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loki-hargreeves · 2 years

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Steven Grant x fem!Reader - Let Her Go

Pairing: Steven Grant x fem!Reader but Marc also makes an appearance Warnings: idiots in love in the beginning so fluff, getting mugged, sexual harassment, injury, spitting on someone, angst, hurt/comfort, loads of mentions of blood Word Count: 3,8K Summary: You’ve been dating Steven Grant for a while and things are fantastic, until they’re not. You get mugged in an alleyway which forces Marc to make an appearance. [This is supposed to take place around the same time the series begin.] A/N: What can I say? I am a sucker for Oscar Isaac and angst. Enjoy!

YOUR POV

“I’m telling the truth, you must believe me!” Steven was playfully offended over the fact that you did not believe the facts he presented you with, or at least that’s what you claimed.

Not that you had a reason to believe he was lying since he was quite an expert on Egyptian mythology and he didn’t seem like the dishonest type. Sometimes it was just fun to goof with him. After all, Steven was the cutest man you knew of and you felt ever so lucky that he seemed to find you cute as well. The way his eyes sparkled when he was smiling absolutely enthralled you.

“And I’m telling you that I’m not convinced,” You took a daring step closer to him, pointing your finger at his nose and poking him, feeling the effects of the red wine you had drunk over dinner. Steven grinned like a schoolboy, overjoyed by the evening so far. It helped that he found your behaviour endearing. The two of you had been on yet another date and it had gone well, so well in fact that you were on your way to his flat for tea and board games. Things were getting more serious between the two of you, which you were happy about.

“What will it take to convince you?” He wondered with a genuine smile on his face, looking at you like you were the only person in the world that mattered.

Retracting your finger to now rest upon your jaw, you put on a thoughtful face and leaned closer to him, “I think you’ll have to keep talking. Maybe over tea, on your couch...I’m all ears,” You let him know what might’ve been just enough to convince you. Truly, you were just looking for an excuse to listen to him. Steven was passionate and when he talked about his interests, it melted your heart. If he was up to it, you would listen to him for hours.

“If that’s what it takes, then I’ll have to do it,” Steven couldn’t believe his luck. He didn’t understand how his dorky enthusiasm had charmed you, the most wonderful person he knew. When he had first asked you out, he had hardly believed that he had done it. The words had simply slipped out of his mouth and before he had been given a chance to stumble over his words and take it back, you had said yes. A few weeks had passed and everything was going splendidly.

The clouds above you were hiding the stars and only a small parting allowed moonlight to pour down onto you, illuminating the London streets in a faint, silver hue. Traffic was surprisingly light, possibly because it was a Thursday night and it looked like it could begin to rain any second now. Nevertheless, you had decided to walk the short distance from the restaurant to Steven’s flat.

Steven offered his arm for support as you crossed the street and you were more than happy to hold onto him. Dating him was still a new thing. You had only been on a handful of dates together and Steven was a gentleman, never trying to push you into anything. He was respectful and kind, funny too. In a short period of time, you had fallen for him much harder than anticipated. Somehow it felt like you had been dating for much longer. Being around him made you feel safe.

Holding onto him and being so close, you could smell his cologne. It wasn’t overpowering, but it smelled so much of him and you wanted to get lost in that. Steven was slightly tense, because he was so focused on trying not to trip over his own feet while holding onto you. Accidentally hurting you was the last thing he wanted to do. You tightened your grip on his sleeve and caught him glancing at your hand and then smiling.

“Would you like to grab something from Alma’s on our way? I heard the chocolate cupcakes are marvellous,” Steven wondered, leading you toward an alleyway you had walked through many times before.

Alma’s was a small bakery he had picked up baked goods from before and you recalled him telling you about the old lady who worked there. She was really nice to him and even gave Steven a discount when she heard he bought them for his date, aka you.

“I’d love to. Maybe Alma is there tonight,” You were curious to meet her. Steven made her sound lovely and besides, you couldn’t say no to baked good, could you?

Looking ahead of you in the alleyway that seemed much darker now than before, you noticed something - no, someone sitting on the ground next to an overflowing dumpster.

“Oh my god,” after blinking a few times, getting used to the dimness, you realized the man had blood on his t-shirt. The sight alarmed you and instantly, without hesitating, you let go of Steven and hurried to the injured man. “Are you okay?!”

Steven tried to grab your hand, but you were already on your way to the man. A gut feeling told him something wasn’t right, but everything happened so quickly. He couldn’t stop you, even if he had wanted to.

“Y/N!” Steven called after you and tried to catch up with you. The gut feeling grew stronger and fast, as if something was screaming at him to get you away from that man.

Before Steven could do as much as taking another hurried step toward you, two masked people emerged from the shadows and grabbed him forcefully by his arms. More of the swarmed seemingly out of nowhere and even the ‘injured’ man stood up as if nothing had ever bothered him at all. Steven watched in horror as the blood-covered man wrapped his arms around you, turning you so your back was pressed against his shirt and his arm wrapped dangerously around your throat, his other hand resting on top of your head.

“Hey!” Steven tried to break free from their hold, but froze instantly when a masked man pulled a gun from his coat. Seeing you like that was easily one of the most frightening things he had ever seen and it kick-started something within him he didn’t know existed until now. Steven was not going to let anything happen to you or else he wouldn’t know how to live with himself.

This can’t be happening...

“Woah, there’s no need for that,” Steven tried to stay calm, knowing that he couldn’t possibly let this escalate to a point where guns were needed. Right now, that was the last thing he wished for.

“Give me your wallet,” The armed man demanded, his voice muffled by the thick fabric of his mask. Steven didn’t know what was more terrifying, the lack of empathy in his eyes or the way the words came out so smoothly. The man seemed like he had done this many times before and he wasn’t afraid.

Steven nodded a few times, feeling helpless as he was let go. He knew he could try to reach you but that could cost him being shot. Instead, he decided to do what was asked of him.

“Alright, mate. Hold on,” Steven put his trembling hands in his pockets, searching for his wallet. After checking his pants and his jacket, he remembered that he had put his wallet in your purse when you had decided to walk, since he didn’t want to carry it in his pocket. Bloody hell.

“What’s taking so long?” The man was certainly not patient, waving his gun around threateningly, making Steven’s pulse skyrocket. His heartbeat was ringing in his ears by now. He looked at the gun and then at you, still being held by the throat. If the man wanted to, he could snap your neck like nothing.

“I don’t have it on me-”

“Bullshit! Don’t lie to me,” The man raised his voice, refusing to believe Steven didn’t carry his wallet with him.

“It’s not on me, i-it’s in her purse,” Steven quickly corrected. He didn’t want their attention on you, but right now it seemed like the only way to get out of this mess.

“Steven!”

What was that? Steven could’ve sworn he heard his own name being spoken, but he was sure he knew none of these people.

Deciding to ignore what he just heard, he focused on you instead. For a moment, the armed man just stared at Steven, trying to decide whether or not he trusted him. After making up his mind, he nodded to one of his friends and turned around to look at you. With every step they took approaching you, Steven’s worry grew. He shot you an apologetic look and prayed to whoever could hear him for things to go well.

“Down here, look at me!” The voice returned.

It sounded so much like Steven himself. As he dared to peek down, he saw his reflection in a dirty puddle, but it didn’t move in sync with him. The sight was startling. Was this how it would end? With you getting mugged in an alleyway as his reflection spoke to him? Was he losing it?

“I don’t have much time to explain things, you just have to trust me. These people are dangerous, you need to let me handle this,” The reflection explained with an accent that certainly didn’t belong to Steven.

“W-What?” That was all Steven could say, narrowing his eyes in disbelief. Was this a fever dream? Was any of this actually happening?

“Be quiet!” One of the muggers demanded, landing a punch in Steven’s gut, instantly making him double over in pain. It knocked the air out of his lungs and for an alarming moment, Steven was gasping for air. The man stepped back and let Steven hit the cold ground, face landing in the murky puddle. He groaned in pain and heard you screaming out his name with so much fear it made his heart ache.

“You need to give me control, I’ll get you out of here,” Puddle Steven spoke despite the disturbed surface of the water. The tiny ripples hadn’t warded him off.

Further away, you were fighting against your fear as you tried to put on a tough face. The man with the gun was standing in front of you now as one of his men was going through your purse. At this point, you didn’t care about a wallet or two, all you wanted was to walk away from this with Steven. Nothing else mattered.

“What do we have here?” The man looked you up and down, not shying away with his nasty glare. The way he looked at you made you feel dirty. If if wasn’t for the worry you felt for Steven, you wouldn’t be biting your tongue the way you were right now.

This felt like it was all your fault.

“Perhaps you have more to offer us than a wallet? What do you say, sweetheart?” The man tilted his head, talking to you as if you were stupid. Whatever he was suggesting, you weren’t having any of it.

“Take it, my purse and everything. Just let us go, please!” You attempted to strike some sort of agreement with them. Perhaps one of them had a heart? Maybe, just maybe they would be happy with your purse and its contents. Couldn’t that be enough? Things could be replaced. Sure, it would suck but at least you would live.

“You’re funny,” He chuckled at your desperation, treating it like a joke. The next thing that happened was vile, making you tense up like stone. He put his filthy hands on your body, patting you down in search of something valuable. What he was truly searching for was the look on your face when he traced your curves, touching you in ways that made you want to cut his hands off.

“Let her go!” Steven yelled as he saw what was going on, feeling sick to his stomach when he realized they were after more than just your purse. He tried to get up from the concrete ground, not fearing what they might do to him as his only concern was to help you. The man that had punched him before tried to hold him back, but Steven prevailed, surprising himself with his strength. Unfortunately, there were too many of them and he couldn’t fight them all. He could only hope that someone heard the uproar that was happening and called for help.

“Let her go you sick freaks!” Steven shouted again, his anger not reflecting his usual bubbly personality at all. Seconds later, someone’s fist collided with his jaw which knocked him out of his senses. The ringing in his ears was all Steven could hear for a second as he faltered to the ground, scraping his skin on the rough impact. The taste of blood filled his mouth, making it feel like he had dirty pennies on his tongue. Then the pain hit him, seconds after the collision. Whoever had punched him knew exactly what they were doing.

Seeing them hurting Steven was the last push you needed to defend yourself. These people didn’t care about you and they weren’t going to let you go even when you gave them what they wanted. You had to fight if you wanted a chance of survival.

It must’ve caught them off guard when you bit the man who was holding his arm around your throat because he let you go. The armed man didn’t have time to move his hands off your body when your elbow made contact with his face. It hurt him much more than it hurt you. As they both stepped back in shock and pain, you tried to leap past them toward Steven who was on the ground, receiving kicks all over his body.

“You bitch!” The armed man tried to yank you back to him, but you acted quickly and out of anger, spitting at him. It was repulsive, but it worked as he seemed more worried about wiping his face than grabbing you - his guys were already on it.

“Stop it!” You screamed at them, grabbing onto one of the empty glass bottles that had been resting on the ground next to one of the dumpsters. You swung it as hard as you could at one of the men’s heads, breaking the glass into a million little pieces on impact. The man was stunned, falling limp on the ground but two more took his place. You realized your odds of winning this fight were slim to none, but what else were you supposed to do?

A gunshot went off nearby, so close that it hurt your ears. Who had been shot, you had no idea until you struggled to move. It didn’t hurt at first, until something burned the skin around your stomach area, taking you by surprise. Perhaps shock was a blessing because you couldn’t feel much at all.

Everything after that happened so fast, it all blurred together into something hazy and unclear. You were overpowered and soon found yourself on the ground, clutching your abdomen as hot, crimson blood pooled around you. It flowed through your fingers, leaving them sticky and warm despite the cold weather. The oddest thing was, that you could hardly feel the pain of the wound you didn’t even recall getting. The only distress you felt was emotional misery, watching through blurred vision as these strangers abused the man you were certain you loved.

It felt like you just blinked, but the next thing you saw was Steven standing up. He was dressed differently and the people around him were dropping to the ground like flies. Was that really Steven? Whatever it was, that was the last thing you saw before you slipped into unconsciousness, allowing the numbness it offered to embrace you.

There were glimpses you caught of what happened afterwards, but they made no sense. It felt like a dream, created by your brain as an attempt to grasp what was happening. Were you dying?

You pried your weary eyes open and realized someone was carrying you in their arms. You couldn’t see their face, only a pair of white, glowing eyes. Was that a crescent moon on their chest?

The next moment of lucidity you had, you found yourself wrapped in a blanket of some sort. The person that had carried you before was still holding you, but you were resting on the ground. A warm feeling covered you from head to toe, slowly taking away your pain.

“Steven...” You moaned in agony, feeling a sharp sting in your chest which prevented you from saying anything else.

“Don’t move,” The person told you almost a little bluntly, although it seemed pretty clear he was helping you. Whatever it was he was doing, it was helping. This person sounded so familiar...

“Close your eyes, you will be fine.”

Steven didn’t know what happened and he certainly didn’t know how you were at his flat. One moment he had been on the ground, lying in a puddle as he was being kicked like a dog. His reflection had spoken to him and suddenly his entire reality seemed to glitch. Now he was standing in his living room with blood on his clothes and he didn’t even really know whose blood it was. His brown eyes were travelled from his bloody hands to you bleeding out on his couch.

“Oh no,” Worry spiked in his heart when he saw the condition you were in. “No no no...” Steven was afraid to touch you, but he had to find the source of all that blood. He should’ve called an ambulance and the police, but he didn’t have his phone and right now, he knew he needed to stop the bleeding.

When Steven tugged at your bloodstained shirt, he was surprised to see nothing but smooth skin. No wounds, no bruises, no nothing. There was just blood that had begun to dry, turning into a much darker shade. He had to touch you just to know it was real. As his fingers traced the soft skin of your stomach, nothing changed. You were somehow unharmed, at least as far as he could tell.

“How...” Steven didn’t understand anything. At that moment, he realized that he felt fine too. There was no way that he was supposed to feel fine after what had just happened, yet his jaw that had been dislocated was now perfectly fine. Even when he brought his hand to touch his jaw that had previously been tender, he couldn’t feel any pain. It was as if nothing had happened at all.

“Steven?” Your voice cut off all of his other thoughts. Hearing it felt like a blessing, because it meant you were alive and well enough to speak.

“Y/N! Thank goodness...” Steven felt so relieved to see those precious eyes of yours looking into his. “You’re okay, we’re alright. We’re safe, yeah?” He was kneeling beside the couch, his bloody hand reaching to hold yours. When he found your hand, he brought it to his lips and placed desperate kisses on your knuckles, needing to convince both of you of the fact you were safe. He just needed to feel you, to hear and see you moving, talking, breathing. After everything that happened, he didn’t know what senses to trust, but he couldn’t doubt you.

For a moment, he thought he had lost you.

And you had thought you’d lost him.

Scurrying off the couch as if you had never been hurt at all, you joined Steven on the floor and wrapped your arms around him, embracing him like never before. It surprised him, but you were happy when he hugged you back, clinging onto your bloodied clothes for dear life. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes as he finally believed you were okay.

Guilt was beginning to eat you alive. As you sat there, embracing him, all you could think of was how everything could’ve been avoided if you hadn’t run off like that. If you had stepped back for a moment and realized it was a trap all along. If Steven had died because of your mistake, you didn’t know what you would’ve done with yourself.

“I’m so sorry, Steven...” By now, the shock had begun to wear off and your feelings were overwhelming, causing tears to run down your cheeks and wash away the dirt and dry blood. “I’m so sorry.”

“What?”

Steven pulled apart from you so he could face your sorrowful expression, absolutely bewildered when he heard you apologizing for what had happened. In what world was that your fault? The pained confusion must’ve been obvious on his face as his dark brows furrowed together when facing you. Steven brushed your face softly, wiping away your tears, too shocked to speak right away.

“I shouldn’t have...I shouldn’t have run to him like that,” You sniffled, feeling awful when you retraced your steps. Although it had happened not that long ago, it somehow already felt like days had passed.

“Don’t you say that,” Steven refused to let you blame yourself for simply being compassionate. It broke his heart to hear that. “You saw someone in pain and you didn’t hesitate to help, please never apologize for that,” the last plead came out as merely a whisper.

“You could’ve died.”

“I didn’t. You didn’t. We’re okay,” Steven reminded you, although he didn’t have the slightest clue of how you ended up at his flat, let alone how your injuries magically disappeared. What condition were the others in? Were they alive? The amount of blood he was covering him led Steven to believe something bizarre had happened.

In a moment as mysterious and overwhelming as that, you couldn’t find words to do it justice. Instead, you could only hold onto Steven and relish the fact you were miraculously saved from that nightmare. Nothing else mattered than the feeling of his face nuzzled in the crook of your neck as the sweet scent of his cologne filled your lungs. Sure, it mixed with the foul and irony smell of blood, but after a while, you got used to it.

“What are we going to do?”

Steven had no answers for you. The wheels in his brain were turning, but he couldn’t think clearly. He fell silent, just holding you and rocking your bodies gently as he sought comfort in the midst of everything else. His eyes wandered around his apartment until he stared at the mirror nearby. Once again, his reflection was someone else.

Something told Steven that whoever that was had the answers you were seeking.

A/N: So that was my first Steven Grant one-shot! I haven’t written in a while because of my personal life, but watching Moon Knight has inspired me a lot. I hope this is alright.

Hearing your feedback would mean the world to me, especially since this is a new character I’m writing for. Thank you for reading! <3

#moon knight #steven grant #steven grant x reader #steven grant x fem!reader #moon knight x reader #moon knight x fem!reader #steven grant one-shot #steven grant imagine #steven grant fanfiction #moon knight fanfiction #oscar isaac moon knight #mcu fanfiction

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genshin-impact-writings · 2 years

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Hello!!! May I request ''let me be there for you.'' w/ Kaeya? Please and thank you? Of course take all the time you need in writing this or feel free to disregard it all together :) Oh, and I'd just like to say that your writing is *mwah* IMACCULATE <3 Anyway, have a pleasant day/night!

Hey there, Val! <3 Thank you so much for your request, this really was the perfect prompt for Kaeya. I got the initial idea during the weinlesefest event and figured it goes well with the prompt. I apologize if this is all over the place though... I'm struggling with writer's block at the moment but I really wanted to get this one done. Also, is heavily inspired by “On my own” by Ashes Remain, hence the title. (also, thank you so much for your kind words. <3 Hope you have a great day, too)

Prompt: “Let me be there for you.”

On my own – Kaeya x gn!reader (hurt/comfort)

As soon as Kaeya returned home that day, you knew that something was wrong. Although he tried his best to put on his usual gleeful smile when he greeted you, you easily realized that it was nothing but a mere act to hide the fact that something had upset him. You could tell from the way he carefully avoided your gaze, almost as if he feared that you’d be able to read his thoughts if you looked at him for too long.

You frowned. It wasn’t a secret that Kaeya liked to keep his struggles to himself, that he always tried to sort things out for himself, no matter how awful it made him feel. And you hated it – you hated that he probably felt like he had to go through all of this on his own. But what you hated even more was the fact that there really was nothing you could do to help him.

“Rough day?” you asked softly. Maybe he would tell you what was bothering him, just this one time. But instead, he just shrugged, flashing another smile at you that was as fake as Nimrod’s promise not to get drunk again. “I’m fine.”

If someone had asked him why he kept lying to you, Kaeya wouldn’t have known the answer. It wasn’t like he enjoyed being dishonest – it hurt him so much to lie to your face, to pretend that everything was fine when it wasn’t, and he knew you well enough to realize that his dishonesty hurt you too. (It would be foolish to believe that you didn’t notice how he always avoided your questions. And Kaeya wasn’t foolish.) Heck, maybe it would have even helped to talk about the things that kept him awake at night recently but whenever he thought he had gathered the courage to do just that, he suddenly couldn’t find the right words – and in the end, he always remained silent.

It was stupid, really, to think that he still had to deal with everything on his own while you were right there in front of him, ready to listen to him, to comfort him when he needed it. There was no doubt that you would do everything in your power to help him – if only he could bring himself to finally talk to you, to tell you that recently, he had been thinking about his father and his childhood at Dawn Winery a lot. That he sometimes wondered what would have been if his father hadn’t left him there.

How could he, though? How could he tell you all of that without making it sound like he wasn’t happy with his life right now? Like he wasn’t happy with you by his side?

“I’m fine,” Kaeya repeated slowly but even he realized how fake he sounded. And judging by the way you were looking at him, your eyebrows slightly raised, your pretty eyes full of concern, you noticed it too. He tried to crack another smile. “I really am.”

“It’s not going to sound more convincing if you just repeat it often enough,” you told him, the tone of your voice still so gentle that he almost caved in. But no. You already had things on your plate – you shouldn’t have to deal with his problems, too. So, he just pressed his lips together and shook his head, pushing you away once again.

With a deep sigh, you plopped down on the sofa and reached out for the Cavalry Captain, inviting Kaeya to sit with you. It took him a few seconds but then, he hesitatingly sat down next to you, back straight and hands curled into fists.

“Hey,” you said softly. “It’s fine if you don’t want to talk. And I understand that there are things that you don’t want to tell me. It’s just… it hurts me to see you like this. It makes me feel so helpless.” You paused and shook your head. “What I’m trying to say is, please let me be there for you. I know you want to deal with everything on your own but – the thing is, you don’t have to. I’m right here.”

For a while, Kaeya didn’t reply anything, and the room went completely silent. Through the opened window, you could hear the distant chatter of passersby as well as the jolly chirping of birds.

Then, as you almost started to believe that he wouldn’t react to your little speech in any way, you felt him leaning against you, resting his head on your shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

You kissed the top of his head and wrapped your arms around him. “Nonsense. There’s nothing you have to apologize for.”

“But you were worried about me. I never wanted that.”

“Shh. It’s okay.”

With a shaky exhale, Kaeya buried his face in the crook of your neck. He still wasn’t ready to talk about his father or the constant thoughts of “What if…” that occupied his mind recently, and maybe he would never be, but for now, he allowed himself to push these worries aside as he melted into your embrace, indulging in the certainty that you were there by his side, no matter what would happen in the future.

Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed it please consider reblogging, liking and/or leaving some feedback. I'd really appreciate the support. <3

Taglist: @kaeyas-beloved @the-gayest-sky-kid @genshinparty @ajaxstar @quixoticmirror @nakurak

#kaeya x reader #kaeya x you #kaeya alberich x reader #kaeya alberich x you #kaeya alberich fluff #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact fluff #genshin impact hurt/comfort #gn!reader #gender neutral reader #reader insert #genshin impact imagine

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goemon-fan · 1 year

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Warning for mention of abuse

This isn't too relevant to my main point, but I am interested in the MBTI and decided to break down Goemon's personality from both the manga and the anime. Something interesting I've found is that they have the same personality (INFJ), and extremely similar enneagrams (Manga - 2w1, Anime - 1w2). However, the similarities do not end there. After thinking about it, and going over the manga and anime's canon, it seems that Goemon from the manga and anime are in fact the same person (in more than just name), but with different responses to trauma. I personally headcanon that both started off as warm, loving individuals who were abused into becoming the people they are today (as evident by Anime Goemon's subtle yet deep compassion and care for others, that really begins to show itself once Momochi is dead and he makes true friends). I want to go over what I have concluded, and would like to hear other's insights. (Also please tell me if I have gotten anything about Manga Goemon wrong, Anime Goemon is my area of expertise)

I will begin by going over their core similarities:

Both grew up in abusive homes, and this in turn has had an impact on their social skills and relationships with others (Manga Goemon strengthened his social skills and became extremely kind and warm, while Anime Goemon's social skills suffered and he became colder)

Both have the same core values in regards to friendship, justice, and various other morals

Both present a dishonest version of themselves to the world as a defense mechanism (more on this later, but Manga Goemon pretends he's okay when he's not, while Anime Goemon pretends he wasn't hurt in the first place)

Both want people in their lives, and for someone to care about them

Both do not want to needlessly kill despite being assassins (in the anime, this can be seen with Goemon putting off killing Lupin and showing a "demonstration of mercy" which allowed Lupin to get away), and do not belong in the profession

Both are disturbed by their master's cruel treatment of the bird

Both have healed from their trauma by letting people into their lives

Both have inappropriate emotional outbursts, due in part to their underlying trauma (Manga Goemon can be stuck up on justice and honesty, while Anime Goemon can be easily angered by minor inconveniences)

Now, as for differences:

Manga Goemon:

Is overly accommodating

Needs to be with others, even if they violate his values (he merely swapped his masters for Lupin, rather than going off on his own)

Sacrifices his needs to be with others

Suppresses his feelings with a smile

Is afraid of being alone

Pretends he's happy when he's not

As for Anime Goemon:

He is overly hostile

He pushes people away too easily, if he feels his independence or morals are at risk

He sacrifices his relationships with others to be himself

He suppresses his feelings with anger

He is afraid of being hurt

He pretends he's stoic when he's not (a great example of this was in Episode 13 when Lupin faked his death, he initially felt devastated until snapping back to his usual demeanor when he realized that Jigen was watching him, and it makes me wonder if Momochi had any part in "training" him to do this)

They are like mirror versions of one another, with one taking in the world to heal from trauma, and the other pushing out the world. Manga Goemon is heavily dependent on relationships with others to feel stable, and alters himself to be of use and worth keeping around. Anime Goemon is heavily dependent on his independence to feel stable, and alters his relationships to maintain his autonomy. Manga Goemon responds to trauma with happiness and putting on a smile, while Anime Goemon responds to trauma with anger.

The interesting thing though is that both approaches are flawed. Manga Goemon does not find a happy ending from the continuous suppression of his morals and feelings, and he loses himself for the sake of ensuring that he is loved and has someone, anyone, in his life. Anime Goemon's attempts at isolating himself from the world make him miserable and unhappy, in stark contrast to the joyful and silly person he normally is.

Anime Goemon, however, does find a happy ending. He gradually works on allowing people into his life over the course of Part 1, and directly addresses his flaws and shortcomings. He works on his anger by maintaining his calm and trusting in Lupin, which is demonstrated in the train conductor episode. He works on allowing others into his life, and gradually spends more time with Lupin and friends. He becomes much more emotionally expressive, with lines such as "We're afraid of him, too." He is no longer as afraid of being hurt, and is willing to take the risk for the sake of friendship, love, and intimacy. He gradually becomes less stoic, and openly displays his joy at silly things like impersonating a police officer, or a chef, or a edo period samurai.

I love how Part 1 has this subtle message of it being possible to recover from trauma, and that better times await for those who keep trying. As for Manga Goemon, he needs a hug

#lupin iii manga #goemon ishikawa xiii #lupin the third #lupin iii #mbti thoughts #mbti #mbti personalities #monkey punch #i dont know just some thoughts

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idontwanttospoiltheparty · 1 year

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ok here’s my question for you as a new Beatles fan now for a couple of months. what honestly did paul mccartney do that hurt john lennon so much (and continued to hurt him long after)?

am i missing something? cause it seems like paul had a lot of patience for john. in fact it seems all his patience was given to John cause man had no patience for anyone else (slowly becoming a george fan more and more each day because he was just not treated right man).

but really, was it an actual thing he did or continued doing that targeted John? again I’m new so maybe I missed something that happened while they were teens or something but I really can’t understand it? did paul steal his girl early on or tried to sabotage the band, did he try to put george and ringo against john? im just confused because the distain he had for paul in the seventies in terms of all the wrongs paul did to him and how yoko mentioned paul always hurt john, im really wondering if i missed something and should be actively disliking Paul too. anywyas thanks for your response !

Hi anon! Apologies for taking a while to get back to you.

So, I think you probably aren't missing anything major, no, at least when it comes to events we in fact know about.

I get a sense that perhaps you've been exposed to John's most negative comments about Paul, but not so many of the nicer ones he made in the 70s. That's not to say I don't think John was sometimes downright vitriolic towards Paul during that period, but it might be a tad less extreme than you think. (It can also be helpful to seek out recordings, if available – often, the words seem worse on paper than how they were actually delivered.)

Anyways, a thing I've learned with regard to assessing John and Paul's fallout is that… You kind of have to decide whom you trust more.

On the one hand, you have John, who expressed rather extreme hurt over what Paul supposedly did or did not do, without really clarifying what specifically Paul did to hurt him. On the other, you have Paul, who over and over expressed a general puzzlement at John's behaviour toward him, seemingly unaware of what he had done to hurt John.

This can lead to two extreme conclusions:

John is being truthful for the most part; Paul hurt him in a way that would upset most people a lot and Paul has been saving face since, pretending he doesn't know what he did, or is so emotionally stunted/self-involved he genuinely doesn't know what he did.

John has exaggerated Paul's crimes to an extreme extent; his reactions to what Paul did or didn't do are fundamentally irrational and thus Paul's confusion is completely understandable.

Now, I kind of deliberately worded both of these using highly inflammatory language. To be clear, if you ask me, the most likely scenario is something in the middle, vast as that spectrum might be. It can be difficult to discuss this stuff candidly, because certain people can get very protective of their faves and hear a dismissal of them when you suggest they were at some point dishonest or even cruel. I showed the two extremes because I've seen people fall into them or believe other people were falling into them, because certain talking points were brought up.

Personally, I fall somewhat more on the John Kind Of Exaggerated side of things, though I think Paul was probably more ill-equipped to communicate effectively with John than some. That being said, I think we as a society have come an extremely long way with our championing of communication skills, so I think it's very easy for us to judge, from 2023. To be fair to John, too, though, I think there are a lot of things Paul might've done to hurt him, which he for entirely understandable reasons would not want to go into publicly – his lack of clarity on Paul's transgressions isn't necessarily in of itself suspect.

I also think you shouldn't assume that John being hurt necessarily means anyone was ill-intended towards him. A lot of heartbreak is caused completely unintentionally. John also likely had trust issues and insecurities that made it hard for Paul's efforts with him to register as loving.

In the end, this stuff is difficult to parse, though, and there's valid reasons to trust either of them more than the other, I think.

#ask #jp #my analysis #fiona.docx #meta

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buttclench-ryugazaki · 1 year

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gonna be hater so here are my half-inebriated thoughts about what i didn't like about the final stroke part dos

• boring. you can even stop reading right here because that's my overarching opinion

• i still don't fully understand or like the conflict between rin and haru and resolution was... confusing? and frustrating! the race and following conversation don't actually address the issue of haru feeling abandoned. he apologizes for saying hurtful things he didn't actually mean and rin apologizes for... not thinking of haru's feelings when making decisions about his own swimming career? (i don't want to turn this into what is basically an r/AmITheAsshole thread, because i hate how contemporary fandom discourse treats every fictional conflict like one, but like. haru's TA. rin did nothing wrong. they kind of acknowledge it but they don't follow through). i don't really know what i was supposed to take away from this ordeal

• if not outright retconning stuff, attempting to write around or re-contextualize stuff in a way that i find dishonest or disrespectful to viewers' intelligence. the big example being haru confronting his younger inner self, where it actually turns out he was actively repressing his desire to swim in a relay as an affect of his loneliness (?), instead of simply being apathetic as he was previously written. why rewrite the main character's backstory and motivations at the very last minute? we've been along for this ride for the past nine years, come on

• rin continuing with his "my relation to haru isn't that simple" explanation to ikuya, who as far as i remember simply described them as friends. or suggested that rin see haru in the infirmary because that's an inconsequential but kind thing to do? i do not fucking understand. i hated this stance in fs1 and i hate it now. they have a unique bond for sure but they're not not friends

• speaking of rin and haru's friendship, i was put off by the "red-blue super sentai destined partners" imagery, and then the shot of them holding hands as kids. i've always viewed rin and haru as two people who were undoubtedly important to each other but, in regards to certain parts of their individual lives, not particularly close. those shots felt like they mischaracterized their relationship to be a lot closer retroactively (but because of the nature of interpretation i am more willing to let this one go. also nobody can accuse me of having a bias against rinharu, by the way, i used to be huge on rinharu. but i have thoughts about what it looks like and it wasn't this)

• i got a little irritated with how many times a character would start talking about haru and how much they need to support haru, oh we haven't seen him in a while is he doing okay? my times are getting better don't you think BUT HARU- i don't think this is an inherently bad way to convey information to an audience but it happens too frequently in scenes that are already too short. so i never felt like i got to see the characters fully as i know and love them because they were too busy providing commentary

• kinjou barely had any impact as a character, as a villain, as an ally, etc. his big climactic heel-turn moment is him finally giving teamwork a try (at the expense of asahi's participation, press f to pay respects lmao), i guess. when he was introduced in df i was excited for him to be an honest to goodness asshole for once in free!'s history but his presence quickly fizzled out. he stopped being threatening right away and there wasn't nearly enough there to make me care about him

• what were these two movies about, anyway? what was the arc and what was the resolution? early promotional material, as well as a significant portion of part 1, made me believe it was about haru reexamining his relationship to competitive swimming and the possibility of going pro, but it just concludes with "haru continues to do the thing he set out to do a season ago." i admit i am one of those people who wasn't completely satisfied with the ending of eternal summer, where haru decides to start competing seriously after a season of fighting exactly that. it didn't feel like a solid resolution. so i was intrigued with the idea that haru could outright quit, or reorient his goals, something. but that didn't happen. and it didn't have to, really, but anything other than "and the story continues!!!" would have been better. nothing changed in the end. what was the point

#free!#free! the final stroke part ii #i didn't like it sorry y'all

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ramen8008 · 2 years

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Here is a one-shot I wrote. It's on my Wattpad I am gonna make an AO3 account soon too so I will write that in my description so anyways:

Marinette Pov:

I finally reached home after the akuma attack barely making it in my room before I detransform. I sighed in relief and give tikki a macaroon.

"You guys can come out now it's safe nobody is here" as I say that all the kwamis come out of their hiding.

"Glad you are safe ladybug" wayzz said. I prefer being called Marinette or ladybug by the kwamis it feel weird being called master and I know how hard it would have been for the kwamis when master fu's memories were erased especially wayzz he was his best friend.

"Yeah we saw the fight on the magical box thing it seemsssss like it was a pretty intenssssse fight" sass says flying up to me.

"Yeah we saw how you almost got hit by the villians but thankfully chat noir saved you" one of the kwamis said.

"Yeah don't remind me because of me chat noir almost got hurt badly" I groaned i hated seeing chat get hurt over and over again to save me. "I understand that that you might not enjoy seeing you partner get hurt but you have to be on the battle field no matter what because you have the power to bring your partner back in case of him getting injured" wayzz said.

"Yeah but I am still worried about him getting hurt he is really reckless at times" I said and sighed knowing there is nothing I can do other then be more careful. "Awww it's alright to be worried about the love of your life" mullo said catching me off guard.

"Wait you got it wrong me and chat are just partner and friends" I said but for some reason when I mentioned that all the kwamis except tikki, wayzz and sass gasp audibly confusing me.

The all started to mumble and whisper to eachother. "Why are you acting like this why does it matter", I ask.

"Well ladybug and chat noir are supposed to be together to keep the balance of the universe and we thought you guys were together" mullo said.

"WAIT WHAT!" I yelled. "Honey is everything alright up there" my mom screamed from downstairs "yeah mom everything is fine" I tell her and wait for awhile before having a nervous breakdown.

"Everything is not fine I didn't know this tikki why didn't I know this"

"Well we couldn't tell you for multiple reasons and you weren't supposed to know but I guess the kwamis forgot about that" tikki replied glaring at the other kwamis scaring them off.

"It's fine ladybug you just need time to figure this out and think about it" wayzz said.

"Yeah you are right I just need time to figure things out"

-------------------------

Dear diary,

It's been a few hours and I think I have calmed down I don't know why I was acting like it was the end of the world.

This is fine chat noir is a nice guy...even though I don't know him in his civilian form I can only prey that he isn't some kind of creep. Stop Marinette of course he isn't a creep he has been your partner and best friend for 2 years have some faith in him I'll be alright.

It's not like it was gonna work out with Adrien anyways we have become closer as friends but nothing more it's just as friends and it's not the worse. Tikki told me the best way to "amplify" my feeling for chat is to think of all the good relationship qualities of him and all the good friend qualities of Adrien. Yeah she said amplify because she claims that I already have a small crush on chat even if I don't admit it.

So anyways Adrien's good friend qualities are pretty much the same as before he is kind, helpful, good at advice, he can make you smile, he is so sweet and innocent.

Chat Noir's greatest quality is that he is loyal meaning he will never be dishonest in a relationship he is also selfless and even though his jokes suck he can still make me laugh. He is obviously a romantic person and also a gentlemen and on top of that i know that he is a good kisser.

---------a few hours later--------

Dear diary,

I can't sleep right now and it's all tikki's fault and because of her advice and now I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with chat.

UGHHH I guess I'll try to sleep for school tomorrow.

------------At School during break-----------

"Hey Marinette you alright you look kinda out of it is something wrong" Adrien asked me breaking me out of my trance.

Adrien and I were eating lunch in the nearby park since Nino and Alya ditched us like always.

"Yeah just kinda thinking about something"

"If you want you can tell me maybe I can help you with it" Adrien said with a smile that can make me melt but now all I saw was chat's smile.

"Umm you know what yeah I could use some advice and you seem like the only person I can talk to about this who won't ask a bunch of questions" I say maybe this could help me get over Adrien and either way Adrien might just give me good advice.

"Okay tell me I am all ears"

"Well there's this guy well not just any guy he has been my best friend since we met and-" I say and I looked to see Adrien surprised.

"Wait do I know this person do you like him and I thought Alya was your best friend and if not I would have liked to have the title of your guy best friend but I guess you already gave it to somebody" he said obviously joking with a small childish pout.

"Well maybe if you can help me get together with him I might be able to give you that title"I said without even thinking and my eyes widen and Adrien smirked.

"Oooooo I didn't know you had a crush who is he"

"You don't know him and I am not telling you that's why I chose you to talk to you because alya would start asking questions before I even finish and I don't think nino is the kind of person to take love advice"I say.

"Okay go ahead tell me all about him" he said in a teasing voice which sounded too much like Chat Noir's.

"Well he is my best friend and it's not exactly that I am afraid of being rejected because he has been asking me out since we met and I have been rejecting him for the past 2 years and I don't know how to tell him that I like him. And I don't want it to be rushed because he might became suspicious"

"Wait what do you mean suspicious and I don't see the problem he likes you "

"I don't want him to think I am playing with him and I have been pretty harsh with my rejections now that I think about it"

"Come on you can't be that bad. What do you say when he asks you out?" He asked curious.

"Umm I either just say no or tell him to stop or maybe sometimes I'll just ignore him" I say nervously.

"Oof you are harsh I would understand if it was a random person trying to hit on you but if this is your best friend jeez could have been a little nicer"

"Don't need to make me feel worse just tell me what to do"

"Okay if you want to be subtle you can first of try not rejecting him so harshly maybe just tell him a maybe later and give him a compliment and try laughing if he makes a joke every once in awhile" he said and suddenly the bells rang meaning that lunch was over.

"Okay that makes sense I'll try thanks for the advice"

"Anytime"

-------------------After patrol------------------------

"Hey M'lady" chat said landing behind me and coming up to stand next to me.

"Hey C-chat, Is everything clear on your side?" I ask I didn't realize that facing chat after what the kwamis told me would be this hard.

"Yeah it's all clear. By the way you look beautiful like always M'lady" chat said.

"Thanks, you look great too" I said giggling and I could see he was surprised by my reply but it made me feel even more guilty about how harsh I have been with him.

"Well I guess I should be going patrol is over" he said with a small smile still on his face.

"Well we are done early I am free and if you are maybe we can talk we haven't really have time to hang out" I said but immediately regretted maybe I shouldn't have said that maybe it was too sudden the surprise face on chat's face made it worse.

"Hanging out what happened to the ladybug I knew she would never have time for me"chat said jokingly with a teasing smirk but i knew it was true I hadn't made time for him at all.

"Well yeah I haven't been the best partner or friend and I really want to fix that I don't want to push away my best friend and partner"I said smiling at him and chat was obviously taken back but then a smile made its way on his face.

"Okay we can hang out I am free" he said sitting down and tapping the place next to him for me to sit and I happily obligated.

-----------------------------------------

Dear diary,

It's been a few days and chat and me have been hanging out after patrol everyday sometimes we get ice cream or race around Paris or sometimes we just talk I got to know alot about him including how much he values his friends due to him being neglected from an early age.

I realized how much he deserved and how vulnerable he actually is. And now I want to give him everything he deserves so much more he gets.

He is truly an amazing person and now he has been all I think about. I haven't even thought about adrien in awhile.

WAIT I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT ADRIEN AT ALL!!!

I didn't even realize that I have been so invested in chat and I can't stop thinking about our patrol hang puts or planning on what we can do next. Oh this is a disaster I k ow that I have starting to like chat more and more everyday even though I don't want to admit it but maybe I should tell him. I don't want to wait till it's too late even if tikki says I am rushing I don't think I am because what if he starts liking somebody else.

I stop writing just the thought of it made me wanna cry. Well it's settle I will tell chat how I feel tonight.

------------------At patrol hang out--------------

Third person:

Marinette was determined to tell chat her feeling at this point she had forgotten about what the kwamis told her only a few days ago. She had fallen hard and it was only matter of days . No she had always loved him just didn't admit it to herself but she finally did and she was gonna tell him how she feels.

"Hey M'lady ready for patrol?" Chat said walking next to her.

"Yeah but I have something for you first" ladybug answered awfully nervous.

"Ooo what is it"

Ladybug pulled out a present neatly wrapped in black wrapping and a green ribbon.

"Is this for me?" Chat said his eyes widen in surprise.

"Yeah open it" ladybug said excited and nervous hoping that he would like it.

Chat opened it to find a black a sweater with "I am a-meow-zing" written on it in green. Chat's eyes widen it was amazing he loved it and on top of it it was from his lady.

"Well I made it so it's not perfect I couldn't find the exact shade of green and some stitches are rushed because I really wanted to give it to you" Ladybug rambled nervously but stop when she saw that chat has already put it on and was modelling in it.

"So what do you think" he said striking a pose making ladybug laugh. Suddenly chat frowned "what's wrong?" Ladybug asked. "Well I don't have a gift for you" he said.

"You don't need to give me anything just take it as an early birthday present"

"But still this is amazing I want to give you something"

"Well you could give me a hug" ladybug said opening her arms to invite him to give a hug.

Chat gladly took the invited hugging her tightly. "Thanks for this I love you so much" chat said without even thinking making ladybug's heart beat faster.

"I love you too" she whispered but chat heard it he pulled away looking at ladybug with wide eyes.

"W-what did you say?" He asked.

"I-I said I love you too" ladybug said nervously looking at the ground.

"Do you mean it?" Chat asked in disbelief.

"Of course chat I am sorry I took so long to realize my feelings I was just too distracted to notice that you were always here for me"

As soon as she said that chat indulged her with a giant hug hugging her tightly with a love sick smile on his face.

"Can you say that again please" he asked.

"Say what?"

"What you just said I want to hear it again"

"I love you chat to the end of the universe and back I will always love you. You are my best friend and partner and I could never stop loving you" she said her hands on both his cheeks.

"I love you too M'lady to the end of the universe and back"

"May I?" He asked after a pause.

She nodded and as soon as she did he smashed his lips on hers.

#one-shot #one-shots #miraculous #marinette #ship #chat noir #ladybug #adrien #mlb #ladybug and chat noir #chat #ladynoir #cute #fanfic #wattpad #fanfiction

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coleas97 · 3 months

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Monday, the 22nd of January

Completing my prompt for February early, as I am unlikely to have the time to complete it at a later date. Is planning this early problematic? Potentially. Anyway. February, the month of love. Some sentences are choppy; I have little to say about some of the sub-prompts. Cheers

February: What is your first memory of being loved and how has that challenged or supported your idea of love today?

As a first memory of being loved, the easiest and most obvious answer is the love I unconditionally received from my late mother. She was strong and selfless and put everything aside to make others feel better. Going through the heartbreaking times that she did, she never once showed a sign of weakness or helplessness. She was my perfect example of love. At first, losing her felt like the love I had received throughout my younger years was for nothing. I remember feeling new emotions of hurt that I did not even know was possible for a human being to feel. After time, I was able to hold on to the love that she gave me and take it not as a thing of loss, but an example of how it is of vital importance to put your entire heart into something or someone, as it or they can be taken away from you in an instant. Everyone who I choose to have in my life gets 110% of me regardless of the fear I have that they may eventually leave.

From my father, I felt love at times and in other times, did not at all. It was given to me then taken away, sometimes in the span of minutes. He taught me that love can be dishonest and manipulative. Apologies were in the form of new toys, or "man-to-man secrets," which I would later know was just his manipulative way of teaching me that if he sneaks a woman into the house, it's okay not to tell my mother. Love from my father was and is something I choose not reflect on often. I do not think highly of him and for many years, did not think of him at all. I always say that I was born knowing what it was like to have a dead parent, as my brain never registered him to be a care-giver, or a friend, or a provider. Although physically present, he was absent-minded. A ghost, really.

As for romantic relationships, the first time I felt love was with my first ever girlfriend, who for privacy will be referred to as "N." She was beautiful, kind, and heavily reassuring. Our relationship took place in a time when we were both naive and focused on the wrong aspects of life (wrong to me, at least). N was my first experience with many things and was with me until a bit before my mom's passing. As time went on, I began to take interest in the more emotional aspects of being a relationship vs. the physical and materialistic. After losing my mom, I needed emotional support and I often felt "too much" for another person to handle in a romantic setting - which at the time, I believed was meant to be all fun and enjoyment. I shy away from temporary romantic situations with women; I shy away from temporary friendships with anyone as well. I do not feel loved in temporary situations.. in fact, I feel afraid, insecure, and frankly (and perhaps harshly) disgusted. I appreciate and require all relationships with people to be long-term and goal-oriented. To become my friend is to be there for each other forever, to date me is to marry me. My ears shut off after anything that mirrors the phrase "go with the flow." I am painfully structured and organized, and to say it plainly, I need to know where things will go in any and every situation. A control freak, maybe. My relationship pattern is to be intense and codependent, but full of love nonetheless. I would say I am successful at acquiring relationships with others and unsuccessful at maintaining them. Those who last long in my life are often those who struggle to let people go, not that they would want to leave.. or perhaps they would? I try not to think about those things often. Not sure what to say.

Parents and romantic relationships aside, nothing will really ever compare to the love I receive currently from my son, Axel. He has so much personality, humour, and intelligence, at his young age. He cries when he is happy, he smiles at strangers, he looks up at me with so much admiration.. I truly want to be the best possible human being for him. I want him to live his life fully free of pain, although I know that is unrealistic. I suppose all that matters is that he knows that I'm there for him. He recognizes that he has a mother and father who love him unconditionally and that is all I could ask for, really.

Overall I reckon I've given love more than I've received it (although my son most definitely makes up for any losses). I am self-admittedly a love addict and hopeless romantic. Love is one of those aspects of life I continuously seek and once found, latch onto. I struggle to know if this is a negative or positive thing. For now, it can be a positive.

So after all that, I don't know that I answered the question. Fingers crossed that this is good enough for my therapist to dissect come Thursday morning.

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areyoutheregoditsmejessica · 11 months

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hi! i'm the anon that sent the message you replied to a couple days ago :) <3 wanted to say thanks for taking the time to answer!

yeah, i think the absence of any clear indicators about buck and eddie not being straight kinda speaks for itself after so many seasons and various canon love interests. other shows get cancelled earlier than season 6, so i cannot imagine why the creators would purposefully wait that long to make this a topic if it was actually important for the characters.

i'm grieving the loss of bucktaylor :( taylor was fantastic! really liked how she was ambitious and confident but also supportive, sweet, and vulnerable. i even enjoyed their conflicts because they both hold strong values (e.g. taylor appreciating honesty above anything else) based on their own personal backstory. that both buck and taylor ultimately wanted to help and protect people but disagreed on how that protection should look like (e.g., taylor said that knowing the truth allows people to stay safe) was so intriguing! i did not understand why they went with the breakup the way they did. this would have been a great hurdle for them to work through imo, especially because buck is so much about forgiveness in other instances! most recently, the episode where hen and buck talk about madney in s6, and how buck stood up for maddie deserving love even though she hurt chim by leaving, and how hen's cheating was a topic as well. buck can have different boundaries of course, but he also cheated and was dishonest, betraying taylor's trust, and then hoped to be forgiven. idk, the entire end of bucktaylor felt so sudden to me sksksks

i agree with you, they do a fantastic job with bathena and madney! hence why i'm confused what they actually want to do with buck and eddie romance-wise. it all feels quite willy-nilly at this point.

crossing my fingers that they keep natalia for the next seasons so she can be fleshed out and developed, especially with that kind of interesting job she has! i want to see her be her own person with her own wishes and ambitions and backstory – not just "buck's girlfriend". i am tentatively hopeful and excited for natalia and bucktalia in s7!

oof, yeah, ig we'll have to wait and see when we get the next season! more time for the fandom to cool down lolol. have a nice day! <3

thank you for the messages!

yes, it's been more than obvious that this isn't the story the writers are telling. there have been no stories told over the last several seasons that has lasted for SEVERAL seasons. there is no long game being played here.

the breakup was sloppy and written lazily. i especially didn't like the moment of having taylor "confront" lucy. it made taylor seem insecure and placed all of the blame at lucy's feet.

i really hope natalia becomes her own character independent of buck! or just keep him single bc the revolving door of love interests and having him face his mortality can only be told so many times.

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nicolespeaks · 1 year

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You say you know me. You say you're scared I'm gonna switch and go against you, that I'm unpredictable and inconsistent.

I don't know you ish. I feel like I do, I believe I do, you tell me I do, but I don't.

You always speak on how you know who I am, then, don't you know why I do the things I do? Why I think the way I do?

I don't trust you. I can't believe you, because you ish, have always been a dishonest man. You have always lied, deceived, hid the truth while you knew me. If you know me then you know how much I believe in you. I think I know you, so I do so many things for you. You say you know me, yet you've never done the thing you know I need you to do.

You're disingenuous to nearly everyone. You lie to everyone. You pretend to everyone. You wear a mask to everyone, even to me. I've never felt let inside. I feel like I'm just a part of your life, a person you make your rounds to and be whoever you are with them. I never know who you are with me, I still don't. I still see the things you do and it's scary, and I question why do I believe such a confusing person.

I can't trust you because you've lied to me so many times, and I never knew, or I believed you. I can't trust you because I'm so believing. You've never told me anything on your own and I don't believe you ever will. So I have to be hyperviligant. Now I'm constantly aware of what you say, how you lie. And you lie so well I've just barely begun to understand. So when we have our moments, I have to tell myself to snap out of it, tell myself I can't trust this person cause I don't know who he is, cause I don't know how he lies.

That's who I know you as. To be so close to someone, to love someone, to never know what is real or truth, when everything is said the same, all the lies sound like truths and I can't distinguish what's what. It makes me so crazy. It's made me crazy. You watched me so insane, saying you know who I am, all while being who you are. I accept you because I believe you know me, but I can't accept that you would still do all the things youve done if you truly knew me, if you knew how much things meant to me, how I needed honesty, how confused I am by people and what they say, how I've always been messed with and lied to, how gullible and naive I am. You know me right? You're so scared of me leaving ish but you're the kind of person I fear the most. You're the kind of person that makes me fear people, that makes me hide and cower from anyone. It's terrifying being so close to someone, having them want me to be close, to be vulnerable, to trust them when they're who they are.

I tried so hard to believe you, to teach you, to make you become who I need you to be. But you're not, and I question myself on why I let this person I don't know hurt me so much, when I can find who I need, when someone will proudly give me what I need. It's a constant struggle and I choose you every time cause I believe in you so much, cause I believed what you told me, cause I told myself "he can be trusted if I give more", and I was always always wrong. You always proved me wrong.

So now ish, if you still know me, yet you're still scared that I'll leave, acknowledge who I really am, cause aren't I still here? After everything, after all the lies, I'm still here with you, the person I dont trust, can't believe. I'm still here knowing that, knowing I won't get what I need from you. I'm still here. That's who I am, and you know that. You know, I'll always be here, no matter what you do, no matter how badly you hurt me, how badly I want someone to just treat me right, to not lie to me, I'll still stay with you, cause even if it's a mask, a dishonest person I interact with, I still love you, and I'm so grateful, to be a part of your life in any way, to be so close to you.

So I'll stay, even if it hurts me, even if I don't get what I want, I'll stay, cause I love you so much.

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marwritesgood · 3 years

Text

Only You | S. Basset

Pairing: Simon x WOC!Reader

Timeframe: Season One

Summary: While Y/n prepares to leave London, Simon is confronted by Philippa.

PART ONE

masterlist

A/N: One more part after this :)

Y/n sat with the eldest of her cousins in the drawing-room. Despite the number of workers present and eligible, young Elizabeth begged her older cousin to braid her hair before she left. Y/n could not resist her sweet smile. She also knew she would miss Philippa’s children terribly, just as she would Philippa.

“There you are!”

Y/n and Elizabeth jumped at Philippa’s abrupt call.

“I’ve called for a carriage as you requested, my dear,” Philippa began as she sat with her niece and daughter. She could no longer bring herself to hide her concern and sorrow. “Though I hope you know there is still plenty of time to reconsider your decision.”

Even if it were at the very last moment, if Y/n were to say she wanted to stay, Philippa would be ready to call it off in a moment’s notice.

“My mind is decided, aunt Philippa,” Y/n responded monotonously. She intentionally averted her eyes from her aunt. Philippa knew her niece far too well. Y/n’s best chance at concealing her genuine emotions was to avoid looking her aunt in the eye.

Truthfully, she was terrified. Y/n had become accustomed to floating through seasons with no intention of marrying anytime soon. The prospect of finally accepting a marriage proposal, to a man she had no sincere desire to marry, was frightening. She could not let Philippa know for fear that she would convince her to do otherwise.

“Lizzie,” Philippa whispered to her daughter. “Dear, please join your siblings in the other room.”

Y/n sighed defeatedly. She should have known better than to think she could keep anything from her aunt. Her cousin exited the room in a half-done braid, leaving Y/n to stare at her hands while her aunt studied her intently.

“You must understand the magnitude of what you plan to do,” Philippa said worriedly. That is what she feared most of the situation. She could not bear the thought of Y/n being miserable because of a decision she made in the heat of the moment. “I know you are hurt, dear, but you do not have to leave so soon.”

Y/n sniffled, taking her aunt by surprise. She could no longer hold back her tears. Not after the exhaustingly painful week, she had endured.

“I do, aunt Philippa,” Y/n cried, laughing bitterly. Philippa’s brows knitted together in both confusion and concern. “I cannot bear to stay in London another day... The longer I stay here, the harder it will be to leave.”

Philippa frowned, lifting her hands to wipe Y/n’s tears away. She had not yet found out what happened between her niece and Simon. All she could conclude was that Y/n’s heart was broken finally again.

“He admitted to courting Miss Bridgerton,” Y/n explained. It pained her to recount what Simon said the night before, but she felt it was the only way to put rest to Philippa’s attempts to keep her in London. ��- and he admitted he intends to marry her.”

Philippa inhaled sharply, closing her eyes tightly as she did so. Though she did not have an incredibly close relationship with Simon, she always believed him to be a good man. A man who cared deeply for her niece.

Glancing back to her niece, Philippa pursed her lips and pulled Y/n into her arms, hugging her closely. As she cried softly into her shoulder, anger began to erupt within Philippa. Y/n was the last person she deemed worthy of such heartbreak.

“The carriage will be here before evening,” Philippa informed Y/n, who was grateful that she would no longer keep her from leaving. “I have one matter to attend to, but I will be home before you to leave.”

Y/n nodded before returning to her younger cousins. Once she left, Philippa called for a carriage to take her to the Danbury estate. She had more than a few unkind words to offer the Duke of Hastings.

***

Simon found himself, yet again, standing idle in the maze’s centre outside the Danbury estate. He had barely any rest the night before, so he headed straight to the maze once there was sunlight.

Before he could leave, however, of Daphne being introduced to Prince Friedrich reached him. Thus there ruse was no longer necessary, subsequently leaving Simon in dire need of a moment alone with his frustration.

If he had only told Y/n the truth the night before. If he had only kept her from leaving. If he had not rejected her in the first place. Perhaps he would not be in the situation he was in.

“Your grace.”

Simon’s train of thought was abruptly broken when a worker approached him. He turned to face the man, eyebrows raised. The worker held his hands behind his back.

“You have a visitor waiting for you in the sitting room,” he explained. When Simon remained silent, the worker specified who it was. “... Lady Bennet.”

Simon’s heart began to pound. He nodded and returned inside with haste. Philippa Bennet, though kind and friendly by nature, could scare him half to death. Simon remembered watching how she would fearlessly berate and humiliate any man who so much as treated Y/n less than kindly.

He never imagined he would be one.

Once he was inside, he halted outside the entrance to the sitting room. There was no telling how Philippa would treat him, especially after the way he had treated her niece before. Simon took several deep breaths before he cautiously entered the room.

“Lady Bennet,” he greeted as he walked in, his head bowed partially in shame and partly in fear.

“Your grace,” she responded, her tone sharp and piercing.

She stood from her seat and glared at the duke as he made his way in. She spoke previously to Lady Danbury, who left just moments before Simon entered. It wasn’t until the worker exited the room, closing the door behind him, that she began to raise her voice.

“You can be of no loss to understand why I am here.”

Simon remained silence, which provided Philippa with as much of a response as she needed.

“My niece just informed me today of your revelation to her at the gala,” she stated, referencing to him admitting to courting Daphne with the intention of marrying, which was not the truth. “I assume you have an explanation, your grace... Otherwise, you truly are the deceitful, heartless man I never imagined you would become.”

Simon winced at the description. It resembled too much of his father, which was the last kind of man he ever intended to become. Philippa raised her brow and remained silent, waiting for the explanation she knew would eventually be provided.

“I was dishonest,” he confessed, his expression overcome by the shame and guilt he been burdened by for the past week. Philippa remained puzzled, though relieved that there was more to the story than what her niece was led to believe. “My courtship of Miss Bridgerton was all an act... To help attract more suitors for her, and to improve my image in the public eye.”

Philippa folded her arms. While she was glad to hear that he was not actually courting another woman after Y/n, she was still angered by what he had done. Not to mention the immense pain it inflicted upon her niece.

“I assume you lied to my niece as a means of upholding your ruse?”

He was taken by surprise, having expected her to scold him for his stupidity, just as he believed he deserved. His expectations were not necessarily misguided. Philippa intended to do just that. However, she first sought clarification.

“Yes,” Simon admitted sheepishly.

“I heard from Lady Danbury that Miss Bridgerton will soon be courted by Prince Friedrich... Does this mean your lie will no longer continue?”

Simon nodded, causing Philippa to sigh. Her line of questioning made incredibly clear to him how unnecessarily reckless he had been with Y/n’s heart. She was astonished by his foolishness. He could tell.

“I am deeply sorry, Lady Bennet-”

“I do not care for your apologies,” Philippa hissed, causing Simon to sink back. “You are to explain this to my niece yourself... She must hear the truth from you.”

Though Philippa was desperate to race home and tell Y/n the truth, she knew there would still be heartache on her behalf. Only Simon could indeed amend the issue.

“I cannot,” Simon cried, before inhaling sharply as he went to complete his sentence. “-I cannot bear to face her... I imagine I am the last person she wishes to speak to.”

“You are mistaken, your grace,” Philippa said flatly. He could not have been further from the truth. “I have often, particularly now, struggled to understand why... but she cares for you. Very much so. Even despite all the pain, you seemingly continue to cause her.”

“That, I struggle to believe,” Simon mumbled.

Philippa scoffed. It was a wonder Y/n was in so much pain. He seemed to consistently underestimate just how much she cared for him. She pondered for a moment, thinking of the best way to clarify to Simon the extent to which Y/n loved him.

“This is her second season,” Philippa stated, slowing her speech just to make absolute sure Simon could understand her point. “-and she has yet to be married... why do you think that is?”

He stared blankly at Philippa, which only infuriated her more, though she continued, despite it.

“I was incredibly confused when I received a distraught letter from my sister at the end of last season,” Philippa began. “-She informed that Y/n had received 3 proposals... all from, what she described as, honourable men.”

Philippa studied Simon’s reaction closely, hoping he would catch on soon. He was taken back. During Y/n’s first season, he feared the day she accepted a marriage proposal.

“My confusion was then, of course, put to rest when I remembered Y/n confiding in me about her affections for you.”

Simon furrowed his eyebrows in disbelief. It was not possible, he believed. After he turned Y/n away following her confession, he assumed her feelings would fade.

He deemed his love for Y/n inevitable because loving her was easy to do and difficult to avoid. But he believed loving him was a challenge; a chore. He saw himself as broken. Haunted by the trauma inflicted upon him by his father. His vow to never marry was, truthfully, not the only reason he rejected Y/n.

Simon did not believe Y/n truly loved him. He struggled to imagine anyone could.

“You cannot possibly insinuate that I-”

“You idiotic fool!” Philippa blurted, interrupting Simon from, yet again, downplaying just how much Y/n cared for him. “Forgive me, your grace, but she confessed her feelings to you, did she not? Thus surely you must know how much she cares for you... you must know, Simon.”

He was dumbfounded. Overwhelmed by the prospect that Y/n’s love for him was true, tears stung the corners of his eyes. Philippa could not believe it. She knew of Simon’s past, but she was shocked to see how much of an effect it had on the poor duke. How unwilling he was to accept that he was loved.

Sincerely and unconditionally.

“She intends to leave London this evening,” Philippa sighed sadly. Before she spoke again, she moved closer to Simon, looking him in the eye intently. She felt sympathy having understood why he acted the way he did, but she would not let him continue to do so. “If you truly care for my niece, you will not allow her to leave today without knowing the truth... She deserves as much after all she has done for you.”

Philippa exited the room briefly afterwards, leaving Simon to contemplate how on earth he would earn Y/n’s forgiveness and her trust.

***

Lady Danbury was puzzled as she watched Philippa Bennet rush out of her estate hastily. They had shared a brief conversation before she left, just as Simon arrived in from outside. Philippa had informed Danbury of Y/n’s plans to leave London and accept Mr Graham’s marriage proposal.

While she knew the situation was tense, Lady Danbury sat with ease, on the outside seating area towards the left side. Of the many roles she played in her life and society, the matchmaker was one she most enjoyed.

She hummed to herself as she took a sip of her earl grey tea, amused by the thrill of the current situation. Once Philippa’s carriage was out of sight, Lady Danbury began to count backwards from twenty. As she reached one, the sound of Simon’s quick-paced footsteps became increasingly loud.

“What seems to be troubling you, your grace.”

Most would have been startled by how Lady Danbury spoke with her back to Simon, but he had grown used to her being a step ahead of him. In fact, that was the very reason he found himself turning to her.

“I presume you already know,” he answered as he sat in the chair beside her.

Danbury chuckled, placing her cup back on the table before turning to her pseudo-nephew. He loved him as her own son, but she was far from oblivious to his flaws.

“I expected you to be eager to follow Lady Bennet.”

“Quite the opposite, my lady,” he frowned, glancing down at his hands that could not seem to stop trembling. For most of his life, he carefully considered every decision he made to ensure perfection. This was unchartered territory.

Simon half-expected Lady Danbury to laugh, or to smile warmly at him before offering her advice. She had done just that for as long as he knew her.

However, Lady Danbury did not respond in such a manner. She scoffed loudly before gripping her cane and turning to Simon with a disappointed glare.

“Well then you are a fool,” she spoke harshly.

Simon’s eyes widened. If he were not already sitting, he likely would have stumbled back. Despite his apparent shock, Lady Danbury was not fazed. Instead, her glare grew more intense.

Similar to Philippa, Danbury was subject to Simon’s countless confidences regarding his feelings for Y/n. She was past waiting excitedly in anticipation for the two to finally be united. Now, she was irritated at how long it was taking Simon to act on his affections. Mostly after Y/n had already made clear hers.

“You care for her, do you not?”

“I do,” Simon answered, not a moment after Lady Danbury spoke.

Silence fell amongst them. Danbury’s eyes narrowed in both confusion and frustration. Was it not clear to Simon what he needed to do? She held her cane with both hands. Simon sighed.

“That is precisely why I cannot go to her,” he explained. Lady Danbury groaned audibly, prompting Simon to further clarify his defence. “After all the pain I have put her through, do I not owe it to her to give her peace?”

“She will not have true peace until she knows.”

Simon averted his head slightly, his posture slumping down significantly. Lady Danbury began to realise that there was more to it than he was admitting to.

Simon looked out towards the maze’s direction, and all he could think of was her, and the night before. All he could see was her expression when he lied about the nature of his relationship with Daphne. Not to mention how she walked away from him crying, and the way he let her go.

“I... am terrified,” Simon whispered, his voice shaky. Danbury inhaled sharply, before looking at him intently, remaining silent all the while so that he could continue.

After a moment, Simon turned to face her. His eyes were glassy, and the wrinkle on his temple deepened as he furrowed his brows. He was no longer trying to defend himself. No longer trying to uphold a ruse or a confident demeanour.

He was exhausted from doing so. All he wanted was to fix what he had broken.

“Every attempt I have made at explaining myself only seems to hurt her more,” he frowned. “She is leaving today because she seeks to be away from me... and I will honour her wishes, so as to not subject her to any more pain than I already have.”

It made sense to him. He had no luck when it came to making amends with Y/n. He felt incapable of fixing anything. It was clear that, as well as happiness, he was also incapable of giving her peace. And she deserved that, at the very least.

“And then what will you do?” Lady Danbury questioned, curious to know the extent to which he believed what he was doing would fix anything.

“I... will wait,” he replied, confident in his response, leading Danbury to worry. He did not have the luxury of time, and it seemed she was the only one out of the two of them who knew this. “When she is ready to speak to me, I will explain the truth to her... and hopefully by then I will be able to do so in a way that does not hurt her.”

“Simon,” Lady Danbury said gently. She knew she was right to have called him foolish. However, Danbury realised that he was foolish out of his love for Y/n and lack of trust that he could love her. “She is not leaving London because she seeks to be away from you... She is leaving to accept a marriage proposal.”

Simon’s blood ran cold. He felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him. Before, he sat content in the comfort of knowing he had time to wait. Now all he could sit with was the terror of uncertainty.

“Your life decisions have been largely based on fear and on vengeance, but you do not have to continue to live this way,” Lady Danbury said, reaching out for his hand and taking hold of it firmly. “However, you cannot do so if you continue to deprive yourself of what brings you joy.”

She had held onto these words for a very long time after Simon announced he would not marry or have children. Danbury had always hoped that Simon would have a heart change eventually, but it was clear that they were running very short on time.

“You deserve an abundance of happiness and of love, just as anyone else in this world does, your grace,” Lady Danbury said with conviction. She was ashamed; it took her so long to realise how badly Simon needed to know this. “But you will only receive as much as you pursue. So allow me to ask again; what will you do?”

Simon lifted Lady Danbury’s hand and kissed it affectionately- his way of thanking her for, yet again, talking sense into him. Without waiting another moment, he raced towards the stables in search of his horse.

***

Philippa stood sadly as she watched Y/n say goodbye to her cousins. Significant time had passed since she arrived home and Simon still had not arrived. However, despite the dire circumstances, she refused to give up hope.

As Y/n pulled away from her cousin, Elizabeth, she turned to Philippa, who stood between her and the carriage. Her bags had already been taken into the carriage. Everything was in line for her departure. All she had to do was say goodbye to her aunt, yet somehow that seemed to be the most challenging step.

“Aunt Philippa,” Y/n said cautiously, after noticing her sorrowful expression.

“You do not have to go,” Philippa cried, reaching her arms out and placing her hands gently on her niece’s shoulders. She did not care if she sounded like a broken record. “Please, my dear, if you possess even an ounce of doubt, you mustn’t go.”

“I have already made my decision,” Y/n replied, trying to comfort her aunt, who she knew was only concerned for her well-being. She wanted desperately to put Philippa’s mind at ease. “He is a good man... I will have a good future with him.”

“But you do not love him,” Philippa argued. Y/n quickly realised just how much her aunt had rubbed off on her. She could not yet figure out whether that was a good or bad thing.

“I cannot be so naïve as to base my choosing on love,” Y/n criticised.

“Yes you can,” Philippa insisted.

“How can you be so certain?” Y/n inquired, trying her best to refrain from scoffing at the irony in her aunt’s argument. “You are married to a Lord. You will never need to worry about bearing financial burdens, and it is because you accepted the proposal of a man mama matched you with.”

Y/n expected this would end her aunt’s argument against her marrying Mr Graham.

“Your mama did not match me with Lord Bennet,” Philippa confessed, taking Y/n by great surprise. “Your mother asked me not to tell you at the time, but... Lord Bennet and I met during one of our visits to London. We remained in contact for the better half of my first season, and we eventually married because I fell pregnant... with Elizabeth.”

Y/n’s internal conflict increased significantly in intensity. She always admired the love shared between her aunt and her husband. She always admired the life they had together. However, she also accredited this to her mother’s strong-willed matchmaking and stubbornness.

Her aunt noticed her reaction and sighed. She reached out and took hold of her niece’s hands, gripping firmly. Philippa had been saving that revelation for when her niece was grown enough. It frightened her how quickly that moment arrived.

“I know that the odds have always been stacked against women like us... but that does not mean we settle for men who do not care for us,” Philippa posited, challenging what Y/n previously believed to be true when it came to love and marriage. “You are allowed to prioritise what you want in a husband as well as what you need.”

Y/n’s heart began to pound. She had craved to hear those exact words ever since she prepared for her first season. If only she had heard them before she found herself in the situation she was in.

“You deserve to be with a man who you love and who makes you happy,” Philippa added, causing Y/n to flinch. She knew where her argument was headed. “A man like-”

“-Like Simon?” Y/n questioned in annoyance.

Philippa sighed, answering her niece’s question.

“I know that you hoped it would be his proposal I would be accepting... I hoped for the same,” Y/n sighed. Having her aunt as her confidante meant their hopes for her future coincided—all except this time. “But I have waited for too long. I cannot keep putting my life on hold out of hope that he will have a change of heart... and that he will show up at the last minute on a white horse. I cannot do it.”

“Then disregard Simon for a moment,” Philippa said. “- and answer me this, will Mr Graham make you happy?”

Y/n scoffed. She could not keep relaying the same message to her aunt.

“I have told you, marrying him will guarantee me a good life-”

“I have no doubt that he will provide you financial stability,” Philippa interrupted.

Y/n was startled. Until then, all she was focused on was securing a promising future for herself. Until then, all she equated that it was a future free of any financial burden.

“But will he make you happy?” Philippa asked, narrowing her eyes. “When you are forced to endure his arrogance, his ignorance and his temper daily. When you are inevitably made to bear his children, thereafter reduced exclusively to their mother and his wife, and are no longer your own individual person. When it dawns on you that you will be stuck in this position for the rest of your life... Do you truly believe you will be happy?”

Y/n could not answer her aunt. Philippa knew her answer. They stared at one another, each with an expression far different from the other. While Y/n was started and frightened, Philippa remained concerned yet hopeful that her niece would finally change her mind.

Before either of them could speak, a worker approached Philippa and beat them both to it.

“My lady, the carriage is ready for Miss Y/L/n’s departure.”

Y/n was quick to turn away from her aunt. She glanced at the other worker who stood by the carriage, holding the door open for Y/n to enter. She turned back to her aunt, who visibly feared what she was about to do next.

“Goodbye, aunt Philippa,”

Y/n pulled Philippa into her arms and hugged her tightly. She knew her aunt was still very much worried and concerned for her. However, she hoped that Philippa would cast them aside for just a moment, and let her see this through.

When Philippa hugged her back and smiled wearily at her as she walked away, Y/n knew she was doing just that. And for that, she was extremely grateful.

As the doors to Y/n’s carriage closed, she closed her eyes and braced herself for the future she was going to commit to the day after. In an attempt to forget what her aunt had said to her, Y/n waved goodbye once before looking away.

She glued her sight to the road ahead, refusing to look back to the street behind her, or the gates to her aunt’s home.

The very gates Simon would ride through moments after, only to realise that Y/n had already left. That he had spent so much time hesitating and waiting for the right moment, he missed his opportunity to see her before she left.

That he was too late.

NEXT PART

@deakesthegreatest @smol-grandpa

#simon basset x reader #simon basset imagine #duke hastings x reader #bridgerton imagine #bridgerton x reader #simon basset #duke hastings #bridgerton

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seriously-really-soft · 3 years

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“When your dad makes you cry because he’s a dishonest, two faced piece of poop you would forgive so easily if only he cared enough to see how deeply he has been hurting you but he’s not going to and he’ll probably never change and will continue to put you through increasingly emotionally/physically devastating and insecure situations”

Warnings: abuse, abusive family situation, trauma tw, emotional and physical abuse mention, mentions of sorrow and grief

Nanami and Choso

Sukuna

It’s not the first time he’s caught you crying over this, and it never hurts any less each time he gets to witness how the grief and sorrow wash over your being. Sometimes it’s in the shower, when you’ve been sad and strong for far too long and can’t hold yourself up anymore, when you’ve been alone for so long you don’t realize your sobs and choked breath can be heard from outside, and maybe sometimes in the back of your head you do know but trying to quieten yourself only leads you curling more towards yourself on the floor. He does hear it, and it pierces into his very being - the deep misery and hurt, the resentment and love you don’t quite know where to place anymore - he can feel it. He hates it when anyone so much as speaks to you meanly, and he hates it even more that somebody who was supposed to love you and keep you safe, somebody you still try so hard to see the good in and for whom you still hold such softness, hurt you so bad.

He’s unbelievably gentle with you, holds you with such tenderness and takes the time to show your person so much love. He’ll detangle your hair for you and leave kisses all over your hands, back, face, and forehead. When he holds you he makes sure you’re warm and cozy wrapped in a soft, freshly washed blanket, tucked into his four arms. Sukuna makes it a point to show you that he loves you unconditionally, that someone that loves you will touch you and show you affection without ever bringing pain to you.

If you still live with your sperm donor, he will find a way to get you out of that situation. It pisses him off to no end that you, who deserves so much and who he loves with his whole being, are subjected to such fear and anguish on a daily basis.

If you don’t live with the sperm donor anymore, he understands that you’re grieving (plus he still hates your dad and knows how validating that can be to hear so he’s got no qualms about letting you know that). He will be there every step of the way to help you heal, even if he doesn’t understand certain things about being human like how you can spend years grieving and crying your heart out over someone that hurt you so severely and still miss them and even cherish what good memories you do have with them.

Toji

This man loves you so much, no matter how much I try to really capture it and put it into words, it would never be enough to encompass the true extent of his love for you. He sees you breaking down and crying over and over because of that piece of shit and there’s just so much he wishes he could do in that instant. He wishes he could somehow go back in time and protect you from all that emotional and/or physical violence, all that grief. He wishes you weren’t left to bear all of this hurting on your own, especially when you were the most vulnerable - as a child. He’ll hold you and kiss you and reassure you that you aren't alone anymore, that you’re so warm and deserving of love, that you deserved protection as a child.

And if you say sorry for not being able to be happy? For not being able to stay so positive or “strong” all the time? Somewhere in his chest he can feel his heart break at the thought of just how long you've been running on survival mode, that even now you're thinking about looking after his emotional needs even though you're the one that’s hurting because the support and adults in your life were just that shitty. You’re the strongest, most wonderful person he knows and to even think that someone put you through so much/is putting you through so much is devastating to him. He knows you get angry and hurt, that there’s so much resentment piling up as you realize more and more things that were done to you out of abuse. He knows that you’ve had to learn to cry silently, like an animal left to bleed and die on the forest floor, just so the abuse wouldn’t escalate. Toji knows there’s so much you blame yourself for even though you're not the problem. He knows and he loves you for all that you are, not despite it.

Comforts you like a king, if he hears even a peep of you blaming yourself or doubting yourself, he’s there to remind you again and again that you never deserved to be treated that way, that you wouldn’t be hurting this way if it was all nothing. He does a fantastic job validating you and part of it is because he can see you hurting over this, he sees how it affects you and at no point does it overshadow your warmth and kindness, all the good that you are. He sees you in all of your glory and he falls even more in love with you everyday for exactly who you are.

a/n: writing this gave me incredible comfort and i hope to look back at this when i am going through this again. I know it’s a tough topic, but im wishing you all the best and i hope we can all heal from these kinds of things. I’m thinking of creating more posts like this, ones that are strangely so specific. I haven’t been able to write for a while, and part of it was because this has been such a big part of my life right now and it’s made me feel conflicted about a lot of things. But this, finally accepting that this is where my mind is at the moment, has really let me write again and it feels good to be true to myself.

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sidespromptblog · 3 years

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The Goodbye Letter

Warnings: Crying (Logan), Hurt/Comfort, goodbye letter, talk of fading (past tense- Logan), and general angst.

Summary: After months of planning and thinking, Logan decides to finally leave the light sides for good. Through a letter.

AO3 LINK

Word Count: 2188

The desk lamp next to Logan clicked on, illuminating a corner of the logical side’s room on pale yellow light as the figure of the logical side sat hunched over his desk a pen clasped tight between cramping fingers.

It was late, so late that even Virgil would have been asleep by now.

Which meant that it was the perfect time to do this.

“I can do it...” Logan softly chanted to himself, as he rubbed his temples only giving the clock on his desk a wayward glance. It was late, way too late for the emotions he was trying to wrangle right now. But it had to be done now, or else he wasn’t going to get it done at all. “We talked about this ahead of time, and we know that I can do this…”

All things considered, Logan started his letter off pretty eloquently given the state of his emotions.

“I hope, that when you finally notice that I am no longer around. That the silence where I once stood is deafening.” He began, finding that once he started it was almost impossible to stop. “I hope that you try to fill it in whatever ways you can possibly think of, be it your singing, dancing, or probably more accurately… the arguing that never seems to go away whether I’m there or not. Whatever way you try, I hope that they all fail and I hope that you remember the time where the silence wasn’t there. I hope that you remember that it was once me, and I hope that you remember how I once was.”

Logan didn’t feel at all angry, despite how his letter may make him seem towards those it was directed towards… he wasn’t angry about any of it. He hadn’t been angry about it in such a long time, he was more…

Comfortably numb at this point, despite what the words scrawled on the page spelled out. It was easy to default to this past anger he’d felt, rather than attempted to write out how they’d made him this way and how’d they’d made him so empty, to begin with.

He’d need longer than a few hours to explain that, it would take days… days that he didn’t have right now.

He had long since passed the stage of being angry or even being sad, he’d shed so many tears that it had hurt to cry and it had hurt even more to just be sad without being able to cry. He had tried trashing things, burning all of his notecards, and just ripping everything that he had once worked on to shreds. Now there was just… nothing. He was just tired at this point, and that was left was that tiredness that made him feel as if that was all that there was at this point. He couldn’t recall a single morning where he woke up not feeling this constant tiredness. And not feeling like it would be better off to not leave his bed, let alone his bedroom.

It was just easier to write this letter, rather than having to go through the struggle of having to explain himself without being interrupted or argued with.

“I hope it hurts,” He added without much malice left inside of him. “I hope it hurts to realize how far you’ve pushed me. I could have gone an eternity existing beside all of you, had it not been for the belittling. I’m sad to say that I probably would have stayed a little longer even if that was the case, I loved all of you so much. But after recent events… something inside of me is broken now, and I don’t think that it will ever be fixed properly.”

Much to Logan’s surprise, he felt a stripe of wetness streak down his face at his next words dotting the page that he was writing on.

At the admission of weakness that he now felt.

But even so, that didn’t stop him.

If anything it only spurred him on now, even as it became hard to see throughout all of the tears.

“I am far too damaged now to come back to you all. I don’t remember when I wasn’t.”

Taking in a shaky breath, a whimper crawled up the logical side’s throat at the finalization that settled in his chest. He loved them… truly he did. He loved Roman’s energy, and how he put everything he had into every project he took. He had always given his whole heart to them regardless of how he felt. He loved Virgil’s mellowness and the way that he thought about things as realistically as he could despite how the world scared him. He loved Patton and his cheeriness, and his drive to keep going and to see the best in things… even if it wasn’t for the best in himself.

“When did you first break me? And when could I no longer put myself back together?”

But right now… it was so hard to love them. So hard that it felt almost impossible at this point. It was possible he knew… but not necessarily healthy.

It was so hard to love them when they saw him as something optional, as something that was so boring that they couldn’t be bothered to even try to listen to him. Every single time they made a comment, every time they rolled their eyes, and every time attempted to ignore him once again…

It hurt.

Every time it hurt more and more.

“Logan?”

The said logical side felt his shoulders stiffen at the hand that rested on his shoulder, gently cradling him as he went through wave after wave of tears that threatened to choke him if he didn’t let them out all at once.

It most certainly didn’t stop the shaking of his shoulders as he felt the tears that he had thought were once gone and dried up, rise up again with a vengeance. They ran down like a rainstorm, dripping onto the page and smudging the ink that hadn’t even begun to dry yet. Not that it mattered to him much anyways, it wasn’t the neatness he cared about now, but rather what the words had meant to him. What the emotions that had been locked away inside of him had tried to say after all of these years, and… what he had convinced himself that he had been alright with for years upon years.

He wasn’t okay.

Burying his face in his hands Logan tried to choke out an apology. “S..Sorry.. Sorry.” He mumbled out behind his mess of tears, “I thought that I was okay enough to write this. I thought.. I thought that it wouldn’t hurt as much… I’m sorry.” The apology was constant, despite the hand that released his shoulder instead curled around him, pulling him into a warm hug.

A part of him wanted to pull against it, to finish his letter and everything that it entailed. Part of him wanted to rebel against the warmth from the other side, and from the hand gingerly petting his hair as his breathing hitched and a near-silent sob bubbled out of him. But…

He didn’t, as much as that part of him wanted to… he sank back into the comfort that was so freely given to him.

Why did kindness hurt just as much as cruelness?

“It’s okay,” That gentle voice murmured again, “We both knew that this wouldn’t be easy, writing a goodbye letter is… very hard to do. It involves a lot of digging up old emotions and putting them on display for others to see, and that’s scary and hurtful for you. You’ve been hurt, and you have a lot to say.” A soft kiss pressed against the top of his head. “It’s okay Logan, you’re doing good.”

Taking in a deep breath he nodded before leaning his head back enough to look back at the side that had come at the sign of his smallest discomfort. Janus’ mismatched eyes stared down at him with a sad kind of understanding, it was the kind of look that anytime before he understood would have made Logan very confused. But now… now he reached up, gingerly taking the hand that had resumed the petting of his hair and placed a tiny kiss on the palm. The tears on his cheeks hadn’t even dried as Janus swiped them away, the softness was unbelievably evident in just about everything that he did for Logan.

“Thank you,” Logan whispered, his voice cracking with each word. “I’m okay, it’ll be tough to finally finish this… but I’ll be okay.”

Janus’ eyes searched his for a long terse moment, before finally nodding.

Leaning down the dishonest side placed a simple kiss on the logical side’s forehead, the smell of his cologne lingering. “Okay,” He slowly began. “Be sure to take a break if you need to. Call me or Remus if necessary. He’s almost done completing your space in the imagination, just a few more hours and it’ll be fully complete.” A tiny smile lit up the serpentine side’s face, “He’s very excited to show it to you…”

Oh, Logan was sure about that. Remus had spent the past few months creating blueprints for Logan’s new home ever since the logical side had brought up his idea of just leaving. At first… Logan had brought up the idea of leaving as a last resort, as in leaving the other sides as well as Thomas. Of just leaving the mindspace and never looking back, of finding his place in the real world even if he technically wouldn’t be able to survive as anything more than a phantom of a man. He had been prepared to make that sacrifice, even if it had meant that he could begin to feel better about where he was.

It had really scared Remus and Janus when he had talked about it…

Apparently, he had been almost manic about the idea of it.

He wasn’t exactly in the best place back then, so their fear wasn’t exactly unwarranted.

He’d even contemplated fading into the subconscious, and just becoming one of Thomas’ baser instincts. Still acting as logic, without being present and visible for him to be summoned at will. It had been a very tempting idea back then, but now… he had better plans, with a future that wouldn’t be nearly so painful as the past.

“Yeah,” Logan smiled, his hand reaching up to card through Janus’ loose hair. “I can’t wait.”

“This is goodbye, I am certain that I will miss all of you. It would be impossible for me not to miss any of you, I’ve grown up with you all and seen how you’ve all changed throughout the years. I will always hold a bit of fondness for you all. Patton, Virgil, and Roman. I love you all dearly so, but… I cannot continue. I cannot last how I have been, so this will likely be the last you ever hear of me. I will not show myself to Thomas, in fact, I will not be capable of being summoned. So for all intents and purposes… this is a final goodbye. So finally… Goodbye. Sincerely and with love, Logan ‘Logic’ Sanders. For the last time.”

With a sigh of relief, Logan neatly folded the letter that he had spent the better part of the week writing. Sealing it with a glob of hot wax, that Roman would most certainly find ironic, Logan sealed the letter before finally rising to take it to its final resting place where it would be found by the others in the morning. Rising up in the living room, he moved silently and quickly, he placed it on the kitchen counter that connected to the dining room.

Most certain Patton would come in the morning and find it, he’d be the first to read it and thus the information would spread to the others as well. They would all know well before the morning had even begun.

“Janus?” Logan softly called out as he rose back up into his bedroom, “Do you think it’s ready yet?”

The excitement on the other side’s face told him everything that he needed to know as he extended his hand to the logical side. “Yeah,” Janus murmured softly, the warm smile on his face growing. “Are you ready to see your new home?”

With a nod, Logan sank down with Janus.

Just to rise up to feel the warm sunshine on his face, and the sight of a homely cottage that had been made just for him well within in his sight. Remus had really outdone himself this time. The long grass tickled his feet, and the smell of wildflowers graced his nose, letting him know right away that place was safe for him and not a single thing would hurt him here. The babbling of the stream in the distance, and the swaying of the windchimes in the distance almost made Logan want to weep from the pure joy of it all.

He was home.

He was safe.

#logan sanders #ts logan #ts logan sanders #logan angst #janus sanders #ts janus #ts janus sanders #intruloceit #remus mention #ts sides #ts sanders sides #ts sanders sides fanfic #ts sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fanfic

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tyongxnct · 3 years

Text

𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇 𝐈𝐒 - 𝐖𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐋𝐮𝐜𝐚𝐬

pairing: Lucas x reader

summary: You tried to lie to yourself. You told yourself that you didn’t need Lucas, that you didn’t miss him. But you actually missed him so much, you were still in love with Lucas. Your heart longed for him and you just wanted him back.

song: truth is - Sabrina Claudio

genre: exfwb-to-lovers!au, angst, fluff

warnings: mention of sex, mention of female masturbation, this is a SEQUEL to my story 𝑠𝑜𝑏𝑒𝑟 - 𝑊𝑜𝑛𝑔 𝐿𝑢𝑐𝑎𝑠

word count: 1.6k

A/N: this one’s a little short but I hope you still enjoy it💓💓💓

taglist: @aesthetichrj @bvbyxuxi @bitchenderyy @chitaphrrrr

this is fiction!

I don't feel you, I ripped the last page out I don't even get jealous when you mention other women I don't, I don't And I don't miss you, I'm doing better now I don't even think of calling 'cause I never feel like talking I don't, I don't

Need you But I need you

Another night another drink in your hand. Alcohol helped you forget about him, about your last night with him and about the fact that he choose her over you. You don’t care about that anymore. You don’t care that he talked about Yuqi, that he preferred Yuqi.

Or did you?

Did you still care about that?

It doesn’t matter. You’re doing better now, you only think about him when you were sober, which was rare, just like he loved you when he was sober. You don’t even miss him, how could you miss someone who was never yours? Lucas was never yours and you were never his, no matter how much you wanted to be with him. No matter how much you loved him.

You checked your phone, no texts, and no calls.

How could he even text or call you? You blocked him after all and you never thought of unblocking him and calling him. What would you tell him? Hi I miss you? I need you back, I don’t care if you don’t love me?

You couldn’t say anything and you didn’t feel like talking to him after months. You got used to being alone and not being loved.

Truth is I'm dishonest 'Cause I'm always scared to get too deep Truth is that I want this 'Cause I always see you in my sleep Truth is that I love you, mmm Even when I'm trying not to

But when you were sober, you wanted to call him, you wanted to go to him.

You were lying to yourself and everyone around you. You still loved him and you would take him back If he asked you for a second chance.

You were scared though. Scared to get hurt again, to be his second choice again and being used for sex and only sex, again.

It wasn’t easy being in love with someone who was in love with someone else. We all went through something like that, it tore you apart but your heart still longed for Lucas.

When I touch me, I'm wanting someone else I don't even think about you Reminisce it, wish I had it 'Cause it wasn't even that good Wasn't even that good

Forget you I can't forget you

You’re lying alone in your bed.

The last time you had sex was with Lucas, it felt wrong to sleep with other men. You weren’t ready for that.

But you were horny, you touched yourself under the thick white sheets. You closed your eyes and tried to think about anyone but him. You told yourself that the sex with Lucas wasn’t even good, that there better men and that you didn’t need his dick inside of you. But that was another lie you told yourself. After all you felt loved when you had sex with him, sex connected you and him, sex was the only way to be close to him.

Your imagined Lucas’ fingers inside you and your orgasm hit you.

You cursed yourself.

Truth is I'm dishonest 'Cause I'm always scared to get too deep Truth is that I want this 'Cause I always see you in my sleep Truth is that I love you, mmm (Truth is that I love you) Even when I'm trying not to

Need you But I need you Forget you I can't forget you

You woke up crying. That was something new. Yes, you fell asleep crying and you cried after you woke up but crying while sleeping was new.

You saw him in your dreams.

It wasn’t a nightmare, no.

You were having the time of your life in his arms. He kissed your face and told you he loved you. He looked you in the eyes and promised you that he he’d love you forever, that he only loves you.

“I love you Y/n. You’re the only one for me. Come back to me.” He whispered.

It felt so real, but it wasn’t.

And once again, you felt your heart beating faster and faster, you fell deeper in love with a version of Lucas created in your head.

The Lucas in your dream wasn’t the same Lucas.

The real Lucas would never love you, he would never choose you.

But you still love him, even though you’re trying not to. You need him, you always needed him. You want to forget everything that happened, you want to erase every memory in your head, every touch on your skin.

But you can’t forget him.

Truth is I'm dishonest 'Cause I'm always scared to get too deep Truth is that I want this 'Cause I always see you in my sleep Truth is that I love you, mmm Even when I'm trying not to

Need you But I need you Forget you I can't forget you

“Hey.”

You turned around and met his eyes. Your grip around the bottle in your hand tightened and you stopped breathing.

“H-How have you been?”

You were trying to find the right words. You slightly opened your mouth to talk but no words were coming out.

“I’m s-sorry, uhm, I- uh, I shouldn’t have- I’ll leave you alone, sorry.”

Before he could walk away you called out his name.

“Lucas!”

You hoped he heard you, the music playing in the background was pretty loud.

He looked back at you, his eyes were shimmering and he looked at you with so much hope.

“Do you- uhm, want to talk? Outside maybe?”

You should’ve known that Lucas would attend Ten’s party. He was one of his best friends after all. Maybe you should’ve told Ten that you were sick, or that you had stuff to do, but maybe, coming was the best decision you had ever made.

Lucas nodded happily and led you outside.

You didn’t say anything as you watched the cars drive past you.

“I-I’ve been good, I guess.” You said to break the silence.

“Huh?” Lucas looked at you questioningly.

“You asked me how I’ve been earlier.”

“Oh yeah right. That’s good… yeah I’m glad you’ve been good.” Lucas whispered the last part.

“The truth is, I was anything but good,” you chuckled, “I was… I am still hurt.” You admitted truthfully.

Lucas felt the tears in his eyes slowly building. “I-I’m sorry. I think, I should leave you alone. I don’t want to h-hurt you anymore.”

“No! I mean, I want this. I want to talk to you.” You held him by his wrist.

Lucas closed his eyes and let the tears fall. “I am so sorry, so fucking sorry for everything. I-I shouldn’t have used you like that. I am so dumb, so stupid and blind. You are the best thing that happened to me a-and I just,” he took a deep breath, “I hurt you over and over again. I used your feelings for me and I regret not choosing you in the first place. I was hurt after you left me that one night but I know I deserve even more than that. I don’t deserve you.”

He looked at you and he saw the tears in your eyes and he wanted to punch himself for making you cry again.

“I never deserved someone as beautiful and kind as you. Someone so perfect. I know that you hate me, that you won’t forgive me but-“

Lucas softly cupped your cheeks so you could look him in the eyes.

“But I need you to know how much I actually love you. Y/n, I love you so much, more than I thought it was possible. I love you.”

You looked him deep in the eyes and all the pain you felt in the past months suddenly vanished. All you saw in his eyes was the love about which he was talking. The longing and regret in his eyes told you how genuine he was.

“I love you.”

Lucas couldn’t believe his ears.

“I tried not to- I really tried to stop loving you. But I can’t. I love you too much to stop. I can’t get you out of my head and of my heart. I need you. Even after all, I need you.”

You smiled softly, “I love you Lucas.”

Lucas cried even harder as he wrapped his arms around you and hugged you tightly. He would never let go again, he would never hurt you again and he would never love anyone more than he loved you.

He pulled back, his arms still around you and looked at you. It felt so unreal to have you in his arms again, to hear you say that you loved him.

“What?” you asked him after he kept looking at you.

“Just making sure you’re real and this isn’t a dream.”

There was only one way to show him that this was real.

This time, you cupped his cheeks and pulled him closer. Lucas didn’t know what you were doing, but when he felt your lips against his, he melted in and kissed you back.

Oh, how much he had missed your lips.

You softly pulled back, even though he wanted to keep kissing you. “Feels real right?”

“I’m not sure. I think we need to try again.” He smirked and you smiled.

Once again, you pulled him closer and kissed him.

#wayv #wayv angst #wayv lucas #wayv scenarios #nct angst #lucas #wong yukhei #yukhei x you #yukhei x reader #yukhei angst #lucas x y/n #lucas x reader #lucas scenarios #yukhei scenarios #nct scenarios #nct songfic #elida's sequels

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alaskasmonsters · 3 years

Text

(Un)deserving | Nishinoya Yuu

requested by @kyonsh: Hii! I was wondering if you could write a Nishinoya angst with a fluff ending, in which they are childhood friends but Nishinoya feels he isnt enough for her. The plot can change if you feel like it! Thank u so much just for paying attention to my request!

pairing: nishinoya yuu x fem!reader

w.c: 3.343

warnings: angst (with happy ending), noya being hella insecure

a.n: i wonder if i’ll ever manage to finish requests quickly...thank you for being so patient with me <3 i’m finally finished and i really hope it’s what you imagined and i hope you like it! :3 (it’s like 2 am lol (what is sleep).)

If Nishinoya Yuu had to describe you in 10 words or less he’d say: “The most important person in my life.” And he’d say it with his whole chest.

Since early childhood you’ve been by Nishinoya’s side, as his best friend, and he couldn’t imagine you anywhere else other than beside him. You were his partner in crime, his ride and die, his...too precious to lose.

The two of you had met in kindergarten, at the playground. Little Nishinoya had made it his mission to become your best friend after he saw you punch another kid in the face for making fun of a girl who kept bringing her pacifier, seated in between her lips. The kid had called the girl a baby and mocked her making fake crying noises, fists wiping at his eyes as he pouted and frowned. He hadn’t stopped, not even after the girl had started sobbing, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. Nishinoya had gotten ready to be her knight in shining armor, standing to his feet tall with his chest puffed out, when you had already swept in. You hadn’t wasted any time and lunged at the boy, sucker punching him in the face.

Little Nishinoya had watched with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, the sight of a petite girl knocking down a boy older and taller than her had been absolutely world changing to him. In the matter of seconds, you had gone from “girl he goes to kindergarten with” to “most amazing person in the whole town” in his eyes.

You were cool! Not taking any shit from other kids, but you were kind and protective over your friends.

Ensuring your alliance had been of utmost importance to him, the top priority on his list of priorities. He hadn’t realized it back then, still too young and green behind his ears to understand the feelings already blooming in his chest, but he’d been smitten with you since then.

And when you’d agreed to be friends with him, because he was fun and you wanted to play pirates with him, little Nishinoya had lit up like a christmas tree. Since that day he’d stood a little bit taller than before.

That was the first of many times he’s received some kind of approval from you. You liked to give compliments, especially to him (and that wasn’t making him feel all warm and fuzzy inside! No!) But the feeling he’d get when you did, the warmth he’d feel enveloping his whole body and the feeling of growing a little taller with every nice word you fed him, nourishing to him like water to a plant, never dulled.

With you next to him he had felt like the tallest boy on the playground.

You’d been best friends ever since and still Nishinoya couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d won the lottery of life, whenever you’d show up to one of his volleyball games wearing his, his, sweater or every time you’d laugh at one of his joke and you’d laugh at all of them! Even the bad ones.

He felt so lucky that you’d chosen him back then and never gone back on it. Why you’d chosen him he had no idea, but he wouldn’t dare to question it...

If Nishinoya Yuu had to choose one reason why he’d fallen in love with you, he’d remain quiet.

It would have been a betrayal to his feelings for you if he’d spoken up since everything you did and everything you were, all your little tics and habits and quirks, everything that made you so blatantly you, was why he’d fallen so deeply he’d never be able to recover from it. There wasn’t a singular reason, it was all of them.

He’d fallen in love with your different smiles. The way your lips quirked up when you were watching their team train, the soft curve of your lips when the two of you were being silly with each other, the wide stretch of your mouth when you were so happy you could run and dance and scream. He knew what all of them meant and he thought of every single one of them as beautiful.

He loved your silliness. He loved your excitement. He loved your annoyance. He loved your frustration.

The face you made when Nishinoya let his indifference towards his grades show, all scrunched up and displeased, he loved that one, too. And then you’d scold him because if he was performing badly in school he wouldn’t get to participate in the training camps!

He loved that a single nudge to your side could turn you into a giggling mess.

He just loved you...

If Nishinoya Yuu had to name his biggest fear, something he was feared more than anything else, he’d say: “Losing Y/n.”

It was the same answer as to the question of why he hadn’t confessed his feelings to you, yet, told you how he felt, asked you to be his girlfriend.

Because he hadn’t.

What was he so afraid of? Nishinoya, the boy who’d chosen not to be afraid of anything because fear was a waste. Fear stopped people from learning and growing, gathering new experiences and gaining more knowledge. It’s a lesson his gramps had taught him.

So why did he let fear stop him this time?

Well, it was pretty simple.

You were you and Nishinoya was...Nishinoya.

You were well liked by everyone, since you were smart and pretty and honest and kind. You could probably get every boy you wanted in Karasuno High, there was no reason for you to choose him

He was too loud and too passionate, he knew that, and not exactly popular with girls either, partly because of that. Girls didn’t like him because of his height, being 5’3” wasn’t exactly what most girls imagined the ideal height for their boyfriend. They’d rather go for someone like Tsukkishima or Asahi, although those two were awfully awkward with receiving the affections.

You didn’t seem to mind his loud personality or his small built. After all, you were his best friend. Though, Nishinoya couldn't possibly imagine you found it endearing (in a romantic way) or dare he think even attractive.

You were cute, adorable actually, and he wasn’t on your level.

You were pretty, so beautiful and he wasn’t on your level.

You were the most amazing girl he’d ever had the honor to meet….and he wasn’t on your level.

He didn’t deserve you. Not in the way he wanted to deserve you.

He wanted to be good enough to be by your side, not just as your best friend but as something more. He wanted to hold your hand while walking home, kiss your cheek, call you his girlfriend.

He knew he stood no chance, Nishinoya was fairly optimistic and too ambitious for his own good, but he knew when it was time to back down. You would never see him as more than just your best friend and even if you did, you deserved better than him.

Realizing this hurt, a lot, the thought to never be with you...it ripped him apart. Thinking of you smiling or laughing at anybody elses jokes, wearing somebody else's sweater...it made anger swirl through him, hot and unsettling and ugly.

So he put a plan into work, a bad one admittedly, but it was better than no plan at all. He’d try to keep his distance, just for a little while, until those feelings he harbored for you eventually faded into nothingness. He hoped it would hurt less then, him and you, since he wouldn’t be pining after you anymore and you weren’t in danger of him possibly spilling his feelings to you and putting you into a situation where you were forced to reject him.

You wouldn’t like that, you were too kind, knowingly hurting him would end up hurting you just as bad. He wanted to prevent that.

Keeping his distance made sense. It would spare the both of you a lot of pain.

He’d been wrong about that, very wrong...

If Nishinoya Yuu regretted one decision he made in his life more than any other it would have been this one.

The look on your face was heartbreaking, as you stood before him, in front of his door. He couldn’t be all too happy to have you here after weeks of barely talking to each other. Your eyes were red and puffy and your lips were trembling, but you stood before him with your back straightened and your chest puffed out, just like you always did when you were afraid.

Nishinoya’s heart sunk in his chest when he noticed.

“Noya?” your voice was soft, almost swallowed by the wind.

He hated hearing you sound so scared, hated the crack in your voice. He couldn’t stand it.

“Why are you avoiding me? Is it something I did?”

So you noticed. Of course you noticed. You weren’t an idiot, no he was the idiot. For not being able to push those nasty feelings aside that were slowly eating away at him.

He averted his glance, shifting until he’d found a crack in the mural he could focus on, anything was better than having to look at your sad face.

He couldn’t stand it.

“I’m not avoiding you...”

He knew you wouldn’t buy it, not when he sounded this dishonest and looked all uncomfortable and clenched up. You were smarter than that.

You frowned at him, angered by his denial of what he’s so clearly done. Which was ignoring you, for weeks that was. And he hadn’t been very subtle either. No, Yuu had kept making up excuses, telling you he couldn’t hang out with you because he was busy with homework (not a very believable excuse), or he had to visit his gramps (usually you’d go with him?) or he had to help his mom with groceries or...there were too many too count. And all of them had been bad.

During school, he had talked to you less. He’d find excuses not to eat lunch with you as often or convince you it wasn’t necessary to watch the boy’s volleyball training all that often. Usually you’d stayed almost everyday after school, heck, you were an honorable manager at this point, before Yuu had started acting weirdly around you that was.

At first, you’d tried to push feelings of concern and worry away, thinking maybe Yuu was just having a weird day...or week maybe. But your best friend hadn’t stopped acting strange and he hadn’t stopped reducing the time you saw and spoke to each other to a bare minimum.

And now you were standing in front of his door and he was acting like nothing was wrong at all?

You wouldn’t just keep on ignoring this.

You pushed past him and inside the house, quickly throwing your shoes off and stomping to the kitchen, letting your bag drop to the ground near the counter. You turned around to see Yuu had followed you, looking at anything but you. Such a coward.

“Talk to me!” you urged him, your voice still hoarse from all the tears you’d shed because of him.

The boy let out a heavy sigh, scratching at his neck as he tried to find another excuse to tell you. You just knew it, you could see it in how his eyes still refused to meet yours.

“It’s nothing, Y/n. Look, I promise.”

New tears pricked at the inside of your eyes, daring to spill over because damn this was so frustrating.

“Yes, it is something! Tell me!”

“No, really it’s-”

“Tell me.”

“I swear it’s-”

“Tell me.”

“Y/n!”

“Nishinoya!”

The boy froze up, his eyes darting up to stare at you in shock. You held his glance, happy you had at least made him look at you properly, although the weight of his glance felt heavy as his eyes began to look glassy.

You had never called him by his last name before.

Nishinoya bit his lips, clearly distressed now that he realized how hurt you really were by his unjustified avoidance of you, that despite your silent submission to his distance you hadn’t been okay with it, in the slightest.

He reached out to you, the urge to be close to you and cheer you up again was huge, but you turned, denying his touch. He let his arm drop unceremoniously to his side again.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled because he was.

This had been a stupid plan. He should have never gone with avoiding you in the first place, not when he should have known it would probably lead to this…He thought he could prevent both of you from getting hurt, but his approach had achieved the complete opposite.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Yuu,” you started again, rubbing your cheeks to remove the wetness the tears had left behind.

He hated seeing you cry,

“I can’t.”

“Why not? We don’t usually keep secrets from each other.”

“I just can’t.”

Your shoulders dropped a little and you looked away, instead staring out of the window.

“Oh,” you sounded discouraged now, tired even.

Nishinoya was afraid of losing you, he’d rather hack off his arms and say goodbye to his healthy limbs than say goodbye to you. That’s why he would never tell you about his feelings, because if he did he’d end up losing you. Not immediately, but in the end he would. You didn’t return his feelings and although you’d surely be okay with staying friends it would soon become awkward between the two of you. You would hang out less, talk less until you were just strangers who were once best friends.

The thought was depressing but necessary to motivate Nishinoya to keep quiet.

“No, screw that!!

Your angry voice ripped him out of the spiral of dred he’d found himself in. He blinked, shaking himself out of his thoughts, eyes falling to your face automatically.

It was all scrunched up, your eyes twinkling with determination. It was the same face you had made just before you had punched that boy on the playground back there and for a second he was sure you’d do it again. Punch him for being so stupid and hurting you. He would have deserved that.

You didn’t.

“Even if you can’t tell me you still should! You’re my best friend, we always tell each other everything and i don’t want that to change!”

Your hands were clenched to fists as you stared him down, daring, no challenging him to respond. But Nishinoya found himself unable to.

Your words left him feeling cold, the dooming realization that whatever he’d do, refuse to talk or admit his feelings for you, the dynamic between the two of you would forever change, washed over him like icy water

You wouldn’t just take his silence. If he didn’t talk, didn’t tell you the reason, the real reason why he avoided you, you wouldn't forgive that. Not purposely, but a part of the trust you shared would forever be gone. On the other hand if Nishinoya spilled the beans and told you that he was in love with you for quite some while and had avoided you to try and make those feelings go away before they could ruin your friendship...he couldn’t even imagine how you’d react.

You wouldn't be happy. Would you be scared, sad, empathetic? He didn’t know which would be worse.

“Yuu, please!”

He didn’t have a choice. He had to tell you. That was the only possibility he had that might lead to a better outcome to the first one. He just had to be straightforward with you, you'd appreciate that.

“I love you.”

A little too straightforward.

You stared at him in silence, face blank. Before he could regret his words and paddle back Nsihinoya straightened his back and puffed out his chest, hoping he’d gain just as much bravery doing that than you always did.

“I love you and I have for a while,” he continued, standing a little bit taller than before, “I didn’t tell you because i didn’t want to pressure you or make you feel guilty for not feeling the same, so i avoided you. I thought maybe it would get rid of the feelings, but I still think you’re the most beautiful and smartest and kindest and funniest girl I've ever met and that probably won’t change either.”

You were still only staring at him so Nishinoya decided he’d just go on.

“Every time I'm with you I feel like I'm the tallest person on the planet. You make me feel strong and brave and like the best version of myself. I know i’m not your type and i know i don’t deserve being with you, that’s why i tried the avoidance thing, to make it less awkward but now-”

Nishinoya hadn’t caught you moving until suddenly you were standing right in front of him. The words died on his tongue as he was met with the look in your eyes, unshakable and sparkling with a confidence he’d never seen with you. It had rendered him speechless.

There was no hesitation in your movements as you reached up to twist your fingers into his shirt and pulled, no... yanked him down until his lips were tightly pressed against yours. His heart skipped a beat, no several beats, as he was frozen in his shock. Hot and cold shivers ran down his spine in time your lips started moving against his. Softly. Uncertain.

Then you pulled back again, just as his brain started catching up to what was happening. Your cheeks were flushed and when Nihsinoya tried to meet your eyes you lowered your head to stare at his chest instead.

“You’re such an idiot, Yuu. Saying stupid things like that,”you murmered and he saw the tips of your ears turn red.

“You kissed me,” he had blurted it out before he was able to stop himself.

You huffed, your fingers tightening their grip around his shirt and Nishinoya realized in amusement that you were embarrassed at your own straightforwardness.

“You kissed me!” he repeated, the confidence slowly returning to him at the premise that you must return his feeling to do something as bold as kissing him….on the lips!

“Shut up, I know,” you whined, hitting your forehead to his chest.

It was like a weight was lifted off his shoulder, like the invisible thread that had been separating you before, one only Nishinoya had been able to see had been severed. You had kissed him after he told you he loved you.

You returned his feelings!

Nishinoya hugged you, eyes wrapping around your form with ease and his head resting on top of yours, your face still hidden in his chest.

“I love you,” he repeated softly, testing the words once more and felt you visibly relaxing in his arms when his voice reached your ears.

“I love you, too,” you replied quietly, words muffled against the fabric of his shirt but still it was enough for him to hear.

He pulled back, just enough so you couldn’t hide your face away anymore and he grinned at you, a grin you’d return with just as much intensity. You really were the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.

“I can’t believe you kissed me just like that,” he teased you, remembering how bold of you that was.

You playfully hit him in the chest, whining once more, but Nishinoya just laughed gleefully at the blush gracing your cheeks, before he leaned closer again. Close enough so both of your noses almost touched. Your eyes went wide and he could swear you stopped breathing, too, for a second. Nishinoya watched your reaction in amusement.

“Do it again!” he whispered, the challenge made your face light up again.

And you didn’t let him tell you twice.

If there was one moment Nishinoya Yuu would never want to stop it was definitely this one.

Taglist: @crystal-lilac

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hydrangeasimagination · 3 years

Text

Cadence

Pairing(s): Saiki Kusuo X Gender Neutral! Reader | Onesided! Saiki Kusuo X Teruhashi Kokomi

Summary: When Kusuo feels, he feels with all of himself. It bleeds into everything, from exasperation to pining. Two things that came to him this special afternoon... The afternoon he’d told his mother he’d confess to his crush.

Warning(s): Unrequited Love. Slight Angst.

A/N: I'M SORRY KOKOMI... This is a fandom I haven't written for in a while! I know some people probably don't like her that much?? But it came to me. Think of it like Conan Gray's "Heather", just that Heather isn't the one our love interest has affections for. Oh - the reader is a musician here!! This is longer than usual.

(P.S. The last line of it probably doesn't make sense unless you've watched the Saiki K dub.)

“bolded italics” is Saiki speaking via telepathy, “italics” are thoughts.

“Amorous feelings were something hard to harbor.

Especially if they're directed towards someone that feels unreachable.

Like no matter how far you stretch, you can never reach them.

With heart in hand, ready to give.

Though the seeds of concern at possible rejection, the sting of heartbreak is painful. As is losing the receiver if your relationship predates the confession, if they were close already.

Unshakeable worry.

Even for someone like the invincible Saiki Kusuo.

Settled in his slightly uncomfortable desk, head resting on his palm. His gaze settled on the rolling clouds, thoughts filtering in and out of his head. Half-lidded violets sleepily dreaming of drizzling rain, of huddling close under an umbrella. Spending time under dreary skies with the one to brighten it all.”

"Well her thoughts aren't exactly far off."

A chill washed over his skin, his cryokinesis calming the blood about to rush to his cheeks.

Teruhashi's gaze felt heavy on his back, her commentary matching his recent feelings word for word. Sweeping strands of blue over her shoulder, she discreetly watched him from the corners of her eyes under a veil of lashes.

"Of course, the thoughts of a boy are always so predictable," She nearly giggled "especially when they're in love with someone like me."

His face dropped into a deadpan.

"She's way off though... I feel kind of bad honestly."

Kusuo shook his head, brow furrowing as he slid his gaze down to his desk.

Or rather, what was sitting in it.

"My mom told me not to be ashamed or feel guilty for not reciprocating someone elses' feelings." He breaths in, sliding his ring into his finger.

"Especially when I'm not responsible for them."

The tone of the bell filled the airways, signaling dismissal for students - voices of relief and rejoice. A long school day dragging to a close, its occupants reader to leave and relish in the weekend.

But there was a mission Saiki was on.

One that would have him stay after school as opposed to his want to escape the clutches of his friends.

Most of which were aware of his plans.

He left before he even questioned or asked about plans, skillfully dodging the flow of the crowd. Of course, with the ring, it makes it the slightest bit harder to discern the best route to move through them. But it wasn't a problem for him despite the handicap on one of the more useful powers he has.

The lack of knowledge of those around him in that moment was a little nerve racking(though not any less when it came to matters of the heart), though his general instincts were aware about those on his tail.

He paid it no mind.

He was on a mission.

The light taps of his shoes stopped right at the door, squeaking lightly on the linoleum. Fingers running along the edges of his already immaculate blazer, he slid it open and peered inside.

Notes of music thrummed from within, melody flowing into harmony soothingly.

"Oh, Saiki - san."

The club's president was first to notice him, having been near the door.

Gesturing him inside and quietly pestering him again with a mumble, "I don't mind you coming here but have you reconsidered join -"

"My answer is still no."

This time, Saiki doesn't wait to hear the boy's thoughts even if he could. Instead shifting his attention to the reason he even came to the music room.

Basking under the glow of the window, swaying just slightly with a serene calm. In rhythm with the mellowing sounds of music blending together, he feels his heartbeat sync with it. Then skipping for one or two as he slowly walked across the room, careful to not disturb the other practicing musicians. Though their eyes were also taken.

Fingers skimming over strings, its noise vibrating throughout the guitar as chords shifted and moved.

It didn't stop as the fingers' owner, you, smiled at him. Soft and easy going, silently acknowledging his presence before going straight back to playing.

He didn't mind, no, not at all.

Instead, he set himself down at your side.

He could wait.

It was you after all.

As the arrangement ended, notes left ringing out to leave his head and body with a nice break. No thoughts flooding and bashing at the insides of his skull, no need to strain himself or his powers.

The light round of applause was also not as jarring as loud cheers or things of the sort.

It was one of the reasons he'd come to this club, enough for the President to ask him if he'd like to join due to their frequency.

"Came about as early as I did this time."

Stashing the guitar in a case and stretching aching fingers, you smiled again at him. Shimmering gaze and soft features accented by filled windows, his heart fluttered gently from it's place. Thudding against his sternum like a drum.

Fitting.

But the music was only one of the reasons he visited so often.

"What, excited to see me, Saiki - kun?" You jested, his breath hitching just slightly at that.

He contemplates the question. The stares on him burn a little, with a short glance at the door, he can see the pair that took the risk in following him. There was no way to stop them anyhow...

Yumehara was a horrible gossip monger - and Teruhashi?

... He knew of her crush on him.

There is something in his chest that moves along with the speeding of his pulse.

Vindication?

Satisfaction?

How petty of him...

As he shifted his rose tinted gaze back to you, he can't really find it in himself to care.

"What a pain." He thought, quite derisively.

Removing the ring, he gorged himself on the sweetened sight of your sleepy eyes and smile - full of cheek.

It's pleasant.

Seeing you was just what he needed - his racing heart petering to a mellowing flicker. A warmth washing through his veins, breathing and thriving in your scent and calming presence.

This is a nice feeling.

Having a crush like this.

Being surrounded and swaddled in the fuzzy feelings of pining hit him a couple months back, when he'd first grew privy to the melody playing in your head. Naked truth and honesty, utter genuinity from every pore - matching actions to words.

Hearing and sitting and watching you play... It made him grow endeared to you over the time you'd spent with each other, even if it wasn't long.

"You don't have to answer, I was just joking."

"... But I was excited."

You blink.

He only lifted his hand, pressing the back of it to his mouth in slight abashment. He really isn't good at this.

But he's trying.

With the color tinging the tips of your ears, it seemed to fell through. Making a look, though shy, appear 'pon your face. Now less drowsy.

"I'm glad you came," You admitted, turning away to try and hide the timidness you suddenly felt "always am."

Saiki's stomach did flip flops, hand falling from his now smiling lips.

"Perhaps I would do it a lot more often, that is, if you were interested in filling a position." He is somewhat aware how funny it is for him to be making music jokes, "It's first seat - just for a guitarist."

Fiddling with the collar of your uniform, quietly, you mumbled, "It sounds like... You're trying to ask me out -"

"I am." Kusuo ignored the squeaks he most definitely heard on the other side of the door. "Only if you're interested."

"I am." You parrot, honeyed confession interlacing in softened tone in difference from his. Paired with a expression of such tenderness any ice lingering on him melts away.

"So..." He trailed off.

You laugh a little bit, still somewhat sheepish as a warm color washes your soft cheeks. "My answer is yes, I will happily take that position."

He can't help it.

Your hand is warm as he took it in his own, heating in contact, darkening flush sweeping down your neck in response to the showcase of affection.

“Cute."

Playfully scowling at that, you only huffed.

"Shush you."

He felt the hodge-podge of emotions flooding from behind the door; hurt, anger, disbelief. Guilt pulled at his strained heart strings, knowing full well that just beyond the door was someone vying for his affections.

"She never respected how you felt."

The intrusive thought of his making was snuffed faster than a candle, fingers shifting and locking through the spaces in his.

"Saiki?" You spoke, brows knitting. "You okay?"

His troubles were showing on his face, huh?

It was hard to remain dishonest around you.

"Kusuo... Call me Kusuo."

Surprise filters over the shyness, but you positively titter at your new boyfriend's insistence.

"This means you gotta stop calling me your senpai." The comment leaves butterfly wings fluttering in his belly.

He tested your appellation on his own lips.

Though he was unsatisfied, now rather irritated with your voyeurs despite his previous guilt. Especially at the insulting thoughts he now hears in your name - subject to Kokomi.

It came to him as he moved closer, soaking in the music playing again you both watched someone seat themselves at the piano.

Petty?

Yes.

But they were the ones that decided to follow him in the first place.

So he might was well hit two birds with one stone.

He indulged in the sticky, gooey feelings you'd plagued him with. Pressing his lips to your cheekbone in a display of his devotion, relishing in the gasp of shock he tore from you.

Kusuo squeezed your hand, charoite eyes promising a little mischief.

"Does that mean I can call you my baby doll?"

#saiki k #saiki kusuo no ψ nan #the disaster of psi kusuo saiki #saiki kusuo #saiki kusuo x reader #Teruhashi Kokomi #yumehara chiyo #gender neutral reader #reader insert #x reader #xreaders #x reader insert #saiki k x reader #dari writes

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