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broadstflyers · 3 years

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A/N: Alright, here it is! Chapter two. Thanks for the support on the first chapter! As always, you can add yourself to the tag list for this series or give constructive feedback here. This chapter is still in the past tense. This one is a longer chapter, sorry! Although I have a feeling most chapters will be this long. If you like this series and want to read more, give it a like or reblog or pop into my asks, it encourages me to continue. any feedback is appreciated :)

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: None

Summary: They say at fourteen you’re too young to know you’re in love. But what if you aren’t?

Navigation: chapter one

October

Grade: 9

Age: 14

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Ever since that class, you and Joel became inseparable whenever you were within talking distance. You just seemed to gravitate towards him, and he seemed to do just the same. When you needed a pep-talk before a big test, he was there. Whenever you needed a laugh, he was there. He seemed to just always be there. He even noticed when your hands started to slightly shake before a quiz or test. How would he respond? He’d do what any nice, respectful, and caring teenage boy would do: goof off. The way he did so was completely up to how rambunctious he was feeling that day.

Would he throw crumpled up paper at his friends and just smile as the teacher yelled at him?

Or try and balance the close by meter-stick on his head (that was soon taken away after)?

Or would he possibly take a different turn and re-explain a topic you were still shaky on?

He was just unpredictable in that sense.

Now how were you feeling about this newly kind Joel?

“Your face is the reddest I think I’ve ever seen it,” Luna teased while you both walked out of the classroom after the bell rang, “and if I held up my bright red backpack to it, I don’t know which one would be redder.” She was on a roll that day.

You scratched your eyebrow in a lame attempt to hide your glowing cheeks. See, on that day, Joel decided to calm your nerves by drawing a star on your hand. Yes, your hand. It went sort of like this:

Your right hand was resting on the table so the back of your hand was facing Joel, who was also on your right. He was messing around with an orange marker, threatening to draw it on his friend just a table over.

“Draw one on y/n,” the friend slyly suggested with a devilish smirk. Joel’s eyes widened to the size of hockey pucks and he whipped his head around to look at you. He glanced down at the marker and then regained his cool facial expression.

Meanwhile your blood ran cold and your head started to pound uncontrollably. You glance at Luna and she nods vigorously. You ball your hand into a fist and shakily stick it out, the adrenaline causing your hearing to slightly go. He offers a light smile, and you swear you can see him slightly exhale from relief. He positions the marker in his hand to get a good grip on it, because if he was going to draw on your hand, it had to be perfect.

He rested his hand under yours to hold it steady. Yes, his hand. He cleanly knocked the breath out of your lungs. You could feel the warmth radiate from his hand. He carefully and neatly (well as neat as a fourteen year old boy can) draws an orange star on the center of your balled up fist.

When his hand finally let go of yours, the touch felt too brief but also like forever.

You literally wanted to jump out of your skin. A mix of different colors felt as though they were swirling around your head in an intense blur. You wanted to throw up color and those sickeningly sweet feelings.

At this point, unlike the first time you guys were civil to each other, you surpassed the point of being screwed.

No. As soon as he touched your hand, you knew one thing for certain: you were in love with Joel Farabee.

“Now that’s one perfect good luck charm,” he says with a smirk.

Man, you just wanted to kiss that stupid smirk. That stupid yet adorable smirk….

And that’s how you ended up almost falling over in the hallway with Luna. In the hallway, she takes your hand and looks at the perfectly messy star.

“You’ve got that boy head over heels for you,” she sassed and laughed.

You playfully shoved her, but your heart skipped a beat.

You couldn’t help but wonder, did you really?

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“LOVE?” Luna practically yelled in your room. Your parents let you guys hang out after school that very same day because it was yet another Friday. Which is how you ended up with Luna screaming at you on your bedroom floor.

“SHHHHH,” you aggressively said as you tried to calm her down. You pointed downstairs to your parents. You had told them earlier that Luna drew the star on, not Joel. They didn’t even know Joel existed.

“Sorry,” she whispered, “but LOVE? You’re in love with him? Are you sure? Aren’t we too young for that? At least, that’s what my mom says.”

You sigh deeply. “Look, I know, Luna. But there’s just something so different about him. Something I can’t explain.”

“Okay, but you also haven’t liked more than two people,” Luna counters, “and we’re fourteen.”

“But have you looked into someone’s eyes before and felt safe? Have you wanted to cling onto them and never let go? You’ve got to listen to me, these feelings are so intense that I want to throw them up in a glittery mess. He runs in circles around my mind 24/7. I wonder how his hugs feel, I wonder how I would act if I met his parents.” You pause for a moment and stare her in the eyes.

“I barely understand how I feel, myself,” you whisper. “I am so screwed, Luna, but I don’t care.”

Her face relaxes and she slowly nods her head. She breaks out into a smile.

“I hear you,” she calmly states as she takes one of your hands. “I will be here with you while we figure this out, okay?”

“Okay,” you nod in a soft whisper tone.

Maybe it was the cumulation of him constantly caring for you in his own way. Maybe it was the way he never made dumb jokes at the expense of your feelings. Maybe it was the way talking to him came so easily and naturally to you, like you’ve known him for lifetimes. Or maybe it was just the fact that you were young, like Luna said.

But you knew deep down you couldn’t wholeheartedly buy into that logic.

Because in the end, you knew you were right.

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You turned fifteen on November 25, so you’re always exactly three months older than Joel, which he definitely did not appreciate. He found out when the teacher wished you a premature Happy Birthday the day before Thanksgiving Break.

“I cannot believe you,” he said in a mockingly defensive manner.

“Joel, I can’t exactly control when I was born you know,” you jokingly shot back. The playful banter was your favorite part of the day. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t look forward to it now.

“Well, how am I supposed to wish you a happy birthday when we won’t be in class?” He dramatically pouted.

I could give you my number, you thought. You’d never actually say that, though.

Suddenly, he turned and snatched a random piece of paper from one of his friends, and judging by the sharp “Hey!” that came out of the friend’s mouth, it probably was of some sort of importance. He grabbed your pencil and borderline slammed them down in front of you.

“Here, write down your number and all of our problems will be solved.”

Did he just? Did what you think just...happen? Fourteen year old you was absolutely dumbfounded.

“Sure,” you said as nonchalantly as possible, when in reality you were about to black out.

You scribbled down your number and handed it to him.

He opened his mouth to say something, but the bell rang, and you both scrambled for your things in the midst of chaos.

“I will be looking forward to that birthday wish,” you called out as he headed for the door. At first, you didn’t think he heard you, but at the last moment, he turned around and winked before stepping out the door.

You would have melted onto the floor if it wasn’t for Luna squealing in your ear like it was a holiday morning.

November 25 couldn’t come soon enough. Yes, you were excited to turn fifteen, but now you had another reason.

The question was, was that a good thing?

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November 25

Age: 15

Grade: 9

You woke up on your birthday morning with adrenaline coursing through your veins. After a fun Thanksgiving with family the day before, you were excited to finally celebrate your birthday with just your mom and dad, like you always did.

You’d be lying if you said the first thing you checked was not your phone. But, It was the first thing you reached for on your nightstand. Not your glasses, like normal.

You quickly scrolled through your notifications looking for an unknown number. There’s a text from your aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, cousins. Your heart sank when you reached the end. Nothing from him.

You placed your phone down and shook your head to clear out the negative energy that engulfed your body.

It was your birthday, you weren’t going to let anyone ruin this day for you. Even him.

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It was after dinner, which was your absolute favorite meal. You had gone to the mall with your mom and dad for some birthday shopping, a tradition you were very grateful for.

On the way home, you were happily thinking about the new outfits you were gifted, until your phone buzzed. Your heart quickened.

Luna!!: did he text you yet?

You exhaled sharply.

You: no, he hasnt :(

Thanks for the reminder, Luna.

Luna!!: bummer. i’m sure he will soon.

Luna!!: he’d be an idiot not to, don’t worry, love!

You mindlessly stared out the window of the back seat, hoping the blur of the trees would take your mind off of him.

You could sense your dad glancing at you using the rearview mirror.

You turned to look at him. “What?”

“Everything okay?” He asked.

You plaster a huge smile on your face and say yes, of course, because your parents have done so much for you that day that you should have been fluttering from happiness. You mean, you were happy. You couldn’t have been more thankful. Your heart just yearned for him to fulfill his promise.

Because you didn’t know what school was going to be like if he didn’t, and you weren’t ready to face that reality.

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That night, you brushed your teeth and got ready for bed. Your heart felt heavier each time you checked your phone and “No Older Notifications” was displayed instead of seeing the one you longed for. You glanced at your clock on your nightstand. The bright red numbers glared at you. It was close to 11:00.

You sighed and spun your phone around in your hands as you thought. Call it delusion, but you refused to put your phone down. You knew he was going to follow through.

Did you know why you knew? Not a clue.

Without warning, your phone vibrated in your hands. You couldn’t have flipped it upright faster if you tried.

Maybe: Joel

Maybe WHO?

Maybe: Joel: Happy birthday math partner 🥳

Maybe: Joel: This is Joel by the way, that’s probably important to add

Maybe: Joel: Although you do only have one amazing math partner

You really thought you died there for a second. They were, like, a handful of words (excluding the Joel part) but they were enough to make you hug your pillow from overload.

You spastically texted Luna.

You: JESFEUN You: HE IFHUHF You: HE TEXTED ME LUNA

She must have been waiting for this text all day, just like you. She responded right away.

Luna!!: YAYAYA WHAT DID HE SAY?

You: Happy birthday math partner with the 🥳 emoji and he forgot to say his name until the second text lmaooo

Luna!!: aww thats so cute! he sounds like he has an empty head but you go hon!!

Luna!!: now text him back idiot before you forget or he goes to bed

You: yep one sec

Your thumbs circled aimlessly around the keyboard. You wanted to say so many things. You settled on this:

You: thanks, math partner :)

You hit send on that, hesitated for a moment, then typed:

You: and yes you’re a pretty great one

You took a deep breath and pressed send. You changed his contact to “Math Partner”

You wanted to throw up, but in a good way? You sighed into your pillow. Almost as quick as you sent it, you felt another buzz.

Your hand shot out to grab your phone.

Math Partner: Hey, anytime you need a star, I’m here

You glanced down at your hand, where the orange star was just a few short days ago. It was gone. You wished it didn’t fade.

You: the orange one has already faded :(

Math Partner: Well, to make up for the late birthday wish, I can give you another one once we go back to school since we have another big test

You nodded vigorously, as if he could see that through the screen.

You: maybe in red this time? it’s my favorite color

Math Partner: Whatever you want, birthday girl

What a simp, you thought. Also, you were surprised you still had a pulse at that point. Birthday girl?

Math Partner: I have to go now, I have hockey super early tomorrow. Goodnight 😁

“Hockey?” you whispered to yourself.

You: yay, thanks :) and goodnight!!

He plays hockey? you thought. Shouldn’t you have known that?

You frantically Facetimed Luna and whisper-yelled every word you two exchanged. Luna beamed with so much happiness that you could have sworn she was getting the guy.

“This is literally the best thing EVER,” she quietly exclaimed.

You just laughed a giddy yet nervous laugh. You still had no clue what was happening, but you were ready to embrace it.

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January 25

Age: 15

Grade: 9

When the teacher switched around the seating charts during the year, she mostly kept you and Joel within talking distance each time. If that thing about teachers sensing when kids like each other was thought to be true, she definitely proved it to be so.

Thankfully, she kept this trend going when she switched the seats around on Joel’s birthday. She moved you guys back next to each other for the next quarter. Before, she briefly separated you guys for about two weeks (when Joel wouldn’t stop yelling to his other friend who was near him). During that time apart, you both were noticeably droopier and mopier than normal. He still joked with his friends, but you only heard his loud laugh a handful of times instead of….too many.

As for you, some kid you’ve never even talked to asked you if you were okay. The answer was of course no, but you couldn’t say that.

So when the brown haired boy sat down next to you for the first time in two weeks, it felt like the day he drew the star on your hand all over again. You wanted to reach out and hug him so he’d never leave you, much less say something, anything, but you just couldn’t still. Thankfully, he did the talking for you.

“Miss me?” he joked with his trademark smile.

“Very much so,” you said with a balance of sarcasm and lightheartedness. “Happy birthday, by the way.” You lightly shoved him, not entirely knowing where the guts to do that came from.

“Thank you, thank you. Did you get me anything?” he teased. He lightly shoved you back.

Your heart beated frantically. Your impulsivity urged you to do something you never would have a few months ago.

“Actually…” you paused for a moment. He raised his eyebrows. You reached for an orange marker and uncapped it with a pop.

“May I?”

He could hardly believe it.

“Do what?”

You playfully rolled your eyes. “Draw a star, dummy.”

“Ohhhhh,” he said as he connected the dots. He stuck out his clenched fist as he fought back a huge grin.

You couldn’t believe you were actually doing that.

You tucked your hand under his to keep it steady, just like he did with your hand a few months back. You took your time making sure each corner was connected precisely. You also didn’t want to let go of his hand, like, ever.

You finished way too soon for both your likings. You pulled away and closed the cap.

“Happy birthday, Math Partner.”

“Thanks,” he said. He had his eyes glued on the star you just drew. He didn’t even try to fight the grin that was creeping on his face.

Now you were the cause of his smile. Warmth flowed through your body. You just wanted to keep him that happy forever.

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That night, Luna called you on Facetime because apparently talking about those events in the hallway afterschool wasn’t enough.

“What’s up?” you calmly asked, as if you didn’t know why she was calling.

“What’s up? What do you mean what’s up? I mean, first you lightly shoved him. Yes, I saw that. But then you draw a star on him? I don’t know where this confident you came from, but I am living for it. I am so proud of you,” she sincerely said through a smile.

“Aw thank you, I appreciate it. Yeah, I don’t know either, honestly. He just brings out this good side of me now.”

“I can see that, and I love it. So...” She dragged out the “so,” and that was never a good sign.

“So?” you asked.

“What are you going to do about it?”

“About what?” You played dumb as best you could.

She didn’t buy it. “Oh come on, y/n. You know you love him, why don’t you tell him?”

You shuttered at that idea. By doing that, you risked losing what you’ve created so far. You were texting him roughly once or twice a week at that point about random stuff and talking to him in class every chance you got. Losing that was just something you were not prepared to face. And you told Luna that.

She (mostly) understood.

“I respect that,” she said. “But if you guys don’t hang out in the summer and keep this going, I will kill him.”

You snorted. “Me too, honestly.”

Could you guys keep this going for that long?

Only time would tell, you told yourself.

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April

Grade: 9

Age: 15

Every time you saw Joel, you came home with a pep in your step. It was like clockwork. You would bounce into the house with a grandiose “Hello Mother” and hum a song stuck in your head. Today it was “Love Story” by Taylor Swift.

“How was your day?” your mom asked with a hint of suspicion. After months of letting your intriguing happiness spell go, it was too obvious for her to ignore.

“Good,” you said. You didn’t really want to tell her much about Joel because you knew she wouldn’t believe you if you told her how you really felt about him. Those strong feelings didn’t waiver once over the last few months. Okay, maybe once on the day that he accidentally spilled water on your homework. But you couldn’t stay mad at him after he willingly placed his own homework in the same water.

“You’re very happy today. Anything happen in particular?” She prodded.

“Nope,” you pop the letter “p”.

“Who’s the boy?”

You froze. “Boy?”

“There has to be, you haven’t been this happy to go to school pretty much ever.”

You sighed. It was your mom after all. Maybe she would believe you if you told her.

“His name’s Joel, he’s in my Algebra class,” you mumbled.

“Is he nice? Is he smart? Does he play hockey?” The questions flew from left and right.

“Yes, he’s nice. He’s really sweet to me. He is way better at math than me. Yes he does,” you rattled off the answers to her bombardment.

“Excellent,” she smiled. “You like this boy?”

“Yeah, I really do. A lot actually.”

She raised an eyebrow. “A lot?”

“Yeah, honestly, I might love him.”

That confession froze the kitchen over. She paused.

“Honey, you’re too young to know that,” she tried to reason.

Your chest stung. “What if I’m not?” You questioned.

“You’re fifteen.”

“I know Mom, I know.” She opened her mouth to talk, but you said, “I have to go start homework.” You charged up the stairs and crashed on your bed.

So what if you were fifteen? You didn’t care how old you were. Call it being naive, but you were sure you knew everything when you were young.

You just had to wait for timing to fall into place to prove everyone wrong.

tagging: @teamcanadasimp :)

#joel farabee #joel farabee x reader #joel farabee imagine #joel farabee fic #okay i caved and posted it because i miss them all very much #read chapter one if you haven't already!

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vtforpedro · 3 years

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medical update and stuff. trigger warnings in tags I’m extremely frustrated. it’s been 15 months of frustration lol so so so sick of doctors, so sick of living through this. I am tired and getting no relief you might remember, but I was given a ‘possible’ IIH diagnosis in October. we’ve been treating it like it is IIH, which means everything has always been real etc etc and the treatment is weight loss. started my ‘better eating habits’ on nov 1st. then I immediately had the thing with my chemo pill packing on a ton of excess fluid, worsening my head to the point of ER and calling my neurosurgeon, getting taken off my chemo pill, and it wasn’t until mid-december that I actually started to see any fucking weight loss cause of that my pcp told me 5lbs a month. so I’ve been right on track with that despite wishing I could lose 10 a month but that’d be starving myself so lol I’ve lost 15lbs but now something exciting is happening again!! I am retaining fluid and I have NO idea why. which means my head is now as bad as it was last summer when everything was at its worse. constant all day long, pills barely doing anything for me, vision issues, pain issues. it feels like something broke in the base of my skull/neck because I get the scariest sensations there. it’s horrible. no human being should have to live this way and I do it every single day, numerous times a day anyway I had to go to the ER last thursday A G A I N because a doctor sent me. my pupils were noticeably two different sizes. I’d noticed three days beforehand and convinced myself I was imagining it cause it wasn’t a huge difference. finally took a picture and no, def not the same size and my eye looked like it was going inward? anyway, called my pcp, they had me come in that day, he saw it from a foot and a half away, sat back, and said I need you to go to the ER, you need your brain looked at. so again, I’ve been seeing this for three days while my head has been 10/10 extreme due to pressure in it. I get there and have to wait a while but less than two hours later when they finally looked at me? gone. pupils back to normal. doctor talking down to me like I was just an anxious mess and not that another dr sent me cause he saw what I did lol and his notes were in my chart. so, wasted visit and they put a covid patient 15ft from me and intubated them, so get to remember what that sounds like forever and ever (covid patients are supposed to be separated from other ER patients). now I’m doing a 10 day quarantine while I am so severely disabled I cannot bend over to take care of my cats food/litter/etc and it’s why my mom half lives with me but she can’t right now :) getting a covid test in three hours and it’s been eight days with nothing but head issues + fluid retention so hoping it’s negative the fluid retention I had before was a side effect of my chemo pill. I don’t know why this is happening. I should be 17lbs down now and I’ve actually gained weight despite being on the same diet that lost me the 15. I’m back to 13lbs down. this makes me feel like I might be carrying 4lbs of water weight. let me break this down because yesterday a PA told me my symptoms were too ‘ambiguous’ to say if fluid retention is happening or not - fluid retention from the chemo pill was ALL felt in my stomach. it was distended and bloated like I’d eaten at a buffet every single day - head got massively worse, enough to go to the er, doc and I agreed the fluid retention causing me to fluctuate between 15lbs was making the IIH worse - not urinating often despite drinking a normal amount - got on a diuretic, seven days later the weight was gone, head was better, started losing weight this is what I’m experiencing now - fluid retention that is causing my stomach to feel very bloated and look/feel distended - head has gotten massively worse, enough to send me to the ER - should be losing weight, have actually gained weight on a low fat, low calorie diet - the only difference this time is that I am dehydrating myself (yes I know, bad, but it is literally saving my life) because I experimented one day with half my water intake and my head was miles better. still experiencing a terrible head episode once or twice a day but it’s not 10/10 constantly - and the second difference is despite not drinking enough water, I am actually urinating more often and it’s a lot more clear than it should be, the color I expect when I’m hydrating well I consider this ^^^^^ to be a good case of why I think I have fluid retention but being told my symptoms were ‘ambiguous’ and throwing me to my neurosurgeon instead is HNNNNG (esp because diuretics are known to help IIH symptoms FOR THIS EXACT REASON) I have VERY recently had my sugars checked a few times, glucose is normal. VERY recently had an abdominal CT, also normal. it’s not diabetes, it’s not something happening in my abdomen. they hear abdomen vs legs swelling and think it’s GI because doctors never fucking listen and actively put their patients in danger but o h w e l l, I guess anyway as it’s been for 15 months, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I go this way and experience agony, I go that way and experience agony I need extra hydration for weight loss, leukemia, being obese. I need less hydration because it worsens IIH to the point of 10/10 I want to die (which makes me heavily and actively suicidal. doctors see I take anti-depressants and assume idk I’m being dramatic but no, it’s really this fucking bad. I would rather die that moment than keep feeling what’s happening in my head) there’s like no middle ground and my body and these doctors are making it impossible to figure this shit out. my mom had to come over at 1:45 AM last night (hasn’t had to rush here since april 2020 cause that’s just how bad it is) because I lost my balance twice and was lucky I had something to catch onto or I would’ve been on the ground (neuro symptoms which could be IIH, could be chiari, could be stroke) and my speech got SUPER bad almost immediately. scared the hell out of me, I have never in my life lost balance that badly before things are going downhill and I would’ve thought losing weight they’d start improving but when has my body ever made this easy lol meeting a new neurologist on monday who works in the same building with my neurosurgeon. I’ve been avoiding them cause every single one of them told me I was just anxious despite specific physical movements causing an episode lmao but hopefully this guy is better and he has access to all of my neurosurgeon’s notes and stuff. I can’t keep dehydrating myself but at the same time I can’t let my head get so bad I make a farewell note for my mom, you know? it’s just been really bad and I don’t know how to get people to listen to me. I have a 99% diagnosis and they still don’t take me as seriously as they should. this has ruined my quality of life and they would have you believe that doctors take that seriously but they do not neurosurgeon wants me to see an ophthalmologist again cause of my vision issues and to check for specific things that relate to IIH. he wants another MRI done in early may cause it’s been a year since my last one by then (actually a month later, my last one was in april, but I’m curious if the neurologist will order one sooner) to check to see if anything has worsened so yeah living in absolute hell again and don’t know if I can just get a simple one week diuretic to get this fluid out of my body. what the FUCK else can it be when I’ve experienced this exact thing twice!! before. it happened to a much, much lesser degree the first time I got on the chemo pill. but the same shit :) hanging on by the thinnest thread guys and 15 months of feeling like I’m going to die almost every single day through that has destroyed my psyche. destroyed me as a person. I don’t know what to do anymore sorry this is all a lot of Bad™ but it’s been a lot of bad for 15 months. if I can keep going, I hope one day to be able to give an update of improvement love you all

#medical #medical trauma #tw suicidal thoughts #personal #long post

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rydiin · 5 years

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'Why Meadow Died: The People and Policies that Created the Prkland Sh**ter and Endanger America's Students' By Andrew Pollack & Max Eden

(This info is in addition to a previous post that emphasizes a specific chapter from the book).

Information about NC:

One female student was so afraid of him that she often wanted to stay home.

- One day a rumour spread like wildfire: Cr*z had killed his cat. This student worked up the nerve to ask him, "What happened to your cat?". He replied, "I took it in the backyard. I have a lake. I put it in its cage and I drowned it.” "What do you mean?" "I killed my cat."

- NC showed them a series of pictures on his phone. His cat. His cat in the cage. The cage going into the water. The cage coming out of the water. The cat, wet and dead. This student was horrified. NC was transfixed, both by the pictures and by her horror.

As seen in his educational record, he was diagnosed at age 3 with developmental delays and later with a speech impairment, a language-processing deficiency, and attention deficit disorder.

After February of 2013, he was suspended for nearly half of the next calendar year.

"I never had him as a student. But everyone knew who he was because he wreaked havoc." -Teacher at Westglades

In September 2013 he banged on a classroom door so violently that the glass shattered, striking students inside. This was characterized as vandalism but never formally recorded on his disciplinary record.

On October 21st, his teacher (Carrie Yon) emailed assistant principle Atonio Lindsay, "I wanted to let you know about Nick's behavior today. He seems to be getting worse with each day. Following is what took place in the first 10 minutes of class". She explained that when he wouldn't stop screaming, she told him she'd have to ask him to leave if he kept up the disruption. When he stuck up his middle finger, she went over to the phone. Cr*z ran over, took the phone from her, tried to dial 911, banged the phone on the receiver when that didn't work, and then ran out of the classroom.

Several teachers, in exhasperation and perhaps fear, tried to refuse to let him into their classroom. But they were informed by the school administrators that this was not permitted.

In November he was referred to the PROMISE program for vandalizing a bathroom faucet, but did not attend for reasons the school district refuses to explain. If a student skips PROMISE, district policy requires that he be referred to the juvenile justice system, but he was not for reasons the school district refuses to explain.

On November 20th, 2013, he ran into the middle of a busy road during a fire drill. Students were terrified as he could have died if an oncoming car had not stopped in time. Teachers assured students, "Don't worry, he's going to go somwhere he can get the help he needs now". But this was merely optimism. Another teacher wrote a disciplinary referral categorizing his suicide attempt as "Gross Insubordination" and "Aggresive and Dangerous Behavior." But school administrators rejected that categorization and categorized it instead as a minor act of disruptuption."

"If Cr*z had been involuntarily committed for psychiatric observation under Florida's Baker Act in response to his suicide attempt, it could have accelerated the process of sending him to Cross Creek. But he was not. It took until February 2014, five months after Westglades began the evaluation process and one year after his misbehavior became so severe that he was suspended essentially every other day, to send Cr*z to Cross Creek."

When teachers of Cr*z were asked what he was interested in or enjoyed, almost every single one of his teachers mentioned guns, the military, or war.

This excerpt speaks to the insanity of mainstreaming a student like Cr*z back into a traditional school like MSD. These things did not happen before Runcie became superintendant and brought more social justice ideology into the mix:

"According to Ms. Campbell, before Robert Runcie became superintendent, she had never seen a student mainstreamed from a school like Cross Creek in less than three years. The process typically took several semesters, with the student’s IEP team *gradually* adding class periods at the traditional school and carefully monitoring any changes in the student’s behavior. Cr*z spent his first semester at MSD taking two classes, largely unsupervised, and then began attending MSD full time the following semester. Ms. Campbell said that she had never heard of anything like it. This all bears reiterating to emphasize the insanity of it: Cross Creek staff were well aware of Cr*z’s profoundly disturbing behavior at Westglades. They knew about his obsession with guns and dreams about killing people. They were so frightened that they took the extremely rare step of contacting his private psychiatrist. Yet not only did they return him to a traditional high school at an unprecedented speed, they also enrolled him in JROTC, a course in which he would learn to shoot using an air gun that resembled an AR-15."

On December 14th, 2015, Cr*z's IEP team decided to allow him to attend MSD full time. He had made progress in the intensive therapuetic setting of Cross Creek, where well trained professionals could watch him like a hawk. But when he transitioned to MSD, his old "beheavior management" plan was discontinued and no new plan was created. Teachers were left uninformed about who the student was, what to watch for, and how to support him.

Looking back on the transition, a staff member lamented, "They just threw him to the wolves."

Cr*z bragged about getting a gun to sh**t up the school in Feburary 2016. The officer who recieved this alert told the concerned woman that Cr*z's instagram post was "Protected by the first amendment right of free speech". The woman asked if there was *any way* to prevent Cr*z from getting a gun when he turned 18, and the officer said that Cr*z’s right to purchase a firearm was protected by the 2nd amendment and *nothing* could be done.This officer was WRONG. Threatening to shoot up a school is a felony that could have prohibited him from buying a gun. (And even IF he wasn't convicted, an arrest could have gone a long way toward LE taking future reports about NC seriously.) This officer didn't even write a police report about the call.

NC often came to school dressed in full camoflauge gear, mask included, and jumped from behind poles to scare other students.

He would bring dead animals in his lunch box and give it to another student, telling her there was a treat inside.

Dana Craig submitted statements about Cr*z's threats to her and her friends but administrators did nothing. One day she was sitting in class when NC came in and walked straight toward her, and stood over her, staring and breathing loudly, as a hush fell across the classroom. After what seemed to be like a long time, security monitor Anna Ramos entered and said, "Someone here isn't where he's supposed to be" and took him out of the classroom. Records don't show him being taken to the office for this.

When MSD math teacher Suzanne Giorgione found out she was teaching Cr*z, she went to school administrators and told them she refused to set foot in the same classroom as a student who had previously threatened to kill her. As a result, Admin rearranged his schedule.

Several students reported having friends whose parents had complained about having Cruz in their child's classroom, and the school responded by changing *their* schedules.

At the beginning of the school year (a month before his fight with Enea), he approached Enea to shake his hand and call a "truce", telling him that "he could have her".

However, on September 20, 2016 Cr*z threw a water bottle at Enea and then jumped on top of him, punching him. Enea stood up to try to throw Cruz to the ground but NC held on tenaciously, *attempting to bite Enea's face*, only to catch Enea's hair in his teeth and hold on that way. The infamous fight video only catches the end of it when students jump in to break it up.

After the fight, administrators searched his backpack and found bullet casings. He explained he used his backpack to go hunting. According to MSD documentation, when asked why he liked to hunt, he replied that he liked to get food, then asked, "Isn't that what normal people would say?"

Before he attacked Enea, he told students at his table what he was about to do and they recorded it from the beginning. Students who took these videos were called down to the office and told to delete them. These videos would have provided clear evidence of a hate crime (NC repeatedly threatened him, called him a n*gger and other racial slurs, and had now attacked him). But MSD wanted to be seen as a school without crime and chaos, so they demanded evidence of fights be deleted.

Enea received an out-of-school suspension, while NC only received a two day ISS.

At this point, NC's safety plan included banning him from having a backpack at school: "The obvious rationale: if he has a backpack, he could bring a deadly weapon to school and kill people. They decided that Nikolas Cruz was too dangerous to be allowed on campus with a backpack but he should *not* be arrested. This may seem astonishing, but it is actually entirely faithful to philosophy of the Broward school district, as expressed by Superintendent Runcie: “We are not going to continue to arrest our kids” and give them a criminal record.

He brought binocluars to school and stared at people through them.

One student had nightmares about NC, "shooting me or stabbing me...every single night. I couldn't go to school because I was afraid." These concerns along with many others were brought before administrators but nothing was done.

When he decided to revoke his ESE protections, he appeared incapable of providing written notice "perhaps due to his language-processing impairment".

When being confronted about destroying other students model bridges, NC stated, "I am not mentally stable! I am fucking crazy, yo! I love to see people in pain and I have two shotguns at my house." (As previously reported)

He'd often walk around the courtyard at lunch making "bang" motions with his fingers as though he were shooting at birds.

He called Cross Creek after his mother Lynda died and told them, "Before my mom died, I promised her I would graduate high school. I get that Cross Creek is the only place where I can do that. How do I get back in?". They didn't help him get back in.

Lynda's responses to Westglades social worker:

What is the child's problem behavior? He can't control his temper, especially when faced with frustration. He has frequent anger outburts.

How would you describe these behaviors? He starts screaming, kicking, throwing things, and punching holes in the walls.

What are the most problematic for you? "Destruction" when he throws a tantrum, things get broken, nothing is safe. I have polka dotted walls from all the Spackle I have to use to fill the holes in the walls.

How often do these behaviors occur? Every day, especially while playing Xbox.

Are there situations in which the behaviors never or rarely occur? No, if he is losing at Xbox there are no two ways about it.

What do you think needs to be done to help this child? He needs to be properly diagnosed before he can be treated. I know ADD is not the cause of all his problems. We need to know what is wrong with him.

Victims:

Anthony Borges survived after being shot 5 times by taking his shirt off, ripping it into two pieces, and using the pieces as tourniquets for his legs. Anthony had been a boy scout in Venezuela and had taken his survival training very seriously.

Aaron Feis was found deceased with burns on his hands, indicating that he managed to get a grip on the shooter's AR-15 before being fatally shot.

Cara Loughran had been shot prior to Meadow shielding her. This is why she did not flee with the other students. "Meadow had been right next to Joaquin in front of the woman's bathroom. She tried to cross the hallway, but was shot four times. She crawled to a classroom, but the door was locked (as it was supposed to be). Next to her was freshman Cara Loughran, who had also been shot. Meadow draped her body over Cara's to protect her. Five more shots went through both of their bodies."

During the shooting one of the MSD staff members stated over the radio, "It sounds like fireworks.". Aaron Feis replied, "That's not fucking fireworks".

Aaron Feis's brother Ray recalled that Feis "wasn't scared of anyone, but he would talk about that 'crazy motherfucker who threatens everyone' and shouldn't be at this school".

A survivor recalled, "But then you also heard, like, moaning from the shots. I don't know if it was, like, the shooter making that noise or if it was someone who got shot. And, but, then, that's also, you also heard...heard, like, laughing. And we all look at each other in the classroom we're just like, "Oh my God, is someone seriously laughing?" (Previously seen in witness statements)

Notable Quotes:

Royer Borges (Anthony's father) on activists blaming the NRA: "This makes no sense. You're telling me that all these groups will pour money in to a national political battle against a powerful organization over things that had no connection to what happened? And then what? Maybe the gun control people will win some changes, but what about what actually happened? What about the people responsible in Broward? What about justice?"

In the middle of his 5th grade year, Cruz's teachers had to make a choice that would define the future of his education...

“In an earlier era, a student like Cruz could continue to receive specialized attention in a self-contained classroom for students with similar disabilities for at least part of each day in Middle School. However, between the pressure on schools to assess students using standardized tests under the federal No Child Left Behind Act and the pressure on schools to put students in the "least restrictive environment" possible under the federal Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, spending part of the day in a specialized classroom was no longer an option for a student like Cruz in a Broward middle school. It was either full "inclusion" at Westglades Middle School or full "exclusion" at a specialized school for students with emotional and behavioral disabilities: Cross Creek."

"...social justice activist groups frame this issue as a black and white question of "civil rights". Putting students like Cruz in schools like Cross Creek is alleged to be "ableist" (discrimination against the disabled) and keeping them in schools like Westglades is the self-evidently virtuous practice of "inclusion".

When Westglades staff heard that Cruz had committed the massacre at MSD, some couldn't believe it. The fact that he became a mass murderer wasn't what surprised them. They were surprised that he attacked MSD. "How is that possible?" one Westglades educator recalled thinking....

"We did our jobs. It took forever, but we got him where he needed to go. We couldn't believe they ever let him into MSD."

"Cross Creek is one of 3 specialized schools in Broward for students with extreme behavioral disabilities. It serves about 150 students in grades k-12, most of whom have been diagnosed with mental illnesses and take psychotropic medications. It has a two-to-one student-to-adult ratio, including eleven counselors, fifteen behavior technicians, and three therapists. There was NO question this was where Nikolas Cruz needed to be. The question must be answered. How was he sent back to a normal school?"

"Officers from other departments told us that, if they received this many calls about the same juvenile, they would watch him like a hawk and not be shy about making an arrest. But if Sheriff Israel judged his success by how well he kept juveniles out of jail, then up until February 14th, 2018, Nikolas Cruz was perhaps the most striking success."

"Martinez respected the March For Our Lives gun control students, but he had mixed feelings about the course of public debate after the shooting. Reflecting on how Sheriff Israel and Superintendent Runcie blamed the NRA, Martinez lamented, “What the students don’t know is that the people who are telling them to go out and protest are the ones that are endangering them.… They’re the ones who failed. These failed policies failed students miserably. Then they deflect the whole event and try to build their political careers on top of it. The students are being misled.”

“I’ve been over every inch of what happened. The NRA had nothing to do with it...

This happened in a Democrat county with a Democrat sheriff, a Democrat superintendent, and a Democrat school board, implementing Democrat ideas on criminal justice, Democrat ideas on special education, and Democrat ideas on school discipline. And after Democrat voters gave all these Democrats a resounding vote of confidence in the school board election, the Democrat teachers union president, Anna Fusco, wrote in a Facebook group about our campaign for accountability: “Now you can all shut up!”....Meanwhile, at the national level, Democrat organizers swooped in and weaponized my daughter’s murder for their Democrat agenda and to fund-raise to elect more Democrats.”

"It is astonishing that 18-1958 only took seventeen lives that day. The death toll could easily have been 170. He had ten minutes alone with eight hundred children. The only one who stopped him was himself."

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elinaline · 4 years

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Got tagged by @mixmio thanks ! my brain does not want to focus on work these days so perfect

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

it’s like. black. I rarely use it though, because if I brush my hair it looks like a bomb exploded on my head fdjkfh so I untangle it after putting in conditioner and usually I just fight it with my bare hands in the morning

2. name of a food you never eat?

cucumber. fuck that vegetable it’s disgusting way too smelly and the texture is fucking horrible

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

too warm !!!!!! and it’s only gonna get worse (: woohoo

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

I was being anxious lmao, and weirdly emotional because of that playlist spotify gave me. Also thinking about how to formulate the things I want on my report for my precedent internship that I still need to conclude.

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

is it twix ? is it mars ? I never know the difference carambar good also

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

I used to be in the official orchestra of a professional rugby team so I’ve been to a few dozens official sports events actually !! I’ll always remember the patrouille the France oing over our head as we were playing for a France-Ireland match in Bordeaux, that was amazing, and Irish rugby fans are so fun :)

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

“oh it’s bubbling up !” talking about a cake I’m trying to do with sourdough starter

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

fucking uuuhhhhh blueberry ? there’s no better ice cream taste than one made from wild blueberries that you went out in the moutain to pick with your family after noticing a good spot during a hike :3

9. what is the last thing you had to drink?

orange juice 5mins ago

10. do you like your wallet?

yeah ? it’s convenient I.... it’s got lots of pockets ? idk it’s sturdy wh. that’s a weird question actually

11. what was the last thing you ate?

lunch made by my roommate ! also a bit of the paste from aforementioned cake lol

12. did you buy any new clothes last week?

no I don’t intend on buying new clothes until a loooonnnngggg time I don’t particularly need any plus like. quarantine lol.

13. last sporting event you watched?

uh.

the. no wait ? no that’s it probably bits of the tour de france last summer ?

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn?

there are different flavors between salt and sugar ???????????? anyways salted popcorn is absolutely disgusting so. sugar. there are different flavors ? what a wild world we live in

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

@breadstyx I was talking to them about the cake

16. ever go camping?

rarely

we were supposed to go camping this weekend, since it’s a long one what with May 8, with my class as sort of like one last big event altogether but :) fuck us I guess lol

17. do you take vitamins?

I used to in highschool bc I had toxoplasmosis and it fucking drained me. I’ve also taken some magnesium complements this year because I had vertigo caused by stress because it was such a nice year for me (: (: (:

18. do you go to church every Sunday?

LMAOOOOO NO

19. do you have a tan?

I’ve been stuck inside for the last two months and there is basically no direct sun in my apartment. so. I’m white as fuck rn

I’ll get SO sunburnt as soon as I can go outside lol but catch me rolling in the grass as soon as they reopen the parks, I haven’t seen grass in 52 days fuck off. Like knowing we’d get out of quarantine but that the parks would still be closed for a while did a funny number on my mental health hahaaaa

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

I’m not a big Chinese food fan generally :/ also what kind of pizza are we talking about ?

21. do you drink soda with a straw?

before I answer this question I need to know what you define as soda because I’ve never understood what non French people meant by that. also generally I don’t use straws apart for like milkshakes and smoothies

22. what colour socks do you wear?

right now I’m barefoot

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

I haven’t driven in years my guy fdkfh but usually no I’m exactly at the speed limit I’m terrified of driving and I hate it SO

24. what terrifies you?

like, right now, or ? in general ? I’m terrified of every countries around slowly turning into authoritarian regimes and not being able to do shit, I’m terrified of the general mistrust towards science I can see in the general public, I’m terrified of the rise of fascism, I’m terrified of climate change in a very short term idea because I can’t bear many more summers above 45°C and in the long term because I’d like today’s kids to have a future, I’m terrified of never being enough and not getting a PhD funding, I’m terrified people will get bored of me or think I’m not useful anymore and leave me and I’d have to rebuild myself from zero again, I’m terrified of the general idea of losing control, I’m terrified of big empty spaces, I’m terrified of causing harm of any kind without being able to control or reduce it. You know the usual dose of existential fear and then some, and then some more for good measure haha :)

25. look to your left what do you see?

a calendar

26. what chore do you hate?

doing the dishes and getting the bin out because it hurts my back

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

":)” loved going to Melbourne would love to go back I miss my friend there

28. what’s your favourite soda?

seriously define soda first. If you mean drink with bubble I don’t like any of them basically. If you mean processed drink with an average of five sugar cubes per can I’d say Oasis ? or Ice Tea

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

never been to a drive through. fast foods yeah ! there used to be a Declercq (it’s like belgian fries, v good, v greasy, perfect for a friday night with friends) near my school but they had an oil fire so it burned down :( so now the alternative for greasy fries is BK

30. who was the last person you talked to?

@breadstyx whom I sent a message to about the cake. IRL I live with my roommate so.

t31. favourite cut of beef?

one that’s tender ? you think I know perfectly which cut is what and not that I don’t buy the cheapest one when I feel like polluting a lot with what I eat ?

32. last song you listened to?

I’m currently listening to a spotify playlist. I’s currently playing hang on

Willow tree by twin wild i’ve never heard of these guys but ok

33. last book you read?

oh fuck I’m in a “unable to read” period lmao. Probably one of the October Daye series uh. The one where her mom comes to steal her fiance and her twin

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihfedcba

took a while but I think it’s correct ? It’s like. I know sequences that are easy to invert and I need to link them together that’s the tricky part

35. how do you like your coffee?

black

36. favourite pair of shoes?

Before I bought my docks I had those huge bulgy shoes that I loved because no one could step on my feet in the metro, but the insole started caving in in a weird way and it hurt my ankle so I had to stop wearing them :(

37. the time you normally go to bed?

(: NORMALLY around midnight, but rn it’s more like. between 1 and 2 am when I’m not too bad

38. the time you normally wake up?

NORMALLY around 8 but I’ve decided 9.30 would be good, and I usually am able to get up only by 10am

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

I’m usually not awake for sunrises but both are good. I like the hour JUST after sunset best because it’s like. you can see daysky on one side and nightsky on the other, and everything is sort of blue or sort of orange

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

one

41. describe your kitchen plates?

they’re round and kinda concave so that food doesn’t get out ? I? do you have many weird questions like that

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

I’m a sucker for a good piña colada but it’s hard to get them exactly right, like the balance between too sweet and too creamy is subtle

43. do you play cards?

in highschool I used to but I’ve forgotten all the game we’d do

44. what colour is your car?

don’t have one

45. can you change a tire?

lmao

46. your favourite province?

If we’re talking french region, Aquitaine is the closest I’ve ever felt to being home I guess ? I love the Pyrenées as well, all three old regions I don’t know the new ones fdfsdhfsdf

47. favourite job you’ve had?

I’ve only ever done summer camp counselor as a summer job, and I’ve had both a traumatising experience filled with sexual harassment and a really good experience that helpes me get more self confident so.

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

it’s not really a scar it’s a bump on my head that never left, I hit my brother in the garden pool at full speed when I was 7

49. what did you do today that made someone happy?

afaik nothing but I’m about to put this cake to bake SO

I am tagging uuuuuuuuuhhh say @sunny-day-sky andddd @queerlynx but like. don’t feel pressured to do it, it’s a Lot

#tag game #long post

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illnessandinjury · 4 years

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I’m just gonna vent a little down below. feel free to ignore; TW for panic attacks, PTSD, slight self harm and suicide mention, etc.

so in november of 2018, the scariest thing in my life happened too me. i won’t go into much detail, as i’ve talked about it here before. i had a psychosis episode and hallucinated the scariest shit. told the paramedic to kill me, told him to call the cops to kill me. went to the ER, came down from the episode, was fine for a while.

i still had nightmares, but PTSD can be funny. it took till october of 2019 for the real illness to take it’s form. it’s diagnosed, btw, i’m not just saying i have PTSD because i think i do; it’s actually in my records. not self-diagnose shaming or anything, but it’s not the case for me.

in october i stopped functioning all together. i had panic attacks all the time. i was constantly dissociating. i couldn’t even normally visit with my mother when she came up from florida. i was so out of my mind with fear and dissociation. i ended up going to the ER, because i wasn’t eating, i kept calling off work, i. could. not. function.

the doctor prescribed me xanax... and everything stopped. the panic attacks, the dissociation, the fear, the flashbacks. it wasn’t even a high dose, but it got me through. i ate again. i worked again.

my psychiatrist took me off of it though. prescribed me vistiril of all things; aka, an antihistamine. AN ANTIHISTAMINE. BASICALLY BENEDRYL FOR PANIC ATTACKS WITH PSYCHOSIS SYMPTOMS. WHAT.

so i did things my own way. i found a dealer. i bought xanax illegally; i’m still on the same small dose i was on when i first got prescribed. i didn’t have any withdrawal when i was taken off of it or anything, but it all came back. the sleepless nights, the panic attacks, the disassociation. i lost 15 pounds in two weeks.

i said i would wait until my other meds kicked in - my zoloft and seroquel. don’t get me wrong - they work amazingly, but not for what i need. my zoloft helps my depression amazingly, and my seroquel helps even out my moods and puts me to sleep at night. but it doesn’t even TOUCH my anxiety. maybe takes the edge off, but i feel that all too sickeningly and familiar feeling of my consciousness floating away from my body; and suddenly my hands aren’t my own. they’re too big and they’re not mine. they don’t feel like mine. i feel like i’m looking at myself from above, like i’m not even in my body. it’s called depersonalization; it’s a form of dissociation.

so i continued my xanax. still at the same small dose. only take it when i feel myself start to panic, or if i feel myself floating off. with the mix of all three drugs; i’ve never felt better in my life. i got a new job; went from working 20 hours a week to 40+. i’m on my way to buying a house. i’ve never been this stable.

but the thing is; my dealer won’t have xanax forever. i have enough for a while though, probably another two or three months. i’m fine for now. but i know when i run out, and can’t buy anymore, and if i don’t get a prescription - i know im going back to the psych ward. i know i will.

don’t get me wrong - i know the dangers of benzos. i know they can be addicting, i know they can be fatal in the situation of an overdose or when mixed with alcohol. again, i take a tiny dose compared to most people prescribed, and i never EVER drink on it. i’m careful. i know addiction can sneak up, but i don’t know how i can become addicted to something i know i need. hell, you can withdrawal from anything; although i know benzo withdrawal is awful and can be hell.

i just don’t know what i can tell my psychiatrist. no matter how many times i tell her that i’m living in hell every day, that i have to call off of work just so i don’t have a panic attack right there on the floor, how i can’t even bring myself to eat when it gets real bad. i’ve told her everything. what else can i say? that if things go on i’ll resort back to self harm? or that i’ll kill myself? because honestly if i have to go without them, and deal with the everyday panic attacks and dissociating - i fucking might. i just don’t know what else to tell her. i’ve tried everything she’s given me. i’ve followed the steps from my therapist. but i’m sorry - breathing exercises aren’t going to help me when i start hallucinating. talking about what happened to me isn’t going to take away the fear of the fact that i literally thought i was dying. an ANTIHISTAMINE isn’t going to help me forget the way my husband’s face melted into one of pure horror when i screamed in his face that i was going to die and leave him behind in that moment. it’s not going to take away the fact that i hit my head into the wall as hard as i could over and over and over again because i thought it would make the hallucinations go away.

it replayed in my head all the time. the flashbacks. it’s awful. his fucking face, his yelling at me, him trying to comfort me as i thought about jumping from the fucking window.

i don’t want to go back to how i felt. i want to continue feeling like this. normal, and put together. last night i forgot to take my dose and it came back. i had a nightmare and when i woke up, i wasn’t in my body again. time started to slow and i felt the black edged come into my vision to make way for the hallucinations again. i was so fucking scared.

i can’t just keep going on trying different meds that don’t work when i already have the meds that DO work. i’m not popping them for fucking fun. i don’t feel high when i’m on them or anything. i just feel.... normal. i’m not scared.

i just don’t know what the fuck to do. i see my therapist and psychiatrist soon but i don’t know what to tell them. it’s like they never take me seriously. they hear what i say. i don’t know if they think i’m playing it up for laughs or what - but in actuality if anything, i’m down playing it. do i have to lower my walls and just break down in their office?? like i want to? like i keep myself from doing every time? what. am. i. supposed. to. do.

#delete later #tw

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wrestlingisfake · 4 years

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Final Battle preview

Rush vs. PCO - Rush is defending the ROH world title. As far as I can remember, Rush is undefeated in Ring of Honor. The only singles loss in ROH that I could find for PCO was his last shot at the world title. It is probably worth noting that each man’s contract is expiring at the end of the year, and there has been little word on whether either of them plans to re-sign.

Rush is probably the hottest star in wrestling that isn’t signed to WWE, AEW, or New Japan. You see his entrance and you can tell this guy is a big ass deal, far beyond anything else going on in ROH. I’m still surprised they managed to sign him. Pierre Carl Ouellet, meanwhile, is a minor name from the 1990s enjoying a cult resurgence as a monster brawler with a Frankenstein gimmick. At 51, PCO isn’t a hot prospect bound for the big leagues, but he’s a can’t-miss draw at the super-indy level. So this is arguably the biggest match ROH could deliver in 2019. It reminds me of a big match from ROH’s early days, where a WWE fan wouldn’t get the appeal but hardcore indy fans saw it as a dream match.

Even someone like me, who only half pays attention to ROH, can see the appeal of this match. Rush’s matches are fast and intense, and he quickly destroys guys with big explosive moves. PCO’s matches are about how he feels no pain and keeps getting back up to do increasingly insane spots. This is, fundamentally, the irresistible force meeting the immovable object. I can’t believe we’re getting such a match from “The guy who taught Tetsuya Naito how to be cool” versus “The Mountie’s tag team partner,” but such is wrestling in 2019.

Ring of Honor has really fallen off a cliff this year. The core of their star power left to found AEW, and their alliance with New Japan seems to be at its lowest ebb. The whole controversy of CMLL firing Rush and Dragon Lee, who have become key figures here, would also seem to be a bad sign for the ROH/CMLL alliance as well. So it’s been a rebuilding year for the company, and frankly I haven’t been impressed with what they’ve rebuilt. Except for this one match. This is very symbolic of their one shot to turn things around for 2020. I hope they don’t blow it; I expect that they will somehow.

My gut tells me Rush is moving on to greener pastures, whereas PCO probably can’t do much better than being a big fish in a small pond. Wild as it sounds, I think we might get a title change tonight.

Jay Briscoe & Mark Briscoe vs. Jay Lethal & Jonathan Gresham - This is for the Briscoes’ ROH tag team title. The biggest question mark here is that Lethal broke his arm back in October, and although he’s vowed to make it to this match it remains to be seen if he’ll be healed enough to really go.

I haven’t followed the story closely, but Lethal and Gresham were friends until Gresham decided that he needed to cheat to get ahead, and then they fought over that, and then they reconciled, and now they’re both whacking the Briscoes with chairs. I’m still not sure if the Briscoes ever officially turned babyface this year. So to me this is a pretty standard 2019 ROH story, where there are no heroes and everyone’s an asshole.

In theory this should be a down-and-dirty brawl between two teams that would prefer to fight than wrestle. But since it’s not officially billed as a street fight or anything, what we’ll probably end up with is a basic wrestling match where they just sneak a few weapon shots and low blows behind the ref’s back. That’s fine to build to a bigger, wilder spotfest later, but not so much to be a featured tag match on Final Battle. I guess Lethal and Gresham will win the belts with shenanigans to set up a rematch.

Shane Taylor vs. Dragon Lee Ryu Lee - Taylor is defending the ROH television title. Dragon Lee had been a big name in CMLL, and a frequent representative of the company in New Japan, and of late he’s been getting involved in ROH through his brother Rush. But since CMLL suddenly fired him, and they own the rights to the name, he’s now adopted the name “Ryu Lee,” using the Japanese word for “dragon” to honor his new deal with New Japan. Lee’s preference among those three companies is to work for New Japan, so now that he’s got that contract I am very curious whether he remains a ROH regular. I suspect this match will be the first clue. Taylor has been a dominant champion but Lee has friends in high places, so the one they want to push should be very telling. I’m kinda thinking Taylor retains.

Matt Taven vs. Vincent - Vincent used to be Vinny Marseglia, a member of The Kingdom stable with Taven and TK O’Ryan. I’m not sure what happened to O’Ryan after Taven lost the ROH world title, but Vincent turned on Taven and has gone all in on the gimmick of being a horror movie slasher. This means Taven is doing the “asshole champion you come to respect drops the title and then improbably turns babyface” thing. I’m not sure I buy that, but I guess ROH kinda has to make the best of what they have to work with. All I know is when I see Taven plugging his DVD I’m just reminded of when TNA put out that Jeff Jarrett retrospective as if he was Triple H or something. Anyway, I guess the King of Kings King of the Mountain King of the Kingdom needs to win this match.

Mark Haskins vs. Bully Ray - This is being billed as a street fight, so the match cannot end by count-out or disqualification. Bully Ray has been playing the bitter veteran bullying young guys for the better part of two years now. He was mainly feuding with Flip Gordon, but even after they blew that off he just kept doing it, and when Flip turned heel they just sort of switched to Haskins. They’ve even got Bully going after Mark’s wife like he did with Flip’s wife. It’s the exact same fucking thing. Which, I suppose, means Bully has to win this match to generate more heat for more rematches. I would literally rather be escorted into a room where Bully bitches me out for being a bad fan than watch this crap one more time.

Marty Scurll & Flip Gordon vs. Bandido & Flamita - All right, so months ago Juice Robinson came to ROH to found a stable called Lifeblood, with the goal of elevating some new stars to replenish the roster after the AEW exodus. Well, in an apt metaphor for ROH’s fortunes in 2019, Lifeblood quickly fell apart with half the team disappearing from ROH, leaving Bandido, Mark Haskins, and Tracy Williams. They tried to recruit various guys to fill the void, but nobody has stepped up and Flip Gordon even turned heel on them to join Scurll’s Villain Enterprises. Then Flip blew out his elbow during the heel turn. Anyway, Haskins has his hands full with Bully Ray, and I don’t even know where Williams is, so now Bandido is starting a new tag team with Flamita and this is the closest we get to blowing off the Lifeblood/Villain Enterprises feud.

Scurll’s contract with ROH actually ended a couple of weeks ago, but he has a handshake deal to work this show and the one on December 15. The big questions now are which company he’ll sign with and how ROH will write him out of the company. But presumably those questions won’t be answered until the 15th, so even at this late date we’re still in a holding pattern, and I’m guessing they’ll keep acting like everything is normal.

Logic would suggest Scurll should do the job so ROH can put over Flamita and Bandido. Then again, it wouldn’t shock me to learn that Bandido is getting ready to leave, so you never know.

Jeff Cobb vs. Dan Maff - This is basically a battle of two big mean guys. Cobb is just back from a month-long tour with New Japan. Maff is a recent acquisition, and notably filled in for Brody King to help Marty Scurll and PCO defend the ROH trios title. That kinda makes me wonder if Maff could end up playing a role in the final fate of Villain Enterprises, but that probably won’t affect this match.

Cobb is--say it with me this time, folks--expected to have his contract come up soon, and may or may not be getting ready to leave. If he’s staying, he should probably win this match to build him up for whoever is champion going forward. If he’s leaving...well, Maff seems to be a budget version of Cobb, so it would make sense to have him be the guy to send Cobb packing. We’ll just have to see what happens.

Angelina Love vs. Maria Manic - Love won the women’s title at the last ROH show I watched, but it turns out she lost it back to Kelly Klein shortly thereafter. Then Klein suffered a concussion, which turned into a pretty big story abut ROH not taking care of her and letting her contract expire, and I don’t know what’s going on with the women’s title anymore. I occasionally wonder if they’ll even continue to have a women’s division after this show. Manic is clearly their big new project, but apparently they almost let her go to NXT before locking her into a contract.

The story of the match is that Manic is a big mean monster and Love is terrified of her. Usually in this kind of story the heel gets to demonstrate that they can come up with some clever way to outwit the monster, and the match is about whether that works or not. But as far as I know they haven’t given Love anything--she seems to just be a lamb led to the slaughter. It’s possible Love is preparing to leave and this is the blowoff for her character. If so, I’m not sure who will be left to fight Manic. There’s only like five other active women in the official roster, and I haven’t seen any of them wrestle in months.

Dalton Castle & Joe Hendry vs. Silas Young & Josh Woods - This is scheduled for the pre-show. Young and Woods are apparently calling themselves “2G1T” (“Two Guys, One Tag”), which is possibly the most alarming sign of the creative energy left in this company. I think Castle and Hendry have been passive-aggressively feuding and teaming for months and I’ve kinda given up trying to figure out where this is headed. I guess Castle and Hendry win.

Rhett Titus vs. Kenny King - Another match set for the pre-show. Titus and King were a tag team ages ago, but now King is a wannabe top heel and Titus is a prelim guy. Well, I guess they’re both in the pre-show so technically they’re both prelim guys. I assume the point is to give King a win, but if this guy was ever going to be something in ROH, he would already be well beyond the point that beating Titus would mean anything.

#roh #ring of honor #final battle #rush #pco

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ilovemygaydad · 5 years

Text

I’m Doing Fine

from the friends in dark places au

pairing: none

Summary: (Junor year; about six months before Patton and Virgil meet) Patton isn’t feeling his normal, happy self anymore.

WARNINGS: depression, panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts, self doubt, feelings of worthlessness, self hatred, minor descriptions of self harm/suicide, minor descriptions of verbal violence

tag list: @hufflepuffgirl01 @cocobearthe4th @cas-is-a-hunter @band-be-boss-blog @theunoriginaldaisy

a/n: okay i’m done with reuploads, so here’s some new content!!! i apologize to everybody who has had to witness this shit

a/n 2: jsyk, it’s totally okay to ask for a modified chapter if you need it or if i need to add tags! i get it, and it’s no problem for me to quick edit a chapter or whatever :) also, feel free to send requests or questions that you have!

first of main plot - companions

consider buying me a coffee (please)

October 7, 2016

Patton couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t that he couldn’t physically get out of bed; he just didn’t have the mental strength to get up. He pulled his blue duvet over his eyes and aggressively punched the snooze button on his alarm clock. Another missed day of school. Whatever.

Twenty minutes later, Mrs. Shea walked into Pat’s room with a worried expression pulling at her face. This was the third time in October he hadn’t gotten up for school, and it was only the seventh day of the month.

“Hey, honey. You feeling okay?” she whispered, softly making her way to the side of his bed. Patton was laying in a tight ball under the covers, and his hair barely stuck out from underneath it.

“My stomach hurts really bad…” Lies. Everything he’d been saying recently was one giant lie. “I think I should stay home today.”

His mom sighed. “Alright. I’ll leave some soup in the fridge for you to heat up if you get hungry, but I’ve got to go to work now. Love you.”

“Love you too.” As soon as he heard the door click shut, Patton released the choked sob he’d been holding in. There was no reason for him to be so sad; he had a wonderful family, so many beautiful belongings, and the most caring friends that he could ever ask for. And yet here he was, laying in bed and feeling like the most useless piece of garbage known to man.

Tears ran across the bridge of his nose and across his cheek, sinking into his pillowcase where they leaving a growing wet patch in the fabric. Good thing the wet pillow wouldn’t bother him while he was asleep.

---

“Have you seen Patton? He wasn’t in first block,” Roman asked Logan as they sat down at their lunch table. Patton never missed school unless he physically couldn’t get out of bed, yet he had been absent so frequently as of late.

“No, and I’m starting to get worried. He’s been acting so unlike himself. I can’t help but wonder what must be going on.” Logan took a bite of his sandwich and flipped on his phone, pulling up Patton’s text conversation. “And look.”

Logan

Read October 6 at 7:15 pm

Patton, what did you get for the third problem in the chemistry packet? I want to double check my answers.

Patton

Delivered October 6 at 7:18 pm

I haven’t done it yet. I’ll check in with you after advisement tomorrow.

Logan

Read October 6 at 7:25 pm

Don’t worry about it, Patton. I’ll just ask someone else. Good night.

“I sent that first text at around seven pm, which was around the time I finished my homework after tutoring, and the second at 7:19, so right after he sent his text. He never takes that long to look at or reply to texts. Plus, he didn’t say goodnight to me. I truly am worried.” Logan pushed up his glasses, which had slipped down his nose, and looked at Roman. The usually over-the-top teen looked sullen as he mulled over the information.

“Can your mom drive us to Patton’s house after school?”

---

They arrived at Patton’s as soon as humanly possible after school. They’d explained to Mrs. Christiansen that since Patton had missed school, they were going to need a ride to his house so they could help him figure out what homework he needed to get done. Thankfully, she’d bought the lie and gave them no questions.

Roman hopped out of the minivan and practically sprinted to the door, roughly poking the doorbell. He could hear the bright ring sound through the house as Logan walked up behind him. They waited for two minutes, but nobody showed up. He rang again with slightly less aggression.

Less than a minute later, the door swung open, and a disheveled Patton stood in the doorway. His hair was sticking in practically every direction, and his rumpled pajamas made his slight frame look even more stick-like. Pat’s nose was red and puffy; his eyes looked just as irritated. The smile on his lips looked fake and didn’t meet his eyes in the slightest.

“Hey, guys! What’s up?” The cheerful ring in Patton’s voice was gone, replaced by a duller version of himself.

Act natural. They can’t know. This is your cross to bear. Not theirs.

“We wanted to come check on you since you didn’t come to school,” Logan explained, casting a worried glance at Roman. This was unsettling.

Just get them out.

“Thanks for the gesture, kiddos, but I’m all good! Just a bit of a cold, you know? Well, I’ll see you both tomorrow.” The door began to swing shut, but Roman shot out his hand to stop it.

Damn it! Try harder.

“Woah, Pat. Calm down a sec. Are you sure you’re okay? You look like you’ve been crying.” Roman’s voice was laced with caution; he didn’t want to seem too interrogative.

Patton’s smile faltered for a second before coming back with even more faux brightness than ever. “It’s just the cold. Darn thing’s making my eyes water and nose run!”

Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.

“Right…” Logan didn’t believe a word his friend was saying. “Why didn’t you come to school today? You seem well enough for your usual standards to not miss—OW!”

Roman’s heel dug hard into Logan’s toes, warning him not to overstep any boundaries.

“I was feeling really awful this morning. I could barely roll over in bed.”

“Pat, we’re just... we’re worried about you. You’re our best friend,” Roman interjected.

I’m doing fine.

“There’s no need! I’m great!”

Logan desperately cut in. “You haven’t been acting like yourself recently. Our text conversations have been curt and to the point, and you haven’t sent your trademark goodnight text in well over a week—“

“I SAID I’M FINE!” Patton yelled, finally at the end of his rope. His two friends stared at him in shock, mouths hanging open and eyes wide. Pat stood there for a moment to catch his breath before he realized what he’d just done. He sunk to the ground and roughly tugged at his hair in frustration. Tears rolled down his face, and sobs racked his body.

Suddenly, he was being lifted off the floor and carried through his house, ending up on his soft bed. Blankets wrapped around him, and soothing words were whispered as he let out all of the pent up shit that he’d stored away.

Soon enough, the tears stopped coming, and Patton’s breathing evened out to a slow rhythm. He shifted to look at Logan, who was sitting cross legged next to him, absently petting Pat’s hair.

“I don’t deserve you guys,” Pat mumbled, shying away from Logan’s touch. That snapped Lo out of his thoughts.

“What do you mean? Of course you do. If anything, Roman and I don’t deserve you.” Logan had his Mom Voice on, and it was clear that he’d be ready to fight any of Patton’s worries away.

“No, I don’t. You guys are fantastic and nice, but I’m terrible. I yelled at you. That’s not something that any good friend should do.” Patton sighed and rolled his face back into his pillow. Hopelessness travelled through his body in icy waves.

Logan made an affronted noise. “That is most certainly not true. Roman and I were pushing you past your breaking point; that was our fault. We shouldn’t have done that. You are the best friend anyone could ask for, Patton. You’re compassionate, kind, loyal, and most of all you love each of us with your entire heart.”

“I guess…” Pat trailed off into his pillow. He heard the door click open and someone, probably Roman, walk in. Logan gently kissed his hair and slid off the bed, walking to the door before softly closing it again. Outside he could faintly hear the muffled voices of his friends talking, but he couldn’t quite make out their words.

He was barely awake for another second as his emotional exhaustion caught up with him.

---

“How is he?” Roman asked once the door was closed, making sure his voice was hushed enough that Patton wouldn’t be able to hear.

“I think he’s okay…” Logan fidgeted with his hands. “But I do believe he’s depressed. He has a lot of the symptoms: pessimistic attitude, feelings of worthlessness, difficulty concentrating, weight loss. I-I’m really worried about him, Roman.”

Tears began to roll down his cheeks as he broke down. Patton was supposed to be the light of the group. He was supposed to provide comfort to them, and they’d neglected him in return. It was their fault, and they’d lost constancy in their group. Logan’s breathing sped up as he lost control of his feelings.

“Woah, Lo. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. We’ll figure this out.” Roman enveloped Logan in a soft hug, but he was immediately pushed away. Logan sank to the floor, pushing his back against the wall. Roman stared at him for a moment in shock before kneeling down and just barely resting his hand on Logan’s knee.

“Hey. You’re going to be alright. Just listen to my voice, okay?” Roman softly began to sing one of Logan’s favorite Pink Floyd songs until he was calm again. “That’s good, Lo. Why don’t you go take a nap in Pat’s bed while I do some research?”

Logan nodded and allowed himself to be led to the plush bed, where he almost instantly fell asleep. Roman sadly smiled at his two friends, both suffering in such different ways.

He sat down at Pat’s desk, opening the laptop and typing in the password. pattoncake2001. As much as Roman loved his friend, the kid really needed to get more secure passwords.

Google Chrome popped up once the screen had loaded. Roman’s heart dropped as he looked at the open tabs.

lasting feelings of worthlessness

symptoms of depression

how to hide depression from others

He impulsively collapsed the browser and stared at the dark background of the Spotify app before regaining his senses. Roman felt so bad for Patton; he couldn’t even begin to imagine what his friend must be going through.

As he moved to close Spotify, he caught sight of the playlists Pat had saved. Most of them were things he’d normally listen to, like X Ambassadors, but there were some playlists named “depression help” that just made Roman’s mood sink even further.

After a few more minutes of clicking around, he reopened Chrome and began to Google symptoms of depression for himself. He clicked on the first few links, finding mostly the same things, but then found a link to a Tumblr blog. Hmm. That might help.

Roman immediately regretted his decision. Graphic images of self harm and suicide flooded his screen. Panic bubbled up in his chest until he couldn’t stand it anymore. He snapped the laptop shut and pushed it away from him as if it had physically hurt him.

That was enough research for one day.

---

October 8, 2016

Everything had gotten so out of control, and Patton hadn’t been aware of any of it. During his sophomore year, he’d become really good friends with a girl in his class, Hayley Aster. She was sweet and caring and funny, and Patton enjoyed talking to her at school and on the phone. Their friendship wasn’t Logan and Roman tight, but Patton considered her one of his best friends.

But once they started their junior year, Hayley started acting... weird. And now that he thought of it, so had his other friend, Luke. And basically everyone else. It was like his entire class seemed off.

He’d been curious--of course he had been curious--but everyone seemed to be avoiding him. It was his fault, probably. Patton had started to distance himself from Logan and Roman, not wanting to upset them or bring them down as well.

And then he’d learned the truth. Not from Luke, obviously, nor Hayley. It was Kay who had told him on October first. Luke had been so obsessed with staying best friends with Hayley that he’d spread rumors about Patton to try and distance him from her. Rumor after rumor--the same fucking song, just with different words. If you didn’t like Patton Shea, you spread rumors about him until his life was ruined, apparently!

Oh, and that wasn’t all. It never was. Everyone knew who had started the rumors, but nobody had the courage to step up and tell Patton that Luke was the one to start them. They were too terrified by the idea of being Luke’s next target to do anything. They’d even managed to keep the rumors away from Roman and Logan because they were too damn self-preserving to risk the wrath of Patton’s friends.

Patton hadn’t even done anything wrong this time, yet everyone still hated him.

God, Roman and Logan were too good for him. He didn’t deserve their care. They’d sat by his side all day and night, and they’d only left just now to buy him some of his favorite candy. Patton wasn’t sure if either of them had slept at all, which was also worrying!

Patton was a burden, and he knew that, but he didn’t know what to do about it. Well, he had an idea, but he was too much of a coward to actually go through with it. That was another thing that he was--a coward. Running from his problems, too afraid to actually do what was best for everyone. They didn’t need him; he was just going to end up sad and lonely.

Suddenly exhausted, Patton curled into his blankets. At least he wasn’t too afraid to sleep.

---

Logan and Roman had picked up Mr. Christiansen’s beat up Intrepid and drove to the Meijer off Main Street. They wanted to pick up candy, of course, and some other nice things for Patton like a new pair of slippers and some good smelling candles, and it was also convenient that they needed to get some things for their respective houses. In short, they had a long list of items to buy.

Roman wheeled their cart around to the stuffed toys isle. The two browsed for a few moments before Roman pulled a specific plushie from the shelf. A tiny stuffed dog the color of the sky. It was perfectly Patton.

A few beats of soft silence followed the find before Logan spoke; his voice was barely audible over the static noise of the store. “Roman, I’m terrified for Patton. What if he doesn’t get better? What if—What if he—“ Not for the first time that day, tears streamed down his face in a cruel betrayal of his cold façade.

Roman gasped and discarded the toy he was holding in the cart, rushing to tightly hug Logan. An unsure Logan was never good. “It’ll be okay, Lo. It will. Patton’s so strong.” Roman’s voice wavered ever so slightly. If Logan wasn’t completely sure that Patton would be okay, then what would happen? Lo knew basically everything! He was their rock; always solid when they needed the support. And now even he was crumbling.

“I can’t lose him, Roman! I can’t. Oh, god, he’s supposed to be the sunshine against any darkness in the world, and look at him! I’ve never seen Patton so lost,” Logan sobbed. His body heaved as he pressed his face deep into Roman’s neck. They’d been the perfect trio for what felt like forever, yet everything threatened to fall apart in an instant.

“We’ll help him; I swear on it. We’ll be okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

---

“Ohmygoodness, I love him!” Patton squealed as his friends presented the tiny plushie to him. It was adorably small, and possibly the tiniest bit under-stuffed, but Pat adored the little guy.

“What are you going to name him, lovely?” Roman inquired, pacing the room to put away some of the other items they’d gotten.

“Blue Puppy!” There was a childlike grin on Patton’s face as he lightly squished the toy.

Logan frowned. “That seems a little bit uncreative, even—Christ!” A swift jab in the ribs by Roman was enough to shut even the most idiotic brainiacs.

“That’s adorable, Pat! And does Blue Puppy have any friends that you would like to introduce?” Roman knew exactly what he was doing. Patton’s mind seemed to run on a sort of childish encouragement system when he was upset, so, logically, having him make up stories about different things that brought him comfort would help distract from the intrusive thoughts and provide nice feelings.

“Oh, uh, Logan could you grab the bucket of plushies from my closet?” Logan obliged and set the tub on the bed next to Patton. “Alright! Well, we’ve got Winnie the Pooh, of course, and Piglet. Oooh and there’s Zapper. And—oh…”

Patton cut off, pulling a light purple teddy bear from the conglomeration. It didn’t take long for Roman and Logan to figure it out. Hayley had given him that stupid fucking bear over the summer. Oh, how could Roman be so stupid as to forget about that?

“Um, I think I’m done for now. Thanks for your help, though.” Pat shoved all of the toys, excluding Blue Puppy, back into the container and lightly slid it away from him. He slipped under the covers, listening to the muted noises of his friends cleaning up. The door clicked shut, and Patton was alone.

He’d always be alone.

#sanders sides fic #m writes things #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders

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jockeyholla · 5 years

Text

Bangkok and Beyond

Happy Fall,

Despite being in one of the biggest, most populated cities I have ever been in my life, I was serenaded to sleep by a chorus of frogs last night. Torrential rains flooded the streets in Bangkok yesterday & our trip home on the boat from the weekend market was quite the wild adventure. We did fine on the metro, though it's a bit too air-conditioned for my taste. Rather like whizzing along in a super smooth refrigerator car. Just installed in the last 15 years, new metro stops are still being created, a bit of a wacky miracle in such a gigantic city.

We just barely squeezed onto the local boat taxi, packed in like sardines. I almost lost John in the fray. A woman who got on beside me at the next stop, was pushing me so hard that I thought I was going to fall over & break everything in my shopping bag. Finally< I traded places with her & became suddenly aware of why she was trying so hard to get further inside the boat. Within seconds, approximately a bucket of water came off of the roof tarp and poured right down my back. I was more soaked than the front seat of Splash Mountain, but fortunately my pirate booty from the market stayed dry. Mostly it has just been a little bit of rain now and again, beautifully cooling when we get it.

We have been amazingly lucky to have an opportunity to see a Healer here in town, who is very famous within Thailand, but virtually unknown to the western world. Like my massage practice, his healing is known mainly by word-of-mouth. They say you have to have the right Karma to come see him, so I must' have done something right at some point. The healing takes about five minutes, but the taxi ride there is anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 and 1/2 hours. Then we have to get back, creating quite a full day. Fridays are easy because the turnaround time is quite good, but on Sundays when we go & wait in line with the locals, it'''''' is usually a few hours in the healing center. We are the only "flongs," foreigners, aside from our translator, a wonderful Aussie buddhist who has been here for nearly 40 years. We receive our sessions from an esoteric buddhist healer who lived as a hermit monk in a sacred jungle cave for ten years, until he was called to heal people. I feel like that is such an amazing amount of time to be silent & still. I cannot quite imagine the wisdom that one might procure from such a practice✨

His father was very familiar with the healing properties of the jungle herbs so each week we boil some to make a tea.The first one was for detoxification of the kidneys, second for cleansing the blood and then one that helps the ligaments & sinews. He treats the seven primary diseases in the first sessions, including cancer, diabetes, fatty liver disease, heart issues, and arthritis.There is a monk who lives in a temple next door to the healing center who, after being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer got treatments and he looks great.

We had a quiet week off the coast of Sumatra for John to go surfing. A beautiful island with shy monkeys and amazing kingfishers. Back to the mainland of Sumatra, a few days in the rainforest for me to see orangutans & for them to see me. We camped in the jungle for two nights, hiking straight up then straight down muddy, steep terrain. We saw some giant colorful hornbills, Thomas monkeys (my favorite new nickname for John on that trip), monitor lizards, something that looked like an iguana & a plethora of other beautiful birds. What a wonderful gift to get out of the city.

Upon our return to Thailand, we also spent a few days near the bridge over the river Kwai. Peaceful and beautiful, with a great old third class train ride 3 hours north of Bangkok.I believe it took us about 1&1/2 hours to get out of the city to the countryside & occasionally pass beautiful pools of giant lotuses.

A bit exhausted from our treatments, we spent the last week in the Bangkok visiting the Jim Thompson house, the weekend market & some other local sites. Great to get some Christmas shopping done so early.

Yesterday was our six year anniversary & we were lucky enough to get a very special Saturday “Prosperity treatment,” in between our normal routine. We dressed all in white, had special symbols called yans written in red ink on our backs, each side of our hands, and right on the hairline in the center of the foreheads. The treatment clears karma from past lifetimes & creates good fortune for the future. We asked weeks in advance for this treatment & I feel very lucky to have been able to receive it. The healer had one word after he wrote on us both & that was "clear," oh joy. I thought how wonderful & auspicious to have this fall on our anniversary. I felt so light & joyful afterwards & slept better than I have in forever. Today we are back for our Sunday treatments & tomorrow we will head north until Thursday to see the nature park, Khao Yai. If we are lucky, we will get to see elephants.

October Footnote: I have once again been delinquent in sending this & more time has passed.During our Bangkok visit we had an amazing & magical trip to Khao Yai with so many animals & insects, also a hot & beautiful trip up to the old Thai capitol, Aytthaya, visiting some ancient khmer style buddhist temples, and more down time in the city as those healings can really take it out of you. I think of it as a sort of fast forward healing from which one has to detox and catch up with oneself again.

We have finished our last treatments & travelled to a small beach community in southwest Java where I will get to relax at the beach & see tiny sea turtles released from a local hatchery. John hopefully will enjoy the surf.

Miss you and hope that life is lovely, healthy and joyous, Ahna-Kristen

HI EVERYONE,

Ahna-Kristen and I have been gone a month now. We were invited to go see a healer in Bangkok by one of her clients. The healer only sees people on Friday thru Sundays, and we go twice a week. On Fridays we get a body treatment and a facial treatment. On Sundays we get another body treatment. Fridays are super slow and there is usually no one there, or just a couple of other people, then on Sundays there are around twenty people and they have a big pot of food out for everyone to share. For each treatment we leave an offering of flowers incense, candles, these little coins and some money that we place in an envelope. Treatments are by donation only, so everyone gives what they can afford. About 98 percent of the people that see him are Thai, so very few white people go there and that makes us a bit of an oddity. We would be lost without the valuable help of our interpreter Jimmy, a 75 year old Aussie man who has lived in Southeast Asia for the last 45 years. We are staying in a hotel that is half a block for his apartment and he arranges a cab to take us the hour drive out to the treatment center. He interprets everything the healer tells us. During a treatment Anchon opens a point near my solar plexus and then lightly rubs his finger across my body. In some areas it creates extreme pain and feels like his finger is made of steel and on other areas I barely feel it at all. He is working with meridians, points and blocked energy.

As the story goes, he was a hermit monk and lived in a cave for more than ten years when celestial beings started to visit him and train him to become a healer. He said no initially, as he did not want to leave his life of solitude. They started writing on the walls of his cave, leaving him messages and teachings on how to heal people. After some time, he agreed to become a healer.

Our original plan was to see him once when we arrived, then go surfing in Indonesia for a month and come back and see him twice on the way home. After our first treatment, he told us if we came to him for a month he would send both of us back home healthy. So we decided to stay on after the surf trip. After our first treatment, we flew to Simelue, an island off of Northern Sumatra.

On my first surf paddling out I did a face plant on the lava reef while trying to duck dive a wave. Our surf trip was cut short by my accident, which took about three week for my face to heal from. This was a sign for me that I was supposed to head back for more healings. I had prepaid the surf lodge where we were staying and they where super generous, lettimg me postpone the rest of my paid stay for a week in September. That gave us six days before we could have our next treatment.

We headed up to Buket lawang to do a three day jungle hike to see the orangutangs and other creatures that live in the rainforest,

before flying back to Bangkok. We have now seen him 5 times, and are on a 12 day break back in Simelue enjoying the beach life, warm water and the quite. We will be going back to Thailand for another 4 weekends of treatment. Spending so much time in a big city like Bangkok makes me so grateful for my home in Aptos.

Well a month has passed and we are leaving for home in a few hours after spending two weeks in West Java surfing and relaxing at the beach. I had a lot of fun surf and feel really good after spending the 6 weeks with the healer. I am looking forward to being home and reconnecting with you all.

Love to you all,

John

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catmeme-moved · 5 years

Note

all of the asks! >:3

god ok

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

😏

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

i dont think i could date anyone who does any kind of drugs,, it makes me Very uncomfortable

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

its only 4 babey

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober...ive never been drunk

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

i guess?? it was in high school so i dnt think it rly counts since yknow, i was 16

7. What does your last received text say?

“jgdijgjfdivjdjdj me“

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

not enough times !!! i love kissing my gf

9. Where was your last kiss at?

in the parkinglot behind my dorm building

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

i saw both my sisters when i was home for break a few weeks ago

11. What do you drink in the morning?

coffey

12. Where did you sleep last night?

my bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

not rly? i think if relationships r hard then they arent rly meant to be

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

god i wouldnt have spent so much money

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

none at all ;3c

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

i guess rainy....overcast weather is my fav

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

my mom ! probably lots of other people too shjkdh lee is a fairly common name i think

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

i hope so!!!

20. Does anyone like you?

god i sure hope my gf does

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nop

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

ya thats why i kissed them ghksdjs

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

no one that i know personally.. there r some like celebrities and other famous ppl i dont like

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes i want a tattoo from a specific artist in my hometown!!!

25. In the past week have you cried?

i mean probably i dont remember though

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

a pug...i saw him in a donut shop

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

i dry off as im stepping out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

no bc jocks intimidate me

29. Do you think you’re old?

not really in the grand scheme of things.. im only 20 i still have decades ahead of me !

30. Do you like text messaging?

31. What type of day are you having?

its been ok! i spent time w my roommates downtown

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

i hav my septum pierced but a nostril piercing would b nice

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

cold..

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

i dont rly think theres such a thing as “opposite sex” since sex is also on a spectrum like gender

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship ! flings r nice i guess but i prefer the stability and commitment of an actual relationship

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

i thnik im fairly simple..idk

37. What song are you listening to?

when he died by lemon demon

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yea of course39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

my best friemd emily40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

theyre hot and funny and very kind!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

idk maybe an hour ago42. What is wrong with you right now?

im hungry and not being held by my gf43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

its my mom so fairly well i think44. Does anyone disgust you?

men45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

no bc im already dating someone46. Are you in a good mood right now?

i feel...neutral47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my roommate !48. What color shirt are you wearing?

its blue pruple n green tie dye49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

ya my history professor told me i had to read books50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

no one is coming to mind51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

i dont hate anyone!

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

almost gave up on ever being able to pet the raccoons outside the dining hall but someday ill be able to earn their trust

53. Do you like rain?

yes!!! 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

not rly ! as long as theyre safe about it ykwim55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

no i think ive told most of my crushes how i felt about them at the time 56. Do you like to cuddle?

god yes i love to hold and be held57. Are you shy?

its the social anxiety 58. Do you get along with girls?

i am a lesbian59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

we r dating !! 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

my phone and my peper spray 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

id do it for 10 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

ive been in my current one for 7 and my longest lasted 8 ! 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

yes! 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

anything my gf does is cute65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

my cat yawned when she tried to meow and made a weird squeak sound

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

18 (or maybe 19 now idk), 19, 20

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

i do them myself bc i hate spending money68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

ghgdh,....neither69. Do you have any stickers on your car?

i dont have a car yet 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

neither...i dont rly like eithr of those music genres71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?

im samsung bitch until i die72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?

its been months. maybe years. i dont like pizza73. Do you like diet soda?

i dont rly like any soda anymore tbh74. What color are the walls in your room?

plain white...f 75. Are you 16 or older?

bitche im 2076. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?

nop i dont even know waht its about77. Do you have a job?

yes i work in a library ! 78. What are your initials?

ylb79. Did you ever have braces?

no :^/80. Are you from the south?

nope im a pnw bitch

81. What does your last status on facebook say?

something about voting82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

ya shes my best friemd83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?

my mom.. fuck my dad !84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?

i vaguely remember attending a gymnastics class when i was like 5 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

uhh.. venom i think86. Do you smoke?

no never !!!87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?

flip flops. 88. Is your phone touch screen?

god how old are these questions. who has a phone that isnt touch screen now89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?

my hair is naturally curly !90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

no91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?

a pool..... rivers and lakes r scary92. Have you ever made out in a car?

not yet93. …Had sex in a car?

no that seems. . difficult. theres not very much room94. Are you single or in a relationship?

im in a luvly relationship95. What were you doing last night at midnight?

sleepin96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?

new years i think??97. Do you like the camera on your phone?

yea its pretty nice98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?

no but ik i wanted one before i got into my current relationship skdgjhj99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?

no but i did drink half a beer thing once and went to sleep bc i got a stomach ache100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

i dont even use facebook101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?

when i was in first grade id play “family” w my friend sometimes and she’d pretend to be the dad and i was the mom so we would spoon each other bc we thot thats what sex was and i thought she actually got me pregnant bc i was 7 and didnt know anything102. Name your favorite Kesha song:

the song blind slaps103. Do you have any tan lines right now?

no its winter and i also dont go outdoors104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

i hate wearing shorts

#vry sorry if the readmore doesnt work sdhgjkh #clouds06 #asko

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morethanamillennial · 6 years

Text

Peace Corps Vs. Teaching Abroad: Finding A Path After Graduation

In June 2017, I had just gotten back from an amazing experience of living in Europe for 7 months. First studying abroad in Paris, and then going on a three-week tour through the Scottish Highlands, small UK towns, and the AMAZING Snowdonia National Park in Wales (seriously, go look up pictures- LIFE. CHANGING.). With more than 10 more countries checked off in my Been app, I couldn’t wait to get back out into the world to explore some more. But the logistics of, how to pay for it and when I would have the time to go, settled in. The experience solidified my need for adventure and to live abroad once again after graduation. Determined to do just that, I thought of all the ways to make that possible and the most popular ways are either teaching abroad or volunteering in Peace Corps.

As my college career at Chestnut Hill College (CHC) came quickly to an end, like most graduates, I had been struggling with what I want to do with my degrees in psychology and global affairs. CHC let me expand my leadership skills, both academically and socially, as well as gave me a place to make new friendships, but figuring out the next steps for my life was on my mind 24/7. But let’s back track for a second.

I worked all last summer at a camp where I was able to meet girls from around the world in exchange programs working at other camps in the area. They served as my ticket to the world through their stories and adventures. As the end of the summer approached I was getting more questions by friends and family (though mostly family because they want to know what I am doing at all time) about what I was going to do after I graduate. THAT WAS THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION! All throughout my last year at university, I continuously was asked the same “what are you planning to do after graduation?”. In August of 2017, I started to sit down to really think about this question because I had no ideaand if anyone reading this is going through something similar I just want to say that THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL! I’d say that if you knew what you wanted to do or know where you wanted to apply for jobs, you’re in the minority and I envy you.

I sat in my room pondering this question with the help of YouTube videos (waaaay too many YouTube videos), books, and talking to my recent graduated friends. I had this dream of serving in Peace Corps, a US government program which sends US citizens to developing countries and work on projects in various fields (environmental, health care, economic development, etc.), ever since I had a teacher in high school who told me all about her experience within the program. I soon realized that after graduation would be the perfect time to do apply due to the long commitment of just over 2 years abroad. I decided to reach out to a recruiter and after many hours at Starbucks and revisions to my resume with his help, I applied to Peace Corps.

I had applied openly, which basically means that they would take my degrees (in my case global affairs and psychology) and place me in any country with any job they saw me as a good fit in. Quick side note: if there is a specific country or region or job you wanted to do within Peace Corps, I wouldn’t recommend this, but I was up for anything and applying this way would allow me to be considered for more placements which meant more of reality that I would be offered an invitation to serve. So, by August 2017 I was applied to Peace Corps and I started the agonizing waiting game the US government loves to play (no, but seriously if you taking this route be prepared to not hear back for months at a time). This of course gave me more than enough time to constantly worry and debate of whether I will get an interview which would lead to an invitation, but at least the hard part was over- or so naïve Cynthia thought.

Because I need to have a plan out every aspect of my life (seriously, it’s a problem), I researched other ways I could live abroad after graduation as a backup plan. I looked into nannying, woofing, working in hostels, but one job that stuck out to me was teaching English abroad. So, like everything I do, I turned to google and typed into the search bar “teaching English abroad jobs”. All these sites popped up with schools/ programs all around the world that wanted native English speakers, it was very overwhelming. Some wanted me to have a TEFL certificate (which I do not have), others wanted teaching experience (which I did not have), and others wanted an education degree (which I did not have), and some wanted you to pay to teach (which I was not doing because I am a broke bitch).

I had to narrow down my search to a continent and I chose Africa because it holds a special place in my heart after volunteering in Ghana for a period of time after high school. I once again stared at the search bar under the google logo and searched for African teaching positions and ended up finding a request to teach English in Ethiopia, which is in East Africa. I didn’t need a TEFL certificate and I didn’t need to have a teaching degree- PERFECT. I quickly sent my resume and heard a response back in October of 2017 asking for an interview.

At this point you might be thinking, “wait what about Peace Corps?” Well by the end of the summer I found out I was being considered for a health extension volunteer position in Benin (in West Africa- I had never heard about it before either). I was interviewed by August and then the waiting game started again. I wouldn't hear back from them again until December, but I will come back to that.

I was offered a position to teach English to third graders by School of Tomorrow in Ethiopia and for something that was supposed to be cause for celebration, it caused a panic for me as the questions came pouring in. Do I turn the position down to wait for Peace Corps? Do I accept the position and continue with Peace Corps if I get in? Do I email Peace Corps and rescind my application??? Needless to say, I was confused. So naturally, I turned to my trusty pros and cons list. In the end I decided to accept the teaching position and not say anything to Peace Corps just in case I didn’t end up getting into Peace Corps.

I decided to relax now about what I was doing after graduation and when people asked me about what I was doing after graduation, I would just say that I had options and that I was definitely moving to Africa. I was content and happy with that answer because my next adventure was starting to come together, and I would soon be leaving the US for at least a year, YAY! However, in December my world would be turned upside down when I finally I saw an email subject like that read, “Invitation to Serve”. Man did I ugly cry! My years of dreaming to serve in Peace Corps was going to be in a reality! I was going to be leaving September 15, 2018 for Benin as a health extension volunteer BUT (AND THIS IS AN ENORMOUS BUT), I had to pass medical and legal clearances. Long story short, with $1,000 spent, countless appointments at government services and EVERY SINGLE doctor imaginable (I needed teeth x-rays! Like what?!) and almost 4 months later, I did not get cleared to leave for Benin due to my past struggle with mental health. So again, more ugly crying occurred. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and Ethiopia was now my next destination!

It is now July 2018 and I have officially signed my contract with School of Tomorrow in Ethiopia and will be moving there by September 1. I am now preparing for the move of the lifetime by buying the Lonely Planet Ethiopia book and language book, along with the typical FB announcement, and of course dragging all my friends to Ethiopian restaurants to prepare for this next chapter of my life in Ethiopia.

So, for anyone thinking about what to do after college but know they want to get out to experience the world, look into these options but also the other ones I mentioned. From my experience, you have to be prepared for rejection and countless hours sending out resumes and waiting around for responses if living abroad is something you want to pursue. But the rush when you find out that you’ll be living in another country for a year and traveling as you go, is all worth the stress and uncertainty. I try to remind myself that just because I was brought up to get a conventional 9-5 office job and I have the degrees to potentially do so, does not mean that is what I have to do that anytime soon. There are so many options out there to live abroad and if it’s something you’re personally thinking about, I say GO FOR IT! Travel is the best way to understand and fall in love with yourself on a deeper level.

I don’t know what will happen in Ethiopia or the experiences I will get to have, but I do know that it’ll be an adventure. Life is meant to be experienced and that’s exactly what I plan on doing.

Happy travels, Cynthia

#life changing #life changing experiences #peace corps #teaching abroad #post grad life #university #ethiopia #teacher #teaching

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kafkasgods · 3 years

Text

ellis merchant BOT 09/30/2020 Ellis had found that his main concern when he went out at night wasn’t actually combating monsters at all, but combating his own boredom. Initially he’d managed to keep his focus on the border, spurred on by memories of the panic after Jo and Cass had crossed, but now? Several times four in the morning had rolled around to find Ellis out in the woods, playing games on his phone. A true hero in action.

There simply wasn’t enough to do. He could run through training exercises until his hands grew numb and his muscles ached, but with no one around but himself, the challenge swiftly became dull and repetitive.

Which was why tonight, shortly after eleven o’clock, he decided to try a different angle, and stood outside the Grapevine, eyeing the sign skeptically. He considered going in, but there was one bartender that he didn't need to see. Pulling out his phone, he wondered if it would be a waste of time and some of his precious patience to try and find out Jamie’s work schedule.

He was frowning down at it, trying to make his mind up who to text, when a pair of feet entered his field of vision. Glancing up, he winced, and tried to step out of the way, feeling oddly... guilty? Like he'd been caught doing something wrong, which he hadn't at all. She just had an unsettling way about her, in person—a result of her parentage, probably, but it still got under his skin. "Oh, hey—hey, Faaya. I was just... on my way in."

@Faaya Shah October 1, 2020

faaya shah BOT 10/01/2020 “I should hope so. I’m not sympathetic on loiterers,” Faaya drawled, looking over the slightly rattled man. It might’ve been her doing, and some of it definitely was, but Ellis’ mouth had been downturned and his brows minorly furrowed as he stared at his phone long before Faaya directed much of her attention his way. Maybe he was stood up. Whatever it was, didn’t seem like a great spot to be in. She wasn’t entirely emotionally involved, but his feelings could make a decent profit.

“Jamie’s not working tonight, if you were looking for him.” Hopefully that didn’t deter him considering he was friends with her most annoying bartender. She began walking towards the entrance, giving a nod of greeting to her bouncer. “But I’m sure I could get you a decent seat at the bar.” The man collecting the money gave Ellis an expectant look and Faaya paused, waiting for Ellis to follow.

@Ellis Merchant October 2, 2020

ellis merchant BOT 10/02/2020 Ellis’s eyes grew wide. It was like Faaya read his thoughts—that wasn’t a power that she could have, was it? He would’ve known, if that were the case, would he? But how else would she have guessed he was thinking about Jamie, of all people? And her tone was strange and he blinked in confusion. “I—I wasn’t looking for him, I want to avoid seeing him? But… good to know.”

When he moved to follow Faaya’s lead, and she stopped, and the doorman was looking at him, he only answered with another bewildered glance. “Oh, right.” Money. He hardly expected Faaya to waive the cover charge, for an acquaintance like him. It was hard to tell if she even liked him.

Ellis dug in his pocket and pulled out some crumpled bills, dumping them unceremoniously into the man’s waiting hand. He wasn't well practiced at this—could probably count on one hand the times he'd been to the Grapevine, and those had always been with friends, not on his own. Uncertainty over the wisdom of this whole thing was mounting again, definitely not helped by Faaya's presence.

@Faaya Shah

faaya shah BOT 10/02/2020 Faaya’s brow raised. “Avoid? Oh, did you guys get into an actual fight?” Hm. She could have sworn they were annoyingly chummy.

After Ellis paid, Faaya walked him through the club towards the back where the bar was, speaking a little louder over the music. “Huh. Well, he seems broken up about it because he’s been off. His skin is bad and he keeps picking up shifts. The only reason he’s not working tonight is because I made him. It’s terrible seeing him so often.” Normally, Faaya didn’t care to meddle, but if them making up made Jamie less annoying, then so be it.

As they approached the bar, the bartender didn’t need to be asked for Faaya’s drink, already preparing her a hibiscus tea. “Your fight can’t be doing you much good either since you’re here.”

@Ellis Merchant October 3, 2020

ellis merchant BOT 10/03/2020 ( tw alcohol mention )

Ellis felt his mouth dry up. “Did he say that?” His confusion mounted as he followed her in, hands digging into his pockets. Jamie had been very clear he’d never say anything about the kiss, but could Faaya have caught him out on the fight itself, or something? Maybe seen the bruises? Ellis’s mind began to race. How would she have seen him shirtless? But… it was Jamie, after all. He had a certain reputation. And Ellis had also personally managed to catch him shirtless a few times, it sometimes just happened…

Or maybe Jamie and Faaya were involved? It seemed plausible for a second, until she began dragging him for his appearance, and stated outright she didn’t want to see so much of him. It would've been amusing if he wasn't feeling so lost. “Oh, so… you two definitely aren’t…” He squinted at her and awkwardly trailed off, deciding it was safer not to finish the thought.

“I’m—I’m fine, honestly, just trying to beat boredom? We’d actually been doing better than usual, or… at least, that’s what I'd thought...” Was there something going on that he didn't know about?

...Gods, was he seriously considering checking up on Jamie?? He ran a hand over his face. "Can I just get a drink, please," he said weakly.

@Faaya Shah October 5, 2020

faaya shah BOT 10/05/2020 “More or less,” Faaya answered, sipping at her iced tea. It wasn’t like she and Jamie spoke without a couple threats in every conversation, so of course she wouldn’t hear things from the horse’s mouth; she just had to go off what she’d observed.

The last thing she expected to come out of Ellis’ mouth was that assertion. Still the snort that sounded off didn’t come from Faaya, and instead it was the bartender who was covering her stifles and waving her apologies. “Jamie’s not my type,” Faaya finally answered, darkly, pausing to give it some thought. “Maybe if he was funny.”

Ellis seemed like he was at a loss with himself and honestly, Faaya was used to being around people like that, so she didn’t may it much mind — Just waited for his drink to be poured. “Really? Huh, then I guess I might be wrong. Well then, if I am, do me a favor and cheer him up or something.” She wasn’t his friend so she certainly didn’t want to.

@Ellis Merchant October 9, 2020

ellis merchant BOT 10/09/2020 ( tw alcohol )

The funny thing about all of this—or, not funny so much as excruciatingly humiliating—was that before the dinner party, Ellis had thought about Jamie Stewart maybe... once a month? If that? They didn’t run in the same circles, and since Ellis and Betty had kept their friendship quiet and strictly in-the-workplace, their lives really only intersected whenever Jamie needed to be told he was wrong in the group chat or came around to bang on doors at Brookwood like the world’s least endearing salesman.

Now here Ellis sat, avoiding him like it was top priority, and even being asked to cheer him up? He glowered silently at his rum and coke. No more, he vowed. This had to stop. “I absolutely refuse,” he snapped.

Then he downed half of it, remembered where he was, that it was actually not Faaya’s fault, and winced. “Sorry, I know that's unhelpful but d’you mind if we talk about anything else?” He glanced around. “Actually, what do people do here when they’re on their own? Just drink in silence?” Was that an option? The idea appealed to him, but it also seemed highly pathetic.

@Faaya Shah October 10, 2020

faaya shah BOT 10/10/2020 It was one thing to say no to Faaya. It was another thing to bite her head off about it. Especially when the thing she’d requested was something, by most people’s standards, kind. Her head had whipped towards Ellis, giving him a sharp stare. The unease hold she had on the atmosphere around them only slackened slight at Ellis’ apology.

Fine. She resumed sipping at her own iced drink. Innately knowing exactly people’s boundaries, Faaya didn’t have any reason to push. “It’s a nightclub, Ellis,” she answered plainly. “They get drinks, they dance, sometimes they make-out. Whatever liberation they can get here. What kind of liberation are you looking for?”

@Ellis Merchant October 11, 2020

ellis merchant BOT 10/11/2020 ( tw alcohol mention )

It was a decent if somewhat baffling question. What kind of liberation did he need? With each passing second this felt more and more like the wrong place for him to be. Drinking was fine, he supposed, but it got boring fast. Making out with random people didn’t work for him, because besides the suggestion making him cringe, he was only interested in Sam at the moment and she quite clearly wasn’t here. Dancing was just... out of the fucking question. He wished the Arcade was still open.

“None of that really sounds like it’ll do it for me, but I figured it was worth a try," he confessed. "Think I’ll just finish my drink, pay, and get out before things get... weirder.” He knew it wasn’t exactly tactful to phrase it that way, but it was the honest truth, so if she resented him for it there wasn't much else he could do about that.

@Faaya Shah October 13, 2020

faaya shah BOT 10/13/2020 When it came to people, it was all or nothing with Faaya. Ellis was decidedly not going to be a friend. Having worded their encounter as ‘weird,’ Faaya knew he promptly asserted her negatively. That was fine and she was used to it, which was why she even had her own categories in the fit place. “Can I ask you something?” Faaya did not wait to be approved or denied and she certainly expected an answer. “Are your abilities balanced?” Everyone had known about his Nyx and Apollo heritage and Faaya had admit some curiosity to it.

@Ellis Merchant October 15, 2020

ellis merchant BOT 10/15/2020 He shrugged minutely, allowing the question, whatever it was. He had no way to know what she was likely to ask, but he expected it might be something to do with what he was doing in a nightclub if he didn’t actually enjoy any nightclub activities. Instead, he did a double take, and stared at her. “Uh, not.... not really?” he admitted. “They’ve never been balanced, more… each side tended to cancel out the other. I could access them sometimes but never with any sort of control. Now—” he glanced at her, wondering how much he should say.

“I spoke to Nyx, and she basically increased my access to her side of things, but I can’t access my Apollo side anymore,” he explained. “I figured that only one half of my supposed abilities was better than none at all. Why?” he asked her in return, then squinted. “Wait, you’re a legacy too, aren’t you?” He had genuinely forgotten, but something sparked in his memory.

@Faaya Shah October 16, 2020

faaya shah BOT 10/16/2020 The reason Faaya had asked in the first place was because as time went on, she found her powers growing in strength and getting harder to manage. So when Ellis answered, she couldn’t help but be surprised. Canceling out wasn’t something she’d thought was an option, but she guessed it made sense in some unfortunate way. Faaya sipped at her drink, suddenly noting the two opposite flavors of bitter and sweet. If Ellis’ parentage had any sense, they’d let him find some balance and the smartest one in that equation would be satiated with a nice, cold glass of hibiscus tea.

“I am,” Faaya answered. “People tend to think the aura of violence I have comes from Phobos instead of Enyo. Which I guess makes sense since I have a presence that precedes me. ” Finishing the last of her drink, Faaya puckered her lips and pushed the glass forward. It was swooped up in a second. “I don’t talk to her as much as Phobos and don’t have as much skills from her as possible, but unlike you, I’m in a situation where impressing one is impressing the other, so.”

Faaya turned her shoulders towards him, pointing a light finger in his direction. “Were you ever good at singing?”

@Ellis Merchant October 17, 2020

ellis merchant BOT 10/17/2020 He’d honestly kind of forgotten that her intimidating atmosphere came from her godly parentage, because it just seemed sort of… natural, on her. It did make him feel slightly better about himself, but no more at ease in a practical sense. Just that he had good reason to find her off-putting. He turned back to his drink, feeling awkward. “I have that effect sometimes, but I’m pretty sure it’s more ‘cause people can sense that I find them annoying,” he offered.

The question caught him off guard, again. “Uh, I mean… I can carry a tune? And play a couple instruments decently, but not like…” He paused, formulating the best explanation slowly. “Mezzie got all the real talent. I just have an inclination. And my dad taught me a lot growing up. But for me, music's just a way to unwind. Same goes for archery. No godly skills there, only a lot of hours of practice." His tone grew a little bitter, so he decided to stop there.

@Faaya Shah October 19, 2020

faaya shah BOT 10/19/2020 It was likely that Faaya cast the stone just as early as Ellis did because if she were being honest, she was surprisingly not hating his company. He was nothing like Jamie and she liked that his words actually had weight. “You don’t have to tell me about Mezzie’s talent. She sang to me about a dead bug.” There was a joke in there somewhere, but Faaya didn’t care to think too hard on it. What she did think she’d heard was some resentment, something she knew a mile off given that she was filled with it.

As a kindness, she waved for another drink for him. “I used to wish I was any other kid of a God, but I think I most fantasized about being Apollo’s. Maybe you and I have some things in common.”

@Ellis Merchant October 23, 2020

ellis merchant BOT 10/23/2020 ( tw alcohol )

He chuckled quietly.“That sounds like something she’d do.” He wondered if maybe Faaya wasn’t quite as bad as she seemed, and made a snap decision about it. “Actually, if you weren’t creeped out by that, she’d probably love to hear from you? With the whole… fame business, she kind of has a hard time being herself in front of people.”

Ellis barely noticed as his drink was replaced, as he was too busy computing what Faaya said. Maybe the first one had already begun to go to his head, a little, but he didn’t feel as awkward as he scoffed. “I mean, did I wish I was one of them at first? Yeah, course. But after a couple years you realize they can be fucking obnoxious. All that gold? Shining like the sun, armed with the gift of Rhyme?” He didn’t keep the scorn out of his voice. “They’re not exactly big on subtlety, y'know. I’m actually… kinda glad now. That I’m not one of them.” he sipped his new drink, the confession feeling like a relief to say out loud, even if it wasn't entirely true.

@Faaya Shah

faaya shah BOT 10/23/2020 Faaya raised a brow as she glanced at Ellis. “Are you trying to set us up?” It was kind of amusing and she was more than certain he was only doing it for Mezzie’s sake, but that didn’t take away from the fact that someone was suggestion Faaya for a friend. “It would probably validate you to know we’re acquainted and I don’t think we hate each other? Which is a marked improvement for most people, especially around here.”

Admittedly, Faaya laughed lightly at the tone he’d taken and the points he was making. “No, you’re right. I told Mezzie not to tell anyone, but she rhymed my name with 'heyya' and if I had to spend my entire life at camp hearing that, I would take my chances outside the protective barrier. Anyway, it’s too late in the game for me to think I’d be better anywhere else.” She was quiet for a moment, lightly brushing the condensation on her cup. “I kind of wish I could be drinking with you.”

@Ellis Merchant October 25, 2020

ellis merchant BOT 10/25/2020 ( tw alcohol & death mention )

He shrugged one loose shoulder, feeling more relaxed than he expected. “I don’t think she’d care if I did, but who knows.” Predicting Mezzie’s moods was a terrible idea at the best of times, but given how open she’d been about wanting more friends, he thought it was a safe bet. “Epineios is not exactly the hub of socialization that she’s used to back in Hollywood. Aside from being a bit intimidating, you don’t actually seem that bad to me?”

That was dangerously close to a positive assessment, but it was true. He glanced at her. “Aren’t you the manager? Who's going to tell on you, if you do?” He opted not to mention that he was fairly sure he’d seen the bartenders drink with customers on occasion. "It's war time." He nudged her stool with a foot. "Live a little, while we all still can."

@Faaya Shah

faaya shah BOT 10/25/2020 The compliment seemed obvious since Faaya felt the same way. “Likewise,” was all she said about it. She did, however, laugh quietly at his astute observation. “Since I took up the mantle, I’ve had to work hard on running a tight ship here. My predecessor had a more laissez faire approach, so I’m sure you can guess what it's like trying to change years of habit in, now, my staff.” Faaya lifted her shoulders. “I’m also not the most likeable person, so really, all I’ve got is my work ethic and if I give Jamie or Dayn or whoever any ammunition, they’ll never let me hear the end of it.”

@Ellis Merchant October 29, 2020

ellis merchant BOT 10/29/2020 He winced in understanding, and nodded. “When I took over the archives at the library, well. Last time anyone bothered doing that was the 90s? I probably breathed more dust than air, for the first month.” But at least his job didn’t involve other people to the same extent, nor the amount of responsibility that running a business had to carry with it. He snorted lightly. “I mean, makes sense you wouldn’t want to risk it. but honestly if they said anything about you taking a break for like, one night? That’s fucked up."

"I’d fight them for you,” he offered charitably. “I mean, I’d beat Jamie's ass for any reason, and I have before. And Dayn doesn’t seem that intimidating, not compared to most of the people I train with.” Maybe he was bragging a little, but he did feel safe in the knowledge that he could take down people a lot bigger than him, unless they were divinely gifted in combat skills or something.

@Faaya Shah

faaya shah BOT 10/29/2020 The library wasn’t exactly a place Faaya frequented since reading as a hobby had become put on the backburner as life had its way, but talking to Ellis made her miss it. “It is fucked up, but I do thrive off the moral superiority. Or at least I’ve been told that, so.” She lifted her shoulders with a slight amused exhale. “What’s the library like? I’ve only been like in and out, but do you do community stuff in there? And do have any like...Demigod books?” It only just occurred to her if there were some, maybe she’d find something useful.

At Ellis’ offer, Faaya blinked, before smiling just a little. Either Ellis really hated her staff or they were friends. What a strange turn of events. “I do plan on taking you up on that sometime, Ellis. Is there anything I can do for you?”

@Ellis Merchant

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socialjusticeartshare · 3 years

Text

Immigrant Teens Say They're Being Forcibly Drugged in US Custody

"When I get mad they give me shots."

In October 2019, a teenage boy crossed the U.S. border into Arizona alone, fleeing for his life after being assaulted and threatened by gang members in Mexico. He’d hoped to find safety in the U.S, but instead, according to court filings, he ended up at a Texas children’s hospital where he’s been heavily sedated and forcibly injected multiple times over the past six months.

When an attorney visited the 16-year-old in November, she described him as having “a glazed over, vacant expression much of the time.” He told her he’d been taking around 20 pills per day.

“I want to leave because when I get mad they give me shots,” said the boy, whose name is redacted in the public court filings. “I think the last time was about a month ago. When they give me a shot, it makes me feel sad. And then I will sleep for a day. When I wake up after, I feel desperate. My body feels desperate.”

In the last months of the Trump administration, other immigrant youth in government custody have been drugged and isolated for long periods, according to court records. The documents describe children languishing for months, including a young “nonverbal” girl who was separated from her father at the border over a year ago and is now unable to directly communicate with her family in Guatemala.

The shocking descriptions, which have not previously been reported, were filed as part of a long-running lawsuit against the federal government over its treatment of “unaccompanied minors,” children who arrive at the border alone, often fleeing violence or abuse in Central America. Lawyers in the case say six such kids in the custody of the Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR) were held indefinitely at Nexus Children’s Hospital in Houston, with at least three placed on “excessive medication.”

Leecia Welch, an attorney with the National Center for Youth Law, visited Nexus on Nov. 13 and initially found it to be “a typical medical facility” for children, with brightly colored hallways and an outdoor play area, according to a declaration she filed in federal court. But when she began speaking with three kids in the behavioral health wing at Nexus, Welch noticed they appeared to be groggy and dazed.

Welch, who noted that she has interviewed “hundreds of children in government custody,” including in psychiatric hospitals, said the 16-year-old told her he had trouble sleeping, a problem he never had in Mexico and attributed to his heavy medications. He described spending hours alone in his room watching TV, and leaving for therapy, meals, and activities, but never school.

“I do not have school here,” he said. “I have not had any school at Nexus the entire time I have been here.”

Know anything about conditions in migrant detention centers? Email [email protected] or [email protected].

It was a stark contrast to the shelter in Arizona where the boy had first been housed in the U.S., which he said allowed a trip to the museum and more time outdoors. Then, in January 2020, he described being awoken at 3 a.m. and told to pack his things. He was sent to a more restrictive facility in Washington state, which he said did not allow him outside. His next stop was Nexus, where he said staff had also placed him in physical restraints.

“When I get angry, I know how to calm myself,” he said. “They use physical restraints when I get angry but that makes me angrier. But it’s been a month that I haven’t been angry. I am doing better. I was told I would leave soon.”

A fifteen-year-old that Welch interviewed “appeared to be so overmedicated he could barely talk or maintain eye contact” during their 20-minute conversation. The boy’s speech was slurred, and he mostly “lay in bed drooling and staring blankly at his TV,” Welch wrote. “He did look at me intensely for one brief moment and asked when he could go home.”

A spokesperson for the Department Health and Human Services’ Administration for Children and Families, which oversees ORR, declined to comment, citing ongoing litigation.

A spokesperson for Nexus Health Systems, which runs Nexus Children’s Hospital, gave a statement saying the company “has provided superior medical care to children for over 20 years.”

“Although due to healthcare privacy constraints we cannot comment on the care of specific patients, we stand by our clinicians’ decision-making and our associated clinical policies and procedures,” the statement said. “Nexus’ focus in every case is—and will remain—the well-being of our patients.”

As part of a 1997 court settlement known as the Flores agreement, federal authorities are supposed to transfer unaccompanied minors from Border Patrol custody to a state-licensed childcare facility within 72 hours, or release them to a relative or sponsor living in the U.S. But in some instances, these children require more intensive care than a typical group home or shelter can provide due to medical or behavioral issues.

Nexus describes itself on its website as “a child’s home away from home during recovery from complex medical issues,” including those with behavioral problems “who may have been unsuccessful in traditional rehabilitation environments.” According to court filings, Nexus is an “out-of-network facility” that contracts with ORR to care for immigrant youth until they can be sent elsewhere, such as a foster home in the U.S., a group home with a less-intensive level of care, or back to their home country on a deportation flight.

Intensive hospital stays are supposed to be brief—usually only a few days until the child is stabilized and can return to a more normal setting. But four of the six kids that Welch found at Nexus had been there for longer than six months.

She described meeting a 15-year-old girl who’d been sent to Nexus “due to her weight, diabetes, and issues with her knees.” The girl said she’d been at the hospital for seven months and was still being held there even after meeting a weight loss goal set by a doctor, which she was told would allow her to leave. The girl said she preferred the freezing-cold Border Patrol “hielera” holding cell where she was first detained after crossing the border.

“I liked the hielera better than here because of how they treat people here,” the girl said. “It’s not well. They don’t treat people well. They try to be rude to me, but I don’t let them get away with it. They are not nice to the other kids.”

The mother of a fourth immigrant child held at Nexus, described by Welch as a 2-year-old with “very serious medical needs,” declined to speak with the attorney. As Welch prepared to leave the Houston facility, she said staff mentioned they had a fifth patient who came from federal government custody and had been there “a very long time.”

Welch described being led to a section of the hospital for kids with more intensive physical health needs and entering a room to find “a small child with perfectly coiffed pigtails under a pink Minnie Mouse blanket.” The girl, Welch said, “was connected to machines and was unable to move or establish eye contact.”

The girl appeared to be well cared for, but Welch later learned she had been separated from her father in August 2019 after they crossed the border together. Her father, Welch said, “was deported before his daughter was in a position to safely return to home country with him; they remain separated and without any direct contact.”

Welch noted that, “although this child has now lived far longer than her predicted life expectancy, her long-term prognosis remains poor, and without swift intervention, she and her father may never see one another again.”

Welch declined to be interviewed, citing the pending litigation, but said the government needs to do a better job of monitoring and tracking the care that children receive.

“We just don't know how many other children are going into hospital settings and having these things happen,” Welch said. “Even if ORR wanted to, they couldn't go online and tell you, ‘This many kids have been forcibly injected over the last six months.’ They just don't have the data; I find it horrifying. It's just a black box.”

Robert Carey, who led ORR under the Obama administration, said he could not recall any incidents during his tenure where immigrant youth were subjected to forced injections. Carey said such measures would only be appropriate as a last resort in cases where children had “severe mental health needs.”

“At minimum, an investigation would be conducted to determine if in fact that was happening and, if so, why, and what oversight was being conducted or in place by ORR staff,” Carey said.

Carey said he expects the incoming Biden administration to overhaul ORR, which falls under the umbrella of the Department of Health and Human Services. Under Trump, the agency has been involved in multiple scandals, including the failure to reunite families that were separated at the border under the so-called “zero tolerance” policy.

“Children have been poorly treated, obviously. Laws and standards appear to have been violated. It’s not good.”

“It’s been politicized,” Carey said. “Children have been poorly treated, obviously. Laws and standards appear to have been violated. It’s not good.”

The Nexus allegations aren’t the first time the Trump administration has been accused of providing questionable medical treatment to immigrant youth. In April 2018, plaintiffs in the Flores case filed court documents describing how multiple children at Shiloh Treatment Center near Houston were held down and injected with psychotropic medications. In one incident, a girl claimed a Shiloh staff member threw her against a wall and choked her until she fainted.

Shiloh issued a statement in 2018 denying any wrongdoing and maintaining that children at the facility “have been found to be properly cared for and treated.” The judge overseeing the Flores case ordered the government to abide by Texas laws on the administration of drugs to minors, and to remove them from Shiloh unless they pose “a risk of harm to self or others,” a determination to be made by a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist.

Scott Lloyd, a former ORR director under Trump, told VICE News that forcibly medicating minors can be justified in cases where they have severe mental health issues and may be behaving aggressively. He emphasized that staffers, operating in deeply difficult situations, typically have the best interests of children at heart.

“As bad as it sounds, when you get down into the details of it, it’s actually something that you see happening every day in families,” said Lloyd, who was first thrust into the spotlight after he personally refused to let detained immigrant girls undergo abortions, spurring an ACLU lawsuit. “Even when it’s antibiotics, sometimes kids just don’t want to take drugs, but that’s just what they need at the moment. And on top of that, you have teenagers who just don’t want to do anything that you tell them to do because they’re teenagers.”

A 2018 report by Reveal from the Center for Investigative Reporting found that housing and supervising immigrant children for the federal government is big business, with $3.4 billion paid out to 71 companies, including Shiloh, over a four-year period. Nearly half of that money went to homes with serious allegations of mistreating children, Reveal found, including shelters accused of neglect and sexual and physical abuse.

Beyond the Flores case, forced injections have been a point of litigation in a separate class-action lawsuit filed on behalf of immigrant youth held in “highly restrictive psychiatric facilities” and jail-like “secure” detention centers. The suit claims kids end up trapped in such places for months or years, with no hearings or protections to provide a path out.

“I felt like I had no one to help me and no option but to take the daily medication,” said one child quoted in court records. In that case, staff at Shiloh would allegedly “force the child’s mouth open if they tried to refuse to take the medication.” Others were given forced injections.

“Two staff grabbed me, and the doctor gave me an injection despite my objection and left me there on the bed,” one child said, according to court filings.

Since March 21, the Trump administration has turned away thousands of unaccompanied minors on the grounds that they present “a serious danger of the further introduction of COVID-19” into the U.S. Under an order signed by Trump, at least 8,300 children who traversed the border alone have been detained by the Border Patrol and sent back to Mexico or their home countries, according to CBP data provided to lawyers in the Flores case.

The same bunch of Nov. 23 court filings that detail the situation at Nexus also describe grim conditions at a Border Patrol outpost in Weslaco, Texas. A lawyer in the Flores case visiting to monitor conditions found an 8-year-old boy from Guatemala who said he’d been separated from his mother for two days. They crossed the border together, he said, but she was sick and could barely walk. The boy saw his mother loaded onto an ambulance, while he ended up as the only child on a bus full of adults headed for a Border Patrol station, where he’d been waiting for her since.

“I am alone in my room,” the boy said. “I do not know why I am alone. It makes me feel abandoned. I feel very alone. I have been completely alone for an entire day. I am sleeping on a cushion that is on the floor. I do not have a pillow, but I do have a thin silver nylon blanket. I use my coat as a pillow. I am the only one in the room when I sleep. It is very cold. It is always very cold.”

Asked about the court filings, Tom Gresback, a spokesperson for U.S. Customs and Border Protection in the Rio Grande Valley, said: “As a matter of policy, CBP does not comment on pending litigation. Lack of comment should not be construed as agreement or stipulation with any of the allegations.”

In September alone, according to CBP data referenced in court filings, at least 36 kids were held in Border Patrol stations for more than three days, including 16 for over five days. Among them were a 6-month-old infant (held 13 days), a 5-month-old infant (15 days), and a 2-month-old infant (16 days). The monitor who visited the Weslaco station said children reported being housed in cells with 16-20 others, with no social distancing, soap, or hand sanitizer.

“Many children reported that they were very cold,” wrote the monitor, Denise A. Rosales. “During an interview, one child commented on how nice the sun was. She said she had not seen the sun in over two days.”

In a Dec. 4 court hearing in the Flores case, attorneys for immigrant youth and the government said they are close to finalizing a settlement agreement that could lead to “steps forward” on conditions for unaccompanied minors detained at the border.

The issues of forced injections and lengthy stays in restrictive psychiatric or jail-like settings are being litigated in a separate case, with a trial currently set for March. In the meantime, the 16-year-old who’d been forcibly injected still remains at Nexus.

The teen said he hopes to leave the hospital soon. He has plans for his life.

“I will be happy when they give me the good news that I'm leaving this place,” the boy said. “My dream is to be a firefighter. It's my dream to help people.”

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#drugged border kids #forcibly drugged immigrant teens #border tragedy

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schizophelia · 6 years

Text

February 21st, 2018: Journal

Okay. I’m agitated but I’m going to try to write a journal for today as it was a productive day.

Woke up early but fell back asleep. I woke up to music playing and voices talking. But they weren’t singing to the music... they were just talking over it. Anyway, the music stopped playing but the voices remained for the day. I think that was one of the reasons why I am so agitated lately. Things are not good.

Dad make broccoli with cheese for lunch which was good. After lunch we went to town to get the car looked at because there’s an oil leak somewhere. The dealership where we got it had to look at it. They couldn’t find the leak because it was really oily under the car so they shampooed the car and want us to drive it over the next week or so and then take it back in to get it looked at again to see where the leak is. We’ve only had this car since August- not very long. We hardly drive it (it literally sits in our parking lot and we drive the other shitty car until it breaks down like it usually does). It was pre-owned but they shouldn’t have sold it to us if it had an oil leak. So my parents are kind of frustrated with that. But it’s okay.

After we got home from town, we let the dogs out to play for a bit and then my dad and I watched a movie until my mom got home. I think the movie was called “Red Dawn” on Netflix. It was an okay movie. I had a hard time sitting still and watching it. My dad was complaining because I wasn’t still and kept making noise. My focus and concentration were horrible. We took breaks throughout it. My mom came home towards the end of the movie and after the movie we ate dinner. That was fine. Then we watched the 6pm news. There is a boy missing because of all the flooding that we had over the past couple of days. It rained so much that the snow melted and flooded roads and rivers. Basements were flooded in several towns and cities. It’s wicked, really. I haven’t seen a flood this bad in years. And there is more rain coming on Friday. Luckily our basement didn’t flood and neither did our shed because my dad dug out a path for the water to travel away from the shed before the rain actually came.

I showered today after not showering for a few days. My mom told me I had to so I did. They have to remind me to take care of myself and my room because I don’t do it otherwise. It’s not because I don’t want to... it’s because I can’t find the motivation or energy to do it. When my mom or dad reminds to shower, I have to do it because they’ll kick me out if I protest and I don’t have a back-up plan on where to go if they do. I’m just staying here until school starts in September... if I get into the school I want.

I don’t think I will study Psychology at University. My mom made a point about me not being able to handle 8-10 years of school to become a clinical psychologist like I hoped to do. I haven’t been in school for 3 years almost. I can’t concentrate on a movie for an hour... how am I going to sit through 3 hour lectures and stuff? In addition to my University applications, I also applied to Colleges for Child and Youth Care, Social Service Worker, and Pharmacy Technician programs at various Colleges. I got into the Pharmacy Technician program but that is my back-up plan if I don’t get into the other programs at the other College I hope to go to. That’s where my best friend attends for Computer Programming.

My best friend is really sick. She’s not attending classes, sleeping properly, or taking care of herself. Her ex boyfriend (who is also a friend of mine) and messaged me and said that she drunk texted him one night. That’s not like her because she literally hates alcohol. It started with OCD for her where she HAD to clean the entire upstairs of her shared house before she could sleep. She said she wouldn’t sleep because she had to clean. Then she became very depressed and stressed. I’m concerned about her because she’s been my friend for years. Probably 10+. We went to elementary school together. She’s my best friend and I want her to get the help she needs. She and her doctor agreed not to change her Zoloft yet when they met last month. Her doctor thought her sleep was impacting her depression but I think it’s her depression impacting her sleep. I told her to ask to switch antidepressants because I don’t think the Zoloft is helping. I’ve been on a lot of medications and know when it’s time to tell someone it’s not working. She’s been on it since September or October and she’s not any better. She said she sees her doctor this week. Hopefully they get it sorted out soon.

Today I saw a demon dog and heard the sound of the mutant the government agents sent out months ago. It hasn’t hurt me yet but it’s intimidating. I didn’t see mutant yet today but I could hear it lurking in the shadows of my mom and dad’s bedroom. It growled at me. When I do see it, it’s huge. Like, I’m talking as tall as the ceiling. As for the demon dog, I used to see them all the time. They belong to the shadow demons. They mean harm. But I think the one I saw today didn’t hurt me because my dad was there. They prey on when I am alone. Sometimes they chase me. They were one of the reasons why I never went outside when this whole mess started back a few years ago. This isn’t anything new.

The voices are singing to the song I am listening to but they aren’t really getting the words right. It’s one of my favourites too and they’re ruining it. My one friend asked me if I thought things were getting worse. Honestly, I don’t know. They never really got that much better. Maybe a little since the Invega increase weeks ago but not much. I still hear voices... I still see things. And according to my friends, I’m still having delusions. One stranger on the internet said I’m living in a false reality... a major delusion and until I realize that, I won’t get better. I’m trying, okay? How to I abandon everything I’ve known for a long time to something else just because someone else tells me it. Like how do I gain the trust enough to believe you all? How? Because I’m having one hell of a time over here. I feel like I know the truth. That everything everyone tells me is a lie. This is a nightmare for me.

I’ve been sleeping okay. Sometimes I need naps during the day but for the most part, I sleep okay. I don’t know where I would be without the Temazepam. I probably wouldn’t sleep without it. Now I get a few hours of sleep each night. It’s nice to be able to sleep again. I hate lying awake all night with nothing to do like I was doing before the Temazepam. Temazepam isn’t supposed to be taken long-term but it’s the only thing that’s helping me sleep right now. And I know I need it to sleep. There was a point when I tried 15mg of it to sleep but it stopped being effective so I increased in to 30mg (my dose range is 15mg-30mg so I am okay). Speaking of Temazepam, it’s almost time to take it. I will take it when I finish this journal for the day.

My appointment with my social worker was cancelled yesterday. But I meet with my doctor on Friday at 1pm if I got the time correctly. I doubled checked when I went to pick up my Fetzima last week and the secretary said it was Friday. I was confused because normally he doesn’t do OP (out-patient) on Friday. But I think he is because my appointment got cancelled and because of Family Day this past Monday. Hopefully things go smoothly because I need to tell him some things that my friends pointed out... and soon. It’s been almost 6 weeks since I’ve seen him and that’s a long time. Normally my wait time is 3-4 weeks. My friends think I need to see him more often but I don’t want to because the drive there to see him takes like 40 minutes. I see my social worker every 1-2 weeks. Though it’s been more than 2 weeks since I’ve seen her because she cancelled yesterday due to the fog. That’s okay. My mom said it was really thick and that there were vehicles in the ditch on the way to work yesterday morning. I have a feeling that my doctor’s appointment will get cancelled again or there will be some sort of complication on Friday. Why? Because every time I need to see him, I can’t. It’s just how it works. I don’t get my hopes up for things like these because I often get disappointed.

I know there are some of my friends that are struggling right now and if you guys ever see this, please stay strong. You are loved and I want you to know that. I think about you all the time and when I’m not talking to you, I’m thinking about you. Please hold on. I know life is hard and stuff, but there are good moments too. You can’t have good without the bad. You don’t deserve any bad things that happen to you, but those are the cards you were dealt. It sucks, I know. But I’m here if you ever want to talk. My inbox is always open. I may not know what to say sometimes, but I am always there to lend an ear. Okay? Please hold on. Please don’t give up. You’re all so beautiful and I love you. Sometimes I may not show it, but I do. You mean a lot to me and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of you. <3

Meds Invega 9mg Fetzima 80mg Temazepam 15-30mg (Taking 30mg)

#personal #journal #medication #Invega #Fetzima #temazepam #agitated #voices #family #friends #college #university #appointment anxiety #delusions #hallucinations #i love you #stay strong

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tiredrant · 4 years

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my first relationship.

I often wonder if one of my friends remember that call I made when I discovered that my ex-boyfriend (let's refer to him as 'X') was cheating on me (with someone that we’ll refer to as ‘Y’). I remember hysterically sobbing and probably explaining, rather poorly, my situation to her while she kept asking me where I was and if I was safe. It was one of the worst moments of my life. I made terrible decisions throughout my last few years of high school and most of my memories should include X, despite the fact that I cannot remember them nowadays.

Even to this day I'm not really sure how I really knew. I was just walking down my street at night and X and Y were together. They both acted as if they did not notice me there. I did not even get that good of a look at him, but I just knew. I knew because I felt that throbbing pain in my chest. I didn't know anything about her and he never mentioned her much either. Y was just this girl who fucked one of the people we knew and that was that. That was the only story I had ever known.

As much as I wanted to soothe my heartbreak with the fact that other people had ill thoughts towards Y it honestly did not help whatsoever. Time was the only thing that could make all the pain fade away and it hurt like a bitch. I can never truly comprehend why I stayed for two years. Even now I have problems with trusting people. I trust the wrong ones and distance myself away from those that truly care about me. This was evident in the fact that my first relationship was deeply rooted in abuse from the beginning. And as all abusive relationships go, it only got worse from there.

To be completely truthful, after a year of mistreatment I lost all my patience and became abusive, too. I am ashamed of the fact that I let myself become that way and did not recognize that a relationship shouldn’t make me cry every night. Every so often I wish that I could turn back the clock because I miss who I was before X. In the duration of the time spent with him, I turned paranoid and crazy. I kept making excuses for him treating me so badly and convinced myself that it will get better. Despite seeing my friends everyday at school I felt so far away. It was all my fault. I isolated myself from them because X always demanded me to be with him and made me feel guilty if I didn't give him attention. I kept falling for his toxic displays of love and I ended up degrading myself whenever I crawled back to him.

Now I have no idea what real love is. I don’t feel a truly deep connection to anyone. I become too attached to people but weirdly I do not feel the genuine feelings of companionship that should accompany it. I feel so fucked and that I’m wasting my time and my life will become boring and meaningless.

Anyways, I know that no one I know will be reading this because they will probably never come across this, so I will just be straightforward with something that I was afraid of admitting for a long time as well as now. I’ve only mentioned this to two people that I barely even talk to now, which was so stupid because they are famous for blabbing shit around. I am so afraid of what my friends and family will think of me. They already seem to look down on people who did what I did. My own mother would probably think that I’m a slut and disown me.

I got sexually involved with X.

Before him I honestly believed that I would save myself for marriage, which is still partially true, but I broke my own rule last summer. At the start of our relationship, he said he was okay with waiting until our first kiss but became impatient when we were about five months in. Maybe it was normal for couples to kiss earlier, but I wasn’t ready. I still remember the day it happened. It was October 20th, 2017. I was supposed to break up with him, but he kept saying that he really wanted to celebrate my birthday together because my family never really did anything special. If only I knew that I was being taken advantage of then. It then escalated a couple months later when he found that kissing wasn’t enough for him. He suggested that we touch each other. I finally gave in when I was still hurting from my knee injury and couldn’t think of any more excuses. I gave in because I started to believe that maybe the things he was doing to me wasn’t actually abuse since I started to find some kind of twisted comfort in him, instead I convinced myself it was love. Luckily, I never let myself give in whenever he would push me to actually have sex. He would always come close, but I had to force him to stop. At one point, I think he got tired of me saying no and that’s where he started to hurt me more and more.

The first time I started to fear him was when we had an argument about something I don’t even remember now, and he was yelling as he followed me in the rain. When I continued to ignore him and headed home, he smacked his umbrella into the ground repeatedly until it broke.

Things like this kept on happening until I snapped. I realized that I wasn’t being treated right and started to yell and look through his phone. I should have just left. I really should have just left. I found that he created a new account on Instagram to look at other women and like their half naked pictures. It was something that I explicitly told him made me uncomfortable, so when I thought he had stopped, he just found another way to bypass me. It made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I started to express my anger and frustration through hitting him after I found out. First it started with hitting him with a pillow, then my palm, my fist, then my nails. It escalated about the same way with him.

I remember this one fight we had, we were in a secluded walkway in-between houses in his neighborhood. We had this big argument and he tugged my bag while I was walking away. This was around the time that I had knee surgery, so it was still difficult for me to run. He grabbed at my shirt, carried me over his shoulder, and threw me down when I begged him to let me go. He then broke a penny board that he had borrowed from his friend on purpose since he was so angry. A neighbor noticed this fight and asked me if I wanted to call the cops. I can’t even begin to explain how terrible I looked. I was dripping in sweat from the physical altercation, snot dripping down my nose, my belongings from my bag all over the ground. My voice was still shaking as I explained to him that I was alright and that it was okay. But that was never okay, and I wasn’t in the slightest bit alright. I came back to his house and for some sick reason I forgave him and everything went back to its warped “normal”.

There was this other particular time we physically fought and I was walking down to his basement to cool down, that he forcefully dragged me out, again with the same fresh knee injury, and carried me out his front door. I was fighting to be let go and ended up falling down the cement stairs with him. As a result, I was bleeding down my left elbow and he did not show any concern. I still have the scar from that day, albeit its so tiny compared to the amount of blood that trickled from it to my hand.

I know there were more instances of abuse than I can remember right now, but I will write it down as I remember. I would speak to my friends about this, but I feel like my problems mean nothing compared to theirs. Everyone has their secrets, and these are mine. I will tell them one day, but probably not anytime soon.

It’ll probably end up being like that one January where I felt like life was no longer worth living. We’ll mention and cry about it once, and I’ll go back to my life as if it were normal, just like how I went to school the next day as if it were any other day. It was a little bit funny to me, how I could have easily not have been there anymore and none of my class mates would have a clue. I was even scolded by my teacher for handing in late homework. Little did she know. I don’t think anyone knows the exact reason why I was pushed over the edge that day either. It was because of him. It was because he entered my life. It was him that told me to kill myself.

So I tried. And failed.

Now, as I am wrapping this up, I realized the word to describe my experience. I was groomed by X when I was 15 years old.

#abuse #my story #relationships

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