My piece for the @souyozine !! :D

Leftover sales are now open, so grab a copy while you still can! :P

Being a part of this zine is my personal highlight of the year, it's been SO MUCH FUN and everyone did a FANTASTIC job and aklsdfghjk-

It's been an honour Souyo Fam <3

2020 Fanart In A Year Review

I was tagged first by @venuscrescent and later by @teamvanessacloud who was also tagged by Vee! Thank you for giving me this experience to look back on my work this year and dissect both the good and bad.

1. Number of started vs number of completed fanart this year

I completed every art work I started, which was 54.

2. Most popular piece of fanart this year

At a whopping 60 notes (this many notes for me is rare) is this piece from the UsaMamo 2020 spring exchange. I think you can't go wrong with Usamamo, so that might be why this has the most notes. Also, this is the return to drawing male bodies for me, which I was out of practise with and Mamoru's nipples were drawn way out of proportion. Something some people loved to bring up.

3. Personal favourites

These are my personal top 3 favourite pieces from this year, in no particular order. From the vougaloid zine, reminisce zine and legend of haiku zine. I like these the best because the colours stand out, the pieces are very dynamic and I was very experimental, which really paid off.

4. Characters drawn most, in order of frequency

The characters I drew the most were

• Minako Aino/Sailor Venus- 8

• Nephrite- 6

• Makoto Kino/Sailor Jupiter- 5 times

• Aqua- 5 times

5. Most used colour scheme

I guess green? It's the colour I think I use the most because I love to draw natural landscapes and you can't do that without a lot of green. Green is an underrated colour and I'm happy to have shown it love!

6. A piece of art that was challenging

I found this piece challenging because I wanted to essentially re-do the one I done last year for the Earth love zine, but with the better skills I had acquired in that gap. It was hard to maintain aspects of the original, but show off the improvement at the same time. I like to think I got that good balance.

7. An area you feel you've improved

I feel like I've improved a lot more in anatomy, because I've studied a lot more references (both drawing and photo references). I've also gotten a lot better at watercolour painting, which I've always sucked badly at. I have lots of watercolour palettes, so I decided to do better and I think it shows in my art this year.

8. A piece of art you're proud of

Honestly, this is the piece I'm most proud of. Everything for my dearly departed Benny. When he left us, on new years day, I wanted to remember the 6 years we had him. A whole year later, I'm still proud of this drawing.

9. New things you've tried out this year

I've tried drawing for a lot more fandoms this year, including Naruto, the legend of Zelda, Vocaloid, Tokyo mew mew, ninja scroll, RG Veda, bubblegum crisis and fullmetal alchemist etc. I've also just gone for it with applying to fan projects like zines, bangs and exchanges, which is why I could draw for so many of these fandoms.

10. Something you learned this year

To be proud of my art and not worry what others are doing, to focus on myself and do what I have to do for my betterment.

11. A comment that touched you

I honestly can't choose one. There's the ones when people respond to their gift art I make for them, especially when the people have no idea and/or going for a rough time in their lives. There's also the unexpected ones for people who come across my art and don't know me, but connect with the idea behind the art, especially if it's for characters done dirty in canon or not as popular ships.

12. Something that inspired your art this year

Honestly, the death of my dog and the pandemic. I didn't really have the drive to draw before my dog died and I started drawing as a way to cope. But quickly after, the pandemic had shown that it was going to affect all aspects of life, including going outside. So I used my time inside to make it my mission to improve and draw a lot more. I hate the fact my dog died and what this pandemic has done to the world, but it's given me the opportunity to better my art.

13. Something you want to try out next year

Hopefully, to try digital art next year and I'm really hoping to get acrylic paints because that is my most favourite paint to use.

14. A goal of any sort next year

To not apply for lots of zines next year, to work on a lot more of my own projects and in general to not be as productive and take more breaks.

@tcup-chipped I wonder what works you could pull out to show us in a 2020 art review.

i’m not popular enough to get tons of asks, but I pushing off zine work and secret santa so fanfic writer asks! (YGO only)

1. What’s your favorite character(s) to write for? 

Answered here

2. What character(s) do you find the most difficult to write for? Why? 

Characters that don’t get much of a reaction from me from the beginning or at any point, and characters I have never considered writing before (like Bruno). Never feel like I’d write them so I never put thought in their character and stories. 

3. Do you have a favorite scene you’ve written from [Fanfic Name] story/chapter? 

Yeah, from Two Fingers Crossed Over Your Lips, Chapter 8: Domestics (Orinthoptershipping). It’s when Crow is laying on top of Bruno on the couch, and they share a kiss. Crow is flirty, and Bruno is cute. I think this is the best example of my portrayal of Crow, lol. 

4. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of [Fanfic Name]? 

No, for the most part, I end up using pretty much everything I write out. I’m the kind of person to go back and cut out entire scenes because I tend to write out scenes I like/want to do and find ways to connect them together. It can be kind of counterproductive because some scenes might actually pull you away from the plot you wanted, but I never never plot before I write, lol. 

It doesn’t mean, however, that that I have never ended up writing something bigger than I expected. Currently, it’s The Supreme King’s Husband (Prologue) because I just wanted to add in Yūsei and Kizuna, omgs. QWQ

5. Do you listen to music when writing? 

Yes, I do. It both keeps me focused and distracted at the same time. 

6. If you listen to music when writing, what [do] you listening to when writing [Fanfic Name]? 

A lot of Joji, Jack Strauder, Oliver Tree, CUCO, and the like. Pretty much this mix. 

7. What story/headcanons do you feel the proudest of? 

I really love my headcanon of Crow being masculine leaning genderfluid afab (assigned female at birth). It’s really fun exploring this headcanon, and I always write Crow with this in mind. However, it’s only 5D’s Crow, not Arc-V Crow. They are both Crow but, in a lot of ways, are essentially two different characters, and I’m very attached to the former. Crow didn’t start doing he/him stuff until he was, like, nine, and Yūsei and Jack have been super supportive about it since the beginning. Crow was she one day, and he the next day. Still Crow. ^^ This is from one of my many Crow WIPs:

"It doesn’t matter how I look or what I call myself, I’d always be their friend, and they’d always be my brothers. The bond we share is irreplaceable, and I’m thankful to have met them in the first place. They’ve always supported me, and they know it’s my right to tell people about me, when and how. If I wanted it to be different, they’d be the first one to know. As it is right now, though, I’m happy with the way I am."

Crow has two feminine outfits he wears occasionally: a yellow dress with red flats (a gift from his girls), and a yellow blouse with a green plaid skirt and black knee highs. To go with these looks, he wears his hair down with his headband around his neck and shiny lip loss Trudge bought for him. 

8. Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi chaptered stories? 

One-shots by a long shot, lmao. That being said, I sometimes don’t finish one-shots either. 

9. If you had to assign a theme song to [Fanfic Name], which would you assign?

I don’t think in music. I do that thing where you pick a song and write a fic with it but not the other way around.   

10. What is the line you’re proudest of from [Fanfic Name]? 

One of my favorites, from the aforementioned Chapter 8: Domestics (Ornitoptershipping):

Closing his eyes, Bruno was taken back to the beach, the one he woke up at with no memories, but this time, he didn't feel the confusion, nor the faint touch of grief at the bottom of his heart. Instead, he only felt the quiet crash of the waves on his skin, the sun shining brightly over his head. This was now a memory he remembered twice.

(I really like this one-shot a lot, lol.)

11. How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc) 

A lot of dialogue, stream of conscious narrative. I think. I never really thought about it. 

12. Who is your favorite author? 

I don’t really have one at the moment. I don’t read a lot, lol. 

13. When did you start writing fanfic? 

I got more serious about it in high school, but I think I started during middle school? KHR was a thing then, lol.

14. How do you feel about your older work? 

Answered here

15. What is the fanfic you’ve written that you’re most proud of? 

From YGO, probably The Distance of Time which features Orinthoptershipping. It’s very dialogue heavy, but it was a lot of fun. I’m very thankful of the people who took the time to read it, and even more those who commented and gave feedback. 

16. What fanfic tropes do you avoid writing for? 

I don’t do gore, violence, or torture. I don’t dislike them, I just don’t write them (so I don’t have any practice either). 

17. What fanfic tropes do you gravitate to writing for? 

I love ones that explore the idea of soulmates. I’m a big fan of the soulmates AU, but I love the different ways that people just complete each other that borders on more realism than trope. I mostly write fluff though, and attempts at humor because I think I’m funny. 

18. Do you prefer editing as you write, or waiting until it’s finished? 

I edit as a I write, which is bad because I don’t edit afterwards and miss typos (lol) and sometimes makes writing take longer to finish. 

19. What words do you think you tend to use the most? 

Epithets probably; otherwise, I don’t know. 

20. What feedback makes you the happiest to hear? 

I love comments that think my pacing is good and my character interpretations are great. If someone tells me that they can imagine this happening in canon, I’m over the moon. 

21. Is there an idea you’ve always wanted to write, but haven’t yet? 

Yes, and they’re all WIPs. 

22. Do you enjoy making OCs for your fanfics, or prefer sticking to canon characters? 

I mostly stick to canon characters and don’t like doing OCs (unless they’re extras or side characters). Writing OCs makes me a little uncomfortable actually because I fear veering into self-inserts which I cannot write because that’s even worse than doing OCs. The only OCs I like do are OC babies of my favorite ships. 

For YGO, I currently have two: Sky Hogan, the daughter of Crow (Papa), Jack (Father), and Yūsei (Dad); and Mira Princeton, the daughter of Chazz (Mama) and Jaden (Dad).

23. How much do you stick to canon? 

I try to write characters based off of canon as much as possible. If I don’t see a character doing something, then I don’t write them doing that thing. I’m more about filling in blank spaces than trying to rewrite inked ones. 

24. Do you prefer AUs with the characters, or sticking to the original universe? 

I do original universe most of the time. 

25. What scene in [Fanfic Name] took the longest to write? What was difficult about it? 

Smut scenes because they are pretty much one continuous scene, lololol. There’s no scene changes for the most part, so keeping up momentum is a must and a difficulty. 

26. Are titles for your stories easy to come up with? 

I suck at making titles. I can have whole fics done but back petal so hard because I forgot to give it title. 

27. What time of day do you prefer to write? 

Past bedtime. 

28. Is there a part of [Fanfic Name] you’re surprised no one has picked up on yet? 

I’m not sure what this is asking, lol. 

29. What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc) 

Writing it. I don’t brainstorm or outline, I just write what comes to mind. I brainstorm only if I need to connect things together. Finishing it is a close second. 

30. Do you write down all your ideas? What makes you decide to write one versus the other? 

I never write down my ideas; it’s either I start on a WIP or I don’t. What I decide to write depends on my mood. 

31. What was the development process of [Fanfic Name] like? 

I write for three hours and produce only a thousand words, smh. Agony. 

32. What story do you think showcases your signature style the most? 

Fluff with subtle angst, I guess. 

33. Have you ever stopped yourself from writing something? Why? 

Yes, because I already have so many WIPs, I shouldn’t start on another one. (Does this stop me? No.)

34. Have you felt emotional while writing a scene before? What scene was it? 

I might have, but I have terrible memory. U_U

35. Where’s your favorite place to write? 

In my bed in the dark, on my phone. (Computers tire me out after a while.)

36. What fanfic of yours has the symbolism you’re proudest of?

I’m not sure what symbolism is. 

37. Would you ever collaborate with another writer for a story? 

Yes, but it will be a really big learning experience because I’m using to have most, if not all, control over my writing. I try to be open, but getting used to new things is hard, you know?

38. What story of yours are you surprised that people liked as much as they did? 

Honestly, for YGO, any of them. The feedback for YGO isn’t a lot, lol, or it’s because I write characters/ships/tropes a lot of people don’t go for? I’m just glad I now know the people who like my stuff. I know my writing is good, but I won’t force people to read it. 

39. What area of writing do you feel strongest in? 

Characterization, if I’m not being too big-headed, lol. 

40. What area of writing do you want to improve in?

I need to stop feeling the urge to rush ending and give the settings more details. 

Artist Spotlights!

🎤 sammiety 🥁 SarcasticSpook 🎷 saypil

🎺 Shadow Jack 🎸 ShowersArt 🎻 Siao Bell

Interview below the cut!

Introduce yourself

🎤 Hi there~! I'm sammiety, but you can call me sam! I have a truckload of interests, but to keep it broad, I'm a Nintendo kid, a Pixar kid, an anime kid, and a vinyls and polaroids type gal. I am a Zelda and Layton fan through and through, and I watch Youtube like there's no tomorrow. I hit procrastination station minutely, and you can find all my art at the two links below: https://instagram.com/sammmiety https://youtube.com/sammiety 🥁 Hola! I'm a digital artist that dabbles with traditional work and my art usually consists of demons/humanoids/creatures! I've got a large cast of ocs that I love dearly and I'm working hard to put them in a story that most people can enjoy!My art can also be found on DA and Twitter! https://www.deviantart.com/sarcasticspook https://twitter.com/Sarcastic_Spook 🎷 I'm a young digital artist who experiments a lot (https://sta.sh/21llz63thorq)! I love playing Nintendo games such as Pokemon and Splatoon! 🎺 Hey! I’m Shadow Jack, a 16 year-old digital artist. I have been drawing since I was young, but started trying to improve/expand my reach around age 11/12. I really like music, taking walks, drawing, weird biology, and expanding on ideas that I’ll never do anything with (well, almost never do anything with). You can find my art on instagram (https://www.instagram.com/arsenic.bite/) and all my completed pieces on tumblr (https://arsenic-bite-portfolio.tumblr.com/) 🎸 Im a 23 year old digital artist from Denmark! You can find me @showersart on Instagram! 🎻 I'm Siao Bell an illustrator from Spain. I've been drawing since I can remember and it's a passion that started as a way to escape reality and it slowly became the most important thing of my live. I'm mainly a traditional artist but lately I've been doing more and more digital works. You can find me on twitter and instagram but I use the latter more: https://www.instagram.com/siaobell.arts/ https://www.twitter.com/Reis_SB/

Do you do commissions post? Where can we find the info?

🎤 https://sammietycommissions.carrd.co/#

🎸 https://www.instagram.com/p/B2tvjXfFZWU/

Do you listen to music (or tv shows/films/anything else) when drawing?

🎤 I'm always listening to music, not just while drawing! I usually just listen to the premade mix that Youtube throws together based on my watching history, and its primarily made up of Panic! at the Disco, Yorushika, Eve, various musical tracks, and Steven Universe. My favorite genres are alternative and rock, as well as some pop, but sometimes I like to mix it up and listen to things like "75 Minutes of Relaxing and Calming Nintendo Music" or "1 Hour of the Best Professor Layton Music." Contrary to my favorite genres, my favorite instrument to listen to is the accordion!

🥁 I listen to a lot of music most of the time! The artists vary depending on the character I'm drawing. 🎷 Yes! EDMS is where I listen to really upbeat songs, which motivates me a lot to draw! I also talk to friends while drawing! 🎺 Yes, usually music because I don’t have to focus on it as much. 🎸 Sometimes!

What’s your favorite music artist/band? If you could ask your favorite band/music artist one question, what would it be?

🎤 I live and breathe Panic! at the Disco's music, and if I could ask them a question, I'd ask how their day was going. Y'know, nothing mind boggling or earth shattering. Just wanna know if they're doing alright.

🥁 I actually have two top favorites because I'm too weak to choose one over the other. They'd be FAKE TYPE. and Twenty One Pilots! If I were to ask them a question it'd probably be how their creative process goes when working on music. 🎷 PSYQUI is one of my favorite music artists! If I could ask them one question, I'd ask them if they could teach me how to make such fun music to listen to! 🎺 One of my favorite artists is Hot Sugar. I’d ask them how they get inspiration for their songs/titles. 🎸 Either it’s Mother Mother or Ghost, and for Ghost I would ask what goes into making the lore behind their music 🎻 Right now my favorite band is BTS. I would like to ask them if they actually know what they make us feel because that's the way we want to make them feel. An overwhelming love

Do you play an instrument? If not would you like to play one? Which one?

🎤 I play the uke! Just as a hobby, self-taught, but it's always a treat when I sing a love song to my boyfriend for Valentine's day and I see his face. :)

🥁 I used to play the flute and I'm currently working on learning how to play the ukulele! 🎷 I played the clarinet, violin, and piano! They were all very fun to play with! 🎺 I used to play the piano, and the drums. I am currently in my school’s advanced choir. 🎸 I used to sing if that counts! 🎻 I don't play any instrument but I always wanted to learn how to play the violin or the piano.

Which song(s) are you going to draw?

🎤 I am going to be drawing the song Fool by Cavetown!

🥁 I'm going to be drawing a chill trap remix of Life Could Be A Dream 🎷 I'll be drawing PSYQUI - Still in my heart feat. ぷにぷに電機 🎺 Dear God - XTCArcadia - The Kite String TangleThe Kid Who Drowned At Summer Camp - Hot SugarBaby Hotline - Jack StauberHungover in the City of Dust - AutoheartMagnet - Punch Brothers 🎸 I got hungry by Mother Mother 🎻 BTS - Spring Day (Brit Rock Remix)

What do you expect from this zine?

🎤 Honestly I just expect to make some good friends and have a fun time discovering new music and creating art alongside a bunch of other artists!

🥁 I expect to learn new things in my art with the zine but on top of that I'm looking forward to seeing all the wonderful talent that is shown! 🎷 I want to see the different styles and tones in everyone's drawings! Music has many different forms, and hopefully these pieces will too for diversity! 🎺 Great things! I am very confident in the abilities and creativity of the participants. 🎸 I’m not sure what to answer here other than to have fun with my piece and I hope people will enjoy it 🎻 Honestly, I don't know, but I hope everyone would be capable of express everyting their favorite songs make them feel <3

Anything else you want to add?

🎷 I want to see the different styles and tones in everyone's drawings! Music has many different forms, and hopefully these pieces will too for diversity! 

🎺 I do not have an up-to-date commissions post but feel free to contact me if you’re interested! (arsenic.bite on insta)

2017 Writing Round-Up

source

Total year-long word count: 90303

Word count by fandom:

BNHA: 4891, 4 fics DGM: 3414, 2 fics Haikyuu!!: 81998, 36 fics

Fics completed:

39/42

Works-in-progress:

3/42 - Of Demons & How to Chase Them | twenty-four hours | for the voiceless (though this one... is debatable) crossfire is also, technically, a wip. but at the same time... it's not, lol.

This year I wrote and posted:

Timeless: 4 Across the Ages At Sunrise Back Home Beyond Nightfall

soft kitty warm kitty: 2 cat that got the cream catching catnaps

writing with snowdrops & others: 21 the little bits and pieces of this world with nothing in our hands Of Demons & How to Chase Them (DGM, chapter 3) on eggshells crossfire Runaways (chapter 2) Role of a Captain People You May Know forever is a mighty long time one-way ticket destination: forever the longest, darkest night the weight of you (DGM) cold (BNHA) safe (BNHA) twenty-four hours herding cats (BNHA) for the voiceless molten gold spring (BNHA) when I think of winter

SASO: 15 the owl and the duckbutt at the end of the world terms and conditions count on me, count on you best-kept secret light years from home (you) fear and bravery midwinter silence two chairs to a table crying is contagious phantom passing the baton control, and the lack thereof mirror

Total: 40 fics + two updates to old fics

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

At the start of 2017, I wrote on Lofter and Tumblr that my target would be to hit 60 published works on AO3 by the end of the year. I have 79 now, so I wrote twice as much as what I was aiming to. I definitely didn't expect to write so much, and I have SASO to blame (thank?).

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

Anything to do with the Miyas (duh!)... and also Seijou. But I guess the one that I would have never expected myself to write would be Matsu//hana: I wrote one-way ticket on a bus ride home after reading chapter 258. I hardly ever read Matsu//hana fic, much less ever feel inspired to write it, so one-way ticket really caught me off-guard.

What's your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?

I thought about this question for a long time and skipped ahead to answer a few before I came back to this. At first I thought it was a really hard choice to make - how can you ask me to choose a story out of all 40 that I've written this year? - but then I realised the answer's always been really clear. 

It's the weight of you, my Laviyuu fic based off of Vienna Teng's Enough to Go By. I wrote it in one sitting, with hardly any problems in terms of storyline or thematic exploration. it was one of those fics that just. came to me and let me embrace it. half a year later, I'm still incredibly proud of what I achieved in that meagre expanse of 1000 words. once in a while when I need to be reminded of what my writing can achieve, I reread it.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I signed up for SASO. I was definitely not planning to write as much as I did, LOL. It taught me how to write fast, and to not be as hung up over the editing as I always do. I'm a slow writer because I like to write and edit at the same time, but with SASO it was just writing and minimal editing. I also got a bit more comfortable with working with prompts, though I'm still terrible at it.

I also signed up for two zines this year, one of which was for Kacchako, a pair I'd never written before. And to top it off, I was struck by writer's block when I was working on my submission. I don't know, it taught me to not sign up for zines when I'm drowning in schoolwork and that impulsive decisions are never a great idea (but are they really?).

Your best story of this year:

What's the difference between favourite story, best story and most popular story? I'd say it's either the weight of you or molten gold. the former for reasons stated in the earlier question, but molten gold because it's a fic that clearly shows how far I've come in writing ever since I started writing for HQ last year. when drawn parallel to Storm, my first Noya character study (and my second ever HQ fic), the difference is stark. It's still not perfect, and there are still things I wish I could've included, but I'm proud of what I achieved in it.

Your most popular story of this year:

By 'most popular' I'm assuming most kudos.

herding cats��for BNHA and overall, and the little bits and pieces of this world for Haikyuu!! - neither of which are surprising results.

herding cats is a lighthearted and fun fluffy piece written for a ship that is gaining traction in a very thirsty fandom, while bits and pieces has the HQ fandom favourite trope of enemies to friends to lovers, and the benefit (?) of it running parallel to canon story.

Story of yours most under-appreciated by the universe, in your opinion:

At Sunrise. previously I would've said Across the Ages, but as I read and reread my old works, I've come to realise that At Sunrise is a piece that delves very deeply into the emotions of my characters, and really builds up an emotional bond not just between my characters, but also between my story and my readers. The amount of actual emotional pain that I inflicted on myself while writing it really shows in my writing, and my readers can feel it too.

I get why people don't read it. I really do. I've said it before, a few times now. Major character death scares a lot of readers away. Being a fantasy AU, and a Part 2 in a series turns people off. And it's Kage//hina, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it being a major ship means that a huge amount of the people who click in soon find that they're not here for this content.

Even so, I still think it deserves better.

I published it on April 1. It's December 28 now, and these are its stats.

Hits: 614 | Kudos: 37

Go figure. *salt

Most fun story to write:

Honestly, any story with Futakuchi as a narrator is great. It's a toss-up between when I think of winter and People You May Know. with nothing in our hands comes close as a runner-up though.

Story with the single sexiest moment:

You're asking me, a writer who can't even write kissing scenes, about a sexiest moment...??? I guess it'd be Back Home, if only because it's the fic with the most snogging.

Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story:

mirror. It's not wrong per se, just not what I would have usually done for a Haikyuu fic. I think a lot of readers were taken aback by its hidden twist.

Story that shifted your own perceptions of the characters:

I don't really have an answer to this. It might be cold, my first ever Todo//baku. Writing it gave me a lot of insights into the Tod//obaku dynamic and understanding them better, but shifting my perception? I'd be hard-pressed to name it as such.

Hardest story to write:

on eggshells, At Sunrise, midwinter and molten gold. The first two because of how emotionally taxing they were, the latter two because of how difficult they were to actually write. I set out on each of these stories with a clear image of how I wanted to end it, but the process of going from start to finish was a long, long winding road, whether in picking the words that I needed to evoke the exact nuance and atmosphere I wanted to portray, or in letting myself hurt for my characters as I wrote. Sounds dramatic, but unfortunately true.

Biggest disappointment:

I hate to say it, but, Beyond Nightfall. I feel like I could have done a lot a lot a lot more with it, but I also don't know what exactly I could have done. I realised my biggest problem with writing longfic manifested when I was writing Beyond Nightfall - the incessant need to make everything tie up perfectly, which on hindsight was not the best decision because it made everything too neat, and also forced my story in a way that it didn't necessarily want to go. 

Moving forward, I hope I can work on this (I've already started to do so starting with when I think of winter) and I eventually plan to come back and rewrite Beyond Nightfall.

Biggest surprise:

forever is a mighty long time. I'd been toying with the idea of a reincarnation AU for Kuroyaku for the longest time, but never really wanted to actually start on it (...as is the case for 80% of all my fic ideas...) because I'm not a fan of writing tropey AUs (oh, look at that holier-than-thou attitude in that sentence LMAO JK). But when inspiration struck for me to put a twist on what would otherwise have been a very standard reincarnation AU piece, I decided to sit down and get to work on it.

Looking back, it's a good fic. not my best, but it's good.

Most unintentionally telling story:

on eggshells. It wasn't unintentionally telling, though. It was intentional, every bit of it. eggshells was the first time I dared to dig deep within myself to write a story based off my own emotional experiences, and while I found it cathartic, it's certainly not something I hope to replicate anytime soon.

Favorite opening line(s):

Futakuchi was not pining. He was absolutely not pining over Karasuno's vice-captain with the shaved head and rumpled training vest - what the hell, they even shared the same number, ew. - People You May Know

Favorite closing line(s):

kuroo stretches a little, his toes touching the calf of yaku’s leg, warm, solid and present, and very much alive. very much here. “yeah, i know.” - forever is a mighty long time

And the worst part of it all is that when he looks into the shards of broken silver lying on his bedroom floor, he still can’t stop seeing ‘Samu looking right back at him. - mirror

But in fact there is nothing much to say at all, when those shoulders that have been tempered with fire are more than capable of holding its weight. - molten gold

Favorite 5 line(s) from anywhere:

Moonlight scatters on the floorboards, a miniature Milky Way filling the space between them, but Yaku takes a step, then another, and then he’s falling into Kuroo’s arms, no longer a cold ephemeral spectre for Kuroo to gaze at from afar, like the twinkling stars through window grilles, but a warm, solid and real body that fits right against Kuroo’s own, a puzzle piece slotting back into place. - midwinter

And he would have liked to think himself invulnerable, with a mask stoic enough that nothing could shatter, a heart cold enough that nothing could touch, disillusioned with the evils of humanity that he had borne witness to. - the weight of you

where issei would usually retort with some comeback about takahiro’s birthday, today there is only silence. the train pulls to a stop, doors beeping an arrhythmic melody as their knees knock together with the movement. issei’s pulled out his phone now, the bend of his arms making his elbow dig into takahiro’s side; takahiro wonders if he, like him, is trying to feign deafness to the echoing chasm that seems to have opened up between them over the course of five sentences. - one-way ticket

His hands clutch at his throat, run ragged and raw by the smoothness of poppy petals. What an apt irony then that poppies should signify peace, because Aone is and has always been the peaceful, stoic rock to the swirling tempest that Kenji is, but their mere existence is doing the exact opposite in calming Kenji’s raging heart, their stem a noose around his neck. - fear and bravery

He takes a deep breath, and steps onto the court, into the fray. He can feel eyes on him - from his teammates, from his opponents, from the stands. The numbers on his jersey feel like they’re branding himselves into his back, and he squares his shoulders, embracing the burn. He’s not Nekoma’s number 3, but he’s Nekoma’s number 12, and he’ll show them what it means to be Nekoma’s libero - what it means to be guarding Nekoma’s backs. - passing the baton

Top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated:

Lavi in front of Kanda's grave, at the remains of the old Black Order - the weight of you

Kuroo and Yaku doing work at the kitchen table, their legs barely touching - forever is a mighty long time

Oikawa and Futakuchi in front of the irori - when I think of winter

The moment when Shirabu and Kawanishi realise that Futakuchi's read the map upside down and they're now hopelessly lost - with nothing in our hands

Hinata, through Kageyama's eyes, when he tells Kageyama that he won't forget him - At Sunrise

Fic-writing goals for next year:

15 fics in total. It's a downsize from this year because the first half of next year will be occupied by uni and transition into adulting, so I don't want to give myself too much pressure. I'm still on the fence about signing up for SportsFest (SASO's successor) but I'll think about that when I get there.

I'm also going to take a break from fandom events for the time being. I've learnt from this year that I write terribly when given deadlines, and I admit that it was bad planning on my part to sign up for HQSS and a zine on top of my own schoolwork, especially when I was already taking a module on creative writing. Creative drought hit fast and furious and made the last two months terrible for me, writing-wise. Next year, I want to make sure that I can give my writing the due time and effort that it deserves, rather than forcing myself to churn out work.

Most importantly, I want to keep growing as a writer. I'm happy with how my style has developed this year, and I want to continue growing. Besides improving my dialogue writing and visual descriptions, I also want to venture into writing more challenging AUs and also characters that I've never dared to try.

I also want to attempt long fic, in particular the fic that I'd outlined for Nanowrimo this year but never had the chance to start on. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I'd make that Nano fic my year-long project for next year, except I don't know if I'll actually be able to make it draw out for as long as I want it to, and also because I doubt my discipline in sticking it out with one single work for a whole year.

Besides all that, I'll be slowly chipping away at making the Kuroyaku anthology a reality. That means REWRITE REWRITE REWRITE. With writing style changes come inconsistency in storytelling. I think I need to find some time and give myself the chance to standardise everything, and fix any glaring errors I might find.

We shall see. 2017 has been a fantastic year for me in fandom, both in writing and in finding a community. I hope 2018 is even better.

Woke Up Falling According to Woke Up Falling, the band received their name through almost divine forces. “It came from an emo village. A very emo wizard spent his entire existence crafting the name from an ancient emo tear, shed by the first punker to ever embrace and share his feelings with others. They say the tear was caught and bound within the pages of the punkers' first 'zine. He shed it as he wrote page after page of poetry, expressing the breakup with his girlfriend. He went on to pioneer the emo haircut, emo front-man stage poses and the world famous "arms crossed/act bored/wear girl’s pants" image now seen at every show you go to.” Even emo guys have a sense of humor. The current incarnation of Woke Up Falling started just two years ago. Drummer Josh Hill moved to Portland from Austin. Against his better judgment he took out an ad in the paper seeking a band. “[I] got an e-mail from Gordie [Muskett, Falling’s front man]; we mailed back and forth a couple of times. Neither one of us wanted to meet until we were pretty sure the other wasn't a complete idiot. We decided to meet at the bar down the street, "Zak looks like he's 15 and I look like his balding dad," Gordie said.” The chemistry was immediate, and after some jamming, Josh was in the band. Bassist Darin Chase joined in a somewhat dorkier fashion. “I was one day on the pdxbands.com classifieds looking around for no reason. I saw a posting with the headline "Robots." I opened it 'cause I love robots and the posting said "bass player please," so I responded. If it wasn't for the "Robots" thing, I would have never met these guys. The first time I met everyone, I think they tried scaring me away by playing "Fahrenheit '69," a pro-John Kerry porno.” However, the earlier joining of Zak Martin was based on a pure admiration for the band. “I had recently quit my first band and happened to be at the first WUF showman house party - they were a 3 piece. I loved them so much, that I honestly offered Gordie $5 to be in the band. He said no. So, I continued to bug the shit out of him, e-mail after e-mail, each one outlining detailed reasons I should be in the band. Realizing that I would never give up, they finally let me come over. I wowed them with some killer riffage and thus began my fantastic transition into being broke as hell, all the time.” The kind of music they would make is powerful rock that can’t just be grouped into the emo category. While comparisons to Sunny Day Real Estate and The Cure are accurate to some degree, the band doesn’t let the boundaries of a label hold them back. “As a band, we're constantly changing - our new record sounds nothing like the first, and the next will be completely different than either of them. We'll never group or put limits on our music. We play what we feel. I've yet to hear my musical influences used to describe us, but I think we all are more influenced by life than music at this point” guitarist Martin writes in an email exchange. According to Hill “we still haven't figured out how to describe what it is we do. The new album is more a feeling or set of feelings. It works best when taken as a whole. It's like a book or a movie. A document of a certain time/place/emotion that we were all going though in one way or another. Fuckin' emo sappy shit.” Usually Muskett brings the songs and the others work to mold the song into its best incarnation. They rehearse in an old boardroom in downtown Portland. “On our side: old carpet, a giant cardboard Ozzy head, Christmas lights and a Bruce Lee poster line the walls” Martin informs. The most important thing to the band is honesty. If someone doesn’t necessarily like the kind of music that they make, they can still appreciate Woke Up Falling’s sincerity and their integrity. This is not only what non fans can see in their music, but what has largely created their fan base. “We hit on something that people can identify with and make their own.” The kind of fans they have are ones “who don't give a fuck about trends, about hype, about bullshit” says Martin. “Our music is honest and our fans appreciate that.” According to the band, musicians who are overrated are the ones who are dishonest. “Soul-less music is scary. Dishonest music is scary.” And despite their sound, they have a wide array of music that they truly love. Pixies, Fugazi, Smashing Pumpkins, Slint. But they all agree that Guns N’ Roses’ Appetite For Destruction is the coolest album of all time. I’m not so sure if Muskett is being honest with his answers though. “Skid Row's first album. No joke. Sebastian Bach has one of the most powerful, honest and in-your-face voices I've ever heard. Anything by Loverboy too, no joke.” Honesty has come at a price. Some members of the band have to support themselves with day jobs, which are usually only temporary, devices used to earn money to play more music. With the increase in gas prices, more money is needed to tour for next time. As Martin said earlier, they would have to get used to being broke all the time. Music is their life. It’s not only what they make it’s what they feed off of. “Music influences me to make music” says Muskett. “Music brings people together and helps people through hard times. I take pride in living a life devoted to returning that favor.” But being an unsigned band does bare its frustration. They’ve gone through two engines and four transmissions of their “Bronze Gladiator,” the band’s tour bus that has survived the lifetime of the band, as well as eight tours of the U.S. “It feels like I don't have a choice. I've always loved it so much; I can't see myself doing anything outside of music. Making it, recording it, etc. It's a scary thing to dedicate yourself to. I wouldn't be happy without it in my life, even though it's also the biggest source of frustration” says Chase. “I dump my money into it, tours, records, gear... it's what I can't live without” says Martin. “I can live without cars and nice useless shit, even a roof over my head, but I can't live without music. A week of no practice and I feel like jumping off a bridge - and Portland has many bridges to choose from.” “Despite our endless battle with the nasty dreaded "music business" side of it, we'll keep doing this as long as we can. It's hard to watch the gas prices rise, it's hard to accept that money can hold us back. Business, money... that shit is NOT very punk-rock.” “Right now it feels like the world is against us” says Hill. “Hopefully we can keep doing this, but with some outside help (strong label/promotion/etc). I just want to be able to survive and keep making this music. The struggles and shitty tours can make the rewards that much more worth it.” Despite their belief in the redemptive power of music, they do have their differences. For writer Musket the most important part of the music is the lyrics. “It's really the only way I'm able to speak my mind in a way that makes sense to me. Talking, I tend to fumble with words or say things I don't really mean, in a process to find the right ones. By the time I get there, I've lost everyone. Writing lets me talk my way and in my own time. Plus, I really like to say bad words into a loud PA.” However, for Martin it’s the unspoken feeling music conveys that brings the power. “I'm not the best with words. But I can explain myself with the feeling created by music. For any band, both the lyrics AND the music have to be excellent. We write the music first and when the lyrics appear, the song always takes on a new life, writing is always exciting.” Everyone agrees that the live shows tend to be very different from the records. “Our records are prettier, our live show is scarier, but they both share intensity” says Martin. “The new album will raise your heartbeat; the live show will give you a heart-attack. I think that in order to truly understand WUF, one needs to experience both sides of the band. We are a live band that makes records. You can't understand one without the other.” Hill says the main differences come from their actual presence. “We rock out. I hate seeing bands that don't rock out. I don't mean jumping around like an idiot, but you can tell if a band is really enjoying it and in "the moment." The recording is more "produced" with some strings, piano and such.” The band’s three albums have been widely acclaimed, with “Dividing Blue From Blue,” their very first record, being voted one of KEXP radio’s top ninety albums of 2001. Their latest, a self titled record, released last year, keeps the momentum going. “Here’s Your Pretty” is a heartbreaking ballad while “Fake Your Death” is about as immediately and exciting as music gets: the first line sucks you right in. If there’s a definitive Woke Up Falling song, this would be it: it displays all their technical prowess as well as their ability to create an atmosphere, an emotion, that only music played with this kind of heartfelt passion can do. It basically showcases exactly what Martin and the band want their audience to take away with them. “I want people to walk away thinking, "Wow, they really meant it." 

A Little Perspective

Hi everyone! I hope you all learnt something new in my last post, but it made me realise, five years outside of the church is a long time! Maybe my perspective and experiences with clothes whilst within that religion aren’t as relevant now as they were back then. Everyone in church is so different and has such a various understanding and relationship with clothing. It could be from how they’ve been taught to practice and live the gospel at home, to the activities they pursue outside of church, and the countries and social cultures they were raised in.

I thought, why not get some fresh perspective and ask members how they’re making modesty work, and why they feel it’s important that they practice it! This will hopefully help me better understand the direction in which to take the content of my zine, and also to get a more specific and informed understanding of my target audience.

So I’ve asked four Latter-Day Saint young women of different cultural backgrounds and ages a couple of questions on modesty and their religion, and I thought I’d share the answers that I got here! After reading them, I honestly wanted to give each one of them a hug, because I think their moral poise and understanding of self-worth within their religion really comes through in their answers.

I want to say a massive thank you to the sweetest girls, Jessica, Sarah, Elizabeth and Amirah for answering these questions and allowing me to share your answers in this space - you’ve been more of a help than you could ever know!

Jessica was born into the church and she lives at home right next to the Preston Temple, with her mother, father and six younger siblings. She’s going to be seventeen at the end of this month, and is moving with her family from Chorley to Utah! Jess is studying and hopes to attend BYU to learn medicine.

Sarah (fourteen) and Elizabeth (fifteen), are sisters who were also born into the church. They’ve grown up in Germany and have lived in various places in the Netherlands throughout their youth. They live with their mother and two younger siblings in Lancashire now. Sarah attends high school and Elizabeth studies music from home!

Amirah wasn’t born into the church, but decided to be baptised when she was twelve. Her mother is an inactive member of the LDS faith and her father is Muslim. Amirah decided she wanted to attend church with her grandparents, and asked for lessons with the missionaries. She is what Latter-Day Saints call a convert to the religion. She lives with her mother, two younger brothers, her grandparents and her uncle. She attends high school with Sarah, and all four girls are all very close friends.  

So, here’s the questionnaire! I’ve placed their initial at the beginning of each answer so you can see which answer belongs to which young woman. I hope this gives you a better insight to the culture too!

 1. What does the term modesty mean to you?

A: To me modesty means to value who I am and respect myself.

E: Modesty, to me, means to have respect for myself and my body.

J: Modesty is to be in full control of my body to show the significance of personal standards.

S: Modesty for me is showing respect for myself

 2.  As teenagers and members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, how strongly do you feel your fashion choices make up a part of your unique identity?

A: I feel the fashion choices I make strongly reflect who I am and make up a large part of my identity because it’s the way we express who we are visually.

E: As someone who loves to express themselves with the way they dress it is really important to me that my appearance shows who I am. Dressing modestly suggests that I am true to my beliefs, despite opposition, that I respect my body and am proud of it, and that my religion is important to me.

J: Fashion can be whatever you make of it; for us as Latter Day Saints we can clearly and confidently portray our identity through our fashion choices. The gospel provides guidelines that are encouraged however modesty is a personal choice therefore the freedom I have to choose exactly what I will or will not wear is my own.  

S: Even though a lot of people in the church think that these guidelines are restricting us from expressing ourselves I think it does exactly the opposite! Being able to find your unique identity and style without following the fashion norms can be hard but it lets you stand out from the crowd.

 3. Who would you say your fashion icons are?

E: Zendaya! She dresses in ways that reflect her personality and beliefs. That’s what modesty is about, fundamentally.

J: Kate Middleton is a true beauty; her bone structure though! Kate became a literal princess; her roles as the Duchess, a mother and a woman have been accepted with great elegance and predominantly modest dress standards.

S: Gigi Hadid. She always looks confident in whatever she wants to wear. I've always wanted to be able to pull anything off like her.

4. What are ways in which you feel you can live your religious values daily?

E: Living my religious values on a daily basis, like anything, has its ups and downs. Some situations are easier than others. The emphasis is not on perfection, but on diligence and faith. I try my best every day to live the gospel by counting the blessings that have come from doing so. This makes it much easier to ignore opposition and stick to my personal standards!

5. Do you ever feel pressured by society to dress differently?

E: Yes. Men especially are very quick to point out the way a woman is dressed. But this is the case with many women who dress in all sorts of ways. I think that, no matter what your standards may be, withstanding pressure from society to do anything differently is empowering and confidence building - this is just another way that I feel modesty builds my character as a woman.

A: In all honestly, yes, I sometimes feel pressured to dress differently, in today’s society it is difficult to dress to your own standards and you tend to get teased or judged for what you wear and therefore feel a need to fit in.

J: Modern day beauty standards are being recognized as impossible by both religious and nonreligious people. It is not easy to disagree with the hottest trends, or the newest fashion styles especially when they directly oppose your standards. However certain changes in acceptance for all in a community includes those who want to dress modestly. I have learnt to be who I am and to dress according to church standards because respect for others no matter how they look works both ways (religious or not).

S: It's hard sometimes, especially for girls my age there is always this idea that if you don't dress like everyone else you're weird. And if you think that doesn't happen it does especially in high school. So, it does get hard but I just try to ignore those people. I don't like to fit in anyways.

6. Are there ever times where you wish your church guidelines on dress were more relaxed?

E: The beauty about my religion, and the modesty guidelines that come with it, is that freedom and agency are central. Nobody is forced to abide by standards they don’t agree with - we simply believe that staying in line with these guidelines will reap personal rewards such as self-respect and confidence. Because of this, the guidelines become a very personal and arguably subjective thing and sometimes are interpreted in different ways by different people. Personally, I won’t avoid wearing something just because another LDS member might find it inappropriate, because to me the guidelines are about more than how you portray yourself to other people. So, no, I don’t wish that the guidelines were more relaxed. If I feel comfortable in something and feel that it shows my respect for myself and the love for my faith, then I’ll wear it. If I don’t, then I won’t.

A: Well not really to be honest, we all have the right to make decisions for ourselves and no one makes us abide to these standards, we chose it for ourselves. We just like to stay within these guidelines to allow us to remain more focused on who we are as individuals not how appearances portray who someone is. We also believe that if we keep to these standards we will be gain a certain respect for others and ourselves. However, I wouldn’t wear something that would make me feel uncomfortable and someone else comfortable. I respect the church's standards and I also respect myself therefore only wear what I feel comfortable in and I think is respectable. So, I don’t really think that the church’s guidelines should be more relaxed I’m happy with the way they are, as said they are guidelines to be taken liberally, not strict rule.

J: I seldom experience times where I resent gospel and God given standards. This same attitude applies to my own dress standards; I do not find it hard to avoid certain items of clothes such as crop tops or miniskirts. I ask myself, would you rather be cold in this British weather for fashion’s sake, or purchase an item that will be well worn and bring you confidence? I can then be comfortable knowing I represent the Church of Christ as well as rocking a stylish oversized shirt or a lush dress with the highest of heels.

S: Sometimes I wish it was a bit more relaxed, and I also wish that some people wouldn't take it so serious either. I love dressing differently to most people today but telling me my skirt is an inch too short isn’t exactly a confidence boost either.

7. Are there occasions that you find modest dressing especially difficult?

E: Yes, there are times where we, as young women, are made to feel as though dressing modestly is a symbol of submission, weakness, frigidness or conservatism. In an age where women are constantly hyper-sexualized and objectified, it’s difficult to even find and buy clothing that fits these standards. But integrity and staying true to my beliefs are really important qualities to me that make it easier to dress modestly.

A: To be honest there are some occasions where I find it particularly difficult to dress to church standards simply because in this day and age there are not that many modest options for girls in general. I think this is an issue for girls of these standards because even for church occasions we cannot find suitable clothing for church dances or activities etc.

J: Yes. There will always be times where it is simply easier to dress like everyone else. Some choose to justify themselves by reeling off a bunch of reasons why we should be able to wear a piece of clothing they deem appropriate. Some can find justifications for every occasion in life, whether that be a bikini on the beach or a more fitted dress in comparison to others. But I strive personally not to let these affect my core values but instead to do what I know to be right.

S: There are plenty of everyday situations that make it hard for us to dress modestly

 8. What are your opinions on the Sabbath day dress code for women?

E: Dressing appropriately for a church meeting is about showing respect and commitment to the gospel. We are encouraged to wear our smartest clothing, whatever that may be. To me this is an important aspect of how I live my religious values, and while there are certainly more opportunities for women to dress immodestly than there are for men, we believe that both men and women should be conscious of how they present themselves in and outside of church.

J: I find the dress code respectful! We as faithful Saints show our love and appreciation for the Saviour by dressing modestly on His Sabbath Day. We forget about ourselves, and allow Christ to welcome us in open arms, whatever we may be wearing. A true commitment to this gospel suggests that the smart ‘Sunday dress’ should be an easy priority.

S: There isn't really a specific dress code. It simply states to wear your smartest clothes. So, you can wear whatever that may be for you personally. Just because most people come in a dress or a skirt and a blouse doesn’t mean that’s what you have to wear. I know a girl that came in a full-on power suit.

9. In a church that is mainly governed by men, and whose guidelines are more often set by men than women, do you feel as though you’re able to express feminine empowerment through what you wear? 

E: The guidelines are set by leaders of the church, men and women, through diligent fasting and prayer to God to ensure that the instructions are clear and righteous. The rules on modesty are not there to restrict us or discriminate us as women - they are there to help us see ourselves as God sees us. To me feminine empowerment is about making the conscious choice to dress in this way for myself, not for anybody else.

J: My religion is named ‘The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints’ for the sole purpose that it is Christ’s gospel. The guidelines, which are not enforced on any child of God, are carefully and specifically set through God’s living representatives on the earth today; His prophets and apostles. Knowing this makes me feel secure, strong and proud to listen to the guidelines set.

 10. Why do you choose to dress modestly?

A: I choose to dress modestly because I generally feel less self-conscious and it makes me feel better as a person when I live up to these standards. I also feel that when I respect myself others see me for who I am and respect and accept my standards.

E: Because I feel representative of my church and its standards and it is important to me to live these standards daily - dressing modestly is just one of the ways to do this.

S: I don't dress modestly because I would be a distraction to others. And I don't do it just because I'm told to either. I do it for myself, people recognize when you dress modestly because you stand out from a crowd and it's nice to be different sometimes.

11.If you were going to pick up an LDS fashion magazine or leaflet, what are some of the things you would like to see featured?

E: More than anything I’d like to see diversity so that every young woman can relate to what is being shown in the magazines. Women all over the world are members of our church and they should all feel included in the encouragement of these standards - regardless of ethnicity, figure, or disability.

J: Any recommended shops that are good for basic modest steals like t-shirts or longer skirts? Some selected pieces at reasonable prices would be nice; if they are modeled this would be even better! It’s always great to see popular options available in all sizes.

S: It would be nice to see different ways to express your individuality through the way you dress for people who maybe haven't found it yet and want to do it and keep to the church's standards. And it would be nice to not see just plain and boring outfits because there are plenty of ways to stay fashionable and keep to LDS standards.

12. Who do you look up to in the LDS community as trailblazers of modest fashion?

E: A young woman I know called Phoebe Gore is an up and coming fashion blogger who uses social media as a tool to encourage modest but stylish dress. Check her out, she’s a great example.

J: There is a LDS fashion blogger named Emily Smith who created her platform with a goal of increasing the number of modest outfits on social media sites like Pinterest and Instagram. She also provides tips and tricks for girls who wish to dress more modestly. Emily’s outfits often feature floral prints and statement tees that would make any fashionista stand out. Check out her Instagram for tons of inspiration. @modestgoddess_. Also another one (cheesy name) but great for inspiration! @fashionmormongirls!

13. How do you make dressing modestly work for you?

E: I simply ask myself whether I feel comfortable in what I’m wearing. If I do, I’ll wear it. If I don’t, I won’t.

J: Modesty has become a part of who I am. People often say they have to work around clothes to make them modest, I don’t bother. Modesty works for me, suits my style and even turns a few heads every now and again!

S: If i feel confident enough to wear it throughout the whole day in front of all different types of people then I'll wear it.

2016 Year in Review

This is super late in coming but I haven't found time earlier to sit down and process everything that has happened in this past year (also, leaving my laptop at home, D's apartment not having wifi yet and then getting sick hasn't helped lol). According to a lot of people, 2016 was a mess. More or less, I feel a similar way. But I also wanted to sit down and think because this has been a big year for me in a lot of ways. Without further ado, all the little ways my brain has been trying to convey everything that can happen in a year: Places visited: * 2 countries * 5 states * 10 cities Big events: * (Sort of) lived abroad for a few months * Got into 3 Top Ten graduate schools * Ate at Blue Bayou and Carthay Circle at Disneyland * Worked my first (and second) political campaigns * Got my first promotion to a lead position * Broke up with my boyfriend from UCLA * Met my current boyfriend * Published my first (paid) essay * Became an assistant dance teacher at Filipino Cultural School * Became the first female black belt in Doce Pares Los Angeles * Got into a car accident and totaled my car * Moved to D.C. * Started graduate school at AU * Was awarded a graduate research assistant position for a professor working in Gender and Development * Got an unpaid internship working for an environmental nonprofit focusing on conservation and sustainability in the Eastern Arc * Got a paid fellowship in DC working in environment and politics * Published my first poetry chapbook * Published one of my poems online * Received my first mention in acknowledgements for working with a former professor on his memoir * Booked and flew my first domestic flight alone (back to LA) * Was published in a literary Zine * Went to New Jersey and New York with my former roomie * Realized that although grad school is supposed to be a trial run for professional life, some people still suck and are immature as well as secretly sexist masquerading as intellectuals * On a related note, made and unmade my first friend in grad school * Received As and A-s for my first semester * Organized the first PTSP 13-14 board reunion * Went to Six Flags with my family Highs: * Getting into 3/4 grad schools I applied for, all ranked Top Ten in their international affairs/development programs * Visiting Batanes, Philippines * Visiting Palawan, Philippines * Working on political campaigns * Meeting and dating and being in a relationship with D * Getting my first paid publication * Becoming a program lead consultant for the Southern California and Central California regions for Mirus * Getting four publications out for my writing and poetry * Going to the Philippines and receiving my black belt (and being the first female black belt from my school's chapter) * Going swimming with the whale sharks in Cebu * Going to grad school and making the right decision to go to AU instead of Johns Hopkins (it was really hard to turn down Johns Hopkins) * Getting half my grad school paid for at AU with a research assistant position * Getting a paid fellowship (apparently super rare in DC) for the CAC working in climate change and politics * Getting my first poetry chapbook published * Flying back to LA on my own and going to Disneyland * Going to New Jersey and New York with R * Got As and A-s for my first semester while holding down two internships and a research assistant position * Finally having a PTSP reunion with my board * Having my cousins from Texas spend the holidays with us * All the adventures with D this year, from Griffith Observatory to the Americana to The Grove to Disneyland Lows: * Dealing with my anxiety and depression in the Philippines, without medication and without my support systems in the States * Breaking up with my long-time boyfriend from UCLA * Dealing with politics in the Philippines with my martial arts group * Getting into that car accident and totaling my car * Moving to DC, away from my friends and family and bf * Spending my birthday alone and stressed out from school * Realizing my so-called first friend at AU was a sexist, immature jerk This year was hard. One of the hardest I've gone through so far but it was also full of amazing things. While I may not have accomplished everything on my bucket list, I feel like I accomplished a lot. I reached out to old friends and renewed friendships, I reached out to my old PTSP board, I went swimming with the whale sharks, visited Puerto Princesa and saw the longest underground tunnel in the world, went swimming and exploring in El Nido. I paid for my own trip back to the Philippines to get my black belt and swam with the whale sharks. I got into almost all the grad schools I applied for and they were all top ten; I got $20,000 a year to go to one of the best schools in the nation and a really good fit for me ideologically, which is amazing. I was also published four times! Not in academic writing, which is my next goal, but for poetry and an essay. I have my very own poetry chapbook out and I am humbled by the support and feedback I got from the people who bought copies from me. I was paid to have a personal essay published online. And all of these things are things I couldn't have imagined actually happening to me growing up. Being a published writer seemed like a pipe dream almost so thanks are in order for the people who spurred me on to submit my work and try to make this happen. Without the influences, good and bad, I wouldn't have ever thought to try submitting my writings for publication. I also moved all the way across the country for grad school after getting my black belt. I literally left behind almost everythingI knew: my family, my friends, my boyfriend, etc. I also got into a really bad car accident literally the day before I flew out. I totaled my car and spend the rest of the day at the ER basically. I flew out the next morning. And the day after that, I had orientation for AU. I'm still processing how badly that accident left me. Everyone said I was lucky to be able to walk away but I'm left slightly traumatized by the experience. When I drive on the freeway now, sometimes I have moments of panic that my car won't stop in time again and I'll crash. I hate changing lanes and I can feel my anxiety spike whenever someone mentions it. This year has definitely been a fight for my mental health. From holding back panic attacks from someone sending me horrible text messages to struggling with anxiety from politics, to depression from moving away to repeated cycles of both for other causes, I constantly have to fight against mental and emotional exhaustion as well as the depression and anxiety while juggling with my everyday commitments. The Philippines was rough because of my depression and then coming back was rough because I knew my ex and I were not going to work out and I didn't want to hurt him. The breakup sucked. We were both not okay for a while, but I have to be grateful for the friends I made who supported me when I was in that dark place and for him and my other friend who told me I needed to be alone for a while (given how that was the reason I wanted to break up in the first place and my depression and anxiety were getting really bad but I was such a mess after we broke up, at my lowest I wanted to get back together). Because even though I should have ended it way sooner and I tried, he really was my support system while I struggled in the Philippines for three months and I am grateful for that. Even though we don't talk anymore, for I think a variety of reasons, I am grateful for the love and support we had in our relationship. And the friends I've made because of him. And I met D. Even though I didn't plan it and actually wanted to be single and alone until after I moved to DC, it turns out life doesn't work the way you want it to at times. 😂 So even though I struggled with the timing of it all (in more ways than one), it taught me the difference between falling into a relationship and actually actively wanting to be in one. I had forgotten what that felt like to be attracted to someone and have that kind of chemistry. It also reminded me of what a relationship should start with: a connection, friendship, and attraction. No trying to convince myself against my better judgment (and desire) to go out with someone, no falling into a relationship by going with the flow. I guess there's a lot to be said about choosing your partner with open eyes and that spark of attraction. I am grateful to have D in my life and the universe for bringing us together. I am grateful for the friends who told me I deserve to be happy and to move on and who reassured me that it was okay, regardless of timing. I remember being stressed out and anxious about my jobs. It was hard working from home and being glued to my phone for my brand ambassador work. But I was handling things: I got promoted and I had regular brand ambassador work and preferential treatment for gigs, which is more than a lot of people can say in that industry. At one point I had three different jobs and I was really stressed out and looking forward to moving to DC so I could quit my jobs. I kept it together long enough to move to DC. And then I moved to DC and the search for internships and ways to support myself began. I accepted a volunteer internship with an environmental nonprofit working for sustainability and conservation in the Eastern Arc because I was afraid I wouldn't get any other positions. Everyone told me how competitive it was to get an internship in DC, let alone a paid internship. But I was lucky. I heard back from the climate change and politics fellowship (paid) I wanted and was offered the position. I also heard back from a few other places, including one for a national think tank (unpaid) but turned it down because I couldn't handle three internships, a research assistantship and full time grad school. Honestly, at points I didn't think I could handle the two internships, and one was only a couple hours a week. But at least my mental health was never so bad I couldn't force myself to get up and get through the day. Somehow I made it through and even though I didn't get straight As like I wanted to my first semester, I got As and A-s. Still there's a lot to be grateful for. I'm grateful for school, and the experiences I've had this year. I'm grateful to my friends and the people in my life, I'm grateful for my boyfriend and I am also grateful for my family. Despite the worst fights we've had this year (and they have been bad), I guess family still has your back when things get tough. I may not have the perfect family, or even a normal one, but I am still grateful to have them in my life despite their flaws and awkwardness and problems because I know they love me and I hope they know I love them. And I hope we have many more years with annoying and loving each other. Bye 2016. You were rough but were good to me a lot of times. May 2017 hopefully be better as we move forward!