the loch ness monster | tom riddle x reader
song; the loch ness monster [matilda mann]
pairing; tom riddle x gender neutral!reader
genre; angst, ex-lovers
word count; 1,3k
timeline; around harry potter's birth
warnings; swearing, implied abusive relationship, implied depression, suicidal thoughts
summary; y/n had watched their lover become a despicable man capable of no good, and it pained them that he still had a hold over them
masterlist
"we all started to stray, nothing lasts anyway."
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« I'm just swimming in lakes in my mind »
I have been swimming in the deep, gloomy lakes in my mind for what feels like eternity; each time I reach out for what appears to be a rescue line, it disappears into the inky blackness of my memories. My dark memories. They weren't always dark, though, they used to be bright and shined crystal clear like the sun on a warm Summer's day. It's Summer right now, but not for me.
« Don't make me get out and comply »
My mother tried suggesting therapy for me, to help me get out of my mental abyss, but I don't want to leave. If I leave, I have to come to terms with and accept everything that evil man did to me over the war. Me. His ally. His friend.
His lover.
« And my coy little smile will defend me awhile »
I smile it off to people like I always do; a small grin can go a long way if your eyes are convincing enough. After only a couple weeks, people stopped asking me how I was doing, under the false idea that I was over the relationship long before he fully succumbed to the dark side.
« So I'll stay with the lakes in my mind »
My intricately crafted lakes of each and every emotion and memory I have ever experienced; some more inaccessible than others, buried deep amongst the sand thousands of metres down. The memories of Tom are near the surface, however, since they are fresh wounds carved into my brain. I don't need to hold my breath to relive those events and feelings, they are right at my fingertips.
« Don't you dare think that here you can hide »
Young, calm, charming Tom. He still lives in my mind. I have to submerge a little in order to find him, but he is there nonetheless, acting like nothing bad ever happened. Every day, charming Tom sinks deeper, though, as he is fading in my mind. Was that version of him even real? Even I don't know anymore.
« We all started to stray, nothing lasts anyway »
I lost him- the original him- a very long time ago, when he began drifting towards more and more sinister views and methods, and thus straying away from me. Not only me, but also his friends: if he ever considered us his friends. I can't remember when it was that we all collectively accepted that Tom was too far gone.
« So I'll stay with the lakes in my mind »
These lakes are simultaneously my grasp on reality and the reason I'm losing touch. There is something so human about them, yet something so dangerous and consuming. I can't get out of the lakes (not that I've tried very hard) as I can feel the tugs underwater, beckoning me to venture further into my memories.
« And now you've faded with no traces »
Sometimes I feel like I'm forgetting who Tom was, and even is. Everything that happened between us was so incredibly surreal I question its authenticity every day. Nobody mentions him by that name anymore, it's like he never existed in the realms of our minds. Well, at least not mine. He moves around in the water like it's his second home, in many different versions of himself at once.
« So, who could ever tell? »
I struggle to tell the differences between the versions sometimes. They're all submerging into one gloomy memory.
« What you've taken's been misplaced »
Tom is only ever mentioned anymore by his new sinister name, or by the name that cowards created for him. His alias of Lord Voldemort holds an unreasonable amount of power; no wonder he went insane when he decided upon it. So much so that those afraid of him refer to him as either You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
« But your name doesn't ring any bells »
Who was Tom, really?
« Since the day that they took you to hell »
Whoever he was, he now surrounds himself with only evil. He has many followers, called death eaters, but no real friends. Not that he deserves any.
« I'm just swimming in lakes in my mind »
I can hear the echoes of my friends calling me back to reality, but I push my head under the water to muffle the sound further. It isn't safe out there, but it's safe in here, with everything I've ever known and no surprises. Reality could hold a million new blows to the gut that could completely break down my already fragile state.
« Too afraid to get out and deny »
Tom was my rock for so long. I never would have imagined that he would no longer be by my side; I thought it was a for-life thing.
« And my coy little smile will defend me awhile »
My limbs are numb as the coldness of the lake consumes my shivering body, and I wish for my brain to go numb as well. It's all become too much for me to take, so I just don't want to feel.
« So I'll stay with the lakes in my mind »
The hooded form of Tom conjures beside me, his arms wrapping around my figure and pulling me to the surface. I stare at him absently as he removes his hood, sighing when I see the evil grin that belongs to the Dark Lord - not my Tom.
« And now you've faded with no traces »
Where is my Tom?
« So, who could ever tell? »
No one can explain to me what happened to him in more detail than "his desire consumed him". What does that even mean?
« What you've taken's been misplaced »
He took my heart, and now I can't find it.
« But your name doesn't ring any bells »
Tom. Tom. Tom. His name has been said so many times in my mind it's become meaningless. But at the same time, it's the word that holds more meaning to me than any other.
« Since the day that they took you to hell »
"How have you been, sweetheart?" the eery memory of Voldemort speaks, "How come you haven't been to any meetings?"
« What's it like there in hell? »
"You know what you did," I reply shakily, "You betrayed me and everyone who loved you."
"I didn't betray anyone."
I scoffed, "What's it like being hell itself?"
« Glad they left you in hell »
"Lonely. I miss you."
"No you don't," I seethe, "I'm glad I left you."
« Stay right down there in hell »
"You don't mean that, darling."
"Yes I do. Stay away from me."
"I can't do that. I'm your conjuration, your memory, a part of you."
His lips curved into a smirk.
"I'll be with you in here until you die."
"Why?" The cracking of my voice remained evident.
"Because I'm a ghost of every version of Tom Riddle you've ever known, and my duty is to haunt you."
« So I'll stay with the lakes in my mind »
"This is my mind, and I don't want you here."
"Why don't you leave? Go back to your friends out there, re-become the Y/N you always were."
"You destroyed them."
"Maybe so, but you're the one choosing not to rebuild."
"It's not fucking easy, Tom."
He let out a laugh, "I have to go now, darling, but don't forget me- it's not like you can."
"Fuck you."
"Oh, and one more thing," he spoke as he began to fade.
"What?"
"Don't you dare think that here you can hide."
« Don't you dare think that here you can hide »
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masterlist
written; 04/10/2021 —> 18/06/2022
published; 18/06/2022
edited; —/—/——
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