#hey I’m back from my depression hiatus
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What do you need to hear right now?✨🪐🖤
Hi Everyone, I’m finally back from a long hiatus. Here is finally a new PAC reading from me 🖤
Note: Dear readers, kindly note that all readings are meant to be just a form of guidance and not actual advice from a medical professional.
Choose the pile that sparks a memory in you, be it a person/place/music/object etc. If more than 1 pile sparks a memory in you, pick the pile that makes you feel most strongly. If you feel strongly for both, you may go ahead and read more than 1 pile.
As this is a general reading, do take what resonates for you and take the remaining with a pinch of salt.
Note: photos are all taken by me
Tw: mentions of depression
Pile 1 | Pile 2
Pile 3 | Pile 4
Pile 1
4 of Swords
Knight of Swords (rx)
The Hanged Man
Death
10 of Pentacles (rx)
Hi Pile 1! Right off the bat, what you need most right now is to rest, especially your mind. You have all sorts of thoughts running through your head right now and it’s starting to wear you down. It’ll be great if you can take a break from everything for a few days and meditate and clear your mind off whatever that is troubling you.
Another thing I’m hearing is that you need to take it easier and go with the flow. Once you’re less tense, you’ll be able to see new things flow into your life. You’ll also be able to see from perspectives that you have not been able to before and it will be a self-awakening moment for you.
If you do not take this much needed rest, I see you feeling more miserable and stressed than before. So do take a bit of time off for yourself
Pile 2
Death
Ace of Cups (rx)
The Magician (rx)
10 of Pentacles (rx)
6 of Swords
Dear Pile 2, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way now. I feel that most of you in Pile 2 are feeling rather down right now. You may feel like your mental space is tilt off balance or feel like you’re drowning in a pool and unable to gasp for air. Some of you may be diagnosed with depression. Most of you feel like you’re unable to see the end of the tunnel and you’re just walking blindly in the dark. (Please seek help if you need to).
My advice for you Pile 2, is to start a new journey. I feel that being in the “now” and following your usual routine is just making you get stuck in a loop of helplessness.
I hear that going for a cruise would really help with your mental space a lot. I hope you can step out of room and let yourself explore the world a little to find yourself again.
Pile 3
Knight of Cups
The High Priestess
2 of Swords
Temperance (rx)
3 of Swords (rx)
Hello Pile 3, what I think you need to hear most right now is to make up your mind. You’ve recently heard a message about something that needs you to make a decision. Deep down, you already know the choice you’re going to make. However, I still see you sitting on the fence about it and giving yourself headaches over it.
Whatever the outcome is from that choice, there’s bound to be people happy or unhappy about it. You can’t please everyone. Gather some courage and make the choice anyway. I think some of you in Pile 3 are leaders as well. Bravely make the choice like a leader would. No matter who this affects, those that are truly on your side will stand by you. Those who don’t, you know you don’t need them anyway.
It may be tough and set you off balance initially, but you’ll can sieve away the ‘fake’ people in your life. And, isn’t it better this way?
Pile 4
6 of Wands
6 of Pentacles
King of Swords
Page of Pentacles (rx)
Page of Swords
Hey Pile 4, welcome to your reading. Half of you here may have just received good news and the other half are waiting to hear the good news.
However, what I hear is that you have to remain vigilant and cautious despite the good things rolling into your. There is plenty of peace and harmony coming in with the gifts that you have been waiting for.
Despite the good things, you need to be careful of some who are jealous of you. Be smart about how you reveal it as well! If it's not handled tactfully, it may cause rumours that make people view you negatively. When handled carefully and humbly, it will be clear for everyone that instead of bragging, you are simply spreading good news. That way, people who are envious will not be able to drag your reputation through the mud.
#tarot#pick a card#pick a card reading#rider waite tarot#tarot reading#pick a pile#pick a picture#sky#divination#sunset
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Are you able to write about poly lost boys x male reader who has bipolar? Maybe he's going through a depressive episode or something?
I’m here
An:Hello my lovelies! I’m back after my sudden hiatus, I am sorry this took me so long but life had gotten pretty hectic, all good things I promise! Anyways I do hope you like it! ❤️
Warning: Bipolar!Reader, Male pronouns used, poor mental health, Suicidal thoughts, Swearing.
It was hard to pinpoint an exact reason why my body suddenly refused to move, and yet my mind was racing. That voice that was usually in the back of my mind now took up all of my brain, telling me I wasn’t good enough,that I should just wither away because everyone hates me.
The stress was the worst part, making me feel ashamed for having emotions,that maybe I wouldn’t be feeling like this if I wasn’t so weak…if I were stronger I would be happy.
The blankets felt suffocating around me, but I felt nauseous of the idea of building up the energy to kick them off. Looking up with heavy eyes I saw my clock flashing ‘8:50’ which meant my boys were probably already at the boardwalk waiting for me while I laid here being useless.
That voice spoke louder,they were better off without me dragging them down, they would have more fun now that they didn’t have to worry about me.
Tears filled my eyes as I hugged my stuffed bear tighter, it was a gift from David after he had caught me staring at it and the next day I woke up to it sitting on my bedside table staring at me.
Of course the stoic leader denied having any idea of what I was talking about when I thanked him, but I could see the way his beautiful blue eyes softened when he thought I wasn’t looking.
It still smelled like them, to the point where I was pretty sure they each rubbed their scent on it just so I would end up smelling like them.
That thought brought a small hint of a smile to my face, I really missed them...
A sudden knock on the window beside my bed made me jump, "Babe? You sleeping?" Marko...
"Come on Doll, we know you're awake." David said sliding the window up and slipping inside, they didn't need permission to enter, I gave it to them so long ago that they just waltzed right in whenever they wanted.
"Aww look at our mate wrapped up like a cute little burrito!" Paul cooed hopping in and laying down behind me, I didn't bother moving over since he was just going to tangle himself around me anyways.
He had no idea how much comfort such a simple act brought me right now, the pressure helping to keep me grounded and not get lost in my spiraling mentality.
"Hey Baby boy, we missed you at the boardwalk. Are you feeling sick?" Dwayne's concerned eyes stared into mine as he knelt down beside the bed, reaching up to brush my matted hair out of my face.
"Physically yes..." David sat on his designated chair at my desk, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.
"Is it happening again? Doll you should have called Max, he would have told us earlier so you didn't have to be alone." David scolded lightly, knowing I wasn't exactly thinking rationally when I was like this.
"I didn't want to bother anyone, I shouldn't need a babysitter anytime I feel a little sad." I huffed forcing myself to sit up, Paul fallowed and brought me back into his chest as he gently hugged me.
"Baby, this isn't just you being a little sad. We love you and want to be here for you, what kind of mates would we be if we can't help you with these kinds of things." Marko sat on the bed and took one of my hands, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles in soothing circles.
Despite how soft they were being with me I just felt so angry, defeated. I didn’t know how much longer I could deal with this stupid disorder.
“I love you guys too…I just wish I didn’t feel like this! I don’t even remember what triggered it this time…” I hadn’t even realized I was crying until Dwayne was wiping the tears off my cheeks.
“It’s okay to be upset my handsome prince, Your feelings are completely valid. But bottling it all up isn’t healthy,you’ll only end up hurting yourself. That’s why we want you to rely on us too.” The others voiced their agreements and I looked up as David approached and cupped my chin,making me shiver from the intensity of those striking blue eyes of his.
“You’re not going to scare us away,if that’s what you’re afraid of. We are immortal vampires who kill to survive, you being Bipolar isn’t going to make us change the fact that we love you more than you’ll ever know. We have killed for you,Ripped bastards apart for even looking at you the wrong way.” He said leaned down until our faces were inches apart.
“Isn’t that enough to prove our complete and utter devotion to you?” My breath hitched in my throat and he smirked when he heard my heart skip a beat.
“Such a romantic Davey.” Paul teased earning a smack up the head from Marko for ruining the moment,”Shut up Paul.”
They started arguing but stopped once hearing the quiet chuckle that passed my lips as i tiredly rubbed at my cheeks, “I love you guys, I’m so-“ ,”(Y/n), if the next two words out of you mouth are ‘I’m sorry’ I will smack you.” Dwayne warned successfully shutting me up.
“You have nothing to apologize for babe, You’re allowed to have emotions. And yea sometimes they really suck ass, but you’re not alone.” Paul cooed cuddling into me and pressing a kiss on my neck.
Marko moved to press a kiss to my cheek and sat back with a smile,“He’s right love, you’re stuck with us.” A teasing smile tugged at my lips and I playfully rolled my eyes, “Lucky me…”
The terror twins immediately tackled me back into bed, with feral grins and merciless fingers that tickled all the spots they knew by heart.
Dwayne and David stood off to the side, smiling at the three of us softly. They were happy to hear my laughter, no matter how far into my own head I got they would always be there to bring me back or offer a listening ear.
Because we were family, one big messy family.
#the lost boys 1987#the lost boys x reader#the lost boys imagines#david tlb#dwayne tlb#marko tlb#paul tlb#tlb 1987#the lost boys#male!reader#the lost boys x male!reader
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Hiiiii there! I really liked your Meltdown one shot! It made me think about Save My Life and if you wanted could you write something about that song? I had an idea but you don't have to do it. But what if Niall is having a hard time after 1D break up and when he meets y/n she basically gives him the motivation and encouragement to write his own songs and have a solo career?? Only if you want to do that or even write it.
Thank you so much lovely!!! That means so much!!!🥹 I hope this is everything you hoped for! I do try when writing for this precious baby.
Save My Life
Niall Horan x Reader
Summary- Niall was depressed. He was lacking motivation and he wasn’t sure what to do anymore. But one day, he meets someone who just might save him.
(Wrote this in Niall’s pov so I hope it’s okay!)
Niall’s POV
January 2016, London
It had been a long couple months since we agreed to take a hiatus, and the boys all got to work on their own thing. But me? I don’t even know where to start… It came so easy to me before and now? I can’t even think.
I decided to get out for a bit, and visit a new pub Harry had been telling me about. I decide to take a walk there, needing the fresh air after being trapped inside in an attempt to write.
I enter the almost empty pub and I’m greeted by the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She smiles at me and my stomach fills with butterflies, something that hasn’t happened in a very long time.
“Hey! What can I get for you?”
I smile and take a seat across from her at the bar.
“Just a pint of Guinness, please.”
She smiles and makes it quickly before she slides it over to me.
“Would you like to start a tab?”
I think about it for a second before nodding.
“Yeah I think so. But shouldn’t you check my ID?”
She giggles and shakes her head before giving me a smile.
“No need. I know who you are, Niall. I know you’re old enough. But not like in a bad way because you’re not old-I mean not that I have a problem with older people but…Sorry I’m just rambling now.”
I laugh and shake my head.
“No worries. I appreciate it. What was your name? I don’t think I caught it.”
She smiles and her eyes glow in the light.
“That would be because I never gave it to you. It’s Y/N.”
I tilt a pretend hat and she lets out another beautiful laugh.
“So what’s a girl like you doing working here, Y/N?”
She dries another glass as she looks back at me.
“Just putting myself through school. Going to school overseas isn’t cheap and I’ve got aspirations in life. What about you, Mr. Pop star? Surely you’ve got plenty going on but yet you’re in a bar by yourself on a Wednesday night.”
I let out a sigh and I grip my glass with both hands.
“I guess it’s just been hard since the band went on hiatus. The boys are starting to all branch out and do their own things and I… don’t know. I’ve got so much pent up creativity and no idea how to get it out.”
She nods and puts her rag down before she leans on her elbows and looks at me.
“So you’re in a creative funk and you’re unsure if you can actually do it? Here’s my advice. Don’t compare yourself to others. You’re your own person, Niall. Not Harry, not Louis, you’re Niall. And that is enough. Do what feels right.”
I smile a little and nod.
“Are you in school to be a therapist, Y/N? You’d make a great one.”
She laughs and shakes her head.
“Actually, I want to be a writer. But for now, bartending keeps a roof over my head. I’m glad to be of help though. Got some inspiration ?”
I nod with a big smile. I finish my drink and slide a few pounds to her.
“Thanks Y/N. I think I should get to it before I lose the lightbulb!”
She nods and waves. Her smile is the last thing I see before I turn my back to her and I’m out the door, heading home.
October 19th, 2017
I storm into the pub, as usual, but this time, I’m not as calm as I usually am.
“Y/N! Y/N, you have to help me! I’m freaking out!”
She raises a brow and sets down her rag as I walk up to the counter.
“Niall? What’s wrong? Why do you look so upset? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your listening party?”
I shake my head and place my hands on the counter,
“I can’t. I’m freaking out! They’re gonna hate it! I’m gonna fail and it’s-.”
She places her hands on my shoulders and it grabs my attention.
“Calm down. You’re gonna do great! Your music is so unique, Niall. No one could be like you. You are one of a kind, Niall Horan. Your fans are going to love your album just as much as they love you. So don’t worry, okay? It’ll be great.”
I let out a sigh and I give her a small smile.
“Would you… Would you come with me? I- I really want you to be there…”
Her eyes widen and her mouth drops.
“A-Are you sure? I don’t want to impose-.”
I smile and shake my head.
“I want you there, Y/N. You’re my friend. Of course I want you there!”
She sighs and I smile, pulling her around the pub and out the door before she can argue.
>>>———————->
August 2018
I’m finally home from tour, or at least back in London, and the first place I go is the pub. As soon as I walk in, Y/N’s eyes train on me immediately. Her eyes light up and she runs through the empty room and pounces on me, hugging me tight.
“Niall! Oh my god! You’re back!”
I smile and nod, hugging her right before pulling away.
“I missed you, Y/N. I really did. Talking on the phone wasn’t enough…”
She looks at me confused and I let out a sigh.
“Y/N… I have feelings for you. I’ve never felt this way before… With anyone. I-I think I love you. A-And I understand if you don’t feel the same but-.”
Before I can say anything else, she cuts me off and surprised me with a kiss. I melt into her touch, pulling her closer to me as our lips move in sync until she finally pulls away with a smile.
“I love you, Niall. I feel the exact same.”
I hug her tight and hold her close, afraid to let go.
>>>——————->
March 22nd, 2020
I hear the front door open as I slump on the couch in the living room of my London home. Y/N comes in, a worried expression on her face.
“Niall…”
I hold my arms open to her and she climbs in my lap, laying her head on my chest. She lays her legs across my lap and I instinctively wrap my arms around her.
“They had to let me go… A-And your album! You were gonna tour with Lewis! A-And now-.”
I let out a small fry as I hold her close, running my fingers through her hair.
“I-I know, Petal. But it’ll be okay… I hope… You’ll move in with me. We’ll quarantine together. That way you can focus on school and you won’t have to look for another job. Okay? Does… Does that sound okay?”
She’s quiet for a minute before she nods against my chest. Things were rough, but at least I had her.
>>>——————->
June 2020
I sit at the piano, agonizingly as I attempt to be productive. Quiet patter of feet echos through the house until I feel someone sit next to me on the bench. Y/N. I turn my attention to her and she runs her fingers through my hair.
“You okay? I could hear you dropping f bombs all the way from our room.”
I sigh and shake my head.
“I-I’m frustrated, Y/N. I’m tired of this… I didn’t get to tour and I just- I don’t know… The most I can do is go live on Instagram… that’s not exactly a concert…”
She kisses my cheek and I sigh again.
“You’ll be able to put in your show, I promise. You’re doing what you can right now and that’s all we can do, babe. It’ll come to you. But you don’t have to do it alone. I’ll be here. Every step.”
I smile and peck her lips.
“I think you saved my life, Y/N. And you do every day.”
She pecks my lips a few times and loops an arm through mine.
“And you saved mine.”
The next day
I find myself back at the piano and for the first time since lockdown started… I feel inspired. Extremely inspired. I want to write a show.
>>>————————->
January 2023
“Please Niall? You said you finished it! I want to listen! I love your music! You know I do!”
I laugh and shake my head as Y/N clings to me with a pout.
“I’m sorry Petal, but I can’t do that. You’ll just have to wait like everyone else.”
She puts more and lets me go, folding her arms across her chest as she slumps on our bed.
“I should write a column on boyfriends keeping secrets from their girlfriends. I’ll get a lot of hits since YOU’RE KEEPING IT A SECRET FROM ME.”
I laugh and shake my head as I take my place next to her on the bed, taking her hand in mine.
“I promise, it will be worth the wait. Can you do that for me, Y/N? Just hold on a little longer. 5 months then it’s all yours.”
She sighs and squeezes my hand, giving me a small smile.
>>>———————->
June 9th, 2023
“Niall, please? It’s the release day! I just want to listen to it! I’ve only heard the bits you’ve teased!”
I laugh and shake my head, taking a seat next to her on the couch as I pull an AirPod out of the case and I place it in her ear.
“You can listen but I want you to listen to this one first. This album… I’m so proud of this one. This is everything I’ve ever wanted to make. And it’s all thanks to you. This is save my life.”
I hit play on my phone and she smiles as it begins to play.
Eyes are bloomin'
The floor is shakin'
Walls are movin'
Feelings changin' now
So, I'm rolling through it
Like I'm floatin' ten feet above the ground
As you float up to me
I just gotta tell you now
Ever since you walked in
I'm seein' a new light
Ever since you walked in
It's startin' to feel like
You might save my life
She tears up as she listens and before it’s over, I pull out the AirPod, much to her protest.
“Niall! I was-.”
I pull her into my arms and place my lips on hers, pecking her lips a few times before I whisper to her.
“You saved my life.”
She smiles and pecks my lips, cuddling up in my arms. I was lost before I met her. But she saved my life.
>>>—————————->
I hope that was okay! Thank you for requesting!!!! Please like and reblog! Let me know what you thought!
Please fill free to check out the rest of my writing!
Tag List
Those I couldn’t tag are in red!
@be-with-me-so-happily @swiftmendeshoran @babyiamperfectforyou @freedomfireflies
@kaminokatie @harrysmimi
@violetsandfluff @fruitmans @fruitmansrecs @strwbrrydaydreams
@rafaaoli @kimmi-kat
@cayleyhannha-blog @acesofspadess
@that-mcu-fan @styles-barnes-bitch
@purple9950
#niall horan#fanfiction#wattpad#niall james horan#niall horan fanfiction#niall horan x you#niall horan the show#niall horan x y/n#niall horan fluff#niall horan x reader#niall horan fic#niall imagine#nialler#niall fanfic#solo niall#niall 1d#niall the show#niall
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(TLDR: I’m depressed that Jaiden is gone and now it feels like a huge chunk of my enjoyment of the server is gone. I completely respect ccJaiden’s decision to leave and am happy that the stream where I found her playing Qsmp led me to find such an amazing fandom and such a talented creator who I want to still watch in the future (seriously though, I would not have found her incredible animations if it wasn’t for that stream). I will probably be taking a hiatus from Qsmp though because now such a huge part of my experience is now gone and I realized how I’ve been prioritizing this over real life which has been damaging my mental health. I don’t know if I will return to the fandom or not (I probably will because I am way too addicted but it depends what life shows) but if I don’t, thank you Qsmp for allowing me to be part of such a great experience :D)
… just heard the news that ccJaiden is leaving the project and that qJaiden is dead…
I hope that ccJaiden feels better, I know how overwhelming Qsmp can get and I respect her choice to leave very much…
But… is it okay if I just feel very depressed now? Jaiden is who got me into QSMP, she has been my main for months and I loved her and her content and was planning to make so many animatic, arts, and fics about her (in fact she was one of my biggest driving motivators for it). She was truly such an amazing character. I loved her lore, I loved her personality, I loved Bubbleduo, I loved the Jaidens, I loved the idea of her and Empanada meeting… I just loved her character… she and her streams helped me feel better a lot… it’s the main reason why I’m still in the fandom… but now… with her gone I actually just feel like a huge chunk of my love for it has been ripped out, and I’m just sad. I’m sad that we lost her and everything that could have been in qJaiden’s future…
But hey! If it weren’t for me discovering her through a Qsmp stream that was recommended to me, I probably wouldn’t have become a fan of ccJaiden’s animations and probably wouldn’t even know about such an amazing creator! I’m happy that ccJaiden was able to be apart of this server and that now she will be able to do more stuff that she loves and doesn’t overwhelm her.
But as for me… I might take a hiatus from Qsmp for a bit…
If you look at my posts you probably knew how much I love Jaiden’s character and how she is probably my favorite thing about the server besides Gegg but he’s gone too…
There is a part of me begging me to not leave this fandom. I’m still in love with so many other characters’ stories like Tina, Tubbo, Phil, Bagi, etc.. But there has been so many times that situations and other events also just overwhelmed me and made me detached from real life and now with one of the main strings keeping me attached to the server gone… I don’t know if I want to still stay or not, so I think a hiatus would be good for me to just think things through.
Qsmp is truly such an amazing experience and like Jaiden said, Quackity has done so much and made something so very cool, but I think I just need some time away from it. Get back to real life again you know? I will probably be back, I’m way too addicted to these Minecraft cubitos leave, but in case I don’t… it’s been amazing to meet you guys and thank you for letting me be apart of this experience, it was incredible :)
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hey hey steph! good morning or afternoon, wherever you are . just seeing if you have any fic lists that center mainly around sherlock’s time away/sherl in serbia?
Hey Nonny!
Ah, I have made a community post here before called Aftermath of Serbia / Serbia Fics (Dec 2022) that have several fics on it that you may enjoy, as well as some fics on my blog tag here that has some other fics not on the above Community post. AND I also have some similar lists linked below!
I went through my bookmarks and my MFL lists, and did a keyword search and organized them below, so I hope this satisfies the need!
And these aren't meant to be confused with Post-S2 fics! These are fics that deal SPECIFICALLY with Sherlock's time away and the trauma it caused! If you have a fic that fits that bill, please add it! This is a list that's been long-time coming, since I've been asked a lot for them :)
SERBIA / AFTERMATH OF HIATUS FICS
See also:
John Finds Out About Hiatus
John Joins Sherlock During Hiatus
Sherlock Returns from Hiatus Injured
Sherlock’s PTSD
The Death of Doubt by Gingerhermit (E, 6,584 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate Canon, BAMF John, POV Sherlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Hurt/Comfort, Angst/Drama, Meddling Mycroft) – Mycroft asks for John’s help in rescuing Sherlock from his Serbian captors.
Both Sides Now by Silvergirl (M, 14,724 w., 5 Ch. || Post-TEH / Reunion Fix-It, Bed Sharing, First Kiss / Time, Undercover John, Couple for a Case, Assassin Mary, Big Brother Mycroft, Norfolk Coast, Angry John, First Kiss, Worried Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Alternating POV, Infidelity, Meddling Mycroft, Emotional Love Making, Matchmaker Mycroft) – Sherlock, undercover on the Norfolk coast, texts that he needs help; John is still seething after Sherlock’s gambit in the train car, and he refuses. When Sherlock goes missing, Mycroft sends John in to pose as Sherlock’s bit on the side.
Your Perfect Offering by CaitlinFairchild (E, 44,609 w., 6 Ch. || Hurt / Comfort, First Time, Romance, Angst With Happy Ending, Rape Recovery, Oral Sex, Hand Jobs, Past Rape/Non-con, Psychological Trauma) – “Sherlock,” John continues, careful and quiet. “I’ve seen your back. I know you were hurt. I don’t want to pry, I don’t want to cause you discomfort but...I’m starting to think something else happened there. In Serbia. ”Sherlock rolls away and sits up on the edge of the bed, his back to John. “A great many things happened in Serbia,” he says, flat and remote. “None of them were pleasant.”
Winter’s Storm by LoloLolly (M, 51,812 w., 11 Ch. || Canon Compliant Through TFP/S4 Is Canon, Alternating POV, Established / New Relationship, Parentlock with Rosie, Explicit Torture, Mentions of Sherlock’s PTSD, Mentions of Human Trafficking, References to Child Abuse, Violence, Kidnapping, Captivity, Angst with Happy Ending, Fluff, Case Fic, BAMF / Soldier John, Sherlock Whump, Mycroft and John Work Together, Marriage Proposal, Autistic Sherlock, Lestrade Finds Out, Polyglot Sherlock, Aftermath of Serbia) – Sherlock had buried the past. Shut Serbia away in the attic of his mind palace. Muddy footprints at a heinous crime scene, however, have led him right back to old enemies. And right back to captivity. For God’s sake, Mycroft. Part 2 of the Earthly Pomp (Is But a Dream) series
Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.
MARKED FOR LATER
And one day you'll see the scars by thepurplewombat (T, 1,550 w., 1 Ch. || Post TEH, Aftermath of Torture, Angry John, Scars, Sherlock Whump) – songofages and I had a conversation about Sherlock's back in TEH, because really, how much must it have hurt to let John slam him into the floor like that after everything he'd gone through, and this happened. It turned out more angsty than I'd intended, and more Mrs Hudson-focussed, but I don't think you can ever have too much angst, or too much Mrs Hudson, for that matter.
English as a Foreign Language by standbygo (G, 1,739 w., 2 Ch. || Post-TRF, PTSD Sherlock, Reunion) – Sherlock is not quite right after Mycroft pulls him out of Serbia.
He Is Different, This One by ASilvergirl (G, 2,691 w., 1 Ch. || TEH Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, Serbia, Neuroatypical/Autistic Sherlock, Snarky Sherlock, Big Brother Mycroft, Pining Sherlock) – How would the Serbian "interrogation" go if his captors knew that Sherlock was neuroatypical and had synaesthesia? This is an alternate version of the scene from "The Empty Hearse."
Wounded by Gregorovitch (T, 3,309 w., 1 Ch. || TEH Fic, Aftermath of Violence, Awkward Conversations, Sherlock’s Scars, Angst with Happy Ending) – John accidentally gets to see all of Sherlock's wounds after the Fall. Time for both of them to have a serious talk.
By the Rivers of Babylon by verdant_fire (T, 3,359 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post HLV Canon Divergence, Love Declarations, Exile, Pining Sherlock, Longing, Angst, POV Sherlock, Reunions, First Kiss) – Sherlock goes back to Serbia, and endures exile, boredom/torture, and a certain chemical defect, for the sake of one person and three improbable words.
Maybe I'am amazed by honeybee_motorcyles (T, 3,448+ w., 3/7 Ch. || WIP || Post TRF, Implied Rape/Non Con, Sherlock’s Not Okay, Implied/Referenced Torture, Implied Sexual Content, HIV/AIDS, POV John) – In which what happened to Sherlock in Serbia had a consequence that lasted a lifetime, (literally).
Places in the Mind by Calais_Reno (T, 4,411 w., 1 Ch. || Post HLV, POV First Person Sherlock, BAMF John, Hurt Sherlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Memory Loss, Pining, Heavy Angst, Regret, Hurt/Comfort, Rescue, Protective John, Love Confessions, Drugs) – John rescues Sherlock in Serbia after he is wounded. This takes place after the Tarmac scene. Part 7 of Just Johnlock
The Great Escape by Castiel_For_King (M, 22,299 w., 8 Ch. || PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is Not Okay, Unstable Sherlock, Aftermath of Torture, Flashbacks, Protective John, Dissociation, Suicide Attempt, Big Brother Mycroft, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss) – Sherlock's mind has ruptured...and he didn't even notice until it was spilling it's contents like a broken jello mold. The lines between what he thought was real and what he wished was real start to unravel and Sherlock finds himself trapped in the clutches of his own broken mind, with no way to escape. Luckily, he has his conductor of light to lead him out of the darkness.
Learn My Scars by meet_me_in_samarra (M, 38,075 w., 31 Ch. || Post-TRF, TEH Divergence, Aftermath of Serbia, Sherlock Whump, Caring John, Sherlock-centric, Big Brother Mycroft, POV First Person Sherlock, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Injuries / Scars) – After being thrown down and strangled, Sherlock leaves John in the restaurant, angry and deeply hurt. When John follows Sherlock to 221b, he learns that Sherlock's scars have not been acquired by “gallivanting around” for two years.
An Aftertaste Of Memory by Raithwithwings57 (M, 39,009+ w., 20/? Ch. || Post TRF, Rosie is in this Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with Happy Ending, Amnesia (Sherlock), Torture, Scars, PTSD, Divorced John, Divorced Lestrade, Misunderstandings) – Sherlock Holmes was believed by most to have died by jumping to his death. A few people, Mycroft Holmes included believed he died in somewhere in Serbia, tortured to death, though his body was never found. Sherlock Holmes himself doesn't believe either of the above, obviously. After being extensively tortured in Serbia, he suffered a traumatic brain injury that left him with amnesia, and deafness. But the doctors say that the deafness is psychological in nature. It doesn't matter much to him. All he knows is that his name is William, and that he was once (and it seems he always will be) in love with a man by the name of John Watson. John has suffered much in the last eight years. Losing his best friend to suicide, marrying and then later being divorced by his wife, battling for joint custody of his child, and generally trying to forge ahead and figure out what the seemingly bleak future holds in store for him. But what he could never expect is Sherlock's sudden return. Nor the man's conviction that once upon a time they were madly in love.
Not the King's Men by StoneWingedAngel (T, 56,183 w., 25 Ch. || Aftermath of Torture, Swearing) – John finds Sherlock three years after he thought he'd buried him, scared and injured; broken to such an extent he can barely recognise those trying to help him. Battling against too many unanswered questions and his own feelings, John sets out to put him back together, but never stops to consider Sherlock's return may be part of a greater punishment in store for the both of them.
Flesh and Blood and Bone and Heart by SilentAuror (E, 59,990 w., 3 Ch. || Post S3/TAB Fix It, Romance, Terrorism, Bombs, Suspense, Kissing, Indfidelity, Murder, POV John) – As John takes Sherlock back to Baker Street rather than seeing him off to his mission in Serbia, Sherlock decides to reveal how very human he is, after all, and the fall-out will have enormous consequences for them both...
I want to go home. Series by IwillbeReichenbach (E, 82,514+ w. across 3 works || Series WiP || TEH / Post-Serbia, Canon Compliant, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Sherlock-centric, Torture, Violence, BAMF Sherlock, Sherlock Whump, Canon Compliant, Mycroft To The Rescue, Dark, Pain/Hurt, Injury, Waterboarding, Electricity Misuse, Rape Aftermath/Recovery, Humiliation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Physical Abuse, Broken Sherlock) – A version of the events that occur in Serbia and shortly thereafter. Sherlock is in for a rough time. I have tried my best to keep it canon compliant.
Shatter Me by Loveismyrevolution (E, 171,074+ w., 21/26 Ch. || WiP || Sherlock Dances, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Angst with Happy Ending, Misunderstandings, Introspection, Mutual Pining, UST, Idiots in Love, Big Brother Mycroft, Implied Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions) – This is a story about two men trying to find their way back into the comfort of their companionship. No easy task in the aftermath of the events of Reichenbach, a wedding and a shot through the heart. They are facing a very rocky road ahead with a lot of introspection, misunderstandings, angst and pining. They each try to cope in their own particular way. Eventually, they'll find a way to communicate and learn about the true nature of their feelings.
Scheherezade by sgam76 (G, 197,576 w., 45 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF/Pre-TSo3, PTSD Sherlock, Implied/Referenced Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Humour, Protective John, Papa Lestrade, Big Brother Mycroft, BAMF John, BAMF Sherlock, Aftermath of Serbia, Past Child Abuse, Childhood Memories, Drunk Sherlock, Canon Compliant, Suicidal Thoughts / Attempt) – Sherlock is home, he and John are returning to cases, and all's right with the world--right? But a series of minor mishaps and injuries makes two things very clear to his friends and family: first, Sherlock's time away wasn't the grand adventure everyone has assumed it was; and second, that time has left Sherlock with a legacy that's bleeding into his life today. Sherlock is Not Okay, and it's not going away. Part 1 of the Scheherezade 'verse series
Define Vulnerabilty by TheGracefulBlueCat (T, 240,606 w. 97 Ch. || Canon Compliant, Aftermath of Torture, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Scars, Sherlock's Violin, Doctor John, John is a Good Friend, Flashbacks, Case Fic, Sedation, Sherlock is a Mess / Not Okay, Nightmares, Big Brother Mycroft, Asperger's Sherlock, Fainting, Sherlock's Mind Palace, Triggers, Panic Attacks, Hurt Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Blood and Gore, Drugs / Drug Use, Helpless / Vulnerable Sherlock, Protective John, Painful Repressed Memories, PTSD Sherlock, Medical Procedures, Drugged Lestrade, Lestrade Whump, Drugged Sherlock, Recovery, Crying Sherlock, Dissociation, Forehead Touching) – Shortly after Sherlock's return John realises something is very wrong with his friend. He, Greg and Mycroft try to help Sherlock as he falls deeper and deeper into the abyss called PTSD. But Sherlock is not ready to allow anyone in, but then the events of the current case cause him to hit bottom hard. Part 8 of the Lessons in Friendship series, Part 1 of the Hiatus series
#steph replies#johnlock fic recs#my fic recs#aftermath of serbia fics#hiatus fics#serbia fics#sherlock's ptsd
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I'm Your Man - The Handler Epilogue
Rating: Explicit/Mature
Tags: TW//Sui ideation/discussion, depression, self-hatred, abuse, ptsd, toxic relationships, this is sad, wrapping it on up, open ending, unreliable narrator, non-descriptive handjob, hydra reader/winter soldier, canon setting
A/N: Hey I'm back off my hiatus it's Bucky hours!!!!!! I love you all and hope to get into the ask box kink bingo soon <33
You're an angel, I'm a dog
Bucky thought about her sometimes. Not often, not on purpose. Late late at night after waking up writhing– again. That’s when the ghost of her soft touch and sweetened words would drip over him like honey. The commander. His only commander. An angel among men, to lead him around with the silver chain like a dog. Bucky, or the soldier back then, was quite willing to stay at her heels.
Eat from her hand. Whatever. It made his stomach curdle a bit. How obedient and loyal Bucky was to Komandir. It wasn’t all brainwashing and trigger words. He preened for touch and love. Would kill, kill, steal, kill more, lie for the praising after. She’d always call him the ‘my precious star’ or ‘the greatest’ but he felt Rumlow’s description was more apt. A feral fucking dog.
The brunette scrunched his eyes tight, trying to redirect his thinking, pressing fists into the socket, hoping to just sleep. Abate the chest deep loneliness in his cold, empty apartment. He tossed over on his side, blue eyes blank on the wall.
Or you're a dog and I'm your man
The cogs were still turning. Acrid smoke billowing from his ears, felt like. Bucky wished he could have asked Komandir why she stayed so long. How could she tell him she loved him and still let everything that happened happen. The abuse, the sickening touches, Strike Team taking what was theirs. She was a dog in her own way. Owned by vicious, vicious people. He knew she grew disillusioned before…the end.
Bucky recollected memories in Siberia, the horrid second time he had visited. The way the new soldiers weren’t quite functioning up to standard. One of them hit her, tackled to the ground. She fought back, hollering, “Off! Off or you’re back in cryo Anatoly!” Her precious cheek crunched under a veiny fist. Karpov was too slow, staring in rapt interest and fear. At the time Bucky reacted blindly. His precious was going to be hurt.
Anatoly, whatever the asshole’s name was, had his face smashed in. Dead.
She had dragged Bucky off, cheek and eye swollen. Black and blue. He could only see red. Karpov’s voice was a whisper to him, he was focused only on any danger. Her chest heaved as she wheezed, fingers a vice grip around his arm, sparing a nervous glance. The rapid beating of her heart scared him. All Bucky wanted to do was protect his Komandir.
Who was to say who was in charge between the two at this point? The question lingered.
You believe me like a god
She shoved him down in that dreary office. The same one where he first met her, felt that sickly sweet touch. The woman hissed in pain as she knelt down, lopsided face intense with emotions. He croaked, “He- he was going to.” She slapped him across the face, cursing low and raw. Tears brimmed in Komandir’s eyes.
“Why would you do that? Why? Do you want to be taken away from me?”
The soldier miserably shook his head, throat tightening. Komandir stifled a sob, “I’m not to be protected! You are priceless, I am not. I would have been fine. Play your part or you’ll end up being under Vasily.” He whimpered in distress, feelings Bucky now recognized as guilt bubbling up. Like the broken toy he was, the soldier repeated, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I won’t do it again Komandir. I’ll be good for you. Please don’t leave me.”
She sighed softly, sweaty forehead pressing into his neck. Gloved hands gripped his shoulders. The woman murmured, “We have to stay together. You’re the only thing to keep everything in order. Don’t do that again.”
“I will comply Komandir,” he stated as she nodded into his skin. He really meant it.
I destroy you like I am
Bucky accepted his fate to be lost in the past tonight. Sitting up he padded to the window, watching the night pass by. He idly thought about all the casualties and deaths associated with his existence. Born for destruction. Some sort of inherent darkness others like Steve or Sam never had. She had probably been his longest handler. They’d pass Bucky around and around until his head began to spin. Rumlow was his final handler. Good riddance.
She had stayed around only for the hope of him. Bucky couldn’t fathom why. It was some sort of concoction of misplaced love for him or what he represented, a false sense of duty to Hydra. He remembered her strained last words. Begging for him to ‘take the chance.’ Komandir’s words did ring true in a way. It wasn’t much longer after Steve appeared on the bridge and Hydra was shattered into tiny pieces. He did become bigger than the whole operation, the final vestige. Bucky wished she could have known that.
I'm sorry I'm the one you love
Bucky’s hands crunched into the windowsill. Why did she love him? Why did anyone want to love him? They all left in the end. This lonely apartment was here as proof. Steve was gone, Komandir was gone, his family long dead. A terrible chill swept across his body.
“Come back to us now, ma’s gonna have all of your favorites.”
“I’m with you until the end of the line.”
“Promise me, promise me, precious star.”
The brunette snarled back a sob.
No one will ever love me like you again
Bucky drifted deeper into his mind, he’d rather suffer than face reality right now. Back to a fonder memory. Her calloused hands stroking his thighs as Bucky trembled and whined. Komandir’s pretty voice cooing, “Sweet star, hold it for me? Hold it for your Komandir who loves you most of all. I’m sorry about earlier.” Bucky sniffed and watched her brows knit together. She continued, “I just got scared s’all. I don’t want you getting hurt by some other handler who doesn’t love you like I do.”
“Y-yes Komandir, I know, mmmh, ah, m’so sorry,” he warbled, pulsing cock scrambling coherency.
She leaned up and took his swollen lips, hand dragging his achy member to completion. The handler sighed, “Good boy, precious star, come for me, I love you.” He remembered spasming underneath her, whimpering and carrying on like a little slip of a thing. She had a knack for that, tearing the strong soldier into a slobbery sobbing mess.
So, when you leave me, I should die
Bucky’s cock twitched as he pulled himself out of the heated memory. He couldn’t even get hard nowadays. Any attempts reverted back to full softness. Usually tears. What kind of man can’t even jack himself off? Huffing softly Bucky leaned his forehead against the window. Maybe he should’ve joined her with a bullet in his skull. But he was always the loyal dog, following orders to a T. Run on back to Pierce after he was given the mission. Get her out of his system.
I deserve it, don't I?
He certainly deserved it. But life was given to him again. Sam reluctantly needed Bucky. He had these dumb fucking amends to make, besides the poor boy he didn’t want to think about. Not to mention an asshat carrying around Cap’s shield. Maybe he could dive into a volcano or figure out a way to snap himself again after helping Sam out. Put some sort of goodness in the world. He’d have to do something for Wakanda, Shuri, and Ayo too.
“Fucking hell,” Buck groaned.
I can feel it gettin' near, like flashlights comin' down the way
Bucky did not expect this excursion with Sam to be..so arduous. Painful. He’d been getting his ass kicked every day and dealing with absolute dredge of the earth scum. Last night was a fucking nightmare for him. Having to pretend to be soldat again. Like Zemo said, it wasn’t hard for him to slip right back in. It’s easy to follow orders. As much as his gut screams to stop, don’t fall back.
Just the right push and he could be that again. A mindless animal in exchange for attention and being worth something. Jumping for a purpose he supposed. Even if he didn’t want to do it. Hell, he was doing it to be pardoned. Owned by a government again.
The lights flickered on the city’s skyline. Like angels calling to him. The great light. He closed the curtain. Sam looked worried. Zemo was staring into him, those horrid vulpine eyes. Of everyone Bucky knew– Helmut Zemo understood him best. Regrettably.
One day you'll figure me out, I'll meet judgment by the hounds
When he had to give Zemo up to the Wakandans he didn’t shoot the man. Couldn’t. The Sokovian was the closest to unraveling what held Bucky together. His late Komandir neared that too. Shuri could fix the wires in his brain. She could not figure out what made him tick. Had to have a modicum of sadism and twistedness he presumed. Bucky grimaced, staring at the bleak monument for what felt like hours after everyone had left, feeling awful about Ayo’s look of disappointment. Other faces of judgment filtered through his mind; Both Starks, Walker, Steve, Isaiah, Raynor, Pierce.
He needed to get to New York. Sitting here for a while would do. Wallow in misery.
He rasped, “Why did you have to leave me? You were supposed to fix me.”
The wind whispered back, unintelligible. If he strained his cursed perfect hearing enough it almost sounded like her.
He stood up. Time to meet Sam. Get this over with. Face judgment or smiles.
People always gave me love, others were never to blame after all.
Bucky felt happy watching Sam receive the love and praise he deserved. Worthy of all the shield represented. He clung to that all the way down to Louisiana, helping out and getting heaped with love he didn’t deserve. Bucky could still be charming, dredging it out of his core. He swallowed down the memories of her and Steve again, their disgusting unconditional affection. Sam did the same. Saw something good. The former soldier didn’t know what. Saving people on this expedition didn’t equalize the balance of all the destruction he caused.
It felt nice regardless. He couldn’t stay. It did not sit well within him.
You believe me like a god, I betray you like a man.
He settled all the amends. Now Bucky needed to figure out some things. He didn’t know where it would lead. Maybe Madripoor, maybe Siberia in that dingy office, maybe that condemned apartment where his heart cracked. Nobody needn’t know, this was about him. A broken man at the end of the day. Still a man. He smashed the new phone under his foot. Komandir may have treated him like a deity for the good of the world but they both knew the truth. That’s what broke her. Bucky stared at the gravestone and headed off.
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REFRACTED.
Changbin x reader. (a,s)
Synopsis: Changbin all of a sudden decided to stay in your house for a few days with an excuse that he needed inspiration for his music. Little did you know, he has another reason to stay with you. (21,3k words)
Author's note: I wrote this fic when I was in hiatus and deep in my feelings. Please note that this fic could be triggering, readers discretion is advised!
Content warning: Mentions sensitive topics of depression and sulcide.
"The harder I swim the faster I sink."
-
"Why are you doing there? That's dangerous," Changbin shouted as soon as he saw you standing over the ledge of the rooftop cafe.
You looked over your shoulder and your foot accidentally slipped down the wet concrete floor after the rain but manage to steady yourself in time.
Changbin nearly had a heart attack from it.
"You interrupted me from flirting with a cute guy," you complained instead of thanking him.
Changbin walked up to you and stood next to you to see you pointed to a puppy hanging out by a balcony of someone's apartment.
"Such a cute pup!" You adorably said and waved bye at the small-sized animal that started barking and waging its tail at you.
"Come on, let's get a table!" Changbin said and pulled you along with him to an empty table.
"We had a few drinks together," you began as you sipped your coffee, "and all of a sudden you want to stay in my house?"
Changbin knew that his request came so sudden and he understood why you got so taken aback by it. He just got back from months of touring a few countries and met you again a few nights ago for drinks. He had known you for years, a little after he graduated high school and a little before he became what he is now, an established musician.
"I'll pay for rent, do not worry!" He assured you.
You scoffed, "it's not about money!"
"I need to see the motives here," you said with squinted eyes as if interrogating a criminal.
Changbin shouted in a complaint, "why would I need motives? I'm not a serial killer,"
"Well, most serial killers don't need motives to kill people," you simply said as you sipped your coffee.
"Hey, be serious!" Changbin raised his voice a little louder and you were glad you chose a table outside.
"I'm serious," you said, "I don't see why you need to stay in my house. You have your own house, it's bigger and more luxurious," you pointed out the facts.
"My family is going on a vacation," he said, "you know I don't like being alone,"
"Why don't you go with them?"
"I can't. I have schedules," he answered, he knew he won you over with that.
And you knew you didn't have any say when it involved his schedules, it was fixed and unalterable.
You sighed and sipped your coffee again, "what's in it for me?"
"I'll pay for the rent,"
"You know I don't need money," you said again while rolling your eyes at him.
"I'll pay for some of your bills then," he offered.
You nodded, intrigued by his offer and considering it.
"And buy the groceries too," he made another offer.
"Okay, I like that!" You agreed right away with a slam of your hand on the table.
"And you'll get an endless supply of inspiration," he said as he cupped his face with both hands and smiled so cutely at you.
You cringed, "I'm writing children's books, not a thriller," you said.
"Hey!" He shouted at you again.
You put your hand on his mouth to shut him up while laughing, "Okay, calm down now," you said to him.
You eyed his cake and reached out for it, "Is it good?" You asked, picking up the small fork next to the plate.
"Don't let other people decide for you. You try it and judge for yourself!" He passionately said as if he was campaigning.
Your fork hovering in the air as you got startled by his words and how loud he was, "I'm about to get a taste and prove it myself!"
"That's good. Have a principle!" He beamed at you with a proud smile.
-
Changbin had visited your house twice, the first one was for a party you threw when you celebrated your first published book and officially became an author. The second time was a few nights ago, you got drunk that he had to drive you home.
He knocked on your door a few times and stood outside your door for a good five minutes. He knocked again a few times and still no answer, he had no other choice but started shouting your name.
"Yes, I'm coming!!!"
He heard you grumbling behind the door while unlocking it and pulled it open.
"You are so loud!" You yelled at him, wrapping yourself in a big white blanket.
"You just woke up?"
"Yeah, I worked on my drawings the whole night," you mumbled with your eyes half shut and stepped aside to let him in.
You sat on the sofa and lay down, hiding with the blanket.
"Can we do the house tour later?" You asked, resting your head on the armrest of the sofa.
Changbin walked around the living room and saw the family pictures hung on the wall, "I thought you were living with your parents," he said.
"Nope. Not anymore," you responded, laying on the sofa with eyes closed.
"Where are they now?"
"My sister got a scholarship and my parents think she's too young to live abroad alone, so they decided to live with her," you elaborated, slurring your words as you slowly drifted into sleep again.
"You've been living all alone these times?" He asked.
You hummed your reply.
Changbin looked at your graduation picture and probably the last picture you took together with your family because the rest were pictures of you and your sister when you were younger.
"Let's have breakfast," Changbin said then turned around to see you fell back asleep, curling up on the sofa like a napping cat.
He took the chance to walk around and see the house by himself. On the first floor, there is a living room, a kitchen, a guest bathroom, a study room or an office, he couldn't tell then he went to the backyard for a bit to see a small garden with a lot of potted plants that your parents probably left behind for you to take care of.
He went back inside and smiled as he walked past you sleeping on the sofa, you looked so cute bundled by the blanket, like a big fluffy cloud.
He went up the stairs and looked around the second floor, there was your bedroom, another two bedrooms, and a bathroom in between. He went to another room, the biggest one there that turned out to be your workroom, and got greeted by the cluttering mess of crumpled papers, pencils, paper cups, an empty glass, and food wrappers. Changbin got so infuriated to see all this despite the house looking so incredibly homey. He hurriedly went around collecting it and will do the rest once he gets cleaning equipment from downstairs.
Changbin nearly slipped on the steps seeing you standing at the base of the stairs with your hair tousled and your eyes barely open.
"Can you cook me something for breakfast?" You asked, resting your chin on the wooden handlebar of the stairs.
Changbin blinked and got quiet for a second, this shouldn't come as a surprise but he felt a little bit ashamed of admitting it to you.
"I can't cook," he innocently said.
You let out a long sigh and deep down, you knew living with him would not be easy.
"It's okay. You're rich and famous, no need to know how to cook," you sneered at him while slowly walking back to the living room.
Changbin hurriedly went down the stairs and followed you, "we can always have cereal for breakfast," he tried to come up with a solution that he, himself knew isn't the best one.
"Let's have kimchi soup for breakfast," you decided without waiting for his answer and picked up your phone.
"I want something else for breakfast!" He grumbled and sat real close to you on the sofa until you were cornered.
You ignored him and talked to the phone, "yes, I'd like to order two portions of kimchi soup!"
-
You agreed on sharing your workspace with him.
With one simple rule: no interrupting each other when working. You gave him one side of the room with the long wooden table where you put all of your finished works on it and have the work desk for yourself.
Changbin worked with his headphones on while you focused on drawing on your computer.
After a few hours though, Changbin had already forgotten the rule, the only single rule there was.
"I'm hungry," he shouted like a whining baby who doesn't know how to feed himself.
"We just had food like 4 hours ago," you said without looking at him.
"Yeah, but it's lunchtime," he said, swaying his chair side to side and the creaking sound started to annoy you.
You turned to face him and folded your hands on the table, "go to the kitchen and make yourself something!"
He whined. The annoying whine he did whenever he wants something and he knows enough that it irritates you deep to the bones.
"Let's eat something delicious out!" He said, he swiveled his chair to the window and saw the clear blue sky.
"The weather is nice!" He delightfully sighed.
You ignored him again and back to your drawing.
Curious, Changbin got up from his seat and approached you. He peered over your shoulder to see your drawing and it amazed him how you are so good at it.
"You're really good at this!" He said in amazement, this was his first time seeing you working and absorbed in it.
"What are you drawing? Is that a wasp?"
He leaned over your desk and watched you seamlessly drawing on the graphics tablet in silence.
"What did you do if you mess the drawing?"
"How do you-"
You shot up from your seat and sighed, calming yourself down then turned your head at him, "Let's go have lunch out in the nice weather!" You said through your gritted teeth.
Changbin chortled, knowing he struck your nerves and made you cave in.
You had lunch in a small restaurant near your house just within a walking distance.
"Why children's book?" He asked as you both waited for the food to arrive.
"Because," you took spoons and cleaned them up with tissues, "children are very open-minded, they're open to anything and they're not like us, adults," you explained then placed the clean spoon for him with a set of chopsticks.
"They don't hate what they don't understand."
Changbin nodded and understood that children tend to try to understand things first before deciding whether to like them or not. Unlike us adults, stubborn and fickle, we hate just because we can.
"By the way, you're paying for lunch!" You said to him with a wry smile on your face as the food arrived on the table.
After lunch and a popsicle later, you went back to continue your drawing while Changbin stayed downstairs to answer a phone call.
The dusk was falling when you decided to take a little break, you went out and looked down to see Changbin still talking on the phone while pacing back and forth in the living room.
The sight of his things cluttered on the long wooden table got your attention, you always wondered how musicians work.
You sauntered there and saw his laptop screen was opening a music mixing software on it, you didn't dare to touch it because what if you accidentally mess up his track or worst delete it?
You dragged another chair instead of his and pulled his notebook with words scrawled on it. You flipped to the previous pages and scanned the words, there were so many words scratched over, little notes on the side, random words, and alternative words.
You realized they were lyrics.
You decided to read the one that caught your attention.
"Like a streetlight, like a streetlight.
In the middle of the night, I just look bright."
Changbin decided to come right at that second and he had that loopy grin on his face, "you read it like a poem," he entered the room and sat at the end of the table at you.
"Lyrics are not that much different from poems," you propped a hand under your chin and proceeded to flip the pages of his notebook.
"They're my raps," he told you, looking at you still with that lopsided grin that became a little maniacal.
You chose one from the page and lifted it just enough, you started rapping out the words, putting on a show for him.
"Soles of my shoes cracked, a stretched out tee
a bandaid on my torn up knee would be a luxury."
You got up from the chair and started acting out the words like a rapper would do, doing it excessively just because.
"My vocal cords tear in front of the pop filter
These are all my wounds, my scars, they’re my tattoo."
Changbin burst out laughing and he started slapping the table.
"Why? I'm doing it right," you said while half-laughing and running out of breath from going all out on your act.
Changbin still cackling as well, "That's not how-"
He was unable to finish his words without bursting into another fit of laughter.
After recovering yourself from the hilarity that ensued, you closed his notebook and headed out of the room.
"Where are you going?"
Gosh, why did it feel like you were assigned to care for a child instead of taking in a friend to stay over in the house?
Yet you answered as you climbed down the stairs, "Cooking dinner!"
-
It was understandable if he can't cook.
That maybe he doesn't know any recipe or doesn't know how to prepare ingredients, maybe he helped someone cook in the kitchen before but never cooked by himself.
Maybe he's just not experienced in the kitchen.
The truth was he is completely clueless about it. He's not familiar with the names of kitchen utensils, he doesn't know how to dice an onion, and can't even tell the difference between sugar and salt without tasting it.
"Just prepare the table!" You ordered before your wrath set the kitchen on fire.
Thank God, he could at least know how to set a table and do a really good job at it.
"You know how to open a bottle of wine, right?"
It was his turn to shoot you icy glares, he snatched the wine bottle from you and rolled up the sleeve of his shirt to expose his bulging biceps.
"Is that necessary?"
"Girls scream just to see a glimpse of it. So, consider yourself lucky!" He said with so much pride at himself, oozing with confidence and you couldn't deny, that he looked most attractive when he's like that.
Changbin sat down on his chair after opening the wine then poured both of your glasses with the burgundy-colored drink and an aphrodisiac smell.
As you both sat and ate your dinner, Changbin caught your eyes and you saw that a question formed in that faint crease between his eyebrows.
"Before I came here, do you always have dinner alone?" He asked.
"Yes," you answered, then took a sip of your wine.
"Did you feel lonely?"
"Sometimes," you halted shoving a spoonful of food into your mouth to answer his question.
"What about now?"
"Pretty much the same," you shortly replied.
"Isn't it fun having me around?" He confidently said with a sly smirk dancing on his face.
"Yes, very fun!" You said with the slightest of enthusiasm, opposite to your positive response to his remark.
Changbin joined you on the sofa after washing the dishes, watching something on TV but he knew your mind was someplace far from where you were.
He sat on the opposite corner and the motion he made slowly reeled you back to consciousness, you turned your head at him.
"How's your first day doing chores?" You asked.
He scoffed, "I do chores, okay? I do everything myself in the dorm," he defended himself rather too passionately.
You chuckled and removed the cushion from your lap, put your feet up on to lay sideways, resting your head on his lap.
It took him by surprise but he tried to calm down so his leg muscles wouldn't tense under you.
"How long are you going to stay here?" You asked.
But Changbin was struggling to fight the urge not to slip his hand in your hair and softly brush it, he fisted his hands on his sides instead.
"A few weeks?" He wildly guessed. He even didn't plan on staying with you, the idea just went through his mind out of impulse, an answer to a silent cry for help.
He was ready to your complaint but he heard you sighing instead, "okay," you responded and nuzzled your head, making yourself comfortable on his thighs.
"Wake me up when your legs get numb," you said then closed your eyes.
The sound coming from the TV was muffled by his thoughts, he had been thinking out loud for the last 14 hours of living with you and how lonely you must have been living on your own. He had seen people his age living in their place but yours was different, he could see the emptiness in the space you're living in and in you.
He often found you were out of yourself, deep in your thoughts, and at times, your presence was nothing but just the vessel.
A hesitant hand reached for your head and softly brushed your hair with his fingers, so gently as to not wake you up.
You were shivering and he noticed the goosebumps on your arms raised. He hurriedly took the quilt from the end of the sofa and put it on you, rubbed over your arm to provide more warmth.
He watched over you and hoped he could ward away the bad dreams coming your way.
He heard your sniffles.
And at first, he thought he misheard it, maybe it was coming from the TV.
Then he heard it again. He hated to move, afraid that he would wake you but he had to check if it was you.
He turned your head so slowly and saw the crease between your eyebrows, crying in your sleep as if you were in pain.
It was a sad sight to see, he immediately shook your body awake until your eyes flew open.
"Yeah?" You croaked.
"I'm getting numb here," he lied, even though he would let you rest your head the whole night if you wanted to.
You shut your eyes a few times and slowly got up, "I'd better go to bed," you told him.
You sat on the sofa and stretched your hands upward, you probably felt the tears on your cheeks, which you hurriedly wiped with the back of your hand.
It was too late though, Changbin saw everything.
"Goodnight!" You said to him as you flashed him a smile, then got up from the sofa.
Changbin couldn't say it back to you, he felt something clogging, a lump of hot coal burning his throat the harder he tried to fight it from coming out.
He rarely cried, but it got him tremendously sad to see you smile for him.
-
The next morning, he found you in the backyard, watering the potted plants. Except that you were untethered from your physical body again as you kept hosing one plant for far too long it started to flood and made a puddle on the grass.
"Aren't you going to cook breakfast?" He shouted from the doorway of the back door.
You snapped awake and turned off the hose, "yes!"
You walked back inside the house and went straight to the fridge, and stood there while looking inside for something.
After a minute, you closed the fridge and turned around.
"Wait, I don't think I can cook today," you said.
Changbin waited by the kitchen counter with a glass of water, "why?"
"I have an early meeting with my agent!" You slapped your forehead for only remembering it right at that moment.
You paced back and forth in the kitchen, disoriented. Then went to one of the kitchen cabinets, "cereal of your choice and milk on the fridge!" You informed him then dashed upstairs.
Changbin spent the whole morning working on a track but the chance of not snooping around your workspace was too irresistible. He went over to your desk and checked your things. A sketchbook full of raw drawings of characters you made for the book then he flipped to the farthest back of the book, knowing that people usually wrote something there too. He found scribbles of words, a phone number, an address, then a random doodle of objects.
There was another book under it, it looked like a journal, and guessing that it must be personal, he relents from looking at it.
Changbin sat on your chair and just sat there, trying to get a grasp of what it feels like working all alone in the room.
He suddenly felt lonely and you must have been feeling this grim feeling when you worked in here by yourself.
Not that Changbin doesn't like being alone, but he mostly prefers in someone's company or vice versa.
It felt as if his body moved faster than his brain, his hand reached for his phone on the table and called your number.
The first ring, second ring, third ring... no answer.
He kept going until the fifth ring and you finally picked it up, "what is it? I'm in the middle of the meeting!" You nagged the second you picked up the phone.
Changbin let out a sigh of relief, he never knew he would be this happy to listen to your voice.
"We run out of food!" He came up with something real quick.
There was a few seconds of silence, "I'll pick you up after the meeting then we'll grocery shopping," you told him, didn't say anything else but ended the phone call.
Changbin was ready, sitting on the stairs that leads to the front door of your house waiting for you.
The sound of your car arriving jolted him up then he ran out of the gate, getting into the passenger side of the car.
You observed him as he put on his seat belt, "you dressed neatly for grocery shopping," you said with suspicious eyes.
He looked at himself, dressed in a sky blue fitted shirt and dark jeans, he thought he dressed... casual?
"What?"
Yet you still thoroughly looked at him like you were searching for something that wasn't there, then shrugged.
Changbin always dreaded when his members told him to go grocery shopping, he'd rather do the chores at home.
Unbeknownst to him, it was a fun thing to do with you.
He followed you from behind and watched you get excited over a shelf full of peanut butter.
And you seemed to enjoy doing it, you walked around the aisles of the supermarket and read the back of the products before putting them down the cart.
"Bin, come here!" You gestured for him to come over to a lady who offered free samples of sausage.
You fed him one, "How is it?"
He ate it quick and swallowed, "good!"
"Should we buy one?" You asked.
Changbin nodded.
"What a lovely couple!" The lady said.
You flashed her a smile instead of denying her remark and took another sample.
"Are you guys newlyweds?" She asked again and offered your more sample which she just cooked.
She glanced at Changbin and he glanced back at you, for a split second he saw the mischief in your eyes.
"We're actually getting a divorce," you joked but your face was so serious, that she took it quite literally.
"Oh?" She beamed with her face turned a bit dim.
"But nothing is final!" Changbin quickly added with a smile, then linked his arm with you, "we promised to do better this time. Right, honey?"
He shot you a mischievous smirk.
You returned the smirk just the same but he recognized that you were up to something not good yet again, "Oh yeah, we're planning to have a child to save our marriage because that seems to always work," you responded with a saccharine smile.
Changbin quickly took two packs of sausage, "We'll take these. Thank you!" He told the poor lady who got slightly shocked by your remark then pushed the cart to the fresh goods section.
He would be lying if he didn't enjoy that.
That little gimmick you both just did gave him a glimpse of what it would like to have a domestic life with you. You always curtly but he always knows how to soften you, and makes you laugh. He thought that is just the perfect mix.
"Why are you smiling?" You asked as you handed him a plastic bag.
"Nothing!"
"Pack some tangerines for me," you told him then put your hand on his jaw, "please, honey?" You said with a mocking tone, then laughed.
And you kept on teasing him endlessly.
"Honey, what do you want to have for dinner?" You asked as you stared at various condiments on the shelf.
"Pasta!" He answered.
"What kind of pasta?"
"Carbonara,"
You looked at him and nodded, "I'll cook you chicken alfredo pasta," you decided it yourself at the end.
You cooked him exactly what you promised and he never had it before, but he believed it was the first and the best he ever had.
"You eat so well, honey," you commented as you watched him eating with a mouthful of your cooking.
"It's so good!" His words were muffled by the food in his mouth.
He decided to slow down even though he couldn't stop eating, sipped his wine, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
"How was the meeting?" He asked.
You sighed and your eyes slightly rolled to the back, "it wasn't a meeting. It's more like a warning for me," you answered.
"Warning?"
"That I have to release another book soon or I'm pretty much you know..." you made a slashing your neck gesture, "done!"
"It seems like it wasn't your first time," he guessed, because you seemed so calm and that only meant you have dealt with it before.
"Because the last time they did, it worked. So they do it again," you gulped down the wine in your glass until no drop left.
Changbin did the dishes again and he was washing the plates under the warm running water when you came behind him, wrapping your hands around him.
"Honey," you said to him, low and sultry.
He almost dropped the plate back onto the sink, he looked down at your hand resting just right on his chest and he was scared you would know how his heart beating out of his chest.
"I'm going to bed early," you said with your cheek pressed on his back shoulder. You stayed like that for a moment and Changbin didn't dare to move an inch, if he could, he would encase this moment forever.
You turned your head and put your forehead against his back, sighed, and said, "Goodnight!"
Then you slowly pulled your hands away from him, and the warmth your back hug provides had gone in a second.
He watched you leave and walked up the stairs, the back figure of your body walking further away from him and his feet felt like they should be following you.
And he thought why?
Why did you have to keep fueling his sweet, sweet daydream?
-
Changbin woke up the next day late with no breakfast in sight but the pale morning sun shining through the windows and the stillness in the kitchen.
He checked if you left early for a meeting like yesterday but your car was still parked outside, he went back upstairs and thought if it was okay if he let himself into your room.
He slowly swung the door open and poked his head in, saw you still sleeping on your bed.
But it seemed like you were already awake as well, you stretched your arms wide as he stood there at the end of your bed.
"You're not working?" He softly asked, didn't want to surprise you first thing in the morning.
"I don't work on the weekend," you mumbled your answer.
He scoffed.
"It's called self-care," you snickered and hoisted yourself up on the bed.
"You can go back to sleep, I'll leave!" He said, feeling bad for waking you up.
"Too late, I'm awake already," you moaned as you stretched your body while sitting on the bed.
He didn't mean to stare but the sight of your nipples poking through your camisole kept on inviting him to see, as you kept stretching causing one of the straps to slide down your arm.
You moaned again followed by the sound of the cracking on your back that made you both surprised at how loud it was.
"You never exercise, aren't you?" He accused.
"I do exercise!" You mewled, denying his statement.
"When is the last time you did?"
You got quiet, you exercised but you did remember that it was long ago.
An idea ran through his mind, "get up! Get dressed!" He ordered.
You saw the glints in his eyes that hinted at something that you sensed wouldn't be to your liking.
"You know what, I think I'll get back to sleep!" You took back your words and slumped down the bed, pulling your duvet back over your body.
Changbin hurriedly took the end and pulled it off of you, revealing your body dressed only in camisole and boy shorts. He looked at it for a few seconds before snapping himself awake then quickly shifted his eyes elsewhere, he groped around the bed until he found your ankle.
"Come on! You're coming with me!" He insisted, pulling you by your ankle and forcing you to get off the bed.
This was a bad idea.
Not entirely, the part where he made you exercise was not. What was not okay was he got to see your body clothed in tight dark leggings and sports bra, which only enhanced every curve on your body.
"Am I doing it right?" You asked, lifting the weight on the gym equipment Changbin recommended to you.
"Straighten your back!" He snapped and he didn't mean to raise his voice, it was out of concern and so was his hand holding your back, keeping you in the perfect posture.
"You're enjoying it, huh?" You snickered with a pout.
Changbin felt so caught, suddenly aware that he was looking at the beads of sweat formed on your neck and the valley of your breasts.
"Huh?" He could only say that much.
"You're enjoying torturing me," you continued.
Changbin stifled a laugh, partly relieved you didn't notice him ogling your body.
"Very much!" He playfully responded with a sly smirk.
You sighed and stop lifting, "I don't want to give you the satisfaction," you got up from the seat.
"Where are you going?"
"I'll be on the treadmill," you answered while walking away from him.
You both working out in different parts of the gym but when he found a man was occupying the equipment next to you, only then did he realize he wasn't the only one who could see you in that gym clothes.
The closer he got to you the clearer he heard you were humming to a song with your body glistening wet with sweat.
He hurriedly opened a bottle of water he had been holding and handed it to you.
You turned your head at him and took it from him, "Thanks, honey!"
Changbin hoped you said it loud enough for everyone in the gym to hear, but that was just his wishful thinking.
"Let's have lunch after!" He suggested, leaning against the treadmill while looking at you panting from the running.
"Okay," you agreed.
Changbin bought the coffee after lunch and found you were looking at the pets inside a pet shop, you tapped the glass window to get the attention of a snowy white furred cat.
You moved onto the other side to look at the brown rabbit munching on a carrot, lightly tapping on the glass again.
Changbin smiled looking at the cute interaction, it was rare to see you looking so smitten over something.
Noticed that you were being watched, you turned your head to the side and saw Changbin, "coffee?"
"Here!" He said, handing you your coffee cup.
You took it from him and didn't wait to take a careful, small sip.
"What is this?"
"Mocha latte!"
You sighed with your shoulders slumped.
"I'm right," he said, then saw your eyes rolled to the side and knew right away he made a mistake.
He started to doubt himself, "right?"
"I asked for café mocha, not mocha latte," you explained, holding the coffee cup with both of your hands, and didn't know what to do with it.
His eyes widened in a slight panic, "it's not that different!" He said even though he wasn't sure about his own words.
"It's different," you said with yet another sigh.
"I'll go get you a new cup!" He offered to fix the situation.
"It's okay, never mind," you said then started walking.
And Changbin was standing there, feeling guilty and thought you were mad at him.
Realizing he wasn't coming with you, you stopped walking and turned around, "are you not coming, honey?" You asked with your hand held out at him.
A smile rose on Changbin's face, he shouldn't have thought you will be mad over a petty thing such as getting your coffee wrong.
He took your hand and clasped it with yours, started walking hand in hand back to the car.
At night, you decided to watch a movie together and Changbin learned how to make popcorn with the microwave that night, which earned applause from you.
He got to pick the movie because he gets picky when it comes to movies and you didn't usually like serious movies, but that night, you were up for anything.
You didn't expect him to choose this kind of movie in the first place.
You rested your head on his shoulder and ate popcorn from the bowl on Changbin's lap. Not long after, you were both immersed in the story and the popcorn was long forgotten.
This was nice, he thought.
It was strange coming from a person who doesn't like staying still, but he liked staying like this with you, sitting next to each other, sharing a blanket, and laughing at the same part of the movie you were watching together.
This was more than nice, it was comfortable, and felt like home.
After you went to bed, he went to the workroom and sat against your desk. He braved himself to read your journal, he had been fighting the urge to not read it but it seemed that he failed. He knew reading it means he invaded your privacy, but he swore to himself he was just concerned for you.
He flipped to the recent pages and saw the last entry on that day's page, you wrote a simple sentence.
"Warm embrace"
It got him wondering as to why you only wrote these two words. He flipped to the previous page to see what you wrote on the other dates on the journal, they were pretty much the same. The words written on it were random things.
On the previous day's entry, you wrote "sausage" and two days before that you wrote "streetlight" and he kept on flipping the pages to get a clue on why you wrote them.
"Cute puppy"
"Chopin's Nocturne"
"Blue sky"
"Spring rain"
"Foam on my coffee"
"The water fountain"
"Carnations"
"Yellow raincoat"
The more he read the more confused he got, he sort of gave up at the end and closed the book. He put it back where you placed it, right under the sketchbook, and felt even more puzzled than before he read all that.
-
He heard a ruckus at the crack of dawn and he jolted awake thinking it was an intruder trying to get into the house. He silently made his way out of his room and found you looking for something in the small pantry next to your bedroom.
"Did I wake you?" You asked with a grimace.
"What are you doing?" He asked, slightly drowsy and confused.
"I'm trying to get something," you answered then pointed to a box on the top of the shelf, "I need that box!"
He walked up to you and looked up at the small brown box, "what's that?"
"Just something from my teen years," you shortly replied sparing him the details.
"Can you get it from-" you paused as you saw him standing there, "Never mind! I'll get a stool!" You said to him.
Changbin felt offended by you indirectly mocking his height, he came up to you and grabbed you by your waist, lifting you to get the box from the top shelf.
"Oh!" You exclaimed, slightly shocked at how he easily lifted your body like you were a piece of paper.
Changbin slowly walked to get you close to the box so you can grab it.
"Okay, I got it!" You announced as you held the box close to your chest
He slowly lowered you down onto the floor and sighed, "I know I'm not tall, but I'm strong," he defended himself even before you said anything to him.
You smiled at him instead of responding to his words, "thank you, Changbin," you said.
He couldn't help but smile back at you, completely forgetting about the mocking of his height.
"Do you really need to get that box at 4 am in the morning?" He asked, remembering that the house was still dark and it was so eerily quiet.
"Do you want to go on a walk with me?" You invited him instead of answering his question.
You brought the box to your bedroom and came back with a pair of sneakers.
"Are you seriously asking me to go on a walk with you?" He asked, he would rather back to bed and sleep some more.
You nodded and sat on the chair, putting your sneakers on.
"I want to see the sunrise," you said as you laced your shoe.
"But it's cold?!" He said as if it wasn't obvious.
"I don't know, put on a coat I guess?" You simply answered.
Changbin felt conflicted but he obviously wouldn't let you go alone, "I'm going to get ready!" He finally decided.
The sky was still dark and the stars hadn't gone out even the sliver of dawn started to shine through the horizon.
You both walked the quiet and empty streets, it was as if the earth belonged to only the two of you. He could hear the friction your shoes made against the asphalt, the sound of your breathing, and the wind that brushed your skin and hair.
He quietly followed you climbing the stairs that led to a rooftop of a parking building, if he weren't with you he wouldn't dare go to such a place at that hour.
Once you both arrived at the top, you stood by the ledge with your elbows propped on the concrete barrier and watched as the sun rises, then the sky gradually changed into different shades of colors ever so slightly.
Changbin realized that he took little things like this for granted.
Sometimes you need to stop and look around you for little wonders like this.
"It's beautiful," he sighed with the steam of his breath coming out of his mouth, forming a curl of smoke in the air.
Autumn was about to end and about to be replaced by winter, the temperature dropped so significantly and made the morning colder than usual.
"Will tomorrow's sunrise be as beautiful as today's?" You asked out of the blue without looking at him.
You looked rather petrified by the sight you were seeing but at the same time, you were sad about it.
"I don't know," Changbin honestly answered.
"The sun rises every day but they'll never be the same," he added, shoving his hands inside the pockets of his jackets.
"What if the sun never rises?" You asked again.
Despite the golden rays of sun hitting your face and making you look otherwordly beautiful yet there was chaos stirred inside you.
"What if it's night forever? And it's just... endless dark... forever," you said as you stared out at the view as the sun woke the whole city as it once again became alive, another day began.
Changbin raked his half-awake brain to come up with a bright answer to your existential question.
"Technically, it's not the sun that doesn't rise but the earth that stops spinning," Changbin elaborated as far as his knowledge took him.
"Or... it could be you forget to turn on the lights!" He added with a low laugh.
"What if the light switch broke?"
"Then I'll reflect the lights to you," he answered without a beat.
Changbin knew that all of those questions weren't just silly questions and they weren't just metaphorical as well, he knew exactly what lay underneath all of those words.
-
When Changbin met you again after years of rarely seeing each other, it was like the universe wanted him to be there, at that exact place and at that exact time.
You were standing on the ledge, drunk and crying. It was indeed a lethal combination. Changbin immediately ran toward you and grabbed your hand, afraid that you accidentally slipped. He then dragged you away, far from the ledge. He could only imagine what would happen if you did slip, it made him shiver just from thinking about it.
"What are you doing out here?" He asked, still holding you by your waist even though you were already in the safety of his embrace.
He saw your cheeks were wet with tears but you were laughing at him, "who are you?" you asked, completely dazed and confused.
"It's me Changbin. You remember me?"
You laughed again and he couldn't tell what was funny, "oh Changbin?"
"Yes, Changbin," he repeated, just in case you still didn't get his name.
"I remember you," you slurred.
"Yeah?"
"Changbin," you called.
"Yes?"
"How do you keep afloat?" You randomly asked like it was a pop quiz.
"You keep swimming, I guess," he answered, not sure why you asked but that was the only thing that came up in his brain.
"That's the problem, I'm getting tired of keep swimming," you sadly said and tears rolled down your face.
"I want to stop," you broke into tears.
Changbin was unprepared, he didn't know what to do when he met an old friend and she suddenly cried into his arms.
But he comforted you as much as he could, holding you and letting you cry your heart out until you exhausted yourself and passed out.
And he thought your little stunt was caused by the alcohol.
Turned out, it wasn't.
He knew something was wrong with you and all these subtle changes in you, they seemed alright at the first glance.
So he decided to take the great length by staying with you to take a closer look at you and search for the answer.
But no matter how much he looked at you, he couldn't tell what was inside that pretty head of yours.
You glanced up at him and caught him staring at you from across the room.
"What?" You asked as you slid your glasses up your nose.
Changbin swiveled his chair to the side, and aligned it with yours, "oh you don't know?"
You tipped your head to the side, "what?"
He walked to your desk and dragged a chair to sit across your desk.
"It's a staring contest!" He spontaneously announced.
You scoffed and took off your glasses, "just a fair warning, I'm very competitive," you said.
"You ready?"
You blinked your eyes a few times to prepare yourself, "Okay, I'm ready!"
You stared into his eyes and he did the same, widening his eyes to take a better look at you hoping to find the answer to the questions that kept gnawing him from the inside.
"Nothing!" He said to himself.
"What?"
"I find nothing," he said.
"Huh?"
You didn't know that he was talking to himself. He once again couldn't decode what was inside your head. If only there was a way to find out.
"You're crying!" You told him, a tear rolled down his cheek from keeping his eyes open without blinking.
You reached for his face and wiped the tear with your knuckles, for a second, you forgot about the staring contest and blinked.
"Oh no!" You jerked your head back and slammed your desk, groaning out of frustration.
"You lost!" He said in a mocking tone with his eyes red and watery.
You glared at him and frowned, "yeah, whatever," you got up from the chair and left the room.
"Where are you going?"
"Cooking dinner!" You shouted as you climbed down the stairs.
You cooked yet another delicious dinner and he started to think you were bragging about your cooking skills to him, forcing him to admit that you are indeed a great cook.
"Can you listen to this?" He walked up to you as soon as he finished doing the dishes.
You put both feet up on the sofa, "is this the track you're working on?"
He nodded and offered you the headphone, plopped down next to you on the sofa then pressed play.
He intently watched your face for any microexpression as you listened to the track he had been working on but you looked rather serious, it was hard to guess if you like it or not.
The song finished and you took the headphone off.
"So?" He asked, the question mark was heavy with anticipation.
"It's good," you answered.
He pouted because you said it with a plain face, "be honest!"
"I like it," you convinced him.
He shot you a glare, "you're lying," he sulked like a little kid.
You stood on the sofa and started rapping his song, a snippet that you memorize from the song you just listened to, and sang gibberish for the rest of it, along with the excessive rapper style you performed for him.
Changbin burst out laughing and held your feet, sending you to fall on the sofa, laughing along with him.
When the waves of laughter died down, your eyes locked in a gaze and the sofa felt like it suddenly shrank in size.
"Should we kiss?" You asked.
It should come out like a surprise to him, but funny enough, he always thought the question would eventually out whether it was from you or him.
It was only about time.
"Yeah," he sheepishly smiled and nodded.
You leaned in and kissed him, but it was rushed and he wasn't prepared, you both cracked a laugh almost at the same time.
"We can do better than that," you said while still laughing.
Changbin agreed so he took the initiative, he placed his hands on your jaws and slowly brought his face close to yours.
He then softly pressed his lips on yours and kissed you so tenderly like you would crack if he kissed you too hard.
The idea of having his daydream become reality was a lot to process yet his body seemed to know what to do as it fed on his need.
"Better?" He asked as he pulled away from the kiss.
You stifled a nod.
"Then that means I should keep going, right?"
You nodded again while grinning.
This time Changbin put a hand behind your head and leaned in, pressing another kiss that was a little selfish, a little impatient with a lot of passion like he was trying to quench his thirst with it.
The way your lips melt onto each other only proved how much you both yearn for it, the way your lips endlessly brushed over each other's, and exchanged a contented sigh in the middle.
But what was more captivating was looking at your beautiful face after pulling away from the kiss, your eyes were still closed and your lips curved into a lovely smile.
"That wasn't bad at all!" You exclaimed.
And he agreed.
He used to think that it would be awkward to kiss someone he knew for years, it only made sense once he realized that he had been in love with you long before this.
He pecked your lips, already addicted to the taste of it.
"Not bad at all!" He repeated and kissed you again, making you giggle against his lips.
At the end of the night, you both walked up the stairs together ready for bed. Before he goes back to his room, you grabbed his hand.
"I'll wait for you in my bedroom," you said to him.
Changbin got flustered all of a sudden, his mind thought of so many things at once.
There was a few seconds of silence hung in the air.
"Your room then?" You asked again because it started to get awkward.
"You want to... sleep with me?" He stammered, afraid that he mistook your invitation.
"No?"
"No!" He strongly denied it and raised his voice without he intended to.
"Yes!" He changed his answer and then got completely baffled by his own words, nervous.
"I mean yes, we can sleep together." He trailed his words, not sure what he said.
You laughed at how flustered he got, "I'll wait in my room then," you said then let go of his hand to enter your bedroom.
Changbin paced in his bedroom, unable to think straight that he couldn't decide on what to wear.
When he finally gathered his thoughts and enough guts to enter your bedroom, you were lathering your legs with lotion on the bed.
You looked up at him and smiled, he instantly melted and thinking of turning around, walked back to his room.
"I usually sleep on this side!" You said to him then patted the pillow on the left side of the bed, "you can sleep on this side!"
Changbin awkwardly walked to the bed and climbed onto the bed, sitting on the far edge of the bed.
"I'm not infectious," you poked fun at him, pulling him by the sleeve of his t-shirt to get closer to the middle of the bed.
"I'm not saying anything!" He immediately responded.
"That's the problem. You always have a say about everything," you said, also scooted closer to him, and sat with your back against the headboard of the bed.
"You're so quiet now, it's concerning!"
Changbin stifled a laugh and he knew he was caught, he couldn't lie through it.
"I'm just a little..." he couldn't find a word to describe what he felt at that moment and left the sentence hung in the air unfinished.
He was nervous.
How could he not when he lay next to you, under the same duvet and there were merely less than three layers of clothing between your body and his?
You took a book from your bedside table and flipped it open to the bookmarked page, "can I read you something?" You asked.
"Sure!" He answered. He felt thankful though that you always know how to make him comfortable in any situation that he trapped himself in.
You held the book with one hand and put the other hand on his forearm, you took a deep breath then started reading.
"Good evening," said the little prince courteously.
"Good evening," said the snake.
"What planet is this on which I have come down?" asked the little prince.
"This is the Earth; this is Africa," the snake answered.
"Ah! Then there are no people on the Earth?"
"This is the desert. There are no people in the desert. The Earth is large," said the snake.
The little prince sat down on a stone and raised his eyes toward the sky.
"I wonder," he said, "whether the stars are set alight in heaven so that one day each one of us may find his own again . . . Look at my planet. It is right there above us. But how far away it is!"
"It is beautiful," the snake said. "What has brought you here?"
"I have been having some trouble with a flower," said the little prince.
"Ah!" said the snake.
And they were both silent.
"Where are the men?" the little prince, at last, took up the conversation again. "It is a little lonely in the desert . . ."
"It is also lonely among men," the snake said.
He didn't know how he fell asleep but he was sure it was your soothing voice that slowly lulled him to sleep. When he woke up in the middle of the night, you weren't lying next to him but he saw the bathroom lights were turned on and heard the water running.
He got up but just enough to see you standing in front of the sink and taking something, a medicine then washed it down with a glass of water.
You walked out of the bathroom not long after and noticed he was awake.
"Why are you awake?" You asked.
"Because you're not on the bed," he answered and he couldn't be more honest than that.
You softly smiled at him and went under the duvet with him.
"Are you sick?"
"Huh?"
"I saw you taking a medicine," he said.
You seemed surprised that he knew about it, "I'm having a headache," you replied then took his arm so you can rest your head on it.
"Are you okay?" He asked, worried. He had never seen or heard you complaining about having a headache before.
You nodded and nestled your head on the crook of his neck, "I'm okay. No need to worry," you assured.
Your hand reached for his chin and turned his head at you, slowly pressing your lips on his.
The kiss was soft, long, and lingering like you were seeking something more than the physical sensation of it.
You pulled away with a low sigh, "you're so warm," you whispered, putting a hand across his chest.
Changbin likes compliments, especially when they're coming from you. He shifted on the bed so he could hold you, wrapped you in a tight hug, and his lips searched for you in the dark.
Without you needing to control it, you leaned in close for him so he could kiss you.
He took your upper lip, your lower lip next, then he used a little tongue as he kissed you again and after that, he parted your mouth open and kissed it with the same amount of passion as the first time he kissed you.
It was a little less quiet with the smooching sounds filling the dead air in the room, followed by your low sighs and little giggles.
In the dark, you were just as lovely.
In the dark, you and he could make heaven together.
-
He woke up to your face looming above him and on that beautiful face, a smile grew on your face as you saw him awake.
"Good morning!" You greeted him, your index finger trailed his strong and defined jaw.
"Morning," he mumbled, he stopped shifting on the bed as he felt your body resting on top of him.
"I'm afraid you have to have cereal for breakfast again," you informed him.
He rubbed his eyes to take a clearer look at you, glowing under the morning sun that shone through the window.
"You have a meeting?" He guessed because you rarely go out except it's for something important such as work.
You nodded.
He turned his head at the clock on the bedside table and saw it was still early, "it's only 7 am," he mumbled.
"I know," you responded then without warning, pressed a kiss on his lips.
It didn't take him long to respond, kissing you back and holding you close, his hands went all over you and yours on him.
His hand unintentionally brushed over your nipple poking through your thin camisole and immediately removed his hand from you.
You were quick to catch it without stopping kissing him, put his hand back on you, and slipped it under the camisole. He rested his hand still on the skin of your stomach but as the kiss continued, his hand started to wander around.
You took it that he permitted you to touch him as well, going under his dark t-shirt and touching his firm muscles contracted under your touch.
It baffled him that the more he kisses you, the more he won't stop.
He pulled you until you lay on top of him with your breasts squashed between your chests, his hands went down to admire the arch of your back and landed on your backside as it was only covered by the fabric of your lacey boy shorts.
He liked having your weight pressed against him like he could feel all of you even to the parts he couldn't touch.
Running out of breath, you pulled away from the kiss and hovered above him.
He put the strands of hair covering your face and put it to the side of your face, holding it there.
Changbin took a moment to admire how beautiful you were to him, barefaced with no specks of flaw. You are perfect for him.
Words wouldn't do justice to describe your beauty, it prevails what his brain could comprehend.
He kissed you instead in the hope that you would get how much he adores you.
You broke the kiss with a low gasp, "Let's continue this later," you said to him.
Changbin's mouth agape with his lips wet, "okay,"
You gave his lips a peck on the lips then got off of the bed, walked to the bathroom, and stopped by the doorway, "don't set the house on fire while I'm away, okay?"
Changbin held on to your promise to get him through the day, working on his music until he lost track of time.
He didn't know how long your meeting was going to take but it was dinner time and you weren't home yet.
You didn't send him any messages or give him a call, that was what worries him a lot.
It would be fine if the meeting took the whole day but that's likely to happen and he didn't want to think of any other possibilities than that.
To be safe, he called your agent's number from the pile of name cards stuck to the door of the fridge.
He didn't want to sound panicked but your agent calmed him down the second he explained the situation to her.
He got more panic when she let him know that you already left her office this afternoon.
He called your phone again but to his shit luck, he got connected to voice-mail.
The thoughts that he tried to resist, spread into his head like a wildfire and he lost the last grasp of his rational thinking. He ran upstairs and get dressed, he didn't know where to look for you but it's much better than just staying at home waiting for you to come home.
He put on his jacket as he walked down the stairs only to find you already on the threshold, bending down to take your shoes off.
"Are you going somewhere?" You asked him as you took a few bags from the floor and went inside.
Changbin badly wanted to scream at you for scaring the shit out of him but what he did was run towards you, then pulled you into a hug.
He let out a long sigh of relief with his hands wrapped tight around you.
"Are you mad?" You asked, utterly confused.
He didn't answer but pushed his head close to your neck, he never felt this relieved from having someone's presence in his life.
You dropped the plastic bags down on the floor again to hug him back, "I'm sorry for being out so long. I went to the bookstore after meeting then I queued to buy us dinner," you explained all the while your hands were rubbing his back.
Softly you slipped your hand into his hair and angled his head, "I'm sorry," you sincerely said.
You kissed him on the lips as a way to prove how sorry you were for him, kissed him so tenderly to soften him.
"Can we eat dinner now? I'm hungry," you said with a grin.
He obviously couldn't say no if you asked him so nicely and that kiss made all the worries he had a minute ago disappeared into thin air.
"Stop being mad. I already apologized," you whined as he ate his dinner in silence and kept avoiding your gaze.
Changbin couldn't stay quiet long, he has so much to say to you and the first thing that came out was his nag.
"At least can you pick up the phone when I call you?" He sounded so bitter, so upset that he could feel his head heating up.
"I am so sorry. My phone ran out of battery," you apologized and tried to explain to him for the dozenth of time why you were out of reach the whole day.
He didn't say anything but kept his full lips forming a subtle pout.
You giggled while taking another piece of dumpling from the plate.
"What's so funny?" He asked, slightly annoyed.
"I thought you were mad because of my promise," you answered with a sly smile.
He looked down, his cheeks suddenly heating from the remainder of your promise from this morning.
Changbin kept sulking even when he was doing the dishes, his shoulder tense even when your hands were resting on his back, standing close behind him.
"Honey," you softly called with your mouth close to his ear.
"I'm going upstairs to shower," you said.
Your hands moved to his waist and wrapped them around him for a few seconds before letting go.
He watched you climbing the stairs through the reflection on the window glass, how your hips swayed with every step you take, and your ponytail swinging along with the motions.
The buzzing sound of a hairdryer welcomed him as he entered your bedroom.
The door of your bathroom was left open and he saw you standing in your sleeping attire of camisole and boy shorts in front of the mirror with your hair flying around from the dryer.
Once you finished, the silence took over again.
Changbin sat on the edge of your bed when he saw you walked out of the bathroom, didn't wait to come up to him, and sat on his lap.
He didn't want to forgive you easily, he reclined on the bed with his hands propped behind him.
You stifled a laugh, understood that he was still mad.
"Make any cool raps today?" You playfully asked him while playing with lint on the frayed sleeve of his t-shirt
He gave you a shrug but also nodded.
"How was the meeting?" He asked back.
You placed your hands on his shoulders and sighed, "they don't like it," you said.
"They don't like the book I'm working on. They want me to drop it and make something new entirely," you sadly said.
It was hard for him to keep being mad when he knew you need his support in a time like this.
"What are you going to do then?" He asked, back to sitting and putting his hands on your knees.
"I don't know," you honestly answered.
Your head hung low and you seemed sad, he decided to stop being childish.
He softly pinched your cheek, then caressed it, "do what you think is right," he suggested.
"Whether it's continuing your book or starting a new one," he added, cupping your jaw and forcing you to look at him.
You put your hand on his and smiled, "I don't want to talk about it," you grumbled.
You looked into his eyes and he could see the mischief in them, "I want to continue what we did this morning," you said.
Was it him or did your voice just dropped lower than before?
"I think I know where to continue," you said as your hands tugged at the hem of your camisole, then pulled it off of you.
Changbin didn't expect things to turn 180° in a span of a few minutes where his cock suddenly twitched inside his pants with your ass seated exactly on top of his crotch.
Then your breasts, hanging on your chest for his eyes to feast on and ogle at.
Ans not to mention, they were for his eyes only.
He moved his hands up to your ribcage and gently squeezed, "you're not so bad," he teased with that sly smirk on his face.
"Yeah?" You raised an eyebrow at him.
"Then why aren't you touching them?" You asked because all he did was look at you and his hands hadn't been moving anywhere.
You ended up taking his hands and putting them on your breasts, kneading them together with him.
"Not bad, huh?" You teased him.
He swallowed air and slowly moved his hands, kneading on your breasts as you tugged on his dark t-shirt and took it off of him.
Your lips found each other in a second, lathered in a titillating kiss and you slowly pushed him down the bed until he lay underneath you.
You let go of the kiss to move, straddled him by his stomach, and trailed the outline of his magnificent muscles before sitting on it.
He lay a hand on your sternum and softly slid it down your chest, sighing in awe at the sight of you.
"Not bad at all," he murmured to you with yet another sly smile.
You giggled and lowered yourself on top of him, just the perfect position with your breasts hanging right in front of his face.
Changbin opened his mouth to have them straight in his mouth, sucking on them in turns, and pushed them to the middle so he could lick both nipples at once.
He made a trail of kisses across your chest next and down the valley of your breasts to your stomach.
He stopped to catch a breath and looked up at you looming just a few inches above him.
"You're so gorgeous," he said with a dreamy sigh as his hands went down your backside to cup your ass. It amazed him how the flesh molded into his hands making him couldn't stop squeezing it.
You giggled again and pressed a brief kiss on his lips, taking a fistful of his t-shirt and impatiently taking it off of him. You bit your lower lip at the sight of his muscular body wrapped in that honey skin that emits warmth, inviting you to touch.
"My my!" You exclaimed with a low hiss.
Your eyes followed your hand touching his sculpted muscles and making you tingle from the inside, you were never crazy about them until then.
"You should stop going to the gym," you joked at him.
Then all of a sudden, he lifted your body and held it in the air so easily like he picked up a kitten.
"Well, I still can do this, right?" He asked as he held you up in the air.
He then put you down and pinned you under, his big arms caging you but it got you excited for what he would do next.
He buried his head in your neck and kissed you there, his mouth ferociously nibbling on your skin, making you giggle and moan at the same time.
While he was busy kissing you, you used the opportunity to work open his jeans and put your hand inside his underwear, "My God!" You gasped at how big he is and it wasn't fully erect yet.
Changbin put on a cocky smile, one corner of his mouth raised higher than the other. His hand went lower and headed toward your clothed core.
"I want you to know that," you paused to pull his whole length out of his boxer and began stroking it, "I haven't had sex in a long time," you finished.
Changbin licked his lips as his fingers circled your clit against the fabric of your underwear, "you can't be that bad," he said to you.
You shook your head, "it's not that," you told him, your thumb teasing his slit and lightly circling his tip.
You looked at his face with his mouth slightly parted open, drunk from your fluttering touches.
"It means that once wouldn't be enough for me," you shamelessly told him.
Your remark took him by surprise.
He was not only aroused but excited, like your words somehow revived him whole, making him feel more alive than before.
He couldn't answer without stuttering but responded by putting his underwear to the side to expose your heating core.
It only took a few seconds to make his fingers wet with your essence and the more he teased, the more drenched you got.
He carefully inserted one finger into you, drew it out, and added another finger in. He pumped a few times and got you lowly moaning.
"These are just my fingers," he said in a whispery voice to you.
He leaned in close and gave you an open-mouthed kiss, "and you already feel so tight," he added.
He sucked on your lower lip until it got swollen, "how are you going to take my cock, mmh?"
You seductively giggled, "try me, Bin!" You dared him and opened your legs wider. You arched your back and brought his cock close, then ran it down your wet heat repeatedly.
You instantly felt it, the urge to be inside each other as you moaned into each other's face. You waited on who will surrender first, whose desire was greater and uncontrollable, whose between the two of you would likely snap easily.
All you got to do was wait it out and played along with him, teasing him by guiding his cock to your entrance but not letting him enter yet. It was rather a dangerous game but you were sure you have better self-control than him.
It didn't take long to prove your words right.
"Fuck it!" He cursed out loud and rushed to pull your underwear down your legs.
Changbin got defeated by his lack of self-control, the urge to be inside you got stronger as he saw your legs spread so wide for him.
"I'm on the pill," you whispered to his ear with your lips grazing his ear as you spoke.
He swallowed. It was the last thing he wanted to hear if he wasn't so overwhelmed already, his breathing became erratic.
Changbin started to align his cock at your entrance as you arched your back, impatiently waiting for him to be inside you.
Carefully he pushed his length inside and continuously groaned the whole time he went deeper inside you, his hand fisting the sheet next to your head.
"Mmh... yeah..." you hummed with your eyes closed, your breathing quickened from trying to contain all of your cries from the pain of taking his size while adjusting yourself to it.
"Yes... mmh... so good," you hummed again with your eyes closed in the hope to heighten the other senses and feeling only his cock inside you.
Changbin had his eyes screwed shut with his mouth agape but no words coming out of it. He became motionless and still trying to process it, his eyes lingered on his cock disappeared inside you.
"Bin, baby?" You called.
It took him a second to answer your call, "yeah?"
"See? I'm taking you well," you told him with a sly smile.
He smirked and lowered his mouth on you while you squirm underneath him, pulling your knees up just enough to launch him deeper.
He groaned in response, stilled with his mouth on you, "you want me to cum too fast?"
You softly giggled and gently bit his full lips, "I'll give you a pass since this is our first time," you said.
And he liked how you say it.
First time.
He wasn't entirely focused on those two words but on the promise the words carried, that there'll be more after the first.
You tangled your hand in his hair then realized that you never looked at him this up close, and he's so beautiful.
You brought your mouth close and kissed him, somehow it ended up with him kissing you down your pillow.
As the kisses helped him to compose himself, he finally started moving at a slow, steady pace.
The slow drag of his cock against your velvety walls, the breathy voice you used to call his name in between your moans, and the way your hair fell around the pillow as he looked down at you caged between his big arms.
You seemed so small under him, he felt the sense to protect you and weirdly enough, ruin you at the same time.
"Harder!" You whispered.
And that seemed to break whatever was holding him back so he let go.
His hips incessantly thrust into you as fast as he could, as shallow as possible then froze in place when he knew he was on the brink of his orgasm.
He was glad that you were already cumming around him, sucking him in deeper, and gave him just the right stimuli to do one last thrust that made him explode, sending him soaring high to cloud nine.
He dragged himself out of you to not stay weighing on top of you, he hissed the moment he saw his cum soaked your cunt in his milky white seed.
Your hand reached for his stomach and dropped down to hold his cock, put it inside you again.
"Stay inside me," you mumbled and pulled him close, wrapping your legs around him with your hands around his neck.
He decided to put all of his weight to one side by propping an arm next to you, "I'm heavy," he said to you with a soft caress on your cheek.
You smiled with your eyes closed, "I know," you replied and nestled your head in the crook of his neck, "just for a moment," you said.
You searched for his mouth to land a soft kiss, "until we're ready for the second round," you said with a giggle.
It had been quite a while for him too, being with someone, physical and emotional wise but he loved how you didn't make it feel awkward at all. It felt as if everything unfolded naturally.
And you touched him the right way, moved against him just exactly how he likes it, with your hands on his chest and hips pulsating, going in and out of him.
"I should have taken your exercise seriously," you said between your pants.
He pulled you down by your elbow so he could kiss you, "it's going to be leg day tomorrow then," he said.
You cracked a laugh and kissed him back, cupping his cheeks with your hands.
And he suddenly started bucking his hips from under you, making you gasp against his mouth and gripping his shoulders.
"You show off!" You sneered at him and kissed him more.
You synced your bodies together and created just the ideal dynamic that elevated the whole sexual experience and the sensation.
Your hand intertwined as you kept moving and pushing your limit while crying in pleasure but his hands were there to guide you through the way and brought him to his high.
To say that he enjoyed it would be an understatement, he lived every second of it and luxuriate in it, basking himself in a slice of heaven's delight.
He fell into a dreamless sleep for his reality made it impossible to dream something better than this.
-
Your eyes were heavy with sleep but the smell of something burning stung your nose. With a groan, you reluctantly got up and off the bed, picking up a t-shirt laying on the floor as you exited the bedroom.
You put the t-shirt on as you slowly descend the stairs, following the burning smell that seemed to come from the kitchen.
You kind of already guess what was happening and rubbed your forehead when your guess was true.
"What are you doing?" You asked him as he flipped the already burnt egg on the pan.
"Cooking breakfast," he innocently answered, then took another egg.
You pointed to the toaster, "the toasts!"
He turned around to get the charred toast and forgot about the egg, sending it rolling down the counter, sending it splattering on the kitchen floor.
You sighed and went behind the counter, turning off the stove, and just stood there looking at the chaos with him standing in the middle of it.
He grimaced, it was clear that his attempt at cooking was failing. His shoulders slumped in defeat with his lower lip jutted out.
You started chuckling because he started to look like a kid about being scolded. He followed suit, chuckling while looking at the mess he made.
The two of you worked together to clean up the mess and made bowls of cereal, eating it on the sofa in the living room.
Changbin sitting on the opposite end of the sofa, shot you a smile looking at you wearing his t-shirt and you teased his thighs with your foot, rubbed so smoothly as it inches closer to his crotch.
He glared at you when you got too close and you retreated your foot back, giggling, and back to sitting with your knees up on the other end.
He put his bowl away and pulled your feet back, placing them on his lap, "are you going to work on some drawings today?"
You bit your spoon and put it back in the bowl, "I don't know," you answered.
"I still can't decide to start anew or push my ideas in..." the doubt made you trail your words and aimlessly stir the milk in your bowl with the spoon.
Changbin moved his hands until they rested on your calves and gently massaged them, "you'll figure it out," he tried to comfort you.
But his words didn't comfort you enough. He saw you mostly spacing out on your desk or scribbling something on your sketchbook, he picked the right time to intervene.
"Let's go have lunch out!" He said, gently massaging your shoulders.
You reclined on your chair until your head tipped upward and met his gaze, holding his hands you smile and said, "give me a minute to change my clothes."
"Okay," he said.
"Okay," you repeated with a smile.
He liked how your smile can instantly put him at ease, with your lips only a kiss away he couldn't help but plant a long, upside-down one.
Your mood turned slightly better after lunch, if he took you home now, you would only sulk in your work again so he grabbed your hand, stopping you from going to the car.
"Let's spend the rest of the day out!" He said with a bright smile.
"But it's cold!" You said while clutching your coat together.
He pulled you and made you walk at his pace, half jogging to wherever he was taking you.
"Let's make a bet!"
You took a bowling ball in sapphire blue color and lifted it in one hand, "what kind of bet?"
"An extraordinary one."
His proposal got one of your eyebrows raised.
"If you lose, you have to make me a character in your book," he elaborated with a smirk on his face.
"And if you lose?" You put down the bowling ball and turned at him to put on a challenging face.
"I'll write a song about you," he answered with such coy.
You stifled a laugh and played with a row of bowling balls in various striking colors.
"So?" He asked when you were still considering but it seemed to him that you would reject it.
Changbin came up with something to provoke you, taking a bowling ball and striking a bowling pose, "are you afraid of losing?"
You snorted, "no!" You replied rather too quickly.
"Do you take the bet or not?" He asked again, straight to the case because when it comes to a bet, Changbin going all in or nothing.
"Yeah, sure," you answered with a shrug and he believed you were planning not to take it.
With a wry smile, he let you take the first turn and let the game begins.
-
You elbowed him as he blanked out reading the menu, "Bin, are you going to order?"
He blinked his eyes at you a few times, not fully out of his head yet. You ordered him his usual for dinner and sent the server back with the menu.
"If I knew that you would take it hard, I would have given it up for you," you said, propping your clasped hands under your chin.
He shook his head and laughed it off, "I'm good," he convinced you.
Changbin was still processing his loss, you beat him in a sport that he's really good and confidently playing at, but turned out, that luck was not on his side that day.
You beat him fair and square, in conclusion, you won the bet.
"Do not worry, I'll give you plenty of inspiration for the song," you teased him.
If Changbin knew the inspiration you would give him were in the form of touches and kisses, he wouldn't feel so bad about losing.
After unlocking the door in a rush while he kissed your neck and shoulders, you both stumbled inside then his impatient self took you upstairs.
He was losing but you were a winning trophy to him.
Oh, how he liked hearing your pretty noises muffled by the pillow as he gently pounded you from behind, a pillow under your hips to provide more depth, more pleasure to both of you.
He made sure to always put you first and you were enjoying it as much as he did, he put a hand around your neck and slightly tilted your head upward.
"You feel so good," he murmured at you with a haste kiss on the mouth.
You shot him a blissful smile, your hand looped around his neck, "so good, Bin!" You said back, tugging at his hair a bit too hard.
He took your other hand in his and clasped it together on the bed as he needed something to hold on to, to keep him grounded and tether him with the reality that it was all happening: he's with the girl who made him feel all sorts of feelings he never felt before, the girl who is broken and whole, flawed and perfect. A girl he wanted to love completely and openly without asking for anything in return.
"Open your eyes!" His voice was whispery.
You did without saying anything, batting your eyelashes a few times to finally find his eyes and held his gaze.
"I love you," he muttered, the words out but his heart expanded twice its size.
You kissed him and took a deep breath, filling your lungs with oxygen for it will run out in a few seconds as you said the words back to him, unequivocally.
"I love you, Bin," your lips brushed his as you spoke.
He could feel his smile against your lips and the warm feelings pouring out of you, onto the sheet you shared, on the bed where you held each other close to set each other free.
-
"Breath in through your nose and out of your mouth," he instructed as you were exercising on gym equipment he insisted on you try.
He held your wrists next and started guiding you to pull the weight, carefully observing your movements while making sure your posture was correct.
"I think I get the hang of it," you said as a way to tell him you can do it on your own.
He chose to ignore it and placed a hand on the small of your back, "straighten your back!" He reminded.
You turned your head to the side to shoot him a puzzled look since you were certain you took his instructions well and kept your posture correctly.
He sat behind you on the bench and pulled the weight together with you.
You scoffed at him, "not in the gym too!"
He caught a reflection of himself foolishly smiling back at him. He made it obvious that he craves your body despite having you hours ago, splayed naked for him to touch as much as he wanted.
There was just something about you in that tight workout attire that exposed some skin, a sheen of sweat coating your skin especially knowing how soft your skin feels under his touch.
He couldn't escape the thought of having you again, on his mouth, around his fingers, around his cock as it started to throb and he knew he shouldn't think these thoughts or else he would expose himself.
You stopped exercising and turned just enough to look at him, "Let's just exercise on our own," you suggested, placing a quick peck on his lips before leaving to the other part of the gym.
Apart from the little problem back in the gym and the grey weather outside, the day turned out right. After having lunch together, you started working on some new drawings and were working hard at it until someone rang the doorbell.
Changbin voluntarily made a run downstairs and opened the door.
He didn't recognize the person until she introduced herself.
Changbin didn't want to be rude and eavesdrop on your talk with your agent in the workroom.
He waited in the living room and fought the urge to be a nosy person, the urge to run there and be with you.
He shifted his attention elsewhere, went to the kitchen, and started ordering food for dinner, it took him more than an hour to decide on one because he couldn't focus on the task.
During dinner you stayed quiet ever since your agent left the house, you stirred your food and only finished half of your plate when Changbin had done with his.
"You don't like the food I ordered?"
You shook your head, "No," you replied with a thin smile.
He wanted to know all about the talk you had with your agent but at the same time, he didn't want to force the topic on you.
He came up with something else to lighten up your mood, "How about a movie after this?"
"Only if I get to pick the movie," you replied.
"Of course!"
You picked a drama movie that needed a laser focus but both of you were out of it to truly enjoy it. You were thinking so hard on your own while Changbin was concerned for you.
When the movie ended, none of you move and you kept resting your head on his shoulder.
You sniffled and Changbin peered to look at you.
"Are you crying?" He asked and he meant it in a playful way to tease you.
You lifted your head and looked at him, tears wetting both of your cheeks.
"You're crying," he said, hurriedly putting a hand around your shoulder and trying to comfort you.
"Why are you crying?"
"The movie," you shortly answered.
"It ended with a happy ending so why are you crying?" He asked, genuinely curious.
"Because I know that happiness is fleeting. They might be happy at the end of the movie, but after that?" You elaborated your irrational concern over a piece of a fictional story.
It was sad but also cute seeing you like this, he pulled you into a hug.
"Yes, you are right to say happiness is fleeting. But guess what? Sadness is fleeting too."
Changbin talked slowly and endearingly to avoid sounding like he was preaching to you.
"We are never fully happy nor fully sad but we can't have one without the other," he said again with his hand rubbing up and down your arm.
You stopped crying, then put your hand around his neck with your head on his chest, seeking warmth and comfort from him.
There are times when you looked strong, almost formidable even. The fact that you've been living alone and have been doing everything yourself, earned a respect from him.
Then, there were times when you stripped all of your exteriors until there was just you. Pure, delicate, and very fragile. The pearl inside that tough shell.
He hadn't gone that far nor did he believe he would get to see that, but as he held you close on the sofa like this, he felt like he has just got a small peek at it.
-
These past few days felt like a blur.
You were busy with your drawings and he was busy with his tracks, he had to go back and forth to the studio to work on them with proper equipment.
You didn't mind, of course, you lend him your car and he promised to be back soon except that his promise could only go as far as his work let him.
When he came home, you were also still cooped up in the workroom and stayed up late working on your drawings.
And he thought you probably had been living like this when you were still living alone.
You put on a smile when you noticed him entering the room looking just as exhausted as you were.
"Why aren't you sleeping?" He asked, standing behind your chair and putting his hands around your neck, planting a kiss on top of your head.
"I have to finish this bit," you replied, reclining on your chair and letting him bury his head in the crook of your neck.
With his mouth pushed close to your ear, he asked, "Let's go to bed, mmh?"
He nuzzled his nose on your neck, making you softly giggle, "I don't want to go to bed alone," he added.
He easily persuaded you, moreover because you were tired as well. You nodded and held his hand, letting him lead you to the bedroom.
You washed up a little bit while Changbin already waiting on the bed for you, he saw you taking medicine and probably the same one you took every other day before bed.
"Are you not well?" He asked as you got under the cover with him.
"Just a little headache," you answered nonchalantly and scooted closer to him, resting a hand on his chest.
"Don't tell me that you skipped dinner again?" He squeezed your arm as he waited for your answer.
You didn't answer but quickly came up with something to stop from scolding you, "I promise that I won't skip dinner again," you said, kissing him on his cheek.
"And not staying up late?" He added to the promise.
"I promise," you answered.
But on another night, he found you were already sleeping alone on the bed that is too big in a house that is also too big for one person to live in it.
He got on and lay next to you and didn't hesitate to put his arms around you. He closed his eyes as he inhaled your scent which gave him a sense of comfort, longing, and home.
It surprised him that all of sudden you stirred in your sleep and not long after that, he heard you crying.
He wouldn't get panic if you were crying but your body started to shake as well, his first instinct was to wake you up, guessed that you were having a bad dream.
"Wake up!" He shook your body harder.
"Baby, wake up!" He tried again.
But you kept squeezing your eyes shut and started to sob, after a moment, you turned around and buried your head in his chest.
"Are you having a bad dream?" He asked even though he wasn't sure you were already awake or still sleeping.
You didn't answer but kept crying to him, crumpled the front of his top in your hands.
He held you close, rubbed your back, and kissed you so many times until you calmed down.
"It's just a bad dream!" He said repeatedly with a soothing voice and a kiss on your forehead, removing the hair that stuck to your face. It was a heart-wrenching sight to see that he felt a twinge in his heart, breaking.
Your eyes remained close but you had stopped crying, he kissed your tears-streaked cheek with so much loving, "Let's go back to sleep, mmh?"
You stayed quiet but nuzzled your head close to him, letting him hold you close to cuddle you back to sleep.
There you were, lying next to him, crying and being so vulnerable. But the most devastating part of it was that he couldn't do anything about it.
If only he could take your pain away, he would.
But would he be able to handle it? He never knows.
All that sadness seemed to magically vanish the next morning, he found you were taking something by the sink in the kitchen and washing it down with a glass of water.
"Headache again?" He guessed with his hoarse morning voice.
You smiled and walked up to him for a hug, to his surprise, and gave him a long, lingering kiss on his lips which he eagerly returned, there was nothing he likes more than making out in the morning.
"What's that for?" He asked when you pulled away.
He knew he shouldn't doubt your motives but he couldn't help but be curious.
"Why? I can't give my boyfriend a morning kiss?" You asked back while taking a cup of coffee from the coffee machine.
Changbin got flustered at the word boyfriend, heard you saying it just made it real for him, that the two of you were dating.
He put a hand around your waist and kissed your neck, making you laugh in response, almost sloshing the hot coffee in your cup.
"Changbin!" You called with a nagging voice.
"What? I can't give my girlfriend a morning kiss?" He asked back, poking fun at you.
The breakfast was already served on the dining table, Changbin sat on a chair across from you, who watched him eating while holding your coffee cup with both hands in front of you.
You looked so much yourself this morning, shyly smiling with your foot outstretched to his chair and rubbing over his thigh. It was like the girl who cried into his chest last night never happened or a total stranger.
"Why did you cry last night?" He asked.
"Me? Crying?" You asked with a questioning look on your face.
Changbin chuckled, he took it that maybe you were embarrassed to admit it.
"Was it a bad dream?"
Your foot inched closer to the bulge his cock made against his sweatpants, "maybe, I don't know. I don't even know that I cried," you said.
He grabbed your foot by the ankle and lifted it just enough that he could see the white underwear you were wearing under the pajama top.
He set your foot down and continued eating his breakfast.
You frowned and put your coffee cup down on the table, "you know this dining table has the perfect height," you stated.
Changbin tried to ignore your words but he sensed that his body would betray him soon.
Getting bolder, you walked up to him and sat on his lap, resting your head on his shoulder.
You softly laughed into his ear once you saw his glare.
"I can't even sit on your lap?" You innocently asked.
He ignored it again and drank his juice, maybe out of reflex, he put a hand around your waist without he intended to.
"Bin..." you called in a whispery voice.
"I miss you..." you seductively said with the sole purpose of seducing him.
"You rarely home lately," you sulked while pressing your mouth onto his neck.
You took his hand and guided it to your clothed core, heating against the flimsy fabric.
"I've been touching myself," you said, dragging your mouth close to his ear.
"But nothing comes close to when you're the one touching it," you said in a sultry voice.
Changbin couldn't pass the chance to spoil you and make you cum altogether, especially since you were the only person he wanted to please so badly and you praised him, being so needy for him pushed all the right buttons on him.
"You want me to touch you?" He asked, giving in to the temptations.
You nodded.
When it comes to pleasing you, he knows what to do. He gently traced your fold against the fabric, easily spotted your clit then gave it light touches in circular moves.
You squirmed on his lap and began touching yourself, cupping your breasts with your hands.
Changbin slid your underwear to the side, fingers wading your wet heat, and felt you up in fluttering touches. Your arched back, the curve of your ass, and the weight on your body made friction against his growing bulge, pulsating in desire.
He bit his lower lip with eyes intently looking at your face basking in pleasure from his two fingers going inside you.
"Do you like that?" He asked you while pressing a kiss on your temple.
"Mmh yeah," you managed to answer him despite lacking oxygen from constantly moaning.
You put your hands around his strong arms and twisted your head to meet his, locked lips with him as his fingers went in and out of you.
He curled his fingers inside you and easily found the sensitive spot, making you gasp into his kiss. He smirked ever so subtly, feeling proud to make you almost snap with a simple move.
"Bin," you whined, squeezing his bicep with your hand, "I want you inside me."
He pulled away from the kiss just enough to put a few inches of space, "am I not inside you enough?" He pushed his fingers deep to his knuckles, making you gasp again.
You shook your head, "Not enough," you whined with pouty lips.
He slowly drew his fingers out of you and showed the fingers coated with your juice to you, "You want me to fuck you on the dining table?"
You put those fingers inside your mouth and licked them clean, pulled them out of your mouth with a gasp.
"Yes, please?" you finally answered.
There was nothing he wanted more than to give you what you wanted, especially when you asked him nicely like that.
There were no games, no teasing, you simply asked him what you wanted and he'll give it to you.
"Get on the table for me then!" He ordered.
You gave him a haste kiss on the mouth before getting off his lap and sitting on the dining table in front of him.
Changbin followed, getting up from his chair and removing his t-shirt in one swift move.
You were unbuttoning your pajama top when he came up to you, leaning in for a kiss.
"Is this some kind of fantasy of yours?" He asked.
"Huh?"
"To have sex on the dining table?"
You laughed and put your hands on his waist, "maybe, yeah," you vaguely answered.
He kissed you again, hard and deep, while your hands pulled his sweatpants just enough to let out his throbbing cock and gently stroked it.
"We have to get it out of the way, right?" He said with a finger tugged at the elastic band of your underwear.
"Of course!"
You lifted your ass just enough to help him take off your underwear and pulled it down your legs, laughing at how he threw the piece of undergarment somewhere onto the floor.
You held him close, kissing his chest and his muscles wrapped in warm skin, "my big man!" You hummed as you planted kisses on the column of his throat.
He never knew he likes to be called that until you said it but the way you emphasized the ownership over him got his heart full to the brim with warm feelings.
"Come and fuck me on this dining table, big man!" You said while laughing, slightly reclining on the table with your legs open, ready to take him.
Gosh, how did you make him in love and aroused at the same time?
Changbin smeared the pre-cum leaking from the tip all over his length and stroked it a few times while kissing you down, his other hand rubbed down your thigh.
Your hand lingering around his neck and the other holding his arm, the crease between his eyebrows deepened as he focused on entering you.
"Oh my God," you breathlessly muttered, squeezing his shoulder.
Your head was thrown back while letting out a loud moan as he kept pushing until he buried to the hilt inside you.
Changbin couldn't deny the fact that he missed being inside you too, this feeling was not like the other. Your warm, velvety walls endlessly engulfed him in unadulterated pleasure.
He put your legs around his waist and gave you both a moment to adjust to each other, using the opportunity for more kissing, more touching, and more giggles in between.
"I told you, the dining table has the perfect height," you said with a cheeky smile.
He kissed your smile with a hand on the nape of your neck, keeping you still as he kissed you and slowly began to thrust into you.
Never had he dreamed of fucking a girl on the dining table where he was having his breakfast on. Let alone having a girl ask him to have sex first thing in the morning.
His hips steadily pounding into you, as deep and as shallow as he could.
And you were so alluring.
Your shirt slid down one arm, your hand gripped his shoulder, and moans spilled out of your mouth, calling his name once in a while in a needy tone.
Even if you couldn't tell him verbally, he could tell that you were enjoying it as much as he did from how your face looked.
"Harder, Bin, harder," you asked.
And he delivered.
He put his hands on each side of your hips and started pounding into you harder, sending him deeper into you.
"Oh fuck!" You let out a muffled curse, clenching around him while trying to hold the climax from coming in too soon.
"Just let go!" He told you, knowing that you couldn't hold it much longer from the way your walls fluttered around him and sucked him deeper.
Changbin couldn't hold himself much longer either, he almost lost it a few times, almost burst even.
The dining table slightly creaked and your coffee cup rattled from the excessive movements you both did on it.
"So close," you cried out, head deep into his neck.
Changbin didn't stop nor slow down, he kept moving and chasing until you both get to your high.
He indulged himself in a warm shower with you after, planting his mouth on you and drinking the water that ran down your skin.
"Are you also working in the studio today?" You asked, tilting your head to meet his gaze.
He pecked your glistening wet lips, "yeah," he answered.
You looked down and rested one side of your face on his chest.
He sensed that you wanted him not to leave, "or should I stay?" He asked, washing your hair by raking it with his fingers.
"No, it's okay. I'll be working on my drawings anyway," you said, kissing him on the lips with your hands roaming around his toned upper body.
He watched as you dried your hair in front of the mirror while you stared at your reflection only in your undergarments, one foot crossed the other by the ankle.
You looked beautiful as always but as he kept staring, he suddenly felt sad about leaving you again.
You disappeared to your closet and came out already dressed in a white sweater and dark leggings, applying a lip balm on your lips as you leaned down the vanity table to check how you looked.
He followed to where you headed, your workroom to get back to your drawings.
"Where are you going?" He asked, stopping you in your track.
You lingered by the doorway to the workroom, "working, of course!" You simply answered.
"And I'm leaving for work too," he said.
"So?"
"So?" He repeated with a gasp of disbelief and pouted, "Aren't we going to kiss before I leave?"
You pursed your lips and leaned against the doorway, "Uhm... Nah, I'm alright," you replied and tried to hold in your laughter, "Have a good day at work though!" You said, then went inside.
Changbin stood there in disappointment and waited, just in case you were joking but after a moment, he met another disappointment.
"I'm leaving then," he meekly said from the top of the stairs.
He didn't hear your reply and purposely stomped his foot down the step, "bye!" He shouted out loud and filled the house with his voice.
He then heard your laughter from the workroom, then you came out of the room, and walked in his direction.
"Come here you big cuddly man," you ran to him until your body crashed into him and he took you into his arms.
You kissed him hard where teeth and tongue clashed against each other.
You let go first but he was quick to capture your lips again and gave you a spin, making you squeal against his lips.
"Bye!" You said the second you let go of the kiss and put your feet down on the floor again.
Changbin didn't know why but as he cradled your face in his hands, he got the urge to tell you what he feels, what you made him feel.
"You know that I love you, right?" He asked, running his thumb over your lips.
There was a glint in your eyes that he couldn't quite decipher what was it that he saw for a split second before a smile rose on your face, "I know," you replied.
He tenderly kissed you with his heart full of his love for you no matter how much he said it to you.
"Don't skip your meals, okay?" He reminded you.
You nodded with a smile.
"Bye," he said again, couldn't help but planted a quick kiss on your cheek.
He climbed down the stairs and headed for the door, waving his hand at you.
There was nothing out of ordinary but he knew there was a slight change in you, he just couldn't pinpoint what it is, but it made him uneasy, it made him disinclined to leave you.
He looked at you again, waving your hand at him from the top of the stairs with that sweet smile on your face.
"I'll be back soon," he promised.
A promise that this time he would make sure to keep, then closed the door behind him.
-
"Hello, mom?" You asked through the phone with a hoarse voice.
"Hello honey," your mother answered your call.
"Oh, I was about to call you last night," she said, there were a lot of rustles from the other end and it seemed that your mother was in the middle of something.
"Are you busy?" You asked.
Your mother sighed and you could feel her heavy breath, "your sister has been under stress lately. She messed up her recital," she answered, sounding so weary.
"Ah," you beamed.
"Is she okay?" You asked.
"She's a little bit... upset but we'll manage," she answered, then changed.
There were a few seconds of silence and your mother cleared her throat before changing the subject.
"How are you, honey? Are you doing well? Are you eating well?" Your mother asked the same series of questions she would ask whenever the two of you have a phone call.
You gripped your phone and balled your hand into a fist on your lap, "I'm okay," you answered even though you were close to tears.
"I'm sorry that we rarely contact you," your mother apologized, "but your sister rather needs our help now," she explained.
You swallowed a lump in your throat as far down and fought it from rising to your throat, "I understand," you said.
"I'll have your dad call you later, okay?"
"Okay," you shortly replied.
"Love you, honey! Bye!"
And before you could answer, the line was already dead.
Your hand dropped to your side and stared down at your drawings, scribbles of nothing but failures.
You put your legs up and hugged your knees close, feeling so small in the vast of your own house, in the dark that was about to engulf you in it.
You opened your journal and flipped to that day's date, unable to find something to write, something meaningful, a reason why you shouldn't let the darkness take you.
But you couldn't find any.
It had been like that for the past few days, it got worse when Changbin wasn't around and left you with your thoughts.
You turned your chair to see the day had turned to night, a hand outstretched to turn on the desk lamp but you retreated, maybe it was better to give in and stayed there in the dark.
You didn't know for how long you've been fighting with yourself, this inner demon that tells you to give up and surrender, completely.
But you knew what it felt like.
It felt like trying to swim with a stone tied to your feet and every day you asked yourself if you would ever make it ashore, you kept swimming but the sea is so vast, endless and the shore kept getting away from your reach.
You kept swallowing water on what you thought was air and it kept weighing you down.
And it seemed like you get to the point that swimming became meaningless, there was no use in trying anymore.
It seemed as if the harder you swim, the faster you sink.
You were so close to giving it up when Changbin put his arms around you, pulled you out of the water, and reminded you to breathe.
He came right as you were about to drown, that was why you were crying. And you kept crying because you didn't know if you were grateful for it or he should have just let you, drop you back into the water.
But all he needed to know was that it was all just a bad dream and it will be gone soon.
All he needed to know was that you were still you, all smiles and playful, needy for him and craving his body so much, loves being physical and intimate with him.
All he needed to know was that you love him, love him too much that it made you sad.
He didn't need to know how broken you are and how you didn't deserve this much love from him, how impossible it was for you to return the love in the same amount.
"I'm leaving then!"
You heard him shout from outside the workroom while your fingers were gripping the pen after you wrote something in your journal.
I love him, you wrote. The pen made a deep puncture on the paper as you pressed the pen with so much force that it shakes.
"Bye!" He shouted again.
And you held in your tears.
You didn't want to leave like this, he deserved a proper goodbye.
You hurriedly dabbed the tears pooling in the corner of your eyes with the heel of your palm and dashed outside.
You saw him with one foot down the steps and ran to him, "Come here, you big cuddly man!" You said with the brightest smile.
You put all of your feelings and let them take over you, wholly and completely. You let him feel how much you love him through your kisses and he gave you a spin, making your heart leap.
But as much as your heart flutters, your heart hurts.
And he felt it too, that was why he gave you an affirmation.
"You know that I love you, right?"
Yes, and it hurts. You answered in your head but you responded with a nod instead, didn't want to make it harder than it already is.
"Don't skip your meals, okay?"
You nodded again because once you opened your mouth, your tears would get ahead of your words.
"Bye!" He said with a last kiss on your lips and it felt so bittersweet, tasted so much like parting.
"I'll be back soon," he said as he lingered by the door and you really hoped he did.
When the door closed, you dropped and sat on the step of the stairs, crying because that would be the last time you'll ever see him.
Your cries filled the space that echoed back the loneliness back to you and kept haunting you about how much you've been suffering all alone.
You waited and waited, counting down the time along to the sun slowly sinking into the horizon until its last sliver disappeared, then it'll be dark for you forever.
-
Changbin had been restless all day.
He kept reminding himself to go home soon and kept true to his words. He rejected his friends' offer for dinner and drink after working hours in the studio. He skipped everything and drove home, didn't even think of buying dinner on the way.
He just needed to see you.
When he arrived, the house was dark except for the lamps in the garden. His first thought was maybe you were too busy drawing and forgot to turn on the lights like you usually do.
He glanced up to the window of the workroom and found it dark as well, he hurriedly unlocked the door and went inside.
He called your name a few times but the silence answered him, he ran upstairs and went straight to your bedroom.
He almost couldn't believe it but he found white pills scattered on the bed, ones that you always took whenever you had a headache.
He thrashed the room and found you vomiting into the toilet bowl with your hand stuck to your throat.
"What are you doing?" He said in a panicked, concerned, and terror altogether.
You stuck your fingers deep into your throat until you gagged and everything came out, into the toilet bowl.
He saw all the white pills you vomited and that was when it hits him, that he failed.
He stood there frozen, unable to move and his ears were ringing. All he did was saw you crying and retching at once, head down the toilet bowl.
"Get me... to the..." you retched air with saliva dribbling down your chin, "hospital!" You finished your sentence with tears down your face and vomit all over your mouth.
He snapped out of his trance and fumbled for the phone in the back pocket of his jeans, he punched the emergency number, calling for an ambulance. He stuttered his words but managed to tell the operator the address to your house.
He put his phone away and immediately ran to your side, holding you close, so tight, and never letting go.
You were sobbing with his arms around your chest, "don't leave me alone with my thoughts," you cried to him.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he repeatedly said to you, holding you even tighter with all the regrets he had in him, for leaving you, for failing you, for not being there when you needed him the most.
He was there when you were taken into an ambulance and held your hand the whole ride to the hospital. He was there with you as you lay on the hospital bed after they pumped your stomach. He was there with you, holding your hand. He was there even though it was too late for him.
The doctor told him you wouldn't be awake for the next few hours and told him to go home. He decided to do so and packed some of your things for you.
But the grim welcomed him.
The house was exceptionally clean and in place, quiet and still. He went upstairs and wasn't ready to go to your bedroom yet, got reminded of what just happened a few hours ago.
He went to your workroom and it seemed like you tidied up well, because everything was in its place. There was a box on your desk, a box that he remembered you asked him to get from the cupboard a few weeks ago.
He went there and opened it, the contents were of random things, pictures, letters, and all sorts of mementos. He noticed there was a note under the lid.
Remember only the good things, you wrote on it.
There was no use in fighting back his tears so he let himself cry. His hand rummaged the bottom of the box to get your journal and went through page per page, even though he had seen your earlier entries.
But that was also when he realized that all the random things you wrote on them were the reasons why you didn't do it, what got you through the day. That only meant you've been in it long enough and he was stupid to realize it.
He went through the last few pages, the one he hadn't seen, and found it bare with nothing, not even a drop of ink on it.
But on the last one of that day, he saw your last entry.
I love him.
He collapsed onto your chair, reclined until his head tilted upward at the ceiling and crying out loud. The sound of his cries bounced back into him in the form of echoing regrets, a constant reminder that he failed, he failed miserably.
-
He stayed in the hospital with you, spent the whole day watching over you, and didn't let go of your hand even for a mere second.
You finally woke up at night, slowly turning your head at him and looking at him. Both of you have a lot of things and nothing to say at the same time for each other.
But his heart hurts every time the thought that he almost lost you forever a few hours ago and if you weren't told him to call for an ambulance, he would never be able to forgive himself for it. He cried again because it felt like this wouldn't happen if he stayed with you.
You grabbed his hand and squeezed, "I'm sorry," you croaked.
He hushed you and leaned in so close, caressing the side of your face with such tenderly like you were a fragile object that would break if he didn't handle you with care.
"I'm sorry," you said again, crying and wetting your cheeks with more tears.
He got on the bed even though it was too small for two people but he didn't care, he wanted to hold you close.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
You nodded.
He nodded along with you, rubbing your back and carefully not to mess up the IV drip on your hand.
"Are you in pain?" He asked, his voice breaking at the end of the sentence.
You shook your head then put your head in his chest, crying. He was wrong to ask you that, maybe your pain wasn't physical and visible to the eyes, maybe that was why he didn't see the pain you hide deep inside.
Changbin gathered his thoughts and calmed himself down, he tried to organize things to say to you in his head.
"I promise to learn to cook from now on," he said with a sad laugh.
"I promise that I'll never mistake café mocha for mocha latte again," he said, sniffled, and fought the urge to cry.
He paused to catch a breath, "I promise you that there'll be a sunrise that is more beautiful than the one we've seen weeks ago."
"I promise that I'll finish writing a song about you soon," he managed another sad laugh out of him and swallowed the lump building in his throat.
He dared himself to look you in the eyes, "I promise," he squeezed your hand so tight with both hands, "I promise that I'll never fail you again," he broke into tears no matter how much he held himself. His head dropped on the space next to your hand and uncontrollably sobbing, his body shook.
"I'm sorry I failed you," he said.
You held his head and could only do so much with the strength you had, gently caressing his head with your fingers slipped between his soft curls and crying together with him because the truth was you both failed each other.
A moment passed in silence, Changbin kissed your forehead and tilted your head so he could look at your face.
He sighed and his warm breath brushed your skin, "if only you can see yourself through my eyes," he pressed a kiss on your forehead, warm and tender like how his affection felt on you.
"you can see how much I adored you, how much I like your smiles, how you shine so bright when I look at you, how beautiful you are, how your eyes tenderly gaze at me," he said.
"I wish you know how much I love you," he sadly said.
"My love for you is so big that I wonder how my heart could fit all of it in there," he continued, holding your jaw before planting a soft kiss on your lips.
"Even bigger than all of my muscles," he joked.
You softly laughed while still crying into his chest, clutching a fistful of his shirt in your hand.
"I love you so much," he said again, his heart aching from saying it.
He kissed your lips and slowly pulled away, cradling your head in his hand.
"I want to get better," you admitted, fresh tears coming out of your eyes.
He pressed his forehead against yours while looking into your eyes, "and you will," he convinced you.
He wrapped you in a warm embrace, a warm and tight embrace to convince you, he knew it'll be not easy but he promised to always be there for you along the way.
A promise that he will keep close to his heart.
-
"I'm home!" You announced once you entered the house and got greeted by the smell of something burnt wafting around the house.
You didn't have to ask to know that Changbin once again almost set the kitchen on fire. You lightly shook your head watching him putting the charred pan into the sink and sizzling as he put it under the running water.
"What should we order for dinner?" You asked, leaning against the kitchen island at him.
He got startled seeing you there, "Oh, you're home!"
He came up to you and put a hand on your jaw to bring your head close for a kiss.
You let go but he hungrily pulled you for a kiss again, you had no other choice, not with his arms around you.
"So, how did it go?" He asked, knowing that you just came home from your doctor's appointment and he knew that sometimes it can be overwhelming for you.
"It went well," you answered with a smile and put your hands around his neck.
The kind of smile that he could see the crinkles in your eyes, full of warmth and affection, the smile that he likes so much. He kissed it because he wanted to capture it and holds on to it for a long time.
"I want burgers and cheese fries," you told him once you broke the kiss.
"Got it! I'll order it right away!" He said, leaning in to kiss you again.
You stopped him with your hands on his chest, "I should go change."
"And I'll order food!" He said, picking up his phone on the dining table.
With another peck, you left upstairs and went to your bedroom to change your clothes. Instead of going back downstairs after, you headed to your workroom and sat on your chair.
You picked up your journal and flipped the page to that day's date, you smiled spotting the familiar handwriting that isn't yours.
You held it up and read it out loud, letting the words fill the quiet room.
This morning I watched you sleeping for a minute. And do you know how beautiful you looked when you were sleeping and not making fun of my cooking skill? But what got me pissed is how beautiful you looked just by being still. No wait, your existence itself is a beautiful thing to me and a beautiful thing is never perfect. And I don't want perfect. I want a beautiful flawed thing like you, like me, like us. I want what we are. Forever. I love you.
You caught your reflection foolishly grinning back at you on a turned-off monitor of your computer. He had been doing this ever since you got back from the hospital, filling your journal with heartfelt words like this, words that bleed out of him and onto the paper, words that got you smiling and reminded you to be grateful for having him in your life.
And if only he knew how he was the last thing ran through your head when you were so to your last breathe and once again, pulled you out of the water. out of the bad decision that you would never take back again and had you run to take your life back.
You bit back your tears and read the words all over again, your heart overflowed with warm feelings that won't stop flowing as you read the words over and over again.
Well, until you heard him shouted from downstairs.
"Dinner is here!"
You wiped the tears you didn't know were on your cheeks and closed your journal, putting it back on the desk.
"Coming!" You shouted back.
You ran downstairs and walked up to him who was unpacking food from the paper bags, you sat on his lap helping him spread the food on the dining table.
You stole a fry and put it between your teeth, turning your head to his side so he could eat it from the opposite end.
You both started chewing until your lips met in the middle and laughed.
You held his face and kissed him, tasting the saltiness on his lips.
"I love you," you muttered to him while carrying all the feelings you had after reading his writing in your journal.
And you do want this. A not so perfect close but it comes close to something like it. You weren't that much bothered about perfect though. You're not perfect and so does he, all humans are. You were enough with this, with him, and with this love that you always think you don't deserve to receive. But you know what? You deserve it and so much more.
"I love you," he said back without a beat and kissed you again.
He broke the kiss and dragged the food in front of you, "the food is getting cold," he said, putting a halt to the kiss that slowly turned into a full-on make-out.
You ripped the wrapper and put a pack of ketchup inside the burger, a dollop got on your finger which you immediately licked clean.
Changbin saw what you did and cleared his throat, "want to know something?"
"Yeah?"
He smirked and licked his lips before answering, "this dining table has the perfect height."
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#stray kids smut#skz smut#changbin smut#seo changbin smut#skz changbin smut#changbin x reader#skz x reader#stray kids imagines#skz imagines#stray kids scenarios#skz scenarios#skz fics#skz fanfics#kpop smut#kpop fics#kpop fanfics#seospicy smut
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how do you get out of a bad writers block?? and what inspired u to get back into writing after ur hiatus?
Oof, I’m ngl that’s a bit of a difficult question for me to answer xmdkxkdnd for me at least, I wanted to write pretty much the entire time during my hiatus but I just couldn’t get my brain to function through the ✨ depression fog ✨ and even just opening up a word doc to force myself to write two sentences was extremely draining. My mental headspace just was not there. So what I did a lot of was read books.
I think I’ve read something like almost 60 books this year of different genres and topics - four out of five novels for the Court of Thorns and Roses series, Carrie by Stephen King, some old (really old xmxmdnd) Harlequin romance novels, a folk horror anthology, like six entries from the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series, etc, etc - and that helped me get back into the mindset of creative thinking. I found inspiration in these works, ideas I wanted to explore, things that left me disappointed with their execution and wanting to do better, and I sort of relearned how to string a narrative together in the process. Then I started reading over some of my old WIPs. In some of them I saw real potential and was even occasionally surprised by my own writing abilities when juxtaposed against all those published novels I’ve read. I’d think to myself “oh, this actually isn’t half bad?” And that would make me want to finish that piece or rework it with things I’ve learned in the interim.
One of the very first things I wrote and completed was that Itto x reader x Gorou kinktober fic. I saw the prompt, had the inspiration and impulsively jotted everything down. When I was finished and I read it over I felt GOOD. Proud of myself for actually completing something from scratch. I thought “hey, maybe I could do another one of these” and then proceeded to write Scara’s (which I’m actually very proud of tbh cmdmxm) and from there it was really just a matter of keeping that momentum going. In particular I think writing them for myself at that point, thinking I might post them some day when I was feeling brave enough to come out of hiding and just enjoying the satisfaction of writing again in the meantime, was what really helped me find my confidence again. It kind of took some of the pressure off of having people perceive me and my work dmdmdmd and I was able to sort of let everything flow organically as a result without worrying about how terrible or messy it was. A lot of this was very spur of the moment and idk if it will actually help you anon but in my case these were the things that helped me kick my extremely uncooperative brain back into gear lol
So the TL;DR of it would probably be to read other stuff. Pay attention to what you like, what you don’t, what makes you excited, sad, horny, happy, grossed out, etc and basically expose yourself to different kinds of writing styles and topics. I’ve read some pretty terrible books over the last year and some amazing ones too, and each one taught me something, even if it was not to do a thing haha. When you revisit your own works approach it like it belongs to one of those other authors, look at it objectively and sort of remove yourself from the equation. I’d say a big part of getting over writers block is just tricking your brain out of it tbh. 🤣 Like I said idk if any of this is helpful but I believe in you, anon! I am cheering for you and I know we’ll get through this together!
#also I know buying books can get really expensive!!#but honestly my favorite thing to do is hit up different thrift stores in my area and buy books for like 50 cents a pop in some cases#I’ve found some really good stuff doing this and ofc some pretty bad too but overall I think it’s a really great way to expose yourself to#a wide variety of writing styles topics and settings without breaking the bank#I actually have a fairly impressive collection of V.C.Andrews novels just from buying them second hand xmdmdmd#currently reading Flowers in the Attic as we speak but it’s been slow going since I fell behind on kinktober orz
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Hey guys I’m so sorry I haven’t posted in….quite awhile. I know I said a new series was coming soon. I’ve been battling some real intense depression which I’ve done before and always been able to write, but somehow I just can’t bring myself to do anything I like anymore.
Don’t worry about me. Im talking to my therapist and getting help from my doctor. The boy is being more supportive and helpful than I could have ever imagined or dreamed and shockingly so is my mother.
But until I can get all this chemical horomone shit under control I’m officially putting the hanniiesuckle account on hiatus. It’s not fair to you guys especially those who were really excited about the new Seungmin/Jisung series : Cue Lights, or any of my regular readers or new readers.
I may come back occasionally to read or check up on tags but I probably won’t be responding to a lot of dms or asks. Mooties who have my number can contact me there and mooties who don’t are welcome to ask bc I love y’all.
I love you all so much. I hope to see you again sooner than later💛
Signed,
Hanniie/Hunter
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Debilitated
Pairing: Adrian Chase/Vigilante x GN!Reader
Warnings: None
Words: 1,720
Author's Note: Hi Everyone! I'm back from my unannounced hiatus. I was having a really rough time getting on my feet a few months ago, and while I am still having those issues, I'm finally getting back into the things I love doing. Also, I have an announcement. I started a multifandom server on discord! It's still in the works but I'm officially letting people join. I'll post more information about it in another post, but I hope to see you there. I hope you enjoy
You held your phone to your chest, listening to the voicemail that Adrian had left you as you laid buried underneath layers of blankets, the weight of them creating a dull sense of comfort around you as you listened to your best friend’s voice.
“Hey. It’s me again. I was just wondering if we’re still on for tonight. You haven’t answered my texts or calls, but you said you were busy with work so I didn’t want to bother you too much. Just text or call me when you get the chance.”
Tears filled your eyes as the voicemail ended, guilt building up in your chest as you opened up your texts with Adrian. You smiled at his last text, asking if you wanted something specific or if he could pick. You knew if he picked, he would bring enough food for a small army.
Anything you bring will be fine. I’m not feeling well so I might not eat a lot. You replied, watching as ‘delivered’ popped up underneath the text. After you turned the screen off, you set the phone beside you and closed your eyes, exhaustion sinking into your muscles as you laid in bed. It had been over a week since you felt slightly normal, an unexpected wave of depression had hit you suddenly, sinking into your muscles like an infection.
The feeling of warm hands on your skin coaxed you to consciousness, making you open your eyes slightly to see Adrian looking at you. “Adrian? When did you get here?” You asked, groaning as you looked at the time on your phone, reading ’8:47’ at the top. “How long have you been here?” Adrian sat beside you on the bed and ran his fingers through your hair, smiling softly.
“I got here about thirty minutes after you said you weren’t feeling well. I got a lot of stuff because I didn’t know how sick you were feeling,” the brunet informed you as you sat up. You processed the last sentence that he said, letting out a sigh before running a hand over your face. “C’mon. I’ll show you what I got.” He said, standing up and holding his hand out. Getting out from under the covers, you got into your feet and grabbed Adrian’s hand, following behind him as he brought you into your kitchen, showing you everything he had bought, from soup to an opossum stuffed animal. Tears welled up in your eyes, making you rub at them quickly with the long sleeves of Adrian’s shirt that you wore.
“Oh, Adrian,” you whispered, looking at everything that was laid out on the counter before looking at the man who stood beside you, who was practically vibrating until he saw the look on your face. “I should’ve been more specific. I feel so bad.” A few stray tears rolled down your cheeks, making him move to you before wrapping his arms around your torso. You muttered ‘I’m so sorry’ into his shoulder over and over again, feeling his large hands splayed across your back, the warmth of his hands comforting you slightly. After a while, Adrian moved back and looked at you, pressing a kiss to the top of your head softly.
“Do you want to take a bath to help you relax?” He asked you quietly, watching as you nodded. Adrian led you to your bathroom, having you sit on the counter as he got everything ready for you. You huffed a laugh as you watched Adrian grab the bubble bath that was stored on the little cart that stood next to the bath, pouring a big amount into the tub that was filling with water. He waited until the tub was filled a decent amount before turning the water off. Adrian stood back up from his crouched position and walked to you, stopping in front of you and rubbing the sides of your arms as he looked over your features. “I’m gonna go get a towel, wash cloth, and some clean clothes for you, okay? I want you in that tub by the time I get back.” He told you, making you nod before he walked out of the bathroom. Getting off of the counter, you peeled off your clothes and put them in a pile before getting into the tub and sitting down, letting out a sigh as the warm water wrapped around your body. After a few minutes, Adrian came back into the bathroom with everything he said he was grabbing, hanging the towel on the rack and seeing the clothes on the counter before kneeling beside the tub, setting the washcloth on the side as he looked at you.
“I’m sorry,” you muttered, watching as his eyebrows furrowed together before he shook his head, grabbing the cup that was on the cart, filling it with water before placing his fingers under your chin to tilt your head back, pouring the water over your hair slowly. He repeated the action multiple times until your hair was completely wet before grabbing the shampoo, squeezing some into his hands before washing your hair, a relaxed sigh leaving your lips as you relished in the feeling of him washing your hair, feeling all the stress and anxiety leave your body.
“I’m going to do a few things while you’re relaxing,” the brunet told you, making you look at him before nodding. Once Adrian had shut the bathroom door, you used the washcloth he set out to wash your body, making sure every inch of your skin was clean. After washing up, you sat in the water for about fifteen more minutes before washing the conditioner out of your hair and unplugging the drain of the tub, hearing the water begin to drain as you got out, wiping the bubbles from your skin and drying off. Once you were dry, you hung the towel on the bar and got into the clothes that Adrian set on the counter, smiling when you noticed that the shirt he set out was one he had left behind when he had spent the night a few weeks prior. Walking out of the bathroom, you saw Adrian carrying a basket of dirty laundry from your bedroom into the small laundry room that was next to the bathroom. The brunet set the basket on the washer before looking at you, watching a smile rest on his lips before he moved towards you.
Adrian pulled you into the living room carefully, making you see the tv lit up with your favorite movie’s title screen playing quietly. “I figured you were having a bad day before you even replied earlier,” the brunet told you softly, making you look at him, a frown forming on your lips before you looked away from him. “Well, Harcourt told me that sometimes you have really rough days and you don’t talk to anyone when you’re having them. She also told me that you hit Chris so hard once when you were having a bad day that he thought you broke one of his ribs, so I really didn’t want that to happen.” He stated, making you huff out a small laugh before looking back up at him.
“I would never hit you, Adrian. Chris is just insensitive,” you told him quietly before pressing a kiss to his temple. As you backed away from him, you watched as the brunet’s eyebrows furrowed together before he looked at you. The sound of the movie beginning to play pulled your focus from him, making you look at the movie that had started automatically. You moved towards the living room, turning to look at the brunet, who followed behind you slowly.
The two of you sat on the couch and watched the movie that Adrian had put on, the man letting you lean against him as you paid attention to the movie, subconsciously running your fingers over the top of his hand, only stopping when he moved his hand, resting his hand on your wrist before moving it up and lacing his fingers through yours. The both of you watched the movie in silence, a sense of calm flooding your body as you felt Adrian rub his thumb over the top of your hand every few minutes. As the movie continued quietly, you curled up and leaned into Adrian’s side more, closing your eyes as you listened to the dialogue of the movie as sleep slowly took over.
The feeling of being moved forced you awake suddenly, feeling yourself be lifted up and held onto tightly, making you groan before nuzzling into Adrian’s neck, sighing as you smelled the faint scent of his cologne. “I know, honey. I know you don’t like being moved but I’m moving you to your bed,” Adrian informed you, making you groan against his neck before letting out a puff of air. The man holding you began to move again, making you grab onto his shirt as he held you. “I know you’re halfway asleep but I need you to hold onto me for a second,” Adrian muttered, making you tighten your legs around his waist and hold onto his arm better, feeling his free arm disappear from your body, the sound of rustling filling the otherwise quiet room. You were moved again slowly, feeling the cold covers that were on your bed, making you hum as you curled up slightly before you were covered up. After a few minutes, you felt the other side of the bed dip slightly, making you open your eyes to see Adrian, who was getting under the covers as he met your gaze.
“You don’t have to stay, Adrian,” You muttered, closing your eyes again as they felt too heavy to keep open. Adrian traced his hand over your skin, making you shiver before letting out a sigh.
”I’m staying. End of discussion. You gotta learn to let people take care of you,” the brunet said softly, feeling him pull you closer to him. As you were about to finally fall asleep, you felt Adrian press a kiss to your shoulder before letting out a sigh. “Fuck, I wish I could tell you that I love you.” He muttered into your cloth covered shoulder, sleep finally pulling you under moments after hearing the shocking confession from your best friend.
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#peacemaker#peacemaker hbo max#adrian chase#adrian chase x reader#adrian chase x gender neutral reader#adrian chase imagine#adrian chase fanfiction#vigilante#vigilante x reader#vigilante x gender neutral reader#vigilante imagine#vigilante fanfiction#writing blog#my writing#ask me stuff#send in requests
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Hey! I’m guessing you’re not posting any more. Any particular reason why? Your art is fantastic.
Sorry for the REALLY late reply! I ever so rarely use tumblr anymore. Honestly, a lot of artists fell off with tumblr because not only was the algorithm complete crap here, but also the restrictions doubled down. I had moved over to instagram for a while back around maaaaybeee 4 years ago? But I didn't really enjoy that platform either. I just got super busy completing school and honestly suffered from severe depression, so it was hard to keep up with art. I believe i took a two year hiatus from art because of it? But low and behold, it found me again <3 I don't draw any more MHA and don't really plan to, but i am active on my twitter @Usari_i !
I will be keeping all of my art posted on tumblr!
Thank you so much for enjoying my art <3
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hey guys!
firstly, i would like to apologize for all the hype i keep feeding you guys. i keep coming back with hopes that i would actually do something and i really haven't so far. it isn't fair in the slightest, so i would like to talk about a few things especially move forward:
if you have noticed before (the many times i have mentioned about my mental health being in a silver and polished dumpster) my mental health has been this wave of absolute confusion. if i’m not fighting my anxiety, i’m fighting my depression. it’s such a back and forth thing that i’m genuinely confused on which i need to tackle first. i’ve taken some time off work, but now i’m focused on other things. those things that aren’t as important as my mental health
i honestly think i just push and push myself constantly. i want to write so badly, to give you guys something to read and enjoy and a thank you for the endless support i get even when my blog collects dust, but that makes me focus on other things and that just piles up on me completely and i just get so overwhelmed. i honestly am barely talking to anyone outside of family. i have time off work just to get myself back to where i need to be so honestly its kinda chaotic for me right now
i truly hope you guys can eventually forgive me for how lacking i have been. it is not my intention to allow this blog to sit here and collect dust. i also hope you guys can forgive me for how hot and cold i have been. this year has just been so confusing for me. i’m at a point in my life where i genuinely feel so lost it honestly scares me. when i feel like i’m alone, i’m not. it's just weird haha
so with all this being said, i am going on a hiatus for the time being. i’m not saying i’m giving up, that is beyond far from the truth. while i am struggling, the messages i do get checking up on me do lift me up in ways nobody can explain. i genuinely cannot express how much it means to me. just know i am trying and i will get back to where i was. sorry for this fuck long post. i’ll catch you all on the flip side
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Hey I just want to let you guys know that I’m going on hiatus again but this time I’m not sure how long I will be gone for. I could be gone for a few months or for the rest of the year. But lately since my mental health has been super bad I want to take a step back from the internet. To everyone here who showed me love and support thank you all so so much. *hugs*
Please don’t worry about me too much, I will be ok. I’m not ok as of right now because my anxiety and depression is out of control but my family is there to help me and I am doing my best. I’m in pain but the storm will pass but in the meantime I’m taking a break from the internet. Love you guys and I will see you again someday.
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More Snippets from my BD fic because I need inspiration :)
It’s super piece-y at the moment but I’m trying to get back into writing after a 3-year hiatus so yeee lol- also trigger warning for depression, suicidal tendencies, and dark thoughts.
.............................................
Kazuki wasn’t an idiot. Well, he was sometimes… but when it came to his job, observing was like second nature to him. Part of that had to do with how he grew up. In and out of foster homes and institutions- most foster kids learned quickly to pick up on the behavior of others. It was safer. To learn whether to run or be hit. The problem was, he always stayed. Running wasn’t in his nature. And most of the time, that ended with him covered in bruises or cuts or nursing broken bones. Because it was better to be hit than watch others take the blow… some would say that was stupid. That it was better to run because even if he managed to take the punch of those around him, those who were supposed to protect him, guide him… it didn’t mean he’d won- and it sure as hell didn’t mean he’d be around next time.
By the time he was in his late teens, he could read people. Their actions, their movements- understand their feelings towards things, their thoughts. Recruitment came shortly after his 16th birthday when he stupidly picked a fight with several guys 10 times his size. But he’d been drunk and down on his luck… let alone pain brought the feeling of being alive. Needless to say, Kyo had found him lying in the middle of an alley, staring at the rain as it washed over the bruises and blood covering his face and body----
But despite his observation skills- Rei was a fucking mystery. Depressed, Kazuki would describe him. And lonely. Isolated. With the self-care and social skills of a carrot. Rei didn’t need a roommate, and Kazuki didn’t need a distraction. But Rei took a bullet for him, and Kazuki knew how to cook.
So, no, Kazuki wasn’t an idiot. But he could be really fucking stupid sometimes. Now- now was one of those moments he realized as he gripped Rei’s shirt in his hands, shaking the younger man again as he called his name. Panic lacing his voice, Miri’s cries behind him as Kazuki tried again to rouse the 25-year-old. After a few minutes, the younger man groaned, and Kazuki faltered, smoothing his hands against Rei’s shirt gently as the ladder opened his eyes slowly.
Kazuki smiled, running a hand over his face before reaching out and brushing Rei’s hair away from his face. Burning heat met his fingertips, and Kazuki swallowed as Rei’s pale blue eyes met his.
Kazuki breathed loudly, “Hey,” Handsome.
He’d known something was wrong. Rei was eating less, his movements sluggish, and he was zoning out more and more. But Kazuki figured it was just Rei being Rei- that perhaps he was heading towards another down-spiral. After all, Kazuki had known Rei for 3 years, lived with him for 3 years- he’d seen those moments. Those dark dark moments where Rei didn’t leave the bathtub, or if it was worse, his bed because that meant he didn’t care if an ambush came, he didn’t care if someone came to kill him. Someone like the Boss. He’d seen Rei retreat to his room or bathroom, for days, not touching the sandwich or water Kazuki left for him on the nightstand. He never touched them; not even when Kazuki got clever and started leaving chips or candy- things he’d never buy himself, but if he could get Rei to eat something, anything, then he’d cough up the yen for cheap, tasteless and processed food- but most of time, Rei never touched it. Never drank the water or coffee or soda. He just laid there. In his bed, in the bathtub. For days. And Kazuki would sit with him sometimes, on the edge of the tub or bed, talking or just listening- listening to Rei’s fast breathing, his eyes closed as if he was asleep, but Kazuki knew better.
Kazuki had been through moments like that himself, where he couldn’t do anything, where everything seemed too much, and he’d stay in his room, his bed until he felt like existing again- if you could call it that. Every year since his wife’s death got a little easier but sometimes- sometimes it hit him. Hard. Like stepping in front of a train- his feelings, his thoughts… his memories. The guilt. The heartbreak. Tears never really came even if the 28-year-old wanted them too. Needed them too. Sometimes he’d hear the door to his bedroom click open, light spilling through a small crack in the door; Rei’s shadow hovering over him. Once, he swore he felt strong fingers grip his shoulder, the pressure staying for several long minutes before a sigh filled the room. And then the light was gone, the door clicking. And Kazuki was once again alone. So very alone.
Kazuki had seen Rei at his worse. He’d seen inside some of the darkest parts of Rei’s mind as he him- so the younger man’s behavior, Kazuki had written off as him struggling. He expected to tell Miri that Papa-Rei was sick while letting the ladder keep to himself for several days, because Miri was way too young to understand that sometimes, sometimes sadness made you sick. Made you tired. Made everything around you seem so very impossible.
But when Rei smacked against the living room floor, Miri shrieking as she yelled for Kazuki across the room, the 28-year-old realized that this perhaps wasn’t one of those moments.
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5 Anti LO Asks
1. 191 spoilers: so Hebe basically grew into Hera 2.0, Persephone basically said nothing was her fault when a lot of it really was her fault, she thinks her green hands are a turn off (can she stop being hypersexual for one minute please), and she lives in a treehouse now??
What the fuck happened in that four month hiatus, seriously
2. Reading episode 191 was somehow rage-inducing and depressing at the same time.
We're still on the "Persephone did nothing wrong and shouldn't be punished"-train. Everyone, including the narrative, gives Zeus crap for doing what every sensible authority figure in his stead would have done. We're somehow supposed to pity Persephone for....being sent to a safe environment with supportive friends to clean up the mess she made and refused to fess up about until literally being forced too.
Like jfc Peresphone isn't even doing any work??? The first time we see her she's creepily hitting on an inanimate object and hiding away from her responsibilities??? The bare fucking minimum and she's too lazy and self-absorbed to do even that???
Oh, and we get zero news about how Demeter's feeling or doing meanwhile, because who gives a shit about her, she was just there in the first place to be an obstacle for hxp to overcome.
3. How come nobody's eyebrows are ever normal in LO. Why are they always pitch black blobs
4. The new chapter is just confusing . Hebe is a Hera clone. Like I was literally so confused why Zeus and Hera would on decent terms. I get she’s older to show time has passed, so why right now is Zeus thinking Persephone? What’s special about today? She still hasn’t done any of her tasks, so why after so long would we even question it?
Flash back to the trial: I’m sorta confused what the importance was to the freak out. Are they freaking out because they can’t go to the mortal realm, losing Demeter to a less qualified goddess to handle her job, or as Poseidon puts it “you lost the closest thing to the queen of the underworld” (are we forgetting that hades planned on proposing to Minthe but never got the chance)
Persephone: “hey guys I’ve been banished for a long ass time, but at least my ears as pierced am I right??” I also hate how she goes “some of it’s my fault but not all of it.” She’s had 0 growth I feel, she killed a bunch of people and she’s more focused on the whole “well if my mom was just cool about my fertility powers/if I was just zeus’ kid he would have let me off the hook”
Is that nymph Daphne? Persephone was able to save her tree form but not Minthe? Or is Persephone just choosing not to save Minthe as a whole “I don’t need to help out the people who’ve hurt me” idk
Artemis, Thanatos, Eris: aren’t they not allowed to see Persephone or have any contact with her or they’d be heavily punished.
Why is Helios there? He’s been pretty indifferent about Persephone.
Prediction: the next couple chapters is gonna be a failed meeting with Zeus and then a flash back catching everyone up to speed, but it’s gonna take so long at first to get there.
-----FP Spoilers/Mention-----
5. Okay so I read the new chapters bc why not and tbh I was pleasantly surprised with how the characters were drawn in the premiere. Idk but they felt like they had more time put into them and their hands especially were really nice and looked like they came from a reference. That all changed in the next chapters tho ofc.:/
Fast Past Spoiler:
The time skip in itself is not bad, but oh my god it feels like none of the characters have actually changed except Artemis’ relationship with Zeus. Like they’re all the same characters just grown up a bit, but only characters like hebe actually show that. And of course everyone is so up in arms over Persephones punishment. I can get why Hades would be mad and why Poseidon would be upset because his brother won’t talk to him anymore, but everyone else is wayyy too upset over some random girl. Like everyone but Artemis hates Zeus rn and EVERYONE loves Persephone. And god the whole Minthe and Daphne thing? The point of their stories were that they were the victims of a tragic circumstance. In the case of Minthe, because of her own doing, and Daphne, because of Apollo. It’s like there are no consequences for anyone who Persephone likes. Daphne and Minthe should’ve stayed as plants. It would be the end of their stories and would equate to actual loss for Persephone. I see Rachel hasn’t gotten any better at writing. So much wasted potential to turn the story into a chance for growth in both the characters and writing. The only thing I liked out of the four new episodes was the touching moment between Zeus and Artemis. Why has their relationship grown and changed but no one else’s? This story feels more about Zeus and his actions and consequences and growth than Persephones tbh.
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Hey hey!! I saw this tab on your page, and I love the way you write, so I was wondering if you could do dabi x gn!reader, where he and the reader got into a big fight, and he makes reader cry a lot. After about a day or so, they make up, but the reader still won’t smile at him and seems sad, so he decides to help with that? I understand if you don’t want to write it, but I just had to ask! Have an amazing day/night! byee!!
Hi there I'm so so sorry it took me so long to make this! But anyway here you go!
Dabi x GN!quirkless!reader
Details:
you are 21 in this fic, are quirkless, and live (mostly) /work with the LOV
Now let's get staaaaarted~
One evening, with no terrible events, there was clashing and yelling in the 22nd-floor apartment building. Y/N, who just got back from another day at work, was able to hear the yelling and quite frankly was not having any of this.
Just as they were about to knock on the door, a model-like woman appeared.
“Well well well look who it is… the dirty little-”
“Save it I’m not up for this shit right now”
“Wow you don’t have to be so bitchy”
YOUR POV
For the love of god if that bottle blond bitch would shut up
“Well maybe if you didn’t act like such a fuckin dumbass who has no understanding of what personal space is maybe I’d be nicer”
Then I walked into my apartment and shut the door in her face
Then I made my way over to the couch and looked at my phone only to be greeted by 1.5 dozen texts from Dabi
Well. great now I gotta leave again
So I grab my keys and a bag with my stuff and headed out
LE TIME SKIIIIP~
I approach the dark oak wood bar door and knock
Of course Twice has to be an asshole and say: “wHAt’S tHe PaSswOrD?”
“For fucks sake don’t be so loud”
“Ah Y/N! Good to see you again!”
“Just let me in jackass”
The door unlocks and opens to reveal Shigaraki sitting at the bar with the others sitting on the ground.
But Dabi is nowhere to be seen…
“Hey crusty where’s Dabi”
“He’s out right now”
“Then why the fuck did he text me to be here?”
“Hell if I fucking know or care”
“Well that’s just fucking great”
Just then the door combusts into blue flames and falls off it’s hinges to reveal a pissed off Dabi
“What the fuck are you doing here”
“You fucking texted me you burnt ass chicken nugget”
“I didn’t fucking text you”
“Then who the fuck did”
“Not fucking me that’s for sure”
“Wow and I thought you loved me considering you’re MY BOYFRIEND”
My shitty day has already taken a horrific toll on me and now this is making it worse
I suddenly feel that familiar strain and headache coming on that I get when I’m about to cry
“Just fucking go you shouldn’t be here”
“FINE I’LL FUCKING LEAVE THEN!”
I left tears streaming down my face uncontrollably as I ran out of the bar back home
DABI’S POV
“Ok which of you jackasses took my phone and texted them to come here”
Toga was holding her hands behind her back
“Toga hand it over”
“No! I wanted to have them here again because I’m always alone! Besides you 2 are a cute couple and should be seeing each other more”
“You have no business coming between me and them”
“So? They’re MY FRIEND TOO YOU JERK! Besides, you need to apologize for what you said to them!”
“Fine only to get you to shut the fuck up”
YOUR POV
I walked back to the bar after crying my eyes out at home with my hood over my face to hide that so as to not to worry Toga
I open the door only to be glomped by Toga
“OMG Y/N I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!”
“H-hi Toga”
“N/N”
I look over at Dabi with a resting bitch face
“Hello Dabi” I said monotonically
He sighed and started talking again “come with me I want to talk to you” and of FUCKING COURSE HE MUMBLED THIS KNOWING I HATE MUMBLING
HEHEHEHEHEHE LE TIME SKIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY MY 3 MONTH DEPRESSION INDUCED HIATUS UWU
I followed him into his room and he shut and locked the door
“Hey I uh-just wanted to uh- a-apologize f-for what I said” he was looking at the floor obviously embarrassed
“I-I accept y-y-your a-apology”
“Now come here you tiny dork”
I walked over to his open arms and into his embrace
“Why are you still sad?”
“I feel kinda neutral but fine, I just don’t care to keep an cheery persona right now”
“Well maybe I can make you feel happy again”
All of a sudden im being plopped on his bed and pinned my wrists above my head and started to remove his belt
“Don’t worry it’s not what you think it’s going to be you dirty minded silly goose”
As he had been talking he was tying my wrists to the bedposts and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t move my wrists out
“Wh-wha-HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
“See i told you I could make you happy again~”
He it turns out started tickling my sides
“Hmmmmm where to tickle you next~”
“WAIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIT NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOHO STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAP”
“Maybe your…tummy? Yeah sounds like a good place”
Then he was tickling me both hands now fluttering his fingers over my abs and all over my torso
“Awwwwwww look at my little giggle bug~ so cute while under me and laughing”
“NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHO MOHOHOHOHOHOHOREHEHEHEHE I CAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANT BREAHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHETHE”
“Mmmm yeah no i'm going to keep going cause I wanna keep hearing you laugh. Now I’m going to give you a choice~armpits or hips?”
“NEIEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHTHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHER”
“Well then I guess I’m gonna do both. I was going to let you go after that one spot buuuuut since you wouldn’t pick you get both~ besides I know you actually love this”
“BUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHULLSHIHIHIHIHHHIHIHIHIHIHIHIT”
“Ok now you’re just being vulgar which means extra punishment for you my little giggle bug~”
His hands then moved from my tummy and sides to my armpits and intermittently switching from raspberries on my tummy and neck and fluttering his fingers in my armpits
“Look how cute you are so helpless and ticklish~ tickle tickle tickle little one.”
“BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
“Be glad I’m not that bird bastard with those godforsaken feathers of his. Although I might just call him over to help me make you smile permanently again”
“YOUHUHUHUUHUHUHHUHUHUHU WOUHOHOHOHOHOHLDNT DAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHARE”
“Now now let’s not get testy here I can have him here within 3 minutes as I KNOW for a fact he’s quite smitten over you”
“NOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOHOHHOHOHOHOHOHO PLEAHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHSE NOHOHOHHOHOHOHOOHOOOHHHOHOHOHOHO”
“Yeah that does it I’m calling him besides I’ve been trying to fluster you and failing sooooo… I’m gonna give you a quick break while I call him up”
DABI’S POV
I pulled out my phone and called Hawks
“Hey there what’s up? You never call me! Did you need something?”
“Ok bird brain I’m going to cut to the chase Y/N is not happy because of something I did and I’m trying to cheer them up.”
“Ahh I get ya. I’m actually in the area I can be there in less than a minute”
“Good I kind of need you here to make them be happy again”
HAWK’S POV
Right after I heard the click on the other end I sighed knowing he had said something to them that was really bad and they must have been in a bad mood and I know this because that kid’s got a thick skin
I landed at the entrance of the alley, walked over to the door and knocked
“WhAT’s tHe PaSswOrD”
“God twice no one can take you seriously when you do that. Besides before you ask Dabi called me here”
“Ok! He can’t be trusted!”
He let me in and I walked to Dabi’s room where I (rightfully) assumed where he was and I saw Y/N with their wrists tied to the bed board post still squirming and letting out those adorable residual giggles
YOUR POV
I was so grateful for Dabi to FINALLY be done only for Hawks to walk in behind Dabi
Goddamnit
“Hey kid- wow you’ve got a cute tummy and hips~”
He started walking over to me and discharging feathers from his wings
“Well well well I can see someone’s been laughing adorably. Man this is gonna be fun~”
“W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait c-c-c-c-c-can’t w-w-w-w-we t-t-t-t-talk a-a-about th-th-this?”
“Nope because you need to get it aaaaaaaaaall out”
Hawks climbed onto the bed while wiggling his fingers towards my tummy and once his fingers made contact it was all over
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOHOHOHOHHOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
“Wow and I’ve barely gotten started how cute~ coochie coochie coo~”
His feathers started tickling my feet, ears, neck, belly button, and armpits and then he started squeezing and scribbling my hips and then gets off to let Dabi get back on to repeat that action of scribbling and squeezing my hips
And who gets put in charge of the teasing?
That's right
Hawks
“That must tickle a lot Y/N huh?”
“Aww look how cute you are when you squirm! But your smile is even cuter!
This of course continues on for 15 minutes
And then finally the tickle attack stops
“So babe how are you feeling?”
“I guess better just tired”
“I love you Y/N”
‘I love you too Dabi”
“Welp imma head out I gots stuff to do”
FIN
I hope this was satisfactory! Thank you for the request!
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