.
I’ve been planning that particular Mother of All Feels Bombs for ages. 
I mean, it’s Prince and the lyrics...
How can you just leave me standing? Alone in a world that's so cold? (So cold) Maybe I'm just too demanding Maybe I'm just like my father too bold Maybe you're just like my mother She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied) Why do we scream at each other This is what it sounds like When doves cry
Touch if you will my stomach Feel how it trembles inside You've got the butterflies all tied up Don't make me chase you Even doves have pride
Patrick and Pete’s conversations, i adore them. Any insight into Pete’s character and their relationship is helpful in seeing situations from a separate perspective than Joe’s. Pete’s trying to explain himself and also take responsibility for trying to help the two move on, and only making things worse. I love Joe’s indignation at Pete’s advice, then realization that Pete is right about what’s happening right now.
I will eventually write some Moving Pictures ficlets about Patrick and Pete’s relationship, but I just don’t enjoy writing it and I don’t want to reveal or deny anything in those that might influence or spoil future scenes.
Patrick’s gold pendant glinted in the light, swinging from the door handle.
I’m??????? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ROSIE I’M LITERALLY SO HURT RIGHT NOW IMmmmmm dead inside goodbye
You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for that pendant to be given back, dude. NO IDEA.
he hadn’t stopped loving him and it felt like his belly had been cut and his insides had fallen out. It was the same kind of wound - horrifying and terminal.
Can I just say how much I love the conflict in Joe’s thoughts throughout the story? How he voices or wants one thing but really means another, it really shows how young he is (and everyone is young in this story) and how lost or conflicted in what he really wants. He’s trying to navigate himself and pick himself up, but at the same time, he feels like nothing will work and wants to give up. It’s just–young and heartbroken and feeling depressed in life? So many things are wrong. He was right in that he couldn’t do this balancing act and things fell apart so quick.
Thanks, dude, and I think I talked about this before, but Joe just wasn’t well prepared for The Real World or being an adult, or adult relationships, or any of it. His loving and well meaning parents didn’t really furnish him with a lot of practical life skills, but they did show him that a loving relationship is loving and playful and laidback, seemingly all the time, so when his wasn’t... Well, he thought it was a catastrophe.
If only he’d been better, if he hadn’t broken things off, if he’d done the right thing all that time ago and refused to bow to the pressure to date him to begin with, then maybe he wouldn’t feel like this. Joe’s thoughts sound like they’re flying through his head, like he’s been obsessing over them all this time, like how he’s been remembering the good memories and torturing himself with them. It’s an awful, relatable feeling.
Well, exactly. It’s certainly symptomatic of both depressive and obsessive compulsive issues.
Oh, my god, the scene with Joe and his mom is so much. On one hand, I’m glad that Joe goes back and bawls to his mom because he’s finally letting everything out and going to someone he trusts and loves for comfort, especially since one of the main things that’s been weighing on his mind is what his mom would think of Patrick and Joe breaking up, after all they’ve been through. He feels like a failure, and it’s hitting so hard.
okay first off: I literally want to start crying because Joe is crying and telling everything to his mom and it HURTS but it’s hopefully cathartic and it’s GOOD that he’s talking to someone about it outside the situation. God, I keep having to walk away from this because it hurts so bad and hits close to home, that feeling of falling apart. The mention of his mom telling him to take a shower just…hits home a lot. Showers after crying your eyes out makes things a lot better.
In the first version of this chapter, I actually wrote a full scene about Patrick trying to talk to Patrick the next day and Joe just not wanting anything to do with him. The reference to orange tiles and crying into his t-shirt was actually shown in ‘real time’ and it was really fucking sad, but it would have just been a chapter of them consciously Not Talking and it would have been dull as fuck.
I also think that as youngsters in particular, feeling like you’re not allowed to cry as a dude keeps you in a state like a pot about to blow its lid. Half the time, even when he’s weeping, he’s telling himself he’s not crying and no unleashing those really big, carthartic, can’t-breathe sobs.
You’re right about the shower thing, but it was mostly that he hadn’t showered in days and he smelled.
“You sound like Andy…”
“Good. That means there’s someone looking out for you when I can’t.”
I literally put my hands to my chest over my heart and went “OHH” in PAIN because that’s such a MOM THING TO SAY AND IM SO HURT and glad that Andy’s been there most of the time for Joe to lean on. #Andyhurleyisunderappreciated2017
Andy is underappreciated and we’ll see more of him again in future chapters. He is also Joe’s Other Mom.
God, Joe’s family is so good. “Well, I feel like a pretty useless heart doctor if I can’t mend yours. Why’d you go and get it broken? I could have just given you a stent if you’d needed that!” I love his dad so much.
Richard Trohman: Pro Dad-Joker. Even in times of misery, he will still pun your ass. It’s a defence mechanism.
OH god, that was an emotion filled ending. The news that they’re getting signed, Joe being adamant that he’s quitting and Pete being adamant that Joe’s being stupid and running away from his problems. Pete’s always acted as a good reality check throughout the story, though brash and blunt and sometimes asshole-ish. Pete has some great points about what’s happened, and it definitely shows that Patrick’s been confiding in him on what’s been happening off-screen.
We’re just a few months from TTTYG being released now. We’ve reached two years in fic time. The band has got to move forward.
Pete’s very astute and he knows how to press people’s buttons and what will cut them down to size in an instant, and he’s not afraid to use it. But if you did the same back to him, he’d take it like a little whiny brat.
For a moment, Pete stared at him like he wanted to break his nose. “No, obviously I don’t, 'cause like, I don’t know how it feels to see the person you love hooking up with someone else, right? When the fuck would I ever get any experience of that? God. You’re such a self-absorbed little shit.”
Joe felt the words like a punch in the stomach. I fucking called it…
Jesus CHRIST, that’s a wham statement. Even so, it’s still ambiguous as hell to me, because Pete could be referring to Patrick or his past relationships with Jeanae/Morgan, or both, or neither. It’s obvious to see which way Joe interprets it. 
Well caught, on that. Joe has no idea who or what Pete’s talking about, but he does totally assume the worst, because Joe always assumes the worst.
Plus Pete’s line of do it for Andy makes me curious and happy that Andy isn’t being forgotten in all of this. He’s as committed to the band as the rest of them, and despite his lack of presence in the apartment, he’s just as involved in everything as everyone else.
There’s a few lines explaining what it means in the next chapter, but if I remember correctly, Andy’s mum had been seriously ill during his Kill Pill days - see Andy’s Song for reference - and out of all the band, he’s from the poorest background.
Besides, Andy is Joe’s hero, if he’s going to do it for anyone...
In conclusion: The happiness from (what I would consider) the first half of the story seems absolutely gone. This is definitely a fall from grace for the guys. Joe’s at his lowest moment, in a depressed state, rarely eating, interacting, attending classes. Patrick and Joe seem almost unsalvageable. It’s absolutely awful, and from Joe’s view, everything’s been one failure after another when trying to be independent and an adult. God, I wanted to bawl so many times reading this, all his thoughts were so close to home and how he breaks down when he sees his mom was so heartbreaking.
*whispers* Go for it, no one’s looking. Joe is testament to what happens when you bottle things up.
But in short, yeah. Some serious shit has gone down and it would be reasonable to think that it has left them both feeling really shitty and in a place where they can’t easily communicate or forgive each other, anymore.
Pete’s scenes were so good, I love seeing his character and the difference in how he treats Patrick and Joe, and how coarse he comes off but still golden at heart (though it’s hard to see), and trying to look out for his friends. You can tell he’s trying to focus on the band and it taking off since it’s been what he and Andy, all of them have invested in, and his frustration comes out because of the break up between Joe and Patrick, which he warned them about (and sort of brought about, and made worse) taking a toll on the band.  
I’m really glad you think so, because TWNW!Pete isn’t always the most likeable person (but IMO, neither is IRL!Pete and I think that’s even part of his appeal to some people) and I know it can come off quite harsh.
I mean, as I’ve mentioned in the past, I have a good friend who grew up with Pete in his teens and twenties, and one way of putting it is that Pete’s very driven. He had this idea of what he wanted to do with his life and he made it happen. He always said he was going to do X Thing and he damn well found a way to make it happen. So, realistically, he was never going to sit by and let this stuff happen by itself. At this stage, he knows that a pop-punk band is way more marketable than the music he wanted to make at that age so that’s what he’s running with.
I’m hurt and so many things have happened that hurt me and I’m happy that Joe has a family structure that allows him to go home for comfort, but at the same time, he’s spiralling hard and running away and giving up on life, and those distressing borderline suicidal statements make me worry like Mom Trohman. Everything is burning but things are starting to look up, band wise. Hopefully Joe can rise to the occasion.
(It won’t let me quote the next bits individually, so it’s bullet points, ‘m afraid!)
Honestly, I think a different kid from a different family might actually have pursued those thoughts, but TWNW!Joe’s kind of not made quite that way. In reality, he’d rather suffer through it so he has something to be a martyr about.
The fact he has such amazing parents is really important, though. If the little idiot had gone to them sooner, it’s fairly likely that none of this would have happened.
Songs that remind me of this chapter (aka me being weird and analyzing stuff):
YOU ARE REVERSE SONG-FICCING MY FIC AND IT’S AMAZING!
Parachute
by Ingrid Michaelson, which was on repeat while I read this whole chapter. It feels like a song that describes, to me, how Joe and Patrick tried to make their relationship work after graduation because people thought it wouldn’t work out (Patrick’s mom, Pete, etc) because they believed they could do it and they love(d?) each other.
They wanna see us fall, they wanna see us fall down
Then the song goes on to describe how the singer has full faith in their lover to catch them and protect them if things fall. Still, the songs rings like an ironic echo to me. It feels like a Joe song, sort of, how Joe built Patrick on a pedestal, and how he has a lot of dependence on Patrick that sometimes turns into neglect when Joe pushes Patrick away and forgets to consider Patrick’s feelings in the matter. 
Aw, those poor silly, sweet boys. I think that’s really true and it actually goes both ways - Patrick does really and truly adore him throughout the preceding chapters and towards the end it’s definitely kind of the opposite of Joe’s ‘jumping before I’m pushed’ thing - he’s jumping in the hope that Joe will be shocked enough to come after him, realising what he’s losing, but he’s also a little bit mad and being slightly passive aggressive. Taking the “it’s too late” thing too far.
The line
I don’t believe anything, don’t trust anyone but me
remind me of Joe’s distrust of Pete and his intentions and what he has to say about Patrick.
Oh yeah, absolutely.
Don’t believe the things you tell yourself so late at night/And, you are your own worst enemy, you’ll never win the fight
- Joe’s doubts and insecurities that plague him, and how he ends up being the one that causes the misery and instigates the break up because he got into his head about it. Everything was overwhelming, he couldn’t win.
This is lovely and very accurate.
The fall out and everything that comes after, and when Joe is spiralling, and the song feels like lovesick, sad, secretive promise to oneself.
I won’t fall out of love, I fall into you
- Joe trying to move on and yet still love Patrick and how that tears him apart inside. The part of this chapter that reminded me of this the most was how he felt like Patrick giving back the gold pendant was like waving the white flag.
And I think that’s really the theme at the moment. He really is suffering, like you said in your message and it’s not helping either of them.
They either need to sort themselves out or move on, and unless they can both agree on what that means, they’re never going to be happy. So, that’s the problem to solve goibg forward, where now?
As always, thank you so much for caring about this fic the way you do, it invariably blows my mind. xoxo
4 notes · View notes
catravandece · 3 years
Text
🐇 Check-in tag 🐇
Doing this because @joshua-beeking put it out to the universe and I am ~a whore for being known~
1. Why did you choose your url?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rmBqIFeHN8 i was living in montreal at the time so this was extra funny
2. Any side-blogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them.
@pommelfrog is my mxtx sideblog which i started bc i just absolutely couldn’t get over that fucking hilarious dream @deretbeshelar posted abt and had to claim the url
it’s ironic tho bc i actually don’t care so much for frogs? they feel like squishy fragile little water balloons so i always hesitate when handling them but then they leap with the force of a coursing river and scare me :(
3. How long have you been on tumblr?
i started my first blog is 2011 and boy howdy im kinda glad i accidentally deleted it in 2018 bc i went through some Phases i’d very much like to be stricken from all records. im sad abt my merlin tag tho
4. Do you have a queue tag?
lmao i dont have enough followers to care about posting schedules o(* ̄▽ ̄*)o
5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?
internet addiction probably (to be fair i dont have the money to socialize outside)
6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?
im a slut for making myself on picrew and its pride so i switched to one with a rainbow :3
7. Why did you choose your header?
because the absolute last thing i was expecting from the 1000 Stars finale was for Chief Phupha Viriyanon to be just as clingy and shameless as Tian but it happened and i never recovered
the header photo i always have a hard time choosing bc i want everything to match so i have my sweet noodle ningning bc black matches everything uwu
8. What’s your post with the most notes?
good lord i have like zero real followers but the one time i actually factually shitposted in the modao tag it took off. everyone else apparently also thinks dad!zixuan would have been the most powerful character of mdzs so mxtx had to fridge him
honestly i was just trying to express my desire for a non-time travel related fix it fic 〒▽〒
9. How many mutuals do you have?
8
10. How many followers do you have?
56
11. How many people do you follow?
108? idk how many are dead accounts
12. Have you ever made a shitpost?
my life is a shitpost and i am the meme
13. How often do you use tumblr each day?
pretty often
14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?
i made the mistake of trying to engage with an aphobe over yuri on ice once and she made me cry.
i then gave my best friend a heart attack bc i called them and didnt explain right away what happened i just said “i did something dumb”. sorry manda /_ \
15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?
Guilt-tripping and forcing anyone to do anything is the best way to turn people off a post. I don't approve the method. (Joshua said it best)
16. Do you like tag games?
yes i like tag games. would love to be tagged in them
17. Do you like ask games?
^^^^^^^^^^^^
18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?
i know for a fact @wifihunters is yall should go check out bestie’s stuff owo its fucking beautiful owo
and HEY FUN STORY. so i was rly into barduil back in 2013-14 and read a bunch of fics by @piyo-13 (hi iza yes u r getting dragged into this <3) then 3 years later and 500 miles away from home guess who i find out is the fiancee of my friend from grad school????? it was the funniest fucking thing i swear to god!!! we decided “i trust u enough to give u my fandom presence” and i was like “hey that username sounds familiar” and SURE ENOUGH asjhsdjkd
the world is a very small place lmao
19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?
nah im way too small for ppl to interact with much and i need that for feelings. i did get a friend crush on someone once before but we weren’t mutuals just both in the same microfandom.
20. Tags?
anyone who ive already tagged above lmao. if u see this and get the urge to be Known pls do it and tag me!!!! i would love to read about u!!!
5 notes · View notes