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#honestly confessing your love in your native language is on another level and just so wholesome
fairydrowning · 1 year
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Just read that in Turkey some people don't say "I love you" instead they say "ruhum ruhun, ruhun ruhum olsun" which means "let my soul be your soul, let your soul be my soul" and that's so beautiful.
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Hermoso
Summary: For the @soulmatebingo “Phrase in native language” 
Keith gets the word “Hermoso" tattooed on his throat. Lance, instead, gets the word “Idiot” tattooed at the back of his neck.
Length: 2347 words
Relationships: Lance (Voltron)/Keith (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) & Shiro (Voltron)
Warnings: Implied depression, implied low self esteem issues
Also, just a quick reminder that you can commission me at @witcheswritings
Keith is thirteen on his fourth day at the Garrison when the word «Hermoso» writes itself deeply into his throat.
He doesn’t know when it happens exactly, one day he’s mark-less and then suddenly he’s seeing the bold, cursive letters, written there, glaring back at him from the mirror in the boys’ bathroom when he’s done washing his hands.
There’s no way he can hide this, it’s the first thing that comes into his mind when he sees it. Small hands tracing the words with slow, hesitant touches. 
It’s almost like his soulmate wants everyone to see these words, to know that he’s... hermoso, whatever that means. 
Keith is not so eager for the world to see these words, however.
He would have to wear high collars or scarfs for the rest of his life if he ever thought about covering this mark. But even when there’s no need for him to try and conceal it, as the school doesn’t have any rules against soulmate tattoos, he still feels the need to hide it from the everyone around him.
There’s someone out there now, his soulmate, who’s noticed him or met him for the first time and those thoughts are now tattooed into his throat.
A deep blush travels from his face to his collarbones at the idea. His soulmate is somewhere around the Garrison, and these foreign words are their first thoughts about him.
“Hermoso.” He tries to say with great difficulty, not really sure in how to roll the r in between the word. It ends up sounding awkward and he wonders if his soulmate will teach him how to say it, someday.
Will his soulmate reach out to him? 
A part of him wants them to, another part it’s almost afraid.
☰☰
Shiro smiles when he sees the mark on his throat, the older boy engulfs him in a warm hug, honestly happy for him. “My Spanish may be a little rusty.” Admits Shiro, kissing the top of Keith’s head even against the boy’s loud protests. “But I’m almost sure it means beautiful.”
The Garrison’s junior officer looks directly into his eyes as he says this.
“That can’t be” Mumbles Keith, rising the high collar of his uniform up at his chin. Beautiful is what you call flowers, butterflies, and pretty girls. It’s how his father used to talk about Keith’s mom.
“I don’t think I’m wrong.” Shiro smiles indulgently, opening the zipper of his jacket until his tattoo is clearly visible. “I think your soulmate thinks you’re beautiful and that’s fine.” He states. “That is exactly how love is supposed to be.”
“Do you have a mark?” Asks Keith, his little hands wrapping around his throat almost on instinct.
“Yes.” Answers Shiro, lifting the sleeves of his jacket, there, on his wrist the words «Cute Smile» sit comfortable like they belong. 
He does have a cute smile, it’s bright and reassuring all the same. The smile of a true leader.
Keith smiles hesitantly. “It’s true.” He admits, Shiro’s smile makes him feel right at home, safe, like there’s nothing wrong in the world even when everything clearly is.
“Then maybe you can be beautiful.” Counters the officer, tapping the top of his nose. “Your soulmate surely thinks so.”
☰☰
Lance is thirteen when he enters the academy; He’s away from his family, he’s miles away from the sea and he’s afraid that he will never make friends with anyone.
But he can feel the space at the tips of his fingers now, his dreams are closer to him now and even if he’s not the space hero protagonist he imagined he’d become as soon as he entered the academy, he knows this is a step closer to his future as pilot.
Four days into the academy, they do weapon training.
It’s a safe begginer’s practice for the most part; they start with blunt weapons as their instructor coldly tells them that there’s no way they can hurt themselves with them, that these weapons are harmless.
Lance can’t help but think that he’s lying, after all, weapons are weapons, specially under the wrong hands. 
But he stays silent.
The people at the Garrison obviously want them to get started on safe battle grounds because more than anything, they will be soldiers.
It should be easy, they give them blunt weapons of choice, ranging from brass knuckles to even one big maze that only someone like Hunk should handle at their age.
“You’ll face robots and drones alike; they wont hurt you but they will charge at you, robots are one pointers, drones...” Explains one of his teachers, pointing at the top of the high ceiling where four drones are flying high about them. “Are two pointers. Try and take them on.” He taunts them.
It’s a lot of fun, for the most part. He’s not good with any of the weapons, not even the Bō -Staff, truth is, no one is. But all of them have fun trying, building camaraderie in their failure.
Because they all fail, until Keith.
The boys destroys three big robots with the Bō -Staff just three minutes after his time starts; using its weight and material to his advantage, he’s not superhuman by any means but he’s smart.
Then, he takes the Sai swords.
Without breaking a sweat, the boy runs towards the destroyed robots to propel himself to the high ceiling of the gymnasium at the Garrison, the swords twirling between his fingers before hitting the first drone, then, he uses the momentum to fall into the second drone and hit it too, it’s ridiculous. 
The difference in between Keith and the rest of them is enormous.
Around him, all of their classmates are glaring at Keith. There’s nothing wrong if they all fail, that means they need more training.
But if one of them passes in the way Keith is passing, then it means the rest of the class is behind. They’re jealous, bitter.
But Lance can’t help but think:
Él es hermoso, la forma en que se mueve, ágil y mortal. Como una pantera acechando a su presa.
It’s the first time he thinks of the boy. But it surely won’t be the last.
Keith is larger than life, a beautiful monster, oblivious to the world around him; even Lance. 
With time, everything he does, is with Keith on his thoughts. Maybe if he gets stronger, he will be at Keith’s level, maybe they will become partners, fighting and flying shoulder to shoulder.
Reaching the stars side by side.
Keith never notices him, or so he thinks, but a week into the Garrison, Lace gets his mark. The word «Idiot» tattooed into the back of his neck, forever.
But he doesn’t notice it until Hunk points it out when they’re changing clothes after gym hours.
“Lance!” He screams exited. “You got your mark!” Probably not even thinking about what  those words say.
Hunk has always been a romantic, in love with love, never thinking about how cruel it can be.
“Really?” Asks Lance just as exited. “What does it say?”
“Oh…” Whispers Hunk, his voice audibly less chipper.
“What?” Insists Lance. “C’mon, Hunk. Don’t put me on edge, big boy.”
“Idiot.” He finally says. “It says idiot.”
“Oh…” Mimics Lance, his voice disappointed but not actually surprised.
A few days later, just at the start of summer, he sees Keith’s mark for the first time.
☰☰
When he tells his family they try to lighten the mood. “Oh, honey.” Laughs his mom through the screen when he video-chats them about it. “Pobrecita tiene que haberte visto hacer alguna tontería.”
Lance chuckles “Pobrecito, mamá.” He corrects her, “my soulmate is a boy, you know.”
At his words, his mom brightens. “Oh!” She exclaims, “You know who he is!”
“Yes.” Responds Lance with a grimace marring his face. “He’s beautiful.”
His mother is happy for him; in fact, his whole family is. But Lance can’t help but feel resentful. This is what Keith thinks of him, his first impression of Lance and he thinks he’s an idiot.
They’ve never exchanged words, never even fought. How stupid can he be if that’s the first thought a complete estranger has of him?
He doesn’t tell Keith that they’re soulmates, he won’t force the bright, beautiful future prodigy of the Garrison to stuck with a stupid cargo pilot.
Then Keith drops out of the Garrison and he doesn’t have to pretend. Without Keith there, Lance doesn’t have to pretend that he’s not in love.
☰☰
When they meet again he notices that Keith no longer hides his mark, now, instead of the high collars and tight shirts at his neck, he wears a black shirt with a deep v neck, showing off both his throat and his collarbones.
“It means beautiful.” He supplies one day, boldly tracing the words on his soulmate’s throat. They’re sitting on Lance’s bed in his room at the castle.
 Besides Shiro, Keith has only been comfortable with Lance touching him, after so many physical fights and training together maybe he no longer minds having the cuban boy near him.
Without thinking, Lace’s hand reaches out to the back of his own neck. “I thought you were beautiful, back then.” He confesses. “Beautiful and deadly, like a panther.” Clarifies the brunette, chuckling “I guess I wasn’t wrong, mister red lion.”
“What does your mark says?” Asks the red paladin, hesitant. He knows that Lance has a mark, he probably already knows the obvious, rhat Lace and him are soulmates.
“You don’t remember?” He asks, his voice small, insecure.
Keith puts his legs over Lance’s own, resting his head on his shoulder. “My dad died a year before I entered the Garrison.” He articulates as if it explained anything. “Two months later I met Shiro and he encouraged me to apply.” His is voice small, barely a whisper. “He gave me a reason to keep on going. Suddenly I had a meaning, I was good at flying and at fighting, a natural soldier, but...” He pauses. “I wasn’t happy.”
“Keith…” Tries Lance, not really knowing what to say. 
Keith is not really explaining anything but his words are having an impact on Lance anyway. No matter the words tattooed on their skin, even if they weren’t soulmates, Lance knows that he loves the other boy and he would never want him to be unhappy.
Keith interrupts him before he can even voice his thoughts. “I don’t remember when, but you got yourself caught in a rope one day. You were on the ground, just a mess of limbs and rope and I laughed.” He smiles. “I laughed so hard that I cried a little.”
“Glad to be of service.” Mutters Lance, tangling long fingers on Keith’s unruly hair.
“I thought you were an idiot, such an idiot.” Keith whispers, moving into his lap, trying to get as close to Lance as possible. “And I laughed for the first since my father died.” He pauses for a moment, looking up to Lance, trying to gauge his reaction to his words. Lance smiles down at his soulmate. “It was the first thing I thought about you but it wasn’t the last.” He rushes. “I swear.”
“Yeah?” Asks Lance with a goofy grin painted on his face as he carefully removes a rebellious lock of dark hair from Keith’s face.
“You were always around people, always happy.” Smiles Keith. “I wish your mark was different.” He confesses. “You’re funny, you’re brave, you’re tenacious.” Keith pauses for a moment, just to take Lance’s hand with his own. “You make me happy.”
“I’m suddenly fine with my mark if this s what you make of it.” Jokes Lance, even when he knows that he’s lying.
The reality it’s that he’s never going to forget the disappointment and the resentment. He has spent at least four years of his time at the Garrison thinking that his soulmate thought him nothing but an idiot and for some time, he tried to convince himself that Keith was right.
“I hope that’s not true.” Argues Keith. “I’m sorry about your mark.” He apologies. “Especially when my mark is…” He chokes, holding his throat like a lifeline. “Especially when mine is the best thing that could even happen to me.”
“It’s not fine.” Lance confesses. “I really wish it was fine, that I could feel proud of my mark like you do.”
“I’m sorry.” Apologies Keith once again, his face contorting in anguish.
“But it doesn’t mean that what I felt about you has changed. It doesn’t mean that you’re not my soulmate or that I wish you weren’t my soulmate.” He continues, holding onto Keith’s hips and drawing the other boy closer to him.
In this position they’re almost the same height, chest to chest with Keith being a head taller than him for the first time ever. Lance doesn’t mind. No with Keith’s legs straddling him like this.
“I want to make it up to you.” Whispers the red paladin over his lips like a promise.
“You don’t have to.” Answers Lance, his mouth barely touching Keith’s.
Keith doesn’t answer, instead, he closes the gap in between, his lips closing around Lance’s own lower lip with a conteted sigh.
Both boys moan together as they kiss, they’ve been waiting for this moment, building up the tension and the attraction until neither of them could take it anymore.
With a sigh, Keith wraps his arms around Lance’s neck, his fingertips caressing the words hidden at the back of his neck. “You really make me happy.” He murmurs, kissing his soulmate again, the tip of his tongue seeking entrance shyly.
Lance smirks and opens his mouth, his own tongue meeting Keith’s before closing his lips over Keith’s lips. His hands sneaking under the shorter boy’s shirt, feeling the warm skin there.
“You make me happy, too, beautiful.” He whispers, settling a warm, kiss under his soulmate’s jawbone. “Realmente me haces feliz, hermoso.”
Keith sighs, his whole body falling into Lance’s arms, content there.
Safe.
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nad-zeta · 4 years
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Hi, hi! I'm not following you for long, but I already love here! ♡ Can I ask a HC? Suddenly, I've been thinking about Yukimura, Ieyasu and Mitsunari, more specifically their lack of experience with women. I believe they've never been with a woman before MC, because of reasons (two tsunderes and too focused on work, respectively). So I'd like to ask for their first time with MC, if that's ok. Maybe forget they did it in their route? Sorry if I wasn't very clear, English is not my native language♡
Hehehe, thank you so much for the request, love! I could feel myself blushing the entire time while writing this lolz. I had to ask my brother what it’s like for a boy’s first time, so yeah, that was a strange conversation. Anyways here you go love, I hope you enjoy it!
It’s noting to NSFW but lolz I don’t know, I guess I would rate this read at own discretion lol PG13 
First Time HC with Yukimura, Mitsunari, Ieyasu 
Yukimura
So its no secret this boy has like 0 woman communication skill, he has basically spent most of his life training and fighting battles
But that all changed when he met you
You were the first woman he has ever been in a relationship with or even loved for that matter
Your relationship with this boy officially started when he kissed you on new years eve while the fireworks were going off
That was the first time he had ever kissed well anyone in his life, and after he thought darn why haven’t I done this before its great.
The two of you were starting to get really serious and you have been dropping hints like mad to take your relationship to the next level.
Yukimura knew you were dropping hints and during you intimate cuddle sessions he would always look for an excuse to delay doing THAT
Lol it was time to get some expert advice
He went to Shingen bright red, and before even opening his mouth, Shingen knew what was up
“So my little boy has finally decided to become a man, I’m so proud” Shingen said as he used his hand towel to dab the fake tears in the corner of his eyes
“I knew this was a bad idea,” before Yuki could leave Shingen grabbed his shoulder and sat him down
By the time Shingen was done with his explanation this poor boy was so red, and he felt like he was going to melt in a puddle of embarrassment
He left Shigens room in a daze, Sasuke saw his friend and instantly knew what had just gone down.
It was now Sasuke’s turn to impart knowledge, halfway through the explanation Kenshin walked into the room. Lol even he had some words of advice for Yuki. “Wait, but I thought you hated women.” To that Kenshin simply rolled his eyes and left giving one last final piece of advice
Today was the day, Yuki was 100% determined
The two of you are laying together in bed as you’ve done a 100 times before
Yukimura is overwhelmed with the overload of the advice and you can definitely tell something is up
You peer into his eyes asking him what is wrong
He covers his face with a pillow muttering into it that it’s his first time and he is a bit nervous
You take the pillow off his face and gaze into his amber eyes reassuring him, you now were also a blushy mess cause it was your first time too
Yuki immediately propped himself up on one arm and looked at you a little shook, “wait, really.” “yeah dummy so let’s figure this out of together okay”
He smiled and nodded
There was a lot of fumbling and awkwardness at first and both of your faces were red AF
In the beginning, there was lots of laughing at how nervous both of you were
Yuki kissed and touched you softly, loving and unhurried.
Each touch was tender and warm
As nervous as the two of you were, you wanted to take your time and make the experience last, taking your time exploring, touching and loving one another
Yukimura moves slow and lovingly, making sure you are comfortable and okay the whole time
His face will be close to you’re the whole time, either resting his forehead on your or kissing you, cause it is his first time he wants to take in your beautiful face and perfect body. 
He honestly can’t help but get lost in your beautiful eyes
This boy worships your body thanx to all daddy Shingen’s advice
Loves your soft moans, it definitely gives him the confidence he needs to keep going
The whole affair is very awkward, loving and gentle
Once he has reached his orgasm, he will keep going until you reach yours, Shingen didn’t raise no selfish boy
When both of you are tired and spent from the hours of lovemaking, he will clean you up and give you some tea or water. Will cuddle and snuggle the shit out of you whispering how much he loves you (Thanks to Kenshin’s softie boy advice). Watches you fall asleep while stroking your hair. Will fall asleep while hugging think about just how much he adores you
Mitsunari
The two of you have been together now for quite some time
Mitsunari has definitely been feeling an unknown feeling lately when the two of you are cuddling together
The poor little angel is so confused about what is going on with his body
Will go talk to Hideyoshi about it, and Hideyoshi will basically give him a crash course about everything he would need to know. 
Mitsunari still feels like there is more to be learned on this subject at hand
And what does Mitsunari do when he knows limited knowledge about a subject, jip research
Basically becomes a sex scholar now, he will learn everything and anything he can, even consulting some of his warlord friends
When the two of you are cuddling while reading together as you’ve done many nights before, he can’t help but start kissing your soft skin
He looks all cool and calm on the outside, but this boy be nervous
You look up into his Amathist eyes and see something you haven’t yet seen, desire.
This ain’t your first rodeo, and you have been waiting for the moment that Mitsunari would want to get a bit more intimate.
Mitsunari confessed to you that it was his first time, you reassure him by telling him, you will teach him everything you know
He starts by running his fingertips along your body, just savoring the the feeling of your soft skin
Mitsunari wants to take his time getting to know your body and finding all those spots that would bring you immense pleasure
He will kiss every inch of your body until his lips feel numb
He wants you to convey just how much he loves you through the gentle touches and kisses
Will spend most of his time pleasuring you, he has discovered that he LOVES eating you out!
Who knew this angel could be so naughty
This boy has discovered the art of teasing, will find each of your sweet spots and exploit them
He wants to feel you shiver beneath him, he loves you so much and wants to know that you want him as much as he wants you
This angel boy will legit give you his most innocent angelic smile while teasing the shit out of you- seems like he consulted with Mitsuhide
His actions are slow, soft, gentle and teasing
He is making love instead of merely just having sex
Will whisper the sweetest things in your ears the whole time
Will give you constant compliments, as well as ask you if you would like him to do anything, he will follow each one of your instructions to a T
Will gently clean you up afterward, he is really attentive and super sweet afterward, He just wants to love and hold you.  Angel boy will be pressing soft kisses into your hair, while spooning you from behind. He might even read you a sweet story to lull you into sweet dreams
Ieyasu
This tsundere boy has never found anyone who could love his fluffy contrary ways, until he met you
Gosh he loves you so so much
One day you went to his palace to visit him, the two of you had been in a relationship for a super long time now.
You guys were just chilling and having tea when all of a sudden it started raining
It was getting pretty late, and as the day progressed it seemed to get colder
Ieyasu went to light the fireplace and sat next to you wrapping a warm blankie around the two of you
Honestly, he has wanted to go down on you and is constantly desiring you, he is just super good at hiding it but now thanks to the rain, the mood and atmosphere was perfect
He doesn’t waste a moment he immediately reaches for you and starts kissing you softly, slowly moving down your neck
He picks you up and gently put you down on his futon, he is looking at you questioningly, you nod and give him the go-ahead.
The rain creates the perfect dim lighting
He hovers over you for a few moments just taking in your pure beauty
He will take his time enjoying the feeling of your soft skin under his calloused palms
Ieyasu is a fast learner even though it is his first time he will gently kiss and touch you all over finding all those little spots that makes you moan and scream out his name.
 After a while, he will know exactly which spot to nibble or touch to make you shudder
This boy loves kisses and will legit kiss every inch of your beautifully soft skin, he might just leave a few love bites in its wake
He will move slow, soft and lovingly, every kiss and touch will be gentle and feather-light  telling you exactly just how much he loves you and how much you mean to him
The boy is very vocal
Every moment is filled with sweet whispers, of him telling you how breathtaking you are, how much he loves you and how perfect you are
Softi boy will make sure both of you are completely satisfied
He loves touching your face and staring into your beautiful eyes
Afterward, he will clean you up and spoon you from behind, while drawing soft circles on your bare skin for hours. You are the only one he will show weakness to. He will whisper to you afterward that you were actually his first, poor boy will be blushing the whole time. Aftercare with Ieyasu will consist of the sweetest softest snuggles, soft words, and sweet endearments
I hope ya enjoyed it, love! ❤❤🔥🥰
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encyclopika · 4 years
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18 & 20 For the ask game!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH KAT!!! <3 God this is long.
From this writer’s ask game...feel free to send me some asks!!! :D
Gonna link the stories here for reference and for anyone interested in reading!
The Missing Series // Fire and Brimstone
--
18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.
Yes, ma’am! First I’m going to say that most do not, but the Missing series, particularly all that concerning Asuka and Ai, does in a big way...particularly the completely altered timeline that follows them if she doesn’t go away. You’ve seen the comic, where Ai doesn’t lose her nerve that snowy day and makes it obvious to him she also has stock in a deeper relationship. Yeah, that one. I’m currently working on more short comics from that timeline. Not necessarily a whole story, but snippets from that fluffier timeline. But that also means a few things happen differently - for one, Krow doesn’t join the Ryukyu offices, mostly because, in that timeline, he’s allowed to fulfill his own heroic story faster than he can in Missing. He’s not actually a rescue hero, but he doesn’t have Ai around in the main series to come into that as quickly. 
I also almost went harder on Ochako’s duality in Missing, almost making Uravity a separate entity that was starting to hate Ochako’s bullshit. I honestly hated that and clearly didn’t do that. Instead, the duality is more “in her head” than anything. This idea kinda comes out in Krow and Asuka instead.
Additionally, there was, once upon a time, an alternative “Missing”, in which Deku chooses not to return to Tokyo for the Pyromancer case, and Ochako faces him alone. It gets obnoxiously dark and gritty, to the point where I’ve taken that OnO fuel and split it between Escape Artists and my little-known horror project Downpour I’ve been working on in not-secret. But, yeah, that’s definitely an abandoned plotline...*shudders*.
There are small details here and there that I changed in both Missing and Missing Out that created alts, mostly concerning Deku and how he fights baddies/figures things out, name changes for OCs, The Ring’s and Pyromancer’s whole identities changed, and Irina’s characterization has really gone through the ringer (from being another lovable asshole bird like Krow that simply gets on his nerves, to being a dangerous, but important antagonist). I also had Deku introduce the idea that people’s quirks can kill them in Missing because I intended to explore it more, and I’m not sure if that’s totally abandoned... 
Thanks for asking this one. <3
--
20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)
Yes. 
All of that. I don’t wanna toot my own horn, but I live for hidden messages, references, callbacks, foreshadowing and symbolism. The Missing series (and to a lesser extent, Fire and Brimstone) is simply overflowing with these things...there’s so much that even with all of the people who have read it, there are still gems and Easter Eggs left to be discovered. And, before I get into it and make this post obscenely long, my reasoning for doing this is simple - I want you to read my fics again...I want to have reread value. 
I’m going to put it under a cut in case anyone wants to discover them for themselves and also general spoils. Here are the ones I’m MOST proud of or that make me laugh or, dare I say it, make me feel smart. This is not an exhaustive list, and of course, I’m not pointing out any future Missing series meta for sake of spoilers.
Titling 
Titles, titles, titles, girl you know I love titles. I’m a title SNOB. And I do A LOT of fun things with titles, such as:
1. Using the title of the fic as a buzz word and callback to the theme. 
I get real obnoxious with this in the Missing series. The overarching theme of Missing is, well, missing people, particularly in the vain of heartache, loss, and longing. And I put it everywhere:
From Missed Chance:
Despite keeping steadfast to her goals and to her future, she knew that for a long time, she'd be missing him.
From Missing:
Today, there would be an update. As much as she wished it weren't so, the only time she saw Deku was when it had to do with Pyromancer or for a brief moment before leaving the police station in the mornings. Any other time, she was missing him.
“I miss you.”
...
“I'm always missing you.” 
That's probably how he wanted it - being Asuka, the one still missing Ai, was too painful.
It couldn't ever be the same again, and Ochako was happy for it, feeling like her life was now so full.
And not a thing was missing.
From Missing Out:
“Miss me?”
“Only a little.”
But even when she was being annoying as hell, I craved her, like I knew I'd miss her. 
Still, after all that time in the cold, her lips seemed like a warm reprieve...if I could have ever gotten there...
I miss her.
I'm always missing her.
^This one’s a double whammy, for obvious reasons.
2. Using chapter titles to run with a theme, too.
This only happens in Missing and Missing Out, but, look:
Chapter titles for Missing are the life of a fire and also follow the level of stress in the fic, as well as Ochako’s feelings: Hot Coals, Rekindling, Reignited, On Fire, Blazing, Inferno, Burn Out, Backdraft
Those words are used in their respective chapters too AND we run through them when Ochako is considering confessing or not in the last chapter.
I pull the same kind of crap in Missing Out, except all the chapter titles are things Ai gave to Asuka. If it’s an object, the object is in the chapter, otherwise, it’s stated in the chapter, too.: A Desperate Lie, Lunch, Skills, Home, No Conditions, Second Chances, Worry, Agony. It’s also in reference to this, because kill me, I guess.
Bonus: Since the story is told from within the theatre of Asuka’s memories, the titles for chapters 7 and 8, “Worry” and “Agony”, are spoiled in Chapter 6 here:
I didn't know I'd missed my last shot at telling her...I didn't know that I really would be missing out on a life with her.
Because everything after this is worry and agony.
BONUS BONUS - THE TITLE OF THE FIC APPEARS HERE TOO BECAUSE I’M OBNOXIOUS.
3. Title allusions and character.
Particularly for “Fire and Brimstone”, the title sounds like it’s just about the main boys, Katsuki = Fire, and Kirishima = Brimstone. BUT BUT BUT it’s also referencing biblical shit, which is appropriate, given it’s an Angel/Demon AU. It refers to God’s wrath when people use it loosely, but it is also the torment in hell for the deadly sin lust. *hint hint nudge nudge*
--
Okay that’s enough about titles. How about the fact that 
Krow is a Crow
So many little crow quirks, lore, and bullshit is put into this character, like wow.
1. The entire concept of his quirk is all about crow lore, in that they are often connected with death in a number of cultures. This is why, although he doesn’t like to explain it, his quirk isn’t literally a sense of smell, but a little more mystical than that. It’s a sense. His quirk also references the Carrion Crow, Corvus corone, for which he’s based, which is a scavenger and is heavily associated with carrion and is native to Japan.
2. The green and purple iridescence of his wings are also referred from the Carrion Crow in particular. 
3. What’s not overly obvious is that crows and ravens have positive lore too - in a number of cultures they are guides and messengers, sometimes to people, sometimes to Gods, which Krow fulfills to both Ochako and Ai (with Ai’s quirk, she could be compared to a goddess, for which he acts as the messenger - this was how she figured their partnership would work). Krow kind of puts this and the negative lore together when he explains his quirk for real in Missing Out:
 As a teenager, I ignored them. Death is everywhere and it usually isn't important. Whatever messages they need sending, I'm not the crow they're looking for.
He also actually has a messenger bag in Missing Out.
4. It’s referenced in Missing and outright admitted in Missing Out that he’s inexplicably attracted to shiny things, which is more or less also crow lore, rather than fact, but still. 
5. Krow’s name “Asuka” is a unisex name that refers to scents, but also birds and flight. There are a bunch of different refs that say differently, but I’m sticking with that. “Dakuro” is Engrish for “Dark”, which, if you really wanna meta, is actually his last name, considering his father is British. “Dakuro” is just how the Japanese people around him pronounce it. XD
6. He admits to collecting random shit he finds aesthetic, in reference to hoarding and collecting as crows do. 
7. Asuka and Ai’s “lunch for quirk fodder” exchange, as well as his giving her the necklace and the box of quirk fodder, is in direct reference to this adorable true story.
8. Asuka speaks more than one language and is capable of mimicry during his “feral response” while fighting the Bear Trap Villain. This is in reference to the fact that crows and ravens are capable of mimicking human speech like parrots.
9. Asuka likes to sit in high places and watch people, and squats in tree for the majority of Missing Out and often bitches about walking anywhere, unless it’s to protect Ai. He has the mentality of a bird. He’s also built like a bird, with hollow bones and air sacs to assist his properly sized wings during flight.
10. He’s actually incredibly intelligent, and uses it to finagle out of tough situations and generally be a trickster, as is crow/raven lore, but crows/ravens are considered the smartest group of birds besides parrots. Unfortunately, this gets balanced out by the fact he’s a teenage human boy, which makes him lazy and capable of dumbass moments. 
11. The murder investigations - there’s a number of instances where Krow can’t help but be drawn to death from his death sense in both Missing and Missing Out. He can’t stop himself from investigating the building Pyro is hiding in, the murder warehouse, and when Ai dies. Crows and ravens will gather around fallen comrades in a mix of mourning and also in an effort to try and figure out what happened and if that threat still pertains to them. 
:3 Birb <3
--
Secret Messages and Tells and Foreshadowing and Symbolism
-In Missed Chance, the duality split of Ochako and Uravity is referenced as happening at a particular moment. Throughout Missing, Uravity is treated as apart from Ochako until the end of Missing where they “agree” on letting Deku help. It’s a duality of self representation.
-At the end of Missing, I’m hoping its clear everyone but Iida was in on leaving the two of them alone. Aoyama initiates it by leaving first.
-There are at least two instances where there’s heavy foreshadowing of the end of chapter 7, once with Aoyama:
“Then where in this overcrowded city?”
“I see. Among the clouds, then.*”
And again with Deku:
“That's a relief. Now, I just need to make sure I don't float myself into the stratosphere and you'll be right!”
-There is SO MUCH symbolism related to flying and birds, I can’t really put it all here, but it’s there. Also so much symbolism to fire in Missing, not only with Pyro’s quirk, but Ochako’s feelings..
-Krow reacts to a memory of Ai before we know she exists (since he’s hiding it) while they are interrogating Necromancer: “That’s not bringing them back. That’s nothing like bringing them back.” He also lets it slip a bit that he’d speaking from experience when ragging on Ochako about Deku. Deku also introduces the idea that people’s quirks can kill them in the same chapter, which is in reference to Ai, but also what ends up happening to Ochako, more or less.
-If you replace Ai’s name with the literal meaning of her name in some sentences of Missing and Missing Out, the UwU angst goes up to an 11. Here’s the one that’s particularly the gut punch:
Ai saved me in every way someone could be saved.
[Love] saved me in every way someone could be saved.
-End of chapter 5 of Missing Out, No Conditions, it should be obvious as hell that if Ai wasn’t in love with Asuka before, she certainly is now. Particularly in the gift box scene, he gives her...butterflies...right? 
-Ai is compared to the winter throughout Missing Out. This is more in reference to what she means to Asuka than anything else. Winter, as a season, is the great equalizer and although things die in the winter, it is also necessary to the bloom in spring. This refers to the shift in Asuka’s life because of her - his villain life ends and his hero life begins. 
-In fact, that whole scene in the snow is based off this gif, particularly the alt comic. It’s of two crows sitting in the snow kissing UwU.
-In both Fire and Brimstone and Missing Out, it should be getting pretty obvious I like to have my winged beasties flutter their wings when they’re in love. 
--
Referencing Literature & Real Life & Pop Culture/Memes
-Pyromancer’s first crime in Alaska is based off the McCarthy, Alaska massacre where a lone gunman gunned down 6 of the 22 residents and injured more. Guy almost killed the entire town. Pyromancer actually did.
-I’ve referred to “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe a number of times, particularly in Krow’s famous line
“Nevermore, bitch!”
But I also referenced the Telltale Heart, The Cask of Amontillado, Frankenstein, The Wizard of Oz, and fanfiction in general. 
-There’s a pop culture reference in Fire and Brimstone from Bioshock where Shinso says:
“Would you kindly go repent at the alter? Ashido is waiting.”
And I love it a lot, because in Bioshock SPOILERS, “would you kindly” is the trigger phrase that’s supposedly controlling the player, Jack, to do things for Atlas and in canon, Shinso’s quirk is brainwashing. Mineta upon hearing it just goes “okay” and promptly does what Shinso tells him. Shinso’s brainwashing is also referred to by Mineta just before that:
“Or get brainwashed into believing fairy tales,” Mineta said flatly from beside the Angel.
-There is indeed a motherfucking JoJo’s reference in Missing. And there’s more memes where that came from.
-Krow’s use of “my guy”, “lit” etc etc. is self explanatory. He is a whole ass meme chicken.
-In fact, I call Krow and the other birds of the Missing series “chickens” because of the meme of the girl pointing to a bunch of geese saying “look at all these chickens!” In fact, Irina calls and will call Krow a “cock” in Missing Out and Escape Artists, and it’s kind of a more sinister play on this. Transplant and Keeper, during their convo in Missing Out refer to the women captive under Keeper part of her “henhouse” and that she’d need a “rooster” to go through with her plans. Krow also refers to his fight with Irina as a “cockfight”.
-I’m not religious, but the lore is fun to allude to. The religious references should be clear in Fire & Brimstone, and a lot of the words I use relate to the topic, even casually in the narration, but also when the characters say “like hell!” Also in F&B, the real Angelic hierarchy shapes much of the worldbuilding, as do the references to real life racism, police brutality, and other shit like that.
In Missed Chance, the sun coming through the window puts a “halo” around Deku.
In Missing Out, Krow refers to demons on a number of occasions, sometimes towards himself, his family (which in comes the irony, since they look like Angels), but towards the end, it’s used to explain Ai’s mental illness. There are also these choice lines that entertain the notion of heaven and hell:
  Below us was hell – mothers with agendas, school, dipshits, murderous villains, oh my! But up there? It was just us...
I was under no illusions about a heaven...hell certainly exists back down on the ground but I've been high enough now to rule the other place out. Unless this cold, quiet nothingness is supposed to be the intuitive opposite to the chaotic, unfair bullshit below.
-There’s a lot of references and characters with mental illnesses - psychosis, sociopathy, anxiety, depression and PTSD are all explored. In fact, Krow’s tendency to laugh at everything and get triggered by certain events (all of Missing Out is the result of him triggering himself in order to make Ochako realize her mistake) is a tell-tale sign he suffers greatly from PTSD, and Ai’s mental breakdowns are indicative of the anxiety I myself suffer from. Honestly, I just wanted some fics that look into it. 
-In the same strain, all of the characters in Missing present different coping mechanisms towards what first-responders actively go through irl. Much of that was taken from my own life as someone with police in the family and being married to a firefighter/EMT.  
--
Okay, that’s enough. Hope you enjoyed...I certainly had fun outlining all of it XD
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thecloserkin · 5 years
Text
fic rec: we get dark, only to shine by anghraine
fandom: The Borgias (Showtime 2011)
pairing: Cesare Borgia/Lucrezia Borgia
word count: 168k, unfinished
Is it canon: Yes
Is it explicit: Yes
Is it endgame: Yes
Is it shippable: Yes
Bottom line: hi my name is asdfghhkl i’ve been in fandom half my life and this is without a doubt a top 5 fic for me. i mean i got to the end and i went right back to the beginning to reread it
This is a Season 1 AU where Cesare and Lucrezia are each other’s first loves, as they ought to have been. First of all I absorbed more Borgia history via this fic than three published biographies put together (Sarah Bradford, Lucrezia Borgia: Life Love and Death in Renaissance Italy; GJ Meyer, The Borgias: The Secret History; Christopher Hibbert, The Borgias and Their Enemies). I found myself looking forward to the end of every chapter so I could devour the footnotes. This is a meticulously researched, perfectly paced, ingeniously plotted gem of a story that made all the historical details relevant. It is also a very cerebral story, which is not to say it didn’t sucker-punch me in the gut, just that it isn’t rough around the edges — it is SHARP. Lucrezia and Cesare are whip-smart; all the secondary characters are smart; the author is obviously brill and you, dear reader, better bring both your brain cells if you want to keep up.
To set the scene, we are in Rome at the beginning of the papacy of Alexander VI aka Rodrigo Borgia, the first pope to openly acknowledge his children gotten out of wedlock. The primary thing to understand about the Borgias is they are FOREIGNERS. They are from Valencia and their native tongue is Catalan; and while Cesare, Juan, Lucrezia and Jofre may have been born in Rome, foreigners they will forever remain in the eyes of the xenophobic populace. Rome is a cesspit of backstabbing and the Borgias are an unusually close-knit, insular clan. Here is an overview of Cesare and Lucrezia’s codependent-from-the-cradle relationship, intensified ofc by the hostile environment of Rome:
At first, Lucrezia would scream whenever the nurse took her away, and sneak after him at all hours. Cesare scarcely spoke, except to her. They looked like kicked puppies.
Yet it had always been that way with them: Lucrècia a little queen reigning over their games, Cèsar devoted to her.
he never paid much attention to other women around Lucrezia, even when she was little more than a prattling child.
Cesare had woken with Lucrezia in his bed more times than he could count. At eight, twelve, a newly-returned sixteen, he often opened his eyes to his sister sprawled beside him or curled up under his blankets. On more anxious nights, when she had an unpleasant dream or felt particularly troubled, he would find her pressed against him
“When he left for Perugia, one might have believed him going to his gallows. Their letters must have stripped a forest.”
Ok not to be an incest junkie on main but shoutout to the Childhood Bedsharing Trope. “When he left for Perguia” is when he went away to university, leaving Lucrezia disconsolate. When he came home following this extended absence is when her feelings for him flowered into sexual desire. The fic opens on the eve of Lucrezia’s marriage to Giovanni Sforza. Her impending nuptials are causing her anxiety:
”But I am a Borgia. I should not be afraid of anything.” “Nonsense,” said Cesare, “I fear dozens of things, myself.” “You?”
So much to unpack here:
being a Borgia means never letting the world see your weakness
Lucrezia’s hero-worship!!! she obviously thinks he’s the bravest person she knows
Cesare confessing his vulnerability, his fears, chief of which is “I fear most of all for your happiness. I shall not be able to ensure it from so far.” i am y e l l i n g
To relieve her anxiety about pleasing her bridegroom, she convinces Cesare to give her KISSING LESSONS. That’s how it starts. Did someone say I Want My Brother to Be My First because I love this song.
“Is there no one else?” he demanded. She tilted her head inquisitively. “Is there a man you would rather instructed me? Really, is there another man you would permit to touch me? To even remain alone with me? Juan? Should I ask him instead?” “No!” Cesare scrambled to his feet.
She knows exactly how to push his buttons, doesn’t she? She baits him with the idea of another man touching her—specifically Juan, his archrival—an idea guaranteed to get his blood up, and Cesare instantly shoves his scruples aside. A kissing lesson ensues, Lucrezia is married shortly thereafter, and that’s how things stand when this fic diverges from canon: Cesare stops by Pesaro to visit Lucrezia.
Now we all know how Lucrezia’s first marriage went—her husband treated his horse a sight better than he treated her. And we see her struggle with telling Cesare the truth about the abuse, because the importance of the Sforza alliance must stay Cesare’s hand from his natural impulse to pulverize anyone who hurts Lucrezia. I like how this fic draws a distinction between the family’s reaction and Cesare’s reaction:
as soon as Cesare understood, he would be set on vengeance. Any brother would, even one less devoted than Cesare. Jofrè would probably cheer him on. Juan would have strung Sforza up already. And of course, Cesare was Cesare.
Juan and Jofre are her brothers too, and neither of them would have let Sforza’s behavior slide. Cesare, though, is on a whole other level. Cesare actually sees red. The most romantic thing he does in this entire story is play chess with Lucrezia all night to spare her the nightly ordeal of marital rape. That was the first night. The second day he has Micheletto loosen the girth of Sforza’s saddle to cause a nonfatal riding accident which—honestly it makes way more sense thematically for the brother who loves her more than life to do this, than for an untutored stableboy whom Lucrezia met 5 minutes ago to suddenly exhibit master assassin skills?!! Fuck canon, this is what happened. Also fuck insta-love, I’m so glad Cesare and Lucrezia are head over heels for each other rather than some randos.
His pulse quickened in his throat, yet it was nothing he had not seen before, when he read to her until she fell asleep, talked to her as she sulked in her room, sat at her bedside wiping cloths all over her feverish head.
I’m so soft for this!!! Tfw it’s not the physical proximity to your sibling—that part’s familiar—what’s new is your feelings shifting like tectonic plates?? Askjdfkdjfd.
The thing that really precipitates the affair is Lucrezia’s brute of a husband, obviously. This fic has one or two Giovanni Sforza POVS and it does such a great job of depicting that discomfort of being laughed at by people smarter than you. Sforza was strong-armed into this match and he feels slighted by the choice of bride—because she’s bastard-born, because she’s Spanish, he thinks he’s married down. This brings him into inevitable conflict with Cesare, who will brook no insult to Lucrezia on his watch:
“My sister, Lord Sforza, is a daughter of Rome. Roman-born, Roman-bred, Roman to her fingertips. Is it not so, Lucretia?”
The POWER of this line—remember when i said the Borgias are forever seen as outsiders despite being BORN IN ROME? i felt that.
Perhaps their mother was right, and she loved him too much. Too much, at any rate, to spare that kind of love for anyone else. Sforza was a monster, but if he had not been, she still would not have loved him.
Vanozza is very perceptive; she fears her children’s all-consuming love for each other leaves little room for other attachments AND SHE WAS RIGHT. To put it baldly:
They had spent their hearts on each other, all they had to give, with only scraps left for anyone else.
“I am your brother, Lucrezia … There is a word for this. I would not have anyone say it of you.” “A word for what? … For loving me more than the baronessa Ursula, or some other woman you only half-know?”
THERE IS A WORD, Cesare intimates. He won’t even say it aloud. But this black cloud of rumor and innuendo that hangs over their family is not going to dissipate just because they refrain from giving into their feelings. The first time Cesare heard someone call his sister a whore, she was literally four years old. They’ve had to guard their hearts their whole lives because there is no one they can trust outside the family — and yet the family itself is riven by strife and jealousy (Lucrezia has a good laugh when her maid mistakes “my brother is coming to dinner” for “the Duke of Gandia is coming to dinner”— as if Juan would ever visit her in Pesaro!):
“I am the only person in the world you love without qualification or resentment or confusion, aren’t I?” “Yes … Well. Some confusion.” “And yet you pull away from me. You have spent our lives pulling away from me, because--what? There is a word? You will not even say it. Why should we care if people who hate us, hate our blood and our language and our father, use one more insult? For heavens’ sake, Cesare, you yourself told me that this friar in Florence preaches against my hair.”
!!!! The dig at Savonarola I fell out of my chair looooool
“We have no real friends here, do we? We don’t even have allies beyond the Sforza. Everything depends on Papa. If anything happens, perhaps--perhaps it would be better to go home.” “We could run away to Valencia,” he murmured, eyes distant, almost wistful.
They never entertain this as a serious possibility because “anything is better than obscurity” and sry2say a modern AU is the only place these kids are going to get a happy ending. They’re too ambitious and fiercely protective of their family for aught else.
the affinity they’d always felt flaring to life, the certainty that he could depend on her abilities as well as her loyalties. Together they had outwitted Giovanni Sforza and all of Pesaro; now there was the Pope, their family, Rome, and then--all of Italy? The world? Why not?
I say again, HE COULD DEPEND ON HER ABILITIES AS WELL AS HER LOYALTIES. Because they’re a team. Picture Cesare and Lucrezia, weapons in hand, back to back holding off a horde of enemies—but like, metaphorically. That’s the kind of partnership they have, that’s the kind of trust they share.
he would put her before ambition and glory. Even their father had not … Cesare wasn’t like the Pope. He loved her more than anything.
Meaning there are things her father would put before her happiness, but there is absolutely NOTHING Cesare would not do for her. What woman could resist this utter unhesitating devotion when it is laid at her feet??
gazing at her with all the adoration he had never offered to God
He would never hurt me. If she knew nothing else, she knew that.
She resolves to consummate their relationship, despite all her knowledge of sex being bound up with pain. Like, she literally doesn’t know if sex can even be pleasurable for women, but she wants Cesare in the face of her fear, which is impressive and heartbreaking:
there were Roman courtesans who knew something of him that Lucrezia did not, and it was intolerable. She wanted everything.
Yessss she already has the rest of him, she just wants this one last piece of Cesare to belong to her too. And as for Cesare, this is the first & only time physical attraction and emotional connection have been united in the same partner:
he had never been one to stay in a woman’s bed, afterwards, but he felt no inclination to move.
She laid her hand against his face, rubbing her thumb over his cheekbone, gazing at him with her impossible mix of steady, companionable affection and rapture.
He had long known that he did not love anyone as he did Lucrezia; now he could not imagine desiring anyone as much, either.
What I love is that the romantic/sexual aspect is just another layer overlaid on what has always been the most important relationship in their respective lives; it doesn’t change the underlying dynamic:
“Have we been mauled by bears, do you think?” “Nothing so dramatic, I’m afraid. We would need scratches for that.”
This is them putting their clothes on after an assignation in the woods (they go riding a lot). What strikes me is the companionable tenor of their conspirational lies.
She relished each touch, yet there was something ordinary in it, familiar and commonplace. Your cross is crooked. Your cap is falling off. Let me adjust your sleeve. I can mend your tunic. They had always been peculiarly domestic together, a comfortable intimacy they never repeated with their brothers.
hello siblings being simultaneously incestuous & domestic is my kink byeeeee
“Cesare,” said Lucrezia, eyes widening, “am I your mistress now?” “You are Lucrezia Borgia. The Pope’s daughter and my beloved sister. The man who calls you anyone’s mistress will lose his tongue. As for you and I, we are what we are. I love you. We belong to each other. That is all.”
NO LABELS WE JUST BELONG TO EACH OTHER. Favorite favorite favorite line forever
His sister, his — lover? How could he give up either? What have I done?
Please picture me shoveling popcorn into my mouth as I type this. This is the pinnacle of everything I love about incest ships. You don’t fuck your sister unless you fucking mean it. It’s like you’re married from the first kiss. As Lucrezia explains later to someone who has ferreted out their secret: “He is not some lover to be mourned and forgotten. If I lose him over this, I lose him in everything.”
You can’t date your brother casually, the stakes are HIGH.
A lover is invented in order to explain Lucrezia’s love bites and torn clothing to her maid. Micheletto accepts this explanation as well, until one day he realizes the true state of affairs, and it’s such an innocuous little moment, it’s not like Micheletto wALks iN On tHEM or anything similarly dramatic, oh no. He is watching them—he is always watching—and he must have picked up on some subtle cue of body language or something bc all of a sudden it hits him they’re in love:
Valentino bent his head down; Lucrezia was saying something, Catalan, scarcely comprehensible through her heavy accent and giggles--Micheletto thought it had to do with the Duke of Gandía and a race. Whatever it was, Valentino whispered back to her, mouth against her ear, and they burst out laughing. There was no lover. He could not say, exactly, how he knew for certain then, with no proof, and not before or after. But he knew it. There were no others for them, no room for others: only Valentino and Lucrezia, and Micheletto watching over them.
The perfect encapsulation of this show tbh!!!
They are recalled to Rome to attend Joffre’s wedding to Sancia d’Aragon. They leave Lucrezia’s recuperating husband behind in Pesaro.
“If this all depends upon the impression that Juan makes--” “God help us,” said Cesare.
first of all, FINISHING EACH OTHER’S SENTENCES. but also, this is a delicate mission Juan’s been dispatched on—sent to Naples to woo Jofre’s bride—and i am l i v i n g as I watch Cesare & Lucrezia bond over their low opinion of Juan’s diplomatic mettle. it reminds me of that scene in S2E1 during the masquerade ball when Lucrezia asks Cesare if he can make her laugh, and IMMEDIATELY he causes Juan (who is dancing) to take a humiliating stumble and then Lucrezia & Cesare choke back giggles behind their masks. What’s great about returning to Rome is we get to see them interact with the rest of their family. The Pope is wroth with Cesare for staying so long away and for ignoring his summonses, but Cesare tells him the truth—that Lucrezia needed him:
“Your daughter, Holy Father, could wring concessions out of a saint, and I am anything but that.”
The audacity!! Cesare straight up confessed to fucking the Pope’s daughter but he said it flippantly, so Alexander heard what he wanted to hear.
Then there’s Giulia, who takes one look at Lucrezia and detects the glow of first love. Lucrezia fobs her off with the same story of a clandestine lover, assignations in the woods, etc.:
“Swear to me that you will not repeat what I have said.” “To your father? I already promised that.” “To anyone! … Father would separate us. Juan would kill him. If my husband discovered it …” Lucrezia shuddered. “That would indeed be a disaster,” Giulia said, “but I think you have forgotten someone, Lucrezia.” “What do you mean?” She touched Lucrezia's face. “Your brother Cesare.” Lucrezia absolutely froze.
BWAHAHAHA and then Lucrezia scrambles to convince Giulia that her secret is that Cesare is discreetly facilitating her affair, rather than the far more salacious secret that Cesare is her affair.
“Men,” Giulia said carefully, “say many things, Lucrezia.” “Other men,” said Lucrezia …. The very idea that Cesare might not love her!
And of course Lucrezia is in a v unique situation here but it is the lot of highborn girls in Renaissance Europe to be bartered off to seal an alliance; Lucrezia was raised to expect it. She did no more than her duty. She also recognizes the balance of power is never going to be in her favor when it comes to matters of the heart. With one notable exception, of course:
But Lucrezia had never shown the slightest inclination to guard herself from him. I love you, she’d said as soon as she could babble out the words, clambering into his lap, wrapping her arms about his neck, toddling after him, I love you best, I love you most. And now she declared herself dozens of times a day, in word or deed: whispering into his ear, laughing at his side, crawling into his arms when she could and watching him with a greedy, possessive look when she could not.
Cesare is the only one she trusts to never hurt her, whose interests are always aligned with hers, are never opposed to her family’s since Cesare is her family. The only wrinkle is, he can’t protect her adequately as he promised to. Cesare reflects that if the truth about the incest ever came out “he would be lucky to escape with excommunication, while Giovanni Sforza could violate her nightly and nobody would say a word.” The unjustness of this, the way patriarchy arrays itself in Sforza’s defense, galls Cesare to no end.
Another person who comes into their orbit in Rome is Jofre’s new bride, Sancia of Aragon. It’s historical canon that she slept with both Juan and Cesare; in this fic of course Cesare/Lucrezia are exclusive. Lucrezia can’t decide whether Sancia is predatory (she wants to bang Cesare) or suspicious (she has a hunch Cesare is banging Lucrezia). Either way:
Lucrezia wanted Sancia dead, or disfigured, or shamed--and she wanted her to leave happily with Jofrè--and she wanted Juan to take her away, to satisfy her with some kind of discretion--and for one mad moment, Lucrezia wanted everyone to know what Cesare was to her.
Sancia and Juan, by the way, conduct an outrageously indiscreet affair where their lovemaking is so obnoxious it keeps Lucrezia up at night. She does what she always does when she seeks solace: she crawls into Cesare’s bed. They’re young, they’re honry, they’re in love … but the sound of Juan pounding away at Sancia definitively kills the mood. Lmao. The next morning at breakfast Cesare & Lucrezia lay their complaints before Alexander, who gives Cesare a cardinal’s palace to live in and bids him take Lucrezia with him. So now the two of them move out of the papal palace into their very own palace. I mean, the possibilities are endless! Here is a gem from Sancia and Juan’s pillowtalk, where Juan’s assessment is simultaneously hilariously off base and 100% accurate:
“Cesare has always been a sanctimonious prude, if you ask me. At any rate, Lucrezia says he's having a fit of celibacy.” “Lucrezia?” Sancia said, nearly laughing. “What, he tells her about his—?” Juan snorted. “They probably tell each other about their bowel movements.”
Some of my favorite moments from this “Cesare + Lucrezia keeping house together” idyll: She visits him in the confessional, they hold a lengthy strategy conference about Sancia’s divided loyalties, and he wraps up with:
“Have you any other sins to confess?” “No … Well, I am guilty of the sin of lust, but you knew that already.”
LOOOOOL and how could I forget this:
She always wanted him: when he approached her, when he touched her, looked at her, when she thought of him, when someone mentioned his name.
I give you my main bitch Lucrezia Borgia, who fantasizes about being rawed by her brother WHENEVER SOMEONE MENTIONS HIS NAME. We stan a bona fide legend.
Ok so among the people they encounter in Rome are their cousins Isabel and Bernardo, who are also Borgias, and who independently unravel the truth re: Cesare & Lucrezia, which means that we get not one but two Outsider POVs which means I have probably died and gone to heaven. My friends TONIGHT WE FEAST IN VALHALLA. Ain’t nothing I love more than an Outsider POV angle on an incestuous romance, and in this case we are truly blessed because we get two. This is Bernardo as he listens to Cesare wax lyrical about his new paramour:
Yet Bernardo heard none of the wild passion or simpering folly of men in the throes of infatuation; Cesare looked and sounded less like a newly enthralled lover, and more like a man speaking of someone he knew well and liked a great deal. Bernardo felt a flicker of alarm.
Bruh you’re supposed to talk about your mistress’s tits not her personality clearly Cesare did not get the memo?? And this is Bernardo when the pieces finally click into place for him—he walks in on Lucrezia dyeing her hair:
A Spaniard, very fair? By nature? No, Cesare had said, half-laughing, and even then Bernardo caught the odd shift in his tone, from the adoration of a lover to an easy, familiar affection. And he remembered Cesare, indignant even for a young man in the throes of infatuation. She is not my mistress!
It’s the vehemence with which he denies it, the “not my mistress” part, that gives Cesare away. Because she’s not; she’s his everything. Bernardo cannot seem to wrap his head around how they can be both siblings and soulmates, since for him there is just no overlap between those categories:
Cesare certainly looked and sounded more brother than forbidden paramour. That, in itself, troubled him; if they had rejected the fact of their blood relationship in pursuit of their lusts, convinced themselves that they did not truly feel themselves family, pretended to be something other than what they were—well, that would have been bad enough. But they did not pretend. They acted less as if they willfully transgressed the boundary between siblings and lovers, and more as if they utterly failed to notice its existence.
Cesare and Lucrezia glanced at each other, their conspiratorial smiles alarmingly familiar. He’d seen those exact expressions on their faces before, dozens if not hundreds of times. They’d always had secrets, their little schemes and confidences, childish mischief. And now—what? Deeper secrets, more convoluted schemes, more dangerous mischief. Was that it? Did they lie together and think it little different from the rest?—altered in degree, but not kind? Did they … when had catapulting oranges at the unwary become a hidden incestuous affair?
This is Bernardo watching Cesare & Lucrezia argue about who “made the first move” as far as initiating their relationship:
he knew not whether he was witnessing a lovers’ quarrel or a sibling one. He felt uncomfortably that, subject aside, it sounded very much more like the latter.
I think part of Bernardo’s difficulty is the way patriarchy teaches men to think about women, and treat them as means to an end:
There were, after all, other ways to avoid a pregnancy—though in his experience of eighteen-year-old boys, they did not bother with such things, and rarely thought that far in the first place. But then, in his experience of eighteen-year-old boys, they did not fuck their sisters, either.
Because eighteen-year-old boys are typically in lust whereas Cesare Borgia has found the love of his life. Can we also take a moment to appreciate that Cesare and Lucrezia are eighteen and fourteen respectively?? This must be their canon ages. They’re not even fetuses they’re like, homunculi. I won’t bother to look it up since this author clearly has forgotten more details about the Borgias than I ever knew—as God is my witness I would take her footnotes with me to a desert island over 80% of the other fics in existence. Holliday Grainger was 22 when The Borgias started filming, and Isolde Dychauk was 17 in S1 of Borgia, and of course we’re used to Hollywood giving us thirty-year-olds playing high schoolers so it’s not as if Lucrezia’s been aged up an unconscionable amount, but wow, fourteen is young.
Isabel and Bernardo have another sister, Jeromina, whose husband’s neglect is indirectly responsible for her death in childbed. Lucrezia holds up poor Jeromina’s fate as a cautionary tale of what can happen to any woman who lacks a male protector in her corner:
”We are not speaking of Jeromina.” “Indeed not. Her brother never came for her.”
Shots fired!!! This is Lucrezia’s implied rebuke to Bernardo: that he wasn’t there for Jeromina, that Lucrezia’s own brother would never have let her down as Bernardo let Jeromina down. Later on Lucrezia even locates the origins of her incestuous passion in the same system that killed Jeromina—she describes loving Cesare thusly:
“Something I chose, for myself,” said Lucrezia. “Everything else has been chosen for me”
Excuse me while I emit a series of high-pitched pterodactyl noises. It’s a subject the fic touches on very lightly, but the topic of aristocratic girls falling in love with their brothers as a big middle finger to The Patriarchy? This is a topic NEAR AND DEAR to my heart.
Isabel is a woman and sees more clearly than Bernardo does that Cesare & Lucrezia’s attachment is not mere puppy love:
Nor did she believe that a passion built on lifelong intimacy would be easily broken.
Damn straight, this is the real deal. Isabel then takes a different tack—she suggests that Lucrezia is at an age where girls itch to exercise their power over men. Lucrezia grants her the justice of this observation but counters that she’d never use Cesare so ill:
“Do you mean to say that your distress was such that you would have seduced any man who cared for you? You chose your brother because … he was there?” ”I could not have seduced a satyr. Cesare desired me as I did him.”
I COULD NOT HAVE SEDUCED A SATYR lmao. But it’s true, she was bruised body and soul, and Cesare rode up like a white knight and the dam burst. It wasn’t inevitable, but a confluence of events forced them to reckon with their feelings. And once they crossed that Rubicon there was of course no going back. Because they fit and they’re perfect for each other obvs. Just look at my babies reminiscing about childhood hijinks:
“The night that Juan switched your glass with Mother’s,” said Cesare, “You were what, nine?” Lucrezia stared at him, then laughed. “Ten. I spent a wretched night, and morning too. What made you think of it?” “Only that we have shared every part of our lives,” he said. “There is nothing to hide or pretend. We already know everything there is to know.”
otpotpotpotpotpotpotpotpotp
I need to quote a few more Bernardo POV passages because that’s where Cesare gives us some declarations of love worthy of the ages:
”I cannot remember a time when I did not love her above all else. Above the family, the world, God. I remember nothing of any time when I have not lived for her, when I would not die for her.”
“Some degree of remorse would not go amiss.” “I regret nothing,” said Cesare. “And your—” Bernardo shook his head. “What do I even call her now?” “My sister,” Cesare replied.
tl;dr Cesare: I HAVE ZERO REGRETS NONE
“Tell me that somewhere in Italy, or Spain, or any other nation, exists a woman I could love as I have loved Lucrezia. Tell me that there is a woman who could understand me half as well as she does. A woman who would know me as I am, and not as the world or my father or anyone would shape me. A woman who would see my true nature without fear—see the mark on it—share it. Look me in the eye, Bernardo, and tell me there is any woman who is so much my own soul.”
If you don’t ship them after that speech then your mom’s a hoe, I don’t make the rules.
Cesare: I am sanctified in her.
Bernardo:
Narrator: Bernardo hardly knew where to look.
Me: ascends to a higher plane
Bernardo eventually comes around. He’s had longer than Isabel to adjust to the incest revelation, so he tries to soften the blow for her. This is the two of them comparing notes:
”The last time I saw them together, Cesare had his hand on his dagger half the time, and then they started arguing about which one of them was the more responsible, as if they’d stolen a pastry. He laughs about her hair. Outside of themselves, they treat the whole matter as a … a lark.” This aligned so exactly with Cesare and Lucrezia as Isabel knew them that she winced. Nevertheless, her dry voice didn’t alter. “How uncivil. They might at least have the courtesy to pretend that they regard the change as a matter of gravity.” “They don’t think they have changed,” he replied.
THEY DON’T THINK THEY HAVE CHANGED— winner winner chicken dinner. Finally he gets it.
So there is this ring. A family heirloom which belonged to their grandfather, which Lucrezia inherits from poor died-in-childbed Jeromina, and recklessly bestows upon Cesare. This is the visible token of her affection, this is her way of letting the whole world know what he means to her. The problem is that Isabel is the one who disbursed Jeromina’s effects, so she knows full well the provenance of the ring in question, and what it signifies that Lucrezia gave it to Cesare. Subtlety, these kids do not have it. Cesare openly wearing the ring clues Isabel in on the incest, which is maybe not the worst result ever because family is still family but damn kids you gotta be more careful. What happens next, though, is a scene that absolutely wrecked me. We get a a scene where they EXCHANGE RINGS:
“Isabel gave it to me.” Lucrezia clasped her fingers in her lap. “For my husband.” “Do you remember what I studied at Pisa?” “Civil and canon law.” “Yes.” His voice was hoarse. “Did you know that if a man and a woman consent together, the ring and vows alone bind them in marriage? The Church does not wish for unblessed marriages, but by precedent and decree, they are marriages nonetheless.” His cardinal ring rested still in her palm. Cesare closed her fingers over it. “Alexander III declared that if the parties concerned say I receive you as mine to one another, they are married as solemnly as if blessed by a priest.”
So he gives her his cardinal’s ring to wear. And when his father notes its absence on his finger he straight up admits Lucrezia made off with it, you know how i can’t deny her anything, and the dinner table conversation turns to another topic. Because Cesare & Lucrezia are apparently just Like That and everyone who knows them is used to it. For pete’s sake they are supposed to be the well-adjusted ones among the Pope’s children. Every other member of this family is further along the disaster spectrum than these two, according to Isabel’s internal monologue:
Cesare and Lucrezia, those oases of sense and proper feeling among Alexander’s children, committing incest. Adultery too, now that she thought of it. Perhaps. It depended on the particulars.
Adultery is almost an afterthought lol
Parenthetically I do wanna draw y’all’s attention to this passage:
“I will kill him. I swear to you, Lucrezia, I shall carve his heart out of his body and give it to you on a platter.” Lucrezia put a hand over his chest. “I don’t want his heart,” she said. “I want yours.”
The above passage has the same energy as this passage:
One night she had Jaime follow him, to confirm her suspicions. When her brother returned he asked her if she wanted Robert dead. "No," she had replied, "I want him horned." She liked to think that was the night when Joffrey was conceived.
That’s a Cersei POV and the thing about looking at Cesare/Lucrezia and Cersei/Jaime parallels is I feel like the former is usually more sinned against than sinning, and the latter is the opposite. Cersei doesn’t want Jaime, she wants Robert cuckolded, she wants to Show Them that she’s Lord Tywin’s daughter and nobody gets away with disrespecting her. Idk maybe it would have read differently if we’d had the same events from Jaime’s POV?
I realize that you guys don’t need any more reasons to love this fic but I want to end with the scene where Cesare’s gearing up to challenge Count What’s-His-Face, Ursula’s dumbass husband, for the insupportable insult he gave Vanozza at Lucrezia’s wedding. One thing I appreciate about Showtime!The Borgias over Canal+!Borgia is this Cesare’s relationship with his mom is much closer than his counterpart’s. His willingness to fight a duel for his mother’s honor demonstrates (1) that his sister isn’t the only woman he cares about and (2) that he puts his family first. Lucrezia’s “Return to me victorious” still slaps more than any line in actual canon, don’t @ me. In that moment, he could have slain Mars. “I will,” he promises her.
 If I don’t burn
                      if you don’t burn
                                                if we don’t burn
how will the light 
                             vanquish the darkness?
That’s Turkish poet Nazim Hikmet writing about a folk hero who spontaneously combusted of love. In conclusion no one burns brighter than Cesare & Lucrezia, the actual loves of my life.
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theonstyles · 7 years
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Eurovision 2017
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My route to Jesus Taurine Quintana, aka el gran chucho, was a pretty reasonable facsimile to the rest of my life; convoluted, confused, circuitous and, for the most part, seemingly out of my control.  I have spent a great deal of my life perfecting the concept of passive driving.  I aim the car and the road pulls it ahead, sort of like the much overhyped Tomorrowland Speedway at Disney World.  The major difference is that they have a rail of some sort for guidance; my method is a complete free-for-all.  It’s a much more appropriate analogy than, say, bumper cars, since I actually don’t spin in circles and go randomly toward things in hopes of crashing into them, I just sort of ‘aim and go’  in what I hope is the right direction and let life dictate the rest of the ride.  I know, ‘bad form’ and all.  Thousands of well meaning ‘gurus’ and life coaches would shame me for that confession, but to quote the lame and overused expression ‘it is what it is.’
My nearly five year stint at the Portland Jetport had ended, thanks to my employer losing a bid for renewal of services as a subcontractor for United Airlines.  By the way, Jetport(?) really, isn’t it time for an upgrade in name maybe?  It’s a pretty safe assumption we’re talking about jets flying out of it; we’ve passed the age of true propellers, blimps, and gliders aren’t in the equation there, nor are helicopters or space shuttles.  Seems kind of redundant to me?  I  would’ve gladly cast a vote for say, Portland Air Portal, Portland Air Travel Station, Portland Air Transport Portal, well, you get what I’m saying here.  In any event, my time had come, I could hear The Clash in my head, “Should I stay or should I go?” (in this case the ‘stay’ would’ve come in the form of trying to get rehired by another airline, an option I think I would’ve had, based on my fairly stellar reputation, velvety radio-dj tone voice on the gate mic, and well established willingness to work for a wage beneath my level of effort.  The ‘go’ won out, and I followed my dream (wait … I can’t write that with a straight face … even my sisters wouldn’t buy that) I had no declared dream to move to the tropics.  It’s far more accurate to say ‘I followed a beautiful, intriguing and occasionally delightfully complex, woman who was Puerto Rican and developed a dream’ … yeah … that my sisters can buy.  Not that that’s a bad thing, just closer to the truth of it all.  Let��s be honest, I was a Native (multi) generational Maine-r who had never lived anywhere else.  My sense of wanderlust basically drove me only as far as the border, from the inland of Lewiston to the coastal border town of York.  That’s not exactly the stuff of wanderer legend.  Based on this, I was due, overdue perhaps, like the forgotten copy of Eat, Pray, Love that you thought you owned but really just hung onto way too long and never returned to the library because you convinced yourself you bought a copy, since everyone you know had one.  
So, flash forward, (‘flash’ here is a relative term, think ‘snail with a blinking headlamp’ if you’re really a stickler for detail and accuracy) I basically packed up my life into a crude assortment of boxes and plastic tubs (way too many by the way) and stuffed it into a storage unit (ok, honestly we’re talking 4 storage units, but it wasn’t ALL mine! no judgements!) and thoroughly packed two large suitcases and headed to Puerto Rico.  By the way, I think the science of storage units is basically a tangible ‘real world’ word problem to help us understand quantum physics and black holes (or if you prefer, the Bermuda Triangle, your choice)  things go in, but may not go out.  Or hey, it could be like Hotel California!? “You can check in but you can never leave” ?  Basically we all put things in there with the best of intentions, telling ourselves “it’s only for a few months, till I get settled, then I’ll get it out of there, it’s a lot of money per month but it’s only gonna be a few months”… uh huh, file this under “lies we tell ourselves to minimize guilt” There is a clause in your contract somewhere, deep in the fine print, that says roughly, “if you leave your things here for more than 3 years it does NOT mean you can claim it as a second residence on your taxes or as a dependent!”  We all think we’re going to get back there before our next birthday and take care of it but, and raise your hand if you or a family member has done this, you forget about it until not only are there spiders in there but there are GENERATIONS of spiders in there, the babies had babies, the cobwebs are now duplexes with the young adults living next door, getting their lives together, not ready to branch out on their own into someone else’s unit yet, but testing their independence in yours.  Honestly by the time I got back in there some of the stuff had gone out of style and then back into it again as ‘retro vintage’ (and, hey, you can’t get rid of that can you??) The nice thing is storage units are the area equalizer.  You see the same people working on their’s when you move in, 6 months later, a year later.  Pretty soon you celebrate each other’s birthdays, anniversaries’, by seeing each other rummaging through your unit.  I always had wine in mine, (no, not as an alcoholic just as a convenience drinker.  Trust me, sometimes it’s the only way to get through it) and I’ll admit to popping a cork to celebrate with a ‘unit mate’ on their closure of a unit.  It was monumental, some of us never thought we’d get out, we were ‘lifers,’ we envisioned them getting met at the gate by one of those ‘closet cleaning organizers’ like a post-sentence counselor.  
Where was I?  Now we’ve dipped into “drunken’ ‘snail with a blinking headlamp’ territory?!  Things are in storage, I’m on a plane, giant Swiss alpine dog (Emma, a Bernese Mountain Dog, who until yesterday was frolicking in two ft snow drifts) in tow (cause, you know, that’s exactly the type of dog you bring to the tropics) and landing in balmy Puerto Rico on the first of March.  My new home, new culture, new language, and new climate.  A couple days ago I was praying for the temps to rise above 32 so the snow wouldn’t freeze into ice and today I’m asking how soon it is before the temp drops below 90?  (the answer to that, for those in wonder, was about 8 months from now, give or take a few stormy nights)
I’ll save my acclimations for another story, but I soon realized that my name contains sounds not native or familiar to the boriqua tongue.  In particular, the ‘ou’ sound in the middle of my name does not have a place in the phonetic language of my newly adopted home.  Time and time again I watched people struggle, to the point I feared someone might crack a rib trying to make the sound, or sensing the worry on their face that the only English word they could come up with that was close to my name was Dog (pero) and that didn’t seem right to them, to call me a dog.  In writing, inevitably an ‘h’ was added, to make Doug into Dough (which, with a last name of Bowie (boy) was funny enough in and of itself.  (i.e., Doughboy)  Having plenty of time on my hands, I got busy researching potential ‘Spanish’ names for myself.  I passed this onto a friend of mine, also with lots of ‘cyber time’ on her hands, being pregnant and all, and she happily chimed in with several suggestions, finally settling on Taurine as a strong possibility.  
Being happy with myself for a ‘days work well done’ (again, let’s be honest, I had nothing to do all day but occupy myself with this foolish endeavor) I announced at family dinnertime that I had been working on a Spanish name to call myself, to make it easier on everyone, and suggested Taurine, a name akin to the ‘green man’, something I could run with.  It was met with a smattering of approval but augmented by the patriarch of the family, my partner’s brother, a devout Big Lebowski fan, a fact I didn’t know was playing in at the moment, into Jesus Ramon Taurine Quintana.  My partner Hildi remarked, “really, Jesus?! NO, he isn’t  Jesus!”  The reply was “it’s ok, he’ll only answer to Chucho”, which was deemed to be acceptable.  (it took me two years to figure out that the name he gave me happened to be the name of the pederast/pedophile character in the Big Lebowski, but to this day he claims it was an accidental coincidence)  The story does not end there, as the name caught on within the family but was later augmented to include the nickname ‘El gran chucho’ as well as a backstory that I came from Jayuya, a mountain town in Puerto Rico, a family heritage of ‘pitoro’ makers, basically moonshiners, and that I was renowned for my legendary moonshine.  
And, that, is the foundation, for my new identity, as Jesus Ramon Taurine Quintana.  To this day I still abide by that name here, or in some faction thereof (Hildi’s father knows me as ‘Quintana’ to the point of introducing me at a wedding as such, her uncle never quite got the joke and I am ‘Poncho’ to him, and Chucho to many others)  And, when I return to Maine, I am simply Doug once again.  This lays the foundation, but future tales shall describe how I came to embrace this ‘multi factioned’ new persona and namesake.
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