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#he s just like me fr
a-through-l 6 months
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Guys denjis a lesbian trust 馃檹馃檹
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alpacacare-archive 5 months
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success
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bbnibini 6 months
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I find it so painfully heartbreaking that Solomon just...laughs off all the derision, the name-calling, and possibly even did "evil" things on purpose because it's expected of him at this point. (He had not always been like this as Thirteen pointed out before). There was a time when he was "innocent". When his soul sparkled. When it resembled the kind of soul everyone in these god forsaken (pun intended with spite) three realms seemed to associate with the ever loved MC. He's just...worryingly carefree. And because he's like that, he feels even more of a tragic character to me.
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Sometimes it even seems that he himself would seemingly make up excuses on why he's hated. Oh, it's because I'm a sorcerer this. I might have won a war against Devildom single-handedly this. I have forgotten. But maybe, I did something bad, that. Hon, you were doing that to SURVIVE. You don't have to be a faultless person to deserve compassion. You don't have to be MC to deserve to be loved.
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dizzybizz 5 months
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馃榾 i love setting out to draw 1 character multiple times but ending up drawing multiple characters 1 time instead 馃榾 i love it so much 馃榾
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jackmanifold-daily 5 months
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n u l l
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toyourliking 10 days
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he was given valentine's day chocolate as a joke i'm going to be sick
(from daydream hour 5)
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blu-ish 3 months
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CHAPTER 2
"What is this?" Shadow was already regretting asking. He squinted at the paper in his hand, struggling to read the otherwise indecipherable handwriting.
"Only the essentials dear," Rouge replied with a blithe expression on her face. "I know how much you prefer an on paper list, so I wrote down some of the things I--we need, for your viewing pleasure."
When he wrote down the main things they needed to carry on hand, he didn't intend for it to be added too with the kitchens stray sharpie.
"Rouge, half of these things are beauty products." The hedgehog threw her a glare, they weren't even the ones she regularly uses, why is she experimenting now? She already steals his skin care products and eyeliner anyways.
"Listen hun," She laid a gloved hand on his shoulder. "were going to be in the desert for a year... I need some backups! Anyways G.U.N always provides the important stuff, we could at least get a little something for ourselves along the way~" Or so was Rouge's way of telling him to relax.
Mission Street wasn't too packed, thankfully. People ventured in and out of stores briskly, leaving Shadow with some room to breath. Adjusting the rucksack that was slung over his shoulder, the duo walked across the snowy sidewalk toward one of the larger convenience stores.
He could already tell Rouge was already engrossed with one of the nearby clothing shops window out of the corner on his eye, he momentarily sighed and gave her a nod when she looked back toward him with a smile.
"Try to use your money this time." He said sarcastically, a grin faintly tugged at the corner of his mouth.
"Please, I don't steal from small businesses." the bat said earnestly, waving to Shadow.
The small bell on the door rung as she swung it open, Rouge loudly greeted the person at the counter like a long lost friend, he could still make out faint sounds of warm laughter as he entered the store across.
-----
The stores wide selection of items did not disappoint. He took his time scanning the shelves, carefully examining each product in his hand. The hedgehog nibbled on the end of his pen in thought, out of habit he supposed. Occasionally checking off things from his list.
"pocket knife... water bottles... flashlights..." Shadow mumbled.
He placed them into the basket below his arm. Suddenly, the pocket of his leather jacket buzzed, momentarily peeved about losing his train of thought, Shadow unlocked his phone.
ROUGE Brown or Purple?
She had sent him an image of two different shades of coats, sherpa coats to be exact, the good kind. Puzzled, he responded.
Does it matter?
ROUGE Answer the damn question sweetie <3
Purple.
ROUGE Thank you!
After rolling his eyes at the exchange. He slipped his phone right back into his pocket without a second thought.
After a few more minutes of walking through the store, eyeing strangers that glanced his way. Shadow double--triple checked his list, he swept a finger down the marks, satisfied. He'll have to try to convince Rouge to go makeup shopping tomorrow.
Hoping the line was short, Shadow was ready to leave.
Well, that was until he saw a familiar shade of blue walk right past his aisle. Ear twitching at the sound of the voice.
"Amy, my arms are dying here!"
"Oh stop it Sonic, its only a few things!"
"I HAVE NO UPPER ARM STRENGTH!"
Sonic?
Peaking ever so slightly from his "cover", Shadow raised a brow at the scene.
It was the blue hedgehog alright, hero of mobius, the one who so frequently bested the doctor, the one who was currently struggling to stand still in a line with four plastic baskets in his arms.
He could see Amy's annoyed expression, hand on her hip as she carried a few baskets of her own. "Why do you offer to help if all you do is complain." She sighed.
Sonics ears flattened, "I'm sorry Ames, its just, lines are so BORING. Cant I do a few laps around the--"
Amy threw him a hard glare, stopping his sentence short. He went back to tapping his foot impatiently, it was somewhat... amusing.
Coming to terms with the inevitable, Shadow sighed and walked up to the line. He tried to ignore how Sonic practically lit up as soon as he saw him.
"Sha--Shadow?!" The blue blur exclaimed, causing Amy to turn around as well, she gave him a bright and cheerful smile.
"Shadow! Oh its so good to see you!" she began, momentarily leaving her spot to greet him. He allowed a quick side hug from the girl, acknowledging Sonic with a nod.
Sonic cocked his head to the side, gesturing to the darker hedgehogs basket. "Isn't it a bit late for some holiday shopping Shads?" So there was the hedgehogs famous snarkiness. Shadow scoffed.
"Isn't it a bit early to be pestering me?"
"Hey! Come on, your not still mad about the parfait are ya?"
Shadow grumbled slightly, crossing his arms, unable to make eye-contact with the other. "You knew full well that was mine Sonic."
Sonics laugh came out more like a exhale, Shadow turned to meet his gaze, the hero's bashful nature peeking out. "
"It was pretty good for an ice cream in the winter time."
Shadow had no energy to correct him on the matter, he instead looked toward Amy, who had since grabbed the items Sonic was carrying and placed them in the self checkout.
"If you two are done can you help a gal out?"
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After a few minutes of placing what Shadow now realized was party suppiles into the bags, he hummed.
"For the party, I presume?"
Amy nodded happily, "Sure is! I've been buying the things I'll need all day. Sonic's has been helping me, in this own way." She muttered, shaking her head with a chuckle.
He who has been mentioned quickly turned around with a dramatic flare, "Well, excuse me!" He swiped a few more bags off the counter and ran out the door to make yet another trip to Amy's car. Shadow could tell he was happy to finally move his legs again.
"This will definitely be my best one yet!" Amy pumped her fist confidently. "I have so many new recipes planned, oh, and games too!" she let out a squeal in excitement. "Its going to be so much fun!"
Shadow wouldn't necessarily say that was his idea of fun, but he smiled all the same. "That sounds wonderful Rose."
"Thanks!" She placed another bag on the counter, just as Sonic zoomed by, he stuck out his tongue at Shadow, who in turned blinked at him dumbly. He will never understand that hedgehog.
Amy continued, "Some of the girls and I are getting together at the start of the New Year for a road trip, we've been planning it for months and I'm so excited to go!" she clapped, staring off into space at the thought. Shadow tilted his head in curiosity.
"I wasn't aware you were planning to travel." He supposed that made things easier, with Team Darks mission and all. "For how long? If you don't mind me asking."
"Oh not long! Just a few weeks or so, we'd be back before you'd know it!" She naively reassured him, she didn't know, so Rouge was really planning on saying goodbye the day of. He imagined it was for the best.
"In fact, it seems like everyone has their own little adventure planned! Knuckles is finally letting himself explore beyond Angel Island. Tails is going abroad, even Sonic said he'll be traveling. I'm so happy everyone finally has the time to really enjoy themselves next year."
Everyone?
Before Shadow could respond Sonic walked in, rubbing his gloved hands together. "That's the last of them Ames! It was the most intense game of Tetris I've ever played but I made it work." He smiled.
Shadow didn't even want to see what sort of stacking game the blue quilled mobian played with Amy's shopping bags. He could clearly sense Amy's dread as well. She patted Sonic on the shoulder.
"Thank you Sonic, your free to go. You dork."
"WOOOOOO, YEah--!" he cleared his throat, fixing his quills. "I-I mean are you sure--?"
"YES."
"If ya say so!"
Amy waved the boys goodbye, leaving the hedgehogs alone at the stores entrance. Shadow was busy fitting his purchased items in his rucksack on a nearby bench. Eyeing the blue hero, who gave him a mischievous smile.
"Wanna race?"
"no."
Now it was Sonics turn to blink in confusion, if Shadow listened hard enough he could almost hear the hedgehog give a soft whine. He again, just tried to ignore him.
"Why? I mean, I'm not gonna force ya or anything but... your usually always up for a quick race. What gives?" Shadow huffed, he just wasn't at his beck and call whenever he needed to burn energy. He was busy, why couldn't Sonic just get the hint and leave him be.
After making it a point to zip up his bag, Shadow slung it over his shoulder with a huff. "I don't have any more time to waste," he bit back a hiss. "don't you have to prepare to leave, for your own trip?"
Sonics ears flattened for the second time that day, "Oh, yeah. Amy must've told ya that, huh." He sheepishly looked away from Shadow. Seemingly lost in thought, before Shadow could question it. He smiled, "Nah, I don't really plan for that kinda stuff, I'm just going wherever the wind takes me!"
Shadow pressed a finger to his temple, sighing. "Of course you are." He's Sonic after all.
"What about you, you uh, headed anywhere?" He gestured to his rucksack. Shadow couldn't exactly pin point what as different about Sonics attitude, but it was there, and it was starting to annoy him to no end.
"no." he replied flatly, that was classified information, simple as that.
Sonic eyed him, he shrugged nonchalantly, or at least he seemed too. "Whatever dude, was just asking." Sonic covertly stomped his foot a few times, crossing his arms.
The air grew awkward, Shadow took it as a sign to leave. "Goodbye, Sonic." He pulled his leather jacket closer to his body, walking away into the busy cold sidewalk of Mission Street.
He received no quippy banter, no sarcastic remarks or headache inducing laughs. He turned around to find the hedgehog a streak of blue over the horizon. All that was left behind was the fresh breeze he carried with him, it hit Shadows muzzle, sending shivers down his spine.
He scoffed, turning away to walk into the crowd. Where he couldn't breathe.
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gregoftom 10 months
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what do you mean you don鈥檛 think you鈥檙e gonna be buried at my side
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Man. How did I forget that an entire subplot of Dazai's main story was just. Trying to trap him into having a single conversation with MC like a normal person I'm so akhdjgfkljshgskjd
I just love watching her, Arthur, and Isaac deadass plot with glee to get one over on Dazai it's killing me, this is some Hamlet level shit (no Charles do not stand behind the curtain to kill Dazai coming in the window!!! yamero!!!!!)
Also because I felt personally attacked (/j) when Isaac said this:
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I love you Isaac but pls have mercy on creatives we only have one brain cell and we're trying s o hard oTL
Although, and I'll leave it under the cut since I'm back on my Comte-posting, but the way Comte talks about Dazai fascinates me. Also just as fair warning, I do broach a lot of the topics that come up in Dazai rt so trigger warnings for self-harm, suicide, CPTSD and PTSD, trauma, etc. I don't go too too in-depth, but they are there.
Comte: "Dazai is quite skilled at concealing what he's really feeling, even from himself, perhaps."
The way he instantly remarks on how Dazai is not only working to conceal what he feels from others, but also from himself. Tbh I think that's enormously perceptive, because at first glance most people tend to think Dazai is lazy, troublesome, flippant, or erratic (and sometimes, a combination of all of these).
I love that he sees to the core of who Dazai is and what he's feeling; fear. Dazai is afraid of hurting someone again, but I also think on some level he's made it an ontological problem; he's afraid of himself. He thinks his very existence is a negative entity, something that exists only to hurt and/or estrange other people, something wrong/different. I'd argue that's why he's so adamant about mood-making and keeping to himself. If you never express how you truly feel or live true to yourself, on some level you can't entirely reach others. Because fundamentally, being close to other people does require some level of lowered defenses and sharing. Ergo, never dwell too long or give too much of yourself away, never make a mark on anyone--good or bad.
As a side note, Theo calls him "a half-strewn dandelion puff" and I agree that's rather blunt, but on some level Theo operates on a level of utility. His entire operating precept is that life and work must serve a discrete purpose. And Dazai, in choosing to opt out of living with meaning/intent out of fear, makes this description entirely consistent with Theo's perspective of the world. Though his phrasing is harsh and perhaps one-dimensional, I do find it interesting that he comes to a similar conclusion as Comte as to what Dazai is doing.
Comte talks about it with such clarity and calm, he really does feel so parental in this moment. He's not necessarily minimizing the reality of how Dazai is experiencing the world, but he also clearly doesn't agree with Dazai's self-perception. Perhaps most striking to me is how Comte seems to understand that the only threat Dazai poses is to himself...Sometimes it feels like, in the case of conditions like mental illness/depression/etc. people are so eager to assume ill will of a person. This is only exponentially compounded if they prove to have striking intelligence and strategic capacity, the same way Dazai does. I guess I can't help but appreciate that Comte knows the difference between strong and scared, and even how the lines between the two can and often do blur (perhaps best exemplified in his relationships with Jeanne and Dazai).
(Side note: I forgot which event it was but, one time when Dazai was homesick for cherry blossom watching, Comte had the entire house filled with flowers to cheer him up [insert ugly sobbing]).
For someone so enigmatic, evasive, and distant, Comte still notices instantly that Dazai is much, much happier with MC. I suppose it makes me wonder if Comte knew all along that Dazai's real wish was to be accepted and loved as he was, but kept quiet out of respect for his privacy. I would offer too that sometimes people need to realize these things on their own for the information to have value.
But what really gets my ass is what Comte says right after:
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This is my bread and butter (so is he but that's not the point of this particular TED talk). In the last few years I've done a lot of exploratory work on how trauma is mapped both internally but also visibly on the body. What I think is engaging here is that, while it could be read on a surface level as "body language gives people's true intentions away" I don't think that's quite what he's getting at. Or perhaps better phrased, it's an oversimplification. I don't think it's that body language can't communicate real and important information about people's lives. Rather, that people associate rigid and absolutist interpretations to singular mannerisms, which does a disservice to both parties. Nobody can know a person at a glance; to say that you do reduces the lived reality of the opposite party.
Comte gives simple examples and couches his words for the context of the moment, but I think that first line is incredibly telling. "But the body is remarkably truthful." It makes me think of how, in moments where Comte is overcome with anxiety as a result of traumatic recurrence, he has acute panic attacks (i.e. shortened breath, racing heart, trembling). How Leonardo's lethargy (i.e. napping on the floor everywhere like the hobo he is) belies the reality of his very real exhaustion, the emotional turmoil that comes with a fraught immortal life.
Dazai's endless struggle with dissociation and self-harm, the way he stood in the rain unmoving at the thought of MC returning home to the modern era. Whether to numb himself from the pain of that grief/loneliness, or perhaps more likely the self-immolation of subjecting himself to the re-enactment of the most harrowing moment of his life. To relive that anguish as a reminder; to abstain from making the same mistake ever again. Jeanne's endless bodily tension, struggles with basic self-care (appears to be interoception-based; reduced signalling of the need to eat/rest/etc.), and self-isolation to cope in a world where only the strong survive. Never safe, always alone, always defensive.
I think, for many people in general but especially people who have been through intense PTSD/CPTSD/etc., it can be hard to express these feelings directly. Whether they are forcibly silenced, ridiculed into self-derision/self-concealment, or are overwhelmed by emotions that are difficult to process--each manifests itself in unconventional ways. It means a lot to me when those phenomena are portrayed so sensitively in written works/media, that they're explored with real intention and narrative subtlety to communicate how hard it is for people who are wounded or simply different (or both, as often is the case).
Addendum:
Even more than that, and this is an observation at the end of Dazai's route, is Comte's open belief that life is something to be cherished. Of course, like any other person he has behaviors he won't abide and people he doesn't feel partial to, but by and large he doesn't take life lightly. Perhaps that's why he doesn't expect Dazai to resort to such measures again, in conjunction with the circumstances of his transition. From an outsider perspective, I could see how Comte might assume Dazai no longer wishes for that if he seemed to regret his initial course of action by seeking resurrection. There is also the implication that Dazai is always at war with himself, and therefore might give contradictory impressions; one moment he wants to live, the next he doesn't. This is precisely what led him to ask Charles for help to subdue his own 'cowardice.' (His terms, not mine. [bonks him]) There is a sizeable subset of s-word survivors who, after recovery, feel that their problems were actually solvable despite their despair in the moment.
Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but I think there's something to be said of Comte feeling such real affection for the mansion boys that he is stricken to find out what Dazai attempted. And perhaps unsurprisingly, very adamant to keep him from ever pursuing such a course of action again. He's incredibly vulnerable about his horror that he might have inflicted something on Dazai that he never wanted in bringing him back, though Dazai comfortably refutes any lack of agency in the situation.
I guess I feel very compelled by the duality inherent in Comte's glass heart, precisely because of how realistic it feels. His greatest strength is his sensitivity, but it's also his greatest weakness in tandem. His genuine care for Dazai--the unwavering belief that his life is valuable and worthy--ends up being the reason he doesn't anticipate Dazai's rather deeply entrenched self-loathing. And to be honest, I'm a bit inclined to agree; looking back on a third reading Dazai feels way too hard on himself. It feels like the young girl's death was more a catalyst for what Dazai was already feeling, than anything. Dazai wanted so badly to have a reason to despise himself (as he already disliked how different and out of place he naturally felt) and with this, his self-reproach could have a viable, rational explanation. A locus outside of his body by which to rationalize his self-hatred. Accident or not becomes irrelevant; he was involved, and thus he is guilty.
He reminds me a lot of that post that was circulating once about how cultish behavior inculcates intelligent people with more devastating pull than one might expect, because intelligent people can more easily and more insistently find ways to desperately rationalize their situation to function in that whirlpool of abuse. Dazai feels like he's in this same such Catch-22, so busy believing he deserves to be scorned (because of how well he hides his perceived abnormalities) that he takes steps to ensure and reinforce it. He wants and needs to see his reality make sense, and if it won't answer his designs he will find a way to make it so.
It fascinates me because Dazai is an incredibly complex example of someone who desires control, but instead of inflicting it with external rapacity, he targets his own internal state. I once heard a Buddhist explain: yes, it is a sign of disturbance to engage with others aggressively and without grace. However, it is also a sign of disturbance when the mind seeks to harm one's own body. Although Dazai's disturbance is not as apparent, it is there. And that's part of what makes him so excruciatingly compelling to me, in a lot of ways he is the manifestation of the Sisyphean suffering of being ill in a quiet way. In enduring and smiling and laughing because you don't want to burden others--or know you're not allowed to--all while you slowly bleed from the inside out.
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musich8rr 1 year
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Rowland S. Howard's fun MySpace account! This is used with the WayBack Machine and was around 2009
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deimosatellite 1 year
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killing machine rei suwa
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catboy-bride 1 year
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LEON'S WALLPAPER?????
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fauvester 9 months
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Happy birthday fauve! Easily my fave current artist in garashir- I鈥檓 a sucker for those fat cardassian babies
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AWWWWW... THANK YOU!!! FAT CARDASSIAN BABIES BE UPON YE
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rendellstreet 11 months
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Missing him so badly, like come back my love... my darling...
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0wllight 2 months
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finally redid polars ref- paradox is next but i like how this one came out, i think its a big improvement from the old one :) even tho i'm not currently fixated on harbor i just wanted to redo his ref!
(ok to rb, insert uses any pronouns!)
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cowboylikejesper 3 months
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i love projecting every little thing about me onto wylan
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