#honestly i restarted this so many times and i'm still not happy but it's the best i can do
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being in true sexyman nostalgia mode today (on account of. IT'S BEEN ONE YEAR BABY.) i think one of the most fascinating things about it is that we will never manage to do that again. like, not in a "we couldn't organize it better" way; there were better ways to do the spreadsheet, we would just turn off comments on posts and anon asks from day one so that we wouldn't then get people accusing us of censorship while we tried and failed to control the tide of things that ended up in the comments and inbox, we'd definitely have a WAY higher non-hermit contingent, both thanks to qsmp and thanks to the sexyman blog and medusa now having MUCH wider reach to other corners of the fandom and the original spread not all rooting at me, etc.
but the reason we couldn't do it again is that i don't know if we could ever replicate the exact circumstances that lead to it blowing up quite to the extent it blew up.
it was while tumblr polls and doing tumblr poll brackets on tumblr itself was still new-ish, and people were still excited about them. the idea of a mcytblr bracket was basically brand new; i won't claim we did it FIRST (because i have no idea if we did and doubt we did), but certainly we did it big first. so there's that; we can never again invent in real time "shit people are sending us threats about fraud lets legalize fraud because its funny, we can't stop it, and that neutralizes that drama as a thing anyone will take seriously", and then in turn accidentally invent a fandom culture of. um. wide-spread voter fraud.
(i don't know if we should apologize for, uh, causing the specific way mcytblr voter frauds. i still think it was better than the alternative at least, especially after seeing how so many other polls crashed and burned after us. there were MANY things we could have done better but i have seen SO MANY ways we could have done things worse since then so i think we came out looking pretty okay.)
but also: february 2023 was a very different time in mcytblr. we were in a hermitcraft dead period, where most of the hermits were either on vacation or playing tcg (which was fun, but didn't end up generating that much fandom activity by that time in february). the former dsmp crew was very much doing Nothing (and in that awkward space when the entire fandom knew dsmp 2 was never happening, but also people were still claiming it would happen, so it was just... busy waiting). qsmp didn't exist yet. there was no ongoing life series and wouldn't be for some time. i think even the dominioners and lifestealers were in a fairly dead zone. there was very little new for people to be excited about, mcyt content-wise.
enter: our poll. our poll which cleo then thinks its funny to call out on twitter. our poll, which was not only new mcyt content for the fandom to interact with (thanks to the fact we KEPT GETTING CC INTERACTIONS???), but participatory.
for about two weeks, we were the mcyt event de jour.
and like. the thing is. now we're in february 2024. mcyt is BOOMING. a new hermitcraft season JUST STARTED. we came off of vault hunters before that. meanwhile, qsmp just restarted and is, if i'm understanding correctly, booming. they just added a new guy! the two current juggernauts of the fandom are in FULL SWING. i honestly think we'd be somewhat overtaken by the fact things are actually happening in fandom. there's stuff to do that ISN'T go insane about a poll.
and it's not new, and we've seen it all before now, and frankly, it's hard to cause a mass hysteria event TWICE. lightning in a bottle, as they say.
i think part of the reason we all just REMEMBER mcytblr sexyman so much is that we could never, ever recreate it, so it remains crystalized in a single moment in time, impossible to replicate, forever memorable.
anyway: HAPPY ONE YEAR TO THE JOE HILLS SWEEP BABY,
#mcytblr sexyman#sorry i'm in nostalgia mode and feel like rambling. o7 happy one year to joe's victory
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Hi! I'm so glad to see you're accepting requests again.
If it's not too much trouble, and it's not against the rules, I would like a HC of Fuegoleon, Nozel, and William have an S/O who was previously in a toxic/abusive relationship prior to starting a relationship with them, and running into said ex who wants to restart relationship with said S/O.
Hiya~! ^^
Glad to hear that you're glad ^^
No worries, it's not against the rules. Hope you like these
Pairings: Fuegoleon x gn!reader, Nozel x gn!reader, William x gn!reader
Fanfic type: Headcanons
Genre: Hurt-comfort (?)
Total length: ~1.8k
Content warnings: Contains references/implied former toxic/abusive relationship between reader and their ex, reader experiences anxiety/uneasiness as a result of running into the ex, the ex used he/him pronouns, (though meant as a coincidence, some parts can be interpreted as stalker-ish behaviour on ex's part), the BC men are there to support/save reader from the situation at the end though, so happy ending
Fuegoleon
You’re out on the town, just spending time together on his day off. For a moment you wander closer to a small boutique as he wonders about which café to go to. And you hear someone calling you from the crowd, which causes you to instinctively turn your head towards the sound. But as you do, you instantly recognize your ex, and it makes your entire body tense up.
You left that relationship in the past for a good reason. For a very god damn good reason. And you never want to go back to it.
Plus, you’re happy with Fuegoleon. More than happy.
Thus, seeing your ex is one of the last things that you want to experience.
And yet, there he is. Casually coming up to you and starting to talk about how much he misses you and how you were the best thing to happen to him, and how he wants you back. Honestly, as he starts to ramble about how he has changed, you tune out, and all you can do is think about how you do not want to be there.
But Fuegoleon has been watching the entire exchange, which hasn’t taken more than some tens of seconds. And at first, the casual “hell” could simply have been an old acquaintance coming to greet you, which in itself wasn’t a cause for concern. However, as he sees your body tensing up, and hears the talk about “I want you back in my life,” it’s more than evident to him what’s going on.
He doesn’t want to cause a scene, however. It would just escalate the situation. So, he simply starts walking closer, and calls out with an audible, but not too loud voice: “My love, would you prefer a café or a restaurant?”
It causes both you and your ex to look towards him, and while relief settles in you, you can see your ex’s eyes shift between you and Fue.
There’s a wide variety of emotions flashing in your ex’s eyes, anger being one of them.
But as Fue wraps his arm around your middle and pulls you closer, making a clear gesture that you are together, your ex looks away and mutter something under his breath.
Lucky for you he’s not dumb enough to start a fight with a Magic Knight Captain.
“I’m happy where I am now,” you still say to your ex, mustering all your courage, which causes him to glare at you.
But as said, trying to battle with a Captain, and a Royal, is a losing battle for him. So, he mutters something else, and turns on his heels with hunched shoulders.
Fue then leans closer to whisper into your ear “are you alright?”
And honestly “I am, now that you are here,” you whisper back. Because you are.
You’d always be alright, as long as he’s there.
Nozel
You were coming back from the castle with Nozel, heading towards the Silver Eagle’s headquarters after running an errand with him. But he was stopped by a higher ranking fellow Silver Eagle who had a question to Nozel, so you decided to make your way to the base by yourself. It wasn’t a big deal honestly. And you had no way of knowing how long the matter would take.
Besides, you had things to do yourself. Too many things to take care of, in fact, which is why you got lost in your thoughts as you walked. But you were waken from them as someone called your name.
And as you looked up, you saw none other than your ex, wearing a smile and waving a hand as he walked toward you intently.
You cursed in your mind, because he was the last person on this earth that you wanted to see.
You had closed that chapter in your life, and you didn’t miss it one bit.
But something in you made you stop in your tracks, as your mind was running a million miles an hour.
Honestly, you didn’t know what to do. You weren’t prepared to face your ex. When you left, you thought that you wouldn’t need to see his face again.
And yet there he was. Talking something about how you looked good, and how he had “seen the error of his ways” or something, and was talking about wanting you back. Going to your favourite restaurant, that you honestly hated now. Not because of the food, but because of the memories.
In that moment, all you could think was running away. Which, in all honesty, made you a little angry. Because you were a knight for god’s sake. You should be able to handle this. But you weren’t able to get a word out as he just stood there with a stupid smile on his face and you just stood there, frozen.
Until you heard another voice coming from behind you, and the expression of your ex changed. From a smile into one of … near fear.
“What is going on here?” You could hear the ice seeping through Nozel’s tone.
“Nothing, I was just catching up with my-“
“Your what?”
You could practically hear the judgemental gaze and a quirked eyebrow you were sure that there was on his face.
“You don’t seem to know your place,” Nozel concluded. “Because you dare show the insolence of trying to court my spouse.”
You could see your ex’s eyes widen as he connected the dots.
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize-“
Silence. Nozel didn’t say anything, but the weight on your shoulder, and the weight of the sheer mana collecting round you told you that Nozel was putting his foot down. Without a word. Because he didn’t need to say anything.
And honestly, Nozel didn’t need your ex to say anything else.
He just wanted him gone. You wanted him gone. Out of your lives.
And your ex took the hint. Ran away with his tail between his legs. Which made you let out a sigh of relief, as Nozel looked around while removing his hand from your shoulder. But he didn’t move away from you. Instead, you could feel him still hovering close to you, as if guarding you.
“Stay close,” he said, but you knew what he meant with it.
He wasn’t a man who was good with words, especially in public. Rather he showed his care through actions. And the way he stayed close to you, spoke volumes about how he felt.
William
You were taking a nature walk behind the bass of the Golden Dawn. Though technically speaking it was a bit more into the forest than “behind the base”, since there was a hiking trail there. But it was relatively close to the base, and practically on your backyard.
In fact, many Golden Dawn members used to travel there whenever they needed time to think, or just a moment for themselves. There was even a particular trail that would take 3 hours to walk if gone through entirely, before entering actual headquarter ground, and was frequented by knights and civilians alike for its beautiful nature.
And the day was beautiful. Birds were singing, and wind was rustling the leaves of nearby trees as sunlight filtered through the foliage as you came into a crossroads of the path you were walking, and one heading to town.
“Hey!” Came a voice from the other path, which caused you to stop. Maybe someone needed help or directions, so of course you’d stop to help.
But the person approaching you waved, seeming okay. So, maybe it was someone you knew? You weren’t entirely sure to be honest.
Not until… he came closer… And you recognized your ex, wearing a hiking outfit.
Why… You grimace in your own mind.
This was one of The Least Likely places to run into him. So *why*? Why here? Why here? Why all in all?
You wanted nothing to do with him. You could have gone for the rest of your life without as much as hearing about him, but here he was, walking down just this hiking trail. On this exact day. On this exact time when you were there.
Fate must’ve hated you. Or so you felt.
“Mmmm…” you muttered, waving your hand and starting to walk again. “I have to go,” you quickly explained.
“Wait, wait wait,” he urged while quickening his own pace, and jogging up to you.
Then he started to talk something about having taken up on hiking because of fresh air doing good to him, or something, and how, though feeling happy about a new hobby, he still missed you and wanted to reconcile with you.
But you did not like the situation. You did not want to be here with him. You didn’t want to be anywhere with him.
“No thanks,” you tried while again quickening your pace.
“Please give me a chance,” he implored, and it just made you want to run.
Until you heard a familiar voice from the woods to your side.
“Oh I didn’t know you were also on a walk,” it was William.
The branches of his World Tree Magic carrying him closer to you, as if a saviour delivered by the forest.
“Though suppose it’s no wonder,” he mused while coming closer to you. “My songbird needs to fly,” his voice was soft and gentle, but there was a weight to his tone and words. As if a stern statement. “And who might you be?” He asked, after placing himself onto the ground next to you, and looking at your ex.
“I’m uhh…” he stumbled on his words, because the statement of ‘my songbird’ had been clear as day. “We used to date…” he muttered.
There was a pause. A pause that must’ve been unsettling to your ex, because even you could feel the tension in the air.
“I see.” William concluded. Leaving it at that.
He didn’t need to say anything more. Why would he? He had established that you two were dating, and your ex was only an unwanted encounter. It might not have been said with words, but the way William stared at your ex, without really staring; watching from the corners of his eyes, told enough.
“Honey…” you manged while turning your head to William.
“Let’s go,” he said to you, turning to you with a smile. “Together,” he added while over you his arm, so that you might link yours to his.
But before you turned to leave, he gave a glance to your ex. One last glance. As if to make a statement.
And your ex heard the message, loud and clear. He wasn’t much of a threat to a Magic Knight’s Captain. Actually, he was no threat at all. Your ex might’ve been a lot of things, but he wasn’t stupid like that.
You smiled, because luck seemed to have been on your side after all. And William really seemed like your guardian angel.
#black clover fanfiction#black clover headcanons#fuegoleon x reader#nozel x reader#william x reader#fuegoleon vermillion x reader#nozel silva x reader#william vangeance x reader#black clover x reader
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shake it out
Annabeth looks at her relationship with trust through the years, particularly with Percy and Luke. (or an excuse to freak out about the trailer through annabeth's trauma)
also on ao3
title and lyrics from Florence + the Machine's 'Shake it Out'
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Looking back, Annabeth can't believe how young she was. She was so young, not even five feet tall yet. Looking back, she can't believe anyone ever let them go on quests so young. More than anything, she can't believe they survived.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
She can't blame Chiron; he is as much a subject of the gods as she is. Honestly, she doesn't know what she would have done without his training and Camp. Probably died. There's not much else she could have done. Such is the way of the gods and their children.
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
The younger campers treat them like gods, heroes to look up to. They all wanna be just like her and Percy. She doesn't have the heart to tell them the truth about her life, how much grief being a hero had brought her, or that she sometimes wishes Luke had won.
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
She remembers hugging Percy after finding out Luke betrayed them. She had been devastated, then, almost too upset to berate herself for entrusting him with her heart. She should've known he would never stay; she should've known he would disappoint her, just like everyone else.
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
She thought he would always stay. He said he'd always stay.
And I've been a fool and I've been blind (I've been blind)
I can never leave the past behind
She thought he would always be there. He said he'd always be there.
Because they were family.
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
She thought she'd never be able to trust anyone again, that no one could fix the walls everyone else helped build around her heart, thick and fortified with the hurt from so many people. She could still feel it like phantom pain, feel her hands clawing at their retreating backs, and then, eventually, feel the absence of their eyes as she walked away.
They never cared. No one ever fucking cared.
All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
Then Percy came along. She tried to run away.
It didn't work.
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Percy, who started tearing bricks away with every day he stayed until there was a hole big enough for him to fit through. He didn't even know he was doing it. Maybe that made him even more endearing.
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
So maybe she let him in. She did pride herself on her brain, and that was the smartest thing she ever did. Maybe that gave her the courage to let some others in, too.
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back (shake him off)
And given half the chance would I take any of it back? (shake him off)
Her life was already so miserable. Why put herself through more shit on purpose if she had the chance to be happy?
Maybe it was time to let go of the past and be happy.
It's a fine romance, but it's left me so undone (shake him off)
It's always darkest before the dawn (shake him off) (Oh whoa, oh whoa)
Maybe her dad never loved her. Maybe Thalia still left, again. Maybe her mom treated her like a commodity, to be used and put away until she was needed again. But Percy stayed. And Luke tried, in the end.
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
So she could let Percy in. She can love him with all her heart because he loves her with all of his.
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
She can trust him with her heart. How could she not, after all this time, after everything they’ve been through?
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me (oh whoa)
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me (oh whoa)
Even if he hurts her (and she knows he never will), at least she'll have had him, and she'll have something to show for the worst years of her life. And, maybe, just maybe, she’ll have a few other people, too.
But what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
They are everything. They are 12 years old, fighting to live through their first quest. They are 13, saving Grover from unimaginable monsters and holding the world on their backs. They are blowing up mountains. They are traversing the Labyrinth. They are saving the world. They are going through hell. But they are surviving, together, and she wouldn't have it any other way.
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
#percy jackon and the olympians#annabeth chase#percabeth#percy jackson#song fic#my writing#my fic#fanfic#percabeth fic#percabeth fanfic#pjo#pjo fic#pjo fanfic#angst#luke castellan#florence and the machine#song: shake it out
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A post I never thought I'd have to make
A few days ago there was a post made by instructor144 asking this "Need folks with better memory for details than my brain can manage to sound off here. Years back, we had a predator out there, claimed he was a "retired psychologist," fucked over some susceptible subs rather badly as I recall. Does anyone remember details, anyone fall victim to this guy, etc? Got a DM from a follower, looks like he's still out there doing his thing, but I'm fuzzy on the details after all this time."
At that time they were looking for a blog with the name of greywlf or a-greywlf, or iterations close to that. He's someone that has been around for years harassing, gaslighting, supposedly blackmailing etc. A really nasty person that claims to be a retired psychiatrist. He stops and restarts his blog with a slight twist on that name but the description and his posts are basically the same. He's really really bad news and should be a concern to everyone.
My problem now is that someone has "decided" that the picture of this person, positively identifies him as also being me and my blog. That person has spewed off that I AM a blackmailer etc and have been for years all based off a hunt for the other blog.
I AM NOT THIS PERSON NOR HAVE I EVER chased, harassed, blackmailed anyone. It's clear from his picture they posted what he looks like and it is a million percent not me. Someone just decided to tell people that I'm the same person and that I'm a predator.
I am all for warning people about predators, I even do it on my blog at times, but to have my name linked to it because I happen to have a beard and have the name doctor in my blog is insane to me.
I want to say thank you to the many friends that have reblogged the post and stated emphatically that it's not me. It means a lot.
For the record, I am a very happy Daddy Dom, who is not looking for anyone new and havent been looking for a long time. There are a few friends from Tumblr that are very close and have my personal phone number and see selfies from me a lot and they can attest that I'm not whoever this person is.
I've also met more some of my followers ,who became good friends, in person for lunch, to hang out, to talk, etc. I've even had impact sessions, play sessions etc with a few once we established all the needed boundaries, safety protocols, etc.
I have spent at least five years building this blog as a safe space to share my thoughts on this lifestyle and to share my stories.
I'm beyond disturbed and disappointed that my name has been attached to a vile person like that. I too remember different versions of greywlf over the years and know one follower in particular who had a bad run in with him back when she had a different blog name. She's changed the name of her blog since then and she's had the new name for several years, so I know he's been around a long time.
By all means get his blogs out there when you find them, but I am not this person, am not associated nor have I ever been.
I do not ask for people to send me dirty pictures, I don't send dirty pictures, I don't scroll my follower list and randomly message people hoping to "get my hooks in them".
It was even stated that I hated a certain blogger, instructor144, and blocked him years ago. That's definitely not the case, he and I have messaged on occasion and I have no hatred for that person nor have I ever blocked him "to keep him from finding me" etc etc etc.
This is honestly ridiculous that I'm even having to write this but I refuse to reblog that crazy post but will screenshot the post and some of my friends replies to tell the person that I'm not the person they're looking for, but those friends just get blocked by said person. It's sad and disappointing that one person can distort things to the point that the real predator is being lost in the shuffle.
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Hello hbj, I saw that you are going to episode 10 again and I reached Jake's final conversation for the thousandth time and the feeling of agony and tightness in my chest continues, parting with Jake is inevitably painful, I honestly don't see a way out for Jake, based on his description, he's either arrested or killed, I cling to the idea that everbyte wouldn't be crazy enough to kill Jake but arrest him... maybe?
Nahh, they definitely did not kill him. I don’t really like to say things like that just because there are other options, objectively spoken, I don’t like to exclude things. BUT here, I'm 100% sure he's alive.
I agree Everbyte wouldn’t do that. We have often talked about how many reasons there are that it will not happen. Simply from a business perspective, that would be unwise. However, in my opinion, there are pretty obvious clues that Jake will be back in Moonvale.
I’m one of the people who would find it very interesting if Jake were actually arrested. I think you could make a lot of cool things out of it. And I think 'just' an arrest still gives us enough opportunities to get back in touch with Jake. There’s still a theory that MC has to help the FBI, along with Jake, after an arrest. I don’t know if that would be a bit too much for a game, but the possibility exists. But the main thing is that I’m absolutely sure that Jake will come back in some way. If not... But I said, I find it very unlikely. And I don't want to think about other options xD
But yes, the emotions while playing episode 10, especially when you reach the last conversation with Jake, it gets me every time again. Heavily. I always try not to think about it so much, what I ignore is not really there. ;)
And I’m happy to be able to restart the game every time, if you start everything from the beginning it’s almost like nothing happened. Almost. 👀 Anyway, I hope you could overcome the end of episode 10 well and it was bearable. This messanger - chat - concept gets you extremely much. It's special but makes games even harder, haha.
Thank you a lot for sending me this ask. As I always say, I love talking about it and I'm always happy when it seems like people also want to talk to me about it. And I hope my answer is some kind of interesting for you.
Have a great day and enjoy your time. Take care of yourself and stay healthy and safe. 💚
#cute dw anon#hbj dw answers#hbj dw x mv answers#cute dw x mv anon#duskwood#duskwood jake#moonvale jake#moonvale#dw x mv jake#everbyte studio#duskwood game#moonvale game#duskwood episode 10#duskwood everbyte#everbyte duskwood#iamjake#duskwood mc#duskwood jake x mc#everbyte game#moonvale everbyte#everbyte moonvale
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Back from therapy and Riku recommended me to ramble about this a bit here, but in terms of the narrative of our CSA as I see it, I was a very broken and very hurt child who really needed gentle care and affection and in a time of need, rather than getting that, I was fed to the wolves and eaten alive and left spat out the other end way worse than whatever horrid state I was in before I was eaten.
As far as the narrative goes, from that point my life froze for years until the past year or two, and it took a while to get time to restart, but while that pain and hurt is real and it was horrifically unjust and cruel and nothing that I deserved, I have the care and affection that I needed at the time here within the system and the few people in our life that our system puts in our company.
I was failed by the world and the adults and peers around me there and got horribly hurt and taken advantage of and that betrayal was deadly, but it really is okay now because I have what I need to live again. It still hurts if I sit on it and simmer on it and I don't think itll ever go away, but life continues beyond the simmer and I'm ever thankful for my second chance at doing and getting what I needed now that I am free and honestly, I am blessed to have the care and love I needed even if it came late and after a horrible failure.
I honestly have more support and care and a more intensely supportive system that helps me and cares about me more than I ever could have dreamt of having before hand, so honestly, I struggle to hold long term complaints. Horrible things happened, but I currently have way more than what I could imagine when I was in need, and its met so much more than I requested that it does honestly make up for all the bleeding wounds I took on.
I guess I forgive the world for the cruel joke cause I guess I am just thankful to be part of this system and have so many supportive peers in this brain and body with me. It makes me feel like part of something and like I belong and am wanted and cared and thats really all I wanted since I've existed. I'm pretty happy and satisfied and its weird to say considering I was trapped in it for years upon years, but the CSA trauma I held just seems to disappear in the background as a side arc to my life the longer I float around the front and Ray helps me integrate more into the system. It's authentically kind of becoming an "oh that, right" than the endless spiraling void it used to be.
#alter: lin#anyways I or XIV have to get home from therapy#lots of love ❤️#lin rambles#recovery#csa recovery#trauma recovery#trauma processing
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PSA. / 2024 goals !
the reason i haven't been writing a lot is i've mostly been on my OC trying to play catch up on her lore and worldbuilding. you can find her in the pinned post . also i've been planning what i want to do for mizuki for 2024, and my interest very normal love for best girl only gets better each year. i just hope to do justice by her in my own way as i figure out what i'm doing post AI1.
as i'm canon divergent and i have a few things to talk about that i'll be hoping to capture or discuss hopefully some of this year that are parts of my mizuki's canon ! so i'll try doing it in uh, the most organized way because one goal i have at least for 2024 is better blog organization . it's too late to make a sideblog for musings / etc .
THINGS I'LL BE DOING THIS YEAR .
- focusing on catch up. unless a thread is requested to be dropped, please message me if so, i'll be continuing it. some i will drop for my own sanity, not because i don't want to write with you again!
- seasonal / holidays asks will just be holiday asks with no specific content save for people i owe, ex: bubblez' kizuna or thane's trunks, etc. why? i think mizuki deserves to celebrate the holidays or anything remotely happy because while aiba is arguably as of now her best support system, let's be real, i genuinely want to find and work on any of her relationships because she's severely lacking in support. even from 2023. i'll try to stay more on the ball for again, my own sanity this year when i reblog them.
- i will be writing my version of post-canon mizuki and child mizuki, that goes from her time before adoption from date, aka with shoko and renju which will be tagged appropriately because honestly mizuki doesn't know many reliable adult figures in her life, and it makes me very sad that she's arguably more mature than...most people save say, boss or pewter or hitomi etc. she deserves better! just because AI2 certainly isn't everyone's cup of tea, and it isn't mine in a LOT of ways, i still took stuff from it, and i don't think it's fair to halt mizuki at 12 forever just because we fairly have critique of NI / AINI and not let her grow up and experience a hopeful future and more bonds to fill the huge hole in her heart. let her be happy is the goal !
now i'm working on mizuki's post canon verse, as i've restarted aitsf 1 to move to aitsf 2, where i'll take a few things that i won't likely budge on unless you meet me halfway !
the verse title for anything post-canon and generally for 18 year old mizuki / teen mizuki or post explosion mizuki will be this verse tag!
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𝐕; 𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍*ೃ༄ not compromising with just this; i'm taking back all the happiness i lost.
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now onto her post canon details i do have figured out.
mizuki and aiba are partners. one thing that's consistent is through her time with date, that can still be a thing because they ARE a family, albeit i feel estranged granted the resolution route is canon, so mizuki never really got to bond with him, get her aphonia cured, vice versa, is aiba's care through time in his eye socket appreciating the girl's strength and endurance and intelligence in both games. you can have more than one partner, and until / if we have another game and mizuki possibly gets another partner and i debate the chemistry, aiba is mizuki's partner and aiba is generally mostly with mizuki, but that doesn't mean she isn't with date too. she can love more than one person. and both dates are equally dear to her.
mizuki was still experimented on until 3 years old at horadori institute, albeit she has blurry memories at best, and i debate if she should fully remember! one factor of her godlike superhuman strength. but she also is trained in most japanese martial arts she can get her hands on! she is NOT a clone of bibi, bibi doesn't exist whatsoever despite me enjoying her personality, even if i felt it was made to mimic mizuki herself, if others who have muses with canon bonds to bibi, please talk to me so we can plot it out if you keep her as part of your canon ! as long as we meet halfway i'm more than happy to work with you !
mizuki is still a rookie detective and psyncer at ABIS. in my canon, she actually looks to ryuki, also new, but older for advice and i like to think as dual protagonists that they should have been, they get to do some cases together! only if a ryuki is willing of course.
for now, she's working on small to medium cases with aiba. the explosion still happened that took her vision clean out. she does this because of the gruesome history she has, not wanting others to suffer the same kind of unimaginable trauma she has with both biological parents murdered in various means and i'm still debating whether tearer even exists. he likely will, and if people also have the other culprit's actions in their canon, please talk to me too and i'll work together with you on that !
mizuki still runs lemniscate and sunfish pocket. she doesn't have the heart yet to really let go of her neglectful biological father's companies, even if he didn't care for her in a way she needed. in time, i'll see how she feels about this, as i do plan for mizuki to continue her education, as the girl is extremely intelligent.
mizuki is still best friends with iris, but my mizuki also considers amame and kizuna two of her really close friends, but they aren't a sister to her like iris is. they're certainly caring of her, and she'd protect them with her life, but she isn't as close to them as iris, and all of them do hang out together from what i've seen.
my mizuki is a lot more skeptical for the kizunas out there, of lien. she isn't comfortable with his advances towards one of her best friends and generally is a lot more protective. that said, it's all according to people who write kizzy. naturally she's fiercely protective of iris, who now is someone who works for her too as the president of an entertainment company.
my mizuki comes from the MIZUKI ROUTE in terms of character development but NOT THE PLOT EVENTS . iris is not inhabited by so sejima. date and mizuki DO bond like a father and daughter. date unless a date talks to me, DOES cure her aphonia or it's hitomi herself like canon because hitomi is the mom she deserves imho. but i tend to take away the development of her character and their relationship otherwise i feel the date family bond is....pretty estranged or mizuki is MUCH more doubtful of date caring for her at all granted the routes and how she tends to get overlooked a lot.
basically i want to as one of i'm sure other mizuki-mun's, give her my best in my own way, at my own pace !
and those are my goals as i replay the games (again!) . i hope to keep developing mizuki and thank you for being so patient with me as always, everyone ! also kinda sorry for the long post but it was all necessary !
#𝐏𝐒𝐀 *ೃ༄ do you wanna get your ass kicked?#𝐎𝐎𝐂 *ೃ༄ what looks gone but comes back even stronger.#also there are spoilers but uh it's kinda inevitable#ugh mizuki and the girls all deserve better in some way huh#i know the guys do too but geez....#oh well our sandbox right?#i would play aini for the characters !#and the somniums feel a lot more fun and i love unlimited psync and getting rewards / rank up with eyeballies etc#also ryuki and tama are so great i'm glad they exist :' )#also i really like kizuna and will defend her with my life. same with amame. they are REALLY important to her too. but iris is her goofy si#but like I hopefully said! if you have different takes on the series let’s meet halfway!#I’m really chill on that I just want Mizuki to be happy 🥹
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For the writers ask: 2, 3, 4, 17
thank u for asking <3 <3 <3
2) What is your favorite fic of yours? i hope this isn't too much of a cop-out answer but my favorite fic is always the one i'm working on. a lot of love goes into each one and if i'm not fully enthralled in a story i'm writing i might as well not write it at all, imo. i'm particularly proud of atrad right now, because it took a long time, as well as lots of research and i really wanted it to be well-written. but rn, even though i'm on pause for a bit, subjectives is my fav bc it's the one i'm working on now.
3) What fic of yours do you think is underrated? it's hard to say when it comes to the ga fandom bc there's usually not as many readers at all, but i must say lack of interaction is what caused me to put not what we should be on the backburner for a few years. i fully intend to write all of it some day, but it is hard to get motivated when it's also a fic i've received negative comments on ;-;
(w the fandom that won't be named, i really liked writing trust, but it was seemingly less interesting to others so i abandoned it. rest in peace...)
4) What fic of yours were you surprised by how popular it was? i am always shocked when any of my fics get attention! my first ga fics in the internship universe on ffn got a lil bit of attention and i was genuinely surprised! but my g*th*am fic play dead getting as much attention as it did really shocked me, especially bc i was on twitter back then and i had plenty of mutuals who would "live tweet" reading whenever a new chapter came out, and it honestly felt so touching... the higher u fly, the more u have to fall and all that.
when it comes to ga, i had surrendered to having no attention especially more recently, but i think atrad got a decent amount of attention for how small the fandom is! and lots of ppl would comment and give me their thoughts which meant a lot too, and which i wasn't fully expecting!
17) Do you have any wips that you can tell us about? What are you most excited for in you wip?
obviously, i still have nwwsb, which someone asked abt recently! i'm very happy there's ppl out there who are interested in seeing it continue bc i am too <3 i'm thinking after subjectives, i'll probably continue nwwsb for a while (tho i had planned on it being rly long so i might get distracted by another project eventually before finishing it lmao)
i also wrote ~7 chapters of a zombie au a few years ago that i enjoyed but never posted bc pretty much all i saw on tumblr back then were ppl hating on zombie aus. i think i'd have to rewrite what i have though if i were to post it, which is why i'm not as excited about that project. i don't like restarting lol
and i also have a restaurant au i like, but it would likely not be quite as long as my other fics <3
and what i'm most excited abt is just sharing more fics for people to enjoy! i love writing natsumikan fanfic and giving as much as i can to this fandom and tho it seems to be in a constant state of shrinking, i won't let myself get too discouraged! thank u to all who read and enjoy my fics <3 i very much appreciate it!
send me a fic writing ask if you would like!
#ga#gakuen alice#thank u ur so nice for asking <3#mizutaama#answered#ask games#writing asks#nwwsb#subjectives#all things rancid and delicate
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hi, Hera! it's been a while but I was the anon who sent you a message a LONG while back about being excited about you being a Ghost shifter! I... actually ended up forgetting your username for a good while as I turned my focus away to other stuff for a bit (I don't have the best short-term memory haha) BUT I FINALLY REMEMBERED again and I'm so glad to see it looks like you're doing well and you have so many new DRs! I really hope your shifting journey is coming along nicely. I'm doing a somewhat soft reset on mine and sticking to a new routine to help my mindset. I may make a shifting account soon to help journal and better keep track of my progress, as well as have an easier time keeping visual inspo in one place. Anyway, I'm happy to see you're still at it because I know I'm not giving up until I experience this and prove to myself I can do this, too.
!!!!! YES HI HELLO FELLOW GHESTIE!!!! It’s awesome to hear from you again! 🥰🥰🥰
Hdjdhdbbfb fair and valid, I have a shit memory so I’m not going to judge 😂😂😂
My shifting journey is going through its ups and downs at the moment, but I’m not giving up hope just yet. I’ve come too far to quit now! 💪💪💪 And I’m proud of you! It can be hard to restart, but it can be so worth it. Best of luck!!!
OMG when you make your shifting account, please don’t hesitate to reach out!! You sound lovely and I’d love to talk more!! (No pressure ofc but the offer is there! 🫶✨)
Also, if you’re curious about keeping visual inspo in one spot, I’d also recommend making a shifting Pinterest account. I have a different board for each of my DRs and honestly it’s such a game changer 🤩🤩🤩
Anyway, I’m so happy to hear from you again! Happy shifting! 🥰🫶💕✨
#kissing you on the mouth rn /p#anyway#thank you so much for checking in 🥹🥹🥹 ilysm 😭💕✨#inbox#anonymous
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Leigh plays Tellius prt 7
I'm at the halfway point of PoR, so I decided to look through all the units I plan on using until endgame and compare their stats to their average stats for their current level.
To recap, here are the goals I set for myself:
No one dies
Get Ike and Soren to rank A
Get Ike and Ranulf to rank B
Max out Soren and Ilyanna's speed
Get Ranulf to his max level with as many capped stats as possible
Thus far, I have restarted for every death, and thus no one on my team has perished. Ike and Soren are at B rank, so they're on their way to that A rank. I don't have Ranulf yet, so I haven't made any progress on goal #3. Soren is 7 points away from capping speed with 13 level ups to go, whereas Ilyanna is 11 points away from capping speed with 21 level ups to go, so I think I'm on the right track for goal #4. And again, I don't have Ranulf yet, so no progress on #5.
Now let's take a look at my most-used units!
For this, I put a green up arrow next to any stat that is higher than their average, a yellow star to any stat that is the same as their average, and a red down arrow to any stat that is lower than their average.
First up: Ike!
Turns out that my Ike is not doing too hot! He's good for strength and HP, but every other important stat is lagging behind. Uh-oh! I'm probably going to have to be more strict about his level ups going forward, if I want to defeat the Black Knight.
Meanwhile, my Soren is doing pretty dang great! He's either at or above his average for every stat, which makes me really happy.
My Mia is also doing fantastic! She's above average in every stat except for magic, which is fine because her magic stat is entirely irrelevant anyway.
Oh, Ilyana. She's really not doing so great, aside from that speed. Which I guess is fine, since I'm mostly just using her to cap out her speed for Radiant Dawn, but still. It's a bit disappointing.
My Rolf has been doing super well, though! Look at all those green arrows. I was initially worried about him, because he started off getting really crappy level ups, even a couple of level ups that included absolutely no increase to any of his stats, but he eventually turned it around. Good job, Rolf!
So, it wasn't until I took this screenshot that I realized that her skill was at 4. Literally so behind where she should be that I gave her two red down arrows next to it. I mean, she's doing great otherwise, but damn. I cannot count on my Mist to dodge anything.
My Neph is doing pretty good, just a little below average in terms of speed. I gave her vantage on top of her wrath skill, so she's been absolutely annihilating foes on the enemy turns.
Kieran, my man! I have to say, he's been hitting it out of the park for me on this playthru. His strength is a little behind average, but I honestly haven't even noticed, because he's just been slaughtering every enemy I set him up against.
My Jill is definitely lagging behind in strength, which feels super unusual for Jill. Hopefully she makes up for lost ground in the next few chapters.
Oh, Astrid. She's probably been my biggest wildcard of a unit. She either gets great level ups or absolute garbage ones. Her strength has been so pitiful. But at least she's capped her speed, right? She actually capped it, like, several levels ago. But I didn't want to promote her early, since her speed was like the only thing she had going for her.
Boyd! Somehow I got an unusually defensive Boyd, which kind of goes against his class. But with skill and speed that bad, I am definitely not complaining about the extra cushioning.
Oscar! Like Kieran, I haven't really been worried about his strength. He doubles and crits enough that it really doesn't matter. Overall, Oscar has been really good to me.
Aaaaaand, that's it! Those are all the units I am using on a near-constant basis.
Next time, I have to try to re-recruit Shinnon. Wish me luck!
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crazy to think that oscar has literally been a rookie for the past 4 years like the last time he was a returning driver to a series was with mfing r-ace. been thinking about how next year is going to become a real yardstick in measuring his growth potential which is honestly just wild because it's been so long since we've seen him actually grow season-to-season within the same team structure & competitive environment......... yes prema f3 to prema f2 is about as consistent as you can get and there are so many more variables in f1 but even so i feel like much of the discussion around him these days is strictly >"well the race pace is a measure of tyre management and track familiarity and nothing more!" but then it's also a question of quantitatively how much of the pace deficit will be annulled through accruing this experience and how much is just the gap in raw race speed beyond predictive measures... and of course when compared against (ARGUABLY) a top-3 driver on the grid i don't even expect this to be observable after simply one year but i guess what's interesting is that he's often been regarded as a "complete package" who attains success through well-rounded race management and i'm like... well that is good in that there is less mental coaching required for him but also limiting in that he's already closer to his maximum potential than someone rougher around the edges might be.
ngl it kills me how pirelli's tyres blowing up in qatar indirectly gave him the best pr ever by leveling the field off so much deg-wise lol... and then that inversely made people way more critical of his performance in austin when i think it was actually a really good weekend by rookie-dnf standards because 1) he was managing to finetune his weaknesses session-by-session despite the physical challenges of the track surfacing and sprint formatting constraints and then 2) he still held on pretty well after the oco contact in the main race.......... the one thing i'll say about op's racecraft is that imo he's been showing some really solid defense lately and he is usually in the right when it comes to racing inchidents it's just a matter of developing awareness of when it's best to engage in this stubbornness and knowing who is most prone to going bowling on the grid lol. lando is so keenly avoidant and purposeful/conservative in his overtakes (mxc red flag restart great example) but this too is something i think will come with time. (in this case specifically because i think oscar is mentally smart and shrewd enough to pick up on the same awareness)
only 3(.5) races left......... i continuously am just so ??? at the fan rating binary because i really do believe that even "bad" weekends like austin have their own personal highs and then the "good" weekends like suzuka need to be equally contextualized but i suppose that is not as fun as (waves vaguely at reddit wank). i just want [] total points and 4 p[] in championship and i will be happy <3 fun that oscar pretty much has p9 locked down at this point... wish the gap were closer to 63 but it's also already mildly embarrassing for him that he's all the way down in p8 lol this year's been rough for him huh.
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Hi, I'm back with another essay 😂
I've had a busy week at work and I thank the heavens it is Friday because I need to just sit and stare at a wall for a while and decompress 😂 Also, my week's been fully thrown off since Monday as I did not sleep at all that night so I've been all over the place. HOWEVER, it's been a fairly alright week!
I thought I'd send in an ask to mainly talk video games because Dragon Age, ME AND Baldur's Gate? Especially ME?! I don't get to talk about ME enough!
Okay, so I have to admit that for most of the game, my party was Shadowheart, Karlach and the gith chick, Lae'zel, that you don't like 😂 And I have to admit that at first I was on the fence about her, but she quickly grew on me and even more so as the story progressed. Larian Studios gave each of their characters a great background and amazing personalities. And majority of them have great character progression as the game progresses, imo! (there's some things that happen in that game that I cannot comment about yet, but honestly, Larian Studios are creative geniuses lol)
In regards to Lae'zel, I will definitely want to hear more of your thoughts as you progress through the game!
Also, I cackled at the fact you restarted the game because you found out you missed Gale! 😂 I have to admit though - I would absolutely do the same! Let me know what you decide on him, because I went through the whole game and my opinion about him didn't change 😂
How are you finding the game so far? What do you think of the story and the characters you encountered? Both, the characters you can have in your party and NPC's? Have you tried to speak with any animals yet? 😂
Coming up to Dragon Age and Mass Effect… It's been years since I touched a Dragon Age game, but I remember the first and second games fondly. But Mass Effect… Oh boy, haha. I played the games… I don't even know how many times. ME2 still to this day holds a special part in my heart so when they announced an ME Legendary Edition with all three games reworked, all shiny and pretty?? You bet I got them and played through all three games :D And it felt like playing them for the first time again. Also, Garrus? Yes, please!
Have to admit, I was disappointed at the ending on ME3, both because of the ending they gave Commander Shepard and also because the ending that they originally came out with was… a flop and unsatisfying, though they gave longer endings after a patch because of fan disappointment. And I will forever think that the "secret ending" of Commander Shepard's N7 logo in those ruins actually means they aren't dead (there should also be a new ME game???! And they showed Liara in the trailer??!).
The universe that ME has, with the story and characters is just absolutely mind blowing and those games are beautiful ❤ And personally, I look for games that have a rich and deep story so the fact that we are talking about DA, ME and Baldur's Gate right now? My heart is singing and I am just all warm and happy haha
Another one of my favourites is Witcher 3. AND it was a fave before Henry Cavill became a live action Geralt 😂 I spent a lot of hours on that game... One could even say too many, but if anyone does - they're wrong 😂
But of course, I have to take a moment and scream about "Violent Delights", because excuse me? Where has Enishi Yukishiro been and why have I not seen him?? 👀 I know what I'm watching over the weekend lol I need to find time to go through your whole master list because your writing is like nourishment and it does unexplainable things to me!
And that sneak peek for chapter 7..? Oh fuck. These two petty fools will be the end of me 😂
On a personal note, thank you for your kind words in your reply. I appreciate you for taking the time to reply and share your lovely words with me because they mean a lot ❤
I hope your week has been great, Jenn! And I hope you will have a lovely, restful weekend! Sending you lots of virtual hugs! ❤
Okay so I KNOW you just sent me a brand new ask but I need to answer this one first! I am so sorry it took me so long to reply 😩
How have your weeks been going? It’s been a while since we’ve checked in with one another! I sincerely hope that no technology has been acting up and that your days have been peaceful and content 🖤
DID YOU BY CHANCE WATCH RUROUNI KENSHIN: THE FINAL WITH ENISHI YUKISHIRO?!!??? I legit wrote that thinking it would get him out of my system but it actually did not lol and I’m already just planning on continuing it but it’s just going to be filth. Pure smutty filth and I refuse to apologize 🤣🤣
Right now Karlach is still currently my fav! Her character is just so FUN. She has such a good attitude, and she is definitely the type of person I would want in a real-life crew. I’m torn on the love interest part of it because like…so far I like none of them lol. Astarion is in the lead, but barely, just because he’s a vampire and I’m a whore for love bites 😈 lol but I have noticed that he does have these soft moments through the indifference he conveys. He’s just different from who I usually pick in games. Although, in Cyberpunk I picked Judy but if I could’ve picked Johnny (absolutely LOVE Keanu) I would’ve lol. I love broody men.
I agree with you on ME3!! I’m so glad they went back and added more to it. I think it allowed a lot of us to get the closer we needed when it came to our Commander Shepherds. And yeah, if you chose the destroy option, they hinted that he/she was still alive, but I could never choose that one. I’m such a paragon lol I wanted everyone to get along and if my character had to sacrifice herself to do it, I did it every time (I can’t do that to Eve) 😩😩 except the one time to see if the destroy ending was worth it. I won’t hold my breath about the new DA and ME trailers they showcased a couple years ago, because Andromeda was not a fav lol. I think trying to bring in a new character to take over for shepherd is going to be incredibly hard, but I am interested to see if the continue with the storyline of inquisition for DA!
Baldur’s Gate 3 is just such a breathe of fresh air because I’m such a whore for a good storyline. I LOVE them. It makes it so much more immersive and makes you care about the outcomes of those in your party and your character. Witcher 3 was sooooo good at that too!
I’m still waiting to replay Cyberpunk 2077 from the beginning because of the Sons of Liberty DLC. I’ve heard amazing things about it, and I’m hyped but I got 2 weeks left of Uni work and then I graduate and I’m DONE! I’m so ready lol 🤣🤣
Thank you for always being such an absolute joy to talk to and for the essays lol. For being one of the sweetest humans alive. I hope your weekend is treating you well 🖤🖤 much love
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Games I’ve been Playing - Elden Ring, Fallout 3, and Breath of the Wild
It's been a while since I put together my last post about what I've been playing, but I have definitely not been idle in the intervening months. Here's what I've been up to!
All links in this post are Humble Bundle affiliate links. That means I get a small portion of any purchase made after using them. If you'd like to learn more about the Humble Bundle affiliate program, click here.
Elden Ring
I beat Elden Ring a month or so back, brute-forcing my way through the game with heavy armor and a greatsword. It's a massive game, and I feel like I've only just scratched the surface even after the many many hours I put into that run. I restarted almost immediately, playing as a mage and experimenting with glintstone sorceries. But in all honesty, I'm a bit burnt out on the game. As many discovered after an initial burst of enjoyment, the game really starts to drag after the fight with Morgott and I, like many others, was struck by an overwhelming sense of "really, there's more?" right about the time Crumbling Farum Azula popped up.
All of that said, I really enjoyed my time with Elden Ring. It was a real challenge, but I'm happy I played it. The world and the characters have intriguing depths and the moment-to-moment gameplay is tense and exciting. I just think the open world (and especially the addition of your trusty steed Torrent) breaks the tight pacing that does so much for the earlier Souls games. When most enemy groups can simply be avoided, it's often hard to tell how the game wants the player to approach situations.
Fallout 3
Playing on the Steam Deck! I first experienced Fallout 3 at a friend's house, watching him explore DC's irradiated subways on an XBox 360. Playing the game on the Deck is a wholly different experience, and I'm enjoying it quite a bit. As a platform, the Deck promotes a certain kind of focus that I find incredibly compelling; multi-tasking isn't really possible, so the game takes center stage.
When I play games on PC, it's not unusual for me to have a podcast running in the background, or even a long YouTube video running on a second monitor. Playing on the Deck locks me in and focuses my attention.
I'm also having a good time with Fallout 3 itself! Much like my exploration of Oblivion last year, Fallout 3 feels like a clear first step toward the kind of multi-leveled, densely packed urban chaos we see in Fallout 4's Boston. The metro system's prominence feels more like a concession to technical limitations than anything else, with piles of rubble blocking progress along surface streets.
Tonally, the game's dialogue choices place the player at a remove from the game's world. You're encouraged to mess with the world and its characters, causing problems and drama wherever you go. You can, of course, avoid these options, but the game itself will essentially taunt you for being a good-two-shoes. It's a game that, despite the depth of its dialogue system and its world, wants you to engage with it as a game; to exert your will upon the world and its inhabitants in whatever way seems most entertaining.
Anyways, I'll likely have a longer write-up on Fallout 3 at some point in the future. I'm still fairly early in the game, and I've yet to tackle any of the DLC. More to come here.
Breath of the Wild
I have no screenshots for this one; I'll add some in the future if I can figure out how to get screenshots off the Switch
Breath of the Wild is my first Zelda game and I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it. I'm partly playing it for my wife, so she can see the story without needing to play the game herself. But I think I might have played too many open-world games. I can see the game's strength and the excellence of its execution in every mechanic; the game gives me so many tools I sometimes can't tell if a cheesed a puzzle or completed it as intended, and the world design itself is both nuanced and beautiful.
But I think I've climbed too many towers. I think I climbed too many towers by the time I beat Far Cry 3, and I'd definitely climbed too many towers by the time I beat Assassin's Creed 3. I've filled in more than my fair share of maps and I just don't know that I'm that into it these days. Skyrim's old promise of "if you see a mountain you can climb it" feels more like obligation than exploration. And knowing that each new heart means finding and completing four shrines makes me feel like I'm completing checklist items.
I think I might just not be cut out for these kinds of games right now. I'm going to beat the game and give it a fair shake, but I'm definitely flagging and I have been from the start.
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i've quite honestly had enough of this dude. i've had to restart this so many times that i'm just glad to be done with him. but there's still a whole second hoop to go 😭 i might take a couple days off from this project & give myself a break. i'm happy with how he turned out tho!!! just tired & my hands hurt.
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I turn 18 soon, and I feel...
honestly, I'm not really sure. am I supposed to feel happy or excited? I'm not exactly sure it is my first time turning 18, and there's not exactly a wiki-how on it.
eighteen. Eight, teen. I'll be an adult. I'll have responsibilities. big ones too. and I just can't help but feel like I'm not ready for it all but I guess that's just how it goes. one day your a kid and the next your not. funny, because I still feel like a kid.
I mean I don't really know what it's like to be a kid. I never had a childhood. I grew up moving my whole life because of my dads job. never staying anywhere for more then 3 years. it really stunted my growth but I wouldn't notice that until years later. I never had freinds for long always moving and losing contact. it really takes its toll on a kid yknow?
and around 9 years old it really started hitting me I had to completely restart my life so many times. having freinds that I remember only by the traits I picked up from them not the names or faces. I fell into a depression. and to make matters worse I had started to realize I wasn't like the other kids
covid hit and things only got worse I didn't see anyone of my freinds and realized that I was transgender and had to figure out all the problems that arise with such a revaluation and a family who weren't helping me
then I went into highschool and when it got out that I was trans I received death threats. that with my teachers were denying my very obvious and prevalent learning disabilities I was taken out of school with no freinds and no one to talk to i was alone
by 15 I had realized I couldn't remember anything but a select few memories of my my closest freind, I'd suffered from untreated depression for so long my memories were lost. and everything is a blur still to this day.
now I'm turning 18 and I feel like only now I'm getting the childhood I was deprived of, I actually have freinds who I can talk to granted they're all online. but I habe a group of people for the first time in years but I still feel like I shouldn't be an adult yet I've grown up too fast.
I'll never get my own prom. or late nights out with freinds making highschool memories. I feel cheated out of growing up. I know that I was a kid once but I don't remember it and all of the memories in highschool I hear people talk about I will never experience. i don't think I'm ready to grow up but just like before I have to grow up to keep surviving.
so Eighteen
I turn 18 soon. and I feel; as much as I want to say lied to or cheated I just feel sad. but not int the way your sad when you lose someone close to you. I'm sad like when you first learn that dogs can see all the colours you can. when you feel sorry they cant see the world as beautifully as you can. i feel sorry for a happy kid that never got the chance to experience being a kid
I turn 18 soon, and I feel like so much is expected of me now. I turn 18 soon, and I feel that I'm not ready. I turn 18 soon, and I feel scared of what's to come. I turn 18 soon, and I feel sad. I turn 18 soon, and I feel that nothings really changed
I turn 18 soon, and I feel.
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Holiday Bootcamp
Happy Holidays!
It's officially November, my birthday is on the horizon and Thanksgiving + Christmas are around the corner!
I wanted to give an update on where I'm at now:
I no longer take Adult Ballet classes -- I found them too recreational and knew I wasn't adequately preparing for a classical ballet career
I no longer live downtown -- I was renting a room for the summer and trying to find housing for the Fall. I didn't. I still live at home and commute to college.
Cello lessons are on hold -- my teacher and I didn't have an aligned schedule, so she no longer teaches me. I decided to take the entire month of October off while I collected myself and figured out what to do next. I am looking for a teacher now and am planning to restart lessons this month
I took a break from the lab -- I loved having the association of working at the school I was aiming to attend but do feel like it was a huge distraction. I took the Fall off but am considering officially quitting.
So, what am I doing?
I am starting a Holiday Ballet Bootcamp! This is just for myself, but if anyone wants to do one for themselves, I will let you know what I am doing and at the end I will let you know the results.
What am I doing in this Holiday Ballet Bootcamp? And why am I doing it?
First, the why: I am missing many of the foundational and fundamental skills needed to progress. I am not flexible (I can't even do the splits), I have low/poor turnout, I am not able to fully pointe my foot, and (among other things) I lack core and muscular strength.
I've been attempting to learn technique from an online ballet program I've been purchasing on a monthly subscription but find myself lacking bodily awareness, unable to keep up, and nursing minor injuries every few days.
I realized that this wasn't going to work, but I didn't know what to do next. For reasons due to transportation and (lack of) intensity, Adult Open Ballet classes were out and continuing on with this self-directed learning was out.
After my latest injury on Monday, I had to take the time and sit down and think about my goal and the process I've been following to get there. I was, honestly, in panic. I couldn't figure out what to do. My sister and I went to Target earlier this week and I bought this cute, pink notebook and decided to make it my ballet journal. I sat down with a snack and got to work figuring out my plan of action.
I looked at the knowns and unknowns:
Knowns -
I am missing many of the foundational and fundamental skills needed to progress
Adult ballet classes are too recreational and won't adequately prepare me for a professional, classical career
Training by myself with no supervision is leading to multiple minor injuries and likely poor technique
I am too old for any proper ballet school
Unknowns:
How do I get proper training?
How do I get flexible, improve my turnout, and build strength?
Doing this helped me to come up with the Holiday Bootcamp. The bootcamp itself is directly targeting bullet 2, but is supposed to indirectly help with bullet 1. I realized that if I can't join a ballet school, I can't take the adult ballet classes available, and I can't do a self-directed online program, there was still one option: private training. But no private teacher worth their salt would take on an almost 24 year old beginner who can't do the splits, has little turnout, poor pointe, and lacks strength. Yeah, no. And I want to find teachers who are looking to train serious students to the highest caliber.
So, first I need to address the glaring issues (hence the bootcamp!). Then, I plan to submit audition-style photos and videos to private teachers I would like to work with and see who would be willing to work with me (in January).
Okay, so now you know the why. But you still don't know the how. So here's what I am doing as a part of my bootcamp:
I set the following goals for myself:
Full splits
Maximum extensions (Développé devant, Développé à la seconde, and Développé derrière)
Full turnout
High arched, strong feet
Build Muscle Memory
Build Core Stability
General Dance Conditioning
Theoretical Understanding of Technique & Dance Terminology
To achieve these goals, I am using the following programs:
Front Splits Fast by Lisa Howell
How To Get Your Legs Higher In A Développé Devant by Lisa Howell
Training Turnout by Lisa Howell
The Perfect Pointe Book by Lisa Howell
A New Approach to Core Stability by Lisa Howell
Dance Conditioning: Level One by Lisa Howell
Progressing Ballet Technique by Marie Walton-Mahon
Basic Principles of Classical Ballet: Russian Ballet Technique by Agrippina Vaganova
Foundations of Classical Ballet by Agrippina Vaganova
I am choosing to use gentle programs developed by dance physiotherapist Lisa Howell for the most part and also Marie Walton-Mahon's program because I do believe that achieving these goals shouldn't be painful. I don't want to mess up my body and make it harder or impossible to achieve my goals out of haste or fear.
Initially, I was looking to other dancers for advice on how to prepare for this but ultimately decided that I wanted to learn from Lisa and Marie in this preparatory period because of their advanced knowledge on the mechanics and inner workings of the body and how to train it.
I also am choosing to specifically study the Vaganova technique because it seems like a particularly strict form of ballet that when mastered seems most advantageous to dancers. Some of the most noticeably well trained dancers I've seen seem to be the product of the Vaganova method.
And that's it!
My bootcamp will end on Dec 31st, so I will check back in around then more than likely!
xo, Gia
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