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crookedkryptonitebeliever · 3 months

Text

Best and Worst of both Worlds (part 1)

Tw: yandere oc guy, but i dont think this chapter shown that yet, but readers a fuckin stalker loser this time, university horrors

Okay guys so this story im literally pitting Yves and Montgomery together, gonna be a little slow burn but we r gonna get 2 da conflict like eventually

Also da settting in university cuase its da most relevant 2 me 💯

Enjouy

PART 2

He's so beautiful and ethereal. The man has been plaguing your mind for the entire week, you're being distracted from your assignments just because of this unbelievably gorgeous man with silky, long hair and dressed to the tens.

You grinded your teeth and scratched your skin, you know where he frequents. The university's library. And you obviously want to get closer to him after he caught you from falling. You slipped on a sheet of paper that you dropped and this mysterious stranger was there to catch you by the waist before your body could make any devastating impact. Unfortunately, your stacks of textbooks and other miscellaneous documents were scattered to the ground.

"Are you alright?" He asked, his voice was smooth and pleasant with a unique, suave accent to it.

You were reduced to a nervous, stuttery mess. He gently brought you back up to your feet, he helped you gather your things and even arranged it by size and weight, so that it would be less likely for it to topple over. The man took a further step to smoothen the frizzles of your hair, fix your collar and sleeves. He even zipped your backpack up, you were unaware that it was open in the first place, adding to your embarrassment. You couldn't really push him away because your arms are occupied with your belongings.

It was hard to look into those stunning emerald eyes without flustering yourself even further, so you looked away while you stammered a "thanks" to him.

"Be careful." He said as he tilted your head by the chin to make direct eye contact. You know that you're as red as a tomato, but he didn't comment on it. The man lets you go before walking away, he fixed the handles of his luxury bag on his shoulder. Luscious curls bouncing with every step.

You felt like you wanted to explode right there and then, it took you a while to regain composure, other university personnel wondering why you're just standing in the middle of the path like that. Aren't you tired of holding all that stuff? It looked heavy.

You were snapped back into your senses when someone who you assumed had a bad day, told you to get out of the way. You scurried along the traffic, having the incident fresh in your mind.

You wonder who that man is, a student? A professor? A staff member?

You came to know that he's in the library for a few hours every weekday afternoons. He doesn't have a particular spot, the mystique spontaneously appears in random but fairly secluded reading spots in the library.

You felt like a stalker, but that's what you are. Too shy and afraid to talk to him, yet content with watching from afar. His ears are covered by his hair, so you don't know if he had any earbuds in. Fuelling your hesitance to make any contact first.

He could be reading a thick novel, handwriting something down on his notebook, or he could be typing away on his sleek, black laptop. In either instances, you have no idea what he's doing, it's either in a foreign language, full of numbers or completely made up of technical jargon.

You don't know why you're doing this instead of studying for your midterms. You're never like this to any of your crushes, not this obsessive over a real person, so why now? What compelled you to become this... creep? It's like you can't stop. You're scared of rejection but you can't get rid of the butterflies in your stomach.

You had no one to talk to about it because university is a very lonely place. At least, for personality types like you. You didn't want to bother your other friends, they have their own problems to worry about.

It reaches a point that you tried following him out of the library, wondering where he will go next. Before you could step past the automatic sliding doors, you looked at the book in your hand.

'Wait a minute, this is fucked up.' You thought to yourself. This isn't like you, exams are in spitting distance and you're subjecting this poor person to this harassment just because of a singular interaction.

You made a 180⁰ turn and marched back to your all-time favourite seat. Which happened to be occupied by the stranger earlier, maybe that made you a little peeved because you "claimed" it first at the start of the year. But he took it for the day.

To your surprise, there lies his notebook on the ground. He must have accidentally left it. You picked it up and looked around to make sure the coast was clear, then you flipped through it.

You were blasted with numericals, diagrams, words you weren't sure if it was written in English or otherwise and even floorplans of a building of some sort. You couldn't understand anything.

"Excuse me."

You whipped your head to the whisper. It was him! Your blood ran cold as he caught you snooping through his item. You opened your mouth, but no sound came out.

You struggled to form a coherent sentence as you pointed at it, you're done for, you're going to be confirmed a creep. But he only watched you with the utmost patience.

There came a point where you gave up, placed the closed book on the table and pushed it towards him.

Luckily though, you didn't have to say another word.

"You found my notebook. How careless of me to have dropped it." He pulled a chair opposite of you and sat down. You watch him place his handbag on another chair.

He elegantly picked the journal up and slid it into his bag. You were sweating at this point, the dread is about to make you vomit on him and that's not great. You wished that he would go away now, but seeing that he's locked onto his seat, it's highly unlikely.

You prayed hard for it though, he finished his business for the day. There shouldn't be any reason for him to linger.

"Thank you for keeping it safe. I hope you found whatever it is you were seeking from me." He continued, crossing his legs and resting his hands on the table.

What.

You asked what he meant by that.

A teasing smile made its way to his rouge lips.

"You were watching me." You grew pale and you scrambled to explain yourself, but he raised his index finger to signal you to let him continue.

"Your tact could be improved upon; I could see you trying to hide behind the shelves, I could hear you mumbling to yourself, and you shouldn't think so lowly of yourself." He propped his head up on one elbow.

Your cheeks felt hot. That is true, you were berating yourself for being too wimpy to go ahead and talk to him. You just didn't think you were that loud.

"I would have enjoyed having a chat with you. I wouldn't have thought that you were-- and in your own words, a 'creepy, loser-freak'."

Oh. He heard that too. You wish that you could disappear this instant.

"I'm flattered that you thought highly of me. However, I was disappointed that you thought that I was intimidating." He pouted playfully. "I won't bite." He twirls a lock of his hair around his fingers.

Your nerves are frazzled as he leans in. You didn't know what to say or what to do. He seemingly picks up on that and continues leading the conversation.

"Let's start with names. Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine." You felt his shoe brush against your leg.

You almost forgot your own name as you watch the bead of sweat drip down your nose in horror. He must think you're a stinky slob.

But all he does is stare straight into your soul while drumming his fingers against the table.

You told him your name, with a severe stutter. Each passing second felt like a serrated knife slicing through your flesh.

He repeated it, syllables rolling through his tongue wonderfully. He pronounced it correctly on the first try despite your cripplingly anxious enunciation.

"Yves." He replied. Finally, you have his name. You're totally not going to use that to dig for more information on him.

"You have a beautiful name." He complimented.

You nervously returned the compliment and let out an awkward laugh. Trying your best to ignore the growing sweat stain between your pits.

"How charming of you, (name)." He stood up and pushed his chair back under the table. Yves collected his bag and turned his attention back to you.

"I'd love to talk longer, but I must go now. I believe you have an exam to prepare for. Best begin your revision now, I hope our brief conversation has helped to quell your worries."

...and you mumbled that part about yourself too. It's pretty safe to assume he heard all your thoughts.

Yves extended a manicured hand to you. Taking this as a clear request for a handshake, you accepted it.

Only for him to bring it up to his lips, tenderly and fleetingly kissing your knuckles. This entire time, his piercing gaze never left your eyes.

You wanted to claw yourself out of your flesh and die out of embarrassment.

"Study well."

He lets your hand down and presses it momentarily with his larger ones.

You watched him saunter away with his back turned against you.

You brought the back of your palm to your sight.

There is a faint, reddish tint on it. It must have been from his lipstick.

You're not sure if you ever want to wash your hand after this.

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere oc #yandere male #yandere concept #tw yandere #yandere x you #yandere oc x reader #male yandere oc x reader #oc yves #oc montgomery

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granolawriting · 7 months

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hi can you please do a platonic anakin x reader where the reader is his age and a fellow jedi knight? i see a lot of platonic anakin x padawan but i think it would be interesting to see how his dynamic would be with someone his age. maybe comfort or something of them being equally supportive and protective of each other? <3

pairing: Platonic!Jedi reader x Jedi Anakin

Summary: The night you graduate to a Jedi knight, you're a bit more sad than anything else. The fears of the responsibilities of a Jedi loom over you, and you are afraid of losing yourself. That is, until Anakin finds you and reassures you that if nothing else, you will have each other.

Content warning: comfort!Anakin, implied star wars politics, struggle with identity, mutual comfort, you and anakin have been childhood best friends, reassurance and fluff

word count: 1k

A/N: this was such a cute thing to write <333! I love expanding Anakins character in my mind, and how I would see him do certian things. These are always such a treat to write. So sorry for the wait, but I hope you enjoy it! BTW... dont fact check me about the blue milk claims........

…

You sat awake within your dwellings, unable to properly sleep as the days ahead of you loom above you as a cloud of darkness is to tell even the kindest child that their times of peace come to a nearing end. The frown and pain painted upon the heart of a lost innocence, or moreso a graduation into adulthood is something that plagued your waking mind.

To be a Jedi knight, is to put your life on the line in the name of the republic. Democracy. And it was your duty, as of today, to value the Jedi order more than your own individual life.

What were you supposed to do with that information? You knew you were supposed to relish in this idea of becoming a knight, a selfless champion of peace that campaigned for justice and security, but part of you was unable to shake the danger that came with the title. The inevitable mortality that became evermore clear to you as you sat there staring at the lines within your palms, the creases defining you as uniquely you. A reminder to yourself that no matter how hard you trying to tell yourself otherwise, you are just one person. And that is terrifying in the wake of the enemies of the Jedi looming over your horizon.

…

The hiss of a door reveals Anakin to stand behind its frame.

Anankin, whom had just recently graduated to Jedi knight as well. You and him were younglings, padawans, and thereafter knights together following the life of a Jedi in a similar fold. You and him had been close all your life for that reason alone, always feeling as though no matter how foreign the environment, to find anakin within it's mix is to know you had a friend. An ally.

“Hey, was expecting a bit more of a party in here given the big news today.”

Anakin opens up with a casual smile, noticing the frown upon yours and immediately finding means to try and right it. He had always been a bit childish, it was in his nature, when talking just one on one he was prone to more silly urges of support. There had been many times where he’s needed to help you in the past, and many more where you’ve needed to do the same for him. You and him had a very special bond, one that consisted of mutual support and love, but above all respect.

“I just don't know how I feel right now, Ani. I thought that becoming a Jedi knight would make me feel amazing. That I’d be throwing a huge party or something. But, honestly I'm just scared. Conflicted.”

You take your eyes away from your hands and face them towards Anakins face as he walks closer to you, a sense of fear and sadness coats your every word as the phrase “becoming a Jedi knight” leaves your mouth with negative connotation for the first time.

Anakin sits beside you, holding your open palm between both his hands. He flashes you a grin once more and says;

“To be honest, that's partially why I came. I was a bit worried I somehow was not invited to the party. Was planning on crashing it a bit.”

He laughs a bit, but then the smile falls to a more stern, serious demeanor as he continues.

“But now that I hear what you’re saying, I understand. Do you remember how I was when I became a Knight? Honestly just a few months ago feels like so long. But, I didn't have any kind of party either. At least, any that I wanted. Even being the chosen one I never felt truly whole being a Jedi knight. They strip away a lot of self identification, as means for a greater cause. And that cause is liberating, sure, but it hurts to not know who you are outside of just being a Jedi. And I understand that more than you know.”

Your eyes meet his with welled tears within them, you hadn't planned on talking to Anakin about how you felt, but you grew to realize within that moment that he was the one person who really understood you. He was an equal, not because he was just a Jedi knight, but because he was young still, and he was human. Just like you.

“Hey, how about we make a pact.”

You look at him with questioning eyes, and he urges you to let him continue.

“You’re afraid of losing yourself, aren't you?”

You nod your head in agreement.

“And so am I.”

A moment passes before he speaks again,

“How about we make a promise to one another. To learn about each other. Individually, separate from the Jedi order, or any missions we may go on. To remind ourselves we are more than just what people tell us we have to be.”

He smiles once more as he continues on with what he proposes;

“Like, for example. Did you know I've never had blue milk?”

A smile coats your face and brings you to a laugh at such an astonishing claim.

“What? You lived on tatooinian for like, 10 years. That's like one of 4 things they have out there to drink.”

“Nope. never drank it once. It kind of scared me as a kid, not sure why.”

The two of you grow to laugh as time goes on, telling one another small details about their life, things that make each of you unique and special.

As time grew on after the day you became a Jedi knight, any time you or he could, nights were spent with your best friend learning about him as he learned about you. And every night that was spent swapping stories about favorite genres of book or least favorite planet, you grew to feel unique and individually perceived, and slowly you felt loved. The Jedi didn't scare you anymore, because without them you would have never met Anakin. And he is sure to feel the same.

#star wars #fanfiction #anakin skywalker #fanfic #anakin x reader #anakin fanfiction #hayden christensen #sw anakin #platonic #platonic anakin #jedi x jedi #jedi reader #x anakin #star wars platonic #star wars fanfiction #platonic jedi reader x anakin

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twisted-wonderland-but-gayer · 2 years

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Helloooo! Thank you for exisiting cause finding a GN/male friendly blog is harder than it looks 😭 But i give you choccy milk as my thanks

I hope you dont have too much on your platter already but can I please request a GN reader whos almost like a shadow monster? Its a sudden thought but yknow how Sam probably has smth to do with shadows cause of the char hes based off of, what if the reader was a shadowy monster themselves but their form only can be seen in pure darkness?

Its not a magical girl transformation too, its quick, like if they just step into a small bit of darkness people gets a peek of their true form, and so they have a bit of a bad reputation, but theyre just a nerd in reality who probably doodles bunnies in their notes, how will the bois react?

(This was long so sorry but for the Azul, Ruggie and Rook perhaps?)

Shadow Monster Yuu

I based this off Oz from Monster Prom and Don't Starve so enjoy. Reader is Yuu, but whether or not they have magic is up to you.

Gn, some swearing and body horror

Azul

Azul has had his eye on you from the second you appeared in this realm. A seemingly 'magicless', mysterious individual with no background informed at all comes out of nowhere and gets admitted at NRC as a beast-tamer? Furthermore, almost everyone who has run into you has been saying how terrifying you truly were – giving the Tweels and perhaps Malleus himself a run for their money.

What was it about you that was so scary? What made everyone else avoid you like the plague? And also, who exactly are you? You haven't a cent to your name, no records anywhere, is it true what you said? Of not being from this world? Another dimension? Was that truly possible?

After another report from the tweels came back fruitless, with no information at all on you, Azul took it upon himself to study you. You passed by each other during classes, so surely he may be able to get a glimpse of something. Or so he thought. He was right behind you in the hallway as you walked over to the cafeteria, trying his best to not stick out, making it seem like he just happened to be behind you.

Suddenly you stopped, and pressed your back to the wall behind you, glancing at Azul. Azul paused for a moment, before realizing that you were testing him. If he didn't move now, you would know he was following you. Damn, it's time to bring out the business persona again.

"Ah, greetings Prefect, it seems like we are both headed to the same place, care if I join you?"

There was silence for a moment as you looked at him. "Please stop sending people to follow me, it's annoying. Whatever you want, say it upfront."

Azul paused for a moment. "Now now, Prefect, just where did you get that idea from, it truly makes me– eh?" You walked away from him in the middle of his response. You were quick, and not thinking carefully enough. You stepped in a dark shadow.

You felt the effects immediately, your blood cooling down and body contorting to match the fears of whoever was around you, this time being Azul. Azul's eyes widened in horror as he looked at your shifting form take shape, frozen at the sounds of bones cracking and flesh ripping

Your eyes were brown, red, and occasionally yellow, Azul noted, trying to make sense of your nonsensical form towering over him. Gnashing teeth and glaring eyes were all across your shadowy form. Claws, spines, and odd tentacles sprouting and shrinking. Your face, or rather faces, terrified him the most. His stomach churned as your faces just seemed to somehow look like every bully he was hurt by in his childhood, all of them flaring down at him, calling him names, still seeing him as the pathetic child he always was.

Azul made the mistake of blinking. The minute he opened his eyes your face changed. It was the twins. They looked down at him in disdain, hate-filled eyes. His only friends, looked at him like he was nothing but shit. You saw Azul's shaking form and for form seemed to suddenly shrink, almost looking like a kicked puppy.

"I… I'm so sorry I didn't mean– this is why I told you not to follow me, I…" Your form came out of the shadows, shooting Azul a flustered, yet apologetic look, before walking off. Once he was over the initial shock, a scheming smirk spread across his face.

Ruggie

He never meant to run into you. In fact, he went out of his way to avoid you. Ruggie may not be one for rumors, but when the entire hall makes room for you just to avoid you, you can't help but wonder why. Everyone he's met has something awful to say about you. You're scary, you threatened them, you're going to hurt someone. There were too many people saying the same things and he wasn't taking chances.

Your reputation was no good, just like his. And you both got in trouble over it, just like how he is now. A few students surrounded him, accusing Ruggie of stealing from them. For once in his life, he didn't, but because of his reputation, no one believed him. How he wished to be feared like you and the leech twins.

"For the last time, I didn't take your wallet! The only wallet I steal from is Leona's." "You fucking liar, everyone knows you're the resident pickpocket. Give it back you stupid fucking hyena!"

The students prepared their wands and their fists. Ruggies ears dropped as wiggled free from a student's grip, trying to run off and dodge their spells. While stumbling to get up, a few spells got a hit on him, and the smell of burnt fur and the feeling of bruised ribs disoriented him. Still, he managed to get up and run, before he bumped into… something.

Ruggie couldn't even see what he ran into in the dark of the hallway, but he felt it. Something steadied him and pulled him behind it, protectively. "Leave the hyena alone." The voice snarled. Ruggie couldn't help but freeze in place, trying to feel around for a place he could squeeze out of and run off. Every time he felt around, he was felt right back, making him retract his hands. All he could do was look up at this monstrosity that decided to protect him.

He couldn't see its body, but they were huge. Its limbs are ever-moving and ever-changing twitching and twisting in unnatural ways. There seemed to be never-ending rows of sharp teeth in their mouth as they snarled at the group of students, who all quickly turned tail and ran off. Ruggie could only stand there, not knowing if he could escape at all from your but was quickly surprised to see this creature step into the light.

Cringing at the sight and sound of its body snapping into place, he realized his savior was none other than you. So this is why you're seen as scary, huh? Ruggie stared in shock as you looked over at him.

"You're not hurt are you?" At that, Ruggie relaxed and went on the defensive. "I'm fine thanks to you I guess… so… what do I owe you?"

You stared at him. "Pardon?" "I mean, you surely didn't save my tail for nothing, what do you want from me?"

Ruggie felt bad when he saw you deflate and flinch. "I… nothing I guess. Have a nice day, hyena." And like that, you walked off. Ruggie couldn't help but feel like he may have judged a bit too soon about it– them. Perhaps they aren't so bad.

Rook

Interesting. From the minute he's heard of you, you've been nothing but interesting. A student from nowhere, with no background, a Prefect of a new dorm? The huntsman couldn't help but be curious.

At first, he was simply going to keep you in the background. You weren't his main target after all, but you were still interesting. Or that's how it was supposed to go. Within a week, you garnered a terrifying reputation around campus.

"I heard that the missing students around campus aren't because they dropped out, but because of them" "The other day, they threatened me with my mother's old pictures, she's been dead for years and I've never shared anything with them!" "I heard a child crying and when I approached it I just saw them there with the creepiest expression on their face!"

All of these amazing stories and he has yet to experience one himself. Surely he could change that! You weren't that hard to find, after all. As a huntsman, he does what hunters do best: stalk their prey. Yet, after hours of following you, he doesn't notice anything strange.

You're meek, quiet, and try to keep a low profile. You're nothing like the reports he has heard. However, it's always the quiet ones that have the most to say…

After a few days of following you around, he saw it. On your walk home to Ramshackle, you slipped into the shade. Your body twisted and cracked before his eyes, melting then stretching into incomprehensible shapes a dimension above his understanding 3D. As quickly as it came, it went, and in the sun your meek form returned. His shocked expression turned into fascination. My my, what a little trickster you are!

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #ruggie bucchi #ruggie bucchi x reader #rook hunt #rook hunt x reader #monster mc #gender neutral #body horror #body horror tw #azul ashengrotto #azul ashengrotto x reader #eldritch yuu

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buckyalpine · 2 years

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Yk, I dont like angst, and I so do not like cheating fics. I agree with u, it could be triggering for me as well. (I read it anw still bc I like hurting myself) But i really love how you ended all of it. Never once did the reader forgave and took Bucky back. Love it.

If I may suggest, (solely for my petty ass self’s satisfaction) something for boundaries bucket and Sharon.

Like the group intentionally planned on going somewhere (just overnight) and excluded Bucky (a vacay, a celebration). Thats just the start tho. Bc y/n decided to invite Sharon to accompany bucket while theyre gone. And all of these info were given to bucket right before they left. Something like:

B: hey where are we going tonight?

Y/N: oh well, its (insert event) and WE *literally pointing at the group and excluding bucket* will be gone until tomorrow.

B: bu-

Y/N or nat idk hehe: and since we care sooo much abt you getting lonely here, we decided to invite Sharon over, so she could entertain you, keep you company, yk? You seem to like her presence so much anw.

B: no. I do not want her in anyway at all. I dont need her here. Just send her home.

Steve(?) maybe: oh do you not like the idea of us knowing? You guys would like to interact with the idea that you guys are hiding? You like the thrill?

Y/N(?) maybe: well, easy, maybe just forget and pretend that we dont know!

set it up like this in your head Sergeant Barnes, we told you we would be gone overnight, you decided this is the perfect time to go behind our backs again since yall badly miss and need e/o, so u invited her here, and bam! There ya go. You got the whole scenario set up.

Steve (?): I heard she misses you, you must miss her a lot, no?

B: no. No I do not want anything involving her, never needed nor missed her. If she goes here….

IDK SOMETHING LIKE THAT (it doesnt have to be exactly the way the convo went). I just love the idea of them always excluding bucket out unless necessary to include him, then pushing it in his face that he chose Sharon’s pussy over everything else, so he must live with it. Also Sharon may have liked bucky but all she would get from bucky after that incident is a glare of disgust. She kept throwing herself at bucky but in the end bucket avoided her like plague, even said he hates her more than hydra.

(Idk maybe im petty? Maybe I do not let go easily? Maybe im putting the blame too much on Bucket, but I just want them to suffer sooo much, emotionally.)

But this is just a scene? I think? Its your choice what plot, how it starts or ends, whatsoever, I trust ur creative and beautiful mind 💙

I'm sorry this took for fucking ever to get to, I hope this is sort of how you imagined it.

Months later after the incident:

Bucky looked at the pile of bags by the door, confused since he hadn't been told about any missions and it was rare the group went anywhere together. You sauntered in with a tiny sundress, adding a few last minute items to your bag, ignoring Bucky as he looked at you longingly. He still loved you. So much.

It was one thing to lose you if things simply didn't work out; the way he lost you was so much worse. He clenched his fists, trying to calm himself down before speaking.

"What's with all the bags...?"

You turned around, smiling at him sweetly, the smile he missed so much. The smile you only genuinely gave

"Well, WE are going to Clint's cabin for the weekend"

"Oh-

"Surprised no one told you, after all I even invited Sharon just to keep you company"

You shrugged at his hurt expression, continuing to arrange your bag. Bucky's jaw clenched, he'd ignored Sharon’s mass of calls and texts, surely 50 of them must have been regarding this trip but he never bothered checking.

“I- I don’t even want her, just send her home, or uninvite her, I never even liked her, she-

“She was wrapped around your dick” You snorted while Steve came to start putting things in the Jet.

“Go easy on him y/n, maybe they just like the excitement of sneaking around and and fucking each other behind peoples backs. Honestly, if that’s what gets you off, we’re more than happy to pretend we don’t see you”

You nearly cackled while Steve threw a few bags over his shoulder, not bothering to look at Bucky who was most likely about to cry.

“Just pretend we don’t even know! I’ll even lay it out for you, picture this. We just told you we were taking a quick trip out of state and since you’re star crossed lovers, who just desperately miss and need each other so badly, you decided to take a romantic getaway here while we were all gone. I’m pretty sure Tony made some upgrades to the cabin, the walls are probably sound proof”

“Y/n, please...” Bucky looked at you with pleading eyes, this was so much worse than any pain he’d experienced before. “I don’t like her, I still love you”

You ignored him, zipping up your luggage while Nat walked by smirking.

“Hmmm I heard she misses you” She sassed, rolling her eyes seeing Sharon making her way down the elevator. “You must miss her too, right? You guys had some real chemistry”

Bucky remained silent, watching you while his heart continued to break. You were supposed to be his girl. It was supposed to be you. The girl he married, the girl he had a family with, the girl who he grew old with.

He hated it. He hated himself. He had 100 choices he could have made every single time he had slipped up. It was bad enough it happened more than once. He betrayed you. He betrayed Steve. He couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror, feeling pure disgust and guilt with himself.

Did he fuck up royally? Yes.

Did he genuinely love you? Also...yes. And he always would. This wasn’t something he was ever going to move on from.

“Baby...” Bucky’s voice cracked as you shook your head, walking away. He’d times as many times as he could, begging and pleading. He knew the damage was done. He knew you’d never come back to him, even though he was going to wait for you for the rest of his life.

“Bucky!” Sharon smiled, making her way towards him. Bucky felt bile rise in his throat, it didn’t matter how many times he told her he was done, she continued to throw herself at him. “You didn’t reply to my message. Everyone’s going to the cabin”

“Don’t you feel an ounce of guilt?” Bucky growled, staring at her packed bags in disbelief.

“For what?” She snorted, shrugging nonchalantly, her eyes trailing up and down his body.

“Sharon, I- never mind. I can’t make this any clearer, I’m not interested”

Bucky tried to shove past her to go back to his room while she ran after him, grabbing his arm.

“But it’ll be so much fun! We’ll even get our own room” She whispered by his ear and Bucky could feel his blood boil. He yanked his arm out of her grasp, nearly knocking her off balance. “Don’t you like me-

“WILL YOU FUCK OFF?! PLEASE?!” Bucky took a few steps back, his patience reaching his limit. “I NEVER FUCKING LIKED YOU”

Sharon gaped, staring at him like a fish out of water. Nothing pissed her off more than the fact that Bucky still liked you,

“Why the fuck do you still like her?! Have you seen her? You can do so much better-

Bucky ran a hand over his face, taking a few deep breaths that did nothing to calm him down but he didn’t want to do something he’d regret. He’d already done enough of that.

“Fuck off. FUCK OFF I lost my girl because of a stupid fucking choice I made, I’ll deal with those consequences now, but that doesn’t mean I want you. I never wanted you. We fucked. That’s it. I loved her and I STILL love her”

“You-You can’t do this to me,

“Sharon, in all fucking honesty, Hydra wasn’t as awful as you”

Sharon scoffed, tears streaking her face as she threw her bag to the floor before going back to her room.

“Shall we go, pretty lady?” You squealed as Thor effortlessly swept you off your feet from behind, carrying you to the jet. (Or some other character if Thor isn’t your cup of tea, pick through your roster of choices)

“You don’t have to carry me” You giggled, throwing your arms around his neck, snuggling into his hold.

“And let my princess walk while carrying these bags all day?” He gasped, before kissing your nose. “Absolutely not”

Bucky watched you leave in his arms, your eyes twinkling, your laugh echoing down the hall. He broke a hole in the wall. Then another. Even after utterly destroying his room, he felt nothing. No sense of relief. You were gone. You were not coming back.

The nightmare he brought on himself would never end.

(and then it was all a dream, and he woke up from the nightmare and you were snuggled by his side and he proposed to you the next day and you got married and Steve was the best man and then you had lots of sex and had lots and lots of babies and grew old together the end im never writing about this godawful au again)

Please let me know if you want to be added or removed! (also this is an 18+ blog, I can’t tag nameless/ageless blogs)

Tags: @glxwingrxse @hungryyeyes @sebsgirl71479 @beabutterfly987 @teambarnes72 @witchy-whore @jamesbuckybarneswify @slutforsexyseabass @chrisdrysdale @littlemarvelmenfan @buggy14 @whimsyplaty92 @sergntbarnes @inkedaztec @pono-pura-vida @moonlightreader649 @brooklynscherry-z @elle14-blog1 @littlelightnings @psychomanniac-blog @happyt0exist @emmabarnes @bethyruth @matchat3a @cjand10 @getwellsoontana @cherryschaos @lokisasgardianvampirequeen @ashenc-blog @buckybarnessimpp @potatothots @goldylions @high-functioning-lokipath @morganemorgane @peaches1958 @kingfleury

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ihavemanyhusbands · 27 days

Note

okay i have a devious idea lmaoo what if this time Duncan was the one touching himself after getting too worked up from the car accident sweetie giving him a shoulder massage hahahahh (platonically ofc lol) would he imagine her on her knees? Bent over the kitchen counter? In the shower? The possibilities are endless 😭😭

(P.S please dont let these little blurbs keep you from writing a long fic 🥹 i need it like a shot of espresso in the morning)

-🌧

AUIFUEJHWJW god u just know me soooo well!! And don’t worry I’ll still definitely write a longer fic at some point <33 I aaaalready have an idea even 🤭 I love these two so MUCH!!

——

Long after you’d fallen asleep, softly snoring under a pile of blankets, Duncan was still wide awake. He’d slid out of bed and had to lock himself in the bathroom, attempting to stifle the fever that had been plaguing him for hours.

Despite the massage you’d given him earlier, his muscles were still tight. He’d sat ramrod straight, barely even breathing, while your hands attempted to knead out the years of knots and tension from his broad shoulders.

Still, he had thoroughly enjoyed the attention, not to mention your touch. The latter he enjoyed perhaps a little too much, for his mind wandered to some lewd places. He couldn’t help but think of where else he wished your hands would roam. The way they would caress him experimentally, like he was a marvel worth exploring.

He’d been paralyzed by an intense desire, which left him mostly mute for the rest of the evening. Luckily for him, you thought you’d helped him relax enough to tire him out. And the way you nestled right into his arms as you went to sleep….

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, his other hand palming the prominent bulge in his underwear.

His eyes shut and he invariably surrendered to his fantasies and the promise of release. He freed his throbbing erection from his underwear, trying to imagine it was your soft hands stroking him and not his own rough ones.

A groan almost escaped him, but he bit his lip to keep it in his throat. He bucked into his hand as he thought of the way you felt against him, your smell and warmth overtaking his senses. The gentle touch of your lips to his….

Imagining how you’d moan, too, was a special kind of torture. Sighing his name near his ear, clinging onto his shoulders as you dissolved under him. He would completely get lost in you.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He bit back an even louder groan as he spilled all over his hands, his eyes screwed shut and head leaning back against the wall. His chest heaved during the comedown, his head swimming from how hard he came.

When had he become so hopeless? And when had his imagination turned so vivid?

As he cleaned himself up, he simply knew that this wouldn’t be the last time he’d end up in this situation. He just hoped that he wouldn’t be so obvious around you.

———

#🌧️ anon #duncan vizla x reader #the black kaiser x reader #duncan vizla smut #polar fanfiction #minors dni

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 1 year

Text

Don’t Run

Prompts: hello hello hello i have a merlin fic idea (which you are Not obligated to write /gen) merlins been hiding his magic from arthur for ages (but arthur already knows about it, doesnt really care, and has just been waiting for merlin to tell him on his own terms). merlins magic gets revealed and merlin is Terrified. he basically begs aurthur to not burn him and instead banish him or something. arthur (who was not expecting this) decides hey maybe its a good idea to let all these emptions calm down before I talk about this with him because clearly merlin isnt okay right now. and so he leaves merlin to let him have a break. but merlin freaks (or gets kidnapped or something idk /lh) and decides 'fuck it time to run before he decides to kill me.' arthur now has to go find this magic dumbass (he's probably very worried about him) However, when he finds merlin, merlin assumes arthur is there to kill him and figures 'well if arthur wants me dead i suppose i'll have to die' or something. arthur is naturally horrified and rushes to clear things up. again, if you dont want to write this/dont feel comfortable writing it, dont /gen (i know its detailed brain went brrrr at like midnight and thought this up lmao) have a great day!!! drink water or get bonked /lh - anon

me, as the angsty person i am, am a sucker for the 'Person A gets kidnapped or captured for a bit and when they're rescued think they're dreaming/hallucinating' trope. no pressure for you to write this ofc, feel free to ignore this /gen - anon

prompt: can you please do a Merlin gets betrayed by someone he cares about h/c fic? also can merlin be aroace and trans? - anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: panic attacks, betrayal, anti-magic sentiments

Pairings: merthur, can be platonic or romantic you decide

Word Count: 3725

It was supposed to be a normal hunt. It was supposed to be a normal hunt.

It was supposed to be this: they get out of the castle so Arthur can be less of a prat, the knights have that weird banter that they always do where it’s ‘we can make fun of him but if anyone else tries, you will be eviscerated,’ and Merlin gets to enjoy being in the woods because it’s nice outside and he doesn’t actually have to do that much. They only tend to hunt small things like rabbits and birds anyway.

It was not supposed to be most of the knights having to stay behind for various reasons, including Gwaine who somehow got swept into helping Leon with a council thing.

It was not supposed to be just him, Arthur, and three random knights.

It was not supposed to end like this.

Merlin grunts, hitting the ground hard as a sword slams into his back. He gasps, struggling to find purchase on the loose dirt as the sound of shouts reach his ringing ears. He turns over, trying to get up, only to have the point of a sword leveled at his face.

“G-Gareth?”

Gareth, the knight who had actually been decent to him—which meant he’d helped put away his equipment, helped Merlin tidy up, and actually been nice to him—snarls down at him, sword still aimed right at his throat.

“What—what’s going on?”

“Don’t play dumb, you wretched thing,” the man growls, the point of the sword perilously close to slitting his throat, “I’ve had my eye on you since I came to Camelot.”

“Your eye on me—what? What’re you talking about?”

“As if you don’t know!”

Merlin’s breathing grows ragged as the sword forces his head back down on the ground. Gareth leans over him, spittle flying from his lips.

“You’re poison,” hisses the same mouth that called him kind, called him compassionate, called him hopeful, “you’re a plague that deserves to be wiped out. Scum and traitors, all of you, inhuman bastards that drag the rest of us down to your level.”

It’s the shock of the words that does it, bringing tears to Merlin’s eyes as the conviction in the man’s face drives the sword down further. “G-Gareth, I—“

“Don’t.”

He winces as the sword digs in.

“Keep my name out of your hell mouth,” the man spits, “don’t try and curse me.”

“What,” says the most glorious and furious voice Merlin has ever heard, “is the meaning of this?”

Arthur.

Arthur storms up to them, his own sword drawn, eyes like flame as he sees Gareth with his sword at Merlin’s throat.

“Drop it,” he warns in a voice of steel, “and I might just let you keep your life.”

“He’s a sorcerer, sire.”

Merlin’s blood runs cold.

No.

No, no, no, no, this can’t be happening.

Not like this. Arthur wasn’t supposed to find out like this. No, he was—he was going to tell him, promise, he was but—but after, after everything was fine and fixed and then—then he could—

Not like this. Please, not like this.

“A sorcerer? Merlin? You must be joking.”

“It’s no joke, sire.” Gareth snarls again. “I saw him with my own eyes. His eyes glowed, he threw a spear halfway across the arena without his hands. He has magic, I tell you.”

Merlin looks helplessly at Arthur but all he sees is a stony face. The blade turns him back after a second, back into the face of contempt and hatred and all the things that hurt far worse than any sword.

“We must kill him,” Gareth says solemnly, “to root out the poison before it destroys us all.”

And before Merlin can say anything, before Arthur can say anything, he lifts the sword and makes to swing.

“Merlin!”

A blast and Gareth is flying back across the clearing, smacking against the tree and falling to the ground with a clang.

It rings in the still air.

Merlin’s eyes widen.

He doesn’t hear the cries of sorcerer, magic, evil over the pounding of his heart in his ears. He doesn’t see the light glint off of blades as they’re pulled from scabbards. He doesn’t feel the threat of others getting closer over the dread of what he’s just done.

He’s killed himself.

He used magic to hurt one of the knights of Camelot.

He revealed himself in front of Arthur.

What have I done?

“Sire, what do we do?” He hears the voice from a mile away. “I’ve never killed a sorcerer before.”

Never killed a sorcerer before.

He’s asking Arthur how to kill a sorcerer.

Arthur knows how to kill a sorcerer.

Arthur has killed a sorcerer before.

Arthur is going to kill me.

Merlin shies away from them, curling up into a ball before realizing that could be seen as defiance and whimpering, throwing himself to his knees with his hands raised.

“I’ll go,” he croaks, “I’ll—I’ll leave, you’ll never see me again, just—just let me go. Banish me instead.”

Please, just let me run.

He can’t look at Arthur’s eyes, filled with rage and contempt like Gareth as he strikes him down. He can’t look at him like that, he can’t do it. He won’t survive that alone. It wouldn’t be the sword that kills him.

“Please—please, I’ll go. I’ll go and you’ll never see me again,” he begs, “just—just let me go.”

“Pathetic,” another one of them says, “is that the best he can do? I’ve seen a dog beg better than that.”

Arthur still hasn’t said anything.

“We need to kill him, sire,” Gareth says—oh, he must’ve gotten up— “who knows what he could do?”

Merlin finally looks up, if only to see how close they all are, and his eyes lock with Arthur’s.

He can’t see any of the man he knows.

“Return to camp,” says the stranger who wears Arthur’s face, “pack the supplies. We must make ready for a hasty retreat back to Camelot.”

“But sire—“

“Now.”

Two of the knights glance at each other and slowly begin to back away. Gareth remains for a moment longer.

“Be wary, sire,” he says, “he’s tricky. Did his best to seduce me, he’s a wily one.”

“I can handle him. Go.”

Gareth shoots one last truly disdainful look at him before he retreats into the undergrowth, the sheen of his sword the last to vanish.

Then it’s just the two of them.

“Arthur,” Merlin gasps, “Arthur, please—“

“Shut up.”

The words are different. They’re not playful, not irritated, not—not Arthur. They’re cold. Impersonal. An order. They strike Merlin like rocks from a sling, making him flinch into a sharp rock that jabs right through the thin material of his trousers. His throat closes until only pained and pitiful whines can escape.

They remain where they are for a long moment before Arthur begins to retreat as well, sword still held aloft, backing away until he’s far enough that Merlin can hardly see him. Only then does he turn.

Merlin watches the single spot of red walk away from him until it vanishes into the forest.

His magic tingles in the tips of his fingers and a soundless yell burns his throat as he shoves his hands against his chest, trying to make it go away, this is all your fault, you ruined everything, you always ruin everything!

He has to run. He has to run because sorcerers die in Camelot, they’re put to the sword or burned at the stake and he can’t look at Arthur while he kills him. He can’t. He just can’t. He’d sooner die of that than whatever execution they can dream up.

With stumbling and clumsy steps that are dragged down by his traitorous magic that for some reason doesn’t want him to flee from the site of his execution, he scrambles to his feet and runs.

If Arthur—if Arthur finds him after this, he can say he tried to run. He can run again, he’ll keep running. He’ll spend his life running if it means Arthur won’t kill him and he won’t have to see it.

He runs harder and faster than he’s ever run before because Arthur is a warrior who’s been trained to kill since birth and he’s stronger and faster and can run for longer and if he catches Merlin—

He loses track of where he is. He just runs.

But his magic, his damned magic, that has always loved Arthur more than it loves him, won’t let him.

Like a tether from his navel that twists through the forest, he knows exactly where Arthur is. And exactly when he starts to give chase.

A wretched sob tears itself from his throat and he pushes on, his magic dragging him back each step as Arthur gets closer, closer, closer, and he’s no longer just hearing his own breath and phantom footsteps as he crashes through the woods. He can hear the snapping of twigs, the rustling of leaves, and that voice.

That damned voice.

“Merlin!”

He can’t stop. If he stops he dies. If he stops Arthur kills him. If he stops he—he—

His magic all but throws him over a root and he yelps, turning into a frightened scream as he’s pitched down a hill and into a boulder with a crack.

“Merlin!”

Leaves rustle as Arthur skids down the hill after him and he’s so close, he’s right there and Merlin has to run, he has to run now, but his legs are shaking and his arms won’t work and his magic keeps tugging him back toward Arthur and he just collapses into a useless, cowering mess at Arthur’s feet.

“Merlin!”

“No—no fire,” he gasps out, “please, you—you can do it here, I won’t fight, I won’t—you can use your sword, please, no fire, I don’t want to burn—please, no fire—“

A strong hand grips his shoulder and pulls him in to—

No sword pierces his chest. No dagger finds a home in his gut. There are no hissed words, no glares, no low solemn speeches about magic as a plague.

He can’t even see Arthur anymore. Just the hill. There are two tracks in it. One where he fell and one where Arthur skidded after him. Red fabric flutters in front of him too. Arthur’s cape.

Why can he see Arthur’s cape?

Only when a head turns and breath starts to puff over his neck does he realize what’s happened.

“A-Arthur?”

“Don’t you ever,” Arthur says in a rush, chest still heaving against Merlin’s where he’s pulled him flush against him, legs tangled in a heap, “scare me like that again.”

He’s…he’s in Arthur’s lap. Arthur’s holding him. Arthur’s hugging him.

Arthur has his face buried in Merlin’s neck and he’s telling him not to scare him like that again.

“Arthur?”

“You,” he says, and he sounds like Arthur again—a very angry Arthur, but at least it’s Arthur— “are the biggest idiot I’ve ever met.”

He pulls back and his eyes are still on fire but he’s looking at Merlin like a starving man.

“Why did you run? You could’ve been hurt! You were hurt, you slammed into the rock like it broke your back.” He runs a hand over Merlin’s spine as if reassuring himself Merlin’s not hurt. “You idiot, I almost lost you.”

Merlin just blinks. Almost…lost him? Doesn’t Arthur want to kill him?

“Well?”

Oh. Arthur’s waiting for an answer. “Aren’t you going to kill me?”

Arthur’s face goes white, slack in horror, then contorts anew in red rage. “No, Merlin, I’m not going to bloody kill you.”

“B-but you—“

“I didn’t want the others to try, you absolute petticoat,” he says, still glaring, “because you’re a little lamb who rolls over whenever anyone is trying to fight you except me—which is rude, by the way—and you wouldn’t so much as lift a finger to defend yourself if they tried!”

…that’s why he sent them away?

Arthur rolls his eyes when he voices that thought. “Yes, Merlin. They’re under the impression that they’re to start back to Camelot without me to gather reinforcements.”

Reinforcements—the knights—no—

“Calm down, you idiot, they’re not actually going to—oh, for the love of—Merlin.”

Merlin listens to that. He freezes in Arthur’s arms as Arthur’s hand comes up to cup the back of his head. He stares at him pointedly, gaze flicking from one eye to the other.

“I lied,” he says slowly as if he’s talking to a child, “so they would leave.”

“You…you did?”

“Yes. Because then I could talk to you about having magic—hey,” he says firmly as Merlin tries to pull away again, “none of that. Stay with me.”

Another order. He can do those.

“Right. I wanted to talk with you about having magic so that now we can work together to keep things like this from happening and—where are you going?”

“What do you mean now,” Merlin asks, eyes widening as he tries anew to struggle away from Arthur, “what does that mean?”

“Merlin, I’ve known you’ve had magic for a while now, and—“

“You what?”

“Come on, you’re not exactly good at hiding it all the—hey!”

Merlin had flailed, succeeding in loosening Arthur’s grip and sending them both falling over. He scrambles up, trying to claw his way free but Arthur is faster and he’s on him in an instant.

“This isn’t working,” he hears Arthur growl to himself before arms like steel bands close around him, hauling his back against Arthur’s chest as legs lace through his and pin him well and truly.

“N-no—“

“Shh,” comes Arthur’s voice, suddenly soft and gentle and Merlin hates the way he instantly relaxes, “easy, now. It’s alright. You’re alright.”

A truly pathetic whine leaves his mouth and Arthur hums.

“I’m not going to kill you,” the gentle voice says again, “I’m not going to burn you and I’m not going to use my sword. You will not die.”

But he’s a sorcerer. Sorcerers die in Camelot.

“I sent away the others to protect you. They’re not going to hurt you either. The knights—our knights—won’t let you be hurt and neither will I.” Arthur’s lips brush the shell of his ear. “You’re safe, Merlin. I’m going to protect you.”

“But,” Merlin gasps, “but I’m a sorcerer.”

“Yes,” Arthur says patiently, “you are. I’ve known that for a while. You are Merlin, you are a sorcerer, and I’m going to protect you.”

“Sorcerers die in Camelot. You—you should kill me.”

“I am not going to kill you. You are mine,” and there’s a hint of steel in his words now too, “and no one is going to touch you.”

His magic thrums in his veins and slowly, slowly his breathing slows.

“If I let you go, will you run again?”

“N-no.”

“Alright.”

Arthur lets him go and Merlin doesn’t run. He lets Arthur turn him around and cup his neck again, the other hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t look mad anymore.

“Is that why you ran,” he asks, still speaking softly, “did you think I was going to kill you?”

When Merlin nods, looking away in shame, he just hums again.

“I’m not going to kill you.”

“I know that now.”

“Mhm. So when we go back—“

“Back?” Merlin’s head jerks up. “You’re not banishing me either?”

“What part of ‘I’m going to protect you’ did you not understand?”

“B-but I thought—“

“No, you didn’t,” he says in that soft voice that makes the insult almost an endearment, “you didn’t think because you didn’t realize that I could never kill you or send you away. I’d sooner leave with you.”

His magic hums as if to verify the truth in his words. “You…you would?”

Arthur frowns, but it’s not an angry frown. “You really don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?”

“How important you are.”

The forest seems to fall silent.

Merlin’s eyes widen so much he’s afraid they’re going to fall out of his head. And Arthur’s just looking at him with his face all sincere and his voice is still soft and his hands are gentle where they hold Merlin like he’s something precious and—and—

“What?”

“All those jokes,” Arthur says, “about you and being replaceable and being the worst and a coward…I never really meant them. Never. Well, you are an awful servant, but none of the others. I don’t want you to leave.”

Slowly, like he’s coaxing a skittish animal to him, he pulls him closer.

“I want you.”

Something in Merlin’s chest breaks and he’s sobbing into Arthur’s shoulder in the next moment, hands scrabbling uselessly at his cape, his armor, his hair, every bit of him that he can reach. Arthur weathers the storm like a castle in a gale, holding him tight enough that he won’t blow away.

“I want you,” he whispers, sweet rain in the clouded sky, “I want you to stay, Merlin.”

————

He’s on his back. He’s got a sword at his throat. Arthur stares down at him like his glare is enough to burn him alive and he’s snarling out Merlin’s name.

“Magic is a plague. You’re poison. You’ve betrayed me. How could you do this?”

Merlin can’t speak. His mouth trapped shut. Arthur lifts the sword.

“You’re nothing but an inhuman beast,” come the words that hurt far more than any mortal weapon, “you, who cannot love, who are of twisted mind and body, you who do not understand what it is to be a human.”

All of the secrets he’d hoped to hide…exposed for the world to see.

“May all of Camelot curse your name,” he growls, “Merlin. Merlin, Merlin—“

“Merlin!”

Merlin gasps, jolting upright, trying to get away from the sword, just run—

“Merlin, calm down,” Arthur says, wrapping his arms around him and coaxing him to his chest, “it’s only a dream, Merlin, it’s only a dream.”

No, no, this must be the dream. Why would he be in Arthur’s chambers, at night, in bed, in bed with Arthur—this can’t be—

“Shh, shh, shh, sweetheart,” Arthur murmurs, lying back down with Merlin in his arms, “I’ve got you. It’s only me. You’re safe.”

“A-Arthur?”

“Yes, sweetheart. It’s me.” There’s a mouth on his neck. “Just me.”

He’s still panting, the run still pushing through his legs. Arthur hums, settling him into the blankets and propping himself up over him.

“Where are you right now?”

“Forest,” Merlin chokes out, “sword. You were going to—to kill me.” He swallows. “Said all of Camelot would curse my name.”

“You’re with me,” Arthur says gently, “we’re in the castle. I’m not going to kill you. Can you see?”

He looks around. There’s the desk. There’s the window. Arthur’s white nightshirt is shining in the moonlight.

“…yeah.” He swallows. “I’m—I’m not abusing you, am I?”

Arthur almost reels back in shock. “What? What on earth are you talking about?”

“I—‘cause I can’t—I can’t love the way that—“

“Stop right there,” Arthur orders, leaning down and cupping his face in his hands, “don’t you give a damn about that, you hear me? I care for you, I’m fond of you, you care for me, you’re fond of me, yes?”

“Y-yes.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

Merlin swallows again. “And I’m not…wrong?”

“‘Wrong?’”

“…you don’t mind—“ he blushes— “my—my body?”

“Your bod—goodness, Merlin, this must’ve been quite the nightmare.” Arthur shakes his head. “No, Merlin, your body’s yours. You do what you like with it.”

It says something about how rattled he is that he doesn’t reach for any of the jokes he could make right now.

“Hey,” Arthur calls, leaning down and carding his fingers through his hair, “be gentle with yourself, alright? That was a horrible thing that happened, let it heal in its own time.”

“But it’s hard.”

“I know.” Arthur leans over to kiss his cheek. “Trust me, I know.”

Merlin rolls over, wrapping his arms around Arthur as he chuckles in surprise, pulling him into a proper cuddle.

“You just have to stay, then, until it feels better.”

“Oh, Merlin,” he hears faintly as sleep begins to tug at him once more, “you don’t need to make reasons for me to stay. I’m staying with you, sweetheart, for the rest of our lives.”

#merlin #merlin bbc #bbc merlin #fic #dragonbabbles

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quinnick · 2 years

Note

hi. IT headcanon dump. lets go.

ok so hear me out

eddie had seasonal allergies. eddie also has one of those tiny achu sneezes. so for literally three months a year, he's plagued by richie every time he sneezes.

also idk why but stan looks like someone who would sew. i have no idea why. it might be the projection, BUT I DIGRESS. so when eddie's fanny pack breaks, or richie lost one of his ludacris button ups, or literally anyone needs something, he sews them one. its obviously very shabby, and they pretend they wont wear it, but eventually stan sees them wearing them more and more. no one really acknowledges it, but stan cannot stop smiling whenever he sees them using the things he made them. i dont know where the fuck this came from but its canon now.

one time theyre about to go somewhere important (idk where) and eddie panics like 'oh fuck do i look ok???' so richie pulls out a piece of paper and (horribly) draws eddie. its literally just a stick figure with lines for hair. but richie looks so proud of it so eddie's like 'thanks man'. he keeps the drawing under his bed (he would have hung it on the walls, but he'd have never heard the end of it).

its sort of an unspoken thing that if anyone in the losers club has nightmares, or is feeling lonely, they can show up at any other members house. no questions asked. sometimes they watch a movie, sometimes they have some snacks, and sometimes they just lay in silence, grateful theres someone there.

mike is the undefeated champion of dig dug at the arcade. richie is pissed. (mike: 'i guess its just beginners luck.' richie: *explodes*)

bev likes to chew on mint leaves

billy has a sketchbook where he draws all the members of the losers club. it will never be seen by anyone other than billy.

eddie still says gazebos instead of placebos and nobody ever corrects him

somehow ben always wins at rock paper scissors. no one has ever beat him. no one knows how he does it. hes banned from rock paper scissors now.

richie likes to sing. however. he is horrible at singing. he sings all the time.

bev made flower crowns for everybody before she left for portland. everyone kept them. theyll never admit it.

eddie likes to fold little origami things whenever he's stressed or just needs a break.

so thats all lmao theyre kinda bad but im tired and i dont care.

this will be the first of many IT rambles. you've brought this upon yourself.

THESE ARE NOT BAD !! I am kissing this hcs on the mouth. I love them so much !! Oh my god, Stan sewing is now canon to me and I am blocking and reporting anyone who doesn't believe it (/hj)

Mike being the best at dig dug has me rolling. Richie totally trains for a whole week and finally beats Mike's score just to have Mike beat it effortlessly again when he visits the arcade again. (Wait, I should find this one fanfic I found where Eddie is cracked at video games but lets Richie win because he has a massive crush on him)

Richie and me are once again the same person.

Bill being banned from rock paper scissors is 100/10. Bev making flower crowns had me sobbing. Eddie making origami is so him.

Also, I like the idea that he says Gazbos all the way until someone finally realizes what he is saying when they are all like 45.

#Ask #Moots hc #moots #quinnick answers #it (movie)#IT #it (2017)#mike hanlon #beverly marsh #ben hanscom #stanley uris #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #bill denbrough #The Losers club #tw caps

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 2 years

Text

Please review anon's warnings before continuing.

note: I am not a mental health professional. I'm not aware of every aspect of your life. I may say something that isn't applicable in your situation. And, finally, reminder that I too am a human being with a past. Be respectful and mindful of that.

tw: su*c*de, sh, bad body image

hi wiyllt

im tired. exhausted. drained. i feel crazy and obsessive. i got my academic results a few days ago and wow i havent cried like that in forever. in forEVER. i bawled, lowkey wailed about them. the worst part is theyre objectively really fucking good marks. 96% is not a joke. i am just so disappointed in myself for them. worst part is school's plastered the toppers faces up LITERALLY every corridor, completely forgetting the fact that there was a student who committed su*c*de just two weeks ago, after failing their exams.

ive been so depressed its affecting everything. i feel everything in every way possible. i feel doomed with my friendships, with my relationship, my future, everything. i hate myself like this. last month i got back into my sh habit and everythings going downhill so fast. i want to feel okay again. bad body image has been plaguing my mind and ive been binging on food since last month. ive been crying so much and been just such a mess in school and at home. i am so fuckign depressed i dont even know at this point.

did i mention i havent gotten my period in twenty fucking days.

I'm going to address this bottom to top.

Your period is affected by many things, both physical and mental health. My period is always late when I'm stressed. When I was at the height of my depression, my period came about every 40 days. I thought I was lucky. No. I was fucked up. Your body pours its finite resources for what it perceives as a threat first before going back to its usual routine programming. Sometimes your cycle jumps even when you're perfectly healthy. In nature, there will be outliers and that applies to ovulation too. Just happens. Track your cycle and see a gynecologist if there is a pattern.

To break your self-harm habit, you must remove your tools from your presence. They must be thrown away or difficult to get to. The first step to breaking a habit is making it not easy to do. The second is redirection, preferably to a healthier place such as creation. But I'm not an idiot and I know it is human to simply just pick a differemt self-destructive habit. Believe me, there are many ways to hurt yourself and ruin your life. You must draw a line at this. Do not cross it. Every time you want to do it, write down every reason you want to do it. Burn, rip, mangle the paper. Destroy it until it's unreadable. Keep writing. You better have millions of reasons and none of them will ever justify you doing something like that to yourself. None. Remember this next time and every time you want to do it thereafter.

Yeah, I'm telling you to give up. This, specifically.

Yes, you will still make bad decisions. Yes, life is still gonna suck ass. Yes, you will treat yourself like shit in other ways.

I did.

I don't know anyone who can just stop being depressed. You won't suddenly become a born-again human unaffected by their past (idk, maybe you're an alien, not sure how their biology works, I'll do some probing and report back). Even now I catch myself in moments where I slip back into old habits and thought processes.

You are responsible for yourself. You are responsibile for the bad choices you have made and will make. I know that is not fun. That is not what we want to do. Hell, I have no idea if a certified therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist will agree with me on this, but I'm gonna give it to you straight - the one who has to deal with the consequences of what you do is you.

I spent a lot of time blaming anything and everything, especially life for dealing me shit cards. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for two decades of emotional and physical abuse. But I did what I did. I did fucked up shit. Things will fall apart. You will cry and bleed trying to put it all back together and it might be in vain. You will wonder, when does it get better?

It gets better when you take a moment and ask yourself, "What do I want?"

Not, what are the impossible expectations I have for myself right now? Not, what does everyone else want me to be? Not, here's all the things that are wrong with me and reasons I cannot achieve anything of substance or value. Shut those up for a second. You said, "i want to feel okay again." You can't feel how you felt in the past and anyway, by now, you've glamorized it to something better than it was. Plus, "to feel okay" is a bit vague. Also it kinda gives off meh energy (sorry, but it kinda does). You need something specific.

"I want to repair my relationship with (insert here)."

This can be anything. People, food, school, etc, but you need to focus on one thing at a time. You need to prioritize what it is that is most important to you right now. Don't set a bar for where you want to be at a certain time. Only focus on improvement. Some things may fall to the wayside and that's okay. You can't do everything. When you feel like you're in a good place with one thing, move on to something else. Go back and check on it periodically and search for minor improvements.

It sounds nice, but it might not look pretty while you're doing it. Life is life. There will be setbacks. Every situation, aak yourself, "What is the best version of myself I can be right now?" Not what was or will be, but right now. That might be something great or that might be getting into bed and going to sleep. Sometimes it be like that. Do one more thing than you would if you were feeling just a teensy bit better.

"I'm going to bed instead of studying, but I will set up my desk so it's ready for me in the morning."

"I'll eat one less today. I'm still gonna eat it."

"I'm gonna cry right now. I'll do something about it after. But first I'm gonna cry."

Little by little decision, you can more forward to a place you are more satisfied with. There will always be hardships. Always. But you can control how you react to them and how you deal with them. It might feel like you can't but that's because you need to direct your focus on specifics - what you can do rather than what is out of your control. To be the best version of yourself is to actively understand that you will not always make the perfect decision. It gets better. It gets worse. You are a different person each time. You learn from your past. Do the best that you can right now. Prioritize yourself. Live this life as if there is only one.

Time doesn't come back.

Be mindful of the past and the future, but don't forget to live right now. You'll miss important stuff.

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angelicmichael · 3 years

Note

Oohh, could you do number 10 from the physical affection prompts? "Lifting someone up out of excitement"? Maybe a pregnancy announcement or love confession with whichever Cody guy you feel most inspired by?

A/N: sooo I decided to use duncan for this prompt since I've never written for him before!! Also, I like a challenge so.. I made this both a pregnancy announcement and love confession 👉🏻👈🏻 hope you dont mind!! I hope you enjoy this dear anon 💖. This is a bit long and plot heavy hehe

Waking up to extreme nausea was not how you had originally planned to spend last weekend. What was supposed to be a fun weekend with your friends.. and fuck buddy.. only ended in you becoming best friends with the toilet with one too many plans cancelled.

You hated being sick; but feeling sick and miserable and guilty at the same time was beyond overwhelming. Most of your friends forgave you and understood why you had to reschedule plans. However... your fuck buddy which went by the name 'Duncan' wasnt going to be so forgiving.

Not at first anyway; you knew he would come around eventually.. give or take a few days.

Although, Duncans opinion of you was not the only thing you were stressed out about lately. You also wanted to know why the fuck you got so sick so fast.

It wasnt flu season, you had no reason to be sick, it certainly was not food poisoning... There was only 'one' thing it could still be..

You could be fucking pregnant.

Being pregnant in itself was not something you dreaded; being a mother was something you always knew you wanted to be, and would be one day.

The problem of being pregnant here had to do with 'who' the father would be. And that would be none other than Duncan fucking Shepard.

You knew it was him; you hadn't had sex with anyone in months besides him. Plus.. you two weren't exactly the most careful either when it came to using protection. You knew deep down if you were really pregnant at all; it would have to be with his baby.

Although, things still werent as simple as they seem.

Again, you really had no doubt that Duncan would make a good father, it was just the circumstances you two were in currently that complicated things.

He didnt know you loved him. You two weren't official, you two just happened to be really good friends who, you know.. had sex.

You were nearly certain he didnt love you back, not in the way that you meant anyway. You knew instinctively that when he said 'I love you' to you that he meant it in a way that he would say to his friend or family.. That's probably all he saw you as anyway, just as a friend or family.

That thought made you sick if you started to think that's how you can duncan could end up forever unless you or him made a move. It was a thought that frequently plagued you and even gave you insomnia most nights.

Those thoughts of you and Duncans 'relationship' are what caused you to get a pregnancy test. You needed to know why the fuck you were sick, and if those thoughts about you and Duncan were rational or simply your anxiety attempting to manifest. And of course to your fucking demise, it was a positive test.

You first sat in shock; and then you did the most stupid thing you could think of - you called Duncan.

Of course you didnt outright tell him, you only told him that you needed to see him ASAP and that he needed to come over to see you.

That was about 20 minutes ago.

You awaited for him anxiously in your apartment; you sat on your bed - fully clothed with a bit of makeup splashed on your face in a attempt to look put together. You were absolutely terrified to even think about what the fuck was about to happen.

Your thoughts were racing as you sat in the dark. You didnt even bother turning on the lights; the blinds were drawn as well. Sitting in the dark was kind of comforting - it made everything feel less real.. As if you were dreaming. Although, the anxiety you still felt reminded you that you were in fact, still awake. You truly had no clue what kind of conversation you were about to have.

You didnt even jump when you heard the front door loudly pop open, you had given him one of the keys to your apartment. You listened diligently to his loud footsteps echoing in the living room, as he gradually grew closer and closer to your room. Then, the door opened as you inhaled.

Duncan looked distraught as he entered the room. His hair was slightly disheveled, his outfit looked slightly wrinkled as well. Overall, he looked put together but the longer you stared at him - the more apparent it was that he wasnt okay. He wasted no time in getting to you once he opened the door, it almost threw you off guard at how calm he looked.. something you weren't expecting. You nearly laughed at how out of character this was for Duncan.

"Hey, are you okay"? Duncan asked, speaking rather quickly.

You watched as Duncan hurriedly but cautiously approached you; sitting next to you on your bed.

"I- I mean, yeah I'm okay. I just wanted to see you". You (semi) smoothly lied, thinly smiling in a attempt to try to sell your poorly told lie.

He rolled his eyes and gave you a look as if he automatically knew you were giving him bullshit.

"(Y/n), I know your sick, baby. Just tell me the truth". He said.

Your heart leapt into your throat once you heard him call you the petname. Duncan definetly called you pet names before but it was a rare, once in a long time type of thing. However, it felt like to you that the fact he called you 'baby' only solidified what you knew you had to do.

You had to tell him.

He deserved to know; and you deserved to move on with your life or to attempt too.

"Duncan.. I.. I cant keep doing this anymore". You started, speaking slowly. Your words tumbled fast out of your mouth, knowing that Duncan was about to interrupt you any minute.

"I need you to decide whether you want to be fully committed to me, or to not be in my life at all. I dont really know how to say this but, I'm in a stage of my life where I cant 'fake' be with you, Duncan. I cant only be with you behind closed doors. That's just.. not going to work anymore". You said confidently.

Even though you sounded confident, you really felt quite the opposite. You had no idea what to expect of how he would react. What if he just left?? What if he didnt want to be with you, at all??

You held your breath as he continued to sit next to you; the silence almost deafening.

You looked over at Duncan, he studied his hands which were clasped together over his knees. He looked as if he wanted to speak but he couldnt get the words out... until he finally did break the silence.

"So, what are you suggesting? What are you trying to get at here, exactly"? He prompted. His voice was still slow and calm but he sounded slightly irritated and on edge. You couldnt blame him.

Your mouth grew dry as you shifted uncomfortably. You were thankful he responded but yet.. you now were the one at a loss for words.

"I'm suggesting that.. we should start dating. I cant keep doing this-" You started but Duncan made you ate your words as he interrupted you with a rough kiss.

You felt the world stop and almost turn into slow motion as you really started to melt into the kiss. You let your previous anxiety inducing thoughts melt away the longer you two kissed, as you focused on being present in the moment.

After Duncan slowly and begrudgingly pulled away from you, you two sat in silence for a couple seconds.

"So that's why your acting like this"? Duncan asked with a sly smirk.

You swore it was as if he already knew the answer, yet chose to ask you anyway just to be a smartass.

"So.. you actually want to date me?? Your know what your agreeing too, right"? You said, partially teasing and.. actually being serious.

"(Y/n), do you really think I would be talking to you this long if I had no interest in you? Of course I want to date you, what kind of question is that"?! Duncan retorted playfully with a quiet chuckle.

You grinned, letting out a shallow laugh with the realization that the biggest news still remained untold; a deep pit felt like it resided in your stomach.

You weren't quite out of the woods yet.

In order to help relieve your anxiety, you suddenly stood up off your bed. You paced around your room, running a hand shakily through your hair.

"I still have to tell you something". You admitted, your back turned to him.

There was no way you could even fathom making eye contact with him now. To your horror, you could hear your bed gently squeak as you could only guess as he stood up.

By the time you felt his hand on your shoulder, it was too late to even hear his footsteps. You jumped and turned around with a sharp inhale - to your surprise, nearly chest to chest with the main himself.

Duncan.

"What are you trying to hide for, hm"? He said teasingly.

He moved his face closer to yours; his lips *so* close to yours. The corner of your mouth upturned in a small closed mouth smile.

You uttered a quick, "I'm not". As you stole a quick kiss.

You anxiously took a few paces back. Taking a deep breath before whipping around and making eye contact on a sudden spurt of courage you felt.

"I'm pregnant, Duncan". You spoke.

You felt almost as if you were dreaming when you saw his reaction, he was fucking smiling. Was he actually fucking happy?!

You stood there frozen as he quickly approached you and gently held your waist. Before you could even comprehend or really even complain of what was happening - you felt him gently lift you up and give you a quick spin before landing you back down safely on your feet.

Duncans smile was infectious; before you knew it you were grinning and laughing along with him.

Any doubt you previously had immeadietly disintigrated and was replaced with hope and joy. You knew Duncan was going to make the best father, and that you two only had your lives ahead of you.

Taglist: @mina672 @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakewaterxx @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @beyond-repentance

#i hope i wrote duncan in character 😭#also let me know if u wanna be on the taglist!!#i wrote this about a week ago.. in the span of like 2 days lmao #ive litealy never wrote that fast EVER haha #also a fun fact: i 'probably' had covid when i wrote this dhdhd so.. if things dont make sense im blaming it on covid brain #duncan x reader #duncan shepherd x reader #hoc #house of cards #fanfiction #duncan shepherd #my fic #my works

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zuffer-weird-girl · 3 years

Text

Request: hi honey!! I apologize for my English, but I must tell you that you are my favorite blog!! you have an incredible writing style, reading each of your works I remain in awe, thank you so much for what you do!! if it's not too much, can I ask Kai to with a s/o who has asthma? it's like they're having a really big fight and he says something so offensive that it triggers an asthma attack? sorry if this is too much, you can ignore the request if you don't like it!

Man will treat you like a porcelain doll. He is hella scared of you having a asthma attack.

Expect that if you dont have that air pump with you he has at least two in his fucking pockets.

And usually he is a calm guy.

So you can expect that fights will be as rare as him willing to dirty his hands.

Yet eventually, arguments tend to happen.

Chisaki is very calm and stoic on arguments, not yelling really. What hurts is how actually calm he is about the issue and how cold and uncaring his words are.

Rarely he gets, well, like we saw him fighting with Mirio and the heroes.

But that doesn't mean it hurt any less.

So one day, the big fight happened.

It was over his own attitudes and plans for the Hassaikai, much like Pops you knew that he was a man whose always tended to go way too far.

And Kai instead of understanding that you were trying to calm him down and make him see that this was not a good idea, he understood he was being attacked.

So it began.

Change of harsh words between you and ocassionaly a curse here in there.

But Kai wasn't even thinking straight at the moment and accidentaly let something slip.

"You were suppose to be help and support me dearest." He said sarcastically the nickname with a sigh, ignoring the ocasional cough you let out now at then "Oh right, how can I even count with you for help since you cant actually even do even one task right, even breathing."

His words stung like a fucking knife perfuring your chest... but what you didn't expected was to suddenly start a coughing fit.. suddenly it was like you had lost control of your own body as you tried to kneel down to get at least a bit of air back in your lungs, as always, it felt like someone was squeezing the air out of you. And the more you tried to cough, breath, anything... you felt your lungs simply stop working.

Your vision was fading even... oh god..

He only sighed and rolled his eyes, hand still pinching his covered nose.

"What now? Dont pretend you're having a attack over something so insignificant as-" He hissed before his eyes widened.

He made a quick analysis and his own breathing seemed to stop at the moment, tightened neck and chest muscles, you couldn't even mutter a single word, your face was pale and sweaty and the worst was seing your lips turning into a blue shade as well as your fingernails which clenched both of your chest and the wooden floor as you desperately tried to get some air back in your body.

"Shit!" He cursed and kneeled on the floor to grab you, thankfully that his shout was loud enough to get attention of Chronostasis and Nemoto.

"What happened?"

"Call the 119 or a doctor, hell kidnap if that's the cas evit get A FUCKING DOCTOR HERE QUICK!" he shouted as both nodded and got out of the house like thunders.

He helped you up and looked at his office while his hands were unbuttoning your shirt to lose enough. He had to stay calm or else he knew he would make things way worse.

"Stay calm angel for me please.." he hissed when your coughing got worse and lifted his trembling palm to indicate you to wait as he went to grab the reliever inhaler... only to notice it wasn't there.

Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT-!

"Fuck! (Y/n) where is yours?!" He asked in desperation "Angel for the love of God just answer this one please!" He grabbed on your shoulders as you tried, really tried to get your words out.

Kn a state of panick he didn't even thought about forgeting one of them on his jacket so in a moment of bright he let out a gasp and ran towards his room grabbing the little device and returning as quickly as he could.

"Here." He knelt down and offered as your hands desperatly and harshly grabbed the reliever inhaler and finally you could get at least some air back as he shakily sighed.

"Thank God..." he lowered his head before both Nemoto and Kurono got in along with a doctor.

"Well, you did the right choice of giving (Y/n) the air puml in time or else you would have to take them to a hospital." The doctor spoke after doing a check up and using their quirk on you to make sure you were still all right.

He couldn't even complain about it... he was the main one that caused this.

You were still breathing in and out slowly as you answered with a dry throat the doctor's questions, Nemoto being kind enough to bring a cup of water for you as you shakily took in your hands. While he was up on his feet, crossed arms over his chest and looking at the ground.

After some time the doctor eventually leaves and both his subbordinates... leaving you two alone on the room as you evicted his gaze like a plague.

"..(Y/n).." he manage to speak but winced when he saw your shoulders tensing and how your grip on the cup tighten..

"What?" You asked, cold and so so distance of him...

He closed his eyes with a sigh uncrossing his arms to scratch the back of his neck.

Opening them again he could see you weren't looking at him, the door being the main focus of your attention now ... surely you wanted to leave at this point.

Hus pride was always something that spoke way too loud for gus own sake... but now? With you? After what he did and at first didn't even take you seriously?

He could give a damn about his pride. Or if the floor wasn't clean enough as he kneeled between your thighs and grabbed your hands on his as he supported his head on your and his hands... jaw clenched along with his teeth as he clenched close his golden eyes.

"Forgive me... forgive me..." he muttered in broken whispers as you finally looked down at him with a shocked expression... "It was all my fault, forgive me..."

You blinked at the scene, Chisaki would kneel down to someone only if hell freezed over but yet, there he was, not only kneeling and clenching on you like you were going to dissapear but also begging for forgiveness. Chisaki Kai was begging for you to forgive him...

You were still hurt sure but... that scene was way too shocking.

"Kai I-" you tried to take at least one of your hands out but he only clenched more... no sound coming from him yet you gasped at feeling a drop of something wet on your thighs.

"Dont pull away now..." came his shaken up voice "please... in one moment I almost lost the only good thing on my life so please... Don't... I judged you and offended you by your condition but..." he lifted up his head to show you red and broken golden eyes that were dropping one tear or two by each second... his face remained calm but still he only lifted his head, not his gaze to look at you directly.

He didn't deserve it.

"I was a hypocrite... myself couldn't even breath when I saw you on that way..." his grip on your hands tightened as be choked on a sob "I'm no deserving of you... yet I can't even fucking breath at the thought of lose you... especially because of me and my fucking... attitude." He brethed shakily as he shoulders shaked along as he dropped his head again.

You could take your hand away this time but to his shock, you placed on his hair as he widened his eyes at the feeling...

"Well... it may take a time for me to just forgive this.. but you know that it doesn't matter what you do..." more tears started to form at you scratching his scalp "I still love you..."

He 'tsked' to hide the painfull and choking sob that almost ripped out of his throat as he let his head fall in your lap as he holded one of your hands on his two gloved ones.

"Just try to at least listen and... take me seriously sometimes... be better not only for me but to yourself as well Kai..." you muttered while kissing his head as his grip tightened on your hands.

"H-How can I if I'm nothing but a demon with no heart...?" He whispered, hoping that only him could hear but he was wrong..

"You have a heart. If you love me this much to be in this way at the thought of losing me..." you lifted his head up and finally looked down at him with a kind smile "I'm sure you can do it.. I trust you wwith all my heart Kai."

He clenched his teeth together as he dropped his head in defeat, letting go of your hand to inappropriate hug your waist... it didn't matter if it felt uncomfortable... he just needed to proof to himself he hadn't ruined anything.

He could at least try be a better man for his angel... right?

#overhaul x reader #chisaki kai x reader #chisaki kai #overhaul #bnha x reader #bnha characters #bnha villains #bnha villains x reader #bnha fanfics #bnha fanfictions #zuffer writings

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fox-steward · 3 years

Note

hi. i hope you don't mind me asking this but i need some advice.

i was born female, and ive always been a tomboy, sometimes in the most stereotypical way. i was also a little lesbian who didn't know it yet. but after my younger sibling came out to me as trans, i started second guessing everything about myself.

for the sake of my sibling, who im closer to than anyone in my life, i learned about what theyre going through to support them and ended up getting taken in myself. i consumed all the yaoi and gay fanfiction they did, i read up on all the identities that were within the trans umbrella and eventually i started to think i wasnt a girl at all, but my infact a feminine transboy.

i never was able to transition on account of my family but the growing inner hate i felt for myself made me want to because deep down I knew that no matterr what i said or believed, id never be the cis gay boys i, essentially, fetishised and craved to be. it made me miserable, but i wanted to be accepted so badly that i stuck with it. but then i fou d your blog and others like it, and reading through it, whole reevaluating myself made me realise how misguided my mindset was.

despite realising that me being a tomboy is perfectly fine, i cant help but cling to that idea of being a boy, even though i have no idea what it means to "be a boy" or "feel like a boy". all i know is what the media portrays boys, feminine boys and gay boys to be like, and i clung to that idea for so long that i believed it to be my identity.

i just wanted to ask, if i can, how can i get over this mindset? i feel terrible because my younger sibling still identifies as trans without a shadow of a doubt, and my questioning of myself makes me feel awful, but i also feel bad because... i dont know who i am really now. how can i just be me again?

sorry this is long. any advice would be very very much appreciated.

it sounds like you’ve been through it, anon. whew! i just wanna acknowledge what a mindfuck you’ve been through, and it’s normal to feel no so great.

i actually think you’re grieving, strange as that sounds, but hear me out. being female is not easy, being a masculine woman comes with its own set of challenges, and imagining yourself as a “gay transboy” was an escape from all that. you could imagine a future for yourself where you grew up to be a gay man, not a gay woman. it’s worth noting relationships between men are the only sexual/romantic pairing that isn’t party to misogyny within the relationship itself.

it’s intoxicating to imagine we could have that ourselves, huh? it happened to me too, and i’m not even actually attracted to males at all, i was really just seduced by the idea of a relationship of equals.

but this. is. a. fantasy. one we as female people can never achieve.

so you’re grieving the vision you had for your future. your grief doesn’t care that the thing you promised yourself is impossible.

you’re undergoing another shift in the way you see yourself, the way you imagine yourself moving through the world. that’s hard, anon. being a tomboy, while absolutely lovely and perfectly fine, can be really difficult in our misogynistic society. it’s like that dworkin quote i’m about to butcher—something something absolutely excruciating to be fully aware of the misogyny all around us. you get the gist. and she’s right, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

so idk, i don’t have any specific advice, but i do know a lot about grief. with grief, you gotta accept you’re gonna feel shitty for a while and absolve yourself of the responsibility of ~fEeLiNg HaPpY~ for now. i’m being flippant because happiness is a mirage anyway. we get pricks of joy, moments of brightness or laughter, flow and contentment, enjoyment, pleasure, and these fill in between other moments of discomfort or monotony or tedium or malaise or or or. and if we’re lucky we are aware when the good stuff is happening, so that we can pause and say, gee this is nice. and if you get enough of then and you’re aware enough as they’re happening, perhaps you can tie it up in a bow of hindsight and call it contentment.

tangent, sorry. practically, keep yourself busy and tire yourself the fuck out, tbh. when my wife left, i started just going and doing things, anything i didn’t actively NOT want to do. dancing, concerts, art class, bike ride, walk a friends dog, cooking class, sit in a field and listen to music.

just do anything. i know it’s hard during covid, but it isn’t so much WHAT you do but THAT you do. take the field example—you have to travel there (that kills time!) and maybe you walk or bike (that is physical activity) then you do the thing you planned to do (takes more time) and you have to travel home (more time and activity) then you have completed something you set out to do (an achievement/free endorphins).

i also took up running when she left (tire myself the fuck out) and that changed so much for me. with grief, rumination and sleeplessness plagued me; running took both those out of the equation. so my sleep improved, i got stronger and my cardiovascular fitness improved, i ate better, i got to see myself improve and achieve goals, got to build an identity separate from who i was in my marriage. so i cannot recommend running enough.

and as for identity, finding out “who you are”—identity is a trap. don’t cement yourself to any one thing because everything changes. don’t define yourself by externalities, just be open and curious about your inner life, your qualities (which are also able to change btw) and start to strengthen the ones you like, like training a muscle. i practice (literally practice) kindness and discipline, which are important qualities for how i see myself. i also practice at compassion and i like how these things make me feel and how i show up in the world when i’m practicing at them. what qualities will you train in yourself?

you’re not defined in relation to your sibling, btw, and they aren’t defined in relation to you. you can question transness while still loving them.

you’re gonna be just fine, anon. you have plenty of time. grieve the future you can’t have, even though it’s truly for the best, and cultivate a person in yourself you’re excited to be. good luck.

#detrans #detransition #radfem #radical feminism #transgender #gender critical #ftm #asked #answered #anonymous #anon

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jamielea81 · 4 years

Text

If the World Was Ending

Summary: Based on the song If the World Was Ending by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels. Give it a listen! Some of the lyrics are used as the text messages between Chris and the reader.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: A little angsty and curse words.

Word Count: 1,350

A/N: Just a quick one shot I came up with while trying to get passed this writer’s block.

“If the world was ending, you’d come over right?”

The words etched into your brain for the better part of the day. Probably forever. The words stopping you in your tracks. Mug of coffee in your left hand, phone in your right. The phone pinged and flashed his name over the e-mail you had on your screen. Chris.

In the early morning hours of the day, a small earthquake struck, waking you from your sleep. You were fine as was your house. You spent the next hour texting those closest to you. This had to be what caused him to reach out.

It had been over a year since your phone had betrayed you with that name. A year. But who was counting? Oh yeah. You.

Work was busy, but it always was. That was your excuse for not addressing that nagging text. It was a good excuse. A sturdy, trustworthy excuse. He was an expert at excuses, so he couldn’t fault you. Not that you responded. You had three meetings; two down and one to go before you could even consider returning a text message from an old boyfriend. Friend. Acquaintance. Guy that broke your heart.

***

“We know you weren’t down for forever and it’s fine.”

Shaking your head at your response, you took another small sip from the whiskey in your glass. It wasn’t your favorite, but you’ve had that brown bottle for years and tonight seemed like the perfect time to indulge.

“We know we weren’t meant for each other and it’s fine,” you added.

You needed to stop. The two of you talking again wasn’t doing your heart any favors.

Chris was a friend of a friend. That’s how it started. While out to lunch with a client, your friend Ethan walked into the restaurant with Chris at his side. A firm handshake and an attractive smile had you swooning. Working for a management agency for athletes and those in the film industry meant you had more than Ethan in common. After that day, Chris seemed to be everywhere you were. Your agency didn’t represent him, so he wasn’t off limits.

It started with a dinner. And then another. A walk with Dodger. Then there was a party that you went to together.

The pinging of your phone brought you out of the memory. He didn’t make you wait all day for a response like you had.

“Remember that night of drinking? We stumbled out of the Lyft and didn’t make it past your kitchen.”

Apparently, you weren’t the only one reminiscing. Although he was ignoring your responses.

“It didn’t end in the kitchen,” you typed back.

You lost your favorite wine glass that night when he not so smoothly lifted you on to the countertop.

This back and forth wasn’t good for either of you. Especially not you. It’s been over a year and today he’s going down memory lane. You refilled your glass and took it outside, wrapped a throw blanket around your shoulders before sitting on the padded lounge chair.

“Did you feel it?”

The pain of him letting me go? The quake?

“I did,” you replied back.

Taking a large gulp from your glass, you leaned your head back, the alcohol finally allowing you to relax.

“But if the world was ending, you’d come over right? The sky would be falling and I’d hold you tight.”

Tipping the glass back, you swallowed it down. The alcohol temporally burning your throat and warming your stomach.

“We let the communication die out. I just figured out how to let you go.”

Alcohol made you too honest.

Chris had introduced to you his brother Scott, then his sister Carly. He met your mother and your sister. You were together. He worked a lot, so did you, but sleepovers and dinners on the couch were plentiful. Until they weren’t.

He started to call less. Returned texts a lot slower. Missed dates became more and more frequent. After a week without a word, you went over to his place. Knocking on his door, he answered and let you in with a kiss on your cheek.

“Where have you been?”

He continued to walk until you both arrived in his bedroom. A suitcase was on the floor and one at the end of his bed.

“I’ve been busy,” he replied while arranging some of the clothes already in the case.

“I can see that,” you said pointing at the open bag on the bed. “Going somewhere?”

Chris walked into his closet, coming back out with a few shirts in his hands.

“Heading to Massachusetts,” he replied, eyes focused on folding each shirt.

“Oh.” You took a breath in. “How long are you going to be gone?”

“I don’t know, maybe a month.”

He turned away again, this time going into the bathroom and coming back out with a small bag, placing it in the suitcase.

“A month? You weren’t going to tell me?”

He zipped up the bag and then turned to you. “I’m sure I did.”

You took a step closer to him. “You didn’t.”

Chris shook his head. “It’s not that big of a deal. I just need a break.”

Holding your breath, you willed the tears that stung your eyes to go away. “A break from L.A. or a break from us?”

“We’re not that serious. Stop.” He zipped the suitcase and set it on the ground.

“Could have fooled me,” you hissed before walking out the door and eventually each other’s lives.

“I messed up. When the quake hit, it was you who I thought of first. I know I have a lot to make up for. Would you let me try?”

Drinking probably wasn’t the best idea. Especially when Chris Evans was involved. You didn’t know what to say. He broke your heart. More like ripped it out.

Maybe it was rude or maybe it was just, but you didn’t reply. The alcohol made you dizzy and your emotions were all over the place. You went to sleep or at least you tried.

The midnight sky slowly turned to pink and orange. A small pang in your head made you regret drinking as you rubbed the sleep from your eyes. Chris’ text was still on your mind. But your heart still felt lost.

If the world was ending…

You couldn’t find your phone. Of course. It wasn’t charging. It wasn’t in your bed. It wasn’t in your handbag.

“Fuck!”

Not only did you have to be at work in an hour and traffic usually took that long, but you had a meeting to still prep for. You didn’t have time for this. Grabbing your bag, you dug out your keys and headed for the office sans phone. Chris would just need to wait.

You left work after lunch. Concentration was completely out the window. Your memory foam mattress was calling your name with the lack of sleep you had the night before.

After dropping your bag on your dinning room table, you made a quick stop on to your patio to grab the throw blanket you forgot out there last night. Picking up the blanket, you heard something heavy hit the cement.

“There’s the damn phone.”

Inspecting the damage, you thanked your lucky stars the screen didn’t crack. Ten missed calls and twelve missed texts wasn’t bad for a Thursday afternoon.

You scrolled through the texts stopping on a new message from Chris.

“I’m sorry. I hope one day we can talk and maybe move on. Together.”

Scanning through the other messages and replying to the ones that needed attention, you slowly made your way to the bedroom. You slipped out of your heels and shimmied out of your skirt, leaving the blouse on but changing into pajama shorts. You scrolled through last night’s messages with Chris, asking yourself if you heart could forgive.

“…When the quake hit, it was you who I thought of first.”

If you were honest, he was the first one you thought of to.

You clicked on the message to respond, watching the cursor blink several times before starting to type.

“Bring me dinner tonight.”

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#chris evans #chris evans x reader #chris evans reader insert #chris evans au #cevans #chris x reader #chris evans x y/n #chris evans x you

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incorrect-hs-quotes · 3 years

Note

what are some of mod dave's aus

uhh ok this is a fucking plethora

SO I HAVE!!

HUMANSTUCK - i just imagine this one by default,,, uhh john was definitely born in athens greece. terezis been chinese / korean this whole time idk what youre talking abou-,t-

DEMIGODSTUCK - i Know i have gone into detail about on this blog before. my favorite concepts from this one are greyro ace vitiligo aphrodite son karkat who doesnt feel like he fits in with his cabin cause they make fun of him for being “ugly” and “loveless” and then he comes around and completes a quest and becomes head counselor, and uhhh hephaestus dirk who has pyrokinesis and also loses an arm so now hes got a metal one he built himself

DONT LOOK DOWN - my greyromantic human-collegestuck 18kword banekat fic im writing which ive Also mentioned on this blog before

DEAD KIDS - this is based off a katie alender book called “the dead girls of hysteria hall” please read that book its fucking phenomenal dave is the one who inherited the asylum and all the homestuck girls are the ghosts trapped inside its made my friends cry before when i made them read it hal almost busted out his witch charm and warded me away cause of dead kids

DONT STARVE - where everyone lives in the 1920s and they get sucked into tim burton minecraft island hell and they all gotta survive there (handmaid is definitely charlie. it fucks aradia up cause she Knows. think like winona. she gets one free night without being consumed by the darkness itself cause Family Reasons)

MINECRAFT - this one is where a lot of people are like sentient humanoid half-creatures like sollux is half creeper half human and dont. uh. dont get him mad. also drowned eridan and feferi but theyre not dead or brainless they just be lookin like that. its cool !! you know !!!

MEDIEVALSTUCK - terezi is an oracle of the church except not anymore shes blasphemous and gets exiled and its her and a bunch of friends who are all like “wow the kingdom thought i was weird too lets all have an adventure together”!! examples: dave cant be a knight cause his eyes are red and that means hes the devil. sollux is a mage who specializes in death-related magic so obviously he brought upon this plague. rose is a lesbian thats not allowed also shes a WITCH. kanayas a vampire. shes just a vampire. she proposes to rose with a sword

EARTH INVASION - this is a no-sburb au where the alternian empire came and took over earth as a colony, also all the trolls exist at the same time as the revolution so like the whole vantas family gets to help out, and the humans are taken as like property cause theyre Technically Lowbloods but theyre Not having it so they all escape and join the rebellion and take down the GOVERNMENT

TROLLSTUCK - daves a mutantblood (same idea where all troll generations exist at the same time) and he finds the vantas rebellion and JADE is a LIMEBLOOD and she is NOT having a good time but shshhs shh its ok shes an olive its FINE

BLOOD / KIDSWAP - kanaya is the vantas and she thinks shes so clever cause shes posing as a bronzeblood. there IS sburb in this one. also dave egbert and john harley. love those boys. jade lalonde is a terrifying concept if she ever goes grimdark run away immediately

OPPOSITESTUCK - jade is the main character and she just wants everyone to shut the fuck up. this is also a sburb au and she hates her land its Too Loud. uhh rose is a being of chaos and exists in the void outside of spacetime itself. and john is a little bastard. tavros is now The Antichad. which is a valid ancestor name actually-

CYBERSTUCK - this one is really really specific, uhh its a post-apocalyptic dystopian cyberpunk futuristic humanstuck where the city everyone lives in once flourished with the help of several versions of androids, but as they advanced they needed more and more power which became fucking nuclear and there was a fallout. so now everythings radioactive, everyones scrounging to survive, androids from “the underground” (the main core of where most of specifically the power droids were kept) are SUPER fucking valuable cause theyre able to give you power, and the radioactivity mutated a lot of people so instead of zombies there are just mutants. and roxy is one of them but theyre still sentient so they look like fucking HEINOUSTUCK roxy but theyre still like. vibing

MAFIASTUCK - where everyone does Illegal Things but mostly not like morally illegal things. just like. yknow daves a thief and. sollux is the most wanted anonymous hacker in texas,, uh. dirk commits arson sometimes,. vriska is vriska,.. jane is in on some high key white collar crimes in the crockercorp company,, and poor john is just this normal idiot surrounded by all of this at college and hes like “god. i hate you all. please be normal”

MIRACULOUS LADYBUG - uhh john has a miraculous and its firefly themed and thats his name !! “firefly”!!! his Big Power is like “typhoon” or some shit he can make a big storm Go and serenity the firefly is his little fuckin uhhh Friend. the Miraculous Animal i forgot what it was called

YOUTUBERSTUCK - this ones based off unus annus p much where like theyre all youtubers and thats how they all met like john and dahnte (banes oc, ive also talked about dahnte) are unus annus and dave and sollux are like. good mythical morning and roxy is an asmr channel and kanaya is a makeup tutorial channel and jade has a vlog with her dog and its called doggy vloggies and eridan does all these science experiments and jane has a baking channel and nepeta ,, she just like. does, what she does and people like her. she doesnt have a genre. shes just nepeta on youtube. and shes a fucking hit. also dirk and jake make music

then like i obviously have concept aus that are pretty much just designs, like gemstuck where theyre all . ,, steven universe gems, and then rwbystuck where theyre all at beacon academy and have their own semblances, and a one piece au where theyre all pirates and some of them ate the Big Shit Fruits, and my own flavor of demonstuck cause who doesnt have a demonstuck, and stardew valley stuck (which i call starstuck valley) where a couple of them are farmers on their own respective farms and they all come together amidst the idiot villagers and go “hey did that wizard make you drink that leaf juice soup too or like is that just me”, and a survivalstuck where the whole premise is like. “the forest” kinda game. oh shit your plane went down and youre stranded in the woods. find your friends and survive. maybe dont get near those eight-armed women with no heads. thats a good idea

long story short i have. uh. a plethora

#not a quote #mod dave #long

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mingi-bubu · 2 years

Text

the uhhh band winner guy is performing the song he won with rn

given how deep his speaking voice is, i am so so shocked at how his falsetto can go so high like. damn good vocal training for him

v chill song but not my style

next songyeah i am. not a kballad/folk music person but his voice is nice. his guitar playing is also v nice! i would probably listen to him if he was on an autmn or spring playlist i think. OH HELL YEAH STRINGSE LETS GOOOOOOO

if i fall asleep, at least this rainbow song is a peaceful choice

OH1!! I KNOW WHAT HIS MUSIC REMINDS ME OF

like the 60s/70s classic rock genre. its super similar to stuff ive heard from that era. i would be interested in finding out if that’s where he draws his inspiration from bc to me at least i think it would make sense. his hair is pretty, ‘s just a side note aldkfj;sldkjf

yeah idrc about the voting since it’s all super fake anyways

LETS GOOOOO AOTY WHO IS IT WHO IS IT

i dont think theyre gonna tell us rn tho right? seems a bit early doors imo

oh damn 26k wow

bts right? it’s probably bts album no? butter or whatever it was?

oh they really are announcing aoty now wowowowow

hey add cho jungseok to my fancast bc him and xiumin could sooo be brothers in a show i would believe it

oooh he’s hospital playlist man! i like him!!!

i like that hes explaining how an album works. genuinely think that thats kinda hilarious

c’mon i wanna know the nominees bc i stayed away from all of that

aespa savage, bts be (that came out this year??), iu lilac, NCT 127 STICKER LETS GOOOOOOO, dreamies w/hot sauce

please god let it be sticker please i want it i want it i want it

sticker pleaseeee

it’s probably bts. yeah. not surprised. lmao arent they in the us or smth rn?

they arent even there to recieve the award.

limitless challenges?

oh. o h. h i m

jung jihoon. wow...

no livestream don’t freeze ur so sexy aha

what was reckless?? well. okay guess i’ll never know :/

is he just talking about the plague and how kpop became popular? i mean yeah thats AWW THATS CUTE!! idc idc i love it when the fans are thanked fight me about it

oh wow it was even overlooked in korea?? incredible how things occur

i ddon’t think i’ll ever understand fashion. the man is just covered in all pockets. like. cargo shorts but make it black.

oh cool another guy appeared. beanie boy and pocket man. love their vibes. hate how pocket man has to cover up so many tattoos like just leave it beeeee

oooh ring of fire thats fun!

oh my god i am so upset that i am falling asleep rn. last year my sleep habits were so fucked up i was totally fine but this year i decided to not be a fucking gremlin out of under a rock and now i’m facing the consequences

i really don’t pay attention to things huh. i had no idea some of these things existed. its cool that these shows have brought greater awareness to the genre in soukor

once again have no idea who these people are but they look like theyre having fun so thats good :D

my laptop is burning my legs D:

the irony in me biasing rappers in idol groups but not knowing a single person on the stage

i think my brother would really like this tho this seems like his style of music

oh pink shirt and leather jacket guy looks familar

lmaooooo their dances are so funny its really cute its exactly how i dance too adlf;kjs;dlj

oh a lady appears!!

shes really fucking good holy shit

i want to give her my hand in the marriage action

oh this sounds soooo 90s i love it

yeah i deffo have to show my lil bro this performance it really is a good way to point out the way hiphop and rap have evolved musically since all of the different artists have different styles

i am now wide awake again

wow they put a lot of effort into the lights here huh

NCT NCT NCT NCT NCJT;AJRWFAIH SHOTAROOOOOOOOO

a;lksdfjkasd haechannieee

SOOBIN ASL;DKFJAS GOD HE SO HOT FUCK

i do not see mingi and the mullet

awweehhh jeongin is s’cuteee

wANNNA ONEEE OMG OMGOMGOMGOJGAOSIDJFPAOWIE

I CANT BELIEVE IT OMGGG

ATEEZ????

doraemon san <333

wadskllfjsd his helmet matches his hair

MINGMGINGIMGINGIGMIGJGINGMIGNIGMIGNAIDFHAPIUWEHFPAUIGH MINGMIGNIGMIGNIMGINMGINGIII I AM KISSING HIM I AM ISSING HIM OH MY GOGIAHSDFPOIHE FAI LOVE HIM SO MCUH I LOVE HIM AKL;SDFJAWKEJFAOI FUCK

deadass i didnt process yunho in there until the end my bad sorry jiejie

adfkas;djf;ase yeosangie is sooo funnny he really said delete your fucking emails babes

thats uh.... certainly a meal that exists.

a;lsdfkjsldkfj they really said matz <3

mingmgmigmimgingiasdfiohe mingimingimingimingi thoughts only

oh commercial time alright i’ll catch you all when its back then

#mama 2021 #jae.txt #jae.wwm

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msmarvelwrites · 4 years

Text

The Winter Ghost - Part 11

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn’t and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: swearing, ptsd, fluff

W/c: 2.4 k

A/n: Wow, its been a week! I dont know about you but August is something else honestly! I hope you guys are enjoying the read and as always if you have any feedback, or youd just like to chat, hit me up! Thank you @cutie1365 for your help with this one!

It had been a whole week since you woke up in Shuri’s lab, but the fifteen minutes it took her to perform the final analysis felt like it droned on forever.

In the days that passed Wanda had come by your room the most. She had changed, but then again, so had you. Her eyes bare a worry that never seemed to go away, no matter how much you reassured her. It wasn't her fault. But even still, every time she saw you she tiptoed, afraid she’d set you off at any moment. You were used to this coming from Steve, but a tiny part of you broke at the thought of Wanda fearing you. She had always accepted you, no questions asked…

Nat would usually come for dinner, giving you the full breakdown of the day. Since waking up and remembering everything it was hard to trust the people around you, but she made it a little easier. She assured you that Sam wasn't angry, and that he had recovered with very minor injuries. You were thankful she didn't bring up your other opponent.

Then there was the Captain himself. You haven't really seen Steve much, but you heard him through the walls of your room. He visited his friend every day. He never actually went into his room, however. He would only stand outside and apologize over and over for something you could never make out.

On the fourth day, he spoke to you. You were half asleep, it was probably sometime past midnight when you heard his voice.

“No! Please NO!,” His voice woke you from your sleepy daze. “Y/n, please. I’m so sorry. I didn't know. I- I'm so sorry, I never…” The sound of your name on his lips caused a shiver to rush down your spine. His words came out breathy as he choked on a sob. It was clear to you he was having a nightmare. There was a part of you, albeit small, that wanted nothing more than to rush to him, and sooth his fears. But you didn't. You just listened while he screamed for you, unmoving. That's what he deserves, you thought, but you didn't believe it. Not fully.

“Okay, lets go over this again. What's your name?” Shuri rolled across the room on her chair scribbling something down on a tablet. You rolled your eyes, this had to be the fifth time she had asked you.

“Y/n L/n. Born in Philadelphia. Joined S.H.I.E.L.D after my family died in a fire. Moved to Jersey to be closer to work, met Agent Beson, got engaged, and then The Winter Soldier killed him… Did I miss anything?” You rattled off. Shuri only nodded, writing something down you couldn't see.

“You developed a super soldier serum that could absorb the powers of your opponent.” Shuri ‘reminded’ you.

“Right, how could I forget what got me into this shit show in the first place.” You scoffed.

“And you remember how you made it?” She asked.

“Yes… No… Maybe? I think with some time I could recreate it, but I’d need to run a few tests, get the ingredients at the corner store. The serum was created for me and me alone. In case it got into the wrong hands, I didn't want anyone else to be able to use it.” You shuttered at the memory burned into your mind. The wet cement room Hydra had locked you in for days, torturing you for answers you wouldn't dare give. “It’s flawed, obviously. It was never ready to be used. We were trying something new. I was never the best candidate for the serum, as it amplifies what's already within and in my case, was pretty fucked up already… Not to mention the nasty side effects.”

“And what would those be?” The small scientist spoke, now on the other side of the room pulling up a hologram of Dr. Erskine’s original serum from World War II.

“Psychosis mostly. But there was a chance it would enhance trauma or cause permanent brain damage… You know, the good stuff.” You chuckled but Shuri didn't look quite as enthused. “Look, I didn't say the serum was perfect. It was my first draft.”

“Hydra doesn't care about perfection. They want it, and they're going to do anything to get it.” Steve voiced from the doorway you only now realized he was standing in.

“You look like you're feeling better.” He said.

“Well, thank you Captain.” You saluted him in a mocking way that only made his jaw clench, “Here’s hoping you can say the same for your friend.” Your words dripping with sarcasm.

Steve's eyes went dark at that. He looked like he was going to rip you in half. Of course he couldn't, at least not with your homemade cocktail coursing through your veins.

“She’s not ready.” Steve barked refusing to make eye contact with you. You tried to play it cool, but if the Captain was the reason for you staying locked up in this lab for another day you were going to throw a full blown temper tantrum.

“She’s passed all psych evaluations, and seems to have control over her emotions.” Shuri aspoke matter of factly.

Damn right.

“I don't care about some evaluation. If I say she’s not ready-” That was it. It was, after all, pretty easy for you to lose your temper these days.

“You can't just keep me here!” You shouted, causing Steve's head to snap back in your direction.

“I can and I will. Until we are sure you're not a threat.” He seethed.

“Well, she’s not. And you're not in charge here. I am.” Shuri matched his tone, causing a small smirk to play on your lips. What a badass.

Steve only blinked at the small girl, unsure of what to say next. So she continued.

“She’ll be back in her room on the compound by the end of the day. If you don't like that, by all means leave. Wasn't that yours and Bucky’s plan after all?” Shuri snapped. This new information made you stiff. They were leaving? Both of them? You weren't sure why this made you feel nauseous, but it did.

“Yeah, like he’d ever leave without her.” He pointed an accusatory finger at you, causing you to imagine how satisfactory it would be to snap it off and shove it right up his tight-

“If you stay, you listen to me. You're not my captain here, Steve. Show me some respect.” Her voice was powerful. You weren't sure how a sixteen year old could hold herself with confidence, lord knows you were a mess at her age, but nevertheless, she did. And she did it with an unmatched grace.

Steve opened his mouth and then closed it, lost for words. Shuri held her stare, unwavering as she looked up at the 6 foot man. Seriously, what a badass.

“If she loses control, it's on you.” He all but shouted while Shuri only chuckled causing a rage to wash over Steves face.

“Actually, I think if she loses it again, it will be lost on you.” She looked at you while you nodded giggly. Steve shuttered at the idea, making you smile from ear to ear. With that, he stormed out of the lap. The two of you stared at each other before bursting out laughing.

“Did you see his face!? He looked like he was going to shit his pants!” You cackled, holding your stomach for some sort of relief.

“I don't think he’s used to being told no. Big baby.” She cooed, laughing to herself. “To be fair, you almost killed his best friend, so if I was on your bad side I might be worried too.” That shut you down. Steve was one thing, if he feared you, so be it. But you weren't dangerous. Okay, you had squashed Barnes like the bug he was, but that wasn't here nor there.

You signed. They had every right to fear you. You feared yourself at times. But the reappearing of your memories seemed to ease you, for now at least. Everything was back on the table. You knew who you were and you could finally see the whole picture.

“Okay, but seriously Y/n. We have to talk about a few things before I release you.” Shuri spoke, pulling her seat back up beside you. You attended to her newly serious tone and looked down at her from the bed. “Hydras after you. They need that serum, for who knows what. We have to know, can it be cloned while in your bloodstream? Is there anywhere else but that lab you blew up where they could get the blueprints to recreate it?” She asked.

“Nope and nope.” You popped the ‘P’ as you spoke. “Hydra can’t reacreat it without me, and that will never happen again, so they're screwed. I didn't tell anyone what I was working with, not even Tommy.” Your voice fell flat at the mention of his name.

“That's good. Steve’s going to want to hold a team meeting to brief everyone on what's going on and Natasha’s been chomping at the bit to get you back to training. You think you're up for that?” You only nodded, reassuring her.

“Just get me the fuck out of this damn lab. No offense but if I have to look at your face for another second I’m going to find out about that psychosis side effect.” Shuri giggled at that.

“You're free to go.” She gestured towards the door. Your eyes went wide, but she didn't have to tell you twice. In seconds you rushed out of the door and down the hallway towards your room.

As you passed through the kitchen, you noticed Nat sitting at the island eating breakfast. You waved and her face fell. Peaking around the corner you noticed why.

There, sitting on the large couch was, Bucky.

Fuck.

Bucky noticed Nat’s stiffness and turned to see what had her so nervous. That's when his eyes landed on you. All colour washed away from his face, leaving him pale. A ghost of who he once was. Before he could get up, you were gone, sprinting down the hallway. When you thought about seeing Bucky again you imagined feeling a million emotions. Murderous rage being one of them but this, this was not one of them.

When you were finally in your bedroom with the door locked, you allowed yourself to sob. Tears streamed down your face as relief washed over your body. You despised yourself for feeling anything but disgust for the man who had slaughtered any chance at happiness in your life. But, here you were, crying into your pillow like a heart broken teeager, because the man you loved wasn't dead. You wished with every fiber of yourself that he had been gunned down on that bridge, but there he sat, in the living room, steel blue eyes fixated on yours, heart still very much beating.

The loud knocking from the other side of your door was what ripped you back into reality and out of your all consuming thoughts. You closed your eyes, and tried to keep your sniffling quiet, hoping they would just leave. When another three knocks echoed through the room, you groaned, grabbing a pillow from your bed and rocketing through the air.

“I’m busy.” You shouted to the insufferable knocking.

“No you're not.” Sam’s voice shouted back. A smile pulled at the corner of your mouth at his mocking tone. After a moment of battling with yourself, you slugged off the bed and opened the door.

Sam smiled down at you, a small pink cut traced itself over the top of his brow down to just below his eye. By now it was almost healed, but you could tell it once was deep and raw.

“Did I do that?” You winced, gesturing to your face where his gash resided.

“Nothing I can't handle. Can I come in?” He asked.

You nodded, opening the door a little more and allowing him access. He looked around your room. What once was bare, now had boxes and bags filled with items that were important to you.

“So, how ya’ feelin’?” He asked, taking a seat on the reading chair next to your coffee table. You followed him, tentatively as you sat on the edge of your bed. You hadn't spoken directly to Sam in over a week, you weren't really sure if he still trusted you like before. Hell, you wouldn't blame him if he didnt.

“Nothing I can't handle.” You mirrored his response, causing him to chuckle softly.

“Guess were both pretty tough, huh?” He spoke, just over a deep whisper. You nodded your head once in response, feeling the awkward tension to hover in the room before it became hard to breathe.

“Sam, I-” You stated, but your voice broke.

“Hey, hey,” He started, crossing the room and in a second he was at your side, kneeling just below you, he took your hands in him. There was no hesitation, no fear in his eyes. He reassured you before placing a soft kiss on the back of your palm. “Dont. Just don't. It’s not your fault. I have every sense to blame that little witch, but it's not her fault either. I’m just glad you're okay, Y/n” He said.

You hadn't noticed the small tear that had escaped until Sam wiped it away, his warm skin seering into yours.

“Besides, I kicked your ass like, twenty to one. I’d say I still win this match.” That caused a small laugh to bubble out of your chest.

“Thank you, Sam.” he nodded, getting up and sitting next to you on the bed.

“You hungry?” he asked.

“Starving.”

“Lets go get some dinner.” He took your hand in his and stood, but you didn't budge. He looked back and raised a brow in question.

“I think I’m just going to eat in here… If that's okay?” You signed. Feeling like the old broken Y/n who was weak and pathetic.

“Great idea. I’ll bring you something. We can just hangout. I know for a fact Nat’s been dying to see you, care if she joins us?” He asked, eyes soft and full of understanding.

“Only if I can pick the movie we watch.” You said, a smile pulling at the corner of your mouth.

“Done deal.”

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A/n: Thank you for reading! Please, like if you like and reblog if you want to fule my ego! Honestly, thank your for just reading it... I feel like, yeah its lousy, but its really nice to write again. Sending you guys all some postive vibes this week <3

@kalesrebellion

@projectcampbell

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