but does it also apply when you never loved yourself, and at some point, you start doing it?
They always refer to it as a second person loving you, and then changing afterward because you got loved. But what about when for years you despised yourself so hard you punished your soul for the only purpose of being alive, and then you started patiently liking yourself ? Observing the way I gently scooped a spider in the corner of my bathroom to set him free. Before, I would've killed it. Noticing how I listen to my heartbeat in the middle of the night and being thankful to exist. Before, the sound of my lungs expanding, irritated me. Accepting that some of my actions WILL hurt people, and I'll learn from my mistakes. Before, I would've crucified myself for hurting anyone.
To be loved, is to be changed, in the sense that for years, all I've ever known was anger and hate for my existence, and now, that I'm not surrounded by it, the world suddenly turnred quiet and peaceful, and in some occasions, worth living. Maybe we should start adding this to the list: to be loved BY YOURSELF, is to change, slowly, and gradually.
I scream into the void and yet it still hurts. My life. How could this have happened. Why. I sob but no one hears. Why should they, with the awful person I believe myself to be. I cry for help and yet I have no one who can. I'm drowning and no one can swim.
I scream into the void. It hurts. A lot. I wonder if I might hear an echo. That's wishful thinking. I am alone here, like I am everywhere. Everywhere. All the time. Alone.
I scream into the void. It hurts a bit less. I'm becoming numb. I might have heard a response this time. I think I imagined it. Why does anything matter. I'm not meant to last. There's nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do for me.
I scream into the void. I don't feel anything anymore. I'm delirious. My mind fabricates a response back, someone approaching me, someone who cares. It can't be real. I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve kindness. I am a waste of space.
I stop screaming. I don't have the energy. I'm not worth it. I don't have it in me to keep going. I make a decision but not really. Everyone else made this decision for me, I'm just the last to acknowledge it.
I give in. I start to lean forward into the void. I'm giving up.
I begin to fall.
I'm weightless for maybe half a second, probably less.
Then I feel it.
A hand.
On me.
Someone caught me.
Someone cares.
I'm pulled back and wrapped in a hug. I'm told I'm loved, I'm told I'm worth the space. They tell me they make space for me and they want me to fill it. They don't mind that I'm not okay, they just want to get to a place where I have that opportunity.
I scream into the void. This time I say "I love you." This time, the void says it back.
Literally just described as: "the best part of the movie/story where the character just went through hell but here they come back, battered and bruised but you can tell they are about to kick ass, that scene right there ! Right as they come out the fire and burning building
its super vulnerable way, very honest but also very hopeful . Its not sad poetry at all, there’s a huge theme of perseverance , like Girl-as-Lion! That one is great!! The last bit of that is damn!"
I run from grief until it finds me one day making dinner alone in my apartment, and something about the way the dishes clatter reminds me of your laugh
I've learned to fall in love with everything because I was taught to love nothing, and each time something breaks me I smile wider, knowing that at least flowers can still grow from the pieces of my mosaic heart.
One must remember
Storms aren't forever
The dark skies that flood
With tears and unwashed blood
Those are only temporary
Bits of pain to carry
For a soul must feel
As that's what it means to be real
I cut people off and shut people out ruthlessly with no regret. I keep my word and let people live on without me and feel confident that it is their loss. But with you, it was more like shutting the door slowly when you’re not ready to say goodbye. I kept peeking around the corner to see if you were still there. I ran to the window and watched you drive away once I finally shut you out.
When I cried over you for the millionth time a friend told me that one day you wouldn't cross my mind--that I wouldn't know why, and I wouldn't realize it then, but I would look back and you would be gone.
I don't know when in the last couple days something shifted but you haven't crossed my mind once. Somewhere in the space between I now, feel, nothing.
love is something we yearn for,
but must wait.
it's not your turn yet, be patient this time.
let time take over.
cry the tears you need to release,
let out your laughter,
improve yourself,
and one day,
it will be your turn.
patience is beautiful.