#haven't done this in so long and wow... 2023 was truly insane | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

halloumie · 10 months

Text

30 june 2023

i have tons of interview with no end in sight. one next week, another the week after. taking a break today from applying because it feels completely hopeless.

i try not to ask too many unanswerable questions, but how is it everyone can get a job but me? how come i've gone for 30, 40 interviews and it just seems like i've utterly failed to launch?

maybe i'm unlikeable. i try to be likeable and respond with STAR, with empathetic storytelling. i try relating to the interviewer. i try to be humble but also cognizant of my achievements.

people say it will happen, but it's been a year and it truly feels like time to call it quits, that i have failed and there's no point.

also, i'm not applying for imperial this year since the deadline has passed.

8.55pm

went out to dinner with ainan and his father, tom. i had fish and chips and a pink lemonade. i felt prompted to go into the m&s on the way back. clairo's sofia was playing and i felt insanely sad. then i got home, opened up my email and saw a rejection letter for the interview i went for yesterday. i really wanted that job, since it was nearly all wfh and was about sustainable tourism. so i went ahead and felt insanely dejected and low, thinking yeah i might as well give up and found a fellow straggler and long-term unemployed person on reddit.

after an hour or two, i now feel ready to laugh at the absurdity of this situation again. i also got a rejection from tesco, but i never went for an interview for that.

i'm considering building a job application bot to automate most of the process. i'd want to link it up to openai, or any other llm, which i know can be done on a premium account as dougdoug has shown on his streams. but i'm cash-strapped so i'll have to figure out a workaround.

i need a career job so i don't feel like i'm absolutely useless and also i want a dog, which means vet bills and trips and extra food. i can go for very long periods of time eating very little, but i haven't got the company of a dog. anyway it would eat a lot and wouldn't be able to do the same.

now i feel like shit but also light, as in, i suppose i'm ready to think rationally again. what do we do when we're stuck? we analyse the issue and move on. i guess that's all there is to do.

but i also want to laugh sardonically because of the ridiculousness of finding a career job. it seems impossible, and it probably is. it probably will never happen to me, and it will happen to everyone else around me. it has happened to people who are less socially capable, more socially handicapped, less, more or equally skilled as i am. it will happen to people with a criminal record, to people with a military background, with a dui and a large and stupid employment gap. and people will tell me "of course it will happen to you too, just be patient. just be positive." but it will not happen to me. if i needed any proof that this life is a simulation, this has to be it.

to sum up this month, i started volunteering at the bookshop regularly again, working on ebay stuff and chatting with janey a bunch. i went on and off to quaker meetings. i started and stopped, started and stopped leetcode and japanese. i started my first driving lesson. i applied to another 100 or so jobs, and did another couple interviews to no result. congratulations, me! you did it! 440+ applications on linkedin, over 300 elsewhere, and no job! wow!

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